#like honestly even my dad acknowledged that some of the prints were actually cute and neat

[wearily-confused]

SO

I... Acknowledge that I am a hoarder

BUT

That does not mean you can just walk in and tear apart all my pages and throw them away, they are important! to me I have emotional attachment™ to them!!!

[jayeray-hq]

Deck the Halls

This is a re-post! I kind of wondered why this post got almost no notes, especially since you guys really seemed to like my How He Shows You Affection: Tsukishima version, the fact that it doesn’t show up in tags answered that I guess. I hope you enjoy it, even it we’re well after Christmas now 😭😭😭. Notes: 4

Warnings: None all Fluff

Character Masterlist

My part of the secret Santa collab for the Haikyuhagakure server! I had Rue-Rue @animeanxiety​ happy holidays and I hope you enjoy it!

Also quick but also huge thanks to everyone who looked this over for me you’re all amazing and I couldn’t have done it without you!

   “So where do we start?” you asked your boyfriend cheerfully, eying the boxes scattered around the room, nearly bouncing with excitement.

            “Anywhere is fine,” Tsukishima told you decidedly less thrilled than you were at the prospect of the task in front of you, “You know you don’t actually have to help with this right?”

           “But I want to help,” you told him honestly, “It will be fun.”

            He gave you an incredibly dubious look at that, but you were completely undeterred, “Come on Kei, where’s your Christmas spirit?”

             “Upstairs sleeping, the way I wanted to be,” he retorted with a huff, folding his arms across his chest.

             “It’s not that early,” you told him rolling your eyes at his petulance, gently tugging at his arms until he caved and unfolded them for you, twining your hands with his and peering up into his face as you scolded, “Don’t be a Grinch Kei, come on let’s have a little fun at least.”

             “Just what is so fun about Christmas Decorating?” he asked you a put-upon sigh, “It’s a whole lot of work to put it up, and then a whole lot of work to take down again.”

             “It gets you in the mood, the festive spirit,” you answered immediately ignoring the way he rolled his eyes and pressing on, “Besides it could be worse right? You could have to do this all by yourself, but instead you have me here to help you.”

             Tsukishima huffed at that, but didn’t argue, which you knew meant that you’d won. Honestly, you’d been looking forward to today a lot, having your boyfriend’s family invite you over to partake in their family Christmas traditions meant a lot to you. Apparently, his dad was American which meant they did a few different things and believed the holiday revolved more around family than it did around romance like most believed in Japan.

 That you’d been invited made you feel giddy and warm because it made your relationship seem that much more real and serious. Tsukishima wasn’t one to be overt in how he felt, but despite that you could tell this was something big and important.

 You really wanted to make a good impression on the rest of his family too. You hadn’t met them more than a handful of times, your relationship still fairly new, but you hoped they liked you. They’d certainly seemed welcoming, and even now his mom was actually in the kitchen, baking up a storm, including Christmas cookies that the kind older woman had assured you she was looking forward to having you try. The whole house smelled like warm cinnamon and pine needles from her baking and the tree, and it was incredibly pleasant. Now if only you could get your boyfriend into the Christmas spirit.

 “Oy,” he called, diverting your attention as he gently poked you in the forehead, “Don’t think so hard or you’ll combust. Come on, we’ll start with the lights.”

 “Okay,” you agreed as you beamed unable to help yourself, excited to get started and that he was finally showing some initiative. He scoffed and looked away from you, but you could see the faintest pink tinge to his cheeks, one that made your heart feel warm.

             “Oh! Do you have something we can play music on?” you asked, suddenly, reminded of something else that would add to the festive mood that you hoped your boyfriend would enjoy. The look he gave you told you exactly what he thought of such a ridiculous question, but he did show you where you could hook up your iPod.

             “You better not be playing any of the annoying Christmas carols, shortcake,” he warned firmly as you got things set up, though the warning was softened by the nickname he’d christened you with shortly after you’d started dating, the one that never failed to make you melt despite its teasing nature.

             “Would I do that to you?” you asked him innocently, earning a scoff in return that made you giggle, “Don’t worry Kei, I think you’ll like this.”

     ��       He raised an eyebrow but didn’t object as you hit play, the upbeat synthetic tones of Manheim Steamroller’s Christmas album playing throughout the living room. Your boyfriend cocked his head for a minute, listening before nodding in acknowledgment, and gestured for you to follow him over to the tree that was set up neatly in one corner of the room. It was the only gesture of approval you were going to get, but it made you happy all the same, well aware he would’ve told you flat out if he hated it.

             Together the two of you worked together to put the lights up around the tree passing the cord back and forth as you hummed along with the music, earning an amused look from Tsukishima, though he didn’t comment for once.

             Once you had the lights on the two of you set to work getting the ornaments on. Tsukishima wasn’t all that enthusiastic, letting you do most of the work, even as he threw in the occasional snarky comment, and smirked at you when you weren’t able to reach the very top branches of the tree to decorate.

             “Hey looking good!” the comment distracted you from trying to hang your ornament and you nearly dropped it, bobbling it a bit before letting out a breath of relief once you had it safely in your hands again.

             “Ni-san,” your boyfriend acknowledged, looking a bit disgruntled at the new arrival, “Weren’t you supposed to be decorating outside?”

             “I finished,” Akiteru told him cheerfully clearly undaunted by his younger brother’s disapproval, “And I figured I’d come in and see how the two of you were doing.”

             “You mean mom kicked you out of the kitchen for snitching cookies, so you decided to come bother us,” your Kei sighed looking incredibly put upon.

             “You caught me,” His brother admitted with a sheepish laugh, completely unbothered by the accusation. “Looks like you could use a hand though, you haven’t even put up the fun decorations yet.”

             “Fun decorations?” you repeated curiously. Honestly, you’d just been following your boyfriend’s directives up until this point, letting him show you which boxes to grab things from and hanging ornaments where you thought they looked nice.

             “No,” Kei said his tone completely and utterly flat, though you could see the faintest tinge of pink on his cheeks, “This looks fine, there’s no need for more.”

             “Come on little brother,” Akiteru teased with a wide grin, “You can’t go leaving out the sentimental ornaments. They’re cute, and I’m sure your girlfriend would love to see them.”

             Both of them turned to look at you, and you couldn’t help the sheepish look you gave your boyfriend, unable to help your curiosity and clearly conveying that you very much would like to see them. He heaved an enormous sigh looking extremely put upon, but in the end,  he conceded to the pleading eyes you were sending him.

             You immediately bounded over to him and Akiteru who was absolutely delighted to share all kinds of stories, though your boyfriend was more than happy to pay him back in kind with what stories he knew about his brother.

