#like god it's always the same damn thing. each year i hope it'll be different and it's still the fucking same

[seaofreverie]

First day back at the university and I still suck at this exactly as much as I did 4 years ago

[zombiekillerbiceps]

Am I Just a Joke to You?

Note: this was supposed to be so short. It was supposed to be a little drabble but noooooo I have to establish a whole ass dynamic and side characters. God damn it. Why is it this long. Jesus Christ.

Content: Long post, 4.6k words. Slow burn. Leon x Reader, no y/n, ambiguous era Leon between re2 and 4, mutual pining, jealousy, fake dating?, don't get caught, rough sex, size kink, slight possessive kink, proof read.

It takes Leon getting jealous to finally do something about your feelings for him.

---

"I don't dance."

You rolled your eyes at him. You were both all dressed up for a fancy, UN event that was supposed to be some kind of summit but was really just an excuse for bigger fish to rub elbows. Your job was to keep an eye on things. You were supposed to be protecting the president from the shadows. But honestly? You both scanned this place top to bottom. Half the fucking people here were probably various secret agents from every country on the planet with the exact same job as you. You did this kind of shit 5 times a year and nothing ever went wrong.

"How do you just not dance?" You asked him, picking out a martini from a tray as a caterer passed by. "I bet you're just bad at it."

Leon was leaning against the wall, scanning the room like a BOW was going to materialize out of the meticulously waxed tiled ground. He was clean shaven, his hair slicked back in a way that said he cared, but not that much. His suit fit him well. It perfectly hugged his shoulders and was tailored exactly to his height. His sleeves were rolled up, and you had to stop yourself from staring at his toned forearms. How many times did you fantasize about them wrapped around your waist, holding you close to him while he...

"Focus on the mission," he said. You met his eye and instantly felt embarrassed by the amused expression on his face. Fuck. He totally caught you staring.

You hid your embarrassment in the bottom of the martini glass, tilting it up to hide your face while you downed the whole thing. You passed it off to another serving tray bobbing between bodies.

"And maybe ease up on the drinking. We're on the job."

"Oh, like you've never gotten drunk on the job," you replied with an eye roll.

You'd gotten drunk together on a mission just a couple weeks ago! You were trapped in a snowy Swiss cabin with that blizzard keeping the chopper from retrieving you. He was the one that suggested it, even! Bringing over a crystal bottle of whiskey while you stoked a fire. The wood was limited, you needed to ration it carefully so the two of you didn't freeze. It'll warm us up, he said. It'll help with the adrenaline crash, he said. If we don't sleep next to each other, we'll be popsicles by morning, he said.

"That was different. The mission was over." You tried not to get your hopes up that he thought about that night too. It was the most recent incident, of course you'd both think of it. He didn't think of your bodies side by side, just centimeters from touching, hoping with bated breath that he would turn around and kiss you.

"This mission is basically over," you push. "Come on, Leon, this is a cake walk. We're getting paid a boat load just to be here, and if you want to just stand there, then you go ahead. But I didn't sew myself into this dress not to enjoy myself."

He was getting under your skin. He was always getting under your skin. You needed some space from him.

You turned your back on him and walked into the crowd. You didn't really have a path in mind but it looked like you were bee-lining for a buffet table, and you weren't about to embarrass yourself by doubling back. Especially not with his cool gaze on you. God, he was so irritating. Always so unbothered, like everything was a little bit boring to him, or worse - like everything was a bit of a joke. You knew if you turned around he'd have some wisecrack about getting lost, or missing him, or... Oh, who even cared. Why were you still thinking about him and his cocky smile anyways?

"Difficult choice, huh?" A different voice broke through your daydreams and you cursed yourself to get your shit together. The voice was a low, rolling Ghanaian accent, coming from a tall man that was wearing the best fucking cologne you'd ever smelled. You looked up from the expensive deserts you didn't realize you were staring at.

"Y-yeah," you smiled up at him, sizing him up while he took stock of you too. Broad, but not the kind of broad Leon was. Well built, healthy skin, shiny hair, but no scars or callouses. There was intelligence behind his black eyes. He wasn't a threat. Likely a diplomat of some kind. "There's always so much food I've never heard of at these things."

"You are naturally curious, then?" He leaned against the table while he talked to you. He flashed a charismatic smile that should have charmed you, but irritation still itched at the back of your mind.

"As much as anyone else is," you shrugged, pushing away thoughts of Leon and grounding yourself. A perfectly handsome man was flirting with you, fuck Leon. "Are you?"

"Absolutely. My name is Kwameno. Not that one." He extended his hand to shake. You took note of his perfectly manicured nails. You'd wager this man knew how to dance.

Your eyes darted to where you last saw Leon. You didn't know what you were hoping for. His eyes were fixated on you, expression unreadable from this distance. His posture was as unbothered as always. He was probably worried you'd do something stupid, like give your name. You know, you know, we're on a mission, we couldn't underestimate people, this man could be an enemy lying in wait. You had to blink to stop yourself from rolling your eyes at him. You forced your gaze back to Kwameno and shook his hand.

"It's a pleasure." You didn't release his hand, instead taking it in both hands like the two of you were good friends. You leaned forward like you were sharing a secret. "Do you know how to dance, Mr. Kwameno?"

You knew the answer before he gave it. He was the kind of man who was used to women sneaking off with him with just a few words and a brilliant smile. So, you'd be the challenge. A mysterious stranger in a tastefully tight black dress, making him work to charm you. He fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

"I know a little," he said. "May I offer you a dance, Ms..."

"Mrs, actually," Leon's voice hovered behind you, smouldering with something you couldn't quite figure out. A knot worked it's way into your stomach.

"Oh, I apologize sir. I did not realize. I did not see a ring," Kwameno replied. He sounded genuine, but that last comment was an intentional jab.

"Her fingers swell when she drinks," Leon lied. He took one hand in his as if to prove a point, rubbing his thumb in a small circle in your palm. You couldn't ignore the intimacy of the gesture, his chest so close to your back you could sense the rise and fall of his chest.

What the fuck was he doing?

"If you wanted to dance, darling, why didn't you just ask?" Leon's voice was lowered, making it clear he was talking to you and only you. His breath stirred the hair at your temple. Your face almost turned to meet him, but you stopped short. The air felt hot suddenly. The closeness was decidedly unprofessional. It got your hopes up for something you knew he wouldn't give you and worst of all was that smug fucking tone in his stupid voice.

"I did, dear. I believe you told me that you didn't dance." There was barely hidden venom in your voice.

He moved so fluidly you hadn't even noticed that he was already leading you away from the other man. One hand on your waist, leading you towards where people were dancing in a slow, classical style. Some kind of tango, maybe?

"I didn't like that song," he deflected. He turned you to face him, that stupid smirk on his face. You wanted to hit him. You wanted to ask what he was doing this for. He was probably just going to lecture you about letting your guard down and you didn't want to hear it, and your arms were wrapped around the back of his neck before you knew what you were doing.

You should stop, you thought. He probably knew how you felt. He was probably teasing you, always looking for something he could have over you.

Then, one hand was taking yours in his, the callouses mirroring your own. Another found its way to your lower back, pulling you in close to him. He was steady and strong. Confident. You could feel his solid frame beneath the suit as your body pressed close to his. He led you through the dance expertly.

"Where did you learn how to dance?" you asked.

"Would you believe it was part of training?"

"Not unless I missed a memo," you replied.

You didn't know the tango or whatever dance you were doing, and you couldn't pull off any flashy moves, but you also didn't have to. He led, you followed, wordlessly reading and responding to each other. It was like fighting together, but quieter.

You knew you should stop. You knew that whatever this felt like, it wasn't. Yet, you couldn't stop yourself from placing one hand at the back of his neck, feeling the fine hair there. He reached his hand up and pulled yours from the back of his neck, and you burned with embarrassment. He uncoiled your arm from his shoulder. Then, he held you at arm's length.

You were struck by how beautiful he was in the warm lighting. Blonde hair pushed out of his chiseled face for once, letting you take in the sharpness of his features. A soft smile played on his lips. His blue eyes, normally so shadowed, were gentle. They gave his expression something close to open affection. He smiled playfully. Then, he rolled his hips in an exaggerated, flamboyant motion and the sight was so absurd you barked a laugh. He pulled you back in with a spin and a flourish. Your bodies pressed against each other again.

He returned your hand to the back of his neck.

I could kiss him, you thought. His face leaned down towards yours, a hand tracing your back from lower to middle. I should kiss him.

He let out a soft chuckle that turned your blood to slush.

Was this just a fucking game to him? See how far he could take it, just to... To laugh in your face when you finally think of giving in like he's won something? Tears welled in your eyes from the frustration. You pulled away from him.

"Wait, no-"

"Fuck you," you snapped.

You turned on your heel and started to walk away from him. He followed.

"No, wait, let me explain-"

"Am I just a fucking joke to you?" You couldn't look at him. This room was too small, too hot, too many watchful eyes.

"No!" He started to say the first syllable of your name but stopped, seemingly noticing the eyes on you. "Darling, I wasn't-"

"You were being mean!" You turned to face him now, swallowing the tears with your pride. You had killed BOW's the size of a tree and Leon had reduced you to a school-yard child, calling your bully a big dumb meanie pants. You couldn't think of anything else to say. "I can handle the teasing, and the snide insults, and the smartass comments but that was mean."

He stood there, open mouthed and rooted to his place. You took the moment of him being stunned to make your escape. He moved to follow you again when Kwameno stepped between the two of you, and you were thankful to get more ground.

"I don't think the lady wants to talk to you right now," you heard him say. A split moment of quiet before you heard Leon's response.

"If you want to keep that hand, I suggest you take it off me."

You'd rarely heard Leon's voice so threatening. You cast a look behind you to see Kwameno's hand was on Leon's chest. Kwameno was taller than Leon, but Leon was bigger. In muscles and energy. Leon spoke in the kind of way that commanded obedience.

Fuck it. Let them fight, blow our cover, I don't care, you thought, and kept walking.

Ten minutes went by of you searching for a bathroom to hide but, but for whatever goddamn reason the mansion the event was being held in was the only mansion ever built without any goddamn bathrooms.

Fuck! You were so stupid. Not only did you potentially blow your cover with that high school drama bullshit, but you actually believed Leon might want you.

God fucking damn it.

