#like disney's Hercules was more faithful to the source than this at this point! At least they wrote a fucking satire!

[katerinaaqu]

Have you seen the new epic saga, it's something alright lmao

Of course I haven't seen it given that I never followed the live streaming to begin with not even in the first two sagas that I genuinely liked, much less now but a friend wanted to fill me in and since you asked and I wanted to be accurate, I tormented myself for almost 16 minutes to listen to the plot changes that I was told there would be and I am like

WHAT THE FUCK DID I HEAR?!!!!!!!!

I am sorry but again speakig purely on plot of course because honestly the music is really solid as always and the singers were amazing to transfer the emotions they wanted to transfer. Loved some of the melodies given, for example the intro of Charybdis was my favorite part I think but I am like HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT ALMOST ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF THE FREAKING ODYSSEY IS IN THIS SAGA?!!!!!! Like he just kept the bare minimum again!

Sorry for the runt but yeah here goes:

"Not sorry for loving you"=> After all that backlash that song got even from the most loyal Epic fans he still kept it. I mean I admire his loyalty to his ideas but like he should have known that the song was not a good idea. I mean it was almost clear from the song's ideas that Jorge would dodge the subject of SA and that he would leave his fans guessing (smart move gotta give him that) at first given the suicide attempt Odysseus make but now it seems almost clear that he would want to dodge the subject just like he dodged the Circe thing it is just that right now he couldn't do it as blatantly because Calypso was an infamous moment of the Odyssey And of course the "I love you" Odysseus said...I said it before and I say it again it reminds me a blunt way to translate the reconsiliation of Odysseus and Calypso in the Odyssey. Okay even Odyssey was interesting in that (see my other analysis) even Homer uses the phrase "they rested by each other's side enjoying their closeness" so in one way even Homer seems to be implying that Odysseus forgives her and even tries to see it from her point of view but honestly what else could he do? Hold a grudge? A day before he would be FINALLY given the tools to make a raft? I think not. It almost felt like Odysseus felt sorry for Calyspo for one second in the Odyssey, when Calypso, a literal goddess, compared herself to his wife. It was an almost pity move on his part at that moment. Dunno what the musical wanted to do with this but this was not the way to do it! All the context of their talk and all was lost! If anything he tried to use a made-up thing, AGAIN to show some compassion for Calyspo. Calypso was already a lonely deity. That tragedy was enough for her. She didn't need any more tear-jerking stories for people to feel for her more in my opinion (kinda like whatever PJO did if I am not mistaken...either way yeah...)

"Dangerous"=> You know...at this point I am not even surprised that he made Hermes and Odysseus interract....like that would be my least of my problems. He does make Odysseus interract with all the gods under the sun in the musical even if Odysseus only interracts with is Hermes at Circe's island ONLY and Athena in the Odyssey and that after he has been through everything! Either way of course we would have Hermes there but like again with all the things we have from "video game logic" or whatever he wants to do...Hermes gives him another bag?! like I have no idea what is going on here! The only thing I would praise here is the emotional preparation for a possible reunion with Athena given how Hermes doesn't tell Odysseus who helped him so maybe he has an emotional load there.

"Charybdis"=> Okay for starters.....WHAT THE FUCK?! What is Charybdis doing AFTER Ogygia?! Not even a flashback!? (and I was wondering where the "Hermes told me" thing came from in that preview) Like where is that damn desperation of Odysseus having to face Charybdis right after he lost everyone?! Alone and hungry in the sea after a terrible storm that took away his men?! I also love it really how everyone thought originally that at least Charybdis would be accurate to the text and everyone was making their analysis and "look how fighting he is here compared to after when he wants to throw himself in the sea in Ogygia" and now it is clear that this thing came AFTER Ogygia for some reason. Like I am not even surprised anymore that some of the most iconic moments of the Odyssey were twisted. It almost seems deliberate at this point like "yeah let's change exactly the most iconic parts" that's why Circe was changed, Sirens were changed, Skylla was changed, Charybdis was changed...even the storm after the Helios island... The intro slaps no lie there but honest I have expressed my opinion on that before and got in trouble but I think that moment of desperation shouldn't be a fucking epic song. It was a man hanging for dear life from a tree! Trying his best not to die! (made also one small thing here) And like I get it, if someone sees that escape as "epic" for being so dramatic and impressive, I get it. have epic music in the background but what on earth with the lyrics? Like "destroy you"?! Really? or "bring it on!" like the last thing Odysseus wanted in the Odyssey was Charybdis to...bring it on! Lol! You may as well speak on the "I'm still fightng here" thing, I totally get it why, but to actually challenge the beast seems totally random. But then again I guess it fits more with THIS context given how he thinks he is now favored by the gods? In the Odyssey he was alone abandoned by all and everything with no hope left so I guess...

"Get in the Water"=> Like okay I have seen this in more replays than I can count from the very beginning from the demos till now. Ironically out of this whole thing it could be lowkey my favorite! Lol! Mainly because it fits the Odyssey PARTIALLY (yeah again Poseidon never wanted to kill Odysseus. That was written straight out in the freaking Odyssey! Even 1997 version that was inacurate as hell in many things did that right!). I would have loved it if this song was Poseidon having a monolog and Odysseus having his cries like "oh no!" or prayers as a second monolog. Like not actually interracting but have two parallel monologs! This trope is not used much and I wish I saw it more. Like Odysseus praying to Poseidon but Poseidon doing his thing alone and the two not having a dialog to each other. Apart from that the song was as we expected so far. Maybe the last part had me a bit iked but again I feel like it would be massively fixed if the two characters had parallel monologs and not actually interracting. I also love it how casually we have Odysseus accuse Poseidon in this saga for destroying his men while he CONSCIOUSLY killed the last of those himself.

"600 strikes"=> I'm sorry but....WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SEE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!?! Like I am sorry never felt like good music was so wasted in my entire life ever since the Siren fiasco! Like the song is amazing musically but what the hell did just happen?!?!?!?!?! For starters the underworld has a bus service apparently and all come up... I feel like Jorge uses this as a pattern at this point. When scenes like the underworld attracted so much fans and emotions from people who praised his choice to bring the ghosts and the voices up he wants to use it every time to focus on emotional load in a similar manner (like I said never followed him for real so I am not sure how much of it was planned before and how much of it was done on the way). But yeah of course we would expect the appearance especially with the hype at Love in Paradise. But excuse the fuck out of me WHAT!? Odysseus beating up Poseidon with his FUCKING TRIDENT with the power of friendship?! LOL! I have no idea what to take of this! We do know humans fought gods before (Diomedes looking at you) but ironically to my knowledge NEVER THE BIG THREE! Like you know...fucking ZEUS POSEIDON AND HADES?!? The three main pillars of the world (Heaven Earth Underworld)?! I don't think I ever loved a lyric so much (Odysseus admitting what he became from his trip) and so cringe at the same time (Fucking POSEIDON begging for mercy?! and calling him "monster" for fighting back?!" I am not sure to which to cringe first). Is this supposed to be the part where Odysseus redeems himself against Poseidon?! To dodge the fact that Tiresias DIDN'T give him instructions to break the curse?! So basically Odysseus redeems himself for what he did...by stabbing a fucking god?! Like...remember how Diomedes was cursed by the narrative for stabbing fucking Aphrodite after fucking ATHENA ordered him to?! Yeah right that works! What the hell?! And the final part was supposed to be some sort of redemption from the pattern "All I hear are screams"?! Like "how will you seel at night?" and the response "next to my wife"?! Is that supposed to be the last of the "all I hear are screams" pattern?! Is this supposed to be the ultimate "monster move" of Odysseus or something?! And of course we had to have an encore from the previous bag of winds scene as well like yeah once more the god Poseidon the fucking literal god of seas and land inhabited by humans, the guy who has the epithet Προσκλύστιος (Prosklystios)= the one who strikes against (to imply the waves) was taken down by a bag of winds?! I mean yeah makes total sense!

