#like he was really nice but neither of us suggested meeting up again so mehhhh

[misscrawfords]

Siiiiiiiiiiigh

Prefacing this with saying that I know that I have a problem and I am going to try to get another therapist to try to help me deal with it better as I wasn't really making progress in this area with the previous one.

A friend (who I haven't seen in like 8 years so basically just an Instagram mutual at this point) got me in touch with a guy she met on a dating website who wasn't for her thought I might like.

You all know how much I hate and don't get on with and feel crushingly anxious about internet dating. But I thought I should at least try again.

So we've been messaging a bit every few days and my anxiety in this area is SO BAD that thinking about how to reply to every message he sends makes me feel sick and start crying and taking about 2 days to figure out how to reply.

The messages are innocuous. They're things like "How long have you been single?" and making suggestions about meeting up.

He lives on the other side of London so a good two or so hours away from me and his latest suggestion is that he comes all the way to my side of London on Friday evening. I'm free Friday evening and I just can't think of anything worse. Firstly, that's SO FAR for him to come just to meet a random stranger off the internet. I would have to make it worth while somehow and that's so terrifying. What does that mean? I can't do that! I'm boring as toast and extremely awkward on a first date. It's such a waste of his time. The fairer alternative is suggesting we meet in London but then I have to spend £30 on train fares to go into London when I'm exhausted from school in order to sit in a bar with a total stranger making small talk and that sounds like hell on earth too. Also going out in the evening means alcohol and I feel uncomfortable as hell drinking alcohol with a stranger. I mean, what if he puts something in my drink? But then to go to a bar and not drink makes me look like a buzz kill or immature.

And the other thing is that I know nothing about him except his job and where he lives and that he wants a serious relationship. I don't know what his hobbies are, what he's interested in, what kind of TV he watches... We're only talking because someone I knew 8 years ago says she thinks we might get on. And I know you're thinking, "Well, just ASK HIM SOME QUESTIONS, ROSE, YOU MORON!" but, like, that involves actually talking to him instead of just messaging every few days and that sounds like such hard work and I'm just SO ANXIOUS.

I want this situation to go away. I don't want to talk to a stranger with no context. It's completely unnatural. But what if I'm missing the chance of my life? How can I possibly throw this away? It's not as if men are queueing up to date me. This is an attractive man with a good job who WANTS TO MEET ME and I'm sobbing daily and losing sleep over how to respond to innocuous texts. If I'm ever going to move past whatever horrific blockage I've got, I have to face my fears, but couldn't I face them more gently? IDK.

It's like... if a student is struggling with a translation, it's important to break down tasks into manageable chunks so the whole passage doesn't look so daunting. But I've got here so many things that are scaring me all at once - internet dating, not knowing someone, his interest, meeting up, drinking, dates - I don't know how to break them down into manageable chunks!

Can I just say something like "I'm sorry but I find after all I'm not really in a place to be dating at the moment" and just nope out of the situation? I want to. But also I'd be so disappointed in myself for giving into fear. But I'm so stressed right now and crying all the time and feel so sick and I just want to get on with my school work and live my life with my friends and enjoy all the cool things I've got lined up over the next few weeks (London trips! Seeing friends! Seeing my parents! Going to the theatre! etc etc) that don't involve strange men.

I need a really good therapist so badly.

(I should point out that when I am not in a dating situation, I am a totally well-adjusted, sociable, friendly, competent adult and human being. My almost phobia of dating is very much an exception to who I am as a person which makes it even more striking.)