You were lost. You'd wandered into some dark hallway you were pretty sure was off limits, but there was no red tape anywhere and you were pretty dead set on finding a bathroom to hide in. Besides, what else were you going to do? Go back into that ballroom and do your job like an adult? Look Leon in the eyes and pretend like he didn't lean in to kiss you and then laugh in your face?

"Asshole," you said to the empty hallway. You tried a door knob, but it didn't turn. "Why isn't there some kind of bathroom usher. Fucking. Open goddamn it!"

You heard the sounds of footsteps coming down the hall. You knew they were Leon's. You didn't even have to turn your head. You tried the door again like it would magically unlock for you this time.

"I don't think they want you in there," he said, his voice attempting levity.

"Shouldn't you be watching the president."

"Like you said, half the people here are probably secret agents."

"Go do your job," you tried so hard to sound cold, but there was a waver in your voice. You abandoned that door and crossed the hall to try another.

"I wasn't laughing at you," Leon said. There was something genuine in his voice that caught you off guard long enough for him to close the distance between you. "I was just... Surprised."

You looked up at him, defenses flaring, only to lose momentum the second you saw him. The hallway was empty, and the two of you were far enough away from the main party that it felt like you were the only two people in the building. You crossed your arms and leaned against the doorframe. He shoved his hands in his pockets and did the same, infuriatingly handsome while he did it.

"I know you know how I feel about you," you said. You were almost surprised by how tired you sounded. This quiet moment drained the anger from you. "You aren't stupid."

He chewed his lip, meeting your gaze but clearly mulling over what to say. You gave him the time to think it out.

"I didn't think anything would happen between us," he said eventually. "I realized I could kiss you, and..."

He trailed off. He didn't wear vulnerability well. But, neither did you. This was uncomfortable.

"Let's just... Forget this ever happened," you offered.

"No."

"Nothing is going to happen between us."

He took a single step towards you, closing the small distance between you entirely. He leaned on one arm between you and the door, looking down at you. A strand of blonde hair fell loose from his style. There was something pleading and a little confused in his eyes. His other hand brushed your jaw and tilted your head up to look at him. He was so... Gentle. Earnest. Your heart pounded in your chest.

"I want this," he breathed. "Don't you?"

There was no humour or sarcasm in his voice. He wanted you. And, if you were reading this right, he wanted you to want him too. He didn't push, but he didn't back off either. The next move was yours.

Oh, fuck it.

You kissed him. The second your lips met his, everything else faded away except excitement. And then, heat.

He didn't rush the kiss, but his hands were on your body immediately. Grasping at your hips while his tongue met yours, pressing you into the doorframe behind you. Your own hands slipped under his jacket, feeling the muscles under the silk button up he wore. You knew he was fit, you'd seen him in action, but god it was entirely different to feel it for yourself. To feel his strong arms wrapped around you. His hands travelled up the curves of your hips, then gently caressed your shoulders. He was so gentle.

He bit your bottom lip, earning a small noise from you. His kiss traveled down your jaw to the sensitive spot below your ear, beside your throat, the curve of your collar bone. He licked up the length of your neck with hot breath meeting cool air in a way that made you shiver, ending with a kiss that made you moan.

"Leon, don't-" he was already pulling away. You had to catch his shoulders and pull him back, "- don't leave any marks, we're at work."

You could feel him grin into your neck.

"But that's half the fun," he complained, his sultry voice coiling in your stomach. Oh, you'd let him do anything he asked if he asked in that voice.

One of your hands found his belt, pulling his hips flush against yours with it. He groaned, his hands becoming more insistent. They grabbed your hips and the outside of your thighs. He found the hem of your dress and pushed it up, fingertips brushing against the bare skin. One hand tucking around to the back of your leg, lifting your thigh so you could wrap a leg around his waist. You pulled him close with your leg and almost whimpered. You could feel how hard he was in those dress pants, pressed right up against where you needed him most. You could probably just push your underwear to the side and...

"Fuck," you muttered, fire burning in you now.

"Yeah?" He asked, grinding against you just lightly enough to tease. You whimpered, hands tightening on his back. "Oh, what was that, sweetheart?"

"Shut up," you tried to kiss him but he hovered just out of reach. Stupid, cocky smirk on his face. How was he still irritating you?

Fine.

You reached down to where your hips met and grasped his cock over his suit pants. You weren't as gentle as he was, stroking him firmly through the fabric. His eyebrows stitched together, a low groan rumbling from his throat. He looked so fucking pretty like that.

"Oh," you whispered mockingly, "what was that?"

He sighed something that sounded pretty close to bitch and your hips rocked up at the thought. He noticed, something between a moan and a laugh hummed into a kiss.

You wanted him to fuck you. God, you wanted him so fucking badly. But there was a reason you couldn't... What was it again?

Oh, shit. You were huddled in some off-limits hallway at a UN meeting when you were supposed to be protecting the president.

"We can't," you whispered. You pulled back from the kiss, the two of you panting with lust and adrenaline.

"Why not?" He asked, but he stilled his hands on you.

"We're at work!" You reminded him, giggling. His forehead rested against yours and he started to chuckle too. And then it grew to full blown laughter from both of you. Some of the tension defused between you, laughing it away until your cheeks hurt from grinning.

"You're right," he conceded. Then, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "It wouldn't be appropriate."

"It wouldn't..." You cautiously agreed. He was up to something.

"Especially out in this hallway where anyone could catch us."

"Mhm...." The thought of getting caught bloomed warm between your legs, making you realize then how worked up you were. Could be feel how wet you were between the cotton underwear and his suit?

A hand left your body, leaving you cold where it had been, and grasped the doorknob next to you. You watched his arms flex with effort, tendons coiling under the skin. Goddamn, he was strong. There was a loud metallic pop as the doorknob snapped. The door swung open.

"Then we better not get caught," he said.

You were on him in a flash. The show of strength turned you on, urgency building up inside you. You really shouldn't be doing this. That only made it hotter.

He led you into the dark room, closing the door gently shut behind him. There was no lock to keep it closed, but no breeze or uneven ground to swing it open.

He backed you up towards a surface- a desk maybe?- the solid wood biting into your ass as he pinned you against it with his body. Your kisses grew messy, strands of spit connecting your tongues when you parted for air.

You pulled your underwear down, stepping one leg out of them. He followed your lead, pulling his zipper down. You could hardly see him in the dark, but the outline of his cock pulled from his boxer-briefs intimidated you. You watched, transfixed, as he worked his cock. He leaned his face closer towards you. You could still feel his movements, the wet between your legs threatening to start dripping. His breath was hot against your ear when he spoke.

"Getting me jealous like that was a clever little trick," he said.

"It wasn't on purpose," you said, and realized then you were lying to him.

"Bullshit." He pulled one of your legs back up around his waist, hands gripping you harder this time. It hurt a little. He stopped stroking his cock to press his fingers against your slit. He groaned, voice shuddering, "fuck, you're so wet for me."

For me.

"All for you," you told him. Goddamn, that sounded dumb, but you wanted him to say it again. You needed to hear it again. For him. His.

Two fingers dipped into your cunt and you moaned. He hesitated like he was deciding between two options, and then his fingers pushed inside you. You buried your face in his shoulder to muffle another moan.

"So needy for me," he cooed. He curled his fingers inside you, expertly working that sensitive, bundle of nerves. Fuck. Fuck, that felt so good. "I know, baby."

You must have said that out loud. Shame burned your cheeks red but you quickly forgot it. The tension in your center was growing quickly. Dizzyingly quickly.

"Does that feel good?" he asked. All you could do was whimper and nod. "Yeah?"

Your legs were shaking, your breath was coming quicker. He let out the occasional groan along with you. Was he that turned on working you up like this? Fuck, you could feel his cock leaking onto your leg. It was too much.

"Leon, please! Fuck, fuck I'm so close," you tried so hard to keep quiet.

"Yeah? Cum for me, sweetheart. Come on. Cum for me." His begging in your ear pushed you over the edge, cunt spasming around his fingers, whimpering into his shoulder.

He slowed as you came down, letting you catch your breath. You didn't need to see his face to tell there was some proud, smug look on it.

"Fuck you," you muttered, hearing him chuckle in response.

"That's what you get for making me jealous," he told you. He slipped his fingers from your pussy, leaving you feeling empty. You watched him use the wetness on his hands to circle the head of his cock.

Oh my god. Using your own cum to fuck himself. The combination of your wetness made a lewd, squelching sound as he fucked himself.

He rested his forehead against your shoulder and lined his cock up with your warmth. You were breathless with how badly you needed him to push into you.

He let out a shuddering breath and didn't move. You rocked your hips against him, trying to get an angle that you could slide onto him, but failed. You let out a frustrated whimper.

"Please, Leon. Stop teasing me."

"Beg for it."

"What?"

He placed a hand on your cheek and made you look him in the eyes. The hand drifted around to the back of your neck, squeezing lightly. His gaze was heavy. Serious. "Beg for me."

You searched his face, weighing your options. The growing need you felt was almost unbearable but begging for him felt like admitting defeat and you weren't about to grovel.

Then it dawned on you. He was looking for consent. You nodded, desperation driving you mad.

"Fuck me," you begged, "please fuck me."

His cock pushed into you with an obscene noise, gliding into you so, so easily. He filled you almost to the point of hurting you. Then he pulled out again, slowly, almost to the point of leaving you empty.

His hand tightened on the back of your neck, using it as leverage to pull himself into you. His pace got frenzied. Hard. The two of you whimpered, moaned, babbled out nonsense of mostly "fuck," and "please," and "so fucking good."

You were getting close again. Your pussy tightening around him, only making you more sensitive. You didn't realize how loud you were getting when his hand left your thigh and clapped around your mouth. You blinked in surprise, meeting his eyes: heavy lidded and pussy-drunk.

"If you don't shut the fuck up, we're going to get caught," he groaned. The timber of his voice, the roughness of his hands on your face and neck, the relentless pace he set with his hips... All topped off with the threat of being discovered doing something you really shouldn't. You tried to quiet down, but you were so close, and he felt so good. Of course he noticed. He noticed everything.

"Skirt hiked up, fucking me on the job," he grunted out, his voice getting higher pitched near the end. His pace was less steady, more erratic. "Fuck, m'so close."

