#like i’m a carlos fan as well but oh my god the opportunities these people jump on just to shit on checo omfg

[spiderbeam]

i can’t believe that people are already going around posting clips of checo getting off his car to check on carlos and going HE’S HITTING CARLOS talk about seeing what you wanna see oh my fucking god

[dizzyduck44]

All Is Not Well At Alpine

So I think it’s time we talk about the French Elephant in the paddock. Alpine/Renault

It can no longer be ignored. Something is terminally wrong at that team and has been for a while.

I’m old enough to remember the Renault team the first time round and their questionable antics, however either rightly or wrongly I have always laid the blame for that era at the feet of Flávio Briatore. However the writing has been on the wall since 2016 and finally we are out of excuses.

Let’s start with the revolving drivers. Palmer, then Sainz, then Hulkenberg, then Ricciardo, then Ocon, now Alonso and Piastri. If you have been a fan of any of those drivers you will probably feel that the team treated them poorly, threw them off at the first opportunity, or if a “better” option appeared. Netflix caught it perfectly, the toxic production line the team had going. And how many times have we excused them for it, “oh he’s under performing” “well of course you would take that driver if he became available”. It still breaks my heart thinking of Carlos being binned off and just looking broken having given up his Red Bull ties for Renault to be booted out a year later. They were literally playing God with people’s F1 career.

As an engine supplier. The split with Red Bull was messy and public. The signing of Daniel Ricciardo felt more like a middle finger to Christian Horner than actually looking to Daniel’s best interests. Isn’t that evident that after a single year, he was on his way out of there through choice? I remember Paul Di Resta saying in 2020, “when Daniel leaves the team I hope he tells you what he’s done for that team, because it’s unbelievable”. As far as I know, we never found out.

Then the partnership with McLaren. Everyone seems to place the switch to Mercedes engines with Seidl, but as I recall at the time, with McLaren beating them in the championship engines had started to be a little slow in delivery or mid season, amazingly, couldn’t be saved or fixed for the papaya team meaning grid penalties. Again we all smiled and chalked it up to gamesmanship.

To sabotage your competitors is one thing but then we discover that Esteban has mechanics he really doesn’t get along with. Now each to their own on Esteban as a character, I’m not going to tell you what to think*, but to sabotage your own driver in such a way. I can’t think of a single reason why you would do that.

Then 2021, the big money star driver is off to your rival and then out of nowhere bye bye Cyril. That was probably the first WTF are they playing at moment.

Let’s talk the young drivers academy. They had collected a wealth of young drivers into their academy to fight for an F1 seat. To date, have they placed any one other than Romain Grosjean? Zhou left and went to Alfa as there was no way in, Lundgaard went to Indy same reason, Piastri has walked away from them now. If you look at what happened with Max Fewtrell, what as an academy did they do to support their drivers following the death of Hubert? I think at this point the Alpine Academy is a failure and a huge waste of money. At least Red Bull and McLaren have their juniors and “finds” dominating the grid. Even Ferrari legitimately have placed 2 drivers. It kind of breaks my heart that is where Abi Pulling is, as I think she is young enough and talented enough to punch through, but sadly is at the wrong team.

Then we need to discuss Alain Prost. Not only to leave the team, but do so with such scathing criticism of the organisation. Alain is respected up and down the paddock and if there was any doubts left something was very wrong, this was the tipping point.

So then we arrive at what has transpired over the last two months. Alonso saying that the threat of Oscar taking his seat was constantly being used, Oscar believing there was no seat for him. I don’t think he’s even got to do the two FP1s he was promised.

Don’t get me wrong, I have never been Fernando’s biggest fan. The damage he did at McLaren in 2007 and then the unnecessary public outbursts during 2017 are still raw, but he is clearly one of the top 3 drivers in the sport at the moment with Lewis and Max. Charles, George, Lando they can’t cope with him yet. So why make him think his seat was ever in doubt? Open the cheque book and ask how much for how long. It’s not hard!

Then to allow Otmar to go out there (and I honestly believe he believed what the team told him) and belittle Oscar’s integrity, for us then to find out Alpine had no legally binding contract with Oscar at all, has to be the final nail in the coffin.

There are no more excuses. This is a team that has been free falling for a while. They treat everyone connected to them appallingly and when you step back and look at it, people have been fleeing that team for a number of years now. Including press officers!

As much as I want Gasly to get a real shot outside the Red Bull programme, if I were a fan of his I’d be screaming “no, don’t do it” every time a move to Alpine is mentioned. I really don’t want Daniel to go back there. The fact he paused for so long before saying yes he would go back speaks volumes.

I’m sorry Alpine. No more free passes, no more excuses. We see you for what you are.

*For the record, I personally have no issues whatsoever with Esteban.

[my-only-way-tocooperatewithlife]

One more drink II - Pierre Gasly series

Hi, thank you very much for the appreciation for the previous part. Hope you will like the following ones too. 😊 ♥

If something is written like this then it means that the conversation is on Hungarian.

Pairing: Pierre Gasly x fem!reader

warning: swearing, language, mention of depression, alcohol usage

¤ Masterlist ¤

--Previous part -- -- Next part --

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- Hungaroring, Budapest -

I still could not believe we have got an opportunity like that. I’m out in the Hungaroring on the weekend when they are having the F1 Hungarian Grand Prix.

Everything was pretty quickly sorted out, we have got a map with a red dot where our stand will stand. We drove there with our truck, packed out everything, built the stand and all we have had left to do was packing the beverages and food in the fridges and selves.

I was really excited, every part of me was buzzing, I was smiling the whole day. Even if I started to feel really exhausted because the preparing and everything took a lot out of me, but I did not care about it. It’s a exceptional experience, I can’t feel tired.

While I was filling up the fridges, I have put my Bluetooth speaker on the top of the counter and I was listening to my Spotify playlist. Sometimes I can get really lost in my thought and if I have music on, I can really get de attached from reality.

I did not even realised that I was most humming anymore to the songs, that I was fully singing and dancing behind the bar counter. I just realised it when a song ended and behind me I could hear someone started to clap. When I heard clapping behind me I froze down and blood ran out of my face. It was not like that my voice was terrible or anything because we used to have a band with my brothers and we played sometimes in our pub, the thing was that I have never been caught singing and dancing in an event just by myself. And I could not just blame that I was drunk on an event and that’s why. First because it was 9 in the morning and second because I was working there.

I slowly turned around to face the clapping and that’s when my blood turned absolutely cold. Behind the counter, on the side of the motorways there were three people, who were cheering for me. Not average person, maybe F1 fans who came earlier to the event so maybe they can catch their favourite driver, no. Three really famous, and well knows F1 drivers were standing on the other side of my counter smiling at me. It was Carlos Sainz, Charles Leclerc and Pierre Gasly.

My face got extremely hot and I bet I was red as a tomato, and all I could do was gasping and dumbly waving my hand to their way while trying to put a smile on my face and dumbly get a “hello” out for them

“Oh my god, I’m sorry I did not know that someone was here, and I totally lost track of everything and did not realise I was doing it obviously. “ I was rambling. “ Hope you enjoyed the show tho, and please come back in the afternoon for good beverage“ I was trying to force a sentence out of myself.

“Hey no worries it was really lovely to see that someone is having such a good time, and you have an incredible voice so we have to thank you for the little show” Charles was smiling at me while the other two was nodding while smiling at me too. I felt extremely awkward, I have never thought that I will meet the drivers in a situation like that. “Actually we have a little time right now, till we have to go for our meetings, can we sit down in here?” Carlos asked me while pointing at the barstools.

“Uhm, yea sure, but I’m still trying to set up the bar now so I don’t really have anything for you guys, except if you like warm bottled of water. “I smiled at them shyly, while trying to clean up the counter in front of me.

“No worries, we are the one who bother you, and we don’t need anything right now. We just want to hide a little bit from the media and other people. Race weekends are really hectic.” Charles stated while he was turning to face me on the barstool with a small smile on his face. I still felt like my whole face is red, and I tried to act calm, and not like someone who is freaking out inside because she has her favourites on her barstools.

“Oh, okay. Yea sure feel free to hide in here. “ I smiled at them while continuing the packing of the fridges.

“Are you working here alone?” Carlos asked.” Isn’t it a lot for you to keep everything under control on a busy weekend like this?”

“No, I work here with my brothers. We have a bar in the city and we do this stand also together, they are just gathering the other drinks we have ordered. “ I smiled at them while closing the fridge door.

“That’s cool, and is your bar looks like the same as is in here? “ Pierre asked while pointing at the decor behind me. We have put some of our used decor from the bar with the outline map of the tracks in F1, also with some pictures and fairy lights. I turned to look at the background and nodding while I turned back to face them with a smile. “ That’s really cool, I have never been to a bar like this before. And on that picture are those your brother? “ he pointed at a big framed picture on the shelf. It was a picture from when we got the keys for the bar we have. We were facing the camera hugging each other.

“Yea that’s us, when we opened the bar” I smiled and took the frame down and put it in front of them on the counter. Pointing at the people on the picture. “The huge dude, in the military suite is my oldest brother he is the Hungarian military, next to it with the fully tattooed with piercings guy who looks as a hipster a rockstar and a homeless had a child together that’s my other older brother and the one next to me, is my youngest one. Fun and easy to grow up with two really intimidating looking older brother. “ I giggled while saying it ironically

“Lovely family, so it is really a family business that’s really cool” Charles looked up at me and smiled while taking the picture out of my hand and observed it closely.

“ Hey sis, we said that we won’t let anyone to sit down until everything is packed out, right?” Ádám shouted to me on the way down the track while balancing two boxes with full of alcohol in his arms, behind him I could see my other brothers trying to catch up with him, but they were panting.

I looked at him with big eyes trying to make him to shut up, but he was not paying attention, nor like my other two siblings.

“Fuck, Ádám is crazy, listen, he packed up us with like ten kilograms of stuff and he made us rushing all the way here, and he was shouting at us that we were slow as a grandma“ Peti was panting while putting everything down next to the counter. My younger brother arrived the same way as Peti, painting and sweating and he put both of his hands on his knee.

“ I said that this whole thing with the military went into his head. Man, we are not even on the training” Erik said while he tried to catch his breath.

I was looking at them angrily while the drivers were looking surprised at my three siblings.

“Guys, we have company so please gather all those stuff and put them into the fridge while you keep the talking and the shouting to the minimum” I told them, while trying to nod with my head to the way of the drivers so my brothers my get the idea why I’m acting like this. My oldest brother whipped his head around and saw who we have company and hit the back of the head both of my other brothers to get themselves together. They yelped due to the pain and started to rub their necks while looking up, and when they realised who sit on the barstools they have put a dumb smile on their faces.

“Hey guys! It’s lovely to see you in here, sorry for those two idiots” Ádám smiled and waved his hand and tried to push his two other brothers behind the counter so they won’t stand there awkwardly smiling.

“Don’t worry about it, everything is perfect but we actually have to go, our meetings will start soon. But we will definitely come back to you guys later.” Carlos started to gather his things and he stood up with the other drivers, while he was waving to us.

I said bye to them and waved, I waited till they disappeared at the corner when I turned around and grab one of the beer bottles openers and I throw at the three men. “ Hope to God that they will come back and that you have not fucked up this for us!” I pointed my finger at them

“ Come on, they will come back. They sat down even if they were witnesses of your little show. We saw it on the cameras on our phone.” Peti was laughing at me and started to pack the bottles away.

————————————————

Even if it was just free practice day it was fully packed. When we finally wrapped and cleaned everything up we were exhausted. Everything was new for us we have never done an event like this. So when qualification day’s morning came I was trying to have all my energy with me so I can do my best on the whole day. I was walking down between the motor homes while I was scrolling through my phone, when I heard someone called my name. I looked up from my phone and I saw Carlos standing next to his motorhome door waving at me.

“ Good morning!” I waved back at him with a smile.

“Morning! How was yesterday? As I could see you guys were pretty packed when I left in the night. Hope you guys have somethings left for us too, because we will pay you guys a visit on a Sunday night before the summer vacation begins” he winked at me

“Yea, we have had a really great night thankfully. It would be my pleasure to have you guys and I will definitely hide some of the stuff so you can try everything you want.” I giggled.

“Good, I will come down later to you with other guys for showing them how cool the design is.” He winked and he started to back up to the door of his motorhome

“Please, the more the mayor, good luck with today’s qualification!” I waved at him and started to walk again down to our stand.

A few hours have passed today was not that busy due to that the weather was not the best, it was raining and it was much colder than it was in the past few days before.

“Hey, Gina, one of the motorhomes asked for one of our wine selections list, can you please bring it to them?” My oldest brother puts the menu in my hand, and rushing off.

“Do you know which motorhome asked for it?” I looked confused at him, while turning around seeing him packing everything around.

“It might be the Mercedes one, I don’t know for sure, best thing would be if you would leave a menu at every motorhome so we might get a chance for free advertisement from them.” He winked at me. And turned back to start packing again the bottles in the fridge.

I put on my raincoat and put the hood on my head, so I won’t get soaking wet while I started to walk down on the way to the paddocks. I have had no idea where to find the Mercedes’s office so I was just walking around, I was definitely lost.

“Do you need some help?” I heard behind me a thick French accent which startled me a little. I turned around and I saw a cheeky smiled Pierre behind me.

“Hi Pierre. Uh, yea I might. I have to bring a menu to the Mercedes’s home but I have no idea where to find them. Can you please help me?” I looked at him awkwardly smiling

“For sure, I was actually on my way to see Charles, and his paddock is next to the Mercedes one, so let’s walk there together.” He smiled warmly at me while putting his arms out showing me the way to go. “Have you ever been out to a race?

“No sadly never, the tickets are extremely expensive and as a university student who worked two different part time jobs so I can fill up my car with gas, and pay for my flat. I haven’t had any leftover money for race tickets.” I smiled at him while fidgeting with the corner of the menu

“Yes, I know it’s an expensive one. We would love to change the prices but it’s really out of our reach. But two part time jobs? Wow that’s hard. What were you studying?” He seemed pretty interested in our conversation.

“I was studying international relationships. And yes, I needed two jobs. That's how I started to work at a bar.” I smiled at him “But I’m extremely thankful that we could have this opportunity and I can finally be here. Hopefully ones the qualification starts I can go close to the track and I can watch you guys.” I smiled at him while we reached the Mercedes’s office.

“If you want you can come and sit at the Alpha Tauri garage, I can give you a paddock pass, so you can watch everything from really close side” he smiled at me. God he has such a beautiful smile, and he seemed pretty happy because his eyes were smiling too.

“Uh yes sure, I have to see because if I need to help the others sadly it’s not an opportunity.”

“No problem, I can understand, but still it’s an open opportunity for you. And if you can’t do it, I can still visit you at the bar later on. And I can try all those wines and things that are on and off from the menu also.” He winked at me, and took one of the cards out of my hand, while starting to back up to the Ferrari’s office. “See you later Gina!” He smiled mischievously at me. I was totally shocked and I felt blushing.

“See you Pierre!” I waved back at him and I started to walk into the Mercedes’s office door.

——————————-

After free practice went down, fans started to leave, the paddock started to get a little bit less crowded. Sun was settling and the weather got a little bit better, it was sunny and started to be a bit warmer. I turned on the fairy lights and the other neon signs around the bar. I was putting some wine glasses into the small dishwasher, when Charles and Carlos sat down on the barstools.

“Hey boys, what would you like to have? I finally have some water which is not warm as yesterday.” I smiled at them while I patted my hand dry in my apron.

“Hey, Pierre actually showed us one of your menu cards and we have seen something good on it. We usually never drink on race weekends, but after today’s qualification we really need something. And the others will come also, so get prepared.” Charles smiled at me while pointing on the menu on one of the wines. I smiled and nodded while I started to put down two wine glasses in front of them, and started to open the asked wine bottle.

“Good choice, it’s a really nice dry red wine.” I started to pour the red liquid into the glasses for them.

“What’s your favourite?” Carlos asked while sniffing the wine in the glass.

“ I like this type but I’m more like a dry white wine type of one.” I smiled at them while pointing on my favourite ones on the menu for them to see.

“So are you gonna have one drink with us?” Pierre asked while sat down next to the two Ferrari drivers. Other drivers have arrived too, now I have had half of the grid at our bar. We have had Daniel, Mick, George, Lando, all of them sat down on the stools.

“I would love to but I have to be your waitress now, so it’s not an option” I giggled at them, and asking about what they would like to have. They were really nice, first I felt really stiff and awkward. I was really nervous but it quickly faded away when they started to joke around with each other, and they even included me into the conversation asking questions about me and my life.

“What a shame then I have to come back tomorrow so we can have that drink.” He winked at me looking up from his glass while having a cheeky smile plastered on his face. I felt my face heating up, and I looked down on my hand started to fidget with my apron.

[darlingpetao3]

Thank You For Ruining My Life: An Homage to Tom Cavanagh

“You’ve ruined all my future expectations of men.”

The costume-clad woman had the courage of steel to say this to the then 53-year-old actor, Tom Cavanagh of The Flash, in front of a ballroom filled with a couple hundred people. This brave utterance was spoken during the 2016 Fan Expo Vancouver convention during a Flash question and answer period with actors Tom Cavanagh and Candice Patton. In its third season, the show was undoubtedly still hitting its stride in popularity, and the room was packed to hear these two speak.

The brave woman whose turn it was at the microphone was referring to Tom’s role as Ed Stevens on the NBC 2000 hit, Ed. I had not known of this show previously, but having now heard such a proclamation intrigued me. “You’ve ruined all my future expectations of men.” That was a tempting notion, and as I continued to listen to this disarmingly charming and wittingly funny man steal the stage, Tom intrigued me even more. I’d watched him play three different versions of Harrison Wells on The Flash since the show’s premiere date, yet I hadn’t truly noticed him in a “life-ruining” way before.

Little did I know that Tom Cavanagh would not only eventually ruin my expectations for men as well, but he would change my life in other ways, too.

After the Q&A, I had this urge to buy a S.T.A.R. Labs T-shirt from one of the vendors at the convention. In my head, I thought I would purchase something so that I could have an excuse to talk to Mr. Cavanagh at his signing booth. Again, he intrigued me, and I wanted to experience more of his incredibly likeable personality. So, I dragged my friend with me to wait for what was maybe ten minutes in a queue. Shortly, I was paying the assistant for my autograph I would soon acquire. They wrote my name on a sticky note so that Tom would know how to sign a personalized message to me. And then, it was my turn.

His eyes sparkled when he turned his attention to me. I instantly had a feeling this was just the way he was naturally. Oh yeah, and I swear to God I’d never seen eyes that blue in my entire life. It genuinely stunned me.

“Hi!” he greeted me.

“Hi!” I responded, equally as thrilled. Tom admired the T-shirt I had brought and took note of my name on the piece of paper. I remember us joking together about the extremely lax security in and around S.T.A.R. Labs on the show, which prompted his message to me on the heather-grey cotton. He wrote my name, [followed by a heart!] and a very welcoming, ‘Come on by, just walk right in!’

I had official clearance from Harrison Wells himself.

I thanked him very much, leaving with my treasure folded over my arms. My friend and I walked towards the hall’s exit, and I couldn’t shake this feeling inside me. It felt strange—I couldn’t name it for the life of me. It felt like an odd fluttering with a simultaneous yet contradictory slightness of breath. My head was confused and would continue to be so for the rest of that weekend.

As I waited at my gate in the airport on that Sunday evening to head home, all I knew was that the moments at the con featuring Tom were the highlights of the weekend for me.

And that I was going to begin watching more of the other films and television shows he’d been in. What was the show the brave cosplaying woman had said ruined her expectations of men? Oh yeah, Ed.

Maybe I’ll start there…

***

Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad…

In my house, it’s never really Christmastime until Michael Bublé croons through the speakers of the wooden stereo system in the living room. It felt especially festive as it was now Christmas Eve—a month and some change since the con. It was late, possibly ten o’clock. I was lying on the floor in front of the Christmas tree with my trusty laptop, a word document open. I was writing three holiday-song short stories featuring the new muse in my life, Harrison Wells. I wanted to be able to post them the next day, so my fingers were taptaptapping away.

I had written a handful of things before 2017, most of which had been Marvel-related, under my second, ‘rebirth’ pen name online. I was a little fish among all the grand and fabulous writers on Archive of Our Own, and in many ways, I still feel like that little fish. I was only just learning and feeling out the psyche of the Wells characters. Each one is so different. In my rewatch of the previous seasons of The Flash, I’d taken diligent notes, and as I’d later learn with each following rewatch, I would know them all—what they think, how they talk and behave—like the back of my hand. It was fun to suss out these guys, and I found that I was growing to love the act of writing even more.

One month later, in January, I would post all the stories I’d written thus far on Tumblr. I’d just created an account and, who knows? Maybe I’d get a wider range of readers on here, too.

Might as well give it a shot, right?

