#like im sure theres gonna still gonna be regular sex in here somewhere but when its lestat and his mother dont say i didnt warn you

[dreadfuldevotee]

like really, truly, RIP to everyone who watched IWTV thinking they were gonna get Game of Thrones kind of slinging dick. Like, I'm sorry, if you did not find Don't Be Afraid, Just Start The Tape deeply erotic, you might be disappointed by the rest of the series

[quietborderlineinfo]

Realizing I'm not alone.

Hey, I just discovered this blog, and after looking through like 15 pages I realized I needed to write to you. I’m not sure if you will post this, or if its just directly to those of you who mod this. I dont really do tumblr so I’m a bit unsure of how things work here, but I’d like to be anonymous if you could would be so nice to share this. All of you do an amazing job, I know I really appreciate it. I’ve had mental problems for a long time, some periods its been better, sometimes really fucking bad. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety before, yet I’ve always felt like theres something more than “regular depression and anxiety”. Like there is something wrong with me, yet I feel like I must be faking it. Especially on my good days. I’ve just started going to a psychiatrist, however its through the job insurance - so i only got ten appointments. For the last year I’ve tried to figure out whats wrong with me, trying to google my way to figure out where “I belong”. After taking LSD, I suddenly got a lot of “a-ha” moments, and I continue to learn a lot about myself, remembering things my brain has forgotten a long time ago. This has been both traumatizing, but also a relief. The fact that I’ve realized that a lot of things during my life, first and foremost isn’t my fault, that I deserved better. That I am worth of love, and that I’m not OK no matter how much I lie to everyone around me. How are you? GREAT! I saw one of the posts here, and I’ve never felt like a gif described my life better. 

I’ve been sexually assaulted by my father once when I was 4-6 years old, I cant really remember how old i was. He didn’t rape me, but he did push the limits and did things he never should have done. (In addition, he was never around, never kept his promises and I’ve heard so many fucked up things from him.) This has resulted in me not knowing where to draw the line, that being either sexually or socially. Not defending myself, or daring to stand up for myself when I know deep down I should’ve. I always fought so fucking hard for his love and acceptance. I never got it though, and it still hurts so bad. He left me, abandoned me, and it hurts. It was painful crying to sleep as a little girl because he wasn’t coming home after all. I hated him with all my heart, yet I loved him. All I ever wanted was for him to care, and I know you can relate to this. Just please, fucking care. But then again, they don’t. I know this day that he doesn’t. Perhaps he cares of me like a distant niece or something, but there is no real love there. Just a polite hug as we see each other once a year.

The classical getting bullied in school is also a part of my story, it has been so fucking hard to both get and keep friends. When I find someone I like, I cling on to them as if they were my lifeline. And as I’ve seen here, I’m not the only one that grabs so tight to the relationship that I end up suffocating it. I’ve suffocated A LOT of relationships, either friends of boyfriends. I have issues with trusting people, believing that they will keep their word. Its so hard to deal with, and I wish it wasn’t. It frustrates me that these issues are such a big part of my life, and that it has effected me to the degree it has. Obviously I cant do much about the past, but I feel like all of this could have been avoided somehow. It feels unnecessary. It makes me angry. It makes me rage inside. All. The. Time. I’ve always dealt good with people, and I realize it must be because I adapt to them way to much. Agreeing on things I dont really agree with, but I dislike when people get mad at me, so therefore I adjust to keep everyone happy and end up forgetting who I am. Asking questions like: Are these really my opinions? Is this something I would say? Isn’t this mean? Perhaps thats why everybody likes me at first sight, I adjust tho who they are and always meet them in the middle, if not all the way through. Saying yes to things I dont really want to do, or lacking the courage to say no when I need to. For instance, after taking LSD, I realized how much and with how many I’ve had sex with, that I’ve had just because I adapted, didn’t know how to say no - because I didn’t want them to feel uncomfortable. Even if it meant I had to go somewhere else in my head and pretend I “was there with them”. It makes me sick to my gut, really. How self-destructive I’ve been without realizing it. How many stupid impuls-decisions I’ve done throughout my life. Many of them still affect me and the relationship that I’m in. I totally recognize this “Now I’m gonna do what ever the FUCK I WANT, let’s see if you really care!” feeling/actions, I never understood that this was what I was doing, but it was. I see that now. And that is really hard to deal with, its hard to accept, and even forgiving myself for all these idiotic things I’ve done on impuls. It was a idiotic way for me to get attention. I’ve had affairs, lied and manipulated to the ones I love the most in life. It’s so frustrating, I have, and still do spend a lot of time hating myself for all the things I’ve done. I know it’s not helping, but it’s hard to stop.  The point is, I’ve always felt alone with how my head works. Questioning my sanity, thinking that nobody could feel this way: But looking into this tumblr blog, I felt like I read through my own mind, and life. It’s kinda scary, yet it feels so good that I’m not the only one feeling this way. Yeah, it’s just nice to know that Im not alone. And I appreciate all of you out there, who shared all of you small individual points of life. Even as small as a gif. It meant more to me then I could ever describe, so thanks to all of you out there. Thanks for making me realize that Im not alone. After doing research for three days, reading all this stuff about quite borderline, I’ve never felt more understood. I have no diagnose of this, but bet your ass I will talk to my psychiatrist about it next week. I think I need to fight for this. It’s not like I want to have quiet borderline, I see it all over here how hard it is for you guys, and I feel the exact same way. But I’d rather get a diagnose and get help than go through this on my own, I want to be better. For those around me, for myself. Even if this never goes away, I will know that there is a reason behind it. I will kind off know why, if that makes sense. And I wont be alone, and that feels fucking amazing. I’m not the only one raging like a rollercoaster on the inside. I don’t know what this post is supposed to be. It’s a bit unorganized, not all things are in here that probably should, but I guess you might know that it’s hard to put feelings and experiences into words. I just wanted to share a piece of me I never felt I could share with anyone, and all of you made me want to write this down. If you read through all this, thank you for taking your time to listen to my words. It means a lot to me, it really does. I love you, strangers.