You moaned your encouragement into his hand, pleading with your eyes. He tightened his jaw, fighting to keep himself quiet. His pitch got higher, faster. The sounds of your pussy soaking his cock heard over your muffled moans. You were close.

Fuck.

Fuck.

His hips snapped into you harder than before, just pushing you over the edge with white-hot ferocity. He pushed into you deeper, gasping and whimpering, cumming with you.

He looked so pretty when he was cumming.

You came down together, breathing hard, gently rolling to a stop. He slowly moved his hands from your face and his grip on the back of your neck eased up.

"I can't believe we just did that," you whispered, laughing in disbelief. He chuckled too, the sound familiar to the laugh on the dance floor, and another soft realization dawned on you.

He slowly pulled away, gently cradling your face, his eyes asking a question you weren't sure you understood.

"I don't regret it," you guessed. He smiled, then shook his head.

"I'm glad, but I didn't hurt you, did I? I was holding your face pretty hard."

You shook your head, gently kissing him.

"It was hot," you reassured him.

You held each other for a few minutes longer and enjoyed the afterglow. You both knew you needed to go, but neither wanted to initiate it. You tried to ease out of the moment.

"We should do that more often," you joked. He laughed softly in surprise.

"Yeah, we should."

He stepped away from you with a final kiss, pulling up his pants and tucking his silk shirt into them. You pulled your underwear up and smoothed down your dress. You helped fix each other's hair, soft, giddy smiles between you.

Then you snuck out of the room, hoping no one noticed you were gone for too long.

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Eighty-Six

Words: 3K

Warning(s): explicit language, violence, drug abuse

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The only sound is the clock ticking on our lawyer's desk, and the soft pattering of rain coming down.

"Just sign and initial and we'll get these back to the judge for approval." Nikki's lawyer tells us and I rub my lips together. 

We both grab the pens he hands over to us, hesitantly, and Nikki clears his throat, his hand hovering over the first page of lines to be signed.

If he signs them, I'll sign them, I say to myself. 

His pen presses to the paper, and it's as if he's trying to force himself to sign them...nothing happens, though. 

The lawyer notices this. 

"They can't be registered for approval if they're not signed." He adds, looking at the both of us. 

Nikki just rolls his eyes and taps his foot, nervously rubbing the back of his neck. 

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I ask him softly, hoping to God he says, "no." 

"Yeah, Vivian. I'm sure." He states, still looking at the papers, pen still…

I get the "V" of my signature written and he looks down and scribbles across his paper, standing up. 

"Fuck this, c'mon." He hisses and I look at him, wide eyed as he grabs my hand and pulls me up. 

"W-What?" I ask. 

"I'm retracting." He tells his lawyer as he walks out, taking me with him. 

"Nikki, what the hell are you doing?" I ask him, confused as we walk down the stairs of the law firm. 

"I've broken every fuckin' vow except 'till death do us part' and I'll be fucked to hell if we stuck it out and stayed with each other after the worst bullshit just to fucking divorce." He tells me. 

One Month Earlier

I went to see him to try to understand where exactly we were in our relationship, if he even really wanted a divorce or if he was just wanted to start over, but, like always…

"I don't understand why you're being so stubborn, Viv--"

"--Because you want me to sign papers you filed less than 24 hours after you freaking died, Nikki!" I whisper yell. 

"I assure you, I'm well aware!" He replies in the same quiet tone. "Sign the fucking papers."

"None of my grandparents ever divorced, my parents aren't divorced, I am not getting divorced. I'm a Christian, we don't do divorce." 

"Well, you're not supposed to do sex before marriage or adultery, either, but that sure as shit didn't keep your panties on." He mumbles. 

"Do you really bring up who did what because I assure you, your list is a hell of a lot longer than mine." I reply. 

"Oh, is it?" 

"Oh, it so is and you know it is." 

He covers his ears and glare at him, flaring my nostrils. 

"Are you serious right now?" 

"I can't hear you." He tells me and I reach across the table and snatch his hands away from his ears, scowling. 

"You are acting like a child right now!" I scold him. 

"Now you know how I feel while trying to get you to just sign the damn papers!" He replies, crossing his arms. "But if you stay like this I might reconsider." He adds, his eyes on my chest where I'm leaning over. 

"You aren't even taking this seriously, Nikki." I shove at his shoulder before sitting back down and he chuckles. 

"I am, too," He argues. "You just look good." 

"You're changing the subject." 

"I can't compliment you?" 

"Not when it's just to change the subject." 

"I'm not changing the subject."

"Just like you to file for a divorce and then not want to discuss it with the woman who's put everything into the marriage you want wiped from existence." 

"Now, you're pissing me off." 

"You pissed me off when I got those damn papers with no warning."

"That's a lie, Vivian, the past year has been a fucking warning--especially with the amount of times you've thrown divorce in my face if I didn't straighten up. Remember that?"

"That's different. It was incentive to get you to act right."

"I didn't have any 'act right' left in me by that point." He states. "Unless it was for you." He smirks and I kick him under the table. 

"Quit being a pervert." 

"That's not perverted."

"This is a serious talk, Nikki, and you're trying to get out of it."

He opens his mouth to talk but I cut him off. 

"And I swear to God if you say, 'I'm trying to get you out of something,' I'm going to come across this table and make you wish you had died." 

"Is that a promise?" He raises a brow.

"I forgot how ridiculously immature sober Nikki is." I hiss. 

"No, no, baby, this isn't even 'sober' Nikki. This is 'I don't have even the slightest sprinkle of anything in me for the first time in ten fucking years and I'm slowly starting to lose my fucking mind just a little bit' Nikki. Now just imagine staying married to this." He explains to me and I cut my eyes. 

"Why the hell are you trying to convince me to want to divorce you?" 

"Because you told me to fucking divorce you, remember?" 

I furrow my brows. 

"The day I got home and we got into that argument and you told me to just divorce you. So I'm trying to." 

"You know that's not what I meant, Nikki." 

"What the fuck did you mean, Vivian, because you fucking said, 'just divorce me then'." 

"I didn't mean the next fucking day." 

"You're crazy." He tells me. 

"I'm crazy? I tried to throw myself off of a balcony when I thought you died and you thought it'd be a good idea to break up with me hours later?! Are you sure I'm the only crazy one?!" 

"You told me you wanted out--multiple times." 

"And you told me you loved me." 

"Oh, oh, oh, woah, woah, wait a damn minute, that was a fucking coke binge mixed with alcohol, talking."

"Wasn't much talking, just a lot of crying and begging." I point out and he shakes his head a little, rolling his jaw. "Just for you to come home and file for divorce." 

"Fuck you, Vivian."

"Fuck you, Nikki." 

We both puff up and pout, arms crossed, glaring at each other with "go to hell" looks. 

"...So?" Doc asks us when he comes back to check in on us. 

"She's still that bratty little spoiled prude that would argue with me for the hell of it that she was when I first fucking met her." He snaps. 

"And he's still Satan's evil Spawn." I bark. 

"I'm about to take you to the bathroom." He threatens me. 

"I'd rather have sex with Bret Michaels." I shoot back. 

"At the rate you're going, I believe it." 

"Do we need to talk about the threesome you had with Tansy and Vanity, now, or…?" 

"Wasn't Tansy." He states. 

"Really? Then who was it with?"

"Let's not do this here." Doc says quietly, apparently we're getting louder than we thought, other visitors and patients glancing at us uncomfortably. 

I wanna see them be married to Nikki Sixx and try to handle their shit quietly. 

"Sign the damn papers, Vivian." Nikki tells me as I stand up, grabbing my purse and scoffing. 

"You and your damn papers can go burn." I mumble to him.

"You know I'm right!" He calls after me, I just flick him off, turning my hand to him as I walk away.

When I get back to the house, I'm faced with the boxes I've got stacked and packed, groaning at the mess I've made trying to get our things sorted out--well, my things. 

"Viv?!" Sharise calls from our guest bedroom. 

"It's me!" I call back, hearing Whisky running from where she is to me. 

"Hey, baby boy." I greet him, patting his head. 

"I didn't know what to do with this," she carries down the big white box with my wedding dress in it. "And Sky's asleep, she's had a big afternoon with woof-woof." She states, using Skylar's nickname for Whisky. 

"Aww," I say and take the box from her and carry it to the dinner table. "I haven't opened this since we got married." 

"I wonder if you could still wear it." She adds and I raise my brows. 

"Hell, if I know." I mumble. "I'm not gonna need it anymore."

"Oh, don't say that." She tells me. 

"He's serious about the divorce, Sharise." I state. 

"He's gone through a lot of stuff, Viv. You both have. He's not thinking clearly." 

"Well, I am, and I don't want a freaking divorce." 

"Yeah, but that's you." She reminds me. "I'm sorry it's something you're having to go through but you don't need to be with someone that wants to leave the marriage." 

"I guess." 

"Or you two will work things out and it'll be fine." She says next, optimistic. 

"Work it out…"

I'm hunched over the toilet a week later at the house, puking my guts up, trying to take deep breaths as I think I finish, only to be met with another wave of vomit, my throat and nose burning as regurgitated stomach acid stings at it.

"Shit." I grumble to myself, taking deep breaths…

I glare at the positive pregnancy tests--the reason for my nausea, mainly. 

"Damnit, Vivian." I say to myself, tiredly, trying not to start crying.

Whisky's standing under me and I just sit on the bathroom floor and cry, hugging the dog when he gets closer to me to run his nose against my hand. 

What the hell am I going to do? What the hell am I going to tell Duff? What am I going to tell Nikki? I want him to stay with me but I'm pregnant with a baby that isn't even his. I know he knows about me and Duff, now, but a baby from it would be a constant reminder that, "hey, remember that time you and your wife fucking hated each other and she fucked Duff McKagan while you were overdosing?" 

I hit myself internally, wiping my eyes. 

I knew this was a risk, so I'm not surprised--just pissed at myself. 

I'm not on birth control, I don't like condoms, I'm lucky I don't have an STD but a fucking baby with Duff? 

What's my dad going to think? 

What's Duff's family going to think, especially if by some miracle Nikki and I do stay together...what will happen with his chance to find someone else. Most women in their 20s in L.A. don't want to play step-mom right now. 

The press will have a field day with this…

My mind shifts to Nikki's granddad.

Damn it. 

