#like god forbid someone creates a show that actually does something with its premise

[lividdreamz]

Nooo, Netflix, can’t you see that I don’t want intricately plotted, beautifully shot, remarkably well-acted, thought-provoking, mind-bending shows that teeter the threshold between sci-fi, drama, and horror?? Cut that shit out.

[twistedtummies2]

Ele-May-ntary - Number 8

Welcome to Ele-May-ntary! All throughout the month of May, I’ve been counting down my Top 31 Favorite Portrayals of Sherlock Holmes, from movies, television, radio, and even video games! Today, we’ll be talking about an excellent and very recent take on Holmes, from a most unexpected source. Number 8 is…Makoto Furukawa.

Now, to some of you, this choice will be obvious. But to others, you’re probably thinking something along the lines of: “WHAT?! AN ANIME IN THE TOP TEN?! WHAT HERETICAL, BLASPHEMOUS JIGGERYPOKERY IS THIS?!” I’ve never actually been a HUGE aficionado of anime/manga. I don’t HATE it, either, however. There are, in fact, a lot of shows and franchises I really enjoy: Hellsing Ultimate, Pandora Hearts, Death Note, Black Butler, and Soul Eater are all old favorites of mine; as a kid I really loved Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh!; somewhat recently I’ve been introduced to FullMetal Alchemist: Brotherhood and My Hero Academia, and I love both a lot! This is discounting the amazing animated pictures by Studio Ghibli, as well as a small handful of other Japanese-made animated pictures I’ve seen. All this is just to name a few examples. BUT, I also don’t go out of my way to watch anime most of the time, and there are plenty of popular franchises and series I’ve just never been able to get into: I’ve never been a huge fan of Digimon or One Piece, for instance, and I’ve tried to get into Naruto and Dragonball a couple times, but they’ve just never been my cup of tea, either. So while I’m not someone who ADORES anime/manga, I’m also not someone who just deplores it on principle. It sort of depends on the show and what’s going on in it, if that makes sense. Keeping this in mind…I wasn’t really sure what to expect when I decided to check out “Moriarty the Patriot.” It certainly SOUNDED interesting, but I was slightly dubious, as I feared the “anime-ness” I was already anticipating might get in the way of my enjoyment of the characters, or that certain reinterpretations of characters might go against my personal tastes. Still, I remained cautiously optimistic…and, considering this show is not even finished with its second season yet as I type this, I can already safely say that this has become one of my all-time favorite takes on the Holmes canon EVER made, and is easily the best reimagining I’ve seen since “Sherlock” and the Guy Ritchie films. (More on those another time.) The premise of “Moriarty the Patriot” is twofold. First of all, nearly all of the major characters from the Conan Doyle canon are depicted as at least slightly younger than usual. (Because God forbid the main characters in an anime DON’T look like animated supermodels.) Second of all: the main character, as the title suggests, is NOT Holmes, but rather Professor Moriarty. Moriarty is depicted as a violent anti-hero, rather than a straightforward villain, who plans to use crime to call attention to social problems in the English Empire, all to hopefully shift the paradigm of power and create a more equal world. Holmes first meets Moriarty during a case aboard a cruise liner. Impressed – and slightly worried – by the detective’s brilliant intellect (a mind that very closely matches Moriarty’s own), the Professor decides to make Holmes his “official nemesis”: the person who will solve his crimes and hunt him down, to allow his elaborate scheme to function. After all, the perfect criminal NEEDS the perfect detective. While the “anime boi” look for Sherlock admittedly takes a little getting used to (and very obviously calls to mind Benedict Cumberbatch’s portrayal, in terms of features and color choices), the portrayal of the character is really interesting. The show purposefully uses anachronisms in its dialogue, with the characters living and working in a Victorian environment, but speaking in a more modern lingo. Holmes, himself, has a very modern approach to his character: smoking cigarettes instead of a pipe, dressed in short-cut, dark clothes, and with a skull ring on his finger. (Why Holmes would wear such a thing, I have no Earthly clue.) This interpretation latches onto Sherlock’s more childish side. Mrs. Hudson outright describes as being “a child” and he behaves accordingly: he’s quick to speak his mind, does drastic things to get attention or make a point, has a massively mischievous side, and throws tantrums or sulks when he doesn’t get what he wants. Despite this, he also has moments of clear maturity and introspection, and he takes his work deathly seriously. His relationship with Moriarty is also interesting: in this version, the two start out as friends before Holmes ever realizes the Professor is the secret mastermind behind several cases he’s been trying to crack. Holmes is obsessed with solving the ultimate mystery, and becomes fascinated by the Professor’s own mind and the way it matches his, just as Moriarty becomes interested in the detective’s brain. His relationships with the other characters – such as Watson and Inspector Lestrade – are pretty great, too. He’s a very unique but still worthy and surprisingly accurate interpretation of the famous gumshoe, and the power of the show is just as much a result of its strong interpretation of Holmes as its new and powerful depiction of the Napoleon of Crime. I don’t know what I expected from this anime, like I said before…but I did NOT expect it to so instantly and perfectly create such brilliant new takes on these characters and this world. I am so very glad it did. The countdown continues tomorrow! Who will be next? Check in and find out!

