#like in a 'i am your salvation way' for the girlies who remember

[lorelune]

one day i will write a deeply personal fic about sexual assault and perception of body and trust it will be an aventurine fic LMAO

[saiilorstars]

The Beginning of Everything

Ch. 19: The Monaxi Reality Show

Fandom: Doctor Who

Pairing: Female OC x 10th Doctor

(OC Renata’s Face claim: Marjorie de Sousa) (Gabby’s face claim: Victoria Moroles)

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DISCLAIMER: This chapter’s plotline is from Doctor Who’s comic stories. Most of the dialogue is directly written from the comic. The plot is NOT mine.

Chapter Summary: The Doctor discovers who the Sky Hunters really are and he, along with Renata and everyone else, have to put up the fight of their lives in order to end the Monaxi's little horror show.

Gabby felt like her head was spinning. Her kidnappers - or saviors, it was still in the air - were talking at the same time, one voice over the other, so she didn't really know where to interrupt to make her case. She was grateful that one of them - the only human-looking one - had stopped the team from killing her on the spot but now they were all arguing with each other. Actually, on some level it was mind of funny because they started out debating what to do with her and somehow ended up arguing with each other over other things.

"Only you were stupid enough to get caught by them too!"

"Come on! Let's just fry her already!"

"Be quiet! Everyone, I'm trying to think!"

Gabby hadn't even gotten up from where the ship's force-field placed her after being brought into the ship. She was afraid that if she moved even an inch, everyone would shoot her. You can't just sit there and let your friends die! She exhaled deeply. She really couldn't just sit there. Her eyes flickered to the human man who seemed to be taking the reigns of the team. He could be her only salvation right now.

"Y-you," she found her opportunity to speak once the Earth man shut the other members up. "You're a human like me, right?"

The man furrowed his eyebrows at her. She at least didn't seem like he wanted to kill her, unlike the others, which gave Gabby hope that this was the right way to go.

"Yes, I am," he answered in a gruff tone.

"So am I!" Gabby exclaimed and pulled herself up to her feet. "If you can scan for a false bio signature, you should be able to pinpoint the origin of my DNA. You'll find I'm a native too!"

One of the members - a blue alien creature with a tiny head, a squared body and fat legs - scanned her with a circular object on its chest. "She's right," it declared a few seconds later. It brought up one of its skinny (almost tentacle-like) arms to the Earth man. It's hand was a screen that showed the results of the test on Gabby. "She's telling the truth boss, except there's an anomaly. Her DNA is genetically distinct. A throw forward, like she's from another time zone."

Gabby gulped. "I can...I can explain that…"

"What, you're a tourist from the future? That's even worse!" a bald, humanoid man with two sets of eyes growled. Gabby did not like his buff arms holding a high tech gun at her.

"And impossible," added a tall, green humanoid women with long, like hair.

"Not at all," went a pine tree-looking alien. "It's just not allowed. Generally speaking, anyway. I have seen future days…"

"Shut up, all of you!" the Earth man ordered again. "This data says you're from the world's future, supposing that were even possible," he looked at Gabby. "Why are you here?"

Gabby didn't answer straight away because she was a little bit distracted with the blue alien's tentacles floating around her. "Umm...to stop the Sky - I mean the Monaxi?" She had no idea what the 'Monaxi' were but she figured it was the name of the creatures behind the 'Sky hunters'. "That's what the Doctor and Renata do. They help. We help."

"What? You're conscientious objectors? I hate them almost as much as I hate tourists," the buff alien huffed.

"Last time some well-meaning protesters were captured by the Monaxi," the woman said. "They got themselves splattered across three valleys."

Gabby's eyes widened.

"Right. That's not what's needed here, future girl," the pine tree alien said.

"We are one cell amongst many who resist the Monaxi," the Earth man explained.

"They're invading," Gabby nodded. That much she could conclude on her own based on what she'd already seen.

"No, they're enslavers. They use this area's people and many others as a stock cupboard. Or pantry, based on whom they're selling them to."

Oh, this is bad, Gabby gulped.

~0~

"It's hot," Donna concluded almost as soon as she was conscious.

The Doctor was already standing up and gazing about. Wherever they were it was very different from the woods. For starters, Donna was right. It was blazing hot. They were in a desert that even included the traditional three birds flying in the sky that one would usually see on t.v. There was a lake not so far away from where they were but that was pretty much it.

"Doctor, where are we?" Donna got up and looked about.

"Never mind that," Renata stood up fast, but doing that too fast left her wobbly on her legs for a bit. "We need to find Gabriella and fast. Who knows where she is or who took her."

"Meerox?"

The trio turned to see Munmeth calling to another trio from a distance.

"Doctor, I don't like this place," Renata told the man. None of them were really concerned with who Munmeth was talking to considering they looked like they were part of his clan or the River clan. She was more worried about Gabby and where she ended up. Of course she wasn't denying they weren't in enough danger themselves. Already they had been attacked earlier and were taken away by the nets only to be deposited where they were now.

"I may have an idea of who's playing with us," the Doctor said quietly so Donna wouldn't hear.

Renata looked at him with widened eyes. "Someone you know?" She didn't mean to sound accusatory, but that's how she sounded and for a moment the Doctor lowered his head. "Doctor, I-I didn't…" she sighed. "This isn't you. Whoever did this is at fault. And we're gonna find them."

"Munmeth, watch out!" Donna shouted and ran to yank the man back before one of the trio of his clan speared him to death.

"But I know them!" Munmeth was stunned that he'd nearly been killed by his own friends.

"Nobody's a friend here," the Doctor eyed the trio carefully.

Renata seized the spear that had nearly taken Munmeth and held it threateningly at the clan trio. "I don't know who's pulling your strings but you better stay the hell away from us."

"Munmeth, if we don't fight you, we'll be punished," the women from the trio answered.

"Oh," Renata straightened up a bit. "So they're real." She thought they might have been projections or basic technology but no, they were actual people.

"No we don't!" the Doctor snatched the spear from the Renata's hand and struck it into the air just as a huge bird - a pterodactyl - swooped over them. It came crashing down with sparks and its head rolling to the side.

"It's a robot," Donna caught the wires sticking out from the bird's neck. She flinched when the Doctor smashed its head with his foot. It was very aggressive and unlike him, but the situation called for it. "Now listen to me," the Doctor turned to the clan trio, "We don't have much time. This was not a bird. It was a camera." He pulled out his glasses to examine the bird. "It was the eyes of those who are truly watching you, stealing you from your homes, making you fight. We need to destroy as many of these cy-birds as we can."

