#like every once in a while I acknowledge the fact that Im disabled

[dorianwolfforest]

I’m not saying I want SSE to change ms holdsworth. If this is her design now, fine. Whatever. Im furious, but fine.

What I would want is for SSE to have a conversation internally about how they prioritized the streamlining process for background NPC’s no one is going to care about (especially when that was unnecessary because they already have two skinny, tall, old women skeletons to use for those NPC’s) over the already present inclusivity.

Make excuses all you want, a deliberate choice was made. There was a priority, and that priority led to the erasure of a character’s representation, representation that is already overlooked in media.

I could shout about how bad sso feminism is all year, and I know I would get no response because sse fully believe they are the pinnacle of feminism in modern gaming. So instead I really, really need them to prove it to me this time.

In a society that shuns and hates fat women. In a society that see disabled people as obstacles to be avoided. You have fallen into the exact same traps and are upholding the exact same beliefs. So talk about it. Acknowledge that this was a misstep. Apologize and tell us you will try to do better. Prove that you are women positive, and that representation is important to you as a company.

I am reminded of when Ubisoft animation director told Polygon in an interview that animating a female lead for their assassins creed games would be “too much work”, and I promise you the people at SSE were clapping each other on the back, congratulating each other on not being Like That when that news dropped. They cheered each other on for being the peak of inclusivity, for considering everyone and giving every body a place on jorvik. And now we are fed the same excuse, but targeted at minorities that are even further overlooked.

To then sidestep critique entirely and focus on the fact that they made her taller is infuriating. Yes, she should have a slightly hunched back. Not all old ladies are going to have the posture of a Barbie princess. But that’s not the issue and I feel like they know it’s not the issue. It’s more of that PR shit where you acknowledge the criticism, but in such a way that someone who does not know anything about the criticism will not be able to pick up on what they’re getting shit for, thus reducing the damage.

This isn’t a graphics update where you can just shrug and say “those kids, always yelling about the old graphics” this is you making a, frankly malicious, decision as a company because you’ve deemed a group of people too inconvenient. Ms holdsworth IS important enough to be unique. And if she ISNT important enough, who is? Is Linda going to be the only fat NPC left on jorvik once you’re done while everyone else shares the same 3 body types?

Furthering that point, fat background NPC’s can and should exist. Ms holdsworth does not need to be wholly unique. It is disheartening to know that all old people in sso, no matter their importance, are going to share the same 3 skinny bodies. That fucking sucks.

[pacifymebby]

what's it like working in care? I need the money so I've been looking into it for a while. Do you enjoy it? How many days/hours a week do you typically work?

I mean its a tricky one because (idk what country youre in but) in the uk the pay is shite, however like if u need a job and u need money, you can get a job in care pretty easily if u know like, the buzzwords for interview and u can show that ur capable of empathy haha, and then once u have the job you will definitely be guaranteed hours.

I do 30+ hrs a week, and i pick up relief hours at other homes too sometimes, its a really understaffed underfunded sector in the uk so there's always places desperate for staff.

However, its a really understaffed and underfunded sector which means the job can be really draining and you quite often feel like ur giving more than u get. Working in care is the main reason im such an angry commie about everything, like, you really see where the government is failing a huge number of people (both workers and those who rely on care) so it can be very tiring and you high pressure.

HOWEVER

Its also the most fullfilling of all the minimum wage jobs. As someone who has worked in care/supermarkets/cafes/bars, i would never go back to any of those other places. You have v high job satisfaction on a good day because youre interacting with these cool people, like, old people are neat they say cool funny things have stories they wanna tell and theyre just straight up sweet (and even when theyre not and theyre grumpy or square goin yous the situations make good/funny memories after the fact) and also so much of the time the peopke youre working with appreciate you and its a positive two way engagement if that makes sense?

Like in hospitality generally youre faking a smile to be a good employee and the person ur serving isnt even bothering to fake a smile. And 90% of the time u are just serving and waiting on people who dont acknowledge or appreciate you and its literally just a chore etc.

But in care you're building actual bonds with the people you support, theyre happy to see you (most of the time haha) and you genuinely feel good about what you're doing. Ive got some amazing memories of people i met working in care, like just some of the coolest people. And also some of the things im most proud of having achieved too, like, i have a whole degree behind me but the thing im more proud of is that I once taught a young lad with learning disabilities and v v low self esteem, to like sing a song and be happy and confident doing it and he would sing it and do a wee dance and like that was such a big achievement for him and knowing i helped him achieve it is like, wow, cool. Idk if that makes sense?

And i think that like, if youre an empathetic person, and you're also like, able to go with the flow and just sorta roll with whatever weird shit you see then care is a really good job to do. Especially when it's like, you just need a job and your other options are stuff like bar work.

I think most care home jobs in nursing/dementia homes are generally the hardest, you often do a 12 hour shift maybe 3/4 days a week, its long and although "every day is different" its v much a solid routine of getting people up in the morning, washing/dressing/feeding etc, then 15 minute break, then like maybe 1hr of writing up notes and making teas and generally interacting with people, going and changing their positions in bed if they need help with that, answering call bells, personal care/pad changes etc. then getting people ready for lunch/feeding people, then u get your lunch, then you maybe do more notes and the same as in the morning, and then dinner and feeding people and then getting people washed and changed and into bed. And depending on training then youre doing medication rounds too. I didn't work in that kind of home for too long because the shifts were really long and exhausting.

HOWEVER see if you can find a "hospitality" job going in a care home, thats generally minimum wage and instead of doing all the personal care care work, youre maybe serving breakfasts for 2 hours in the morning, then doing a wee tea round for an hour, then knockin around in the dining room getting ready for lunch, then doing lunch, then another tea round, then prepping for dinner and going home. I used to love working that job because it was shorter days but still good hours AND you had so much time to spend interacting with the residents and being that person they could chat too and stuff. It was honestly really good and less stressful.

Also working in the mental health and learning disabilities side of care is really fullfilling too and i think people dont think about it so much when they think about working in care. But supported living homes are really great, theyre usually smaller, usually run by charities rather than evil private companies who are essentially making millions on providing low quality end of life care to people to the 10 years prior to their death (i really really hate private care, i think private care homes should be abolished and care should be brought fully into the NHS) (private care homes are literally a big drain on the NHS i think) (anyway sorry u didnt ask for that opinion haha)

But yeah the charities are always more person centered, more focussed on working with the people you support to live the lives they want to live and to be having a good and healthy time. My best experiences of care are almost all from my time working in supported living homes.

