#like i can defend myself if she ever decided to act out; but we're both adults now and it's different.

[niicevibe]

ah, i wrote a lot, whoops.

My husband and I developed a theory so please play along and tell me where you are in birth order (oldest, middle, youngest, only) and if you think having siblings is overall a positive or negative thing.

[yurtletheturtlehenderson]

COSMIC - S1:E5; Chapter Five, The Flea and The Acrobat - [Pt. 4 - FINAL]

A Will Byers x Male!Reader Series

𝘏𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘴 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘢𝘣 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘺 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘴 𝘔𝘳. 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘭 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘥𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯.

|| 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫'𝐬 𝐏𝐎𝐕 ||

With Dustin in the lead, we found ourselves stopped atop a hill, at what I assume is a scrapyard. Old vehicles like abandoned cars and buses scattered around the area.

Dustin came to a stop and looked around.

"Oh, no." He muttered.

"'Oh, no'? What's, 'Oh, no'?" Lucas asked in a panicked tone.

Dustin turned around to look at us.

"We're headed back home."

"What?" Even Mike seemed to be frustrated.

"Dustin, are you sure?" I ask, irritation and exhaustion creeping up on me.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Setting sun, right there." He pointed past us in the direction of the sky. "We looped right back around."

I sighed, shifting on my feet as I run a hand down my face.

"And you're just realizing this now?" Lucas snapped.

"Why is this all on me?"

"Because you're the compass genius!"

"What do yours say?"

We all checked our compasses, mine was wobbly but nevertheless, pointing North.

Lucas, Mike and I all spoke at once.

"North."

We all sighed, and Dustin began slowly pacing, looking off into the distance deep in thought.

"Makes no damn sense."

"Maybe the gate moved," Mike offered.

"No, I don't think it's the gate." Dustin began looking all around us. "I think it's something else screwing with the compasses."

"Maybe it's something here?"

As Mike spoke, I didn't fail to notice the look that crossed Lucas's face as he slowly turned to face El.

"No, it has to be like a super magnet." Dustin replied.

Lucas rose his hand and began pointing at El accusingly. "It's not a magnet. She's been acting weirder than normal. If she can slam doors with her mind, she can definitely screw up a compass."

El stood rooted in place, a look of guilt and fear in her eyes.

"Why would she do that?" Mike snapped.

"Because she's trying to sabotage our mission. Because she's a traitor!"

As much as I hated to admit it to myself, it was the only logical explanation we had. It could be all too easy for her to screw with our compasses after what she showed herself capable of.

I shook my head, ridding myself of the conclusions my brain wanted to jump to.

"Lucas, come on. Think about what you're saying. Why would-" I rested a gentle hand on Lucas's shoulder to try and calm him down, only for him to rip his arm from my touch.

"Enough, Y/n! I'm so sick of you defending her! You of all people should be more worried for Will."

"I am!" I snapped, feeling the anger, fear and confusion of all I've been carrying the past few days shoot up to the surface unexpectedly.

I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself. "Just... Please. Hear her out."

Lucas never met my eye and only stomped towards the poor girl intimidatingly.

"Lucas, what are you doing?" Mike asked, following behind Lucas worriedly.

"You did it, didn't you? You don't want us to reach the gate. You don't want us to find Will." Lucas was in her face by now, and it as if the poor girl was on the verge of tears.

Dustin and I were toe in toe with the others and I walked up to Lucas, ready in case he decided to something rash.

Mike seemed to have the same idea.

"Lucas, come on, seriously, just leave her alone!"

"Admit it." Lucas spit.

"No." El muttered.

"Admit it!" We all jumped when Lucas began screaming.

He grabbed her right arm and examined her sleeve. There was a streak of shiny dark crimson on her sleeve.

Lucas swatted away her arm in disgust and frustration at the sight.

"Fresh blood. I knew it."

Dustin and I watched speechless as the boys began fighting.

"Lucas, come on!"

"I saw her wiping her nose on the tracks! She was using her powers!"

"Bull! That's old blood. Right, El?"

We all whipped our heads to El, waiting for her response.

At this point, she was fighting back tears, and her breath hitched.

"Right, El?" Mike asked again, less confident.

She began sobbing as she choked out her words.

"It's... not... it's not safe."

My stomach plunged as Dustin and I shared a look of worry and shock.

�� ⊹ ⊹

"What did I tell you? She's been playing us from the beginning!"

Lucas and Mike seemed to be having it out now and they wouldn't stop despite the many protests from either Dustin or I. My body seemed to have shut down, staring helplessly as my two best friends fight, at a complete loss for words from shock and knowing my words will make no difference.

"That's not true. She helped us find Will!"

"Find Will? Find Will? Where is he, then? Huh? I don't see him."

"Yeah, you know what I mean,"

"No, I actually don't. Just think about it, Mike. She could have just told us where the Upside Down was right away, but she didn't. She just made us run around like headless chickens."

With every word my body was feeling more and more on edge, my anxiety set in as I felt uncomfortable in my own skin at my friend's tearing each other apart. I started shifting back and forth, my hands rubbing the back of my neck.

Either Dustin noticed this, or he was sick of the fighting as well - or both for that matter - he stomped towards the boys and intervened.

"All right, calm down!"

"No! She used us, all of us! She helped just enough so she could get what she wants. Food and a bed. She's like a stray dog."

"Screw you, Lucas!"

"No! Screw you, Mike. You're blind... blind because you like that a girl's not grossed out by you. But wake up, man! Wake the hell up! She knows where Will is, and now she's just letting him die in the Upside Down."

"Shut up!"

"For all we know, it's her fault."

"Shut up."

"We're looking for some stupid monster... but did you ever stop to think that maybe she's the monster?"

'I don't want to believe it. I don't want to believe that El is the monster. I don't want my best friend to be missing, I don't want my friends to fight all the time. But at the same time, I can't afford to dismiss the possibility that maybe Lucas had a point. Not about her being a monster. No, that I refuse to believe, but her having something to do with everything that's been going on.'

What came next was a blur.

Mike couldn't take it anymore and lunged at Lucas, the boys toppled to the ground and began wrestling in the dirt. Dustin, El and I screaming at the top of our lungs for them to stop.

I looked to Dustin and El and back at the fighting boys. I ran to them attempting to pry Lucas off of Mike in a panic, knowing there was a big chance I'd get hit. But I didn't care and I couldn't stand by and do nothing.

"Enough! Please, stop! Just-"

I closed my eyes as I saw the blur of Lucas's hand strike me accidentally as he swung his arm back, ready to punch Mike. I felt the back of his fist collide with my nose and I fell back with a painful yelp.

I heard a shrill shriek and opened my eyes in time to see Lucas fly backward in the air about five feet and slide into an abandoned car door, lying unconscious.

I looked to Lucas in horror and ran to him, not caring about my gushing nose.

I dive in front of Lucas, trying to shake him awake.

The boys were right behind me.

"Lucas! Lucas, wake up! Lucas."

Nothing. I checked his head for injuries, my hand never leaving him as I look over my shoulder at El, horrified.

"What did you do?"

El stood rooted to the ground, sobs wracking her body as blood dripped down her nose. I could tell the guilty look in her eyes was genuine but I didn't have time to feel bad for her right now.

Lucas was my main priority. I turned my attention back to my friend.

Dustin and Mike were just as panicked as I was.

"Come on, wake up. Come on!" Dustin yelled.

"Come on, man. Lucas?" Mike muttered worriedly.

"Lucas? Lucas, come on!" I sniffled, weakly shaking him.

To my tremendous relief, Lucas slowly came to with a groan and his eyes fluttered open.

The three of us chuckled and laughed in relief. The weight in my lungs and heart were lifted at the sight

"Lucas." Mike let out in a shaky breath.

Lucas slowly sat up and blinked a few times, processing what just happened.

"Lucas, you okay?" Mike asked.

There was no response from our friend.

Dustin spoke up shakily as he held up three fingers.

"Lucas... Lucas, how many fingers am I holding up? Lucas, how many fingers?"

Mike began reaching forward towards Lucas's head, already one step ahead of me.

"Let me see your head." He offered gently, he was cut short went Lucas angrily shoved Mike's hand away.

"Get off of me!" He grunted, struggling to stand up.

"Lucas, come on, you could be hurt. Let us help." I try, my voice soft reaching for his shoulder.

He pushed my arm away in anger as he stood up, storming past me.

"I said, get off of me!" I detected a hint of fear in his voice this time and less anger, making me more sympathetic than angry at him.

Mike began to chase after him but Dustin and I seem to have the same thought as we both caught each of his arms

"Let him go."

I watched sorrowfully as my friend left without us.

"Man, let him go."

We all shared a somber silence when suddenly Mike spoke up.

"Where is El?"

I looked to where she had been standing previously only to find no one else in sight.

Mike's breathing increased and he began shouting for her.

"El! El!"

"Eleven!" Dustin had joined in.

I stood frozen, my voice failing me. I looked around me as hopelessness sunk in and solidified into guilt. The icy wind whipped my collar as the desperate voices of my friends was lost to the wind.

She was gone.

[youuuimeanmee]

Eren Meta From 139

Many people believe chapter 139 butchered Eren's character because of this scene.

Because out of nowhere, Eren's motivation is to reach Mikasa's choice to satisfy Ymir's wish; thus, everything he said from the beginning about his motivation is all lies or meaningless.

No. And I'm no writing this to justify or condemn him. This post is more for myself, because I'm trying to understand his character.

Now let's see at his words. "All of it, was to arrive at that result. That's why I moved forward." What does he mean by it? Which actions?

This.

All the events, starting from ch 123-139, are going according to Ymir's wish.

Right after Eren told her to decide for herself.

She wants to end the world, at least 80% of it. She wants to push Eren's friends to stop him, even if they have to betray their nation. The Battle of Heaven and Earth, all of the clusterfucks in chapter 135-138 happens because it's Ymir's will to push Mikasa to make a choice. She chooses to end the titan curse after she gets to see what she wants.

Ymir did all of this, she watched all the events that unfold because Eren released her.

Then, what about Eren's will?

This is why I'm okay with the idea of Eren following Ymir; Eren doesn't have a reason to reject Ymir's wish because he got what he wants. He got the future he saw on the medal ceremony, the eradication of titans. He got the "freedom" to flatten the earth, and if his gamble paid off, he'd get his friends' safety; because they will become the world's savior after they stop him. It's a win-win situation, thus, putting him in a position where he becomes Ymir's ally and stands by her side.

The reason why Ymir chose Mikasa is not clear, but Eren had a hunch and it's something he could relate to; another reason for him to not object to Ymir's wish. It has something to do with that day when Mikasa practically confessed her love for him, the day where he could use the Founder's power for the first time. I leave this scene up to your interpretation.

What about Eren's will from before 123? What did he try so hard to achieve?

This scenery. Aside from the eradication of titans.

Here's the thing. Doesn't matter if fate favors you or not, you have to work hard to get what you want. To work hard, you need to know the reason. I take Isayama's artistic choice that the future memories he saw are fragments without context; he doesn't know why it happens the way it would. So, even if he saw the scenery, even if he saw the eradication of titans, why he has to go to hell first? Why he has to go through all of the suffering? Why he has to keep moving forward? He doesn't have to; but the world, destiny or whatever keeps feeding him reasons to move forward, until he reached a conclusion that the titan world is fucked up system and has been going for far too long. For Eren, this needs to end, and he wants to reach that scenery no matter what.

This is the man who saw how unforgiving the outside world is. The fact that a little girl got eaten by dogs just because she's an Eldia is proof that a subject of Ymir can never gain freedom, can never gain the privilege of human rights the way a normal human does. (I suggest you to read Gross' monologue from ch 87). The man saw how the world keeps pushing Paradis to be the source of evil without listening to what the other parties have to say. The man is manipulated to euthanize his own people as if Eldia doesn't deserve to be born. He saw the fucked up history of titans from 2000 years ago. He was so disappointed the world is not like in Armin's book, it's not like his ideal world. So he wants to wipe it away. He wants to bury the history and the civilization that created it, deep to the ground. He wants to destroy every last one of those animals, that's on this earth; titans or humans alike. He wants to leave the surface a blank plain. This is his ideal world, his freedom.

Eren said it himself. Even if he didn't know that his friends would stop him; even if it's not Ymir's will, he'd still trample the earth. To me, the reason why Eren commit genocide, the reason he said to Armin is no different than the reason he said to Zeke.

It's just the way he is ever since he was born.

A freedom seeker.

The wording is different with the receiver. With Zeke, it's different, because he's trying to make a point that this is who he is. But with Armin? He is going to die, with his best friend as his judge. He knew exactly why he wanted it: because he is free, ever since he was born. But somehow he couldn't say it outright with confidence. Maybe he's afraid to be judged as a monster by the person closest to him, or maybe he started to question his definition of freedom. Because to me, his eyes look like wonders.

Now. What is freedom? Many people believe that any acts out of violence is not freedom. But to Eren, that is freedom, his freedom. There's a meta that perfectly explains Eren's version of freedom, up until he did the rumbling. This is my highlight from that meta:

So freedom is the power of the individual to do as one wants. When you do something, you are imposing your internal desires onto the external world. If freedom is thus the power to impose your individual Will onto the outside world, then whoever has more power has more freedom.

This concept was highlighted when he told his friends in Paths that he's free to destroy the world and they're free to defend it; meaning that they're bound to clash, and they have to fight.

Freedom is not good. Nor is it bad. It is a force beyond good and evil, and that is precisely why it is terrifying. This, I believe, is why so many baulk at the idea that such a ruthless manipulator could be the avatar of freedom in this story. What I have always loved about SNK is how it delves ever deeper into its themes as the story goes on and discovers such fundamental paradoxes that your understanding of the idea is changed forever. If this is the horrifying face of freedom, perhaps we should not be free.

I don't know how much Isayama's involvement in this, but Grisha's commentary from the Lost Girls captures this concept perfectly.

For Eren, that "great power" is his own concept of freedom: A world without oppression. Doing what you want to do. He's free to protect his homeland by whatever necessary, whatever cost, and leave the rest of the world as an open plain.

Usually, the more we're obsessed with something, the more we stray from our humanity. After witnessing firsthand the vision-he-so-called-freedom, he doesn't know how to feel. He gets what he wants, but he's not happy at all, only the hollow scenery remains.

