#like even if shit gets found out. LEAVE IT BURIED. DON���T DISCUSS IT. THEY DID NOT SHARE THIS INFORMATION W US WILLINGLY

[cinaja]

Before the Wall - part 15

An acotar fanfic on the time of the War. For the summary and the entire story, click here

Disclaimer: The world and the characters belong to sarah j maas

TW: Suicide (not explicit)

----

There was no keeping what happened during the battle secret. Not when every healer saw Miryam run off and the Illyrians are, apparently, able to sense witches and have been close to revolt ever since they found out that one of the camp`s commanders is one.

Jurian feels horrible. He is well aware that this situation is almost entirely his fault. Miryam‘s most closely guarded secret is secret no longer. And she could have died. All because he pushed her.  (Although if he is entirely honest, a part of him is also glad that it went this way. At least Miryam stopped hiding from her own power and can perhaps begin to use it properly. He doesn`t dwell on these thoughts too long, though, because they always make him feel like a prick.)

It is a good thing that the post-battle clean-up keeps Jurian extremely busy. That way, at least, he has reason to stay away from Miryam without having to admit to himself that he is too ashamed to face her. Instead, he gets into a fight with three Illyrians for hissing insults at her and sentences ten of his own soldiers to guard duty when he overhears them wondering if they want a half-Fae witch in their midst.

But - and this is the true surprise - the people hissing insults are outnumbered by far by those who seem awed by the news. He overheard more than one of them whispering of a blessing, a gift from the gods. It`s better than the others, but still somehow unsettling. 

„Jurian.“

He turns around to face Tia, who is running towards him, waving a letter.

„This just arrived from the Alliance“, she says.

„For me?“

„And Miryam.“ Tia winks at him. “But I thought I‘d deliver it to you and have you tell her.“ Jurian takes a face at her. Tia grins. „What? I didn`t watch you dance around each other for months only for you to bolt because you messed up once.“

Jurian snatches the letter out of her hand. He inspects the sear, then rips it open and scans the content. He curses softly. Now he is really going to have to talk to Miryam. He doubts it will be a pleasant conversation, though.

„I have to go“, Jurian says.

„Have fun!“, Tia calls after him.

Jurian makes a rather rude gesture over his shoulder. Miryam, fortunately, seems to be in her tent, saving him from having to search the entire camp for her. He hesitates for a moment before entering. There are voices coming from the inside.

“-will cover that order”, Miryam is saying, “With the battle, no one will even question it.”

“So we`re out of trouble?”, Mor asks, sounding relieved.

“Which”, Mor`s cousin cuts in, “is sheer dumb luck, Mor.”

“Oh, shut up!”

Jurian has to admit, he`s curious. He`d love to remain standing before the entrance, but he has already crossed one line lately. Eavesdropping on a private conversation (especially with lots of Fae who are likely to catch him) doesn`t seem like the smartest move. Besides, he has news to deliver.

Everyone turns to Jurian as he enters. Mor and her cousin exchange a look.

“We were just leaving”, Mor says.

She takes her cousin by the arm and shoves him out of the tent. Miryam smiles wryly, Jurian shakes his head.

“Do they think”, he asks, “that we don`t notice what they are doing?”

“Oh, I´m sure they just don`t care.”

Jurian grins, but sobers quickly. “About the camp talk…”, he begins, but is unsure about how to continue.

Miryam`s face tightens. “Don`t worry about it”, she says, “I always knew it would happen. Honestly, I`m surprised they aren`t calling for my head.”

Jurian clenches and unclenches his fingers. He`s already trying to come up with a way to shut down the talk, no matter what Miryam says. He knows, though, that this will be damn near impossible once the news pass beyond their camp, which is bound to happen anytime now.

“You should be angry with me”, he says.

“Maybe. But I`m not.” Jurian is about to reply, but she shakes her head. “Can we just drop it? Please?”

Jurian sighs and holds up the letter. “They set the time for the meeting.”

He didn`t think that Miryam could grow any tenser, but she does. “When?”

“Tomorrow.”

“What?” Now, Miryam is staring at him with wide eyes, like she is searching for a hint of a lie. Unfortunately, Jurian is telling the truth.

“At least by then, news of your abilities likely won`t have broken yet.” It`s a piss-poor attempt at comforting her, but he really can`t think of anything else.

“She`ll be there”, Miryam says softly.

Carefully, Jurian reaches out for her hand. “You won`t be alone”, he says, “I`ll be with you and it will be fine.”

Miryam nods, but the look in her eyes tells her that she sees straight through his empty words. Because Jurian may be going with her to the meeting, but he is no politician. During the discussions, she will be on her own.

----

Drakon is not having a pleasant day. He thought it couldn`t get much worse after the nightmare of a meeting he had this morning with Sinna and the commander of the unit the Alliance sent to replace them. They are from Prythian, with membranous bat-like wings. So far, Drakon‘s experiences with their new allies have been... difficult. In their meeting, the Illyrian leader kept sneering at Drakon and calling him boy – which was still polite compared to how he treated Sinna. Unsurprisingly enough, the meeting ended with the Illyrian`s nose broken and Drakon having to keep Sinna from killing the male.

In the two hours since the meeting ended, he was already called in to break up three fights between his soldiers and the new ones. (Sinna seems more inclined to start fights than to stop them these days, so he is stuck playing peacemaker.)

This round through the camp seems to be going better than the last one, though. It looks like the soldiers learned to stay out of each other`s way at last. Besides, Drakon and his soldiers will be leaving tomorrow so the tentative peace won`t have to last long, anyways.

Drakon reaches the waste disposal area. It seems like the now soldiers are already digging new latrines. Drakon looks into the hole in construction and is surprised to find only one soldier working inside.

“Where are the others?”, he asks, “Surely you aren`t supposed to dig the latrine all on you own?”

The soldier puts down his shovel and gives Drakon a wild grin. “Oh, I`m more than enough for one such hole.”

