#like i said i just....havent been in the headspace to think of things i want to do

[risingsouls]

🦎 + scenarios you want to see with your underused muses

🦎s for My Work Thoughts || Always Accepting!

[Hoo boy. I've been a real bad rper and like... not thought about wishlist stuff in a long while. I've been on the wing it train for a good while and it's probably where I'll stay unless I'm struck with inspiration and think I can find someone to indulge me with something plotted.

So as far as my underused muses go, really anything. They're underused. They need some love. Which is more blaming me because keeping their muses awake enough for me to do shit is tough sometimes *stares at drafts*. So I probably just need to give them more brain time to actually answer this and I don't have it rn :'3]

[mystarsohee]

theres nothing like doing nothing with you

genre: fluff, a little bit of angst, comfort

inspired by bruno majors "nothing" mostly the first verse/chorus tbh (also my first post lowk scared !!!!)

!!! non-sexual use of daddy

cg!sohee gn!reader

silently coloring on the living room floor, which is one of your favorite things to do while trying to make time go faster so sohee would come home from whatever hes doing. usually you would wait to move into a younger headspace until sohee came home, but you felt upset. upset over who knows what, you just felt bad that day.

you didnt hear the door open. or sohee walking into the living room, until you heard his voice, "hi baby! im home now okay?" with a smile on his face which always made you feel at ease, and a kiss to your cheek. you only hummed at him. he decided to sit next to you, "your coloring looks amazing baby, you're gonna have to give that to me so i can hang it up!" again, only humming at him to express your agreement.

"do you want to play? or have you eaten? i havent seen you all day!" sohee questioned. you responded, "i dunno" not accepting it as an answer, he got up and headed towards your room. where was he going? all you wanted today was to be near him, but now hes gone again? you slowly start to sniffle, just because you felt bad all day without your daddy, but he disappeared! "baby? what happened?" oh. you looked up slightly, your favorite stuffed animal stared right back at you. "im sorry love, i could tell you were a bit upset and i went to grab a stuffed animal for you before i tried to talk to you." he said along with a kiss to your head. "cm'ere, lets sit on the couch together." without a word, followed his request, you cuddled up next to sohee, comfortably with his arm around you. not wanting him to think you're mad at him, you held your stuffed animal and tried to explain, "i feel really bad."

"bad? did something happen?" he placed the back of his hand to your forehead to check for an alarming temperature. you looked up at him with a pout, "no.. just feel bad." hating to see you like this, he quickly tried to come up with a solution. he brushed his hand through your hair, "well.. seunghan left his nintendo switch here, are you up for a game of mario kart?"

mario kart? sohee knows that you dont play around when it comes to mario kart. in this headspace or not, you wont go easy on anyone. "i'll beat you!" you sat up as adrenaline quickly rushed through you at the thought of playing mario kart. "we'll have to see about that baby, i've been practicing!" he responds, again, with that pretty smile of his.

after one round and your victory, sohee quickly asks for a rematch. "no fair! i was distracted by your cute face." he says, pretending to be defeated, though he knew he would lose because he cant resist your face while you concentrate on maintaining your spot in first place. you can't help but laugh at him, "daddy how did you lose, this one was so easy.." you ramble a bit and criticize his technique, and try to give him advice. though he makes an effort to listen, he focuses on the way your eyes sparkled while talking about something you love. he wonders if you look that way when you talk about him to someone else. snapping out of it, he hears you say "i don't feel like playing this anymore, it's too easy.."

"well, what does my baby want to do? how are you feeling after totally crushing me in mario kart?" he doesn't want to suggest anything, because you usually like to be the one who picks the activities you feel like doing that day. you think for a few seconds, while sohee cleans up the controllers, "i want to do nothing." you do this often, you request to do something that sohee doesn't really know how to give to you. he still does everything in his power to meet your needs. if you ever asked him to bring the stars down from the sky for you, he would do whatever it takes to get them to you. "alright then. nothing it is." so he just sits there. doing nothing. just like you asked. you did the same, sit against him in silence. and you felt perfect! exactly what you wanted. to be with your daddy, and do nothing! just be there with him is all you want.

the both of you sit there, for atleast an hour or two. you just fidget around with his hands, and admire his pretty moles. he just stares at you in disbelief, watching you somehow entertain yourself with just himself! no movie, no phones, just the occasional "i love you" or kiss coming from you or him. theres a million other things sohee could be doing right now, but he doesn't care about that. as long as you're happy and content with the current situation, he would be too.

"have i told you lately, i'm grateful you're mine?"

author note: my first post on tumblr ever !!!! i hope whoever reads this enjoys, and feel free to request something for me to write! im pretty much open to writing anything riize/nct whether its agere or not 💞 feedback would definitely be appreciated!

[your-queer-dad]

hey dad, its me again with everything going on the world is really scary right now... I thank you for every ask you answer, especially those on this topic personally ive been increadibly agoraphobic since we added a really bad pick of a partner to our Poly a year ago, but have since escaped the living situation that included them... long story short, im having a lot of trouble trusting others, between the state of the world right now, my own personal situation that ive mentioned on these asks already, and some welling up feelings for some friends who i want to add to my romantic situation, im in a lot of confusing headspace right now... I have a lot of advice I want to ask for, and alot of needs I have that I dont know how to meet, but overall i just dont feel safe and stable regularly... amnesia doesnt help either, cant lie about that... I told our bio dad about what the therapist said... he doesnt know what to make of it, and honestly i havent had a good track record of him understanding me anyway... so I tend to come here when I want that comfort... you do a lot for all of us! thank you! anyway I think I need to go cry now just to release some emotions so ill end my rant here Loves you DAD! -your daughter Zimmy

PS: any parenting advice? one of our headmates is really small, and our situation is weird so i thought id ask ♥

Hey kiddo!! I completely understand how things can feel so scary and overwhelming. And it's okay to be scared. But I promise you as horrible as the world can seem, there's always goods. I'm glad that I'm able to help and I'm always here for you any time you need it kiddo! And as for parenting advice, is there anything in particular you'd like advice on? 🫂🫂

- dad x

[furox]

Same anon about wellbutrin and trial/error here! Its definitely a rough journey trying to find meds that work (ive spent the last 7 years trying meds and just this year have i found ones that work super well!) but just keep at it and try not to get discouraged, theres a bunch of meds that treat the same thing for a reason and i believe in you!! <3 im also on concerta lol twinsies

Oh also if u have problems w a sleep schedule have u thought about asking ur doctor about whether u may have a delayed circadian rhythm? (if u havent already talked to them about it of course lol) I was initially put on wellbutrin as an antidepressant and to help me stay awake but my newest psychiatrist said it sounded like i had a delayed circadian rhythm (common in individuals w adhd) and gave me modafinil (not an antidepressant just so u know) and it worked SO much better to keep me awake. I take modafinil in the morning and melatonin at night so that i have some sort of regulated sleep pattern (if left to my own devices without school or work or anything, i normally stay up til 3am and wake up around 2pm)

wow thanks for getting back to me, and so fast!

I'm really happy to hear you've found meds that work for you, that's awesome!

Ohhh okay I have read about this before on adhd reddit or sth like that, but I think I do absolutely have a delayed circadian rhythm. My natural cycle is like sleep at 2:30/3 am and get up at 10/10:30, sometimes later if my immune disorder is messing with me.

so just to clarify, you stopped wellbutrin and switched to modafinil? interesting... definitely noting this for the future.

I have been trying to take melatonin on and off recently, but unfortunately it gives me INSANE, vivid dreams (which usually turn into nightmares when I'm already in a poor headspace). I mean I've been having memorable, vivid nightmares regularly as well. lol. BUT when i take melatonin they're somehow way more draining and I feel like I didn't actually get any REM sleep or something like that. I want it to work for me sooo badly and I've even tried taking only half a tablet (I think 2.5 mg total) and even then it's like I'm completely run down after a few days of taking it because I've not really had sleep that actually leaves me feeling rested. I wish it would work so badly....

I'm happy for you, though!!

[mountain-lion-gremlin]

Reblogging to both inform and perhaps even put in a bit about what I know.

I've only been shifting since 2020, so I missed the brunt of the growth/ activity the community has gone through.

I personally practice little tid bits of everything I can find on shifting, and yeah, cults are a big deal. Every community or group has a cult somewhere.

P-shifting cults can still be pretty active where I'm at - and they dont have to be out of the blue, insane claims. They can also be claims that seem true but are just as harmful as anything else.

And that's why I usually fly solo while shifting, and why many of us consider shifting to be "a very lonely path". (I've seen people say this, A LOT.) That's also why I'll probably always collect as much information as I can, the good and the bad, and back up to see what I can believe. I teach from personal experiences, and will always tell others to take what I say with a grain of salt.

A lot of cults, as fakerwhom said, sprout from feeling attacked, and are looking for a safe place to stay. Cults will always be a big problem, and once you join one you probably wont even know it until later.

Cults are usually started by people who want something from others. Whether that be power, money, or to be listened to, cults will always begin with someone who desires something from their followers. And I will say, not everyone starts group and plans for it to become a cult, sometimes leaders are influenced by information and believe that everyone should believe it because it is right.

They biggest indicator is when they say "if you don't have _____, you aren't one of us". This can be innocent, of course, but it can also be incredibly harmful (It's hard to understand the meaning behind text, that's what I mean by innocent.)

"If you dont have the genes you are faking"

"If you havent p-shifted yet you are faking"

"If you dont have a headspace you are faking"

"If you dont experience delusions you are faking"

The list goes on and on. The line between finding the truth about people, outing fakers, and a group that is cult-like is incredibly blurred. Life isn't as easy as saying one thing or the other is truth and the other is false, and that's that.

And I think that a lot of p-shifters now are just looking for understanding. That's why we say we don't want to be affiliated with cults and cult-like behavior anymore.

We aren't telling little kids "to just believeeee" or else they are faking. P-shifting is a personal thing for everyone, and we all deal with various struggles where we might ask for help. We sound like a religion, but it's an identity at the end of the day. Just like Otherkin, just like anyone who is LGBTQ, Just like anyone who is whatever.

We have certain ways that we might teach if asked, on how to p-shift. There's a lot of ways, and it's up to the person themself, who asked, of they want to or not.

And it's scary, seeing people who have been manipulated or hurt by the cults that they've found, joined, and ended up being permanently scarred by what they went through.

Blaze said that he was faking (on how to p-shift). A lot of people, who we might look up to now, might be faking. We just don't know, we just don't know.