You could also look at drop in and respite places, usually if you just search "support worker" into indeed or a job search then these kind of rolls come up too, where you do day shifts in day centers where people can come to recieve a few hours of one to one support.

I worked the summer holidays at one of those places and my 8-10 hour shifts so often consisted of going to the cinema with kids, going to the park, going on an adventure playground, doing some painting, playing in a sandpit etc... It was obviously stressful at times and like definitely tiring but idk, working in a supermarket or a bar is stressful too and u dont get anywhere near the ammount of positive interaction and job satisfaction ya know?

If u do want to try and get a job in care feel free to message me and I'll help you with like, the kinds of things to include in your personal statement or cv/interview xxx

[the-eldritch-it-gay]

anyways if anyone's wondering how im doing, here's a WIP of a glorified diary entry that's me reflecting on the question "Do you take pride in your work" and talking about the abysmal state of being a part-time custodian at a public school.

“Do you take pride in your work?”

When I was being interviewed, I was asked how my former employer would describe me in. I took a moment and came up with, “passionate, dedicated, someone who loves what they do”. (I had 5 different managers at my last job. My former employer only saw me once and never evaluated my work). It wasn’t entirely a lie, though, I enjoyed my time as a student custodian in a college dorm. It was hell, I dealt with horrific messes made by people my age who didn’t consider that a person deals with their trash, someone almost called the police on me because I was suspicious (i.e. a brown Muslim), I was frequently injured, my grades suffered because of how taxing the work was. But I like routine, I liked that I didn’t have to talk to people and I could just listen to music and shuffle around cleaning. I don’t love cleaning, but I love spending time and doing something repetitive and straightforward. If I had to pick between working in retail and cleaning bathrooms, I’d take cleaning bathrooms any day.

When my new manager was showing me around the building, he told me that everyone here loves what they do and takes pride in a job well done, and he said he could tell I was the same way. I felt guilty when he said that, like I would be betraying him if I told him the truth.

I was having a rather difficult night during my last shift. I was physically in agony, mentally I was struggling with paranoia and auditory hallucinations (not helped by the knowledge the day manager watches the cameras and checks my work). I was cleaning a 2nd-grade classroom (the worst one, the one that has always left behind massive messes) and while I vacuumed and let my mind wander, a question found its way into my brain.

“Do you take pride in your work?”

Tears welled in my eyes, sharp and painful as I thought of the answer to that question.

I wish I did. It’s hard to. There’s not much I can find to take pride in. What could I take pride in? I was here because despite a bachelor's degree I couldn’t find any work and I needed to get money to eat somehow. I’m here because I live in my parents' basement and they’ll only let me stay if I have a job. I’m here because custodial work is the only job people seem to want to hire me for. I’m here, hiding the fact that I’m physically disabled so I can do manual labor and destroy my body for a wage that could never pay for rent, doing a job with 0 benefits.

I bought nice work pants to wear at the job but most days I can’t even manage to put them on because it’s too hard on my body. 

When I worked in a dorm, I sometimes felt pride. It might have been sparingly, but I did feel good sometimes. On the weekends, I was the only one cleaning the dorm. While the building was nearly a ghost town with how asocial every resident was, I would still see the residents. I would smiled at them from behind my niqab when I passed them in the hallways carrying trash. I exchanged pleasantries and a few words with the small handful of residents who weren’t white. Once or twice, I would catch a resident bringing their trash out and I would offer to take it and they would thank me. During the worst of COVID, my duties included bringing food to people in quarantine and taking their trash to the dumpster since they couldn’t take it themselves. I felt like I was doing something good, even if most of the residents wouldn’t acknowledge my presence or make eye contact, even though I was hate-crimed while on duty, even though I saw the worst in people.

My new job is at a public school, after hours. I’ve only seen a teacher once, I never see any of the children who learn in the classrooms I clean. The one teacher I did see looked at me once and then let me gather her trash in silence. I doubt any of the teachers know who cleans their classrooms, I wonder half the time if the children even know someone cleans the school. How many of them were brought up being told that they need to study or they’ll end up cleaning bathrooms? Do the students who write obscenities on the walls of the bathroom know that if I don’t get it off the wall, I’ll get written up? That every time I try to clean it off, it’s motivated by paranoia that if I don’t, I put my job in jeopardy. 

I don’t take pride in my work. My cleaning is not motivated by love or dedication or care, but fear. I’ve been applying for jobs since late 2021, slowly burning through my savings trying to stay afloat. I clean in fear, in knowledge that in a year of applying for jobs this is the only job I’ve even been interviewed for. That if I slip up, if I slack, if I fail to meet requirements, I’ll lose my only income.

I’m an abuse survivor, I come from a bad home and difficult childhood, I have PTSD. I don't take pride in my work, everything I do I fear is inadequate. I assume I’m doing everything wrong, that I’m only being tolerated at most and one slip-up will bring me a world of pain. It doesn’t help that I was barely trained. The only reason I’ve managed so far is relying on the 2 years of experience I have at my previous job.

I push around a cart full of cleaning supplies that I haven’t been taught to use. At the dorm, I had 4 main products, a general disinfectant, a bathroom cleaner, a glass cleaner, and on occasion, hospital-grade disinfectant spray. I knew the kill times for each, where to use each. At my current job, my cart and closet are full of an assortment of products, half of them the sort of thing you’d find in a Walgreens. If things look dirty, I was told to spray it with disinfectant. A far cry from my previous job where I would spray down and clean every high-touch surface (tables, the backs and arms of chairs, door handles, railings, window sills). 

I don’t take pride in my work, I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough. I feel like I should be wiping down tables and desks and chairs. Children are messy, we’re still in a pandemic. But at my job, I’ve been told to mainly vacuum, take out trash, make sure there’s soap, polish the water fountain. I only have 4 hours to clean 10 classrooms, 2 bathrooms and 2 gyms. I feel like I barely have any time to clean each room.

How can I take pride in my work.

