#like come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn i dont enjoy the drama of this

[capnmarvell]

I’m frustrated, so I’m going to thought dump here. If anyone is interested, feel free to read on. I also don’t bite, so if you have any words of wisdom, or want to chime in, feel free to message me, comment on this, whatever.

I’ve been a pretty confident person for a good chunk of time. For a fat girl being raised in a family that constantly likes to talk about me losing weight, that’s a big accomplishment lol Along with that, I have a pretty good idea of my own self worth and what I deserve, etc etc

8 months ago I got dumped. And that shit? hurted. Like a lot. I took a HUGE chance on this guy, because he broke my heart before. He kept me from meeting his friends and family, he never said he loved me, it was basically just fucking and going out on nice dates. We had been going out for a year and half and I broke up with him because I had it! I was tried of feeling like he was ashamed of me, like I was still some “secret” bs. I knew I deserved more.

I tried dating again, was single for like 3 months, and then he wanted to talk. He said he realized he was in love with me, and he wanted what I wanted. He would introduce me to his family, and bring me to his friends wedding, and we would be serious. And so BAM. I gave him another chance.

Not even a year goes by. He still hasn’t introduced me to his family, despite all the major “family meeting” holidays passing. We’d argued about it and he basically admitted to lying about meeting his family, as he thinks I “can’t handle” meeting them.

Then he tells me he doesn’t love me anymore. and he breaks up with me.

Like...not even a year after he tells me he’s in love with me, and wants what I want. and I just feel so stupid. I was so in love with this guy, planning our futures together, when we would move in together, budgeting to take that dream trip to Europe in 2 years, envisioning wedding plans and when would be appropriate to start trying for a baby.

and it’s just gone. All done.

So I start moving on again. It was harder this time. I think I cried to every single one of my friends. and my entire family, including brothers-in-laws, and nieces and nephews, all heard me sobbing my eyes out after it happened (he broke up with me outside of my house during my nephew’s 12th birthday party). But eventually it got better.

I’ve been on dating apps, gone on a few dates too, got sexually harassed/assaulted by one dude on a dating app (that was horribly scarring but i digress) and now all those feelings for this guy are kind of like a dull numbness of the memory of love, like with my first boyfriend when I was 15.

and like...I’m hella a whore. Like I am 100000% pro hookups and 1 night stands, because I’ve always been really great at separating sex from emotions. So when my ex made it clear he would be down for sex, and I don’t have a problem with it. So we hook up. No big deal for me.

and that’s kind of on and off for the last few months. I don’t really care much. Apparently, he cared?

He texted me - TEXTED ME - drunk at 1am “I’m still in love with you. You’re the only girl for me. I’m so sorry.”

and I LAUGH. I call him, LAUGHING, and I ask “How drunk are you that you’re saying this bullshit?”

and he’s OFFENDED. He goes “I’m not that drunk. I just wanted to say it.” and he asks me to come over. I tell him absolutely not. He begs me to come over the next night to talk. I tell him fine.

So I stop by after work and I ask him what is going on and he just shrugs and said he doesn’t know what to say.

and I stormed out. TWICE. I kept coming back to yell at him for wasting my time. and the third time I ask him why the hell he told me that.

and he shrugs and says yes, he was drunk when he said it and he shouldnt have said but it when drunk but that doesnt make what he said a lie. He said he really does feel like that.

and I just shrugged and asked what he wants to do about that.

And he said he was aware he hasn’t been fair to me (but also to be fair, I’ve been using him for meaningless sex for 5 months) and he has a lot of issues he needs help with, and he’s made arrangements to start seeing a therapist.

and I told him that was great, because when we dated I wanted to talk to him about seeing a therapist.

But like I said...my feelings for him are like...a dull numbness. If anything, he’s like a friend at this point. I’m glad he’s getting help, but do I really want to entertain this idea of getting back with him? I don’t even think I could trust him after he lied about me meeting his family and then 10 months go by and nothing. and I don’t even have an explanation as to what his “falling out of love” thing from back in January was about, so how the fuck do I just “believe” he loves me? Like???? You understand, right? He woke up and just said “oh i don’t love you anymore, this is over.” and now he’s like “I love you. I was wrong.” ????? IT MAKES NO SENSE. and he’s given me no explanation.

Like I know what I deserve. I deserve someone who doesn’t break my heart multiple times, and who I trust wholeheartedly. I get it relationships have ups and downs, and you stick by the person you love “no matter what” but this?? I mean, he’s unpredictable and I’m not really on board with that.

Like I hate the idea of being like “Hey, dude, I’m honored you love me, but you burned the shit out of me. I can’t just go back. But still friends?” cuz I just haaaaaaaate being the one to do that stuff.

This girl at work was talking to me, and said it would be different if he had reached out after he had been in therapy for a good chunk of time. and you know, I agree. If he already began working on himself, with some therapy sessions under his belt to help with his demons, then it might be different. I might be okay with a date or two.

But he hasn’t even gone yet. He’s just made the appointment. I have no idea if he’ll keep going.

and also, he didn’t ask to get back together. He just told me he loves me, and he’s gonna see a therapist, and that’s it.

So this is just me, thinking over if I would want to get back with him after he’s gone to therapy to figure this out.

and overall, I don’t think I want to. Not yet. I need change. Not saying something, and that’s it. At this point, his words are meaningless.

It’s like that quote facebook moms always like to share. “The best apology is changed behavior.”

Like he can tell me he loves me as much as he wants. It’s like...he’s barely changed. That’s not gonna win me back.

I’m a prize, damn it. Like...literally every guy I’ve dated have all said I’m an incredible girlfriend. Even my abusive ex from when I was 19. I know my worth. It’s like a report card and all my teachers keep putting the “pleasure to have in class” comment over and over lol BUT ANYWAY

I know my worth. and I just feel like I’m worth way more than a guy who’s broken my heart multiple times.