Eren realized how messed up he is, even before he did this. He tried to reach out to Mikasa that night after he saved Ramzi, to save his humanity left. It's one of the reasons why he asked her, "what is he to her?" Surely if he was loved –even after he killed those men when he saved her that day– would mean he's still human, right? And by running away with her, he could live in peace, maybe he could free himself from his obsession. But he's doing it so half-heartedly, that when everyone interrupted them, he just... let it go. He didn't bother to sneak with her or anything. He couldn't let go of the future he saw, he's losing himself to his desire/inner demon, to his obsession of freedom. Or maybe he's winning over his pathetic self so he could focus on what he needs to do? One could interpret this scene as Eren trying to break free from his obsession for "freedom." One could interpret this scene as Eren trying to break free from the shackles of his conscience. It's up to you.

Eren's outburst over Mikasa in this chapter is his pent-up feeling over her. It is, but after I write this meta, maybe it's more than that. It's because she's the proof of his humanity left. Many, many times, Mikasa is there to stop him from ruining himself. Mikasa's love creates a subconscious understanding that she will always be there for him. That's a part of her that he loves, and by feeling love, it means his humanity still exists. If Mikasa chooses to move on with another man, it means she will forget all the times they had together, she will forget the most human side of him. The only person who loves him as who he is, his home, would be lost. He would be lost. That idea scares him, even though he knows he doesn't deserve her love after everything he has done.

One more thing; another reason why Eren doesn't mind to be stopped, aside from Ymir's wish will get him what he wants –as I already explained. People argue that the conflict won't end until Paradis or the rest of the world remains; thus, Eren's half-hearted genocide is meaningless. No. No matter how angry he is that he wants to eradicate everything, he has enough maturity to understand, even back from the Battle of Trost, that humanity is far from united even if they're faced against a threat beyond human understanding. During the after-party night before the Battle of Shiganshina, he accepts that great power comes from joining ourselves together. We all need to find our own roles. Humans are created differently, because of times like this. By sparing the rest of the world, it keeps both Paradis and the world from collapsing. By keeping the diversity of people, someday it will open a path for peace because it's a part of human nature to try to understand each other; he learned it from the SC. Eren believes Armin could take him there, after he died. Maybe he forgot all of that because he's too caught up in his hate and anger up until 122, the same way he forgot back in the days.

Even if it's not explicitly explained in this chapter, I'd like to think that Eren got plenty of time to reflect on this matter when he did the Rumbling, to fill the emptiness he felt after he reached what he wants wanted.

Eren wins in the end, but at what cost? This chapter is calling out his tyrannical mindset, and it's great to see him realized his error, even if it's too late for him to go back.

Maybe this is what Isayama decided to focus on the last chapter, even if it's rushed. Maybe he (or his editor, idk) wanted the ending to focus on the protagonist's story about humans vs titans. The way Eren is so determined to wipe it out from this world, no matter how messed up his method, no matter how much he suffers, it doesn't matter if it's predestined or not. Because "freedom" is what he seeks ever since he was born. Because Eldia, every person deserves to be born in this world. Yes, every person, including everyone he killed. He knew the gravity of his action and choose to accept his death. Maybe it's the reason why Isayama doesn't delve into the aftermath of genocide further.

He wants the ending to be about Eren Yeager, The Attack Titan's journey about Attack. On. Titan.

[jjmaybanksblog]

Good Old Days - JJ Maybank

Gif credit @toesure !

Summary: you and JJ meet once again after a harsh break up.

Word count: 1,982

Warnings: cheating, angst underage drinking, implied sex at the end. I do NOT condone the action of going back to someone who cheated.

You sat alone in a booth at a local restaurant, diagonal from where your friend Nicole sat with an unfamiliar boy. You had offered to 'be a look out' for the girl when she brought up how her friends had helped her get a blind date. Nicole had the fear that she might embarrass herself or something might go south, so you decided to lend a helping hand to calm her down.

You subtly flicked your eyes up and down from the menu to your friend as a waitress came up to you. "What can I get you hun?" 

"Just a vanilla milkshake and fries please." The lady nodded and took the menu from your hands. You reached inside of your bag and pulled out your notebook. Finding a pen, you began to mindlessly draw little doodles of whatever came to mind. 

You were actually enjoying the peace and quiet until the front door bell chimed. Before you could react, JJ Maybank took the spot right across from you. "Can I help you?" You scoffed, closing the notebook. 

"Nope. I'm helping my friend out and it looks like you happen to be doing the same thing for your friend too." JJ said, looking behind his shoulder to see his friend give him a thumbs up. You rolled her eyes, defensively crossing your arms.

"Okay, well how about you move to the other booth where you can 'help' by yourself." JJ dramatically put his hand to his heart, "does Y/F/N Y/L/N not want to spend time with me?" "The last time I was near you it didn't end well." You hissed. JJ immediately got quiet as the waitress came up to deliver your order.

"Oh! Would you like anything dear? On the house for the couple!" The waitress smiled, "oh no we're not-" "actually I would love a hamburger and a chocolate milkshake please!" JJ grinned. "Coming right up." 

"Seriously JJ why can't you just sit somewhere else?" You asked as you dipped a fry into the milkshake. JJ furrowed his eyebrows as he watched you take a bite. "What? It's good." You defended.

"See I could, but Steve made me promise to help him out. And now I get to talk to you which is exactly what I want to be doing on my Friday night." Sarcasm dropped from his voice as you bite your tongue.

"Well you can leave. You never were good at keeping promises anyway." You seethed, taking the cherry out of the milkshake and popping into your mouth. JJ became quiet once more as the sudden flashback hit him.

Flashback:

2 years. 2 years was all it took for something so positive and bright, to turn into something dead. 2 years was all it took for JJ Maybank to own, and then break your heart. 

You two had been dating for a full two years, both of you guys admitting you were in love. Making promises that you two couldn't keep. One of them being, 'I'll always love you.' 

JJ broke that the minute his lips touched some tourons at an end of the year school party. You had lost sight of your boyfriend in the middle of the party after telling him you were going to the bathroom. It took you 10 minutes to find him with the unknown girl. 

"Have you seen- oh." Your words slipped your mind as you saw a boy and girl break away from a kiss. Only to reveal that face that made your heart break. "I better... I better g-go." You stumbled over your words, your legs moving as fast as they could out of that house and far away from JJ.

You didn't know what to do, what to think, how to act, what to say, everything just became numb. Like someone had just ripped your heart from your chest, and dangled it in front of your face as if it were mocking you. So you just ran, and ran all the way to your house. Dried tears stained your face as you were panting, on the verge of passing out. 

Your mind felt fuzzy, as if it were an old TV and an antenna was knocked loose, like all you heard was static and a ringing. You shook your head frantically as you paced in the living room. A rapid knock echoed in the silent room as you let out a sob. You slowly walked to the door, your hand shaking as it hesitantly reached out.

You twisted the handle and pulled the door open to reveal a frantic JJ. "Y/N please let me-" "Don't even fucking start JJ." You said, cautiously backing away from the door. JJ walked into the house as he tried to grab hold of your wrists. 

You pulled your wrists back from JJ's grip as you began to have trouble breathing. "You fucking kissed some random girl. Who knows what the fuck would've happened if I didn't walk into that room." You mumbled to yourself as your head began to ache.

"Y/N you know I wouldn't do that!" "When you're in a relationship you don't fucking kiss somebody else! I didn't think you'd do that yet here we are!" You raised your voice as you paced again.

"Open your fucking eyes, it's so obvious I'm in love with you!" JJ yelled back, causing you to flinch, his breath smelled of alcohol. Your eyes suddenly fell to the ground, afraid to look at him without breaking down.

"You need to leave," your voice wavered, "you need to leave and not come back. You can't look at me. You can't speak my name. You can't have anything to do with me, Maybank. We're fucking done." You breathed out, feeling as though you had a boulder crushing your body.

"Y/N. I made you a promise that I'd love you, please let me keep going with that promise." JJ begged, his eyes burning harshly with tears. "You broke your promise, you can't come back from that."

JJ let out a sigh as his head slumped down, forcing his legs to walk out the front door, and out of your life.

Memory over.

"Look, this isn't a guilt trip: I just genuinely want to know if you dislike me so I can stop bothering you." JJ said, fidgeting with his fingers. You sighed as you swirled the straw around the milkshake. "I don't dislike you as a human, I fucking despise what you did to me." You admitted.

"I've changed Y/N. I haven't been with any other girl, I haven't spoken with that other girl since then. Please just give me a break. I've been busy trying so fucking hard. I'm doing the best I can. Please, please don't ask more of me." JJ frowned, his leg now anxiously tapping.

You let out a scoff, but you couldn't lie to yourself. You missed being with JJ, you missed him so damn much, but you didn't want to admit it. Your eyes flickered to your friend who was standing up and giving Steve a kiss on the cheek. 

Their date was over, but you and JJ sat firmly in the booth. "Let me just drive you home like the good days, just hear me out." JJ begged. You cracked your knuckles, a habit you gained after the break up. "Fine. But so help me Maybank if you fuck it up you will never, I repeat ever come speak to me again." JJ let out a breath of relief and thanked you.

You couldn't help but feel the tiniest bit of luck when he offered, glad that you chose to walk to the diner. You two sat in silence for a bit of the ride before JJ turned on the radio. 'Wonderwall' by Oasis played through the sound system, memories of this song hitting you in the face like a brick.

JJ began to obnoxiously shout the lyrics like he would when you guys went on drives together. He would roll the windows down, blast the volume and just let it all out.  At first you were annoyed with the boy, but as soon as he nudged you with his elbow you began shouting the lyrics as well. At that moment, things felt normal. Like nothing bad happened between them, and that scared you shitless.

When the song ended, JJ turned down the volume and began to speak, "you know, I never took your school photo out of my wallet. It's still there. And every night after... we broke up, I would just look at it and cry. Because I drank and I ended up losing the best thing I ever got in life. And believe me I know drinking is no excuse for what I did. I lost the one person that understood me more than my other friends, than myself. And I fucked it all up. And I know I can't take back what I did. Saying sorry won't change the hurt I made you feel. But I want you to know I'm truly trying my best to be a different person than who I was before." His voice was shaking as he found it hard to look at the road.

"I can try to forgive you Maybank, but that night has been burned into my memory. And it's gonna take a lot of time before I can forget it." You mumbled, looking out the window watching the trees zoom by.

"I'd wait 100 years if it meant that you would talk to me again." JJ muttered as he pulled into your driveway. "Do you.. want to come in? And like, catch up?" You wanted to punch yourself in the face for your offer, but again you couldn't deny how much you missed him.

JJ was shocked at your words, his mouth slightly open as he nodded his head. You walked into your house and to your luck, nobody was home.

You guys sat in your room, silence filling the air once again. You walked over to a picture frame on the desk and picked it up. The picture was of JJ after he had fallen asleep with his head in your llap. "Remember this night?" You asked as he looked over your shoulder.

"Yeah. I came over to make cupcakes for John B's birthday but we ended up just throwing flour and eggs at each other." JJ laughed loudly, remembering how he would find flour in his hair and ears for days after. "Then we sat on the couch and you laid your head in my lap. I played with your hair until you fell asleep and you snored so loud." You smiled at the memory.

"God I fucked up." He whispered. "Yeah. Yeah you did. When you sat across from me in the booth I wanted to flip my shit. I wanted to go off on you and say something like, 'oh fuck off you piece of shit. You think I care about you? That I give a damn about your feelings? Fuck off.' I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me." You confessed. 

"Damn Y/N. I- I don't even know what to say." JJ said as you faced him. You couldn't help but stare at his lips, the lips you craved so desperately. You hated yourself for this. You hated yourself for making this move, but you leaned in anyway and kissed him. You were taken back at your actions, but your knees nearly buckled at his touch.

JJ gently held the side of your face as he pulled back. "I don't want to hurt you." He said, his words echoing in your head. "I'm desperate. And I'm pretty sure you are too. This is a one time thing until you gain my trust back. But for now, just shut up and have sex with me."

[tc-doherty]

Yeah, I can definitely understand that!

I told this story before but my first experience with posting my work online (I was like 18 or 19, so I wasn't super young but still) was somebody who went through it basically paragraph by paragraph and ripped it apart and told me that I had no talent and nobody would ever want to read what I had to write and I would be doing the world a favor if I never wrote another word again yada yada yada. And I didn't get another review on the piece for three days afterwards

So I was understandably devastated. But having done my soul-searching, I decided that I was only writing for myself anyways so opinions of people like him didn't matter. Not that that was an easy conclusion to come through, it was a very bad three days and I cried just. So Much. (at that point somebody else reviewed it and I found out that this guy basically got his jollies by doing that to first time posters and it really had nothing to do with me or my work at all)

I had another shock of a different kind later on in college when something that I wrote for a class was so badly misunderstood by my classmates during our roundtable critiquing session that the TA literally had to join the conversation (for the first and only time) to defend my work because it was so obvious that they did not understand what I was talking about. And more recently I had somebody refer to my work as something along the lines of "written for children but good anyway" which. I'm glad you like it, but most of my work isn't even for children…?

It seems like overall you've had a lot rougher of a time than I have, perhaps that has to do with actually writing and submitting articles which opens you to a different kind of "institutionalized" critique and rudeness that primarily writing novels hasn't really gotten me. But I've certainly run my own gauntlet of criticism and misinterpretation. (I never will forget the guy who said he thought my main character was acting the way that she did because she knew that women were inherently inferior to men which was literally contrary to the entire point of the story LMAO) so in my own way I'm also prepared to see anything that I do taken wildly out of the context of where I was when I wrote it and even what it explicitly means.

But you're right, just like I was right back then too. We're both still here, we're both still writing, and all of those people – whether they meant well or otherwise – are wrong.

I just needed to reassess myself, I think, but your reply really did make me feel better! I hope that you never give up writing, and I wish you all the best with your work in the future!

Okay I think I really have Stupid Bitch Brain Disease(tm) in the way that like. I post writing in the way that a mother cat takes her kittens for a walk in the woods and then comes home without them

The more people know about any project that I'm working on, the less interested in it I am and the more exposure something I've done has, the less "mine" it is and the less attached I am to my own characters, even ones that I've had for really long time

I don't know if that's like. super compartmentalization or what.

Other people talk about or draw my characters (outside of like getting commissions or stuff from friends or whatever) and I'm just like "oh, the kids are going to college, see you never"

I found this very strange with Second Chances because for so long I was not even willing to let anybody look at it and the story was so personal to me, and now that I've been editing it with an intent to publish and have seen design sketches from the illustrator all of that is almost totally gone

It's still definitely a story that means a lot to me but my attitude towards it now that it has sort of made an entrance into the world is totally different almost overnight.

The relief that I feel with being "done" done with something, like finishing the final draft of Dragon's Choice is really like I'm shutting a door and never looking at it again, it's just not MINE anymore in some way that matters to how my mind categorizes things. Does that happen to anybody else?