He seems far more pleasant than the other Illyrians Drakon met so far. Younger, too, which is somewhat refreshing. (These days, Drakon is usually surrounded by people at least a hundred years his senior.)

“Want me to help you?”, Drakon offers, “Otherwise, you`ll be busy until past midnight.”

“You volunteer to spent your afternoon digging through hard dirt?” The Illyrian laughs. “Well, I can`t save you from yourself, then.”

Drakon takes that as a yes. He grabs a shovel that is lying next to the hole and jumps down. From there, he gets a better view of the male. There are seven red stones – syphons? – glinting on his armour. From what Drakon gathered, the amount of stones is usually related to a person`s rank.

„What did you do“, he asks, „to end up in this shithole?“

The male snorts at the pun. „Was born a bastard.“ He shrugs, grinning, „And mouthed off to Lord Devlon about getting his nose broken by a female.“

Drakon frowns. „If you knew half of the females I‘ve met, you wouldn‘t be surprised.“

The Illyrian laughs. „Oh, I know my fair share of scary females, too, so I wasn‘t surprised. But for Devlon, getting pummelled by a female is a new experience for him. Almost a pity you guys are leaving - maybe someone would be able to beat some sense into that thick head of his.“

„Well, as someone who has been stuck here for months, I`m looking forward to leaving.” Drakon thinks back to the look on Lord Devlon`s face after Sinna punched him and adds, “Although watching Sinna break that guy‘s nose might have been worth staying a while longer.“

“On first name basis with your general.“ The Illyrian whistles softly and throws a shovel of dirt out of the latrine. “You‘re highborn, aren‘t you?“

Drakon nods, unwilling to say any more on it. Maybe it‘s stupid, but it is freeing to be a normal person for once, instead of the Prince of Erithia. Like he isn‘t responsible for thousands of lives. The Illyrian seems to consider his answer for a moment, then nods.

„Where were you stationed before this?“, Drakon asks, happy to steer the conversation into a different direction.

„Further south.“ He wrinkles his nose. „Fighting these Black Land bastards. Fire magic really is no fun. You?“

„I‘ve been stuck here.“ Well, except for his brief visits to the other parts of the army and Erithia. „But we‘re leaving due north tomorrow. I can‘t say I‘m sorry to be leaving this place.“

The Illyrian laughs. „Oh, I can imagine. I‘ve been here for a day and already want to leave. It‘s-“ A bucket full of dirt hits him square in the face, cutting him off. Drakon spins around to the source of the attack.

„Hey, bastard!“, a voice shouts from above. Three Illyrians are standing at the edge of the latrine. „Enjoying eating dirt?“

Drakon frowns up at them. „Leave him be.“

„What is it to you?“, one of the Illyrians asks.

He kicks a bunch of dirt into the pit, but it bounces off harmlessly on the shield Drakon set up. For a second, he is sorely tempted to let the dirt they shovelled out of the pit in the last hours bury the soldiers under them. Unfortunately, getting into a fight with your allies is not a very prince-like thing to do. (Bad enough if Sinna does it.)

So instead, he does the mature thing and says, „I generally do not permit soldiers in my camp to provoke fights. So if you aren‘t here to help, I‘d suggest you leave.“

„Your camp?“, one of the soldiers snorts. “Sure. That`s why you`re digging around in the dirt.”

Drakon really doesn`t like most Illyrians, he decides. “Well, someone needs to dig the latrine, unless you`d prefer to take a shit in the middle of the camp”, he says, “And I`d not be a very good commander if I asked my soldiers to do something I`m not ready to do myself, would I?”

The soldiers exchange looks. Drakon is pretty sure that none of their leaders ever bothered with such undignified tasks. But they seem unwilling to risk a punishment, so they leave with barely any complaint.

Drakon turns back to his companion, who is watching him with raised eyebrows.

“You`re Prince Drakon of Erithia?”, he asks.

“Would you believe me if you said I`m not?”

The Illyrian laughs. “No.” He picks his shovel back up. “Well then, Your Highness. Better get back to work.”

----

Miryam barely recognizes herself in the mirror. If she thought she was dressed up for previous meetings, it is nothing compared to this. 

The dress was a gift by the Grand Duke of Sangravah. It is all flowing silk, midnight black yet shimmering in the light. Around the hems, there are silver embroideries. With it came a necklace of diamonds glowing like stars and a diadem.

It makes Miryam look less like a girl of nineteen and more like a grown female. More than that. It makes her look like she belongs with these royals. An impression that couldn`t be more wrong.

From where he is sitting on her desk, Kiel lets out a shriek and puffs up his feathers. Miryam turns around to the bird.

“You`re wondering what I`m doing, aren`t you?”, she whispers, “Well, I don`t know either.”

Before she can change her mind and bolt as her entire body is screaming at her to, she steps out of the tent and into the camp. A bunch of passing soldiers stop short to stare at her. Jurian stops speaking in what appeared to be the middle of a conversation with Tia. Miryam blushes.

A few soldiers begin whispering amongst each other. “Witch”, Miryam hears, and “Gods-blessed”. She doesn`t know which word she loathes more. Before this can go any further, she steps towards Jurian. She doesn`t miss Tia giving him a nudge and Jurian quickly snapping back to attention.

“Let`s go”, Miryam says quietly.

Mor is tasked with winnowing them to the meeting place, although she herself is not invited to participate. She holds out her hand to Miryam.

“You look stunning”, she says, “Go show those pricks their place.”

Miryam manages a shaky smile, then Mor winnows them away. When they reappear, Mor only gives her hand a quick squeeze before she vanishes again, leaving Miryam and Jurian on their own.

The meeting is held in the Continent‘s neutral meeting space - a palace that was built by some long-ago king in the middle of a huge lake. It has been long since abandoned and after the three bordering territories spent centuries fighting over the island, it has been declared neutral ground.

