#like holy damn how i'm supposed to study for exam now | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

joyfulhopelox · 4 years ago

Text

Right now i don’t know if i want to kiss you or shove you off this building

Part 1 | Part 2(end)

A/N: I have no words really, just i needed to get this off my chest and i wrote it so quickly that part 2 is probably going to be out by the end of the week.

genre: fluff (x100), University! au/ College!au

Copyrights @joyfulhopelox do NOT repost or reblog

Stealing is a crime please do not steal, i do not cross post anywhere else only Tumblr

Pairing: J-Hope x reader (College!AU/ University!AU)

Word count: 4,000 words

Warnings: i'm still bad at writing fluff but here we go (i cried a lot inside whilst writing it)

There are few times in someone’s life when they would have to rush out of the house in the middle of the night. Most times, it involved an emergency of some sorts.The usual A&E rush, the cravings rush and most important of them all, the all nighter in the library rush.

You have been debating for over an hour now if you should make a dash to the library. Your exhausted body screaming at you to just curl up into a ball and sleep- or cry, whichever came first. However your consciousness, and the fact that your anxiety was at an all time high, was telling you to just suck it up and go get your books from the library. That coupled with your approaching deadline. And to be honest you knew exactly what you would end up doing. After all, your grades could not afford to take a fall. Not worse than what they’ve dropped to now. Anymore and you would flunk the year completely.

But do you really need that book? Your brain tried it’s last card on you. You could technically just stay in, bury yourself in your blankets like the Michelin man, and write your essay that way. Sighing, you rubbed your tired eyes and got up grabbing your prized pen, the one that got you through your first and second year of exams, a couple of pieces of paper just in case, and your laptop. A trek to the library it is.

The spring air was doing a good job of waking you up. The light breeze, warm enough to not make you die of cold, but cold enough to cool down your tired flushed face. The 10 minutes it took to walk from your accommodation to the library was enough for you to steel yourself against an all nighter of studying.

What you had expected when you went in was anything but a packed library with students quietly studying. The noises of scratching pens and the rhythmic click-clacking of keyboards creating a mellow background noise. Some were dozing off, and you could not blame them, but holy hell could they not have done that at home? Okay, maybe you were judging, but could anyone blame you? You were desperate for a space and by the looks of the rows of heads between the shelves, there was a slim chance you would actually get a seat somewhere. If needed, you knew you could just crouch in between the shelves near the section that housed the maps, but you did not feel like inhaling dust and sporting a cramped leg for the rest of the night.

“Oh come on! This is a big library, there must be a seat somewhere” you whispered to yourself quietly, your eyes scanning the 3rd floor of the library. Aha! There. By the will of the gods, there was a seat, a lone corner at a table that was packed to the brim. You hastily made your way before anyone could spring out of nowhere and claim it, and slammed your butt down on the seat sighing in satisfaction. You’d made it. The first task done. Proud of yourself, you opened up your laptop and pulled the document you had been writing on. The bold letters at the top stating you NEEDED to get that specific book. A harsh reminder that the second task now would be even more difficult. Hunting for a book in this mammoth of a place. But what if you lost your spot? You needed your laptop to search for the book and to be honest you did not trust your laptop to not be stolen. You groaned to yourself, once again debating whether or not you needed the book

You finally decided that the book was non-negotiable and so you quickly grabbed your pen, with the promise to yourself that you would not get lost in the maze of shelves and interesting literature. Hastily writing a ‘will be back’ note, you slammed the pen down on top of the paper and rushed out of your seat.

The library atmosphere was quiet, despite the space being full of poor students who were rushing to meet a deadline or had exams coming up soon. Perusing the shelves, taking note of names that may interest you further on in your degree or even just as personal pleasure, you basked in the quietness and the dimness of the space. You loved the library at night, sure, but not when you were in a rush to finish a paper and not when exam and deadlines season pushed everyone and their mother to cram themselves in the space like sardines. Overall though, the space was dark and quiet just as you liked it.

Finally arriving at the area that was of interest to you, you stood in front of the row of shelves, a slow grin forming on your face. It was perfect, 4 rows of untouched literature. And you had all the time in the world.

Except...you didn’t. “Fuck” you cursed to yourself. You knew you did not have the time and you promised yourself you would not do this. Looking down at your watch, you let out another curse. “Fuck”. It had taken you half an hour to get here, the digital face of your watch showing 12.30am. “Oh man, I did it again” muttering to yourself, you turned your back towards the interesting titles that were calling your name and focused on the one book you actually needed.

Only to not find it on the shelf. Just your luck. “What am i supposed to do now?” dejectedly sighing you slowly made your way back to your seat. All you could think about was the missing book on the shelf.

How were you supposed to be finishing your paper now? Suddenly the quiet and calm atmosphere became gloomy and dark, this was not going very well for you. So lost in your thought you almost walked by your spot. Stopping right on time you looked to the side only to do a double take. It was not your spot anymore, the leather jacket as well as the mop of dark hair that could be seen occupying the seat was definitely not you. You double checked the area making sure you did not stray away again and somehow landed in the wrong spot but no. That was definitely the desk you had placed your note on.

It was just missing the note and seating another person now. Today was definitely not your day. The last thing you wanted to do at this time of the night, especially when you were in a hurry to finish and hand in your paper, was to be civil. But that was your seat. You refused to slouch in between the shelves and cram a seven thousand word paper tonight. You’ve done it enough times in the past for your bum and back to already be screaming at you in protest. Taking a deep breath in, you steeled yourself and approached the seat stealer.