"Who is this stranger?" a blonde man asked then eyed Renata and Donna.

"Who are you to tell us what to do?" asked the second man, a bald man.

"Seriously?" Renata groaned. "I really hate when they do this," she looked at the Doctor. "Humans can be very slow sometimes."

"Oi!" Donna elbowed her in the ribs.

"Quickly, we don't have much time," the Doctor pulled the spear from the ground again.

"Do as he says," Munmeth urged his people. "He is...the medicine man."

~0~

"Gabby, I'm Effrid Blink and these are my associates," the Earth man was introducing himself to Gabby. The team was somewhat more amiable than before but the only one who really seemed to take an honest, friendly attitude towards Gabby was Effrid.

Gabby still put on her best, warmest smile as Effrid introduced her to each of the crew members.

"Mem-brain was liberated from a Monaxi circus. He can't remember his real name."

The buff alien in question only huffed and went to the computers along with the woman with them.

"Unta, a Jerdian, whose world has become considerably more warlike in response to the Monaxi threat…"

Gabby wiggled her fingers in a hello manner but neither alien in question seemed to care for it...except for Tony.

"I'm Tony, hi!" the blue-squared alien that had scanned her earlier waved one it's tentacles at her. It definitely cheered up Gabby a bit.

"Tony, as inscrutable as he is useful," Effrid seemed closer to smiling. "It was he who rescued me from Monaxi. The tender mercies long ago. I still don't know what's inside that plasma suit he wears, but I trust him with my life."

Gabby eyed Tony's exterior with newfound curiosity since his skin wasn't skin but a suit. "Nice to meet you all."

"If you're sticking around, girlie, make yourself useful," Unta said as she sat down in front of the computers like Mem-brain.

"It's really nice to meet you all," Gabby said rather fast as she had more pressing matters to get to. "Listen, my friends got taken away and I really need to find them."

"Guerilla tactics are best when dealing with the Monaxi," Effrid went to take the head chair of the controls.

"That way we were made a hazard for the relatively minor operation they have going here," Tony said.

"What do you mean?" Gabby neared the screens, wishing to God she had learned some basic alien language in the past but...alas, she had not. "I really need to find my friends."

"We keep them from decimating the population," Effrid looked back at the concerned Gabby. "That's about all we can do. Resources are stretched."

"Well...how long has the Monaxi been doing this?" Gabby asked.

"Too long," sighed Effrid. "Longer than I can remember."

"They're like a plague," Tony shook his tiny head. "We'd need an army to drive them back."

"No," Gabby said matter-of-factly. She immediately had the looks of Unta and Mem-brain. "You need Renata and the Doctor. Trust me."

~0~

The Doctor had led the group through the 'desert' and discovered many more cy-animals that contained cameras. They were being watched through everything it seemed.

"Are we clear on what we do, then?" the Doctor asked the group once they stopped by another lake for a quick rest and catch up. Munmeth's friends still seemed a bit unconvinced that the Doctor's plan was the way to go, but it was really the only plan they had that gave them a chance to survive. "Whatever happens, whatever you see, and no matter how terrifying it looks...stick to the plan." He reached for his sonic inside his coat and started examining the lake in front of them.

Renata noticed the worried looks from the others and assumed they still weren't very trusting of their technology. "It's really alright," she assured them. "It's just a sonic...which...you don't really understand either…"

"As I suspected - hard light synthetics," the Doctor read off his sonic.

Donna crossed her arms and gave the man a pointed look. "And for those of us who don't speak 'Doctor'?" she then glanced at Renata but the Time Lady put her hands up.

"Don't look at me, I barely know what he's talking about sometimes."

The Doctor rolled his eyes at their conversation. "I meant it's holographic. It can be disrupted. As can anything else on similar wavelengths."

Donna practically glared at him. "I still don't know what the hell you mean!"

"Nothing here is real," the Doctor lowered his sonic with a heavy sigh.

"Doctor…" Renata had caught something dark forming across the lake. She took a few steps forwards, letting the water hit her ankles, but she didn't seem to mind getting wet. "What's that?" she pointed up ahead.

Sand swirled as if there was a sandstorm coming. Something black was forming in the middle of it and it looked to be huge.

"Positions people!" the Doctor immediately shouted. "Remember to wait for my signal!"

Donna was the first to rush away but she pulled Munmeth with her, who then brought along the rest.

"Renée, you too," the Doctor reminded but Renata shook her head.

"I want to know who the hell created all this and took Gabriella from us," she said with a deep scowl across her face. Her eyes narrowed as the creature from the sandstorm finally emerged but there was an immediate confusion once she saw its squid figure. "I'm sorry-" she blinked, "-are we under the sea?"

"I should've recognized all the trademark signs of oppression," the Doctor frowned. "A whole holographic coliseum to test out the qualities of those they enslave."

"I must have missed that class," Renata mumbled. She studied the bright orange squid coming towards them on its dozens of long tentacles. Its top part resembled a circular spaceship but it was still bright orange with only a streak of silver at its middle.

"The energy nets, indiscriminate use of tractor beams directly upon living matter, dumping unwanted captives from great heights...the needless cruelty…" the Doctor reached for Renata's hand, gripping it tight as soon as he held her. "Everyone, now!" He dove to the ground, pulling Renata with him, and allowed for a perfect target that the others could get.

Everyone threw piles of sand at the squid, delaying its arrival to their side of the lake. The Doctor then aimed his sonic at the squid and activated it. The squid's orange and silver top seemed to rise a bit and revealed a monster-like head underneath complete with classic horror, sharp teeth and dozens of eyes.

"What is that, Doctor!?" Donna watched the squid struggle to stay on its tentacles thanks to the sonic.

"A species of traders that prey on less advanced lifeforms and sells them to high civilizations," the Doctor said. "An elusive race known to be that rare thing, a composite of physical matter and energy. And if I am recalling correctly, you also pipe the gladiatorial spectacle from these coliseums back to your homeships. Munmeth, Kria, now!"

Munmeth and Kria came running with a huge, fashioned net between them. Between them and Renata, they threw the net over the squid and essentially knocked it to its side. The Doctor's sonic was messing with the squid's tech on its top.

"Pitiful little...bipeds…" the squid groaned and slowly picked itself up again, tossing the net to the side.

"Oh, it talks," Donna made a gesture as if she should've known it would've talked.