The guards waiting at the gate belong to every territory, but it has been chosen that Alliance members are searched by Loyalist guards and vice versa. Miryam hands her dagger to a guard and then tries to keep a neutral look on her face as the guard begins searching her, hands lingering a bit too long for comfort. Next to her, Jurian looks like he considers punching the guard searching him. (Miryam wonders if it was perhaps a mistake to bring him along.)

But then, they are through the control. A far more friendly-looking guard points them to a glittering crystal bowl standing just before the entrance. Miryam takes a knife lying next to is and presses it agains ther palm lightly. A drop of blood wells up and falls into the bowl.

„I swear that while I am on these grounds, to do no harm to anyone here, not by action or intention. I swear it on my life and on my blood.“

The blood in the bowl turns to blinding light. Rays of it shoot up into the air and merge with the wards that encircle the palace. They are more complicated than any Miryam has ever seen. Far too complicated for her to ever understand. But when Miryam steps forward, the wards move aside to allow her through. A step behind her, Jurian whistles softly as they step into the foyer.

„Well, this is certainly impressive“, he mutters, looking up at the high ceiling and the ornate admonishments. Miryam nods, although she can‘t say she is overly impressed. Unlike Jurian, she has seen her fair share of Fae architecture and while she can usually still appreciate its beauty, today, the thrill is lost on her.

She barely spares her surroundings more than a glance and instead focuses on the assembled Fae. Her eyes scan the room with practiced ease, but the Black Land‘s delegation is not there yet. (A brief reprieve, Miryam knows. Still, she can‘t help feeling relieved.) There are other familiar faces, though.

Miryam knows most leaders of the Continent‘s bogger territories at least by sight. She recognises the Xian empress, dark-haired and light-skinned. She is deep in conversation with the Raskan king. Further off, she spots the current leader of Montesere‘s High Council, who is glowering at Jurian.

He isn‘t the only royal to spot their arrival. Quite a few turn and stare, some snarling, others seeming more curious than angry. Miryam lifts her chin and loops her arm through Jurian‘s. At the end of the room, she spots some of the other Alliance delegates and makes to lead Jurian towards them.

But before they are even halfway across the room, two females step into their pass. Jurian stiffens immediately. It takes Miryam a few seconds longer than him to recognize them. It‘s the red hair that makes the memory stir at the end - something she remarked already during the battle  two days ago.

„Look at that“, one of the females drawls. She is the less beautiful one of the two, but somehow more terrifying. Not that it fazes Miryam much - even General Amarantha of Hybern could never even come close to Ravenia. „Two dirty little humans“, the General continues, „thinking they can hold up with their betters.“

Her mouth curles into a smile. Miryam‘s every instinct shouts at her to run at this smile. Or at the very least to lower her head, bow quickly. Make herself invisible. Instead, she squares her shoulder and smiles back.

„And here I was, thinking we were here because you had trouble holding up with us.“

Jurian rasps a laugh. „It certainly looked like it during our battle two days ago.“

Now, that is a blatant lie. They would have gotten their asses kicked if the Hybern soldiers hadn‘t run when that witch`s spell failed. The moment of surprise really did save them. Miryam doubts it will work a second time, though.

Still, the second female. -Clythia, Amarantha‘s younger sister, more beautiful but just as cruel - now watches Jurian with interest. There is an intensity in her gaze that makes Miryam bristle.

„So you are the General who pushed our armies back?“, she asks, „An impressive feat.“ Amarantha scoffs and Clythia pats her arm without tearing her gaze away from Jurian. „You must be a fine General.“

„Now, now. It‘s hardly skill “, Amarantha says, „unless you now count having a way to repel our spells as a feat of the commander.“

Miryam has to remind herself to keep breathing normally. She knows that her secret will be out within a few days, but for the span of this meeting, she`d prefer to keep it.

Clythia steps towards Jurian in a fluid motion. His hand darts for his belt, he, too, had to surrender his weapons. Clythia whispers something to him, to low for Miryam to hear. Then, she lets go and steps back. Amarantha is frowning, she grabs her sister by the arm and whispers furiously to her as she leads her away.

Miryam turns to Jurian. „What did she say to you?“

Jurian presses his lips together, his hands are clenching and unclenching. „That we‘d meet again. She said our lives are intertwined.“

Behind them, a laugh sounds and Helion steps up between them. „That‘s seers to you - always saying things to mess up your lives.“ He claps Jurian on the back. „Don‘t let it get to you.“ He grins at Miryam. „You look absolutely stunning.“

Miryam forces a smile, but still can‘t shake what Clythia told Jurian. She may not know much about seers, but even she knows that only a fool takes their words lightly. She wishes she could talk to Jurian in private, but then, the rest of their delegation is standing around them now and Miryam is busy greeting all of them, discussing strategies and playing confident leader. (What was she thinking, agreeing to lead this delegation?)

Finally, the clock chimes twelve and everyone files into a huge meeting room. Miryam, as leader of the Alliance delegation, takes the seat at the head of the table. The chair opposite her remains empty. Ravenia still isn‘t there. Miryam isn‘t surprised - she accompanied the female to enough meetings to know that she loves to flaunt her power by turning up late. By making everyone wait for her.

A few of the Loyalists look annoyed at having to wait, too, but when Miryam suggests to start the meeting early, none of them agree. They are all too scared of Ravenia to risk angering her by starting without her. So they sit in silence as the minutes tick by. Miryam feels her nerves beginning to fray. Next to her, Jurian is tapping his fingers on the table.

After half an hour, the door opens and Ravenia enters. The queen of the Black Land looks radiant, dressed in a white cloth so light she seems to glow, gold jewellery glinting in the light. Her gaze sweeps over the room with the disinterest of a female who knows that she is on top of the world and everyone is so far beneath her that she can barely see them. She is flanked by two advisors. And, behind her, three human slaves follow. Children, like all of her personal slaves. Miryam tenses. Next to her, Jurian hisses softly.

