#like he plans to end treatment in june and i'm like sir i'm probably going to be in therapy on and off for my entire adult life

[writterings]

hate when therapists get suspicious when you're well educated on mental health and/or are self aware. sir i live here. of course i'm going to be able to articulate myself well about my mental illness. that does not mean im making it up.

[aidanchaser]

Character Profile: Remus John Lupin Canon: friends with James, Sirius, and Peter; Gryffindor prefect; excellent in Defense Against the Dark Arts; a patient professor; loved Tonks; a werewolf AU: Remus' character arc has always been the most clear to me. I knew what I would do with Remus before I knew what I would do with Harry or Regulus or anyone else. You can see the beginnings of his arc as early as Chapter 4 of Philosopher's Stone when he and Lily see Hagrid out.

Lily and Remus walked Hagrid to the door, and Harry went to wait for everyone in the parlor. He heard a quiet conversation between Lily and Uncle Remus, but only the tail end of it, "I understand, Lily —" and her response of, "But you shouldn't. That's what we want you to understand."

I didn't talk about the criticism I've received for how I write Lily (some of it very valid), but I do want to touch one piece of criticism I have gotten about Remus, which is often something along the lines of, "If James and Lily and Sirius all survived, and stayed with him through adulthood, Remus wouldn't hate himself so much."

I did take that thought into account when I began the series. I thought heavily about who Remus is when he is not alone, when he is established in a community, when he has people who can look out for him. I thought about my own mental health, and how that doesn't go away just because I have good friends. I thought about how injustice doesn't go away, even if your closest friends stand with you. I thought about how we internalize oppression, and since I'm writing this post fresh out of a conference on combating systemic injustice and teaching students to recognize and fight oppression, those ideas are all very present in my mind. I kept Remus' self-loathing because it made sense to me that it would persist, despite his friends.

All of Remus' conversations with Sirius and Tonks echo this deeply rooted self-loathing, and I think understanding the depth of those roots is key to understanding Remus. I had never planned on bringing Lyall Lupin into Deathly Hallows, and I don't know when exactly it occurred to me that I should, but I am so glad that I did because that truly is how deep these roots go. We pass on our fears and hate to our children so easily, no matter how much we might try not to, might try to hide them, children know. If we truly want to change the future, we have to change ourselves.

This is an everyone lives AU, so, spoiler, Remus lives. But what is so key to Remus living is that he gets to grow and work through both his understanding of himself and his relationship with the Wizarding World. And if he can't heal himself, he will pass on the same faults to his children, just as his father passed that internalized fear and hatred onto him.

Which brings us to Teddy and Tonks. I always knew that Teddy would exist. He had to. So I knew that Remus would end up with Tonks. I waffled for a while on what I would do with Sirius, and, honestly, Sirius' conclusion has changed several times just in the few months I have been writing Deathly Hallows. I won't say more on it, but I hope people trust me to be as delicate and kind with Sirius' character as I have been with Remus' development.

There were originally notes for Teddy to be a werewolf, or for Remus and Tonks to have a second child who was a werewolf. It always pained me to watch Remus agonize over his unborn child being like him, and for that fear to be unrealized in such a complete way... But, as terrible as werewolfism as a metaphor for HIV is, I want to honor at the bare minimum Remus' realness as an outcast with a very specific curse that has such limited treatment. With that in mind, I could find no known case of someone with HIV fathering (for lack of an ungendered word) a child with HIV. So I will find another way for Remus' growth beyond his father's mistakes to be realized in the end of Deathly Hallows.

I don't want to say much more on Remus' growth and development, because a lot of that will be coming on June 5, when I release Chapter 11, and I want to let that chapter speak for itself.

The last note I do want to make is, as I did for all the Marauders (and Lily), I gave Remus pieces of myself. My own self-loathing and depression is so present in Remus, my absolute worst days go to him (and to Sirius, but in a different way). The thoughts where I feel utterly hopeless and overwhelmed and unworthy are the thoughts I have given to Remus. The coping mechanisms, the friendships that have uplifted me through that, and the conversations I have with my dear friends are the foundation of Remus' relationship with the Marauders. I only hope that bit of myself and my world that I give to them brings them to life in your mind.

Character Notes: friends with Firenze; once had a conversation about death with Sir Nick Remadora: First he was amused, then impressed, then smitten

Addendum: I forgot how meager Remus' notes were. I don't know that I will ever get to touch on the relationship I imagined for Remus and Firenze, nor Remus and Nearly Headless Nick. I had always imagined that both had lengthy conversations with Remus following the death of his mother and helped him grieve during a time when he did not feel able to turn to any of his friends. I always wanted to do more with Firenze, who would have an entirely different relationship with Remus' furry little problem, and probably would have been even better at helping Remus understand himself and trust himself than James and Sirius. But I am not sure it will come up.

Trust me, it is not lost on me that I am writing this fic to expand on a universe I felt was so unexplored, and here I am, failing to explore all that I want to explore.