[bma-2020]

Okiedok here’s the delio. I have a list of all the blogs from the last six months who’s actively either responded to a meme i sent, responded to a message ive sent, replied to something regarding mally herself, has actually written with me, written a starter for me from my liking a starter call, has at least liked a starter i wrote for them to awknowedge it exists, all that jazz, i have a lot of open field so it’s not just a possible tumblr didnt let them no option anymore, because i send memes to everyone who posts them that i see. I reply to most peoples ooc posts. I like most starter calls I pass by. I try my darndest to actually interact bc i know how it feels to be ignored and its… i’ve been called one before so i’m using the word, thats fluffing cunty behavior, and honestly if you complain about not being interacted with but never even try when i try with you, ya being cunty, end of. I gotta list. That list only entails Mally because she’s who I care about the most. I’m probably gonna start instilling a new rule in all my blogs that if you ignore Mally and/or Darcy( @tasedandconfused ), since I would say they’re my two main blogs tho darcy gets ignored even more than mally does, probably bc i denied canon and left it entirely we know fandom hates that, if either of them is ignored then… Ya out of luck, I’m gonna unfollow you. I’m debating soft blocking everyone who ignored me on both of them but I don’t want to like be mean and deny the chance to eventually try again but at the same time i shouldnt feel bad for taking a stand and saying this is bullsheet, idk my anxiety says im awful for giving a fluff about myself but also i should give a fluff about myself probably, ive nearly died in the last three months, my brain almost exploded, i just had three root canals on one corner of my face, i have to potentially get surgery on my inner ear which i cant even afford, i dont got time to deal with only being used for like smut memes or like as a resource blog or utter bs like that, i dont got time for it. So new rules here. 1: If Mally or Darcy are not acknowledged, written with, responded to, viewed as more than just their fluffing bodies? ya dropped, im unfollowing, potentially soft blocking, which means blocking and unblocking for those not in the know, on all accounts I follow you on. Every single one. I know most of my muses are on sideblogs but despite not being able to send memes from sideblogs you can block people from sideblogs fun fact, i will do that if i have to. 2: I’m gonna be posting SCs, PCs, memes, etc. I like and respond to plotting calls, starter calls, i send memes, all of that. If I don’t get any response within.. I’m giving one week for people who don’t run on a queue and a month and a half to people on a queue based system, if i dont get anything within that time like at least an im being like ‘its posted’ or ‘its queued i wanted to let you know in case tumblrs a fluffbutt’ (i do this sometimes if i dont get even just a like on the starters i post so i at least know people saw it since i know tumblrs bs, i wait until the day they’re active to do so in case theyre busy yknow) basically i need acknowledgment at all. No you can’t claim this is abt follower count bc when you unfollow someone they inevitably unfollow you too, thats gonna drop my following, not as quickly as soft blocking would but i wanna be fair i guess, which leads to: 3: I’m basing this on your activity too, like if i like a think and you’re gone for a month after that its fine, im not gonna unfollow you unless you never come back or youre online and posting others just not mine because that tells me youre specifically ignoring me and im gonna drop you for that end of. I’m done with the bullsheet im done w the dillish behavior, i love friendship but if im giving and never receiving thats extremely one way and not gonna work. I check through my follow list weekly and i go back about five-10 pages on someones feed before i unfollow them to see their actual activity and see if theyre here or if its a q so. I’m thorough basically. 4: You dont have to be active with me on all your blogs, i mean i’d prefer it but thats hard as fluff so essentially if you have like five blogs and are just like trying w me on two or three thats fine. Ten blogs, four or five with at least a plot formed is cool. Multis just one muse is all I’d need. I’m not gonna unfollow the blogs youre not writing w me on if you at least write w me on some. Again, specifically Mally and/or Darcy. If you ignore both of them, we’re done. I havent been active on darcy because of being ignored and its a huge butt mess and im just tired i wanna use my babies, you don’t get to have my ‘better’ muses like i know a lot of ppl only follow me for my boys or my villains, you don’t get them if you ignore my baby. But, there is a limit there too. 5: If you never respond to a meme or thread even once with Mally or Darcy, or post a starter, i reply, its never replied to again after a month, I’m unfollowing and/or soft blocking for that too. Bc that means youre just raising my hopes to fluff with me or get someone else and honestly, youre even more cunty than than the people just flat out ignoring me if you do that. And this isnt a specific person, this is five of the people actually on my list. Yes, my list is also annotated with specifics again I was very thorough on this yesterday, I hyperfixated I’ll admit it, I’m in a fluffing depressionary bubble and being told to get over it because people want something they dont deserve to have to. I am a believer that people deserve good things but if youre purposefully being cunty… no you dont. 6: No I’m not releasing my list, maybe I will and I’ll omit the urls because I don’t want people being buttholes to each other too but otherwise, yall not seeing it im not giving a callout because… really thats just unnecessary here. I don’t think yall are toxic people or something i just think yall are unintentionally being cunty. And no I don’t mean everyone that follows me i mean the ppl that add up to what i’ve documented so far and fit the bill of butthat that i’ve shown, its behaviors yall gotta check before ya wreck. Yes there will be some people who have priority, everyone has those people, I write w kathryn on other platforms since she doesnt go on here as often but when Kathryn returns from war here (if she does cause she also agrees most ppl on this platform are cunty, i feel really bad saying that word so often but im gonna keep doing it i recently deleted an ask saying I was a huge cunt for not sending someone smut memes when I didn’t even follow them or know they existed so, again the travesty of this place is nutballers) same with owly, alex is here too, my most active partners are always going to be priority because theyre the ones who show the most interest and the most care. I understand that with others as well which is why I have the timeframe set up, because I want to be as open and shizz as possible while atill being firm i guess. I don’t want to have extreme double standards like its impossible for double standards not to exist at least a little bit but I want to avoid a golden chest full of them I guess. 7: I don’t have a seven rn, this was an even number and it bothered me. Seven is nust my warning that I’m bittery writing this on mobile so formatting is not real but i tried my dandest to make this look like something people might actually mind. I dont want to be butty, i dont want to be awful, i dont want to start drama or have drama but that shizz comes around anyways so i might as well make my space as okay for me as i can cause im supposed to avoid stress so my brain doesnt almost explode again, like again i almost fluffing died i dont need ppl fake being my friend or anything, i want stuff to be real and clear. I want to be happy to be on here again and have fun like i used to since my health is plummetting and I’m not allowed to go outside near plants by myself anymore because i welt up. I have plants outside my work place and im surrounded by chemicals all day long I’m welted from here to new york constantly and never comfortable in my own skin because of it and constantly see people online acting like these actual real problems are pretentious because ‘its an excuse’ when, im a fluffing sagittarius, do you know how much i want to magically be a millionaire so i can pay for friends and my own medical stuff and go on traveling and adventures, be outside probably not camping bc as a pagan i know thats a death sentence but like be outside, lay on grass, go back to swimming because i used to swim competitively and due to health reasons i can barely even go in a pool anymore because theres too much sunlight which, bit plot twist i know, im fluffing allergic to vitamin D and the rays of the sun, so go figure, attempts to be healthy kill me more, i also cant eat most plants and am constantly dying from just eating food, they dont know whats wrong with me. i cant fix it by going ve/gan for a month inf act i tried and it almost made my heart stop thanks society. These arent excuses these are the lives of disabled and diseased and to a lesser but still very real point, ethnic lives every fluffing day. This is real shit and its murder and online and gaming? It may be all I have soon since I can’t just go out and make new friends cause, again, I’d fluffing die. I get sick going to the mall or the movie theater, I miss theme parks so much but have to minimize it to weeks i dont have work so i dont get fired for having a welt while working in the beauty industry. I may have to get a degree online and change my field entirely because of my illness that nobody understands. People even make fun of it constantly online and I wish I could just drop online entirely because of how unbelievably ableist the entirety of the world is, i wish i could drop humans in general for their ableism, but i cant. I don’t have choices in most cases, but throwing away people who maybe purposefully maybe unintentionally thats why i’m giving you this warning and will be repeating this warning for awhile, this is where i have choice. I have to use what little choice I have in life while I can since everytime i go to movies or a concert or a theme park i almost die because of not having an immune system that functions or being in certain air qualities pr being near plants or unclean people, I may not have much time and I gotta do whats best for what little mental health I have, and if that means dropping people i care about and really want to write with and do things with but who ignore me then, i guess so be it.

