#like i didn't want to push my aunt bc i wanted us both to have a nice time and she drove but like. sigh.

[whoslaurapalmer]

people have GOT to embrace the joy of meandering. i went to a little shopping village with my aunt today and i was like 'oh! do you want to go in there? or in there?' and she was like 'oh, no, because then i'll want to buy something,' and i was like. but i want to go in. i want to look. i want to see things i might want to buy but i won't buy them for one reason or another. i want to feel the joy of meandering and looking at objects and just walking around and Seeing things without a direct purpose or mission to accomplish. i would like to look at overpriced holiday merchandise. i would like to scope out all the silly little stores with memorabilia or touristy stuff or beach things or all kinds of stuff. i'd like to go through all the candy stores and maybe only buy something at one of them but i can say i looked at them all and saw this and this and this!! it's fun!! it's just vibing!! come on!!!!!!!!!!! i want to spend more time just gleefully staring at the ducks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[harmoniouseclipse]

Woe fankids be upon ye

Doing a little series where I took some ship requests on my instagram to make them fankids, this one is for me tho (jeanlisa to kick it off whoo 🙌🏻) The lineup so far is Cytham, Kavetham, Lionfish (aka Freminet x Gaming aged up probably idk how old they are canonically), Cynonari, Jealuc, and Beiguang, and feel free to send me some other pairings you wanna see (as long as they are legal pls otherwise I will ignore it 👎)

I'm gonna ramble about some headcanons and lore for them under the cut, continue with caution bc I'm insane

These two are my brainrot rn, don't even joke lad. And I wanna tell yall their name meanings too bc I like them a lot 🥹 Zephra's means "west wind" derived from Greek, and it's the feminine version of Zephyr. Tyrian was a type of purple dye used by the Ancient Phoenicians, huge huge HUGE thanks to my pookie bear @miothefish for helping me out with his name!!! Also he has Lisa's butterfly earring and you can't see bc of the angle but Zephra has the rose that went in her hair holding her ponytail <3

I'm also making a massive family tree for the characters as a go along, and just the jeanlisa tree is taking up half of the canvas bc of the KoF and Sumeru characters since Cyno is their uncle and the rest of the gang are their honorary uncles 😭 I'll be posting that once the series is done/all the requests are finished/I run out of ships and otps I enjoy

Here's an alternative version with some more info on most of the characters I wanted to briefly mention in their relation to them; Tyrian likes calling Eula his aunt too even though she was never really considered one for them so it's kind of like her unofficial title she pretends to dislike but she loves it and dotes on Tyrian 🤭 She and Diluc also helped train Zephra with a claymore and Diluc kind of became a parental figure to her in her teen years after Lisa's passing 🥺 She also feels like she's outshined by Jean and that she's not smart or powerful enough to follow in Lisa's footsteps (something that Lisa wouldn't want anyways bc it led her to her death 😔) rip zephra she's just like me fr

And yeah some Kaeya angst bc he's still going thru it I fear, and Jean is single mombossing but she's worried for zephra which me too dawg, im afraid to say she might be cooked 😦 Zephra is also kind of like a weird mix of Lisa when she was her age and Jean, where overall she's well-mannered and kind but she can be competitive and feel the need to push herself too much and pull a few strings to get what she wants from time to time. Tyrian is a ray of sunshine tho, he has not yet witnessed the horrors 💔 I do think that Jean is also a lot easier on him than her mom was with her so that also helps. He's very shy tho and wants to stick with Zephra or Razor most of the time, and they both have some nasty tan lines from going out with Razor and Klee and Fischl a lot 😔 Cyno also freaking loves them and dotes on them and Tyrian is getting a TCG addiction because of it smh, Cyno is also one of Zephra's favorite people and when she's in Sumeru she stays with him and Alhaitham (bc in my universe they are married ough I love cytham)

And (I think?) Klee physically and mentally ages slower than humans so I think she'd be technically 9 or 10, and Zephra is left with babysitting duty most of the time if she's home on break or smth 😭 Klee really looks up to her tho

Also, I wrote Tyrian's last bullet point like he was super young when Lisa died, but I think he was around 7 so he actually remembers Lisa better than I intended it to sound, he was just younger than Zephra (who was 11 at the time) and just didn't have as much time with her as Zeph did, but his most fond memory of Lisa was reading with her and she probably taught them some potion-making skills too.

I think there will be some abyss angst in here too at some point, since I hc Lisa to be probably an Abyss Lector/Harold (I forget which is which) um so thinking that Zeph and Tyrian experiencing some not normal things happening and Jean doesn't know what to do since Lisa also didn't really know what that dog in her was until it was too late 😔 That's what Kaeya's for tho since he's like the heir of the abyss???? Go off king. Also some touchy ragbros angst bc Kaeya is scared for Zeph knowing how close she is with Luc and he doesn't want him to push her away because of her being from the abyss or smth (they mostly made up but it's still a fear in Kaeya's mind both for him and Jean's kids)

I think that's all I wanted to touch on for now?? Mainly just thinking about domestic fluff and angst all the time now 🥺 Zeph not being able to be open with Jean bc she feels like a disappointment but Jean would literally actually die for her and shes proud of her no matter what ough im going to lose my freak dawg guess who my favorite fankid is it's super hard ik

Send me asks or dms or whatever for more ship requests!!! I'm having so much fun with this dawg 🫶🏻

[kawaiijohn]

Danny tries to pawn the Ghost King position off on his classmates.

Idk what I was doing, and then suddenly it turned into wes/danny I'm so fucking sorry?

T rating I embarrassed myself fucking writing this bc it came out of nowhere girl (gn) HELP

"Hey Dash how about instead of you focusing on your homework you just start beating me up, just like old times! I sure miss being slammed into a locker."

Dash looks at Fenton, confused before scoffing.

"Even though I normally love wailing on you, Fenturd, coach needs me on my best behavior. State's next week and I'm one loser swirlie away from being suspended."

"I won't scream or anything, I promise! Whaddya say? You get to beat the snot out of me and I won't even complain! I'll even thank you for it." Danny responds, looking around nervously. "But I'm in a bit of a rush, so can you make it quick and do it, say, before six tonight?"

Danny gives the other boy the saddest, most punchable puppy dog eyes he possibly can.

Dash rolls his eyes seeing Fenton ham it up. The loser only does this for his birthday, so it's really weird having him request it four months in advance. Dash decides to ignore the request, only gently pushing the dweeb out of his way. "Beat it, Fentertainment Tonite- I know you don't have a life, but I do."

Danny curses as Dash disappears down the halls.

"I know you want to punch me. You wanna do it so bad." Danny eggs on another of the jocks- Travis, he thinks. "Remember that time I said you punch like my Grandma?"

His grandma taught both his mom and aunt how to fight, but Travis doesn't need to know that.

"Beat it, jackwipe!" Travis shoves Danny out of the way and continues down the hall.

"The one time I need to be shoved into a locker or punched, none of the jocks want to even look at me." Danny bemoans.

He's already struck out with Dash and Kwan- both of which need to stay as non violent as possible with administration lurking around this close to their big game. Paulina pretended he didn't exist, and Star laughed in his face. Something about 'she already kicked his ass months ago'. Which was true, but he was certain he's done something since then worth beating him up for.

"I can't ask Sam or Tuck, it's gotta be someone I hate." Danny pauses with a shudder. "But definitely not Vlad- he already has an ego the size of the Milky Way..."

Danny hears the bell ring and wipes his sweaty palms on his pants.

He has until six tonight to get his ass beat. He can do that, right?

---

Danny is downright panicked now.

Detention really put a damper on his plans. Being stuck in a sweltering classroom with Lancer and Wes only made him more nervous. It really didn't help that Lancer needed helping hands for some after school thing.

Danny only has one option, and he's glad it's one of his 'enemies'.

"Heyyyyyy Wes, what's happening tonight?" Danny slings his arm around the tall boy's shoulder, pulling him down to pipsqueak height. "Wasn't that round of detention just fun?"

Wes nearly growls and shoves Danny off of him. "Fenton! You're the reason I was even there in the first place! If it wasn't for you and your stupid ghost bullshit I would have gotten to class on time!"

"Yeah?" Danny asks, being as annoyingly positive as he possibly can. "Well it's good that there was two of us, or else Lancer wouldn't have let either of us out until well after six!"