             They both had several of the usual ornaments they’d both made as kids in class to give to their parents, along with a very cute baby hand and foot print set in plaster for each of them. However, the best were some of the ones your boyfriend had given his brother, most of which said things like Ni-san is the best, much to Kei’s complete and utter mortification, though he refused to respond to Akiteru’s teasing about it.

             The boys both had ornament collections too, ones that their parents bought for them each year. Akiteru’s were all different trains, something he’d apparently been fascinated with as a child, and your boyfriend’s were all dinosaurs. Some of them were more on the cool side, clearly from later years, but the ones from when he was a child were all cute, a little cartoon t-rex with a Santa hat. Apparently, his favorite had been a flying dinosaur that apparently your boyfriend had insisted was named after him when he was little, the Ar-Kei-Opteryrx, which you couldn’t help but find completely and utterly adorable much to his mortification.

             “Does the team know about the Ar-Kei-Opteryx?” you asked during a brief interlude when Akiteru had been called away by their mother to help with something in the kitchen, unable to help the giggles that spilled from your lips as you asked, thrilled that you’d actually managed to get something like blackmail on your normally cool and composed boyfriend.

             “No, and they’re not going to find out either,” he warned you firmly, giving you a thoroughly displeased look.

             “I won’t tell,” you promised sincerely, “Your secret is safe with me, even if it was really cute.”

             “Whatever,” he brushed off, his tone and face indifferent, but his red ears and neck telling a completely different story.

             You grinned feeling light and happy, as you finished putting the last ornament on the tree, and stepped back to admire your work. It looked nice, and you couldn’t help but feel rather proud of your work. Until you realized rather abruptly that something was missing.

             “Ah, do you have a topper?” you asked, surprised you’d forgotten what was essentially the pièce de résistance of a Christmas tree.

             “Here,” he told you, casually unboxing a rather gorgeous moon and star topper and passing it to you. You accepted the pretty piece gingerly, admiring it and the way it caught the light.

             “It’s really fitting for your family,” you told him, partly amused and partly awed at decoration in your hands.

             “I suppose so,” he told you with a careless shrug, before ordering, “Go put it on.”

             You moved to do as he said only to belatedly realize there was no way you were going to be able to do so, the tree far too tall. That and you didn’t want to risk breaking any of the ornaments. You turned to him, unable to keep the slight pout off your face, earning an amused huff from your boyfriend.

             “You really are a shortcake, shortcake,” he teased with a smirk.

             “Kei, help please,” you begged, giving him the best puppy dog look you could muster, well aware he was a bit of a sucker for it, even if he would pretend otherwise.

             “Helpless shortcake,” he drawled, clearly amused, though he did move to a hall closet to pull out a small step ladder for you, bringing it over for you to use. Much to your surprise he didn’t move away once he set it up, lingering close, his hands hovering over your waist, not quite touching but close enough you could almost feel the warmth of them through your shirt as he made sure you didn’t topple over on accident.

             Carefully you placed the moon topper on the tree, ensuring it wouldn’t fall, and was nice and sturdy before turning to smile down at your boyfriend, feeling warm and accomplished. He huffed, but you could see the tiniest of smiles hovering by his lips as he carefully helped you down from the step ladder.

             “Wow, you must really like her, little brother,” Akiteru teased, announcing his presence once you were safely down on the ground again, which you were immensely thankful for as his sudden reappearance made you squeak in surprise.

             “Ni-san…” Kei tried to interject, only to be overridden as Akiteru continued.

             “He’s been the one to put the topper on, and insistent about doing it himself since he was about ten I think. You must be pretty special for him to surrender the privilege,” he declared with a pleased grin.

             “Really Kei?” you asked feeling both warmed by the idea and a little contrite, “you could’ve done it. I wouldn’t have minded!”

             “Tch,” your boyfriend clicked his tongue and turned away from the two of you, but he didn’t protest or deny it, instead brushing off the rather sweet gesture, “You wanted to, and it’s not that big a deal.”

             “You’re the best Kei,” you told him sincerely, seeing right through him, “Thanks.”

             “You’re too easy to please shortcake,” he told you teasingly, shaking his head in faux disappointment, though you could tell he was actually rather pleased himself.

             “Anyway, mom sent me to get you guys,” Akiteru informed the two of you, glancing between you with a content smile on his face, and something that looked a bit like mischief dancing in his eyes, “She wants our help decorating cookies.”

             Apparently, you weren’t the only one to see it either, given the extremely suspicious look your boyfriend shot his brother, but the two of you still followed obediently after him into the kitchen. It smelled absolutely wonderful, like sugar, vanilla, and cinnamon, enough to make your mouth water.

             “You’re just in time,” his mother informed you, offering you both a sweet smile, “Come on over and we’ll get started.”

             “Wait!” Akiteru protested immediately from his spot on the opposite side of the kitchen, where he was leaning against the counter. His golden eyes, so similar to your boyfriend’s and yet completely different at the same time were gleaming with mischief as the two of you both froze in your tracks, surprised by the outburst.

             “You’re forgetting something,” he informed the two of you rather smugly.

             You glanced at your boyfriend, completely puzzled over what he might be talking about. Kei however looked just as puzzled as you did, right up until Akiteru pointed up. Both of you followed his finger, only to find a clump of very familiar berries hanging above your heads, mistletoe. You immediately looked to your boyfriend, a faint blush on your cheeks at the implication only to find him glaring at his brother.

             “You set us up,” he pointed out flatly.

             “Come on little brother, it’s tradition! Don’t you want to give your girlfriend a smooch?” Akiteru teased, their mother watching on with an amused smile.

             “No,” your boyfriend snapped immediately, making your heart sink in your chest, a little stung by his quick and fierce rejection, “Not in front of you.”

             “Too shy huh?” Akiteru asked faux sympathetic, though you noted he did cast you a quick apologetic glance, “That’s fine! Guess I’ll just have to kiss her for you then.”

             Before you could protest that you would very much like a say in this, and didn’t particularly want a kiss from your boyfriend’s older brother you found your face held carefully between Kei’s large hands. You blinked up at him surprised, as he searched you for any sign of rejection. Finding none he dipped his head and pressed a quick, sweet, surprisingly gentle kiss to the corner of your mouth before pulling away abruptly and reaching up to yank the mistletoe off the door frame.

             “There,” he informed his brother snidely, the sharpness of his words a contrast to the enormous blush on his face as he threw the decoration at Akiteru who caught it, looking a little surprised but entirely amused, “Now keep your stupid mistletoe to yourself and stay away from my girlfriend.”