You know...it almost feels like Jorge read my fanfiction with his men supporting him against the Trojans! Looooool just kidding I just am too shook by the random things that come out of that magic hat! Like yeah Odysseus swimming, literally SWIMMING for two days in a fucking storm to reach Scheria was not epic enough apparently...we needed some sort of final boss god fight here...like Hades game or something like yeah...what's next?! Odysseus will shoot fucking ZEUS with his bow with the blessings of Athena to get even in thenext saga?!

Also of course we have sped up plot again because screw the Phaeaceans, the very reason Odysseus even TELLS HIS STORY! The one we could have his redemption, his cry and the move of compassion from them (not to mention it makes so much more sense than someone traveling on a freaking RAFT from Calyspo's island all the way to Ithaca since the Phaeaces gave him a ship and all) unless they somehow pop up later which I doubt... I also heard that the storm or whatever is signifying Penelope the coming home of her husband? Not sure again not following but yeah

To conclude as always music-wise really solid work very good harmonies and by n large very good intros

Plot wise

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Again I deeply apologize on the Epic fans out there and even to the creator himself if I sound harsh! I know but still...I just cannot anymore...the plot is like killing me!

and these are my PERSONAL OPINIONS! If you love it good for you guys! I just had enough of it really. Is it impressive? HELL YEAH is it creative ABSOLUTELY!! is it good? To me absolutely not! Honest never expected to say that but I think the "Get in the Water" is the song that makes the most sense out of it.

PS: I am sure the animators did a FANTASTIC JOB in their work too! And I believe I will see impressive stuff from now on! The same good job as the singers did!

[spirit-meets-the-b0ne]

After the now infamous deleted GRRM blogpost it felt like a good time to bring up this rant that's been sitting in the back of my drafts for a while now. This is a long one so buckle in.

The adaptation discourse will be so much easier when the fact that an “adaptation” and “inspired by” are accepted as different things. Many of the things being argued as adaptations really end up fitting under “inspired by/based on” more than “adaptation.��� The basis of the breakdown lying in “are you adapting for change in medium or are you adopting characters and worlds with new narratives and personalities?” Too often these terms are used interchangeably or amalgamated together.

Because an adaption from text to film should boil down to; okay we may not be able to show this grand explosion or wild fight so we will make it as similar in tone as possible with the right tension and have a choreographer work around our physical limitations. For example, if you tried to make a live action Naruto (which I vehemently condemn for the record) almost every single fight has to be changed because outside of overusing CGI you could simply never display the key moments of those battles. So while the resounding retort of, "aN aDapTatiOn iS nEveR gOinG tO bE a 1:1" is obvious, but that phrase is commonly being used as a blanket response to any and all criticism regardless of how valid the point is.

An inspired by on the contrary CAN deviate from the canon in ways that an adaption should not. Inspired by is categorically like what Disney did with 90s animated movies, they were inspired by myths, folktales and legends but changed to make palatable for young audiences and of course there’s subtextual references (Scar holding the skull as in Hamlet) through out. You would never call them adaptions however. A production inspired by Shakespeare (Lion King inspired by Hamlet) and an adaptation (Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo & Juliet) are inherently different because of this fundamental distinction. Because the adaptation of Romeo & Juliet kept faithfully to not only the themes in a modern setting but Luhrmann being a madman left the play's dialogue unchanged, only the setting and props suited to the new format. Which is the case in point. THAT was an adaptation.

I always come back to it but with Avatar the Last Airbender adaptations are really categorically more suited for the label of “inspired by” because an adaptation doesn’t mean “okay let’s jam 3 separate story lines into one episode” like absolutely NO. If you don’t “have the time” to explore an arc fully then YOU NEED MORE EPISODES. Sokka not wearing Kyoshi makeup and therefore changing the entire dynamic and the entire point of that plot is NOT an adaption, it was something both physically and metaphysically that could and should have happened. Changing a character and their relationships is not adaption, it’s adoption, and listen it’s okay to want to do that. It’s the foundation of fan fiction. And it’s also okay to say, I like the stories as they’re presented because I don’t have a relationship/love for the source. However, the people who do have every right to take issue with the changes, even those you enjoyed.

Whereas the inspired by category gets a lot more leniency with the plot and characters. To go back to the Disney animated films of the 90s, Hercules is one of the cases referenced most often. Of course you can’t make a Greek mythological adaption for children with today’s ratings and restrictions - that was what made them stories to inspire not adapt. It’s why what Rick Riordan did was a great effort and worked to make complex mythology accessible to kids. It’s why tumblr nerds often laugh about the portrayal of Zeus being a faithful and loving husband and Hera being the loving mother of Hercules. In that case of course you have to change those dynamics and principles for the intended audience. Or sometimes inspired by requires you to introduce a different setting and protagonist inspired by a source. Detective Pikachu for example isn’t an Ash Ketchum led live action it’s something completely separate from that universe while following most of the main principles. Similar to the “based on” film/television that might also keep some foundational material but present a new plot or different tone. Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy is a fantastic example of this where the protagonist and antagonists are all familiar and they’re in Gotham City as fans would expect but their stories and relationships might not have been what the audience expected.

All that to be said, when a writer themselves is entering the ring to defend their work from the "adaptation" being put forth with their name on it - it is completely justifiable. GRRM isn't new to television or film, he's been doing this for decades and has worked on projects before, all of which had budgets and production teams to be considered. The other blanket response of "well THE BUDGET" is really fallible because we've seen low budget films pull off incredible results on screen. The reoccurring issue here and in the television media landscape really all doubles back to executives being the downfall. You have calculating business wads who wouldn’t know creativity if it bit them in the ass making creative choices for shows. Most of them being qualified only in business and not in media or entertainment by any other way. This is not exclusive to television we can see cases of this happening in music as well (see Sabrina Carpenters label not wanting to release “Espresso” the arguable song of the summer) when these people are more often than not dead wrong.