That's why it's always, always important to allow others to see, read, and broaden their information flow. A cult will try to narrow this, by telling you they only know the answer, everyone else is crazy, dont listen to them, etc. Giving their members free access to information means that they will think for themselves, and therefore become knowing about what's happening to them.

(That's why I'm always collecting information, everywhere lol. Even the community I have I try my absolute hardest to allow everyone to speak their minds and share information, even if it seems weird or I dont agree with it)

Shifting takes a very long time, and very few of us will go through the whole so said "right process" their whole journey. I think many of us now are collecting past information to save for later, and decide if we want to practice or attempt it later. Many of us make our own journey or path, and although we share, many of us won't force one way or another as the "right" way. (Although I will say, some people will say "you have to meditate daily" or something else. In the end though, as long as you keep learning more, these ideas of forced, strict lines fade away into the background.)

By default I personally think everyone should avoid a group that has an alpha as the leader. (And that is more than just a title!) The whole pack thing is seriously debunked information - packs are formed by two parents and their children, and isn't a bloody, to the death battle for leadership. In media, that just seemed super appealing so it became popular and was somehow adopted by packs within the community. One time I decided to join a group called Silverpack (not Silverpack Kingdoms! Different groups entirely) and I watched in awe and horror of this alpha berating and abusing members who were talking in the general chat because I joined and they weren't quiet (so that the alpha could be all nice and welcome me into their cult ♡). That's dangerous, that's fucking toxic no matter where you look.

And with proof - omg I've seen so much about this and how great it is to prove someone is faking - we aren't obligated to give proof to anyone. Why should we explain, or share proof to people, who will never believe us no matter how hard we try? There's no reason to ask, because we literally cannot fulfill what you are asking that will be satisfactory. P-shifting is incredibly private, and I know (I'm very aware!) On how this sounds. Try as we might to provide proof, it will always be debunked, picked apart, ripped to shreds, and thrown back into our faces. If someone is claiming something outrageous - this is the internet. It's literally the same everywhere else.

Sorry that was sort of aggressive... either way, there will be people who pretend to be things, or fake something, but in the end it's the internet. I don't know what else to tell ya.

Nobody is forced to believe or practice p-shifting. Nobody is obligated to report their progress and share their journey. We share less and less of our stories because they are disliked and hated on, so all that remains, anything else that remains, is stuff from when the community was growing through growing pains, and is probably out of this world and sounds like a roleplay.

It sort of makes you wish things were just black and white (hence the whole mindset of p-shift=bad, it's easier to think of it that way and just go on with your day.) Because there wouldnt be this whole headache of arguing on the internet, people being forced out and bullied, anyone who is hurt or injured or blocked - all because nothing is black or white.

We are all just people, and are just trying to exist as is... just this once, I wish that shifting wasn't so harmful if not taught correctly. I've been lucky that shifting has been a journey of peace and makes me feel more alive - but sometimes it can be taught in such a way that younger people will believe anything, and end up giving up their human life in efforts to shift. (As in, giving up on being human, stop being hygienic or sleeping, wanting to self-harm, etc. It basically makes things worse instead of better.) The largest problem that I see with younger people is that p-shifting inherently tells others that it is an escape from life. And instead of seeking help, or trying to healthily cope, people will turn to shifting as a way to escape from their reality. Same with reality shifting, or anything else that is a practice that takes you away from yourself or your human life. And realizing that you are shifting to escape, especially for me, changed how I shift and probably saved me from so much. It doesnt help that there is this idea that you have to "let go of your humanity" or "being human is bad". Its not, and instead teaching to balance, or heal our human selves can help much more than the former.

And finally, many people in the p-shifting community HAVEN'T p-shifted. Myself, including others who have been shifting for a long time, come to the conclusion that p-shifting isn't your whole life. It isn't the end-all, it isn't the ultimate goal of shifting. Heck, I haven't even p-shifted. And if it's not possible? I don't mind, I'm enjoying my life either way, as best as I can. All of us just want to be happy at the end of the day, and if I'm so said "crazy" or "delusional" because I believe that I can p-shift, then so be it. I just want to be happy, just like anybody else! P-shifting and being with a community of others who also believe can be welcome and comforting - I've met some of my bestest friends being apart of the community, and I wouldn't trade my experiences for the world. I might never p-shift, but that doesn't bother me at all, because I am a mountain lion and it has brought me joy. We focus on the negatives so much, and I hope that perhaps some day we can be less pessimistic. P-shifting is just a shift that physically manifests your identity - and I don't need it to be who I am.

I've never liked arguing lol, it makes me so anxious and it gets hard to type >_>

So yeah that's my piece, feel free to reblog and chat with me about it. I probably missed something or read something wrong, I'm really good at that lol. I just... don't want to be seen as a horrible person because I talk about p-shifting and am trying to p-shift.

Lord. These things aren't comparable. Headmates and phantom limb shifts exist in our minds. If someone claimed that their headmates were physical people they would be just as wrong as a p-shifter. This isn't difficult. Anything that happens In Your Mind is right there. Having thoughts IS the proof. P-shifting is on the same level as religion. "I've been saved/know the way (can physically shift) and if you can't you're just a sinner (fake were). No I don't have proof of God (my transformation) you just have to believe."

[tumblebee-the-smol-bean]

Oh! What about a classification universe where everyone takes a test and gets their classification (little,neutral, caregiver). Everyone gets what was expected (Virge and Ro little and Pat, Lo, and Janus are caregivers). Everyone expects Remus to get neutral but he gets little. He tries to hide it for a bit until Logan walks in and finds out! (Maybe Pat could be Virgil's cg and Janus could be Roman's? What ever works for you!) Thank you!

Warning: there be a few cuss words here babies.

Remus fiddled with the corners of the envelope he held between his fingers. The friend group had all taken the tests together so they could find out their classifications at the same time. And now here they were, all sitting around in Patton's living room.

He wasn't nervous of course. He knew what everyone including himself would get. Patton was literally the dad friend so of course he would be a caregiver, and if Patton was the dad friend, Logan was the stricter, more cautious mom friend. Then there was Janus who was also a mom friend, but a little more relaxed. He would bet money that Virgil and his brother were littles. Vee already exemplified basically all of the traits and he and Patton pretty much already had a caregiver, regressor relationship going as it was. Then of course Roman was just childish and creative. But Remus? Remus was all crude jokes, chaotic energy and innuendo. He would not be a good caretaker and definitely not a regressor. So he was okay with being the only neutral in the group and told them all as much.

"Now kiddo, we havent even opened our envelopes yet! We dont know what any of us are going to be. Don't make assumptions."

Patton wagged a finger at him playfully.

Logan straightened his glasses. "Actually the true answer lies between both of your responses. While we technically dont know what our results are yet we can make an educated guess based on the traits we exemplify and how likely it is for us to be sorted into each category baised off our traits."

"Ugh! Let's just do it already! I'm tired of waiting!" Roman said exasperated before practically ripping into his. He beamed at the results. "We were right! 'Regressor: 4 to 7 headspace!" He cheered. Janus rolled his eyes with a smile. "Now that one was obvious." There are cheers and congratulations from around the circle and they move on to the next person. Janus is of course a caregiver, as are Logan and Patton. When the circle reaches Virgil he shrinks in on himself and fidgets with his envelope, looking at it like it might come to life and bite him.

"Here kiddo," Patton offered, holding out his hand "would you like me to read it?" Verge nodded and handed it to Patton, stuffing his hands in his pockets and looking down.

Patton carefully opens the envelope and scans the contents before breaking out in a smile. "Regressor: 1 to 4 headspace!"

He immediately pulls Virgil in for a hug, likely to comfort him and quell any panic that might be arising as everyone else congratulates him. Virgil of course latches on like a sea monkey and rests his head on Pattons shoulder with a small smile, giggling as the dad friend whispers some joke in his ear, almost assuredly a pun.

Finally only Remus is left. With all eyes on him he smirks and tears open his envelope, ripping out the paper only to stop dead at what he sees in print. He only has a few seconds to think quickly, keep his poker face and turn it into a smile as he tucks his paper back in the envelope.

"Well no fucking surprise here! Nuetral!" Patton reprimands his language but they all smile and clap for him, although Janus looks at him a tad suspiciously.

"Well we should all probably get home. It is getting rather late." Janus commented.

Roman gets a ride with him and Virgil decides to sleep over at Patton's place. That left Logan and Remus.

"Do you require a ride home Remus?" Logan asked.

"Nope! Just gonna shove a broomstick up my butt and fly home on it like a witch!"

Logan looked unimpressed.

"...yeah I could use a ride."

"Well alright then." Logan smiled and grabed his keys. The two waved to Patton and Virgil before heading out the door. They got in the car and Logan double checked to make sure Remus had his seatbelt buckled. He hadn't forgotten the time he almost flew through the windshield and got glass in his forehead because 'seatbelts just take all the excitement out of driving'

Remus rolled his eyes but complied and satisfied Logan began the drive to Remus's house, playing some nerdy music on the car audio.

Remus didnt look at Logan the whole drive. He just stared out the window and felt his stomach turn as he recalled the actual contents of his results.

A regressor. But he couldn't be! It had to be wrong! Roman was the childish one with his disney and cartoons. Remus was...punk, feral, deranged some might even say...he was the furthest thing from a kid.

A few minutes later his thoughts were interrupted by his phone buzzing and he sighed. It was Roman telling him that Janus had agreed to try out being his caregiver and he was going to spend a few days at his house instead. He was going to have a few very lonely days ahead of him. But that might be for the best as he has to process everything.

Before he even realized it Logan was pulling up to his house. He thanked him devoid of his usual energy and walked inside. Missing the concerned look Logan threw his way.

The first thing he did was hide his letter under his mattress and then he stared at the ceiling, trying to figure out how this could have happened.

He came to the conclusion that he wasnt a regressor. The tests were wrong. Or at least he wasnt going to be. He was Remus for satans sake and he intended to stay that way. And if he ever started to feel SMALL. Well then he would just ignore it until it went away. That shouldn't be too hard right?

Wrong. It had been three weeks since they all got their classification and Remus felt like absolute shit.

Both Roman and Virgil had regressed a few times and were settling in with their caregivers. They seemed...happy. but Remus? He was just tired. Every once in a while (especially when things seemed to get ovewhelming) he would feel his head start to go fuzzy and he would begin to feel an odd sense of calm and a sinking feeling. However he was always able to push it down and shake it off before continuing on with his day like it hadn't happened. The only problem was it seemed to be increasing in frequency. It had gone from happening a few times a week to a few times a day and truth be told he was starting to get overwhelmed.