Danny looks at the clock nervously- five fifty.

He has ten minutes.

"I don't find moving entire stacks of chairs halfway across the school fun, or even a fair punishment for being late twice in a week. So what if the crafting club has their expo tonight? They should be the ones moving furniture." Wes tries to overtake Danny in the hall but he can't outwalk the other boy.

"But we got to spend all day with each other! Isn't that just swell?" Danny pukes in his mouth a little. He's got a goalpost to reach in less than ten minutes, and my the Ancients he's gonna do it.

"Spending time with a chronic liar and freak of nature isn't really what I consider fun, Fenton."

"Yeah, but we really bonded, don't you think? Had some quality one-on-one without you being a creep outside my house."

Wes's face reddens. "HEY! That was one time, and I don't want to have the cops chase me again. Or your parents, who are worse somehow."

"See, we're bonding here!" Danny jogs alongside Wes, making sure to keep pace at just the right level of obnoxious. But we should really bond sometime in the next... eight minutes."

"God there it is again! What? Do you have important Phantom shit to do at six or something?" Wes rubs his temples. "You're being freakier than normal today and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it."

"There's nothing to get to the bottom of, I just have something to do later. Not Phantom or ghost related- something completely normal and human, yep."

"God you piss me the fuck off, Fenton." Wes crosses his arms and blocks the doorway out of the school. "And one of these days, I'm gonna get you to confess, and then it'll be all over."

"Yeah, that's nice and all, but like, wouldn't it just be so satisfying to, I dunno, take out all that pent up frustration on me?" Danny grins devilishly at the other boy. "Come on, I have such a punchable face! Aaaaand since you say I'm a ghost or whatever it won't actually hurt me, right?"

Danny gets right up into Wes's personal space and looks up at him with a shit-eating grin.

"Back off, Fenton." Wes backs himself against the lockers. He looks anywhere but Danny's face. "Personal space is a concept even stupid ghosts understand."

"Yeah, but if I'm a stupid ghost doesn't that make you wanna prove it? Can't you prove it by beating me up? You have a camera..." Danny reaches for the camera slung around Wes's shoulder and points it at his own face. "It'd be soooo easy."

Wes's face is currently doing its best impression of a tomato as he continues to ignore Danny.

"Please? I'm gonna start begging you to beat my ass soon if you don't acknowledge me, Wes."

"Back. Off. Fenton." Wes stares Danny right in the face. "Last chance."

Danny does the opposite and yanks Wes to stare him in the eyes. "You wanna punch me so bad it makes you look stupid, Weston." Danny chuckles and makes his eyes flash green. "Your face is sooooo red with rage- you wanna kick my ass, admit it!"

Danny barely gets a warning before Wes lunges and tackles him to the ground with a kiss.

Both boys gasp in surprise and Wes backs himself against the lockers with a loud bang.

They sit in silence, staring at each other in disbelief before Danny laughs.

"Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Sh-shut up! It's not my fault you're kind of..."

"Wait, have you been staring at me this whole time because you're crushing on me?" Danny laughs in disbelief as Wes turns even brighter red. "Is that how you 'accidentally' discovered my secret?"

"No!" Wes sputters out. "I don't sta-"

"Stalk me, yeah. Dude you follow me around with a camera to try and expose me. What sort of fruitloop shit are you pulling??"

"Well, if you weren't lying about being a human, then I wouldn't need to-"

"Yeah yeah, whatever." Danny doesn't know how to feel about it, really. Wes is kind of cute, and he's unhinged just like the rest of his friends. But he's also obsessed with exposing him, and kind of stalks him (to no success).

He spends a few moments before he glances at the clock again.

Two minutes left.

He can use this to his advantage, even if it's dirty and underhanded.

"Hey Wes. You really fucking suck at kissing." He eggs the other boy on. "Like, zero technique, all desperation!"

"Shut up!"

Wes starts crying a little. Danny only feels a little bad, but he really needs this to happen.

"What, even I've kissed people before and I'm a loser! Plus I bet you can't even man up and fight me like I want- you're such a little cuck boy, Weston! Always relying on other people to do the dirty work of beating my ass so you can gather your evidence like a little bitch in the dark."

"I said shut up!" Wes's face is bright red again- an angry embarrassment with tears streaming down his face.

But he still has to keep going, even if it feels gross to do this to someone who he kind of likes.

"Make me, Wesley." He spits.

---

It's a dirty brawl but it ends with a very red-faced Wes pinning a bruised and elated Danny to the ground. The latter feels awful about playing dirty with Wes's feelings, but it seems the other boy really needed to take out his rage on him.

"Sooooo, you admit you have complete victory in this fight, right Wes?" Danny smiles up from underneath the other boy.

Wes sputters, his face still bright red and tears running down his cheeks. "You're such a fucking little shit, Fenton."

"Thanks, I try!. But I need you to accept that I'm saying you have total victory in this fight."

Wes sighs and lets go of Danny's wrists and sits back against the lockers. "Yeah, sure. I beat your ass fair and square. Also do you know how weird it is to see you healing this fast? I swear I gave you a black eye."

"You did. I'm just a fast healer." Danny sits up and looks around. He feels... guilty. At least for only finding one person to do this to.

The clock strikes six.

"Also, I'm sorry I lied- you're not a bad kisser. I just needed you to beat my ass. Also sorry about what's about to happen." Danny rubs the back of his neck.

"Sorry about wha-" Wes is interrupted by a portal opening beside the two of them.

"Sorry for being impolite, we should assume." An Observant materializes out of the void beside him. "It's not polite for the crown prince to wait until the last minute to find a replacement, but since you have... bested Prince Phantom in combat, albeit not formal combat, the rules are the rules."

Wes glares at Danny who is doing his best trying to disappear without going ghost.

"Prince Phantom??" Wes spits at the other boy.

"Yep! Former Prince Phantom." Danny smirks. "And again, sorry, but they only gave me today until six to find a replacement. The whole King schtick isn't really my jam."

Wes stares at the other boy as more Observants spill from the hole in reality and bow to him.

"Fenton..."

"Hey! I'm not gonna bail on you or anything. You still need an advisor- I just really don't wanna deal with the formality shit. Hope you understand!"

Danny gives Wes a peace sign as he's escorted through the portal, pissed off, confused, and shell-shocked.

[yandere-yearnings]

On top of my last ask I also have a question geared to your sillies

We all know both Sunny and Dice have a serious jealousy problem but I was wondering why exactly that's the case? Like did anything happen in their past to make them respond so aggressively when the threat of potentially losing reader arises?

If you're planning to go into this further in their main stories then you can ignore this ask ofc :)

-Gnawing on your latest posts, 🦢

i do intend to delve into their backstories and why they are the way they are later on down the line in their main stories, but bc i'm being a bit slow with releasing new chapters, i figured it'd be nice to just explain it. also, i'm glad you enjoyed my latest posts swan nonnie🥺 gonna try and answer more asks soon so hopefully that means more content too🥰

major spoilers for sun's and dice's backstories under the cut!

warnings for mentions of cheating, alcoholism, child abuse and neglect❗❗

so, originally sun and dice had a fairly normal life, if not a really happy one — they were in what would be considered a standard family, with a mother and father who seemed to love each other loads and dote on their children. in actuality, their parents' marriage was going stale and their mother ended up having an affair with another woman, soon eloping with her and abandoning them.

that in itself was a point of trauma for both of them, sun especially, bc he was older and had spent more time with her. neither of them really understood how someone could say they loved them one day, only to have left them all alone within 24 hours, not even a note or message to explain.

then, they were forced to take the repercussions of their mother's actions in the form of verbal and physical abuse from their father, who had steadily become an alcoholic. all of the household income was used to fuel his addiction and own living expenses, and sun and dice were neglected for a long time before their aunt came to take them away.

somewhere, they kinda expected their father to at least fight for them, but when he gave them up so quickly — not wanting to see their faces anymore bc they looked so much like her, the feeling of abandonment they had been experiencing prior finally reached a point where it started to define them.

they had a lot bottled up from then; feeling wronged, feeling like they had so much left to say, questioning why. a lot of anger and bitterness and desperation to just feel wanted again fueled them into becoming who they did. sun would fight a lot as a teen, bc he felt constantly frustrated and it was easy to push him over the edge. dice was really passive, and he'd let himself get picked on bc he didn't feel like he was worth enough to speak up against it.

their respective darlings meet them at a time where they've just begun to establish a sense of self-importance, and it's bc they're clinging to that little confidence they finally have, that they're both adamant nothing takes it away from them ever again. sun doesn't ever want to be tossed aside like his mother had done to him all those years ago, and dice doesn't want betrayal to turn him into the monster his father had become.

for those reasons, they'll do whatever it takes to make sure they don't lose you. whenever they see you with someone else, they can just imagine you building a relationship with that person and leaving them behind to suffer in the end. just the thought has every bad memory flooding back. it makes them murderous.

for what felt like forever, all they had was each other and the resigned understanding between them. now they have their darlings, that desire to be seen again has reignited, and they rely to a dangerous extent on the promise that love could make up for all the pain they didn't deserve.