[frasier-crane-style]

Terminator: Dark Fate

I have no idea how TSCC came up with two seasons’ worth of innovative scenarios about Terminators and these cinematic universe motherfuckers can only redo T2 with more CGI.

This movie is plotless. It has no real plot. It’s like Now That’s What I Call A Terminator Movie! There are so many callbacks and borrowings from all the other Terminator movies that it passes the point of homage and just becomes plagiarism. The bad Terminator is the same as the T-X, metal endoskeleton with a T-1000 shell. They kill him with a Terminator power core. They say Come With Me If You Want To Live and I’ll Be Back (twice! It’s the first thing Sarah Connor says and it makes no sense in context, it’s just something people say in Terminator movies). In fact, it has anti-plot, since it undoes a lot of the story developments in Terminator and T2.

The premise is basically just we’re going to remake Terminator 1, but people don’t like reboots, so we’re going to bring back Linda Hamilton and make it a technically kinda sorta sequel (sure, Skynet was wiped from existence, but another, completely different, yet exactly the same AI called Legion was created and did the exact same thing. Which also happened in T3, but they had the decency to still call it Skynet). But otherwise, it’s entirely people being chased by an evil robot from the future and trying to destroy it. 

That’s it. That’s all there is to it. T2 had the whole thing about preventing Judgment Day before it happened. T3 had Judgment Day actually happen. This one, nothing. There is nothing going on under the surface other than a bunch of action sequences and explosions. Even T3 got some mileage out of the idea that Judgment Day was inevitable. Here, our cast learns that Judgment Day was already ‘averted’ once slash that it’s destined to be repeated and they basically go “Eh. Figures.” I’m not kidding.

Wait, that’s not fair. Let’s count out the TWEEESTS.

1. In a very contrived way, the script waits an hour and a half to actually explain why heroine Dani has been targeted for termination--you know, the thing Kyle Reese explained to Sarah Connor the moment they were out of danger--all to set up this big ‘reveal’ that Dani isn’t the NuSarah, she’s the NuJohn (yes, they actually say this aloud, just so you soup sandwich motherfuckers in the audience get it). Hear that, neckbeards, John Connor is now a woman! And Mexican! And she’s got a bit of a gay vibe, because it’s 2019 and God forbid we have a heroine that isn’t a bit bicurious. If she has a cock and balls, my bingo card will be a winner.

2. Months after killing John Connor and thus completing his mission, an Arnold-model Terminator started a family (wow, that was quick) and learned the value of human life and eventually switched sides. This is a crazy new idea that also happened in Terminator: Genebissss, so it’s done and dusted in ten minutes, even though Arnold is the most engaging character. (He’s saddled with a lot of yuk lines about how he’s a comically serious Terminator, yet (teehee) works as an interior decorator, but at least he has a personality.)

3. The other good Terminator is Grace, who needs meds to keep up her cyborg strength or she’ll crash (this never affects the plot) (it’s like they read something about Rey Palpatine having no flaws and so they decided to give Grace the ‘flaw’ of literally having her own Kryptonite). She’s not a Terminator, she’s an augmented human, which means she can make MCU-style wisecracks every five minutes. (”I didn’t hear anything.” “That’s because you’re not a cybernetic super soldier from the future.” Actual dialogue.)

4. Linda Hamilton is back, baby! Yes, that’s right, they dragged her away from doing guest spots on Lost Girl! Can you believe???? She’s become a Terminator hunter that ambushes Terminators as they come back from the future and destroys them, because Skynet was both able to send back an infinite number of Terminators AND because now they can easily be destroyed by one five-hundred-year-old woman. 

This makes it a bit confusing why they have so much trouble taking out Ghost Rider, given that he’s a T-1000 skin with a creamy T-800 center. It seems like if you hammer him enough, he’s got no endoskeleton, and that’s all she wrote. That’s what happened to the T-X. Can his liquid metal skin just walk around without the other half of him? If so, what’s the point of the endoskeleton? The T-1000 managed without it and that seemed a lot harder to kill. At one point, Sarah hits the bare endoskeleton with a bazooka, which seems like it should’ve been a mortal blow, but it’s the first act, so I guess not.

