#like in my experience a lot of stories fail to escalate properly and I expect that. (another really great escalation is shown in

[light-wrath-paradise]

If any of my 3 friends I convinced to read Dreamcatcher saw my last post: I stand by what I said and I will not apologise.

[keijislove]

Hi babe! I was wondering if I could request a Tony Stark x daughter reader? With lots of angst and her being locked in her room because she’s being bullied for her darker skin

(I understand if you’re not comfortable with this)

Safe Place: Tony Stark X Daughter!Reader

I think this turned out a bit longer than I expected.

Sorry :(

I hope you like this, I don’t really have a lot of experience with this matter, so I hope I captured the emotions right!

I AM APOLOGISING IN ADVANCE, THE HURTFUL COMMENTS MENTIONED HERE ARE NOT ONES I WOULD EVER USE IN MY LIFETIME.

GIRL, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE – YOU DON’T NEED DIMWITS LIKE RACISTS TO DEFINE BEAUTY. YOU WANT THE DEFINITION OF BEAUTY, GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

PUT A STOP TO RACISM.

WARNINGS: Slight EXTREMELY racial comments, mentions of death, toxic relationship, angst, Tony being a little... well, Tony.

Being Tony Stark’s daughter was nearly everyone’s dream. Well, everyone you’d come across at school, anyway. It seemed rational from their point of view – big house, big bedroom, expensive branded clothing, basically an overall exquisite lifestyle coupled with fame of being his daughter which was sure to earn popularity points anywhere and everywhere. A man rolling in that amount of money would make a great dad... right?

You thought differently. Which was one of the main reasons you did not tell anyone who your father really was and your teachers understood your predicament and played along to your story of being an ordinary girl with no scope for coolness whatsoever.

Your mother had met your father a long, long time ago – when Tony was still in university. Of course, he’d left her before he even knew she was pregnant, and they never saw each other again. You didn’t exactly love your life as his daughter. In fact, from what your mother had told you, he was (in your vision) a complete monster whom your mother had the sad misfortune to meet.

It was her untimely death that had forced you to go live with the man who was the reason you were born and the man who ruthlessly left your mother to fend for herself and a baby. You had tried for foster care, but the agents told you that your father was still alive and more than capable of taking care of you – being the famous Tony Stark and all.

So it would suffice to say that Tony was lowkey shocked when you turned up at his doorstep one day with a grudging expression and declarations of being his daughter. He actually didn’t believe you at first and asked you to piss off which confirmed your earlier assumptions about his character – asshole. After you��d snapped at him and showed him all the legal documentations stating that you two were blood-related as father-daughter after all, Tony was even more shocked than earlier.

Though he would rather die than admit it, he felt sad after seeing your fourteen-year-old self standing at his doorstep. He’d missed your birth, your first steps, your first words, he even missed helping you with homework in preschool – basically all precious moments you enjoy with a child. But you made it pretty clear that you didn’t want to be here – something that made Tony’s already overlarge pride swell like a bullfrog and stopped him from ever getting close to you. While you were busy thinking he didn’t want you, you overlooked a small detail – he took you in.

If anyone had the power to bribe an adoption agency to get rid of their kid, it was Anthony Stark, yet he never gave you away. The simple explanation (that he would never, in a million years, admit it to you) was that he didn’t want to lose you – around the only blood-related family he had left.

And so began your life as Y/N Stark. It functioned surprisingly well for your expectations. Pepper was really nice to you and those few occasions when the Avengers came over, you were able to talk to Natasha about ‘girl things’, her presence reminding you of the mother you had lost only too young. You sometimes even asked Bruce for help with homework, too proud yourself to go to Tony. Overall, you stayed out of his way while he stayed out of yours – an arrangement you were both satisfied with.

The worst part was that you never talked. Ever. You would wake up and walk to school, refusing Jarvis’ continued protests of letting you use the self-driving car, came home the same way where you did your homework and grabbed a snack before you ‘father’ came back upstairs from his little man cave in the basement and a small ‘good-evening’ passed between you two as you went your separate ways. This cycle repeated itself every day. Recently, your life at school hadn’t been going great.

You’d known that your skin tone was a notch darker than the others at your school – something you had gotten from your mother – and this was not something you really cared about. That’s when they started coming – the comments. What were originally small, snide retorts of ‘wash your face, ew!’ (A/N: I AM SO SORRY) had now escalated to them calling you obscene names you’d never heard before and asking you to leave ‘their’ school

Which was why, instead of being at school today, you were locked in your bedroom, sobbing into your pillow.

It had started out as a very unusual morning. After getting comments hurled at you left right and centre the previous day, you’d had enough. You’d woken up and declared to Jarvis that you were skipping school and he was to, under no circumstances, notify your father about this. After that you tried to eat some cereal, but the bubbling dread in your stomach made it taste like dry carpet, so you gave up and stomped into your room, locking the door before flinging yourself onto the bed and crying your heart out.

It was in times like these that you felt the need for something – a gaping hole in your chest. It seemed foolish to even admit it to yourself, but you really wanted someone like a parent. Someone who listened to your problems and comforted you accordingly, someone who actually cared about you. And since Tony Stark filled neither of these requirements, you gave up the foolish dream and sunk, once again, into your self-fashioned depths of misery.

-------

Tony casually sipped on his wine, putting one last screw into place to make the latest piece he was testing out. As he powered the device on, it vibrated for a moment before the words ‘model failed’ appeared on the screen Tony was examining.

He swore loudly and shoved it ungracefully aside before running his hands through his hair. There had been many an occasion where Tony seriously considered going to your room to just say something to you that wasn’t a monotonous ‘good evening’ or ‘the milk’s finished’ or something else like that. He wanted to talk to you. To you.

He wanted to get to know the real Y/N – what you were like when you weren’t too busy being bold and refusing to appear vulnerable. As if reading his thoughts, Jarvis’ voice filled the room suddenly.

“Sir, I do believe that Ms Stark is currently locked inside her bedroom. She refused to go to school just this morning.”

“What?” Tony exclaimed, “Why, did she tell you anything else?”

“Just this, Sir, along with a few obscene warnings of not informing you about this occurrence. If I recall correctly, Ms Stark told me she would rip out my sockets with her bare hands had I come to you.”

Ignoring the small smirk that was growing on his lips at the thought of you behaving exactly as he would, Tony wiped his tired hands on a nearby cloth before sprinting out the door and up the stairs to your bedroom.

He knocked on the door.

“Go away Pepper, not in the mood,” came your muffled voice. It was weak and raw – evidently, you had been crying.

Ignoring the poking feeling of dread bubbling in his stomach, Tony knocked again.

“Open up, kid, it’s me,” he shouted.

“Definitely not in the mood, thanks.”

Tony sighed. This was exactly what he had tried so hard to avoid –turning out like his own father. Not knowing how to deal with a daughter properly, he just let you go about your business as you wanted, hoping that it would yield better results than what his childhood had been like. Now, looking back at how much he’d neglected you, he suddenly realised that he had done the exact thing he was afraid of – hurt you.

“Y/N Y/M/N Stark, open the door. Please.”

Perhaps it was the please at the end or the way he acknowledged you as his living, breathing daughter for the first time that made you stagger limply over to the door and push it open.

Your eyes were puffy, red and swollen from bawling nonstop and your brows were knitted into a disapproving frown. It broke Tony’s heart to see you like this.

“Listening,” you sniffed, crossing your arms.

“Okay, why don’t you sit down,” Tony frowned slightly.

You gave another hearty sniff and led him to your bed where you flopped down and watched as he took a seat beside you.

You both sat in a very painful, deafening silence for the next few minutes.

“You didn’t go to school today,” Tony casually remarked as you played with your pillow, refusing to meet his eyes.