"Good," Renata glared at it. "So it can tell us where the hell we are and where the hell Gabriella is."

"You'll regret causing damage and delay," the squid warned.

"Try me," Renata was quick to say despite not having much to defend herself with.

"Renée, just stay back!" the Doctor exclaimed as he kicked up the energy from his sonic.

"I may not have a sonic but I do have my ways," Renata scowled.

"Yeah, well, as much as I'm very curious how your balled fists are going to solve this...let me just take care of it!" the Doctor put himself in front of her and used every last bit of energy to finally put the creature down.

The squid collapsed on its own tentacles and as it went down, the orange faded from its skin and left it with a rotten, green color.

"Is it...dead?" asked Donna made sure to stay a few feet away from them just in case.

"I ruptured his energy carapace," the Doctor shrugged as he tucked his sonic back into his pocket. "I popped him...but he'll recover eventually."

"I need him to talk now," Renata snapped, although not directly at him. She was just upset that so far they hadn't gotten any clue of where they were and they were no closer to finding Gabby either.

"Renée, we're dealing with the Monaxi," the Doctor told her and watched her blink in realization. "They might be vicious but maybe they aren't as tough as they look."

"How could I have missed what they were?" Renata brought a hand to her forehead and rubbed hard circles over her skin.

"It's impossible to remember every single race we learned about…"

"You don't forget."

"I'm not normal."

That made Renata smile for a moment. Of course, the Monaxi finally spoke up and ruined their moment.

"How could a stupid local biped like you know that we are Monaxi?"

"You actually can't tell the difference between any of us, can you?" snapped the Doctor. "We're all just two-legged insects to you, huh!? Just raw material to be enslaved or slaughtered."

"It's not like you matter."

Renata actually gasped out of pure offence. "This is why I don't like travelling sometimes," she looked at the Doctor. "Because every once in a while, you meet creatures like these."

"It's a good thing we're not just any travelers," the Doctor looked directly at the Monaxi. "Constellation of Kasterberous ring a bell?"

It definitely did. "Not possible…"

Renata actually wanted to grab the Doctor's arm when he started walking towards the Monaxi. She didn't want him anywhere near the creature who still had possession of its dozen tentacles.

"Your psi-control maintaining the illusion of this place is weak," the Doctor spat. "I will ask you this only once: bring down this holographic lieso we can see where we really are."

"If you insist," the Monaxi surprisingly said.

The area around the group began to glow for a minute then died a few seconds to reveal a coliseum and they were right in the middle of it.

"What are these strange caves?" Munmeth was wide-eyed at the structure around them. Glass walls lined the circular wall on each level where there were supposed to be benches.

"They're not caves," Renata moved towards one glass wall. Now it was the Doctor who wanted to keep her close. "They're...cages…"

"What?" Munmeth looked at her.

"Imagine a net for people, a net that you can't get out of," Renata stopped walking and turned sideways to meet the man's gaze. "Everyone who has been taken is in here, in these walls…"

Munmeth didn't seem to believe it at first but once he heard the cry of his daughter, who was stuck behind one of the glass walls, it all seemed to make sense. He rushed for his daughter but came crashing into the glass instead. "Doctor, you must help me! Muthmunna!" he banged against the glass.

"I don't suppose there's a button or something we can push?" Donna quietly asked Renata.

Renata shot a glare at the Monaxi that'd brought them here. "Not unless it's feeling generous."

The Doctor shared the glare on the creature. "Drop the cage shields, Monaxi," he spat the name out.

The Monaxi's dozen eyes glowed a bright red. "I can't do that."

"Do it or I'll do worse than give your energy sac a puncture," the Doctor whipped out his sonic again and threatened the Monaxi with it.

"You misunderstand me. I am unable to. I don't have the etheric key. Only our leader possesses that."

And just as it finished explaining, something a deep orange light burst from its top. The Doctor just barely jumped out of the way when it exploded. He landed face first but looked up in time to see an even bigger Monaxi floating in the air.

"You'd risk taking the life of one of your own just to be sure of shooting me in the back!? You must be really scared!"

"I'm scared for you - get over here!" Renata practically hissed at him from her spot. She felt completely useless being unable to remember anything about the stupid creatures. She admitted there were a few times where she wouldn't pay attention in school, and much more - ironically - when she spent a lot of her time with a young Doctor.

"Gallifreyans. I know what you are," the larger Monaxi remarked. "I am Iktra. My colleague here, Vozmarth, is young, ambitious, inexperienced and foolish. He never was good for much and now he's lived up to his promise."

"It's his fault you fired him?" the Doctor almost laughed. "That's harsh even by Monaxi standards."

"You dare judge me, Time Lord?" the Monaxi lowered its body a bit as if to look the Doctor face-to-face. "In ancient times, of all the races we traded with, yours were the cruelest...the most demanding. Your kind had the most unrelenting of appetites, you were the most terrifying in your ambivalence. You use your time scoops to populate your own coliseums, your death zone, but you needed the likes of us too. You demanded gladiators for your entertainment and we supplied them."

"At least not all of us were awful," Renata called out, gaining his attention whether or not the Doctor wanted it. "We may have started out that way but some of us learned and evolved. I don't think the same applies to your people."

"At least my people are alive."

Renata's face fell flat.

"Word gets around, Time Lords. You'd have to go back to primeval times to find any of your kind outside the time lock."

"Now!" Donna suddenly shouted and when Renata and the Doctor looked back to see Donna leading the others with the huge net from earlier. They threw it over the Monaxi once again.

"You filthy bipeds!" the Monaxi shook against the net. "You cannot hold a Monaxi! I'll kill you all!"

But this time they were ready for him. One man jumped with the net to stand on top of the Monaxi and secure the net. Donna pulled hard and had the others follow her lead.

Renata actually smiled at the efforts. "It's moments like these where I can see why you appreciate the humans so much," she told the Doctor. He gave her a side-glance that encompassed his surprise at her words, but also a newfound fondness for her. He'd been getting those lately, actually.

"Use that sonic of yours to disrupt his energy carapace as well," she suddenly instructed. "If this Monaxi is the leader then by de-activating his energy carapace…"

"...we can essentially de-activate the others," the Doctor finished with a huge grin. "Renée, you're a genius!"

"I...wouldn't go that far," Renata made a face.

The Doctor didn't care for that statement. He thought she was incredibly smart, but that was a conversation for another time. "Keep him steady!" He told the others and hurried to take his sonic out again.

"We're...trying!" Donna struggled with her end of the net so Renata ran to help her.