I glance at the clock that reads 1:34a.m. and let out a breath, exhausted, before opening the bathroom drawer and putting the pregnancy test in it, sniffling. 

I rummage through our cabinets for something to help me sleep, finding some NyQuil.

I decide to take it since the only reason I had a reaction to it last time was because I mixed it with my antidepressant, and I go lay down, looking at Whisky getting in beside me, laying on Nikki's side of the bed, my mind plucking at a familiar sight not too long ago.

"Where the hell is Nikki at?!" I hear Doc shout over the bustle backstage, and I furrow my brows, stopping my conversation with Tawny Kitaen--who's here with David Coverdale--as Doc looks at me. 

"You know where the fuck Sixx is?" He snaps at me. 

"No, I came with Sharise and Heather." I tell him. 

"Is Nikki even fucking here?!" He shouts next. 

"How the hell am I supposed to know, Doc?!" I yell back, getting pissed. 

"Maybe because you're his wife?" I hear someone cut in, sounding irritated, and I slowly turn around and see Bobby Dall leaned against an amp, his arms crossed. 

"Maybe lick my twat." I snap back, harshly. 

"I'm missing a fucking bassist that's supposed to go on in fifteen fucking minutes!" Doc yells over everybody, making me and Bobby shut up our bickering that's about to inevitably start. "Has anybody seen or heard anything from Nikki Sixx?!" 

We all glance at each other, not saying a word. 

"Fuck!" He outbursts, storming away to call the office back home. 

Bobby huffs out a breath and pushes past me and Tawny, while I just glare daggers into him. 

It was Day on the Green, a big music festival in Oakland, California, and on the second day, Whitesnake, Poison, and Mötley Crüe were set to perform. But once it was Mötley's turn, nobody could find Nikki. I had come with Sharise and Heather. Nikki had attempted to kick smack, again, so we all thought that's what delayed his arrival...come to find out…

"I've been up three fucking days freebasing, Tommy, alright?" He snaps to a pissed off Tommy and Vince after, "You're fucking shooting up again," leaves Tommy's lips. 

The guys are pissed off--the most pissed I've ever seen them at Nikki--and the fans, who've been waiting for nearly an unacceptable amount of time for Mötley Crüe, are bustling with impatience as Nikki steadily drinks from a bottle of Jack to bring himself down some.

He glances at me and snarls. 

"Get her outta here. I can't do shit with her looking at me like I'm dead." He snaps to Fred and I roll my jaw and leave him be.

By the time the show goes on, it's so obvious that Nikki's out of it, his eyes wide and wild, his brain fried…

Once the part of the show happens where Vince brings out bottles of Jack for Nikki and Tommy to chug on stage, I feel my eyes water, seeing Nikki scrambling to get up where he threw himself down the stage, to grab the fifth of Jack from Vince. 

He chugs half, Tommy chugs half, and when Nikki comes to grab some water to try to keep up and finish the show as strong as he can, he takes two big gulps of water and hisses a bit of it back up, coughing and hacking. 

I'm assuming he grabbed Micks straight vodka by accident. 

The show ends soon, and Nikki's slobbering drunk, looking tired and worn down. 

"I'm fuckin' going home." He tells Doc, pushing past him. "Vivian, baby, c'mon." He tells me, surprisingly gentle, slurring and taking heavy breaths. 

I think he's just that damn tired. 

"You don't want to stay and try to sober up some?" I ask him, calmly. 

"No, I just wanna go home." He repeats. 

I tell the girls and boys, 'bye,' right before Doc hammers us with when we need to be at the airport to leave for the next shows on the tour. 

I can see Nikki being bombarded with Doc, bitching him out for being late while simultaneously threatening him if he doesn't get his shit together before they do the next line of shows...his eyes growing more and more distant with each word. 

"You know how many fuckin' people you disappointed tonight, Nikki?" Doc asks him next. 

"Doc, he gets it, alright." I interrupt since Nikki's not saying anything to him. I take Nikki's hand and pull him to the door. 

"He obviously doesn't get it, Vivian." He bites at my heels, following after us. 

"I get it, you're pissed, but can we please do this another time?" I hiss, snapping around to him, glancing around at the different roadies backstage, some of the members of other bands and their girlfriends and wives looking uncomfortable with Nikki getting his metaphorical asshole torn into a million pieces by Doc. 

"You've both been saying that for the past year, Vivian, so no. We can't do this another time." Doc tells me, fed up. 

"Well, me and him are." I argue, turning back around and grabbing Nikki's arm to keep walking.  

Nikki's not even here mentally. It's like he's sedated. 

"Just go ahead and enable him, Vivian." Doc outbursts to me, still behind us with each step, and I turn and throw my fist to his face as hard and fast as I can, hearing a satisfying crack in his cheek. 

Eyes widen around us, Fred is rubbing his face as he steps to us, Tommy, Vince and Mick glaring at me...they can all think Nikki Sixx married a batshit bitch. 

I don't care anymore.

When we get on the plane Nikki flew in on, he sits down and stays quiet as I sit across from him. 

The only thing he tells me the entire hour and a half worth of flight is, "I've fucking done it again," I'm assuming in reference to messing things up. 

He locks himself in the closet when we get home, and I spend the night wide awake, staring at Whisky where he's laying on Nikki's side of the bed.

"You and me again." I say to him, reaching out and rubbing his head as he stretches.

I blink the memory back, still looking at Whisky. 

"You and me again."

[mochiwangj]

Ich verbrenne innerlich

Angst, songfic, goodbyes

«The night was cloudy and starless, and a soft breeze was blowing against Dabi’s skin, making him shiver.

Dabi looked in front of him, with his hands tightened on the rail of the balcony, and the city was bright and alive. He was alone in that old building, but he didn’t need anyone else. Not even his family.

That tumbledown building was kind of his safe place, even though he hadn’t been there in weeks. Since Hawks left, Dabi thought. And he cursed himself under his breath for that, because Hawks didn’t deserve any of his time or concern. Hawks was just a traitor. Dabi leaned forward and closed his eyes, letting the cool air brush against his cheeks and through his hair. He tried to control his rage, because he was there for a reason and he didn’t want to lose any precious time. Dabi hadn’t come into the building to get lost in his memories. He hadn’t come to cry over the past. He had had already done that plenty before he had found his family, the real brothers and sisters who loved him no matter what.

Truth to be told, that spot was something he was missing. Dabi found it casually, he wasn’t looking for something that sad or lonely or abandoned. He was just walking, minding his own business, when he found a broken window and curiosity took over.

Dabi had been in that building every night he felt alone, every night he felt homesick, even though he didn’t know what “home” meant to him anymore. His parents, his siblings… were they family? He didn’t think so, so why did he feel abandoned like that? Like that old, insignificant building. How pathetic was he to feel connected to an empty, decaying object?

Dabi used to go to that same place every night, to look at the city and to smoke a cigarette. He always went there alone, always late at night, trying not to wake up any of his friends, especially since he didn't want company. Sometimes he needed an hour to think, to cry, to compose himself and believe that one day he would make it, that one day he would show everyone what he was made of.

When Hawks had joined them, Dabi had had a hard time trusting him and he’d spent more nights on that balcony than in their hideout. And over time he'd even noticed that Hawks had followed him on a couple of occasions, probably wondering where he was hiding each time. Although, Dabi had to admit to himself that Hawks had never told anyone about that old building.

The first time Dabi had noticed his presence, he didn’t do anything to acknowledge to Hawks that he knew he was there. Truth be told, he was already expecting Hawks to ask Shigaraki about that god forsaken place right the next day. But to his surprise, Hawks never did that. So, by the third time, Dabi had simply told him that hiding was useless and he might as well come into the light.

So, Hawks and him started going there together, but Dabi didn't know how it happened. They had never planned it, Dabi had never explicitly asked Hawks to keep him company, it just... happened. One night Dabi had gone out and Hawks had appeared right behind him, fluttering without saying a word. And so it had been for most of their time in that place: Dabi sitting outside on the ground, staring down at the city with a cigarette between his lips, but he was no longer alone because Hawks was next to him.

And it was true that Dabi didn’t trust him, but only at first. When Twice had asked him what changed his mind, Dabi answered with a shrug, but the truth was different: he had learned to trust him during those lonely and empty nights that didn’t feel as dark with the bird by his side.

They’d always stayed silent the first couple of nights, each one minding his own business, but then, one day, Hawks told him a detail from his past and Dabi listened in silence. He didn’t say anything, nor did he offer his point of view on anything, he just listened. And Hawks had kept talking like that for all the nights that followed, but Dabi had never answered him. Until one day, after Hawks had told him about an event from his past, Dabi had thought about a funny story from his childhood – a single, childish and good thing, that he couldn’t understand why it was stuck in his mind like that – and had told Hawks about it. For the first time in years, a genuine and true smile had risen on Dabi’s lips, and that had scared him.

The nights had passed quietly, and they had talked, smoked, and got to know each other more and more. Dabi started to feel something and Hawks had confirmed that he felt the same when, after another of their confessions, the bird kissed him. And Dabi did not pull back. On the contrary, he grabbed him by that stupid jacket of his and had returned that kiss, deepening it, biting Hawks' lips, demanding for more.

He didn’t know what type of relationship he and Hawks established that night, but something had definitively changed. When they were with the others, they always behaved in the same way, no one had noticed anything - or so it seemed to Dabi - and the group overall never asked any questions. But when Dabi got out of his bed in the middle of the night to go back to that building, Hawks always followed him. And kisses were added to the chatter and cigarettes.

And in the blink of an eye, that place had become their place. One night, Hawks brought along a marker and wrote their names on the wall where they used to lean. “It’s to remind us that here we can always leave everything out and just be ourselves,” he said. “Stupid bird,” Dabi murmured.

Dabi moved away from the rail and turned towards those permanent marks, looking at them like he could set them on fire. Dabi took a hand away from his jeans’ pocket and pointed it towards those letters, causing blue flames to gush from his palm, covering Hawks’ name, and he watched the fire dance until it wore out.

After Hawks had revealed himself as a traitor, Dabi had stopped going to that building. He had only come back that night because he wanted to take it back. He wanted to take his life back, his spaces, the person he was before Hawks. Because truth to be told, he had to admit it to himself: there was a Dabi before and a Dabi after, and he hated the “after” to death.