[myt626]

get to know me tag

i never thought id be tagged in something like this fhejsjdj thank you @626mark !! its so sweet that youd like to get to know me better and im so glad i got to know you better !!

Rules: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

THE LAST:

1. drink: water bc u gotta stay hydrated !! 2. phone call: my dad 3. text message: “i was gonna say jyp is gonna have momma auditions but then i thought of who’s your mama and im disgusted now” EVEN IN CONTEXT... 4. song you listened to: the weekend by sza 5. time you cried: i cry at really soft cute things so last night when reading fluff fhdjdndj 6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: noooo 8. been cheated on: yes 9. lost someone special: no fhrjdndj thats one of my biggest fears 10. been depressed: *sweatign nervously*

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: nah im not into that

3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14. soft pink, peach colors, red, light blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU

15. made new friends: yup !!

16. fallen out of love: nopee 17. laughed until you cried: always omg i laugh a lot and easily 18. found out someone was talking about you: lmao yeah 19. met someone who changed you: yes !!! in a good way 20. found out who your friends are: yes in a way

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: i dont use it

GENERAL:

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: ^

23. do you have any pets: NO I WISH I HAD A DOG 24. do you want to change your name: no i love it!! 25. what did you do for your last birthday: im pretty sure i went out with family and friends  26. what time did you wake up: i usually wake up around 8 or 9 unless i need to be up earlier 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: reading/playing games/tumblr 28. name something you can not wait for: my online school stuff to arrive !!

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: 5 minutes ago before she went to bed  30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: my families money situation because we’re struggling lately and its stressful and sucky

31. what are you listening to right now: need u by monsta x 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: probably ??

33. something that is getting on your nerves: the people who unknowingly offend me or are unnecessarily rude 34. most visited website: youtube, tumblr, my online schools website bc setting stuff up 35-37.  ?????????? 38. hair color: dark brown but im gonna dye it a dark red soon 39. long or short hair: either one works !! 40. do you have a crush on someone: nah 41. what do you like about yourself: my ability to write or my personality 42. piercings: one in each ear 43. blood type: i have no idea ?? 44. nickname: nini, cenias, neena, jessie, ect. most are from my little sister that just stuck as she grew up and learned how to say my name lmao 

45. relationship status: single

46. zodiac: sagittarius  47. pronouns: she/her but im struggling with that lately??

48. favorite tv show: i dont watch a lot of tv but i love how i met your mother and i used to watch empire a lot 

49. tattoos: nope too young but i will have some later on 50. right or left handed: right  51. surgery: nope nope nope as long as i can avoid it i will

52. childhood dream: to be a singer !! which is still a thing but its more something in performing/fine arts or an author 53. sport: soccer (yeah yeah, stereotypical of me), volleyball, badminton

54. vacation: EVERYWHERE !! i wanna travel so bad !! but ill probably go to italy or germany first for the art and architecture

55. pair of trainers: i have nikes and adidas ??

MORE GENERAL:

56. eating: everything but mostly pasta or mexican food 57. drinking: strawberry lemonade or regular lemonade or juice or italian sodas 58. i’m about to go: sleep bc i have therapy tomorrow OR read or just stay here idk yet 59. waiting for: the good times to start... or got7 to comeback bc... 60. want: to be successful and happy in life WHICH IS CHEESY BUT LISTEN 62. career: immigration lawyer or something in the arts OR an author

WHICH IS BETTER

63. hugs or kisses: hugs are so soft and warm ):

64. lips or eyes: lips 65. shorter or taller: im short and i really like when people are a lot taller than me !!

66. older or younger: im young so people younger than me are really immature and even some people my age are and i cant deal with that so my age or a little older

67. nice arms or nice stomach: armsss 68. hookup or relationship: neither 69. Troublemaker or hesitant: somewhere in between

HAVE YOU EVER

70. kissed a stranger: nah

71. drank hard liquor: nope no no 72. lost glasses/contact lenses: i probably will bc ill need them when i start driving soon so... 73. turned someone down: yes 74: sex on the first date: nope 75. broken someone’s heart: apparently but they were a manipulative asshole so boo hoo  76. had your heart broken: yikes ? 77. been arrested: noooo  78: cried when someone died: yup yup 79. fallen for a friend: yes bye

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

80. yourself: sometimes 81: miracles: yes im so !! about them 82. love at first sight: yes actually

83. santa claus: nah i never did 84. kiss on the first date: it depends

85. angels: youngjae and yixing....

OTHER:

90. current best friend’s name: kayla, jolie, and linh 91: eye color: dark brown 92: favorite movie: selena or aladdin or blood in blood out orrr mi familia THERES A LOT

yugyeom is live w just his voice rn and im 100% sure its bc his hAIR !! a comeback is in the air yall i can smell it jnfubdidn yugs voice is so sweet i love it

@shelovesjinyoung @jaybleep @doublebam1a @modelmark @poeticyugyeom

these are mutuals that i really enjoy seeing and im sorry if youve already done this but !! id like to get to know more about you guys !! <3