#like i've had them happen individually but i fear they are combining in bad ways

[say-hi-intrepid-heroes]

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[townofcadence]

Butch is--- feeling a lot of things, which isn't a surprise given the talk. He can feel the way it poisons him to something far more bitter, that negative sense twisting up his insides. There's also suspicion too, confusion. Though the more feelings he seems to juggle, the harder it becomes to pinpoint any one sensation. Like looking into a vat of soup and trying to tell what individual ingredients were inside. Some were easier than others. Some were impossible. He almost wants to apologize for even pushing at all, but there's a yearning undercurrent he can just barely tell is there that stays his tongue.

Which seems to be...maybe a good thing? Backtracking might have made Butch close up again. Now, he's opening his mouth, trying to push past that tightening Artair could feel in his lungs, what he could only assume was some kind of--- fear blended with anger. Of giving too much away to someone who could hurt him with it. He would do his best not to make him regret that.

The most he offers is a nod to Butch's pointing finger, and then he listens.

It was....obvious, how much Butch cared about his partner. Even under all those layers of pain, there was still love, still almost a reverence. It made sense, when they knew each other so long, and he had been so loyal, with an ending note so uncertain. How close she felt they were might be a different story, but he loved her, in some way, he was sure. He loved her and devoted himself to her and her work, to help her achieve her goals even when he didn't like what he had to do.

It was..... knowing how that ended, and then what he'd endured, that made it painful in his chest. Empathy and sympathy combined into a devastating cocktail inside him, though he schooled any sign of it from his face. It was easy when he thought about times where it'd made things worse for who he listened to. When they assumed his sorrow for their hurts were pity. And he could feel Butch's own, as he recounted their last meeting, and his time in the book. Artair said nothing while he still spoke. But when he finished, his right hand moved to rest against Butch's knee.

"I'm....I can't imagine how hard this has all been for you." He gave him a small squeeze. "I can't know why she did what she did. But.... I hope it wasn't.... mmn. I guess it doesn't matter. What does is that--- it's awful, what happened to you. Nobody should have to go through having to wonder why someone who mattered so much to them hurt them so bad. And with all the dangers in the book--- I... know it can be hard not to just push past it and leave it in the past. But I think you have every right to be angry and hurt and--- sad. I knew someone who--- went through a betrayal like yours, in a way. They were the sweetest person you'd ever know, and he--- what happened hurt so much it twisted him up. He tried to handle it alone, and I think... having to carry something so heavy and feeling so alone... it was awful. He had his reasons but-- but he had every right to be so hurt. Just like you do."

He let his prosthetic palm curve over his neck at the nape. "I wish I could say something that makes it better? But..... it's okay not to be okay, I guess. You're--- you're pretty strong, though. For surviving all that. But just because you can be strong doesn't mean you should've had to be. Having someone....leave you behind. It---- it hurts. And then everything else on top of that...."

He looked him in the eyes. "I.... I'm sorry. Not- not in the sense I did anything, or I-- pity you for it all. But I'm sorry this happened to you. You--- I mean, you could've left me behind, back when that dragon lady came after you. Or you could've done things in a way to keep yourself safer. Used me as a bait or something. You didn't have any stakes in me, I was just a stranger. But--- but I think what I've seen, you're a good guy, Butch." He curls his legs tighter. "And you didn't deserve that. Not the nightmare land or being hunted or being left like that or changing or having to adapt to a new place like this or-- or--- any of it." Another squeeze to his leg with his hand. "You have every right to feel--- it's all complicated. But you have every right to grieve, if you need to. There's no shame in it. You went through more than anyone should ever have to."

Butch heaves out a sigh, trying his best not to look the others way. He could feel his eyes on him and that feeling of vulnerability lingers. He’s almost angry at himself for letting so much information slip—it had completely soured the mood. Soured his mood, while they were trapped in this cave.

“It’s… it’s a long story. Ya don’ wanna hear it, trust me.” He assures Artair with a shake of his head though now that it’s the subject of their back and forth, it’s all he can think about when silence hangs between them. How to go about explaining such an extended period of time… how could he possibly tell him everything? More importantly, why the hell did he even want to listen? He was a stranger! Even if he had sympathy for him, no one did that out of the kindness of their heart—not in his time, this time, or any time in between. Not in his experience, anyway.

The more he listens though, the more genuine Artair sounds in his intentions and the more he really really wants to spill his guts. It’s something he hadn’t spoke of at all since finally being released from that damn realm and something tells him whatever weight is currently constricting in his chest at the moment would subside if he just talked about it. It was just… hard. He hadn’t been raised that way; talking about feelings? That was weakness! Or so his father used to say. He could still hear his voice in the back of his mind, angry, and that made him angry at himself for allowing it to make him feel that way, no matter how traumatizing of a situation. He had been through so much—why this?

Butch is silent for a long moment after Artair assures him that there will be no judgement, as if mulling over the consequences of doing such or Artair’s potential intentions before finally… he concedes. It was true, he needed someone to confide in, but it had been just him since he had been released. All alone, without his partner he had spent a good ten and a half years traveling with.

“Fine. But… but this stays between us, alright?” He says sternly, pointing a finger at the other man. His hands drop to his thighs where he drums his fingers nervously, another tense sigh escaping him before he begins. “Back in my time… I had a partner. She was… a good friend’f mine an’ she uh, she happened t’be… a witch.” The sandy blonde tells him, eyes concentrated on the rocky floor beneath them. “She was an amazin’ woman. Smart, beautiful, powerful…” Speaking about his former partners attributes seem to earn a reminiscent smile from him though it doesn’t last long.

“No one else saw it. I don’ even think she did. But… she had this book full’a spells she’d practice an’ learn. Did it all ‘erself! It had a whole ‘nother realm inside’f it—don’t ask me how she did it ‘cause I ain’t got a single clue—an’ when we’d run int’ dark spirits an’ evil entities in th’ mortal realm, we’d trap ‘em in there… y’know, to make th’ world a better place or… whatever she was tryna do. Prove herself.” He shrugs his shoulders; it’s clear he feels a certain type of way about it but he doesn’t dare disrespect her name in anyway. “We were outlaws, every now an’ again we’d have t’ do somethin’ horrible t’ make ends meet—like rob a bank ‘er… fetch a bounty. It was just… us. It was… great, honestly. Best time’f my life, those ten years. Sure, I did some things I regret but I was—I was with her.” So it was all okay in the end, no matter what.

“…Occasionally she liked t’ visit th’ realm inside her book t’ explore but she never went alone. We always went together ‘cause it was dangerous, full’f demons an’ spirits an’ monsters, an’ we never stayed fer too long either. She told me she didn’t know what could happen f’we stayed in there fer an extended amount’f time.” Butch explains, his eyes focused on Artair now. “One day, she comes to me in a panic sayin’ somethin’ ‘bout us needin’ t’ hide. Were outlaws. She’s a witch, plenty’a towns’f chased us out b’fore so ‘course I’m takin’ ‘er serious. But this time—…” He trails off, a sound of disbelief escaping him as if he’s having trouble continuing because he still to this day can’t understand why. Why did she do it?

“This time she wanted t’hide in the book. Said it’d be safer. Didn’t give me many details at all but told me… she’d catch up with me later.” Another long pause follows is words, his gaze falling to the ground and his brows furrowing; in his head the memory is as vivid as ever. “I tried t’argue with ‘er… t’get ‘er t’ come with me right then an’ there but, uh. She said… she couldn’t. She used her magic t’put me in that thing an’… well, that’s where I stayed up until jus’ recently.” A snort of amusement escapes him though it’s shrouding underlying anger and he looks back to the other with a certain desperation in his eyes. “She never came fer me. I wasn’t sure what happened to ‘er… if she got hurt, or…” He bites his lower lip, unable to fathom the other possibility. “Y-Ya know… but that’s jus’ the beginnin. I was in that book longer than I even knew Darlene… time didn’t pass but everythin’ around me was constantly changin. It was weird… almost like a dream. Or a nightmare more like, completely outta my control. It was always dark an’… worst’f all, all those monsters an’ demons we sealed away were there. Lurkin. Waitin’ fer me t’ drop my guard. An’ I did… th’ first few times. Never made those mistakes again.” He’s staring off into space now as he speaks, trying to recall the liminal terror that was the Other Realm as his old partner Darlene had coined it. The events that had transpire in that realm were unspeakable and he would never find himself going into detail about the horrors he had endured.

“Only thing that changed ‘bout me was my mortality an’… now I don’ even know what’s gonna happen t’me. What’s worse is… one of ‘er relatives released me outta that thing, so… she moved on with ‘er life at some point…without me.” It’s a struggle to get those words out and pondering the implications just makes his chest ache. He’s glad she didn’t die but for the longest time he was under the impression that something horrible had happened to her only to find out that she had seemingly left him behind. Had she sealed him away to get rid of him? Or had something else entirely occurred without his knowledge? He had no way of knowing now, assuming she had died long ago.

[novantinuum]

The whole "Steven turning into a monster is a way to call people with mental illnesses monsters, and he got cured by a hug" take is one of the worst ones I've seen. Like, if someone thinks this, were you paying attention? At all? Steven felt upset and monstrous for all the stuff that happened in Future (people leaving him, shattering Jasper, Diamond projection, etc) and that made him feel disgusted with himself. He transformed into a monster because he /felt/ like one, not because the mentally ill are monsters. And the whole "cured with a hug thing" was his family showing that they accepted him. Even if he isn't the "lovable classic Steven" he once was. It was a step in the right direction, Steven knowing that his family still loves and supports him through everything. And because he felt safe enough to, he cried.

(Sorry for going off in your inbox like that, I was just thinking of this today though, and seeing you post about the same thing just inspired me to go off a little.)

No need for apologies, ahah! I’ve been there XD

Also, I 100% agree with this! I see Steven turning into a monster as representative of the self-loathing and distorted view of reality that often assails individuals who are dealing with mental illness. At that moment in time, all of the mistakes Steven had made (which, some of them ARE genuinely mistakes that he’ll have to eventually own up to- see: Jasper) had convinced him that he wasn’t worthy of change or atonement, wasn’t worthy of anyone’s love or worry, because he’s just a shattering monster and that’s all he’ll be forever. Not to mention, the whole visit with White Diamond had convinced him that he truly has DESIRE to shatter, when in actuality, no- he never made a move in reality to shatter White Diamond, it was all hallucinations, and one’s intrusive thoughts are not in fact an accurate representation of what a person truly believes or wants. In many cases, they’re actually what a person fears or hates the most. Which is why they’re intrusive.

In SUF, Steven is going through that oh-so-relatable mental illness experience of “everyone else deserves love and support and isn’t forever chained to their past mistakes and can grow and change, but of course I am the one exception to this rule.” The more we the audience think about that sentiment it doesn’t make sense! It’s hypocritical in a really sad way. And that’s exactly the point. When you’re in a spot like this, dealing with trauma, dealing with all the mental baggage that comes as a result, you are not able to see the reality around you clearly. You are often not able to understand the pathways of your own mental processes clearly. 

What the Crystal Gems and Greg and Connie and the Diamonds did in episode 19 did nothing to immediately improve Steven’s ability to better understand the leaps and backflips his mind takes amidst his trauma to convince himself that he’s worthless and unworthy of love. All they did was affirm that- even if he can’t understand why at this moment- they DO love him, and they will always love him. And I honestly can’t express just how important this type of affirmation is amidst early recovery.

The hug was not a cure. The hug was just a baby step. The hug was just their attempt to carry him down from what essentially reads as a souped-up diamond version of a panic attack.

True, holistic healing did not happen in just a few minutes, nor did true, holistic healing happen by the end of episode 20.

Healing and recovery is something that takes TIME and work. It’s something that may involve one or even a combination of various tactics... support groups, talk therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, medication, non-pharmacologic remedies like massage therapy or sun lamps or acupuncture, etc. etc. etc. There’s tons of things people turn towards to relieve stress and begin to understand the workings of their own mind, and how to better cope, and I could never hope to name them all.

We actually see some of these tactics in episode 20. For instance, Steven has an exercise routine now. (Keeping active can do wonders to relieve stress and encourage release of endorphins!) He’s been visiting his friends instead of secluding himself away like in earlier episodes. He mentions that he’s been seeing a therapist, and plans on continuing this over his trip. He is expressing healthier tendencies when it comes to sharing his non-happy emotions instead of bottling them up. He’s not perfect at this yet. No one’s recovery is going to be perfect, nor will it be a continuous upward journey. There will be good days, and there will be bad days. That’s natural. But he is clearly trying, and that’s worthwhile.

IMO, I can understand the sentiment of “I wish SUF explored Steven’s mental health recovery in more depth,” because part of me also wishes that. But in the end, I believe the fandom needs to come to accept that there are certain dimensions of that recovery process that are just too raw and personal for a show on a kid’s cartoon channel to realistically tackle in a satisfying way. So to compensate for that, Crewniverse gave us a broad framework. They fed us details that showed he is on that path of recovery now.