[eryiss]

Fraxus Week 2020: Day 5 - Friends To Lovers

Summary: After a crappy post-college first year, Laxus jumped at the opportunity to leave town for a week for a road trip with his friends. He intended it just to be a week away with his friends, but when he meets an unfamiliar stranger, the vacation turns into something much more. [Fraxus Multichapter]

This is the fifth part of my Fraxus Week admissions, hosted by @fuckyeahfraxus​. This year I’ve made the prompts into a single multi-chapter fic. You can see all the chapters in the Masterpost linked below. Hope you enjoy.

You can read this on Fanfiction, Archive of our Own, and under the cut. Read the other chapters from this masterlist.

Chapter Five – Talks at The Canyon

"Okay, what is up with you two?"

Laxus looked towards Bickslow with a guilty expression. He had hoped that he'd hidden the awkwardness between Freed and himself better, but obviously he'd failed. In retrospect, Laxus probably should have been suspicious when Bickslow insisted that Freed be the one to fill the RV with gas this time, rather than doing it himself. Still, just because Bickslow knew about how awkward he was behaving, it didn't mean Laxus had to explain why.

"What d'you mean?" He asked, voice a little too timid for his liking.

"I mean you two slunk out of the motel room this morning and wouldn't even look at each other, and you've not spoken to each other all day," Bickslow listed off, and Laxus realised they really hadn't hidden their awkwardness well. "So what exactly happened?"

"It's nothing," Laxus insisted.

"Bull crap," Bickslow snapped. "Look, if you two had a fight or something you can't keep it a secret. Ever's gonna get it out of ya if I don't, so you might as well tell me now."

That was probably true, both of his friends were annoyingly talented at getting information out of someone when they needed to. But Laxus felt it was probably for the best that he kept the events of last night to himself, and accomplished that by looking straight ahead out of the front window in a childish attempt to bore Bickslow to a point where he would leave him alone. Bickslow raised both of his eyebrows in disbelief at Laxus' actions, waiting.

They both sat in silence for a few moments, and Laxus almost thought that he had won. Bickslow let out a huff of annoyance, and Laxus practically prayed that the man would leave him alone so that he wouldn't have to relive what he'd done.

"Laxus," Bickslow said in a slightly pleading voice; he too was being childish then. "We're gonna be at the canyon today. It's gonna be really awkward hiking around a big hole if you two are arguing. I can't even make big hole jokes because I'll be scared of making things worse somehow. Just tell me."

"It's…" Laxus thought for a moment. "I did something stupid."

There. That was something. Perhaps it would placate the man.

"Stupid how?"

"Just stupid," Laxus sighed, running a hand through his hair in frustration.

From the corner of his eye, Laxus could see that Bickslow was looking at him with more concern than interest now. Maybe it was best to tell him; the guy was pretty sympathetic when he wanted to be. Hell, the only reason they were on this road trip was because he wanted his friends to feel better. Maybe he could offer Laxus some advice.

"I kissed him last night," Laxus admitted with an exhale.

"Oh," Bickslow said, and he was clearly not expecting that. "And… he didn't kiss back. He pushed you off?"

"No, he kissed back," Laxus closed his eyes as he spoke.

"And that's bad because…"

"We got drunk, raided the mini-bar," Laxus confessed, and he saw Bickslow's brow furrow at the admission, but he didn't say anything. "We watched crap TV and then started talking. And he told me that his ex'd cheated on him, that's why they broke up, and that he's feeling crappy. And I was kinda buzzed, y'know, I kinda…"

"Kissed him?" Bickslow finished.

"Yeah, basically," Laxus sighed. "I mean I said some shit about how I would have treated him if I were him, and how he didn't deserve to get cheated on. Then I kissed him, and he kissed me back."

Bickslow seemed to be thinking, as his gaze went a little distant. This had always been something that Laxus had appreciated about the other man; even despite his hyper personality, he was actually quite a thoughtful person, and Laxus knew that he was thinking of the best thing to say. And any advice that he might have would probably be helpful, even if the feeling of waiting for him to say something was making Laxus feel sick.

"Right," Bickslow eventually said. "Well, kissing a guy while drunk isn't your best move, it's probably not your worst either. I mean if he kissed ya back then he's probably interested, and he's been stealing glances as much as you have. What happened after?"

"I pulled away, went back to my bed, turned my back on him and pretended I was asleep," Laxus muttered.

"Laxus," Bickslow snapped, and slapped his bicep.

"I ain't proud of it," Laxus tried to defend himself. "But it was just like, when I kissed him I got sober. Like someone poured cold water over me. And I realised that I barely know the guy, that he just got cheated on, and that the last thing he's gonna want is some random guy kissing him. and then being trapped with the same guy for days."

"You think maybe he might have had an opinion on that?" Bickslow asked incredulously.

"I panicked," Laxus groaned. "I was embarrassed. I felt like I took advantage of him or something. Shutting myself off seemed like the best thing to do."

"Well you're gonna have ta talk about it, baby," Bickslow said soothingly. "Because if you don't, you're gonna end up regretting it, and the rest of the trip is gonna be really fucking painful for us all. Especially the two of you."

"I know," Laxus sighed.

He glanced out of the window to see that Evergreen and Freed were talking outside, no doubt having a similar conversation, and Laxus deflated slightly. He would talk to the other man, because he really would regret it if he didn't. It had been quite some time since Laxus had felt like this with a man, and he knew better than to just throw the feeling away because of embarrassment, and that he shouldn't give up.

And when Freed happened to glance up, and they caught each other's eyes before both turning away, Laxus knew that he had to talk to him soon.

~~~

"It's erm," Bickslow began. "It's kinda breath-taking."

"It is," Evergreen said, and both Freed and Laxus nodded in agreement.

They had arrived at the Grand Canyon, and had been given the unhindered view of the landscape. They could see it all, and the cloudless blue sky only added to the majesty of the place. There was something oddly humbling about the view, as if it were putting everything into perspective for Laxus, and the blonde couldn't help but release that his embarrassment about the previous night was so utterly stupid that he physically cringed at himself.

He had turned his back on the man. Literally looked away from him because of his stupid decision to kiss him. He had acted like a damn kid in a crappy high school TV show. It all seemed so pathetic now, Laxus could barely handle it.

His gaze fell on Freed again.

God was he handsome.

"Well, we ain't getting any younger, so we better start walkin' if we wanna get around the place by the end of the day," Bickslow proclaimed. "Come on Freedo Justineo."

"Oh please don't start calling me that," Freed requested, and Laxus jolted at the sound of his voice.

"You and I are gonna forge ahead and leave those assholes in the dust," Bickslow grinned as he slung an arm over Freed's shoulder. "Because Ever is stupid and she decided to bring only heeled shoes to a damn canyon, and Laxus is a muscle head who doesn't have any stamina and he'll be exhausted by the time we're out of the parking lot. So off we go, into the pit."

Bickslow was marching off, essentially dragging Freed with him, before the man could make any real complaints. That left Laxus with Evergreen, who was looking at him expectantly. When he glanced down, he noticed she was wearing flat shoes.

"Those ain't heels," He commented.

"So you're not completely stupid," Evergreen said, a little harsher than Laxus liked.

"What's that tone for?" Laxus asked indignantly.

"You kissed him, didn't say anything for the rest of the night and then pretended to be asleep," She huffed, crossing her arms. "You even turned the damn lamp off. What were you thinking?"

"I was drunk," Laxus tried to explain.

"You've been drunk a lot of times around me and you've never been so stupid before," She chastised him, and Laxus had half a mind to walk off. He would have, had Evergreen not been right. "I get that you might have panicked, or that you even regretted it for some reason, but is that really the best thing you could think of doing. Just ignoring him isn't going to get rid of the problem, if anything it's going to put a massive focus on it because of how much effort you're putting into ignoring it."

"I know," Laxus groaned. "And I'm gonna talk to him about it. Gonna apologise to him."

"And say what exactly?" Evergreen asked.

Laxus hadn't actually thought of that. After speaking with Bickslow, the rest of the trip to the canyon had been spent convincing himself that he had the courage to speak to the man despite the bubble of nervous embarrassment that filled him when he so much as looked at him. He had been so focused on getting the courage to say anything to him, he had almost forgotten that what he said to him had to be meaningful and impactful.

Evergreen apparently saw the struggle Laxus was going through, and her posture changed to something less annoyed. She placed a hand on Laxus' arm in a comforting way, patting it softly. Laxus was glad she didn't seem angry at him anymore.

"What am I gonna say to him?" Laxus mused aloud.

"I don't know," Evergreen said carefully. "But I think that, before you start thinking about that, you need to be sure of what you actually want with Freed. If you wanna be friends with him, go out with him, never see him after the week ends. Because if you don't know that then talking about it isn't going to help anything."

Laxus knew that. He knew he had to know what he wanted. And he basically did know what he wanted. But he probably couldn't have that, because of one big problem.

"The guy was just cheated on-"

"I know," Evergreen interrupted. "But I'm not asking you what the gallant thing to do is. I'm asking you what you, Laxus Dreyar, want with Freed. What the ideal end to the week would be for you."

Laxus sighed to himself. "I'd wanna be with him, I guess. But I don't have a clue if he's ready or not-"

"That's his problem, Laxus," Evergreen assured him. "If he wants to start dating someone or he doesn't, that's nothing to do with you. But if he is ready, and I think that he might be, then you need to let him know you're interested. He's not broken, and he's not fragile. If anything he's pissed off, partly about being cheated on and partly because he knew exactly why you closed yourself off last night."

"You think?" Laxus asked, deflating.

"He's a smart guy, Laxus. Smartest one here," Evergreen shrugged. "Look, I'm not saying that you have to have a wedding planned out or anything, but I think it'll be good for you to think about what Freed might be for you. And now's as good a time as any to think, because as nice as this place is, walking around it is going to get very boring very quickly. So just take today, think about what you want, and think about how you're going to tell Freed about it. The rest is up to the two of you, okay?"

"Okay," Laxus nodded.

He already knew, in his gut, what he wanted from Freed. Now he just had to convince himself that it was the right thing for the both of them.

~~~

It was dark now, but they were still at the canyon. Multiple lights illuminated the landscape, and stars shimmered down on them all. Laxus looked at the RV with a small amount of trepidation, nerves bubbling in his stomach as he walked forward.

All day he'd been thinking about what Evergreen and Bickslow had spoken to him about. He'd thought about what he might want with Freed – if it could be something serious or casual, if it was just a crush he could get over or something bigger than that, if he could get past the embarrassment of the previous night and get over his pride to explain that sometimes, when it came to his emotions, he was a fucking idiot. His entire mind had been a mess of possibilities, and most of the day Laxus had felt almost sick.

And then an image stuck him, and image of a possible future. He thought about him and Freed, watching TV together in a similar way they had the night before. They were sharing a pizza, and when Freed leaned up and kissed him, Laxus had kissed back happily.

After that, more possibilities hit him. Each just as tempting as the last.

The two of them at the beach. Freed would have been reading for hours, and Laxus would have slung him over his shoulder and taken him to the water, making some joke about how he wanted the man's attention.

Or the first time it snowed in Magnolia one year. They might have gone to a Christmas market, eating the Russian food that was served and enjoying themselves.

Or a lazy breakfast together, eating in Laxus' kitchen side by side as they struggled to keep their eyes open.

It was then that Laxus had been left with no doubt, and all his questions had been answered. He didn't want something casual with Freed, he wanted a full and loving relationship. It wasn't just a crush, it was more akin to infatuation, and Laxus didn't care that he had only known the man for a short time. And he didn't give a damn about his pride because Freed was worth more than Laxus' dignity. And hopefully, if Freed knew that Laxus wasn't just an emotionally incompetent idiot, he might give him a chance to make his desires come true.

All he had to do was approach the man.

They had all decided that, after spending the day hiking, they would spend the night at the canyon's parking lot. As the night was still warm, Freed had chosen that he would read his novel outside. Well, that's what he claimed, what he actually meant was he was going to read on the rooftop of the RV. Taking a breath to steady himself, Laxus took the ladder in hand and climbed it.

"Hey," He greeted, and Freed looked towards him. "Mind if I join you?"

"By all means," Freed made a motion towards Laxus.

After stepping off the small ladder, Laxus shifted so that he was sitting beside Freed. If the man looked radiant in the sunlight, he looked positively gorgeous in the moonlight. The darker and cooler colours seemed to just accent everything that was perfect about the man. From his striking features to his slightly paler than normal skin, it all seemed to be just a little more beautiful in the moonlight. It made the conversation Laxus wanted to have both harder to start, and more important to have as soon as possible.

"Look, I just wanted to say, I'm sorry for what happened last night," Laxus began. "Not that I kissed ya. Well, kind of actually. Not that I'm sorry about kissing ya, more that I'm sorry I kissed ya in the way that I did. That's not what I'm trying to say. What I'm trying to say… what I need to say is…"

Laxus cussed himself silently. He had known what he had wanted to say, how come it was so hard to get the actual words out.

"I think what you need is a minute to gather your thoughts a little better," Freed said, a pleasant teasing tone in his voice.

"Yeah," Laxus nodded. "Sorry, I thought that I knew what I was gonna say. Turns out I don't."

Freed chuckled, placing the book down and turning so he was looking at Laxus face on, sitting cross legged with a patient expression on his face. Laxus wasn't entirely sure that he had earned such an expression, given how he had treated Freed the night before, but Evergreen had insisted that Freed understood his actions and wasn't angry at him. Well, nothing that he couldn't fix if he acted quickly at least.

"Okay, what I meant to say was, I'm sorry I kissed you in the way I did last night," Laxus began after thinking for a moment. "We were both drunk, and my judgment wasn't great. You had just been pretty emotionally vulnerable with me, and for some fucking reason I thought it was the right time to try and kiss you. And I'm sorry about that."

"You don't need to-"

"I do," Laxus cut him off, making eye contact with him. "Look, I ain't good with feelings and crap. I normally get panicked and awkward, and I apparently sometimes do stupid stuff like this. And the only reason I can get away with it is because people call me out on my bullshit. You seem like the kinda guy who can do that, so don't be kind when you don't need to."

"Asking me not to show restraint can be a dangerous thing, Laxus," Freed said with a chuckle in his tone. "But I understand that. I have a habit of closing myself off and not discussing things. Bickslow's words, not mine."

"They been givin' you the third degree today too?" Laxus asked.

"They're annoyingly good at it, aren't they?" Freed laughed, before smiling at Laxus pleasantly. "I do forgive you, Laxus. Admittedly, ignoring each other isn't what I would have wanted the end of our first kiss to be, but I can't deny I've done idiotic things when overwhelmed. And I understand it, so don't worry yourself about it."