And is it supposed to be funny that the opening takes place in a car factory where (in 2019!) the human workers are losing their assembly line jobs to machines? Because they’re all Mexicans? None of them ever look at a Terminator and go THEY TOOK OUR JOBS, but man, that one is all teed up for the Rifftrax boys.

For a movie with, as I said, no plot, it’s very rushed. They seem to be saying “yeah, it’s a dumb Terminator movie, you know the score,” (even tho it’s halfway aimed at people who aren’t Terminator fans; more on that in a minute) because it seems to take all of ten minutes for both good guys and bad guys to find Dani and start getting into CGI stunt double fights, which means the story has very little time to breathe and we have very little time to get to know any of the characters. The bad guy spawns practically at Dani’s front door! And pretty much does everything by massacring a bunch of people and then hacking a computer. The T-1000 had some intelligence, some charisma. This guy’s a big nothing.

And the Dani character is useless. She starts the story already super assertive, is barely traumatized at all by her loved ones being killed and her own life being endangered. There’s none of that relatable feel of an everyman suddenly being told they have a grand destiny and an incredible responsibility, because right from the start she’s standing up to her mean boss and doing the Nevertheless She Persisted thing. And all this while being literally five feet tall and looking all of twelve years old. 

I love these Spy Kids movies.

And at least the original two movies were smart enough to leave the future John Connor mostly to the imagination. This one actually shows us Dani as grizzled military badass, beating up guys and delivering inspiring speeches (would it surprise you to know that humans fighting among each other “is exactly what Legion wants”?), and it’s just--oh man. If ever a political leader is enough to make people think back to the good old days of Trump and Biden...

And if we’re going to talk shit (rightfully) about Jai Courtney’s Kyle Reese not being at all scruffy or traumatized or feral, it should be noted that Grace seems pretty well-adjusted for a post-apocalyptic guerrilla fighter (who all wear Starship Trooper uniforms). Aside from a tendency to smash the face in of everyone she comes across, whether they’ve done anything to deserve it or not (Sample dialogue, to a doctor who is looking at her X-rays after performing life-saving surgery on her: “Did I give you permission to look at my private parts?” SMASH. No, really!)

They really go all in on this cringey, woke af “You’re not the mother of some MAN, Dani. YOU ARE THE FUTURE!” And yet, there’s a hilarious amount of toxic masculinity in this movie, just without the dongs. About every other line Sarah and Grace have is generic tough guy bullshit about how they’re going to kick someone’s ass, how they’re suspicious of someone, how they’re hostile towards someone. If they had dongs, you would think they were the smallest dongs possible, because they are compensating for something, BIG TIME. Between the T-800 and Sarah and Grace, everyone in this movie seems to outright hate each other, to the point that Arnold’s killer cyborg is one of the more pleasant characters. It gets to where you just want someone to order a fucking decaf. Does the fact that Sarah Connor has a vagina keep it from being ridiculously over the top how she spends all her time either blowing up robots or drinking herself into a stupor? C’mon. You can’t complain about male characters having ‘man-pain’ then give Bad Grandma a pass over her ovaries.

And that’s it. It’s a Brundlefly shit between yet another dumb girlpower reboot for the people who’ve never seen a Terminator movie and a sequel with Sarah and Uncle Bob to try and get that last drop of blood outta this stone. They’re trying to make something that appeals to both people for whom this is their first Terminator and people for whom this is their latest Terminator and it just doesn’t work. The newbies don’t have any emotional investment in these characters and the Terminator fans don’t like it that all the old movies were rendered meaningless to prop up Grace and Dani.

Hilariously enough, I actually played Terminator: Resistance recently, which is a fun little mid-tier shooter that was meant to tie in to this movie... and it completely ignores all the Dani/Grace/Legion BS to take place in John Connor’s future war and tie in to the first two movies. That’s how forgettable this movie is. Its own damn video game adaptation pretends it doesn’t exist. Fuuuck.

Oh! Oh! Oh! And in that big, bad, sexist original Terminator, which was so unwoke and problematic, Sarah saved herself and finished off the Terminator herself. Here, Dani has to be saved by Arnold at the climax. The 35-year-old movie is more feminist than this one. Fuck you very much.