The Monaxi shook violently to rid itself of the net. "You can't hold me!"

"Monaxi, cease all hostile actions immediately!" rang a loud voice. For a moment, the Monaxi stopped and it gave the Doctor the perfect chance to de-activate.

Once more his sonic lit up when it took aim against the Monaxi. Even as it shook, its orange color began to glow to eventually fade away just like before. "Cranking up the levels!" the Doctor was happy to report despite the terrible struggle he was now facing as well.

"Monaxi, surrender now!" rang the same voice from before.

"Where's that coming from!?" Donna wildly looked around in case they would also be attacked from something else.

Renata was the first to see a huge ship - no, rocketship. She gasped and unintentionally let go of her part of the net. "It's the ship that took Gabriella!"

Donna nearly fell back from when Renata let go of the net. "Would you be so kind to keep helping!"

"Sorry!" Renata quickly reached for her part again. "But that's the ship! We have to get Gabriella back!"

"Monaxi! Cease or we'll slice you in half!"

"I'd rather not go anywhere near that thing!" Donna cried as soon as she'd heard the threat. "If it shoots it'll hurt us too!"

Renata's eyes widened. "Good point! Everyone!" she yelled to those aiding them. "Get away from the Monaxi!" she made the gesture for them to follow her. "Doctor, you too!"

"Just a bit more!" the Doctor kept a steady aim on the Monaxi. "I've almost drained it!"

A few seconds later came the promise of a blast that sliced the Monaxi in half. The force threw everyone on the ground.

"Doctor!?" Renata was quick to call when she raised her head off the ground.

"I'm here, I'm here!" he was shaking his head to get rid of some straggling sand. "And whoever just attacked did help with de-activating the energy sources, so...I guess we should thank them?"

Renata discarded his confusion and gazed up at the huge ship in the sky. "We need to get Gabriella back."

But before they could even think of a plan, the ship took position to land. It lowered itself to the ground and opened its cargo door. A few seconds later, a few aliens, plus two humans, emerged from it.

"Renata! Doctor! Donna!" Gabby came running up to the trio.

"Gabriella, thank goodness you're alright!" Renata hugged the girl tightly. "You are alright...right?"

Gabby laughed as she pulled away. "Yes. They-" she pointed over her shoulder to the team she was with, most of which were now helping get the prisoners out of their glass cages, "-are rebellion fighters."

"Lucky for you, then," Donna crossed her arms. "Meanwhile, we were stuck fighting for a reality show."

"Donna," the Doctor shook his head at the poor comparison.

"That's what it was!"

Gabby chuckled.

~0~

Once Effrid had rounded the last of the Monaxi still straggling about, the Doctor felt it was right to leave. They had also helped Munmeth and his people into Effrid's ship so that they could be returned home.

"What about the other Monaxi?" Gabby asked the trio once they neared the TARDIS. "Would they come here to investigate why all their people disappeared?"

"Nah," the Doctor didn't hesitate to shake his head. "Monaxi always want things easy so I've rigged up a warning beacon. If more come this way, they'll know that this world is defended by us." He smiled specifically at Renata, but the woman only laughed.

"Oh please, like you said, what am I going to do with my balled fists?" she raised her two fists and tilted her head at them. "Not much, I think." She chuckled again and went inside the TARDIS first.

The Doctor seemed to think of something that kept him lingering outside even when Gabby and Donna went inside, something that brought out a big smile from him.

[amwritingmeta]

13x04: Peel Back the Layers, Dean Winchester

So, many of us - if not all - have been flailing over this image, hoping against all hope that it would be tied somehow to Dean shedding his performing side and allowing himself to just be himself. BAMF dirt under his fingernails caring loving soft hunter that he is. And, of course, that is EXACTLY what this image is tied to. I say this way way way too much on this blog but here it comes for the nosebleed section: mind fucking blown to bits.

*they are giving us everything* *prostrate position on the floor*

Let me extrapolate and dig into the the feminine/masculine theme, which has always been present on this show, but that is focused on in interesting ways this season. 

So, I realised how closely linked this theme is with Dean’s character progression when I wrote my 4x05 meta and in that episode - Monster Movie - the entire narrative, as I see it, revolves around this theme, and the thematic question of Who Am I? Yeah, not much has changed since those days, has it? (thank goodness) (because they’re about to let Dean answer that question for himself) (*tap dancing across tables*)

Here’s how I see it -->

The Feminine, simply put, is Dean’s non-performing side

The Masculine - the toxically so - is Dean’s performing side

When these two find balance with each other that balance will cancel out the toxic masculinity and Dean will be free to be himself, which is a combination of the good qualities of his feminine side and the good qualities of his masculine side. Dean will always be Dean, but he’ll be able to embrace his feelings, his inner nurturer and caretaker: his mothering side, if you will. This while rejecting the toxic masculinity that keeps his need for control so prevalent, that keeps him from trusting, putting his faith in others and believing himself worthy of others putting their trust and faith in him, of good things happening to him, of salvation and a long and happy life.

So, then. What does all this have to do with a shifter peeling his face off?

Well, ironically it’s a shifter that first brought the masculine/feminine theme to my attention, because a shifter with a skewed sense of self takes the focus of the 4x05 narrative, where he’s one of the prominent representatives of toxic masculinity. In 13x04, our shifter - Buddy - takes on that role in an even more on-the-nose portrayal as Buddy literally embodies everything that makes toxic masculinity so... toxic.

Buddy is controlling, selfish, compulsive, obsessive, violent, destructive. Poisonous. I mean, they could not have made it clearer that this male figure is not someone to emulate. He ruins lives for the fun of it. He dresses himself in the skin of loved ones, pretending to be someone to be trusted, only to get close to his intended victim in order to kill them, which to me rings out like a gong of a metaphor for Dean’s self-blame, as Dean’s reliance on Cas and inability to be open and honest with him about where that reliance stems from - to Dean - is most likely the reason Cas is dead. (and narratively it kinda is) (sorry Dean) (tell the people you love that you love them) (or show them) (or make sure they know you want them to stay with you) (and they’re not just a weapon)

So what made me think of Buddy as a Dean mirror - apart from the face peel?

Well, let’s take a look at two Dean Winchester moments in this episode that stand out to me in this context:

*sloth slow eyebrow raise*

These two distinct moments are both all demonstrative of how Dean is utterly rejecting his feminine side. 