Then it happened. The worst episode hit him while they were all hanging out at his house. The others were having some sort of conversation but he couldn't focus on what they were saying. Too busy trying to get rid of it. It wasnt working though. He subconsciously leaned into the nearest person to him for comfort, which happened to be Logan. He raised an eyebrow at this as Remus was generally not one for physical affection. He wraps an arm around his waist anyways. If Remus needed him he would oblige. "Are you quite alright Remus?" He asked causing Remus to jump and realize what he had been doing. He had to get out of there. Now.

"Mhm! Yuppers, fit as a fiddle...I'm gonna go lay down. Bye!"

And with that he scampered off to his room. Curling up in his blankets he took his envelope out from under his mattress and glared at it as if that would somehow magically change the results. But of course it didn't. All of a sudden his emotions were alot harder to suppress and he was just so confused and upset and angry all at once. He felt something warm on his face and realized he was crying which made him cry harder, he stuffed a blanket covered fist in his mouth to try and muffle the sounds and hugged a pillow close to his chest.

There was a knocking at the door then. "Remus? Are you quite alright? You left rather suddenly and I thought it best to check on you." Logans voice drifted in from outside his door and part of Remus wanted to open it and launch himself into his arms and just stay there, cuddled up while Logan comforted him. But he didn't. He wasnt a baby, he could deal with this on his own.

When no answer came Logan tried to knob and the door creaked open. Remus cursed himself silently for not locking it.

Upon seeing remus curled on the bed, teartracks down his face and obviously upset, logan rushed over and laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Remus? What's wrong? Are you hurt?"

That's when his eyes caught on the envelope on his bed and he picked it up. Remus emmiting a high pitched whine when he did.

Logan looked confused for all of a second before he put the pieces together.

"...you arent actually a neutral, are you?"

He shook his head sadly and Logan sighed, sitting on the bed with him.

"Remus, you didnt have to hide this. We're all here to support you." He rested a hand on his shoulder again and Remus leaned into the touch, giving Logan an idea.

"Remus, may I hold you?"

He practically jumped at the offer and noded vigorously. That's all he wanted right now.

Logan smiled softly and crawls on the bed, leaning up on the headboard and pulling Remus against his chest, where he instantly relaxed. He hummed softly to him and rested a hand on his back.

"May I see your results?" He asked and Remus nodded slowly. He trusted Logan.

Logan nodded and pressed a kiss to the top of Remus's head as he opened up the envelope and took a look at the contents inside.

Regressor: 3 to 7 headspace.

Logan nodded to himself and slipped it back in the envelope.

"Thank you for letting me see that Remus, can you tell me how old you are right now?"

"M seventeen." He mumbled and Logan sighed, changing tactics.

"How many times have you regressed in the last three weeks?"

There's a long pause and Remus shifts awkwardly against him.

"Remus?"

"....none." he whispered. He knew it wasn't good to suppress regression but he had done it anyways.

Logan pursed his lips, but honestly he had expected this.

"Come on love," he coaxedRemus out of the bed. "We're going to get you out of the house so you can regress without being around everyone. Is that alright with you?"

He noded and followed Logan. They left with some excuse about running an errand and get in Logan's car. He made sure Remus was buckled and started the engine.

"Where we goin?" Remus asked curiously.

"The store." Logan responded. "I assume you dont have any supplies?"

Remus blushed and nodded his head. No use buying little gear if you told yourself you weren't going to regress.

They pulled into the parking lot of a store for that purpose a few minutes later and Logan took his hand as they walked through the parking lot which only served to make him feel smaller and push him further into regression.

When they entered the store Logan took him down a few aisles, stopping when they reached the toys.

"Okay, you may pick out two toys, I'm going to go and get you a few more things. Stay there alright?"

Remus nodded, in awe of all the options the toy isle held. While Logan was off shopping he picked out a nerf gun and an octopus plushie, running up to the cart excitedly to drop them in when Logan returned.

He smiled. "Did you find something you liked little cephalopod?" This caused Remus to nod and giggle happily and Logan chuckled back in response. He had filled the cart with other supplies. Sippy cups, pacifiers, a couple of snacks and small foods as well as some assorted juice boxes.

Remus looked at them all in excitment. And Logan led him through the checkout. Buckling him back up in the car with his octopus, the rest of the bags in the back.

Remus swung his legs happily in the passenger seat while he clutched his new stuffie. Gaining a small smile from Logan.

"Are you alright if we go back to my apartment cephy?"

Remus nodded happily and they made their way to where Logan lived. He was the oldest and so he lived on his own in an apartment just off his college campus.

He quickly unloaded all the groceries and picked Remus up, carrying him inside much to his delight.

The two spent the rest of the day together. Remus ate dinosaurs nuggets and ketchup for dinner which he used to create a whole mess that Logan rolled his eyes fondly at but cleaned up. Then they watched cartoons and snuggled together and Logan watched as he used a new coloring book. Praising every drawing even if they were slightly... unorthodox. Eventually Logan announced that it was bedtime for little boys and while Remus pouted when he was set down on the soft bed he couldn't help but look at Logan like he put all the stars in the sky and he gathered up the courage to ask him his question.

"Lolo?"

"Yes Chephy?"

"Will you be my caregiver?"

"I would be delighted to."

The day ended perfectly for both of them, cuddling on the bed until they fell asleep.

[babysizedfics]

so ,, does ro start going little involuntarily a lot, and acting even smaller now. is he a regressor -🌙

he is not a regressor, as i use the definition of age regressing from healthline which is an all encompassing headspace where you are thrown back into that headspace so much that you literally believe that you legitimately are that age - even when roman is acting extra little if you asked him seriously how old he was, he would KNOW hes still a grownup and he is aware of it

romans littlespace has always had a slight involuntary elemenet we just havent talked about it much - but specifically when he is upset you can tell he has less control over being little. not because he is regressing but just because this has become his best coping mechanism for feeing sad or scared so now his mind has connected a link between feeling sad and feeling little, even if that was hard for him at first because he was insistent his littlespace should be only happy

he does act smaller occassionally but mosty to deal with stress. otherwise he has always SOMETIMES acted that young as i said his littlespace doesnt have an age range and tends to mix up behaviours from a lot of age groups. and even in labd some of his behaviour you could pinpoint as being very young especially when he accidentally made fun of vee then burst into tears

its the fact that the cgs have reassured him about these younger behaviours that roman lets himsef indulge more in them now. its not that hes suddenly younger when hes little now, its that hes more open. the younger babaviours were always there, he was just embarrassed about them. he still is, but hes letting himself be vulnerable now

essentially because he has been little so often and because it helps him express negative feelings and because his caregivers have constantly assured him that its okay to be little, it has opened up that bridge between little and big in his mind more so its easier for him to slip between headspace without noticing

its still age dreaming because he still knows hes an adult even if this can sometimes cause distress like in labd chap 3 (when he gets frustrated that he still has adult thoughts even when hes trying to be little)

but also: something i havent touched on much because i wanted to include it in the roman centric fic is the fact that the caregivers question themselves whether perhaps roman has ALWAYS been a little just without realising, or at least was always just a few steps away from it. because when they first experience romans so called littlespace, they recognise it as very similar to just romans bouncy excitable moods that he has always exhibited

basically romans littlespace is not an elusive state, he doesnt need to be triggered by something to get into that headspace, his littlespace is very literally defined as him just letting go of his inhibitions and insecurities, and thats it.

as soon as he lets his imagination run wild and allows himself to get his energy out in any way he wants and lets go of worrying about looking silly, he acts like a child. so it is sort of involuntary in that sense, in that he doesnt really NEED to consciously act like a child - if he just lets himsef be himself with no barriers, it happens naturally anyway. being little is a part of him and the cgs and eventually jamal theorise that it might have always been

which is why when jamal does know about romans littlespace he very calmly tries to get roman to see that actually roman doesnt always DECIDE when to be little, its actually just a part of him that yes sometimes he chooses to indulge, but othertimes it just comes out in his excitement and playfulness

actually here is a note i saved in december last year, it was me explaining romans littlespace to liv:

roman is constantly like a blurred line between big and little and thats true for a lot of things - its not some elusive state. him being little is literally just him letting go of inhibitions

he doesnt even have to put it on tbh its pretty much just him being playful so yeah he has that childish wonder, and whether or not he is little is just down to terminology

so when he is little on command its about half acting (or full acting if patton asked him to be little out of nowhere) but after a few mins or maybe like half an hour it just is HIM not having barriers and thats where tantrums come from - hes just rlly in that 'not having personal restraint' mindset. he doesnt TRY to have tantrums, he just doesnt bother hiding it when he FEELS

he rlly lets go which is why theres no shame in his behaviour - its not necessarily no self awareness but no self consciousness. he might feel embarrassed if he thinks he is acting like a baby (because of how his classmates infantilised him) but otherwise he feels no shame about his behaviour when he is little

[nialltlynch]

8 songs, 8 tags

@sleepy-skittles tagged me, thanks 💟💟 I tried to put in the songs where I could but the tumblr music thing is broken at best. oh well.

1) your favorite song at the moment

idk if this is like my favorite favorite song at the moment but I've been listening to it a lot for fic reasons and it's still in the "this is pleasent to listen to" stage so what more could you ask for.

2) a song you associate with a favorite character or ship

I'm cheating a little bit because this is actually about my OCs but they are some of my favorite characters lol anyway this is on my shortlist for overall vibes for when I need to jump into the headspace. yes they are all awful.

3) a song that could be about you

4) a song you think is overrated

that drivers license or whatever song by that disney high school musical girl who got super popular overnight???? I've never heard it but keeping it that way is getting harder every day.

5) a good song that reminds you of a specific memory

it's not a very good memory but it's a very strong one. i had come back to the apartment at 2:30 in the morning after my shift and he had locked me out again so I waited in my car until I remembered the 24 hour coffee shop and I hung out over there for an hour before feeling weird and going back to the complex and falling asleep in the parking lot. anyway I listened to this song on the drive and I had many many thoughts.

6) the last song you listened to

not really a song but zeldawave ii has been my default background noise for a while. the transition from the astronomy tower to the meeting with the mayor is lovely. highly recommended.

7) a song that makes you laugh

honestly the only song I can think of is the duck song yknow with like.... a duck walked up to a lemonade stand and he said to the man running the stand hey!! got any grapes?? I actually hate this song because Reasons but it's sort of silly and makes me laugh in a wow am i dying sort of way so yes! that one.