The closer you got, the better the view of the seat stealer. Goddamn they were handsome. At least the side profile was something to enjoy looking at, but that did not change the fact that they had stolen your seat and were comfortably spread out onto the desk casually typing away at their laptop.

To top it all off, as if the scene was not enough to taunt your nerves, they were humming quietly to the beat that you could faintly hear coming from their headphones. And if you were to admit it to yourself, which you would not, they were very good at said humming.

“Uhm...excuse me” your voice cracked, having not been used for a couple of hours. You could not afford to seem meek in front of them, cute as hell and a great hummer be damned, they would not get the satisfaction of seeing you flustered. Truth be told, you hated confrontation. It was the last thing you resorted to under normal circumstances, let alone now when you were tired and stressed. Standing up straighter you tried again, “Excuse me!”

They made no move to acknowledge you or your shadow that cast now over the desk, as if you were both one and the same. Frustrated, you let out a huff and reached out to tap their shoulder. However, as if the fates had it out for you today, the humming seat stealer also came to life, moving his head towards your outstretched hand as they went to grab for their notebook and pen. That motion combined with yours caused a painful collision for the both of you. As it had not gotten a chance to change trajectory towards their shoulder, your unprepared hand bent awkwardly as it made contact with the side of the person’s head. A loud “oh fuck” chorused from the both of you, as both parties retracted as if burnt. Had you mentioned it was not your day?

“Is there a reason why I’m being assaulted at...1am on a Tuesday in the library?”. the seat stealer asked as he turned around to face you completely. He finally had a voice as well, and it was just as nice as the humming. Scrunching your nose in annoyance, you took a deep breath in prepared to tell him off. Not only was HE the one assaulting your hand but also your well deserved seat. Only to do the stereotypical double take. The mop of hair hid a very handsome face. High cheekbones and a pointed nose, your eyes trailed further down to his long neck and toned body. “Uh…” the stranger, seat stealer muttered, his hand going to scratch awkwardly at his long neck. Your brain agreed, “Uh…” you smartly copied snapping your eyes back at the face. You had clearly been caught staring judging by the smug smirk the person had on their face. Not only that but you had managed in a few minutes to smack a total stranger and display copious amounts of intelligence whilst trying your hand at a smart rebuttal to their question.

“So, now that I have your attention. Care to tell me why you are assaulting me at 1am on a Tuesday?” The tone of voice was less alarmed, more amused now. As if he clearly found your embarrassment entertaining.

“Assault? I have not assaulted you….you seat stealer!” You furiously exclaimed only to be interrupted by an equally stressed out fellow student“, Keep it down”. Only then did you become aware of the situation you are in. Three other rows of desks near the one you were currently at, and each of them seated a student who, like you, probably either had exams or deadlines. They were sleep deprived, hungry, and probably had too much caffeine running through their blood for their own good. And they were all focused on your form. To embarrass you further, the seat stealer even had the audacity to smugly smile and whisper “yeah, shhhhh.”

Getting redder by the minute, whether in mortification at being told off by the student a few rows away from you or from increasing anger at the seat stealer, you bent down, eyes narrowed “you….you...shush, and whilst you are at it, get out of my seat, you seat stealer”. You were unsure whether your shouted whisper would sound menacing enough to convey the mixture of emotions running through your veins at the moment. The stranger’s smug smile dropped instantly, a look of confusion replacing it, “seat stealer? What is that about?”

“You stole my seat!”

“I did not. The seat was free. If you passed by it, it was free and you didn’t sit down or leave your stuff on the chair; it doesn't automatically make it yours.” The stranger shrugged carefully, studying your expressions. What he saw must have really amused him because he started snickering to himself. Getting redder by the minute your rebuttal was weak, if only you’d have thought about it beforehand.

“I only have my laptop on me! And I left a note and my precious pen on the desk! A note which you have thrown out to steal my seat.” That is when it all went downhill. “you ‘strange seat stealer’!” the snickers coming from the handsome man got even more violent, to the point of you worrying about him choking- had you not been angry at him you would have asked if he was ok. Unfortunately, you were angry and nothing he did could have solved that.

The stranger abruptly stood up, so close to your face that you could see the numerous lashes that shadowed his dark eyes, amusement still plastered onto his face. He grabbed your elbow lightly, giving you a chance to break free if needed, but you were so stunned by his actions that all you could do was question how handsome his angular face was. “You’re cute, and that was a smart, if odd, alliteration you made there” He breathed, the action making a stray strand of hair blow away from your face, “but we’re making a scene”.

“Wh-” before you could process what he’d said, he trailed his hand from your elbow to your own hand and lightly gripped it with the intention of moving you away. The sudden jolt sprung your brain back to life and you tried fruitlessly to pull your hand away from his grip. Unfortunately, your brain decided to work a bit too late, as you were already past the rows of desks and shelves of books, closer to the lift lobby on that floor. “I am not making a scene, you are making a scene. Who are you to get me away from my seat not only once, but twice?!” Your feet firmly planted on the ground and finally got the stranger to stop. “I don’t know who you are” as he made a move to talk, you interrupted “and I don’t care, I saw that seat first, left a note on it to say I was going to be back and you stole it! I need the space!”