             “Alright,” his brother conceded as you blushed up a storm, a little shocked that he’d actually done it, and in front of his brother and mom too. Trying not to spontaneously combust as Akiteru fluttered a sly wink in your direction, you realized he’d egged his brother on on purpose. He had no intention of actually trying to kiss you, shooting your impression of him as the nicer of the two brothers all to pieces, “I won’t kiss your cute girlfriend little brother don’t worry.”

             Whatever he might’ve said in response to that was interrupted by the sound of the front door opening and a call that let you know the last member of the Tsukishima family was home, followed by an exclamation of how nice everything looked.   

 “Did I miss something?” Kei’s dad asked hesitantly as he popped into the kitchen, glancing suspiciously between his two sons and your face, which was still berry red. Of the two Tsukishima parents he was definitely more like your boyfriend from what you’d seen, highly intelligent and calculating. It made him an excellent businessman, and also according to your boyfriend, meant he always knew when he or Akiteru got into mischief.

 “Welcome home dear,” his mother greeted, effectively distracting the man and saving you all from having to explain what had happened, “We’re just about to start on decorating Christmas cookies.”

 “Sounds good,” he told her as he smiled affectionately at her, the look in his eyes making it very clear how much he cared about her, and making you want to swoon at how cute that was. Clearly going along with her and not asking.

 The group of you quickly settled in, to make your cookies, your boyfriend not bothering to do all that much, spending far too much time on every cookie and Akiteru snitching several of them before they could be properly iced. He still occasionally teased the two of you as you worked, right up until Kei started firing back asking where Akiteru’s girlfriend was. It was a bit chaotic, but as Kei slipped a sly arm around the back of your chair you couldn’t help but feel warm and glad. Quietly you wondered if he’d be willing to participate in some of your own holiday traditions, feeling giddy and joyful as you looked at him and hoped there would be many more years to come of celebrating together.

 Bonus Scene:

[i-write-shakespeare-not-disney]

Director’s Commentary- Lovesick Addiction, Keith joins Lance in church as he mourns

My commentary is in bold italics- I hope it’s okay I focused on the shoebox because the whole church scene was like... 6 pages and half of it was crying....

Keith chewed on his lower lip for a second before nodding. “I want to be here with you.” I’m gonna be honest. I know I’ve gotten feedback on the realism of Lance’s mourning, but I have no idea how realistic I made Keith as a partner who is also becoming part of it. I don’t actually know how hard it may have been for Keith to sit there and open the shoe box with Lance, but I like to think that although it is a bit uncomfortable, the jealousy is gone and it’s something Keith does want to actively be part of with Lance out of love for him. Which is why I made him stay even in the midst of Lance’s mourning period and after so long without hearing from Lance.

Lance turned toward him and put the box between them. He took a breath and stared at it for a minute. Keith kept his eyes on him while he prepared himself. Then Lance reached out and pulled the lid of the shoebox away. 

There were several papers, photos, and even pieces of jewelry. Lance let out a shaky breath and he let his fingers skim over the photos. They had a grainy sort of appearance, like they were photos taken with phones then printed at a Walgreens. A couple were those new, small polaroids. 

Lance looked at them and took a deep breath that left him in a shaky exhale. It kind of killed me not getting a chance to write this section in Lance’s POV because this is huge for him. He’s allowing and inviting both worlds to merge here in a place of faith which he had been lacking. He’s inviting this acknowledgement of both Allura and Keith as romantic partners and it’s HUGE, especially after so long keeping them separate and grieving her separately. “This was the first Christmas we spent as a couple. She gave me the cologne you saw in my bathroom that day.” 

He looked at the photo in Lance’s hands. The two of them bundled up with scarves and beanies and thick jackets so all you could really see was her hair spilling around her shoulders and their faces as they laughed in the middle of a kiss. 

It felt jarring to see Lance kissing someone else. The bitterness Keith used to have to stuff down wasn’t there, just… discomfort. I also really wanted this scene to show the growth and security Keith feels in the relationship. He would NOT have been ready for this if they’d opened the box all those chapter ago when Lance first mentioned the box. Lance put the photo back inside and looked at the others. There was a silly selfie of the two of them where Allura’s hair covered both their faces because the wind was blowing it. Keith could still see their laughing smiles between the strands, the scrunch of their eyes as they winced. There was one someone had taken of them while they sat, each with a book in their hands. Lance seemed to be looking up as if whoever was snapping the photo had called his name suddenly. Allura was leaning against him, focused on her book. They were both dressed up. 

“Where’d you guys go?” I know it seems like Keith asking stuff is just a given, but.... Honestly he could’ve stayed quiet the whole time and just let Lance talk when he needed/wanted. But I had this question from Keith’s end because I wanted to show that Keith is welcoming this information, this conversation. It’s not one sided. It’s a conversation and Keith wants to be part of it. He wants Lance to trust him with this, wants him to feel safe and comfortable talking about it. So he asks and he’s curious and it’s him opening that space for Lance. Reassuring him that he means it when he says he wants to be there. 

Lance smiled sadly. “That was after Ash Wednesday. See the smear on our foreheads?” He sighed. “We actually weren’t dating yet in that one. I also wanted to make sure people recognized that his relationship with Allura wasn’t always romantic. There was friendship there, a bond that went back to childhood. A closeness that grew before the romance. It’s mentioned either before or shortly after this excerpt but I needed to drive home the fact that Lance is not only mourning a lover, he’s mourning a friend. Even when he’s been with Keith for 30 years, he will still mourn Allura because she was still his friend of several years. But my dad kept telling me to buck up and be a man and ask her out already.” Keith hummed and nodded. He looked into the box and skimmed the other contents. “Are you sure this is okay?” Lance asked.

He met Lance’s eyes and smiled sheepishly. “It’s a little strange. But I’m okay.” He pointed inside the box. “What’s with the index card covered in algebra equations?” The index card, I just really wanted a mundane object that would show how easy and natural their relationship was but also didn’t want it to be a sticky note because of that Valentine’s day headcannon I have for them. 

Lance set the photos down and lifted the index card. There were a bunch of sticky notes attached to the other side of it, stacked sloppily over each other. 

“This is from one of the classes we shared for gen ed. She left me a note on it when I wasn’t looking, and I just found it between my study guides.” He peeled the sticky notes off and Keith saw some loopy, round handwriting scrawled across the other side in black marker. 

