#like i've expressed this before and it was like people were assuming i was ungrateful for their growth???

[uncanny-tranny]

It's always weird when people are like, "Oh, you being [x minority] made me stop hating/reconsider my bigotry toward [minority]!"

Not only is it weird from the standpoint of "wow, you hated me?" but it's weird to know that you displayed some type of behaviour that proved your humanity to them, and that if you stop displaying that behaviour for any reason, it's possible they'll just slide back into their hatred because they haven't fundamentally challenged why they hated you and your people.

It's fine to grow out of your bigotry, yes, but I'm completely understanding of people being weary of those who are so brazen about how much they hated people like you.

[thistherapylife]

I know your mother had untreated BPD & that for awhile you had trouble interacting with people with BPD as a result & it was something you were afraid you wouldn't be able to work with. I'm curious how you got past that. I'm very open about the fact that I have BPD but have found that a lot of people will assume things about me because of it and I've had a couple friendships fall apart because of friends whose parents had untreated BPD. It's frustrating and hurtful because I'm in treatment (z 1)

& dealing with my issues. I highly value self-improvement. I actually find that it seems like I’m working harder on myself than many of the people who are judging me for my disorder. I really believe that speaking openly about mental health is how we remove stigma in the long-run. But in the short-term, I’m finding that people aren’t giving me the benefit of the doubt & are assuming things about me that just aren’t true. I’m wondering how you got past that, so I could get some insight? Thanks!

Oh boy. First, I think it’s very admirable that you are seeking help. It’s hard! And a that’s a lot. 

Chances are you are not going to like my answer. Because you are asking about the personal, I’m asking in the personal. Not in the professional world. Clinically, I was afraid I’d have too much counter transference and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to  separate my personal experience from my professional self. My answer might be hard to read. It contains explicit descriptions of child abuse and suicidal ideation. Again this is the time to get off the ride if you you are in a place where negative experiences with someone with untreated BPD or child abuse. Chances are I’m going to get a lot of hate mail (note: I’ll just delete it) but I hope that this random response is helpful. It makes me nervous to share all of this. It’s not easy for me but I’m trying.

It wasn’t a while. It was decades. Literally, I’ve made this shift in last 3-4 years. It’s new. If someone in my social circle disclosed they had BPD before we come friends, I don’t know if I would stick around which is the exact issue you are dealing with. I would have to overcome a lot of my own responses and it’s a fuck ton of work for me. 

Would my mom have been abusive if she hadn’t had BPD? I can’t answer that. I don’t know. But I know the two are entwined for her. The abusive elements of my childhood that have stuck with me the longest are all around the more typical symptoms of  BPD (fear of abandonment, feelings of emptiness, extreme emotional swings, explosive anger, paranoia, suicidality). I can’t express how bad it was. I can’t express how hard it is was. I couldn’t have emotions or desires. I can’t get comfort or have needs. {Proofreading this made me realize I slipped tenses. I’m leaving it in. It’s hard to talk about it} I wished for death early and often because my life was so painful and frightening. I felt like my mom was going to die and that it was my fault. Why wouldn’t I believe my mom right?  Her attitude and her interactions with me meant that other abuse wasn’t uncovered for years because who could I tell? It was chaotic and terrifying. I’d take her when she was hit me any day over years of psychological abuse. She’s threaten suicide. She left me places as punishment. She drove away when I “didn’t listen.” She told me my chronic pain didn’t exist.

Literally, I remember having a panic attack when I was in elementary school because I couldn’t stop myself from crying on the way home from school because there was no way for me to know what would happen. Would my mom blame me? Try and kill herself? Comfort me only to use the information later against? I got blamed for freezing her out and told that I could “Make your own damn food. I should make you walk home. You don’t know how lucky you have it. You know what? DON’T EVER COME TO ME FOR ANYTHING EVER AGAIN. I can’t believe I have such an ungrateful daughter. What did I ever do to deserve this awful child? You’d be happy if I killed myself. I don’t want to hear your response - I know how you feel. Leave me alone. Go live with your father”  By the morning, she greeted me like nothing had happened. I was no more than 10.

This is the smallest snippet of the first 14 years of my life. When I am in a social setting and start experiencing any of these things, my instinct is to run for the hills because I got out. I’m not getting back in. It takes a lot to swallow those protective instincts and make a different choice in my personal life especially when I’ve worked so hard for those boundaries and have to do a lot of this stuff professionally. I’ve had a ton of therapy. I feel like I’m a pretty good person who had long lasting, nurturing and loving relationships in a lot of different areas. But getting here was so much fucking work thanks to my history. I spent the first year of my relationship terrified to tell my partner when I was really upset with them. It’s still hard. 

Off the top of my head, I have three friends with BPD, one I’ve known since I was 12, one I met two years ago and an online friend part of larger friend circle. I’m pretty close to the first (invites to the house, lunches, etc.) and the second is in between acquaintance and friend. Friend 1 is in recovery, Friend 2 is working on it (ish) and Friend 3 is at the earliest treatment stages. I still have very strong boundaries. I have to limit myself with anyone in my social circle who needs constant emotional or physical needs (obviously I’m not talking about recovering from a loss or a surgery or even a bad year for friends who have I been friends with for a long) because I can’t just give and give - Its work to maintain the close and loving friendships, the mentoring with young people I do, the other kids in my life, my partner AND still take care of myself. And I love my job you know? I have to have space for that and I don’t when I’m getting 3 am phone calls and texts. I don’t hate or judge the folks in those positions. I just can’t handle it in my personal life often. That is 100% on me NOT on them. None of the people mentioned above are abusive towards me. But sometimes I find myself very triggered and have to give myself space. I get that impulse that says that “this is dangerous and someone is trying to use you.” 

This is NOT to say that you, or anyone else, with BPD in treatment, don’t deserve lasting friendships. You do. You absolutely deserve supportive friends. And I bet your work your ever-loving bum off to make changes to your life. I bet you will find them. It just might not be with particular subset of people who have an untreated BPD parent. I can’t speak to anyone else’s experience of an untreated BPD mom - just me. But I can hypothesize that fear and history are a huge part of it. These prospective friends might not be in a place to hear that you are in a different place than their experience. They may be assuming that their historical experience is what will happen now and be afraid. It takes me a while to figure out and I’ve done a fuck ton of work. Everyone gets to make the choices that keep themselves safe. 

Please be gentle with yourself. Keep working, keep trying - you might want to explore some of the issues around the friendships and how to navigate that with your current therapist.