#like i magnet id rather die than release

[fuckinmelodrama]

update. its now 6 years later and i still love them but its okay because its a different kind of love. they will never see this and they will never be in my life like that again and im okay with it. im okay watching them be in love with someone else, and im okay with the idea of being in love with someone else myself one day.

first love never really fades away and i think i'll love them until the day i die (and then maybe a little longer) but ive learned that i can love without being IN love, i can love without wanting. if they asked me to speak, or worse yet be theirs again, id say no but if they asked me to sit side by side and watch the stars in silence i would drop everything. i hope we never talk again, and i also hope they never leave.

around this same time someone asked me if i believed in love at first sight, and i said no but that was a lie. ive loved them since the moment i saw them and that experience alone has kept me curious about the universe. i wouldnt believe in a higher power, something bigger than this world if i hadnt felt it that day. an invisible string that ties us together, albeit at arms length now, keeps us in each others lives to this day. i believe in the divine because ive seen it in them.

i think that when the stars and the universe were born, the carbon and atoms that make up our bodies must have been born together, must have been part of the same star. and that the pull we feel has cosmic origins, that like a magnet our chemical compositions demand to be reunited. and that one day we will die and our atoms will come together as new lifeforms, and that they will also feel the cosmic draw. i dont believe in reincarnation but i believe in the law of preservation of matter, and that they are one of my "soulmates" within the framework of those laws. or maybe i am completely deluded.

theres a lot of things i'll never get answers to, a lot of things they did that i'll never get explanations for. things they probably dont even remember doing, much less their reasoning. the way they tracked me down and pursued me when i was a complete stranger, insisted on occupying spaces in my life not even all of my friends knew about, remembered our singular two sentence conversation for months. all while they had a girlfriend. the way they chose to stay in my orbit and say the things they said when we were no longer together. the only logical explanation i can think of is that they felt (feel?) the cosmic pull as well, and that is enough of an answer for me.

i'll love again, i know i will, and i also know it won't be the same. and i think that's a good thing. because that draw, and by extension they, fucking terrify me. in a way they know me more intimately than any other person on this planet, but also not at all. and i think its possible to be so enamored by a bond that you forget to be yourself, and i think that thats exactly what happened with us. and so i am content with love that may not be cosmic, but which can be authentic. and i hope they are too.

i hope they are so unbelievably happy. i hope they look at their partner and wonder how they got so lucky. i hope they remember the times they cried about not being able to keep a partner for longer than 12 months and now look back on their past few years together and smile. i hope their mother loves their partner as much as she seems to, as much as she disliked me. i hope one day i forget her name and their birthday. i hope they see the pieces of me in them like i see the pieces of them in me, and i hope their partner never learns my name.

c and x?

wow yall decided to jump straight into interrogating me about my love life huh

c- crush?feeling are confusing

x- an ex you still liked after it was ended?honestly declan because that ended even though neither of us wanted it to but life sucks like that sometimes !! 

send me a letter !!