Dabi could feel his flames bursting inside him. His rage and anger and frustration, his hope and his dreams and his ambition. For long he had felt them, all of them. But now all he was feeling was something that was eating him alive.

He had found a family, but something was still missing. Then Hawks came and suddenly that void seemed to be filled. But Hawks was a fake. Even Hawks' feelings for him were all made up. Hawks was a lie, and Dabi had been naive enough to fall for it.

Hawks had come to them claiming he was on their side. And Dabi should've listened to his gut: do not trust the bird. But he their life like a thunderstorm. First you see a blue light crossing the dark sky and you don't know the damage it'll do. You hope it’s not huge, you hope you’ll get through it. But then the noise that follows rushes through everything, leaving you breathless and defenseless.

"Dabi," a voice came behind him and Dabi knew exactly who that was. Dabi already knew Hawks was there, because, like in the good old days, he always knew when Hawks was following him.

"Don't you even dare," Dabi said, without moving, without turning his face. "Stay the hell away from me, Hawks."

“You know I can’t do it,” Hawks said, and took a few steps towards him. He stopped at arm’s length, with his hands buried in his jacket’s pockets. “I miss you.”

“Bullshit,” Dabi replied, lifting his chin up. He pointed his eyes into Hawks’, the flames

that were bursting in front of him reflecting in them. “You lost that privilege. You lost the privilege to talk to me or even think about me.”

Hawks didn’t say anything, he just stared at him. And Dabi hated him, with all his gut and, unfortunately, his heart.

They stayed silent for a long time before Dabi moved and stepped away from him, but Hawks followed him, stubborn.

“I just want to talk,” Hawks said, not risking touching him though. Dabi knew that if things hadn’t changed, Hawks would’ve done it. He knew Hawks pretty damn well and he regretted it.

“About what?” Dabi asked, and finally he stopped in the middle of the room, the empty space was surrounding him, devouring him. “About how everything you said was a load of bullshit?”

Dabi laughed and it was mirthless and hysterical. That laugh echoed through that desolate space and Dabi was pleased when he saw Hawks’ having chills.

“I never told you any bullshit, and you know that,” Hawks answered, then he stepped closer to Dabi.

Dabi stayed still and watched him, with an eyebrow arched. “And you think I’ll believe you? After what you’ve done? You betrayed us,” Dabi shot, his anger released. “You betrayed me!”

“I’m just doing what I believe is the right thing to do,” Hawks started and Dabi wanted to stop him, but Hawks insisted and kept talking. “But that doesn’t mean that everything I said to you here, right here in our spot, was also a lie. This,” Hawks said, gesturing between them, “was never a lie to me.”

Dabi clenched his hand into fists, and he could feel his nails digging into his skin. Pain was never a problem for him. On the contrary, pain was the only solution.

“We were never a this,” Dabi replied, giggling. “Get your head out of your ass before it’s too late. We had fun, sure, but that’s it. Nothing more! Now, if you’ll excuse me,” Dabi bowed, laughing teasingly, and then turned his back on him. He was leaving, he was done with all that shit and with all of Hawks’ lies. He couldn’t take them anymore.

But while he was walking away from him, Dabi felt one of Hawks’ feathers fly rapidly near his ear. Dabi stopped abruptly because he had felt something wet and warm running along his ear. Hawks had hurt him. A small, harmless cut, but it had done its job. Dabi whirled around and spread his arms, starting to unleash his blue flames from the palms of his hands. Ahead of him he saw a series of Hawks’ winged feathers pointing at him and noticed an amused, stinging smile on Hawks' face.

“You don’t want to listen to me?” Hawks asked, with a hint of irony in his voice. “Well, it means I’ll force you.”

Dabi smirked and slightly lowered his head. He tensed his legs’ muscles and relaxed his shoulders, ready to fight. “Oh, I can’t wait.”

For a few seconds nothing happened, the tension lingered freely between them beating time slowly, as if everything had stopped, as if they were in another dimension where no one else existed. Then Hawks threw his feathers at Dabi, but Dabi was quick and burned them with one movement of his hands. The feathers had come so close to him that Dabi smelled their unmistakable smell, making him feel nauseated.

“Is this the best you can do, Keigo?” Dabi mocked him. He used Hawks’ real name and he knew that would piss him off, but Dabi did that on purpose. He wanted Hawks to be mad at him, he wanted Hawks’ to hit him and hurt him and make him bleed again.

Within a few moments, the two of them had gone into combat mode, hurting each other and themselves. The only noises in that room were their increasingly labored breathings, the sound of flames and wings, the smell of fire that was eating everything it touched, their sweaty bodies meeting and clashing repeatedly. But the fight ended like it started: suddenly, and those two looked into each other’s eyes.

Dabi wiped off the sweat from his forehead with his forearm, not looking away, but keeping his eyes focused on Hawks’ movements.

“I told you, remember?” Hawks said suddenly, his chest rose and fell because of the effort of that rapid fight. “I l-“

“Don’t you dare,” Dabi hissed, moving his arm in a clear gesture to shush him. “Don’t say those words, they mean nothing to me.”

Haws laughed, genuine. “You never told me, but we both know how you feel about me.”

“You know nothing about me!” Dabi shouted and strode towards the hero in front of him. He grabbed Hawks by the collar of his shirt and pulled his face closer, only a few inches away from his own. It was hard to look into those golden eyes without feeling anything but fear and anger.

“I know a lot about you,” Hawks replied, then he grabbed Dabi’s wrist with his hand and tightened his hold, not moving. “I know you and, despite everything, here I am again.”

“You know what pisses me off?” Dabi asked, but he didn’t wait for Hawks to answer. “That you knew. You knew that was your last night. You knew that was our last kiss. And you still left, without turning back.”

Hawks swallowed and freed his grip on Dabi’s wrist, defeated, but didn’t look away from Dabi’s dark eyes. “Kiss me,” Hawks whispered.»

You can find the end on ao3:

[literary-spirit]

Chapter 5

The next day after first meal Bjorn, Torvi, and Bonnie cleaned out Rollo's old keep. The place was filthy. Rats the size of small puppies had made the place home and she wasn't entirely sure they weren't leaving without a knock down drag out. Aside from the rats, cobwebs and huge furry spiders dominated every crack and crevice in the structure. The situation was so dismal, she'd begun to have second thoughts. By the smug expression on Bjorn's face, she could tell he already knew she was about two seconds away from begging him to stay. Yet, she wouldn't give him the satisfaction. Not even if she had to accept canine inspired rodents

and tarantula like spiders as her new housemates.

Once they removed most of the dry rotted furniture and she'd thoroughly scrubbed the wooden plank floors with the same lard soap they actually used to bathe with, Bjorn said they were done for the time being. Since several hours of sunlight still remained in the day, Bjorn opted to go fishing at the harbor, while Torvi went off to train with the keep's other shield maidens. Bonnie decided to remain behind to work on a spell that would transform the ingredients she gathered the day before into things needed for her hygienic care.

From the first incantation, she could tell something was off. To say something was different with her magic would've been an understatement. Kind of like calling the sun sort of hot. Yeah, she'd always been powerful, thanks to her lineage, but there was altogether a new level of potency to her sorcery. Even the aftereffect of her spell presented in a way it had never done before. This new development caused simple enchantments that had become second nature to her, to get all twisted. And after about an hour of dealing with the same results over and over again, the frustration was fucking real! She slapped some of the ingredients off the stone table.

Damn it! She hadn't had a bath in almost four days. Pretty soon, she would be looking and smelling like who did it and why the hell you let it happen. "Shit, I wish I had my L'Occitane Almond Shower Scrub Duo from home in my hands right now!"

A tingling sizzle tickled the palms before the body scrub duo materialized in her hands. Shock nearly drove her to drop the containers, but she recovered in time and placed them on the table. Holy hell? What is happening? She stared at the half-used bottles from her and Niklaus' master bathroom. How the hell did she conjure these? She wasn't a conjurer. But then again, did she really conjure them or wish for them? Wait! Then did that mean she'd somehow fucked over the immortal witch spell and now she was a got damn Jinn?! She didn't wanna be a Jinn!

Shit! Stay calm. She shouldn't panic and since Jinns couldn't make wishes themselves there's no way she could be one. Hell, she could prove she wasn't a Jinn and correct one of their latest fuck ups in the process.

She closed her eyes and whispered, "I wish I was home." Slowly, her lids lifted to reveal the same hovel she stood in before she closed her eyes. An ache cracked her chest wide, "I don't understand. Why am I here?"

"To save my sons," an imperious, but deferential voice said from behind her.

She spun around to find the Queen of Kattegat, standing in her little hole in the wall. "Queen Aslaug." Her head dipped in a bow.

"Please, do not bow to me. It is I who should bow to you," she swept down in a graceful bow. "The sorcery within demands that I must. The mystical energy that surrounds you overwhelms and amazes."

Not knowing what the hell else to say, Bonnie focused on the Queen's prior admission. "Why'd you say I'm here to save your sons?"

"Because it is the truth. I dreamt of you, before you arrived," Queen Aslaug moved around the stone table, eyeing the shower scrub duo as she went. Once in front of her she stopped and clasped hands with her. "Your presence balances the scales against the many calamities waiting to wreak havoc on us all. I've foreseen it."

"Queen Aslaug-," she began.

"Let us not provoke the gods by further talks of this nature," she squeezed Bonnie's hands before releasing them. "You should go sit by the water in the cove before second meal."

Bonnie grabbed her shower duo from the stone table and placed them in the now empty basket. "Well, I did wanna wash." She gathered her last day dress, which was stiff, rough, brown, and barely grazed her ankles. It, however, was clean.

"Then wash you must," Queen Aslaug cosigned. Her gaze darted around the keep, "Bjorn, informed me you'll be residing here." She turned back to face Bonnie. "I'd offer for you a bench in the great hall, but I believe you to prefer privacy over comfort."

Bonnie gripped the handle of the basket with both hands. "That's true."

Queen Aslaug nodded. "While you're gone, I'll have thralls come finish putting your keep to rights."

"Thank you," Bonnie said.

"It is the very least I can do," Queen Aslaug said before turning to leave.

****

After her shower under the waterfall Bonnie felt more like herself. Though she was still confused by all that had transpired since she fell backwards in time at least she'd gained some stability. Now she'd be able to start gathering the pieces and putting things together. Once she finished oiling her body she redressed and headed back into the woods. Not long into her trek she realized she was being stalked. The sun had begun to make its descent. She didn't have long before darkness fell and whatever stalked her attempted to turn her cakes into a meal.