[forgottenspring]

A whole new level to being the supposedly "closeted" gay cousin at Thanksgiving. I know this may not get notes/views, but I was reminded of this today. So I wanted to share a wild "Me the Gay Cousin at Thanksgiving" story from two years ago that felt right out of a 90s sit com special episode.

Since I'm spending this Thanksgiving chilling with a friend instead, I realized yall might like to hear this story.

In my family my sister and I are the only two of our age. The rest of the cousins are MUCH young than us. Us being young adults and our cousins being lil gremlin preteen boys. We're talking like 10 boys overall and our two lil bros, and two newly not toddler girls at the time.

So bc of this my sister and I always sit at the kids table bc our uncles and aunts didn't want us excluded and feeling we couldn't be kids. (I am now 25 turning 26 for context, so I was about 23).

So, I know my family is highly religious and horribly homophobic/transphobic. So lil pagan nonbinary lesbian cupio aroace me has been squeaking by bc I've been holding my tongue and refusing to date in Utah around family for years in the past. Unless it was a group date with friends and the guy asked me out.

So imagine my shock when me and my lil bros and dude cousins are chilling on the floor playing a board game (my sister was at a friend's house that year) bc I don't want to hear the adults say anything that will rile me up bc I really don't want to be outed this year.

And right after I finish my turn, my kid cousin slides over a whiteboard and I look down and freeze in shock. It says "R U Gay?" And I'm knowing his parents are especially homophobic. And what I was afraid of AKA I'm out of the closet and tired, I wrote "Yes" and turned back to the game. He froze and squeaked out a "What!?" And he whispers back to me asking if it's true, as if I just admitted I was insane. And I shrug, trying to play it cool as I realize suddenly the ramifications of it and freaking out now bc he's a blabbermouth. I see both my brothers make eye contact to make sure I'm okay, which I nod to them. I then whisper back to my cousin and go "Yeah" and he tells me that's wrong bc nobody's gay and if they are they're evil, it's a joke you ask ppl in school. And I realize I have to walk this back immediately before my aunt and uncle are told and I'm outed on Thanksgiving and I haven't even come out to my dad yet.

So I shrug tell him I know a lot of people at school who are gay and they're really sweet people. And lie and tell him I'm not gay that I was just playing into the joke. He seems shocked that gay people exist and I know them. But finally after a bit he nods thinking nothing of it, but at least he's cooler about the gay topic I guess and I just survived.

I go downstairs where the adults are hanging bc the boys are running around in the snow and I'm wanting to try being with the adults, since I am one, for a minute. And to nobody's shock after a bit of joking around and stuff, my dad, aunts, uncles, and grandma are raving about "These people nowadays pushing their politics and gay agenda." I don't know how to react, so after a few minutes, I turn around and go back upstairs realizing what could have happened that night.

Luckily I came out later on to my dad and my siblings have already known for years so I felt less bad. But overall it really felt odd when I was put on the spot like that and then hearing my family talk like that. Like-... It felt like something you hear about on TV shows and go "That's such a contrived scene that doesn't happen in real life." And in that moment I was processing the whole scenario and less if I wanted to come out or not.

So anyways probs going to avoid Thanksgiving moving forward for multiple reasons, but mainly for the fact that I can't stay in the closet anymore bc I've been out for too long and I WILL get into arguments over gay/trans rights without thinking bc I'm tired and bad at staying in the closet. And the few ppl in my family who know other than my sibs have reacted oddly to horribly. And I really would prefer not being ostracized from the family whose already pretty sure I'm somehow gay bc I didn't pray enough or something rn bc I'm tired and in an unstable place that if I need to stay with a relative I'd like not for it to be being hate crimed 24/7. But I live in a different state than my family now and much better for it.

I have a good group of friends that are family to me now and I know I'll be okay. And I'm happy and living my best life rn and enjoy every day I'm being myself around ppl who accept and love me. But it still hurts to think about some days y'know.

TLDR: My preteen cousin asked on a whiteboard "R U GAY?" two years ago and I nearly outed myself on Thanksgiving to my religious homophobic family, bc I didn't realize he was doing a middle school prank.

[ihatehannibal]

trauma dumping bc I can't afford therapy

thinking about how I didn't even say our dad was abusive to us out loud even once until I was like 21 (or think it, honestly), which was a full 7 years after he was out of our house for good. and when I did finally say it my sister replied with "no, we weren't abused, he had a temper but that isn't abuse" & then I internalized that for a few more years. I still have moments where I doubt my own perception of what happened & need a reality check, to see it all laid out so I can pretend it happened to someone else & be like "yeah okay of course it was abuse". I can't really put this anywhere else but here

I remember at least 2 occasions where my mom definitely thought my dad was going to kill us all. the first one was especially terrifying bc I was younger, he broke down a door (not just broke through thr lock, I mean he kicked the door until it splintered to pieces as if it had exploded) to get to where my mom had us all hidden, locked in her room. & when the banging of him kicking the door started she began frantically apologizing immediately through her tears & I sensed her fear & knew instinctively what she thought was about to happen. I was 10 at that time I think, my siblings were 8 & 6. my memory blacks out at his silhouette appearing in the threshold so I dunno what happened next but later said that he thought that /she/ was killing /us/ and that's why he broke down the door but that is the most ridiculous lie I've ever heard. he knows damn well she would never harm a hair on our heads.

the second occasion my mom thought he was going to kill us was when I was 14 and it was only a year after the family annihilation happened to our friends, which was committed by the father-who my mom & aunts had known since they were teenagers-so it made that seem much more real & plausible to us all. my (9 at the time) brother did something, I don't even remember but it was probably just normal child misbehaving, & it made my dad so mad that he started chasing him around the house screaming that he was going to kill him, my mom yelled for my brother to run as far away as possible so he left the house and ran down the street & my mom and sister were physically holding my dad back so that he couldn't go after him, but he pushed both of them to the ground and got outside. luckily my brother was out of sight by then, hiding in our neighbors bushes. I had called the cops but he was miraculously very calm when they arrived, as usual. after that my mom never let him live with us again & he went off and shacked up with his current wife before the divorce papers were even served. not even gonna get into how fucked up that whole situation was.

those are the big occasions but god there was so much in between. he was really jekyll & hyde, the second he lost his temper he became something very terrifying. he and my mom had screaming matches long into the night very often, usually about stuff he was doing to us (he believed in corporal punishment, not closed fist beatings or anything but spanking and hitting us with spatulas and such, and he was always full of rage when he did it so it hurt a lot & scared us) and she almost never let us be alone with him, another relative would always have to be there supervising.

then of course there was the religious shit, obviously, I've talked about it before. he told me from the time I was 4 or 5 that I shouldn't focus on what I wanted to be when I grow up cuz the world was going to end before I reached adulthood & I had to be a soldier for god in the apocalypse, which could happen at any moment so I had to be prepared. oh and that everyone i loved-my whole family except him-would be dragged to hell to be tortured for eternity, that my dead grandpa who I was very close to was already there for being a catholic rather than a fundie, & that I'd go to hell if I didn't listen to him. he said he was trying to save me. my mom had to find this out from my therapist when I was in first grade & she lost it. she has since told me that she would have left him right then if she didnt have a 3 kids under 7 at the time & no way of supporting us alone. another harmful thing he tried to force on us was of course the belief that gay people are broken & need to be fixed or they'll go to hell. as someone who realized I liked girls as a preteen that obviously was hard to hear. my brother is gay too & I know it's affected him badly.