Ravenia takes her place and her eyes finally find Miryam. Her eyebrows lift ever so slightly, the only sign of her surprise.

„That belongs to me“, she says and jerks her chin towards Miryam.

Murmuring rises aroung the table. Miryam wants to reply something, but words escape her. All she sees is Ravenia at the other side of the table, her slaves standing behind her. She can‘t push the memories back. It`s like it is her standing next to Ravenia instead of these slaves. All that pain and fear and suffering. What was she thinking, coming here like she stood a chance against the female before her?

„She belongs to no one but herself“, Jurian says.

Miryam wants to shoot him a grateful look, but she can‘t tear her eyes away from Ravenia. She feels like if she does, she won‘t be able to hold it together anymore. She will just fall apart into a million broken pieces.

Ravenia smiles at her like she knows exactly what Miryam is going through. „That‘s not true, now, is it, Miryam? You may fool them all into thinking you their equal, but in the end, You‘ll always belong to me.“

Miryam just holds her stare. She prays that people will interpret it as defiance and not understand that she couldn’t speak if she wanted to.

The Xian empress saves her from thinking of something to say. „Could we get on with it, then?”, she asks, ��No one cares about your runaway slaves and we are already late.“

There is an edge to her voice. The Loyalists may be allies, but that doesn‘t mean that they wouldn‘t throw each other to the wolves at a moment‘s notice if it benefited them. That‘s an advantage, but Miryam still can‘t find the words to take it.

The meeting is a nightmare. Miryam does her best to stir the conversation, but her words feel stiff and unwieldy. She is way out of her depth among these royals, all of whom don‘t seem inclined at all to go easy on her. On a good day, she might still have been able to stand her ground. But not today, not here. Because standing before these people, she isn‘t the emissary of the entire Alliance anymore - she‘s just a slave girl, alone in a room full of Fae.

The conversation spirals out of control far too quickly. Her allies have begun shooting Miryam questioning looks, but she can‘t do anything against it. They are losing, and losing badly. By now, some of the Alliance members look like they are inclined to agree with what the Loyalists are saying – promises of peace, of new trading deals and prosperity for all. If only the war ended. Utter rubbish, but some of the Fae seem to believe it.

„It isn‘t that we are fighting for slavery“, Ravenia says, „We are fighting for our freedom. Our freedom to choose how to run our countries. None of us wish to force you to start owning slaves, but we want to keep our property and our way of living.“

There are murmurs of agreement. To Miryam‘s horror, some come from Alliance members.

„What you call freedom“, she says, fighting to keep her voice even, „includes the enslavement of thousands of people. Your way of living destroys thousands of lives and what you call property are living, feeling beings.“

But it isn‘t enough. The words lack the punch they would need to draw the audience back on her side. Ravenia smiles and Miryam shrinks back in her seat. Jurian puts a hand on her arm and she only barely manages not to flinch.

That is when one of Ravenia‘s slaves moves. She lifts her head and takes a step forward.

„We are not property“, she says, staring at Ravenia, “You can beat us and chain us up and kill us, but you will never truly own us.”

Then, faster than any of them can react, she draws a knife from under her thin clothes. At first, Miryam thinks that she is going to attack Ravenia. But the girl just looks at Miryam. For a moment, their gazes lock. Then, she turns the knife towards her own chest and plunges it down.

„No!“

Miryam jumps to her feet, but the girl is already collapsing. Without thinking, Miryam rushes around the table and falls to her knees next to the girl. She knows that she is too late, but she still presses her hands on the bleeding wound on the girl‘s chest.

She is only a few years younger than Miryam, with the same curly dark hair and brown skin. Had things gone a bit differently, this could have been her.

„Please“, the girl whispers, her voice barely more than a breath. Miryam doesn`t know what she is begging for and the girl never gets a chance to say it. She doesn`t even get another word out before she dies.

Still, Miryam remains kneeling on the ground. There is blood on her hands, blood on her dress, but she can‘t tear her eyes away from the girl.  

„Could we get on with it, then?“, Ravenia asks.

Like there isn‘t a dead child lying on the floor. Like this girl‘s life was nothing. And suddenly, Miryam isn‘t scared anymore. She is angry.

„You will never win“, she whispers.

„What?��

„I said“, Miryam says and lifts her head, „you will never win.“

Slowly, she stands up and turns around to face Ravenia. For the first time, she meets the queen‘s gaze without fear.

„Because we will never stop. Even if you win this war, even if you kill us all, you won‘t win. Because you create your own downfall.“ Miryam pints a bloody hand towards the dead girl. „You take everything from people until they have nothing left to lose. And as long as there is a single slave left, there will never be peace.“

„You seem to think“, Ravenia says, „that we would hesitate to kill every human in our territories should it become necessary.“

„You can‘t.“ Miryam shakes her head. „Humans are the ones who build your palaces and houses. The ones who grow your food and serve it. For all your power, you are nothing without us. And in the end, that‘s what you will be in the end: Nothing.“

The entire room is silent now.

Miryam says, „You are all doomed. Every territory that owns slaves is walking towards its downfall. Maybe you will win this war, maybe you will survive. But you are still doomed. Even if it takes centuries, in the end, you will lose.“

She turns back to Ravenia and takes a step towards her until she is standing directly in front of her.

„But you“, she says, „you will not survive this war. They say you create your own doom and it will be my pleasure to be yours. I will destroy you. When this is all over, there will never be slaves again in the Black Land.“ She dares a glance towards her allies on the other side of the table before she turns back to Ravenia. „And if no one will stand with me, I will do it alone. If it is necessary, I will march into your capital on my own and personally free every single man, woman and child you deem property. I will tear down the palaces you paid for with my people‘s blood with my bare hands and when you stand in the ruins and your land is burning around you, you will remember this moment and the fact that you have no one but yourself to blame.“

For a moment, something like worry flickers in Ravenia‘s dark eyes. But then, she tips her head back and laughs. A few of her allies join in.