[promiseimnotacop]

let's go about this a different way: pick your fave ten questions from the trans journey ask game and answer them!

bold of you to assume I’ve ever managed to make a decision in my life. also warning this gonna be looooooong

from this ask game

1. How did you choose your name? 

so I’ve always been interested in names and a couple years before i ever came out to anyone I asked my mum casually if there were any other names she’d considered giving me. She said that Finn or Finnbar were up there had I “”been born a boy”” and so I latched on to that. It worked pretty well for me because I wanted something that felt like an equivalent exchange for my birthname and that I didn’t associate strongly with a particular individual and I’d never had a Finn in my year at school so that was all hunky dory. Took me a while longer to figure out middle names (because my birthname has two middle names and it’s sort of a tradition on my dad’s side so I wanted to have those). 

There was a hot minute when I considered calling myself “Hugo Finn” which I’m so glad I didn’t, not that it is objectively a bad name, but because my reasoning was erm....bad. It was at a time when I had a lot of internalised self hatred/disgust and the name Hugo I first came across and associated heavily with the morally ambiguous “freak” from ASOUE. At the time I thought using a name I associated so heavily with the word freak was a way of subverting negative feelings but tbh it wasn’t. I’m so glad I didn’t tether myself that negativity. 

Also fun fact, my birthname is Shakespearean protagonist who spends most of the play dressed as a boy so again for a hot second I considered using the name she does, Fidele, but I wasn’t about having a super conspicuously uncommon name. 

For middle names in the end I went for James Lee (though nothing is legal or set in stone feedback and opinions are welcome lol). Lee came first, after the river in my village that I have a lot of postive memories associated with, outside of all the gender bullshit. The problem then became that the name “Finn Lee” would sound like/get mistaken for “Finley” and “Finnbar Lee” would sound like “Finn Barley” which would be eccentric and confusing. So it needed a buffer. In the end I went for James, partly because the first middle name of my given name is a saint, but mostly because James can be Jim and that allows for some of my childhood nicknames (im jim jam, imbo jimbo) to sort of still apply. that was a long answer to a short question lol but I spent a lot of time thinking about this because for some reason I felt  like I couldn’t come out until I’d already settled on a full name. 

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?

I don’t think they’re separable. I have dysphoria about my body but it is because of societal perceptions of my body

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?

depends on how savvy that person is to trans jargon honestly. The best, if clunky, label I’ve found for my gender is “transmasculine non-binary” which is two different quite broad umbrella terms lol. I like the looseness of it. For me personally, it means that the framework of masculinity and maleness is not an exact fit and does not cover some of the complexities of my gender but, in my daily interactions it is a close enough approximation and I do desire to pursue parts of what might be considered a “trans masculine” medical transition. For the most part masculine coded language (including he/him pronouns) is what suits me the best, with only a few particular exceptions. So, for most of the world I am functionally “a man” (even though that is one of the few bits of masculine coded language I don’t gel with), or maybe “a gender non-conforming man” and I am not gonna split hairs about that if we aren’t close. 

But if we’re seriously getting into a chat about gender there’s a lot more to be said. If drawing a diagram of my gender I would say I’m about 55% male, 30% “other”/third gender/maverique/genderqueer/whatever you want to call a gender identity autonomous and seperate from male or female, and 15% nothing/void. And all of that is subject to fluctuate a bit and which parts I might connect with most can be slightly contextual. I am more “a man” than anything else but also pretending to be a binary man is cutting out a significant part. 

12. Do you pass?

Let’s unpack the most Problematique question lol. Just kidding. It is important to acknowledge how “passing” or not effects daily safety/experiences but....god can we not use that word? Can that not be the agreed upon term? The implication that you are otherwise “failing”? The way in which it is incredibly difficult to apply to no-binary people? The way it does not acknowledge the nuances and the way that being read as a certain gender can be conditional? 

I prefer to use the terms “read as” because it allows for more nuanced discussion, does not have moralistic implications, puts the onus on the people viewing - not the individual being viewed and is kinda intuitive to understand.

To answer the question though? For the most part (like maybe 80% of the time) I am read as male. By no means always, and it is conditional on me following a certain level of gender conformity, but for the most part I interact with the world being addressed as a guy. As someone who is very much pre-t it seems that this alone subverts the standard “trans narrative”. Hell I was mostly read as male for a while before I ever came out. I’ve been corrected and laughed at in the women’s bathrooms. I’ve been harassed for gender nonconformity not in spite of but because I was wearing “girl’s” uniform. I have had fellow trans people assume I was a cis man (on more than one occasion) even when I introduced myself by my very much feminine birthname. I have little kids point blank refuse to believe I am “a girl”. I have had strangers confront and correct my mum for addressing me with she/her pronouns (before I was out). I have had kids yell the T slur at me (before I had begun to learn the invisible rules - which to be totally clear are bullshit -that need to be followed in order to be more consistently and unerringly read as male). I’ve been read as male occasionally in contexts where it was impossible for me to be out (near strangers on holiday whilst using birthname, new teachers and students at a school i’d been at since I was 11 and worn “girl’s uniform” until 16, etc).

It’s by no means always though. Which makes the times I don’t difficult and awkward. The technician on my course refers to me with feminine language but none of my tutors. The other day I tried out wearing eye shadow to class and I guy I bumped into later said that he hadn’t recognised me because it made me look like a girl (cringe). etc.