Both times - no, let me repeat that - BOTH TIMES in direct relation to a mention of John, when Sam calls Dean out for “starting to sound like dad”, Dean responding “is that a bad thing?” (!!!YES IT IS DEAN!!!), and then Sam mentions John in relation to keeping a journal, which John did, and Dean rejects as not the same thing [because John’s journal was for fact keeping, not jotting down girly feelings]. 

He not only separates himself from the feminine - but John, too.

I mean, obviously he would do that.

But what is this season doing if not forcing Dean to take a good, hard, long look at exactly why he’s putting up a facade, at exactly how his idolatry of his father has informed his personality to such a degree that its become an armour to dress himself in? This season is about deconstructing John as much as it is about deconstructing Dean, but it’s the John inside Dean’s head that needs deconstructing, just as Mary did in S12. Mary was allowed to become flesh and bone, a real human being, a person, with wants and needs of her own.

“I am your mother - but I am not just a mom.”

It’s time for the ghost of John that Dean has kept alive in his head - however subconscious the keeping alive has been - to have its bones salted and burned.

Realising that his mother is her own person, no matter how much she’s still searching for her true identity as well, is the stepping stone for Dean realising the same of his father. That the ghost traces of John kept alive inside Dean is kept alive through Dean’s perceptions, and misconceptions, of John Winchester. 

As children, we rarely actually know our parents. We know them as our parents, but it’s always hard to view their flaws as part of their humanity, their mistakes and bad choices as part of their struggles, their life journey, their life progression - a progression that, fundamentally, is actually separate from our own. Just as it can be equally difficult for a parent to remember this about their child. Well, to simplify something as complex as this topic, because, of course, there are as many different circumstances informing the parent-child bond as there are parents with kids, so all I can really draw on here is my reading of Dean and where he’s at right now in his individual arc. 

And where he’s at is needing to see that his convictions of who he needs to be in order to keep Sammy safe - and, by extension, the world - which has been the root of Dean’s whole sense of self, the root for his identity up until now, is based on the influences of his father, absolutely, but that Dean is choosing to perpetuate this conviction. It’s Dean’s choice to put on this suit of armour because he’s been brought up to believe that feelings are weaknesses, and without the suit of armour he not only feels things too damn acutely (too big a heart and all that), but he also fears that not wearing this armour - this performance - means he can’t protect anyone, which leaves him not knowing who he is or how to behave or what his purpose is or what his worth could possibly be. 

He has to realise that he was brought up to be the hammer, but innately he’s the shield - and just as much the protector because of it. 

Dean has to understand that he can choose not to put on that armour and it will not affect who he is, because the armour was always a facade, it does not inform his personality in the slightest. He has always been him, he’s just been tied down by fear and insecurity and doubt. He’s allowed others (the influence of his father, as influenced by his marine background, heavily influenced by societal norms) to dictate who he can be, who he should be, and yes, this exact thematic focus keeps being hit on again and again this season.

Again and again and again.

There is no weird, everyone’s normal in their own way.

You are who you choose to be.

You try to force it down to make someone else happy, you’ll only make yourself miserable.

Dean is by 13x04 in a glorious place. I do so love it here. I like to call it the Cusp. He is right on the Cusp, peeps. And I’m dancing.

Anyway, back to the episode.

We have the Toxic Masculinity Representative, right?

Oh, yeah. Big time.

And what else do we have? We have the strong, kickass, smart, no-nonsense representative of awesomeness. (oops I mean Femininity.) Because Mia takes one look at Dean, at his performance, at his anger, his bottled up emotions, his rejecting his brother because Sam is consistently being open and honest and pushing for openness and honesty, for Dean to take the healthy approach, Mia sums all of this up in about ten seconds flat, tries to prod Dean into opening up and when he lashes out (”ever since I was a little girl” he says to the narrative representative of his feminine side and it’s fucking beautiful, to my mind) Mia doesn’t waste a beat before she calls him out on his behaviour.

On how he’s taking his anger out on Sam and how his performance, his armour, is making it impossible for him to relate to Sam, and how his brother truly is grieving as well. And she calls him out on how his performance is rendering Jack - aka the representative of change and reaching balance - petrified of him. (oh yeah Dean is fighting this transformation) (because it is scary as all hell) (because there’s no reason for this transformation anymore) (because Cas is gone) (so there is no long and happy future) (well... wait for it, Dean... wait for it... have a little patience...) 

Now let’s move into the most significant moment of this episode, which just serves to hammer all of the feminine/masculine theme home to me -->

Not only is Mia empathic, nurturing and caring (she wants to help) - she also gets to visually step into the good mother role (one of the strongest symbols of positive femininity throughout this show) as she shifts into the shape of Kelly, allowing Jack one final moment with his mother and telling him that even monsters can do good, allowing Jack to have a newfound sense of faith in himself - of course leading right to him being able to save Sam. 

Then, after shedding the outer layer of Dean Winchester - very, very visually tying himself to Dean Winchester - Buddy the Shifter begins to spew his poison, focusing primarily on how he resents her for leaving him, believing she could make a life for herself without him, and now he’s there to destroy that life. He’s going to make her kill again.

Translation: the toxic masculinity is telling the strong, kickass femininity that she’s worthless without him, dictating to her who she is and that she will never be rid of him, and all this, we know, is because of the mistakes she’s made in the past, where she let him rule her life, guide her onto the wrong path and influence her.

Yeah, Dean. Suck on that. LOOK AT HIS FACE! (I love his face)

And what does the strong, kickass femininity do? She does this -->

She says Hell No. You will not tell me who I am, not ever again. I will not listen to you, be beaten down by you or succumb to you, not ever again. I would rather die - wholly myself - than follow you anywhere ever again. 

This effectively does what? It nullifies Dean’s performance-fuelled notion that all things female are associated with weakness, with being submissive and taking orders - never doling them out, because look at this BAMF female, standing up for herself like a goddamn warrior.

Now, what is truly intriguing to me is that Dean stays cuffed in this scene - cuffed by Buddy, no less - and Jack can’t get him loose, Jack can’t do anything, until Sam’s in danger. Sam, who is representative of what? The supportive, empathic, increasingly balanced guardian figure, whose honestly caring about Jack, trying his best to guide him. Here’s the most intriguing part: Sam is the one to shoot the toxic masculinity representative.