GRRM's main focus in the blog post was around Maelor's exclusion which was purported to be a budget/casting issue. To me this is a very fallible excuse. Mainly because, not wanting to cast another toddler when you already aged down the other children is an easy one. A. You could have had used an infant (also would have added more emotional tension in B&C if Haelena was alone holding the baby) because it's pretty easy to interchange infant actors. B. use a doll. I mean this is like elementary but seriously a swaddled baby doll and some sound fx could have been easily done. Still works for later scenes if you have the doll in a crib "sleeping" and that's me accepting a relatively lazy inclusion of Maelor. Considering there's no way to introduce him now after the explicit details of Aegon's dick being destroyed. Some of these changes or mashups of plot points are more than just budgetary issues they’re logic and continuity based issues.

My point being, the very purpose of an adaptation is to take the source material and doing what you can to present the best version of this story to the audience with the tools you are given. There are of course ways this won't mean every single line of dialogue or action is going to be followed to a t. However, if you were going to adapt a recipe let's say, to make it a vegetarian dish - you can swap out the meat for another source of protein or veggies and make the sauce/foundation of the recipe exactly as it's called for but adapt it to your palette or preference. Inspired by is when white people make shit like “lasagna tacos” where you’re like well that’s … nice I guess? But definitely not authentic. Or just ask an Italian chef if you put heavy cream in your Carbonara and watch them start foaming at the mouth.

So while I understand not everyone may agree with GRRM about his response - he is completely justified in doing so, as is anyone else critical of this adaptation. Because it barely adheres to what an adaptation is supposed to be. Some of you may not like that either but this production should have been labeled as "inspired by" or “from the world of” for a lot of reasons considering the liberties they took and omissions they executed. This goes far beyond the scope of this case but I truly applaud George for making a stand and calling out the failures of this production. If I had one more person try to tell me to basically accept shitty adaptations for the sake of them being adaptations I was going to start screaming at the sky. If you're one of the people that likes the changes to HoTD or ATLA or Witcher then god bless I'm happy you have that but the suggestion that fans of the source material are supposed to shut up and accept them is asinine. Discounting the majority of a fanbase is grossly disrespectful and dismissing their criticisms is truly unjustifiable. When an author has to throw their hat in the ring to explain this it's time to look at the bigger picture. He nailed it in a previous blog post:

it does not seem to matter whether the source material was written by Stan Lee, Charles Dickens, Ian Fleming, Roald Dahl, Ursula K. Le Guin, J.R.R. Tolkien, Mark Twain, Raymond Chandler, Jane Austen, or… well, anyone.   No matter how major a writer it is, no matter how great the book, there always seems to be someone on hand who thinks he can do better, eager to take the story and “improve” on it.   “The book is the book, the film is the film,” they will tell you, as if they were saying something profound.   Then they make the story their own. They never make it better, though.   Nine hundred ninety-nine times out of a thousand, they make it worse. (x)

Not to sound like a Boomer but making a story your own is not an adaptation. It just isn't. If you aren't clever or creative enough (*cough* Ryan C*ndal *cough*) to make an original work I personally do not see any validity in taking someone else's work and implementing your own artistic choices that fundamentally contradict the source material. Unless you want to call it something else. I have no problem with taking a concept and reinventing the story ie: Kurt Sutter basing Sons of Anarchy loosely on Hamlet or Diablo Cody's Lisa Frankenstein. I actually rather enjoy re-imagined stories whether they be parodies or more creative interpretations. Those are all well and good. Not to be mischaracterized as adaptations tho.

"Adaptations" and "inspired by" works can and should coexist but there needs to be a clear distinction to the production teams and audiences respectively.

While some people have had negative responses to George's post, on the website flooded with creators whether they make art or write, I find it rather a suspiring reaction. It's an odd position to take even if the justification is that he sold the material - how many of you wouldn't take that opportunity? Who wouldn't want a major media corporation to offer to adapt your work. Shit, I would sell my work for pennies on the dollar to see a television show produced from it. That being said, I would be devastated beyond belief if the changes that I never accepted or approved were implemented and put out there under the name of my work. So whether it be from the point of view as a fan or an author I simply cannot subscribe to the notion that disappointing adaptations are in and of themselves a compliment undeserving of criticism. Nor can I accept some of the television productions being marketed as "adaptation" when they're categorically "inspired by" in nature. If that distinction was acknowledged I could at least justify some of the changes we’ve seen and dismiss book purists as well, but as the show is purported to be an adaptation I cannot see this as a success. It fails in ways an adaptation would not, for reasons that frankly have more holes in them than Swiss cheese. George deserves better and the fans deserve better.

[nikadd]

i didnt get to experience the beginning of the empty's deal arc live, but im just so obsessed with the whole concept of it.

first of all, i know for a Fact that i would have instantly assumed it would have meant destiel. i've always been a diehard heller with probably too much blind optimism a person could ever have about this show, but that's just how my brain works, and i don't have to defend myself about this. that's just me.

second, the framing of it is 1) Romantic As FUCK - like, even without the whole concept the confession is very much a romantic confession, but the curse makes it even more so, and anyone who calls it a confession of platonic feelings has probably struggled in high school literature classes; 2) a Great parallel of Cas saving Jack to Dean saving Sam, which would have been a Great culmination of Cas being later saved by Dean (which they obviously dropped the biggest ball on!! FUCK i could have had all the Disney's Hercules gif comparisons i could ever handle) to parallel Cas saving Dean; and 3) the ticking bomb set-up HAD to have come into fruition, and i love plotlines that make you ask how something is going to happen, rather than whether it even would.

third, which is probably my favorite part of it all - and you may question the amount of faith i had in the writers to have planned this, idc, i'm not subscribing to the idea that anything good ever on this show was an accident - which is that the fact that the requirements for the deal to work deny a possibility of an earlier or less substantial trigger. to reiterate, the condition for the moment to be the PEAK of cas's happiness required the story to 1) strategically build to that point; 2) compare/contrast other happy moments to emphasize just how special this particular moment is; and 3) create a new understanding of everything prior. in my opinion, it has more or less succeeded on all those counts.

the build-up has definitely come from placing dean and cas's relationship at the forefront of this season from the divorce arc and on. i definitely think there could have been more of a development of that dynamic in terms of cas's grace failure and an elaboration on dean's relationship with jack.

the last part adds to my second point. in 15x15, cas gives a speech about finding a new source of faith that is not deicentric. he speaks about his trajectory as a person, about finding family, about jack. that moment is very much a happy moment for cas. it is not THEE moment of happiness required to summon the empty, both stemming from and proving the fact that the confession that does lead to the empty taking him was not, in fact, about finding family, purpose, and all those things. if the articulation of him being happy about finding where he belongs was what was necessary, cas would have been taken right out of that church.

my third and final point is what i mean by the fact that the confession was such a major revelation that it echoed back throughout the series' narrative to highlight every single moment of cas's expression of love for dean and the world at large. just the concept of something that had that much power to not alter but reveal something so many of us saw hiding just underneath the veil of subtext is both groundbreaking and inspiring.