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?

haha i don’t go. I literally haven’t been to the men’s bathroom (apart from once on holiday) but also i get harassed in the women’s/get directed towards the men’s so.....here’s to hoping I don’t get a UTI lads. Literally been in a public loos once since June (not including holiday abroad) and then i nipped into the disabled one during shark week. 

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?

so at the beginning of uni I sort of tried to go stealth to see if I could/if it was comfortable (and by go stealth I mostly mean I just didn’t openly talk about my trans-ness for a while). I didn’t wanna be known as ‘the trans one’ and so i didn’t want to introduce myself with that fact. It fucking sucked would not recommend 0/10. It’s incredibly lonely-making to try and filter your experiences and to not be able to discuss certain issues with anyone irl. 

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

I used to do this thing when I was feeling particularly dysphoric/hopeless where I would draw myself now, and myself in 5 years time. Help construct something to look forward to, and work out what I would sincerely like to wear/express but don’t due to dysphoria. For me I really want to get to a place where I am comfortable in androgyny. I want to grow my hair out without sacrificing being read as male. I want to wear long skirts and crop tops whilst still being read and understood as a guy. I’ve done a lot of self reflection and I don’t think I can get to the place of being comfortable until I have had top surgery and I might also require T (though top surgery is really the necessity for my day to day life). Fingers crossed that will be possible and slightly healed within 5 years but given the NHS it really is not certain. 

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?

T4T is self care. Jk. Honestly probably but that’s not to say a cis person couldn’t be my ideal partner? like at any rate it’s fucking necessary that my partner fully understands/perceives me to not be a woman. They could just be cis and no. 1 ally but in all likeliness they’re probably gonna be trans (particularly given the number trans and/or nb cuties out there)

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

I’m not managing. Send help.

seriously every week I have a break down about how long NHS wait times are.

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?

I’m an art student in Brighton. Yes. 

(Also my sibling Sumner is an NB lesbian, and my childhood best friend Hunter is NB). 

Literally going to be one cis person in my house of six next year. 

[batbloodhoney-blog]

Bringing Up the Bodies

I don’t necessarily have a schedule of when I post a new chapter, I post when I managed to write, which is usually every week. I’m thinking about adding a schedule, sound good? Anyway, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading and liking and commenting, I truly appreciate it! I really enjoy writing this and plan on writing more, just unsure when I’ll start writing one shots, I have a few on my mind at the moment. Okay, enough blah blah blah, here we go!

Chapter Ten: Now Or Never

Simon made his way through the halls of the Sanctuary, a tray of hot food in his hands, heading to the infirmary. He was seeing Naomi again tonight, a bit excited to show what he had learned from constantly reading the ASL books. He was the one to deliver dinner to Naomi, he made it his duty to see her every night, to make sure she was eating and had company.

She’s growing on me like a damn fungus!

Simon tried his hardest to fight his feelings. These odd ever longing feelings. He knew Negan had his own eye on Naomi, and until Negan said otherwise, Simon was going to spend as much time as he could with her.

He pushed there the infirmary doors, surpassing Carson, “She awake?” Simon asked, peaking through the small foggy partition window on the door.

“She’s reading…” Carson mumbled. “I think it’s Farewell To Arms.”

Simon held back a smile, “She need pills tonight?”

“Already took ‘em,” Carson replied, his eyes stayed on his inventory book. “I’m going to check on Davey. Stubborn bastard keeps tugging at his stitches.”

Simon opened Naomi’s recovery room door, leaving Carson behind, and managed to gain Naomi’s attention. His heart fluttered upon seeing her reading, and then when she looked up at him. She looks different, he thought, she cut her hair or somethin’.

“Got you some grub,” Simon said as Naomi waved at him. “You okay?”

Naomi placed a piece of folded paper in the part of the book and gave him a nod. She set the book aside and began to sign: I’m fine, how are you?

Simon knew what she had signed and it excited him, “I understood that! I’m good, I’m learning more from those books.”

Naomi smiled, her hands flowing: That’s wonderful, you’ll be fluent in no time

Simon chuckled and helped her sit up, placing the tray of food on the small table beside the hospital bed. Naomi thanked him once her hands were free; Simon placed the tray on her lap; “Food is still a little soft, wasn’t sure if you could digest anything heavy yet.”

Naomi felt her ears burn, meaning her blood had yet to reach her cheeks. She was blushing, she couldn’t believe Simon had thought of her, making sure she could eat properly and the fact he was learning sign language.

You’re very sweet, thank you, she signed slowly so he could understand.

Simon rolled his eyes, replying, “We just don’t want you gettin’ sick, kiddo. Eat up and let me show you what I’ve learned.”

Giving a nod, Naomi looked down at the tray and saw chicken noodle soup, made fresh with different vegetables chopped small. Naomi ate while Simon began to show her the new words he learned and asked her if he was doing the signs right. Again, she blushed and nodded approvingly upon most of his gestures, showing him tricks and shorter signs.

They were having a nice, quiet moment to themselves, the room was silent, except for Simon’s laughter every other minute. The two enjoyed their lone company until the door opened, loudly, interrupting Simon mimicking the way she spelled his name with her hands. They both looked up at the door, seeing Negan, Lucille propped on his shoulder, with a smirk on his face.

“Well, would you look at this,” he chuckled as he swaggered in, shutting the door behind him. “Did I interrupt a sleepover?”

Simon frowned while Naomi smiled softly; she shook her head and then grabbed her board. Simon stood from his position at the side of her bed, “I came to check up on her.”

“Ain’t this a cute fuckin’ sight,” Negan snickered, propping Lucille down at his side.

As please as he looked, he didn’t feel all that comfortable with the scene. Simon, his right hand, his closest ally was with the little girl they just found, getting close; it made him feel…angry.

Negan managed to get out his head when he spotted Naomi’s whiteboard, with her slick handwriting; Simon is learning ASL to help us communicate better! I’m helping him! Isn’t that great?

He noticed that even her handwriting made his stomach clench; he was jealous now. Angry and jealous. He could feel the warmth of blood rush through his veins, wanting to get upset with them, but he knew, logically, that he had no right or reason to.

Simon watched his boss, seeing the small hint of anger behind his eyes; he could read Negan better than anyone, they’d been friends awhile before the world seemed to end. He knew Negan was angry, he just didn’t understand why; Did I miss something? Did someone get out or hurt?

“It is great,” Negan pulled a small smile together, fooling both Naomi and Simon. “You’ll be un-fuckin’-stoppable, baby doll.”

Warmth gathered at her cheeks, turning her the small apples of them a soft pink; Negan noticed, chuckling, and letting his anger slide; “Aw, someone is gettin’ better! Can’t wait to get ya outside and more color to ya!”