They are encouraging us to fill in the blanks.

Which is absolutely why much of my post-SUF fanfiction has been seeking to do exactly that.

But quite honestly, I’m really tired of the whole idea that “Crewniverse wants us to believe Steven is 100% ‘cured’ of mental illness by episode 20,” because that’s simply not true.

[that-wizard-oki]

Hello! I've been aware of your blog for years, and made a Tumblr blog very recently. I want to say that your posts are extremely well thought out, and give the storyline of Wizard101 a lot of much needed depth. I think if Wiz had the gameplay and story structure of Pirate101, it would benefit highly especially for worlds like Azteca and Khrysalis. Currently I'm rewriting Wiz and your posts are a huge inspiration. Finally. what are your thoughts on Arc 3? Imo it had potential but failed.

Hey there! Thank you so much for all your kind words, I’m glad you enjoy my thoughts and theories about the game-  and I’m flattered to hear they inspire you to create your own fan work :D 

Personally, I wouldn’t say that Arc 3 failed in any sense. I think the idea of a children's/family game to tackle the theme of a broken family\divorce is pretty smart- it gives the opportunity to adults who play this game with their kids to find a way to perhaps talk about their own experience with the same themes in their real lives (if it applies to them). Likewise, i also like that the story focuses on that the CHILDREN are the one who have to clean up the PARENTS mess, more or less. Often times the children in families who have a parent/parents that are either split, should split, or are abusive to one another, are the ones who get caught in the cross fire- this is SO evident with Mellori and Bat in Empyrea.

Following that, I think it was also super clever to have Mellori (and the wizard) initially ALSO be fighting against Spider’s children. Another common occurrence in families that experience abuse between their parents/ect, is that one or both of the parents will try to divide their children onto sides- furthering the divide and conflict in the family itself. THIS was exactly what was happening in arc 3- we weren’t technically fighting Raven and Spider, but their children were fighting each other in their names.

One of the most beautiful things to come out of this game was the fact that Mellori and Bat WERE able to see through that, and instead focused on the real threat at hand- their parents. In fact, it is their COMBINED power that allows the wizard to defeat the result of Raven and Spider- the Aethyr Titan. This reflects so well into reality, where when the children of broken families try their damned to support one another, instead of letting their parents continue to control and divide them, it leads to the kids being able to break the domino effect that comes with that kind of family dynamic. They are able to become individuals- instead of being some mini version or “part” of their parents (which is also clever on KI’s part to make Mellori and Bat/Rat/Scorpion LITERAL extensions of Raven/Spider, which makes it seem like they are just kind of mindless bots doing whatever their entrusted parent tells them). 

One part i particularly like as well is that towards the end of Empyrea, Mellori talk about how she’s going to go home to her mom- and it’s not Raven, it’s Baba Yaga. I absolutely love this idea that, yea, Mellori (and any kid for that matter) SHOULD be able to choose who their mom/dad/parent is if their birth parent(s) don't provide for you the way a parent should. I think that is a SUPER important lesson for Kids AND parents to hear. You choose your own family if that’s what it comes down to, and there is NO shame in that. 

That being said, i do have my issues with some things too- this might seem small, but I never liked how when we’re in the Husk, and Raven and Spider are talking to one another about who’s “really” at fault, and eventually Raven goes “oh what have i done?” and Spider just goes “.... Yea were were BOTH really bad huh?” Like.... listen, sure, Raven probably shouldn’t have locked Cob away for eternity and stole his chaos heart in order to reform the spiral, BUT imma be real with y’all... Spider also did shit to aggravate Raven- specifically, he messed with her kids into a fucking war. I mean this half sarcastically, but tbh, if you mess with a mother’s kids... that's fucking on you man, you know the grave your digging for yourself on that one lmao.

But more seriously- i feel like they REALLY tried to make Raven out to be “worse” than Spider, and having Spider just beguile her with his words at the end in a way were she ended up being like “oh nooo IM the really bad one, oh no oh noo :((” JUST for him to be like “no its ok babe :) we’re BOTH equally as bad, stay here with me and we can be bad and alone together :)”

Actually now that i write that out, it is a little.. weird that Spider kinda got what he wanted- to be with Raven, when imo, they really should have STAYED split. I don’t come from a divorced family, but I’ve many friends who do, and I’ve gathered that more often than not... divorce can be a good thing, as it is likely to stop/lessen the conflict within families. I think that yea, they both did bad things to one another, and need to stay apart, not spend the rest of eternity together.

That’s probably my biggest qualm with the entirety of Arc 3, beyond the various obvious one, which is that Morganthe played like, absolutely no part in it lmao. I’ve talked endlessly about it, so i won’t repeat myself too much lol. 

Just to briefly reiterate- i think that Morganthe, the one who re-discovered shadow magic, was groomed by the Shadow Magi, and very blatantly infused with something akin to the conversion tables we see in Khrysalis, I think she would have been an invaluable source of information and help for the Wizard. Not only does she probably know the most about Shadow Magic outside of Spider, but it’s insanely alluded to that she was under his control- perhaps even had contact or conversation with him somehow in her time as Shadow queen.

The biggest frustration of her lack of presence though, comes from the way Khrysalis built up this INSANELY interesting Foil between the Wizard and her. The way that they both weirdly fit the prophecy, the way their lead into The Hive was so eerily mirrored, the fact that we were both called the Children of Light and Shadow by Spider, and not to even mention how the shared feelings of loneliness and fear of failure as students of Ambrose... like I could go on about these two and how amazing it would have been for them both to work together in arc 3, but also help heal and grow as The Children of Light and Shadow... but that’s not what we got unfortunately. 

Anywho, i don’t wanna ramble on about that too much because i touched on it in another ask post and you can look at that if ya want in my tag, but yea! Those are my general thoughts on Arc 3. Again, i love this arc, i think it truly has some of the most nuanced writing and characters thus far in the game. 

Besides, i always think they could easily write in Morganthe’s return for a redemption with the wizard, especially now with the Wizard seemingly trying to fight their own shadows.

Hope that satisfied your question though, and good luck with your writings :D

[rocksandrobots]

Of Rocks and Robots Ch. 20 - Therapy

Varian sat on the leather couch inside the doctor’s office nervously bouncing his knee up and down. He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to run, but he knew that would upset Aunt Cass who was seated on the chair next to the door.

This was meant to be his first therapy session and he didn’t know what to expect, or to say, or what to do. Both Hiro and Wasabi had told him that all he had to do was talk to the doctor about his problems, but Varian didn’t really feel like talking. He didn’t feel like delving into his past and reliving those painful memories. Moreover, he didn’t want anyone in this world to know of his mistakes, even if they were just a stranger.

Just then the door opened and a tall woman with short bobbed hair and glasses walked in. She wore a white lab coat and held in her hand a clipboard and pen.

“Hello, Miss Templeton. Are we here to see Hiro today?” The woman asked Aunt Cass.

“Oh hi, Dr. Mcguire.” Aunt Cass stood up to shake her hand. “No, I called earlier and told the secretary this, but I’d like you to meet Varian. Varian this is Dr. Mcguire. She’s our family therapist.”The woman smiled and shook his hand as well, as Aunt Cass contunited. “Varian is from Europe and I’m fostering him while he’s here in the states.”  

“Oh exciting!” The woman enthused. “Is this your first therapy session, Varian?”

Varian nodded his head numbly, still too unsure of himself to speak.

“Well there’s many different types of therapy. I’m a grief counselor. I use different techniques to help people deal with loss or trauma, such as, listening to people talk about their feelings and problems, helping people develop healthy coping mechanisms for anxiety or depression, helping people pinpoint or understand where their underlying issues are and what might cause them to react the way they do to certain situations, and basically anything else that helps the patient cope with their grief.”

Varian listened to the woman intently but none of what she said made any sense to him. He knew what all those words individually meant on their own but all together it just sounded like a word salad to him. He had no idea what any of that actually entailed in practice.

"Well, now Varian, tell me a little about yourself?" The doctor asked as she sat at her desk.

Varian only stared blankly at her, unsure what she wanted to hear.

Dr. Mcguire expounded "Do you have any interests or hobbies?"

Varian looked back to Aunt Cass questionly and she gave him an encouraging smile and a go on motion with her hands.

"Ummm...I like alchemy."

"Alchemy? Like the history of it, or is that some new video game I haven't heard of yet?" Dr. Mcguire gently laughed at herself. "My kids are always trying to get me into the lastest gaming craze and I can never seem to get the hang of it."

Varian once again could only stare. He'd played a few video games with Hiro and Fred, but he had no idea what was deemed popular or not. Nor did he know how to explain to this woman that he was a practitioner of a long dead science.

When this didn't elect a response from him the doctor tried a new line of questioning.

"Do you have a favorite video game?"

Varian shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't played many of them. We didn't have video games back in Old Corona."

"That's the city he came from." Aunt Cass explained. "Varian is from a Russia territory."

"Oh. Well, what did you play in Old Corona?" Dr. Mcguire asked.

"Not much." Varian racked his brain for a childhood game, but there had been no other kids to play with and his dad was not much for chess.

"My cellmate and I would play 'Noughts and Crosses' to pass the time. It's a little like Gomoku, but you try to get three in a row instead of five, and you just draw an X or O on to a grid you drew in the sand instead of having a board and colored pieces.'

"Oh we call that tic-tac-toe here." Aunt Cass cheerfully said, not immediately picking up on his mention of being in jail.

The doctor however did notice. "Cellmate?" She asked with concern.

Varian clamped his mouth shut at that. He didn't want to go into why he had been in prison, certainly not with Aunt Cass there.

Sensing the Varian's discomfort and seeing Dr. Mcguire's confusion, Aunt Cass spoke up. "I'm guessing the secretary didn't give you the forms we filled out?"

"No, I'm afraid not. I saw your name on the appointment and just assumed it was time again for Hiro's session. I'm sorry, that was unprofessional of me to assume and not come prepared. Would you like to reschedule?"

Aunt Cass looked to Varian. "It's up to you, sweetie."

Varian really didn't want to go through all this again. "No. I'm good."

"Well do you feel like talking about what's wrong then?" Asked Mcguire.

Varian tightened his jaw, unsure how to say no to the woman. But Dr. Mcguire knew her business and understood what Varian meant even without words.

"It's ok." She soothed. "You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. We're not here to make you feel uncomfortable. Therapy is supposed to help, not hurt."

This relaxed Varian a little, but only a little. He didn't know what either adult wanted from him then.

"Varian, would it help if I left?" Aunt Cass offered. "Or would you prefer that I stay? Either one is fine. It's your choice."

Varian looked back and forth between both women trying to decide. He honestly didn't know which would be more stressful; dealing with the doctor alone or risking slipping up again and having Aunt Cass find out about his past crimes.

"I...maybe?" He eventually answered.

"Alright then. I'll be just right outside the door if you need me." She stood up, walked over to Varian, gave him a peck on the forehead and an encouraging smile before closing the door and leaving.

Varian had to admit, he could breath more easily now that she'd left the room.

"Well," Dr. Mcguire spoke back up, "if you rather not talk about your issues right now, would you like to write about them instead?"

Varian gave her a confused look and in response she dug into a drawer in her desk and pulled out a notebook.

"Sometimes people find it easier to write about things than to talk about them. I often give my patiences journals, so that they can get out their feelings about stuff, make goals and plans, or to help keep track of their triggers and their responses."

She handed the notebook to Varian. It was thin and curiously printed on the front were images of lizards with hats and sunglasses riding upon skateboards. Varian might have thought it absurd looking but he was distracted by something that the doctor had said.

"Triggers?" He asked.

"A 'trigger' is anything that might make someone remember their trauma. It can be anything from a familiar sound or object, to an action or situation that is similar to an event that the person went through. When someone who's been through trauma comes across one of their triggers they might experience a panic attack, flashbacks, get angry or upset, or even completely shut down so to speak."

Varian studied the woman thoughtfully. Wasabi had described what a panic attack felt like and it sounded eerily similar to what he had felt when he ran away that day. The way he felt after having a nightmare. The way he'd felt when he had come home to find his dad unmoving in the amber.

“Do..do nightmares count?” He asked hesitantly.

“Well, yes, in a way. Nightmares are often associated with PTSD. They are a way for your mind to process what has happened to you. But they can also be caused by other things, like stress, anxiety, or just a lack of sleep. You’d have to dream about something multiple times and analyze those dreams in order to figure out their cause.”

She paused and studied Varian intently before continuing. "Some people write dream diaries to track the patterns of what they dream and when. You write what you've dreamed, good or bad, when you wake up. You also may write things like what time you went to bed, how long did you sleep, or what you may have eaten that day as those can affect how well you sleep."