[smokeybrandreviews]

Smokey brand Select: Magic Kingdom

So i don’t really care for Disney films. I don’t like musicals and, for the most part, that’s all the Mouse House makes. It always wigged me out that those thing won so many f*cking awards just because there are pretty songs in the f*cking things. I always feel like all of that sing-song sh*t could be better used in, i don’t know, world building or character development. Like, proper character development and not just Elsa signing about how the f*cking cold never bothered her or whatever. F*cking eighty years of sh*t, man. That’s a lot of content so, inevitably, admittedly, i stumbled be across a few that i actually enjoy. Color me surprised, right? Not really. Eight decades of content and i was sure to find one or two endearing. That’s just a numbers game right there. Also, I'm not counting Pixar flicks on this list. They will always be a separate company to me, even though they started out as and returned to the Mouse House. Actually, that might be Select list for later.

10. Raya and the Last Dragon

I was very surprised by how much i enjoyed Raya. I actually reviewed this thing a while back and kind of sh*tted on it for being an Avatar derivative, which is totally is, but it was still a fun time. I genuinely enjoyed Awkwafina and, even if it stumbled at the finish line the race there was more than entertaining. Plus, this movie is f*cking gorgeous, man. Easily the best looking CG flick Disney released up to that point. I hear Encanto looks much better but i haven’t seen that one yet and really don’t have a desire to because i don’t like Disney movies all that much.

9. Wreck-It Ralph

I saw Ralph on a plane and it broke my f*cking heart. I remember getting really emotional watching this thing, even teared up a little bit, and that rarely happens to me. It’s more frequent nowadays because I'm old and my lady has made me soft but it’s still a relatively rare occurrence. Not with that first Ralph, though. I felt a myriad of emotions that i was not prepared for nor wanted but this thing just pulled that sh*t but of me. That, alone, gets it on the list. If your film can make me feel genuine emotion you get to make the goddamn list, regardless of quality or not. But Ralph is top tier quality, too.

8. Hercules

I’m a sucker for Greek mythology, what can i say? This thing makes this list strictly because i enjoy the f*ck out of the base material. Plus, it was a hoot seeing how Disney would adapt the abject tragedy of Hercules’ life because f*ck. Outside of that, if I'm being honest, this one is kind of pedestrian. I did enjoy the Hydra and Hades was pretty funny but, as a film, it’s definitely one of the weaker entries on this list, if not the weakest.

7. Mulan

It’s really hard not to love Mulan. This thing was breaking all sorts of barriers back in the day. Asian lead. Chinese source material. Culturally faithful, mostly. Strong female lead. Actual cross-dressing. F*cking genocide. Mulan was everything back in the day. Plus, it has one of the best Disney bangers, ever. Listen to Make A Man Out of You and tell me that sh*t isn’t straight fire.

6. Zootopia

Zootpia surprised me. I did not expect such heavy material, broached with such care and respect. This movie is pretty f*cking heady for kids but the way executed kind of made that point mute. Zootopia is excellent at what it does and that makes it a much stronger cinematic experience. With all of this rancor about Critical Race Theory, it’s kind of weird that a movie starring anthropomorphic animal

5. Tangled

Bro, i LOVE Tangled. Like, way more than i should. Personally, i think it’s much better than Frozen but I'm in the minority on that one. I legit don’t understand how because literally everything about Rapunzel’s Day Off, is superior to Elsa’s Emo Outburst in every way. I mean, Frozen has better animation but Tangled definitely walked so it could run. Plus, i mean, Rapunzel is f*cking adorable and the little spin-off cartoon was decent, too.

4a. Aladdin

Aladdin was the first Disney flick that i remember actually liking all of the songs. Like, all of them were fire. Arabian Nights is easily my favorite but i have a special place in my heart for One Jump Ahead. I used to serenade my lady with that sh*t because she hated it so much. Her ex used to do it to her, too, completely with choreography and everything so, of course, i had to do it, too. I can’t be shown up by the dude before me, right? More than that, this was one of the films the helped to define Robin Williams as one of the premier stapled of my childhood. Aladdin, Mrs. Doubtfire, Hook, and Jumanji stayed on heavy rotation during my halcyon days.

4b. The Lion King

The Lion King is a whole ass masterpiece. Seriously, this thing is a near perfect film. Dope ass music. Incredibly strong performances. Beautifully realized world. Solid plot. Outstanding performances. There isn’t a weak spot in this thing and. damn near thirty years later, all of that shine holds up. I don’t have a great deal to say about this one. No one hated the Lion King. No one. Unless you’re talking about the “live action” version. That sh*t is the worst.

3a. Fantasia

I love classical music. Mozart, Beethoven, and Tchaikovsky are my favorites. Beethoven’s fifth symphony, The Marriage of Figaro, and the 1812 Overture are some of my all-time favorite works but i absolutely adore all of the songs chosen for this thing. Obviously, The Nutcracker Suite sequence is up there for me because i love The Nutcracker but A Night on Bald Mountain is straight up my sh*t! I remember losing it the first time i saw that thing on my Grandma’s TV. Chernabog was everything to me back then. That whole sequence really f*cked with me and definitely left an impression that has endured for over three decades.

3b. A Nightmare Before Christmas

I was obsessed with the flick when i was young. I remember, very vividly, seeing and advertisement in the now defunct Disney Adventures mini magazine and f*cking needed it. It was a full page add that had the clearest shot of Jack Skellington with a simple and direct message next to him, “Meet Jack.” Yes. Yes i would. Later on, i found out it was based on a Tim Burton story, the guy that gave me Batman and Beetlejuice, so i was totally on board. Nightmare was the first claymation outing for Burton, kind of. There was a Frankenweenie short made years earlier, when he was working for Disney, but that was more a proof of concept, i think. And I'm not even a fat girl with black hair. That’s a Family Guy reference so chill out. Interestingly enough, Nightmare wasn’t originally a Disney film. It was a Touchstone joint because the material was considered too dark for kids. Once this sh*t got it’s Spencers clout, though Disney came a-knockin’. Kind of like how they did with the next entry on this list...

2. Who Framed Roger Rabbit

I cannot stress enough how much i love this film. If i was obsessed with Nightmare, i had a whole ass addiction to Roger Rabbit when i was a kid. I watched this thing as religiously as i watched those old Transformers tapes way back when. I adore this movie for so many reasons. Judge Doom. Jessica Rabbit. Eddie Valiant. All of the sight gags. All of the cartoon cameos. The overall plot. The absolutely unrivaled integration of the animation and live action aspects. Like, to this day, modern films f*ck that sh*t up but this thirty year old outing executes that sh*t to perfection. And it’s f*cking hilarious. Who Framed Roger Rabbit is a straight up masterpiece. Also, much like Nightmare, this started as a Touchstone picture for the same reason Nightmare did. And just like it’s successor, the Mouse House would reclaim it for themselves when the nostalgia made the thing shine bright like the star it always has been.

1. Atlantis: The Lost Empire

Atlantis is my favorite Disney film to date. Every one says it’s bad but i disagree. This thing is a great film, just not cut from that Princess mold which was so popular the decade preceding. See, Disney entered another Dark Age around the time The Hunchback of Notre Dame came out and didn’t break out of that sh*t until Tangled released. Most of the films released during this time; Atlantis, Lilo and Stitch, Treasure Planet, Meet the Robinsons, and The Emperor’s New Groove just to name a few, were all pretty decent in their own right but were nowhere near as successful as the preceding films. I remember Atlantis being absolutely  savaged by critics and it took me years to just sit down and watch it but when i did? Holy sh*t! Atlantis is everything these Hollywood types want in a film nowadays.