I like the look on your face when you get confused. It’s cute. -Ax

Keith knew exactly what she was talking about. That scrunch of his eyebrows, the way he pressed his lips together in a slight pout, the way his eyes would squint suspiciously, all topped with a slight tilt of his head. It was fucking adorable. So. I really liked the idea of creating a sense of similarity between Keith and Allura through Lance. The two people who love(d) him in this romantic way both knew him well enough to know what his confused face was and to find it endearing. They’re similar in their love for Lance, and it also shows that there’s parts that are integral to Lance that didn’t disappear after Allura’s death. Even if it’s as small as a facial expression. 

“The professor was trying to explain logarithms. I never understood those,” Lance said.  He flipped the edges of the sticky notes. “She used to leave me notes in my stuff. In my backpack. Between the pages of my books. In my wallet. Telling me to listen for the birds that day. Things that reminded her of me. Or just to remind me that… she loved me.” I want to expand on this in the prequels, but the idea was that Allura liked to mention things Lance could make poetry out of. While also letting him experience the present. As someone who knew she was on limited time, Allura was often the one reigning Lance back to just be present and enjoy the moment (something else Keith and Allura have in common) when Lance wanted to rush forward and plan the future. So she mentioned little things that could help him be present like bird songs.  He traced the loops of her writing and pressed his other hand to his eyes. 

He took a moment to pull himself together, placing the stack of notes back inside the box. While Lance breathed, Keith noticed the glint of a chain and a bracelet. The cross on the chain and the little infinity sign on the bracelet were the same as the ones Allura had been wearing in the photos. He could see them clearly on a small polaroid of Allura laying out in the sun- the very same cross and bracelet. I wanted the jewelry to stand out because they didn’t go to Coran and they weren’t buried with her. They were given to Lance. 

“She really loved you,” Keith said softly. 

Lance looked over at him and managed a nearly imperceptible nod. “I miss her. And it just sucks that… this isn’t the kind of missing someone where you know you can drive a few hours to see them or just wait a few months to be with them. It’s permanent. There’s no possibility at all and I can’t do anything about it.” Depending on how long you’ve followed me, you may or may not know I’m thanatophobic. So I basically put the fears I have of death into this. It’s kind of surreal trying to get into your head when someone is gone in a permanent way that has no chance of changing and I tried to phrase it in a way that would carry that weight of pain and finality. As he spoke, his voice broke more and more between whispers, some words barely distinguishable. “And when that reality hits me I just feel… so powerless and small.” 

Seeing Lance break down further, Keith got up and moved to the other side of Lance so he could wrap his arms around him. Lance pressed his hands to Keith’s chest. 

At first, Keith thought Lance was trying to push him back. That he might need space. But when Keith started to let him go, Lance’s body curled further into him. His palm pressed against his chest, seeking something. Seeking Keith’s heartbeat. Lance’s face tucked into the curve of his neck. Lance’s way to be present. The last time he did this was after a nightmare of Keith dying, so for Lance, the heartbeat is a way of comforting himself with the knowledge that the person he loves is alive. 

They stayed that way for a long time. Keith let his finger twirl an unruly lock of hair by his ear, his other arm wrapped around Lance and gently skimming his fingers over him back. Lance kept his hand at Keith’s chest, occasionally pressing harder, occasionally letting his hand slip before settling back in place. 

Eventually, Lance lifted his head. “I’m gonna pray a little,” he said with a tired, raspy voice. “Then we can go back. If you’d rather wait in the car, you can.” 

Keith hummed and looked around at whoever was left still praying. “Can you show me how? Teach me one of the prayers you like so I can do it with you?” 

I’ve mentioned why this last bit matters so much to me. I mean for one, it’s a big step that Lance made the step on his own to voluntarily go to church and another that he’s sitting to have his conversation with God. But there’s also so much in the fact that Keith is also offering to join him in this because he knows what it means to Lance. Anyway this is one of my favorite parts especially with the part the follows this where Lance gives him a simple little kiss and Keith is very confused and wondering if it’s allowed. That part, I think shows another merging of worlds for Lance. A merge of his faith with his identity as someone who loves a boy. 

[engagedtobefree]

Phase 3: Redemption

After my embarrassing hump day joke on Wednesday and the failed attempt at getting Scott to help me with the boxes, which I did really need help with, I decided I really needed to turn things around. I’m a pretty determined person, and I’m happy to say that it paid off. 

Thursday - I started thinking in the morning what I could say to Scott, then I remembered how he stocked my favorite tea yesterday. So, in the few weeks that have passed, I have learned how everyone sounds when they walk, so I can usually tell when Scott is walking in, plus he comes in later than literally everyone else. I know, it’s very extra, probably borderline creepy. To be fair, I haven’t always planned to be standing/walking around when Scott comes in; a few times it just happened that way, and I don’t plan to be around every day when he comes in. However, this day, I was very eager to redeem myself. I hear him come in so I pop out of my cubicle and head toward the bathroom. He has dark sunglasses on and a smirk on his face when he sees me. We greet each other and then I say (a little too loudly, since I’m so excited), “Did you stock the Jasmine green tea yesterday?”. We’ve already passed each other and we both keep walking, but we both turn around to face each other. “Yeah, you like that one too?”, he asks. “Yeah, it’s the best one. Thanks!” I go into the bathroom and literally put my arms in the air like I just won something. Which I did. I won redemption.

After my lunch, I was working on something new, and I had to ask Joyce a question. I exit my cubicle and then look down the one hallway and Scott is heading toward someone’s cubicle to talk to them in the sales department. I give a little smile. Joyce isn’t at her desk so I turn around, and when I look down the hallway again and smile, Scott smiles back, then decides to head my way. I feel like a moment really passes between us, like a secret only the two of us know. I hang out in my cubicle doorway and he goes and gets some tea. I have no idea what to say and I guess neither does he. I hang awkwardly at my cubicle and then walk back and forth between my cubicle and Joyce’s. Scott heads back to the sales department, but he left his food container next to the coffee machine, so I go and make some tea. He comes back after a minute to grab his container, and I say “sorry” and move out of the way and he says “It’s aight”.

Later, when I take an order to the warehouse, I look over my shoulder into Scott’s office. He’s looking at me, and his mouth is in a thin line. This is not the first time he’s made that face at me, and I have no idea why he does it. Maybe he doesn’t realize he’s doing it. I should probably work on looking in less though, because Steve and Chris are going to notice eventually if I keep doing it half the time I walk by.

So I leave very, very slowly again today, and as I am pushing open the one door to leave, I hear someone coming. It’s Scott. We greet each other and I ask him how his day was. He says it was alright and asks me how my day was. I say it was slow, but that the whole week has been like that. I open the other door to the outside, and move out of the way so he can pass me as I hold open the door. He thanks me. He’s saying how his week was slow too and that he’s glad it’s almost Friday, and he says something else about it being almost friday/the weekend, but I don’t fully hear him because I’m looking at the lake and sky. I love coming out every day and just looking, because it always looks different but always so beautiful. Every day is a surprise. So I’m trying to admire the scene and also listen to Scott, but it’s hard for me to do both at the same time lol. But we say bye and then leave.

