#like i know thats just going to get me dogpiled but i dont deserve to talk. i shouldnt be allowed

[yikes-ajax-thats-sad]

Resisting the urge to say sorry all the time. Ain't looking good besties 😔✊

[sweet-milky-tea705]

Theres like whole ass callout vids on her ? I watched one and it was basically like. Kinda dumb.

I love britney broski they could never make me hate her

[thecirculararchive]

hey i personally disagree with that take you made, but i know the context and im not upset or disappointed or going to bitch about it like a lot of others. youre human. youre not infallible. sometimes what you say may come across as bad and thats okay. you dont deserve to be dogpiled and harassed for it. every single person whos been on your ass has probably made mistakes like that before, mistakes that caused someone harm. youre not a bad person for it and im sorry that people are acting like you are.

also, the idea that broad, blanket statements like "some traumagens are endo" isn't fakeclaiming. you arent going up to someone and going "hey, youre not actually traumagenic youre endogenic". youre saying its probably possible for someone to be wrong about what they experience.

i dont share my syscourse takes publically, so im going to go with ones from the rest of the system. non-disordered plurals to us are not systems, system is a term specfically meant for DD plurality. but those experiences are still real even if we dont believe they should be compared. in the same way a singlet could believe they are a system before realising theyre wrong, a non-DD instance of plurality could believe that they have a DD. It could happen.

the only reason that agreeing with that ask was hurtful is because a lot of traumagenic systems will jump at any chance to deny their trauma. like tim, one of our hosts, made an entire sideblog and asked a bunch of people their thoughts on whether or not we seem traumagenic. literally no one else in system agreed with him, but he was having a lot if self doubt. that self doubt came from the idea that "your trauma wasnt traumatic enough to be traumagenic". it actually came from the "stressgenic" label and him going "ok what if-" but the base idea is still the same.

if someone is a system, the trauma they went through was enough to be a system. it was enough to disrupt the integration of their egostates in childhood, that means it was traumatic. that is something we believe in and something that is so comforting to know (and also part of why we feel non-DD plurality should be seperate from systems but thats not the point)

but i still dont think you were wrong for agreeing, not necessarily. just because with the context you were having a really shitty time and you just wanted that asker to not get their satisfaction of "ooh evil ableist person who thinks some endos are actually traumagen doesnt believe in a 2 way street huh". and youre definitely not a bad person.

i hope that you have a good day and that this isn't getting to you too much

I think the last thing I’ll post on this topic. Thank you, Anon. This helped me greatly.

I try not to get TOO personal on this blog anymore (which is sort of messed up, given that this blog was made as a personal blog for me to connect to other systems and just record the things happening to me), but I want to address what this all did to me. The following is gonna be a trauma dump, so feel free to completely ignore this. I just have a lot of thoughts and want to give context and get them out on the blog that was SUPPOSED to be for these things.

Tw for sui ideation, sui bait, trauma dump, anxiety, etc.

I made a hurtful comment to some. I can see now how it could be hurtful, and I’m analyzing how this take and others could be. I’m willing to take the criticism and move on with better actions.

I’ve also almost thrown up due to the anxiety about this. I’ve been having issues opening tumblr without panicking. I’ve been needing to deep breathing each time I post.

Syscourse shouldn’t do that to someone. People shouldn’t do that to people. I understand how it can be hurtful, but every time I so much at glance at system things now, I see another vaguepost about how I’m bad, how I’m hurting everyone, how I’m a disappointment, etc etc. Even posting this ask is already making me cry.

When I posted the original long post, I was suicidal. I regularly am. It’s an issue I deal with daily. This time around, it was the worst I’ve been in a long time. I contemplated hanging myself at work. And that same day, someone reblogged my bait ask (an ask that I was too terrified not to respond to, due to the harassment I was getting, and would continue to get unless I responded.) They reblogged the ask, called the response disgusting (and I couldn’t understand why) and immediately I get anon hate. I was told to kill myself, and god, I wanted to. Why was I such a failure? Why did everything I say hurt people now? I had support on anon messages, but Everytime I look in. The syscourse tags, it’s people talking about how I’m horrible and transphobic and just.

I gotta stop on that topic because my heart is racing again.