"Thanks," Laxus nodded a little.

He looked towards the other man, and felt something of an ache in his stomach. The fact Freed could forgive him in such an understanding way made Laxus feel warm inside in a way he couldn't describe. In Laxus' past attempts at relationships, often his clumsy attempts at understanding and dealing with his emotions had left to arguments. Rightfully so, Laxus knew that in hindsight. But the fact that Freed was willing to understand that it hadn't been malicious was something of a comfort that Laxus couldn't help but crave more of.

"There's a little more," Laxus confessed. "It's erm, well, the reason I acted like I did after I kissed you is that, well, I didn't just feel like I'm taking advantage of you. It felt like I kinda, I dunno, wasted my first kiss with ya," Laxus blushed, and averted his gaze. "I don't… the kiss wasn't just a drunk impulse. It's erm… it's something I wanted to do while sober but didn't have the balls."

God, he really needed to get better at talking.

"And the fact I kissed ya at such a bad time, kinda scared me. Because if I was thinking I'm a dickhead for kissing you at that time, I thought you'd think the same and-"

Freed interrupted Laxus' ramblings by leaning over, cupping Laxus' chin with his thumb and finger, and bringing his closer. Laxus' eyes widened, and a moment later he was being kissed.

It was magical.

Laxus' memory of their drunken kiss was hazy at best, and was overshadowed by the regret and embarrassment. But in this moment, he felt engrossed by Freed. As if the two of them were the only people of importance, and he was almost overwhelmed by the sensation of Freed. The movement of Freed's lips against his chapped ones, the calloused hand on his thigh Freed was using to keep balance, the sight of the man's eyes closing softly in a fluttering motion.

At the movement, Laxus closed his own eyes and allowed himself to be dragged further into the lure of Freed's kiss. It was perfect.

When they eventually pulled apart, they both were a little breathless. They kept their faces only an inch apart, and Laxus was blushing slightly. He had kissed Freed while sober. Freed, the man who had captured Laxus' attention and seemed reluctant to let it go, had just kissed him. And it had been perfect.

"Does this mean that-" Laxus began, but Freed shushed him with a smile.

"We can discuss things after the trip is done," Freed promised. "Right now, I think we've earned the right to enjoy each other."

Freed was kissing him before he could argue. Not that he would have anyway.

[ma-gic-gay]

Knock Before Entering

If Chase had simply knocked before he went in that room, there would be nowhere near as much awkward tension right now between the three of them.

But alas, he hadn't knocked and they were all in an uncomfortable position.

Let's set the scene: Just an hour ago, Michael and Willow had made their marriage official. In Wiley's playroom they were supposed to be painting stars on the ceiling in so their son could have stars to see when he was an astronaut. He was going to be one when he grew up and so they had begun painting them when the annulment papers had came in.

Instead of annulling their marriage, however, they'd finally said everything they felt about each other to each other- and acted on it. Several times.

They'd decided to go again and were making out like fifteen year olds when Chase barged into the room.

The mood had never been killed quicker.

Glaring at Chase, Michael and Willow threw on their shirts and tried to look somewhat presentable as Chase was standing there awkwardly, looking at everything but the sight in front of him. Willow blushes a deep red color, more embarrassed than upset. For her especially, this is an awkward situation.

When everyone's fully dressed, she excuses herself to go find Wiley. As she leaves, Michael's glare returns, as well as his bulging neck veins. "You wanna explain what you're doing here right now?"

"Brook Lynn and I made a deal where if she and Ned talked, I'd talk to Willow," Chase explains, clearly digging himself deeper and deeper into the hole he's created.

"Why are you and Brook Lynn making deals? And what do you have to say to Willow?" Michael asks.

"We're friends. For God's sakes, she's living on my couch! So, since we both have things we don't want to do but should, we made this deal. She tries to work things out with her dad and I tell her how I feel."

Confused, Michael asks, "What do you feel for my cousin that involves Willow?"

"No, not Brook Lynn. She's great, and very interesting, but I don't feel that way about her. We're just friends, nothing more. The deal was I tell Willow what I feel for her. Willow, she told me you two were getting an annulment so I thought it was my final chance to tell her how I feel about her."

Taking a deep breath, Michael asks, "And what do you feel for my wife, Chase? Please, tell me. I'm dying to know. I'm dying to know how you feel about her."

Chase can sense the anger in his tone as he says, "I love her. I-I know what you two-"

"You cheated on her with Sasha. The two of you broke our hearts when you did that, and I don't think you can say you love her if you can have an affair. I get that your conscience might not have let you date Sasha afterwards, but you still managed to cheat on her while you were supposedly in love with her. It's been months Chase, months since the affair," Michael reminds him. "So don't tell me you love her when you broke her heart and didn't care about that. Don't you dare do that."

"I didn't have an affair with Sasha! We faked it for the custody case, so you two would get married and keep Wiley safe from Janelle and her manipulations," Chase exclaims loudly.

Suddenly, everything comes to a halting stop. How loud was he, could Willow hear? Could Brook Lynn hear? What had he just said? The affair was fake?

Willow walks back into the room, confused. "What did you just say?"

"Willow, I love you. Sasha and I never cheated on you and Michael, we made up the affair because you two needed to get married for Wiley's sake. Now that you're getting annulled, I thought this would be my last chance to tell you that I love you and I don't know if I'll ever stop loving you. I need you to know that I still love you." The look on Chase's face is one of anxiety, but it's obvious he's telling the truth.

"You two were making out on a couch! That's still cheating, you just didn't have sex. Do you want an award? Some applause? Chase, you broke my heart. You broke Michael's heart. I've moved on and I don't love you anymore. It's best you move on too," Willow explains to him.

Brook Lynn opens the door, seeing the three of them in an awkward conversation. "We heard yelling from Chase and it was decided I'd be the best to come up here and figure out what's happening."

Angry, hurt, and annoyed, Chase kisses the Quartermaine girl intensely. Is he using her? Only slightly. The kiss feels right though, and so they pull away moments later breathless. Neither were expecting that to be... That. For a first kiss, it was a solid 10/10.

Anger fuels through Michael as his cousin actually kisses him back. "What the fuck are you two doing? Chase, you love Willow but somehow you're making out with her? You can't make a decision for the life of yourself. When you chose to play god with all of our lives, you knew what you were doing. And now you don't want to deal with the consequences of your own actions."

"Michael! I'm an adult, I can take care of myself. Look, I'm fine, alright? That was the first time him and I did that," Brook Lynn reassures him and his breathing calms slightly.

There's a pause before Michael's anger at Chase continues to spew, uncontrollable. "I can't believe you! Saying you're in love with my wife one minute and the next you're making out with my cousin. Brook Lynn, I trust you can take care of yourself, and I trust you told the truth. But Chase, how can you do that? How can you break someone's heart and then say, months later, that you love her? Tell me, please. I'm begging to know. Maybe I can break someone's heart who doesn't deserve it like you did!'"

"Look, let's all take a deep breath before we do anything we're going to regret," Willow suggests, bringing Michael back to reality: they're still in the playroom, trying to solve a problem. With annulment papers conveniently somewhere around here if they so choose to get them and sign.

After that momentarily breather for everyone, Chase says, "I do love Willow, and I think you might love Sasha still, Michael. Things could go-"

As he says that, Michael can't hold back and, neck veins bulging, punches Chase. It's a good punch, one Jason taught him to throw years ago. There are perks to having your mother's best friend being a hitman and your father being in the mob, and one is punching lessons. Well, really more self defense lessons, but still. It's a perk to growing up in dysfunction.

Chase and him fist fight for several minutes to the protests of Willow and Brook Lynn, who both were trying to stop it. But alas, nothing can stop two angry men from fist fighting each other like 12 year olds over an XBOX.

They finally stop the fight, both having taken good punches and thrown good ones. Fury burns in Chase's eyes as shame fills Michael. He let his temper get the best of him and this happened. "Look man, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have thrown that punch and started that-"

The detective throws another punch, this time leaving a bloody lip. "Damn right you shouldn't have. But now, you're going to be arrested for assault."

"You do not want to arrest him. Arrest me," Brook Lynn suggests.

"As much as I'd like to, Brook Lynn, you don't have any grounds for arrest at the moment and he does," Chase reminds her.

"Chase, please don't do this. At the very least, let me take care of his bloody lip," Willow begs and Dante walks into the room.

Whistling, Dante says, "What the fuck happened in here? It smells like sex and Michael's got a bloody lip and Chase has what looks like a bruised forehead. Is this some weird sex thing I don't know about because if so I feel like it's illegal."

"Do not start that conversation or there will be more blood," Brook Lynn warns him. "But currently all I know is Chase told Willow how he feels and Michael punched him when he said that she still loved him and he still loved Sasha. But I'm guessing that the sex thing came from Michael and Willow, so I'm pretty sure that's actually encouraged in most religions. Also Chase made out with me."

"How much did I miss? But Detective, arresting him is a shoddy at best move. Trust me, I was with the police department for a while." Dante chuckles.

"Thank you for your input Dante, but I'm going to go and bring Michael to the station," Chase says before reciting the Miranda rights to him. "If you don't want him to be in jail tonight, I suggest you go to the police station."

"I feel like this is harassment and that that's how the commissioner will see this as well," Dante informs him.

But the protests of his family don't have any meaning as Chase handcuffs him and he's dragged out to the police car, absolutely silent while everyone sees him being arrested by his former best friend.

An hour later, Diane's there and clearly displeased with him. "Michael. I would expect this behavior from, say, Jason or Carly. They've actually both been in a situation like this at one point. Irony's a beautiful thing. That's not the point. You are supposed to be the good one! Not the one fist fighting people with no real reason except you're mad they're in love with your wife!"

"I know, I know. I overreacted to it and I'm sorry for that and I let my anger get the best of me which I shouldn't have and I feel like hell but it was so great finally punching him. But, in my defense, he also said false things that we'd already said we're false and made out with Brook Lynn after insisting they were just friends. And he gave me a bloody lip, so I'd say we're even," Michael struggles to defend himself. "Is it still bloody?"

"Yes, it's still bleeding. Carly, Sonny, and Jason have been made aware you're here, and I'm sure that you and Chase have very different sides to the story but, provided he drops the charges, you'll be let free. If he doesn't, someone will need to post bail money for you and this petty case will be taken to court."

Chase walks back into the interrogation room. "Michael, I think we can make an agreement. I'll drop the charges if you and Willow get annulled."

Diane steps in, chuckling. "This form of agreement seems harassing, as does the proposition in question. Detective, I understand you decided to arrest him on the grounds of assault but a jury or the commissioner will just see this as you harassing my client. Additionally, the annulment papers were received by them today."

"Diane, we're not getting annulled. We, uh, we decided we're staying together. Chase, he walked in when we were making out and then told us he'd lied about the affair and that he still loves Willow and so Brook Lynn came upstairs to figure out what was happening and he made out with her and I asked him how he could do that and he insinuated several things about my love life so I punched him, not hard, and he fought back so we had a minor fist fight and then I apologized for throwing the first punch because that wasn't smart or productive and he gave me a cat lip," Michael explains.

"Detective, I strongly advise you stop harassing Mr. Corinthos here because that's what it looks like to me. Willow can make her own decisions, that's her choice who she wants to be with. She is not to be sold as property."

Chase, exhaling, says, "You're right. I shouldn't have arrested him in the first place, and I'll drop the charges, but someone does still need to bail him out."

"What is bail set at?" Diane asks, smiling.

"$500. I'll alert his family, which is loudly congregated out there," Chase says, standing up from the table.

"Thank you," Michael smiles.

As Chase leaves, Diane's smirk widens. "What's this I hear about no annulment? Did your grounds for it become, how shall I say this, void?"

"Well, the Quartermaine's already know, why not you. Yes, we did decide not to get annulled. It isn't something either of us want, so sorry for wasting your time."

"It's your private life so I'm not going to dig into it, Michael, but for what it's worth, I wish you and Willow the best on your marriage. Trust me, she's probably the only woman who both of your families will agree is good for you and who can deal with the chaos that is your life."

"Thanks, I think," Michael chuckles as she leaves and he finds out his bail has been posted and gets uncuffed.

He walks out of the room, embarrassed but fine minus the bloody lip, and sees that there's a good fifteen people out there for him; Carly, who's pacing and talking to Jason very loudly, Jason, who's remind her they're at a police station, Willow, who's trying to just ignore the situation, Brook Lynn, who's harassing Chase about how he acted, Dante, who's smirking about everything that's happened, Wiley, who clearly isn't comfortable with this situation, Sonny, who's just scrolling through his phone, Diane, who's discussing something with a disinterested Sonny. Dysfunction at it's finest.

Willow looks up and sees he's there and runs up to hug her husband. "You're okay? Your lip's not bleeding, but are you sure you're okay and we don't need to go to the hospital right now to get you checked out?"

Chuckling, Michael says, "Willow. Look at me. I am fine. Trust me, I've been through worse than my busted lip and soreness. You have absolutely no reason to worry."

"You were arrested! For punching him over me! I feel like there was plenty of reason for me to worry and be upset," she smiles.

"Well, I promise you, I am fine and don't need to go to the hospital. Your overreaction is, though adorable, unnecessary right now. I'm fine, Wiley's fine, you're fine, and that's all that matters," Michael assures her.

Smiling, she quickly kisses him which is convenient seen by everyone there. "Promise on your life?"

"That's a bit extreme."

"Then you're going to the hospital," she declares as Carly and the adults are laughing. "What's so funny?"

"How casually you two just kissed. Yesterday, you were getting an annulment and today there's this. We clearly need to be caught up on what happened. Besides, your concern is just so much like a wife, you two really are married now," Carly laughs.

"I'm still making him get checked out at the hospital. Would any of you like to join me?" Willow asks, earning another chuckle from them.

"Sure, why not?" Dante chuckles as the rest of them minus Brook Lynn agree to join; she's doing a thing she does where she just stares blankly while you talk so you can't see her emotion with Chase.

"You are way too worried about me," Michael protests.

"You wouldn't swear on your life."

"You're lucky you're my wife."

"I am," she agrees as they walk out, him kissing her forehead. "And you're lucky I'm your wife."

"That I most certainly am."

wsdfgbhnjm words

[harrythekingofcamp]

#LateLateStyles with (Y/N)

Hey, so I made this one shot ages ago because of #LateLateStyles which I published on Wattpad. Decided to post it here as well. xx enjoy (If anyone's reading it nway)

PS: Please bear with me on my grammar bc english isn’t my first language

1

You and Harry were known to be great friends when he started his music career and you on acting and there was always a rumor that you and him were dating because you were always seen with him.

