#like i onow i own my own house and have my own job and my mom oives with me technically nit the other way around and

[abraxax-heart]

I saw a post about Pride and Prejudice (2005) thirty minutes ago and have since lost control of my life. It began with the question, hey why don't we own more of Jane Austen's books?

I have just now purchased the box set of Jane Austen's books (6) out of fucking nowhere. Mind you, I already own some titles, but this is a box set, ok? It's different!

And then it was recommended to me a box set of the Bronte Sisters books... And they match the ones from the Jane Austen box set! I had to! I don't own any of them!

And then I realized... I don't own a copy of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein??? I always read it at the library in school. So of course I had to get my own copy!

Anyway... I have a floor to wall built in bookshelf in my bedroom with 5 shelves, around half the wall with the other half being my closet. All my own, since I'm the only one in the family that reads... I had around 560 titles last I checked, but have not counted In a couple of years. And I have no more space. Like they are literally packed cover to cover, like I struggle to get one out.

And I looked around, and I have 18 books in a pile on my desk that have no real place??? And I just bought 14 books more??? I'm gonna have to grovel to my brother, to get him to build me more shelves.... I'm sure he'll say yes, but damn it's gonna cost me :(

Also I just spend like 120 dlls unexpectedly, I'm not financially responsible.

[upuptowonderland]

Open letter of pure emotion and feelings that are trapped, and i cant express when in a negative mind frame.

I have never in my life lied about anything that is truly traumatic. Yeah, duh, I've lied before, I'm only human. I wouldny lie about things that are serious horrible events.

But, I recently have run into a non concent issue, and fealt violated. No details needed, but i will speak about my feelings towards this situation bc my feelings are fucking valid, and I haven't felt this bad for a while.

Dear whoever i even have left in my life anymore.

I have lost someone who I absolutely love very much. That I was starting to build a life with. But...they left me for believing that; I "cheated" on them, and intentionally tore them apart fully out of spite and "revenge". WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY NOT THE TRUTH.

To sum up the most difficult and fucked up disagreement we had;

I owned up to my wrongs. Yes, I wasn't the grestest person for communicating and going out of my way to hang out with a guy you werent quite comfortable with. But, he truly was only a friend of mine. A persom who has a big part in my life, and kind of lingers in my life forever.if i like it or not.

I sat there...looking you in your beautiful eyes, and agreed to your statement only to an extent, not cheating but not being the best me.i. couldve. I watched your heart crack, and that's when the flames were thrown. And you were jusy...so so torm and full of rage that i could barley get a sentence in. And due to my panic attack i could barley breath and speak.

I was trying to just tell you that i was forced into doing a sexual act AFTER I DID NOT GIVE CONCENT. But all i was thinking, and could say is im sorry. The thingd you said made me ALMOST believe that being a victim, in a non concent SEXUAL act was cheating. IT'S NOT. kept saying harsh ztuff.it just made my mind questuon mydelf on "was being assulted chesting? Im a piece of zhit. Im the reason vor it. I guess.i shoupdbe been a better person amd not have been ghere, it wouldnt have happened". You made me.feel a hesvy amount of.guily that i didnt deserve to feel.

You didn't know how it reslly happened, the only thing you were set on knowing, is that i "cheated" on you.

I didn't mention the assault until 2 weeks after it happened. My reasoning? I was terrified. But unsure of how to handle the situation. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and convinced myself he didnt meam to do what he did to me, bc he was under ghe influence. I faked a smile every dsy after that. You onow? It's very difficult to get away from someone that is a friend of your number 1 HOMIES. So hes over every day, and i acted like things were.okay, didnt tell anyone. Reasonsings for not telling snyone also, i truly believed that i would get hurt. And that me telling everyone, would just create moxed emotions amd i beliebed id get acused as a liar, not tsken seriously, and my friendship pushed aside for a scumbag.

I FINALLY TOLD YOU THO! I FINALLY.TOLD YOU THAT I DIDNT CONCNET. I TOLD YOU WHAT HAPPENED. NO! I didnt tell you this to in anyway try and make you comenback into my life. I TOLD YOU because i thought you'd love me.enough to understand the pretty traumatic incident i went through. But no....i was wrong....you say im a whore...and.that its something that I "LEAD" on. Yelled st me for not doing something about it. While feelomg so helpless amd disgusting amd frightened?

Then started to give a notice of like...wow, it happened so horribly and i ghess.i was.being extra without knowing every detail. THAT'S NOTNIT THO! YOU then proceeded to tell me you cant beliebe me not that in lying, but couldnt trust my story fully becsuse im an aparent "manipulato" , and still told me that if were mesnt to be, well see eachother agaim when its time.

Every ounce of my happiness drained from my body. When you had the roommate, kick me out, and have the WHOLE house againdt me. When they truly have no clue what happened to me. But as always, like a woman, i got up and fucking left. Lol, THE AFTERMATH? OF ACCUSING ME OF SOMETHING I WOULD NEVER DO TO THE ONE I LOVE. you ready gor it? I'm homeless again, in the winter. Lets see, i lost ghe fu king man im in love with over something that wasnt my fault. And looked at as a liar and false acuser. Lost the people that i jave grown to adore, and relate to amd feel 100% confident. Becsuse you made me out to be s Cheater. And a liar they coupdnt trust. Lost my happieness i worked.zo hard go recive. My home. And my heart.

I personslly dont think i deserve the harsh consequences and treatment im reciving from the ones i thought cared for me.

Yea, i spoke about it kind of late after, but i would never acuse someone of such a harsh crime, if they didnt reslly do it.

BUT this truly....opened my eyes to...wow, dont get comfortable with people easily, because no matter how.close you are, people are able to change like its nothing.

I'm finally recovering from my sadness. And depression and fright of my.assult. I'm PROUD of myself right now...I got a new job, I have been sober now for more than a week. I see my dsughter so much snd my life is made. I'm still living, and if the people ive grown go love and care for truly decide they're no longer a person in mg life, jtll hurt. And ill be hurt gor s while. But i will have to remind myself that....was it truly a friendship if i get abandon for zomething i had no control over.

My head is fu ked up. I truly didnt want to lose Zachary. And I do want to hope to myself that sometime for him to cool down, and then we'll be eschothers again. I have no friends anymore...ni home.

BUT I'M NOT GIVING UP. whatever happens eith us, will happen how it needs too. I love you eo much...but you never give.up on someone you love...and thisnis your 2md time giving up pn me.

I'll continue to strive for me, kick ass, become the best person i can. And grow to learn to never let someone else destroy you.