“Uh,” Simon cut in suddenly, still wondering what was wrong, “did I miss something? Did we have a meeting?”

Negan looked at Simon, his lips turning down, “Nope. Not at all, Simon, my boy, just checkin’ on baby doll here and surprised to find you with her.”

All Simon could do was stare at Negan, unsure of what to say. Naomi could tell by his body language that he was nervous, worried and anxious to leave; she frowned at him, and reached out to touch his wrist. He looked down at her, acknowledging her; he bit at his lip when she began to sign; Are you okay?

Simon gave a nod, “I am. I, uh…it’s gettin’ late, you should get some sleep, huh? Tomorrow, if I’m not busy, I’ll take you out and show you were you can walk.”

Naomi grinned, her thin face seemed to brighten up, making Simon and Negan both smile and give small chuckles. Simon reach over and patted her hand, “Sleep well, kid, I’ll see ya tomorrow,” he then looked at Negan. “I’ll be in my room if you need me, sir.”

Negan hummed, watching Simon take her finished tray of food and head out the room. Once they were alone, Negan moved over to where Simon had been sitting, plopping down with a small exhale, Lucille sat across his lap, “How good is he?” He asked suddenly.

Naomi raised a brow, confused. Negan smirked slightly, “With the sign language stuff.”

Naomi held back a laugh and nodded, understanding, and grabbed her board; He’s great, better at reading my hands than signing back

The smile on her face and the joy in her eyes caused his jealousy to simmer away, but only just a bit. He didn’t like feeling possessive over a girl that he hadn’t rightfully claimed as his own, but in his head, she belonged to him. Simon getting too close made him weary, it made him nervous. He wanted to keep Naomi to himself until she was better and he could properly ask her to be his wife; he didn’t want Simon to sweep her up before he could.

None of this made sense to Negan, but it all did in one part of his brain.

“You like 'im?” Negan questioned suddenly.

Naomi shrugged, writing: He’s very kind and sweet, he’s a great friend, just like you and Margo and Sarai are

Friend. Just a friend, he thought happily, relieved.

“So, baby doll, you don’t need Dwight anymore?” Negan smirked slightly.

Naomi shrugged again; she hadn’t seen Dwight since she first arrived.

“He hasn’t been around,” Negan added quietly, “I guess it’ll be okay if Simon can be our interpreter.”

He’s getting better, Naomi had wrote, he’s a godsend!

Negan frowned a bit; the mention of God never sat well with him. He wasn’t the type to get hung up on religion, but the sudden mention of God made his stomach turn.

“Yeah…” he trailed, “Truly sent from heaven.”

Naomi didn’t notice his frown, she quickly wiped her board clean and began to write, Tell Sarai I said thank you again, she did an amazing job.

This made Negan smile, shaking his head, “Oh, yeah, she did,” he leaned over and ran his fingers through her hair, noticing how soft it now was. “You like it?”

She gave a nod, writing; I love it!

His smile never faltered, “It looks good. Do you feel better?”

I do, she wrote, I owe you all a lot!

Negan shook his head, “Don’t think that way, you don’t owe us anything, alright? You’re a part of this community now and you’re one of us. You do your part, follow the rules, you’ll be happy and live.”

Naomi nodded, smiling just faintly.

“I’ll see you in morning,” Negan stood up. “Get more sleep, you’ll have a full day tomorrow, we need you getting stronger. Simon’s right, you should start walking. Think you can do that?”

She nodded, wanting him to see how determined she was to be one of them, even though Negan had already said she was. Naomi wanted to show it, more than she could write it or sign it out to them. From the nightmares she faced, she wanted to be strong, show everyone she wasn’t just a victim. Her predicament reminded her of before the world went to hell, back in school when she had to show everyone she wasn’t just some poor little, disabled girl who didn’t want to talk.

Negan leaned over again, kissing the top of her head, “Sleep well, baby doll. I’ll bring you breakfast.”

Naomi smiled, thanking him. Negan chuckled, nodding to her, knowing what she signed. He shut the large overhead lights off, leaving just the table side light on and shut the door behind him. Naomi let out a small breath, laying back in the hospital bed, turning to her side and reaching for A Farewell to Arms and began to read.

• “We have to do this tonight!” Sherry hissed. “He wants an answer soon, D!”

Dwight, Sherry and Tina all hid away in the hall closet close to the infirmary. The watchmen had done their rounds and Carson had already checked on the patients and went to his room, a few doors down from the infirmary. It was now or never, they needed to grab the medication and food and leave the Sanctuary.

“But…” Dwight sighed, whispering, “I can’t just go in there! That girl is in there!”

“I’ll go with you,” Tina whispered back. “I’ll keep watch while you grab it. Sherry can get the food and meet us near the hole.”

All afternoon and night they had planned this. Their final get away. They had planned awhile back to steal the insulin, they had found a way out behind the greenhouse when Negan interrupted them. This was now or never.

“I can’t,” Sherry whimpered. “I can’t just–”

“Do it,” Tina hissed harshly at her sister, “me and D will be quick! Just go!”

Sherry swallowed and nodded, taking a moment in the dim hallway closet. She took in a deep breath and slipped out, moving as quickly and quietly as she could towards the kitchen.

For a whole month they had written down everyone’s schedule, every minute calculated. Sherry started it once she realized she and Dwight barely made enough points to survive together, so she knew her little sister wouldn’t make it by herself. Tina was getting sicker and Sherry couldn’t take it any longer, she couldn’t watch her sister die, and she didn’t want her sister to be one of Negan’s women.

Tina didn’t like the thought either. She hated to think she’d be used as a sex toy and tossed aside just for medication. The entire deal reminded her of prostitution, and she knew her mother and father would be ashamed of her if she let herself go down that path. She rather steal than be a "whore”.

“Ready?” Dwight whispered to Tina, wondering if she was actually ready. She looked deep in thought, a bit scared and hesitant, but once she looked back at him, she had such determination in her eyes.

“Yes,” Tina nodded quickly.

The pair slipped from the closet, tip toeing towards the infirmary office. Tina went in first, Dwight right behind her; so far they managed to get in quietly, no sound came from their movements. They stopped at the main recovery room, where they could see Naomi asleep on her left side, away from the medicine cabinets.

“I’ll watch her, make sure she doesn’t move,” Tina assured Dwight.

Dwight was having sudden second thoughts. Should we really be doing this? He’ll kill us if he catches us.

“D?” Tina called to him a little louder.

Dwight let his love for his sister-in-law and his wife override his fear of Negan. He gave a nod, “Lets go.”