8) a song you want your mutuals to listen to

with good headphones if you can <333

trying very hard to think of some people who I havent seen do this yet so if you've already been tagged or don't want to be tagged uhhhh yeah just ignore this <3 @sunel0 @fromchaosandwabeswater @mintmemories @ghostsies @because-they-were-bastards @bookwormlostinwonderland @raindropwindow @neilpvrry etc etc

[glameowr]

hhhhhhh, kinda lowkey panicking oml idk also kinda angry rn gghhhghshag,,,,,, i just- gwhhwvwjsn

so i only had to go to school for 2 hours today to take my exam and my mom had talked to me before about replacing my phone battery cuz it sucks n it would be cheaper than getting a new phone, so as she pulled up to the school she asked me if she could take my phone to get it fixed while i was at school, i was a little hesitant at first but still gave it to her, she asked for my password incase the repair guys needed it, this made me a little nervous cuz i like that im the only one who knows my password cuz it makes me feel safer, but i still gave it to her and made the plan to change it after i got it back.

fast forward to when my exam is over and im getting picked up, she explains that the shop didnt open until 10 am and she didnt have enough time to take it in (my exam ended at 10:30) i said it was okay and took my phone back. so then i get home open my phone, scroll thru tumblr for a minute or two, check my email, i go to open youtube, and decide to close the other apps i opened since its a habit that i have ingrained in myself at this point,

so i double click my home button, swipe away tumblr, and then i see my messages app had been opened recently, im confused since i had closed all my tabs before handing my phone to my mother, i check my messages and see that the unread texts from a group chat i was in have been read, even though they werent before since im rlly bad at responding to things and i hate texting/calling people. then i realize that another app had been opened, (another messaging app) and thats when i rlly start to panic because i havent used that app in 2 months. now i definitely know that my mom snooped through my phone and since i had already opened tumblr, i have no way of knowing if she had gone through it or not. im kinda scared because there's things i dont want her to know about yet on here, but she didnt act any different on the way back so maybe im safe??????

idk and im kinda freaked out and a little hurt because i trusted her not to go looking through my phone, but she did anyway. im definitely changing my password now (which will be a pain since my current one is just muscle memory for me now) and i dont trust her with my phone anymore. when she asks when i want to take my phone in, im insisting on going with her this time.

TL;DR - my mom snooped through my phone while i was at school since i gave it to her so she could get it repaired. i dont know how much she saw and im kinda scared

hhhhhh sorry for the long ask, im in a weird/bad headspace rn, -🍉

thats so terrible of ur mom 2 do that dude !!! our phones are private and she has no right 2 invade ur privacy like that ! it isnt her right at all and frankly im disgusted that she would do that. it doesnt matter if she thinks youre hiding something, thats still your private and personal stuff in there ! if she indicates that she has seen ur messages and ur tumblr, i think you should make it clear that this is a blatant invasion of privacy and that she has no right 2 snoop through ur phone. im so sorry this happened man. i rlly hope she didnt see everything.

[illfoandillfie]

hi i hope you don’t mind me being nosey but i was wondering if i could ask a few things about u being aro? i kinda just wanted to know how u figured it out? and also do u still get feelings for people but choose not to pursue it? sorry if i’m kinda intruding i don’t mean to, just curious

i dont mind at all darl! (actually...lowkey i love when people are curious about it lmao so feel free to ask more questions) also this is going under a cut cause it got longer than i meant it to lmao

figuring it out wasnt easy and it took a lot of self reflection and like months of questioning and doing research and then worrying i was getting it wrong. Basically i first considered the idea that i could be aro when i was approaching my 25th birthday. A friend of mine (the only guy i’ve had any sort of a fling with) had announced he was engaged and i was completely down on myself wondering why i couldnt get a single date when he was off getting engaged (not that i even Wanted to get married i just would have liked some attention). I figured there had to be something wrong with me or something about me that was broken. And then i saw someone i followed at the time reblog a post about being aro. I’d seen the phrase a little before but never really considered it as fitting me but i’d also never really paid attention to what it actually meant. 

I don’t remember what the post was exactly, it’s probably somewhere in the thousands and thousands of posts i’ve liked over the years but there’s no easy way to check so . Whatever it said it felt relatable enough that I went and googled aromanticism to try and figure out what it was and if it fit me. Because I was already in a headspace where I’d been thinking about my lack of a romantic history already, a lot of the stuff that i read had been stuff i’d been thinking about anyway. Like Reader said in Platonic when she was talking about how she figured it out, I’ve never had a proper crush. I spent months thinking about it after my friend told me he’d proposed. I have very vivid memories of literally deciding to have a crush on a boy in primary school because it seemed like i should (again, i included that directly in Platonic lmao down to the boys name and everything). And every guy I’ve had an interest in since has been either a brief physical attraction that i forgot about as soon as I wasn’t seeing him regularly or something that I deliberately manufactured either in an attempt to fit in with the people around me or because i was kind of bored. Even the cute music teacher at work last year like he was hot and i wouldnt have said no to a kiss or whatever but i just didn’t have any feelings about him beyond that. 

While I was trying to figure out if I was aro I read a lot of websites. The AVENwiki has a page on aromanticism and I think also has pages on some of the aro-spec identities like greyromantic and demiromantic so that was a good starting point for definitions. Google also gave me a few different forums and stuff where aro people were talking about being aro. A lot of aromantic resources are tied up in the asexual community though because that’s where the language and everything was first suggested and what it evolved from. I don’t think that necessarily helped me feel comfortable using the term aro to describe myself because i’m pretty confident i’m not ace but the more I looked into it the more stuff I found from people who were allosexual but aromantic. Anyway, I spent weeks just googling “aromantic” and seeing what came up  and rereading what i’d already read and resisting the fact that a lot of it fit me. Then I spent a while trying to find like a quiz or something that would just give me an answer. I found a few quizzes but all of them assumed at least one previous relationship so none of them were any use to me. But gradually I started feeling okay with calling myself aro. I think part of my hesitation was probably also because knowing I was aro didn’t feel like a solution it just felt my damage had a name. The other part is that romantic attraction is not easy to define which makes it hard to identify if you feel it or not so the part of me that wanted to be Normal kept being like ‘well if you dont know you cant call yourself aro’. But I thought about it a lot and I read any aro related post that crossed by dash and then ventured into the tumblr tag and found some helpful discussion stuff in there and then I started calling myself aro just quietly, only in my own head. It took a long time before I felt okay admitting that I was aro on my own blog but obviously i got there in the end lmao. That friend, the one who got engaged, he’s the only person i’ve told irl though. 

as to your second question....

I don’t think I feel romantic attraction. Truthfully, as i said before, it’s hard to know for certain and there is a possibility that i could form a romantic attraction to someone one day but i think it’s very unlikely. Other forms of attraction are different though. I can be attracted to people physically and sexually. And I think I could possibly be attracted to people in a platonic “man i’d really like to be their friend” kind of way though it doesnt come up very much because im not really one to like meet people. I like my own company. 

But i’ve never really acted on any sort of attraction or feelings for others. I was definitely attracted to CMT but I never acted on it because it seemed like too much work. The was a guy who worked at a pop culture collectables shop a few years ago who i thought was very cute and I did contemplate asking him out but it just never felt like a real option and I sort of just ignored it until he left the job. So yeah I guess I do get some sorts of feelings and then choose not to do anything with them, but they aren’t romantic feelings. But like right now I’ve got no interest in anyone (apart from ben and roger but i guess they dont really count lmao). None of the teachers at work interest me and i havent met anyone else recently and it really isnt bothering me. Theres a guy in IT who i could possibly see myself fawning over a bit cause he’s handsome and has an unusual accent but he’s got the same name as my brother so i’ve already ruled him out as a no go lmao. 

Anyway, hopefully that answered your questions! If there’s anything else you want to know or you’d like me to try and explain something more fully my inbox is always open!

[ttlmt]

4, 14, 23

4. share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

oo okay, so i have a few wips and i have no idea when or if they will ever be published - but this is from my dan-taking-his-laundry-to-phils fic/scott helman songfic that i’ve been working on for a while. idk why i like this bit tbh, but i think it captures dans feelings pretty well in the fic.

He thought about Phil and his YouTube channel. Phil with his linguistics degree and his masters in video editing, making videos for thousands and thousands of people, telling his stories and making the world laugh. Making Dan laugh. He thought of his own channel, becoming more popular with each day as people found him or Phil shared some anecdote on twitter about the guy named Dan. He liked making videos. He liked telling the internet stories about how awkward he was and the stupid things he’d done. He liked making videos with Phil. He liked anything with Phil. That’s all he really cared about. YouTube and Phil.

14. at what point in writing do you come up with a title?\

depends on the fic really, sometimes the title is the first thing i think of - often i write songfics or fics loosely inspired by songs so in those cases the title usually comes easy (even if its stereotypical). otherwise i write the whole fic and find some words in it that i think are poignant and use those. or if its based off a real dnp moment ill just use something they said.

23.  what’s the story idea you’ve had in your head for the longest?

psychic. phil. i literally have a whole (short) multichap fic planned out, its just fantasy and worldbuilding (even though this is urban fantasy) is just not my strong suit. i have a few urban fantasy on my irl tbr list to try to get in the right headspace. its something i really love the concept of so i want to do it well.

i also have a pretty much fully written song-fic to ‘wouldn’t it be nice’ that i wrote at my cabin in summer 2019 when i was surrounded by homophobes and just wanted to be me with the people i care about, but it is a mess and i just havent gone and cleaned it up. 

also my dnp birthday photos fic which i have started to publish but im stuck on that one atm.

thank you!

[jawnjendes]

shawn meets... | sapphire(3)

SUMMARY: in the life of a rockstar, shawn mendes comes across some unique people. sometimes, things stray from the norm. (AU, shawn x every one of my oc’s)(continuation/spin off of goth gf)

AN: SPOOKY N SAD AT THE END. tryna get all the spooky out before @fourtristattoos spooky fest ends!! 

***let me know if you wanna be added to the taglist

previous chapter (this did not appear in the tags, so pls read if you havent done so already)

sapphire’s blog | sapphire’s playlist | masterlist

Sam Doyle was five foot eleven inches of pure, Irish sex. There was no other way to put it, really. He wasn’t exactly great looking, but the sheer amount of confidence and chaotic energy he had upon arriving to Sapphire’s mansion was enough to get Shawn reeled in as well.

He had sparkling blue eyes, a man bun, and a decent amount of scruff. He was just how Sapphire had described him: clad in all back, several tattoos going up and down his arms, and very broody. He was a mystery, and it was like a bus that Shawn was hit with the realization that he actually does have a type: the mysterious, brooding loners who wear all black. Sapphire was the odd one out in the group of people Shawn has been interested throughout the last few years.