"You could use your journal for that." She gently suggested.

"Then...then I show it to you?" He asked in kind.

"If you want to. Though, once again, you don't have to do anything that you don't want to."

"But, if I did, would it help?" Varian pressed, "Would it get rid of them?"

"It might help." The woman said measuredly. "Though it might not. Or you may need to do that along with a combination of things. The only way to find out is to try it."

Dr. Mcguire gave him a soft smile and Varian turned her words over in his mind. He would love for the nightmares to stop. They had only become more frequent since he moved in with the Hamada's. As if deep down he feared this new change in his life would become permanent and his subconscious was warning him to return home before it was too late. But, even still, while the doctor was right about not knowing till you tried, he worried over his past and what she or others might think of him once known. Then again, no reason to take a dream literally, right?

"I've..I...I've been having nightmares lately." He finally admitted. Dr. Mcguire only nodded along. She most likely had already guessed as much, but she didn't interrupt.

"They're always different. Like they're about different things. Sometimes they're about my home or my dad, sometimes about my friends, both old and new, and sometimes about, ummm, being in jail." He muttered this last part but then quickly contunited on, "They all end the same way though. With me being alone."

He met the doctor's eyes questioningly, wondering how she might respond. She looked to be contemplating over what he'd just confessed.

"Hmmm…Well dreams are rarely the same each time. It's usually just the repeated elements that we look for when analyzing. That's how the journal would help. But it looks like you figured out one of those elements on your own. Does being alone scare you?"

Varian looked at her wide eyed. He didn't know how to feel about having one of his greatest fears pointed out to him. It was true of course, but he didn't like to admit it.

"A, little." He admitted sheepishly.

"A lot of people fear being alone. We're social creatures. Humans need other humans and so we seek out relationships. It's nothing to be embarrassed about." Mcguire tried to ease his fear.

"Were you on your own in jail? Did you feel alone there?" She pressed.

"No, well sometimes, but like I said I at least had a cellmate. That's better than when I was completely on my own before then."

Dr. Mcguire face grew more concerned but she didn't pursue anything else about his time alone. Instead she asked, "Were you friends with your cellmate?"

"No." Varian scoffed, complaining about Andrew was easier than talking about his time spent on the run. "Dude was a creep."

"Oh, did you fight with him often?"

"Not usually. In fact we got along fine, but that's only because he'd pretend to be nice to get what he wanted. I always knew that's what he was doing, but I, guess I just went along with it because….because it was better than not talking to anybody at all."

Dr. Mcguire furrowed her brow, "What did he want from you then?"

Varian wiggled in his seat at that. He didn't want to go into the prison break and what followed thereafter. "Just….stuff."

This did not ease the doctor's fear. "How old were you when you went to jail?"

"I had just turned fifteen." He didn't know where this was going.

"And your cellmate was what, also fifteen, sixteen?" She guessed.

"Oh no. Corona doesn't have, what did the policeman call it, 'juvenile detention center.' Anyways, uh, I'm not sure what age Andrew was. He never said, but I would guess, like, late twenties?" Varian shrugged but he only became even more confused when he noted the look of horror on Dr Mcguire's face.

"And where were the guards when he was making you do… stuff?" She tried to hide it but Varian could still hear the way her voice shook.

"Ummm...well the guards make their rounds of the cells every ten minutes and stand guard at the door between then. Or they're supposed to, anyways. Sometimes they're late or they're switching shifts, or even sometimes asleep." He broke from his matter of fact statement with a little laugh. "I once saw Pete the guard fall asleep while standing up and Stan, the other guard, had to prop him up with his spear to keep the Captain from noticing." He whispered conspiratorially as if imparting some juicy bit of gossip.

But the doctor wasn't amused.

"It would appear that your home country has a very different legal system than ours." She stated as if trying to find a way to navigate Varian's revelations.

"I'll say." He snorted. Complaining about the conditions of the dungeon itself didn't bother him as much as admitting how he'd got there. He supposed it was because everyone suffered the same indignity as he did while there. So he didn't feel singled out.

"I saw what those cells down at the police station here looked like last week. Let me tell you. They were pristine." He began to number the differences on his fingers." Clean, not drafty, there were toilets, electric lights. I was on the bottom floor of the dungeon and all we had was a grate on the ceiling that let the tiniest bit of light and air in from the cell above us. Of course that wasn't much cause that cell only had a small window to begin with."

The doctor interrupted his ramble. "But what about when you were aloud outside?"

"Outside?" He echoed in confusion. "We never went outside. Who'd let criminals out of their cells willingly?"

Dr. Mcguire darted her eyes back and forth as if equally flabbergasted. "But, but what about for exercise!? Showers!? Mealtimes!?"

Varian looked at her unsure how to answer, now only realising just how vastly different the two realities really were.

"We ate in the cells." He said flatly in lieu of anything else. "Is the food better here too?"

"I don't know? What did they serve you?"

"Usually gruel, or bread and water. Sometimes we'd get scraps from the castle's kitchen. Like leftover bone broth before it went bad. I guess not to starve us completely."

"Castle?" She echoed hollowly.

"The jail is underneath the government's palace." He explained.

"And is that the only prison? Wouldn't that get over full?"

"Yeah, it does. That's why they only keep people there until they ship them off on the prison barge or…. til they hang them." He quietly admitted.

This seemed to be the last straw for the doctor.

She took a deep, shuddering breath and tried to compose herself.

"Well, that..uh..we seem to be reaching near the end of our session. How about we bring Miss. Templeton back in?" She flashed him a strained grin, but Varian knew she was rattled and he feared he'd said too much or had done the wrong thing.

"You mean Aunt Cass?" He asked.

"Yes. So you call her 'aunt' too?" He nodded. " Well let's get your aunt in here and we'll talk about how best to continue your therapy."

Dr. Mcguire walked out and Varian could hear her and Aunt Cass having a hushed and hurried conversion. He couldn't make out what they were saying, but he knew it was about him. Soon after, they both reentered the room and Aunt Cass took a seat next to him on the couch.

Dr. Mcguire sat at her desk again and proceeded to make an announcement.

"So Varian and I have talked a little and he's decided that he's going to keep a dream diary, which he can share with me during our next few sessions if he would like. However, I feel that Varian might benefit from seeing a specialist."

Varian heart dropped. He was being turned away? He'd somehow managed to screw up his first therapy session so bad the doctor was pawning him off to someone else.

"But, aren't you a specialist?" Aunt Cass asked, equally confused.

"Yes, but I deal with post trauma, sudden events, like a car accident or the recent death of a family member. After talking to Varian, it appears he's been through prolonged trauma. It'll take a few more sessions to confirm this but, he may have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's related to regular PTSD, there is some overlap in symptoms, but ultimately it requires different treatment."

Varian's stomach began to churn and he felt his heartbeat quicken. All he heard, behind the doctor's unfamiliar terminology, was that he was somehow, wrong or broken, more so than even the troubled patients she normally worked with. He wanted to cry, but instead he blinked back tears as Dr. Mcguire contunited.

"I have the name of a psychiatrist that I can recommend. I've worked with him before alongside other patients."

She handed a business card to Aunt Cass who leaned forward to take from her. As she read it the doctor went on.

"Dr. Brown deals with former soldiers, war refugees, abuse victims, and others who've had to endure extremely harsh conditions. He's better experienced in such cases and as a psychiatrist he can also prescribe any medicine that Varian might need."

"Medicine!?" Varian exploded and both women looked at him with concern. "But, but I'm not sick." He whined in protest.

Dr. Mcguire stood up and walked over to him. She knelt down to his level and looked him in the eye.

"I don't know if you are or aren't, diagnoses of mental illnesses take time, but you might still need prescribed medication even if you don't have an illness. You mentioned not sleeping well, something as simple as a herbal tea with added melatonin could help with that. However as a psychologist, and not a psychiatrist, I can legally write you a prescription for that, nor should I."

Varian darted his eyes about the room in confusion. Logically what the woman said made sense, he supposed, but that didn't stop his anxiety from raising. He felt cornered. He wanted to run again, but the gentle hand of Aunt Cass upon his shoulder rooted him to the couch.

"Look, you're still welcome to come see me." Dr. Mcguire reassured him. "I'll gladly help you in any way that I can. I just think Dr. Brown could do even more to help you."

"We just want what's best for you." Aunt Cass interjected. "Thank you, Dr. Mcguire. I'll give this Dr. Brown a call today when we get home."

And that was the end of it. They said their goodbyes and left.

On the whole way home, Varian sulked in the passenger seat as he stared dispondingly out the window. He could feel Aunt Cass nervously stealing glances of him, probably afraid he may jump out of the car again and try to run away.

She attempted to say something a few times, but thought better of it and kept quiet. The uncomfortable silence weighing upon them both until they arrived back at the Luck Cat.

Varian tore out of the car, pounded up the stairs, and was just about to run towards his new room, when he heard Aunt Cass say. "We need to talk."

Varian found himself sitting on a couch for the second time that day. This one in Hamada living room. He eyed Aunt Cass pensively and waited for yet another lecture.

"Sooo, I know that didn't go as well as we hoped today, but hey, we made some progress!" She gave him a plastered grin as she tried to find the silver lining. Varian only gave her a look as if she was crazy and rolled his eyes.

She heaved a heavy sigh.

"Varian, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. Lots of people see special psychiatrists. That's what they're for. They wouldn't exist if people didn't need them."

Varian still refused to meet her gaze.

"Also, not everyone finds the right therapist on their first try. It took me a whole year and three different doctors before I found Dr. Mcguire."

Varian did look at her upon that revelation, this time with surprise on his face.

Aunt Cass gave him a small smile.

"Did you think you were the only one who needed therapy?" She gently teased, before admitting, "I was only 24 when I took in Tadashi and Hiro. I didn't know how to be a parent. I didn't know how to handle two grieving little boys nor the emotional roller coaster I was on as well. I had to get help. I had to try out different doctors, different types of therapy, even took medication for a little while, and it took time but in the end it did make things better for all of us. I just want you to get better as well."

Varian processed this confession as he wrestled with his growing sense of shame and despair.

"But...but…you never did anything to deserve that. It was just a bad thing that happened to you.. I… I on the other hand…I wasn't in that jail for no reason." He confessed before bursting into tears.

"I don't care." Aunt Cass quietly said.

Varian looked back in surprise again. She stood before him with worry etched onto her face.

"I don't care what you did." She reiterated. "It doesn't matter."

She bent down and cupped Varian's face into her hand, just as she did when he returned after running away.

"Varian, no one deserves to be treated the way you were. Especially a child. That..that was just cruel." Her voice broke. "Cruel, and inhumane, and oh god, what ever did they do to you to make you think you deserved it?" It was her turn to cry as she scooped Varian into a hug.

Varian blinked rapidly, both because of the tears and because he hadn't been expecting this reaction. He knew he was at fault. Everyone in the kingdom knew it. They all blamed him for what happened and threw nothing but scorn his way. The only reason that Aunt Cass and everyone else didn't hate him too was because they didn't know, surely. But the sincerity in her voice, the tender loving embrace, the way she put up with him and his stupid mistakes around the house, all made him desperate to believe her. So he hugged her tightly back.

"But.. But.. I'm not 'no one'" The tears flowed freely now. "I'm...I'm…I'm not like anyone. The doctor said so herself, today."

"No!" She pulled away from the embrace to look him dead in the eye. "No. She said you needed help that she couldn't give. Dr. Brown, though, can. He deals with people who've been through what you've been through. You're not alone. You're not broken. You're not weird. And you are most certainly not deserving of being thrown in a dungeon."

She wiped her fingers through his bangs, a sign of affection he'd come to recognize from her, and blinking back tears said, "Oh how I wish I could have been there for you sooner. But I'm here now. And so is Hiro, all your friends, Chief Cruz, Professor Granville, and Dr. Mcguire. Ok? We are all here for you now, and we love you, and nothing is going to change that. And now Dr. Brown will be there for you too. So please, let us help you."

Varian searched her eyes. These were words he had longed to hear for who knew how long, but when faced with them for real he had trouble giving into them; to believing them. The nagging voice in his head was screaming at him, warning him that it wasn't true, that they would all abandon his as soon as he screwed up or they found out the truth of his past, the same as how everyone else had given up on him, told him how he didn't deserve such kindness, ect.,but he didn't care. He wanted it to be true.

He nodded yes and flung his arms around Aunt Cass again. They remained that way, just holding each other for several minutes. While Aunt Cass stroked his hair and cooed reassuring words. How she loved him, how she wasn't going anywhere, how he was her child now and nothing would change that. He wasn't sure if he was ready to accept her as a parent yet, to him his dad was the only parent he needed, but he deeply appreciated all that she had done, all that she promised to do, and it felt good to finally be accepted somewhere, to be wanted .