“Why?” The stranger calmly asked. His face showed no signs of anger or frustration, and it seemed like it belonged like that, serene and peaceful. And it made you wonder if anything could ever anger this man. Sure, you did not know him but you had been yelling in his face for the past minute. His demeanour and question threw you off so much so that your brain once again hiccuped.

“What do you mean why?”

“I mean why do you NEED the space, it’s clear that you do not have a bag or any belongings for that matter.” He gave you a once over to emphasize his words, his calm eyes lingering a bit too long on your form for your anger to continue overriding the flustered mess that you had become. “I- I do!” You don’t know why you needed to prove yourself to him, but it was a valid question he’d asked. So, you showed him the arm he was not holding, that carried a laptop. Realising he was still holding onto your hand, the sudden thought made you suddenly hot and clammy and before he could do anything about it you pulled it out of his warm hold.

Trying to ignore the loss of warmth the contact brought you, you looked away flustered.

“This cannot be happening. Look, I sat down there first, I put a note down because I needed to go find a book for my essay and….oh god...it’s due in like…..five hours”. Not looking at him the entire time you explained your situation to him, frustration and anxiety taking over your anger you missed the worried look he threw at your red face and the slight movement he made with his hands as if to grab your fretting ones. Instead when you looked back at him after a couple of moments of silence, what you saw was him studying the space behind you closely. “Hey! Are you even listening?” You got over your anger and tried to explain, (not that you needed to) somewhat logically to make this person understand why you needed the seat back and all they did was ignore you.

“Have you found the book that you needed?” He turned his attention back to you, a small smile forming onto his face. You did not know whether it was the fact that he completely ignored what you had said earlier, the untimely smile he gave you, or the fact that your heart sped up at the said smile, but your anger went through the roof once again.

“No! Now excuse me whilst I go reclaim my seat. If you want to waste time out here just staring at the walls, that is your issue, some of us have problems they need to fix.” Making a move to turn around you halted, realising you were going the wrong way. Mumbling to yourself you brushed past the guy and headed for the lifts. Calling the lift you tapped your foot impatiently. You could find another seat somewhere else, and if not, you were desperate enough to finish the paper that you would risk your own bottom and sit in between shelves. It felt like an eternity until the lift arrived and as soon as you got in you pressed the button for the floor above you thinking you may have some luck there. Surveying the corridor you noticed that the guy had left, and surprisingly a twinge of disappointment made you sigh. You just wanted to continue the argument, nothing else.

Right before the doors to the lift could close though a running form made its way to the lift sliding in between the door with swift grace, almost barreling into you. It took you a moment to realise it was the seat stealer with his bags packed up and his laptop in his hands. “What are you doing?” you hissed as you noticed he cancelled your floor and pressed the tower one instead. “Making up for stealing your seat”, he casually replied as he observed the numbers in the lift change.

“By not letting me go find another seat?” you huffed, “you could have just vacated the seat earlier and it would have all been fine.”

“But it wouldn’t have given me an excuse to talk to you for longer than three seconds would it? I’m Hoseok by the way.” He turned and smiled at you, the dimples in his cheeks becoming prominent. Rendered speechless by his forwardness, you did not know how to respond. So you settled onto clearing your throat and willing the blush that was taking over the apples of your cheeks away. Not meeting his eyes and refusing to grant him with the same grace and give him your name, you chose instead to ask where he was planning to take you. His response was just as cryptic as his previous one, “you will see”.

The rest of the way had been spent in silence, you having given up on trying to argue with the seat stealer...Hoseok. You repeated the name in your head multiple times, it suited him. For a brief second you wondered how it would sound if you said it out loud, but you squashed that thought away very quickly. You weren’t friends or even acquaintances so there was no reason for you to do so.

Whilst your brain was running a hundred miles an hour, throughout this time Hoseok took the time to observe you. Undeniably pretty, a smile made its way onto his face as he watched the different faces that you were pulling clearly lost deep in thought. You are cute. He knew that your argument couldn’t even be called as such. To his defense, the seat he had occupied had nothing on it. It was only when he ran back to gather his things and rush back to you that he noticed the note and the pen that were lying on the floor near the foot of the desk. In his haste he had grabbed both of them hoping that if his plan did not work he would have another excuse to approach you at some point. Now, those two items were weighing down in his pocket. Your name, which you had not freely given to him but it was written on the note, burnt into his mind. Maybe he did not need them after all. He would give you your pen back of course, but he would keep the note. It would be good memorabilia in the future.

The lift came to a halt and the doors opened .This time Hoseok did not even hesitate to grab your hand and lead you to your destination as he was afraid you would run away from him. Your heart thumping again at the gesture you let yourself be led by him too astonished to say anything. Who was this human being and why was he so friendly after you’d argued for the good part of an hour. Before you could panic about the time you had lost, Hoseok stopped abruptly.

‘We’re here’ he motioned with his free hand. The one that did not occupy yours.

Realising so you tried to inconspicuously free your hand from his, the astonishment at his behaviour quickly turned into amazement at the choice of space he was presenting you with. You were not a fan of the tower as heights were a bit of a stretch for you but the cosy alcove with window seats and the view of the night time sky it provided were enough to make you forget that. “Woah, how did you find this place?”’ You mumbled and quickly went to the window observing the lights of the city behind you. For how late it was, the scenery down below was surprisingly animated. Not getting a response you turned around thinking he had abandoned you there. What you were not expecting was the bashful look he was giving you whilst rubbing the back of his neck. “Uhm, by mistake really, I just happened to wander here one day and yeah...thought it was quiet enough and...well, I needed to make up for the fact that you did not have a seat in the end and you said you needed to finish your paper and…yeah’

Him reminding you of the paper that was now due in less than three hours made you jump in panic. Without thinking you threw your laptop onto the little table space that the alcove offered and sat down. Typing your password you opened the document you were working on. Whilst waiting for it to load you hesitated, bit your lip and looked up.