She thought about making a run for it but every show she'd ever seen on animal planet cautioned to never willingly offer chase to a predator. Yet, she was a melanin gifted woman in a melanin challenged land, slasher flick rule numero uno demanded that she haul ass. Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.

Bonnie released a harassed sigh. She neither wanted to get sweaty or bloody, "Look, you and I both know you're there so come on out. If you're gonna try and kill me you can at least face me before you carry out the deed."

A collection of seconds turned into a minute before she finally saw movement in the multiplying shadows. Moments later a shit ton of wolves varying in sizes and color inched forth on their bellies into the fading light of day.

 Each kept their heads resting on their front paws and their eyes downcast. A wolf the size of a small pony covered in golden white fur with a pair of crystal blue eyes 

continued to creep forward until his snout practically touched the toe of her shoe. Werewolves? In the Viking era? Of course, there are because no matter what the weird and freaky better known as the supernatural always seemed to know exactly where to find her! She was a fucking beacon for the strange and unexplained.

Bonnie squatted to trail her finger through the tufts of fur between his ears. "How are you all in your wolf forms when there hasn't been a full moon since I arrived. Either you're hybrid or cursed and since it'll be over another hundred years before the first hybrid is made, then you must be cursed." She trailed her hands over the length of the wolf's body. Though she sensed wild but potent magic, she didn't sense any dark energy it would take to invoke a curse. "Yet, I don't sense any dark magic." She stared into the wolf's eyes, "You fur babies must be something else altogether."

The wolf shimmered from canine to man, and then stood. One minute a gorgeous animal sat facing Bonnie, and the next all she saw was a slab of meat wearing a turtleneck of golden hair. She glanced up into a face that was cloaked in shadows by the light of the sun. For a moment, her next heartbeat refused to pound.

"Klaus?" She whispered.

A hand reached down to help her up. "I'm known as Ansel, Goddess."

"Ansel..." Wait, could he be..., "Why did you call me goddess?"

He laughed and the corners of his eyes crinkled the way Klaus' did when something genuinely amused him. "Because that is what you are, the Goddess of Twilight."

Her eyes popped. What in the Stephanie Meyer madness was he talking about? "E-excuse me who?"

"The prophecy foretold your arrival," Ansel said, still clasping her hand in his. "It was divined, your appearance would relink the descendants of Fenrir with their witchery lineage thereby affording us control over our shift."

This sounded like some sun and moon curse mumbo jumbo. Disregarding his nudity, she stepped closer. "Who spoke of this prophecy to you?" Maybe this person was a millennial throwback as well.

"We've always known of this foretelling," Ansel said, punching holes through the hope she'd managed to gather, "but the one who came before you did confirm the prophecy would come to past."

"The one who came before me?" She questioned, practically dripping desperation.

"Yes, the dark woman," Ansel answered, his eyes searching hers. "She lives deeper in the forest. Not many non-shifters venture that far into the woods. For those who have a mind to try, there are spells and curses in place to ensure no one unwanted reaches her."

"Ansel, I have to speak with her," she dropped her basket and covered both of their hands with her other, "Can you take me to her?"

His head bobbed. "Come," he knelt and picked up her basket, "it'll be quicker if you hoist yourself on my back."

****

By the time they made it to the tiny shack deep in the forest, night had fallen. Yet, the zillion twinkling stars in the black velvet sky were able to pierce the canopy of leaves and provide an adequate amount of light for Bonnie to see. Ansel placed her on the ground a foot or so away from the door of the shack. The familiar energy wafting from the keep embraced her. She knew this magic. This was the magic of her ancestors. It was Bennett magic. Her magic.

The cloth barrier to the dwelling shifted and out stepped Ayanna Bennett. 

She appeared to be in her mid-twenties, but she could've been older. Bonnie had come to know her well during her brief afterlife on the other side. "You have the look of my mother. I don't even have to sense it to know you're my own."

For the first time since she'd been dropped in the middle of time Bonnie broke. She tumbled into Ayanna's arms and fell to pieces.

"Help me," she whispered.

"You're the answer to all of our cries," Ayanna whispered next to her ear. "The Goddess of All would not have sent you to us lacking. Whatever is needed you already carry with you. Come, we have much to discuss."

Once inside, Bonnie sat on a wooden bench next to a stone alter.

Ayanna handed her a smoldering cup of tan liquid. "Drink, it's an herbal concoction meant to ease fits. It also aids in uncluttering your third sight." Without further urging, she sipped the tea. "Now, tell me all."

"It all started with this ancient evil and an immortal man willing to sacrifice his eternity to save his child," she began, "and the sacrifice his lover made so he wouldn't have to." For the next several hours Bonnie recounted the entire twisted tale of her and Klaus. By the time she was finished, she could barely keep her eyes open.

"So, why do you believe this Niklaus is the Viking to which the prophecy refers?" Ayanna questioned.

Bonnie laughed like Ayanna had out joked Kevin Hart. "Who else is of Viking descent and stronger than Klaus?"

"Who else indeed! Seems to me, all you have to do is march back to Kattegat and tap one of the many Vikings there on the shoulder. I wager any number of them is stronger than this Niklaus," she said, waving a hand as if she was waving off the very thought of Klaus. "And why would you want to form a mate bond with him? The same disrespectful dolt who places other witches over you in his regard. As if anyone other than a witch of our familial line could shoulder the burden of being the eternal witch."

Bonnie's eyes closed and remained so. "Did I mention Ansel's his father?"

"Ansel?"

Klaus' fathers name is the last thing Bonnie heard Ayanna speak before sleep claimed her.

****

"We have to get her back. The sons of Ragnar Lothbrok is ripping away the forest looking for her," Ansel's voice penetrated the thick fog of sleep that held her captive.

She heard a clucking sound, then Ayanna. "Calm yourself. They'll never make it past the first line of magic."

"That is what I'm trying to tell you, woman," Ansel bellowed. Frustration clear and plain in his tone, "they already have."

"What? How is that..." Ayanna's voice trailed off. "It's her. Her magic shields them. Why is this so?" A moment past, and then she felt Ayanna's lips at her ear. "You've learned many things on your spiritual voyage last eve. Things which must be considered. You have to return, Bonnie. For not only have you and your wolf achieved the goal you sought, but you've also attained so much more."

When next she opened her eyes, she was laying on a pile of fallen leaves and wildflowers. Her basket sat next to her head, while every last son of Ragnar stood staring down at her with varying expressions. Actually, everyone except Ivar who more or less leaned over her shooting her a unit inspired with nothing but ill intent.

"Um, good morning," she said, lacking anything of note to say.

****

"I thought you'd been raped and killed by Skogarmaors!" Bjorn yelled in her face as she drooped on a bench in the great hall.

Queen Aslaug's eyes rolled at Bjorn's antics,

 while his brothers peered on in silence. Their faces giving nothing away.

She had a banging headache and Bjorn was nowhere close to easing her pain. "I'm sorry, Bjorn. It wasn't my intention to worry you are your family."

"Ack! Loki take your intentions," He threw up his hands and turned away from her, "I have no worries for your intentions. For all I know they're harried paving a path to Helheim."

"Where were you, hmm?" Ivar questioned. His stare unwavering as always. "Your appearance speaks of you being sheltered from the elements. So, who sheltered you?"

"On my way back from the Cove I met someone in the woods. He told me some things that lead me to believe he knew someone who could understand the reason I've come to be here," she said, attempting to be as honest as she could without placing Ansel or Ayanna in danger.

"You said, he told you," Bjorn turned around to face her.

She gave him a slow nod, "yes."

"Name this man," Bjorn demanded.

Reluctantly, she shook her head. "I'd rather not."

"I've heard sagas of a dark woman dwelling in the deep of the forest," Ivar said, while his steady gaze tracked each expression that crossed her face. "Many have spoken tales of her being a witch."

Queen Aslaug laughed. "Ivar, halt with your tales of spirits and witches. You're being distressing."

"Did you allow yourself to be plowed by this man?" Sigurd asked, straight facing the hell out of her.

"Sigurd!" Queen Aslaug released a heavy sigh before taking a sip from her cup.

"What? I'm sure that was Bjorn's next line of questioning," he defended.

"No," Bonnie snapped, chopping Sigurd up with a unit meant to leave him DOA, "There was absolutely no plowing going on between me and this man." To her surprise, Bjorn exhaled a sigh that appeared to be motivated by relief. She stood and walked over to Bjorn. Placing a hand on his arm, she gazed up at him, "the only reason I followed him is for answers. That's all, Bjorn. I swear it upon our oath."

She watched the anger and tension drain from his face as he reached up to cup her cheek. "Did you learn anything?"

"No," she emphasized with a sad dejected shake of the head, "I was given some kind of herbal concoction while there and I fell asleep before finding out anything. When I awakened, you guys were standing over me."

"I'm sure in time you'll have your answers," he allowed his thumb to trace the path of her cheek before returning his hand to his side.

She gazed out the great hall door toward the forest and prayed to the mother of all he was right.