“I did,” you said simply.

“Wanna tell me what’s going on?” Tony offered.

“I really don’t,” you admitted as he burst out laughing and you gave a grudging giggle despite yourself.

“Seriously, kid,” Tony said in an undertone, “You’ve gotta open up a bit more. I mean, it’s been like what, two years since you moved here and you never bother telling me what’s going on. And look where that got you – come on, tell me what’s going on. Is it school?”

“Partially,” you quietly said to which he cocked an eyebrow.

“Completely,” you amended, sighing, “Kids, you know, they’re just being – well, mean.”

“Okay,” Tony nodded slightly, “You want to talk about it?”

“They... they make fun of me,” you admitted, “About – about my skin colour and stuff. And I know I’m being stupid, getting upset over this –”

“It’s not stupid,” Tony broke in, “It’s not stupid at all. Nothing gives anyone a right to talk to you that way.”

“Try telling that to them!” you burst out, final letting go of the pent-up emotions you’d been holding for days, “What did I ever do to them – it’s not my fault I look like this, maybe if I could choose what to look like, I’d choose something they want! Just about everyone seems to have a problem – what the hell do they expect me to do? It’s unjust, unfair, unsettling and unkind, but of course they don’t care, do they?!”

Tony didn’t even flinch throughout your entire outburst until you broke down and tears began rapidly pouring out of your eyes once more.

“Hey, hey, stop, listen to me,” Tony sternly said, seizing your shoulders and turning you to face him.

“You’re a Stark,” he said, gazing you dead in the eyes, “You are beautiful, you’re smart and you’re kind. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

This was too much for you to handle and you started sobbing again – sobs of partial happiness and partial guilt that didn’t look like they would stop anytime soon.

“Come here, kid,” was all Tony could say as he pulled you into a hug, allowing you to sob into his shirt while he stroked your hair, trying to calm you down.

“I’m sorry if I’ve ever been mean to you,” you whispered finally.

“It’s okay, kid,” Tony murmured, pressing a kiss to your forehead, “I’m sorry I haven’t been a great father all this time.”

You two sat in a now comfortable silence, occasionally clearing your throats or sniffling a bit before Tony finally spoke.

“If anyone says that to you again, I will have them cut up and fed to the fish in my house in Malibu.”

“Thanks, dad.”

[stvllioner]

TW: MENTIONS OF DISCOURSE, GR//MING, P/D/PHILIA, ASS//LT, C//NSENT, D//RK CONTENT.

- this isnt under a read more because i want people to read this, but please read past this/tread carefully if you cannot handle such topics. this is not meant to be interacted with.

I'm not sure how to really go about this. I've been overthinking if I should address this and bring up some stuff while I've been gone, so sorry the absence. I deleted the tumblr app a few days ago and I downloaded it again today so i could post this. I really don't like making posts like this because it cuts the vibe that I've been trying to portray that everything is okay and it makes me feel really disconnected to you guys. I am sorry for the abrupt absence and cutting off any source of communication between us. I knew if I left any form of direct line of talk to me that I would receive hate and I just mentally decided that I cant sit through being harassed right now.

Have you guys ever paid attention to the same people who always have a statement to say or is always in discourse? It's very telling how everyone can post about me, but I shouldnt dare post about them. I'm tired of not being able to post about what I want without people vague posting about me, bringing me up every time they start another discourse with another writer or directly talking about me. My days on here are starting to feel the same. Its good then it goes bad. Good goes bad and bad goes good. It's not even tiring, annoying, or angering -- its repetitive. When I'm not saying anything people create fake stories about me, and when i speak about it im the one starting discourse. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near perfect and I have made my own mistakes. But why the fuck am I always being told to be the mature one, why am I the one who should've done better, why do you people expect so much from me. It's the fact people are always quick to say, "no one cares about you, youre fishing for attention" when they're the ones who vague and interact with me while ive been minding my business for months now. Hm. The fact people have me proudly blocked but still harass me anyways shows a lot about themselves than it does for me. How its such an issue that im a minor until it comes to demonizing, tearing down my character, gaslighting, lying and bullying. I'm a literal example of how their friend group manipulates their followers and exiles people from fandoms for not kissing their ass. except now its in your face.

Consider this my last post about this discourse. I'm not going to waste my time on people who fail to digest other peoples thoughts and opinions time and time again because theyre weak narcissists. If I so choose to decide to shit post my opinions or argue with someone, none of you should be aggravated or moved by it because youre not even supposed to be on my page. If its not something serious i will not be wasting energy that i can be using to build on myself as a growing person than on miserable old ladies that have to use fanfiction to have excitement in their pity, depressing and lackluster lives. If people so do choose to create stories or vague about me, I do not care. So I ask respectfully to people who do lurk on my page to not attempt to message, post or vague about me please. This includes sending anons to yourself to make shit happen.

Past that, something got me thinking. My (older) friend had showed me screenshots of adult writers (no one i have spoken to) that were very excited to write underaged reader with adult characters. There are other instances where writers (that you have probably read from) on here openly made reader underage while aging characters up as adults/with adults. There are many more but there's really no point in listing them nor do I really care. But least to say, the same people who are gung-ho over these pedophilic themes/stories are the same people who support predatory people.

I've been thinking about whether or not i should continue writing for the students anymore. Granted, I still think they're attractive because one snap of the fingers cant stop that. I had been teetering on this thought for awhile because of how borderline pedophilic the people are here towards my age group. I enjoy writing but not to the point of willingly being in a straight line of sight where people who are well over 16 are harassing me and lurking on my page, especially to other minors solely because they are my friends. Backtracking to the statement before, I honestly dont know if I will either stop writing or just for the students as a whole. It shows that clearly some people are using their attraction to teens with the excuse that the characters are fake. The rapid normalization on dark problematic "kinks" is disgusting and vile, and the fact that its discourse now to shame said interests is appalling. Concluding that combined with my experiences here, i feel unsafe.

***(TRIGGER WARNING)*** I dont talk about my personal life on here that much cause I dont see the need too nor do i think its anyone's business. Paired with the fact that the people i have trusted personal information with have used it against me, I will be preventing myself from opening that door. Besides that for now, I have sparsely shared I've been assaulted before. This is my first time really opening up about this and i kind of find it necessary now. Coming from someone who has been a victim of assault and CP by people my age and well over, writing nsfw has been the only way where I could feel comfortable with sex in general. I won't get into details because mentioning this is triggering already and can make people uncomfortable. It feels like anywhere I go, I'm constantly putting myself in a position to be abused. The same people who told me I didn't have to worry about my age and be judged for it, exposed the minimum comfort of keeping myself private online to demonize, judge and hurt me. People call me "extra" for being distraught about my face and age being posted because they think im trying to be sneaky which isn't the case. Its the principle that they KNEW I wasnt ready to share said things, and coming from someone who is inherently a private and closed person, she knew damn well what she was doing when posting screenshots of me on Tumblr. There is no excuse for it. The same writers who write dub/non-con can BARELY understand basic consent and its fucking terrifying. This site was the only other place I could cope without being criticized. To see people who some i was close to proudly lie on my name, (adults) say that i sent them pornographic content without their consent is so very hurtful. To watch people supposedly be victims and then use their own trauma to invalidate my own was so fucking humiliating, disgusting and nerve wracking. Although I knew I made the terrible decision to interact with stories, I have never initiated any NSFW discussion with anyone in DMs unless they did it with me first and a few times -- and trust me raise your hand I'll show you the proof. I was sure that everyone I talked to regularly knew that I was a minor, and to my general consensus, people were under the impression I was 15/16 (which I was and am).***

Whether it be victim blaming from the grooming discourse, I've been met with racism, harassment towards my friends, people wanting me to harm myself and be assaulted. I fear what will happen when i will turn 18, if the harassment will escalate and what not. A big part of me is that I'm still here anyways because it pisses people off and I don't care when I receive hate. I can take it but I don't want it. A good conscious of me knows that I should be doing what's best for me but at the end I'm still attached to my ego-self with the added fact that I sincerely enjoy interacting with my followers and posting stories.