***

Wild horses couldn’t keep me from attending Fan Expo Vancouver 2017, especially when the big news dropped. Not only would Tom Cavanagh be attending again, but so would Carlos Valdes, Danielle Panabaker, Candice Patton, and the convention-elusive star of the show himself, Grant Gustin.

Before the moderator for the Flash cast’s Q&A panel could utter the final thanks to the actors at the end of the session, I bounded from my seat and sped down to the photo op booth where the cast would be taking “Team Up” photos with fans. ‘Sped down’ has to be the most appropriate couple of words because I indeed felt like a true Speedster dressed head to toe as the small screen’s adaptation of Jesse Quick, the angsty and brilliant daughter to Harrison Wells turned superhero.

After waiting in a queue that felt like ages, I was next to stand with Team Flash. As I took a step forward, all of the actors’ and actresses’ eyes—the people I spend time with every Tuesday evening—were on me. I heard a familiar voice approve of my costume. It was Danielle.

“Tremendous.”

Grant even joked that he thought for a second Violett Beane, the actress who plays Jesse Quick, had shown up to surprise them. “I was like, what’s Violett doing here?” he said.

I stood in the back row, happily sandwiched between Tom and Carlos. I dared to let my hands rest on their backs, and I couldn’t contain my joy. Shortly after, when I received my near-instant physical photograph of the moment, I saw Tom had pointed at me. In my mind, it felt as if in his gesture, he meant, hey, look at this cool person. Haha. I couldn’t be further from it.

I would go on to further be uncool in public as I later found myself virtually shaking and almost hyperventilating in line for a one-on-one photo op with Tom. The guy dressed as Kid Flash behind me gave me a few encouragements of the “it’ll be okay” variety. As my turn finally arrived, the lovely man of the hour greeted me with a bright smile in recognition of my Reverse Flash T-shirt (I had done a quick change before this photo op because I had worn a Flash T-shirt for a photo with Grant).

“Great shirt!”

The internet comes up with many hilarious and fitting words, but none such so than the term “Cavanarms.” One of the said Cavanarms found its way around my shoulder in such a casual way. My hand rested on his back, and I have told anyone who will listen about how soft his sweater was. What was approximately a five-second interaction will stay with me forever. And to this day, I will always regret how I’m standing beside him in the picture—there’s a distinguishable gap between us. I could have been closer—should have been!—but I like to use the fact that I felt as if I’d combust into flames if I were any closer to the man.

Maybe I’d have another chance to combust later again that day because, believe it or not, this fan hadn’t had enough of seeing Mr. Cavanagh in person. And since he was appearing at the con for this day only, there was no way I was going to squander any opportunities. Besides, there was still one final thing left on my convention docket: the autograph. In my mind, going to get his autograph was an excuse to get to talk to him and simply be in his presence for longer than five seconds. Here, take my money. I’m a sucker, and I’m proud of it. I saved all year for this kind of thing, and Fan Expo has always been my ultimate nerdy Treat Yoself Day.

Plus, this year I came equipped with a question for Tom (something for which I may have prepared a little too far in advance).

“Which of your characters would win in a lawyering battle: Ed or Miles?”

Miles was Tom’s latest character from his newly released project Darrow & Darrow, a fellow lawyer as Ed Stevens (remember, the man who ruins women’s expectations of men?), whom he portrayed almost two decades prior. What I loved about Tom when I got to ask him this was that he was silent for a moment following the question. He was genuinely putting thought into my question. As he pondered, Tom continued to autograph the photo of us together taken mere hours ago.

“Ed. He would wipe the floor with that other guy. Like, Miles is great, but Ed has a rapier-sharp mind, you know?”

I wholeheartedly agreed with his answer and felt relieved inside for some reason. We thanked each other (as politely as two Canadians can) before I left him to pay attention to the next lucky soul in line. I made the mistake of casting my eyes downward at the signed photo.

Tom had signed two little hearts over the I’s in my name. He really needed to stop adding hearts to my things, or I was just going to melt to the floor. In fact, I started to make these strange noises as I tried not to completely maul everyone in front of me while exiting. My friend ushered me as fast as physically possible on our way out of the main hall. One man took one look at me and asked, “Are you okay?”

No.

“Yep!”

The second I made it out of the herd, I broke out into open space. First came the minor hyperventilating. Then came the squealing followed by laughter. Top it off with various fangirlish comments of, “He’s so beautiful!”, “His eyes are so blue!” and “I love him!” and I was probably quite the sight to see (but at a convention, that’s considered normal!). My friend smiled on as she let me express everything that I had to keep inside until I had the right time to expel my emotions. I was on cloud nine. Ten, if at all possible.

The next day would be the con’s final day, which I would attend alone. My friend needed to catch the ferry in order to prepare for her courses the day after. I did a scan of the convention hall one final time in case there was something I missed purchasing. Afterwards, I sat on the cold hard flooring of the convention centre hallway for a bit of a break. I was wiped out. With my phone in hand, I smiled at the messages from this one Tumblr blogger who had been following my posted adventures at the con. I had seen and replied to many of her comments on my stories I’d written thus far, and I enjoyed her matching enthusiasm for Tom and The Flash in general. I felt her to be a kindred spirit. I had no idea then that I was chatting with one of my future best friends, L.

***

I spotted her.

She was wearing an identical shirt to the one I had on—a light grey T-shirt with a sequinned Spider-Man mask in the corner, which around it read, We met on the Web. A giddy me couldn’t wait for the short escalator ride to end. Her back was to me and facing the baggage claim, so here was my chance to surprise her instead.

I towered over my friend, E, and donned a low, authoritative voice.

“Excuse me, Miss, can you come with me?”

She squealed a greeting to me and I returned it as we hugged for the very first time after two and a half years of online friendship. We would still have about two hours to kill until our mutual Tumblr best friend, L, touched down at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport from across the Pond.

Something I noticed was that E and I carried on talking during our wait like it was second nature, that we hung out like this all the time. Whereas when I met L in person for the first time the year previously, our first meeting was that of quiet, delighted shock, unknowing how to react to one another’s physical presence. It almost felt like a fantasy. The closest thing we’d ever gotten to this was visiting over video chats! I’m not sure what each of these different reactions in these separate meetings meant, but what I do know is that I’ve never had such strong female friendships such as these—so full of uplifting support and love for one another. They are the greatest ladies I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.

And as a searching L eventually turned the corner to meet us in the Arrivals terminal, I caught sight of her Tom & Grant bandana tied around the handle to her carry-on bag. It was an item she had received in return for helping fund the short film produced in 2018 (I’d bought the ringtone). Seeing the accessory jolted me to remember that the former of the titular short was the reason for this long-awaited get-together holiday in the Windy City in the first place. Tom Cavanagh, unbeknownst to him, had just officially united three online friends, each from a different country, to spend six full days of in-person bonding and a whole lot of fun.

***

I should have been shelving books.

I should have been doing a lot of library-related tasks, but my head was elsewhere. Anywhere other than the small-town public library where I work. Instead, I sat on the carpeted floor of the Junior/Young Adult section with my phone in hand and a dreadful article title staring back at me.

“The Flash: Carlos Valdes and Tom Cavanagh to Exit after 7 Seasons.”

My world felt like it was falling apart.

Tom was leaving? There had been rumours and wonderings spreading around the fandom regarding whether he was leaving the show. With a storyline ending with a monumental sacrifice and a time-travelling man saying his farewells, it all seemed to point to the fact. I should have known… I could have rivalled Supergirl as being the Paragon of Hope after all the optimism I doled out to my followers and friends who would come to me worried Tom would exit the show. I would always give reasons to deny such a thing could happen, claiming that I’d believe when I saw it.

Well, there it was, and I definitely saw it.

One could feel the ripple effect over the internet of the shards of broken and riled-up hearts around the world.

Tom’s exit was on his terms, having not felt challenged by his character’s plotlines, as mentioned in a recent Entertainment Weekly article. As a viewer—and I am a viewer (Mike and Tom Eat Snacks, anyone?), it has been increasingly difficult to look past the missed shots made by story editors and showrunner, so understandably, the actor would want to seek something more exciting and meatier. That said, Tom has always shone on-screen and taken what he’s been given in stride. He turns unearthed material into diamonds and indeed shines on screen. Steals it, even! Tom easily makes the episodes he’s in better, and when he’s missing, you feel the loss. The few episodes of Season 7 without him only give us a tiny hint at how the show will be without him going forward. It much resembles when you might bring out your favourite jigsaw puzzle, only to find that the one piece you need to complete it isn’t there.

***

On a personal note, as I write this, I am roughly 20 followers away from reaching a milestone of 2,000. I have written well over 200 stories for The Flash alone (whether they be short or long, one-shots or chaptered), and goodness knows how many words I’ve generated altogether over the course of these many years with inspiration from the show and my favourite character. I’ve written and co-written novel-length stories, one monumental Wellsian story of which was done alongside L and E (almost solely done through alternating text messaging in the app, Line) that reached over 108,000 words and consisted of 42 chapters. And when I’m not writing for my blog, I’m also working on trying to accomplish my dream of becoming a published author. Just as I thought before I launched my Tumblr blog, I think again now: Might as well give it a shot, right?

***

I have watched virtually everything Tom has been in that I could get my hands on, both physically and electronically. Sure, a few titles are out of my reach and probably lost to the very early 90's forever, but from what I've seen through Tom's filmography is enough to know that he can do anything. He can play the romantic leading man that will make you fall head over heels for him or a deranged killer that will have you genuinely scared of him. That is talent. Tom always brings something new to the table from each role to the next, and (when he's not playing those psycho killers) you can't help but admire his craft.

Not only is his acting stellar, but from what we as fans have gathered on the man, Tom has got to be one of the kindest men in the business. His humour and sheer ridiculousness could get anyone through a tough time (we’ve seen plenty of bloopers and behind-the-scenes videos to prove this!). He has clearly bottled and stored an endless supply of Fountain of Youth™ and each year continues to wow us with his handsomeness. Tom is charming, dedicated, and yes, arguably holds the world record for Bluest Eyes.

In my eyes, Tom Cavanagh gave me the two best friends I could have ever asked for, as well as plenty more lovely friends I’ve continued to make online. (One day, I hope to meet him again so that I can tell him in person how because of him, I’ve met such very important people in my life). Through Tom, I have truly found my passion for writing, and in doing so, segued me to dare to dream of becoming a published novelist. I wholeheartedly believe all of this would not have happened if it weren’t for those first series of events that led me to meet Tom and love and admire him immensely. He is indisputable proof that there are indeed men like him out there. Indeed, he did ruin all of my future expectations of men. He ruined my life in the absolute best way and I am eternally grateful.

I am very much looking forward to what Tom will do next. I think it’s rather needless to say that I will follow him in his career, as he has gained a devoted fan for life. He represents so much to me and so much of it I have gained since meeting him that fateful day, when I thought to myself, Maybe I should buy this T-shirt and get this guy to sign it. Wherever Tom goes in life, I’ll be here to cheer him on.

I have a pretty good feeling plenty of others will, too.

[justgotham]

Robin Lord Taylor, the third actor to play famous Batman villain The Penguin, talks to us about finding his confidence as an artist, his creative family in Gotham, his independent film work out of it, plus waddling in the footsteps of Burgess Meredith and Danny DeVito.

It's the first morning of this year's Heroes & Villains Fan Fest at Olympia London, and with press access I am able to take in the calm before the impending storm. Not the storm that will rock the city later that evening, but the imminent opening of the floodgates through which thousands of genre TV fans will pour.

Fans that have been drawn, in no small part, to the attendance of Robin Lord Taylor, who stars as The Penguin, aka Oswald Cobblepot, in TV hit Gotham. The character is one of Batman's most iconic enemies, played previously as a sneering caricature by Burgess Meredith in the 60s BatmanTV show, then physically grotesque and almost inhuman by Danny DeVito in 1992's Batman Returns. It is Taylor's very human and nuanced portrayal of the character that has seen him become one of the series most stand out turns.

As such, crowds lined up early to meet the star, many dressed up in full Oswald regalia and some of whom he has time to greet before he's torn away to chat to me (sorry everyone). He arrives in the press room buoyed by the morning's reception and I ask what it was like landing the role of such a well-known character.

"The role of "The Penguin" has just been such an amazing experience in so many ways, but mostly because the range of emotion that he goes through, it's the entire spectrum. I just feel confident now and not afraid. I feel like the best work I've ever done is coming up. It's really exciting. From the way they had already cast Gotham, I just knew it would always be me [chuckles]. I've never really felt that way at auditions, but I knew after the Gotham audition, I was like, "I think it's mine." [chuckles]. I had that feeling. Then talking to the executive producers, they were like, "The second you walked in the room, we were like, 'It's you'. It's incredible." My life has changed completely."

Far from a mere foil to pit against Gotham's caped crusader - albeit a teenage one - this Penguin, like many of the villains in the show, is often seen to be a victim of tragedy and injustice that goes on to form the famous alter-ego. One story-line in particular [SPOILER ALERT}, involving an unrequited love between Penguin and The Riddler, confirmed the shows willingness to give these characters a unique, fresh and modern take. Is this something he knew was planned from the beginning?

"I had no idea, I really didn't know. I don't know if they knew. I feel so fortunate in so many ways. Bringing the human experience to these larger than life characters has just been incredible. To find that common thread in these characters that have been around for 70-80 years, it's just been so great. Again, to be able to show certain aspects to these characters that people haven't really seen or thought about before has been probably my favourite thing about the experience. When you're an actor, that's the good stuff. I'm only the third "Penguin" on screen, which is great because I don't have the pressure of trying to live up to anything that's happened before. Not just that I'm the third one, it's such a departure from what Danny DeVito did, and then also what Burgess Meredith did, and so, I don't feel like I have to live up to what they did. Those guys are geniuses. That was nice and not having that pressure was great. Also, just to be one of the first major villains that launched from the pilot episode is just an amazing feeling. I'm just so grateful to be able to colour with all the crayons in the crayon box.

There is a pitch perfect cast that makes up the entire roster of Gotham's main characters, each bringing their own uniqueness to some well-worn roles. One of those is Ben Mackenzie, playing James Gordon, who has also directed episodes of the show. Taylor has nothing but good things to say about his experience of a cast-mate slipping into the director's chair.

"It was fantastic. Again, because he's an actor, he's so much more direct with us in a way. It's so much easier for him to get the kind of performance that he wants out of us because he knows us all so well. We're like a family. We all love each other. To have him behind the camera, he'd give this look at me and say maybe two words and I know exactly where he's going and what he wants. It's a really fantastic experience. [With guest directors] the great thing is that they really encourage us to make these characters ours and to just own it. Also, because I've been playing the character and it's been 88 episodes now or something, every once in a while, as the years go along, there'll be something in a scene and I'll have to remind the director, "Two years ago in season two, I did this thing, so that's not going to work because of that." I'm able to remind everybody where the character has been and all of the directors have come through really appreciate that. Because again, I know it better than anyone else does in some ways."

Where that familiarity with his role and working with the team on Gotham gets tested, is during the hiatus between series when Taylor has had the opportunity to sign on to independent feature film projects.

"It's daunting at first, but then at the same time I really look forward to any sort of opportunity to play a different character. I get afraid sometimes that I'll lose my job. "Oh, my God. Am I only ever going to do this? Do I know how to get through this?" Then going to these other films, especially because they're low budget, it just feels very creatively fulfilling in so many ways. I've been really lucky in the sense that I've been able to nail down a couple of independent features over the hiatus, which was really nice. I love it so much because it's the antithesis of Gotham. Gotham is a machine in the best way, but it's like multi-cameras, and it's very specific about the angles and the lighting, and everything is just super-designed to the moment. To be able to go on to an independent set where things are more freeing and open, it's amazing."

There are three films that look to all be approaching completion around the same time. Those are The Long Home, Full-Dress and The Mandela Effect.

"I did The Long Home first and that was directed by James Franco. We shot in Ohio, and it was a really, really crazy set. I really had no idea what to expect when I walked on to that set. At one point, I didn't even know where the camera was. He kept a very free-flowing, open environment on that set, which was, again, fun because it was so much different from Gotham.

After that was Full-Dress, which was an amazing experience because the director really attempted to shoot without any cuts so that it feels like a continual moment, which was really exciting because, again, it's so different from Gotham and it feels like a play in a way. We would do these scenes that just flow into one another, and so, you're doing the entire scene in one take without any coverage. It was a really fascinating experience because it's almost like choreography because as we talked, the camera had to find us, but we also had to find the camera, [all with] zero time and zero money. Everywhere we shot was basically a favor [chuckles]. It was really an amazing experience. I just talked to the director, Carlos Puga, and he says it's wrapping up, so it's almost out which is really fun and exciting.

Then, The Mandela Effect was directed and written by my good friend, David Guy Levy, who directed another independent film that I did some years ago called Would You Rather. It's a horror film. He wrote this. My other friend, Charlie Hofheimer, who is also the lead, was also in Would You Rather, so it was like coming-back-together-with-family moment."

One of the best things about these projects for Taylor is not always having to audition, and instead receiving straight offers. It's a testament to his work on Gotham and having the opportunity to display such a dynamic range, that these projects are now coming to him. But what about his own projects? In another interview earlier this year he talked about his desire to move in to producing. He already has a project in mind and credits his experience on Gotham for instilling in him the confidence to take it on.

"I'm working on producing. My sister is a novelist and I'm adapting one of her novels for screen. It's been with my good friend, Ashley Hudson, who I met through Gotham, actually. It's really exciting. I never thought of it as a possibility. Now and again, I just see all these opportunities now that I just want to take advantage of. It really is just confidence. It's just like being able to walk into a room and know that I belong there, and I deserve to be heard, and I have a voice. I have my own agency now. I found it within myself and that's been the best lesson ever. We're so fortunate with Gotham in the sense that the cast just really feels like a family. Going forward, I know that that's the vibe that I want to recreate on the set. I want to have that feeling where even though, for Gotham, it's a multi-million dollar budget thing, superheroes and stuff, but at the end of the day, it feels like a community theater [chuckles]. It still feels like we're a bunch of people coming together to play. I think that's why the show is just so vibrant and beautiful."

And with that, our whirlwind 13-minutes is up. He returns to the waiting fans at his table eager to meet the man who really has made the Penguin fly.

[wineanddinosaur]

Wine 101: Barolo and Barbaresco

This Episode of Wine 101 is sponsored by LUX Wines. LUX Wines is an importer of luxury wines from prestigious wineries around the world. Carefully curated, the Lux Wines collection showcases an evolving selection of the finest wines from some of the most revered winemaking families. We are the storytellers and stewards of their family legacies, and we can’t wait to share it all with you. Discover our exceptional wines and esteemed winemaking families at luxwines.com.

In this episode of “Wine 101,” VinePair tastings director Keith Beavers explores Barolo and Barbaresco. He begins the episode by warning fans that these styles encompass some of his favorite wines in the galaxy, but after listening to his explanation of the work that goes into these wines, Barolo and Barbaresco essentially speak for themselves.

Both styles are made from the Nebbiolo grape in Italy, though different areas produce wildly different wines based on factors like soil type, aging requirements, and winemaker style. Beavers explains that the focused Barolos available today took years to perfect, with experimentation beginning in the mid-19th century. Wine regions evolved through the sudden convergence of wealth, power, and winemaker knowledge and eventually gave way to intense, structured wines.

Back then, Nebbiolo was often grown only to be included in Barolo blends. It was not until 1894, when a co-op then named Cantina Cooperativa di Barbaresco began producing Barbaresco to be consumed on its own, that Barbaresco really made a name for itself. Today, consumers can still find affordable wines from this co-op, though Beavers warns that Barolo and Barbaresco can also be some of the most expensive wines on the market. That said, he insists they are well worth the price and can “probably change your life.”

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Or Check Out the Conversation Here

My name is Keith Beavers, and Disney just announced 10 new “Star Wars” projects and a new era of “Star Wars” showing up in novel form on Jan. 5, which is my birthday. I’m so excited, oh my God!

What’s going on, wine lovers? Welcome to Episode 30 of VinePair’s “Wine 101 Podcast.” My name is Keith Beavers. I am the tastings director of VinePair, and what is going on? I can’t express how excited I am to talk about what we’re about to talk about. Have you ever heard of Barolo? You’ve heard of Barbaresco. It’s red, it’s expensive, it’s from Italy. Let’s drill down on this, ‘cause you’re going to love stuff.

OK, wine lovers. This is a full-disclosure here before we get started. The wines we’re about to talk about today are my favorite wines in the galaxy. I would fight VinePair CEO of Adam Teeter for these wines. Maybe we have fought over these wines before. They are my favorite. So I’m going to be very excited. I love this stuff. I owned an Italian restaurant for 10 years, and Italian wine is some of my favorite wine in the world.