I was a really troubled child & I guess it makes sense given the horrible anxiety he instilled in me plus I was seeing psychiatrists from as early as 5 for my ocd & depression. I got my autism dx (well, aspergers, since that was still a clinical term back then) around that time too. school was hellish bc people ostracized & mocked me for being a mute & wearing the same clothes every day due to sensory issues. I had no friends at all for a few years. I hit puberty really early & got groped by a few boys so that was just great. I was also the tallest person in my class until 7th grade when the boys started growing which while not traumatic kind of sucked bc I felt like a hulking giant when all I wanted to do was hide. I eventually learned to mask, forced myself to talk more & made friends with other unpopular girls at school. safety in numbers (by high school I stopped giving a shit about what anyone thought so that was good).

I was medicated for the first time at 12 when my intrusive thoughts got worse & I tried to kill myself, from then on they just kept adding more diagnoses and more pills from 12-16ish. bipolar, like my dad & uncle (who has since killed himself). I started using food as a coping mechanism around age 14 & developed various eating disorders that extend to this day, which probably also originated in my fathers fear that we would be fat like everyone on my mom's side & his control over our eating (he wouldn't even let me have cupcakes if someone brought them to school for a bday party, he told my teachers I had allergies that I don't have). I slit up my arms for awhile in my late teens and early 20s as a way to stop panic attacks. I dropped out of college. I became a drug addict. never had sex or a proper long term relationship & probably never will bc I don't like being emotionally or physically vulnerable. I know it has a lot to do with the way I was treated as a kid. I took a test once & it said I have an avoidant attachment style which is very accurate. apparently that happens when a child grows up not feeling safe with one or both parents.

reading this back I still immediately think "well others had it worse so maybe it wasn't REAL abuse. maybe I don't have C-PTSD." like no matter what my brain just won't accept my reality

[safyresky]

CONTEXT FOR ANYONE WHO READS MINE TAGS/IS WONDERING WHY I'VE BEEN QUIET. ER. THAN USUAL

December/January has been WILDIN. In an attempt to establish boundaries that has backfired so hard it spiralled so out of control it exploded, I have made approximately SEVEN (7) trips up and down to see my family/parents IN A ROW. And while SOME of them were day trips or take-the-GO trips, it was still EXHAUSTING.

Here is a full, chronological list of trips up:

Dec 8: Went to visit to help with Christmas decor help/cousin's bday; ended up helping with house clean up (no decorating D:)

Dec 15: Day trip for Aunt's 60th bday. We took the GO. There were DELAYS. This never happens on our line.

My aunt invited ALL HER FRIENDS. This made it doubly exhausting.

(but she had a lovely time and was so glad we came up and told us as much)

Dec 21-22: Everyone got sick post my aunt's 60th bday; went down to help take care of the sickos and the house and fix dishwashers because BOTH OF THE DISHWASHERS AT MY PARENT'S PLACE BROKE THAT WEEKEND, ON TOP OF THEM BOTH BEING SICK AND MY SISTER CATCHING IT AS WELL!

They were all VERY bad off, actually. My Dad was in emerge for the day to try and get his immune system under control--mans is asthmatic and OLD (he's okay now he has a follow up THIS WEEK to make sure whatever tf they got was cleared and for a fresh ventalin he hopes)

Dec 25: Christmas day trip (worth it to not have to stay with grumpy mum and dad all day post dealing with grumpy aunties

one aunt (not the one who turned 60) made me want to bite when she insulted my brother to mine face--very rude, ma'am. It's christmas and he's trying ok. shut up.)

Dec 28-29: Went to Niagara to see the lights with granny and fam and also eat at a restaurant my Gran really, really likes

(The Barrel. If you're ever in the Port Colborne/Niagara area. GO. The wings are fucking SUPERB).

This was a HARDER weekend bc Richard was working so he couldn't come down with me and my mother was HELLA gaslighting/being "sneaky" and trying to delay my time to stay longer despite me wanting to go to my ding dang HOUSE that I LIVE IN with my CAT and my HUSBANDO. GAH

I did not stay extra despite being on winter break lmao I went tf home THAT NIGHT. BOUNDARIES. AHHHH,,,,

Jan 4-5: My sister's b-day. Down FRIDAY NIGHT FOR MORNING FESTIVITIES

(fun but man. EXHAUSTING. Saw Moana 2 tho! Was a good movie, could be better but I sups enjoyed it)

Jan 12: cousin cribmas-pushed-to-new-years! THANKFULLY I had today at home but spent most of the afternoon cooking since it's a potluck and I like making food for people. And also cooking with Richard. Which is no surprise lmao I wouldn't have married the man if I didn't like doing things with him 🥰🥰🥰🥰

We ALSO went out for New Years, but that was up North with some friends so even though it WAS an extra travel day, (making for EIGHT TRIPS in this general direction, ish), it was with FRIENDS so, y'know, it was a DELIGHT. I've never seen Richard so relaxed and oh my GOD it was SO NICE to have a snowy new year!! Also, there were dogs. They were cuties. Even the 3 month puppy the size of ME who barked a BUNCH.

Right, so. USUALLY these festivities--the cribmas gathering with the cousins, cribmas itself, and the lights at--Niagara take place within the same week since I get two weeks off during Christmas bc the school is closed, and everyone else's jobs were more predictable.

UNFORTUNATELY this year, everyone's jobs had holiday hours and so we could NOT arrange these things in order.

I didn't want to stay at my folks place on my own for ANY LONGER THAN I NEEDED TO so I opted for day trip on Christmas (since Richard worked Christmas Eve and Boxing Day) and the weekend trips as we planned our usual celebrations when worked best. And I was like "FUCK yeah, staying at home for most of my weekdays off! Doing my own thang!!" but I neglected to think of how EXHAUSTING all those back and forths were bc in my head it seemed like, 3 trips, and that's doable, no prob!

Then the SICKNESS WEEKEND came outta nowhere and we still came down for the bday celebrations prior to that, even if one of them involved taking the GO. We still came all the way down and travel time is big! It's still a LOT, especially when you consider that from my house to my parent's place, it's roughly a three hour journey. LONGER if you go during a high traffic time bc we have to drive THROUGH Toronto.

This is the drive on a map:

As Richard would say: "YEAP. SHE'S A BIGGIN."

We've done this drive so often it's par the course for us. We know the ups and downs, where the cops hide out, most common traffic areas, and WORST times to BE on the highway. That current time? Two hours and thirty-nine minutes? That's on a GOOD DAY with NO TRAFFIC, WHETHER IT BE CONGESTION OR COLLISION CAUSED. AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE WEATHER, LORDY. YOU THINK CANADIANS KNOW HOW TO DRIVE IN THE SNOW? THINK AGAIN! EVERY TIME IT SNOWS ASSHOLES ARE DRIVING RECKLESSLY OR OVER CAUTIOUSLY AND IT IS A NIGHTMARE! AH!

Anyway. We've done this trip. In the last month alone. SEVEN TIMES. There and back. That's like, 500km. So when I WAS at home enjoying my time off in, y'know, MY OWN SPACE, I was RECOVERING from the LAST DRIVE. AND THEN IMMEDIATELY DOING IT AGAIN.

"But Dani," you're saying. "How did this come from boundaries being set?"

Well, you see. I said this year I'd come down for Christmas and THAT'S IT.

I was very wrong, buds. Yep!

And yeah, I coulda said NO, and Richard and I did discuss if we wanted to go to the December BDays. We ended up deciding yes and yeah. I have. Some regret. s. ehehehehehhhhhhhh

Needless to say, this is our LAST TRIP DOWN UNTIL MID-FEBRUARY, AND THEN I SHALL GET BACK INTO THE SWING OF THINGS, mainly scrimblies and 2025's art goals and of course writing!

January writing goals are: Clifton Part 3, an old smile shot rewrite to spread some LURVE! And finishing the Valentine's oneshot I wanted to post two vdays ago, lmao. Art wise, we got two more scrimbles and then some fun EXPERIMENTS! HEHEHEHEHE. TO DRAW TAG HERE WE COME! We just, haven't had the time/space to do it!