“Are you not going to sit down? I assume you also have work to do since you are here?” Without looking, you motioned to the seat directly across from you. This could end up being the best decision of your life or your worst... but you came to the conclusion you wouldn’t know unless you took a chance. Hearing him shift his feet and the feel of his knees close to yours as he sat down was enough to make you blush again. Here it goes, now or never.

‘I’m Y/N by the way’ you looked up in time to see him smile.

‘I know’

#jhope x reader #jhope x you #jhope x y/n #bts jhope #kpop scenarios #bts scenarios #i lowkey wrote this whilst not having slept for a week so i'm sorry #bts x you #bts x reader scenario

43 notes · View notes

tylerwritez · 4 years ago

Text

OKAY ANWYAYS its 10:57 p.m. Wednesday June 23

I'm gonna start writing my entry now so that later I'm not too exhausted to actually TALK about stuff.

Yesterday Bee gave me a link to watch Supernatural on my computer so later tonight I probably will.

I'm in class right now, we just had a test on evolution (boring) and I studied some of the book State And Revolution by Lenin (I also took notes) (he's 100 percent correct by the way)

I just had a wonderful discussion with my friend on Instagram XD it was kinda funny. I dont have much else to say Yet. I'm having a coffee and listening to Samaris

I guess that will be my song recommendation for today since I'm listening to it right now XD

Also my parents said yes to letting me go to Jay's house to watch Insidious after school, I just gotta be back for supper! I'm excited abt that... cos he is actually like. The best. So in honour of that or whatever I'm giving yall TWO song recs today... also I dont think I gave one yesterday so here is Jay's fave song XD we gave different taste you'll notice,,, if you pay attention to the stuff I reccomend

Like he listens to old stuff XD he liked this weezer song from my playlist so you get the vibes. WEEZER IS GOOD THO omg thank u K (I'm just gonna call him K) for recommending me weezer! I knew a radiohead fan would give me good music lol.

Actually I talked to K a while ago and told him about how insanely transgender the song Bodysnatchers is and he was like wow so true so I figured I'd tell yall to listen to this if ur trans because like I know everyone's got a #different experience but for me I was like holy Shit this is so trans

Anwyays idk it makes more sense if u listen to the LYRICS.

Please I'm supposed to talk about my DAY now we are onto music oh well I guess it happens sometimes plus I'm bored I hate bio class

Okay so now we have come to the thesis that kinks are contagious wow fun times in the insta chat XD

It's now 4:16 p.m. I'm back from school! Turns out I couldn't go over to Jay's cos he has work :( which made me a bit sad BUT IT'S OKAY! We can always hang out another time you know?

I'm just studying right now for my final exam... TOMMOROW

Update: 8:15 p.m.

I'm out biking. We've mildly vandalized a school, I'll attach images after I remove the exit data... it probably doesnt count as VANDALISM tho like it can easily be washed off.

My sister made some new friends her age and whatnot. Idk, just regular stuff.

Update: 10:43 p.m. I was frustrated while studying because some of the questions are stupid and I'm stupid and I cant remember TWO ENTIRE UNITS so that's fun. I got really upset. Idk.

Also Star is kinda being bitchy. Like, I know shes upset cos I dont give her enoguh attention but like... do YOU give me attention? Like, shes always so mean out of the blue, even if I try to be nice or if I'm BUSY AND NOT IGNROING HER, BUT BUSY... and it puts me off and it makes me not wanna talk to her like what's the point in saying "hey how was ur day?" If shes gonna act like a bitch to me :| I just dont understand like if she wants soemthing she should say it outright and PUT SOME EFFORT in jesus christ.

Sorry. I dont hate her and I'm not mad at her, I'm just fed up! I'm tired!!! Okay??? Am I not allowed to be exhausted sometimes?

Whatever. I mean at least I got to drink monster.

I gotta start dieting again cos I'm gaining weight :( and its upsetting me

Anyways this whole thing with Jay and Star is kinda confusing and dramatic and I'm kinda tired idk. Its MY OWN FAULT but I just want to be able to. Idk. Not hurt anyone. Whatever. It's too late now and it's not really worth trying anymore.

I hope Jay doesn't just totally ditch me when he goes to college... :( I would be so sad... it's a good thing I can spam his number and insta XD

Wish me luck on my final exam. I need it.

And if anyone knows any good ways to avoid cutting myself, TELL ME!!! Because DAMN I really want to go spend all my money on a four dollar knife/steal a knife then SLICE MYSELF UP. SO BAD. jesus.

I think I should just die I'm actually a horrible person.

Update: its 11:22 p.m. and my parents are FUCKING ARGUING AGAIN JESUS CHRIST JUST FUCKING DIVORCE ALREADY. I wish my lil sister didn't have to hear this shit... oh well. I'm already a shitty influence anyways so I guess it doesn't matter.

... have you ever seen your parents CRY? Because I have. And jesus christ it's the actual worst thing ever. Especially if you're young. Especially if it's YOUR fault... Especially if it's over shit you could barely even comprehend because of your age. Money. Shit like that. They LOOK at you with this expression, like a fucking wounded animal. It's the expression of someone just totally fucking defeated. The expression of soemone who is frightened. And its fucking scary, especially when it's your fault.