Let’s just get into this. In the northwestern part of Italy, there is a region called Piedmont. In Italian, it’s Piemonte, which means the foot of the mountain or the feet of the mountain because of its proximity to the Alps. In the southern part of Piedmont or Piemonte, there is a grouping of hills, just absolutely visually stunning hills.

And this is called the Langhe. In the old dialect of this region, the word langhe means low-lying hill. So this grouping of hills is the plural of that called the Langhe. Sometimes in English, we call it the Langhe hills, which is a little bit redundant, but whatever. It’s hard to describe how beautiful this place is when you’re looking at this, just Google it. It’s absolutely amazing. It’s actually a UNESCO World Heritage Site. It’s just stunning.

And in these hills is a very famous town called Alba. It’s a center town where people would gather from around the area. About nine miles southwest to the town of Alba is another town called Barolo, and the vineyards surrounding the town of Barolo and other townships consist of one grape, a red wine grape called Nebbiolo.

It is one of the most revered varieties in this region. It’s one of the most revered varieties in Italy, and the wine that is made from the Nebbiolo grape in this area is named after that town Barolo. About 15 miles northeast of Alba is a town called Barbaresco, and in the vineyards surrounding Barbaresco and a couple of townships is one grape. And that grape is also Nebbiolo. And the wine made here from the Nebbiolo grape is named after the town Barbaresco. The wines made from the Nebbiolo grape in these two towns are some of the most age-worthy wines in the world, some of the most expressive wines in the world, some of the most dramatic red wines in the world. But it wasn’t always that way.

We have to go back to Barolo, and we have to go back to about the mid-19th century before the unification of Italy. What’s interesting about this area is in Europe and especially Italy, there’s so much ancient winemaking going on. And then these regions evolve through this particular tradition. This area wasn’t like that. Wine in Barolo and the surrounding area before the 19th century was just sweet fizzy red wine. It was a bit unbalanced. But in the mid-19th century, there was a convergence of wealth, power, and wine knowledge that came together to create what we know today. It’s pretty awesome.

Camillo Benso, Count of Cavour, lived in Barolo on his Grinzane estate. He was a statesman. This area of Italy is very Francophile, and his mother was French. His father was Italian. Actually, his godmother was the sister of Napoleon. So this guy had money. He had power. He actually eventually became part of the movement towards Italian unification. He had a newspaper called Il Risorgimento. He would eventually become the prime minister of Italy and Sardinia — that’s a whole story — and then just the prime minister of Italy. So this guy had some power. He was also very well traveled, and he would go to France a lot and just learn about how they made wine there. And he would come back to his estate, which obviously had vineyards on it ’cause he’s Italian, and he saw an opportunity to change the way wine was made in his region.

He had a man under his employ, a retired general by the name of Paolo Francesco Staglieno. And this guy was a studied enologist as well. And in the research, this is where things get a little bit fuzzy, but what it feels is that Benso and Staglieno used knowledge they gained in France to reform and change the way wine was made in Barolo.

It was a lot of stuff. They changed the way wine was fermented. They changed the way the wine was aged. They changed the way the wine was grown. Where at one time it was all just field blends like it was back in the day in Bordeaux, they decided to do monoculture vineyards, meaning just one variety per vineyard.

And with these techniques, they basically changed the way wine was made in Barolo. And this is really the moment where we start seeing the Barolo that we know today. So the thing is, I believe the quality of wine was improving in this area. And just north of the town of Barolo is a town called La Morra — a commune I should say.

And in that commune, there was a big estate from Giulietta Filetti. She was the marquee of Barolo. She gets wind of this quality wine, and she starts doing the same thing they’re doing on her estate in La Morra, which is a town about a little bit north of Barolo. So now it’s starting to spread.

And then, King Carlos Alberto of Sardinia has a resort in this area. He gets wind of it. He starts making wine in his estate, and then another count, Count Emmanuel Fiore, develops vineyards around his hunting lodge in that area called Fontana Alfredo, which is actually still there today.

And with this new style of wine gaining in popularity, down in the Goria — which is the region just south of Piedmont and Genoa, which is now Genova — there is a wine merchant by the name of Louis Oudart. Now, usually often he’s thought to be the guy that actually went and did all the consulting with everybody. But recently it’s shown that he actually didn’t. He had a house, he was a merchant, and he had a maison in Genoa because Genoa had a really thriving French community. And he would spend a lot of time in Barolo and Barbaresco and bring wine back and bottle it and sell it through his house, through his maison.

And I think that’s where everything started becoming popular outside of this area. So all this stuff was happening at once. And then at some point, Barolo becomes known as the Wine of Kings and the King of Wines. And all of this development of land and winemaking practices is what we have today in the Barolo region.

Barolo is such a fascinating wine. It’s elegant. It’s powerful. It’s tannic. It’s expressive aromatically, but it has just bracing acidity that will not allow the wine to overwhelm your palate. It’s incredible. And what’s really wild about Barolo and wines made from Nebbiolo, in general, is the alcohol is often 14 or 14.5, and that’s high.

And you would think when you had a wine like that in your nose, you would smell and feel the alcohol. But no, you don’t. Barolos are so balanced that you don’t even know what kind of alcohol is in it. You only know that it’s 14.5 percent because you look at the label. It’s just the most fascinating stuff.

And these wines can age for so long, and they actually have to age in barrel and in bottle for a long time before it actually gets to the market. It has to age 38 months, and at least 18 of those months need to be in the oak. And for the riserva, it’s 62 months, with at least 18 months in the oak.

And the color of this wine is just such a joy to look at. It’s almost like the color of a Pinot Noir, but it’s more ruby because it has this wild brickish, rusty tinge to it. Wines that usually have that are wines that have aged for a while, but this wine has it in its youth. And speaking of youth, it’s all cherries and plums, but as it starts to age, you get dried cherries and rose petals and tar and tobacco and licorice.

But all of that is very, very, very balanced. And it depends on where in Barolo the wine is made that gives you all the different variations of what I just spoke of, because Barolo is made up of five townships. You have the town and surrounding area of Barolo. Then you have just north of that the commune of La Morra, where Giulietta was doing her thing with her estate. East of Barolo, you have a commune called Castiglione Falletto. South of that commune is Serralunga d’Alba. And south of that commune is a commune called Monforte d’Alba. And the reason I mentioned these five townships is because the soil compositions are unique so that the expression of the Barolo is different depending on what township the wine comes from.

You’re not always going to see that in big letters on the label. You’re going to see Barolo, and it’s going to say who made it, and somewhere on the label, it’s going to say one of those townships. Or if the wine comes from a single vineyard, the name of that single vineyard will also be on the label.

And it’s a little bit weird because these townships aren’t front and center on the labels, but they’re important. Because wines coming from Barolo and La Morra, which is Barolo, then just north of that is La Morra. This area is a more fertile soil. And even though Barolo is always going to be powerful from these two townships, you’re going to get a little bit more aromatics. It’s gonna be juicier and fruitier. The wines are gonna feel a little more broad in the palate, and they actually age a little bit faster. So it’s one of those wines you can drink earlier than you would from other areas in Barolo. Going east from Barolo, you go down into a valley then back up into some hills.

And those hills are much less fertile than the soils over in La Morra and Barolo, and you have the Serralunga d’Alba, and then south of that you have Monforte d’Alba. The Barolos that come out of these two townships are very big, they’re structured, they take longer to age, and they’re not approachable as soon as you would want. They have little more oomph to them. They’re a little more intense, I guess.

And then the last township, Castiglione Falletto, is this very unique place, because it’s at a higher elevation. It’s on the spur of these hills. And because of the less fertile soil, it’s still very intense, but because of the sun exposure, it creates more fruity flavors.

So it’s the best of both worlds. You get a little bit of the Serralunga d’Alba, Monforte d’Alba, a little bit of La Morra Barolo in the Castiglione Falletto. I’m hoping you guys aren’t confused. This is a lot, but it’s pretty awesome stuff.

So to sum up, Barolo is made up of five townships. Each township has very unique soils. In two townships, you get fruitier Barolos. In three townships, you get more intense Barolos, and then one of those townships has more fruit than the other townships. The thing is, you’re just going to drink Barolo, and when you buy a Barolo, take a look at where it’s from, and then use that stuff.

Maybe don’t think, OK, I’m going to go get a Monforte d’Alba because of the pizza. Just go and buy Barolo and drink it, and then look on the label, see where it’s from and go, “Oh.” Take a note in your head, write a note on a piece of paper, go buy another Barolo from a different township, take notes on that. That’s just that’s really how to do it.

So like I said, Barolos are always powerful. Wines made from Nebbiolo are always powerful. It’s the nuances that change and define wines made from this grape. And earlier, we were talking about a town 15 miles northeast of Alba called Barbaresco.

And the reason why I didn’t talk about that in the beginning is because in Barolo, there’s the history in Barolo. For a long time, the wine and grapes in Barbaresco were used to blend with Barolo. This was back in the day, and it wasn’t until 1894 that the word Barbaresco started showing up on wine labels.

And that’s because a guy named Domizio Cavazza, who was an enological professor at the school of Alba, he founded a big co-op in Barbaresco. It’s called Cantina Cooperativa di Barbaresco. It was a different name then, that’s the name of it now, but it’s still around. It is a really good source of very awesome affordable Barbaresco on the American market. It’s easy to find, it’s awesome stuff.

And from 1894 into the 1960s, that was the thing that was going on. And then it wasn’t until the 1960s that we had winemakers who started doing the things like Barolo did back in the day in Barbaresco to focus this place. Giovanni Gaja, Bruno Giacosa, and Alberto di Gresy: These three winemakers, with their individual companies, redefined what Barbaresco was into what it is today. And you can find these wines on the market. They’re all over the place, they’re very expensive these days, but they’re absolutely stunning wines, and they started basically everything.

And Barbaresco is a small place. It’s a third of the size of Barolo. They have townships as well. But there’s not as many. There’s only four. There’s Barbaresco, there’s Treiso, there’s a commune called Neive, and then a little slice of Alba.

But the thing is, the wines made from Nebbiolo here, ‘cause they’re all made from Nebbiolo, they’re different. Because there’s a unique type of soil here that is a fossil-based soil, but they’re also very close to the Tanaro River. That actually helps moderate temperatures and how these vines mature through the growing season.

And the result of those conditions is a powerful wine. Nebbiolo is always powerful, but here, there’s a little more leanness to it. Just a little more elegance. There’s such a “lift” on the palate of Barbaresco, and it still has the intensity of tannin — actually more so because of that soil — and it still has that vibrant acidity and it still has that dramatic fruit.

But the expression is just a little bit different. You can actually sense all three of them on the palate where Barolo, it all comes together in a blend, which is beautiful. But there’s something separate about Barbaresco. There’s the tannin, there’s the acidity, and there is that beautiful perfumed fruit.

It’s a little bit more perfumed than you get from Barolo.You get violets, you get bright cherries, and when it ages, that tar is still there, that tobacco, but you get this undeniable note of orange peel, and it’s just very refreshing, very beautiful.

And you can tell in the aging requirements, Barbaresco is released earlier. It’s only 26 months required to age with nine months in oak, as opposed to the 38 and 18 month for Barolo. And for riserva, it’s 50 months instead of the 62 months for Barolo. So you get a sense of it’s a little lighter, more elegant wine.

None of these wines are better than the other wines. They’re all phenomenal, amazing wines. It’s just that these two towns, and the wines made in these two towns, are these beautiful, intense, structured, phenomenal wines that age for a very long time. And all you have to do is explore them. And every township has a uniqueness to it, but every township is awesome.

So I hope you guys are getting a little bit of a sense of the wines from these two regions, I am head over heels for these wines — they’re the best in the galaxy as far as I’m concerned. So I’m waxing on and off here and getting very passionate about it. I’m hoping I’m not too crazy, but I just want to convey to you the wondrousness of these wines.

And these wines can be expensive. They start around $30, $40 at the way-low end, but $50, $60, $70, that’s how much these wines are going to be. But there’s a reason for that. Barolo is one of the most intelligent, focused wine regions in Italy, if not the world. And it is just a very confident place with very good, focused wine, and the yields are very focused as well.

So you’re paying for something that is going to probably change your life. Well, it changed mine.

If you’re digging what I’m doing, picking up what I’m putting down, go ahead and give me a rating on iTunes or tell your friends to subscribe. You can subscribe. If you like to type, go ahead and send a review or something like that, but let’s get this wine podcast out so that everybody can learn about wine.

Check me out on Instagram. It’s @vinepairkeith. I do all my stuff in stories. And also, you got to follow VinePair on Instagram, which is @vinepair. And don’t forget to listen to the VinePair Podcast, which is hosted by Adam and Zach. It’s a great deep dive into drinks culture every week.

Now, for some credits. How about that? Wine 101 is recorded and produced by yours truly, Keith Beavers, at the VinePair headquarters in New York City. I want to give a big shout-out to co-founders Adam Teeter and Josh Malin. I also want to thank Danielle Grinberg for making the most legit Wine 101 logo. And I got to thank Darby Cicci for making this amazing song: Listen to this epic stuff. And finally, I want to thank the VinePair staff for helping me learn more every day. Thanks for listening. I’ll see you next week.

Ed. note: This episode has been edited for length and clarity.

The article Wine 101: Barolo and Barbaresco appeared first on VinePair.

source https://vinepair.com/articles/wine-101-barolo-and-barbaresco/

[johnboothus]

Wine 101: Barolo and Barbaresco

This Episode of Wine 101 is sponsored by LUX Wines. LUX Wines is an importer of luxury wines from prestigious wineries around the world. Carefully curated, the Lux Wines collection showcases an evolving selection of the finest wines from some of the most revered winemaking families. We are the storytellers and stewards of their family legacies, and we can’t wait to share it all with you. Discover our exceptional wines and esteemed winemaking families at luxwines.com.

In this episode of “Wine 101,” VinePair tastings director Keith Beavers explores Barolo and Barbaresco. He begins the episode by warning fans that these styles encompass some of his favorite wines in the galaxy, but after listening to his explanation of the work that goes into these wines, Barolo and Barbaresco essentially speak for themselves.

Both styles are made from the Nebbiolo grape in Italy, though different areas produce wildly different wines based on factors like soil type, aging requirements, and winemaker style. Beavers explains that the focused Barolos available today took years to perfect, with experimentation beginning in the mid-19th century. Wine regions evolved through the sudden convergence of wealth, power, and winemaker knowledge and eventually gave way to intense, structured wines.

Back then, Nebbiolo was often grown only to be included in Barolo blends. It was not until 1894, when a co-op then named Cantina Cooperativa di Barbaresco began producing Barbaresco to be consumed on its own, that Barbaresco really made a name for itself. Today, consumers can still find affordable wines from this co-op, though Beavers warns that Barolo and Barbaresco can also be some of the most expensive wines on the market. That said, he insists they are well worth the price and can “probably change your life.”

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My name is Keith Beavers, and Disney just announced 10 new “Star Wars” projects and a new era of “Star Wars” showing up in novel form on Jan. 5, which is my birthday. I’m so excited, oh my God!

What’s going on, wine lovers? Welcome to Episode 30 of VinePair’s “Wine 101 Podcast.” My name is Keith Beavers. I am the tastings director of VinePair, and what is going on? I can’t express how excited I am to talk about what we’re about to talk about. Have you ever heard of Barolo? You’ve heard of Barbaresco. It’s red, it’s expensive, it’s from Italy. Let’s drill down on this, ‘cause you’re going to love stuff.

OK, wine lovers. This is a full-disclosure here before we get started. The wines we’re about to talk about today are my favorite wines in the galaxy. I would fight VinePair CEO of Adam Teeter for these wines. Maybe we have fought over these wines before. They are my favorite. So I’m going to be very excited. I love this stuff. I owned an Italian restaurant for 10 years, and Italian wine is some of my favorite wine in the world.

Let’s just get into this. In the northwestern part of Italy, there is a region called Piedmont. In Italian, it’s Piemonte, which means the foot of the mountain or the feet of the mountain because of its proximity to the Alps. In the southern part of Piedmont or Piemonte, there is a grouping of hills, just absolutely visually stunning hills.

And this is called the Langhe. In the old dialect of this region, the word langhe means low-lying hill. So this grouping of hills is the plural of that called the Langhe. Sometimes in English, we call it the Langhe hills, which is a little bit redundant, but whatever. It’s hard to describe how beautiful this place is when you’re looking at this, just Google it. It’s absolutely amazing. It’s actually a UNESCO World Heritage Site. It’s just stunning.

And in these hills is a very famous town called Alba. It’s a center town where people would gather from around the area. About nine miles southwest to the town of Alba is another town called Barolo, and the vineyards surrounding the town of Barolo and other townships consist of one grape, a red wine grape called Nebbiolo.

It is one of the most revered varieties in this region. It’s one of the most revered varieties in Italy, and the wine that is made from the Nebbiolo grape in this area is named after that town Barolo. About 15 miles northeast of Alba is a town called Barbaresco, and in the vineyards surrounding Barbaresco and a couple of townships is one grape. And that grape is also Nebbiolo. And the wine made here from the Nebbiolo grape is named after the town Barbaresco. The wines made from the Nebbiolo grape in these two towns are some of the most age-worthy wines in the world, some of the most expressive wines in the world, some of the most dramatic red wines in the world. But it wasn’t always that way.

We have to go back to Barolo, and we have to go back to about the mid-19th century before the unification of Italy. What’s interesting about this area is in Europe and especially Italy, there’s so much ancient winemaking going on. And then these regions evolve through this particular tradition. This area wasn’t like that. Wine in Barolo and the surrounding area before the 19th century was just sweet fizzy red wine. It was a bit unbalanced. But in the mid-19th century, there was a convergence of wealth, power, and wine knowledge that came together to create what we know today. It’s pretty awesome.

Camillo Benso, Count of Cavour, lived in Barolo on his Grinzane estate. He was a statesman. This area of Italy is very Francophile, and his mother was French. His father was Italian. Actually, his godmother was the sister of Napoleon. So this guy had money. He had power. He actually eventually became part of the movement towards Italian unification. He had a newspaper called Il Risorgimento. He would eventually become the prime minister of Italy and Sardinia — that’s a whole story — and then just the prime minister of Italy. So this guy had some power. He was also very well traveled, and he would go to France a lot and just learn about how they made wine there. And he would come back to his estate, which obviously had vineyards on it ’cause he’s Italian, and he saw an opportunity to change the way wine was made in his region.

He had a man under his employ, a retired general by the name of Paolo Francesco Staglieno. And this guy was a studied enologist as well. And in the research, this is where things get a little bit fuzzy, but what it feels is that Benso and Staglieno used knowledge they gained in France to reform and change the way wine was made in Barolo.

It was a lot of stuff. They changed the way wine was fermented. They changed the way the wine was aged. They changed the way the wine was grown. Where at one time it was all just field blends like it was back in the day in Bordeaux, they decided to do monoculture vineyards, meaning just one variety per vineyard.

And with these techniques, they basically changed the way wine was made in Barolo. And this is really the moment where we start seeing the Barolo that we know today. So the thing is, I believe the quality of wine was improving in this area. And just north of the town of Barolo is a town called La Morra — a commune I should say.

And in that commune, there was a big estate from Giulietta Filetti. She was the marquee of Barolo. She gets wind of this quality wine, and she starts doing the same thing they’re doing on her estate in La Morra, which is a town about a little bit north of Barolo. So now it’s starting to spread.

And then, King Carlos Alberto of Sardinia has a resort in this area. He gets wind of it. He starts making wine in his estate, and then another count, Count Emmanuel Fiore, develops vineyards around his hunting lodge in that area called Fontana Alfredo, which is actually still there today.

And with this new style of wine gaining in popularity, down in the Goria — which is the region just south of Piedmont and Genoa, which is now Genova — there is a wine merchant by the name of Louis Oudart. Now, usually often he’s thought to be the guy that actually went and did all the consulting with everybody. But recently it’s shown that he actually didn’t. He had a house, he was a merchant, and he had a maison in Genoa because Genoa had a really thriving French community. And he would spend a lot of time in Barolo and Barbaresco and bring wine back and bottle it and sell it through his house, through his maison.

And I think that’s where everything started becoming popular outside of this area. So all this stuff was happening at once. And then at some point, Barolo becomes known as the Wine of Kings and the King of Wines. And all of this development of land and winemaking practices is what we have today in the Barolo region.

Barolo is such a fascinating wine. It’s elegant. It’s powerful. It’s tannic. It’s expressive aromatically, but it has just bracing acidity that will not allow the wine to overwhelm your palate. It’s incredible. And what’s really wild about Barolo and wines made from Nebbiolo, in general, is the alcohol is often 14 or 14.5, and that’s high.

And you would think when you had a wine like that in your nose, you would smell and feel the alcohol. But no, you don’t. Barolos are so balanced that you don’t even know what kind of alcohol is in it. You only know that it’s 14.5 percent because you look at the label. It’s just the most fascinating stuff.