Whether its late night in the club, a lunch at the finest dining restaurant or even each others date on a award show or premiere night. But you both don't confirm it and dont talk about it making it a bit awkward for both of you especially when paps straight up ask you about it.

You always had this thing for Harry and you were always inconsistent that he has feelings for you too, since you always see him with some model or rumored to be dating with other girls. (Kendall Jenner was out of the rumors since you knew she was with somebody else and they were just great friends since you and her were also friends)

You were aware that Harry was on the Late Late Night with James Corden all week as he told you when you were talking in the phone. (You didn't have time to catch up personally since he's been having shows for his debut album and you were busy on a new movie) and surprisingly, he and James Corden (Who was also a really good friend of yours back from Harry's hometown, Cheshire) invited you over the show as a guest. As usual, both of you and Harry's fans have been dying to see the premiere of the show since they released the teaser.

And now, you were in the studio. 5 minutes before the show starts and you were with your assistant who has been gushing and teasing you about Harry for almost an hour.

The first segment of the show is you and Harry in the monologue that was usually done with James.

"Okay (Y/N), Get ready for your queue with Harry." The organizer calls out on you and you give him a thumbs up and went behind the curtain where you meet the suit claded man who was already smirking at you.

"You look sexy-- ow!"

"Stop Harold. Be professional for once- but thank you," you stuck your tongue at him after slightly slapping him in the shoulder.

"All the way from Cheshire and Wolverhampton England.. Give it up for your hosts, Harry Styles and (Y/N) (Y/L/N)!" A loud applaud was heard and you put on my greatest smile and I saw him smile, a cheeky one.

The curtain opened and you walked with a little bit of dance with Harry making you giggle with him as he continues to dance.

The music stopped and the audience calmed a bit and Harry started his queue.

"Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen and Welcome to the Late Late Show! We have a good one for you tonight, I'm joined with my good ol' friend, the ever so beautiful, (Y/N) (Y/L/N)!" He looked at me with a smile and you poked him in the cheek and laughed a little which made the audience cheered again.

"I know! We look good together but calm down." Harry jokes making the audience laugh a little and calmed a bit after.

"A little more! A little more!" He ushers the audience making you playfully glare at him your hands in your waist.

"What?" He mouths jokingly at me and you shake your head at him, waiting the audience to finish the cheer.

"Calm down people!" You joke and eventually the audience calmed down and you started your queue.

"Today we'll be doing what we usually do, we'll talk about the news!" you air quoted the usually part and laughed a bit.

--

The monologue finished afterwards and you, Harry and James were getting ready for the next one, the talk.

The director made the queue pointing out 3 fingers one by one and James spoke afterwards.

"Welcome back to the Late Late Show, we're joined again with Mr. Harry Styles and the iconic Ms. (Y/N) (Y/L/N)!" you smile at the audience and waved a little.

James started to ask questions about Harry which you made a few comments now and then. After a while, it was your part of the questions.

"So (Y/N), I heard you accepted a new project, a movie to be exact." James tells you holding his cards.

"Yeah, It was last week when I heard of the project and the plot is amazing, I know everybody was going to love it. I can't say anything about it yet but yeah, we started shooting a couple days ago at New York." you gleefuly answered, it was nice being back at the big screen again as you can say so yourself

"Well you heard her folks, she's shooting at New York go and barge her there" James jokes making the audience laugh at him, "And I also heard you invited Mr. Styles over here to the set of the movie aswell,"

The screen showed some pics of me and Harry. Me on getting ready to act one of my first scene and him at the back of the set watching me holding my phone.

"And Mr. Styles here also posted on instagram a picture of you goofing around the set.." The screen shows a screenshot of Harry's post in Instagram of me candidly took when you were goofing around the directors camera.

"Hey! I told you to delete that picture" I cringe at him and he just raises his arms in defense laughing afterwards.

"Well as we're on the subject about you and Styles here." James pauses for a minute because the audience cheered especially the fangirls, "After 3 long years, you were always both seen with each other and even I myself is confused of what is your status together--" the audience cheered again

James was about to speak when one of the fangirls screamed "They're my parents, mate!!" Which you guys bursts into laughter.

Your cheeks blushed a little while Harold smirks after answering, "What's our status you say? I guess the whole world just gonna have to find out for themselves" He jokes and winks after.

"Yeah, we're never gonna tell you and you- yes you watching there, I'm not telling you one bit." you point at the camera which made the audience laugh. You and Harry did a high five after.

James changes the topic and goes on to Harry's Album

"So (Y/N), Styles mentioned on a Radio Show that you were one of the first people to hear Harry's Album with her mother Anne, stepfather Robin, and her sister Gemma-- Which one is your favorite?" He asks you teasingly knowing that he knew and obviously the whole world knows that Harry wrote a song about you and it was Only Angel.

"Oh cut the farts--" you start to defend yourself but Harry stiffles a giggle

"Farts? Really (Y/N)?" He teases you which you roll my eyes at him and he pretended to wince holding his heart dramatically.

"Well what's your favorite then?" James asks me again.

"Fine! Only Angel!" you give up and the audience laughed and cheered.

"So since that song is your favorite you say, I have these queue cards that has the lyrics on it-"

"Oh God." you say as you and Harry both blush and face palm.

"Broke a finger knocking on your bedroom door." He reads the lyrics out loud.

"I honestly don't know-" You reasoned but he cuts you off.

"You cant fool me (Y/N)," The audience laughs, "Harry, do the honors"

"Well, I think it's because we shared a house before my music and her acting career."

He nods, "Sure it's not something else?" He adds teasingly.

You just looked at each other and laughed.

"Couldn't take you home to Mother in a skirt that short but I think that's what I like about it." He reads again making you slap Harold in the arm playfully.

"Well.." Harry explains with a little smirk in the end making you glare at him, "I took her to Cheshire one time and it was summer so.. she kept insisting on wearing a skirt because it was  summer and all and it was hot and yeah I joked at her that I couldn't take her home to my mum with that skirt because trust me, its really short." He tells and widened his eyes and shooked his head several times. Making James and the audience laugh at his reaction and making you blush slightly.

"I'm never gonna wear a skirt again without thinking of those lyrics" You say with a groan making the audience laugh.

"And lastly.. My favorite lyrics of Only Angel" He laughs after, knowing you and Harry knows whats the next lyrics.

"When it turns out she's a devil in between the sheets" He sings this part making you slap Harry again and again.

He just laughs at you and pleads for you to stop, "Why do you have to put that in your song?" you whine hiding the fact that you're blushing intensively.

"Well-- It is true!" He says which made James burst into laughter and also the audience at the innuendo.

"Explain then Harold" He says to him playfully throwing the cards away.

"Okay okay-- so when me and (Y/N) go to clubs, we were always very drunk to drive and go home so it was a routine that we go to one of the nearest hotels and sleep- WE HAVE DIFFERENT ROOMS EVERYONE-" He cuts himself and tells them that to stop the audience from assuming, which made the people laugh and you nod your head agreeing with a giggle, "And at the time (Y/N) was dating someone" he air quotes someone knowing it was the fling you had with Dave Franco (Yes, a little bit old for me) "And I was sobering myself up before going to sleep when I heard squeals and bangs on the other side of the wall and so I assume-"

"HE THOUGHT WRONG OKAY?" You defend yourself making you sip on some coffee that was on the table.

"Yeah and I made a joke about it the day after." He says making you glare at him.

"WE WERE NOT DOING WHAT YOU GUYS THINK WERE DOING. WE'RE JUST FOOLING AROUND-WE'RE DRUNK!" you say again defensively.

"Don't be defensive (Y/N)- youre making yourself obvious" Harry tells you loudly. But again, you roll your eyes at him.

"And obviously for the title, Only Angel it was quite obvious." James lastly tells both of you.

"(Y/F/N), my only one Victoria's Secret Angel" He blurts out with a cheeky smile. Referencing the time that you joined the Victoria's Secret fashion show last year.

You blush again and laugh trying to hide that red of a face of yours.

"Okay and that was Ms. (Y/N) (Y/L/N) and Mr. Styles ladies and gentleman-" James continues on his outro for the episode while you and Harry smile at the audience.

[thiswreckageivebecome]

The Winter Soldier is Still Here (Part 27- “Still A Victim?”) (Bucky/Winter Soldier x Fem!reader)

Word Count: 5185

Warnings: Language, violence, emotional trauma

Author’s Note: This one was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me and it literally brought tension to my mind and body, so maybe try and prepare yourself? Or it may just do that for me, who knows? Either way, I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Masterlist

__________________________________________________________________

BUCKY POV

————————

"What has he taken from you?" I ventured asking T'Challa after an extended period of silence, my eyes still on (Y/n). He acted as though he didn't want to answer and I could see the pain he held.

"It's a long story."

"Well, I don't recall Africa being that close to D.C. so I'd think we'd have some time. But hey, if you don't want to ta-"

"My father and the love of my life. He is responsible for their deaths. He is the reason I now hold the mantle of king."

"I'm sorry to hear that. How did it happen?" T'Challa took a visible deep breath before continuing.

"He has been working with a man named Klaue. You see, in Wakanda we hold a very precious element and there are multitudes of it. Many in the world search after it. It's called Vibranium."

"Isn't that what Steve's sh-" I began to ask and he nodded.

"Captain America's shield, yes. Your arm, also. It's a powerful element as you well know. Its power can be harnessed for many purposes and used in a large number of ways. Some, like Klaue and Charscovsky, want to steal it to use it for weapons that will only bring more harm to the world than there already is. As you can imagine, we don't want this and are attempting to defend it in the best ways we know how."

"I'm sorry for your losses."

"Thank you, Mr. Barnes. When the explosion first occurred, I couldn't even comprehend what was happening. One of my sister's labs contained a new experiment that would not only strengthen the vibranium but turn it into a transparent liquid, as well as giving it the opportunity to turn it into a gaseous form. My sister was working on this so that they could be utilized for medicinal and manufacturing purposes, however, Klaue and HYDRA want it to make new weapons."

"That sounds like HYDRA," I looked over at (Y/n). She was still unconscious but she seemed as though she was resting. I recalled what my resting was like while in Cryostasis, though, and that thought almost dropped me to my knees, thinking of what could be going through (Y/n)'s mind. I placed my hand on the wall of the aircraft for support. T'Challa noticed.

"She's the love of your life, yes?" I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

"Yes, yes I think she is."

READER POV

___________

Flashes of memories that weren't my own blazed across my mind. I felt cold but I could not awaken. I felt as though there was a transparent, yet impenetrable cloud covering my entire body as I lay and watch as if it was the projection screen of someone else's life. I watched as people were murdered in the most horrid of ways. I watched, I attempted to scream but no sound escaped my throat. I saw police cars and ambulances blow by as I, or who ever's eyes I was viewing this through, sat in wait and patience, and I could feel pleasure, while conflicted, flood my veins. I could feel success but there was something else scratching at that success. It felt like regret, disgusting regret, and sorrow. I could see myself move from the window and across the bare room of what seemed an empty apartment in order to get a better view. I could see medical services and camera crews, running after the Continental. I could feel the smile spread across my lips and the threatening regret bubbling inside attempting to pull those lips down. 

The scene changed. I saw flashes of a man one who seemed a friend, one who seemed to be by my side. He smiled over at me, grabbed me on the shoulder encouragingly. This man had strong cheekbones and medium bronze brown hair. His jaw tightened in a flash and his eyes grew vile and all signs of life left them. The surrounding light flickered off and when the light resumed, I watched as he was tossed into a vertical tube and he went under Cryostasis. I felt someone grab the back of my arm and guide me to my own tube. Everything went black.

I sat in darkness for what seemed an eternity. I attempted to scream. I couldn't see where I was but I felt as though I was in a coffin. I attempted to scream, to kick, to fight my way out of the darkness but it was as if none of my efforts were making any difference. I couldn't sleep. Adrenaline pulsed through my system at lightning speeds and while my efforts seemingly did nothing, I could feel the strength of my own hands, arms, and legs reinforcing and growing stronger throughout the fight. 

Out of nowhere came a burst of light and I found myself standing under a lampost. I felt a similar conflict but this time, it was anxiety and determination. I was waiting for someone, someone I would do irreparable harm to, but I couldn't recall who or why; I suppose because these weren't my own memories, but someone else's, and I couldn't figure out who just yet. I began to walk forward, at a gradual pace so that I could take in the sight of the bar, yet walk by undetected. I saw him and he appeared familiar yet sick. I continued to walk forward once he was in my sights. I positioned myself just inside the opening of the dark alley so that I could be hidden yet I could see. I waited and the tension inside my chest continued to build. As I waited, the street was quiet, all but the few drunken strangers leaving the bar and the addicts doing business. Those who were lucky enough to stay off drugs while on the street steered clear of places like this, I practically heard this person say in their mind, so I won't have to worry about sober witnesses. The man I was waiting for stumbled out of the bar. I stepped out of the darkness by only a few inches so that my identity would remain unknown to my incognizant victim. I heard myself say: 

"Hey, Jack."

The man turned, apparently whose name was Jack. Across his face were surprise and just a hint of recognition before he collapsed from the bullet wound I put in his chest. I felt the pain in my own chest as I opened Jack's vehicle trunk and stuffed his body inside. I got in the vehicle and drove off before, yet again, everything went black.

I laid there in the opaque nothing-ness. I felt tears stream down my cheeks. That Jack was the same man who had appeared in the prior vision. I may not have the memories to connect every dot, but I could feel the connection in the very depths of my soul that this man, this Jack person, had been a friend, a confidante, someone whom I had been proud of, someone who was like a kid brother to me. I saw the bleakness in his eyes that mirrored my own pain and self-destruction, whoever's eyes I was seeing through. I saw the desolation in his pupils as he exited that bar and I knew we had suffered similar demons, both in our imagination and out in the world. As I felt a sob crawling its way out of my chest, an explosion of black smoke, orange sparks, and flying debris dashed across my eyes and threw shadows across my face. 

After the smoke cleared, I, myself, not the memories of the person I was watching, I saw someone standing in front of me with blood across their face, as well as blood stains from bullet wounds I could sense this person's memories I was watching had inflicted. I recognized the person immediately. Steve, Steve was standing in front of me, in front of this person, and with the sorrow in Steve's eyes, I knew immediately whose memories I had been living: Bucky's. My sweet Bucky, I was watching the deeds that haunted him. My vision jumped as did my body. I heard Bucky, myself seemingly, say "You're my mission," and I could feel the tension inside his chest, in my own, grow until I thought my own chest would erupt and gush forth the tearing and contradicting emotions filling it. I could feel the pressure of the metal hitting skin, cheekbone, and skull. I could feel splatters of blood hitting my face as I raised my arm multiple times until I felt something stop me and I heard Steve's words. 

