#like i watched two of my friendship groups fall appart though i was the issue than realised this other girl who was also in both groups was

[ineffablehunter]

one of my friends experiencing the plot of a teen drama:

another gaining their obligatory toxic ex:

me having the most chill drama-free life:

[bjornartesttest]

May 2017

So its now been around two months since last post. There has been some changes, but no major changes I would say. Lets see

Work:

I helped Agatha  with her school project, a relatively quick project that went pretty smooth. I cant say I had too much of a say in it though, as she had a very clear idea about how she wanted to go through with it. We had a launch at the top of The Thief with loads of readings and performances. Fun, but also a bit exhausting. I did it for free, on a very short notice as a friend. Ive been doing that quite a lot for her. Its still mainly fun, but I am also a bit unsure about her processes sometimes. 

I also made a catalogue for Vårutstillingen that went pretty well recently, so they already hired me to do a project for them in August. Other then that I helped Trollkrem with a little floor text for their exhibition at HaIK, and I am still working with Tableau on their website. She keeps on changing stuff witch is kind of frustrating (Tove), but Im just going with the flow and helping her when she needs me. Easier that way, + we need to keep a good tone. Hopefully we are soon done!

Me and Morri are also working together on a project atm for Stavanger Kunstsenter, together with Geir Haraldseth. Its been quite nice I must say - we have a quite nice tone and inspire each other I think. We have been thinking about doing more work together in the future and I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I am thinking about doing a career change next winter, and I think if I have people like him to work with that would make a change like that quite fruitful. I am also potentially working with this other guy, Alex on a small project but we keep on extending the deadline and now he is considering moving to England, so lets see..

Basically what I need to do it to sit down properly and think though things. Step by step, and gradually make the rigght moves. It would be great to go into the summer having thought properly about this so I can spend some time to digest and take it in. I need to head full on this fall if I am going to make it work, and I need to make a proper busines plan and some savings. Ideally I need to save up money to cover my basics for about 6 months. Thats about 70.000 NOK. Can I save up 70.000 next fall?? Next week me, Harald and Saga will have a study group about a book Harald recomended. I will buy the book today. 

At Bleed Ive been working a lot with Visit Norway and a project for them regarding safety in nature. Ive been given a lot of responisibility, and its been quite fun. I went to Preiestolen for a week f.ex to Art Direct 5 movies. Now Im finalizing the project and am hoping that it will end up smooth. 

Im also the leader of Grafill Grafisk design, and would really like to make a bit more out if it. I dont think I am goving it the attention it needs atm, so I will talk more with Sara about this today. How can we make the most out of this??

Relations:

Me and Ingemar still hang out a lot as friends and that’s working out relatively fine. Hes still a bit much to handle sometimes though. Last week he started dating someone new. A 22 year old, super sweet and stunning guy from Rogaland. At first I was weirdened out by it and not quite sure how I felt. Was I jealous? Did I feel old? What was I supposed to feel? Everyone also got quite drunk and they started kissing very openly in the middle of the room, in fornt of everyone. I think my reaction was that I just got a bit numb and not sure how to focus my thoughts. I ended up sitting down with them and talking with the new guy and I really liked his personality.  I think he is good for Ingemar, and I think I can get used to seeing more of him, and also letting my friendship with ingemar more normalized. It feels kind of like he is a younger brother, or something a long those lines.

After the last time I wrote, I asked Germain what he wanted, and he was honest and straight forward about him not being in the right space to move forward with me. He got in touch agin a few weeks ago and we met. We tried to have sex, and the chemistry was gone. I think I got a bit overwhelmed by it all. It has felt like so many failures and rejections in the love-sector lately and I think it definitely put me a bit down mentally. I had a long break from both seeing and meeting up for hookups with boys, with was really good for me. A slow build up that made things more calm and made me stronger and more focused mentally. Having that said I recently had a setback. After easter holiday I sort of went all overboard and digged bit too deep into things - meaning sex. It was soooo nice to have sex, feel passion, skin and lust again after such a long break that I sort of just lost myself a bit into it again. During the past of 4 weeks Ive probably had 15 sex partners, at the most seeing 3 boys in one day. Why? And should I feel bad a bout it? A lot of it is really hot, but I often end up feeling broken in the aftermath. Like I give a little bit of myself each time, and then I loose grip on myself a bit and get this feeling of not begin in control anymore. Its like just urging for more more more more and then then more you get you get this bad tasting sauce. For instance, I met up with a two different guys the to days prior to my lat meeting with Germain. How could I possibly find more room for him from a passionate point of view after that? I could hardly even get it up.. Also, because Im on PreP Ive had more unprotected sex. This again has lead to me now having a STD (not sure which one yet), with is also extremely downgrading, as its only about a month since I tested myself the last time. I am working as a voluntair - testing people for STDs for goods sake. I should be able to have a more grounded relation to sex myself too then no? I think maybe the goal here needs to be that I can see guys for sex, but that I need to cut down on my availability again, as it gets a bit too much into my head. Once every now and then is OK, but not more then once per week. You can do that. Other boys.. Ive met a few great guys here and there, but I am not in a place where I am ready to chase any one right now. Why can’t someone chase me for a change? Lets see what time brings. Vegard and Sigbjørn has a very cute friend called Ole. He added me on both instagram and Facebook so maybe thats good for something. Max is also in town now for a few weeks. Maybe Ill send him a text and checks out if he wants to meet up for a bottle of wine some day next week. Caution though: Max really got to my feelings the last time. Better safe then sorry?

Roger texted me yesterday, like he usually does every 3 - 4 months. Sweet messages. Hes thinking about looking for a new job. Exciting and scary for him I guess. Im missing his lust for me a bit still. 

Friends

I have been hanging out a lot with some new friends of mine quite a lot lately - Vegard and Sigbjørn (a couple). We have met almost every week, and have been on holiday trips together as well as going out quite a lot - also togehter rwith Ingemar actually. Sort of a new unit. Its been really nice to bring in some new perspectives and positive people in my life. I feel I can be 100% myself, and talk about the good and the bad, and they generally make me feel very secure and rooted. We are also heading to Tel Aviv this summer - looking forward.

Life

Someone read my tarrot card last week. It said I had 3 previous love interests that all were differetn and very important for my past developemnt. Duh: Roger, Antti and Tim. It also said that I was in a good place professionally, that I was a good leader, a high performer and ambitioius. For the future it said I would go though a huge change thatwould be really challenging and make me see life in a different way. I could expereince health issues, so I should look after myself. Im thinking this change might be 2018. Lets make the change as proactive and challenging in the rigth ways so I can land safely on the other side...

Other:

Im going for a weeding to Deepti my first girlfriend this week in Kristinasand. Indina/Norwegain wedding with loads of lovely old friends. I actulaly think it will be really nice

The week after Im heading to Lisboa for a weeked to viit a guy I met in Kirgizistan last summer. He is tiny, has a big dick, and a scooter. lol.. I think it will be a fun weekend. 

Im going to Tel Aviv this summer with Benni, Vik, Kris, Vegard and Sigbjørn. Were watching Britney.. hehe. wil be fun. 10 days in a huge appartment. After that Im heading to Kenya to hang with Carmen. Were doing safari, beach and some mountain hiking. Ending it all off in Berlin. Probably broke as hell...

Ok thats it for today!

To do:

- Make 6 month plans

- Talk further with Morri

- Plan Grafill more in depth

- One boy a week

- Book last plane trip in Kenya

- Make a updated better list.....