BUT NOW WE WILL! And I haven't forgotten about the results of THIS POLL! ;) Spoiler alert: the winning pick involves the Twin Princes >:)

So YEAH. Presently, I have had a good amount of caffeinated bevvy and am not yet sleeby eepy, so I figured I'd hog dashes, post that poll bc I'm indecisive (and I already figured it out with like, only 2-3 votes lol), and give a little post/update about my me bc sometimes. Sometimes the blog becomes the diary and sometimes u just need to VENT lol

[infamousmonkey-cat]

went to the march earlier, then part of the rally. first speaker was a palestinian doctor, then a local mayor who recently left the labour party to become an independent due to their stance on palestine. both very effective speakers but i had to leave after that because the wind was cutting right through my coat and i literally felt like my nipples were going to freeze off, like actually freeze solid

i went and got tacos after that. many is the burrito i have eaten but i don't think i've ever had a taco before? the mexican food scene here is pretty underdeveloped (i mean the latin american population is teeny tiny and very concentrated in london so that makes sense). anyway i don't know if there is a trick to eating tacos without dropping the filling literally everywhere?? or maybe mine were overfilled idk. anyway they were very tasty but stressful af to eat. also i got churros, churros are not new to me, i have been stanning churros for years ok

then i went to blackwell's and spent half my christmas book token from my aunt on 'fictions' by borges bc i am on a little bit of a borges kick right now. i looked at the frankensteins but for the edition i was leaning towards there was only one copy and it was kind of beaten up. then i thought about getting 'a fine and private place' but i didn't want to use up my whole book token in one go (i'm probably gonna get 'neuroqueer heresies' with it instead tbh).

then i went to oxfam and bought some za'atar, and they had a frankenstein so i just got that one--it's not necessarily a "good" edition but fuck it. they also had palestinian olive oil which i have been wanting to get for ages but it was out of my price range tbqh. like i'm sure it's that price for a good reason but i had already kind of pushed the boat out so i didn't get any of that

anywhere here is my haul (less tacos and churros bc they are inside me)

i honestly find town super stressful on a saturday and it's not when i would choose to go in. by this point i was feeling kind of wiped out and headachey so i got the bus home and then when i was getting off the bus my bag got caught on the door and i went "shit! sorry" to the driver but i think i said it too loud and there was a kid on the bus so... whoops

aaand the sudan discussion is in about an hour so i'm just gonna lie in bed and moan until then

[nichoswag]

forever . choi taeyang (theo)

genre: fluff

pairing: theo x reader

summary: a very cuddly Theo helps babysit your cousins, leading to a somewhat serious conversation

warnings: none except an extremely cute and cuddly theo the audacity

a/n: this was previously a keeho fic bc i was severely keeho biased but i realized it just doesn't fit him so it's been edited. please mind random errors i might have made while switching the names.

Theo watches in admiration as you play with your nine and seven-year-old cousins.

Your aunt had asked your mother if your two cousins could stay over at your apartment for the weekend while her and your uncle go on a business trip to the US, and your mom, being her sweet self, had offered to play video games with the girls. However, your mom wasn't feeling well, so you'd offered to play GTA 5 with the pair until their bedtime while your mother gets some rest.

After the girls go to bed, you and your boyfriend have plans to go out with your friends, so he was over, just sitting on the couch and watching the scene unfolding on the floor in front of him.

See, that's how you ended up on the carpet with both girls trying to sit on your lap during your turn on the PS4.

"Ga-eun, please get off of me!" you exclaim breathlessly to the older out of your two cousins, as the weight of both girls begins crushing you. "You too, Da-won!"

Both girls similtaneously climb off of you and sit on the makeshift bed on the floor.

"Here, Ga-eun, finish off my turn and then let Da-won play," you say, handing the controller to the older girl. You then move to sit on the couch next to your boyfriend.

Taeyang presses a kiss to your cheek and wraps his arms around you. "They're so mean to you," he mumbles into your neck."

You smile. "That's just how kids are."

An hour later, around nine o'clock, you're putting the girls to sleep in their makeshift bed out of blankets.

Taeyang watches from the doorway as you kiss Da-won's forehead and tell her goodnight. However, as you move to kiss Ga-eun, she protests and pushes you away.

"I'm too big for that," she says. "Only mommy gives me kisses."

"Okay," you say with your hands up. "Goodnight, then." You smile at the two girls as you go to turn off the lamp.

As your hand reaches for the button on the lamp, you hear Ga-eun say "Wait!" and you turn back to see her sitting up andcrossing her arms.

"What's wrong?" You ask.

"Can I have a hug?" she mumbles. "Mommy still gives me hugs before bed."

"Of course," you say, already walking back to her. You kneel down and wrap your arms around her smaller frame, and she kisses your cheek. You lean back, surprised as she giggles and hugs you again.

Taeyang watches you with a smile as you finally walk out and join him in the kitchen.

"What?" you ask, confused as to why he's smiling. Not that you don't like seeing the expression that brings so many butterflies to your stomach, but you're just wondering why.

"You're so good with kids," he finally says, wrapping his arms around your waist and pressing a chaste kiss to your lips.

"I am not," you insist. "Ga-eun got mad at me for trying to kiss her."

"But you respected her personal space and that made her want to hug and kiss you instead," he explains.

"Wow," you say. "I didn't even think about that."

He grins and presses his face into your neck, breathing in the scent of your coconut shampoo. "Maybe we should have kids one day," he whispers.

You lean back to gape at him. You didn't realize he'd been thinking of a future.

He seems to think you don't like the idea, because next he stammers, "I- I mean, if you want. You know, if we're even together in a few years."

You smile at him, and he breathes out a sigh, clearly relieved. "I'd like that a lot. Just in a few years."

"Of course," he says, and he presses his lips against yours again.

As you think about your future with him, you find yourself wishing you could be here, kissing him, forever.

nichoswag | 4.14.22

[leiascully]

What if Mulder's wish is that Scully could have a baby and then bc all the wishes get manipulated somehow, Scully just immediately becomes pregnant and ready to have the baby? How does everyone react? What dies Mulder do?

"You know what I want," he said, "for her."

The genie gazed at him steadily, her eyes just visible above the rim of her glasses. The mark of the djinn caught the light. "That seems like a wish you could grant on your own, champ."

He shook his head, frustrated by the whole weighty history between them, from the abduction to the thousand indignities and setbacks of the IVF. "It's not like that."

Jenn nodded. "You're still going to have to say it. That's how this works."

"I want Scully to have a baby," he said. "I want both of them to be happy and healthy." A vision of Emily flashed behind his eyes, wan and struggling to breathe in her hospital bed. "Happy and healthy and human. That part's important."

"Anything else? No penchant for sports, no talent for languages, no bespoke hair or eye color? You don't care if it has your nose?" Jen waited for him to shake his head. He didn't care about anything except Scully's happiness. She pursed her lips slightly. "It's done."

"Thank you," he breathed. His phone rang. He thumbed it on. "Mulder."

"Mulder?" Scully's voice sounded breathless, a little tense. "It's time."

"Time for what?" he asked, already putting his hand in his pocket to look for his keys.

"To go to the hospital," she said.

"The hospital?" he asked. "Why?"

"Mulder, are you all right?"

"Seems like a question I should be asking you." He was out the door of the basement office already, Jenn forgotten as she swiveled in his chair.

"I'm in labor," she said calmly. "Finally. I don't think I could even look at another piece of pineapple."

"You're what?" He glanced at the elevator and then sprinted up the stairs.

"I'm in labor," she repeated. "Contractions are about six minutes apart, so that gives us some wiggle room when it comes to traffic."

He shoved through the door to the garage and hurried to his car. "Scully, this is all so sudden."

"Is it?" she asked. "Mulder, I know you're not the most perceptive person when it comes to more earthly concerns, and you may have tactfully refrained from commenting on the weight I've gained, but I know you've noticed an increase in certain areas. I've got the kind of cleavage push-up bras can only dream of."

"I'm at the office," he said, his mind spinning. "I'll be there as soon as I can." He hung up and opened the car door. Jenn certainly worked in mysterious ways, but he couldn't argue with the immediacy of the result. It seemed to take forever to get to Scully's apartment in Georgetown. She opened the door immediately to his knock and the sight of her soothed the panicked thoughts crowding his mind. He put both hands on her shoulders, reassuring himself. She looked up at him, her face round and peaceful and weary all at the same time.

"I'm fine," she said before he could ask, and then winced. She reached out and grabbed his shirt, clutching it in her fists.

"Breathe," he said, suddenly aware of the immense depths of his ignorance about birthing and babies, but knowing that at least. "Hee hee hoo hoo."

"If only you'd come to Lamaze class with me," she gritted out between panting breaths.