And these wines can age for so long, and they actually have to age in barrel and in bottle for a long time before it actually gets to the market. It has to age 38 months, and at least 18 of those months need to be in the oak. And for the riserva, it’s 62 months, with at least 18 months in the oak.

And the color of this wine is just such a joy to look at. It’s almost like the color of a Pinot Noir, but it’s more ruby because it has this wild brickish, rusty tinge to it. Wines that usually have that are wines that have aged for a while, but this wine has it in its youth. And speaking of youth, it’s all cherries and plums, but as it starts to age, you get dried cherries and rose petals and tar and tobacco and licorice.

But all of that is very, very, very balanced. And it depends on where in Barolo the wine is made that gives you all the different variations of what I just spoke of, because Barolo is made up of five townships. You have the town and surrounding area of Barolo. Then you have just north of that the commune of La Morra, where Giulietta was doing her thing with her estate. East of Barolo, you have a commune called Castiglione Falletto. South of that commune is Serralunga d’Alba. And south of that commune is a commune called Monforte d’Alba. And the reason I mentioned these five townships is because the soil compositions are unique so that the expression of the Barolo is different depending on what township the wine comes from.

You’re not always going to see that in big letters on the label. You’re going to see Barolo, and it’s going to say who made it, and somewhere on the label, it’s going to say one of those townships. Or if the wine comes from a single vineyard, the name of that single vineyard will also be on the label.

And it’s a little bit weird because these townships aren’t front and center on the labels, but they’re important. Because wines coming from Barolo and La Morra, which is Barolo, then just north of that is La Morra. This area is a more fertile soil. And even though Barolo is always going to be powerful from these two townships, you’re going to get a little bit more aromatics. It’s gonna be juicier and fruitier. The wines are gonna feel a little more broad in the palate, and they actually age a little bit faster. So it’s one of those wines you can drink earlier than you would from other areas in Barolo. Going east from Barolo, you go down into a valley then back up into some hills.

And those hills are much less fertile than the soils over in La Morra and Barolo, and you have the Serralunga d’Alba, and then south of that you have Monforte d’Alba. The Barolos that come out of these two townships are very big, they’re structured, they take longer to age, and they’re not approachable as soon as you would want. They have little more oomph to them. They’re a little more intense, I guess.

And then the last township, Castiglione Falletto, is this very unique place, because it’s at a higher elevation. It’s on the spur of these hills. And because of the less fertile soil, it’s still very intense, but because of the sun exposure, it creates more fruity flavors.

So it’s the best of both worlds. You get a little bit of the Serralunga d’Alba, Monforte d’Alba, a little bit of La Morra Barolo in the Castiglione Falletto. I’m hoping you guys aren’t confused. This is a lot, but it’s pretty awesome stuff.

So to sum up, Barolo is made up of five townships. Each township has very unique soils. In two townships, you get fruitier Barolos. In three townships, you get more intense Barolos, and then one of those townships has more fruit than the other townships. The thing is, you’re just going to drink Barolo, and when you buy a Barolo, take a look at where it’s from, and then use that stuff.

Maybe don’t think, OK, I’m going to go get a Monforte d’Alba because of the pizza. Just go and buy Barolo and drink it, and then look on the label, see where it’s from and go, “Oh.” Take a note in your head, write a note on a piece of paper, go buy another Barolo from a different township, take notes on that. That’s just that’s really how to do it.

So like I said, Barolos are always powerful. Wines made from Nebbiolo are always powerful. It’s the nuances that change and define wines made from this grape. And earlier, we were talking about a town 15 miles northeast of Alba called Barbaresco.

And the reason why I didn’t talk about that in the beginning is because in Barolo, there’s the history in Barolo. For a long time, the wine and grapes in Barbaresco were used to blend with Barolo. This was back in the day, and it wasn’t until 1894 that the word Barbaresco started showing up on wine labels.

And that’s because a guy named Domizio Cavazza, who was an enological professor at the school of Alba, he founded a big co-op in Barbaresco. It’s called Cantina Cooperativa di Barbaresco. It was a different name then, that’s the name of it now, but it’s still around. It is a really good source of very awesome affordable Barbaresco on the American market. It’s easy to find, it’s awesome stuff.

And from 1894 into the 1960s, that was the thing that was going on. And then it wasn’t until the 1960s that we had winemakers who started doing the things like Barolo did back in the day in Barbaresco to focus this place. Giovanni Gaja, Bruno Giacosa, and Alberto di Gresy: These three winemakers, with their individual companies, redefined what Barbaresco was into what it is today. And you can find these wines on the market. They’re all over the place, they’re very expensive these days, but they’re absolutely stunning wines, and they started basically everything.

And Barbaresco is a small place. It’s a third of the size of Barolo. They have townships as well. But there’s not as many. There’s only four. There’s Barbaresco, there’s Treiso, there’s a commune called Neive, and then a little slice of Alba.

But the thing is, the wines made from Nebbiolo here, ‘cause they’re all made from Nebbiolo, they’re different. Because there’s a unique type of soil here that is a fossil-based soil, but they’re also very close to the Tanaro River. That actually helps moderate temperatures and how these vines mature through the growing season.

And the result of those conditions is a powerful wine. Nebbiolo is always powerful, but here, there’s a little more leanness to it. Just a little more elegance. There’s such a “lift” on the palate of Barbaresco, and it still has the intensity of tannin — actually more so because of that soil — and it still has that vibrant acidity and it still has that dramatic fruit.

But the expression is just a little bit different. You can actually sense all three of them on the palate where Barolo, it all comes together in a blend, which is beautiful. But there’s something separate about Barbaresco. There’s the tannin, there’s the acidity, and there is that beautiful perfumed fruit.

It’s a little bit more perfumed than you get from Barolo.You get violets, you get bright cherries, and when it ages, that tar is still there, that tobacco, but you get this undeniable note of orange peel, and it’s just very refreshing, very beautiful.

And you can tell in the aging requirements, Barbaresco is released earlier. It’s only 26 months required to age with nine months in oak, as opposed to the 38 and 18 month for Barolo. And for riserva, it’s 50 months instead of the 62 months for Barolo. So you get a sense of it’s a little lighter, more elegant wine.

None of these wines are better than the other wines. They’re all phenomenal, amazing wines. It’s just that these two towns, and the wines made in these two towns, are these beautiful, intense, structured, phenomenal wines that age for a very long time. And all you have to do is explore them. And every township has a uniqueness to it, but every township is awesome.

So I hope you guys are getting a little bit of a sense of the wines from these two regions, I am head over heels for these wines — they’re the best in the galaxy as far as I’m concerned. So I’m waxing on and off here and getting very passionate about it. I’m hoping I’m not too crazy, but I just want to convey to you the wondrousness of these wines.

And these wines can be expensive. They start around $30, $40 at the way-low end, but $50, $60, $70, that’s how much these wines are going to be. But there’s a reason for that. Barolo is one of the most intelligent, focused wine regions in Italy, if not the world. And it is just a very confident place with very good, focused wine, and the yields are very focused as well.

So you’re paying for something that is going to probably change your life. Well, it changed mine.

If you’re digging what I’m doing, picking up what I’m putting down, go ahead and give me a rating on iTunes or tell your friends to subscribe. You can subscribe. If you like to type, go ahead and send a review or something like that, but let’s get this wine podcast out so that everybody can learn about wine.

Check me out on Instagram. It’s @vinepairkeith. I do all my stuff in stories. And also, you got to follow VinePair on Instagram, which is @vinepair. And don’t forget to listen to the VinePair Podcast, which is hosted by Adam and Zach. It’s a great deep dive into drinks culture every week.

Now, for some credits. How about that? Wine 101 is recorded and produced by yours truly, Keith Beavers, at the VinePair headquarters in New York City. I want to give a big shout-out to co-founders Adam Teeter and Josh Malin. I also want to thank Danielle Grinberg for making the most legit Wine 101 logo. And I got to thank Darby Cicci for making this amazing song: Listen to this epic stuff. And finally, I want to thank the VinePair staff for helping me learn more every day. Thanks for listening. I’ll see you next week.

Ed. note: This episode has been edited for length and clarity.

The article Wine 101: Barolo and Barbaresco appeared first on VinePair.

Via https://vinepair.com/articles/wine-101-barolo-and-barbaresco/

source https://vinology1.weebly.com/blog/wine-101-barolo-and-barbaresco

[rachelannc]

“Woke up this morning with the weirdest case of the butterflies,” I wrote that Tuesday morning on my phone.

Just the day before, I got a call from a band my 13-year-old self had always loved.

“It’s almost surreal to think I will be embarking on just a short run of a California West Coast tour with a band I’ve always loved,” I wrote. “I’ll get to see what it’s really like to be traveling on a cramped van. I will room in the weirdest hotels and smell the funkiest bars and sweat. Oh, the romanticism of it all gets to me… but the #LolaRachel in me is just dreading the thought of it all.”

I continued, “But hasn’t the road always called to me? I guess I’ll find out.”

With a sigh and a bit of nerves, I wrote, “S**t. What have I done? 😂”

You get what you ask for, I guess.

I had just gotten back from a spontaneous weekend’s getaway to Las Vegas with a friend and caught a slight cold waking up in that hotel room Sunday morning.

“Watch, you’re the reason you get the band sick,” my brother joked to me.

“OH MY GOD. THAT WOULD BE MY WORST NIGHTMARE!” I anxiously replied.

Meg & Dia just kicked off their two-week HappySad reunion tour — their first tour as a band together in eight years — with an all-new album and leg of shows that would take them throughout the West Coast and a few dates on the East ’til the end of September.

The forever-lingering fan girl in me was so stoked (but nervous as hell I’d be sharing rooms and traveling with them on the road, being intimate as ever — just me, Meg, Dia, Carlo and new drummer Grant spending hours on end together). The 13-year-old in me was still freaking out and dreaming up all these different scenarios in my head.

The night before I was messaging the band, “Any travel tips or things to be wary of to pack?” They told me to pack lightly, bring some water, some comfy clothes for the long drives and a water bottle to stay hydrated.

That Wednesday morning I got the call from Carlo. He picked me up on our way to Dia’s house to meet the girls and head on over to their San Diego show later that night at SOMA. Check-in and load-in would be around 4pm, so we spent the afternoon driving, picking up some merch, grabbing some In-N-Out and Starbucks wearing funky paper hats, as Dia helped me prep the merch table.

As we unpacked the boxes and hung stuff up onto the metal cage, Dia, in a moment of “band safety” (or “sisterly advice”) told me to look out for anyone who may be “creepy” or dangerous, and to feel free to call on anyone who’s numbers I have. It was a bit of a sisterly-talk, which was actually very nice and comforting, especially myself being a young twenty-something female who has had her fair share of “creeps” come up to me!

The whole day through, my little sick-self who didn’t want to sabotage this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity tried to hold back my voice and coughs in the car, which also stifled any chance of me trying to talk (ha 😂). I kept my mouth shut and coughs back, drank my water and silently hung up the merch. I grabbed a beer from the green room upstairs, walked around the parking lot, wandered around the green rooms as I saw Dia doing her stretches and vocal warmups as Carlo and Grant roamed around and Meg took a walk to Target (to which she thought up her story to introduce “Nineteen Stars”).

“I don’t know what to do with myself,” I said as I circled the same room five times.

Meg replied, “Welcome to tour!”

Settling into San Diego

San Diego’s run of tour was the band’s first date of their California shows. They had one day off prior to kicking off tour over the weekend, to which Meg joked, “I didn’t even know what to do with myself!” Dia mentioned how nice it felt to just lounge, eat, read a book and sleep in her own bed.

My favorite part of doing merch? Having friends and familiar faces come up during the shows and say hello, and even one random fan saying, “I follow you and your guitar stuff on Instagram!” What a surprise.

To be honest, I low-key had a hunch that people from online were going to approach me at the merch table. But to prepare myself, I told myself, “This is about Meg & Dia. Not me! I’m only here to help them out and I’m not going to make this about me. But if people come up, that’s cool!”

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One of my favorite things about this tour? Seeing old friends and familiar faces come up to the shows who love @meganddiamusic too! 🐨 #meganddia #happysadtour #somasandiego #sandiego #throwback #dayone #merchgirl #throwback #towednesdaynight

A post shared by Rachel Ann Cauilan (@rachelcansea) on Sep 22, 2019 at 2:07am PDT

As I’ve been anticipating their tour since the summer, I was kind of in a weird, out-of-body headspace and disbelief of where I was, what was happening… I was just going with the motions. So when I rolled up to their soundcheck, I remember having a moment where I was like, “Wait a second. This is their first new set of songs in over eight years. I can’t wait to hear how they sound live!”

San Diego was definitely a more intimate night, with fans listening intently and giving the band their respect and dues. Dia even had a moment where she cried during “Dear Heart,” to which Meg stopped and adoringly gave Dia a hug. Since I was with them the entire day, I was like, “Awww…” But also, I knew how completely normal this was for Dia to get emotional while singing (I guess that just goes to show how much I’ve followed them over the years, lol).

Curfew for that night was 11pm which gave us enough time to pack up at the end of the night, settle the merch and drive back to sleep in our own beds in Los Angeles. It was hitting 1am and I remember sleepily hearing Underoath and Sleeping With Sirens playing in the van as Dia “the speed demon” drove the van back to LA by 2am in no time.

Los Angeles and the Troubadour

“We here Rachael!” Meg texted me just before 2pm to alert that they had arrived and picked me up on the way to load-in at the Troubadour for the show that night.

I technically didn’t need to arrive to the venue until 6pm to set-up merch, but I figured, I don’t even have my car (my stuff got stolen just a week prior), and I don’t get to tour everyday, so might as well come early and spend the day hanging around to get the “full experience.”

I have to say, one of the most admirable and eye-opening things I’ve seen on this tour was seeing how the girls operate. Since my sick-self was trying to heal ASAP, I opted to stay quiet and just absorb and learn as much as I could just from witnessing and observing the process of tour throughout…

As Dia, Meg, Carlo, Grant and I loaded into the back of the Troubadour, we unpacked all the gear to set up on the stage. Soundcheck was at 4pm and as the band prepped their gear, I mozied my way on over to unpack the merch boxes and start setting up some merch (to which we basically all sold-out the night before and I had to wait on 6-8 boxes of merch to arrive at the venue later that night). I wandered around, took some photos and watched the band soundcheck.

Listening to their soundcheck and getting that rare look into how they rehearse and prepare, I feel like I was able to hear much more than their live performance set. A fuller sound and an intimate, rare look where they’re conversing with each their and the sound guy to get things sounding good… And just to hear these songs every night and see how their vibes, moods and energies change?! Wow, what an opportunity.

Since we had so much time to kill before the show, we decided to walk around and grab some food. We grubbed at Guisado’s (was my first real meal with the band)! We walked past Salt & Straw, to which we all gushed how good it was and I couldn’t help but grab myself a scoop (even if I might be lactose lol). Dia was particularly quiet/er at the meal, to which I felt she was — ha, getting so “deep in my own head” (cue “Koala”).

This chill moment and time may have been one of my favorite parts and moments shared with the band, just because I was getting into the hang of and settling into tour and doing merch, and also loosening up a little around them (ha)!

That night was a big night, though. All of their music friends, industry friends and Dia’s actor friends were swinging by. Was a big night for new daddy Mike Kaminsky, who pretty much first opened myself up to getting to know the band better in my college days. Khalif helped lug some boxes in for us and unpack the last-minute merch that arrived for us. That merch corner became a bit chaotic and we threw the merch out like flies!

It’s nice to share conversations with fans who have grown up listening to them, eager to buy merch and support a little band who has been through it and getting back on it. A memorable conversation came from Dia’s personal acting friend who raves about just how talented Dia is and she doesn’t even know it (maybe sounds familiar?) — how she gets down on herself so much but we all know how incredibly talented she is, and how much of a storyteller she is when she carries through song. (Oof! Was such a sweet moment I decided to record a mini video message from him to send to Dia, to which the audio unfortunately cut out, but appreciated anyway.)

Joya and I were starting to get into a good system of organization. I placed my geeky “:) or :(?” tip jar on the table to which people actually generously wanted to support.

A friend came by to the merch table and visited me after every set, saying, “I don’t really know these bands and only came because you posted about it, but they’re pretty cool.” He charmingly/awkwardly said hi and even told Meg and Dia themselves he came out just because of me. (Dia joked to me the next morning, “I think he was only awkward because of you, ’cause I was talking to him outside and he seemed chill…”) to which Joya joked as well. Huh, I don’t know what it is I do, I promise!

I enjoyed their set from above. Dante Basco bought me a drink as I fangirled to “Cardigan Weather” with AJ Rafael. As that night ended and I sweatily packed all of the merch and boxes back into the van, my roommate came as I gave her an extra ticket a fan had “gifted to me” (lol), I said bye to the band as we munched on their special Donut Friend “Nutmeg & Chia” donuts someone bought for us, and I hitched a ride.

“7 hour drive to San Fran venue tmrw! Load in at 4! We will leave at 8 am tmrw!” Dia texted the group, to which I replied with a “!!” because it was well past 1am and I had way too much adrenaline from the show and knew I was not sleeping. Ha! I could not wait to head up to San Francisco to see all my family and friends as I’ve been anticipating that show for a while. I slept at 4am that morning, packed my luggage for the weekend and got up just in time for the band to pick me up at 8am and deliver the van some salmon lox bagels for breakfast. Yum!

The slow drawls and hometown reunion in San Francisco

That drive. That slow morning. My lack of sleep and tired self still holding back my coughs. Was I even awake? Were we all even awake? What am I doing here? Wait, I’m seeing my family tonight? Shoot, I can’t believe they’re all coming!

“Do you have any more people you want to add to the list?” Dia asked.

I gave her a few more names of my friends (definitely all high school) who wanted to come out.

“Wow, I’m so tired and I’m so excited my family and friends are coming out, but I physically can’t show my excitement!” I frustratingly said in my head, as my mind was running a million different directions that day.

This was probably the day I got the most in my own head (to which Meg comfortingly added on the road, “I get like that sometimes too and sometimes I need to remind myself — I hold my body and just breathe for 30 minutes to get back in touch with myself”).

As the night approached, my mom walked over from work in the city to visit me at the venue, and I showed her the merch table, the venue, my clothes and luggage… ha! I introduced her to Carlo and Dia as they did their soundcheck. Showtime wasn’t going to be until 11pm that night (wowzers!) as we all tried to stay awake until then. (Friday nights in SF with a live DJ to follow afterward. “Are we dancing tonight?!” we joked.) Joya and I proceeded to walk around, as I wanted to get some “fresh air” outside of the venue and just “walk and talk it out,” as we both had some nerves that day (haha). I went outside to visit my brother and other Meg & Dia boardies who were anticipating the show and asking, “Wow how’s merch life Rachel?!” Nick even joked to me, “Y’all are a heavy crew,” saying anyone would be intimidated to approach, Meg, Dia, Joya and me at the table. 😂 (“But I’m the nicest person!” I explained.)

What a night. As Meg and Dia did their meet-and-greets with fans after the show, signing merch and sharing conversations, they waited until every last fan. It was soon to be 1:30am and we had to get OUT! I proceeded to help pack up the merch into the van, as Meg and Dia themselves helped in the process.

I have to say… It was absolutely admirable to see them sucking it up, picking up the boxes and racking them on top of each other with no complaints or hesitancy. As pros who have been doing this since they were teens, it was absolutely humbling to see them just get up and do the dirty work. Dia talking and checking in with venue managers, as managers would go, “You guys don’t have a manager?” Meg would go and settle merch at the end of the night. They upkept inventory and as we got into the van to drive to the hotel that night, Dia drove the big a** van 30 minutes to the hotel on probably pure tour/performance exhaustion, and miraculously fit into the tiniest of parking spaces, as we checked into the hotel at 3am and all lacking sleep as we just drove up and played LA the night before and somehow managed to make it here… Meg, Dia, Joya and I shared the room and we took our showers and slept like babies.

“Let’s request a late check-out,” Dia said, as we all slept soundly. “That’s the latest Meg ever slept in!” as the early bird she was.

Strolling basketball games and man-hunting with the Framptons

Carlo had flown out that night/morning at 4am to make it to baby Leon’s birthday (absolutely the most adorable kid, I have to say!). It was then just the five of us that day, while Meg and Dia would play a short acoustic set. We had a nice weekend’s day on the road to just enjoy the summer sun and “chill.”

We went back to the amazing Souvla, one of my favorite restaurants in Hayes Valley. Wandered around and window-shopped. I bought an egg-crown-children’s-book plush stuffed toy thingy with the saying, “What would you do with an idea?” Dia bought a watermelon plush as well (lol). I’m not sure why, but my buying that whimsical crown egg was probably the one thing that made me smile the most on tour! It felt like a truly normal moment for me and just made me so happy (I forever have a little tour souvenir with a message that is so dear to my heart).

We arrived to the ISA TV charity basketball game mid-afternoon, as the entire Asian-American community in LA seemed to be there too.