[wecannotgoback]

Video Games Might be a Little Satanic

Susan Brinkmann of Philadelphia’s The Bulletin would like you to know that video games are, more and more, skewing towards the satanic and are waging a war against God… or… something. According to Brinkmann, even the “hardcore” crowd is starting to become concerned by the increasing levels of anti-religious sentiment in modern video games.

Even the most hard-core gamers are sounding the alarm about the rise in the number of satanically-themed video games that target God and Christianity, invite players to make pacts with the devil, and elevate Satan to hero status.

“This has been going on for the last 10 years, but especially in the most recent games,” said Lance Christian, 32, of Alton, Illinois who has been an avid gamer for most of his life.

Basically Mr. Christian and, by extension, Mrs. Brinkmann are arguing that the video game industry has become increasingly friendly towards Mr. Beelz.

Brinkmann cites several games to support her argument (and provided by Mr. Christian), including Shin Megami Tensei III: Nocturne, Darksiders, Devil Summoner and Tecmo’s Deception: Invitation to Darkness. But the brunt of Brinkmann’s article is aimed squarely at EA’s Dante’s Inferno and it’s apparent outward showing of anti-religious sentiment. Sadly this argument falls apart when you actually look at the game and not just some questionable advertisements. Best Twitch streaming equipment.

Without getting into too much detail, Dante’s Inferno puts you in the shoes of Dante, a soldier from the Third Crusade who has embarked on a journey into the afterlife to rescue his wife from Lucifer before he can use her soul to break free from Hell and try to overthrow God and Heaven. In the process of doing this Dante must fight his way through demons of all shapes and sizes while using a big ass scythe… so in reality, it’s almost 100% faithful to the Divine Comedy if scribe Dante Alighieri had watched “What Dreams May Come”.

And dropped blotter acid.

Let’s look at Dante’s Inferno objectively for a moment. Yes, the game is very brutal and definitely deals heavily in the macabre. But once you look beyond what’s on the surface what you find is a rather righteous tale of redemption as this man travels to the furthest corners of hell in order to save the woman he loves from the devil himself and in the process protecting Heaven and possibly saving God’s ass. I don’t know about you guys, but that’s pretty damn angelic to me, regardless of the methods used.

Cultural Differences The fair majority of games listed in Brinkmann’s article are Japanese in origin. In Japan, religion is not a particularly taboo issue and many forms of Japanese media, from manga to films and games, include some form of religious or spiritual content that is used as a mechanism to further the plot. That’s it and, more often than not, that’s all. No condemnation. No outrage. Best gaming chair models for 2021.

This issue doesn’t spark until news of the ‘evil anti-Christian Satan sim’ reaches the American Bible Belt or, God forbid, the mainstream news.

You see, the United States has something of a hard on for Jesus and whenever something that dares to paint Christianity as anything but a bright white beacon of hope for all humanity, a small but loud sect of the American population cries foul. This is due in large part to two things: 1.) Ignorance of the culture the game was created in and for, and B.) Arrogance. Pure, simple arrogance. Specifically the arrogance that any mention of “God” automatically means that it’s referring to your god.

As a matter of fact, most video games are very careful to avoid mentioning any religions outright. Sometimes, as is the case with games like The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, elements of existing religions are used to enhance the mythos. In Oblivion, the Knights of the Nine are strikingly similar to the Knights Templar. Anyone who takes the time to read the countless books in Oblivion will find many more nods to real-world religions and beliefs worked in.

Games like Oblivion, which feature religion outright, are a rare breed. The majority of games that use religious symbolism do so in a more subtle or restrained way. Bayonetta (one of the games listed by Mrs. Brinkmann), for instance, is basically about a witch who is out to kill angels. While this works to set the story up, it doesn’t actually come up very often as you play and when it does, it’s not pushed on you very strongly. Of course, Bayonetta isn’t exactly what you would consider a serious game – most gamers were quick to realize that Bayonetta is little more than breastakaboobical, chestakamammical, pendular globular fun. Unless you actively pay attention, you won’t even notice it’s there.

The Dragon Age Effect Dragon Age: Origins is a shining example of how religion and religious belief can be conveyed in games. For those of you who have yet to play it, Dragon Age: Origins includes an religious group known as the Chantry of Andraste, which is heavily based on Christianity. Unlike games like Oblivion, which treat spirituality and religious faith as absolute fact, Dragon Age: Origins keeps the entire discussion rather. At no point during the game are you led by the narrative to believe that the story of Andraste is either right or wrong. To further gray the area of religious belief, there are several points in the game you can overhear NPCs and members of your party debating the merits of religious belief and faith.