I just don't know how the options look. I'll probably be updating my blog rules as of right now. I've been writing more sfw lately because of this and it'd be nice if you guys supported those until I properly decide. I still have plenty of requests of a bunch of characters (mostly Bakugo and Dabi) and original stuff (all sfw & nsfw) that I really wanna share with you guys. But I just ask that what I do modify that you will respect it like you would to any other writer on here.

Stay safe, keep your mask on, and thank you.

[badwolfwrites-sometimes]

Drawn Together: Chapter 12

Feliciano might be overreacting a bit over this.

He was currently sitting on his phone, waiting for Elizabeta to respond to his slightly angry messages over not even giving him a hint of what to expect. Poor Ludwig was left on read.

Feliciano was excited, he truly was, but for some reason he was scared. Ludwig Beilschmidt was extremely close to being his new favorite author and then he messages him and Feliciano is freaking out because he does not know what in the world is he supposed to do. Responding is a good way to start, but what should he say in order to not sound like a weirdo? Now he knew how fanfiction readers felt like commenting on their favorite stories.

Maybe he should rule out 'have my babies' as a possible answer...

While he was having his meltdown, he failed to notice that it was suddenly night and Elizabeta responded.

Lizzie: Well... Lizzie: In my defense I did tell him not to say that Lizzie: Keep his identity hidden

Okay, Feliciano was furious now.

♡~Feli~♡: You could ve at least warned me ♡~Feli~♡: Like idk hes not what he seems feli ♡~Feli~♡: Or something like that

Lizzie: Sorry  *sad face emoji* Lizzie: Lud has no experience talking to people online Lizzie: So I didn't want to burden him with being too careful about being a writer Lizzie: But he really wanted to talk to you so please don't feel weird around him Lizzie: Pretty please Feli ♡

And now he felt bad. He was acting like an asshole to his friend who was just trying to help her own friend. And Ludwig was still waiting for a response.

Artisloveandlife: Hi Ludwig! Artisloveandlife: Tbh when Lizzie said she had someone who wants to talk to me I was kinda expecting a fellow fan Artisloveandlife: Talking to the author themself is a big deal so I'm sorry if I'm awkward.

Feliciano didn't even get a chance to rest his phone.

Lutzie71: You are not awkward. Lutzie71: But I have a question. Lutzie71: Who is Lizzie?

Artisloveandlife: Elizabeta. Artisloveandlife: Does she go by a different name now?

Lutzie71: I am sorry. Lutzie71: I am just used to calling her Betty.

Artisloveandlife: Don't apologize  *big smile emoji* Artisloveandlife: She used to go by a lot of nicknames in middle school so... Artisloveandlife: Did you know that her real name isn't even Elizabeta? Artisloveandlife: It's something like Erzebet??

Lutzie71: Erszebet. Lutzie71: I asked her.

Artisloveandlife: Elegant, are we?  *laughing and crying emoji* Artisloveandlife: But you call her Betty like Otto and Alice. That's so cute!

Lutzie71: Yeah... Lutzie71: The character Elizabeta was made after her. Lutzie71: She was pestering me too much about it.

Well, that's kind of cute.

Artisloveandlife: That sounds like Lizzie. Artisloveandlife: But why did you want to talk to me? Artisloveandlife: I don't think authors normally do that.

Lutzie71: Well, you painted that beautiful piece of art and I have been looking for someone to do a cover for it and the second book. Lutzie71: So I thought I might ask.

Feliciano almost flipped another table at that. There is going to be another book?! For real?! He was only stopped from flipping things by Lovino calling him angrily. Right as he was texting Ludwig at that.

Lutzie71: I apologize for asking such a private question, but you never told me your name?

Well, of course Feliciano would forget something like that.

Artisloveandlife: Feliciano. Artisloveandlife: Sorry, I forgot. Artisloveandlife: Call me Feli.

Feliciano made his way downstairs as quick as he possibly could, just to see what his brother wanted from him now. He noticed two brown heads instead of one.

"Hey Toni!" Feliciano said.

Both Lovino and Antonio turned to face Feliciano. Lovino's face was as if he just ate a whole lemon and Antonio looked slightly worried. "We need to talk." Lovino said simply.

Feliciano nodded, feeling his phone vibrate, but he couldn't respond right now. That would piss Lovino off. "What is it?" He asked.

Lovino sat on the couch, motioning for Antonio and Feliciano to sit as well. Feliciano chose to sit on the stairs, a gut feeling telling him something wasn't right. He wondered if Antonio and Lovino had a fight, but when Antonio sat down next to Lovino, wrapping him up like a blanket, he relaxed.

"You know how Nonno is coming home tomorrow?" Lovino asked, not looking at Feliciano.

"Yeah." Feliciano answered. "Will you two tell him?"

"That's why we're talking to you." Antonio responded, interrupting Lovino as he was about to open his mouth and respond. "Feli, I don't know if you know this, but coming out is a big thing. And it only becomes harder when your heart is already devoted to someone." He squeezed Lovino closer to himself. "If something goes wrong, it's not just you who gets hurt. They get hurt as well. And it takes a good amount of time to properly come out to someone, so-"

"Keep your mouth shut, Feli." Lovino interrupted.

Feliciano nodded, he wasn't planning on saying anything anyway, but now he was more scared than ever of what his brother would do if he even let a tiny bit of it slip. "Can I go back to my room now?" He asked.

"Do the dishes first." Lovino said with a smirk.

Feliciano groaned. "But I did them yesterday!"

"Well, Midget isn't here right now."

"You can do them once in a lifetime!"

"Can't. I have a guest and important business to attend to."

"Making out isn't a business!"

"Neither is art."

Feliciano gave up before it escalated into a fight. He checked Ludwig's message before turning up music to do his work.

Lutzie71: Feliciano has a nice tone to it. It means 'happy one', doesn't it?

It was nice to see that Feliciano wasn't the only person in the world obsessed with name meanings. At least now, he isn't alone.

Once Feliciano was finished with the dishes, he sneaked up to his room before Lovino could give him another task to accomplish. He really just wanted to text with Ludwig right now, a thought of a great friendship growing in his mind. He sat on his bed and responded.

Artisloveandlife: Yess! Artisloveandlife: You know your onomastics, I like you already!! Artisloveandlife: I look forward to working with you on the book!

Lutzie71: So you accept my offer?

Feliciano giggled. Cute.

Artisloveandlife: Yup! Artisloveandlife: On a condition that I get to read it before anyone else.

Lutzie71: You would have to fight my brother for that.

Artisloveandlife: Ahh I don't like to fight...  *sad face emoji* Artisloveandlife: I'll read it after him.

Lutzie71: I just asked him and he said you can read it first if you paint him a portrait of himself. Lutzie71: In a Prussian uniform from 1770s.

Artisloveandlife: Deal! Artisloveandlife: I have no idea what he looks like but I'll do my best!

Lutzie71: He looks like an idiot. Lutzie71: And he's passed out on the floor now.

Artisloveandlife: Is he alright?

Lutzie71: Yes, he just had too much alcohol. Lutzie71: He looks rather comfortable next to our dogs.

Feliciano gasped.

Artisloveandlife: You have dogs?!?!?! Artisloveandlife: Can I see them? Can I please see them? I love dogs!

Lutzie71: I suppose you can. Lutzie71: Let me just figure out how to send you a picture.