I head right from work to therapy, and the exit I had to get off, I saw a car that looked a lot like Scott’s. I don’t know what exit he is, so I was super paranoid it was him. I’m freaking out like “oh no, what if it’s him and he sees me and he thinks I followed him or something.” It was really bothering me. At therapy I had a really good session. I talked about some of my new, good habits and also talked about Scott. My therapist hopes I get a date, gave me some pointers on initiating conversation, and told me not to worry if it was his car and that it probably wasn’t. After therapy, I stopped home, then went over Amanda’s. Since her son’s dad is 17 years older than her, she was at first super biased about me being into someone so much older than me. But after telling her about how he tried to talk to me and had no idea where he was going with it and how he’s turned red a few times around me, she said his mannerisms are cute. She also made fun of me for the hump day thing but then said it was cute and he probably thinks so too.

Friday - So I heard someone come out of the bathroom some time in the morning, so I went over to the printer. I was actually printing stuff, but I figured I’d stand there while it prints and take my chance. I usually stand at the printer anyway whenever I print, but it just feels like it’s plotted when I do it in hopes Scott walks by lol. Sure enough, I hear “Hey, Dana, what’s up?” behind me. I look to my left and say “Hey, Scott. Good Morning.” I am pretty busy today and decide to chill a bit and not try to force any interaction today. 

Later in the day, I hear someone at the coffee machine. Everyone else is really fast at the coffee machine except Scott, so I listen and hear whoever it is is taking their time. I get up and walk out and sure enough it’s Scott. He’s already facing my cubicle, maybe in hopes I come out or maybe he was planning on coming over. I am ready to walk away down the hall, but change my mind. “Hey, Scott. Have any weekend plans?” I ask, as I stand inside my cubicle doorway. He leans up against the counter and faces me, and answers that he’ll be watching the Eagles game on Saturday, and I respond “Oh it’s not Sunday?”. “Nah, it’s the playoffs so it’s Saturday. I’d like to go to a game, but tickets are expensive, ya know?”. I would like to take the opportunity here to say I have never been more interested in football in my life than in this moment. Sign me up for Football 101. Give me a ball and some gear and set me loose, I am ready. I tell him how I went to a game once with my mom (irrelevant since it was 11 years ago, but whatever) and how we were at the very top and it was January and freezing. He says it’s supposed to be cold for the game, and I say how I was already used to the warm weather this week, and then suddenly remember and say out loud, how I never turned my heat down this morning. (I think I subconsciously say this to inform him that I live on my own, but really it just popped out of my mouth). Then he asks me what my plans are. “Oh just relaxing. I might go over a friend’s Saturday and just watch Netflix all day.” I beam at him and his mouth goes into a little crooked smirk. Ah, my heart. He says something along the lines of “At least it’s the weekend finally” and in a split second every fiber of my being is going “Oh no, we’ve already done the small talk twice. We’re past this now.” I say how I have a second job I work on Sundays, so I only have Saturdays off. He asks me what I do and where I work. I tell him how once I go permanent I’d like to leave there though. He says “You’re still a temp?” and I say yeah, but that I’m supposed to be on-boarding this month or next month. He turns to genuine concern when he says “Are you sure? Some of the guys out there (he means warehouse) were temps for years.” I say “Oh no, Angelo spoke to me in November and definitely said January or February.” He says that’s good and I tell him I’m excited. At some point during our conversation, I laugh at something I say, which honestly probably wasn’t even funny, but I do that all the time. Sometimes I close my eyes when I laugh, which I did, but I could still feel that his eyes were on me. Our conversation dies, but we lock eyes for a solid 5-10 seconds. We don’t say anything, and I feel like again, there’s a secret passing between us. I’m not sure if we break away at the same time, or if one of us does before the other. I go to walk away, but back track, then go to head off again. I had no idea how to react to what just happened. He says, “Aight, I’ll talk to you later” and I say, “Okay, bye.”

I’ve been thinking this whole weekend, how long has Scott had his eye on me for? I know it’s been quite some time, but did it develop more as time passed? Was he getting ready to try and talk to me, like I had observed? The more I think about it, the more I realize how I have acted too. I had to go into his office one time, months ago, and ask him about an order, and I was so nervous that I couldn’t look at him, but I didn’t think anything of it. I have had to talk to Steve plenty of times about orders and have never had trouble talking to him. And I would always think how I liked Scott the best, but there was no reasoning behind this, especially because I never even had a conversation with him, but I had talked to both Steve and Chris. I just really liked something about Scott and never questioned it. Then, any time I saw Scott, which was rare, I would think about dating him, then quickly push the thought aside and then be done with it. Then there was the one week when I went into the lunchroom, and two days he was in there, and on both occasions when I walked in, my mind immediately went “There’s Scott.” I was dating Nick for a few months, from like June to August, then he was unsure from like August to October, then I spent November and part of December getting over it. And then when I really worked through everything, shifted my mindset to myself and what I do really want in life and a relationship and a partner, that’s when I really noticed Scott and acknowledged everything. And I like this. I like the possibilities. I like a lot about him from what I’ve seen, and I’m just hoping that he feels the same. I keep asking myself “What if he gets to know me and changes his mind?”, but I know in the end whoever I’m meant to be with with truly love me and accept me, and that I will be the same way toward them. I still want to make a post about last year and all the lessons I’ve learned and how I’ve grown, but for today I’m just going to leave this here. I’m hoping this week brings new conversations and maybe even a date, but we’ll see. I have a few conversation starters up my sleeve, so I’m hoping I can get Scott to open up a bit more. I wish I could just go to his office and chat with him whenever, but he shares his office so it’s just not possible. He could always come to my desk, but idk if he would. So for right now I still have to strategically run into him so that we can talk. I know I’m going to have to be the one to carry the conversations for awhile, and I’m okay with that. I want to try my best to make him feel comfortable, and I hope that I come off as approachable and easy to talk to, which I think in general I really am. I’m nervous myself, but if I just think about making him feeling at ease, then it’s easier for me to be at ease too. Audrey, my therapist, also reassured me that things being awkward in the beginning is okay, so I’m trying to just embrace that as well. Here’s to a good, happy week with some more progress :)