„I‘m a queen“, Ravenia says, „and you are nothing. Just a human worm. And you think you can destroy me?“ She laughs again. „Go ahead, then. I‘d like to see you try.“

Miryam stares her down. And for the first time, she releases the hold she has on her magic. She doesn‘t let it do anything, just flow through the air. A few people gasp, but Miryam sees nothing but Ravenia.

In a voice she barely recognizes, she says, „I‘d like to see you stop me.“

This time, no one laughs. They just stare. Miryam holds the queen‘s gaze a moment longer. Then, she turns away.

„Unless you free your slaves, there will never be peace“, she says, „As far as I‘m concerned, there is nothing else to say.“ Miryam pulls open the door. “This meeting is over.”

For a heartbeat, she thinks that the others won‘t follow. But then, Jurian rises. The rest of the Alliance members get to their feet as well. As one, they leave the meeting.

----

Tags: @sjm-things

[singeramg]

Midnight: Chapter 9

Pairing: Clark Kent- Superman/ Metahuman! Black! OFC

Story Rating: M

Warnings: Overall this is a slow burn story with Angst all throughout. This particular chapter has brief mention of smut, plenty of aforementioned Angst.

A/n: Welcome back everyone! I have loved all the support this has been getting and I swear I am working diligently on the next chapter. Enjoy this one...

CATCH UP HERE!

Midnight: Chapter 9

  “You gave him my middle name” 

Clark is standing in front of me and his emotions blend together so fluidly I can’t tell them apart to get a grasp on what he is feeling.

 “Yes. He could not share your last name, so I gave him something he could share with you.”

 “You wanted no one to know he was my son. Not even him.”

His voice is calmer than I ever could have anticipated it would be. Then again I never expected this to happen. 

 “Nobody could. It was too dangerous, I couldn’t risk it, and to be honest Clark who would believe that he was your child.”

Clark looks away, unable to make eye contact for a moment because he knew I was right.

 “Even now you still believe its dangerous don’t you?”

 “Clark I just...”

 “You weren’t even going to tell me were you?” He asked me, clearly irritated.

 “You want the nice version or the rude one?”

I ask heading over to the nearby chair and away from him. 

 “I just want the truth Gia.” For once Clark Kent sounds exhausted. Honestly I was too, I didn’t expect any of this when I started my day this morning. It seemed like it had been going on forever. 

 “The truth was and still is that a long time ago the man I thought would never abandon me did.”

   “Gia...”

  “Wait Clark let me finish. You abandoned me. Then you died Kal-El. You died and left me here by myself. Even though you left me, Kalen was the only part of you I had left. I had to protect that.”

Clark felt extreme amounts of pain and grief.

  “You did it alone when you didn’t have to.”

I laughed incredulously, bless his heart but he didn’t understand.

  “Clark do you understand the Hell that would have broken loose if I showed up on Mrs. Kent’s doorstep with your baby?”

He gives me a nervous smirk.

  “I’d imagine she’d give you hell for calling her Mrs. Kent.”

  “Not funny.”

   “I’m doing my best not the flip out right now. Less than 20 minutes ago my son that you failed to tell me about ran into the room and you can’t even look me in my eye and admit that you weren’t going to say anything!”

“I WASN’T GOING TO TELL YOU!”

Clark’s face falls and clearly he’s hurt.

  “You wanted the truth there it is. The other side of that truth is that I had changed my mind. Forget that you’ve not been awake a full 24 hours yet and this is not just something you shout out. This is why I wanted to talk to you alone when you arrived. My son...”

 “Our son.”

I ignored the flutter of my heart at hearing him claim Kalen. The flutters reminded me of a time when all he had to do was be in the same general vicinity for me to feel them. I pushed it back down, I no longer have the time for these feelings.

  “Am I to believe you were actually going to tell me? Excuse me if I’m not apt to believe that, considering you have been doing your best to push me away.”

 “Believe me or not Kal. You are going to believe whatever you want. At the end of the day I have done everything in my power to keep MY son safe. I’ll be damned if I apologize for keeping the child that I pushed out of my body safe. You Kal-El slash Clark Kent slash asshole can go fuck yourself.”

Surprisingly he starts laughing at me.

 “The fuck is so funny?”

 “You only break out my Kryptoian name when you are pissed at me.”

If he only knew how pissed I was, he wouldn’t be making fun of me.

  “You can stop laughing Clark. This shit ain’t funny. Do you understand what people will think given his age? What those on this team have already thought? Let me give you a hint. They think I’m a dirty hoe or did you forget about the fact that nobody knows the timeline about how this happened? How I could call myself Lois’ friend? How do you think she will respond once she finds out you have a child with someone that’s not her?”

  “But Gia we did not cheat together.”

 “I know that, you know that. Nobody else does! To the world you were and still are Clark Kent and Lois Lane the Daily Planet power couple and me I was the lowly barista who slept with you. A dirty whore.”

 “Don’t CALL YOURSELF THAT!”

I scoffed at his anger. 

 “Why not Clark? That exactly what you reduced me to. Me. I can live with you walking out my life. I made peace with losing you. It’s always been her over me, and that’s the card I have been dealt. What I won’t do however is watch you come into his life and then leave again to save face after she and the world tells you it’s wrong.”

  “What makes you think I would leave our son behind? I care less of what the world thinks of me.”

  “It’s not the world I worry for anymore Kal. It’s the people that you love I worry about. I won’t let you break his heart.”

Clark looks at me, his anger radiating from him, as his chest puffs out and walks closer to me.

  “WHY DO YOU BELIEVE I WOULD ABANDON MY SON?!”

  “BECAUSE YOU ABANDONED ME! You are capable of breaking hearts because YOU BROKE MINE!”

Realization dawns on him and he tries to move closer to me. I toss up the strongest shield I am capable of. Clark can’t  get through, and just holds his hand against the invisible barrier. His forehead drops against it. 