Feliciano waited, smiling to himself. It's been a while since he talked to someone online, he almost forgot how exciting it would feel. Moments later, he got his response.

It was a lovely picture of three dogs perfectly nested with a white haired man. They were all ranging in size and colour. Feliciano didn't know much about dog species so he chose not to assume what they were. Them being super cute was what won Feliciano over, as he was on the floor with his legs high in the air, smiling and making strange noises whales would probably understand.

Artisloveandlife: THEY ARE SO CUTE!!!! Artisloveandlife: THEY MUST BE SO FLUFFY!! LUCKY!! Artisloveandlife: Also is that your brother?

Lutzie71: Unfortunately yes. Lutzie71: They aren't really fluffy, but they are rather cuddly.

Artisloveandlife: If this was anime world youre brother would be dead.  *dead face emoji* Artisloveandlife: SO CUTEE!!

Lutzie71: Oddly enough, you are not the first person who made that comment. Lutzie71: Also, I apologize but I am not sorry for this. Lutzie71: Your*

Artisloveandlife: Ah, thanks. Artisloveandlife: English isn't my first language so I make mistakes. Artisloveandlife: Whats the difference anyway??

Lutzie71: Your is for showing possession. For example your brother, your sister, your car, ect. You're is a short form for you are like I'm is for I am. Examples are you're driving, you're cooking and so on.

Artisloveandlife: You explained that like a teacher.  *smile emoji*

Lutzie71: A lot of people get it wrong. It is a common mistake.

Artisloveandlife: Is that why you type them out every time instead of shortening them?

Lutzie71: You could say that. Lutzie71: In any case I must go, my brother would just continue sleeping on the floor if someone wasn't there to carry him. Lutzie71: Good night, Feliciano.

Artisloveandlife: Lol Artisloveandlife: Good night Ludwig. Artisloveandlife: Remind me to send you a picture of my lovely babies  *yellow heart emoji*

Lutzie71: I will.

For the first time that night, Feliciano looked at the time. It was almost 2 a.m. He had been so engrossed into his conversation with Ludwig, he hadn't even thought about how late it was. There was no way he could even fall asleep after all that.

Before he knew it, morning came and he hadn't slept for a second. Instead, he spent the entire night rereading his texts with Ludwig, still in utter disbelief that he's talking to an actual author he admires. Most of his favourite authors have been dead for the past 800 years. Serves you right for liking Dante so much, Feliciano.

He decided to make something to eat and relax nicely. Their grandfather was coming home today so that means there's tons of cleaning to do and no time to rest. He turned on the TV and decided to watch some cartoons.

"Feli." A voice called for him.

"Feli, it's noon. Wake up." Someone was calling.

"Wakey, wakey, little Feli~" A melodic voice was calling, demanding that he wakes up. Strange, he wasn't even-

Feliciano opened his eyes to messy brown hair and a smile. He fell asleep? When? It didn't matter right now anyway, since he was awake.

"Morning, Toni." He smiled.

Antonio messed up Feliciano's hair. "Good afternoon, Feli."

"Those jokes suck. Stop it." Feliciano joked, adjusting himself in a different position on the couch.

"Never!" Antonio sat next to him. "Lovi is asleep too and Meo escaped somewhere again. I guess it's up to us to fix this place for your grandpa."

Feliciano looked around. Sure, there was dust everywhere and probably a good amount of spiderwebs, but overall, the place was actually less of a mess than it could be. "It's fine like this. He'll only stay for a few days so it doesn't matter."

Antonio pinched his cheek. "It does matter. He's your grandpa. Now, are you going to help me clean or are you going to wake Lovi up, soldier?"

Feliciano didn't even give it a thought. "I'll help you clean!"

"Good!" Antonio smiled.

"But first, let me check my phone." Feliciano said, already reaching for it on the table in front of them. He had a notification from Tumblr.

Lutzie71: Good morning, Feliciano.

This was sent at 9 a.m. Feliciano admired Ludwig's skill to wake up so early after talking to each other till so late.

Artisloveandlife: And a late good morning to you too  *smile emoji*

Ludwig's response was almost instant.

Lutzie71: You are just like my brother, only you actually woke up.

Feliciano giggled, catching Antonio's attention. "Who is it? Girlfriend? Boyfriend?" He asked, a huge smirk stuck on his face.

Feliciano's ears grew red, his smile shaking. "Just a friend." He answered.

"That's how it always starts." Antonio commented before getting up to make himself some coffee.

Lutzie71: You told me to remind you to show me your babies. Lutzie71: I am very curious to see if they are comparable to my dogs. Which I doubt.

Artisloveandlife: Meanie Artisloveandlife: Let me find them first.

Feliciano got up and searched around the house for his "babies." They were actually two cats, a grey one and a white with brown spots one. Both were Feliciano's. He got them for his 20th birthday after 20 years of begging. He found them asleep in the 1st floor bathroom and, without much thinking, snapped a picture which he sent to Ludwig.

Lutzie71: I must admit their adorableness. Lutzie71: However, they aren't nowhere near my dogs.

Artisloveandlife: Big meanie. Artisloveandlife: Pookie and Gino are worthy of being the greatest cats in the universe Artisloveandlife: Even witches' cats are afraid of their power.

Lutzie71: They still can't compare to my dogs and their wisdom.

Artisloveandlife: Im beginning to suspect that your dogs wrote your book for you

Lutzie71: I will not reveal such secrets.

Artisloveandlife: So they did  *smiling and crying face emoji*

Lutzie71: Okay, jokes aside. We know Aster, Berlitz and Blackie are superior, but Lutzie71: I am curious about what you thought on the book. Lutzie71: My brother complained that it was too cringy.

Artisloveandlife: We never agreed to that tho Artisloveandlife: It was a bit cringy at some parts like those romance bits Artisloveandlife: Even tho I fangirled like there was no tomorrow because they were meant to be with each other Artisloveandlife: But overall it was a really good book Artisloveandlife: You were a bit immature in that field so it made me laugh a lot

Lutzie71: I guess it helped in getting my point across.

Artisloveandlife: Point?

Lutzie71: The innocent suffer in wars. Lutzie71: I wanted to write about the soldiers who have their families and lives which they had to leave behind in order to die for a cause irrelevant to them. Lutzie71: Because what we remember from them is always just a number. Not their lives or their deeds, just whether or not they make the number of deaths increase. Lutzie71: I wanted to point out that they are so much more than than. More than a number.

Artisloveandlife: That Artisloveandlife: That is really meaningful Artisloveandlife: But why did you choose The Thirty Years War? Artisloveandlife: Wouldnt it be easier to just use World War 1 or 2??

Lutzie71: Because, unlike them, The 30 Years War was a long time ago and people have mostly forgotten about it. Lutzie71: That's not the case for the World Wars. Lutzie71: They are still far too fresh in the world's memories. Lutzie71: There's also the fact that I am German which is why I felt wrong writing about the wars my country mostly started. The 30 Years War was a result of an unstable situation in Europe. Lutzie71: You could say that I was afraid of writing about the World Wars.

Artisloveandlife: This converstation took a turn for something really depressive

Lutzie71: Conversation*

Artisloveandlife: Sorry Artisloveandlife: My fingers slipped  *smile emoji*

"Feli! Are you helping me or not?" Antonio called for Feliciano, startling him a bit. He was still in the bathroom, on the floor and petting his two kitties as he read Ludwig's messages.

Artisloveandlife: Im gonna have to go now Artisloveandlife: My grandpa is coming home after a long trip and we have to clean the whole house Artisloveandlife: Which is a lot Artisloveandlife: Ttyl Ludwig  *winky face emoji*

Lutzie71: I have no idea what that means. Lutzie71: Good bye, Feliciano.