Tina turned the knob, opening the door slowly, hearing it creak as she inched it open. The sound didn’t wake or stir Naomi, she was in a deep sleep, and even so, she would barely hear the quiet creaks. Her bedside light was still on, her book rested between her fingers on her left side where she had last read.

Once the door was opened, they crept in, pushing the stop down to keep it open, moving towards the right side of the room towards the cabinet. Tina moved back, standing beside Naomi’s hospital bed, praying she wouldn’t wake. Dwight had told her what little he knew about Naomi; she was deaf but could hear just a little. She had been brutalized and could barely walk; Tina wondered if she would need medication too and end up in the same position. Tina had hoped not, she wouldn’t wish this predicament on her worst enemy.

Dwight was struggling to find the medication he had sworn he saw Dr. Carson pull from a certain drawer to give another person insulin. He shuffled as quietly as he could, feeling his body grow anxious and fearful, mentally praying no one would come in. He struggled, searching each drawer until he got to the bottom cabinet and opened it, finding the fresh vials from the fridge in the other room. The vials were the patients who came in early in the morning to get their shot; Dwight hadn’t felt so damn relieved in his entire life.

“Tina,” Dwight called over his shoulder, whispering. “Give me the foil bag!”

Tina pulled the hidden bag from under her shirt and tossed it to Dwight. She felt a smile tug at her lips, feeling excited and happy, knowing it was almost over. Turning towards Dwight, she watched as he stuffed vial after vial and needles into the bag. The foil bag would keep them cool for as long as possible, keep them from turning bad; they weren’t sure how long they would last, but they would last a while.

Dwight and Tina were finished; Dwight closed the cabinet doors and gestured toward the door. As they prepared to leave, the door suddenly shut closed, loud and startling, causing them both to jump. Their eyes grew large, staying still as they waited for something; they knew it was over then, they were screwed.

“Fuck,” Dwight breathed.

Tina held her breath, waiting; that’s when they heard it. Naomi stirring up and letting out a soft sigh. She sat up, rubbing her eyes with her left hand lazily. As she opened her eyes more to see who had come in, she jumped upon seeing two people she didn’t recognize. She recognized Dwight once he turned and faced her; Naomi frowned, her brows furrowed.

Tina crept back towards her, placing a finger to her lips, “Please. Please,” she pleaded.

Naomi raised her hands, gesturing towards Dwight; What’s going on?

Dwight swallowed thickly, gaining her full attention. Before he could reply back, he heard Tina grunt and then a sharp whip, the light shutting off. Dwight gasped, “What the hell?”

“I-I…” Tina couldn’t say anything, dropping the lamp she had struck Naomi in the head with.

The room was dark, but the window to the left of the room let in just a sliver of white lighting from the moon in. Dwight rushed towards Tina’s darkened figure, “What happened?”

“I hit her,” Tina’s voice quivered. “I hit her with the lamp.”

Dwight almost dropped the bag, but knew this was it, their final, last chance. He grabbed Tina’s wrist and pulled her towards the door, not saying a word. He yanked her out of the recovery room, out the infirmary and dragged her down the hall. Tina could barely move, shocked with what she had done; she couldn’t believe she hurt someone…

@negans-network @melodicdolls @dunne31 @haleyea @miiraal @movieholic92 @alyisdead

[afearing]

since apparently theres no consequences for delivering unto this website extremely long and good takes i will present to you my hot take on the ace d'escourse, with no sources because I Dont Feel Like It. its more words than is reasonable bc i have been stewing in this for like 4 years and if i dont type it out at some point im going to fucking lose it. no, literally, it’s 3 pages long in word about shit no one cares about anymore. please remember to like and subscribe.

some background on me, i id’d as ace for something like 8 years, from the first time i read the wikipedia page on it back in maybe 2009 or thereabouts. i also id’d as aro for about a year in 2016. that is to say, i have a lot of compassion and understanding for asexual individuals and feel i understand the inclusionist side of the argument pretty well, as i never questioned inclusionism until maybe 2014 or so, when the discourse blew up. i took some time off tumblr because i was so fucking distraught to think that, as i id’d as aroace at the time, that i had to come to terms with not being lgbt. lol i was a little too attached to being ‘gay’ because... fun fact, past dumbass self... you are gay. anyway, i really dont want anyone to feel that i hate them, but after i cooled off a little bit i realized that the exclusionist take on asexuality just makes more sense. hopefully i can explain why clearly enough.

i really believe that what is understood as aphobia is 100% of the time simply a manifestation of our culture’s expectations surrounding sexuality. while “expectations surrounding sexuality” as a very broad topic does indeed cover both the lgbt community and people on the ace spectrum, facing these issues does NOT make a person lgbt. i subscribe to the idea that lgbt is for people targeted directly by homophobia and transphobia. ace issues ARE super important to talk about and the whole inclus/exclus nonsense is entirely because this discourse has been put under the wrong category. im aware that probably most people will not care that much about my opinion on the correct framing of asexual activism as i no longer id as ace but i think this is important for everyone. sexual expectations also weigh on straight individuals, especially women, and i’m going to describe a few examples to try to demonstrate why i believe both that it doesn’t make sense to consider asexuality lgbt as well as why it does make sense to frame it as an issue based mainly in misogyny.

call out post for myself, i use reddit, and i think the r/childfree community is a good example of what i think the framing should be like. although it’s acknowledged that not wanting children has larger social consequences for women, both men and women talk about their issues in the forum, including horrific accounts of reproductive coercion and rape, the intersections with race/being lgbt/ageism (although they could do a LOT better with intersectionality, many posters do touch upon it), profoundly cruel comments made by those who have/want children, difficulty finding an understanding relationship partner, discrimination at work, misunderstandings and even hatred from family and acquaintances, discrimination in healthcare, etc.

i think you can tell where i’m going with this. even though being childfree cuts against the expectations for sexuality in most societies, even though it leads to unfair judgment from others, and even though they face discrimination on the basis of the way they express their sexuality, childfree people do NOT frame parenthood/childfreedom as an axis of oppression, nor do they claim that their lack of desire for children makes them lgbt. it’s not even a question if straight childfree people are straight, because duh? nor if the presence of lgbt childfree people makes the whole community fall under the lgbt umbrella, because it obviously doesn’t.