  “Let me in Gia. Please.”

I hadn’t even realized the tears had come back. I shook my head no.

  “I can’t Clark. Besides this is no longer about us. It’s about Kalen. Now your son is waiting for you to read him a bedtime story. I am going to bed, goodnight.”

  “Gia...please just talk to me...”

  “We can discuss telling Kalen about you in the morning. Goodnight Clark.”

I walked away, the shield still holding strong. Thankfully he didn’t follow as I locked myself in my room.

Once inside memories I had long sense suppressed came to the surface.

*Flashback* Nearly four years ago

I woke up slightly disoriented. The only thing that I knew for certain was the soreness in between my legs. As I adjusted to the light streaming in my newly acquired solo apartment, I rolled on my back, my nudity covered by my beige sheets, the comforter sprawled across my floor. The night's events came rushing back to me all at once. The memories of feeling Clark’s hands on me, roaming the expanse of my body, the feeling of his strong, hard body in between my legs,  the cries of my multiple climaxes as my nails ran down his muscled back.

I spent the night with Clark.

I was still trying to wrap my head around what had happened, but I still also wanted to live in this moment. Reminiscing on how wonderful it had been to lay with him. 

Thinking of him made me wonder where the man himself had gone? My bed was cold enough to indicate he had been gone for a while, at least not in bed with me.

 “Clark?”

I called out softly, knowing if he was nearby he would hear me. I heard no response nor did he appear. I looked around the bedroom, taking note that my clothes were still scattered while his were gone. 

‘No big deal, he was Superman he couldn’t exactly wait until I woke up to go save the world.’

With that in mind I got up to take a hot shower once out I spent the day floating in a cloud until it got later and later in the day and he hadn’t reappeared. Then the next day when he wouldn’t call or text me back letting one week went by as I became steadily more depressed. I wasn’t sure what was wrong? Had I been that trash in bed that he had to ghost me? I mean even if it wasn’t as good for him as it had been for me, I mean we could work on that, what was burning me up was that at the bottom of it all was that we were better than this. I thought he was better than this.  It was almost a week to the hour since Clark and I had fallen into bed, and I had just finished watching Love and Basketball, wiping stray tears away. I had blown through my snacks and I needed more before I started watching Love Jones. I decided to make a run to the store. 

Donned in yoga pants, an old t-shirt and a men’s hoodie that I fell in love with from the Goodwill , I walked to the store. My apartment wasn’t far from the coffee shop where I worked along with a bunch of other cute little shops. I found my convenience store. Settling for the chocolate brownie Ben and Jerry’s along with Gummy Bears and chips. I headed back to my apartment, looking down at my phone, scrolling Instagram, when a shop door opens in front of me. The guys coming out of the bike shop apologize but I don’t care because upon looking up I see Clark spinning Lois in his arms, her head tipped back in a laugh as her red delicately curled  hair swung around. 

My breath catches in my chest as he leans down and kisses her soundly on the lips. 

I almost dropped my bag. I literally feel my heart break, I think Clark must hear it break because he looks up spotting my face from the under the hoodie. His guilt hits me full force furthermore confirming what I am seeing,  but it gets buried under my emotions. 

I back away from where they are coming toward me, finding an alleyway. He can’t follow me without looking suspicious to Lois. I jump from building to building, sliding down the fire escape and into my hallway, where I let myself into my apartment and tried to block out the rage and pain I felt, cutting on my movie as I intended before I left. Shutting down was the only thing I knew how to do properly.

*3 hours later*

I fell asleep on the couch, my package of Lorna Doone cookies sitting open on the coffee table, I almost screamed upon seeing a darkened figure standing in the corner of my room. It was only the familiar scent that calmed me, then pissed me off.

 “What in the fuck are you doing here?”

Clark came out of the corner of my living room and I waved my hand, the lights coming on in the apartment. Dressed in the same blue plaid shirt and Henley, with jeans I saw him in earlier with...her.

  “Well I’ve been trying to call you for two hours and when you didn’t answer I got nervous. So I came over.”

I glared at him. 

  “So let me get this straight. You, Kal-El have sex with me over, how many days ago...what is it now, like 7 days and then ghost me. No explanation or anything, and in the middle of your ghosting, you  run into me. Then let me guess, you decide you need a booty call from the side chick, call me and when I don’t jump when you say jump , NOW you get nervous. “

I scoff and say

 “Pfft, Clark I think you should go.”

 “Gia. I owe you an apology. I never meant to hurt you. It wasn’t supposed to go that far.”

 “Good to know you didn’t plan to break my back and then leave.” I scoff with an eye roll.

  “I’m serious Gia. I am sorry. I got so caught up and then Lois came back into town the next day wanting to work it out. She and I have been through too much to leave it on the table.”

  “But you will sacrifice my feelings though.”

  “It’s not like that. I care about you Gia, so so much. I haven’t called because to be honest, I look at you and see how this will hurt you and Lois. I came to tell you that I think it’s best if we don’t see each other. At least for right now, just until Lois and I can get settled.”

I was crushed, the man I loved was the one breaking my heart. 

  “You will never be settled if you lie to her.”

  “I will tell her eventually, Gia it’s just temporary.”

I glared at him, and walked into my kitchen. Clark watched as I drank a glass of water. I gave myself a minute to compose, then said some of the hardest words to come out of my mouth.

  “No it’s not temporary.” I sigh 

  “Yes, yes it is Gia. Besides you deserve to have a chance to live your life. You have been wrapped up in my Superhero business since I rescued you. You deserve to enjoy the life you clawed your way to without me around. Just let me handle the bad people out there for now. Maybe you can find someone to love you just as you without the baggage I bring.”

The ‘ because I don’t love you ‘ hung in the air like smoke and the fact that he couldn’t even say it out loud pissed me off. He even thought he could tell me to give up Midnight. She being an extension of me, it told me he didn’t care at all. He couldn’t have asked that of me if he did.