Feliciano raced to meet with Antonio for a spring clean up, not even noticing new messages from Ludwig. He was reluctant to clean the house now, eager to return to texting his friend, but he had to put some of his excitement into a good use. His Nonno was coming home and for the first time in a while, Feliciano had made a new friend. One that he intended to keep.

[seoulfulcity]

May 29, 2018: Take Me to Macau and Guangzhou, China

你好,

"Don't be scared when a Cantonese talks to you. They are not yelling or are mad at you, that's just how they talk" - an ancient proverb.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018: Our Hong Kong trip ends with a ferry ride to the neighboring Macau. Tracy took initiative to book the hotel for us to stay in Macau - Sofitel, a hotel chain I'm very familiar with. We arrived in a sweltering 109-degree weather. Now, I'm from Los Angeles and we experience heat waves going as high up as 110 degrees, but Macau was insane. The heat was turning my skin red fast and sweat constantly dripped from my head. We were about to do a walking tour around the city under this weather.

Luckily, our hotel was situated close to the Senado Square - an area in which Portuguese influence is very palpable. I entered Macau with no idea of what the country has to offer. Is Macau a beach city? Is it a vacation place? Is it a shopping country just as Hong Kong? I had no expectations.

Voila! I came into Macau and everything was in.... Portuguese. Bus signs, warning signs, street signs, instructions, and almost, if not everything, is in Portuguese. Once again, I found myself in a huge state of culture shock. I vaguely remember learning about the Portuguese taking over East Asia way back in history, but I did not realize its culture is still as alive as ever in Macau.

I actually thanked a person in Portuguese instead of Cantonese, and they were able to understand me. Obrigado is all I needed to survive Little Lisbon.

What makes Macau very different than Hong Kong was the ubiquitous Catholic references in every corner. The streets were named after Catholic saints. Images of Jesus Christ and the Virgin Mary were plastered against the wall of every Chinese restaurant we pass by. No signs of Buddhism at all.

It would have been a very intriguing history and culture to learn about prior to visiting the country given the fact that is is nothing like any of its neighboring Buddhism-heavy countries.

Nonetheless, one day and one night in Macau is enough to explore and fall in love with the country. Tracy had me and Simi try the place where they're known for their beef intestines, liver, heart, and tongue. Let's leave this story with the note that I had an interesting tasting experience

The free sample culture in Macau competes against America's culture. The country is known for its jerky - different flavored beef and pork jerkies are open for everybody to taste. There is this bakery chain that stacks open boxes of cookies and breads for everybody to grab. Frankly, Simi and I scoured through the whole bakery, sampling each cookie more than twice - we ended up saving our lunch money!

Even though my blog about Macau is not as long compared to my other blogs, the country does not fall short on beauty and surprises. Macau is the place where you fall in love with its people and its Portuguese-heavy history. This is the country where European-Asian fusion food is the most delicious. This is the country where the beautiful European culture and language fuse with the ancient and timeless Asian tradition. Macau has a lot to offer if people are willing to accept them with arms wide open.

Wednesday, May 30, 2018: Our hotel in Macau offers a ride to the Chinese border for free, in which we happily utilized. The biggest worry I've had in the past few months was China. Being an American, everybody already has a generalized idea and fear with what happens in China. To name a few fears that people have mentioned prior to my departure from Los Angeles

China is filled with scammers and you have to constantly be wary of your surroundings.

Language barrier is the most terrifying thing - nobody will be able to help you since English is not widely taught; and apparently people are too impatient to even bother with a translator.

The Great Firewall. Enough said.

China has a history of tracking its citizens, and visitors need to buy things that could prevent identity theft.

Pollution. The internet needed me to buy a thick face mask to protect my respiratory system.

The hot and humid weather is unbearable. You won't be able to do a lot with how much energy you're wasting by just sweating.

Wild dogs carrying rabies everywhere, children pooping in street corners, squat toilets, and basically the complete opposite of the magnificent America. Apparently the whole country is uncivilized and unsanitary.

The food and water are very dirty. They apparently boil sewage water for consumption and the oil they use for street foods are months old. I was suggested to bring different medications for diarrhea, constipation, acid reflux, and all kinds of drugs for future stomach problems.

The people are mean and unforgiving. They will yell, hit, and shove as an instinct.

Overall, China is going to be a scary place for a first-time solo traveler.

So yes, I had fears crossing the Chinese border. Oh, a lot of fears. We expected our Chinese trip to be one big Murphy's Law, which states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

That law came into light when we went through customs.

I usually don't cross a country via a physical border - I accomplish it by flying and flight attendants would provide us the proper forms to fill out for customs. The bus from our hotel didn't provide it, so it never occurred to us that we needed to fill out forms - yes, we are actually first-time solo travelers.

Fear #2 seems to always make its way into our daily routine while we're here in China. The man responsible in customs for foreign passport holders was not very content with the fact that we made a mistake with forgetting to fill out the arrival form; his anger escalated when he couldn't communicate with us properly in Cantonese. He handed us the arrival form - I'm being nice here since he basically threw it to us from the window - and we filled it out. We passed customs and took the bus from the border to Tracy's second hometown of Guangzhou, or Canton as how I grew up knowing it as.

A little Philippine food discussion - I grew up with one childhood food only, Pancit Canton. Pancit is the Filipino term for noodles and Canton is the origin of the plate. It is my go-to food when I was young, and even until now. Pancit Canton is my favorite noodles.

So, imagine being in my feet, in Canton, and the first meal I had was noodles. The noodles native to Canton. This is the original Pancit Canton. My poor heart could not handle the joy.

Guangzhou is very reminiscent of the Philippines. The streets, the weather, the food, the culture, and the people. This entire trip is one big trip down memory lane; and since my ten-year anniversary of immigrating to America from the Philippines was approaching and not once have I visited my country, Guangzhou compensated for the homesickness.

Our first day in Guangzhou was nothing less than memorable. Tracy's uncle is a competitive cyclist, so he was excited for us to bike with him around Guangzhou for a few hours. Unlike Hong Kong and Macau, Guangzhou transportation culture revolves on bicycles. Everybody owned one. Going to work, going to school, going to the park. Everything is accessible via a bicycle, and the Guangzhou streets were set up to prioritize cyclists.

We cycled between cars, joined the traffic, had access to the pedestrian side walks, and beat the heat by speeding through the Pearl River (Zhujiang) with its cool misty breeze.

I've noticed that the Cantonese in Guangzhou have a very active lifestyle. Transportation via an automobile was very rare. Jogging and running were encouraged since people of all ages jogged as a group, free public aerobic exercises and tai chi at the parks and the sidewalks for those who aren't able to withstand a long run, and of course - what would Guangzhou be without its bicycles? From what I've seen that night, the Cantonese people are very communal. Everything had to be done as a community. They gave off a really welcoming and inclusive vibe.

"Why does it matter if you're a foreigner and can't speak Cantonese? Come celebrate life with us! Life is too short to be individualistic and doing things on your own! Let's do it together, as one big Cantonese family!" That was the biggest impression I had with the Cantonese people.

食在广州 (Chi zai Guangzhou) which means "Eat in Guangzhou. The city prides itself on its food. I was constantly reminded that I will never taste anything as good as Guangzhou cuisine - and boy, they were perfectly on point.

Tracy's family were so welcoming and hosted a huge seafood dinner for us in the heart of the seafood market. Her grandmother went out to purchase the fresh food, handed it to the cooks in the restaurant and they set up a grand display of seafood of every specie.

Throughout the next two days, Tracy's family fed us local foods from the spiciest restaurant in all of Guangzhou to food native only to the area. We had three large meals on our last day with her family, and Simi and I would joke about how this would provide us enough calories and energy to last us our entire Chinese trip. Tracy's family would remind us every chance they could that there will be no food up there in Beijing - or at least not as good as in Guangzhou.