"Then finish it. 'Cause I'm with you 'til the end of the line." 

Traversing across my vision there were scenes of Steve and I walking up steps and I could feel the anguish in Bucky's chest, unsure how exactly to help Steve in whatever was going on. Then I figured from the discussion that it must have been when Steve's mom passed and he had no one left. I came back to the present with Bucky. I could sense the recognition set in. Bucky finally knew him. He knew his best friend, Steven Rogers.

BUCKY POV

___________

I could sense an immediate halt in conversation and for it, I was grateful. I walked to the other end of the aircraft and sat beside the table (Y/n) lay upon. I watched her for a few moments until I knew the tears would overflow and be seen by watchful eyes. I chose instead to drop my head and let the tears fall to the floor. 

"Shit," I thought. " Now I'll have to wipe them up somehow or someone could fall. (Y/n) could fall if something happened and she awoke before we exited the aircraft. I attempted to wipe my eyes as I brushed back my hair, lifting my head. I decided what I would do would be to sit on the floor of the craft in hopes that no one would realize why and they'd only think I was slightly odder than they originally thought. 

I began to shift to the floor but just as I was about to sit and slide over the petite puddle it seemed to disappear. What kind of place were these people from? I returned to where I had been sitting and it wasn't long before I heard Okoye announce:

"We're here."

I saw a holographic shield open that wouldn't be seen by the naked eye and soon enough we were landing inside a mountain.  It reminded me just slightly of the way Hydra had hidden within the mountains in the Alps. I pushed the thought from my mind quickly. These people had done nothing but help me, help us, thus far. I would remain observant, but I would not object to their assistance for (Y/n)'s sake. When we landed and the door opened, a young woman approached us in white garb that looked like a youthful twist on a doctor's coat and uniform.

"Mr. Barnes," it is a pleasure to meet you. She stretched forth her hand in a friendly notion. I took it and shook lightly. Her petite frame appeared fragile.

"This is my sister, Shuri," T'Challa introduced her. "She is the one who will be assisting in the process of reversing what both you and (Y/n) are the victim of."

"But (Y/n), first," I couldn't help but interrupt, my breathing accelerating to a pace it hadn't reached in quite some time, teeming with worry and anxiety. "I don't care about me, but she has to be better. She didn't deserve this. She has-" T'Challa placed a light hand on my shoulder to halt my words.

"Yes, we'll do all that we can for her, Mr. Barnes. You have my word. We will help her."

Once they saw that I was calming down again, Shuri turned to Okoye. 

"Will you escort Mr. Charscovsky to the prisoner's quarters? However, before you do," she pulled a syringe out of the beads on her wrist while speaking to Okoye, "he will need another dose of this unless you're wanting to question him now, brother?" T'Challa shook his head no.

"We will help Ms. (Y/L/n) first. Go ahead and dose him."

"Where did that come from?" I asked, jarred from the technology, something that seemed more like magic, that was being operated before my very eyes. Shuri ignored my question and stuck the syringe in Charscovsky before turning to T'Challa and myself and telling us to follow her. She led the way down the corridor to wherever the next step awaited in this mission I was on to save the woman I loved. I tried not to think of how she would probably never be mine again after this, but I would forever love her and do everything in my power to save her from this hell I had inadvertently put her in.

READER POV

____________

Everything faded to black. I felt the remorse in my own chest and I began screaming for Bucky, not for him to rescue me, but for his pain. I never had any true clue as to what he had gone through. These glimpses into parts of his past affected me more than any concept I thought I had previously had of him. After some time of screaming for him, screaming "NO!" BUCKY! NO!" I realized that I could hear my screams. They were no longer silent. I didn't know what had changed. Everything was still pitch black, but I could scream and that made me stop in my tracks, puzzled. I began to listen to the silence and somewhere I heard the faintest of voices, and a voice that I didn't recognize said: 

"She's waking up. We need to dose her again."

"No, not again, no," I thought, every nerve in my body shaking in fear and I attempted to push myself out of the darkness.

"No, hold her down. I've got to get the syringe in the other arm, where the previous wound is not," I heard a female voice. I felt cold metal on my arm and across my chest. The opaque blackness was shifting to just the darkest shade of gray and I could feel myself progressively breaking through the dark and back into the world. I couldn't let them keep doing this to me. I had to get to Bucky. I had to hold him, apologize to him for never fully realizing. I didn't care how much my body burned. I didn't care how painful it was to move or how far I had to go to get back to him. I had to. I felt the pinch of the needle enter my arm and before I could fight it, everything went black again. My voice was lost and my body went numb. My mind was the only thing left awake. Just as the last grey spot in the cloud exited I heard a sob and somewhere within my bones, I knew it was Bucky's and once again the tears flowed freely. 

After some time, I thought my mind had fallen asleep. Yet, once again, I began to see memories and they weren't my own...but I saw myself in them. I saw plums and I saw myself chowing down on a snack. I approached myself and I realized something: this was the day Bucky and I met. This was one of his memories? All of the memories I had witnessed thus far had been horrid. What did that mean for this one?

I saw myself quickly become flustered and embarrassed by Bucky sneaking up on me. I heard myself tell him he'd have to teach me his ways...and then I heard his thoughts:

My ways? My ways are callously learned. My ways were learned through torture. My ways come through atrocious lessons and from detestable people if one could even call them that. They made me into this abhorrent monstrosity called the Winter Soldier. My ways were learned through memory loss, leaving me unable to even remember the closest thing to a brother I've ever had.

This must have been why his face had turned to stone at that moment. Things I had witnessed, and things I had not, as I had been traveling through his memories flashed quickly through my mind. I heard his screams of anguish and pain. I heard the bullet rounds, I heard the stabs into flesh. I began to come to even more of a realization how his mind worked and it broke everything within me.

"Why isn't she afraid?" I heard his mind say.

He wanted me to be afraid? Expected me to be afraid? Why? Well, knowing what I knew now, seeing what he had gone through, some of the things he had done while under the control of HYDRA, I suppose I can see now why he'd expect that. However much like when we first met, instead of fear, compassion, and sorrow were the only emotions produced within me and now realizing more in-depth his suffering, those feelings only grew in magnitude. Somehow it was as if the memory began to whiz away with wind that passed my eyes and next it was night and there were strings of lights everywhere: flashing lights, solid lights, white lights, multi-colored lights, and the sounds of whirring machines, kids shouts, and the smell of funnel cakes filled my mind. It was the carnival; our first non-date, date.

I watched myself argue with Bucky about going on the Ferris wheel. I heard him calling me doll and saw myself blush. I also could feel the anxiety growing in Bucky's bones as he realized what he said. I could practically feel the nerves kick in and the butterflies attack his stomach. I could sense Bucky's hesitation about sitting so close to me on the ride with his left arm brushing against my own. I felt him attempt to keep it close to his body so that it wouldn't touch me, but when the cart jerked to a stop, I felt his breath all but halt when he realized I had grabbed his hand. I felt the conflict and tension in his chest as he thought about my willingness to hold his hand, the murder weapon he hated so much, and then the weightlessness that came with accepting the kindness he was receiving and his choosing to live in the moment. I felt the rare joy that enveloped him as he listened to my stories, eyeing me carefully, and attempting to hold in laughter at my irrational fears. 

Everything glinted again and I could feel hot anger in my chest, Bucky's chest as Steve stepped to him.

"Buck, what the hell was that?" Bucky attempted to deny everything, pretend there was nothing between us but Steve wouldn't let it go. "Why are you pushing her away?"

"Why am I pushing her away? Why am I pushing her away?" I heard Bucky say as he stalked away from Steve angrily before turning back to him at a threatening speed. "I could never forgive myself if I hurt her. That's why! You know as well as anyone else that I can't forgive myself for a lot of things, but dammit, none of that would come close to how much I'd hate myself if I ever hurt her. She's this amazing, happy, and considerate person. She deserves someone who isn't half-crazy, bipolar, oh, and I don't know, someone who doesn't have a murder weapon attached to them, Steve!"

The environment changed again and I was in The Muse, well Bucky was. Maggie was standing in front of him, and Rebecca sat in front of him on the table. 

"Can you just do me a favor?" Maggie asked. "Please don't hurt her. She is one of the kindest people I have ever known, not to mention she is probably one of the hardest working people I've ever had to work for me. She deserves the happiness I saw on her face today.  She deserves someone who will treat her well.  She doesn't need to be hurt in any way by anyone. Please don't be one of those people who will inevitably hurt her." I immediately perceived the pain growing inside him, the indecision, the conflict. I was beginning to think that there wasn't a day that ever came to pass that he didn't feel internal conflict. I was beginning to think it was officially a part of him that he would never be rid of. I felt him take a deep breath and then respond with a simple answer:

"Not hurting her is what I care most about." He sat at the table a moment until Maggie retreated to the back and he bolted out the door. I could feel hot tears stinging his eyes and spilling over onto his cheeks as he ran throughout the Wyndhurst district. He ran out the side of the shop and quickly crossed over onto Goldenrod Place before changing course and turning left on Margate. He continued to run. I felt the books, memory journals, Rebecca, To Kill A Mockingbird, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children, Kindred, and a couple of other books he had bought at the local bookstore after my recommending them before, bouncing around violently in the book bag he carried on his back. He looked for an open spot when he reached the end of Margate so he ran across Northwynd Circle and it brought him back by Wyndhurst Villas and before he knew it, he reached trees and nothing but. He ran forward in them a while, finding himself stepping into the outfield of a baseball diamond. He took a right onto the gravel path and slowed to a walk, mind racing. I sensed the anxiety within him grow by the second.

"What the hell am I supposed to do," he shouted at no one but the frigid night air surrounding him. He walked the path slowly, deep in thought, conflicting thought,  trying to weigh out the pros and cons of the two decisions he could make. 

"I could leave. She'd be okay. Sure, she would be sad for a bit, but she would be better off without me.  Sure, she isn't guaranteed to always be safe because that isn't real life but at least there wouldn't be any harm that would come to her by my hand or the Winter Soldiers. She'll realize that she's better off without me and the constant questioning of my stability and identity," I heard him say to himself.

"Or...I could stay. I could love her with everything I am and everything I have, more than I already do. I could stay and try to find some semblance of happiness with her. We could go out to the farm and I could help her pick on the weekends, we could spend our weekends at The Muse, sipping coffee, and discussing literature. I could encourage her as she sits up for hours on end studying and writing for her education," he continued. Then I heard Maggie's request reverberate in his mind over and over and over again.

"Please don't hurt her."

He took the path through the trees, coming into people's backyards, attempting to get back to his vehicle. He took Beverly Hills circle and once again came to trees, but he recognized the villas he had passed and walked through the wooded area. He retraced his steps. Once he reached his Jeep, he hopped in and shut the door with a force I was surprised didn't break the window out of it. I watched through his eyes as trees, storefronts, gas stations, and closed, run-down bars flew by. I watched as he merged onto Lynchburg Expressway and the trees and exits flew by. He surely was speeding and I wanted to shout at him to slow down. It didn't matter to me that this was in the past. I would always be concerned for his safety. He got off the exit for downtown. He was headed to Midpoint I realized. I watched as he pulled into the parking lot and parked but didn't head into the apartments as I thought he would. Instead, he started walking the opposite way and back down Jefferson. He surprised me by choosing to walk into Bootleggers. It was as if he wasn't even thinking about what he was doing or where he was going. His mind seemed blank. He sat down at the bar and ordered beer, after beer, after beer, knowing good and well his alcohol tolerance was off the charts. After about ten beers, he switched to whiskey. I could see the bartender's confusion, not seeing the alcohol have any effect on Bucky. After serving him three whiskeys neat, he finally listened to his thoughts. 

"Man, I have to cut you off. I'm sorry. You're way past the legal limit."

I could feel the heat and fury rising within Bucky. I felt it so strongly, I questioned for a moment whether it was my own anger, but I had no reason to be angry, therefore, I knew it was his alone. I felt the body I was trapped in stand. I felt as the arm took the bartender by the collar.

"You're cutting me off," flashing the vibranium arm so the bartender would know just who he was. The bartender's fear resonated with Bucky and he let him go harshly. 

"Fine." He spat. "Give me those bottles of Tequila, and I don't mean the cheap shit either. Give me that top-shelf stuff." The bartender viewed him incredulously.

"Sir," he stuttered almost in a whisper, "I can't sell them to you." Bucky dropped his voice low and lethally responded in the calmest manner imaginable, stepping in close so that the bartender wouldn't miss a word.

"If you value your life and every life in this bar, you will sell me those bottles now. I've killed many more for much less." The bartender did as he was ordered. Bucky nodded with a malicious grin. "Thank you," and he walked out of the bar. I watched the bottle be uncapped in whatever way Bucky saw fit and lifted forcefully to his lips. I felt the burning in his throat with each long drink. Before he had reached the apartment, he had chugged three bottles and still had four bottles remaining. He climbed the stairs and it seemed with every two or three flights he had another bottle downed. I watched as he unlocked his apartment door. I had to watch as he sat the bottles on the kitchen counter and went to his room, trashing it, and then returning back for the alcohol. I watched as he opened another bottle and sat down on the couch and then I heard a knock at the door.

I watched and when he opened the door, I took in the look of fear and horror on my face that I quickly attempted to hide. I had failed miserably and I could sense Bucky had seen and recognized it as well. I felt him turn, ignoring my words and returning to the alcohol. The whole scene flashed by and I only got glimpses of the event. Apparently, the alcohol eventually did affect him but as I watched myself grab for his wrist, I physically experienced the change Bucky had from the Bucky I knew to the Winter Soldier. Everything human shut down. Everything went cold, went blank, there was no emotion, no feeling, no conscious, nothing but the process of doing harm. I saw him grip me and toss me to the floor. The anger erupted as the sound of Steve's call came across the icy environment, but there was still just barely a part of Bucky still there because he recognized what was happening, but I knew he wouldn't win out. The Winter Soldier would. I watched as I attempted to stand. I felt the sparks from the wall socket hit my skin and burn the hairs there as I pulled the tv from the stand, and threw it. I felt the volcano inside explode at the words: 

"Bucky, please..."

Then just like that, I was in the Winter Soldier's mind and the Winter Soldier alone. Bucky had been ultimately smudged out. I watched and I saw the hair pulling the scalp up as he had grabbed me and began to throw me against the wall. I watched as my head had met the wall with such force that I was immediately unconscious. I watched as we continued to tear the apartment down, destroying everything in our path. The next thing I felt was a pinch in my neck and everything went black.