"I wish I had," he said, rubbing her shoulders. After a few moments, her body relaxed under his hands. "This is really happening, huh?"

"Seems like it," she said.

"What do you need?" He glanced around. There was a bag set near the door. He picked it up.

"That's it," she said. "I called my mother. She'll be there soon. Of course this would happen the one day she happened to go out of town, but my cousin is due any day now and it's my aunt's first grandchild, so there's a lot of excitement."

"I'll bet," Mulder said. "Shall we?"

She held his hand through the contractions while they were in the car, squeezing until his bones crackled in protest. He squeezed back gently, driving as carefully as he could. The hospital swept her up in a whirl of paperwork and obligatory wheelchairs and only Scully catching hold of his hand again let him pass through the doors with her.

"Is this your husband?" someone asked, clipboard at the ready.

"He's my partner and I need him with me," Scully said fiercely.

"Yes, ma'am," said the someone, and Mulder followed along. obedient as a lamb, Scully's fingers still laced through his. She let him go only

The hours in the hospital blurred together as he helped Scully change position and fed her chips of ice. They paced together. He steadied her as she sat on a ball or squatted on the bed. It was a strange, primal experience listening to Scully pant and grunt, watching her move around the weight of her womb. Her face twisted each time the pain came, her belly hard and round under the thin gown. The doctor came in eventually to conduct all kinds of measurements.

"All right, Ms Scully - it's time to push. Dad, you get ready to catch this little one."

Mulder opened his mouth, but all he said was, "I'm ready." A nurse handed him a gown and helped him thrust his arms through it. Another contraction was already rippling through Scully's body and she was reaching for him. He murmured encouragement to her in a constant stream, telling her how strong she was, how brave, what a good mother she was going to make, that there was nowhere else in the world he'd rather be. There was pain and sweat and shouting and moments of exhausted relief, and then a baby was crying heartily in the doctor's arms. The doctor gave Mulder gloves and pressed a strange pair of scissors into his hands and he cut the umbilical cord. Scully was still straining as the doctor praised her and urged her to keep pushing just a little longer to deliver the placenta. Another flurry of activity later and the baby was being put gently into his arms. He laid her on Scully's chest as she tugged the gown down to bare her skin.

"She's beautiful," Mulder said. "Look what you made, Scully."

"Thank you," Scully said, sounding slightly hoarse. She gazed at the dark head of her daughter.

"I'll let you two get acquainted," he said.

"Stay," Scully said without looking up.

"If that's what you want," he said, easing into a chair and scooting close to the bed.

"That's what I want," she said, and gazed up at him. "That's what we want."

He stayed, through the soft hungry sounds of the baby's first feeding, through the baby's first nap, through Maggie's arrival and delight and the baby's second feeding, through Scully and the baby both falling asleep, through the first hours of the rest of their lives together.

[kyber-crystal]

department of matchmaking || s.r

summary: in which you’re asked by aunt may to babysit peter while she’s away at a business conference & steve tags along. peter, being the innocent smol bean he is, tries to get you and the Captain together.

words: ~3.1k

warnings: none, just fluff & a little matchmaking spider-man :) and OH steve’s blue jacket heheh. tony’s your dad in this oop cant resist a stark child. shhh CW never happened bc i’m still in denial 

Peter: Aunt May says she has a couple errands to run so she won't be back until later this afternoon. Can you pick me up? School just ended.

You: Of course!

Peter: Ned and I are planning on building the Lego Death Star tonight. I know you're a sucker for building stuff :)

You: You know me so well, kiddo. I'm definitely in. How could I miss out on our weekly date nights?

Peter: You're the best! See you soon

You: See you!

"Where are you going?"

"May's busy, so I gotta go pick Peter up from school," you explained to Steve as you slung your purse over your shoulder and grabbed the keys to your (Tony's) Audi, sliding your sunglasses on. "We're having one of our weekly Friday movie nights, and he and Ned just got a new Lego set that they want me to help construct. You wanna come along?"

"Sure, I don't mind."

You headed outside to the car together, sticking the keys into the ignition as Steve slid in next to you in the passenger's seat. "I hope you don't have anything else planned for the rest of tonight. We might be there for a while...I know we were gonna see that new action movie in theaters tomorrow. I'm sorry."

"Nope, no plans," he smiled, "I'm free for the rest of this weekend. As long as I get to spend time with you, it's okay."

You couldn't help but feel your heart flutter a bit at his words. 

But you quickly brushed the thought off, knowing the last thing you were supposed to do was fall for someone after you'd just gotten over a nasty breakup.

Soon enough, you pulled up in front of Midtown High School and saw Peter standing with Ned by the curb. You rolled the window down and called out to them. "Hey, boys. Need a ride?"

"My favorite Avenger! Hi!" Ned greeted as he and Peter got into the backseat, strapping their seatbelts on.

"Ouch, I'm offended," Steve placed a hand over his chest and pretended to look hurt. "I thought I was your favorite?"

"Captain America! It's an honor!" he exclaimed. "I've heard so much about you from Peter!"

"Oh, really? I hope he only told you good things?" the super-soldier chuckled.

"Yup!"

"So, how was school?" you glanced back at the two teenagers from the rearview mirror. "Anything interesting happen?"

"No, except they actually served something edible in the cafeteria for lunch today," Peter rolled his eyes. "Which is a first."

You sighed, placing your hand back on the wheel, "School food isn't the best thing ever."

"So uh, I have a question," Ned spoke up as you headed down the street, "are you and Y/N a...thing? ‘Cause I hear a lot of fans are speculating that the kickass agent and America’s golden boy are dating."

"What? No," you and Steve replied in unison, exchanging a knowing look before bursting into laughter. "No."

"Okay..."

It was mostly quiet for the rest of the car ride back to the apartment. Peter pulled out the keys from his jacket pocket and slid it in the lock, pushing the door open and gesturing for the rest of you to come inside.

"So," he breathed out, setting his backpack down by the front door and dusting his hands off. You sat around the sofa together, glancing at the massive Lego set on the coffee table. "Here it is, in all its glory."

"How many pieces is this?" Steve questioned, looking at it in shock.

"Almost 4000."

A buzzing sound from his phone made Peter look down, swiping a few times before unlocking it and scanning over the new notification.

"May has an overnight business conference and she won't be back until tomorrow evening. She wants you to babysit," he explained as he looked up at you.

"Fine by me," you shrugged. "Cap?"

"Sure, why not."

"But I'm 15 and 8 months! I'm not a baby."

"Well, kiddo, I'm 28 and Tony treats me like a baby even though I’m not a baby anymore. Steve's going on 32, and acts like he's 12."

"I do not!"

"Yes, you do."

"I do not!"

"Yes, you do."

"Arguing like a married couple," Peter coughed, and Ned wiggled his eyebrows up and down. "Cute."

"For the last time, we're not a thing," you let out an exasperated sigh, but felt a blush creep up your cheeks as you spoke.

Two hours later you were a little over halfway done with building the Death Star, and fatigue was beginning to catch up with you after you neglected your sleep schedule and pulled three all-nighters in a row bingeing Netflix with Sam.

You let out a yawn as you flipped through the instructions pamphlet, stretching your arms up in the air.

"You tired?" Steve asked. You were too tired to respond, simply leaning into him and closing your eyes.

"You can take her to the guest room. Straight down the hall, then turn right," Peter said as he noticed you'd now fallen asleep on him. "We can continue this after dinner."

Steve scooped you up into his strong arms and carried you down the hall, pushing the door to the guest room open with one hand before carefully setting you down on the bed, tucking you in.

"Sleep tight," he whispered, a ghost of a smile on his face as he leaned down to kiss your forehead and left.

"Ahem. Now that she's gone," Ned cleared his throat, "time to plan on how we're supposed to get our OTP together!"

"Ned, really-"

"You should ask her out, Cap. I see the way you look at her," Peter raised an eyebrow at him, "I mean, it's clear to everyone how you feel about her, and the way she feels about you. Sam sees it, Mr. Stark sees it, heck, I think May has her suspicions as well because she wouldn't stop talking about how great of a couple you two would be over dinner last night-"

"Look, Peter, I don't think she's ready for a relationship."

"Why not?"

"She just broke up with her boyfriend two months ago. I doubt she'd be willing to date again."

"But you're her best friend! You're literally the perfect man for her!"