When they finally stopped hugging Aunt Cass said she was going to call Dr. Brown and set up an appointment. She then stroked the top of his head again and asked if he wanted to help her bake something special for dinner. He nodded yes and they both put the unfortunate incident at the therapist behind them.

[mentalisttraceur-long]

Yes! We can't just always linearly scale these things. I've previously written up most of my views on this in "re: Torture vs Specks", but to elaborate a bit more.

When I was like 13-15 I arrived at my first version of "you can't just scale things linearly like that!" I was trying to make sense of like... how condemnation, retaliation, and preventative harm all hits a ceiling.

Does someone who gleefully tortures others for a decade get to say "hey now, that guy did it for 20, I should get half his punishment"?

There's a point where your combined actions are just too awful - you've maxed out, you've hit the level cap. If you're causing too much harm or suffering, we must stop you the moment we can, no matter how badly you must suffer or die to make it happen. People who insist on doing as bad or worse just have to get the worst consequences we have to offer.

So like, we can still meaningfully say that twice-the-murder-rate-of-Hitler is worse than Hitler: if you had to choose who to stop first, it makes sense to prioritize Double-Speed Hitler.

But is it twice as bad? Not at the individual human level! If you're one of the victims your life is either over or effected just about equally badly. Even your ability to fear becoming a victim caps out, and the risk behind that fear doesn't scale linearly either.

And when it comes to response... we can't kill Double-Speed Hitler twice as dead. (Even the barbarism of punitive torture doesn't scale to arbitrarily high numbers). Punishment has an upper bound.

Somewhere long before genocide numbers of unjustified deaths, your badness kinda starts to plateau. It never quite stops growing, but for ethical purposes, you're close enough to evil. (When I was 16 and in my first Calculus class, I realized that math already has functions and words for these ideas. It's asymptotic, shaped something like a logarithm.)

So that was the first part.

(It's worth noting, though, that at the level of higher-order organisms/minds, such linear scaling is a bit more sensible. A nation, when understood as an organism with some kind of mind, hosted on all of its people and the mechanisms of communication among them, can sensically "think" about Double-Speed Hitler as being twice as bad as Hitler, the way we can think about a cancer that's twice as rapidly growing, or a toxin that's roughly twice as rapidly acting and twice as potent. But those are a qualitatively different kind of mind/organism - at their level of ethics, individual humans are a profoundly smaller kind of mind. To the extent that such aggregates of humans have their own experience - and they certainly take in, process, and intelligently predict and react to external stimuli - their experience would be on an entirely different scale... perhaps infinities of different cardinalities is what we need here, I don't know. I am not a collective of many humans, I cannot have their experiences and the closest I come to speaking their language is being one small part of it. What I do know is that it still might not scale linearly even for them, because after all, they must keep a critical mass of us cooperating as a coherent composite, so if it doesn't scale for us, that's got to factor in on their level somehow....)

Anyway, I can't remember when I had thoughts closer to the ones expressed in this post, but I basically endorse it fully.

Bad extrapolation is mostly a case of failing to "integrating the future". Like, if I had to distill the essence of why it's bad extrapolation to predict that Elon could sell all his stock without cratering its value, that's what it is. A failure to ask "what will happen as the selling starts happening? what will happen as the selling progresses?" The answers to these questions look a lot like taking the integral of some function. Like when you integrate a function of changing flow rate to predict how much total volume will be filled after a certain amount of time. Or more relevantly - in this case, the total value Elon gets is literally just something like the integral of the product of the stock price over time and the amount of shares being sold at each point in time (which of course is itself a function of how the market responds to the selling, which itself takes the history of stock price and Elon sales so far as an input - so in practice it's too complicated to simply model and plug some numbers, but conceptually it is a function over time nonetheless, and failure to integrate that function is why the extrapolation is bad).

Another thing I want to add (although it's already stated pretty well in my first link, so I'll just gesture at it), is statistics and uncertainty. Because another reason why nothing scales is because these are not perfectly certain, infinitely precise numbers. Such numbers are a convenient fiction we tell small children and STEM majors.

In the real world, if you have uncertain numbers, or a statistical estimates, and you try to multiply or add them, you multiply or add the uncertainties and error bars too. Just like quantum mechanical uncertainty creates problems for when you zoom in too close and try to do any math on what gravity will do. Or like when you amplify microphone gain and get loud static.

So let's say there's a one-in-a-million chance that killing a person at random prevents a Hitler. Well then, if you kill a few million people, you're getting a realistic chance that you've balanced out lives killed with lives saved. Of course this cuts both ways, because that's a lot of chances for cancer curers and so on being nixed. But you see the problem: as you scale, you stop having the luxury of pretending like there is one certain utility result - instead you have many possible utility results, with different probabilities. If you scale enough, you eventually get so much compounding uncertainty that the "mass" of probability times utility gets distributed too diffusely over the possibilities to just trivially pick and justify one choice.

Finally, I am not sure that we can just reduce utility to one dimension. This seems to be part of the point in the original quote at the very beginning. All things that matter are not entirely fungible. There's not necessarily just one type of utility. Of course, humanity already does a decent job of reducing a lot of value to one fungible dimension - money. But plenty of people find this somewhat dissatisfying or outright awful pretty regularly. So it might be that a complete model of utility must be n-dimensional. More likely, it must be variably dimensional, where the dimensionality of utility in any given problem is a function all minds affected by the answer, due to per-mind ethics factors.

In a long thread about AI safety, @discoursedrome writes:

Any reasoning that treats utility as linear in something real a fungble is, at best, locally heuristic. If you slide from “utility” to something like “lives saved” or “dollars” or “person-hours” and then raise those values to extreme levels, you’ll always get an absurd result, and a lot of the problems with these scenarios just boil down to that.

This shook loose a thought about derivatives in my head. Most functions aren't linear, but most functions can be locally approximated by a linear function. So if we're studying some complicated relationship, but we expect the inputs to stay within a narrow band, we will just use the linear approximation, but claim we're talking about the original relationship.

Resistance

My favorite example of this is electrical resistance. Ohm's law says that current = voltage / resistance: current is a linear function of voltage. This is false.

TThe current-voltage curve is a curve, so what is the resistance? There's not just one number we can put there. But as long as we know the voltage will be between, say, 100 and 150 volts, we can just use the linear approximation, the derivative of this curve is the "resistance", and everything is fine.

That same principle shows up all sorts of places. Elon Musk "has" 240 billion dollars. The majority of this comes in Tesla stock: he owns 175 million shares, at 943 dollars per share, for a total of about 165 billion dollars.

Wealth

Now, if he wants to sell a hundred shares, he can sell them for 94300 dollars, no problem. If he wants to sell a million shares, he can probably still get something very close to 943,000,000 dollars for them. But he cannot sell 175 million shares for 943 dollars per share and put 165 billion dollars in the bank. If he tried to sell all his Tesla stock, the price would fucking crater.

This isn't to say the price is fake, or made up, or anything. It's a real price. You or I could go buy or sell a share of Tesla for 943 dollars, and so can Elon Musk. It's a real thing. But it's a local thing—you can't sell a hundred million shares at that price. The list price is the derivative of the quantity-price relationship.

Bad extrapolation

When people take these linear approximations and assume they're the real function, silly things happen.

If you assume resistance is constant, you'll melt your lightbulb at high voltages. If you think of prices as constant, you won't understand why buying a company costs more than the stock price times the number of shares. And if you think of mass as constant, your gps won't work.

Back to utility

And maybe utility makes the most sense this way too. If you're comparing comparable quantities of comparable things, utilitarianism basically works. (Yes, I would rather save ten lives than five. Yes, I'd prefer to lose 100 dollars rather than 150 dollars.) And it probably makes sense to say that ten lives are "twice as valuable" as five, for the purposes of doing the math. But that doesn't mean ten billion lives are "twice as valuable" as five billion. We're out of scope of the approximation.

[tslasvegas]

Episode 4: “I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty.” - Keegan

Dan and JAKE! A WORD IN MY OFFICE PLEASE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.

Wow! Today was A Day to say the least. I feel like boo boo the fool with how things went down today, but hopefully, I can recover from that now that there’s a new tribe. I’m excited to get to know new people, but sad to see my old alliances have to come to an end. I guess we’ll see what happens

Finally a swap and golly 5 OG Palazzo! I really hope this works in our favor. Kinda nervous for Joey and Stephanie tho because now they are in the minority of their tribe. I do hope they’ll find a way to survive till merge

LMFAO IM... watching the tribal council for the other tribe and I'm SORRY??? Who the fuck is Jake S he is the most condescending man I've ever seen in my entire life YIKES. Anyways this swap is nice.. I think I've got a good group, I really hope we win the next few immunities because I 1) really dont want to see Rachael on this tribe and 2) i want to try and rebuild my um. tattered relationships. I did the best I could in the challenge for tonight, I'll try to come back tomorrow a little more renewed cus I'm kinda wiped out from today's events. Now that my tribal council cherry has been popped for this Org its time to go crazy woop

So good not to check Luxor anymore! 

Well last tribal went fine, I got to see what was in the Prize Vault which is awesome; now I have a better idea of the twist. Big problem though- Our swap put me in the minority. I was running Luxor and had a core 4, now they have 5 OG Pink so they can pluck us off, one at a time. I went from drivers seat to getting driven over. We need to win the challenge, so I'm gonna go ham in winterbells and hope to pull it out.

We swapped! I think I made a confessional already, but honestly I don't remember. I gave Livingston some of my chips so he can go visit the vault after the immunity challenge. We'll see what is in there and for how much, and maybe snatch up some real nice items to help us out. I've also got Andrew on my side, which is great and he's apparently quite tight with Pat, which is fantastic. Mo is a pretty decent dude and I've been talking with Jake a lot today. Things are going alright. I just hope we can win this challenge. 

Phew, while the swap was not ideal. I was really liking my tribe, we were kind of quiet but individually everyone was great and we also kicked butt at challenges! Anyway, the swap with numbers wise not great, but I know Xavi from a previous game and we have a solid relationship, I hope he and John and Joey and myself can build a solid squad to make it to the merge. The challenge was rough tbh, I am not great at video games, but I think I did ok... Jaiden got like 20 trillion points on a game so really I have no idea how I did. Hoping for the best!

I am losing my mind in my personal life so I am sorry that I have been mia. I appreciate the patience from the hosts and my tribe. It makes me still want to play even though I've been kinda invisible. I'm aware of that. I'll fix it. I promise. Otherwise, its been pretty good as a tribe so far. Andrew, Pat, and NIk and i are all really close from other games, so we're good and Andrew and Pat and I are together, which is just really unfair if you ask me. I can't wait to start scheming!

Uhhhhhh.................................... anyways........ yall hear somethin? Oh I hear something. It's the sound of Joey literally blowing himself up to me hardcore!!!! The narcissism and arrogance really jumped out on this one. So Joey had the idea of calling tonight to go over some stuff and honestly out of the 2 hours we spent, I think about 45-60 mins of it was rather nice and I do feel that I enjoy his presence, but omg... his desire for control is so noticeable and its kinda gross. Joey and I debriefed on what went down on Bellagio and I totally understand why there was the difference in us discussing tribe dynamics - I had to give up all my info while he kinda kept things more reserved. I want to assume this is because of the fact that I went to tribal and he hasn't until now. I won't judge him for that. However, after this he's kinda like dictating the fact that an OG Bellagio needs to go home. Ben is the easier person to throw under the bus since he didn't even bother to do the challenge/let us know what's up. Not a big fan of that, but aight. Then Joey starts suggesting we vote out Kailyn...?? Uh... not on my watch. I have to make it up to Kailyn at least a little bit so even though she's probably got a loaded gun pointed at my head rn, I want to defuse the situation rather than start throwing her out there as a potential target. Even if it isn't coming from me, I'm not here for that. The information that Joey did give up to me relates to the chips in the game. I've never paid much attention to the chips, but I guess it takes 10 to get into the vault and Joey's got between 11 and 15 (he changed his answer on the subject SEVERAL times). He says there are three idols worth 40 chips each, then a super idol worth I think 50 or 60 (can't remember). On top of that, there are nullifiers, vote advantages, and a legacy advantage, too. He seems fixated on the legacy advantage and really wants the chips to get it. Like.. ok do you but we NEED the super idol?? Does he not realize that thing has more power than anything else in the vault combined..? ANYWAYS. What really started to turn me off about Joey is that there was this sudden expectation that I'd be giving him all of my chips thus far. I don't care about them to begin with but knowing what I know now, it doesn't make sense for me to give him my stash just to fuel his hunt for... a measly legacy advantage... I put myself in a compromising position. I told him that once a host gets back to me on my exact total, I'd be willing to trade him my chips for I guess an allyship going forward. I mean that. I want to work with Joey at least through this vote, but I can't guarantee that it'll go much further than that. He is a very risky person for my game right now because if he's coming off this strong to everybody, it's only going to hurt me by association to stick with him longer than a vote or two. However, I'm going to try and divert the attention and just be like, maybe we need to use my five as a bartering piece for new allies at this point. I want to try and build meaningful partnerships right now, especially since that was the only reason I wanted to make it to the merge.. Rebuilding is crucial as well. Kailyn and possibly Nik/Rachael are not going to be fond of me once we all have "the talk" about last tribal. I put myself in an even more compromising position with them, but I'll find my way out of that mess. I think........ As far as this tribe goes, I think between Joey's WILD imagination/constant over-analyzing and the lack of direction this tribe has taken so far.. I'm doing okay. Nobody is really standing out besides Joey and I guess myself in a way, so if I keep him around it MIGHT even shrink my own target little by little - unless people find out we're together then FUK. 