"Nice to meet you, Shawn," Sam said in a tone that matched his outfit. He had a strong grip as he shook hands with the singer. "Sippy wasn't lying when she said you're a looker." He winked.

"More than a looker," Sapphire said, leaning against the Irishman and hugging his arm. "He's a dream."

Shawn was not the type to get so flustered, but that was before he met Sapphire. He swore this entire house was changing his state of mind.

"Stop," he said in a voice more docile than expected. "You're way too nice."

"Just calling it as it is," Sam told him with a grin.

Sam Doyle kept Sapphire Lilith to himself for the first two days he was at the mansion. The two of them were holed up in the pink bedroom, not caring who heard or saw what was going on. Shawn had no part in it, he wasn’t the center of attention, and it made him feel some kind of way. He could have left the estate altogether, but Sapphire sent him periodical texts reminding him to stay. He couldn’t bring himself to disobey her.

There was no choice but to wander. Shawn used the gym as often as he pleased, mostly to get rid of the frustration. Sometimes he lounged in the library, find all sorts of books to get lost in. It was actually quite pleasant, even though there was a voice in the back of his head telling him that this whole situation was just a little weird. The voice sounded like Andrew, who actually called him.

"So, we're going back to Toronto tomorrow," he told his client. "Should I call a car for you?"

How is it that Shawn literally forgot he had been in London for work things… in the middle of his break. No, he would not be going to Canada today or tomorrow or anytime soon. He tells Andrew just as much.

"Why not?" he asked, clearly annoyed. "We have things to do before you get back to recording!"

"I'm supposed to be on vacation right now, I don't want to work," Shawn said, glancing up at the ceiling as he heard a rhythmic banging noise.

"You're still hanging around that socialite, aren't you?" Andrew guessed. "What, is she paying you to stay with her?"

Shawn scoffed. "No. I like her, and she likes me. I'm well taken care of here."

"For now. What about when she's done with you?"

The banging sound persisted, so Shawn walked out into the hallway, phone pressed to his ear. Walking up a flight of stairs, he realized he was getting annoyed as well. He didn't want to leave the Lilith Manor anytime soon, why didn't Andrew get that?

"When she's done, she's done," Shawn said, despite the fact that the girl in question had another person in her bedroom and he wasn't allowed to get in on it. "It's nothing serious, anyway."

"If it's not serious, then why are you so keen on staying with her?" Andrew asked. "Look, I heard about what happened with you and Brian. He's sorry about-"

Something went off, and Shawn snapped. "If he's sorry, he can come tell me himself!"

Andrew was silent for a moment. "I don't know what exactly happened, but you need to get it together. Are you really going to let one argument with your best friend stop you from going home?"

"Look, you're not my mom, so back off. I'll go home on my own terms."

"Hey-"

Shawn ended the call and sighed. He leaned against the wall, bumping the back of his head against it. He wasn't staying here because he was mad at Brian. That's stupid. It's petty. He was staying at the Lilith estate because he genuinely wanted to. Sapphire was kind and generous, and really unlike anyone he’s ever been attracted to.

He really couldn’t remember the last time he was into someone so feminine. So charming. Someone with such goddess-like energy… but god and goddess wasn’t the right way to put it.

It had gotten awfully quiet in the vicinity as Shawn wandered while on the phone. He peered into the room he was standing outside of and… Well, there was a time in his life where he wouldn’t question the sight of a skull or pentagram. Now, it was different and a little jarring.

The room was pink, just like any other. This one was decorated with a neon light in the shape of a pentagram hanging on the wall. Large blades with pink handles were hanging on either side of the gram, and a goat skull was hanging above it. There was a little table against the wall underneath all that. Shawn stepped closer, finding a little bowl and a closed pocket knife on the surface. He felt the hairs on his arms and back of his neck stand up, and a bizarre chill went down his spine. There was a slight burn under where his necklace hung and he looked down at his chest.

Maybe a pentagram and a rosary in the same room wasn’t a good mix after all.

Shawn turned on his heel, intending to leave the room and act like he saw nothing, but someone was standing in the doorway.

“Lookin’ for something?” asked Sam.

Okay, he was literally on the floor above with Sapphire. How could he move so fast and track Shawn down so easily?

Also, why did Shawn feel like he had been caught with his hand down his pants? He was just wandering, which he was allowed to do. He couldn’t help the heat rising on his face, or the stammering of his words as Sam’s blue eyes stared him down.

“Well? Spit it out, pet,” he pressed, but he didn’t sound playful anymore. His eyes got darker, literally. The irises turned black for a split second before returning to their brilliant blue.

It made Shawn’s heart pound in his ears. Did he even dare mention what he just saw? Did he even actually see that? He didn’t blink, did he?

“I was on the phone,” he finally replied, face heating up even more at the nickname. “Wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. I think I got lost.”

“Best to get lost somewhere else, then.” Sam trailed his eyes down Shawn’s body. “You need to get rid of that thing around your neck.”

He looked down at his rosary. “My grandmother gave it to me.”

Sam raised his eyebrows. “Huh. I guess you’re not as obedient as Sippy said.” He gestured for the other man to follow him.

On most occasions, Shawn wasn’t so docile. He would have asked more about this room and the problem with his rosary if it weren’t for the headspace he had been fucked into. He knew when and how to get out of it, but it was always looming on his shoulders. It just took the charm of some pretty people to get it out, and so far, that only pretty person was Sapphire.

He followed Sam up to Sapphire’s bedroom. Shawn ended up watching them fuck with his hands tied behind his back. It was a good way to forget about the black eyes.

~

The very next day, Sam had left the property, and apparently without warning. It was the first time Shawn had seen Sapphire break her bubbly demeanor.

“Come with me,” she said to Shawn after breakfast.

Like a lost puppy, he followed her down to the gym. Sapphire took off her silk robe to reveal the sports bra and leggings she had on. She approached the punching bag hanging from the ceiling.

“Hold it for me,” she commanded as she cracked her knuckles.

Shawn stood behind the bag, mildly weary. “Shouldn’t you put on some - oof!”

Sapphire punched the bag once, hard enough to make it lurch into Shawn’s body. He didn’t question her methods anymore and silently held the bag.

She was always the one doing the grabbing, pulling, and pinning down, yet only now was Shawn realizing just how strong Sapphire was. Every blow she delivered to the bag made Shawn’s stance against it falter. She didn’t even have any use for sports tape or gloves. Her bare, manicured hands and a crazed look in her eyes was all that was needed for her to get her frustrations out.

After her workout, Sapphire requested to be left alone. Shawn might as well have disappeared. He would have if he wasn’t so needy for her attention. It was like crack. Sweet, baby pink crack.

He did leave her alone for a few hours. But he knew she wasn’t feeling okay, and he didn’t want to let her wallow in it. He found her in one of the living rooms, curled up on the couch with her phone in hand. Sapphire was draped under a fluffy white blanket, the picture of sadness.

Shawn went to sit on the floor in front of the couch. He reached over and stroked the side of her face. Sapphire made a tiny noise at the touch, picking her head up off the pillow. When her glittery eyes opened, Shawn was not expecting to see bright red irises. He recoiled a little bit, remembering the recurring dream he had along with Sam’s black-to-blue eyes. Still, Shawn didn’t move his hand away..

“Contacts?” he guessed, feeling weary for some reason.

She nodded, still looking upset. “What do you want?”

“You’ve been tense all day, honey.”

Sapphire had a little pout on her cute little lips. She wasn’t as stubborn as other girls that Shawn has dated, and she sat up after a moment, patting the space next to her.

“Lovers don’t mean shit, right?” she said when Shawn was sat next to her. Her voice was oddly soft and innocent.

He blinked. “Define lover?”

“I don’t understand the concept of love,” she said. “I understand companions. Friends. Sex. All of that for fun. I enjoy the company of others, even if I don’t sleep with them. I enjoy the company of my staff, I don’t sleep with any of them, nor do I intend to.”

“Well,” Shawn said, “you care about them, right?”

Sapphire nodded.

“You want your friends to be happy, live their best life and everything?”

“Yes.”

“That’s love.”

She paused for a moment, scrunching her brows. “Well, I understand that! It’s just… going on dates? Holding hands? You can do that with your friends. Spending the rest of your life with one person? I can’t see that.”

Shawn understood now. “Oh, you don’t feel romantic attraction? Not even for Sam?”

“No. He and I have been together for years, and it’s always been open. We’re each other’s best friends, tied for life. I was something else before I met him.”

“People come and go from your life, no matter what. And you’re always, always changing. Nothing’s permanent.”

The blonde looked down, a pensive look on her face.

“Or…” Shawn trailed off. “Has, has Sam hurt you? Is he not good to you?”

Sapphire looked up at him. “He and I are fine. She - I love spoiling him. And we have all seen what he’s like in bed. Like I said, it’s for life. I just don’t love him the way a wife would love her husband.”

“Does he know that?”

“I’m sure he does. He does this a lot, just runs off whenever he pleases without so much as leaving a note. It hurts a bit when he does that.” She paused. “I even have to send Kat to see if he ran off with my Tesla! That thing was custom made!”

So what’s the problem then, other than Sam’s departures are painful?

“He’ll come back,” Shawn reassured, “if he cares, he’ll come back.”

Sapphire scoffed. “In a hundred years perhaps. Fuck’s sake, why can’t this stupid little brain realize she’s being used! Stupid little boyfriend doesn’t love or care! He just fucks!”

Shawn wasn’t sure what she was talking about, and he was too afraid to ask. Not to mention, Sapphire just confirmed she was okay with just being friends with Sam. So he tried a different approach.

“Why don’t we forget about all of this for a while, eh?” he asked gently, offering a smile.

He really should have started with that.

~

There’s animalistic sex, and then there’s whatever that was. It was hot, sure. But Shawn had a few too many scratch marks right where his heart was and nowhere else on his body. Well, apart from the restraints around his wrists that kept him bound to the headboard. Sapphire was especially harsh this time, and all she did was ride him.

She made all sorts of noises that probably wouldn’t normally come from a typical human. A type of guttural growling that didn’t match her sweet voice bubbled out of her throat several times, and she didn’t say anything to her partner. There were no words of praise or coos of his name. Just… borderline demonic sounds.

They were both sweating by the end of it, and Sapphire’s noises sounded more like herself, but distressed. She whimpered like she was in pain as she rolled off of Shawn’s body. Her body collapsed next to him and she curled up into a ball, panting softly.

It worried him. She was never like this after sex, had something gone wrong? He turned his head, watching her body shake slightly, and he tugged on his restraints.