“4000+ people?!” I said in amazement, as the girls were to play a halftime show in front of all these fans.

We set up merch, had some food, checked into our rooms and hung out. Dia tried to manhunt for Meg, as Khalif pointed out to Dia that someone was asking, “Who’s the girl in the yoga pants?” referring to me. Ha! We all shared glances and little, “Hmm..” judging if these were our “types.” 😂 (Ha, I have to say. It’s so refreshing to just have girl talk and feel like I have sisters on the road! As I’ve always been surrounded by boys and my brothers, I love having this kind of silly sister talk where I can openly talk about these boy situations, ha!)

These girls are incredibly responsible on tour, and for good reason. Meg shared some horror tour stories in the past while on the road — how Leslie got stranded at a gas station when they were on their way to a hotel at 2am in the morning — and I’m sure they’ve already had their days and wild nights on tour. As they’re back as a band together on the road after eight years, it’s kind of cool to get an insider look from these “sisters I never had,” seeing how calm the road can be, how incredibly “normal” yet abnormal tour life can be, despite all other assumptions about tour life. (I’m glad I had a completely comfortable time on tour, and wasn’t as uncomfortable as I had initially expected!)

In hindsight

It was a few days that had gone by so fast. And as the band headed straight to an airport when we arrived back in LA, I bid them adieu. And, I kind of missed it already…

It felt so good to be back home, to rest and properly heal up… but, with them on the road felt like a nice break and I could see how this could be life. (Definitely not something to do every day for your life, because at some point you could lose touch of reality and home, ha!) but… throughout it all, it was a lovely experience and time. And what a crazy way to cap off my journey with this little small-town band, from a girl at 13 who saw two girls who look like me playing rock music on the MySpace front page, to eventually growing an uncanny relation to them… I owe a lot to them for finding my voice, my self, my writing and my music throughout my adolescence since 13… and 13 years later, to be joining them on the road just to help. What an honor.

Some “after tour” stories may be entertaining, but I’ll save that for another time… But, when you post an at-home selfie with an actively writing caption, and forget you’re now Facebook friends with someone you’ve listened to for so long, and they see and “like” that said photo… That’s almost a little embarrassing! But it’s also a little comforting at the same time…

“I see you,” it says.

What a concept I thought would’ve never been true.

Follow Meg & Dia on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Spotify.

And view their videos from San Diego (here), Los Angeles (here) and San Francisco (here). (Did you get that? Ha!)

View this post on Instagram

#tourdiaries pt. 2 A couple photos I took on the road with @meganddiamusic during their West Coast California #happysadtour reunion this past week. What an honor it has been to join them day in and day out on tour! I learned so much and have come to admire and respect the work the Framptons put into pulling a tour together all on their own — from driving a van all themselves, dealing with venue managers all themselves, getting the band together on time, all themselves, and cruise control — ha! Seeing how seasoned pros do it with such a humility has been so lovely. It was a lot to absorb for little ole me tagging along a band who has amounted to so much for me. But that was fun. Thank you @diaframpton @megframpton @thecza @omfgrant @joyacamaisa for the hospitality! Til next time. #meganddia #happysad #tbt #throwback #aboutlastweek #westcoast #california #californiatour #travel #traveldiaries #photography #livemusic #concert #rachelannc

A post shared by Rachel Ann Cauilan (@rachelcansea) on Sep 26, 2019 at 2:34pm PDT

My Life as a Roadie with Meg & Dia on the California ‘Happysad’ Tour "Woke up this morning with the weirdest case of the butterflies," I wrote that Tuesday morning on my phone.

[durm-ff]

Is That So?

hey @lbucheli ! finally finished your one shot! hope you like it!! i’m not a dybala girl so I did have to think a lot about it and look at a ton of pictures of him, but i hope i did justice to your request and still like it! 

the first bit of the shot might not be the strongest one, but i can surely say it is going up throughout the whole piece ;). hope you guys will enjoy it!

‘Be quick. If it’s an expired parking ticket to which you reacted as ‘Son of a bitch!’ in front of a cop, I’m not gonna save your butt again.’ – I said as I picked up the phone.

‘Watch it Leu, you’re talking to a Coppa Italia winner.’ – I heard Paulo’s voice, with a strong Spanish accent.

‘Is that so?’ – I teased him further, knowing damn well Juventus just won it, making it an amazing season for them. Still, exploiting my position as associate attorney always got the best of me, and I couldn’t let these chances go. What are best friends for?

‘You know, you’re getting less funny every day!’ – I heard him say, well, shout basically, as he was probably still in the locker room, celebrating. I shook my head laughing, even though he couldn’t see me.

‘Congratulations Paulo’ – I said and I really did mean it. It was a rare moment of our friendship. ‘Oh, nooo. No, no. Leu, you’re freaking me out. Just call me a dumbass or something.’ ‘Geez, now that wouldn’t be any fun. You already know you’re an idiot. I do mean it. Now go celebrate with what’s-her-face.’ – I said, hinting at his girlfriend, friend with benefit, booty call, whatever you want to name it.

‘Who? Oh, right. Giulia. No, that’s fine, she’s somewhere out with her friends.’ – he said casually and as if he could read my mind told me not to roll my eyes. Dammit. We’re too close. ‘You’re still coming to the celebration right?’

Every year, there was an end-of-the-season party for the whole club, including managers, trainers, doctors, legal advisors, etc. This year, winning the Coppa Italia, Juventus was going to put out. Big time. It was a great opportunity to see our clients crumble down the lane of dignity, getting wasted for one time before national duties kicked in. In addition, you could get the latest gossip as well.

-

Being part of the legal team of Juventus didn’t really make me yearn for gossip. We either knew the facts already, or we were paying to God to not have a slip between drunk people on a night like this. Otherwise the hungover legal team (as we were all invited of course) would have to take care of it all the next day.

Being part of the I’m-twenty-three-years-old-I-should-be-partying-but-these-skinny-girlfriends/models-are-not-the-company-I’m-looking-for group, however, made me yearn for a person with even semi-high IQ and something interesting to say. At times, that was Paulo, making me laugh, or annoying me with his phone calls after long days, but at other times, like now, he was up there dancing with what’s-her-face, while I was sipping on watered down Martini. Great.

Part of me rolled her eyes at superficial people all the time, but part of me was one of those superficial people, being slightly jealous of what’s-her-face; having to spend time with Paulo was a privilege. Okay, kind of. We were the same age, and being best friends was great, but while sitting at the table, I wish he would have been there with me. Not skanking it out with someone he will probably dump soon.

I’m fine.

I was just surrounded by my fellow associates, all being above thirty, talking about their kids, about work, all that boring stuff. Even though this activity was all kinds of uplifting and I really wanted to take part (not), I ordered another Martini instead, grabbed the hem of my dress, and headed to the rooftop.

To make sure I could get back inside, I put a brick next to the door, which could only be opened from the inside, and stepped onto the roof. Piazza San Carlo lay in front of me, while I could see all the lights from the rest of the city.

Always a fan of rooftops, pretty views, summer nights, and summer air, I inhaled deeply, then exhaled. Resting on the fence next to the edge allowed me to rest and to observe the city from above.

‘Was it getting too fun downstairs?’ – I heard from behind and immediately recognized that voice. There’s only one man that speaks Italian with this kind of Spanish accent. Paulo. ‘I bet you just needed a break from all that laughing with the other lawyers about documents, cases, accountants, what not…’ – I looked around and sighed. ‘Not your greatest punch line.’

His smirk settled on his face and he stood next to me. ‘Everything alright?’ ‘Yeah, I just realized that I’m the most boring twenty three year old lawyer there’s ever been.’ – I shrugged. ‘Correction: I am not boring, my job is, can’t believe I just dissed myself. But it pays well, plus I get to suck your stupid face’s blood all the time. Which is occasionally fun.’ – I winked at Paulo.

‘My absolute pleasure, Leu.’ – he stood up straight and adjusted his blazer, with a smug look on his face. ‘You’re unbelievable.’ – I smiled at him. ‘Does everyone really fall for this?’ – I was thinking out loud. ‘Well, you know the answer. I can show you who’s falling for it. Or just read out my contacts.’ ‘Alright, dude, slow down. Gross.’ – I laughed.

He finally rested his hands on the fence too and looked around. His hair was not stiff anymore from the gel, locks were hanging into his face, and his blue eyes were still visible.

‘So what’s the deal with what’s-her-face?’ – I turned to him. ‘God dammit, can you please stop calling her like that?’ ‘Why, what’s the point in remembering her name if a new one is going to show up in a matter of days?’

‘Alright. I’m sorry.’ – I said. ‘No, you’re not.’ ‘Okay, I’m not. But still, tell me. Is it worth it for me to learn her name?’ – I raised my eyebrows and knew that I won.

‘Okay, it’s not, no.’ – he sighed and while I won, he didn’t look fine. He looked like he cared about this, not necessarily about her, but about something around this issue. He looked upset.

‘Hey! What’s with your face now? What’s this frown?’ – I poked his cheek while he tried to stop me. ‘Gosh, you’re like a five year old, Leu.’ – he said and I laughed. ‘Are you unhappy? Is what’s-her-face not treating you right?’ – I said in in a baby voice.

‘I don’t care enough about her to think about that, okay?’ – he hissed and I backed off. I wanted to say ‘woah’ but I figured for once it wouldn’t hurt to keep my mouth shut.

‘Then…break up with her?’ – I spoke with caution and kept looking directly at him. ‘Yeah. But that’s just it. Then I’ll still be without that someone. That…person that I want? Everyone that I meet is like her. There’s no chance to find someone like..’ he sighed and trailed off without finishing the sentence. Then he glanced at me.

I tried to get something out of his eyes, try to find out what he was thinking, and although I’ve known him for a long time, and therefore have experienced some of his sad moments, I couldn’t place this look of his anywhere. It was weird.

He was still looking at me and to break the ice I joked ‘Someone like me?’ to which he looked at me in disbelief and I finally saw a flash of smile on his face. ‘Uh…’ – he tried to say something but didn’t. Oh my God. ‘No, of course not. Pf.’ – he tried to shake it off and looked towards the city skyline. ‘Oh my God! It’s totally me! You want your best friend. How lame is that?’ – I teased him because a; I still couldn’t believe it, b; it could still be false, so I didn’t want to look like an idiot, and c; because this was too good of an opportunity to make fun of him.

‘What about you then? You’ve been asking too much about Giulia. One might think you’re jealous.’ – he raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms on his chest. ‘Me? Jealous?’ – I gasped very obviously, because this was too funny to even think about. Okay, maybe it wasn’t that funny. But it was unheard of to say.

I glanced at him and when he glanced back, we both looked away, with arms on our chest. ‘That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.’ ‘I said.’ ‘Couldn’t agree more about your unbelievable accusation of my feelings.’ – he nodded.  ‘It’s settled then.’ ‘Yup.’

And there we were. Too stubborn once again. I wasn’t going to admit anything. Because even though I felt the things he explained and I was in fact jealous, it was only when he said it out loud that it clicked in my mind. And as stupid as it sounds, I wasn’t going to let him “win”. That’s what we were. Stubborn, and most of all, competitive.

‘So, uh, I’ll go back inside. Dance with what’s-her-face, maybe she’s nice.’ – I’ve shrugged. I figured neither of us would give in so teasing each other for a little while longer (or for eternity) seemed reasonable. ‘I’ll ask her all the embarrassing habits you might have in the bedroom. Everything else I already know.’ – I said and was already walking towards the door.

‘Oh, no, no, no. No way.’ – he grabbed my arm and pulled me back. ‘You stay here and behave.’ I stepped back next to him and we turned to face each other. Once again, I saw those blue eyes, the undone hair and the loose shirt with the tie. I hated to admit that I did like all of these features. Especially the facial features.

He did not break eye contact. After a few seconds he spoke up. ‘Leucotela, I’m going to be the bigger person here.’ – he took a deep breath. ‘If you admit it, I’ll do it too.’ I hesitated for a second too long before protesting, as my usual self would do, so I had no way to make my words seem powerful. ‘I, uh..no, you’re uhh..wrong.’

‘Is that so?’ – he raised his eyebrows and had such an annoying smirk on his face, citing my words back to me that I regained my power and opened my mouth. ‘Alright, no, that’s no-‘ I wanted to continue but he shut me up by kissing me. And although I’m a firm believer of ‘let the girl talk, don’t shut her up by kissing her’, this situation was slightly different. I wanted it to happen.

I finally uncrossed my arms and put them on his torso. I let go. I finally gave in and even though I didn’t say it out loud, I thought it all along. Kissing him was better than making fun of him. Now I got to do both.

[sierrabinondo]

my first tour.

i’m currently sitting in a ford e350 riding down I-95 back to new jersey, to hurriedly clean out the rental van we took for my band’s first tour ever and drop it off at bandago. we’ve been up since 8:30 am, not an unusual time for us, but we’re running on about 5-6 hours of sleep. that’s the average amount of sleep we’ve been able to squeeze in every night of tour. nine nights straight away from home, a gig almost every night. and of course, as physically exhausting as it was, it was a week that changed us and challenged ourselves as musicians.

8/12 - asbury park, nj

day one was our jersey hometown show in asbury. boy it was stressful at first, and absolutely sweltering outside from the humidity. i was so stressed because i was in a panic (when aren’t i lol) dealing with a sinus infection. anyone who knows me knows i’m a nervous wreck. i am a perfectionist, and i loathe not performing at my best; i try really hard to be perfect. i was flushing out my sinuses every hour and inhaling my humidifier that resembles a mini-nutri bullet if they came in white and also had a vaporizer tank inside. i looked pretty ridiculous sitting behind merch like this but i wasn’t taking any chances. i needed to take whatever measures i could possible to avoid a poor performance. there were a good amount of friends and people who came out to support us and i didn’t want to let them down. i was also really excited to see funeral attire, the band we went on tour with, and for people to see the progress we made in the month and a half we took to rigorously prepare for tour.

the asbury show ended up being really great, and a couple people said it was the best they’ve ever seen us. i felt overjoyed to hear such awesome feedback. i was also just really happy i could get our tourmates and close friends in funeral attire a show in asbury park. we sold out of pretty much all of our ramen shirts, which i was hoping to save for the rest of tour, but we ended up having enough to sell at least one ramen shirt a day to somebody. it was also really cool seeing like five people walking around the venue with ramen shirts on lmao

8/13 - long island, ny

and so our week of tour began- my sinus infection lessened but it persisted. the next day was long island, and we were looking forward to reuniting with our friends in i dreamt the sea who graciously put the show together for us. all of tour, whenever we played a bar with a juke box i spent $2 to play “smooth” by carlos santana featuring rob thomas and it was worth the allocated cost of $4 for all of tour. the show was a ton of fun. however i strangely sang worse than i did the day before- which was weird, and frustrating, since i felt the symptoms of my sinus infection less than i had in asbury. i was extremely upset. but i was surrounded by friends and i tried really hard to put on a brave face. all the bands we played with were super nice and liked us a lot, we made new friends and people who came out to the show dug us a lot too. we finally got to gig with u blue who are also a blue swan-eque band. so i guess even though i sucked, we did something right.

as we were getting ready to leave to go crash at my close friend jenni’s house in bellimore, our van’s battery died. bandago mentioned when we picked up our van earlier in the day that the battery had died the day before, but all they advised was that we drive the van around for a half hour or more once we began our rental. they didn’t mention anything about being wary of the battery beyond that. kelly and cassidy straight up saved us and gave us a super quick jump, and we were on our way finally. jenni was the first friend we crashed with and she really treated us to a nice sleep and some delicious bagels. so glad i could get to see her for the first time in a while too.

8/14 - nazareth, pa

the next day we headed out as quickly as possible to make our way to PA. something i feared on this tour was that we would lose our personal belongings, or have something stolen from us. this did happen - our tour photographer julie’s power strip was stolen in long island. fortunately, we were able to help her replace it. what had happened as we arrived to PA and stopped at walmart, was that i magically lost my phone somewhere between holding it in my hand walking out of the store, and sitting down to leave for our hotel. i was pretty much convinced it was gone or stolen. we ripped apart the entire van to try to find it, ran back inside walmart to see if i put it down somewhere, and even walked back to a spot we had the van parked in for a few minutes. i was convinced i was going to spend all of tour without a goddamn phone. and then, it occurred to me- maybe check… the garbage? and christ almighty. in a swath of basura juice, there was my phone. i ran back inside walmart to scrub the SHIT out of the case and carefully wash the phone itself and we finally made our way to check in at the days hotel in allentown, PA.

seriously- if you have a band of 5+ people, and/or if you are willing to spare the expense, buy hotel rooms for whatever nights you don’t have somewhere to crash for free any night of tour. i realize this isn’t feasible for 2+ week stints, or for people who literally do this for a living, but it was amazing to have beds to sleep in and free breakfast every morning for about $12-$15 a person. i actually don’t know if we would have been as healthy and happy without having that convenience. hotwire was how chris donis from funeral attire and i booked rooms, and the rates started at about $60 plus fees and tax per night. and it was fun crashing in hotels.

we met up with our friends in funeral attire and ethan from whittled down who was doing merch for most of the tour for a quick swim before the show in nazareth. we love hanging out with those guys. my obnoxious laugh is probably amplified by 10 dB just being around them. seriously almost pissed myself laughing in the pool because the guys were playing chicken and then ethan was doing kick flips into the pool with the life-saving device hanging by the pool the size of a massive surfboard. but POOL TIME was over around 3:30 pm because we had to get ready to head to the next venue, which was stehly’s bakery in nazareth a town over.

playing stehly’s was sick. small place, but they give each band member at least one free treat of some sort. i got a couple kiffles- little pastry dough roll-ups filled with fruit jellies- they were soooo cute and so good. i also caved to a helping of six potato and onion pierogies after the show. the only concerning thing was that after the first band jetsam played - awesome instrumental prog doom band - we soon realized that the show didn’t have a sound guy. there was a small PA set up, and we had mics and mic stands missing. the confusion pushed us quite a bit behind schedule but enough people at the show were resourceful and helpful enough to keep the show moving. i felt like i didn’t play an awesome set, and we also had some technical difficulties with our click track/Interlude mixer, but the funeral attire guys still had very nice things to say about us, so i trust them haha.

i was frustrated with how i totally blew my performance in long island, when we had a decent amount of people watching us, and then had a great show the next day. i actually don’t care about playing to a room of few people; i consider any opportunity to play to any amount of people of equal worth to another. so when i blow one show but not the other, i feel regret for not winning over potential fans we could have had, had i just been a better vocalist.

8/15 - philadelphia, pa

so then imagine my absolute blind rage, when we played the barbary in philly the next day, and we played our worst show all of tour. we were truly looking forward to this show and we were so devastated afterwards. my top most anticipated three shows were asbury, philly and cambridge. we love playing philly, we had some great bands on this bill we like a lot, and we actually had people coming out for us.

we were just making sure that the band on before us had almost all their gear off before we could load on, it was a really small stage. but the sound guy beckoned for us over the PA to start loading on regardless. we barely got a line check and it set the precedent for the whole set. ryan was starting to have volume issues with the volume levels on the mixer, and then because our individual levels were out of whack one of us would be louder than the other, or too loud to hear the drums. it was a straight up mess. and i didn’t know if we would win over anyone at the show anyways, but i just wanted to play well enough to have their respect. i put a lot of pressure on ourselves. i put a lot of pressure on myself.

when i have a bad set and i can’t deal with the disappointment i tend to shut down. even if i try my absolute best, even if people tell us we were still good - i just, i don’t believe them. it feels like they’re just being polite or i’m being lied to. it’s pretty pathetic of myself and sad; it’s something i need to work on. i actually wrote the small verse of lyrics in the intro of this tour about that. i just don’t think with all the experience of singing and performing i have that error is excusable anymore. after taking my best friend laura to her car i started chugging alcohol. i told myself before tour i wouldn’t drink until the last day to keep my throat in a healthy condition - whoops. i was so pissed i didn’t care and we had the next day off anyways; figured if i chugged water before bed i’d be fine. and i was right.

even when we had bad shows, my favorite perk each night was just getting to see funeral attire play every night. their song “joy” is one of my favorite all-time songs. the drowned god, blueroom and flowercrown were awesome too. oh! and a super fun thing we did was place enormous orders for cheesesteaks and had them delivered to the venue. we got guest lists this show and two free drink tickets each too. not gonna lie, it felt cool haha. we also explored a bit and FINALLY did our nine month-overdue interview with our friend brandon from audio addiction.