Strong female lead who happens to be a woman of color. A sweet, awkward love interest that never overstays his welcome. Fantastic set pieces that really marvel and entertain. A cast of colorful supporting characters that enrich every second they’re on screen together. A sinister f*cking villain who is just plain rotten. A plot that has sincere pathos and real consequence for the world presented in this narrative. F*ckng Atlantis is a goddamn wonder and no one watched it when it first came out because there aren’t any f*cking songs in it. Like, the f*ck? I am SO glad this thing is getting the shine it deserves, even if it’s decades removed. There are whispers of a live action adaption in the works, which would be perfect because Atlantis is a great action flick, with Tom Holland taking the role of Milo. Dude is perfect for that role and has had great practice emulating Michael j. Fox as his Peter Parker is based heavily on Marty McFly. This entry got away from me but i f*cking really, really, love Atlantis: The Lost Empire and absolutely know more people should watch it so they can fall in love with it, too.

Honorable Mentions: Mary Poppins, A Goofy Movie, Oliver and Company, The Sword in the Stone, Big Hero 6, Lilo and Stitch, Alice in Wonderland, The Jungle Book, The Emperor’s New Groove

[twstarchives]

Admissions Videos Transcripts

● Video Source: https://admission.twisted-wonderland.aniplex.co.jp/ ● Info: These videos first debuted at an in-person event at Shibuya Modi on October 26 & 27, 2019. Attendees were given an invitation card (pictured above) and instructed to place it in a “fire” where it then turned into a card with a keyhole. There were designated screens at this event which appeared blank to onlookers, but if you looked through the keyhole you received, you’d be able to see one of the dorm leaders greeting you. These videos were later posted on the official website on December 25.

                            ・━━━━✥◈✥━━━━・

Dire Crowley

Please allow me to welcome you today to the mage-training school Night Raven College’s admissions experience. I am the school’s headmaster, Dire Crowley. Now, please place that invitation you are holding in the light.

Are you ready? If we were to host a proper entrance ceremony, the Mirror of Darkness would select a house that perfectly matches your soul. Today, however, is a special admissions experience. I will use my own magic to choose a house for you. What do you think? Aren’t I so kind?

Another thing, today is a bit different than an official sorting. Regardless of which house is chosen for you, please refrain from any complaining. Now then, shall we begin?

One! Two! Three!

A keyhole linked to the gates of Night Raven College has opened in what used to be your invitation. Now, don’t be afraid; take your invitation back from the light. Hold the keyhole up to your eye, and take a peek out from the gates. I wonder where your soul will be guided?

Riddle Rosehearts

My name is Riddle Rosehearts. I’m the dorm leader ruling over Heartslabyul, which was founded on the severity of the Queen of Hearts.

You’re the new student, right? Since you’ve joined Heartslabyul, you must obey the laws of the Queen of Hearts just like a card soldier. First, start with a greeting.

…No. Speak more nicely. Don’t twiddle your fingers. Turn out your toes, and curtsy! Open your mouth a little wider!

Very good. You have quite a bit of promise in you. I don’t hate a person who obeys the rules. I have faith you’ll be able to follow all 810 of them.

But I’ll tell you just in case: If you ever were to break one of this dormitory’s rules…You already know, don’t you? It’ll be off with your head. Keep that in mind.

Leona Kingscholar

Are you the new kid?

What? Why do you look so excited?

Yes, well, forgive me for not leaping for joy. I’m Leona Kingscholar. The dorm leader for the house founded in the indomitable spirit of the King of Beasts, Savanaclaw.

We have only one rule here that’s absolute: Obey the king. It’s something even an herbivore like you can understand. Not too much to ask for, right?

You want to know what happens if you break that rule? Oh, no, no, let’s not think about things you don’t need to. I’m worried something horrible will end up happening to our adorable little newbie.

There are tons of aggressive guys in Savanaclaw. You wouldn’t want to end up in a mess with a pack of starving hyenas, right? If you want to see the light of another day, then curl up your tail and do as you’re told.

Azul Ashengrotto

Hello. So you are the new student everyone’s been talking about. Allow me to welcome you to Octavinelle, the dorm founded on the mercy of the Sea Witch. I work as its dorm leader, Azul Ashengrotto.

You are really quite fortunate. Since you’ve become an Octavinelle student, you’ll be able to spend your school life without feeling miserable, lonely, or depressed!

Why, you ask? Should anything happen that leaves you troubled, I will immediately come to help you. Yes, feel free to ask me anything at all. As dorm leader, I’m only doing what’s expected of me. I am very kind to those who are obedient.

Of course… In the case that you are unable to pay the price… I would have to punish you. Even I would feel just anguished if I had to hear your screams. You wouldn’t do anything to make me sad… would you?

Kalim Al-Asim

Oh?! You’re here! I’m Kalim Al-Asim. I’m the dorm leader for Scarabia, the house founded in the tactical spirit of the Sorcerer of the Sand. I’ve been looking for you. ‘Cause we can’t start the party unless everyone’s here! Today’s gonna be so much fun!

Golden camels, purple peacocks, white Persian monkeys, birds that warble on key… and a whole bunch of other animals; we’ve brought them all! And also… a magic carpet!

We’ll watch the parade, dance and sing, and have the best time of our lives!! Ah! Obviously, I had a whole lot of food prepared too! Hehe! The food our vice leader makes is the absolute best!!

He… told me this isn’t the time to throw a party, but… don’t you think there should be a little fun in this, too?

RIGHT?! I have a really good feeling about you coming to our dorm! Don’t even worry. I am an excellent judge of character.

Vil Schoenheit

This is Pomefiore, the house founded on the heavy efforts of the Beautiful Queen. We’re the fairest dormitory at this academy, as well as the most historic. I’m the dorm leader, Vil Schoenheit.

Are you our new student? Hm~? Well, let’s see if you’re eligible for now. Although… This still isn’t good enough.

Do you think the color of that top really suits you? Do your hair and skin always look perfect? Do you keep your nails nicely polished? Right now, I spare no effort in making sure that I am the most beautiful. And since you’re a student here too, I’ll make sure you’re working to improve your own self too.

Pomefiore has no room for lazy people. If you ever try to go behind my back and even think about slacking off… You’ll experience something that will make your breath still and your blood congeal. Please prepare yourself.

Idia Shroud

I-I’m Idia… Idia Shroud. Hello. I-I’m the dorm leader for Ignihyde, the house founded on the… diligence of the… Lord of the Dead. Anyway…

Y-You… really are unlucky to have been chosen for this dorm. Welcome to a school life that’s nothing but dark and gloomy; I’m so sorry for you—it really almost feels like you’ve been abandoned by the Goddess of Fate herself, doesn’t it!

T-There’s a lot more accurate information you can find on the internet about our dorm than you can get from me; you can look those things up yourself.

…Do you still need something? You really are persistent. Unlike you new students, I have a really busy schedule.