“Saph? Honey, what’s wrong?” he asked, but received no answer. “Sapphire, hey. I need you to untie me.”

She hiccuped and listened to him. She sat up, keeping her head down, probably knowing that Shawn was watching her face, as she reached over and untied the rope from his wrists. As soon as he was free, Shawn sat up and scooped the blonde into his arms, gently shushing her.

“I know, it was really intense,” he soothed. “You really got into character, eh? Those contacts give you power or something.”

Again, she didn’t respond. Sapphire merely leaned into his chest, trying to make herself as small as possible. Shawn planned on holding her for as long as she wanted, but even that was interrupted.

A rapid knock sounded on the door, followed by Kat’s voice. “Ms. Lilith?”

“You don’t have to-” Shawn was about to say, but Sapphire was out of bed in the blink of an eye.

She picked her robe up off the ground and put it on before opening the door a crack. Shawn sheepishly got back under the covers, shielding his modesty. He heard the two women speak to each other in hushed tones, and he noticed that Kat was panicked. Her composure was nowhere to be seen. Then Sapphire gasped.

“Oh… oh, I see.” She closed the door once again and then went to her wardrobe.

“What happened?” Shawn asked, watching her as she stripped off her robe and pulled on a pink nightgown.

“Nothing, darling,” she replied, keeping her back to him as she pulled out another piece of fabric from her wardrobe. It was sheer and black, another robe. She put it on, and it trailed along the floor as she swiftly went back to the door. Then she turned to him and quickly blew him a kiss. “Just get some sleep, alright? I have things to tend to.”

The last thing he heard in the hall was Kat scolding her employer for “changing clothes at a time like this.” He sat there on the bed, naked and confused. That weird chill went down his spine, like when he was in the pentagram room. Some type of anxiety formed in his chest as well, something was telling him to deny Sapphire’s request.

Shawn got dressed as quietly as he could, trying to make out the voices out in the hallway. He pressed his ear to the door, and heard Kat’s heels come to a stop. Just as Shawn placed his hand on the knob, he heard Sapphire’s voice right outside the door.

“Darling?”

He answered the call, meeting Sapphire’s blue eyes once more. Her face was full of worry, and she was playing with the fuzzy ends of her sleeves.

Wait. Her eyes are blue.

“Your-” Shawn was about to say.

“Darling, your friend came over,” Sapphire said over him. “And, er, there’s been an accident.”

Her eyes are blue.

“What?” he asked, his mind being pulled in every direction. “What? Wait, I- what friend?”

“Red hair.”

“Brian?” He and the team left for Toronto yesterday. There’s no way he could be here. “Where is he?”

Shawn was about to step out of the room, but Sapphire placed her hands on his chest. She still had that concern on her face, and it wasn’t exactly reassuring.

“There was an accident,” she repeated.

“What happened?”

But Sapphire didn’t answer. As if on cue, she stepped to the side to reveal Kat, who had been in the hallway. Her face was much more composed than how she sounded a few minutes ago. She stepped forward, looking Shawn directly in the eyes.

“Your friend was let in earlier tonight,” she explained calmly. “It was presumed he was looking for you. He was walking up one of the flights of stairs, and he slipped. He fell backwards, into a glass table.”

“What the fuck? Is he okay? Where is he?” Shawn made another move to leave the room, but both women stopped him.

Kat continued, keeping the same cool tone. “He somehow crashed into the table neck first. An ambulance was called and is on the way, but I couldn’t find a pulse. I’m sorry, Mr. Mendes.”

All the directions his mind was going in suddenly halted. Only one thought that passed through his suddenly foggy brain: Her eyes are blue.

next chapter

_______

taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @shawnsunflower @someoneunimportantxx @chillingbythesea @theprivatesmutacc @iloveshawnieboi

[cocona]

anyway im back here again cos apparently idk what a diary is nor what a private acc is n i dnt want a character limit to say whats on my chest so.

i feel guilty for trying to take my life bcos dealing with the aftermath is a hassle n now my parents have to pay disgusting amounts of money bcos i decided to get shitfaced w porto n xanax at 8am before class n fainted on the bus n almost smashed my skull here n there. n bcos im gross like that the dizziness made me feel so good it was enjoyable to sit on the floor waiting for an ambulance. when they asked me what had happened to me, i was so dazed i started crying n then said i had taken a lot of pills ! which i had. but i didnt mention the alcohol cos i hadnt taken enough for it to be noticeable. barely three gulps. im not even a heavy drinker or whatever n at that point i rlly just wanted to faint or die or sth in between n i didnt achieve any of those. i just rlly . existed n floated until i got admitted in the hospital n put on these robes and started crying a lot cos it all fell on my head. i’d be living monitored. i’d be living. and also, now my parents had to deal with me going to the hospital for the second time in less than a week cos i cant keep my hands off prescription pills. the therapists there kept saying i was banalising it too much n that trying to kill yourself isnt light. but ik that and it’s not because they tell me that i’ll feel any less numb. idc ! hm . idk why im writing this. because im idealising abt passing away again and i feel the need to say it somewhere. the semester is starting in three weeks and id like to be positive about it n hope for the best n start living like a normal college student but already i feel waves of heat all over n my palms are sweating n im starting to feel what i see and see what i feel. it’s so bad . weird ass symptoms i cant explain but that are due to anxiety n dissociation n their weird crossovers. it’s seven in the morning and i havent slept all day. i could easily stay awake until i complete a 24h shift and then clock out for five days. the only reason why i dont try anything dangerous is because i dont want my parents to feel like i cant be trusted just bcos i have wild tendencies. lately ive been afraid of becoming addicted to things because i keep watching things abt them. id never smoke to the point where id be a stoner and id never become an mdma addict but it seems that any form of escape would soothe me greatly. i take engagements that lead nowhere. the director of uni said that he felt like i wasnt there seriously. i am not indeed. i am but a soul trying to leave bcos it’s too much. im tired as hell and i dnt even want to wait for a walk in to take over, i just want to end it all. but at the same time i accepted to go back this semester so my parents wouldnt worry, so i wouldnt be bored, and so tht if i was supposed to meet my soulmate @ uni i dnt miss them. these are laughable reasons but theyre reasons nonetheless. everyone has their ways of coping and finding motivation i suppose. i feel embarrassed to write things for everyone to see but i think only i will be reading this later. listening to sad songs does help to get in a certain headspace. i dont want to sleep because then i wont have these songs. im scared of losing everything else but what i want to lose. i wish i had a valid reason to take time off without having to pay back my scholarship and without feeling like im wasting the resources of medical institutions and professionals. bcos what is there about me. what even is wrong with me. why do i feel so bad ! why do i feel so bad, nothing has ever happened to me and yet i feel stressed and sad n like trash and i want to die but also i have massive ego boosts n im embarrassed n blush a lot . why am i like this. these days ive been asking myself if it’s normal to be still single when ure a wlw n ure 17 but i suppose that since we’re repressed it’s normal. i suppose that since the first girls i ever kissed were my sister then my best friend it’s normal id feel gross about my sexuality. i suppose that after men liberally rubbing their hands on my thighs n boys making fun of my misshaped body through all of my school years it’s only normal that id hate my body. disgust is a common theme, alongside disease and vomiting. things like that. i wish i had a clear image of my duty and role here. all i feel is pain. what am i even here for. i feel like i broke so many rules and that in a sense i cant be saved anyway. i just want to feel loved and useful and like i fit in for once. im tired of saying i like being alone because im too anxious to open up and too timid and used to being talked to first that idk when to stop talking and when i reveal information abt me thats not normal to be revealed in regular human interactions. i want to keep living so that there will be a book with my name with hundreds of unsent letters. perhaps ppl will relate to this later as well. heartache is normal. but why dont i get any precise diagnosis and why am i still doing so bad even after all this time... im tired of being angry and embarrassed and sad and aggressive and disgusted n feeling worthless and useless... give me a purpose.... or give me the tools to leave calmly and quietly... with no loud movements !

[sebastianthecrabx]

pensieri doccia

As the title suggests, this is everything i could get from my mind during my shower.  There is always a sense of awkwardness, but after 5 minutes its gone. Tonight was different, my heart rate was high before i got to hers and i wasn't panicking because i felt safer knowing that she was there next to me. It had been a while since id seen her in person, but i wanted to see her before she went on holiday. Dinner was the same place as last time, but tonight just felt better, she gave off that kinda of aura i havent felt in a long time. At times it got serious and and times it was playful, and you might find it weird but when you both have the same common ground (ex relationship) it almost just flows better when you can relate.  In a way i was kinda happy i wasn't with my mates, one who said some not to nice things about her recently was a little mad i saw her tonight, but in a way it felt right. She made me feel good about myself, did my head in a few times but most importantly she was smiling and laughing. The same thing i have on my phone and i got to see it happen, it just made my heart warm knowing i could be a part of it. No dessert was also a mood, we literally lost track of time at dinner and it was perfect, i could have sat there all night with her and i wouldn't have cared. She got her christmas gifts which i thought at the time were a nice touch and sometimes i think she must realise im an idiot for buying her stuff but that's just me. The ride home was a mixture of music, talking and a little silence at times, but she wouldn't hesitate to break it. Whats weird is that during those moments of silence i could only think to myself how someone could let her go like this. Brief thoughts because of course shes talking again. Before you know it we are parked outside hers. For what felt like no time at all we got lost talking about everything. I’ve never wanted to best for someone more than now, there was a point where she was crying and i wanted to hold her and tell her it will be alright but it just didnt feel right for me to try. At a point listening to her speak about how broken she was got me right in the eyes and for some reason someone was also chopping onions in the car idk why.  She’s literally the most perfect human being and to think someone had the audacity to ruin her and continue to so fucking hurts. If you met her you would know, shes always mean well, wants the best and gives her heart 100%, she’ll smile on the outside even if things arent great, just so someone else can. 

TO THINK SOMEONE FUCKING BROKE THAT, BROKE HER. 

Seeing her cry for the first time made me realise that i never want this to happen to her again, and i will do fucking anything to make sure it doesnt. Its for that reason i sit here in the shower thinking about how i can make her 2020 better, and the indecisive moments ive had. Some choice words from her, 2nd guessing and overthinking myself , as well as opinions a ive had from a close mate always keeping wondering whether ill get the chance and am i strong enough to be here in the long run.  There is still so much i want to tell her, so much i want to show, so much she fucking deserves.

 Like none of you will understand, i have the card for her in my room, i planned this whole gift giving thing for months but she’s never been in the right headspace and obviously isnt ready for any of that. I wrote it twice because the first time i wrote it there was tears all over the paper because i have the emotional stability of a cup sometimes. 