BUCKY POV

___________

They kept her under for a while but all I wanted them to do was wake her because I was frightened by what she was dealing with in her sleep. I always suffered the worst nightmares, reliving all the terrible things I had done in my life, over, and over, and over. When Tony came into the picture, with his treatments, those nightmares were sometimes broken up by the happy time I had experienced with (Y/n), but not often. 

"Mr. Barnes," T'Challa quietly approached.

"Just call me Bucky," I replied. 

"Okay, Bucky. Look, we're going to keep her under for a little while longer while Shuri finishes up a concoction to help her. However, she'd like to start working with you."

"No. I appreciate it, but no. I want to make sure (Y/n) is okay first." T'Challa remained silent for a moment, debating his next words carefully.

"Mr...Bucky, you're not doing her any good sitting here stressing for her. We will do everything we can for her, I promise. If you're not going to accept any treatment at this time, at least please retreat to one of the prepared rooms we have for you and get some rest. Sitting here and torturing yourself helps no one. I promise that we will bring you to her as soon as there is a development." He sensed I was going to object once again. "My sister would like to return here and work some in the meantime but she doesn't let outsiders be present. She doesn't even allow me when she is working like this." He attempted humor to lighten the moment. I could sense myself giving in, mainly because I didn't want to inconvenience them after they were attempting to help her. I took a deep breath, stood, and walked to her. I leaned down, placing the lightest kiss I could to each eyelid before pulling the back of her hand gingerly to my lips. 

"I'll be right back. I'm here (Y/n). I'll leave whenever you want, but for now, I'm here and I love you. I'll be right back," I whispered to her. I returned to my full height, turning and finally facing T'Challa with bloodshot eyes. "Lead the way."

[rogue-barnes-16]

SECRETS (part IV/?)

Summary: Detectives James Barnes and Y/n Y/l/n never really got along, despite being partners for seven months. You could say they hated each other, however, when James’ past shows up threatening to break him all over again, the truth about their feelings comes to the surface.

Pairing: cop!Bucky Barnes x cop!Reader

Genre: angst-ish

Tags:

Secrets: @just-add-butter

Permanent taglist: @notexactlythatgirl @thisismysecrethappyplace @sofreakinmanyfandoms @pizzarollpatrol @bubblycypress87 @sinviix @loislp @lovenaturefirst @dyanna-corona @2ptonpt @goodnightmode @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @mannls @cutie1365 @catch22inareddress @mybooradley @sebastianisasnack @butifulsoul125

Warnings: psychological and slightly physical abuse, language, angst (probably some typos, since I wrote this in 2 hours)

A/N: I'm alive (surprisingly) yayy! Please, remember to reblog the fics, because you're making me a huge favor if you do. Enjoy this part of Secret (which, like I predicted, it's not the last one) <3

Rogue-barnes-16 masterlist (you'll find the rest of the parts here)

BUCKY'S P. O. V.

Since I had woken up earlier due to a nightmare, I went to the living room carrying some files to keep working on the case until Y/n woke up.

The past few days had been really good for the both of us. I would even dare to say that the hate had turned into some kind of friendship.

Okay, maybe it was more than friendship when it came to my feelings, but that wasn't anything new. Since day one I had felt something that drew me to her, however, I had never let those feelings grow any further for several reasons. During these days, though, Y/n somehow helped me to loosen up a little, which was enough for me to stop fighting what I felt.

The fact that, somehow, she was making me feel safer also helped me to be more confident about my feelings.

While I started to display the files, the extra time I had recently been spending with Y/n came to my thoughts, and with it, the question I had been asking myself for the past two days.

Did she liked me the way I liked her?

Sometimes —most of the times— our interactions would seem friendship-like, with, of course, our considerable amount of teasing.

But other times, the times we were all alone in her apartment, when we would stay up until late hours of the night, the way she acted towards me, the way she talked to me... it was almost as if she wanted something more than a friendship between us.

It was probably just my imagination, playing wicked games on me. Sigh. Even if it's true, I thought, what would you do? You can't do anything, I reminded myself. You're broken.

You're not ready.

You're not good enough.

She deserves better than-

A few angry knocks on the door made me come back to reality, a bit more tired, and a bit more hurt.

I took a couple of deep breaths to regain my composure again. It was amazing how a couple of thoughts crossing my mind could trigger all the insecurities Y/n had been helping me to overcome.

Another few knocks, this time stronger and quicker. "I'm coming" I announced, being careful not too be too loud, since Y/n was still asleep. I grabbed the knob to open the door, not even think about how odd was that someone came to visit at 5:40 am. "Wait a sec..."

Before I could even freeze due to the panic, Dot's hand slapped my face. After all this time keeping up with her, after all the abuse, retreating myself to a safer position was an action I did by inertia.

The thought of shutting the door for her not to enter hadn't even crossed my mind before I was backing out from her reach.

"how dare you?" she questioned, poison dripping from each one of her words. "you can't even wait until we're divorced, right?! First the damn lawsuit, then you cheat on me?!"

"H-how- why- what are-" words came out as a stuttering whisper since I wasn't able to form a single sentence "y-you can't be here"

"why? Are you gonna call the cops, baby?" I frowned and stepped back when she stalked towards me. "You're a cop, honey, if you didn't arrest me it's because no one is going to arrest me."

"what the-" I shut my mouth when she gave me a dead glare. "how did you get here? Who- you have to leave. Now."

"she's still here, isn't she?" Dot huffed, "that bitch is gonna get it" when she attempted to make her way to Y/n's bedroom, I didn't think twice before gripping her arm and tugging her back.

Dot gasped, probably not expecting the amount of strength I had just used to stop her. "don't get her into this"

"so it's true? You're cheating on me with that fucking. dumb. petty. bitch?" with each word, she pushed me back until my knees hit the edge of the couch and there was no way left, but to sit down.

"she's none of that." I managed to say, after gathering all the courage I was capable of when it came to the woman in front of me.

"And now you defend her?" she scoffed, letting out a dry laugh that sent shivers down my spine. "You're so desperate for some kind of affection, baby. It's pathetic" I sat there, trying to digest those words that seemed so real to me. "You're so damn stupid. She's probably just using you- I mean, have you looked at yourself?" she started to pace. "you really don't know what you did by dumping me, love. No one is going to love you. I gave you everything, goddammit! I gave you fucking everything!"

"Stop" I muttered, leaning over myself to rest my face over my palms "Stop it"

"after all I did to you, you're dumping me for some random slut. For a quick fuck" another dry laugh. "YOU'RE SOMEONE BECAUSE I DECIDED TO GIVE YOU THAT PRIVILEGE!"

"I'm gonna say it once" I thought I had imagined it, so I didn't look up the first time Y/n spoke, more like growled. "I'm not even gonna ask how did you get here. Just get the fuck out of my damn house"

"And the slut's here" it was then that I lifted my gaze to stare at Y/n, who looked like we had shaken her awake —we probably did—. "I'm leaving when I finish talking with-" In a swift movement, Y/n had her gun aimed at Dot. "woah woah woah- I can sue you for this" the latter stated, visibly nervous. "are you gonna fucking shoot me?"

"get out" when Y/n spoke again, I tensed. "before I solve this problem with a bullet in your skull"

Dot hesitated for a moment before speaking again, using with Y/n the same tone she used to use with me. "You're not gonna shoot, you fucking crazy bitch"

The problem was that it wasn't me.

It was Y/n. A really, really mad Y/n.

Dot gasped when Y/n, without breaking eye contact with her, deflected her gun to the side and shot.

"Did I fuckin' stutter?" Y/n asked, calmed and collected. "Leave. Now"

After a few seconds that seemed a thousand years to me, Dot gathered her bag and jacket before turning to me. "we're not finished yet"

All from sudden, Y/n was in front of me, grabbing Dot's arm and dragging her away "yeah you are"

READER'S P. O. V.

"I don't want to see you near him ever again" I hissed, dragging the woman to the front door.

"what are you gonna do if I do, detective?" She taunted.

"let's say" I opened the door and, instead of leaving her in the landing, I kept dragging her downstairs "I don't mind going to jail if I know you're gone for good" before she could speak, I threw her to the lobby and went back upstairs.

"how the fuck did she get my direction?" I asked rhetorically, entering into my apartment, where I had left Bucky. "She's fuckin' nuts" when he didn't answer anything, I turned around to check on him, just to see his eyes red. "Hey..."

"I'm sorry"

"what- no!" I wouldn't have realized I had yelled if not for Bucky’s flinch. "this isn't your fault, don't be sorry, okay?"

"I just-" his voice faded, and instead, he took a deep, shaky breath. "I don't know what- I mean- she w- I-I'm sorry"

I made my way to Bucky, careful not to startle him, and I crouched in front of him. I took a moment to check on him before slowly placing one of my hands over his. "this is what we're gonna do" I whispered, as tender as possible. "you come back to bed and try to rest. I'll call sick at work for you."

That made his gaze shoot up at me, panic written all over his face. "nonononono don't-"

"Listen, you gotta rest," I replied, stopping him before he could get up. "and you gotta calm down."

"don't Y/n for fucks sake don't leave me here" he tried to get up again. I could practically hear his heart stammering against his chest. "what if she comes back?"

"she's no-"

"you don't know that!"

The terror in his voice broke me more than I expected it to do it. "Okay... Okay, what about this" I got up, not letting go of his hand. "we both go back to sleep. I'll call Steve- Steve knows, doesn't he?" Bucky nodded. "Okay, I'll call Steve and I'll tell him we'll be late to work because you need to rest"

After a second, Bucky nodded again and followed me to the bedroom. "don't leave without me, 'kay?"

"I won't, I promise" I replied, squeezing his hand.

[mobprincessdani]

text || Dani & Rachel

Rachel: [https://mobprincessdani.tumblr.com/post/190563355061/sms-rachel-dani]

Dani: Hey there cutie

Rachel: Do you work tomorrow night?

Dani: Depends, does it benefit me if I am?

Rachel: I would say so. You’d get to see me 🙂

Dani: Yeah, I am. I work most nights. Unless my uncle starts thinking I'm working too much, then he forbids me from it.

Rachel: I’m glad you have him to make you step back once and a while.

Rachel: Friday’s my usual pizza day.

Dani: It's annoying, mostly. He just gets worried if he thinks I'm ignoring my school work for actual work.

Dani: I'll keep that in mind.

Rachel: Never be annoyed by people caring for you.

Dani: They're overprotective. Which, while appreciated, is also very annoying.

Rachel: They have reason to be, Dani.

Dani: I take care of myself just fine.

Rachel: I wasn’t trying to question that.

Dani: They act like they haven't taught me to fight or shoot a gun or manage my time and energy.

Rachel: They love you.

Dani: I know they do.

Rachel: Are you into weird sex things?

Dani: Define weird

Rachel: I guess anything that isn’t vanilla.

Dani: There are different levels of kink but, overall, I'm pretty open

Rachel: Cool. A lot of people online had been into pretty kinky things.

Dani: I have had some very interesting things offered to me, for sure. And have agreed to some of them, though didn't necessarily enjoy them.

Rachel: Do I get to hear the ones you did enjoy?

Dani: Maybe one day.

Dani: What about you? What are you into?

Rachel: I have an idea but I haven’t exactly explored.

Dani: Tell me?

Rachel: Well, biting. Blind folds maybe. Choking.

Rachel: I’m telling you that as a friend.

Dani: Biting is fun. Never been on the receiving end of the other two, but they're fun to do to other people.

Rachel: It seems so sensual to have to rely on your senses.

Dani: It's quite the exercise in trust, as well.

Rachel: Trust is hard for me to give, I think.

Dani: It's certainly not something to take lightly.

Rachel: You’re right.

Dani: I've only done them once or twice. But that's what happens when someone just wants you for you money

Rachel: Do you want to have a girlfriend one day?

Dani: I had one, when I was younger. We were in high school, her family moved out of state and I took the breakup hard. Not a lot of people knew her family moved, so it was rumored that my father had her and/or her family killed for breaking up with me.

Dani: I haven't had one since and I do want one but the rumors scare people off.

Rachel: How ignorant.

Rachel: I’m sorry it can’t be so simple.

Dani: It sucks, honestly.

Dani: My little sister has it worse, though. She has to deal with the general family rumors and then the ones about me.

Rachel: There are that many?

Dani: The mob ties are well known but not provable. So, yes.

Rachel: I’m not scared off easy.

Dani: I hope so.

Rachel: I’m also not a liar.

Rachel: I don’t say things I don’t mean.

Dani: I don't doubt you are, but sometimes circumstances change.

Rachel: They’re about to change, aren’t they?

Dani: They could. The closer we get, no matter the context, the rumors will come back to you.

Rachel: I crave attention. You may not know that about me.

Dani: Yeah, but attention from people because you might have ties to the mob, is not good.

Rachel: Any attention is better than none.

Dani: Not when it can get you hurt.

Rachel: Can’t I flip that around on you?

Dani: I was born into this life. I was taught how to deal with the rumors and I was taught how to defend myself. If rumors and lies exist like webs, my family are spiders. Unfortunately, that turns a lot of innocent people into prey, even if we're not the ones doing the preying.

Dani: Guess we'll just have to see which you are, spider, prey, or something bigger.

Rachel: What could possibly be bigger than a spider?

Rachel: Will I be seeing you this evening?

Dani: Literally most things, to be fair.

Dani: You should be, yeah.

Rachel: I fear finding out could mean we aren’t meant to be friends.

Rachel: I’ve scheduled some open houses.

Dani: Being big enough to break through the excess webbing isn't always a bad thing. As long as you leave the spider unharmed.

Dani: Oh? That's good.

Rachel: I’d never harm a spider.

Rachel: I feel like you should come with me.

Dani: Can't tell if that's foolish of you or not.

Dani: I certainly can, provided I don't have class.

Rachel: I get to decide that.

Rachel: Next weekend.

Dani: Is that so?

Dani: I can be there, just not like hella early. One of my cousins is coming in and my uncle wants me to entertain him, so I agreed to that, which means a likely hangover.

Rachel: Of course it’s so.

Rachel: That sounds like fun.

Dani: Dude isn't bad and he pays for my drinks, but he mixes them strong while we watch movies and somehow always end up watching porn. Which is weird, because we both end up awkwardly heading to bed to get ourselves off. Just to come back and watch more movies with more alcohol until we somehow hit porn again.

Dani: We have a weird relationship.

Rachel: That’s a lot of information.

Dani: Consider it a heads up, cos I have a very fun habit of drunk texting.

Rachel: You’d think about me completely obliterated?