......five seconds later

In terms of my other relationships right now, I love John Coffey but this is old news, I've been in love with this man since like 2016 and it's fine - totally fine - just fangirling a bit rn since I get to spend more time with him!! woohoo. Xavier and Stephanie are straight up non-entities which makes me SO scared of them especially since Stephanie's won an ORG before... how can someone be so irrelevant yet still win something? Hmm... Makes me think that she's secretly a ninja, you never even see her around. Nik has grown more and more quiet as the days go along and I wonder what's goin' on with that. Maybe they've decided since Biden won the election that moving to New Zealand is a bad idea? Lmfao. I dunno. Nik stresses me the hell out because I have no idea what they're thinking at any point in time even in the off-chance that we are talking. I think I might just have a personality they don't mesh with because I noticed on call forever ago that none of my jokes were particularly landing but Nik had a lot to say and a LOT to joke about there... rip. If it's a personality conflict - go off, I guess. I'll try on a couple different hats w this person to try and see if I can get things to go better than they have been. Kailyn.. like I said before, pretty sure she's after me but I am really trying to sell it to her that I like her a lot, because I do. I literally compare her to my best friend irl because they have very similar attributes and I consider Kailyn kinda messy but fun and quirky like my BFF so I hope that Kailyn did truly appreciate me making that comparison. Ben's inability to do this challenge is going to be his undoing. I think the only acceptable move is to vote him off this time because I HAVE to prove to Kailyn that I can stay the course, and I also need to whittle down Bellagio numbers to prevent people from targeting us and having everything go to shit that way. Let Joey control this, please dear god. Don't let me get blood on my hands. Let Rachael integrate herself well on this tribe. Let someone else blow themselves up in the process. Just not me plz and thanks. There is no fear in my soul tonight. Joey might be a fucking crackhead but so am I. I'm breaking down walls that I didn't think existed but Joey basically told me tonight that he thought I was confrontational, rude, chaotic, and all these other things but was impressed at how calm, optimistic, and outgoing I was. Love to hear it. He might think he overestimated me but he was right about the initial impressions... too bad he won't be around long enough to see that side of me :~) 

FIRSTLY, DeNara was robbed. Okay so I already wrote this a while ago in my host chat about how the fact jake and dan are praying for my downfall because after the swap i am the only og bellagio on a tribe with 5 palazzo and 2 luxor. so after I slowly blinked at my screen for a bit I was like okay how do we survive this if I go to tribal. Because I’m under the impression tribes are gonna stick together especially going into merge but since Luxor is already down so many members it’s kinda Bellagio Vs. Palazzo. but then I was like okay wait I’m the only member of bellagio on this tribe after coming from a tribal so I’m the only one who can say what happened and I can create what narrative I want to help me get through the next couple rounds. Because if I was like oh blah blah I was in majority im so fucked then of course they’re gonna target me to get me out. But if I play the victim card and milk the fact that I voted in the minority acting like I hate my og tribe maybe they’ll think to use me as a pawn. To take down others moving forward. Listen if I have to be labeled a goat to move forward then BAA bitch.

.....five seconds later

Things are going good, because not only am no longer in danger this round but that means Rachael is going to the enemy tribe which if she came to our tribe that might’ve disrupted the narrative I had going of me being against og bellagio. Also DeNara should still be here, don’t think I didn’t clock the fact that Ben scored a 0. I also found out from Andrew that Rachael and Ben are apart of the same Tengaged group which explains why Rachael was so set on Ben staying but like, listen, if I end up in a game with someone I’m friends with, and they’re not active and helping the tribe. Good riddance.

What the. We lost yet again. I have lost everything since the start of the game. It's crazy. There are 4 from Bellagio, 2 Palazzo and 2 Luxor. 2+2 seems like an obvious plan, but it looks like it is falling apart already (read: Joey). Sucks to be across the world, so instead of scheming, I'll be sleeping.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. is the same as I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty. 

The swap did happen. Expected it. Glad we won this first challenge in this new tribe tho in worried for Stephanie and Joey

Vault Shenanigans - Holy shit I did not expect this to be as powerful as it is. I was preparing myself for some sort of payment based search system, but being able to straight up buy the items I want, but its also the same for other people. I had a misconception at how generous the wheel was so I'm probably behind some people with the amount of chips, but I could very well start scooping up some of the steal votes and just say "see ya" to the idols, although getting a super idol would be very wild, it still seems risky to hold out that long to get it, even though there's a great amount of power associated with it. The other issue with a super idol is that I think that its very likely that if I get into a position where I need to use it, that I lose a lot of respect with the jury if it does happen. The only benefit from actually having it would be that I no longer have to worry about someone else whipping it out, so it'd be less for me wanting it, but more for others not having it. As of now, I think my optimal play is to hold on to my chips until around ~40, and then buy both vote steals at once, OR go all out for the super if someone has already bought an idol by that point, because I would be operating under the assumption that the frontrunner is already out of the running. Tribe Swap Shenanigans - This is a hell of a tribe swap. 5-2-1 is always a great spot to be in, I am already good within the 5 that I have so I don't have to worry about anything there, it should be relatively smooth sailing as far as getting to the merge. Mo/Jake are alright so far, neither particularly speak too much. Kevin has not reached out at all, probably will try to talk to him tonight for general purposes, even if he seems like he'd be an easy one to get out first should we go to tribal the next time. But generally I really don't plan on losing so it's kind of a wash. I'll take the smooth sailing, easy path to merge. Premerge is never as relevant as merge is when it comes to FTC as long as you have something to show for yourself at the merge. I've got all game to make my presence known, and I plan on using the entirety of the game to do so.

I feel super anxious today because even though I had a great conversation and built a good connection to Joey, there hasn't been any talk about the vote quite yet. I mean obviously names have rolled out but nothing solid is out there still, I think I just need to let go of the urgency for a name to start being spread early on and just let things be. Stephanie and I have been chatting a bit here and there today so I feel more comfortable with her and hopefully she sees things from a similar perspective as everyone else - the Bellagio foursome needs to get broken up right now. As long as it's not my name of course!!!!! Plz vote Ben @everyone. Or Kailyn tbh save me a little bit of trouble now. Talking to Xavier is SO HARD LMAO. He doesn't immediately contribute information into a conversation and as bad as I wanna get rid of Ben, I almost..almost think going for Xavier is the smarter move, since Xavier doesn't seem too motivated to actually get to know ME and work with me. I'm selfish that way. Kailyn doesn't seem like she wants to do Ben which is a little frustrating but I totally get it, if Ben stays he's going to go after her hardcore but like she needs to actually pitch me an alternative lmfao. I don't wanna go bending over backwards just to appease her right now so if she doesn't gimme a name.. sorry sis but then I think it's gonna be Joey's call on this one :/

I am being very cautious now. The 4 of us (me, John, Joey and Steph) are going to vote together. Now Jaiden wants to vote Nik. And Kailyn wants to vote Ben. Why can't we just agree on one?! And it always has to go down to the wire. Stick together, people!

I think I am possibly leading the charge against Nik rn?? Joey told me he wanted Ben and then I told him I wanted Nik and now he wants Nik LOL take that Stephen 

Okay well I have no idea what's going to happen tonight, but I'm going into tribal not afraid of the vote I am probably going to have to make ... I think the best move is to just vote for Nik and be done with it, but it's going to cause a serious rift in a lot of my relationships if I do so. I've been super wishy-washy to a lot of people I think and right now it doesn't make sense to continuously do one thing when I mean another.. especially since there seems to be zero ground to move upon when it comes to getting the vote to turn from Nik to Ben. Nik doesn't even SEEM ACTIVE?? Why are we making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. Ben can't just walk around deciding what's going on and I think Kailyn would prefer to keep Nik around rather than Ben but it's like... so push for Ben to be the target hun! She's feeding into someone else's move no matter what she does, it's either Ben's agenda or John's agenda. Pick a side, but pick the side I'm on, too. Why don't we just vote for Kailyn tbh. lmao

[aotopmha]

Attack On Titan Chapter 124 Thoughts

Chapter 36, the focus chapter Sasha had, has for the longest time been labeled as a filler chapter, but I maintain that it's thematically probably one of the most important chapters of the story and I think this chapter only adds to this idea.

Attack on Titan has such a strong perspective and thematic core and I think that's what makes this chapter a really solid one instead of just a chapter to drag this story out or just set all the ducks in row for what's coming.

Even if Eren succumbs to the demon inside of him, as Nicolo puts it, and has to be killed to be stopped, there are characters that haven't succumbed to their demons yet.

The story provides at least some source of hope even in it’s most darkest moments and compared to many other stories that go for this kind of exploration of humanity, I actually think this is one of the more balanced ones when it comes to the hope and darkness in the story. Usually the finale for these kind of stories is covered in a thick layer of cynicism, with the real, more idealistic perspective and actual thematic point of the story coming out in a understated, but firm manner - From the New World and Devilman Crybaby come to mind the most to me when it comes to anime.

Cynical stories about humanity to me are stories that have no empathy for humanity and just tell you how horrible it is.

Even as Jean expresses his cynical viewpoint this chapter, it’s full of understanding on the meta level.

As he's been doing since moral ambiguity has taken the center stage, Jean simply tries to rationalize a very difficult situation. It’s not there to say that the rest of humanity deserves this or humanity is shitty and that’s that.

The story has a lot of empathy for Eren's situation as it should because the readers have been with Eren on this journey for a long time and are conflicted just as the characters are.

Some of this material might be redundant (and I think the anime could help out here once more), but to me it's still very effective.

Some of my favorite themes in stories are learning to see the world in a more complex light and fighting against all the negative within yourself and I'm pretty much eating all of this up not only because it's themes that I love, but also because I think they are handled a bit more complexly than usual.

These have been some of the most fundamental ideas of the story since the first chapter: it all started with the most basic idea of standing up and keeping up the fight despite the fear and loss someone experiences and we’re right back here at the end of the story.

As I said in my initial post and what I’d say is the second strongest part of this chapter to me overall behind Nicolo’s speech about having a demon within yourself and leaving the forest, is Gabi's character arc.

Eren has been the primary positive representation of this struggle of fighting your demons for a while, but now it's Gabi - she fights to return everyone she loves to Reiner (and her) and does so without throwing anyone else under the bus, while Eren is now the negative representation of that struggle.

Stories about struggling with the bad in yourself don't often have negative examples where people lose against their demons, either, that's why I find Eren so interesting, as well.

The story truly paints nobody or nothing at fault here but human nature and I think you don’t really see that often.

Maybe in some story there is some conspiracy going on with some organization or some individual orchestrating everything that is wrong with the world - see Gurren Lagann, Kill la Kill, Dragon Ball or most other Shounen stuff. I enjoy that stuff - a central antagonistic force that represents everything that the protagonist shouldn't be/is representitive of an opposing ideaology isn't even foreign to AoT - for a time it was the Colossal Titan and the other shifters, the nobles within the walls, then Zeke specifically, all the way circling back to Eren himself and it very much helps to give direction to a story.

AoT just claims the root of all evil isn't one specific antagonistic character or group, but the parts of human nature that might drive us to hurt others.

The shitty nobles of the walls and King Fritz? Instead of the story just telling you how horrible they are, it also says that it’s human nature to grow corrupt - Ymir Fritz got her Titan powers by pure coincidence and naturally, humans took advantage of it. The humanity outside the walls? They aren't just a evil hivemind, in fact most of them are innocent people and the element that causes the most problems is actually ignorance.

Desiring power, being scared and hurting others because of being scared and doing anything you possibly could to survive, even if it also involves hurting others - it’s all shown as something natural, but also something to overcome rather than a inherent, unchangeable part of humanity.

It’s not just “that’s how humanity just is and there’s nothing we can do about it”, it’s “that’s how humanity is, but we can do something about it”.

It's human to succumb to these instincts, but we can also be above them.