Tonight, fucking tonight, i felt like i was in the same place 3 years ago. She made me happy, she made me laugh and want to kill her sometimes. I dont if she intended on it but it happened, it might be too early to call already but its like ive found my balance for 2020 already. 

I miss her and she’s not really mine

[mieczyhale]

throwing together some of my recent/ish hc posts/tags for @hellomyguru bc its a thing, babey (i have no idea what you’ve seen and what you havent bc tumblr really just suck like that so lmao)

my tags on this post::  #HELL YEAH HELL YEAH #more pride hcs!!! noice!!#i love these sfm#like klaus always taking part no matter how bad shit is bc HIS PEOPLE!!! and ben trying to punch picketers and homophobes is fucking adorbs#and i would kill (whoop) for the day klaus makes ben corporeal during pride and ben can punch all the people and then disappear#vanya’s is cute. come to the light darling!!#and diego fksgjf okay listen whether one hcs him as bi or not this is 1000% something he’d do either way#he’s supportive!!! and he has lgbtqa+ family!!! and nobody gets to be mean to his family but him!!#see also:: the first year after the apocalypse is avoided five decides to tag along when klaus saying he’s taking dave to#his very first pride. he not only enjoys himself but he learns a lot and either then or over the course of the following weeks figures his#own labels out - bc i hc five as asexual and i just have a thing for klaus being the all knowledgeable one about something for once#and his siblings learning about gender and sexuality from him and maybe discovering something new about themselves along the way!#except luther. he’s a cis hetero and we all know it#but maybe he learns to be a good ally. maybe#i mean probably not but whatever#allison is the only other person in the family who i’d even consider calling straight#bc there’s nothing wrong with being straight and i just.. dont have another label that i think fits her really well#so yeah ive got gender and sexuality hcs for them all flgkscndn happy pride month bitches

my tags on this post:: #’you’re telling me this happens every year?? for a whole month??!’ #actually i need every possible concept of dave experiencing pride month and seeing how far things have come for gays#like rainbow shit everywhere#and of course the legalization of gay marriage#out and proud gay politicians and gay people in positions of power#the amount of support that comes when homophobic shit happens now#homophobia isnt the accepted norm anymore#another thing i like is the concept of - either during pride or just in general - dave being excited to learn about the community as a whole#his boyfriend is a nonbinary pansexual and klaus has explained before what those words mean but dave wants to really understand#we stan a supportive and loving couple#dave has a lot to learn in 2019 but i think this stuff would be the most important and have the most effect on him yknow??#shit isnt perfect but its better and now he can work on getting passed the environment he was raised in#so he can hold klaus’s hand in public and kiss him around other people without panicking and eventually he proposes because HE FUCKING CAN#HE CAN DO THAT. HE CAN JUST.. ASK HIS BOYFRIEND TO MARRY HIM. LEGALLY.#good fucking shit

my tags on this post:: #did you see the state of the sky in the apocalypse?? there’s a chance he really wouldnt have noticed#i mean like yeah it could be a funny plothole#but there could also be reasons for why thats not something he noticed#or idfk man timeline shit#maybe the moon didnt explode the first time around#maybe it did and there’s just another moon somehow some way#maybe he didnt notice bc he was first too scared and then too frenzied and angry probably and then he had shit to focus on and math to do#and then dolores wanted to go on dates to the local wine cellars and flat empty areas that used to be parks and then there was spending days#in the library together like having a girlfriend is a lot of work okay#maybe five just didnt have the time to slowdown and consider things like space#maybe his headspace was too fucked#sometimes you just forget about the moon - i know i do!#so sfgksncjf okay y e ah

my tags on this post:: #YES!!! #yes yes yes #okay #so#everytime someone mentions or even hints at dave having anger issues i wanna fucking cheer bc thats one of my biggest hcs for him#like yeah he’s sweet and gentle and respectful and all that - genuinely a good man - our lil jewish gay#BUT#he did grow up in the 50s and 60s which as op said would have surrounded him with a lot of toxic masculinity. now i dont think he would be#a toxic kind of masculine AT ALL but it definitely would have forced him to hide his emotions and feelings and idk hobbies and of course his#sexuality. and i say hobbies bc there isnt a canon answer for it i dont think but i personally hc dave as being someone who loves art#specifically: drawing. dave keeping a lil sketchbook and some pencils under the pillow on his cot in vietnam?? yes please#so anyway yeah - he wouldnt have really had any good examples of how to properly take care of your anger - although he has enough#heart and common sense to know its really fucking wrong to take it out on women and children and people one is dating WHICH - another hc i#have that ties into this is that somehow his dad found out that he’s gay and beat the crap out of him over it. because unfortunately thats a#thing that happens. so his main male example was an abusive pos. and then he goes to vietnam which is fine because its not like he has#anyone stateside that will miss him - that will talk to him anymore - and its a warzone so there are a lot of ways to work out your anger#and yeah that of course includes bar fights. and he does - usually - try and keep a hold on his anger until he’s away from anyone who might#feel threatened - and he doesnt wanna end up taking out an innocent on accident - but he’s not actually perfect and so sometimes he fails#and it happens around klaus one time and seeing his love’s reaction - the making himself smaller - trying to hide - going quiet and so#clearly afraid - and not just afraid but afraid OF HIM - freezes him to the core where he stands because nobody has ever reacted like that#before. or if they have he never noticed or cared because they didnt matter. but this is klaus. his klaus. who he loves and would never do#anything to hurt him. his klaus who he protects and defends and knows he wants to spend his life with - no matter how impossible it is#he wants to go to klaus and apologize - try to undo the damage done simply by him raising his voice and lashing out - but he doesnt know#what to say or how to say it - he doesnt know what to do with the situation honestly. so he leaves the tent and goes to take his renewed#anger and frustration out on whatever he can find so he can calm down and hopefully get into the right headspace to have whats#no doubt going to be a really hard conversation with his boyfriend. because where do you even start??#but of course they talk it out and dave promises to work on his anger and on how he lets it out and yknow.. its dave so klaus trusts him and#it takes some time - there are some incidents - but dave works hard and learns a lot from klaus - including how to unlearn a lot of shit he#grew up with - and its rough but having a partner from the future who breaks all kinds of barriers definitely helps#so y eah. those are my brief feelings on it and i wanna marry op 

my tags on this post::   #!!!!!!!!!!!! #YES #i adore this post#i could never pinpoint why the introduction on the bus made me feel like That but this is it!!#its just so sweet and innocent - even surrounded by other soldiers in the middle of a warring country#the innocence and unbearable fucking adorableness of their first convo on that bus just… its so bright and lovely it makes everything else disappear#the only thing that matters is the two guys getting to experience that ‘o h’ moment for the first time in their lives bc their childhoods#never let them have that #i assume#bc like op said klaus didnt go to a regular school and he wasnt p much stuck in that house and then he was on the streets so#and for dave like.. i guess he could’ve had that moment in school? but it would’ve been one-sided and he never would have#told anyone. 1960s. gay jewish man. yeah.#they’re each others first (and only) loves and i just really fucking adore that and live off of posts about them 

my tags on this post:: #what if he wasnt dead-dead though???#bc like… the day five found them all dead was apparently the day the apocalypse happened right? so its not like they’d been dead for days#weeks or w.e yknow??#and the time between klaus dying and coming back is varying and undetermined - there’s no canon timing for the length of his deaths#so what if he came back to life??#like okay i know its not really possible in canon bc five buried them i think?? or is that a fanon thing??#i cant remembering #anyway#but still - in general klaus not being permanently dead in the apocalypse is another possibility#and five didnt know about it bc after finding them all he began his 45 year journey#and klaus wakes up alone and essentially has to learn to survive and he doesnt know five was ever there bc..well.. yeah#five is long gone#maybe klaus lives out his days in that wasteland#and he doesnt remember it where five does bc five time traveled back and klaus didnt. the klaus that got stuck in the#apocalypse is a different klaus - like a different timeline. the klaus from ep1 never got stuck in the destroyed future so#he’d have no knowledge or memories of it or anything#or - second thought - he kills himself at some point after waking up and either begs god to let him stay dead or he strikes some kind of#deal with her so he doesnt have to return to whats left of earth#oooo or something happened that put a lock on his powers?? like yknow those cuffs and devices and stuff in stuff in fantasy that freeze the#users abilities?? that’d be an interesting plotpoint bc then like who did it and why and what was the last day really like? yknow#vanya’s meds but More is the idea #just a thought#but anyway idk im just a big fan of klaus with the inability to die and all the possibilities that brings 

my tags on this post::   #i’ve actually never stopped to consider why he didnt notice them except for my v first tua watch-thru#which is odd bc like that seems like a thing one should notice after a few watches??#but w.e #anyway#my only other hc for that part of the episode isnt that klaus didnt notice them bc he’s used to guns#it’s that he didn’t hear them#or that they weren’t loud enough -to him- to register as gunfire initially#bc like one of my close hcs is that he has bad hearing. growing up with people screaming in your ears 24-7 365 can’t exactly be good for#his ears now can it? and with how loud some of them are and how close they can get to him - without touching him - that’s just.. a lot of#fucking volume okay#now add in the academy’s mission alert siren#how loud he listens to his music with headphones on when he’s trying to drown out some REALLY LOUD SCREAMING#and then being near gunfire growing up. those bank robbers had guns and weren’t exactly a big distance away#all the raves and clubs and parties he goes to?? places where music is played so loud the room shakes and you cant hear anything else and#the music itself can be heard from blocks away?? that’s an indeterminable amount of intense noise#and then of course the gunfire of vietnam#so like… boys ears have SUFFERED. whether they wanna acknowledge that in canon or not#so the shooting at the theater - the shooting thats IN the theater - which is large and meant to house sound#thats happening across a big city street from where they’re standing and they’re behind the food truck and if klaus was ordering when it all#started that was just another level of sound and he’s not exactly focused bc everything is awful yknow?? so either it takes him a second to#notice or register it on his own or maybe he doesnt and ben says something?? idk but that’s kinda the field i’ve landed on for that scene#not that im not here for op’s hc!!! bc it really is a good one and it makes sense. im just rambling my own theory here bc i like considering#the Ways for Things sometimes. esp with klaus involved. this does make me wonder tho… if his hearing somehow is -fine- in canon…. h o w?#bc like bitch who tf can take all that and have perfect hearing?? thats gotta be impossible. if they are fine is it related to his powers#somehow?? like.. does his casual passing between life and death all the time mean he doesnt have mortal ear weaknesses? its weird but im..#i’ve got theories. 

my tags on this post:: #probably in the massive fucking pockets of his fluffy coat#see also:: a dealer’s place #a boyfriend’s place#an ex-boyfriend who is also a dealer’s place#a girlfriend’s place #a partner’s place#all ex’s of course bc dave is the only valid romantic relationship#he made friends with the person who owns a nearby thrift store and they help him out#he has a locker at a public place like the ymca#he only has one outfit before returning to the mansion so he has nothing to carry - ever on the move#he thiefs off of people in rehab and crackhouses he stayed in that are dumb enough to leave their shit unattended#when he sees something he likes or he feels its time for an outfit change#he mostly sticks with his lace up pants as far as bottom pieces go bc its much harder to sneak away with skirts#and the kind of crazy pants he likes. there’s only room for one pair of pants for this pan disaster#after returning to the mansion he has access to the funky gay clothes he had managed to aquire before leaving all those years ago#bc like… i kinda hc that he got out of there fast and probably higher than fuck and had nothing packed#have you ever tried to pack while high?? it’s harder than it has any right to be#crack theory:: he had a bag - we just never saw it bc in the beginning he wore it under his floofy coat bc safety and he didnt need it the#rest of the time.#i have a lot of thoughts and headcanony opinions about klaus’s time on the streets so thank u#for giving me a place to dump some of them   

[purpleskiesandpaperflowers]

Introducing me(us???)?