[punkscowardschampions]

Venus & Leilani

Venus: Hey girl! 😘😘👋 Leilani: hiya Venus: Awh 🥺😔 how you holding up? Leilani: as expected maybe Leilani: thanks Venus: Of course, so sad! 😥😥😥 Venus: I'm totally here for you, btw Leilani: that's really nice of you Venus: Gurl, of course Venus: I'm a pretty nice person Venus: only to people who deserve it, obviously 💁 Leilani: I'm honoured 😅 Venus: You totally are 🤭 Leilani: 1st exclusive club I've been a part of, for sure Venus: That's honestly even more tragic Venus: oops 🙊 you know what I mean Leilani: 😅 Leilani: yikes Leilani: the tragedies are piling up Venus: What school did you go to before? Leilani: [the name of a school, obvs not a catholic one just standard, are we saying the ruster kids go to a fancy one cos rich and now so does she or are we keeping them #humble?] Venus: [I think you in particular need to go to a standard one to humble yourself, also you aren't smart enough to get in on your own merit so] Venus: I dated a guy who went there Leilani: oh maybe I know him Venus: He was super hot but like, so uncultured Venus: he'd never left Ireland like 🥱🥱 Leilani: I wonder if it's a coincidence that all the uncultured kids go there becos me either yet Venus: WHAT 😱😱😱 Venus: aren't you like, properly African Leilani: I've never been, I was born here Venus: oh my God that's WILD Venus: bless you Leilani: bless my parents for wanting me to have a different life, I suppose Venus: I'm in Paris as often as I can because of my daddy but we go somewhere sunny practically monthly, when the school isn't being extra 🙄 Venus: it's the only reason I stick around, honestly 😂 Leilani: he's french or he just lives there? Venus: He's American, he teaches at this AMAZING college there Venus: he's lived loads of UHMAZING places but Paris is his base now and definitely the best Leilani: what kind of accent does he have? Venus: he was from some middle of nowhere town like this, but in the US Venus: so he had to get out to live his best life Leilani: sounds like he is Venus: Totally 😘😘 Venus: he's the smartest person in his field, like EVERYONE has to go to him to know what to do Venus: hence I can't live with him because he's ALWAYS working 😩 Venus: I told him I was cool with it but he's SUPER protective of me so I have to stay here 🤷 Leilani: I know what that's like, my mum was the same Leilani: protective workaholic Venus: Poor you getting thrown into this mess Venus: ugh Leilani: Grace isn't that bad 😅 Leilani: more of a workaholic maybe but less OTT protective Venus: I guess not Venus: did you know she got stood up at the altar though Venus: would you not just lay down and DIE Leilani: me & my mum were there Leilani: so yeah Venus: 🙈 cringe Venus: we were all there honey, I can't Leilani: your bridesmaids dress was gorgeous though Venus: she can enjoy those photos 💁 Leilani: I think it'll be a long time before she's looking back at the album Leilani: longer than it's been atm Venus: DUH 😂 Venus: they'll be in the 🔥 if she's got any sense Leilani: she did re-sell her dress so maybe Venus: LOL I hope she advertised it as cursed or that woman gonna be 😤 Leilani: I'm sure she worked out why it was listed once she picked it up & saw that Grace's weight hadn't dramatically gone up or down Venus: getting dumped at the altar is next-level bad juju though it's not like she just got too excited Venus: I'd be so pissed Venus: have to sage that SO HARD Leilani: I'd be happy I got a bargain Venus: yeah, nothing says happiest day of your life like that Leilani: getting into debt for it would personally ruin the mood but you know Venus: Don't have a wedding you can't afford, obvs Leilani: yeah ideally Venus: like you can't live above your station that's just basic rules of life Venus: in all areas, tbh, not just funds Venus: like look what happened Leilani: you think he was out of her league? Venus: I can't even remember what he looked like tbh Venus: but clearly the baggage was too much regardless of how fine or not fine he was Leilani: clearly he has his own issues to do something like that Venus: Doubt it Venus: he could've bounced sooner but he still did the right thing 😂 Leilani: he should've said or done what he needed to do before it got to the altar Leilani: he had time, she was planning the wedding for like a year Leilani: maybe longer Venus: whatever, he clearly felt SO trapped by the psychoness Venus: we all know what was up Leilani: what was up was that he didn't have enough balls for the convo Venus: the defence squad is so real, chill out babes Venus: it happened, she took that L, end of story Leilani: It's unfair to blame her for him wanting out & doing it in the most cowardly way is all Leilani: she didn't deserve to be treated like that Venus: that's life, babe Venus: it's not fair Venus: if she couldn't see that coming that's on her Venus: what kind of unobservant head ass person you gotta be Venus: like I'd KNOW if my man was not feeling me 🥴🥴 Leilani: I didn't know him, I can't judge it Leilani: but I didn't foresee my dad walking out & neither did my mum Venus: big YIKES 😬 Leilani: & your dad didn't think your mum would end up keeping you Leilani: some things you can't see coming or don't want to Venus: You mean her breaking a contract? Venus: yeah, it should be illegal Venus: and you don't know what my dad knew or didn't know actually Venus: she literally took advantage of the fact he wasn't legally protected and desperately wanted me Venus: like, your point? 🤷 Leilani: my point is, dragging Grace is pretty rude Venus: She's had worse happen, as you've mentioned 🥺💔 Venus: I think she'll get over it Venus: that's if you even bothered to tell her which would be so petty, honestly Leilani: you don't know what he told her or didn't or how it affected her Leilani: maybe she won't get over it Venus: 🥱 Venus: your mom literally just died, like Venus: people have real problems, you should be the one preaching that Leilani: thanks for bringing it back up, it had slipped my mind Venus: do you like, not want to talk about her ??? Leilani: atm I don't want you to talk about Grace how you are Leilani: she's the person who's in my corner, looking after me Leilani: so yeah, I've got her back & I don't care if you think it's extra Venus: I'll talk about her however I want Venus: you're grieving and I'm trying to be nice and let you talk about it, but like, catch me letting you police me and my opinion Venus: not today, not ever, honey Leilani: say whatever you like once you've gotten away from me Leilani: I'm not trying to hear it & if I do I'm not letting it pass through unchecked Venus: As if I want to be having this conversation with you right now Venus: 😬 bigger yikes Venus: catch me trying to make you welcome at school, seriously Leilani: I can settle myself in without your help Venus: yeah, your personality is like, A++ Venus: 👏 good luck with the amount of invites you'll HAVE to turn down, damn, sis Leilani: maybe it's the grief, maybe I just don't like your personality Leilani: make up your own mind Venus: I truly do not have the time to worry about you or what you're doing Venus: you continue to think up all those what-ifs though, that's cool Venus: can be your thing Leilani: next time that it slips my mind that my mother is dead, I'm sure your opinion of me will be right there at the front Venus: okay, word of advice, milking the whole sympathy thing is not going to get you far in the long run Venus: it'll get old faster than he was running the opposite way down that altar Leilani: I don't need advice from someone who's never been here Venus: 🙄 sure babes Venus: that's some USP Leilani: it's really not Leilani: there's a really big group of us Venus: So like, get over it Venus: the levels you can't get away with being a rude ass hoe just because something bad happened to you Venus: toxicity off the charts Leilani: when I do it won't be to make you feel more comfortable Leilani: the levels it's not your place to tell me how to be when we've just met Venus: I'm not the one telling you what to say though, sis, soooooo 💁 Venus: clearly not the one who's uncomfortable am I Leilani: I said I'm not going to listen to you badmouth Grace, you can take it anywhere else & I can't stop you Venus: why are you so pressed 😂 Venus: is she checking your messages to make sure you're #grateful enough Venus: damn, ok, Angelina Jolie Leilani: I like her Leilani: that's enough reason to not want to hear it Venus: Awh Venus: big love Leilani: sure thing Leilani: I'm a big joke to you, okay then Venus: if you feel you've acted a fool, that's on you Venus: I'm unphased by this mess Leilani: no, you're trying to treat me like one, it's a very different thing Leilani: I'm not entertained or entertaining it Venus: Hoe, where??? Venus: Honestly, I'm SO curious 🤔 Venus: I offered you support and a space to talk about your mom and you've just been nothing but combative, honestly Leilani: telling me to get over it isn't supportive Venus: I'm not gonna not keep it 💯 Venus: and don't twist my words or the situation Venus: I said that was how other people would feel if you came at it all with this attitude Leilani: you have no idea where my attitude is coming from becos we don't know each other like that Venus: Why would I put my time and energy on you when you treat me like that? Venus: using your past as an excuse for bad behaviours now, no ma'am Venus: not in this house Leilani: you said I'm milking the sympathy thing when you're the one assuming everything I said here is a grief reaction Leilani: maybe I'm serving you attitude becos it's deserved Venus: so you're just like this Venus: weird flex then, babe 🤷 Venus: the luck I put out there is even more warranted Venus: cuss me out for giving you the benefit of the doubt about your foolishness, chile... Leilani: the disrespect towards your own family & entitlement you have towards being that way is what's getting you cussed out Venus: and I'm the one making assumptions Venus: 😂 Venus: Grace told you some tea and you think you're in the know now Venus: 👌👌👌 keep on that hype, waste your energy Leilani: it's all been expressed in your own words, barely sentences into this convo Leilani: your assumption was that I'd be eager to join in Venus: No, honey Venus: your assumption is that I consider them to be my family Venus: and your tone policing is literally not welcome anywhere near me Leilani: they consider you to be theirs, it should be enough of a reason not to treat them how you are Leilani: hell, human decency is that Venus: Like I said, hilarious you think you are educated on it Venus: let alone enough to lecture ME Venus: I literally got kidnapped by my father's surrogate and his partner, her brother was too cowardly to do anything about it? Venus: miss me with this nonsense, you're the one stressing on this family Venus: they love a stray, they'll accept you sis, it's all blessed Leilani: I know Grace loves you & she would never use any of your misfortunes as a way to amuse herself or anyone else, so that's what I'm speaking on Leilani: the rest is your business Venus: that's her choice? Venus: the levels I don't concern myself with what people say on me Venus: you sound mad paranoid, that's no way to live, girl Leilani: again, your advice on how I should live is unwelcome Venus: THE HYPOCRISY Venus: are you being satirical now, oh my GOD Venus: I am creased 😷😷😷😷💀 Venus: I will say whatever I want about any sad case in that family, and I can laugh at their tragic life choices, and there's 0 to be said or done about it by anyone, least of all you Venus: if they were living better lives, they'd be unphased, if they ain't, who's fault is that really, look inside not @ me Leilani: don't bring it to my door & think it won't get closed in your face, that's what has been said already Venus: 💔💔 dying to be BFFs, obviously Venus: as has been said, my kindness has been thrown in my face, that's your karma Venus: I'm good Leilani: if you think that's kindness you have your own coming Venus: SIS, focus 👏 on 👏 your 👏 own Venus: your life is super sad Venus: it won't get any better wishing ill on me Venus: 🙏 on your own karma and demons, I don't have everything but I am GRATEFUL for what I do have Venus: I'm still out here trying to help you, even though you've literally cussed me out and put lies on my name ??? Venus: point fingers at your own evils Leilani: thanks for pointing out all the necessary work I need to do Leilani: but you have your own Venus: 😂😂😂 and you get to tell me because? Venus: I've evidenced all the work I DO do Venus: you're still sat here being petty Venus: couldn't be me, God bless though Leilani: I'm grateful for what I have too & part of that is gratitude I'm not you or needing to be around you if this is how it is Venus: 😬 that's so dark-sided I feel really terrible for you Venus: you can be grateful for your good without pointing out other people's bad Venus: lowkey that's kinda the point Venus: go do some charity work ASAP, work out those thoughts and all the negative they attract in your life Leilani: I'm already the charity case as you see it but okay Venus: oof Venus: the self-pity Venus: you really think you're so, so down-trodden you can't do ANYTHING to help your fellow man? Leilani: you think I am, I can't voice what I think unless I speak directly over you atm Venus: I don't allow words to be put into my mouth Venus: not by you, not by the devil Venus: offering friendship does not imply anything about you, but a lot about my character Venus: it's actually very sad you can't see that and have to take it so negatively Venus: no wonder your life is where it is Leilani: the only thing I took negatively is what you said about Grace, how quickly you withdrew your offer of friendship becos I disagreed with you about her is what says things about you Venus: Okay, so my offer is withdrawn because SEVERAL times in this short conversation, you've attempted to tell me what I THINK, what I SAY and what I DO Venus: and no, I can't have that kind of negativity around me, my protection of myself is more important than making myself a conduit for whatever ill you're trying to spread by tone policing so violently Venus: charity has to have limits or it can get twisted by people who seek to abuse it Venus: I have to go on my instincts with this one, I am not one to ignore red flags Leilani: I'm not a charity case & you're not better than me, there's my limit Leilani: I don't want your pity dressed up as friendship & I definitely don't have room for your smugness & condescension Venus: You have to ask yourself, where this inferiority complex really comes from Venus: I've not said or implied I'm better than you, so why do you feel that so strongly you have to attack my personality to convince yourself of the fact I'm actually, much, much worse than you Venus: I'm really sad for you 😥 I wish there was something I could do but that's inner work 🙏 Leilani: you literally called me a stray, so maybe that's where I got it Leilani: not to mention how ready you are to bring up every perceived flaw in my character but also call them evils as if that's a word to be casually thrown around Venus: It's truly not about you Venus: self-obsession is a sign that you're not putting in the work Venus: a happy person does not think about themselves constantly, or think EVERYONE else is too 🙄 Venus: your behaviour towards me has been flawed and it DOES signal troubling thought patterns Venus: I'm well within my right to comment on them Venus: if you think I'm wrong, you'll have no issue continuing as you are Leilani: I'm not a happy person & I am having troubling thought patterns but that's not about you Leilani: you came into this convo knowing that & what it was about Venus: I really don't think it's cool to blame your problems on your mom's passing Leilani: I'm not feeling very cool about anything atm sorry Venus: I hope you get there 🙏🙏😘 Leilani: thanks Venus: I'll see you at school then 💓 Leilani: yeah