Back in good old 4x05, the Girl of the Week - Jamie (representing strong, kickass femininity) - shoots the shifter (toxic masculinity), but in that episode the shifter also puts Dean in bonds that he can’t get out of, needing Sam’s help. I’m getting the increasingly overwhelming feeling that Dean truly needs Sam to push him into the next stage of his character development, and it’s small wonder - Dean has functioned as Sam’s parental figure, but Sam is an adult now, and isn’t it time Sam got to confront his childhood influence as much as it’s time for Dean to confront John? 

Sam providing Dean with the final bolt in the machinery that sets him on a path of no return, where Dean will have to face the questions Who am I? and Who do I want to be? head on makes absolute sense to me. Protect Sammy has been Dean’s inner motto since Dean was four years old. Sam doesn’t need protecting anymore, Sam is stepping up to be Dean’s equal, so it would make for a rather beautiful bookend to Dean’s internal journey if the root motto, instilled in him by John, is shattered and left behind thanks to Sam’s good influence.

But I’ll dig into that in another post.

Oh, also, I just love these blues, purples and pinks (and the fact that the only real splash of colour in the first scene set in Mia’s office is a bright pink flower) (yeah they’re going all out with the pink and blue makes purple symbolism) (with splashes of yellow thrown in for good measure) (wonder why...) -->

There’s a bald eagle in a child’s drawing on the wall (unless my eyes deceive me). The eagle represents freedom and the courage to look ahead, and not only is it - as a national symbol - such a fantastic tie-back to the US itself, where equality, acceptance and democratic freedom is under attack at the moment, but it’s also related to this:

During the Sun Dance, which is practiced by many Plains Indian tribes, the eagle is represented in several ways. During the dance, a medicine man may direct his fan, which is made of eagle feathers, to people who seek to be healed. The medicine man touches the fan to the center pole and then to the patient, in order to transmit power from the pole to the patient. The fan is then held up toward the sky, so that the eagle may carry the prayers for the sick to the Creator.

I just thought this ^^^ was lovely - related to this painting or not - because this season feels like it’s so, so much about healing, about becoming whole.

M’kay, byeeeeeee.

[atomic-r0x]

Florencia’s first story : The Party

He was laying on the bed, all dressed up in his perfectly tailored suit, all black tuxedo and the characteristic cheeky five o’clock, fingers intertwined on his stomach, the olive skin in almost fluorescent contrast to the impossibly white shirt. “You look so beautiful it stuns me” Oscar’s voice was low and slightly hoarse, almost sleepy, his deep chocolate eyes piercing his wife’s back.

The remark sparked satisfaction in Florencia, sitting in front of her makeup mirror with her back perfectly straight, tall and proud, clipping her earrings on. “Thank you, that’s good to know.” She knew she probably should have said more than that. A simple ‘you’re so sweet’ or ‘thank you, that means so much to me’, something a typical wife would tell her husband whenever he so lovingly complimented her looks. But it wasn’t the case for Florencia and Oscar – they were no ‘typical’, they were ‘smirk and sneer and roll your eyes and snap and hiss a mean comeback and have rough sex and swear’.

The dilemma was, how could a man love so ambitiously much a woman who loathed him so religiously? Maybe this was what her dear papa meant by saying she needed a man who’d go through thick and thin for and with her – Oscar’s undying fondness never vanished, nor did it change form or intensity. He wanted her every day, just the way she was, with the good and the horribly bad, and most women settled for this type of lovers, searched the world for them. Why Florencia so stubbornly dislike her husband, not even she could find a reasonable explanation. Maybe Marco had raised her expectations so high it was tough for any lover to compare.

“C’mon, I think the driver’s ready” Oscar spoke with a small smile permanently settled on his plump lips, getting up from the bed to walk towards her makeup mirror, setting a few hot kisses along the crook of his wife’s neck. Florencia smirked at herself in the mirror, watching her husband’s head make its way underneath her dark curls, seeing how his lips sought her olive skin – regardless how little she felt towards Oscar, it was impossible not to have a sense of pride in herself that she was capable of arousing him with so little effort.

+++

They entered the main hallway like royalty, the maids stepping aside as they made their way in, Florencia’s eyes glowing with satisfaction at the preparations undergone for the party. Peeling off the cashmere coat off her shoulders, she stopped in her tracks when she felt two hands grab her waist from behind, causing a small scream to escape her matte red lips.

“Happy birthday, Your Majesty!” Julian’s laughing voice automatically bringing the brightest smile to her face, Florencia turning around in a second to hug her beloved little brother. God only knew this young man right there made her heart flutter with joy whenever they met or did skype calls when he was away at university. There were many things the eldest of the Alvarez kids could resist, but Julian was never one of them.

“Baby, you scared the living spirit out of me!” she spoke, her body still tightly pressed against his in one of the bear hugs they kept strictly for one another. “Oh, look at you, what a charming young man! Am I the lucky one, or is my dearest brother getting all dressed up for someone else?” Florencia’s arms were still draped around his neck, though they were no longer hugging, her eyes adoringly examining every inch of Julian’s face, the brother she never asked for but came to love immediately, much like everybody else in the family. He was a blessing then for the Alvarez clan as much as he was right now.

Julian chuckled and shook his head, looking down a little bit before returning his eyes to the now suspicious gaze on Florencia’s side. “No, no, that’s not the case. Anyway, I wouldn’t be this well dressed on anybody else’s birthday but my sister’s” he spoke, a playful grin plastered on his beautiful face.

“Good, I like hearing that!” Florencia concluded with a smirk, kissing his cheek before parting, handing her coat to Maria, the maid’s daughter. “Please make sure there are plenty hangers for all of the guests, thank you” she told her absent mindedly before watching her go complete the task, Florencia’s eyes then turning back to Julian. “But where’s papa?”

“I’m right here” Francisco’s voice rang from the top of the staircase, his hands in the waist pockets of his tuxedo. By his side was her mother, dressed in the shiniest metallic gown Florencia had ever seen, which she instinctively knew the woman ordered a size smaller just to make sure it was super stretched on her still-attractive curves. For a moment there, standing at the top of the red carpeted stairs, Florencia’s parents looked perfect – beautiful, rich, proud and together. They looked like husband and wife, and nothing like herself and Oscar.

+++

“Girl this is absolutely crazy!” Lupe’s voice was barely audible, the woman literally screaming into her best friend’s ear to try and cover up the music and the chatter, but it hardly was successful. “Look over there, isn’t that Amelia? Oh, shut up, that’s her newest fling!”

