#like i wouldnt blame anyone for leaving me at this point of bleakness in my life tbh

[aj0131]

Rabbit holes...

im severely lost on my path of life right now. I feel like I dont have many options. It is going to be found out that I failed a ton of classes to the point where I cant graduate on time. And so im not sure that I will end up getting my degree here. Something that was once so important to me became something that was forced and I didnt have a choice in. I didnt want to go to class anymore, it became almost a form of torture. I dont feel like im even intelligent anymore. And i think to what the reasoning is and im not sure I have an exact answer. I just saw the world differently after my mom passed. I unfairly didnt get credit for a class that I deserved to get, and it was like all of that effort meant nothing. Just like it did for my family situation. And I just felt powerless. I think thats a recurring theme... I want to have control over the things that are happening in my life. My best friend is leaving school, and that means ill only really have one person left. And ive told myself for so long that i can be alone again like i have so many times before, but i just dont want to do that again. Im going to be so sad when she goes. She makes me feel good about myself, like I matter, like im loved. And she makes me love myself. Its such a hard situation because shes the one who introduced me to doing drugs all the time, but ive been so much happier since that i cant regret it. It makes me question why society puts such a negative view on them. Ive experienced so much in my life that on a daily basis I have no desire to function or do anything, and drugs change that for me. And the thing is is I dont think theres something wrong with me for not wanting to do anything. I think I needed a break a long time ago. I think I broke a long time ago. And who knows if ill ever be a functioning member of society or if ill just figure it out. It scares me. But I dont blame the drugs. If I know that theyll be there, some days it gives me more motivation to do what I need to. Theyre kind of like a warm hug to come home to. And with my best friend leaving, there goes my access. And im really scared for how thats going to feel. I think im going to be miserable. I think reality is miserable. I spent a few minutes crying in the bathroom the other day just praying that this isnt really reality... and I think that if just my mom was alive and not sick, that I would be okay. I know thats not how life works, but thats all I ever wanted and was my goal. But you cant stop someone else from doing their addiction. I learned that a long time ago. And now hes trying to do the same thing to me before I get too bad, but he doesnt understand my use doesnt have to do with him. I just want to be happy. And my way of handling myself is this way right now. I dont want to hurt myself or want to die everyday. Its just it doesnt feel unhealthy because im not on them ALL the time, i just... whenever I try to justify it, I feel like I sound like a drug addict. That oh, I can stop anytime, its not affecting everything else blahblahblah. I just go as far as to wish I had done them earlier. I would have gotten some relieve sooner. I mean im typing this when im on something now, and its allowing myself to safely access my thoughts. Im done justifying it to myself, because my only job is to live my life and thats what im doing, and no one can tell me how to live it. I just imagine how my life would be if I quit and got everything together, and what I see is me having this giant house on the beach with a chandelier when you walk in, and a winding staircase in a beautiful white room. Id have my hair done up in a low bun with my hair tucked in crystal pins in a beautiful white dress. I would entertain people all the time and go to these beautiful dances and balls. I would have everything together, a perfectly clean house, I would do things all the time like take classes at the gym or take the kids to their soccer practice. And I would be so loved by my husband that i wouldnt even know what to do with myself. Just unconditional support. Id work part time at the aquarium nearby and work for nonprofits. 

The thing is, I dont think any of that is real at all. People fight, things get fucked up, things are stressful, I have numerous mood disorders at this point... I never thought I could get over the loss of my family. The day she died, I lost every bit of hope that Id ever have a real family, and so I never knew if I could then have a real family of my own. [I guess what I should mean to say real is is a healthy one and all the primary members are still present.] 

I finally overcame the hurdle recently where I thought I would never feel things again. He did that for me. And love means so much to me, I thought it was the one thing if I could have, that one amazing love, that I could accept all the things that happened to me. I thought God and I made a deal when I was about 10 that I would take whatever he had to throw at me, I just asked for love, and I felt kind of a confirmation I thought. But I dont think God gives guarantees and I think I was wrong. Or maybe I already fucked it up when I was given the chance. I mean, im crazy in love with a boy right now, but hes never looked at me the same since he found out what Ive done. I believe he loves me so he stays. But thats even hard for him to swallow. And when I think about that life for me that I want, hes who I see it with. He feels like hes my family, and that hes not going anywhere, and I want to believe so badly that he sees past all the bad of me. I want him to know im not like everyone else. And I try to understand that maybe I was given the option to make those horrible choices so that I would understand that I just possibly lost the best thing that couldve happened to me because I wasnt acting like the person that the best could want. I think of it as a way to force myself to see my mistakes so that I understand not to make them again and not continue down that path. I understand that I am at a huge crossroads in my life right now and that I can choose to not really do anything with my life and let it fall apart or that I can pull it together and try to make it what I want it to be. Im not sure that I have it in me to do it when things look so bleak.