Nonetheless, Simi and I were right. It's been three days since we left Guangzhou and we've only eaten two meals and we're still not starving. Our meals in Guangzhou actually lasted us a few days!

I could not fail to mention the idol culture in China, which is strikingly similar to my experience in Seoul. Faces of Chinese idols were plastered and shown (in really bright lights) in every corner - Zhang Yixing, Wu Yifan, Lu Han, Wang Jiaer, and Oppo just released a set of posters featuring the biggest Chinese stars, such as Karry Wang from TFBoys and Li Yifeng (and boy, Oppo posters were everywhere). Guangzhou's obsession is not on par as in Seoul, but I'm expecting the idolization culture to be so much worse in Beijing. It felt familiar - in a very isolating country where the language and the people remind you everyday that you're foreign with no direct association to anything and anybody - it felt familiar. Zhang Yixing, whose face I see everyday on my home screen, and Li Yifeng, who taught me some basic Chinese from his dramas - the celebrities' faces gave me the sense that everything is not so foreign after all. And that's all I've been craving since I started my trip - familiarity. It's been a while since I've understood the language around me and it makes me feel very isolated. Everyday is a culture shock and adjustment that it gets mentally draining sometimes. I'm going to continue being out of my bubble all of summer, so I suppose a sense of comfort, even just for a day, would suffice.

Tracy and her family left for Cambodia the morning we were leaving Guangzhou. Our train to Hunan was not until 8 PM, but we decided to get to the train station eight hours early to give ourselves a lot of time to get lost and make some big mistakes. In the train station, we found out Guangzhou's main form of scamming to cut in front of the lines.

The first incident was when we were in line to pick up our train tickets and this seemingly-innocent woman, in her early to mid twenties, was panicking to me saying her train leaves in 25 minutes. I tapped Simi on the shoulder to let her in. Simi half expected for some good karma to come back to us.

Not even ten minutes later, a guy did the exact same thing - his train was leaving and he's running late and needed to cut through the line. The people in front of us obliged.

Then, another older woman followed the exact same scheme. Then an older man. By that time, the people in line were unforgiving and did not let them through. The scammers argued with the people on the ticket window, showing them proof that they were indeed late. The argument every time ends when the person in line let them retrieve their ticket in a half-annoyed face and a deep sigh.

Guangzhou Station was large, with so many rooms for foreigners like us to make mistakes in. None of the signs were in English besides "entrance" and "exit". We had to learn how Guangzhou Station and Zhangjiajie Station were written in Chinese characters. All the instructions for ticket purchases, waiting, and boarding were all written in characters very foreign to us. This is when we found ourselves lost in a sea of people rushing into a station they're very familiar with - unable to communicate with us with their lack of knowledge and willingness to speak English.

People constantly dismissed us when we start our sentences with "excuse me". People back off in fear that we were somehow foreign scammers, trying to trick them in a language they're unfamiliar with - it's a scary feeling for them and for us.

Though, once in a while, people would whip out their translations to help us navigate through what we needed to be done. We have our offline translations ready for anyone willing to take the time to read what the dictionary and the app concocted.

Our lives were saved when a Chinese woman who spoke amazing English walked us into the station, get into security, and helped us to the waiting room and made sure we were in the right spot. This was within an hour before boarding. Can you imagine? We were lost and helpless for seven hours - it was a tiring (and scary) day. Simi actually said that if we missed our train to Zhangjiajie, we should just go straight to the destination right after, Fenghuang.

Nevertheless, we made it to our train where we were assigned hard sleeper beds. The bunk beds are set up as three (the lower, middle, and upper bunk beds, two sets per area where we face each other). It was about an overnight 12-hour train ride to Zhangjiajie. At least we were comfortable, right?

Our adventures with the language barrier did not end here. Zhangjiajie and Fenghuang are not metropolitan cities, where English is spoken everyday. It gets more interesting! I need to learn more basic Mandarin, at least enough that could help us navigate through an area with minimal use of translation apps. Though right now, I'll stick to my poorly-translated Chinese sentences. Until then!

谢谢,  Chris 「克里斯」

P.S. I am currently writing this blog on a slow train from Huaihua, Hunan to Chengdu, Sichuan. I share one corner of the train with six other people and we're all facing each other, so I'm not only uncomfortable, but my arms are tiring from holding up my phone to write this blog. There is no table within my reach that I could rest my elbows with and the seats don't recline, but nonetheless, I plan to discuss the ten fears I've mentioned about China right after I leave the country. Were they rational? Did I need to be fearful that much going into the country? What could I have done to possibly ease down the fear in the future, or to the prospective Chinese travelers reading this blog right now?

[pajnloki]

8 // One year

Uhm hi. 

Has it been a year already, lol? I know, little me. I have been neglecting this blog for quite some time now and honestly I knew that. I just didn’t want to face reality.. my reality by writing things down: my problems, regrets, insecurities all of them. It felt disgusting just aknowledging them so I avoided confrontation. But hey, in my defense, covid has been going on the whole year and 2020 was a big fat mess. So many things happened, changed, escalated and barely had the time and energy and strength to face all those problems and changes. 

2020 was gonna be THE year, i said. So many times. Trying to tell myself that there’s no need to be scared. No need to back down, because everyone goes through high school graduation, university, adulthood. It’s completely normal to panic a bit because in the end you’re gonna manage. You’re capable of so many great things. I told myself, or rather lied to myself? I don’t even know at this point. 2020 was memorable. Yes. But in a good way? aboslutely not! :’) And just a short disclaimer. I know how damn serious the virus is, but let me just rant about my life for once, because it’s hard on me, too.

Schools just suddenly closed down 2 weeks before my graduation. My friends and my whole grade in general did not get to experience the legendary “last week” where we’d prank the whole school. Everyone before us did, though. Pretty unfair. I mean we went to school for so many years and that was gonna be our HIGHLIGHT! Marking our GRADUATION. Making epic MEMORIES. Well, fuck that, I guess. Didn’t happen! :D Instead, we got 1 month quarantine where we had to study for finals. For unsure finals. For “we don’t know if you have to take exam yet” - finals. But we had to study, study for finals that may not even happen. That were some horrible ass weeks of studying, crying, panicking, stressing out, questioning myself, more crying and a lot of anime, lmao. And then it was May and I took my exams and I did pretty okay-ish. It wasn’t the best I could’ve done but I mean, considering the situation back then and how lazy I really am, it was okay. At least, for me... kind of? Honestly speaking, I knew it was bad. My grades used to be GREAT but now they were just good but for my parents that meant failed. And did they not hide their disappointed in that, no. They actually went ahead and told me in my face how absolute horrible my finale grades were and that theyre absolutely not satisfied with them. Thanks, mom. It’s not like I didn’t know that. Sorry for not being able to go into Med school like U wished. But it was hard on me, too. Comparing myself to my friends who despite this damn situation still managed to get the perfect score in every damn subject. Am I even allowed to use the pandemic as an excuse or is it really just me who sucks at everything. It’s not like not being able to go outside without mask and 1.5m social distancing was helping me in any way. It’s not like the constans pressure of my parents wasn’t enough. If not Med School, then Law, they said. And funny enough, I could’ve gone there but then suddenly remembered how I applied to Psych School in December 2019, whoops. Why, you ask? Because my mom already pressured me into looking up universities in goddamn 2019 and so I went ahead and applied to a school in aneighboring country, because going as far as possible was basically the aim. Psych was never my dream, I mean yeah, it’s super interesting (and spoiler: I am enjoying studying it a lot.) but I never actually considered a profession in that area. Not because I didn’t see myself there, but I didn’t see myself ANYWHERE at all. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I had no passions, goals or dreams. Sounds sad, but the Internet assured me, I wasn’t only one so thumbs up to us guys. Anyway, so I applied to that University and in the middle of finals I got accepted, suprisingly! Didn’t expect that and for sure didn’t remember that LMAO. I told my parents and they were not pleased. My dad couldn’t understand why I wanted to study Psychology ??? The fuck u wanna do with that, he asked. And I didn’t know what to answer, because hell no, I don’t know, bro. I just applied to move out from home. Fun fact: my household is not that toxic, just stereotypical asian strict parents who love the idea of med school a little too much. But I still went there, even if they disagreed but I mean they cannot change the fact that my grades weren’t good enough for med school, and even if could’ve gone to Law school, I DECLINED. 100% sure I’m not made to defend anyone in court. Probably woulda start crying or something.. 