"It doesn't matter. I'm not taking advantage of someone when they're vulnerable. That isn't right."

He scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest and kicking his feet up against the coffee table, tossing a spare Lego piece up and down in one hand. "Yeah, I totally believe the great Captain America isn't in love with the great Y/N."

"She's my friend. A teammate."

"Friends with benefits!" Ned chimed in. Steve made a face at this. "No, not like that. I mean that as in, you guys do all the things that regular couples do, except you're not officially a couple. And I think that's big enough of an indication that you should get together for real."

"I'm just waiting for the right time."

"AHA!" both boys shouted. "So you are in love with her!"

"Keep it down!" he scolded. "She's asleep!"

"You didn't deny it this time..."

"Fine, whatever. What do you guys want for dinner? I'll go pick it up."

"Pizza."

"If Y/N asks where I am, just tell her I went to go get the food."

"Okay."

As soon as the door shut behind Steve, Peter and Ned's heads immediately whipped over and they faced each other, exchanging evil grins.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Ned practically squealed.

"Yeah, I'm thinking what you're thinking!"

"Romantic dinner and movie night setup!" both boys whooped and hollered.

"I'll light the candles and get the napkins. May always keeps a stock of scented ones when Y/N comes over because she loves the smell of cherry blossoms."

"...I'll grab the rose petals and tablecloth."

"Rose petals?"

"Mind if I tear apart the flower on your desk?"

"Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Also, the regular tall candles are in the cabinet below the sink in the bathroom."

"Yessir."

Twenty minutes later, Steve came back with the pizza in hand, setting the keys on the counter and closing the door, stopping dead in his tracks as he observed the scene before him.

"What is going on?"

"We set up a date night for you two because we know you've been working hard this past week and deserved to relax," Peter explained happily. "So, here you go!"

"Peter," Steve sighed, rubbing his forehead, "I appreciate your effort, but Y/N isn't ready for a relationship and neither one of us has feelings for the other."

"But you guys deserve a break! After working nonstop you should at least rest or something."

"Alright, alright. I'll go get Y/N. You guys set the pizza on the plates for everyone, okay?"

"Got it."

You yawned and rubbed your eyes, then stretched your arms up into the air, skidding to a halt as you observed the sight before you.

“Wh...what’s going on?”

Peter and Ned grinned from where they sat on the couch, paper plates on their laps. “We thought you deserved a nice break, so we set up a little something for you guys!”

“A romantic dinner? Why...”

"It looks pretty and gives off a relaxing mood. Why else?” Peter laughed nervously. “Now eat!”

“Okay...” you started growing suspicious, but didn’t question it, “alright, then.”

You fell into an awkward silence after that, aside from the occasional sound of silverware clinking against plates and drink glasses being set back down on the table. The atmosphere felt heavier than before and you couldn’t help but wonder what it was. 

“So, uh...how have you been holding up?” Steve asked you tentatively. He knew the topic of your ex-boyfriend was still that of a rather sensitive one - you’d come storming through the elevator doors and gulped down half a bottle of vodka (you never drank, so this had everyone genuinely worried), before heading upstairs and taking a forty-five minute shower, then afterwards, proceeded to lock yourself in your room for the rest of the afternoon. 

When you wouldn’t come down for dinner, he had to carry up your food to you and when you refused to eat, he was the one to force-feed you. When you suddenly broke down sobbing when he asked you if you were alright, he was the one who held you in your arms. He was the one who got you out of bed to bring you downstairs for some fresh air and to interact with the others, and not once during the time he was having to take care of you for, did he question any of your behavior. You were hurting and that was all that mattered. If you were hurting, he was hurting, too.

“It’s been a rough eight weeks...” you sighed, rubbing your forehead with one hand as you took a sip of wine. “Could be better, but...I’m alright. I just wish I could’ve seen that coming from the moment I went on that blind date with him.”

“What do you mean?” Steve was confused - you’d never mentioned any details of your relationship, you were a very private person, for that matter. You rarely ever opened up to anyone. “I thought you were...”

“Happy? Hell no, I don’t even know why I stayed,” you scoffed as you took another swing of your drink. “It was so easy to fall into a routine. There was this gaping hole in my heart, and...I needed it to be filled somehow. Then Agent Williams comes along, a seemingly perfect new SHIELD recruit, almost everything a girl could possibly want in a man standing right in front of me...how could I not fall for his façade? I didn’t realize it was doomed from the start until about a week into the relationship...but I held my tongue. I knew if I dared to speak up against him, he’d somehow manage to use my words against me, twist everything I said into a whole new lie...he manipulated me, day after day...yet I still didn’t leave because I genuinely believed he’d change. 

“But I was wrong. I was naïve, I stayed because I was so desperate to experience true happiness that I went as far as to stay with someone I knew would do a number on my mental health in the long run. I shouldn’t have been surprised when I walked into HQs one day to drop stuff of for Coulson, to see Williams on top of someone else...in the gym. In the gym...of all places. I only didn’t blast him because I didn’t want to destroy Fury’s property. So I slapped him and left. That’s it. This whole...fling, or whatever the hell you want to call this shitty relationship, lasted only twenty-six days before everything fell apart. God, I’m so stupid - I should’ve known. I was so stupid, I’m such a horrible person for doing what-”

Steve felt his blood boil with anger. Williams had cheated on you - that’s why you’d broken up. All this time he’d been thinking that you simply fell out of love, or maybe ended it on friendlier terms - when in fact, it was anything but.

Nobody deserved to be treated this way, especially you. I could treat you much better, he thought to himself.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he said softly, reaching a hand up to wipe the stray tears that fell from your eyes. Instead of letting his hand fall back at his side right away, he let it linger there for a moment, gently stroking your cheekbone with his thumb. The feeling sent electricity up his fingers. “It’s not your fault. You’re not a bad person...he is.”

“Shit, I think our plan’s backfiring,” Peter hissed into Ned’s ear as they watched the scene unfold from the couch. “What the fuck, Ned!”

“Shh! Hold on, they’re having a really deep conversation. Let them be for a second.”

“I was stupid enough to stay, when he was giving off all the wrong signs...I should’ve listened to Tony and Nat. They knew. They knew from the moment we first got together, but I didn’t listen...”

“It’s okay. You didn’t know any better,” he reassured you, absentmindedly taking your hand in his and rubbing circles across your palm, “you just wanted to be happy. To experience that feeling that came along with being in a relationship. Frankly, I think I would’ve done the same thing.”

“And what makes me feel even worse,” your voice caught in your throat as you spoke, “...were my true intentions of staying. I wanted to be happy, I really did. But I realized I’d never achieve that with someone like him...in a way, I was using him too, I guess. Not for my personal gain or anything, not to boost my social status, like he did...he always made a point of walking around and declaring that he had an Avenger girlfriend. But...”

“But what?”

“I knew if I was in a relationship with someone, that’d prevent me from thinking about being with anyone else. Well...that plan failed...horribly.”

“...What are you saying?”

“Of course, I didn’t figure that out until not long ago...but yeah. The heart wants what it wants...and it didn’t want him.”

“Then who was it?”

Your gaze flickered down to your now-intertwined fingers. You hesitated for a moment before speaking again. “...I think you know who it is, Steve.”

“See!” Ned kicked Peter in the shin as he was in the middle of finishing off his second slice, and he winced. “It’s getting saucy!”

“Ow!” 

“I think we both know,” Steve murmured. 

You let out a sound that was a cross between a laugh and a sob. “I don’t know why I tried pursuing a relationship that wouldn’t fulfill me in the long run. I should’ve known it was you all along, huh? You know me like the back of your hand. For Odin’s sake, you remembered every detail of my SHIELD file, my favorite color, my exact birth date, everything there is to know about me. It’s always been you-”

“...It broke my heart to see you with someone who wasn’t me,” he said quietly.

“Then why didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn’t want you to feel like I was meddling in your love life. I know you hate it when people do that.”

“Steve-”

“I knew you weren’t as happy as you let on. I shouldn’t have stayed silent...I should’ve at least said something. I was terrified to speak up, thinking that you wouldn’t reciprocate my feelings-”

“You...you what?”

“Yeah,” he chuckled lightly, “I’m in love with you.”

Peter let out a squeak. Ned chucked a pillow at him, a giddy look on his face.

“Good news,” you laughed, “because I’m in love with you too.”