to drive the point home, the reason why this is NOT an axis of oppression is because parents face a ton of issues as well! they also face reproductive coercion as well as judgment over the number of kids they have, constant scrutiny and moralization over every aspect of their parenthood style, judgment based on parents’ age/wealth/sexuality/marital or dating status/race, housing and employment discrimination, especially for mothers, the government hating poor parents and cutting their benefits, and more i’m sure i’m not thinking of. again, this is due to societal expectations of sexuality. to complete the analogy, people who aren’t ace face their own set of challenges and discrimination. part of homophobia/biphobia is tinged with hatred of our sexual attraction; no one except for straight white men is allowed to really express their sexuality without backlash, and even then there is this shame leading to a lack of proper sex ed and horribly unhealthy understandings of sexual attraction in a large portion of the populace. so calling aphobia an axis of oppression is just not right. and in addition, the large proportion of lgbt aces doesn’t make asexuality lgbt, that’s not how groups work.

some more on what i mean by ‘expectations around sexuality’... in terms of my experience in the US, there is some blueprint in many people’s minds of what a person should be like in terms of sexuality, and that is something like “cishet, abled man, who is neither ace nor aro, who gets laid regularly (but not to excess) starting no later than 18 and ending no later than 28 when he settles down with one cishet abled wife, also neither ace nor aro, who has only had sex with up to three committed boyfriends, and they have precisely two children, approximately two years apart in age, whom the parents can financially and emotionally support to the utmost, because they are also moderately to very well off, and the parents work under traditional gender roles to raise their children as conventionally as possible.” and if you deviate from this script in ANY way that’s viewed with moral panic and scrutiny by someone. and the connection to misogyny is that women are seen as sort of the bastions of sexual morality. we are punished especially harshly for nonconformity.

if you’re poor you’re fucked because either you don’t have kids or you can’t send them off to private schools and feed them fancy organic shit. if you’re lgbt or polyamorous or aro or ace? fucked! if you dare to reproduce as a disabled person, and if your disability impacts your parenthood, especially for women, you’re practically crucified even in liberal circles. if you have too few kids or too many (don’t you know only kids turn out weird? / how can you possibly raise 5 children properly?), if you have too much sex or too little, if you split up the work in your relationship not along gender lines, if you do unconventional things in your parenthood, like accept your trans kids or move a lot or any number of other things, the social judgment rains down like the fires of fucking hell. meaning practically no one can escape it!! huge bonus to the screaming crowd with pitchforks if you’re a person of color or a woman, mega ultra bonus to women of color.

but does that make everyone i just talked about lgbt? no! although every single one of the groups i mentioned is tangentially related through this issue, even though all of them face a lot of horrible problems and discrimination, that does not make those issues inherently lgbt. again, they are tangentially related and i could see a good case for solidarity among many of the groups mentioned; all of them are fighting for greater acceptance of different kinds of relationships, greater acceptance of seeking happiness and being who you are rather than pressuring everyone to conform as much as possible to the LifeScript. but all of those groups are equally related to the lgbt community - that is, tangentially only. just as you can be childfree and straight, a stay-at-home dad and straight, a straight woman of color, so too can you be polyamorous and straight, ace and straight, or aro and straight.

that’s it for my main point. ace and aro people? your lives are hard. i’m not going to downplay it in any way because i know there are a lot of people who actually hate your guts. fuck, i’ve seen people full-on shittalk asexuality, in the internet and real life, in the most blatant of ways, so it’s not just something you can necessarily escape by logging off. not as much so for aro people tbh but i predict as much once the Public gets more wind of your existence. i fully believe that you face a higher risk of sexual assault; discrimination in relationships, housing, and the workplace; horrible comments from everyone who thinks their shitty opinion on your sexuality and love life matters; and I believe you that that hurts and is terrible and that you deserve a place to discuss and provide support.

but. those issues are not exclusive to you. they’re not exclusive to lgbt people, or oppressed people, and so those issues don’t and cannot make you lgbt, nor do they make ace/aro vs. allo an axis of oppression. our communities intersect, yes, considerably, but you are not a subset of lgbt. perhaps our rhetoric can help you, but because straight ace and aro people exist you cannot and should not consider yourselves lgb+. i think you understand that the issues you face are a form of oppression, but they are the result of the toxic and misogynistic sex culture in this society, which, yes, targets lgbt people but also, practically everyone, including groups which are definitively absolutely not inherently lgbt, such as parents, gnc straight people, poc, disabled people, the list goes on.

to conclude, what really converted me to being an ace exclusionist was the example of a straight grey or demi ace. how could you possibly argue that someone who falls in love with the opposite gender only, but with more conditions or less frequently than someone not aspec, is lgb+, can call themselves queer, etc.? exactly what material reality does that person share with a gay or bi person? i think that their issues fall in line with aspec community issues but extremely clearly not at all with lgbt ones. 

the end but post script since i brought up orientation modifiers: perhaps it isn’t my place to say, but i don’t think that microlabels are very healthy and that it would make more sense for the ace community to work on expanding the idea of what sexuality is than to try to create a label to describe every single person’s experience of their sexuality. not that i think you should necessarily kick grey ace people out of the aspec community or that they’re not valid or whatever, but that perhaps it makes more sense to say that some people experience sexual attraction less frequently, and that’s alright. i don’t know.  i spent sophomore year of high school poring over those mogai blogs looking for some new orientation label that would make me go like, oh my god that’s me! and believing that if those labels helped people feel that way they weren’t doing any harm. but what actually finally made me feel like that was expanding my understanding of what attraction is and a better conception of lesbian issues and why i might feel so disconnected from my sexuality and why i might be obsessing over every interaction with a guy looking for signs i was attracted to him but feel super disgusted whenever they exhibited interest in me. i spent so long trying to go like maybe im cupioromantic lithsexual and feeling terrified that that i had such a weird and esoteric sexuality that no one could ever possibly understand enough to be in a relationship with me... like, ok dyke! i know a lot of people have had similar experiences and i don’t think i know a whole ton of people now in college who are still doing that, which makes me think those labels are more harmful than not. 

i guess that’s anecdotal but it’s easier for me to believe that a person could cling to those labels due to internalized homophobia than actually have a new form of sexuality heretofore undiscovered throughout all human history, but that’s just me. and so many of them just sound so unhealthy, like dreadsexual. i really wish people would work on expanding what not being asexual can mean and look like and i dont think there would be this drive to create these labels anymore. even demisexual which i think is probably the most mainstream conditional orientation, i think many people who have never heard of it and are perfectly content not to would describe the way they experience sexuality a similar way and just consider it normal. sexual attraction isn’t necessarily having your nethers set aflame upon first making eye contact with someone, it looks different for every person and it’s alright to just be how you are without making it part of your whole identity.

The End II. this is 2,200 words. if you read this far you’re a fucking mad l- *the academy cuts my mic line while looking directly at the camera like in the office*