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softpadawan · 3 years

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Liveblogging Jedi Fallen Order pt. 2

In the time between this post and the last, I have learned that the Mantis is basically a luxury yacht. And you've got this filthy probably-smelly scrapper Jedi on board with no idea how hard it is to get oil stains out of potolli weave fabric. It's Pretty Woman set in the GFFA

Greez in the galley, making food, having a crisis LOLOLOL

Ah, we meet Merrin! I wasn't expecting such a thick accent (why did I think she would sound like Buffy Summers? And why is it that the Nightsisters have accents but the Nightbrothers don't?) 🤔

I'm actually surprised there's anyone left on Dathomir, but everyone forgets the Nightbrothers I guess.

Damn that looks like Maul's lair. Wait, is that a GRILL? Was Maul a BBQ fiend? Is that why he looks like a bottle of extra spicy Tex-Mex rib sauce? 🍖

NO NO CAL, DON'T TALK TO STRANGE OLD GUYS IN HOODS IN SPOOKY DARK PLACES. THE SAME THING WILL HAPPEN TO A KID NAMED EZRA IN ABOUT 11 YEARS AND THAT DIDN'T TURN OUT WELL EITHER

Greez calling Cal "weirdo" again hehehe

Cal used Push... IT WAS SUPER EFFECTIVE!

I like how Cal periodically runs his hand through his hair in idle moments. Yeah, dude, we know your hair is perfect 🙄

STUMBLING UPON SOME HIDEOUS GIANT RAT-THINGS EATING A DEAD STORMTROOPER, JUST ANOTHER DAY IN THE GFFA LOL

Gather round, kids, time for another one of Greez's cockpit talks *sits crosslegged on the floor*

I hope Cal knows to keep his ankles together and clench his sphincter when diving feet-first into water

Perfect hair, even when wet (of course)

I don't know what the actual gameplay is like, but in this video, Cal has a new poncho every time he visits a new location. Are there tourist shops on Dathomir and Kashyyyk where they sell ponchos? Is Cal picking up a new one every time he goes somewhere? Is this a souvenir side quest?

HANG ON TO THOSE VINES, TARZAN

Cal performs the Zeb Orrelios Double-head Knock Maneuver™ on the Walker pilots LOLOL Maybe it's a Lasat move and Cal learned it from his Master. Bonus: "I can't believe that actually worked."

CAL CACKLING AS HE AND BD-1 TAKE CONTROL OF THE WALKER LOLOL I FEEL YOU MAN, I'D BE LAUGHING TOO

The fact that Cal didn't scream and shit himself when Saw Gerrera suddenly appears on his windshield is proof that this is pure fiction.

Cal: What are you guys doing? Saw: Pissing off the Empire. Wanna help? Cal, with approx. 47 current missions, shrugging: Sure why not

OH GOD THESE WALKERS DON'T HAVE AIRBAGS OR SEATBELTS OR ANYTHING AND WE'RE GOING DOWN, HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTT, BD

Annnnd this is how Cal gets roped into the rebellion!

Cal freeing Wookiee prisoners just like Ezra does 10 years later 🥲

YIKES that Purge Trooper sounds just a little bit too horny to see a Jedi 😳

Holyshit that special attack move is incredibly sexy, I love it when one dude just rolls across the back of another dude. Just bros being dudes fighting to the death

Oh fuck OH FUCK CAL WATCH OUT THERE'S A SECURITY DROID RIGHT BEHIND— *Cal gets lifted up and tossed like a candy wrapper* I swear it sounds like he grunts "OW DAMMIT" when he lands* Where are your Jedi instincts man? Lol

Cal awkwardly accepting thanks from the free Wookiees is so cute

I love it when he smiles. I am so in love with this guy it's embarrassing.

HOLY SHIT CAL DON'T GET SET ON FIRE, IF YOU LOSE YOU HAIR I WILL FORCE CHOKE THE EMPIRE MYSELF—

Boy, with all this ruckus Cal's causing on Kashyyyk, it's only a matter of time before Biggus Dickus hears of this.

Saw's speech is putting tears in my eyes, god stop it man

Is... is anybody going to put those fires out??

"I'm a very positive guy. I'm positive that if I die, I'll be very upset." I LOVE YOU GREEZ

Second Sister, in a haughty drawl: Cal Kest— Cal, if he were me: AUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH! Stop scr AUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH! Stop screaming I just— AUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!

I actually like Trilla more than I thought I would

Oh hohoho she's getting Cal pissed off, I like that. "What would Jaro Tapal say if he could see his Padawan now?" ...maybe I've been reading too much smutfic, but that sounds like a line straight out of a smutfic. Now I'm imagining Cal bound spread-eagle and [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted]

Cal, fiercely: I won't let anyone touch them [young Force sensitive children] DAD CAL WILL PROTECT EVERY KID IN THE GALAXY TRILLA DON'T TEST HIM

Cal sure does squeeze through a lot of tight spots. It's cute when BD hops off his back and onto his shoulder or arm

Are... are all Purge Troopers this horny about killing? Is it a requirement? "Must be this psychotic and horny to qualify"?