My mom does this every time she sees I've cut myself again. I hate it. Makes me wanna cut more because STOP IT. she always looks dESTROYED. It's the worst.

Sometimes they argue and fight and shit and they yell at you yell at you Yell at you scare you into submission and fuck having angry parents is terrifying because they're suppsoed to protect you and be understanding and gentle with you, the child, the cattle of the shepard, the egg of the black goat... ESPEICALLY WHEN YOU ARE IN PAIN. Every time you cry they get angrier and angrier, every time you wear what u wanna wear they get angrier and angrier, every time you are ANYTHING OTHER THAN WHAT THEY WISH YOU WERE... they get angry. You start to feel like maybe they dont ACTUALLY love you. There is a disconnect between what you need and what you are given. What you see in media and what you see at home. You start to feel like shit.

Eventually you learn that if you dont want the head of your favourite stuffed animal twisted off or your sisters barbie doll thrown out the window in a moving car or to be verbally insulted or to have them do SCARY things like make moves toward you before they remember they aren't suppsoed to hit you and just punishment that's emotionally fucking damaging all those words that you remember years later but they don't, every time they tell you they wish you were dead.... you gotta be quiet. Shut up. Do as you're told and don't say a fucking WORD. good boy. Upset? Don't tell them. Don't cry in front of them. Say nothing. Maintain the illusion, it'll keep you safe.

Soon enough your entire life is a secret and you need therapy but can't get it and wow, I wonder why I'm like this? I fucking wonder.

They aren't even arguing anymore but I wish they would shut up because I dont wanna hear their voices its making me ANXIOUS...

Sometimes I feel like I never got to develop past a certain point in childhood. Maybe 5, 10, 3, 6, I dont fucking know. Over 2 and under 10. Like my brain is emotionally stuck there and all of my behaviour is stuck there too. Sometimes if shit hurts me in ANY WAY I just sorta allow the bad hurt to happen. I tell myself, endure. Stay quiet, don't say a word. I've trained myself this way and now it's hard to learn to be loud and talk to people and be my own self without being scared. And part of this... is why I appreciate my friends and JAY. Jay, who always makes sure I'm okay. And everyone I know who likes to drop into my messages every once in a while to see how I'm doing... everyone who never forgets about me.

I'm actually so fucking appreciative of all my friends.

I don't know. I just... wish it was easier to sort out my shit but I guess not

Update: it's now 3:09 a.m. and I'm so fucking tired but whatever. I talked to Jay and it's hard to say much because I'm so tired but FUCK I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM JESUS CHRIST IM IN LOVE?!?!?!!! goddamnit it I just wanna be with him constantly...

Also I told him I was worried and he said, with his cute fucking voice, that I shouldnt worry cos he wouldnt just leave me. And. ThaNK YOU JAY. IF YOURE READING THIS, THANK YOU. Sometimes I get this dude's messages and just fucking smile. Hes the best and I love him. His whole self is a thing of beauty that I admire so much hes so charismatic and attractive and CUTE and I always tell him he's overconfident but MAN if i was that guy I'd be such a douchebag from confidence... dont tell him that though, xD like man I'm trying my best but at this point I wouldnt know what to fucking do if he went away. Like I'd cry so much.... I hope he doesnt move on from me too quick.

I'm so. I feel happy. Because I'm looking at everything and I feel so happy I'll cry and so sad I'll laugh. It's like being in a shitty coming of age movie where they play pop punk and the main character has his moment with the hot girl at the school dance or whatever bullshit. I feel like that. But its also like that same main character in his late forties stumbling upon an old photo of him and his highschool girlfriend and killing himself from love.

Here's what I'm listening to now... this plus a bunch of nostlagia inducing songs earlier... I just. Memories. So many. I almsot want to cry. Like. Look at them. Hold them in your hands as if they're these lovely little stones you found on the ground and put in your pockets cos they had cool stripes. Feel their WEIGHT. It's one of those things where it's so happy it's sad. It's so sad its happy. You're laughing and crying all at once and all you want is a hug. Because you can FEEL the human parts of you coming out, seeping out like a styro, starts off white then... blood. Humanity. I am vulnerable and exposed and I leave myself here.

HAN LEID, HAN LEID, HAN LEID,... han varr.

He walked, he walked, he walked,... he became.

I guess I'm still walking. But jesus christ. People affect me so much. So much. These memories, how it was cold or sunset or hot outside or nighttime and dark, how we were there as humans. I'd never be happier than in those little moments but you don't see it until years later. You don't see how important it was until you think of it and cry... fucking hell. Nils, Mark, Gabe, Max, James, Kyle, Liz,, every friend I've ever had. Nothing is better than music and memories because jesus christ I would've loved to have... died.

Died? No. My brain does this thing... I dont mean died. I guess I mean I wouldve liked to be frozen in those moments.

Sometimes I get a similar feeling. It's not the same, but its similar. This thing where you are so happy and grateful and sad because this is a tragedy and wow look. A happy moment in a tragedy. But jesus its happy enough and I want to cry because I really do appreciate the people who's lives cross paths with mine. I cry because I think of every little moment in which I knew that I wasnt alone and every little moment in which I felt their SOUL with mine and every little moment where my heart was touched... even unintentionally and in ways that dont make sense.