[stealingspectra-blog]

okay so top pair is isidora and connor, and they’re siblings! beneath them is ellis, and she’s their half-sister/cousin. (it is a long and sad story, but basically their father’s are brothers and their mother tried to drive a wedge between them, cue angst.) beneath her is her half-brother, duck (not his actual name lmao), and their half-sister florencia. (same father for all three of them, but he raised ell and duck as a single dad until he met and married flo’s mom.) and the final duo is ell’s daughter lia and duck’s kid cal. more about these nerds under a cut because i talk too much!

so basically dora and connie are a princess and prince, both considered to be like. legendarily beautiful. there is literally almost a war because dora is too pretty. (not really it’s because of an entitled prince getting put IN HIS GODDAMN PLACE by her childhood bestie who may or may not be legendary wizard merlin.) (his place is a grave. nobody thought merlin had actual murder in him but. the boy DOESN’T fuck around.) anyway dora has the ability to read people, like she’s super smart but even more so she’s got a psychic intuition and always knows THE TRUTH. connie’s little bit of magic is supernaturally good luck. like he has had too many incidents where he should have died but somehow??? he’s still alive??? (he has an adrenaline addiction and zero sense of self preservation.)

and then ellis. oh jeez. she’s literally nicknamed “the hot mess express” because she has more issues than whatever fucking newspaper has been in print the longest. so her uncle is the king… and her mom’s husband. while her dad is his slightly younger brother and right hand man, so it’s. awkward to say the least when she’s around her uncle but honestly he loves her because she’s just??? awesome even though she’s got zero sense of self worth??? (her mom is so mean to her because she wanted her to be just like dora but they’re total opposites.) anyway ell has super strength but doesn’t really use it, because she’s a damn good knight without it. also she’s bi and has gender issues that she refuses to confront. listen she is my baby and i have so many feelings about her so please!!! ask questions and give feedback about her especially because she’s very important.

duck is the weird artist of the family, yet also the most normal? like he actually doesn’t have any extra ability like the others, he’s just. duck. but he dresses in terrible clashing pastels and dyes his hair blue, and is such a good brother… like flo is the one who nicknamed him duck and he loves her so much that he demanded everyone else call him that so she didn’t feel bad about saying his name wrong when she was little and it STUCK. and he helps ell when she’s feeling down about herself, like he is so supportive. he’s just very soft and very good and also the most supportive dad because he learned from his dad who is the second most supportive dad??? because duck is trans so when baby cal started asking gender questions, he was just like, “okay baby i love you no matter what” and threw punches when anyone misgendered them. also he’s gay and has a cute husband who’s a knight. (medieval version of the jock/artsy kid trope anyone?) basically duck is the best and i could talk about him forever. (btw the bandages on his hands are because he’s a clumsy sculptor.)

flo’s a straight up badass and queen. like literally she’s a queen of the fairies? through marriage but fairies are a matriarchal society so she has all the power. (her husband is merlin, and they’re in a polyamorous quartet with flo’s bestie and her bodyguard.) but she’s incredibly magically powerful, so much so that merlin himself is impressed. (especially since she freed him from a curse with minimal training.) anyway she’s a cutie and kinda dramatic but she’s loyal and sensible (the boots were something she insisted on, because “a queen of the forest should be wearing proper shoes for walking in the forest”) and maybe a little too stubborn and selfless. also she’s such a daddy’s girl that even as an adult she’ll go to him and insist that he does her hair because he’s the best at it. so much fluff tbh.

lia is ell’s only kid and was very much unintentional… and it’s really sad because in some fucked up ways, her conception parallels ell’s, except her dad was the asshole not her mom. but her bio dad doesn’t actually matter because ell is with this other knight and he totally adopts lia. (and like it's never officially stated because he and ell can't get their shit together, but lia calls him dad and everyone considers lia to be HIS daughter.) and she actually gets along better with him than her mom, because he tends to get her a little bit better. she's not even remotely interested in being a knight, but is super smart and invents shit instead, and is a terrifying child because SHE KNOWS TOO MUCH. (6 year old lia after finding a rabbit carcass in the woods: "mommy, i know that the bunny isn't sleeping. it died of heart failure when the horse scared it." as ell looks over at her not-husband and is like "what the ever-loving fuck is wrong with our child" because lia is a little too casual about death.) honestly she's just fun because she's chaotic neutral and does what she wants because she's got her auntie flo and uncle merlin wrapped around her fingers which makes her almost unstoppable. also her bff is cal because ell and duck got pregnant around the same time so they're the same age and are basically inseparable??? and if anyone fucks with cal she goes from chaotic neutral to chaotic evil in .5 seconds flat. don't fuck with her girl.

and finally cal! sweet baby cal! so they're transfeminine and switch between she, they, and sometimes he pronouns, because they're pretty fluid regarding their gender, it just tends to be somewhat feminine. but they don't really like binary labels, unless they're coming from someone they're very close with. (like how lia calls them her girl or sis, or their grandpa calls them baby girl. or being called the queen bee.) anyway cal is a sweetheart and is the neutral good to lia's chaotic neutral. she is queen of the bees and nobody really understands why or how and nobody questions it either. they just love her and she loves them. she's full of love and optimism and sees the world as a beautiful place, so everyone wants to protect her all the time. she's just too precious. also they're a model and theater actress because it's a truth universally acknowledged that cal is too beautiful and talented to not be the center of attention always.

anyway please tell me your opinions on them and ask questions if you have any, i really wanna know what you think especially if you read all this!

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON JINX’S MAIN RAP SEO YEEUN...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Yuna CURRENT AGE: 27 DEBUT AGE: 20 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 16 COMPANY: Midas SECONDARY SKILL: Fashion

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): koala, seo yeoshin INSPIRATION: officially, she has often credited a lot of her inspiration to girl groups like s.e.s and fin.k.l noting how she watched their success as a young girl. however, much of her original love for music would come from her dad, though she would never admit to that. SPECIAL TALENTS:

can play bass; has played on radio broadcasts during jinx’s debut era.

tongue-twisters or just basically talking fast

painting

NOTABLE FACTS:

pretty much acknowledged from fans as a “useless” member, seen as a “pretty face” in the group. she wouldn’t deny this herself and she honestly doesn’t care.

plays both bass and guitar but really only showcased her playing bass during their debut as midas thought that would be a good way to promote the group.

known for being fairly stylish and her fashion risks. can sew, used to make her own clothes before debut.

predebut pictures caused a big stir between fans whether she was all natural or not.

fans like to hype up her creative side. they often point out that she can knit, sew, and paint.