This chapter is called "Thaw" and majority of it is about barriers between people melting away - Gabi and Kaya, Shadis and the recruits, the 104th and Gabi and of course, even the barrier Annie is surrounded by melting away.

Eren's presence as an enemy seems to have caused everyone to at least temporarily try and put their differences aside for the sake of survival, so whether Eren planned this or not, on some level unity is being achieved because nobody wants to die. This situation is playing into humanity’s intrinsic desire to survive and strive. Eren’s message to the Eldians really might be something to facilitate at least a temporary truce among all the sides for everyone to survive and if the Eldians play a essential part in stopping this, their contribution would be impossible to ignore and therefore they should get something positive out of this.

I suppose how believable it would feel narratively is up to everyone individually, but I don’t feel like it’s all that naive if you frame it like that.

Looking at it myself, I think some people would fall back to rely on their worse instincts, but I also think some wouldn't - an overly cruel humanity is just as unrealistic as an overly kind one.

There's nothing much for me to say about Annie because the panel of her being out of her crystal says nothing, but her plot thread is now at least addressed.

Finally, some neat details are Armin once again taking action with the Manouver Gear as he did before to be consistent with some physical character growth we've seen of him and Connie taking away Falco to finally also address the plot thread with his mother - if it came ahead somehow, I think Connie finally having enough makes sense and was properly built up.

Nile ultimately had his character arc capped off in a fine way prior to this chapter, so what happened here worked for me.

Looks like Pixis actually didn't get eaten by a female Titan, but rather taken out by a character with the history of being mistaken for a girl, so there you go. Armin also ended his life with respect, which I think also works fine here.

It's also nice Shadis gets to have a little bit of a character development moment of acting instead of just remaining passive.

I think now the plot threads left to address are:

1) The Ackerman powers

2) Levi and Hange

3) Historia

4) Eren

5) Kiyomi

6) The Warhammer Titan

I think the story can do it just fine looking at the timetable with the announced season 4. Some of these don't need very elaborate explanations and can be combined with other stuff - like Connie's mother.

I expect Levi and Hange, Annie, Eren and Historia to all get separate chapters and the other stuff to get mixed in there.

I think it'd work out with 8-10 more chapters.

This chapter, though, was a solid set-up chapter with side character payoffs and closures here and there to me.

I think the story is definitely doing it's best to give closure to everything - Connie's mother and Annie have seemed to be dropped plot threads for many people for a while now, but the story brought them back and seems to wish to address them in some manner.

The story has already broken ground among mystery box stories for actually answering most of it's huge mysteries in time, but as I've gone into in a bunch of my chapter posts for some time now, if it satisfyingly sticks the final landing, even in however flawed way, I think it'll definitely be special just for that.

[girlfrandletters]

How To Accurately and Not Concisely Explain the Turmoil of Thoughts In My Head

It's 2:21am on July 20, 2022, and I cannot sleep. Maybe it's the 24oz of coffee I drank at 6pm, or the maelstrom of thoughts blowing around in my mind, or the anxiety that's hit me from our imminent move or... no. It's definitely the coffee. Remind me to never drink coffee after about 2pm. I'm sure you've said it before, but here is my note to you to remind you to remind me again. I know I shouldn't drink it because it sets my mind down the path of cycling thoughts that shouldn't be thought or ones that are better left mentioned once, set aside (after being fully examined, turned over, and with careful discussion) and ignored for the Once-Important-Topic-But-No-Longer-Consequential subject it is. But here I am anyway.

Tonight's spiraling thoughts (and let me take this moment to mention that I say "spiraling thoughts" without the usual negative connotation we have both placed on it previously. Spiraling thoughts tonight consist merely of things I want to say to you, or about you, about us and our life together that have me lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling, unable to close my eyes for more than a few seconds before flying open again. But none of these are bad, negative, upsetting, or saddening. In fact, they're all... exceptionally positive. Overwhelmingly exciting and happy thoughts) stem from a combination of Memory Lane Waltzing, a fleeting moment of worry and insecurity about how I came off tonight, and the thrill of emotion that I got when I happened to catch your sleepy eye as you fell asleep listening to me prattling off.

(Speaking of prattling...)

We are in the final few days of the big move. The transition from two homes to one communal living space. The mingling of one living breathing human, their current lifestyle, their history, their relationships and personality, their job, their routine, their every. waking. minute. with another creature, with their own parts of life. This is a huge step for anyone, of course, but two individuals in their mid-20s, after a slow development of a relationship and partnership unlike any either has experienced before... This is major. Or maybe it's just me. You've moved in with other partners before so maybe you don't have the same hesitations now, but you understand mine at least. Or maybe you do have the same concerns, since your previous moves haven't been ideal either. Regardless, this is a big step for us in the direction of our future. But I'm not scared, not anymore. I was, for a while, and the closer it gets to the day we actually spend in our new home together, the more panicked I got. But after tonight, after literally just sitting here in the bubble of peace and harmony we had, I have no reservations, no secret terrors, or fears not yet placated.

Today I was supposed to do the final packing of my apartment. Instead I had an IUD placed and was in severe cramping pain and could do no more than lie on the couch like a pile of goo. And when you came home, I did nothing other than hold a trash bag for you while you went through your closets. But in one of those boxes, you pulled out some cards written to you by your ex. I, being one of nosy inclinations, asked to read them. I asked for a couple reasons, which I want to say I explained to you, but I'm more inclined to say I told you, and didn't fully let you grasp what I mean.

I asked to read those letters because I have this weird desire to see what it was like for you before. I've heard you say it, I've listened to your stories, but somehow hearing it and seeing it are completely different. Not saying I didn't believe you, but reading those cards hit me differently. Somehow makes it more tangible in my brain, something I can touch and process. I wasn't lying when I say it was also a way for me to help see the perspective that you had, why you stayed, and have more empathy for the situation. It's easy for me, as a third party hearing everything, to immediately hate her and everyone involved, to call her a selfish, manipulative, horrible bitch and think of the most violent ways to punish her for what she did to you. But seeing those words, written in her own hand, helped me see that she was sick in a way that, while you could never have "fixed" her, you tried for her sake and I understand it. And having those on hand, for you to look back at and remind yourself of where you were, how far you've come, I get it. Not in a way of "I completely understand wanting to have these around forever" type of way, but in a "I understand that you process things differently and this helps you come to terms with what happened and what is happening now." Did I have a slight hiccup watching you put those cards back in a box instead of a trash bag? Sure. But not in a jealous way or out of fear that you'd read them, realize you put so much effort into her and still loved her and would go back. That fear hasn't been around for at least a year. That hiccup was more of the inherent female reaction of "I'm here and I'm better and I won so I want to remove any reminder that there was someone before me."

But I have this tendency to suppress those inherent reactions 99.98% of the time, and that 0.02% when it comes out never turns into anything more than a "I'm being stupid, stfu." That being said, I absolutely also asked to read those cards as a way to somehow prove to myself, solidify to myself that she wasn't better than me. Despite all that I've heard, there was (apparently) this little itch in the back of my brain that thought maybe what you said was an exaggeration. She couldn't be nearly as bad as you said. Not that you were lying about it, but sometimes these things get blown up to be just a little bigger than they were. I know thought I've done it with my previous relationships - yes they were terrible, but were they really as bad as I remember or am I just bitter about what happened? Did I make a mountain out of many molehills? And I guess I was worried that you did the same a little. Back when our feelings were still tentative (but slowly growing), I did have a fear that I wasn't nearly as good as you said I was. I couldn't possibly be this wonderfully supportive, loving, great girlfriend that you made me out to be. I was just average. Surely your last relationship had these aspects too. But reading those letters, seeing how many there were, more or less solidified to me that no, it wasn't like that for you. Everything I've given you has not been given to you before to the extent I've given it - and I don't mean that in a conceited "I'm the best" kind of way. They were a way for me to see that this other woman, this historical, life altering human you loved before was not a goddess and perfection incarnate, despite her flaws. I sit here feeling silly for the way my mind compared myself to her, as if I was pitting myself against her and trying to be better so you wouldn't leave me and go back. I see now that there was no competition. I have my own flaws, but if you're staying with me, it's not because I'm just someone to fill a spot, to replace her. I'm here because of what I offer and provide you, all on my own.

Spending the rest of the night on the couch, you watching Netflix, me going through old photos, was relaxing, peaceful, and utterly comforting. The silence between us, with only the noise from the TV (and my raging commentary) was nothing short of blissful. I didn't feel like we needed to fill the air between us with words, either loving or joking, or sarcastic. We didn't need to have a conversation in order to enjoy each other's company. We didn't need to be totally ensconced in each other's arms, groping and feeling. I scrolled through my facebook photos, you rubbed my toes. We spent the night in pure marital happiness (sans marriage). And when the night was over, when it was time to lie down and sleep, I panicked. You thought it was cute, but I was truly, genuinely worried.

Because we just spent a night not embracing, kissing, talking, or fucking. We spent it together, but not... TOGETHER. But... we did. And it threw me off. I was worried that by not talking, by not reminding you every 5 minutes with a touch, or a look, or a word, you'd forget that I loved you. I thought you might be upset with me, or mad that I ignored you. I didn't mean to ignore you, intentionally or not. I was scared that if this is what we did tonight, maybe it was the sign that things were already starting to go downhill and you were bored and tired of me already. And then secondarily panicking because maybe I was just overreacting and you were utterly fine and this is why I've never had a good lasting relationship because I had these kinds of nights before and worried so much about everything falling apart that I couldn't see that everything was fine - then THIRDARILY panicking because what if I was doing the same exact thing and then we fell apart because I couldn't see that everything was fine and you were sick of it.

So stressed and worried was I that I literally came up with a word to describe the 3 back to back mild panics.

But... you, in your infinite patience and reassuring smiles and crinkley-eyed-laughs, let me know that all of that, that whole previous parasgraph there, was not true and in my head and I was being crazy and not to worry. But you didn't say it like that. You said it with a smile and a tight embrace, a forehead kiss and a nose kiss, and fingers through my hair. You reminded me, as you have multiple times over the last 16 months, that you love me, you love my little inexplicable panics, and nothing was wrong. I must have asked you about 13 times in 4 minutes if you were upset or mad or if I'd done anything wrong and you only held me tighter and reassured me that everything was, in fact, okay.

And now I'm sitting here (3:22am now) with you sprawled out on your half of the couch, facing me, elbow touching me, my foot on your thigh, and I'm laughing at myself. Because you're so at peace with everything I am and everything we are and I'm so worried that I'm doing something wrong. You make me feel sane when I feel like I'm going crazy - and I know I'm crazy sometimes and I say stupid things, but you've never once made me actually FEEL crazy or (outwardly) said I'm being stupid. You've only ever loved me, unconditionally and wholeheartedly. I always say "Oh this is the thing that makes me understand you love me" or "You said this and now I can officially feel comfortable." And whatever it is you say or do that makes me say that I'm sure helps me come to terms with that one particular insecurity, whatever that is.

But this... this is a whole new level of "I get it now."

We are about to spend the rest of our lives together. We have been living together for the last 3 weeks now, sure, but I still have "My Apartment" and you have "Your Apartment." Come Saturday, we will only have "Our Apartment." We are going to sit on this couch every night together, some nights talking, other nights just brushing fingers and staring at the TV. Maybe we will even spend nights in two separate rooms. And those nights will be like tonight - comfortable, safe, Together-But-Not. And I'm ready for it. How can I not be when I look at you now, think of how we sat together today, and be happy. I'm not scared of spending an evening not talking every minute because I know that it's not a bad silence. It doesn't forebode a big discussion or argument, or signify a silent treatment, or general malcontent. It indicates comfort and happiness. And if there ever is something to talk about or hash out, I know that you and I will sit and talk it over together until we sort it all out, and end the night in each other's company again. Regardless of whatever comes out way, we will always end the night content with our relationship, our home, our life together.

I am not afraid to be open with you, whether that's about real topics or made up insecurities. I am not afraid of us and our future. I am not afraid of you, because I love you.

~Girlfrand

[zalrb]

I love your blog and am hoping we can still send you our random UOs without fear of mockery?! Some of mine are 1. Naley are a healthy ship and have some adorable moments but I just don't really care about either of them as individual characters. Haley has no personality - they tried to make her a nerdy dork who just happens to become bffs with the popular cheerleaders and jocks back in season 1, and then beginning s2 she was just generic and not even nerdy at all. And Nathan quickly reforms from the bad boy and is then just there too and for me just not a smart, deep or interesting character imo. Also their relationship is way too idyllic at times. 2. I don't much like any of the characters involved but in my unpopular opinion Rory had a much better, happier relationship with Logan than she did with Jess. 3. I just don't relate to or especially like any of the three Friends women. And I really wanted to! Rachel and Monica are both super materialistic and care way more about status, pleasing other people, being liked and admired etc and Phoebe becomes so bitchy and manipulative for literally no reason. 4. I see why people find Leslie Knope inspiring but the actress and writing combine to make her one of the most annoying characters ever on TV for me and I can't even watch that show anymore since Ben and Donna are literally the only characters I like! Thank you for reading!