There was a girl, I'll call her Jade, I came out to her before anyone else. And sometimes, in the back of my head, I play that moment. In my mind. It was over fucking Skype. But I still felt it.

Oh man... I should proabably tell my coming out story. The story of how I came out to my parents. I was scared. I really was... but I felt like if I couldn't be ME, I couldn't live, or at least I didn't want to.

This was the song I played as I wrote a letter at... around this time actually, 3 or 4 am

I wrote it so spontaneously. I didn't even THKNK. I just wrote it. Because I was tired of crying myself to sleep every night and well... I had camp the next morning. That gave them a solid week or so to think about my letter... that would ensure they would be able to cool off whatever anger it would make them feel.

I wrote on one sheet of sketchbook paper front and back. I tried my best to explain. I tried my best. And that paper is stained with tears and still rests in my moms sock drawer

The whole thing got complicated after that... but in the end it worked out, with a lot of fucking work and persistence on my part.

Soemtimes I hope they look at it and cry themselves like how I did writing it.

Sometimes I just wish things were different. But they're not. I gotta deal with this.

But hey! Hey! We were happy earlier. Because... I dont kNow. I love everyone and I love the planet and i never want anyone to have to be hurt. Okay??? I love. Everyone.

Its hyperbole but still. I just want the best for everyone and I hate when other people are suffering cos it makes me upset. And. I don't know. I feel so... emotional right now. Like right now? I just want to hug everyone. And tell them that I'm here. And that it's okay. Look at me, dude! Look at me. I fucking made it... kinda. You can too! If you're reading this and you feel like shit... pull through. Please. I believe you can. I love you ANF I care about you and if you ever need help, message me.

Whatever I just. I dont know. I feel all like I just want everyone to be happy and at peace.... because I remember SO MUCH and all of it is making me cry a lot because I'm full of love okay? Like. I just care about people. I had to say goodbye to all of them but I don't fucking forget. I NEVER FORGET. It's a curse and... right now? The saddest blessing ever.

I had to say goodbye... yknow, I've never been good at goodbyes. I hope I don't have to say goodbye to Jay for a while. A long time. And when we do... I hope I can listen to his song and think of him and pull out every memory as perfectly as I can for everyone else. I just. I don't know. I see all these people in my mind, in flashes and it all comes flooding back to me. That isnt just a face. That was my friend and now they're gone. That was my friend and now? Not a word from them... that was my best friend and now its awkward. I don't want that anymore.. its painful. All of these people that have forgotten me years ago... who I still remember. Ouch. I dont know. I think I'm being dramatic because tlaking to Jay and being sleep deprived made me all mushy and then I listened to music. So.

Music makes everything feel so much more consuming but I cant live without it.

I dont even know

I'm just happy that I get to experience love.

Even if in the very end I am left alone... even if I'm tormented with memories of a happiness that can only be temporary,,,

I still appreciate it all and I'm full of love and appreciation I'm happy and i want to say THANK YOU to everyone

Signing off at 3:50 a.m,

Jude Shepard

2 notes · View notes

georgeinamerc · 3 years ago

Note

ACCIDENTALLY SPENT MY LIFE MAKING SURE EVERYONE WAS COMFORTABLE AND IGNORING HOW I WASNT TWEET COMING FOR MY FUCKING THROAT HOLY SHIT VAS ARE YOU OKAY DO YOU NEED A HUG IM GONNA FLY TO GREECE TO VISIT YOU I STG BB i just got off with my therapist too sa;lfjasdl;kjfasdlk;j that tweet really making me stare at my computer like :( its CORRECT but DAMN

for reals tho bb are you okay im sending you all the hugs. Lmk if you wanna watch smthn today I've got 0 things on my schedule

wuv youuuuu sending you cool blankets on a hot day and soft forehead kisses

-JC

I wrote a reply to you 2 times and tumblr glitched in both so now i’m fucking drafting this on my google docs😭 I swear that was my last straw lmaooo

Anyways, i really am not doing good but i seriously can’t thank you enough for the kindness you always bring to my inbox!! It helps me so so much, you are an amazing human being❤️❤️

DUDE that tweet fucking destroyed meeee it’s really alarming how relatable my socials are getting atp… sorry for attacking you w it as well tho 😫 PLEASE you are welcome any time here hahah i could even take you to an island for vacation just sayingg 👁️👄👁️ Ahh i really do need a hug rn tho ngl, it’s been one of the worst periods of my life. We've had so many failed attempts at finding an apartment for me and the day we were supposed to go see one that looks really fitting for me, my brother had his medical exams. It’s been 2 weeks and they haven’t contacted since. Then as you’ve probably seen my therapist lowkey ghosted me jhbgjtbrjg and my dad is just being his usual self… There’s more but i wouldn’t want every thought of mine to be on the open for the whole tumblr to see, yk, i may be the queen of oversharing but even i have boundaries😭

Lmao we really should have a call and just complain about everything and everyone hahah pls feel free to let it all out here if u need to, i would never post any of it obviously but just know you have an ear that will listen<3 I would love it but i have SO much studying for my exams and i shouldn’t procrastinate more :( we’ll find a day for it tho!!