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

currently, she’s working on her own clothing line. in terms of talent yeeun knows she doesn’t have any. but she does know about design. she’s good at sewing, she’s good at putting together a nice outfit. this is actually something she feels somewhat confident in.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

she had always been told an idol’s life or career is often brief. a small blip and then people would move on. that if yeeun was smart, and too often she presents herself that way, she would be able to branch out into a more stable career option. she hopes that the fashion industry will be the career that sticks.

IDOL IMAGE

it takes a lot of time for her to become jinx’s main rapper yuna each day. time that is spent adjusting to what the public—the fans expect of her. how she is to behave.

she is an inconsequential piece of a much larger puzzle they inform her before the group’s debut.

in the early part of their career, the company decided to market her in a rather broad manner. in short she is just supposed to be seen as pretty, doll-like they emphasize to her. she can be cute off stage if she prefers but being sexy and charismatic on stage is a must.

essentially, yuna is to ooze a charismatic quality without trying, without talking. she is kind to her members, making sure to take care of them. she is charming in a cute and eccentric way. mostly she attempts to stay happy, cheerful and refreshing.

she is silly, girly, and cute in talk shows when required. she is sexy and ethereal on stage. she is overall unthreatening. this is how she want it. it’s better for her off-screen for her to be unthreatening to the public, to be somewhat unnoticeable. it’s after the first article of her predebut photos, of her alleged plastic surgery, that she realizes she prefers to be in the background. yeeun knows yuna is untalented. so yeeun tries her best not to hold the other more talented members in jinx back.

behind the scenes she is only slightly different than her tv persona.

where yuna is a bit more quiet and aloof at times. yeeun is chatty, sociable, and more of an airhead.

her manager had joked once while they had been out drinking, three years after their debut, that yeeun would be perfect for variety shows if she never opened her mouth. meaning, she had a great face and worked hard but she was stupid. so stupid it would ruin the groups image. it was enough to get her to be more quiet. because yeeun, above anything, else wanted the midas to know she was dedicated. dedicated and hardworking.

IDOL HISTORY

1997 "you’re so pretty,“ wrinkled hands cup her face "my puppy.” the summer sun paired with her grandma’s hands fill her with warmth. yeeun studies her face, there is nothing she wants more now—at twenty-seven than to go back to this moment. to be able to study her face again. to outstretch her hands and feel the curves of her face. the older lady’s laugh lines had always been her most prominent feature yeeun recalls, it had always been her favorite feature. that smile. a glowing reminder of who she was before she had gotten sick.

she tries to mimic it often. to find that same light her grandma had hidden in that smile. that warmth that her grandma had exuded, she envied many people in her life but nothing came close to that desire to be more like her.

“you’re lucky yeeun,” plump lips stretching into that soft smile “the world is always so kind to girls who are this pretty.”

1999 "come here sit with me yeeun.“ she’s cautious, cautious small hands fumbling with some toy, cautious little eyes looking at anything but the man sat on the living room rug. "my pretty little yeeun.” he slurs out while his calloused hands strum his guitar. the air feels thick, tacky with moisture and the room is illuminated filled with a dusty orange light, her favorite color.

she hates when he’s like this. she’s too young to know what’s wrong just that something is wrong. that something is different, is off about him. evident in his smell and speech.

they often did this; he would call out to her or put some record on or play something for her and she would dance. or they would both dance together. he would pick up her fragile small frame and sit her on top of his feet so they could dance together. so he could show her the steps. sometimes, she would sit on his lap and he would guide her fingers along the guitar strings.

but on occasion, like this one and many more to come, he would be different. a cigarette hanging from his mouth and his breath smelling of alcohol.

yeeun often felt sad for her youngest sister who she knew didn’t have memories like those. the good ones. where he was whole and alive and sober. no she was stuck with the ones just like this one. where his speech would slur or he would stumble or worse fall and yeeun would feel her face go hot with embarrassment as if someone she knew would see and know, know that her life wasn’t perfect that her parents weren’t perfect.

and then, eventually, he would be gone too like her grandma.

2003 "mom,“ yeeun pushes the lump in the bed with as much force as she can muster at twelve "mom, get up, we have to go to school.”

she knows it’s useless, since her dad passed earlier that year her mom had barely moved. “it’s normal,” her aunt had explained to her one day “she’s just tired.” her family repeat the same mantra. yeeun she’s just tired. yeeun she’s just sad. yeeun it’s normal. don’t worry, it’s to be expected she just lost the love of her life. she’ll snap out of it but none of that is true, she never does, not really. not fully.

“mom, will you at least watch yerin while i’m at school.” “your aunt will be here soon.” “i know, but it’ll be at least two hours before she can make it after i leave.” “okay,” she grunts as she tears herself from the bed “okay i’m up.”

the image of her mom like this sticks with her. hair a mess, eyes stained red, and so devoid of any feeling. yeeun, again with a hint of envy, had always loved her mom’s eyes. they were captivating and yet soft, always gentle looking at anyone with love and understanding. that had disappeared completely after her dad had passed.

“yeeun,” she turns to her mom before walking out the door “thank you.”

she pauses her mom’s eyes soften it’s the last time they look like this. the first time in months she has seen some emotion from her. or has seen her mom at all.

“i’m sorry yeeun.”

2007 "i have to leave yerin.“ she confesses this to her little sister one night. the air thick with summer heat while they lay in their bed. yerin had taken to sleeping with her that summer. clinging to her side at any chance she got. yeeun doesn’t know why she admits this. it will only cause chaos but she couldn’t hold it in anymore. she turns to face the child fast asleep next her, arms wrapped tight around yeeun. pulling at her heart. guilt filling her body.

carefully, she moves her sister’s small arms off of her as she looks for her brother. she needs to tell someone. she feels like this is a revelation and yeeun has never been one to hold anything in. even if she knows better.

"jun?” she whispers out his nickname, his real name he hates and continuously asks her to call him something else. ‘anything else.’ he tells her one day. she doesn’t ask questions just obliges. she finds him outside, the familiar smell of ash and nicotine indicate where he is.

“can’t sleep either?” he greets her with a smile that she can barely see only visible because of the end of his cigarette. “you know me.” she huffs out as she joins him. she hasn’t started smoking yet, but she does enjoy keeping him company while he does. it’s more like she just enjoys the late night conversation. he’s nineteen and already the bags under his eyes are too visible. he’s nineteen but for some reason she’s the one who is stuck taking care of their family. she tries not to resent him for this, even now.

“look at what someone gave me today.” she hands him the card. the name printed on it she can’t remember but the company prestigious. she can remember running her fingers over the indents numerous times. dreaming of escaping and running away to seoul. he chuckles before handing it back as he flicks a bit of ash from his cigarette.