If you want to get by peacefully at this academy, my advice to you would be to not stand out. The people here are nothing but bad news.

Malleus Draconia

Oh? There’s quite a clamor over here.

What? An admission experience? Hm? That’s what all these festivities are? In that case, are you one of the humans who were invited here?

Then I will introduce myself to you, who is nothing more than a baby. I am Malleus Draconia. The dorm leader of the house founded in the noble spirit of the Fairy of Thorns, Diasomnia. And… I’m a descendant of the king who reigns over all dwellers of the night.

What’s the matter? Don’t look so frightened. I’m not going to suddenly transform into a giant dragon and set you on fire or anything like that.

I would love to chat with you a little while longer, but I’m afraid we must part for today. I was not invited to this glittering assemblage, you see.

I apologize for barging in uninvited. …Tell that to the Headmaster for me.

Of course I’m not angry. I’m not.

There are several Disney easter eggs hidden in these dialogues. I reworded some of them to better match the version spoken in the English versions of the movies.

Below I gathered the official lines for both the EN and JP dubs if you’d like to compare! If text from the JP dub was different enough to point out, I translated that in italics.

Alice in Wonderland

The Queen of Hearts’ dialogue:

Look up, speak nicely, and don’t twiddle your fingers! Turn out your toes. Curtsy. Open your mouth a little wider. もっと丁寧に。指を動かしてはいけないよ！左足を引いて、敬礼！口をもっとおおーきく開いて、こういうんだよ。

The Lion King

Scar’s dialogues:

Yes, well, forgive me for not leaping for joy. そうか、飛び上がって喜べなくて悪いな。

You wouldn’t want to end up in another mess like you did with the hyenas. この間のようにハイエナに襲われたら大変だろう。

You shall never see the light of another day. お前は二度と、太陽を拝めぬ身の上。

The Little Mermaid

All of these cameos are lyrics from the song Poor Unfortunate Souls.

The miserable, lonely, and depressed 憂鬱で悩める人

On the whole, I’ve been a saint いい子には優しい (I’m kind to good children)

Someone couldn’t pay the price and I’m afraid I had to rake ‘em cross the coals お代もらえず、お仕置きするの　泣きながら

Aladdin

All of the animals Kalim lists were also mentioned in the song Prince Ali.

Additionally, one of Kalim’s lines reflects a dialogue spoken by the Sultan:

I am an excellent judge of character. わしの人を見る目は確かじゃ。

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

The Evil Queen’s dialogue:

Her breath will still, her blood congeal. 息は止まって、血も凍りつく。

Hercules

“A little dark, a little gloomy” is how Hades sardonically describes the Underworld.

“The Goddess of Fate” refers to the Fates, who are called the “Three Goddesses of Fate” in JP

Sleeping Beauty

“Glittering assemblage” is the phrase Maleficent uses to describe Aurora’s birthday celebration

[smokeybrand]

Smokey brand Select: Magic Kingdom

So i don’t really care for Disney films. I don’t like musicals and, for the most part, that’s all the Mouse House makes. It always wigged me out that those thing won so many f*cking awards just because there are pretty songs in the f*cking things. I always feel like all of that sing-song sh*t could be better used in, i don’t know, world building or character development. Like, proper character development and not just Elsa signing about how the f*cking cold never bothered her or whatever. F*cking eighty years of sh*t, man. That’s a lot of content so, inevitably, admittedly, i stumbled be across a few that i actually enjoy. Color me surprised, right? Not really. Eight decades of content and i was sure to find one or two endearing. That’s just a numbers game right there. Also, I'm not counting Pixar flicks on this list. They will always be a separate company to me, even though they started out as and returned to the Mouse House. Actually, that might be Select list for later.

10. Raya and the Last Dragon

I was very surprised by how much i enjoyed Raya. I actually reviewed this thing a while back and kind of sh*tted on it for being an Avatar derivative, which is totally is, but it was still a fun time. I genuinely enjoyed Awkwafina and, even if it stumbled at the finish line the race there was more than entertaining. Plus, this movie is f*cking gorgeous, man. Easily the best looking CG flick Disney released up to that point. I hear Encanto looks much better but i haven’t seen that one yet and really don’t have a desire to because i don’t like Disney movies all that much.

9. Wreck-It Ralph

I saw Ralph on a plane and it broke my f*cking heart. I remember getting really emotional watching this thing, even teared up a little bit, and that rarely happens to me. It’s more frequent nowadays because I'm old and my lady has made me soft but it’s still a relatively rare occurrence. Not with that first Ralph, though. I felt a myriad of emotions that i was not prepared for nor wanted but this thing just pulled that sh*t but of me. That, alone, gets it on the list. If your film can make me feel genuine emotion you get to make the goddamn list, regardless of quality or not. But Ralph is top tier quality, too.

8. Hercules

I’m a sucker for Greek mythology, what can i say? This thing makes this list strictly because i enjoy the f*ck out of the base material. Plus, it was a hoot seeing how Disney would adapt the abject tragedy of Hercules’ life because f*ck. Outside of that, if I'm being honest, this one is kind of pedestrian. I did enjoy the Hydra and Hades was pretty funny but, as a film, it’s definitely one of the weaker entries on this list, if not the weakest.

7. Mulan

It’s really hard not to love Mulan. This thing was breaking all sorts of barriers back in the day. Asian lead. Chinese source material. Culturally faithful, mostly. Strong female lead. Actual cross-dressing. F*cking genocide. Mulan was everything back in the day. Plus, it has one of the best Disney bangers, ever. Listen to Make A Man Out of You and tell me that sh*t isn’t straight fire.

6. Zootopia

Zootpia surprised me. I did not expect such heavy material, broached with such care and respect. This movie is pretty f*cking heady for kids but the way executed kind of made that point mute. Zootopia is excellent at what it does and that makes it a much stronger cinematic experience. With all of this rancor about Critical Race Theory, it’s kind of weird that a movie starring anthropomorphic animal

5. Tangled

Bro, i LOVE Tangled. Like, way more than i should. Personally, i think it’s much better than Frozen but I'm in the minority on that one. I legit don’t understand how because literally everything about Rapunzel’s Day Off, is superior to Elsa’s Emo Outburst in every way. I mean, Frozen has better animation but Tangled definitely walked so it could run. Plus, i mean, Rapunzel is f*cking adorable and the little spin-off cartoon was decent, too.

4a. Aladdin

Aladdin was the first Disney flick that i remember actually liking all of the songs. Like, all of them were fire. Arabian Nights is easily my favorite but i have a special place in my heart for One Jump Ahead. I used to serenade my lady with that sh*t because she hated it so much. Her ex used to do it to her, too, completely with choreography and everything so, of course, i had to do it, too. I can’t be shown up by the dude before me, right? More than that, this was one of the films the helped to define Robin Williams as one of the premier stapled of my childhood. Aladdin, Mrs. Doubtfire, Hook, and Jumanji stayed on heavy rotation during my halcyon days.