And so I graduated, had a weird graduation ceremony in our P.E hall (?? idek lmao) and went to university 2 months later in september. Funny story. LMAO. Seriously, things happened in such a fast pace that I wasn’t able to properly accept the fact that I am no longer a high school student, and just started my new path?!?!?!?! Wtf?? stop!? Months and Months went by and I was emersed in studying and exams and deadlines. And all of that online. Via Zoom. Great. Nice University student life. No parties, no real life lectures, no making friends in the cafeteria or any sort of actual experiences like those. Great. Second lockdown, and third lockdown - oh there’s a vaccine! Yey! Oh no, wait. There are mutation of the virus. Not great. :’) And that my friends was 2020. The year I turned 18. What a wonderful start into adulthood <3 

And now, it’s already 2021. And tomorrow I turn 19. And im fucking scared. And sad. 1. Scared because I don’t wanna age and become old and knowing i havent accomplished one single thing in life and instead rather than turning 19 i turned into a failure and 2. Sad because I’m 18, do not have a drivers license, never went clubbing for adults, graduated in the most disgusting and sad way possible (and most unmemorable way i dont even wanna think about that musty gymnasiums hall lmao) and pretty much did nothing cool in my 18th life and thats just how my young adult life’s gonna be! :DDD nice guys. 

Ok, this sounds pretty depressive and petty and sad and lowkey annoying but idk how i am supposed to sugarcoat that.... if i find a way, i’ll come back but until then, stay safe 

[theissuesthatmatter76]

"The anti-discrimination discrimination argument”

First of all I want to get a few things out of the way..I’m not an idiot... Ok now here’s the deal...

“Black people are disproportionately the targets of police brutality and systemic racism”

Let's get one thing straight. This isn't a "hard question" People who say that are giving credibility to the deceit and half truth of it. It's a derailer statement followed by a false conclusion portrayed as fact. The falsely portrayed fact being that our country is full of systemic racism and racist police who, according to the Democrat party, make it dangerous for any black person to leave their house.

A lot of black lives matter tools will throw around the terms "disproportionate black death's by police" followed by "systemic racism" and despite the fact that you know that the picture of systemic racism is greatly over-exaggerated and that the "why" of disporportionate black deaths is a complex answer which you could spend hours on, debating all of the reasons behind that being true...and all the reasons why it doesn't make black people the only ones deserving justice.

 In our country EVERY life matters, not just black people who commit a disproportionately larger amount of violent crimes and cop killings. Every unjust death, unfair target and victim of excessive force matters...(of which I am one too, luckily, i lived to tell the tale!)..lol Just kidding! not the unjust death just the excessive force part...(hey just smack me in the head I am kind of a smartass sometimes!)

I blame the disproportionate amount of blacks killed by police on 2 things.1- The disproportionate amount of violent crimes perpetrated by the African American community and 2- on a more defiant attitude towards police than any other demographic, which has been on full display in the last few months. In my own personal experience I have been a victim of mostly black perpetrated crimes. I have never bullied or attacked or ratted out a black person in my entire life and I never will... Second is the attitude bullying defiant belligerent..a lack of respect in general..confrontational and hostile..pack.. gang mentality... which is essentially what black lives matter is..one big black power gang. They promote an attitude of blaming police and white supremacy for systemic racism, life destroying discrimination and for racistly targeting them for more police brutality than others all the while ACTUALLY ruining the lives of anyone who would dare speak out against their movement by making statements like "All Lives Matter". Well despite being a disproportionately small percentage of the population blacks also just happen to commit a disproportionately large share of cop killings..They commit disproportionately larger amounts of all violent crimes for their population than any other race. This coupled with a fostered greater cultural attitude of defiance and hostility towards the police lead to more police brutality incidents and murders. The truth of the matter is that attitude of non compliance and defiance of the police rooted in a greater failure to show any respect to police escalates sitautions like gasoline thrown on a fire when you combine it with an equally flawed police authoritarian "obey me" attitude. Black lives matter tells people who are defiant towards police that they are right to be..What society essentially did is act as an enabler to all black people who are hostile towards police and breed an entire generation of and recruit many many more to cophaters and white people haters..The attitudes towards police will certainly persist through any changes in police protocol to prevent brutality. So by making it about racism instead of about police brutality..we have taken the demographic who are the biggest part of the problem attitude wise and enabled them to be even more defiant and hostile..it won't end with good legislation..like the coronavirus this may be the new hellish normal in our country.This is why it makes me angry when people go around crying "disproportionate deaths...systemic racism..racist police" It creates an entitled beligerence that won't soon cease to color future interactions between law enforcement and african americans. By failing to define the problem as having two parties to blame. You have enabled the bad acting of one while expecting the other to exercise even more restraint and be the sole one held responsible by society. This ironically is a lot like another large group that experience disproportionate amounts of death among the white population. Mental health diagnosed people. The credible abuser blames the mental health diagnosed person, has them committed without a fair trial..forces them to be on drugs and then continues their abusive treatment of the mental health patient which has essentially been enabled by the psychiatric community. There are two sides to every story and a wise man knows that where there is a problem often both parties share the blame and both parties need to change to properly resovle the situation. That is what needs to happen with police and african american people. Both sides need to make changes.

Shockingly  HALF of police shootings involve people with mental illness! The difference in risk comparing mentally ill white to other whites is greater than the difference in risk between whites nad blacks! Many times wellness checks are called on these people and are not handled properly by police who only escalate the situation. There needs to be changes in protocol and involvement of actual mental health advocates on the scene. Police not only don't know how to handle people like this. They almost always escalate the situation. Remember this slogan...We always have more time to save a life...How many lives would be saved by slowing crisis situations down? Incorporating mental health people and a mental health advocate for the person as a first line communication and police only as a back up in dangerous scenarios.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/half-of-police-shootings-involve-people-with-mental-illness/

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/black-police-officers-likely-kill-black-people/

We have data on a total of 2,699 fatal police killings for the years 2013 to 2015. This is 1,333 more killings by police than is provided by the FBI data on justifiable police homicides. When either the violent crime rate or the demographics of a city are accounted for, we find that white police officers are not significantly more likely to kill a black suspect. For the estimates where we know the race of the officer who killed the suspect, the ratio of the rate that blacks are killed by black versus white officers is large — ranging from 3 to 5 times larger. However, because the media may under report the officer’s race when black officers are involved, other results that account for the fact that a disproportionate number of the unknown race officers may be more reliable.

Bottom line with this is..how can you claim systemic racism by police when black police kill black people as often or more often than white people?!!! Another fun fact...more police officer are killed by blacks than black people are killed by police...Of course you aren't going to see a worldwide outrage over their death. After all they're only police officers who risk their lives to keep the country safe. In all likelihood these officers who are killed are not the type of bad actor police BLM movement is making the general case against (and neither are 90% of the officers involved in the high profile cases in the media today). The truth is that in cases like Jacob Blake the victim was not being profiled or targeted racistly and it was the black girlfriend allegedly being sexually assaulted who called the police after which the police treated Blake no different than a white man. The excessive amount of times he shot him was yes extremely out of line and not even 1% motivated by the cop being “racist” The cop who choked George Floyd did not do it because he had racist anger at Floyd! He was just a bad cop. Another common denominator in all these incidents is the suspect trying to taze, shoot or possibly stab the police.