And none of this happened with *discord*. I’m in a discord where we discussed my post. And it was a CIVIL DISCUSSION. Nobody insulted me - they just shared why people (including themselves) could be angry. They also heard me out! Some people agreed and some people didn’t. Nobody harassed me, nobody told me I should be dead. It opened my eyes a lot to how it was hurtful WITHOUT making my ideation even worse.

All this is to say… I think I may leave tumblr. Not forever. But when I can’t post a hypothetical ask for a situation that has never come up in my life, with an angry short response, but everyone else can post an enormous long angry response about how I’m a disappointment and a failure? There’s something wrong there. And I need to take a step back from syscourse before it kills me.

Thank you if you read this far. I’ve been doing a lot of introspection since OAS responded to me. I also apologize for the gendered insult - I use bitch interchangeably for anyone, as bitch and bastard are distinctly different connotations to me. I also did not know OAS’s pronouns. I apologize for insulting OAS at all - I let my anger get the best of me again.

I’m stepping away. Not forever. But I need to take care of myself.

[gwendolynalbrecht]

Mental Health, Guilt And The Art "Community" TW: Unaliving Thoughts

Maybe people understand that feeling: Your mental health is at a steady decline and you´re unable to seek professional help so you need to cope with it yourself. But there is always that sneaking feeling that you dont deserve to feel suicidal or depressed. You have a home and your family isnt always bad to you. So how dare you feel bad if people have it worse than you? I feel like that a lot actually. But sometimes it helps to vent out what all happened to you and you realize that maybe your life was messed up after all. But under the surface. Still that guilt remains, maybe Im blowing it out proportion. Maybe Im faking it.

But I never before felt guilty for not harming myself.

But that changed recently. I was part of the LazyEule fandom and a member of her server. Her server is a poorly moderated mess she doesnt interact with. There is one kid mod who is abusing their powers, banning people who disagree with them and letting their friends do whatever they want. And thats where my mess comes in. That server is the perfect MicroCosm of the art community in general. You have lying, backstabbing and in-groups. Favortism and feuds. And naturally it got worse when the 12 year olds happened. (Okay that is just a joke but we all know that one fandom ruined by children.) Now I wont give much context. Its private and a lot to handle but I will summarize things a little: Alcoholic Father, aggressive brother, misfortunes and emotional neglect and abuse. I suffer from an eating disorder and fondness for painkillers. I also lost my last job thanks to our family name being so tainted they harrassed me out of the office, sending me into an inescapable limbo. With other adding to it, but this is the constant pressure I deal with. So sometimes when it gets too much I spiral into selfdestructive behaviour. Like picking fights to give me a reason to hate myself. That day I noticed that behaviour and left the main chat to enter the vent chat. Picking a harmless topic to vent out some steam without being too much. Some random child came in and just bragged to me how great their life was so I told them "Leave me alone then" and it appears that girl was massibly popular or friends with the mod because the dead as hell vent channel was suddenly swarmed by 3 other people. With two of them heavily dogpiling me and the third trying but failing to mediate. And so what I planned to be a harmless rant about my art became me fishing for reasons to hurt myself. I wasnt a saint, but I also was spiraling into an episode. I was vulgar, hostile and bitterly awful. So Im not even complaining I was banned. But I cant get over what lead up to me leaving. (Yes I left willingly) A friend suddenly became obsessed with me "being the adult" as if that means I cant go into a mental breakdown. She could tell I was distressed and when it all got to much I openly stated that I wanted to die. And expressed suicidal intentions. And for some reason my "friend" leaked a private story I shared in DMs with her to the whole server. Because I encountered a prankster once who openly admitted to faking suicidal messages. So not only did she share this story without my concent but she called me an attention seeker and suicide baiter. To win an argument with me. In a panic I left the server. Went to cry ugly adult tears in the bathtub and planned to harm myself, but my family came home and they needed me to do something so that intense mindset passed and it´s like you come to your senses. I talked to my friends and got myself together. Learning the same people who did this to me now banned someone over a naughty meme. The art community and its "quirky" children love to boast about mental health and awareness and taking things serious. But in reality they will simply weaponize it against you. The art community is a joke. Being an artist was a mistake and I will always regret wasting so much time on such a vile toxic hobby. I wish I had harmed myself, just so I wouldnt feel like a faker and suicide baiter.