4b. The Lion King

The Lion King is a whole ass masterpiece. Seriously, this thing is a near perfect film. Dope ass music. Incredibly strong performances. Beautifully realized world. Solid plot. Outstanding performances. There isn’t a weak spot in this thing and. damn near thirty years later, all of that shine holds up. I don’t have a great deal to say about this one. No one hated the Lion King. No one. Unless you’re talking about the “live action” version. That sh*t is the worst.

3a. Fantasia

I love classical music. Mozart, Beethoven, and Tchaikovsky are my favorites. Beethoven’s fifth symphony, The Marriage of Figaro, and the 1812 Overture are some of my all-time favorite works but i absolutely adore all of the songs chosen for this thing. Obviously, The Nutcracker Suite sequence is up there for me because i love The Nutcracker but A Night on Bald Mountain is straight up my sh*t! I remember losing it the first time i saw that thing on my Grandma’s TV. Chernabog was everything to me back then. That whole sequence really f*cked with me and definitely left an impression that has endured for over three decades.

3b. A Nightmare Before Christmas

I was obsessed with the flick when i was young. I remember, very vividly, seeing and advertisement in the now defunct Disney Adventures mini magazine and f*cking needed it. It was a full page add that had the clearest shot of Jack Skellington with a simple and direct message next to him, “Meet Jack.” Yes. Yes i would. Later on, i found out it was based on a Tim Burton story, the guy that gave me Batman and Beetlejuice, so i was totally on board. Nightmare was the first claymation outing for Burton, kind of. There was a Frankenweenie short made years earlier, when he was working for Disney, but that was more a proof of concept, i think. And I'm not even a fat girl with black hair. That’s a Family Guy reference so chill out. Interestingly enough, Nightmare wasn’t originally a Disney film. It was a Touchstone joint because the material was considered too dark for kids. Once this sh*t got it’s Spencers clout, though Disney came a-knockin’. Kind of like how they did with the next entry on this list...

2. Who Framed Roger Rabbit

I cannot stress enough how much i love this film. If i was obsessed with Nightmare, i had a whole ass addiction to Roger Rabbit when i was a kid. I watched this thing as religiously as i watched those old Transformers tapes way back when. I adore this movie for so many reasons. Judge Doom. Jessica Rabbit. Eddie Valiant. All of the sight gags. All of the cartoon cameos. The overall plot. The absolutely unrivaled integration of the animation and live action aspects. Like, to this day, modern films f*ck that sh*t up but this thirty year old outing executes that sh*t to perfection. And it’s f*cking hilarious. Who Framed Roger Rabbit is a straight up masterpiece. Also, much like Nightmare, this started as a Touchstone picture for the same reason Nightmare did. And just like it’s successor, the Mouse House would reclaim it for themselves when the nostalgia made the thing shine bright like the star it always has been.

1. Atlantis: The Lost Empire

Atlantis is my favorite Disney film to date. Every one says it’s bad but i disagree. This thing is a great film, just not cut from that Princess mold which was so popular the decade preceding. See, Disney entered another Dark Age around the time The Hunchback of Notre Dame came out and didn’t break out of that sh*t until Tangled released. Most of the films released during this time; Atlantis, Lilo and Stitch, Treasure Planet, Meet the Robinsons, and The Emperor’s New Groove just to name a few, were all pretty decent in their own right but were nowhere near as successful as the preceding films. I remember Atlantis being absolutely  savaged by critics and it took me years to just sit down and watch it but when i did? Holy sh*t! Atlantis is everything these Hollywood types want in a film nowadays.

Strong female lead who happens to be a woman of color. A sweet, awkward love interest that never overstays his welcome. Fantastic set pieces that really marvel and entertain. A cast of colorful supporting characters that enrich every second they’re on screen together. A sinister f*cking villain who is just plain rotten. A plot that has sincere pathos and real consequence for the world presented in this narrative. F*ckng Atlantis is a goddamn wonder and no one watched it when it first came out because there aren’t any f*cking songs in it. Like, the f*ck? I am SO glad this thing is getting the shine it deserves, even if it’s decades removed. There are whispers of a live action adaption in the works, which would be perfect because Atlantis is a great action flick, with Tom Holland taking the role of Milo. Dude is perfect for that role and has had great practice emulating Michael j. Fox as his Peter Parker is based heavily on Marty McFly. This entry got away from me but i f*cking really, really, love Atlantis: The Lost Empire and absolutely know more people should watch it so they can fall in love with it, too.

Honorable Mentions: Mary Poppins, A Goofy Movie, Oliver and Company, The Sword in the Stone, Big Hero 6, Lilo and Stitch, Alice in Wonderland, The Jungle Book, The Emperor’s New Groove

[mst3kproject]

1108: The Loves of Hercules

I kinda miss the shorts and the black and white films in the new series, but I was happy to see a Hercules movie in the lineup! It feels like MST3K getting back to its roots.  This is a particularly awful Hercules movie, too, short on feats of strength and long on romantic melodrama – and never once does Herc bend prison bars or pretend to drink a love potion!  Get with the program, movie.  Along with napping, those are his defining acts!

An encampment of some sort is attacked by the Ecalian army, who proceed to slaughter everybody there including Hercules' wife Megara.  Hercules naturally goes looking to have a few words with the King of Ecalia about this, but when he arrives at the city he learns that the man is already dead.  If he wants vengeance, it will have to be against the king's daughter, Deianira.  Obviously Herc's not gonna take revenge against a girl for something she didn't even do – instead, he immediately falls in love with her, only to learn a few days later that she's already promised to a man named Achillo.

Herc leaves Ecalia in a huff, and after slaying a hydra even cheaper than the dragon in The Magic Sword, he arrives in the land of the Amazons.  Their queen, Hippolyta, drinks a potion that makes her look like Deianira in order to win Hercules' heart.  He is surprisingly okay with this, and fully prepared to stay with her until she gets sick of him and turns him into a tree... but then he learns that the real Deianira is about to be forced to marry her father's killer.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting here going, “Megara?  The redhead who died in the opening scene?  Remember her?  Anybody?”  Apparently not.

When a female character is killed off so that her death can spur a male character to action, this is colloquially known as 'fridging', after the time Alexandra DeWitt was killed and stuffed into a fridge just to piss off her boyfriend, Green Lantern Kyle Rayner.  Among non-hack writers it is generally frowned upon as both sexist (implying that women's lives are important only insofar as they matter to men) and lazy (there are better, less cliché ways to motivate your character).  This movie's treatment of Megara is one of the purest examples I've ever seen.  She is introduced only so that she can be killed, and killed only to make Hercules go to Ecalia, where he promptly forgets all about her when he meets Deianira.  Megara has served her entire purpose in the first couple of minutes, and is never mentioned again.  One wonders why they bothered paying an actress to play the part.  If she's gonna be that irrelevant, why even show her on screen?

This movie claims be be about The Loves of Hercules, but the fact that it forgets about Megara the moment Hercules meets Deianira makes it seem doubtful that he actually loves either of them. If Megara were so dear to him, surely he would grieve for her a while, rather than immediately wanting to run off with her killer's daughter.  And if he didn't love Megara, to whom he had apparently been married for some time, why should we believe he loves Deianira? He barely knows Deianira... it seems like there's a lot more lust going on there than love, especially when he's so willing to accept Deianira's double in Hippolyta.  We get a Hercules who seems to blunder from woman to woman without a lasting attachment to any of them.