Love you sm and again thank you for everything, i'm so glad tumblr gave me an amazing person like you❤️❤️❤️❤️

#long post #many kisses to you too x #jc💙

0 notes

scottyallenw · 5 years ago

Text

𝙒𝙃𝙀𝙉 𝙄𝙎 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝘾𝙃𝙐𝙍𝘾𝙃 𝙂𝙊𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙏𝙊 𝙂𝙍𝙊𝙒 𝘼 𝙋𝘼𝙄𝙍

(2,219 words)

Not long ago a female member of my extended family posted on social media the claim that President Trump fits the definition of a demagogue perfectly. I know that God has anointed Trump to shake up the Washington establishment, remove trade barriers, ignite political firestorms and prosecute widespread corruption. So I reacted angrily to the post. Fired up, I immediately typed the following comment on her post:

“Yes, Yeshua HaMashiach (Jesus the Christ) fits the definition perfectly. He went out of his way to piss off a large portion of the populace, sorry ass religious leaders, lawyers and politicians. Yeshua knew what he was doing; he knew what his enemies would do. The rest is history: the Roman proconsul, afraid of a large angry mob, turned Yeshua over to his soldiers for execution. Then he washed his hands of the whole thing. Today we have a President who like Yeshua is taking a wrecking ball to the political establishment, hurting people’s feelings and with his Twitter feed exposing hypocrisy. In my opinion we need more people like Yeshua and Trump, turning the world upside down.”

Shortly after this, the woman deleted my comment. I was saddened, and asked myself if I was too brutal. But no, it is the truth that is brutal. Having thought it over, I had no remorse.

But does Scripture reveal Yeshua's true character? Absolutely. Yet Yeshua is widely misunderstood to be simply an easygoing advocate of love and peace, making no demands of His followers. My reading of the gospels recognizes a Yeshua not only with a prickly side, but a Messiah with a fighting spirit. His actions and remarks often cut into the hearts of His adversaries. He was and still is a soldier in a war against hypocrisy. Some day Mashiach will return and put the wicked out of business. But I'm sure the Master would prefer His people finish the job first.

To properly appraise Yeshua's character one must study the man in action. Consider the following account in Luke 6 where Yeshua encounters on the Sabbath a man whose hand is withered. He wants to heal the man, but He also notices scholars and Pharisees nearby hoping to accuse Him of working on Shabbat.

Yeshua defiantly leads the man to a place where everyone, but especially His potential accusers, can get a good look. Yeshua asks the man a question that He really intends for the ears of the religious leaders:

“What is correct on Shabbat: to cause good or to cause harm? To rescue life, or to harm?” Yeshua “looked around intently at all of them,” before healing the man.

The scholars and Pharisees “were wild with rage...” It is exactly the reaction Yeshua intended to incite. Perhaps Yeshua even relished the anger directed at Him. He knew they would plot His crucifixion. With the Shabbat healing He had handed them as it were the hammer and nails to do the job. But He also knew His time had not yet come, and so He slipped away through the crowd.

John 6 relates an episode that epitomizes the notion that Yeshua, like Trump, was born to offend. It involves a vast crowd which has grown about Yeshua during a series of the Master’s signs and miraculous healings. Yeshua understands that most of the new followers are fake. The masses care only about the spectacle of signs and wonders. They also want to declare Yeshua King. They lack any interest whatsoever in obeying His commands or hearing His interpretation of the Torah.

Yeshua conceives a shrewd plan to thin the crowds. He recognizes that Jewish familiarity with Torah is widespread, particularly its prohibition against consuming blood and human flesh. This is abhorrent to all Judeans. So Yeshua turns to the crowd and makes this startling declaration:

“Amen, amen, I say to you, if you do not eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you do not have life within you.”

The people are stunned by HaMashiach’s words and begin to murmur. Yeshua’s assertion strikes many as repugnant, and even the Master’s close followers are confused. The crowd begins to disperse. As Yeshua fully expected, little more than the core group of 12 disciples are left. Unlike many 21st century mega church pastors, Yeshua is less interested in numbers than in devotion. By deliberately offending the masses, Yeshua is left only with the loyal few.

Matthew 23 describes another public demonstration of Yeshua's remarkable choice of words: it involves the Messiah’s fiery confrontation in the Holy City with His favorite target audience—hypocritical religious leaders. The passage is popularly known as the Eight Woes. Most Christian translations quote Yeshua’s string of rebukes with these words: “Woe to you scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, because you...”

The original language of the New Testament is widely understood to be Greek. However scholars now believe the book of Matthew was originally written in Hebrew, and early manuscripts are being studied. The original language of Luke is also believed to be Hebrew and some scholars believe the entire New Testament was originally written in Hebrew.

A few years ago I was seated among a Grand Rapids, MI, congregation whose senior pastor had a background in Hebrew studies. The pastor explained what he regarded as a more accurate rendering of the Eight Woes passage. Yeshua's words are commonly translated from the Greek, “Woe to you...” Properly translated from Hebrew, Yeshua actually said, “GOD DAMN YOU, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites...,” (emphasis added). The pastor’s congregation was stunned by the language, as was I. The fighting words Yeshua used permanently altered my perception of the risen Savior.

Now imagine if you will a society in which ancient truths and assumptions once thought to be self-evident, are questioned and finally tossed aside. This of course is not hard to imagine; it is the current state of American society. Its citizens are told a man can be a wife, a woman can be a husband. and a man can bear a child.. Americans are even told an OB-GYN can treat a person with male genitalia—assertions which only decades ago would be thought absurd.. Such reckless claims are now accepted by a majority as fact!