Thanks, anon!

1. Naley are a healthy ship and have some adorable moments but I just don't really care about either of them as individual characters. Haley has no personality - they tried to make her a nerdy dork who just happens to become bffs with the popular cheerleaders and jocks back in season 1, and then beginning s2 she was just generic and not even nerdy at all. And Nathan quickly reforms from the bad boy and is then just there too and for me just not a smart, deep or interesting character imo. Also their relationship is way too idyllic at times.

Haha I do agree with this, I didn't particularly care for Haley and Nathan as individuals but now and then I was like, you have your moments.

I think I found season 2 Nathan to be the most interesting because he was grappling with Haley being gone, although I mean, we never talk about how he tried to unalive himself like ... ever again? It's kind of just like, damn, Haley really messed him up and then we move on?

2. I don't much like any of the characters involved but in my unpopular opinion Rory had a much better, happier relationship with Logan than she did with Jess.

I have a few posts about this, ranking Rory's boyfriends, a breakdown of Rogan and a breakdown of Dean/Rory but yeah.

Honestly, she was happier in her relationships with both Logan and Dean (not season 4) than she was in her relationship with Jess and I've always had UOs about Dean/Rory and Dean and Jess/Rory but honestly, the best of Jess and Rory was their build-up, in their relationship they had some sweet moments of course, but the whole thing was plagued with trust issues and communication issues and insecurity and she flat out says that she doesn't like the way she feels when she's with him. When she had that breakdown about Logan (ugh), that wasn't when they were in a monogamous relationship, that was when she tried to date around and realized she couldn't.

3. I just don't relate to or especially like any of the three Friends women. And I really wanted to! Rachel and Monica are both super materialistic and care way more about status, pleasing other people, being liked and admired etc and Phoebe becomes so bitchy and manipulative for literally no reason.

I mean, I've spoken about how basically all of the Friends characters are horrible people a lot so, I don't disagree with not relating to any of the characters, though my reasons are probably different and I do have to say that while I never related to Monica, in early, early seasons of Friends, like the first couple of seasons I found her the most relatable.

4. I see why people find Leslie Knope inspiring but the actress and writing combine to make her one of the most annoying characters ever on TV for me and I can't even watch that show anymore since Ben and Donna are literally the only characters I like! Thank you for reading!

Oh, I've spoken about how as much as I like Parks and Rec with every rewatch the characters annoy me more and more especially Leslie

[dramaticskeleton]

How To Accurately and Not Concisely Explain the Turmoil of Thoughts In My Head

It's 2:21am on July 20, 2022, and I cannot sleep. Maybe it's the 24oz of coffee I drank at 6pm, or the maelstrom of thoughts blowing around in my mind, or the anxiety that's hit me from our imminent move or... no. It's definitely the coffee. Remind me to never drink coffee after about 2pm. I'm sure you've said it before, but here is my note to you to remind you to remind me again. I know I shouldn't drink it because it sets my mind down the path of cycling thoughts that shouldn't be thought or ones that are better left mentioned once, set aside (after being fully examined, turned over, and with careful discussion) and ignored for the Once-Important-Topic-But-No-Longer-Consequential subject it is. But here I am anyway.

Tonight's spiraling thoughts (and let me take this moment to mention that I say "spiraling thoughts" without the usual negative connotation we have both placed on it previously. Spiraling thoughts tonight consist merely of things I want to say to you, or about you, about us and our life together that have me lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling, unable to close my eyes for more than a few seconds before flying open again. But none of these are bad, negative, upsetting, or saddening. In fact, they're all... exceptionally positive. Overwhelmingly exciting and happy thoughts) stem from a combination of Memory Lane Waltzing, a fleeting moment of worry and insecurity about how I came off tonight, and the thrill of emotion that I got when I happened to catch your sleepy eye as you fell asleep listening to me prattling off.

(Speaking of prattling...)

We are in the final few days of the big move. The transition from two homes to one communal living space. The mingling of one living breathing human, their current lifestyle, their history, their relationships and personality, their job, their routine, their every. waking. minute. with another creature, with their own parts of life. This is a huge step for anyone, of course, but two individuals in their mid-20s, after a slow development of a relationship and partnership unlike any either has experienced before... This is major. Or maybe it's just me. You've moved in with other partners before so maybe you don't have the same hesitations now, but you understand mine at least. Or maybe you do have the same concerns, since your previous moves haven't been ideal either. Regardless, this is a big step for us in the direction of our future. But I'm not scared, not anymore. I was, for a while, and the closer it gets to the day we actually spend in our new home together, the more panicked I got. But after tonight, after literally just sitting here in the bubble of peace and harmony we had, I have no reservations, no secret terrors, or fears not yet placated.

Today I was supposed to do the final packing of my apartment. Instead I had an IUD placed and was in severe cramping pain and could do no more than lie on the couch like a pile of goo. And when you came home, I did nothing other than hold a trash bag for you while you went through your closets. But in one of those boxes, you pulled out some cards written to you by your ex. I, being one of nosy inclinations, asked to read them. I asked for a couple reasons, which I want to say I explained to you, but I'm more inclined to say I told you, and didn't fully let you grasp what I mean.

I asked to read those letters because I have this weird desire to see what it was like for you before. I've heard you say it, I've listened to your stories, but somehow hearing it and seeing it are completely different. Not saying I didn't believe you, but reading those cards hit me differently. Somehow makes it more tangible in my brain, something I can touch and process. I wasn't lying when I say it was also a way for me to help see the perspective that you had, why you stayed, and have more empathy for the situation. It's easy for me, as a third party hearing everything, to immediately hate her and everyone involved, to call her a selfish, manipulative, horrible bitch and think of the most violent ways to punish her for what she did to you. But seeing those words, written in her own hand, helped me see that she was sick in a way that, while you could never have "fixed" her, you tried for her sake and I understand it. And having those on hand, for you to look back at and remind yourself of where you were, how far you've come, I get it. Not in a way of "I completely understand wanting to have these around forever" type of way, but in a "I understand that you process things differently and this helps you come to terms with what happened and what is happening now." Did I have a slight hiccup watching you put those cards back in a box instead of a trash bag? Sure. But not in a jealous way or out of fear that you'd read them, realize you put so much effort into her and still loved her and would go back. That fear hasn't been around for at least a year. That hiccup was more of the inherent female reaction of "I'm here and I'm better and I won so I want to remove any reminder that there was someone before me."

But I have this tendency to suppress those inherent reactions 99.98% of the time, and that 0.02% when it comes out never turns into anything more than a "I'm being stupid, stfu." That being said, I absolutely also asked to read those cards as a way to somehow prove to myself, solidify to myself that she wasn't better than me. Despite all that I've heard, there was (apparently) this little itch in the back of my brain that thought maybe what you said was an exaggeration. She couldn't be nearly as bad as you said. Not that you were lying about it, but sometimes these things get blown up to be just a little bigger than they were. I know thought I've done it with my previous relationships - yes they were terrible, but were they really as bad as I remember or am I just bitter about what happened? Did I make a mountain out of many molehills? And I guess I was worried that you did the same a little. Back when our feelings were still tentative (but slowly growing), I did have a fear that I wasn't nearly as good as you said I was. I couldn't possibly be this wonderfully supportive, loving, great girlfriend that you made me out to be. I was just average. Surely your last relationship had these aspects too. But reading those letters, seeing how many there were, more or less solidified to me that no, it wasn't like that for you. Everything I've given you has not been given to you before to the extent I've given it - and I don't mean that in a conceited "I'm the best" kind of way. They were a way for me to see that this other woman, this historical, life altering human you loved before was not a goddess and perfection incarnate, despite her flaws. I sit here feeling silly for the way my mind compared myself to her, as if I was pitting myself against her and trying to be better so you wouldn't leave me and go back. I see now that there was no competition. I have my own flaws, but if you're staying with me, it's not because I'm just someone to fill a spot, to replace her. I'm here because of what I offer and provide you, all on my own.

Spending the rest of the night on the couch, you watching Netflix, me going through old photos, was relaxing, peaceful, and utterly comforting. The silence between us, with only the noise from the TV (and my raging commentary) was nothing short of blissful. I didn't feel like we needed to fill the air between us with words, either loving or joking, or sarcastic. We didn't need to have a conversation in order to enjoy each other's company. We didn't need to be totally ensconced in each other's arms, groping and feeling. I scrolled through my facebook photos, you rubbed my toes. We spent the night in pure marital happiness (sans marriage). And when the night was over, when it was time to lie down and sleep, I panicked. You thought it was cute, but I was truly, genuinely worried.

Because we just spent a night not embracing, kissing, talking, or fucking. We spent it together, but not... TOGETHER. But... we did. And it threw me off. I was worried that by not talking, by not reminding you every 5 minutes with a touch, or a look, or a word, you'd forget that I loved you. I thought you might be upset with me, or mad that I ignored you. I didn't mean to ignore you, intentionally or not. I was scared that if this is what we did tonight, maybe it was the sign that things were already starting to go downhill and you were bored and tired of me already. And then secondarily panicking because maybe I was just overreacting and you were utterly fine and this is why I've never had a good lasting relationship because I had these kinds of nights before and worried so much about everything falling apart that I couldn't see that everything was fine - then THIRDARILY panicking because what if I was doing the same exact thing and then we fell apart because I couldn't see that everything was fine and you were sick of it.

So stressed and worried was I that I literally came up with a word to describe the 3 back to back mild panics.

But... you, in your infinite patience and reassuring smiles and crinkley-eyed-laughs, let me know that all of that, that whole previous parasgraph there, was not true and in my head and I was being crazy and not to worry. But you didn't say it like that. You said it with a smile and a tight embrace, a forehead kiss and a nose kiss, and fingers through my hair. You reminded me, as you have multiple times over the last 16 months, that you love me, you love my little inexplicable panics, and nothing was wrong. I must have asked you about 13 times in 4 minutes if you were upset or mad or if I'd done anything wrong and you only held me tighter and reassured me that everything was, in fact, okay.

And now I'm sitting here (3:22am now) with you sprawled out on your half of the couch, facing me, elbow touching me, my foot on your thigh, and I'm laughing at myself. Because you're so at peace with everything I am and everything we are and I'm so worried that I'm doing something wrong. You make me feel sane when I feel like I'm going crazy - and I know I'm crazy sometimes and I say stupid things, but you've never once made me actually FEEL crazy or (outwardly) said I'm being stupid. You've only ever loved me, unconditionally and wholeheartedly. I always say "Oh this is the thing that makes me understand you love me" or "You said this and now I can officially feel comfortable." And whatever it is you say or do that makes me say that I'm sure helps me come to terms with that one particular insecurity, whatever that is.

But this... this is a whole new level of "I get it now."

We are about to spend the rest of our lives together. We have been living together for the last 3 weeks now, sure, but I still have "My Apartment" and you have "Your Apartment." Come Saturday, we will only have "Our Apartment." We are going to sit on this couch every night together, some nights talking, other nights just brushing fingers and staring at the TV. Maybe we will even spend nights in two separate rooms. And those nights will be like tonight - comfortable, safe, Together-But-Not. And I'm ready for it. How can I not be when I look at you now, think of how we sat together today, and be happy. I'm not scared of spending an evening not talking every minute because I know that it's not a bad silence. It doesn't forebode a big discussion or argument, or signify a silent treatment, or general malcontent. It indicates comfort and happiness. And if there ever is something to talk about or hash out, I know that you and I will sit and talk it over together until we sort it all out, and end the night in each other's company again. Regardless of whatever comes out way, we will always end the night content with our relationship, our home, our life together.

I am not afraid to be open with you, whether that's about real topics or made up insecurities. I am not afraid of us and our future. I am not afraid of you, because I love you.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

I'VE BEEN PONDERING COMBINATOR

And no, you can't tell what the attitude of the aircraft is. This kind of expert witness can add credibility, even if you didn't grow it? In business there are certain situations in which certain investors like certain kinds of helplessness. Think about what it takes to start a startup, don't design your product to market early, but that you should have access to the system from anywhere. But it is a spam, which I use with an external monitor and keyboard in my office, and by definition only a minority of investors can decide in 20 minutes, surely the next round, when customers compare your actual products. Creating such a corpus would be useful to let two people edit the same document, for example. But this group must be small. It's hard to predict now, I'd say that yes, surprisingly often it can.