Ok no that's a terrible freaking title. We are not the jonas brothers.

Who's we? Haha honestly I'm not even sure anymore. This is a hard one to write because I literally don"t tell anyone about my "inner world" which is why I'm keeping my blog anonymous for now .

I guess I'm just a wierd human with a messed up brain that has no reason to be messed up. I'm in the process of figuring it all out .

Long story short "we" is me and my ... I'm not sure what to call them I used to think they were just imaginary freinds , but they have become something so much more real.

I remember being 5 years old and having imaginary freinds like any other child. I cant remember much but I'm pretty sure my home life was perfect. I have an amazing mum and dad and even had two grandparents at the time. I remember happiness and my cat who really wasnt a fan of me , but I adored her regardless , even if she did end up scratching the living hell out of me on many occasions. My main issue at the time was serious separation anxiety, I couldn't handle being away from my parents , it got better towards the end of the school year I think after a lot of spending most of the year screaming until my dad would pick me up. I found it hard making freinds as I was somewhat anti social and liked playing on my own often, but I found a freind in the end. I think we got on so well cause she was different too. Turned out she had Autism, something that I'll probably talk about a lot here. Anyway as I said back then was when I first remember having imaginary freinds , and constantly daydreaming . I used to watch my dad play video games a lot so a lot of my daydreams would be based off the video games . At the time It was perfectly fine. I was just a strange kid who had an over active imagination, zoned out a lot in school , and often enjoyed my own company, but couldn't understand why my peers didnt like the antisocial wierd kid. I remember getting teased as I have a harmless autoimmune skin condition that I developed aged 3 and I felt alienated for it . The serious bullying didnt start until later in primary school though .(I think age 11 or thereabouts, was when shit really hit the fan) Anyway the imaginary freinds were originally just that . Unfortunately things changed when my one freind from school left and moved across the country. I had no freinds so that's where I began to use my imaginary freinds to replace real people. By the time I was 13 I'd almost completely isolated myself , I didnt know how to interact with real people.

I eventually thought I'd got it all under control . I found a group of people that were all a bit wierd. Originally it was cool and I fit in okay.

When I went to sixth form college, stuff started to get weirder though. I'd been struggling throughout secondary school I'd spent a lot of time kind of going back into my alternate reality . Even at freinds parties I used to pretend that I was a different person in my alternate reality doing something with my inner world family. I mentioned it once or twice to someone at CAHMS (The british child mental health services) that I was seeing as I'd struggled a lot with anxiety and self harm , but I never wanted to be fully honest about it . I was embarrassed.

Aged 12 I remember "pretending" to be a character called Casey. At the time I was spending a lot of time pretending I was Kasey and I was making a talk show with my other imaginary freinds . Eventually another character called Paulie took Casey's place .

Paulie's whole existence is kinda embarrassing. They're a typical queer cringe OC That you know a 14 year old neurodivergent weirdo would make up. I kind of originally used them as a way to explore my special interests. And to understand things about the world . In many ways Paulie was kind of a reflection of myself and you know everything was fine . Paulie is a 5ft7 young non binary person . Born male but definitely presents more feminine. Some of the other details about them came from me incorporating things I'd learned from various medical documentaries and things I'd researched on the internet. (One of my special interests always was science , particularly biology, when I was young I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet or something like that. I dont know why I find it so fascinating. It's kind of my party trick - boring people with the details of a random medical condition that they absolutely did not ask for.) I'll go into full details at some point . I find it kind of embarrassing to talk about it all.

Anyway It used to be great we used to pretend to do makeup on our youtube channel that of course did not exist .(the deeper I get into this the more I want to delete my life) it became to the point where I was doing daily "vlogs" in the inner world as Paul , again just something I day dreamed about. It was getting beyond the limits of normal daydreaming.

At some point I came across a video about "Maladaptive daydreaming " for once in my life I didnt feel quite so alone. I couldn't believe that I wasnt the only one who did this! Ever since then I've toyed with the idea of opening up about it , maybe through some sort of blog or youtube video etc. However, I wasn't ready until now. I'm still not ready to be completely open with my freinds and family (the one person who even knows 1/3 of this stuff is my mum) which is why I'll remain anonymous for now .

In the last 2 years things have gotten increasingly more strange and confusing. When I was in sixth form college (british equivalent of high school) Paulie started to be kind of phased out of my daydreams. Then Eric showed up.

Again , it was just daydreaming that had gone a bit too far at this point, however I soon realised that my personality appeared to have changed to become much more like Eric. I stopped wearing makeup so often. I began to feel dysphoric about my body , I began to wish I was Eric.

From then it's just been confusing. It's never just been Paul , Casey or Eric . At first i thought I'd just made an imaginary family. I've been saying that I have literally no idea why because my family are great. But I wonder if it was because I lost my nan and then metaphorically lost my dad.

My dads not dead , hes alive (just about I mean he smokes like a chimney so it's probably only a matter of time) Our relationship is so wierd. I try to be grateful for him purely because hes not a completely bad person. He gave me a great childhood and has never laid a finger on me. But when I was about 13 , I lost him. He became self absorbed in his own past.

Around about that time one of my dads ex freinds died. Since then dads been remembering things from his past and is convinced that this ex freind emotionally abused him and traumatised him for life.

Hes told me the stories so many times because hes so caught up in it that I should probably remember more of what he told me but honestly I think after the third time I just gave up with talking to him. Dad never cares about what you're talking about . He only cares about himself.

I'll spare you the details for now. Maybe I'll make a post about it. I suppose that's his shit not mine though . I dont deny that his ex freind wasnt exactly nice to him and cheated him out of a relationship. But I just feel like he should maybe you know go to therapy rather than sitting at home , freeloading from my mum , mumbling to himself all day about things that happened in the past.

Its very selfish of me because I know even though dads not exactly had the worst life, and he is a little bit of a narcissist who thinks that hes had the worst life possible , I know hes hurting. But I used to have a dad , now hes just not there. We used to do stuff , and I used to adore him, However hes just not my dad anymore. Theres glimmers of him there . But hes so entangled with the past , (and also a bit delusional) that I cant have a normal father daughter relationship with him anymore.

I guess maybe the combo of that , the strain its put on my parents marriage (they're still together but they argue more now) and the fact that I'm a sensitive little snowflake who really cant deal with anything unpleasant, is the reason I created my imaginary family. I don't know if I want to put it down to that though. I feel like that makes me sound like my dad , blaming my problems on what feels like insignificant past events.

Anyway. I kind of hate the fact that I have another family on the inner world. Because even though my dads a bit of an asshat , hes my dad and as a multitude of people have told me " at least you have a dad , at least your parents are still together" and I adore my mum. Like shes as close to a perfect mum as you get in this world. Of course she has off days and it's not always sunshine and rainbows , but shes amazing. She loves me , she supports me through everything and she does so much for me. No matter how many times I screw up she just sighs and helps me move on. Mind you. I havent got anyone quite like her in the inner world.

Since I've been more honest with myself (and the boys) about the fact that I am in fact daydreaming and its not real , the boys have begun to accept my mum as their own almost. Obviously they have real mums, but I know they love her to pieces.

Anyway, so this big imaginary family. Has become more than that. A lot of the dudes are still just imaginary freinds but with a few of the boys , whom I've introduced you to two out of the three, have become scarily real. Eric is the main one. The last couple of years it's progressed to the point where sometimes , I'm not sure if I am me or if I am Eric , or if Eric is me. Sometimes I feel like I'm thinking in his voice. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see him. And sometimes he looks in the mirror and sees me. I think as Paul was so feminine. It didn't show so much. We could just pretend we were me on the outside. But when Eric is in my headspace, I hate my feminine body, I've bought a binder and my wardrobe is becoming less feminine. Because I just dont feel like the same person. I'm honestly so confused I really dont know what is going on or why it's happening.

In some ways the inner world is still just me navigating the world and my way of making sense of things. But it's also kind of like , parts of my personality, as little people that live in my brain , but not quite , I cannot begin to explain it .

And then of course, just when I'm trying to figure out the Eric saga and who the hell I even am anymore, Vlad pops up.

I'll always have a soft spot for Vlad. Hes Paul's older brother and has been in the inner world for quite some time , but has been more I suppose, in my headspace as I call it in the last six months or so. Hes the only one that I've managed to do a successful drawing of thus far although I'll try and do some of the other dudes at some point. Only issue is Vlad would much rather we doodle bugs than the other boys. Vlad has been my way of exploring the whole prospect of having Autism , I'm not diagnosed yet as the waiting lists are frankly ridiculous (yay for the tories?) but I've based vlads character around the traits that I have, and he helps me not be so ashamed of being neurodivergent. He also kind of helps me deal with my Emetophobia (the fear of vomiting) and my issues I have around food - which I honestly thought weren't that bad until I got told that the issues I've been having with my stomach and swallowing for the last year , are completely down to my anxiety. And it was at that point that I realised I may have been a teensy bit more traumatised by my phobia of vomiting than I originally believed. In fact vlads backstory is based off of my whole fear of being sick and what started it off (that time the norovirus kicked my ass, big time) .

Uhh so theres a bit about us . I'm not ready to fully open up yet . I want to eventually tell you more about the inner world but baby steps hey. I plan on trying to post more but , I'm useless so I wouldn't count on it.