The United States Declaration of Independence states: We hold these truths to be self-evident... Will these once-cherished convictions be among the next batch of truths to come under attack, and finally discarded?

The following few paragraphs will hopefully add clarity to what is at stake. High school geometry students are taught they must accept certain common sense assumptions on which to build a mathematical framework of theorems. Each of these are proved by a chain of reasoning. For example, students will readily accept the claim that two parallel lines will never intersect, even if the lines extend towards infinity. Widespread rejection of this common sense assumption would make the teaching of traditional geometry impossible.

College mathematics offers students a different perspective of not only geometry, but the nature of truth. A course called abstract geometry is built on a set of counterintuitive assumptions. To pass this course students must for several hours each week discard all notions of common sense. One proposition in this mathematical model is that two parallel lines will always intersect as they extend to infinity. If this is assumed along with other absurd truths, an entire universe of theorems can be proven. It works beautifully. I enjoyed the course. But after final exams we students set aside this nonsense and rejoined the real world. We realized abstract geometry is just mental acrobatics. It can't work in a functioning society. Could the Mackinac Bridge in Michigan have been built using this kind of math?

Abstract geometry is a type of an Orwellian world. It is similar to what our own society is becoming. Highly educated and experienced jurists have in recent decades rejected the bedrock truths of Mount Sinai in favor of new ideas that now enjoy widespread public acceptance. From the legalization of sodomy, these judges concluded by a chain of reasoning that same-sex marriage is a constitutional right. From the assumption that a human fetus is not a person, jurists rule abortion is a constitutional right. It's all perfect logic, but the proofs are based on false assumptions. Consider the following scripture:

“You shall not move your neighbor's boundary mark, which the ancestors have set...” (Deuteronomy 19:14)

Jewish sages explained long ago that this admonition has a metaphorical meaning in addition to its literal interpretation. It is a warning to elders and jurists: never overturn principles that have been widely accepted and have governed society for centuries, let alone millennia. One by one the courts have within less than an average human lifespan, torn down many of America's boundary markers.

Local school boards in California are already mandating indoctrination of children in Islamic and LGBT ideologies. Boys of believing parents possibly will be taught using artificial body parts how to sodomize another male. Officials are also talking about forcing believing parents who homeschool their children to do the same.

It's time for the Church to flex spiritual muscle. Our model is the biblical accounts of the Master Himself. Yeshua never allowed adversaries to force Him into a defensive posture. He stayed on offense. When accused, Yeshua responded with on-target scripture, a clever parable or pointed questions. He was unafraid to follow up with accusations of His own.

We live in an age when the ACLU regularly sues conservatives, Christian cake makers and flower arrangers for supposed anti-LGBT bias or religious expression in the public square. The Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) for the same reason puts churches and other religious organizations on its well-circulated list of hate groups. Both of these organizations want the public to believe they stand for justice, civil rights and goodness. In reality these are wicked people who are relentless, full of hate and attempting to oppose the Church's every positive move in America.

Why is it the ACLU and SPLC rarely get sued? It's time for the Church to fight back. Let's force the enemy onto the defensive for a change. For that we need generous believers who have money, lots of it. It's time for wealthy believers in Yeshua to step up. The Church needs its own version of George Soros.

“No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he'd only had good intentions; he had money as well,” Margaret Thatcher (the Iron Lady) said years ago.

While big money is needed, the most important battles will involve our own interactions with others, especially on social media. Many of our best soldiers regularly get kicked off these platforms. Others suffer more serious consequences for standing on God's Word.

Ruach HaKodesh (the Holy Spirit) will give us just the right words to powerfully respond to enemy attacks. I was seated once again years ago with that Grand Rapids congregation listening to the same pastor. This time he read the English translation of an ancient Roman court transcript from the time of the early Church. This was a time when the Roman Empire clamped down ruthlessly on the Church, putting many believers to death.

The case involved one of the believers in Yeshua whom the Romans placed on trial for his faith. The man knew the Romans were about to sentence him to death. He addressed the judge and prosecutor with chilling words that brought his modern listeners back nearly two millennia. It was like we were in that courtroom with him. The brave man’s statement, as recorded on the transcript, went something like this:

“A time will come when you will be sorry for what you have done here today. Both of you will stand in a courtroom much like this one. You will be on trial for your lives before a prosecutor and judge, just as I am today. And standing off to the side you will see me, quite alive and well. I will be there to testify against the both of you.”

In his six-volume memoir of the Second World War, the former British prime minister Winston Churchill recalls the dark days of Germany’s relentless bombing campaign against London and other large cities. For an extended period early in the war the cities were all but defenseless, there being no anti-aircraft weaponry available. But eventually large numbers of anti-aircraft

guns were placed throughout the populated areas. War-weary British citizens huddling in bomb shelters heard not only the explosions of German bombs—they were exhilarated by the overpowering blasts of countless heavy guns firing back at the German bombers. The knowledge they were finally fighting back against their merciless enemy did wonders for British moral, and contributed to bringing about eventual victory.

Is the Church up to the task of confronting the forces of evil in America? Will the job require a leader in the mold of Churchill? My choice rather would be a great spiritual leader in the mold of Yeshua Himself. We must view the conflict as Churchill early on wanted his people to view the Nazi threat looming just across the English Channel: “regard the menace of invasion with a steady gaze.” ##

* 𝙔𝙚𝙨𝙝𝙪𝙖 𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖 𝙩𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝 𝙘𝙧𝙤𝙬𝙙

1 note · View note