#like i just dont wnat to exist i dont wnat to be able to make mistakes i dont wnat to live with the current mistakes im making that i cant

[kilibaggins]

// vent again because im a mess lately warning for suicidal ideation I think is the twrm

[pansypr3p]

What do you think gay men are attracted to in men that they can’t be attracted to in women?

It can’t be anything about femininity or masculinity obviously. That’s both sexist, and cultural so can’t be what drives men-only attraction.

It can’t be anything about stated identity because someone could lie just as easily as they could tell the truth in such a statement, and it makes no sense because homosexuality and heterosexuality exists in other species with no stated identities. It’s not like other animals without gender are all pan.

Saying idk it’s the vibes or some indescribable trait men have that women can’t but “I can’t explain” is a nonanswer.

Soooooooo what is it? Or do you think any sexuality but bi/pan is just cultural performance or an identity rather than an inborn orientation?

- [ ]

this feels like bait 100% but im not fucking kidding if i meet a dude i think is hot and he tells me hes nonbinary or a man or whatever the hell i am not gonna think hes lying lmao. like for one im queer not gay i dont give a shit really but honestly attraction isnt ever gonna be boiled down to something simple. i dont know why youre trying to make it simple. everyone is different. everyone experiences attraction differently. sometimes women get clocked as men and gay men are attracted to them, and sometimes when the man finds out shes a woman the attraction goes away and sometimes it doesnt. i need you to know you will never get a straight answer for this. people are diverse. shit is weird. thats why we're called queers. we dont make sense and i dont think a lot of us want to because we're happy with who we are in those respects. and yeah, actually, people can be attracted to only masculine or feminine people, sometimes thats what makes them call themselves gay. sometimes its defined off self-identification - dont ever spout that bullshit about people being able to lie about that, by the way, if you really want a good answer dont take in theoretical circumstances - and sometimes it literally fucking is just the vibes. all that shit you said it 'cant be'? it Can be. it Is sometimes. not for EVERYONE - because everyone is DIFFERENT - but its always possible. and also, animals and people are different, thanks. not even touching that.

in conclusion i think you should probably stop trying to fit people into boxes. i think you should accept that people call themselves things and thats really none of your damn business. i dont give a shit if its 'inborn orientation' or 'cultural performance' or whatever the hell, frankly, and i dont wnat to try and tell you what it is or what i think it is because i think its redundant. and because im happy right where i am and i dont think that i need to understand every single persons identity or experience, and i dont think you need to either. why are you asking this.

[impostergir007]

another day has passed and the only good thing about that is im closer to dying than ever before please fucking kill me let me die my fucking mentality is shattered i dont want to die i need to die i must die i have to die please kill me the only thing stoping me from racking a round and blowing my defective brains out is screaming into the void which never responds only swallows my cries for death by now i must accept that I am immortal and doomed to suffer my own existance for an eternity i cna only belive that my own self hatred and desire to die stems from the fact that I am a horrid abomination of a life form and this is my punishment i can not die my retarded memory deficient brain can’t remember the sins i commited to deserve this but all I know is that I do deserve this immortality while my only desire is to die and fade from all existance the only thing that brings a constant smile to my face is the thought of that rope tightening as the stool wobbles and i let gravity take hold the taste of the barrell after I dip it in kraft mac and cheese powder for one last trip to flavor town its either that margarita salt or koolaide powder idk but all i know is the thought of killing myself is the onyl thing to put a smile on my face anymore spending time with friends is a chore and an annoyance the best part is when they leave im so fucking jaded now that I cant even enjoy spending time with the people I promised I would not kill myself too i dont want help i just want to stop existing i want to get knocked down so hard that I cant get up im tired so tired i cant keep fighting i dont want to fight just fade away like light in the dark my heart is filled with too much hate to exist i should not be allowed to continue breathing why wont i die and despite these feelings i have had vivid dreams of dying only to experience sorrow at hte fact I was not able to die as i saw fit i was in my bed and drifted towards my window nearly crying thta i had died until i touched the cold unfeeling glass which snapped me back to reality making me realize i may not want to die but I wnat ot kill myself when I am sad to stop feeling sad when I am angry so not to hurt anyone when i am happy to die happy when i am bored as i see no purpose in my continued existance im too fucking old to start over i wasted my life by not being good enough why do I linger while my friends and family have cancer heart attacks and strokes when they have lives to live and I am the one who wants to die they have value i have none i dream of time travel just to go back and beat the shit out of myself then kill myself trapping myself in a time paradox erasing my existance over and over its what I deserve nothing i do will ever make up for the wrong doings of my own existance i dont even enjoy my fave holiday Halloween anymore I havent celberated Christmas in nearly 20 years this time of the year just pisses me off calls to help the homeless and poor come flooding in but when March and spring roll around there is no care for them anymore what the fuck and my birthday what am I celebrating? the fact that 9 months prior my father’s pullout game was weak? I hate myself more than anything in existance and I have a lot of hate in my heart for the human race as a whole my friends are becoming a waste of time my hobbies are just expenses i fear my only true friend is the bottle i fear for the future i want to care for them I knowmy friends are good people and want to spend time with them but my life is too draining and human contact from wokring 12+ hours 6+ days a week is just too much human contact my mind is worn down i cnat even remember 1/2 the shit my friends speak of they talk of how we met adventures we had and i have 0 memory of these events i take their word for it and nod in silemce like I do remember the only record of this past life are photos I dont even remember taking i cant remember past 3 months ago i have to struggle to remember beyond that my brain my body and my soul are fucked and crumbling but still i linger on with only a true desire to die which may stem from a lack of control in my life i wanted to die by the age of 14 and now i have spent over 1/2 of my life wanting to die I constantly regret everytime i stopped myself from killing myself before I promised my friends i would nto kill myself my happiest dreams are of me being told that I have terminal cancer where I can quit my job relax for 3-4 months then kill myself before the cancer can get me i want to control my life not just be a leaf floating on a timeline of my own existance and now i must do the only thing that stops my urges to kill myself going to bed which I cant even sleep right anymore i can only sleep 2-3 hours at a time after spending 1-2 horus trying to sleep then waking for an entire hour and struggle to sleep once more over and over i have not had a full sleep in nearly 10 years i can feel it in my heart my body is breaking but I am forced to endure I was born to die and forced to live I am at the point where any dangerous risk presented to me is not met with a let me think about this no its met with we all gotta die sometime and then proceed to do what must be done without hesitation or a second thought my half ass attemtps at slumber are the only thing qwelling the urge to kill myself other than the fact that I have work in the morning which is now more important to me than the promises I made to my friends that I would nto kill myself which proves how bad of a human I am i worry more about my own employement than how my friends would feel if I d9ied good night and I hope you all have a good night and if not now I hope soon you can all live the proper lives you deserve and live in happiness thought i see nothing good on the horizon only further suffering of all and the best scenerio outcome is that of nuclear annihlation which I actively crave there for I can finally have a legit reason to kill myself beyond that I hope anyone reading this finds the happiness they rightfully deserve