I dont want to move in with my dad. I left for a reason. I cant handle living with him, he is really bad for my anxiety. I dont really blame him for it anymore, I think he has an anxiety problem too and doesnt know how to not put that on other people. But it would feel like taking so many steps backward. And I know I would have to sacrifice a lot of myself to do it. He demands to be right and he demands for me to feel and think certain ways that i just dont, and I will never be the perfect person for him, nor for anyone else. I recognize that I am a really strong minded individual that just cant for the life of me be what someone else wants me to be, but i damn sure wish I could. A lot of times I just wish I wasnt me. I feel like everyone wants something different from me, and that im just not enough. Or that I have too many issues to be what they want. 

Sometimes I have the strength to say fuck that, Im proud of who I became because anyone that knows the full truth has told me that they would have killed themselves a long time ago. And I appreciated that they were truthful about it. But I still dont really get any slack from it. Life doesnt stop just because you need it to. 

My dad says hes about to take a job overseas and that he wants me to take over the family and bills and all of that... and it honestly feels like hes choosing my life for me and that Im about to end up stuck in my hometown living the same life he did just a different job. When I go home all I see is my past and how miserable I was before, and just all of these ghosts of past people and past happenings, and specifically my mom. I mean we still have a lot of her things and we still live in the same house we lived in. Its like my dad and sister dont feel it. But its like all of what happened in that house is still there, like a haunting. 

But anyways, Im getting offtrack. The thing is is that hes right when he says I could live rent free and I wont be able to really afford an apartment by myself at first. But honestly, I only see myself doing three options. Living with my dad, taking a job in a random place because I found security deposit money and I just go for it, or I live with him. And while my favorite options is living with him, we fight every other day, and I am constantly afraid of when hes going to leave. (yeah, i know, healthy). Its definitely not the time to talk about it. It just fucking sucks because there are so many times I look at him, and I am just overcome with how much I love him (hes called me out on a few occasions, much to my amusement) and its like I cant say it or I shouldnt let myself feel that way because he doesnt want to be with me. Its not like I dont understand why, I just dont want it to be like that. But i cant give up. Especially after all of this, like I did not put myself through this for no reason. I just want to stop feeling so sad about it, its like I cant be sad because then im not enjoying the time hes giving me, but I cant be too happy because at any time he could just decide hes never going to want to be with me again. It makes me insecure and into a person that im not. But its yet another thing that i dont have control over. Because i do everything that i know how to do, but im told its not being seen or that its not enough. And sometimes Im so down about it that I think he just deserves better than me. When were in a fight and hes describing how he sees me, it makes me see myself like that, and then i just dont understand why he loves me at all. It makes me think that he has to see past what he thinks he sees. Ive been beginning to be so hurt by what he says about me that im not sure i can look at myself the same way. If the person that ended up knowing and seeing all of my worst and best parts of me thinks so little of me, then what am i to think of myself? I cant blame him for thinking that im a liar and a fake but good God do I pray someday he will look at me and not see that. Im trying so hard to turn my life around and be someone hes worthy of being with, and I think thats why when im in one of my really bad states that on the inside im just screaming at the top of my lungs, I feel like im not being heard, I feel like im not even here and that he has to be talking about someone else. How did I become that person? I just know that that cant be me or who I became, because ive fought tooth and nail to get out, and I dont believe in not being able to change your life around. I just know that if I dont continue trying to be with him and to stop doing what he doesnt want me to do, that im never going to know if it could have worked. That maybe that was it. Everything in me has been telling me I should fight, and now is the time I have to. That im in this place for a reason right now and I have to work my hardest to get out of what ive done to myself. I just know that ive hardly been able to feel anything since my mom died, and since i met him I feel everything in life again, like I care again about what happens. Im fighting for myself because I feel like theres something there. I can look outside and feel happy about a flower that I found pretty growing. Im filled with hope, and I want to fight. I think thats what I have to do. Fight for the life that I want and not let anyone else decide it for me. I need to fight to make myself better. I need to fight to get what I want. And I think hes been trying to fight with me and help me to. And maybe thats part of his purpose in my life. I just dont feel like its over yet. Any of it. I just need to be okay with not making a decision of what to do right this second. Things need time to work through themselves as well. I cant control everything. I need to do one day at a time and stop letting others influence me so much, and to trust myself to do whats right for me. (Ha, trust someone on drugs, real funny...) 

I just know this is only a fraction of how my mom felt when she was trying to do better after all that shed done, which is a lot worse than me, and I pray that she has peace now knowing that I know she tried. Im just going to try to not make the same mistakes of letting other people control my life and tell me who I am or am not. I decide that. And I dont have to let my past travel on with me. I just need to fight.