OH SHIT NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN CAL IF YOU LOSE YOUR FKKN SABER AGAIN I WILL COME THROUGH THIS SCREEN AND yessss remember Jaro's teachings! Good boy (I feel like I'm raising this kid lol)

Squeezing through passages yet again. This boy has more in common with Ezra than he'll ever know LMAO Kanan now has TWO duct-spelunking gremlins to deal with. Everyone say a prayer for Kanan Jarrus

"I don't care if they're a Jedi, a Wookiee or a Bogling, I'm going to destroy them!" Props to the stormtrooper for using a non-binary pronoun for Cal until he learns his preferred one LOL "We may be evil fascists, but we won't stand for misgendering our enemies!"

Cordova, I'm getting just a liiiiiittle bit sick and tired of your obsession with ancient artifacts. Your name henceforth will be Jedindiana Jones.

Ba-GONK? Really? A droid named Ba-Gonk? HAHAHAHA

OH SHIT HE'S LIGHTING MY BOY UP LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE WHAT NONONO

OH GOD WHERE'S BD IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO HIM I'M GONNA AAAAA CAL CALLING FOR HIS LITTLE BUDDY I'M SCARED AND FURIOUS

Cal muttering "these jerks" as he takes the restraining bolt off BD 😭

IS THAT THE HU Cal: Hey, I recognize this band. I RECOGNIZED THEM FIRST

Sorc Tormo, no relation to the Grandmaster of Sakaar I'm sure LOL Ooh what is this, a gladiator scene? Are we gonna see Cal in a loincloth? (wishful thinking)

OH HELL IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE MUTANT CROCOFROGS FROM THE FLORIDA EVERGLADES, AND THIS ONE IS ON MIAMI BATH SALTS

This scene would have been 9000% better if Cal were in a loincloth and knee-high gladiator sandals, just saying

Annnd the Mantis arrives in time to save Cal! Hoo boy Cere, you got some splainin to do

Greez, having another crisis: This is fine. Everything's gonna be fine

Aww Greez waking Cal up again for a chat 🥺 Cal don't be mean, Greez just wants to know what's going on :( CAL SAY SOMETHING, GREEZ IS POURING HIS HEART OUT TO YOU "You two are the best thing that ever happened in my life" GAWD I'M WEEPING PAPA GREEZ

Sometimes a family is a crusty old pilot with a gambling addiction, a traumatized former Jedi, and a masterless Padawan with more scars than happy memories

"That's a game term." "I know what it is." 😂

"I'm busy. I gotta figure out what to cook next." Getting some STRONG Italian grandma vibes from Greez

Hoo boy ANOTHER horny Purge Trooper (wtf is he wielding? It looks heavy and cumbersome) Purge Trooper, orgasmically: YeeEEeess! FIGHT MEEE! Cal: Not until you buy me dinner

"Electrohammer Purge Trooper". Sounds like a mixed drink or a funky novelty dance from the late 90s.

Ninth Sister is going to make strawberry-ginger jelly outta Cal and spread him on her morning toast 😳

Cal's boots are gonna be so caked and crusty after sliding through 10km of Kashyykian mud, Greez is gonna have to hose him down before he lets him in the ship LOL

GIANT VENUS FLY TRAPS oh boy Cal narrowly escaping getting vored again

Hollllyyyy SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT GIANT BIRD IT'S THE SIZE OF A SHIP Cal: What is that thing? Is is a bird? Yes. Is it a plane? Also yes.

I love Cal's little baby Padawan voice (Why couldn't they have made FPJ's Kanan/Caleb sound like that? Instead we got a Padawan who has a 3 kids, a mortgage, and a receding hairline.)

Hurt Shyyyo bird uh oh! We need Dr Bridger here STAT!

Awww Cal has a way with animals, too. I'd love to see him and Ezra bonding over their connection to animals.

Kanan seeing his partner and his Padawan bring home yet another injured animal: YOU ARE RELEASING THIS ONE GO BACK INTO THE WILD, UNDERSTAND? NO MORE ANIMALS ON THIS SHIP Cal and Ezra: But Kaaaaayyyy...

I KNEW HE'D BE HOPPING A RIDE ON THAT BIRD SOONER OR LATER (🎵 I believed he could fly 🎶)

OMG when BD runs it's like a cockatiel puttering across the floor at 100 mph HAHAH I would die for that droid 😢

Ooh costume switch in this play. Cal looks fucking hot in the Inquisitor uniform

Aww Cere and Greez have dinner lunch ready when Cal comes in, I love seeing families eat in the GFFA

God this is the most uncomfortable dinner ever. Cloud City dinner with Vader doesn't even come close

GREEZ HAS BEEN SALTING HIS FOOD FOR A SOLID MINUTE JFC IT'S INEDIBLE NOW

Cal don't be an ass, Cere is pouring her heart out to you... I forget that he's just 18 sometimes 🙄

(I just found out that Debra Wilson is playing Cere, no wonder she was so familiar to me. Also I love her)

"This Cordova guy's really putting some wear and tear on my ship." SEND HIM A BILL, GREEZ, I'M SERIOUS

"Dathomir. The one place in the galaxy we don't want to see any closer... and the one place we're trying to get to, Mr Frodo."

Oh HELL dead Nightsisters, this is even worse than when Maul called them up from the grave in Rebels, these ones are still juicy

In a situation like this, you can only do one thing: THE MONSTER MASH

And this is where I've gotta call it a night. I hope my losing my mind has been entertaining

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