8/16 - day off at delaware water gap, days hotel in allentown, pa 

the next day, our day off, marked the halfway point for our tour. the original plan was hershey, but we did delaware water gap instead. it was a much better plan. we started the day with the whole tour together at cracker barrel. we then started to head up to delaware water gap, specifically milford, PA to check out hackers falls and milford beach. this day started out as absolute dog shit for me because i was dealing with a kinda heavy personal issue at home. didn’t anticipate i’d have anything to worry about in this regard, and my mental health has been worsening over the course of this year. so imagine at this point how hard it was for me to hide behind my hair and not be upset the whole morning. i’m also a horrible liar so i was fucked if i wanted to lie and say it was seasonal allergies fucking up my face lmfao

on top of that, we were super behind schedule for del water gap. we were all supposed to go jump in the waterfalls together, but we couldn’t find the specific waterfall we wanted to jump in. and the one we did find, the one i sort of swam in, it turned out that the trail to the bottom of the waterfall was closed off- which i believe had a more ideal swimming hole-type area. oh! and the worst part! we kept forgetting funeral attire had a commercial van for this tour. and one of the roads linked to where we were, PA-209, doesn’t allow commercial vehicles to travel through. so on top of me dealing with shit at home and now feeling like i was immensely inconveniencing my friends, i felt like an asshole. on my fucking day off lmao

but to my pleasant surprise it ended up being fine, and insanely fun. funeral attire didn’t get to chill at the waterfall with us but we made our way to milford beach and hung out there for the remainder of the day. thank god it was still open we didn’t get there until 5:30 pm. a bunch of us were swimming, couple of the guys just read or laid in the grass, and a few of the guys were throwing around a baseball. some of them swam across the river and back, the other side of the river was new jersey haha.

that night we got together to drink VERY heavily and hang out. that was probably one of my favorite highlights of the tour. at this point i was feeling much better. i shared a fat bottle of some pink moscato with julie. by the way, it was so sick having another girl on tour. not just because julie is talented but is also a great friend and was just an awesome presence to have for the week. her and donis helped me a lot on this day, if it wasn’t for them i don’t know i would have gotten through it.

my band partied hard for the first night all tour. funeral attire has the absolute strength and stomachs to drink most nights and then still play amazing sets every day- we’re not there at least not yet haha. holy fuck i made it halfway through this post and haven’t mentioned TIKI TIME??? TIKI TIM???

so funeral attire kept a couple sweet luau decorations from the long island venue hahaha and one of them said tiki time- can’t say i can truly encapsulate what tiki time is in a short explanation. tiki time was when we drank, but tiki time was also sort of the entire tour??? so i might be beat for explaining it well haha.

so we got super drunk and sang to old fueled by ramen/myspace emo bands, and my bandmate jaime and i played a four-way battle of magic the gathering with frankie and fez from funeral attire. i had my ass handed to me but i’m still learning anyways, it was fun regardless. it was really cool getting to know the guys in funeral attire better, i was already pretty close with donis but i feel like i got the chance to actually talk and hang with everyone.

arguably one of the funniest moments on tour - my bandmate joe got absolutely TRASHED. he somehow managed to get lost lmao or jaime had to escort him back to our hotel room late in the night. and even after joe was safe with us he woke up at 6 in the morning when housekeeping came walking in so he got up to shoo them away hahaha and THEN- he PANICKED because he realized he didn’t take a room key when he walked out the room and shut the door HAHA so he called ALL of us SEVEN times, he also accidentally called the jam room in howelll LMAO and finally as he’s on the phone with our friend ed, ed was just like “ask for help” so joe pulled aside an employee. and as that employee was approaching to help and joe turned the door knob, the door OPENED. the poor kid was sooo hung over the entire next day.

8/17 - brooklyn, ny

the second half of tour began with our drive out to brooklyn and nursing poor joe back to health. both bands arrived to brooklyn around the same time. we briefly went to a dog park, and then went to a big thrift shop where bren bought the sickest light pink leather jacket. after about an hour or so of walking around, we realized we were out of ideas of shit to do until showtime in about eight hours. we were all hungry as hell, but half of us wanted ramen or pizza. so we split up - my bandmates went to pizza, and julie and i went to ramen with funeral attire and ethan. we went to zamurai ramen which was absolutely fantastic. the prices were reasonable, too.

muchmore’s was a cool spot- a handful of my good friends came out too, it was awesome to see them and have some comfort from familiar faces. bartees cox jr was one of my most anticipated artists we were to play with on tour, and just, wow. originally his whole band stay inside was to play, but when he could only play solo i knew in my gut i still needed him on the show. what an exemplary musician of genuine talent, he truly stole the show. his voice, god. some people just sing, and some people make you feel by way of singing- i truly felt what he was singing. it’s people like him that inspire me.

well UNFORTUNATELY, i blew it at this show again too. and it felt horrible for me, considering my bandmates still played well and we promised we wouldn’t let the philly set happen again. i hate when i encourage everyone to play their best but can’t even set a good precedent for everyone. i was insanely upset, but i suppressed the urge to despair. 

after the show we crashed with jaime’s friends tim and erica who - holy shit - really pulled out all the stops for us. we had to pay $79 to park the van in the city, but even in a small lower manhattan apartment they were able to make us feel so goddamn comfortable. beds for everyone, a dinner table set for all of us and incredibly nice wine. i wasn’t going to eat but holy shit i COULD NOT turn down what tim made for us - this like, primavera white wine bowtie pasta and some DUMB thicc succulent pork. holy shit it was some of the best pork i have ever had. they also gave us breakfast for the next morning. what ANGELS

8/18 - manchester, nh

as we awoke we geared up for what would be our longest drive all tour - manhattan to manchester, new hampshire. we had at least six hours of driving to kill in time for load in at 5. we took this opportunity to watch selena- aka one of the best movies ever. the rain all day was real inconvenient, but we were excited to now be in funeral attire’s neck of the woods- new england that is. this also meant we were in the final stretch of tour; the dread was starting to set in.

this show ended up being one of our favorites. we had an enormous stage! it was fun to perform on and i felt like i personally had a great performance. it was cool to look around and see my bandmates looking super content and as into it as i was. the bands we played with were all awesome, we also played with a cool touring package (glass half empty and crafter). i was so excited to check out pinnacle, i really love their sound and their vocalist is so sick. damnit i just remembered i forgot to buy a shirt from pinnacle. I DIGRESS-

so funeral attire showed us mr. mac’s in manchester, a spot with over a dozen kinds of mac and cheese. i wanted to get the lobster one but i ended up getting jalapeño cheddar. woooOOOOOOOW it was GOOD - but of course i could only eat a little bit due to the fact i had to sing and also, milk products and my body are not a good mix anymore :—–) so i saved the rest for later and ate some while watching funeral attire’s set hahaha. julie got the carbonara which had like three different white cheeses and bacon, i almost got that one originally but we both just swapped bites. hiiiighly recommend going if you’re ever playing bungalow bar and grill or going to a show there!

8/19 - cambridge, ma

our second-to-last show was in cambridge, MA- it’s like boston’s brooklyn. rob kindly put us up for the night in his basement, and after we packed up we went to explore cambridge. to my very nice and pleasant surprise there was a GODDAMN H MART - an asian supermarket - with a food court. so we ate lunch there! i got a poké bowl, couple of the guys got ramen and sushi, and julie had this amazing dark curry. we also tried café nero, really great coffee/espresso spot that is also a chain and i straight up just had no idea. there was a bao place (super soft dumplings, kinda look like lil sandwiches) next door that julie and i grabbed baos to eat at. i got the MIT and- oh christ i forget the name of the other one- but the MIT had lamb, lettuce, sesame seeds, pickled onions and spicy mayo, and the other had most of the same ingredients but with crispy tofu. soooo delicious. the guys also bought a couple records at a shop across the street from the venue.

the venue we played was out of the blue too art gallery, an art gallery that hosts shows. AND THEY HAD AN ALASKAN MALAMUTE WALKING AROUND NAMED XO. the biggest malamute i’ve ever seen, xo was so cute. had colored feathers in her fur too. this show was funeral attire’s hometown show, so we met a lot of the musicians they’re most friendly with and they were all so kind. i wanted to get oldsoul on the show so badly and donis and jess from oldsoul made it happen, just such a wonderful band. i got hooked on em from their litter box sessions, jess has such an incredible voice. and the best part was they were all so nice, ugh. rainsound and newfield were awesome too, we got to talk to the rainsound guys a good amount. i didn’t do so hot this night - i hit a difficult note but still botched a bunch of other things - but honestly i was having such a great night so it didn’t even matter. and it was cool to see people who love funeral attire as much as i do singing the words.

8/20 - attleboro, ma

for the last night of tour frankie put us up, we left his place around noon to go back to café nero and get coffee and breakfast before checking in to our last hotel. by chance, hotelwire’s best deal was the holiday inn in mansfield, MA and holy SHIT- they upgraded our room so that we had a sofa with a pull out bed AND THE ROOM WAS MASSIVE. it was bigger than my boyfriend’s apartment in asbury park. two fluffy queen sized beds, that sofa bed, huge flat screen TV, spacious bathroom AND the sliding door in the room gave access right to the pool and jacuzzi area. we went for a quick dip in the jacuzzi and swam before we each had to quickly take real actually showers for the first time in two days. we managed to all somehow get ready within less than two hours and make it in time for load in at 5 pm, doors were at 6 pm

the last venue was cool - it was another art gallery, patterson creations. it was really nice and brand new inside. after both us and funeral attire loaded in we still didn’t have set time info, but going by the event page we assumed we at least were going on third - so minus jaime and ryan who already grabbed pizza across the street from the venue, we drove to north providence quickly to get hot dogs at olneyville new york system. it’s funeral attire’s favorite place to get hot dogs. we all pretty much ordered the way they do which is two hot dogs all the way, that comes with ground beef, mustard, celery salt and onions. i was hesitant to get two hot dogs but i was glad i did, because the one definitely wouldn’t have been enough. well, i WAS glad i did, until i got a very unpleasant phone call ha ha ha

jaime calls me as everyone is still finishing their food, and he says- “the door guy just approached me and said that… you guys need to get back here because we’re supposed to go on second.” holy shit i YELLED lmao. somehow, every other band but us and funeral attire got schedules, and we were supposed to go on at 7:05!!! it was 6:25 when jaime called me and we were twenty minutes away!!!

we quickly settled our bills and donis took me, my bandmates and julie back to the venue right away. we tried to get bands to switch but they couldn’t. thankfully the promoter was able to swap us with another band, so we had some additional time to get ready. i knew the promoter wouldn’t have done that to us out of malice, super nice guy. i had just wished we had the info prior to doors. we never go out for food if we know we have to play extremely soon. i don’t even eat less than three hours before i sing. i was losing my goddamn mind afraid of blowing our set on the last day of tour.

and i diiiiid ha ha ha as great as we started out, i blew almost the entire set. everyone also lost each other a couple times. because of the fear of fucking up royally we also completely abandoned the mixer for the interlude tracks, which we had to do several times over the course of tour. however usually we’d keep it hooked up so that ryan could hear the clicks, this time we didn’t use them at all but ryan’s tempo was still fine.

i was devastated our last set of tour went the way it did and i just couldn’t suppress the disappointment this time. i immediately inhaled a glass of wine at the bar and disappeared for a bit. as grateful and proud i was that we had just finished our first tour ever, i felt an overwhelming sense of failure. if i’m not consistently performing every night, am i fit to do this long term? am i costing the progress of our band? i worked so hard to be the best i could before we left. extra band practices and singing lessons. i did my best to proactively be aware of breathing technique while singing. is this just not in the cards for me? am i wasting my time and my bandmates time? it’s not a waste of time if it’s something i love, but am i an idiot to keep going? i know change doesn’t happen overnight, but i’ve been at this for so goddamn long now. even if i had confidence on stage to mask any evidence of error, my imperfect performance is still up for criticism. and that’s fair. i’m just afraid i’m sabotaging my own band.

after i was done cradling a box of tissues and watching newfield, i gathered my bandmates and my friend ben (we actually met on this site years ago lmfao he’s from worcester nearby the venue) to go get shit to mix alcohol with for after the show. i was also insanely depressed that funeral attire had to go home right after the show for work early the next day, so no post-show celebratory hangs. we had this stupid huge hotel room to have tiki time in and no funeral attire, we could have fit all twelve of us so comfortably.

but the saving grace of the night was singing flowers with funeral attire. what a FUn number but in all seriousness, my second favorite funeral attire song. their split with i dreamt the sea, the split that song is from, is sooo great. that perked me up a lot. 

after we parted ways with funeral attire we picked up a fat order of taco bell and went back to the hotel to eat, sad drink and watch the lion king. we spent the night sitting around in our new funeral attire merch just shooting the shit, and drinking until we fell asleep. we were easily dreading going back home, but hopeful for what the fall will bring for us as a band and to get back to EP 3 planning.

i know we’ll get to do this again. i just hate that i don’t know when right now. had some pretty bad financial scares on the road, and felt so tired i passed out in the van constantly, but i could sincerely do this forever.

i guess i also should maybe attribute some credit to the fact that chris donis and i booked this tour without any help from any booking company. no guarantees but we at least got something every night. i really don’t know what i would have done without him. i also realized maybe i have more ability as someone in the industry than i think. i feel slightly more knowledgeable now.

now that we know what it’s like to be on the road gigging every night, we can be sooo much more prepared next time. and i’m hoping to redeem myself, and i hope i can be better than ever. jeremiah was right when i called him last night crying - i’m an infinitely better vocalist than i was a year ago. i just hope our progress as a band now is enough to show people we have what it takes.

[thotyssey]

On Point With: Blake McIver

Beginning his career as a child star with memorable roles in “Full House” and “The Little Rascals” reboot, this actor / writer / producer / director / singer / songwriter / ex-gogo boy has definitely sashayed his way into our hearts and minds. New Yorkers can enjoy a pair of performances from him this week at the Laurie Beechman Theatre: first covering a legend’s songbook in a solo show, then as a supporting player of a drag queen’s showcase that he’s directed. It’s the charming and talented Blake McIver Ewing!

Thotyssey: Hi Blake, thanks for talking to us! So, are you mad busy now with rehearsals and finishing touches on your two shows (Blake Sings Barbra and I Dream of Jackie), or are you comfortable with what you have down now for both of them?

Blake McIver: Well, I am admittedly a rehearsal addict, but I had to come back to LA for another show. So, we'll do a couple quick clean-ups before next weekend!

You've certainly been performing for nearly all of your life... have producing, writing and directing always been part of the equation as well? I've actually been directing for over a decade! I started a theatre company in Southern California at 19, and cut my teeth as a producing major during my time at UCLA. Writing came shortly thereafter, first with songwriting, and then it expanded from there! So are you pretty much open to a variety of projects, or do you have a pretty specific wheelhouse? I like wearing many different hats. It keeps my passion alive, and keeps me learning and constantly refining my skill set.

Are you still basically based out of California? I am still based out of LA. As much as I love my time in NYC, the West Coast is always home. I was born and raised in the heart of LA, which is very rare. I consider myself a unicorn, haha!

Unicorn indeed! You've had a long and amazing career as an actor, beginning with some choice gigs as a child star... including Derek from Full House, Michelle's adorable friend who slayed “Yankee Doodle Dandy” in his debut episode! When you're that young and that famous/successful, can you even fully understand what is going on... or is it just normal because that's all you know?

For me, it was just going into the family business at a young age. Both my parents have lifelong careers in entertainment, which meant that many of their friends were in the business as well. I went to regular school, with non-working kids in between gigs, so I was aware that my life wasn't exactly typical. But I wouldn't have traded it for the world.

Nor would your fans! I understand Derek was meant to be a one-time-only appearance, but that evolved into a beloved recurring role for several seasons.

You're right! Derek was supposed to be a one episode thing, that turned out to be three seasons of the show until it ended. It was a joy to be on that set every single time. It really was a cohesive family by the time I entered the cast, and they all made me feel right at home.

One fun part of Fuller House is seeing many of these supporting characters and their actors from the original show return as adults for cute cameos. It would be difficult without the Olsen Twins on board for this version, but would Derek stop by Fuller House if it were up to you?

YES! If it were up to me, Derek would definitely be the flamboyant show choir director at the School of the "new generation" kids! Have you noticed the show is so gay now? DJ and Stephanie are hitting on gay guys, and Kimmy's ex-husband is basically the New Trade. It's wonderful! Haha! That's awesome to hear. I have to be totally honest and tell you I haven't actually watched any of the reboot past the first episode! I know, sacrilegious! There's just only so many hours in the day, and I have so many Real Housewives franchises to keep up with! But I'm so glad people are loving it, and I hope it goes on and on.

Speaking of Housewives, you made appearances on a Bravo show a few years ago, "The People's Couch!" What was that experience like?

Well I have to say, when they pitched the show to us I thought, "Okay, we've officially reached the end of entertainment! You're making a show about people watching other shows on TV." Of course I hadn't yet seen the brilliant original British version, Gogglebox. And then when I saw the rough cut of the pilot, I was blown away with how fresh and funny it was. 

We really had the opportunity to engage in social commentary in a way I couldn't have predicted. Of course there was plenty of silliness along the way, but we did get to talk about some real issues on Bravo primetime, which I'm proud of.

Your album The Time Manipulator was such a diverse collection of songs and styles. 

Indeed! The Time Manipulator was intentionally stylistically diverse. It wasn't until I began writing music that I realized the diversity of my musical influences. Each track on that album represents a story from a moment in my life; some happy, painful, frustrating, etc. The narrative is quite dramatic, and I felt the genres really needed to serve the narrative. 

Of course, that's the last thing any record label wants to hear... which is why it was important for me to self produce / release the first one so that my un-diluted musical story is there.

That's the way to do it! Who would you consider some musical influences?

I'm inspired by everyone from The Beatles and Queen to Diana Ross, Carole King, Elton John, Antonio Carlos Jobim, to Gaga and Beyonce. I'm a real music nerd so if the melody and lyric meet a pure emotional intention, I'M IN! Do you have any plans for another recording? I do! I'm in the middle of a (much more musically cohesive) new EP that is inspired by my love of Motown, Blues, and Soul.

Right before recording The Time Manipulator, the internet-browsing public was alerted (thanks to Perez Hilton, I think) to the fact that you--a former child star!--were gogo dancing to fund its production, and the Thirst Pics were abound. You've already talked a lot about that experience with honest candor and charm, but I was wondering.. does being a stage and screen performer prepare you for gogo dancing at all, or is it a completely different animal?

The performative aspect of it definitely felt familiar to me. Performing for an audience has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. But does anything truly prepare you for shaking your moneymaker in a jock on a box? Not sure, lol! 

It was like playing a role to a degree. I had a character / persona in my head. He had a name and a personality that was admittedly bolder than my own. So I guess it kind of was like a fun acting gig. Def, and it paid! Is that also how you got to know people in nightlife, like promoters and drag queens, or did you already kinda know that crowd from just being a gay entertainer in LA? It all sort of happened simultaneously, in a beautiful way. Just as I was becoming more comfortable and free in my queer identity and expression, I was meeting wonderful queer artists and brilliant performers who challenged me artistically and mentally, which was really wonderful.

What's been your history as a stage performer in NYC?

Well, my NYC stage debut was as an honorary member of "The Broadway Kids" in the early 90s. I believe a Gavroche got sick before one of their big shows, and my friend Kathryn Zaremba (who was Lisa on Full House) was Annie Warbucks on Broadway. She said to the director, “my friend can learn this show in four days.” Before I knew it, I was singing and dancing alongside all these young Broadway vets who were very gracious to let the TV / Film brat come play with them! What's a dream role for you, as far as Broadway is concerned? Deena Jones in Dreamgirls. Which I realize is extremely problematic on every level, and will never and should NEVER, EVER happen.  

I wish that Disney could get it together and put Hunchback on Broadway. I would do just about anything to bring Quasi to the Broadway stage. Oh God that would be incredible!  

So I saw I Dream of Jackie during its initial run at the Laurie Beechman Theatre, starring NYC queen Jackie Cox, which you directed and also co-starred in. I absolutely loved it, it was cute and very funny, and even had sincere moments! How did you get involved with that show, which I’m happy to see returns to the Beechman on Sunday, August 20th?

I'm so glad you enjoyed IDOJ! It was such a joy bringing it to life. Jackie (aka Darius) has been my best friend since we met on day one of college at UCLA. We actually came up with the character of Jackie together, which is why I am referred to as her "Drag Father," hahaha! 

It worked out that my schedule opened up enough for me to be in NYC for the month of July, and I jumped at the chance to direct and choreograph the show. Can't wait to do it again next Sunday!

Amazing! Have you / would you ever try drag yourself, by the way?

I have very strong, angular features. Me in drag just looks like Idina MANzel.

Ha! Well, the night before IDOJ returns, the Beechman will see you solo on the stage for the return of your own hit cabaret revue, Blake Sings Barbra: The Concert! What role does Barbra Streisand's music play in your life, and what made you want to bring this show to the stage?

I've been captivated by Barbra since I first saw Funny Girl at 7 years old. But it wasn't until her 1994 comeback concert that I became completely obsessed. It was a crazy year for me: I was in my second season of Full House, I filmed The Little Rascals, and my parents’ house was destroyed in the Northridge earthquake. In the show, I take you through all these things via The Concert, which basically taught me everything I know about being a performer.