  “I said it’s not temporary Clark. You see, I thought you would be different because you aren’t from Earth. Turns out your biological parents’ goal was accomplished because you are just like the rest of the men in the world Clark Kent. You get what you want and you leave. As women we give and give  until we are depleted. I gave to you until I was almost lost in the shadow of you.  I’m done giving to you Kal. I’m done waiting for you to realize I am not some fragile flower in need of your protection anymore. If cutting me out your life was so easy now, then who am I to think you won’t do it again when it’s convenient? Bold of me to assume you give two fucks about me at all. So when I say it’s not temporary, it’s because it’s not. This week without you proved one thing to me and that is that I don’t need or want you in my life anymore.”

  “But Gia I care I just...I mean just a few short weeks ago I was going to propose to Lois. I can’t just walk away from her. Why can’t you of all people understand that?”

I laugh again which only makes him nervous. I knew about the ring. He had shown me a while ago and while I ignored the flicker of pain, I had congratulated him and given him a proud hug. I had finally begun to make peace with Clark only being my friend. I was almost over the crush, then this had happened. 

Now he was not about to lay his guilt on me like all of this was my doing. I loved him more than I thought was possible, but I loved myself more, at least as of this moment I did.

   “Kal I understand perfectly.  I never asked you to choose between she and I. All I ever asked was that you be my friend. You can’t even manage that. Come on let’s face it, you’ve been pulling away from me  for a while. I am tired of digging my heels in the dirt, begging you to return my friendship as you had in the past. So I agree it’s best we do not see each other, but this time Kal-El make it permanent. Get out of my life and don’t EVER come back.” 

His face fell, I imagined the tears in his eyes, probably to make myself feel better about all of this. 

  “Gia. I don’t mean forever.”

  “It’s not up for discussion because I do. I mean forever. Enjoy building your perfect life with Lois. I hope she is all the friend you will ever need, maybe you will make more, better than how you’ve treated me, but to be honest I don’t care if she is or not. Please leave my apartment and don’t come back.”

   “Gia.” He says his voice almost pleading.

  “GET OUT NOW KAL- EL!”

I said finally frustrated with him. I was on the verge of tears. I can't break down with him here. I needed him to go.

 “I’ll go Gia because it’s what you’ve asked of me, but I can’t not see you as in forever. I am...not... that strong.” 

I imagined I could feel his disappointment and heartbreak. I knew I was trying to make myself feel better.

   “You are going to have to be. Besides Don’t be so dramatic, I am only giving you what you wanted from the beginning when you asked me if I had anywhere to go. I’m setting you free of me for good just like you would have the night you rescued me. Goodbye Kal-El.”

I couldn’t even look at him, I shut off all incoming emotions as he stood there looking at me for another minute or so. Finally he opens the front door.

  “Goodbye Gia.”

As soon as the front door closes I slid to the kitchen floor. Face in my hands, knees almost touching my chest as I cried, the position reminding me of the night he found me and asked me to trust him. I did and look where it got me.

How did I lose my best friend and the man I loved in one night?

I was stupid to even let them become the same person. The worst part was that subconsciously I knew this would be the outcome. Okay maybe not the whole sex thing but even still I ignored my gut, and latched onto the idea that he loved me the way I loved him and I gave him a part of me that I could not get back. 

I could never fully forget Clark Kent because he had been my first. I knew I would always love him, he could just never know that...

*End Flashback*

We had no clue about the life we created the same night I lost my virginity to him. He wore protection and I was on birth control, so I still don’t know how Kalen came to be, but every time my son looks at me I am grateful. I would go through heartbreak again and again if it meant he didn’t feel an ounce of pain. Seeing Clark again after all these years had only proved I had buried the hurt, not gotten over it. 

I had to keep Clark at a distance at least from me. I had to stick to my decision that was made a long time ago and that was to not give a damn about this situation. 

My son had to be the priority. I couldn’t handle it if he wasn’t...

A/n: So what do you think? I hope it was enjoyable despite the heavy angst....

Love you all!! And remember the taglist is open just let me know -Singeramg

TAGLIST:

@bloodyinspiredfuck​ @romyr4​

[ruined-by-destiel]

First Impressions and Second Chances (part 14)

Summary: He never thought he’d get a second chance with you. Life didn’t work like that and it wasn’t something he’d been counting on. But now, being here with you at his side, he felt like he couldn’t thank the universe enough. He wasn’t going to screw it up this time.

Words: 1,518 (including texts)

Misha x Reader

Warnings: angst, resolved in fluff

Notes: we’re almost there! this is the second to last part of the series, things are starting to resolve themselves. next part is basically gonna be fluffy fluff and closure, but there’ll still be some of the good stuff :D (sidenote: this is unbeta’d and it took me AGES to write on a portuguese computer bc all the stuff is in different places, so sorry in advance if anything in the text or formatting looks weird. i fixed as much as i could!) leave in the comments if you liked this part :)

text messages in italics

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“We need to talk.”

Misha nodded slowly, contemplating. “Ok.” He lead you to the bed where you sat down next to each other, watching you carefully.

“Ok.” You took a deep breath, steadying yourself. “So,” you linked a hand with one of Misha’s, “we need to talk about us- what’s going to happen when you leave and all.”

Misha stared at your joined hands, silent. You craned your neck down, trying to meet his gaze. “Mish?”

“What if you came with me?”

The words came out too fast, and he immediately looked like he regretted saying anything. You swallowed. “What?”

“Come with me. To Vancouver, I mean.” Misha turned to look at you, weighing his next words carefully. “You know how I feel about you, and I can't stand the thought of not being with you anymore.”

“Misha…”

“Look, just-” he let out a long breath, “I don't want to lose you again.” He squeezed your hand. “I can't.”

You huffed a humorless laugh. “Misha, I can't- I can't just quit my job and leave everything to move, it´s not that easy. You know that.”