Florencia had a permanent satisfied smile on her lips, her eyes alluring and catlike, scanning the room as she listened to her best friend speaking, a glass of champagne almost empty in hand. She was about to say something about Amelia, an old mutual acquaintance, when Florencia stopped in her tracks, gulping heavily the nauseous taste the sight had provoked in her. “How dare she have the nerve…” was all she could hiss before Maite spotted her watching her and waved, as if saying ‘hold on, I’m doing my best to swim this crowd and get to you!’ She turned around, as if she’d mistaken her step-sister’s sign for something else, aimed at an insignificant guest, and crossed her hands against her chest. “How dare she come here and act like she’s everybody’s favourite? How can you walk with so much pride knowing just how exactly you were born?”

Lupe rolled her eyes, but was nonetheless sympathetic. “Don’t be so harsh on her, she’s just trying to fit in. Besides, your dad really wanted you two to get along” she spoke, forever playing the role of the better part of Florencia’s conscience, the one that always prevented her from acting on impulse or overthinking things.

“Happy birthday, girl!” Maite’s voice shouted from behind Florencia’s back, a little louder than the latter would have liked, but then again, the party was fairly noisy anyway. She felt Lupe giving her a brief look before turning around to smile at Maite politely, and Florencia was surprised to see – with the corner of her eye – the two of them kissing on the cheek. She turned around almost immediately afterwards, displaying her most flattering smile, the type that did not even need explanation – she was the Queen of this thing.

“Hi, thank you so much!” She’d hoped Maite would have the decency to stop at that, but before she knew it, the two now-sisters found themselves in a girly hug, something parents would ask of their children to do after fighting. “I’m glad you could make it!”

“Are you kidding? There is no way I would have missed this. I am in for a good party, and I’ve been told you are pretty skilled at it.” Maite spoke with the politest smile on her face, as if genuinely meaning it, but there was something so off at how she had the perfect word at hand, like she’d gone through a script before coming to the Alvarez’s Mansion for the party. “Well, I’m gonna go find papa, I need to have a quick word with him, and I’ll be right back!”

Lupe smiled and waved a little, before a waiter made her start, causing a faint chuckle escape her lips as she exchanged the empty glass of champagne she was holding on to for a new one. “See? No harm. Maybe she got the point.” Florencia wanted to so badly to contradict Lupe about it, she had enough arguments to pick at all the peculiar things Maite did to convince her best friend she was mistaken about the b.astard, but as soon as she opened her mouth to speak, Lupe raised her index finger to her lips. “C’mon now, it’s her party. No ranting now, okay? This is your night, girl!”

+++

It was maybe two hours into the party when the front doors opened once more and the two guests made their way in. Florencia was by Oscar’s side, pretending like she was interested in the conversation her husband was having with another guest, a sixty something year old business partner of Oscar and her father’s, when she absentmindedly turned her head towards the entrance, just scanning the room to see if there was any guest she could approach as a salvation from the boringness of her husband’s business affairs. That was precisely when she saw him again.

Sixteen years. Sixteen years had passed and no sign of life, no birthday card, nothing. Sixteen years before Florencia got to see him for the last time, teary eyed and frustrated, bags packed and ready to leave, America waiting on him. And even after all this time, her heart still did flutter at the sight of Marco.

His beautiful, messy elegance, like giving a damn was something to be condemned by law – his shirt wasn’t fully buttoned up and his suit was actually a tuxedo and a pair of trousers only slightly rolled up at the ankles, the Harvard golden bad boy aura she’d always recognized in him. Marco’s hair made it visible he’d still not gotten rid of his habit of running his hand through his hair, but then again – he practiced it like military tactic, so why give it up? God, he was just like she remembered him, tall and beautiful like no man had ever struck her, cheeky smile with barely noticeable dimples, eyes stuck in the bedroom. It took a few moments of adulation to realize his arm was extended behind him, locked with someone else’s. A blonde woman who looked nothing like a local, clearly not a Spanish woman herself. She might have been a friend, or a cousin from America, a woman he’d decided to help make her way in without looking awkwardly single. She was nothing.

“Love?” Oscar’s voice brought her back to reality, her head turning back to the two men immediately. “I just told Mr. Bonario about the estate we got in Monaco, isn’t it lovely over there?” he then turned his attention back to the elderly man. “Great place for holidays, but I find it particularly good for having babies – you know, raising them the first few years away from the craziness here. We’re actually considering this for our own children, whenever it’s the right time for them; am I right, my Queen?”

Florencia only nodded with the faintest smile, excusing herself as she stepped away from the two men, her heeled feet headed straight to the main entrance, where Ana was standing, checking the guest list and talking to the concierges. “Can I have a second with you?” Florencia asked, teeth sharp like ice, yet her face never once giving the impression something was off. “Who is that young lady Marco Delgado just came in with?”

Ana looked puzzled for a brief moment, but snatched the guest list from one of the maids’ hands, running her index finger along the names orderly gathered in an Excel table. “I think she is Lisa Delgado” she said at first, looking back at Florencia as if the mystery had been solved. It took maybe a few more seconds for Ana to understand the look on Florencia’s face and cleared her throat, looking at the list again. “She is Mrs Marco Delgado. American.”

Mrs Marco Delgado. Florencia smiled and ran a hand through her hair and then both hands down her torso, feeling the silky texture of her dress against her now slightly sweaty palms. “Oh, alright! I just wanted to make sure, not call her the cousin or something like that.” Not even she was fully convinced by the words she had just spoken, but Ana didn’t seem to mind all that much, so Florencia just nodded and smiled, planning on finding Lupe.

“Florencia!” Marco’s voice called, his hand grabbing her forearm as he stopped her in her tracks, making her face him. He was just as surprised as she was to see her again, the discouraging weight of sixteen years apart feeling suddenly tougher to bare. “You… You look amazing!” He finally spoke, in that happy cheery bubbly voice people make when they need to seem happy they’ve just met someone they once were close with, but never kept in touch with. “Happy birthday, you timeless woman!”

Florencia did her best to smile, her brilliant smile, her million-dollar smile, the one where her pearl whites could blind you, eyes like diamonds under studio lights. “Aw, thank you so much Marco, it’s so kind of you. I’m thrilled you made it to the party, I didn’t even know you were back.”

“I am, actually. Have had quite enough of America” he spoke with a small chuckle, eyes lingering on the girl he used to love so dearly. The mother of his child. The first woman he’d ever touched more than as a friend. “Oh, um… Florencia, this is Lisa. She’s my wife.” Even he seemed a little puzzled by the point of looking thrilled to finally be the one to introduce them, but proceeded nonetheless. “Lisa, this is Florencia, she’s a very close friend of mine” he added as soon as the blonde extended her arm for a handshake, a patent American grin on her lips.