I've wanted to do this tribute show for many years, and finally sat down one day last year, during the tumult of election season, and wrote it all down.

Now that you mentioned The Little Rascals--where you play spoiled villain Waldo-- and the election, I have to quickly ask about how surreal it is that Donald Trump plays your Dad on the other end of a phone conversation in a brief cameo. That must be so surreal to process, nowadays.

It really is! And I tell the extended version of the story in my show. It becomes relevant at a certain point in the concert!  Intriguing! What's your favorite song to do in the show? I love the setlist from the concert so much, so it really changes with every audience. Last month I had some true 94 concert superfans in the audience, so during "The Way We Were" they were quoting her ad libs at me, then I quoted some back at them during the interlude, and we all screamed and it was a fabulous moment. I explained it all to the rest of the crowd after the song, haha!

Sounds like a remarkable experience, congratulations! Anything else coming up for you? Yes, in September I am directing and choreographing a tour for the wonderful cabaret and burlesque artist Ariana Savalas (of Postmodern Jukebox fame). I built the first version of her show last summer, and now it's expanding into a full Caburlesque extravaganza, which is so fun! And then I'll be back at the Beechman in October with two more shows! Excellent! So, lastly: what do you think The Little Rascals’ Waldo would be doing today, as an adult?

I feel like he'd be on a yacht in the South of France, spending his father's money as rapidly as humanly possible!

Sounds about right. Thanks, Blake!

Check Thotyssey’s calendar for Blake McIver’s scheduled NYC appearances. Follow him on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, YouTube and his own website.

On Point Archives

[batmaniskpopaf]

THAT’S NOT MY NAME!

BLESS YOU MY DEAR CHILDREN FOR REQUESTING <3333….. NOT GONNA LIE LOW KEY SO WHIPPED FOR JUNGKOOK … LIKE THAT LITTLE COCONUT HEAD NEEDS TO BE PROTECTED AND SPANKED LIKE GURLLL …..

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH THAT I’M SCREAMING XD…

A/N:ALSO THIS IS THAT ONE SMUT WHERE THAT BOY WHO CALLED ME A MONSTER GETS STABBED #NO REGRETS 

SO I DECIDED TO COMBINE BOTH OF THESE REQUESTS BC I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY AF …ALSO AFTER TALKING TO MY MAIN JUNGKOOK TRASH FRIEND @teasemekookie 

TYPE:HELLA SMUT/FUNNY BC I’M A JOKE AND A SLUT FOR JUNGKOOK CALLING ME BABY GIRL BC LET’S BE HONEST MY BOI IS FINE AS FUCK…

CHARACTERS: JUNGCOCK I MEAN JUNGKOOK X READER 

SUMMARY: YOUR FRIEND INVITES THE GUY SHE TRIED TO HOOK YOU UP WITH TO THE PARTY YOU’RE GOING TO TONIGHT. THERE IS ONLY ONE PROBLEM,YOU’VE ALREADY INVITED YOUR CRUSH AND FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD COCONUT HEAD JEON JUNGKOOK P.S. I SUCK AT SUMMARIES 

“Did you have to invite him?” You ask your friend… “Well, I mean no. But you invited some kid you used to babysit so can you really be mad?” … “First of all I did not babysit Jungkook! And second he’s a longtime friend not some douche bag we met a day ago at the bar!” your voice has gone up a few octaves and your friend winces… “Easy Tiger! You’ll scare the poor boy away" your friend adds… you turn to your left and see Jungkook emerge from the crowd… a familiar warmth spreads throughout your body as a large pair of dark chestnut eyes lock with your own…  “Y/N you didn’t tell me coconut head was ripped!” your friend’s eyes widen at the sight of him…he walks towards you with a purpose but before he can make it halfway an iron grip tugs at your waist and you’re trapped under 175 pounds of tanned skinned and way too much Axe body spray… “Y/N!” Carlos presses you closer to his chest once more before letting you go and placing a sloppy kiss to your cheek… you shuffle from foot to foot away from him …by this time Jungkook has already reached you ,his chestnut eyes clouding over … “I didn’t know you had a boyfriend” he whispers… “She doesn’t!” your friend is at your side instantly….”Carlos is just a friend!” she exclaims… before Carlos can protest your friend is dragging him away in the complete opposite direction… “That’s right. Y/F/N invited him two weeks ago when she was drunk” you explain… Jungkook nods …and as if on cue your friend is back at your side…

“So it’s nice to meet you Jungkook! Y/N has told me so much about you! I’m glad you waited until you were of age to come chase after her!” she adds…You glare at her… “You were gone five minutes! How are you already drunk? you ask… “I’m drunk on the atmosphere” she replies…”Well go get drunk with Carlos or whatever it is you have to do to keep him away from me” you demand…. “Yes ma’m! God you’re hot when you’re angry!  Right coconut head?” she adds before sauntering towards the other side of the large courtyard… you look at Jungkook and he lets out an amused chuckle… “she seems fun” he comments…"she is a hoot but sometime she makes me want to do bad things” you say… “Oh” Jungkook replies…you look up at him trying to explain yourself… but instead you take in his appearance for the first time and your mouth dries… he’s wearing a thin white and brown button up shirt and dark wash jeans…his timberlands looking out of place in this setting but so fitting on him… he looks rugged … the color in his cheeks rising as he scans down your body…. “She’s right” he says almost to himself… “Hu?”…”You are hot when you’re angry. In fact, you’re hot all the time” he says closing the distance between you two … your eyes widen but your feet are rooted to the ground… “Well you’re not so bad yourself” you reply feeling light headed already … his proximity only riling you up more… but before Jungkook can reply a familiar smell fills your nostrils….. Jungkook pouts attractively and you groan in frustration as Carlos makes his way to you… “There you are babe” he says… but before he can close the distance between you all Jungkook wraps his arm around your waist and pulls you to his side… the smell of fabric softener and cologne soothe your anxiety…. Carlo’s eyes asses the situation before he’s putting on his best bitch face… 

“I didn’t know we were babysitting tonight” Carlos sneers at jungkook… you giggle a little and jungkook’s attractive pout turns into an outright frown… his grip on your waist faltering slightly….“you’re right. Jungkook do you think you can give me a hand with Carlo’s booster seat?” you say turning to face the younger man… his crestfallen face lights up like Christmas and you can feel your chest tighten and your cheeks pink at his downright melancholy expression… “sure thing y/n” he replies light heartedly … Carlo’s jaw locks and he crosses his arms in agitation “hanging out with brats is rubbing off on you” he snaps… “well it sure beats hanging out with a dick” you clap back.. “oh wait you wouldn’t know, would you?” you tease him… Jungkook watches intently his stance changing into one you’ve never seen before…” Whatever, if you ever want to hang out with a real man you know where to find me” he adds before turning on his heel and running into Namjoon who is holding out a bottle opener rather carelessly… “FUCK” Carlos cries out… Namjoon blanches … all of the color draining from his face as … Jungkook and you stare wide eyed … “Oh Man Holy Shit!” Jungkook says… you can’t help but laugh lightly… at his expression… he’s quick to act ,tearing a piece of cloth from his shirt and wrapping up Carlo’s wound… a few other people have begun to gather and the thumping music has stopped playing altogether….you take this opportunity to grab Jungkook by the sleeve of his now red stained shirt and pull him away from the crowd…

“Let’s get out of here before the fireworks start” you explain to him as you lead him away from the lanterns and towards the open field which is being utilized as a parking lot… “I really hope that guy’s okay” Jungkook says… you walk down the path for a few more minutes before reaching your car and leaning against the cool metal… “He’ll be fine, it was just a flesh wound” you say pursing your lips… “True, I guess I just feel bad for him since I stole his date for the night"… you gasp in mock offense… “Who says you stole me coconut head” …Jungkook juts his upper lip out pouting attractivity at your remark… “Oh come on you’re a big boy” you tease him further… standing on your tiptoes to ruffle his chestnut locks… “In more ways than one” Jungkook quips adding a wink … you giggled at his moot attempt to sound grown up… “Boi if you don’t” you tease him…Jungkook laughs wholeheartedly and you feel the  obvious crackle of electricity morph itself into a comfortable buzz … you continue to tease him further …until  Jugnkook’s ears are ringing red and his fingers fiddle with the handle of your car… “Hey! I’m joking” you explain lifting his face up to yours… his skin feels so soft between your thumb and forefinger… “I’m glad you’re still single” he whispers… his voice barely audible to you over the thumping club music which has resumed in the background….“Me too” you reply huskily… the heat radiates from his body and warms your skin in the most soothing and arousing way… his breath is fanning across your cheeks and your fingers are still cupping his chin… Jungkook’s eyes are trained on your red stained lips and you want so badly to close the distance and feel his petal soft lips mold to your own…. The moments drag out and you’re lost in your own reverie …the blood rushes to your face… and you can see your own desire reflected in his glossy eyes… before you can act on impulse you hear Carlos call out your name in the dark…

 “Fuck me!” you groan unlocking your car door…You and Jungkook both duck into the back seat  of your car… the confined space making you hyper aware of his presence… his body heat is pressed to your arm and you feel the world fade to the back ground as Jungkook leans somehow closer to you in the dark …. “Is he gone?” he whispers… “I think so but I  should go check ” you whisper back to him as if it’s a secret …”Or you could stay?” he suggests… You take a moment to consider his proposal….and turn to face him…. the moonlight cascades through the front window and you feel that familiar ache naw at your insides…before you can be interrupted you close the dimute space and connect your lips to his… Jungkook’s hands wrap  around your waist pulling you onto his lap without breaking the kiss… the two of you continue to kiss until you start to feel light headed….you pull apart for breath and kiss along his jaw and the tops of his exposed collarbones… Jungkook is quick to remove his shirt and you scoot back …. Your eyes taking a moment to survey him… he’s filled out since you last saw him and he’s grown at least a foot… the baby fat being replaced with muscle… the only thing that’s left of your kookie is the bowl haircut that extenuates his high cheek bones and pink pouty lips…. you bite your own, not sure whether to crack a joke or nod as he continues breath heavily.. “Why did you pull away?” he asks tilting his head to the side … Jungkook watches you intently as the emotions go to war on your face…”Is it because I’m younger  than you?” Jungkook asks breaking the ongoing silence…You don’t reply…instead you continue to stare at his unclothed state…. committing every dip and mole to memory….

“Maybe if I was older you would see me as a man” Jungkook sighs… his broad shoulders slouching in defeat and that attractive pout is once again adorning his handsome features… you bite your lip looking at his exposed chest once more … the defined muscles on display only for you to enjoy… you lean in closer….your noses brushing and your breath fanning across his high cheekbones before connecting your lips to his… the kiss starts off tentative and languid… but soon grows heated and hungry… the heat pooling in your stomach and the glistening ache collecting at your center… Jungkook’s fingers weave their way into your hair and your hands trace small patterns across his toned upper body.. . your fingertips tracing every curve and dent of his overheated skin… “Noonnaaaaa” he drags out the words and something in you snaps…. For whatever reason the heat of the moment or the ache between in your legs… you push him further into the seat so that you’re straddling his upper thighs… your crotches only centimeters from each other…”Shut up and fuck me you coconut head” …Jungkook growls lowly before raising his pelvis to yours and you suppress a moan… his hands gripping your hips harshly and bringing you down to him once more…you moan loudly unable to control your arousal … your lower half squirming as he repeats this action once then twice more … “You sound so fucking hot when you moan baby girl” Jungkook says huskily… his whole demeanor changing as he pulls you to him.”But you would sound even hotter screaming my name as you cum around me”… his hands make quick work of removing your crop top and bra in one swift motion …. your buds stand at attention just for him… his mouth wrapping around one aroula while he tweaks your other nipple between his thumb and forefinger…. “Jungkoook-ahhh” you whine… Jungkook growls lowly his agile hips bucking into you deliciously deep…. “I thought my name was coconut head?” he says extenuating every syllable with a sharp thrust of his hips…. you’re a whining mess and he wears a shit eating grin …..

You’re already feeling light headed and needy… his hot mouth being the only thing that can sooth your ache and satisfy your want… Your hands tangle in his hair before traveling down his chest and toying with the waistband of his dark wash jeans… “Is this all for me? You ask palming his prominent bulge”… “Fuck” Jungkook curses through gritted teeth … his pelvis raising involuntarily further into your hand… You continue to palm him before he stops your hand and brings it to his lips…kissing from your knuckles to the tips of your fingers before he is back into character …..Jungkook maneuvers his body so that he can unbutton the top button of your shorts … the denim popping open… he lifts you up and you shimmy out of your shorts before he literally tears your silk undergarments from your body…"Fucking coconut head!“ You whine… Jungkook laughs lowly before plunging his long digit into your tight heat… you yelp in surprise… “That’s exactly what I plan to do” he whispers into your ear biting your lobe gently…. you moan….the discomfort soon giving away to an immense pleasure… you grind your hips against his agile finger in an effort to increase the euphoric feeling that’s already rushing through your half dressed form… Jungkook adds a second digit… the stretch causing you to cry out … “That’s right baby girl! Who’s making you feel this fucking good with just his fingers?” Jungkook asks…. you cry out a slurred version of his name, too far gone in the lust and rhythm that your body has created… Jungkook nips at your collarbones…his slightly chapped lips leaving a trail of blossoms on your collar bones and down the valley of your breasts… you repeat his name over and over like a mantra as he continues to delve into you…the curl of his fingers hitting that spot that’s pushing you closer towards the end…Your hot skin feels like it’s on fire when you finally reach your peak… the eagerness in which he swallows all of your moans with his mouth arousing you even more… 

“I need you!” you whine unbuttoning his jeans with deft fingers… “You’re so eager” Jungkook replies in awwe… His lenght finally breaking free from the confines of the tight denim…. “You weren’t kidding” you say biting your lip as you continue to stare at the angry red tip of his thick lenght…precum dripping from the tippy top like a stray tear… You run your thumb over the head… planning to tease but Jungkook is having none of that… his giant hand engulfing yours and halting your ministrations…”As much as I would like to see your insulant little mouth around my cock I would rather cum inside of you” he explains before guiding your hand to his base and giving himself a few pumps…the anticipation and need for of him to fill you to the hilt clouding any sense of sobriety … Jugnkook guides his lenght…his tip running along your slit collecting your wetness while his fingers tease your clit….You both let out a guttural moan in unison as his lenght stretches you deliciously…. “Fuck Baby girl” Jungkook breaths into your neck… he begins to move instantly…his expert hips bucking into you at as many angles as he can manage… the car shaking as he continues to penetrate you… you whine and mewl into his hot skin… your mouth enclosing around his nipple and tugging lightly with every soft heave of his chest…the feel of him filling you up almost too much for you… the screams come all at once… the tender skin of your breasts being abused once more as he continues to thrust… your nails dig half moons into his milky skin as he speeds his ministrations…the wet muscle of his tongue caressing the inside of your own as he claims every nook and cranny of your body… your body wrapping around him like a vine as he continues to chase after your highs… 

“Noona” Jungkook mewls his dominant persona finally crumbling as his thrusts began to deepen…his lenght pulling out before delving all the way into you… his plump upper lip captured between his teeth as he continues to drill into you… you raise your hips and begin to meet him thrust for thrust in search of your release. .the feel of him filling you up deliciously as his strong thighs press against your own naked flesh have you seeing the fire works for the second time tonight… “Fuck” you whine into his broad shoulders as you pull him flush against your chest … your lips connect with the pale scream skin of his shoulders which you soon adorn in pink and purple blossoms… his pants are at your ear and you tighten around him every time you feel him getting closer to his own release… Jungkook moans lowly and kisses that spot on your neck in time with his shallow thrusts … his hot seed is spilling into you as he continues to hump into your shallow heat… “You feel so fucking good around my cock” he praises as you milk him dry…. your own body succumbing to his fully… Jungkook’s thickness stays inside of you a bit longer…when he finally comes to a standstill above you… your sweaty limbs still intertwined as the two of you try and regain your breaths and some sort of composer…. “Noona?” Jungkook is the first to break the comfortable silence …”Yes?” you reply propping yourself on your elbow… Can we do that again?” he asks…”Sure thing Coconut head” you say winking at him… Jungkook’s eyes cloud with lust and defiance as he hovers over you once more… “That’s not my name baby girl” … “I think I need to remind you once more don’t I?”Jungkoook muses before he’s pinning your arms above your head with one of his own… 

I’MMA NEED HIM TO RESPECT ME!!!!! SOMEONE TAKE AWAY MY KEYS BC MY HOE ASS IS SWERVING LANES AND RUNNING STOP SIGNS FOR THIS BOY.. LIKE I’M SO TRASH FOR KOOK I HONESTLY WENT ON A 20 MINUTE RANT TO MY LANDLORD ABOUT HOW  HIS COVER OF “WE DON’T TALK ANYMORE” SAVED MY LIFE… PLEASE SEND HELP… 

LIKE JUNGKOOK-AH STAHPPPP…WAIT NO KEEP GOING !!!

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The 2019 MLB Home Run Derby Running Diary: So Many Dingers

Back back back back back back back back back back back back back to the well with another running diary because what else am I going to write about during the worst sports week of the year!? What else am I going to write about right now? The Philadelphia 76ers NBA summer league (tempting), the frightening ineptitude of Jake Arrieta and his bone spurry elbow (too depressing), or the Flyers?! THE FLYERS?! I think not.

Let’s see who can hit the most dingers in the second most worthless exhibition that will be played this week as I waste nearly three hours of my life watching the 2019 Major League Baseball Home Run Derby.

8 p.m. – Bob Eucker opens the festivities. If he could just do all his lines from “Major League” for the rest of the night that would be better than the planned ESPN broadcast. Thanks.

8:01 p.m. – Karl Ravech and his totally not a toupee and absolutely natural hair welcomes us to lovely Cleveland, Ohio for the 2019 T-Mobile Home Run Derby! What a historic event. Who could ever forget when Dave Parker slugged six home runs in the first ever T-Mobile Home Run Derby in 1985? Unforgettable. Mark Teixeira and his wet ham personality joins the broadcast and is immediately tuned out by the entire viewing audience.

8:03 p.m. – Something called DJ Irene is pretending to play music in centerfield as the night’s entrants are announced. Let’s meet the 2019 candidates who will fuck up their swings for the rest of the season to win bragging rights for an outdated exhibition that nobody cares about.

#1 seed Matt Chapman (21 home runs) – A last minute replacement for the #1 overall seed Christian Yelich. A third baseman for the Oakland A’s, Chapman apparently plays professional baseball while he’s not selling awful used cars for Chapman Ford in the offseason.

#2 seed Pete Alonso (30 home runs) – Pete “The Polar Bear” Alonso, a rookie for the New York Mets, has mashed 30 home runs so far this season and is eager to see how his very promising career will be derailed by his franchise.

#3 seed Josh Bell (27 home runs) – An outfielder for the Pittsburgh Pirates and apparently not the former co-star of the Teen Nick sitcom smash “Drake and Josh.”

#4 seed Alex Bregman (23 home runs) – A third baseman for the Houston Astros and official workhorse for the Coggin Toboggan, who bet $10 on him to win at +850. Real good guy, nothing but great things to say about this exciting young man. Salt of the earth.

#5 seed Joc Pederson (20 home runs) – Outfielder and first baseman for the Los Angeles Dodgers with the most infuriating first name of any of the competitors. Joc. JOC. Fucking gross. He shall be known as JP for the rest of the proceedings.

#6 Ronald Acuna Jr.  (21 home runs) – Some loser for the Atlanta Braves. BOOOOOOOO.

#7 Carlos Santana (19 home runs) – Phillies legend Carlos Santana. Immediately resurrected his career after losing all athletic ability playing one year for Philadelphia. Sounds about right.

#8 Vladimir Guerrero Jr. (8 home runs) – Third baseman for the Toronto Blue Jays. Rumor has it his dad actually played a little professional baseball. That’s crazy, I can’t believe the media has never mentioned that before.

8:10 p.m. – Bryce Harper was invited right? He’s an All-Star, isn’t he? I’m sure he’s just late.

8:14 p.m. – Marly Rivera interviews Vladimir Guerrero Jr., who may or may not have a father who played professional baseball.

8:20 p.m. – The first match-up of the night features JP against our boy Bregman. Pederson hits 21 home runs and I can taste that $10 just slipping away. GOD DAMNIT, JP, I GOT KIDS. Most of his home runs only went one or two rows deep into the outfield. Should be disqualified.

8:25 p.m. – Trying to convince my wife that if a ball hits one of the kids shagging fly balls in the head and goes over the fence it counts as two. She is not convinced.

