#like if i go to bed at 4am and wake up really tired ik that its my fault im not gonna sit there and complain

[kkujo]

getting up at 8am to do self care after sleeping for 2 hours is like 😁😦

[emotionalyodeling]

bro i am. a bunch of emotions. i have. so many feelings but ultimately they r all caused by like. not doing my hw so. note to self (as if i haven’t known this already) please do ur hw oh my god. it’s so much easier to not hate urself when u do ur hw. alright i feel like a human pile of shit. woke up at like 12 and played duel links all day. did not eat a lot so. that is probs y i do not feel good. basic physical need not taken care of. but tbh i cannot explain why i just literally did not want to do anything today. mayb because of duel links? its easier to just sit and do nothing instead of take charge of ur life but jesus i was so tired. probably because of me staying up til like 4am when i had to wake up at 6:30am the same day. much like what i am doing rn. i will be sure to do my shit today and just go to bed. tbh these things are all  obvious, tired and not well nourished v easy to feel discouraged that way... but anyhow. had 2 thoughts i want to blurt out. 

i. am actually a whore. like i met this guy in japanese class and we had like. similar banter to me and zach in the beginning which is the like “fuck you” banter (side note: i also have this banter with a guy at work i def am interested in?? but also not seriously more like encouraging a puppy but i def have intrusive sexual thoughts about?) and i remember teasing about him liking me and then he was like “dont u have someone?” and my face after was like a “welllll” as if to suggest like ehh it doesn’t matter and i thought about that and tbh that was really fucking awful that that was how i reacted to that question like zach would have cried if he saw/heard about me doing that :///. idk i think i’ve just noticed that my type is guys i banter with (also,.., major nerds?) and its just like ahgha. i have a partner but i also wanna flirt with u guys but i do not want to hurt my partner, but i am so curious as to how it would b like dating these guys. tbh i don’t think i’d pursue both prolly just japanese class guy but like ugh. i do not know if this means i should break up with him b/c like. idk this circles back to a dream i had about cheating on him and just hghghg. i feel like i am so easily swayed and also kind of wishy washy about commitment idk. i think tbh it might be more of like a curiosity since zach is like, the first guy and real relationship i’ve had, so i’m curious to see like, i guess, and as awful as this sounds, how it would be with other people and if my experience with other men would b the same. (side note had an intrusive sexual thought about ***** and i want 2 off myself). idk im gonna write it off as curiosity, but tbh. i don’t know if i would be strong enough to resist the temptation of just trying it out. i say that but also i got so guilty after just kissing kallie even tho it was a peck. ughhghg. i just feel .ike it would b so easy to date this dude or like just fuck him and tbh it just makes me wanna do it. honestly i think my problem is just that i am horny and whimsical and idealize a fwb even tho i know the other person would get hurt. idk men ar ejust easy to pull anyways so like. mmmm. does not help. anyways i don’t rlly have a way to improve upon this tbh, i think just typing it out helps a lot..? but i’ll share more thoughts if i have them.

[sleepii-moth]

my mom just loooves to treat me like a child

like she keeps just making up excuses for giving me a fucking BEDTIME

i have to go to bed at fucking 10pm every school night

she always says its because im "grouchy" in the mornings and like??? no??? im just a little tired??? because i have to wake up at 7am????? i always ask her "when have i ever been grouchy??" "can you give me an example of when ive been grouchy??????" and she never responds or gives me a straight answer

i get up on time and do what i need to do to get ready for school, and yet me just existing isnt good enough for her

at this point she's never gonna fucking let me go to bed when i want