“It is so nice to meet you; this party looks quite impressive!” Lisa spoke, actually trying her best to hide how badly she handled Spanish. “Uh, I’m sorry, it’s taking me a while to get used to it” she added in English once she noticed Florencia’s intrigued gaze, almost genuinely embarrassed that she didn’t know the language.

So she was a wife. His wife. “It’s lovely to meet you too, I am so happy to see Marco’s finally found someone to make him wanna settle! Come, let’s get you a drink” Florencia spoke, the most hospitable grin in history plastered on her face. So she was his wife. Marco had a wife. Is that why people go to the US for? If that was the case, she’d have to prove him wrong about it.

Nobody had ever crossed Florencia’s will, and right now, the bubbly blonde beside her looked like nothing but a challenge accepted.  

[mommymegan16-blog]

A letter to my father.

I have loved you since the moment I took my first breathe..I always thought of that when I grew up, I couldn’t wait for you to walk me down the isle or be proud of me when I made the smallest accomplishments, but instead you have always been so self absorbed in your own world that I never have gotten that and I never will.. I truly do not understand why I will never be good enough as your daughter, but you are poison in my life and I finally have been stung by your words for the very last time.. I really don’t remember much about growing up as your daughter, but I so remember when ever we were out in a public setting, I was always excited because I got to feel what it was like to have a Real dad even if it was for a fake 30 minutes. You have told me over and over, “I don’t know what happened to my little girl,” she was so sweet.. Well I am here to tell you what happened. YOU HAPPENED. You didn’t love me enough, you never paid attention. When ever I wanted to do something with you, you were put out. All I wanted was to be your little girl. You did whatever you could to find a way to NOT have to deal with me. See growing up was hard. Yea, I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals trying to understand what I was doing so wrong. Why was I stealing snacks from my friends in third grade, Why was I lying all the time? Was it because I was a horrible child? Did I not care what others thought of me? Yes, YES, I really did.. I just wanted attention.. Maybe if I would of had my Daddy to hold me at night and tell me everything was going to be ok, none of this would of ever happened.. I was just a kid and I didn’t know my place in the world.. Then I grew up some more and started making decisions that I was going to better myself so I tried, I tried just for you to start pulling me back into the black pit I was in before.. You never had anything nice to say about me. You were always making fat jokes around me.. because I wasn’t the imagine you wanted I guess. I don’t know.. but there I still was joining a softball team and doing things outside to try and get your attention.. I hated sports. I was a girly girl, I hated being out in the heat. My whole child hood growing up you never told me you loved me and it was uncomfortable for me to even tell you because I knew if I said it, you would just lie to me and tell me you love me too. I can count on one hand how many times you took me out to do something and how uncomfortable I was to even be there with you because I knew it was all an act... Now let me just skip forward to me being who I am now.. I am not a perfect mother , my kids aren’t where they should be because I messed up.. nope not for one second am I blaming my adult decisions on you, because I made my mistakes myself. But I am better. Am I perfect? No? Do I want to be? No! but, Do you have the right to judge me? NOT EVEN FOR A SECOND. I mean yea, you took care of me financially sure, THANK YOU for that.. but that’s not what I needed.. I needed my father. I needed your love, your support, your shoulder to cry on.. I remember coming back from a Christian retreat called crossroads here in town and when you saw me get off the bus you gave me this huge hug and I could feel your heart drop in your chest, I really thought to myself, This is it! He’s proud of me!! I couldn’t believe my daddy was finally proud. But nope, a week went by and it was right back to the same old daddy he was before. One that just set in front of the tv or stayed outside to not have to deal with anything. I get it.. I’m a high school drop out that has hung with many wrong crowds and made plenty of bad decisions but, Don’t we all make mistakes?? As a child, You didn’t have the best life either.. You would tell me stories that compare to ours. You've been hurt, but it wasn’t about you anymore, it was about wanting better for your kids, but we are grown now and we don’t need you.. I am learning now that when becoming a parent, the main focus in your life is your kids. It's all about getting them ready for the ugly outside, for reality! It’s for teaching them right from wrong, and helping them find who they are, and set them up to be the best people they can be! I am 27 years old now. I will soon be 28 in a few months.. For almost 28 years now I've watched you fail me, leave me, blame me and cheat me. You've had all the chances in the world with me, But I know it’s not about me anymore, well actually it was never about me to begin with but that is ok. It’s time for me to let you go.. Yes I will be the bigger person and always love you, but I do not have to put up with you. The only reason I have to stay around you is, because you do have my daughter right now. Which let me remind you again. I am thankful, because you like to throw in my face everything I did wrong, instead of uplifting me and cheering me on.. I really wish we had good memories to look back on, or I wish you could understand how a real human being feels when they are let down. But you seem to have always gotten everything you wanted and I’ve always still ACCEPTED you. I remember when I went to rehab and I lost a ton of weight and you seemed to be so proud of me because I wasn’t Fat anymore, now I’m fat again and I’m just an embarrassment to you. I’ve always tried talking to you about my problems or try and make you understand things I’ve gone through but all you ever told me is that I put myself in that situation or that it was my own fault that this or that happened. All I needed for you to do was listen. I mean you could of even pretended to care, but you didn’t. I really get upset and jealous when I see other women posting pictures with their daddy and it saying, “My biggest fan,” or “Daddy’s little girl!” underneath it.. I will never understand why I wasn’t good enough to be your little girl, but now I have bigger things to worry about.. I’m tired of trying to win your acceptance. I’m over it. One day I hope you wake up and see everything you had right in front of you wasn’t so bad. That having me as your daughter was something you took for granted. That I wasn’t so bad, that I just want my daddy to keep me safe and tell me everything was going to be ok. Don’t worry, I forgive you, and I can even forget, but I’m done being your daughter. I hope you have fun living your life the way you want to without a care in the world and about the family you have left behind. I pray for your salvation with The Lord, and I really think you should thank Him for stepping up and being the REAL FATHER i need and have always wanted. I have prayed and will keeping praying for you but I’m seriously just done being your daughter. There will never be a me and you again.. The last piece hanging in my heart for shattered tonight by you, but My God was right there to catch it.. I’m hoping one day you will wake up.. I will always love you and be thankful for what you are doing for my daughter, but I will never let you say another cross word to me. Go find someone else to let down.. Sincerely, The one that got away