“FINALLY!” Ned whooped, unable to contain his excitement for any longer. He and Peter exchanged a fist-bump. “FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY! I can’t believe our ship finally sailed! Though I gotta be honest, I had no idea pizza could bring out people’s true feelings like that.”

“We’re geniuses!” Peter squealed, pulling out his phone.. “Oh, wait until Mr. Stark hears about this!”

Your eyes widened in realization. “Peter, don’t you dare c-”

Too late. A buzzing sound came from your phone, alerting you of a new notification, and you unlocked it to see a text from your father. 

Mr. Stank😡: Took you long enough, honey. I expect a grandchild soon.

Mr. Stank😡: But I’m gonna be honest, I wouldn’t want any other man for you than Capsicle himself.

You let out a loud groan, shoving your phone back into your purse. “Oh, come on.”

A buzzing sound came from Steve’s phone as well, and he took it out of his pocket to take a look. 

Stark: You better not knock her up until after you get married and then leave. I learned that lesson too late. I’m being serious when I’m telling you to treat her right - she hasn’t been the same since her mother walked out all those years ago. You make her happy, though, so I won’t try to intervene.

Stark: But if you hurt her in any way, I’ll break your face. Capiche?

Steve: ...Capiche.

“Ooh! I just got a promotion for telling him about you guys!” Peter clasped his hands together. “I’m joining you on your next group mission!”

“That’s great, Peter!” you congratulated, “but...why would he give you a promotion for...this?”

“Because he’s been waiting for this to happen for the longest time! Oh and also, your food’s getting cold.”

“We could just reheat it. Or...if you guys are still hungry, do you want to go to Olive Garden?” Steve looked over at the two teenage boys. 

“YES.”

“Y/N, what about you?”

“It’s a date,” you winked. You let out a small laugh upon seeing his cheeks flush red.

[lewis-winters]

(gif by @lyselkatzfandomluvs)

oh? me? writing about single dad!lewis who is a disaster human being but a good dad to a precocious little girl named Bea who adores him but at the same time thinks her daddy is the silliest person to ever exist?

you bet your ASS i am.

anyway, here have this headcanon list:

Bea is Lew's little girl from a one night stand. her mom didn't want to abort, but she didn't want to keep her, either. Lew considered putting her up for adoption, but the second the doctors let him hold her he knew that that just wasn't an option.

at that point, Lew never really knew what love was. not really. but looking down at that lil bundle in his arms that resembled more a bean than human, he decided then and there that that is exactly what true love feels like.

Bea is AMAB and has always known she was a girl. Lew always indulged her, especially when she finally learned how to talk and walk and have opinions. if Bea said she wanted to wear a dress or play with dolls or grow out her hair, he'd let her and he'd sass down anybody that let her feel like she couldn't. bc of that, Bea never thought that she was anything but a girl for ages.

i mean, the only thing she truly hated was her name. bc it was a boy's name and was therefore very ugly.

when she was four, she told Lew and everybody that would listen that she wanted to be called Beatrix-with-an-X instead of the name they gave her. she heard it on tv one day and loved it so much, she just decided to use it and that was that.

I wouldn't say Lew didn't have his moments of crisis over it-- he had a whole paradigm shift, and he definitely had to read up some stuff and talk to people, but he never let Bea know it. that's his baby girl. and he loves her. he'd never forgive himself if he'd ever let her feel otherwise.

he calls her BumbleBea on a regular basis, but in his head and when referring to her to anybody else, he calls her Little Miss Nixon

occassionally Little Miss Hypochondriac if she's being particularly fussy that day

bc Bea is VERY fussy

she's under the belief that her daddy doesn't take care of himself very much. she is right. Lew does not like to admit it.

she prepares his vitamins and reminds him to drink water and eat his veggies

they take care of each other a lot

Lew makes sure Bea does her homework and is polite and gets dressed real nice and is making the right friends

Bea makes sure Lew remembers to brush his teeth or eat breakfast or drink water or dress up warm during the winter

their little mantra in the morning is--

Lew: Be good, but if you need to be bad--

Bea: Don't get caught!

Bea also understands sarcasm a bit too well for a baby child

Lew says it's the natural Nixon gene. Blanche says it's bc Bea spends way too much time with Lew.

Bea calls Lew two things: Daddy, on the regular, and Dada when she wants to be cuddled or carried or held or comforted

Lew has NO idea why she does, but every time he hears her call him Dada while holding out her arms in a silent request to be picked up, he melts into a puddle

George, Lew's old college buddy and Bea's godfather, and Blanche are her regular babysitters. she loves them both so much but she definitely loves Blanche more because when she's with Aunt Blanche she gets presents

George treats her like a mini adult, which just kinda reinforces why she's so fluent in sarcasm to begin with or why she's half as mischievous as she is.

Bea is a morning person. Lew is a night owl. when Bea was a baby, this was definitely a problem, bc she'd have Lew running to her side at 3 am, so much so that he just moved her bassinet to his room and then just little by little let her migrate to his bed and let her serve as his alarm clock.

but when she started to walk and talk and become big enough to do things on her own, they've come up with a system where she'd get up, try her best to make Lew coffee, then wake him up with kisses

the coffee is never good but Lew swallows it down anyway

Lew is very good at braiding hair for some reason

Bea always did say that her Daddy is fit to be a stay at home husband bc he keeps track of their household stuff better than his at work stuff

Lew doesnt work at the plant-- Stanhope didn't like the name Beatrix, let's just say. Lewis told him to go fuck himself. thankfully before doing that, he saved enough money to sustain him and Bea until he could find a job. also, he has a group of very good friends and an amazing sister who stuck by him and Bea, so really, leaving Nixon behind to get a fresh new start in New York with his baby girl was the best decision he has ever made

(Lew always says Bea saved him somehow-- taking care of another human being helped him learn, little by little, how to take care of himself. how to function. he wants to be a better man for Bea, wants to be able to be somebody she's proud of. and by wanting that and doing everything to be that, he's managed to heal himself. day by day. it hasn't been easy. but it has been worth it.)

(he still drinks, though. but never in front of Bea. and never more than a glass. he can't afford to go down that road right now. not with Bea.)

Bea meets Dick first. she's seven years old in a brand new school being run by her dad's college friend and her godmother, Kitty and Dick, fresh from his last tour in Iraq, is there to visit Kitty's boyfriend and fellow teacher, Harry, who is his old college buddy.

Bea likes Mr Winters very much and talks about him to Lew when she gets home

Dick, of course, is easily charmed by this precocious lil girl with an inquisitive nature and an oddly dry sense of humor. He's planning on getting a job in the school's administrative branch so he's there quite a lot. Bea always stops to talk to him, and he never fails to humor her. He rather enjoys her company.

Lew, otoh, is getting very jealous

all Bea can talk about is Mr Winters said this and Mr Winter said that and ooohhh did you know Mr Winters was a soldier? that's pretty cool

Lew has a 9-5 desk job. Bea doesn't think that's very cool.

bc of this, Lew does not like this Mr Winters on principle

All of Bea's godparents (George, Kitty, Lip, and Ron) and her Aunt Blanche think this is hilarious

Everytime Lew sees them, he grumbles about Mr Winters. This, of course, drives Kitty to find a way to introduce them.

so, during during the Parent Teacher Conference, Lew meets Dick. and he finds he does like Mr Winters after all. he likes Mr Winters a lot.

Dick, otoh, sees Bea light up and run into Lew's open arms, giggling when Lew peppers her face with kisses and raspberries, and immediately knows he is very much In Trouble.

Bea, being perceptive as she is, picks up on their mutual crushes on each other and thinks they're meant to be (she's right, of course) and immediately starts trying to push them together.

Bea: Mr Winters, do you like bad boys?

Dick, who most definitely has always had a thing for dark haired, rakish characters with hearts of gold and is also blushing very hard: Uh... sure I do

Bea: Great. Because my daddy is bad at everything.

it becomes Bea's mission to get her daddy and Mr Winters together

she doesn't have a plan for it. she just waits to throw them at each other at every opportunity until something happens.

she's very determined. Lew would stop and admire her ambition if only he wasn't busy fumbling into this new relationship with Dick while also doing his best to be a good dad.

and it's all very cute and fluffy and nothing bad ever happens ever bc this is my au, gdi, and i'm allowed to be as indulgent as i want, thank you.