[imxenelle]

Farewell Kim Jonghyun

To be honest, I don't know how to start this blog but I will try my best to make my point clear. And I hope people will take their time to read this. This might be a bit long but please.. Bare with me. Thank you.

I am someone at the age of 19 years old. Eversince I was a child, I had depression. What triggered my depression was watching my family breaking apart and losing a family member because of depression. I was at the age of 4, an age where I shouldn't understand yet what was going on. I should've focused on playing with kids or do stuff like a normal kid should do, but I did not. Instead, I was by my mothers side as I watched her cry every night. I took care of her whenever I could as I wiped away her tears and brought her tissues and a glass of water. I was also always alert when she was about to collapse. I kept her cellphone ready in order to call for help or was ready to run out to our neighbors eventhough it was in the middle of the night. To make it short, I did not acknowledge my depression until I was in elementary. I went to a psychiatrist almost 2 times a week.

Now that I am 19, I've recently realized as to why my depression comes back every now and then. It is not because of my past. I accepted years ago that my family wouldn't be the way it used to be. So I do know that this is not the main reason for my mental issue today.

It was around the first week of September 2017 when I realized, after all these years, that I was the reason behind my depression. I'm the main cause. I am pressured by my own self. I exhaust my own self without noticing it all those years.

After I realized this, the whole reason behind my anxiety and depression, I couldn't stop myself from hurting myself anymore. I was tired of myself once again. On the 23rd September, I tried to overdose myself. 7-8grams, but nothing happened to me, not even after I fell asleep. I got mad. I was annoyed. I couldn't understand why I was still breathing and alive. But I eventually moved on and well, went on with my life.

I'm doing well today.

The point about this blog is, Jonghyun and I have the same reason as to why we're suicidal and have depression. Please, I am not claiming that we have the exact reason nor do I try to claim something else. We are both different people with different feelings and emotions.

I've read an article where Jonghyun's letter was posted and I was extremely shocked hearing about him being depressed about himself. I don't know how to express myself nor do I know if I'm even saying this right. I felt like I understood where he was coming from when he said that people should not judge ones' depression, mostly if you have no clue what he or she is going through. Also when a person was questioning the reason of Jonghyuns' depression. You cannot tell a person what was triggering his mental issues when he himself knew it already.

Having depression myself, I know what a struggle it can be. So I am very thankful to the people who are there for me and never giving up on me. So I hope people out there has at least someone they can trust and depend on whenever they need someone. If you think you don't have anyone, you can always message me. I'm always ready to make friends and be there for someone who needs a shoulder to lean and cry on.

And before I end this blog, I would like to copy paste something I wrote on my IG. I wrote it into 3 parts.

1. "It's all in your mind" "Don't let it go to your head" "Think positive" "Those feelings aren't permanent" "Others have it worse than you"

Please, please stop using those words when someone opens up to you about their problems. About their loud cries in their head. Their silent tears that scream for help. Stop. Please stop promising to a person who has anxiety/depression that you're there for them when you just end up leaving them with their thoughts. With their killing thoughts that no one hears but them. Please stop offer help if you refuse to listen but just put your own words into our mouths. You may reflect upon our situation but please do not talk for us. We may have the same situation but we do not have the same feelings. Please do not compare us with others as we are all different from each other. We do know that people out there may have it worse than us but we do not need it to be rubbed under our noses. We know. Please understand that we are troubling with ourselves. We do not mean to bother others so we keep it to ourselves. But the more we keep it to ourselves, the more people get affected, isn't it? I apologize for that. But please know that I am trying my best to do better, to be okay, to be happy. Please do understand as I try to help myself to be okay because I know no one can help me except myself. But the problem is, I do not know how to help myself anymore. Please do understand that talking may be tiring for us by now as we try to explain over and over again. It's not like we refuse to talk. It's not like that. Please don't force us to talk. It's just really tiring now that we just shut down and stay quiet and just cry. Please understand that anxiety and depression isn't just a feeling of being scared and sadness. It's not. It's something we cannot explain once it hits you. Please do not tell us to think of something positive. It is not like we do not want to. We do try to think positive. But once it hits us, our mind goes blank. It shuts off. Yes, sometimes we do not think but just feel. So please stop saying it is all up in our mind. We do not feel the pain in our mind but in our heart.

2."Try harder" "Your 'trying' isn't enough" "Don't try, do it" "Trying won't hurt"

It ain't easy the way it sound like. Please do not tell us that we should do something in order to make ourselves busy. To make our mind busy. It's because it'll make sound like we aren't trying. But we do. We do know that you mean only good but at the back of our mind it'll still bother us to the point that our mind starts to think "I am trying!" God damn it, we are trying. I am trying. Putting these words into my own mind and mouth is like adding salt to a fresh wound. I take the salt from you and pour it unto my own open flesh so it'll hurt less, but it doesn't. Please do know that we are trying our best to be okay. We try our best to stay happy. Because who doesn't wants happiness in their life? We want it too. We want it to last, even if it would be for a single day. So we try our best to do all the things we love to do, even if it'll takes a risk and a step beyond the line we're scared to cross. Taking the risks in life gave us sometimes the taste of happiness but coming at the end of the day, the same feeling comes back, even if we do not want to welcome it back. It's because IT welcomes us back.

So please, do not tell us to try harder because we do not try. We DO our best.

3. "You're being too dramatic" "Attention seeker" "It'll be okay"

Please stop saying that we're being too dramatic and that we're attention seekers. It hurts. Emotions and feelings aren't something to joke about. Please understand that we rather choose to keep it to ourselves instead of telling it to others. Keep it away even from our friends and loved ones. Sometimes they do not understand us either. Please understand that it hurts the most as we cry in our own 4 walls as we try not to make a sound in order for people not to hear us. It hurts. It hurts when loved ones don't understand. But it hurts the most when they blame themselves because we feel this way. We do not want to blame anyone but ourselves. Our own mind. Please do not talk down on us as you say "it'll be okay". People like I hold unto your words in hope you are saying the truth but cry in pain as these were words were filled with no sincerity but air. We do not blame you for these words that slip from your lips but our idiotic selves for trusting and holding unto something that can't promise us anything. Please do not tell us it'll be okay when you can't see your own tomorrow. Please do not tell us it'll be okay when we've been told this now since years. We are still not okay. Please stop giving us false hope that were meant to be unintentional.

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I am done. I'm sorry if this was a long blog but I would like to give my sincerest thank you if you read it till here!

Please message me if you like to talk to me! You can open up to me about anything. I'm happy to make friends! And please remember to spread love. I love you peeps so much! Always take care of yourself! ❤

Lastly, I would like to end this blog with a short message to our Jonghyun.

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Dear Jonghyun,

How are you? Are you doing well? I do hope you're well and safe. I believe that you're in a place now where you can rest your tired soul. I would like to thank you for being my very first ultimate bias. Thank you and SHINee for bringing me in into the Kpop world. Thanks to you, I found something I can hold unto whenever I feel down and happy of course. Thank you for being my joy and inspiration and motivation. Thank you for sharing your blessings with us. Your beautiful voice with your sweet and kind heart. Thank you for being you Jonghyun. I am sorry if I'm still crying as I write this but please know that I love you so much and that I miss you. I am sorry if I tried to run away from my own sadness and reality. I tried to run and build a wall from the reality that was right in front of me. I was scared to face it. I couldn't believe it and refused to accept it. It was too painful for me to let you go just yet. But knowing that you're in a safe place now, I try to let go. I'm slowly letting go of you. But it doesn't mean I will forget you. I will never forget you Jonghyun. You will always have a place in my mind and heart. You did well.

Rest in Peace Kim Jonghyun.