8:27 p.m. – Dear God it’s a rocky start for our boy Bregman. One home run in the first 30 seconds. PICK IT UP. It’s a home run derby, not a line drive derby, THIS IS NOT THE TIME OR THE PLACE TO SHOW OFF YOUR LEVEL SWING. UPPERCUT THE SHIT OUT OF IT AND LET’S GO.

8:28 p.m. – Bregman has hit 6 in a minute and a half and takes a timeout.

8:30 p.m. – He keeps hitting the very top of the left field wall. Is that wall regulation height or what?!

8:31 p.m. – Pathetic. HIT ONE OFF THE KIDS AND HOPE IT GOES OVER, THAT COUNTS AS TWO.

8:32 p.m. – 16 home runs and he’s out. Christ. Mark Texeira: “If I’m going to teach my kids how to swing, I’m showing them Alex Bregman’s swing.” Shut up Mark. JP moves on and I wish I didn’t have to watch the rest of this.

8:33 p.m. – Guerrero Jr. vs. Chapman up next. Guerrero Jr. is the youngest player to ever participate in a home run derby and he promptly hits a scorching grounder to third… and then a 462 foot home run to dead center.

8:35 p.m. – What kind of waivers does MLB make these kids’ parents sign before letting them go out to the outfield to try to catch 110 MPH juiced ball rockets?

“Sign here, initial here, sign here again…this waives us from all liability if your child has his skull caved in after losing a ball in the lights. Good news though, if your child does slip into a coma we’ll give you 20% off all purchases from the official MLB merchandise store for all purchase of $100 or more.”

8:40 p.m. – Good lord. He hit 29 home runs. Tied Josh Hamilton for most in a round ever. I will say he hit a few before they actually landed, a clear violation of home run derby rules. I expect MLB officials to announce his disqualification shortly.

8:43 p.m. – Matt “thanks for coming out” Chapman is up next. His dad is pitching to him. Knowing my dad he would have yelled at me for “not keeping my hands low and my head down on the swing” and I would have stormed off the field in tears after hurling my bat at him like I was 10-years-old again. Good times!

8:45 p.m. – I’ll be the first to say it; we’re all just watching this to see one of the kids get scorched off the dome, aren’t we? Half of them aren’t even paying attention to the action. FOCUS.

8:46 p.m. – Chapman’s dad keeps throwing balls outside of the zone and up by his head,  JUST LOB IT OVER THE PLATE, JESUS CHRIST. The only explanation for his poor pitching performance is he’s been playing the long con, waiting years before he had the opportunity to publicly humiliate his son in front of millions of fans on a national stage. Mission completed.

8:47 p.m. – His dad cannot throw a strike and looks completely gassed. Chapman has 13 home runs with 30 bonus seconds left to hit 17 more for the win. His dad promptly throws two balls to start things off. Something tells me his invitation to the next Oakland A’s father/son weekend is going to be conveniently lost in the mail. Guerrero moves on.

8:53 p.m. – Tracy Morgan is apparently hosting the ESPYs this year. Oh boy, I can’t wait to hear him read three hours of canned sports jokes off a teleprompter with the same amount of energy as John Kruk when his blood sugar dips.

8:57 p.m. – Ronald Acuna Jr. vs. Josh Bell next. Sadly, Acuna Jr. has a great swing and it will be extraordinarily depressing to see him blast a 600-foot home run off of Vince Velasquez on Sept. 1 to officially eliminate the Phillies from postseason contention.

9:03 p.m. – Acuna Jr. smashes 24 home runs off of Phillies great Tomas Perez, proving once and for all that if you want to hit as many home runs as possible you just need to face Phillies pitching.

9:04 p.m. – I’m already tired of people making the Phillies pitching joke on Twitter. Alright we get it:

I'd be the betting favorite in the Home Run Derby tonight if I announced I was flying Jerad Eickhoff in to throw to me.

— CogginToboggan (@CogginToboggan) July 8, 2019

This guy made the same recycled joke last year. What a tool:

If Rhys Hoskins brought Hector Neris to pitch to him he would have hit 50 home runs.

— CogginToboggan (@CogginToboggan) July 17, 2018

9:06 p.m. – Betting favorite Josh Bell hit four home runs in a minute and a half. Feel sorry for all the people who bet on this loser and will be out of the derby after the first round. Couldn’t imagine making such a poor bet.

9:10 p.m. – Mark Teixeira: “You really need the person throwing you the balls to put them in the same place every time to get into a rhythm.” Wow, thanks Mark. Should the hitters also try to put the balls over the fence for them to count as a home run?

9:13 p.m. – Bell hits 18 home runs and is eliminated, proving once and for all that nothing good ever comes out of Pittsburgh.

9:15 p.m. – Carlos Santana is up next vs. Pete Alonso. At the All-Star break last year, Santana was hitting .209 with 14 HRs and a .747 OPS. This year, Santana is your starting AL All-Star cleanup hitter and is smashing .297 with 19 HRs and a .958 OPS. Fuck my life!

9:18 p.m. – Santana promptly shits the bed and only hits 12 home runs, the lowest in the derby so far. That’s a shame. A damned shame. Somewhere Gabe Kapler is fist pumping in a dimly lit basement as he knocks out another 5,000 angry crunches under a bare light bulb.

9:19 p.m. – Watching Santana hit in the derby and be elected to his first All-Star team was worse than listening to Ben Davis last year opine on the extraordinary value of Santana’s ability to take a walk while hitting .229 for the entire season.

9:22 p.m. – Pete “The Polar Bear” Alonso is up next. He’s nicknamed the Polar Bear because he bought a pair of illegal polar bear skin batting gloves off the Dark Web, which he attributes to his great success.

9:25 p.m. – Alonso is letting history’s greatest monster off the hook so far after only hitting six home runs in 2:30.

9:27 p.m. – “That just hit the scoreboard” Teixeira mentions for a home run that comes about 20 rows short of the scoreboard.

9:28 p.m. – Alonso! Alonso! Alonso! 14 home runs to send Santana packing, HUMILIATING Carlos in front of his friends and family. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?! YES!

9:29 p.m. – As is tradition, Santana must now eat a mouthful of Chris Berman’s wispy skullet hair for hitting the least amount of home runs in a round. Rules are rules, sorry Carlos.

9:34 p.m. – Disappointed ESPN hasn’t trotted out the bloated gin corpse of Chris Berman to give us one epic BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK before banishing him back to the extra-large cryotherapy chamber he spends 360 days a year in.

9:36 p.m. – Guerrero Jr. vs. JP in the semis. Christ, I’m already bored with this. Just bring back the MTV Rock and Jock Softball game instead of this nonsense. Who else remembers when Frank Thomas hit a home run with the eight ball in the 1993 event to lead the Dan Cortese coached “Awayboys” to victory over the hated Corbin Bernsen coached “Homeboys.” Anyone? Just me? Ok then.

9:41 p.m. – GUERRERO JR. HITS 29 HOME RUNS AGAIN! The potential 30th home run came within an inch of going out on the final hit. Did you know his dad was Vlad Guerrero? Who won the event in 2007? WHY IS NOBODY TALKING ABOUT THIS?

9:44 p.m. – Mother of God, JP isn’t going away. Despite his terrible name he hits an impressive 14 home runs with two minutes left to go.

9:48 p.m. – Holy shit, JP hits 27 home runs and needs to hit three more in his 30 second bonus to defeat Guerrero Jr.

9:50 p.m. – They both hit 29 overall and each get to take a swing at Karl Ravech’s head and whoever hits his toupee furthest goes to the championship round.

9:55 p.m. – ESPN goes the PC liberal route and opts for a two minute home run tie breaker. They both hit another 8 home runs, tying again. YOU MEAN I HAVE TO WATCH MORE OF THIS BULLSHIT?! JUST END IT ALREADY.

9:56 p.m. – THEY TIED AGAIN. AFTER A THREE SWING HIT OFF, THEY TIE AGAIN. They both hit a home run in three swings and go to ANOTHER overtime round. Did I die before overtime started? Is this purgatory for me? Am I going to watch these two hit dingers for the rest of my days until my soul is absolved of all its sins? It could be worse, I could have to watch the Flyers.

10 p.m. – For this overtime round whoever is the son of Vladimir Guerrero wins and goes on to the championship.

10:03 p.m. – That was amazing.  Guerrero hits two bombs with his three swings and JP hits one. JP, like every Dodgers fan ever, leaves immediately before the contest is over so he can beat traffic.

10:03 p.m. – The only thing that could have made that any better would have been a quick shot of Zack Hample being trampled as he ran for one of the home run balls.

10:05 p.m. – Christ, I forgot we still have more of this. Just end it now and give it to Guerrero Jr., he deserves the trophy and the $1 million. I don’t care about anything else.

10:06 p.m. – Somewhere Chris Berman looked up from his third Reuben sandwich of the evening, grunted at the TV, and squirted Thousand Island dressing directly from the bottle into his mouth.

10:12 p.m. – I’d respect Acuna Jr. more if he just bunted for the rest of the competition.

10:16 p.m. – Acuna Jr. is gassed despite the three hour break he got watching Guerrero Jr. and JP put on the greatest home run derby round of all time. He hits 19.

10:19 p.m. – Alonso is up and the crowd gasps off-screen after his first hit. Maybe DJ Irene was beaned by an Alonso line drive as he was looking for the club remix of the Cupid Shuffle.

10:20 p.m. – The broadcast just revealed that Alonso is actually called the Polar Bear because of an incident in high school where he tossed a second grader into the polar bear enclosure of the Bronx Zoo for a laugh.

10:24 p.m. – Alonso hits 20 to send Acuna Jr. packing. Because he is a promising young member of the Mets, I look forward to reading about his MRI results tomorrow showing he tore both rotator cuffs simultaneously at some point during the competition.

10:28 p.m. – Apparently Paul Heyman announced on Monday Night Raw that BROCKKKKK LESNARRRRR would cash in his Money in the Bank contract this Sunday at Extreme Rules in Philadelphia. I found this exponentially more interesting than anything Mark Teixeira has said all night.

10:31 p.m. – Guerrero Jr. has hit 69 total home runs going into the championship. Somewhere, Rob Gronkowski is giggling to himself.

10:35 p.m. – Guerrero Jr. hits a paltry 22 home runs in the championship round. He is one pathetic loser.

10:40 p.m. – Oh my God just end this. I’ve had it. I’ve been out of contention to win money for 95% of this entire broadcast.

10:41 p.m. – A gorgeous shot of downtown Cleveland and its historic Applebees that LeBron James once refused to step foot in.

10:45 p.m. – Alonso hits 23 in the final round to beat Guerrero Jr. It should be fun to hear Mike Francesa rationalize how this is on par with the Mets 1986 World Series championship.

10:51 p.m. – What a night, what a derby. Guerrero Jr. and JP put on a show, Alonso won the championship after Guerrero Jr. punched himself out, and most importantly Carlos Santana embarrassed himself on national television.

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NSFW #15: Melon’s Creed

The Carmel Bunkers on Turó de la Rovir. Stone barriers overlook the great city of Barcelona. John Bishop Church quietly admired the breathtaking view on this day just on the precipice of the sun setting. He leaned over the wall and seemed oblivious to the camera filming him. He had the hood of his light grey jacket up. His boots and the bottoms of his blue jeans were covered in dirt from the hike to this locale. He spoke out into the ether. “Hey.” He spoke in a conversational tone and let that set in before continuing. “This whole thing has been a humbling experience. In this last year, I’ve had the privilege to do what I’ve always wanted to do. And to enter into a partnership that has been absolutely exhilarating to be a part of. Since NSFW’s humble roots, we have scraped and clawed our way to the top. There has been a common thread throughout. Somebody somewhere has claimed that they do what they do for a divine purpose.” He scoffed. “Whether it be the megalomaniacal ramblings of a prophet, the dissidents of chaos …” John sighed, perhaps perturbed at the mere mention of this. “...or the machinations of the melon gods. Such grand proclamations are fruitless in the face of the golden standard of tag team wrestling. Now, Mike …” There was a pause. He pushed off of the wall and turned around - looking to the stairs that descend down the hill. “Mike?” “Dude!” The redhead, backpack over her shoulders and clad in a grey unzipped hoodie over a Carlos Ruiz t-shirt, appeared over the crest of the hill a moment after her name was mentioned, puffing a bit as if she’d started running as soon as she realized how far she’d fallen behind her partner. “My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours, man. Phew…” Catching her breath, the Bronx brawler raised a hand, wiping some sweat off her brow. “Besides, I kinda got distracted. You won’t believe what I found. It’s full of so much crazy shit, I dunno if I can look at the world the same fuckin’ way again.” Reaching back, Mike unzipped her pack and pulled out a large, dirty, ancient looking book, fraying at the corners and tops of the spine. Embossed on the cover, with traces of nearly worn away gilding, are the words ‘ARCANA CUCUMIS’. “What?” Coming the rest of the way up and leaning against one of the curved concrete walls, Mike flipped the book open with care, as not to jar any of the yellowed pages loose. Shifting a bit, she beckons her partner over, holds the tome up, and points at one of the pictures within. “I found this in the catacombs when we split away from the tour group to… when we split away from the tour group. Look at this shit. It’s like, all of the Melon Club’s fuckin’ secrets. I had no idea they went this far back and had their nasty vines stuck in so much stuff.” “Oh no.” John placed a hand on the page, obscuring its contents. He looked at his friend with concern. “This is Leviathan all over again.” “Nah man. This is worse. They’ve been in all of humanity’s fuckin’ key institutions. Look at this for example.” “These fuckers killed JESUS, man. I mean, according to the text here, fuckin’ Judas served him that melon, ironically enough, right before the big J.C. said one of his people was gonna betray him.” John gave the warped portrayal of the Last Supper a once over. “So Judas was part of the Melon Club.” His tone was deadpan and in no way inquisitive. “Exactly. But it doesn’t stop there. Look here.” “This guy, I’m sure you know, is L. Ron Fuckin’ Hubbard, the nutball behind Scientology. According to the book, people have been misunderstanding his writings all this time because of an elaborate cover up. See, Hubbard didn’t really mean Xenu. He meant…” She jabbed her finger at a specific spot on the image. “...honeydew.” John was exasperated in his own diminutive way. “The Melon Club are pulling the strings of the billion dollar multinational religion because?” Mike shrugged. “Power. Control. Y’know, all that shadow ops supervillain shit. And it’s not just the major stuff either. I mean, take a look here. I really feel bad about this one considering week before last…” She flipped a few pages, landing on a classical Grecian image. “The Eternal Circle are unknowing followers of the melon gods.” “Exactly. Sad, but true. I guess they gotta come to terms with that now.” ”Mike.” It was like a plea to come back to reality. “Look. Religious iconography has been changed to suit the needs of whoever used it. I’ve never been much a believer. I mean, maybe something exists. But all along its been the melon gods?” His fingers gestured dismissively at the book. “This … doesn’t make any sense.” “Yeah, I mean, I guess that’s true. But the thing is, it’s not just religion that these fucks have been manipulating. See? I mean, I know you for one are gonna be seriously pissed at this one. See, it looks like around 48 BC, the ancient Roman scholars were on the tail of uncovering the whole Melon conspiracy before it overwhelmed everyone. Luckily for them, no less than the Roman emperor, Julius Caesar, was a devotee and he made sure to have the entire library burned to the ground before anybody could find out the truth.” John’s bottom lip quivered slightly upon looking at the image. “All of that knowledge.” But he shook his head. “No. So next thing you’re going to tell me that his assassination was ordered when the Melon Club had no further use for him.” Mike snapped the fingers of her free hand. “YES. Exactly that. And it’s not the only assassination they’ve indulged in either. I mean, Arya herself’s a trained killer, it shouldn’t be that big of a shock that these people have bumped off anyone who was a threat to their fucking organization.” Mike grimaced as she flipped the page again. “They never did figure out who Oswald was working with. Or for. And that one picture of him, people always thought it was altered in some way. Well it fucking was. See?” “The Melon Club assassinated JFK.” “It’s the only thing that makes fucking sense. I mean all this time. All these theories and debates and discussions. The Zapruder film analyzed frame by fuckin’ frame. And all this time, Oswald was a lone gunman cuz only a Melon Club trained assassin could pull off a ricocheting shot like that.” “But… why?” Mike exhaled, then drew a breath in. “Because they fuckin’ can. Because Kennedy’s embargo on goods from Cuba was hurting the fuckin’ melon industry and that’s how they spread their fuckin’ propoganda. All those sweet, juicy cantaloupes, canaries, and watermelons that people gobble up without a second thought, not knowing every last bite is only serving the forces that control their entire fucking lives.” “Mike. I don’t know what to say. Maybe we’ve been lied to.” “You don’t know the half of it. It’s to the point now that they’re just meddling in things just to make everyone miserable. The Super Bowl a couple seasons back. Patriots vs. Falcons. The Falcons had the Pats dead to fucking rights. Brady was getting his stupid handsome face shoved in it and it was glorious. But then after the half they mounted this miraculous comeback that by all fucking rights shouldn’t even have been fucking possible. How? I stayed up fucking nights, man. I had no idea how the rug got yanked out from under the Falcons so utterly. But now. NOW I know. Look at this. The absolute bastards.” “I have no clue what you’re talking about.” “Oh yeah. You probably didn’t see it. Trust me, you’re better for it. It fucking sucked. Tom Brady is an asshole. He’s the absolute fucking worst human being ever shat out onto this sorry planet and the sooner everybody realizes what an overrated piece of crap he is the better.” John closed the book. The pages gave off a fine poof of dust as they slammed together. “Okay. So The Melon Club are zealots who throughout time have manipulated the world in every which way possible.” And then he pointed to Mike and himself. “And acquiring our tag team championships are now part of that great design?” “Sure. Why wouldn’t it be? They have their claws in everything else. Why else would people trained in the fucking deadly arts be getting in the ring with us?” “And so we are the only people standing in the way of a new dark age?” “I mean, I found this thing in a crypt if that tells you anything. We know too much. They’rereally gonna want to take us out now, cuz we know how dangerous they are and we’re telling the whole fucking world so.” Mike glanced at the camera, brows knit in a very concerned fashion. Her fingers twiddled nervously between each other. “They’ve been here for months. Walter and Arya Melon. Mixed results. Between the bouts of tedium and fruit puns, I’ve inclined to tune them out. They win one tag match. Against two teams that chose to not take them seriously.” He placed a hand on the book. “We’re taking the Melon Club serious.” John joined Mike in looking directly at the camera. “Dead serious.” “To be frank, I underestimated you guys. My partner didn’t cuz he’s smarter than I am, but I looked at that three-way and you were the last fucking people I thought we’d wind up fighting. Shit, I’d already done some studying and had to throw it all out the window. The fact you pulled that shit out is proof you shouldn’t be taken lightly, whether or not you guys are part of a giant all consuming conspiracy wrapping the world in melony dominance.” “I thought we were going to have a viking problem on our hands. But instead, two cunning opportunists came away with the victory. And speaking of opportunities, it’s clear that through the facade, you two are students of the game. We know what you see as an opening.” Mike gave a firm nod, reaching up with her left hand. Her fingers were free, but the palm and wrist were done up in a cast, by now liberally covered with the signatures of friend and fan alike. “I’m not gonna pretend to know what you think of us. It’s probably better for everybody’s fuckin’ sanity that there’s no telling what’s going on in those, heh, melons of yours. But like my partner said, I know, we know, what you may be thinking about doing. Let me tell you for one, this hand? It ain’t gonna be a fuckin’ issue. Better people in this business than me have defended titles with far worse fuckin’ damage. It ain’t gonna slow me down.” She twiddled her fingers and then balled them up tight, forming a fist around the covered palm of her left hand. “Yeah. We’re not mind readers but we know what you want. And there is no fucking way in seven hells that you’re gonna get it, not at WrestleFest and not ever. You’re welcome to give it a shot, but a lot of teams have tried, and they’ve all met the same fuckin’ end.” The plaster casted fist slammed into the opposite palm. “Knocked for Six, kneed in the face, Cherry Bombed, put to sleep, and checked by the Bishop and the Queen.” “That’s not arrogance on our part. That’s just what happens. What will happen. And I get it. You two think you have divine providence on your side. What bounty have the melon gods gifted your little club? A middle in the pack finish in the Rumble. Trading victories with Frankie Romono. And now this. An opportunity.” He reached behind him and shoved the book out of the sight of the camera. The focus was solely on Bishop Church, Mike McGuire, NSFW, the EWC World Tag Team Champions. A leveled gaze from Church was directed to the challengers. “An opportunity to be a footnote in our history.” Folding her arms as best she can, Mike gave a firm nod. “We’ve worked too hard and come too far to have it end here and now. Nobody’s found a way to fuckin’ kill us yet and neither will you. No assassins, no kooked out religions, and No Schemes of Fucking Watermelons are going to take us down. But if you really think you can?” Her grim expression melted into a smirk, a brief ‘heh’ slipping from her lips. “Come and get it, ya fuckin’ fruits.” John looked at his partner, eyebrows raised. “Wait, what?”