The sad fact is that they are propogating an untrue narrative about these incidents and politicizing these poor people's deaths. I mean seriously! Were the officers that killed George Floyd flashing clan signs? Did the officer have any history at all of white supremacist ties? How is George Robinson's death any less important than George Floyd's? I'll tell you how..he doesnt support their sick politicizing of tragedy. The party that supports their reverse racism movement not too ironically just had a nomination event full of the same politicizing tragedy tactics.

https://thegrio.com/2020/08/16/mississippi-police-officers-charged-for-murder/

[morshtalon]

Shin Megami Tensei If...

(Part 8 of the MegaTen thing)

So, the previous main title in the franchise managed to close off its continuity in an effective, satisfactory, appropriately big manner. We wouldn't be looking at a new mainline game for 8 years this time around, so during that time a slew of spin-offs were released, the first of which being Shin Megami Tensei If...

Given these conditions, I can only speculate the designers gave themselves significant amounts of leeway as far as actually designing new stuff was concerned. Aside from 2 or 3 new pieces, all the music is recycled from SMT 1 and 2. The ones from 2 now have an actual melodic line, something that was strangely absent in their game of origin, so technically there's something new in them. Regardless, having just finished SMT2 prior to starting this game, two whole games with the exact same battle tracks was pretty grating to me.

Random art has also been borrowed from 2 in places. Most of the demons look the same, naturally, but some character art has also been lifted and modified slightly. Again, having just gone through 2, this feels like a weird milking of 2's material, as if they had stuff left over from its development and, in a Roger Corman-esque move, decided to just throw a new game together with it while they still had time. "If..." came out the same year as SMT2 as well, so good on them for being efficient with their assets...?

The gameplay, however, has undergone some changes. Most of them, I would say, actually make the battles more involving and fun. In SMT2, there were two "rows" of character boxes, but it made little to no difference in actual gameplay. Now, the party members in the back row can't use melee attacks, having to resort instead to either special skills or their gun. Furthermore, enemies won't be able to reach your back row guys with melee attacks, and they WILL target them a lot, so you can get some use out of it as well.

Ammunition is finally not just a piece of equipment anymore, and there's actually a counter representing how many bullets you have left (there's still no magazines or reload command, though, you're only limited by the standard max item stack size of 99). Sometimes, it can be annoying to keep restocking ammo and buying it in bulk, but I liked the potential the idea has of making you have to use your special ammo sparingly. This is something that could have solved SMT1's problem of overpowered status effect bullets, for example. It's underutilized here, however, and for the most part you can just buy regular bullets and call it a day.

Magic is a lot more effective this time, but the MP costs for spells are now very steep, so you'll still want to just stick to the support classics (tarukaja, rakunda, mediama, etc.) Instead of using attack magic. I would like to see magic being more useful in the future, though, and again, the potential has been opened and, with further tweaks, things can start heading toward great places.

With these changes, one again feeling like a contrarian, this game was harder to me than 1 and 2 were. Not a lot harder, mind you, but hard enough to demand some attention. In practice, though, this just meant that it took longer for me to properly set up all the essentials for having a breezy time with SMT games. Once it was ready, it was back to auto-battle time, but not always, though. I had to stop and change my moves quite a bit, especially as it was getting close to the end. The final dungeon throws enemies at you that are much beyond the level of one just playing the game normally without grinding, and things got pretty intense up there, forcing me to go back and readjust my demons and strategies a few times. Overall, I liked the raw battle aspect of it a lot more than I had previosuly with the franchise. It was more complex and involving, and felt like the systems were maturing. They're still juvenile here, but many cool things have begun to take shape, and I appreciate SMT If... for being their herald.

However, the unfortunate truth begins to creep in as I reflect about what it was all in service of. Bluntly put: The story and level design both suck. The plot is simplistic and inexorable; what would have been an arc in a game with a bigger scope is the whole game's plot here. There's no escalation and no surprises. The game sets things up, sends you jumping through pointless hoops on a meandering journey with the barest of juicy interactions, then quickly wraps things up and sends you on your way without so much as a second thought on its own events. Sure, there are multiple paths decided by who you partner up with at the beginning of the game, but outside of a superficial character study regarding the main villain, nothing of much intellect is contributed to a player's brain that hasn't been gathered in countless other, more involving RPGs before.

The hoops you have to jump through are simplistic mini-arcs surrounding sectioned off dungeon exploration. It reminds me of the very first game of the series, it's just a collection of errands with minimal interconnectivity. They're kind of short, too, and it results in the game feeling boring and repetitive at the same time it seems reductive and minimal in hindsight.

I suppose I have to talk about the Domain of Sloth, because it's the most baffling part of the entire game. The object here is to waste time. Several people are digging different holes in the walls, and there's either 7 or 8 "steps" between their start and end points. Each person digs a step further once the moon rotates fully, and each phase of the moon takes roughly, let's be generous here, 16 steps to move one sixteenth of a full rotation. Got that?

Well, if you javen't figured it out, the object of this "dungeon" is to directionlessly walk at least 2048 steps (16x16x8) until everyone is done digging their tunnels so you can go and see what's at the end of each. It's honestly elusive to me why they would think this was a good idea for a "puzzle". Did anybody ever playtest this? If they did, I have to assume at least someone was like "this is really boring and stupid, guys, shouldn't we change this puzzle around? Make the player have some agency over its progression?" and was quickly shut down by the higher-ups because they had deadlines to meet or something.

Regardless, other than that, I kind of dig the dungeon design of the other areas. Eventually they get pretty confusing and make liberal use of darkness tiles, teleport tiles, multiple stairways, holes that drop you to a floor below, and whatever tricks the dungeon design has accrued through the franchise's history. To some, it might be rage-inducing beyond the point where they can reasonably be expected to soldier on, and I can understand that, but I like it when the game doesn't pull any punches and is not afraid of using all aspects of its design. In my mind, it they really feel like sticking with the first person pseudo 3D bull honkey all the way through 1994, they might as well use the possibilities that such a manner of constructing levels gives them. For what it's worth, in the scope of dungeon crawls, it's not nearly as bad as it could be. I managed to clear the whole game with no outside help whatsoever, while in a game like Wizardry, I can barely get past the first floor with extensive hints as to what I could do to make life easier.

SMT If... does have things going for it. The battle gameplay is better than ever, a host of new, interesting ideas were being experimented with, and the level design, in a raw kind of fashion, showcased some bits that I personally found more captivating than dungeons in SMT1 and SMT2. However, the essence of a game like this is the story glue holding it all together, and this game falls flat on its face with its reductive, meandering, fruitless narrative. It fails to give the good aspects of the game any context, and turns it into a borefest. It has nothing over SMT2 besides being a little harder, and while it sows interesting seeds for future franchise titles to harvest, in itself, it fails to rise much above the previous entries in regards to interest. The experience of actually playing Shin Megami Tensei If... is one of disappointment and frustration at seeing the design milestones that, given the scope of the SMT series, the game fails to capitalize upon. My score for it is 4.4 out of 10, which is extremely harsh considering I technically had so much good to say about it, but this is not a game that's more than the sum of its parts. It's kind of like eating raw eggs, then gulping down some flour, chewing on a block of butter, and finally, sniffing sugar off the table. Could have been a yummy cake with some care, skill and preparation, but instead it's just a catastrophic mess to your taste buds.