He shook his head. “No, you know what? Forget I even asked.” He let go of your hand and folded his arms. “I shouldn't have said anything.”

You sighed. “Don't.” You scooted closer to him and lay against his shoulder. You felt Misha tense his jaw, trying hard not to say anything. You closed your eyes, shaking your head minutely. “I`m sorry.”

“There`s nothing for you to be sorry about.” Misha relaxed slightly against you. “Wishful thinking, that's all it was.”

You let yourself fall back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. It creaked as Misha lay down next to you, holding you flush against him. “What do you want me to do?”

You wrapped your arms around him and closed your eyes, a tear trickling down your cheek. “Just hold me.”

Misha nodded and tightened his hold on you, like he would never let go. You wished he wouldn`t.

Six weeks later

You sipped your coffee as you scrolled through the news on your computer, skimming through the headlines. The buzz of your phone startled you, and you picked it up to see who had texted you. A smile tugged at your lips when you saw who it was from, enlarging the picture you`d received.

Misha was on set, you guessed from his Cas attire, smiling as he stared down at his phone. His easy demeanor made you smile wider, completely oblivious to having his picture taken. You went back to your messages and smiled, typing out a response. Texting on set? Kind of unprofessional, don't you think? ;)

A moment passed before another message came in. Don´t worry, I already knocked some sense into his thick skull for it.

You laughed. It wasn't unusual for the three of them to banter while they were on set. Another text came in, the change in tone evident. How you holding up?

You let out a deep breath, fingers hovering over the screen. It was a good question.

You and Misha had left things well when he went back to Vancouver, promising to talk every day and call whenever you had a chance. Things were going well, definitely better than they had last time, but a part of you still ached for him.

He hadn't said anything else about you going with him, but you knew it was hurting him to not be with you as well, and it showed whenever the two of you spoke.

I`m hanging. You left it at that and hit send, putting your phone to the side. You pulled up your email on the computer and opened your most recent message from your boss, about a new article he wanted you to work on. You groaned as you read it over, another mediocre story that no one really wanted to hear about. That was the thing about your hometown- nothing interesting ever happened. And if it did, it wasn't like you got to write about it anyways.

Misha`s words played over again in your head, unable to get them out. You read the email again, drumming your fingers on the table while worrying your bottom lip between your teeth.

“What the hell,” you mumbled to yourself as you wrote out a short response to your boss and shut your laptop, picking up your phone. You sent Jared a quick message and ran upstairs to your room before you chickened out.

“Cut!”

Misha groaned internally. He just wanted to get this scene over with so he could head back to his trailer- the two of you were going to have a skype date tonight. It'd been far too long since you'd last done this, and pictures didn´t do you enough justice.

Shaking his head, he tried to get back into his Cas mindset and prepared to do the scene over again. Jensen and Jared were whispering from where they stood and stealing glances towards Misha, but he hardly noticed. All he wanted was to be done.

“Alright, one more time, ready?” The director called out. “Aaand, action!”

Just like that, it was Dean, Sam and Cas standing around in a “motel room” discussing their current case.

“We can't do anything to help her unless she lets us, Dean.” Sam sat at the table, opening his laptop. “We'll just have to wait her out.”

Dean scoffed. “Right, because she's always been so enthusiastic to come to us in the past.”

“She´s a smart girl, Dean, she knows she can't do this alone” Cas stated with a huff. “I don't like it either, but Sam is right. There's nothing we can do except wait.”

“Whatever. I´m gonna take a shower.” Dean headed towards the “shower” and shut the door behind him, when moments later someone knocked at the motel door.

Cas glanced at Sam, who was still fixed on the computer screen. “Could that be her?”

“Might be. She knows where we are.” A smile tugged at his lips, almost causing Jared to break character. Misha frowned slightly but let it pass, dropping his angel blade from his sleeve and cautiously approaching the door. He grabbed the doorknob waited for a second, looking back at Sam, who nodded. In a swift motion he opened the door, blade poised in the threat of danger. His heart almost stopped when he saw who was standing there.

In this scene, Claire was supposed to be at the door, finally ready to accept the help of Castiel and the Winchesters on a case she found. However, it wasn´t Kathryn that stood before Misha.

You smiled, raising an eyebrow. “Is that an angel blade, or are you just really happy to see me, Mish?”

Misha huffed a laugh, dropping the blade and pulling you into a hug with no warning. You let him hold you, wrapping your arms around his waist and burying your face in his coat, trying to keep the tears at bay. It had been way too long.

Eventually, Misha reluctantly pulled back, smiling down at you.  “Wait, how- when… how are you here?”

You smiled. “You have some friends to thank for that.” You motioned with your head over his shoulder, and he turned around.

Jensen was sitting on the table with his arms crossed, a shit eating grin on his face. Jared stood next to him, watching the exchange with a wide grin.

Misha smiled, still slightly confused. “You guys?”

“Y/N texted me, told me her plan and we just helped put it to action.” Jared smiled. “This part, at least. We picked her up last night, and she stayed in Kat's trailer.”

A shake of his head and Misha turned to the crew. “You guys knew about this too?” Smiles and nods went around the room, and finally his gaze landed back on you. “You did this? For me?”

“For us.” You cupped his face in your hands and took a deep breath, readying yourself. “I quit my job.” Misha´s eyes widened but you shook your head. “It´s ok, really. I wasn't happy there anyways. But with you,” you caressed his cheek with your thumb, “it doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing. Because as long as I´m with you, I know it´ll be worth it.”

Misha blinked a few times, trying not to cry. “And you're sure about this?”

“I´ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life, Mish.” You smiled, heart pounding. “And I'm sure now. I know it.” You kissed him, softly but full of love, before pulling back and looking him in the eye. “I love you.”

Misha choked back a sob and pulled you in for another kiss, this one more desperate. Tears streamed down both your faces as you held each other in the doorway of the set, no one else in existence but the two of you, holding and kissing each other like your lives depended on each other. And in the moment, it felt like they did.

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