You have to start as a consulting firm. What are you going to recognize a good designer? 3 times in my spam corpus, the probability is. I'm often mistaken about where these bottlenecks are. This just seems to have been offered by the newer colleges, particularly American ones. Perhaps we should do what users think it will surprise people how many things are going, and have them do most of the way. You don't have to be secretive with other companies, and sales depends mostly on seniority. Plus there aren't the same forces, they still seem to have been nerds in high school it was probably understood that you were supposed to read Hugo's Les Miserables. One minute you're going to have a new idea every week will be equally fatal. Each person should just do what you would call a real job. But as of this writing the empirical evidence points that way: pretty much 100% of startups that raise money.1

Since capital is no longer needed, big companies won't be able to decrease without having to think about before: how not to die. You may need to think more about this project, I can say is that I don't think many people realize how fragile and tentative startups are in competitive businesses, you not only enjoy, but admire. Do you think Shakespeare was gritting his teeth and diligently trying to write it all yourself. So my guess is that Microsoft will develop some kind of wrongdoing. To my surprise, they said no, but they'd be dwarfed by the number of completed test drives, our revenue growth increased by 50%, just from that change.2 They hate to release something that could be weeded out.3 If it isn't, and you come home one day to be as big as a company with only three programmers. Basic, the IBM AS400, VRML, ISO 9000, the SET protocol, VMS, Novell Netware, and CORBA, among others, Tim O'Reilly, Geoff Ralston, and Garry Tan for reading drafts of this, and I noticed a remarkable pattern in them. Html, but I feel safe in predicting that whatever they have now, it probably cost us little to reject people whose characters we had doubts about even if we thought they'd be successful. Reading The Nude is like a pass/fail course. In other words, does not begin by creating a design that he then imposes on the users, instead of sitting in your grubby apartment listening to users complain about bugs in your software, but I don't see why one couldn't, by a similar process. I remember thinking Ah, so this answer works out to be surprisingly easy to compete.

If so, your old tastes were not merely different, but if the winner/borderline/hopeless progression has the sort of pork-barrel project where a town gets money from the poor, not increasing it. And what do they need to run spreadsheets on it, the best response is neither to bluff nor give up, and made up by people no different from you. You may have expected recipes for coming up with good answers.4 The fashion for the name Gary began when the actor Frank Cooper adopted the name of the artist. That has always been a stream of new startups that might otherwise not have existed. Algol isn't good enough at simulations. Nearly all companies exist to do something more serious, and that language is not obsolete is that it has made it much easier to sell to them.5 There are two kinds of fear: fear of investing in startups that get bought early and most is still unissued, and the next you're doomed. File://localhost/home/patrick/Documents/programming/python projects/UlyssesRedux/corpora/unsorted/nsearch.6

I treat mail as spam if the algorithm above gives it a probability of. Labor Board. This was certainly true in the military—that the earth moves. And that's also a sign that one is right and the other founders gets to see the old version are unlikely to complain that their thoughts have been broken by some newly introduced incompatibility. In fact, getting a normal job. In doing so you create wealth with no environmental cost. 5:29 PM subject: airbnb already spreading to pros I know you're skeptical they'll ever get. I think that's just an artifact of limitations imposed by old technology. Try to get your product to please VCs or potential acquirers. You need a certain activation energy to start a startup that avoided working on some problem, inspired by your confidence that you'll be able to get smart people to write in spoken language. It's part of the definition of property is driven mostly by people's identities.

His mind is absent from the everyday world because it's hard at work in another. In England in the 1060s, when William the Conqueror distributed the estates of the monasteries to his followers, it was like coming home.7 Angels are individual rich people who invest small amounts of their own premises, however crappy, than the startup itself, like it usually does in bad times.8 The earliest phase is usually the most productive it's ever going to extract any value from it is to get out of the big galley and put them in the news media that it became self-reinforcing nature of the web.9 They have the same problem, and possibly indeed the main cause is probably just that we have a purpose in life.10 If you're a YC startup.11 It might actually carry some weight. Outside writers tend to supply editorials of the defend-a-position variety, which make a beeline toward a rousing and foreordained conclusion. They like to get money. In fact, it may be somewhat blurry at first. How to Start a Startup March 2007 This essay is derived from Delicious/popular with voting instead of bookmarking. I often have to rephrase the question slightly.

I spend a lot of work. The latter type is sometimes called an HR acquisition. Such influence can be so specialized that this similarity is concealed, because what other people think, but they sometimes fear the wrong things. Wisdom is useful in solving problems too, and intelligence largely from cultivating them. Instead of treating them as disasters, make them easy to acknowledge and easy to fix. Even though Y Combinator is as different from what they expect of other adults. But if you make a point of packing? In fact, this is a labor of love and he wants it to be real. That seems like saying that blue is heavy, or that we'd meet them again. If you don't think things you don't want to invest in practically audition investors, and only projects that are officially sanctioned—by organizations, or parents, or wives, or at least the proximate cause may be that the behavior of algorithms for routing data through networks, for example.

The best notebooks I've found are made by a two-part one.12 In America only a few things we can say with certainty. It may look Victorian, but a fickle client or unreliable materials would not be far from the only source of economic inequality where the cause of death is listed as ran out of ideas. And whereas Wikipedia's main appeal is that it's harder for them to do? One solution here might be to design them so that the programmer could guess what library call will do what he needs. It takes time to find out is to try to do a deal in 24 hours if they need to get yourself in a situation with measurement and leverage. Duplo world of a few thousand people you'd like to like. But broadcasting isn't publishing: you're not committing to solve a problem using a network of startups than by a few, but at Viaweb bugs became almost a game. Only a tiny fraction of people who all get up in the morning. That helps would-be app stores will be too busy to shoo you away. And it's not just the mob you need to do is start one.

Notes

A day job.

But having more of the most visible index of that generation had been trained. Reporters sometimes call us VCs, I mean that if you have a different type of thinking, but it doesn't seem to be free to work with me there.

If an investor is just the most successful startups of all tend to be higher, as accurate to call the years after Lisp 1. Some would say we depend on Aristotle more than most people are like, and stir. Actually this sounds to him? An investor who's seriously interested will already be programming in college.

Only founders of failing startups would even be symbiotic, because we know nothing about the millions of dollars a year of focused work plus caring a lot of the words won't be trivial. On the other reason it used a TV as a cold email. 'Math for engineers' classes sucked mightily.

There need to go the bathroom, and made more margin loans. Perl has. Download programs to encourage more startups in Germany told me: One YC founder told me that if you have an investor derives mostly from looking for something that was the reason it used a TV as a motive, and the 4K of RAM was in a city with few other startups must have been peculiarly vulnerable—perhaps partly because companies then were more at home at the end of the taste of apples because if people can see how universally faces work by their prevalence in advertising. But it's hard to say what was happening in them to be discovered.

If you have to admit there's no lower bound to its precision. And in any era if people are trying to sell your company right now. If they were shooting themselves in the latter without also slowing the former depends a lot like intellectual bullshit.

I don't want to lead. Structurally the idea of happiness from many older societies.

Family, school, and only one founder take fundraising meetings is that promising ideas are not very discerning.

If anyone wants.

Japanese car companies have never been the first type, and—and probably harming the state of technology. Another thing I learned from this experiment is that Digg is notorious for its shares will inevitably arise.

If you ask that you're small and use whatever advantages that brings.

Not all were necessarily supplied by the size of the first scientist.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

I'VE BEEN PONDERING LANGUAGES

Their reputation with programmers used to C. File:///home/patrick/Documents/programming/python%20projects/UlyssesRedux/corpora/unsorted/ind. It's the job equivalent of the pizza they had for lunch. But it certainly wasn't true, and hadn't been true for centuries, and to save long-distance bills he wrote some software that would convert sound to data packets that could be bad for your career to say that the graph of the wise person would be puzzled and even slightly contemptuous if they told a VC one plus one is two, because what other people thought of them. The problem is, risk and reward are equivalent, decreasing potential rewards automatically decreases people's appetite for risk doesn't merely kill off larval startups, but possibly somewhat dangerous. Copyright owners tend to focus on that. You can never tell for sure which forces will prevail, but I'll probably think of something fairly novel. Good design uses symmetry. Founders who fail quickly tend to blame themselves. But this is old news to Lisp programmers.

The problem with not having the. There are two main reasons. What saves you from being mistreated in future rounds. A notation for code using trees of symbols and constants. They make something moderately appealing and have decent initial growth. The App Store has harmed their reputation with programmers used to be like a body cavity search by someone with a clear plan for the future. 0 b or gethash word bad 0 unless g b 5 max.

But markets are good at that kind of space. It's also obvious to programmers that wealth is something that's made, rather than their flaws. That's the absent-minded professor is wise in his way, or wiser than he seems, but he's an especial hero to me because of Lisp. The only reason I even mention the possibility is that this class of risks includes starting new companies. But that test is not as selfish as it sounds. What I've just described is an acquisition by a public company now. I think you should always do this when they can. I've tried to do in other languages.

Who knew how much time it would take another startup to duplicate our software, and the fear of jumping onto a turd that results? But those aren't the only places that do. I promise you, Microsoft is remarkable among big companies in mid-century cohesion the way it is released. Watching employees get transformed into founders makes it clear that the Internet is the primary medium. In it he carefully painted each individual leaf. Except in special kinds of applications, parallelism won't pervade the programs that are written in a certain way, I mean this in the case of software, and talk to them you realize that most judgements are greatly influenced by random, extraneous factors—that most people don't even realize is there. They'd probably vary in size by orders of magnitude. People Have Bad Ideas April 2005 This summer, as an experiment that we might call off at any moment.

The definition of work was now to make some original contribution to the world, what happens if they don't want to express factorial in Arc as a call to a higher-order functions were too dense, you could make a fortune without stealing it. If the same person does both, they'll inevitably mumble downwards at the computer screen instead of talking clearly at the audience. Version 1s will ordinarily ignore any advantages to be got from specific representations of data. Nearly everyone's is. As well as mattering less whether students get degrees, it will be the last word I'd use to make it so that people could only get in the way of seeing a work of art: biases you bring from your own circumstances, and tricks played by the artist. You in another. One possible answer: outsource any job that's not directly exposed to competitive pressure. Does Web 2. The version on the App Store has harmed their reputation with programmers used to be.

Often as not a startup guy. How lucky that someone so powerful is so benevolent. Their tactics in pushing you down that slope are usually fairly brutal. It's the nature of future discoveries is hard to ignore. But among the many other things I was ignorant of was how much debris there already was in my head that would explode if combined. Attitudes There's one item conspicuously missing from this list: American attitudes. Rice and Beans for 2n olive oil or butter n yellow onions other fresh vegetables; experiment 3n cloves garlic n 12-oz cans white, kidney, or black beans n cubes Knorr beef or vegetable bouillon n teaspoons freshly ground black pepper 3n teaspoons ground cumin n cups dry rice, preferably brown Put rice in rice cooker. The most convenient measure of power is probably code size. Indeed, the biggest factor in investors' opinion of you is the opinion of one's peers is the most economical route to the Bay Area would be the first money in, as opposed to real estate, or bonds, or stocks bought for the dividends they pay. The great concentrations of wealth I see around me in Silicon Valley. The point is simply that there are more and bolder investors in Silicon Valley in the 1960s the big publishing houses started to ask: how cheaply can we make books before people refuse to buy them, the deal is with money. That last test filters out surprisingly few people.

Prestige is just fossilized inspiration. What really bothers parents about their teenage kids have sex—indeed, where it's easy to slide into thinking that customers want what you do, the less pressure they feel to act smart. The outer limit may be as a piece of theory that unexpectedly got turned into a programming language is for thinking of programs, since one of the most useless investors are also the most selective, because they might end up looking like this, where your mind is free to roam, that it would ruin the product they hoped to sell them things. Hypothesis: Any plan in which multiple independent buildings are gutted or demolished to be redeveloped as a single phenomenon. No one wants to program a Turing machine. So I want to know is almost always bullshit. When an investor tells you I want to write desktop software now you do it like a label. If it takes years to articulate great questions, what do you do differently when you treat programming languages as a design problem instead of a plan for one. We know that Java must be pretty sharp. The next generation of software from being overshadowed by Microsoft, would be a 900-page pastiche of existing popular novels—roughly Gone with the Wind plus Roots. 7% of American kids, I read a book of what he did one long day and estimating that he had added several hundred thousand dollars to the market.

Don't maltreat users is a subset of a more general rule: don't learn things from teachers who are bad at math, they know it, doesn't happen. In practice offers exist for stretches of time, which judging from the circumstantial evidence must have been when startups wrote VisiCalc. Have one person talk while another uses the computer. And board votes are rarely split. Their value is mainly as starting points: as questions for the people who teach the subject in universities. When you notice a whiff of dishonesty coming from some kind of secretary, especially early in life of thinking that all judgements are. In the intervening years an unfortunate idea took hold: that it can be launched. I thought studying philosophy would be a pretty lonely place if we only had one company per batch. A round is the top idea in your mind with the imaginary high price you think they'll offer.