The true beauty of how religion is portrayed within Dragon Age: Origins is that at no point during the game are you given the answers. It treats religion as a characteristic of a larger world and the overall narrative is such that depending on how one looks at it one can decide whether they were taking part in a holy war or simply defending their homeland from an invading army. The Gamer Collective’s list of best corner gaming desks.

But of course, Blankmann and Mr. Christian (who provided the list) have taken Dragon Age: Origins and boiled it down to its most base elements — and somehow still managed to get those wrong:

Game revolves around the story of God going mad and cursing the world. A witch attacks believers and players can “have sex” with her in a pagan act called “blood magic” so she can “give birth to a god.” Another scenario allows player to have sex with a demon in exchange for a boy’s soul.

I have to admit that I’ve yet to finish Dragon Age: Origins so I turned to resident Dragon Age expert, friend of Binge Gamer and all around connoisseur of awesomesauce Raychul Moore to see just how accurate the above statement was.

Suffice to say, not very NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD:

HA! That is all wrong. You have sex with a Mage so that the demon will not kill and take the soul of one of the Grey Wardens (they are the only ones that can kill the Archdemon). You never can have sex with someone to save a demon.

[Before that] a boy is possessed, but you can’t sleep with someone to save him, you have to decide whether to kill the boy or have someone go into the “Fade” to fight the demon and save the boy. “God going mad”? Yeah, they never played the game, obviously. There is no reference at all to such a thing.

…I have nothing to add, I simply wanted to clarify that Mrs. Brinkmann’s article was wrong.

The Other Extreme If games like Shin Megami Tensei III: Nocturne are the extreme of demonic imagery in games, the other extreme is best seen in Left Behind: Eternal Forces, a real-time strategy based on the series of books that have also spawned a series of movies starring Kirk Cameron as Himself*. The basic premise of Eternal Forces is that the world has ended and you’re on a mission to convert as many people to Christianity as possible.

And if they don’t convert, you kill them.

Apart from that Left Behind: Eternal Forces is the single most intentionally racist game I’ve ever played. Those fighting for the “Antichrist” have African and Arabic names whilst the majority of those fighting for the Lord are whiter than Ward Cleaver. Furthermore the game carries a 1950s-esque sense of gender role as many unit classes are “men only” while women must carry around arbitrary titles like “Medic Woman”.

For what its worth many Christian organizations decried the game as being the misogynistic, bigoted tripe that it was. What few of these groups realized was that the game itself also sucked, for which there is no forgiveness.

No More Backpedaling But you know what? For as much as I find Left Behind: Eternal Forces to be a vile disgrace on the video game industry, I would not call for it to be censored. I wouldn’t call for it to be pulled from store shelves, and in fact I would like to see Left Behind: Eternal Forces and other games like it sitting on store shelves right next to Devil May Cry and Shadow Hearts. As gaming grows, the industry needs more games to address these supposedly taboo topics. And when the blowback comes (and it will come), the gaming industry must stand its ground.

No more backpedaling.

Every time a group of people cry foul over the content of a particular title, the games industry goes absolutely insane. Developers and publishers have PR firms draft ultra-professional retorts to these wild-eyed complaints while game bloggers (schmucks like me) circle the wagon and say anything they can to try and discredit the source while rarely, if ever, addressing the core issue.

This needs to stop.

The video game industry, as a whole, needs to stand up and say two simple words:

So what? Until the gaming industry stops trying to apologize every time a title offends someone, that aura of “legitimacy” that so many gamers want in order for this medium to be taken seriously as an art form will continue to elude them. If you want this thirty year-old misconception that video games are strictly a children’s toy to finally be done away with, we’re going to have to own up to and defend all the content in these games instead of apologizing for it.

So as the title says: Yes, some games are satanic. Some games are sexist. Some games are racially or culturally insensitive, though rarely is it out of maliciousness. Some games have content that you or I will not agree with. But if gaming is to truly become accepted in the public consciousness as an art form and a true entertainment medium, people are simply going to have to accept that there is some content that they simply will not like. Just like they do with film and music and television.

Gaming is not just for children anymore, and to break that mindset you may have to drag a few people to that realization kicking and screaming. But before the gaming industry can do that, it has to stop being afraid of stepping on a few toes.

*Correction: Kirk Cameron’s character of Buck Williams may actually be slightly less insane than Kirk Cameron himself.

Oh, One More Thing…a lifelong gamer with intricate knowledge of several “anti-Christian,” “anti-religious” games who lives in Alton, Illinois (home to one of the oldest Catholic Churches in the United States) who just happens to be named “Lance Christian”? … something smells about that. I think Mrs. Brinkmann has been had.