Dani: I kinda just default to whoever I've been texting most at the time.

Rachel: That could change.

Dani: I doubt it

Rachel: I like that reassurance.

Rachel: You’re the only person I’m texting. Mostly.

Dani: Outside of family and like classmates, you're basically it for me.

Rachel: I think some may consider that lame.

Dani: I don't have friends, remember?

Rachel: You have me.

Dani: I meant besides you

Rachel: Right. I’m glad you didn’t forget.

Dani: Kinda hard to

Rachel: Because I’m unforgettable? 😛

Dani: Because we're texting, dork

Rachel: I’m no such thing, Dani.

Dani: Mmhmm, sure

Rachel: 😮

Dani: What?

Rachel: Well, it’s not the meanest thing I’ve been called

Dani: I meant no offense, darling

Rachel: I’m glad.

Dani: So, what're you up to?

Rachel: Research mostly. Preparing for some auditions I have going on tomorrow.

Dani: What kind of research?

Rachel: Research about sex and things.

Dani: Oh? Cool. Learn anything fun?

Rachel: No, not fun.

Dani: No?

Rachel: I just seem to find it more daunting the more I read.

Dani: Sex or kink?

Rachel: Sex.

Dani: Oh.

Rachel: Weren’t expecting that?

Dani: Not really, no.

Rachel: I’m full of surprises.

Dani: I guess you are.

Rachel: I’m quite thankful you messaged me when you did.

Rachel: I was ready to just give myself away.

Dani: I was honestly a little surprised, when I saw your profile.

Dani: There are some NASTY fuckers on that site, too.

Rachel: I figured I’d be able to handle the nasty.

Rachel: I’m a little desperate. I have nothing else to offer.

Dani: Like, I'm into some shit but some of the stuff I've been told about people asking for... not the kind of thing you want your first time to include. Not even the kind of stuff you'd want your... 50th time. Like, no fault to those who like it, but... yikes.

Rachel: I was hoping I could find someone reasonable.

Rachel: But I can handle anything.

Rachel: I know that I want things that are more than vanilla. I can’t know what if I haven’t tried.

Dani: Yeah, but getting into it with someone who wants a very specific kind of kink and finding out it's not the thing you're into can get weird. Or so I've heard.

Rachel: If the money was good enough.

Rachel: But it doesn’t matter.

Dani: I'm definitely glad I was the one to find you, now more so than before.

Rachel: I hope that I will be worth it.

Dani: You already are, dork.

Rachel: You say that.

Dani: And it won't change.

Rachel: I have no reason to think you’re lying to me.

Dani: And you shouldn't, because I'm not.

Rachel: I quite fancy the place with the window seat.

Dani: Window seats are the bomb.

Rachel: Ha!

Rachel: I’d have to agree.

Dani: There's really nice bay window with one at my parent's house and I used to sit there and play guitar for hours on rainy days.

Rachel: That sounds really wonderful. I bet they loved it.

Dani: I'm sure I annoyed them when I hit my teen angst phase and was only playing like really depressing rock songs, but other than that, probably

Rachel: The fact you’d still share yourself like that is incredible.

Dani: It's my favorite spot in the house

Rachel: I hope to see it one day.

Rachel: In pictures of course

Dani: I mean, I doubt mother would mind if I came for a visit and brought a friend. IF you ever wanted to see it in more than pictures.

Rachel: Is that what friends do?

Dani: Does it stop being things friends do when you graduate high school or something?

Rachel: I didn’t have many friends in high school lol

Dani: Really? You certainly are full of surprises

Rachel: I was part of many groups and clubs and there were some people who had a certain fondness for me but it was never really...more than surface level.

Dani: Huh, interesting

Rachel: Sure.

Dani: What?

Rachel: I don’t think it should come off as surprising. I’m a lot. I’m different. It’s what makes me special and what is going to help me on my way to stardom.

Dani: But you're not? A lot, I mean. I've got cousins fifty times more dramatic and a hundred times harder to handle and they're fucking popular as hell.

Dani: It just doesn't make sense to me.

Rachel: I grew up in Ohio.

Rachel: I’m also competitive to a fault.

Dani: Ohio kinda explains it, I guess

Rachel: It’s never felt important to have friends before

Dani: I guess that makes sense

Rachel: I’ll keep you

Dani: I'm glad

Rachel: I should be asleep

Dani: So should I, but I haven't even left the shop. Something went down and father didn't want me heading home alone but still hasn't managed to find someone to escort me there.

Dani: Like, I have a gun, I know how to use it, I'll be fine in an uber.

Rachel: Like a big strong tough guy?

Dani: Usually, yeah.

Rachel: I don’t know any of those lol

Dani: I'm related to entirely too many of them

Rachel: You’ll have to introduce me

Dani: No

Rachel: Okay.

Dani: I just don't want you getting more mixed up in my family business than you need to

Rachel: Understood

Dani: I'm literally about to say fuck it and call an uber anyway

Rachel: I trust you’d only do that if you were completely certain you are safe. So do it!

Dani: Honestly, I just want to go home. Like, they won't even tell me what fucking happened. So it's like, I'm supposed to be scared or worried but mostly I'm just fucking annoyed

Rachel: Go home!

Dani: I'll text you when I get there. I have to go fight with a man about letting me go home.

Rachel: Promise?

[5 am]

Dani: remind me to NEVER try and argue with my father.

Dani: I'm home, by the way.

Rachel: Thank goodness! I was worried.

Dani: Please tell me one of us got sleep

Rachel: I slept!

Dani: I didn't wake you

Rachel: No. you had impeccable timing.

Dani: That's good

Rachel: I wake up at 5 most days.

Rachel: Have you slept yet?

Dani: Fair enough

Dani: No. But I'm gonna try soon. Had some business to attend to after last night.

Rachel: Business? Are you going to keep it so vague?

[later]

Dani: Yep.

Dani: Ugh, did not get enough sleep. But there are things I must do.

Rachel: What things?

Dani: Things with my father.

Rachel: My auditions went well today.

Dani: That's good, I'm glad to hear it.

[yurtletheturtlehenderson]

COSMIC - S1:E5; Chapter Five, The Flea and The Acrobat - [Pt. 4 - FINAL]

A Will Byers x Gender Neutral!Reader Series

𝘏𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘴 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘢𝘣 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘺 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘴 𝘔𝘳. 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘭 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘥𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯.

||𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑'𝐒 𝐏𝐎𝐕||

With Dustin in the lead, we found ourselves stopped atop a hill, at what I assume is a scrapyard. Old vehicles like abandoned cars and buses scattered around the area.

Dustin came to a stop and looked around.

"Oh, no." He muttered.

"'Oh, no'? What's, 'Oh, no'?" Lucas asked in a panicked tone.

Dustin turned around to look at us.

"We're headed back home."

"What?" Even Mike seemed to be frustrated.

"Dustin, are you sure?" I ask, irritation and exhaustion creeping up on me.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Setting sun, right there." He pointed past us in the direction of the sky. "We looped right back around."

I sighed, shifting on my feet as I run a hand down my face.

"And you're just realizing this now?" Lucas snapped.

"Why is this all on me?"

"Because you're the compass genius!"

"What do yours say?"

We all checked our compasses, mine was wobbly but nevertheless, pointing North.

Lucas, Mike and I all spoke at once.

"North."

We all sighed, and Dustin began slowly pacing, looking off into the distance deep in thought.

"Makes no damn sense."

"Maybe the gate moved," Mike offered.

"No, I don't think it's the gate." Dustin began looking all around us. "I think it's something else screwing with the compasses."

"Maybe it's something here?"

As Mike spoke, I didn't fail to notice the look that crossed Lucas's face as he slowly turned to face El.

"No, it has to be like a super magnet." Dustin replied.

Lucas rose his hand and began pointing at El accusingly. "It's not a magnet. She's been acting weirder than normal. If she can slam doors with her mind, she can definitely screw up a compass."

El stood rooted in place, a look of guilt and fear in her eyes.

"Why would she do that?" Mike snapped.

"Because she's trying to sabotage our mission. Because she's a traitor!"

As much as I hated to admit it to myself, it was the only logical explanation we had. It could be all too easy for her to screw with our compasses after what she showed herself capable of.

I shook my head, ridding myself of the conclusions my brain wanted to jump to.

"Lucas, come on. Think about what you're saying. Why would-" I rested a gentle hand on Lucas's shoulder to try and calm him down, only for him to rip his arm from my touch.

"Enough, Y/n! I'm so sick of you defending her! You of all people should be more worried for Will."

"I am!" I snapped, feeling the anger, fear and confusion of all I've been carrying the past few days shoot up to the surface unexpectedly.

I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself. "Just... Please. Hear her out."

Lucas never met my eye and only stomped towards the poor girl intimidatingly.

"Lucas, what are you doing?" Mike asked, following behind Lucas worriedly.

"You did it, didn't you? You don't want us to reach the gate. You don't want us to find Will." Lucas was in her face by now, and it as if the poor girl was on the verge of tears.

Dustin and I were toe in toe with the others and I walked up to Lucas, ready in case he decided to something rash.

Mike seemed to have the same idea.

"Lucas, come on, seriously, just leave her alone!"

"Admit it." Lucas spit.

"No." El muttered.

"Admit it!" We all jumped when Lucas began screaming.

He grabbed her right arm and examined her sleeve. There was a streak of shiny dark crimson on her sleeve.

Lucas swatted away her arm in disgust and frustration at the sight.

"Fresh blood. I knew it."

Dustin and I watched speechless as the boys began fighting.

"Lucas, come on!"

"I saw her wiping her nose on the tracks! She was using her powers!"

"Bull! That's old blood. Right, El?"

We all whipped our heads to El, waiting for her response.

At this point, she was fighting back tears, and her breath hitched.

"Right, El?" Mike asked again, less confident.

She began sobbing as she choked out her words.

"It's... not... it's not safe."

My stomach plunged as Dustin and I shared a look of worry and shock.

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

"What did I tell you? She's been playing us from the beginning!"

Lucas and Mike seemed to be having it out now and they wouldn't stop despite the many protests from either Dustin or I. My body seemed to have shut down, staring helplessly as my two best friends fight, at a complete loss for words from shock and knowing my words will make no difference.

"That's not true. She helped us find Will!"

"Find Will? Find Will? Where is he, then? Huh? I don't see him."

"Yeah, you know what I mean,"

"No, I actually don't. Just think about it, Mike. She could have just told us where the Upside Down was right away, but she didn't. She just made us run around like headless chickens."

With every word my body was feeling more and more on edge, my anxiety set in as I felt uncomfortable in my own skin at my friend's tearing each other apart. I started shifting back and forth, my hands rubbing the back of my neck.

Either Dustin noticed this, or he was sick of the fighting as well - or both for that matter - he stomped towards the boys and intervened.

"All right, calm down!"

"No! She used us, all of us! She helped just enough so she could get what she wants. Food and a bed. She's like a stray dog."

"Screw you, Lucas!"

"No! Screw you, Mike. You're blind... blind because you like that a girl's not grossed out by you. But wake up, man! Wake the hell up! She knows where Will is, and now she's just letting him die in the Upside Down."

"Shut up!"

"For all we know, it's her fault."

"Shut up."

"We're looking for some stupid monster... but did you ever stop to think that maybe she's the monster?"

'I don't want to believe it. I don't want to believe that El is the monster. I don't want my best friend to be missing, I don't want my friends to fight all the time. But at the same time, I can't afford to dismiss the possibility that maybe Lucas had a point. Not about her being a monster. No, that I refuse to believe, but her having something to do with everything that's been going on.'

What came next was a blur.

Mike couldn't take it anymore and lunged at Lucas, the boys toppled to the ground and began wrestling in the dirt. Dustin, El and I screaming at the top of our lungs for them to stop.

I looked to Dustin and El and back at the fighting boys. I ran to them attempting to pry Lucas off of Mike in a panic, knowing there was a big chance I'd get hit. But I didn't care and I couldn't stand by and do nothing.

"Enough! Please, stop! Just-"

I closed my eyes as I saw the blur of Lucas's hand strike me accidentally as he swung his arm back, ready to punch Mike. I felt the back of his fist collide with my nose and I fell back with a painful yelp.

I heard a shrill shriek and opened my eyes in time to see Lucas fly backward in the air about five feet and slide into an abandoned car door, lying unconscious.

I looked to Lucas in horror and ran to him, not caring about my gushing nose.

I dive in front of Lucas, trying to shake him awake.

The boys were right behind me.

"Lucas! Lucas, wake up! Lucas."

Nothing. I checked his head for injuries, my hand never leaving him as I look over my shoulder at El, horrified.

"What did you do?"

El stood rooted to the ground, sobs wracking her body as blood dripped down her nose. I could tell the guilty look in her eyes was genuine but I didn't have time to feel bad for her right now.

Lucas was my main priority. I turned my attention back to my friend.

Dustin and Mike were just as panicked as I was.

"Come on, wake up. Come on!" Dustin yelled.

"Come on, man. Lucas?" Mike muttered worriedly.

"Lucas? Lucas, come on!" I sniffled, weakly shaking him.

To my tremendous relief, Lucas slowly came to with a groan and his eyes fluttered open.

The three of us chuckled and laughed in relief. The weight in my lungs and heart were lifted at the sight

"Lucas." Mike let out in a shaky breath.

Lucas slowly sat up and blinked a few times, processing what just happened.

"Lucas, you okay?" Mike asked.

There was no response from our friend.

Dustin spoke up shakily as he held up three fingers.

"Lucas... Lucas, how many fingers am I holding up? Lucas, how many fingers?"

Mike began reaching forward towards Lucas's head, already one step ahead of me.

"Let me see your head." He offered gently, he was cut short went Lucas angrily shoved Mike's hand away.

"Get off of me!" He grunted, struggling to stand up.

"Lucas, come on, you could be hurt. Let us help." I try, my voice soft reaching for his shoulder.

He pushed my arm away in anger as he stood up, storming past me.

"I said, get off of me!" I detected a hint of fear in his voice this time and less anger, making me more sympathetic than angry at him.

Mike began to chase after him but Dustin and I seem to have the same thought as we both caught each of his arms

"Let him go."

I watched sorrowfully as my friend left without us.

"Man, let him go."

We all shared a somber silence when suddenly Mike spoke up.

"Where is El?"

I looked to where she had been standing previously only to find no one else in sight.

Mike's breathing increased and he began shouting for her.

"El! El!"

"Eleven!" Dustin had joined in.

I stood frozen, my voice failing me. I looked around me as hopelessness sunk in and solidified into guilt. The icy wind whipped my collar as the desperate voices of my friends was lost to the wind.

She was gone.