#like i know recovery isnt linear but goddamn. i was doing so good for so long

[not-actually-human]

yknow im doing badly when i reorganize my entire bookshelf

[pompoms-bones]

Woah huge rant about ana community!!

I hate that I ever came to ana tumblr. Before i came here, I was in recovery for a similar case of anorexia, but nowhere NEAR as bad as it is now. One day my ed thoughts got the best of me, and all of the sudden i was waist deep in ana tumblr. Pretty much every moment of my life was once again focused on food and calorie counting. I got so deep into it, in fact, that I started to think people saying “ana communities are toxic” were just flat out wrong. My time on ana tumblr made me realize that the people saying “ana tumblr is pro ana,” are actually right.

You can say it was my fault for coming here, “they weren’t responsible for triggering you.” I suppose in a sense you’d be right. But I know that ALL of you know how difficult it is to get out of an ana-based cycle. When food and being thin is the only goddamn thing on your mind, it becomes a genuine STRUGGLE to not browse ana forums and ana communities. You learn to like triggering yourself because its “motivating.” It honestly does feel good to know others have damaging thoughts just like you. You end up wanting it to be your entire lifestyle. You just cant stop logging on. A community that claims to not be proana shouldnt be causing thousands, if not millions of people to dive deeper and deeper into their eating disorders.

I hate that even though i wouldn’t wish anorexia anybody, me posting ana thoughts on this site literally makes me pro ana. I’m literally furthering peoples eating disorders, and even though it’s the last thing I could ever want, in this situation I am solely to blame for triggering others. It’s the same way that I will follow people who post their anorexic thoughts so I can further motivate my own eating disorder. I can say all I want that I’m using this account to cope, and even though that’s true, I feel like other people’s safety is way more important than me coping in... probably the unhealthiest way possible. I’m indirectly helping to ruin so many peoples lives by posting my ana thoughts and shit. This isn’t a recovery community like i’ve seen so many people claim- if it was, then a majority would be posting tips to recover, not reblogging tips to avoid binging after a 7-day fast. Ana tumblr is “follow each other and trigger yourself” and that’s just the truth.

Of course not everyone purposefully triggers themselves- some people genuinely want to recover and follow RECOVERY ana blogs. It’s awful they even have to have recovery in the name. Ana tumblr should be about recovery and a huge majority of it ISNT. It’s awful that I, and so many others, would go out of the way to avoid recovery blogs because it doesn’t fuel our eds. I’m so used to everything here fueling my ed that I genuinely don’t even want to get better. I see people eat 300 cal a day and think I’m not doing good enough. I see people exercise themselves into the negative calorie zone and think I’m not doing good enough. There are posts that are genuinely harmless that I can relate to and chuckle at and I feel like that’s fine- cope through humor. But holy fuckjng cow all I see is people shaming themselves for eating healthily and all I’m taking from it is “everybody deserves to eat that and be healthy :) and I deserve to eat fucking nothing because I don’t deserve to injest anything at all.” Forums like myproana are called pro ana because. it is. The topics are tips for being anorexic; how to be anorexic and avoid certain diseases, strategies for maintaining terrible diets, tips on what exercises burn the most calories, low-cal recipes perfect for keeping you in your calorie range, just straight up bonespo, and, ykno, just so much awful shit. That stuff BELONGS on a website called myproana because it’s clearly pro ana. You know what’s on ana tumblr? Strategies for starving and not binging, tips on what exercises burn the most calories, low-cal recipes perfect for staying within your calorie range, bonespo but mainly thinspo. A Lot of Thinspo.

We are no better than a site fucking CALLED MyProAna- so why do we act like we are?

Anyways, there’s only 15 of you, but to everyone who sees my feed, i’m truly sorry for triggering all of you. i’m sorry for fueling all of your eds. i’m sorry for never posting about recovery. i’m sorry for never even trying to encourage recovery through my posts. i don’t regret much, but if i could go back and stop anything it’d be the creation of this blog. anorexia sucks. bulimia sucks. binge eating disorder sucks. all eating disorders suck. i wish you all the best in your recoveries- your life shouldn’t end because you were afraid of eating an extra slice of bread or even a teaspoon extra of sugar. you deserve love, support, recovery, and most importantly, food. If you make the decision to recover, always remember that its okay to have bad days. healing is never linear, but i know you’ll make it. one day you won’t have to obsess over food. you won’t say no to hanging out with your friends just because there will be food there. you won’t be scared of family, eat-at-the-table, dinners.

I’m dipping for good. I’m going to eat 3 meals tomorrow and feel good about myself. Idk what I plan to do with this account yet, but I know I’m never going to come back. I won’t let myself continue to harm myself. I wish you all the best of luck :) stay safe everybody and know that you deserve so much more than you know.