“you can’t sing yeeun.” “so, a lot of singers can’t, besides i can play instruments and i’m pretty enough.” “wow,” it comes out in disbelief at her confidence “everyone in seoul is pretty enough.” “we could use the money.” “mom won’t let you and you’ll break yerin’s heart.” “i can’t stay here jun.”

2009 “what about you yeeun?” she knows the question is coming. yeeun realizes early on into her trainee days how obsessed they all are with each other. how each of them got there. how each of them were built. how the competition sizes up to one another.

she wonders if any of them really truly care about her story or care about her at all.

but, regardless, she tells them. because yeeun isn’t built for competition. she wasn’t crafty enough to be calculating. tells them how she left home at sixteen despite her mom’s criticism. tells them, in detail, how she got up early one weekend to take a bus and then to board a train just to get to the midas building. she tells them of her audition because they of course ask about that too.

“i played bass.” “you play bass, since when did you play bass!?” “yeah, since i was little,” she pauses and shrugs “my dad taught me.” “oh does he teach?” “no.”

yeeun finds it easier to not mention him being dead. she doesn’t appreciate the false sympathy and it doesn’t really matter anyway. it’s true that she played bass but she had done a number of things. she had sang and danced too, but she knew that wasn’t why she got in. they had even told her that at the time. it had been a collection of: “you’ll need to work on your dancing.” “she can’t sing.” “but i can see potential.”

and once yeeun is done telling the trainee of her simple beginnings the conversation moves on to another trainee. onto whether miyoung will be able to debut or if siyeon will be kicked out for her scandalous past or if sooyoung has lost enough weight yet.

her story getting filed away in a large storage of girls who might not make it.

2011 "you’ll need to fix your nose.“ someone in the company tells her this one day, early before they can debut. it’s the first time she hears she’s anything but beautiful. she cries to herself that night, alone in her dorm away from prying eyes. the only thing she had been confident in and it too is taken from her so easily.

she listens, however, to show her dedication. a few days later she obeys and visits a doctor. and after her recovery period is up she is bitter to admit she looks better.

when visiting her family one weekend, a rarity, yerin is visibly upset over her change. jun just laughs. she is bitter, once again, that he was right.

2013 "she’s so lucky she’s pretty.” yeeun hears it often. even well after the groups debut. she knows it’s true too. she isn’t a strong dancer, she isn’t a solid vocalist, she isn’t even good at rapping. her supposed position in the group. she is oddly unremarkably shaped and colored piece of the puzzle that is jinx. not really fitting in anywhere.

the public points out her past photos often. as if, being naturally pretty would have made her being untalented more bearable. yeeun admits they are right though, she is lucky. lucky to have member of jinx forever attached to her name. no matter where the group ended up, it’s a title that she knows will help her in some way. she is sure of that. even a new name—yuna (they tell her it’s prettier than her real name) to erase who she was completely.

2016 “you’ve got a good eye.” jun yells trying his best to get his voice to reach her as they make there way to a table hidden away in the restaurant away from the large crowd. she mishears it smiling as she accepts the compliment “thanks, i got them touched up about a week ago.”

he rolls his eyes as he sits down across from her at the table. “no, i mean like a good eye for clothes, you fucking idiot.” she isn’t sure what brings it up or even how to respond. it must be written on her face, though yeeun has never been able to mask her emotions with jun. a problem with knowing each other this long.

“you mentioned last week that you didn’t know what you were going to do if the group split up,” he shrugs like the destruction of what is essentially her whole identity is just a simple thing to shrug off “i’m just giving you some ideas.” she tries to ignore the knot in her stomach, the panic, this causes.

“i’m sorry, i just thought it was important to you.” “no, you’re right i can’t just keep living off jinx without branching out.” “right,” he smiles “so that’s why i was thinking, you should look at how you could get into the fashion industry.” “you’re too excited about this.” “well you know how i feel about you being in a girl group.” “no i don’t,” she stifles out a laugh “tell me how do you feel about me being in jinx?” “it’s fucking weird,” he pauses as if waiting for her to laugh or to ask a question before he unravels “i mean it’s just weird watching your little sister do these objectifying things for the attention of random strangers. to hear about you from old college friends wanting your number or asking if they think they have a chance with you. also it’s especially fucking weird that you’re so relaxed about you having work done. it’s like i’m talking to a totally different person.” “are you done?”

they both go silent a stark contrast to the bustling atmosphere of the restaurant. she feels her face go hot. feeling like that child again caught in embarrassment with her drunk dad calling out to her. she knocks back her drink, the sting of the alcohol burning her throat as she gulps it down. yeeun orders another one quickly before jun opens his mouth again. it’s going to be a long night.

“why don’t you quit?” “why would i quit.” “cause, yeeun, you never get to see me or yerin, you get no sleep, and honestly you look a fucking mess right now.” “thanks.” “i’m just saying it doesn’t seem worth it.” “well it is.”

2019 “have you talked to mom lately?” yerin’s voice calls out to her over the phone. no matter how much time passes yeeun can’t help but feel her heart melt at her sister’s voice. still seeing her as that little child she left behind. guilt forming a lump in her throat making it difficult to answer. “no,” she manages to get out before clearing her throat “have you?”

“fuck no,” yerin laughs “not since i moved out for college. which is going great by the way thanks for asking.” “i’m sorry,” she tries to bite back any sadness from her voice “i’m sorry i couldn’t make it to your graduation too. they wouldn’t let me off for it.” “it’s okay i still love you.” “i love you too.”

the line goes silent. yeeun exhales knowing what topic is going to come next she can feel it. she takes a long drag from her cigarette before exhaling again. she’s at least thankful yerin can’t tell she smokes, yet. it would cause her to spill into one of her long lectures about yeeun needing to take better care of herself. these have become more common now that yerin is on route to becoming a doctor.

“jun called me to talk about you.” “oh yeah?” “yeah, he says you should call him and thank him for his genius idea.” “i’ll talk to him after he apologizes to me.” “i wish you guys would stop dragging me into the middle of things.” “okay,” yeeun laughs “okay i’m sorry but he did start it.”

there’s another long pause after yeeun’s laughter dies down.

“i saw one of the jinx members on tv the other day.” “yeah, i think some of them have been pretty busy right now.” “i miss seeing you on tv since you’ve just been doing photoshoots and stuff lately.” “i miss you too.” “are you guys having a comeback soon?” “fuck if i know.” “geez, i just thought i’d ask,” yerin sighs “are you busy at least?” “i’m working on something i can’t really talk about it, but it’s something.” “at least you’re getting work.” “yeah guess i should thank jun after all.”