This is the biggest problem with The Loves of Hercules, but it's a long way from the only one.  There's also Mickey Hargitay. I've seen Mickey Hargitay in a couple of films before – besides this one, he was the detective in Lady Frankenstein and Anderson in Bloody Pit of Horror (god, I've seen a lot of terrible movies).  I kind of want to say he was better in those, but now that I think about it I'm pretty sure he was dubbed in both so it's actually quite hard to gague his performance. It's better than in the non-MST3K Loves of Hercules I watched, which was a re-dub in which all the characters were stoic and British.  He does a lot of Dull Surprise™ and postures like he's in a silent film.  His 'feats of strength' do not communicate impressive power – he just looks like a guy struggling to balance a prop tree.

Nor does it help that in comparison with Steve Reeves and Alan Steele, he makes for a relatively skinny and baby-faced Hercules.  Hargitay was 1955's Mr. Universe, and he's certainly in admirable shape, but he's just not up to 'demigod' levels.  He looks like the Hercules Ryan Gosling would have grown up into.  Apparently Hargitay got the role because the studio wanted Jayne Mansfield, and she would only agree to be in the movie if Hargitay, her husband, played Hercules.

Then there's the monsters.  Amusingly crummy monsters are stock-in-trade for a Hercules movie, usually realized by people in ridiculous costumes.  The Loves of Hercules is rather ambitious here.  Rather than giving us a distinctly un-threatening lion or a guy in a lizard-man suit who clearly can't see anything, we get a full-scale three-headed dragon standing in for the Lernaean Hydra!  It is significantly uglier and less mobile than its Russian cousin in The Sword and the Dragon, and looks kind of like one of the animatronics from Disney's Jungle Cruise ride.  It's laugh-out-loud obvious how careful the actors are being not to damage it.

These movies are never very faithful to the source material, so it shouldn't bother me that their 'hydra' bears only the faintest resemblance to its mythological inspiration... but it does.  The hydra is my favourite of Hercules' twelve labors – it's some kind of reptilian monster that Hercules tried to defeat by cutting off its head, only to find that multiple (usually three) heads grew back from each stump.  This makes it an excellent metaphor for a problem that needs to be addressed at its source rather than just having its symptoms brushed under the rug, but it also serves to make a point that most of these movies ignore: Hercules isn't stupid.

The hydra was a monster Hercules could not defeat by brute strength alone – he had to use his strength in a smart way.  In the myth, he burned the neck stumps so that they couldn't heal, then dipped his arrows in the hydra's venom to make them extra-deadly to all the monsters he'd have to fight later.  The Disney version actually kept the spirit of this idea even as they changed the ending.  Without a torch on hand, Hercules instead brings down a cliff on top of the hydra, trapping it under tons of rock that he can escape from, but it can't.  This is sort of the inverse of my point from a few reviews back about brains and hands: brains aren't much good without strength to do the work, but strength also isn't much good without a brain to direct it.  By making the hydra a creature Hercules can just stab to death, the episode loses all its meaning.

A lot is also lost from our impression of Hercules' intelligence, which wasn't exactly riding high anyway after he seems unable to remember more than one woman at a time.

Finally, of course, there's The Loves of Hercules' other monster and supreme What The Fuck moment, the Totally Random Sasquatch.  It was only on the second viewing that I realized this was supposed to be the 'monster Alcyone' the peasants mentioned rustling their cattle.  When describing him to Hercules and Deianira before the stampede, they call Alcyone a thief before they call him a monster, and use the word 'monster' in such a way that it seems like a metaphorical description of a human thug, rather than a literal one of Bigfoot.  With the cattle stampede and everything that follows to distract me, I'd forgotten all about Alcyone by the time we actually met him, and the sudden arrival of an ape-man seemed to come completely out of the blue.

In fact, even after realizing the connection, this is a weird, weird moment.  What is Alcyone even supposed to be?  The closest thing I can come up with to Bigfoot in standard Greek mythology is a satyr, but Alcyone is even less satyr-like than Torgo.  The writer Hanno the Navigator referred to a tribe of savage ape-men who supposedly lived around Sierra Leone, which he says the natives called gorillai (yes, this is where we get the word), but that's a long way from Greece and the story is fairly obscure.  As far as I can tell, Alcyone is exactly what Jonah and the bots first took him for: a totally random Sasquatch.  Between him, Cry Wilderness, Om the Caveman, and Gulfax the Poodle-Wookiee, I think we can officially dub Season 11 the Bigfoot Season.

As long as I'm here, 'Alcyone' is a girl's name in Greek.  It refers to a type of bird.

The Loves of Hercules is pretty competently made in most respects.  Even with some of the shortcomings in the casting, acting, and effects, it could have fallen into the 'hokey but charming' category, if only it hadn't forgotten about Megara.  The way she simply ceases to exist, as if women are like shirts and you can just pick a new one when you lose the old (or something similar if the one you originally wanted is no longer available), gives a very poor impression of both Hercules and the writers and makes it difficult to really get into the romances that follow.  In a film about the loves of Hercules, that's a fatal mistake.

[katerinaaqu]

I'm confused with people who say retellings can't be faithful bc "nobody understands the culture or norms of that time" so? Nobody understands the culture of another country in the world as well, does that stop them from watching movies produced by foreign countries? Reading translated books about their literature and poetry? Why are you still capable of reading classic literature from your country that exist before your grandparents was born but draw the line with ancients literature?

Some culture in the world still maintained lores and folktales of their ancestors that wayyy divorced from their present culture and they have no problem understanding it. Heck, indigenous culture still keep their thousands of years traditions alive and capable to adapt with contemporary standards. What even is that excuse?

I am as confused as you are Anon because I still fail to see how is fucking up a story to the point of being unrecognizable is magically going to make people familiar with the culture it came from? Heck I even heard people use as an excuse

"But they won't even research the source anyways when they watch it"

And I am like "er...Helooooo? That is even worse!" If you claim that your audience will rely only to the thing you create is one more reason for you to be accurate and give them an experience close to the source material. And yeah even I who grew up with these stories didn't know how to analyze them till I was taught about them at school. Before I was reading about it or hearing about it. You do not need to make a literary analysis to the movie to appreciate it.

For real! And if "people not understand" gives you an excuse to destroy classical stories then why are they complaining on the "stereotyped" Hollywood movies of the past? Why are they complaining on comics like let's say Lucky Luke for portraying indigenous americans in a ridiculous way? (And those comics were ridiculous in the first place. They were not even supposed to be taken seriously just like Disney Hercules or Monty Python movies). Can't the creators of those comics say "oh people are not familiar with native American culture so we can do whatever we want with it". How is that not okay but screwing over greek mythology for DECADES is perfectly fine!? This double standsrd gets me angry more than anything

If old Hollywood was terrible for doing what it did then why are you doing the same to mythology and history? And if it is not unacceptable to do it in the present using this excuse then why old Hollywood is so evil and needs to be corrected? Is one or another.