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sunlit-mess · 8 months ago

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consumed by the inevitable

#messyr #you know- I kept thinking: One day. The cage will be open but I feel like I'll stay. Because if I run- I'd wind up dead from their bullet #so I just- tend to- follow as much as I want to rebel and put sense into this fuckass household. I hate seeing the others in pain as well #and it hurts more that it feels like I can NEVER be the one to break this cycle of abuse- when I knew from the start- when I knew too much #but here I am ending up like the rest of them- helpless and unable to do jackshit about the situation. I cant say or do anything at all!#I dont want to end up like them- if anything I want to BREATHE- i want all of us to LIVE without this pain that has existed for generations #I want to help so bad no matter how much I know I am unloved.#no matter how much hate i carry- no matter how much burden- Underneath it all- I'm devoted to them- that's how fucked up I am #i know i'll never be enough. I know how often I think of death and wish it.#But I have a dream to achieve and I am not planning to die until I reach it. Not yet. If pain is where I strive best then so be it.#doodle #vent art #artists on tumblr #bpd #toxic behavior #learned helplessness

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claraoswalds · 1 year ago

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The Girl Who Died // Hell Bent

#dwedit #doctor who #usertennant #userveronika #userteri #twelfth doctor #clara oswald #doctor x clara #twelveclara #*#I'M SICK OF LOSING PEOPLE. LOOK AT YOU WITH YOUR EYES AND YOUR NEVER GIVING UP AND YOUR ANGER AND YOUR KINDNESS.#ONE DAY THE MEMORY OF THAT WILL HURT SO MUCH THAT I WON'T BE ABLE TO BREATHE AND I'LL DO WHAT I ALWAYS DO.#I'LL GET IN MY BOX AND I'LL RUN AND I'LL RUN IN CASE ALL THE PAIN EVER CATCHES UP. AND EVERY PLACE I GO IT WILL BE THERE.#anyway idk if this makes sense outside of my head but the journey between like #she might meet someone she can't bear to lose -> gives her a second repair kit so she can make someone else immortal too ->#he can't bear to lose clara -> he brings her back from the dead which makes her functionally immortal ->#look how far i went for fear of losing you #ok actually i need to make a full parallel set. someone remind me to do that

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jokzs · 4 months ago

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#i read this engiespy fic coughs (there's things that you swore you'd never do) coughs RIGHT before my autism official diagnosis test #so it deserves my dumb art #im so damn sure ill score a 100 on that !!#my head hurts so much i feel like theres some mistakes in this doodle but it's like. midnight and i can barely see anything.#couldnt even reread the fic too literally on my deathbed holding my stylus with a shaking hand on my last dying breath #tf2 #team fortress 2 #tf2 spy #tf2 engineer #engiespy #practical espionage #spy head tf2 #my art #jokz doodles

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moeblob · 9 months ago

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You know, when I kept getting asked "so you didn't ever have severe pains before now?" in the hospital and I kept replying "I have a high pain tolerance" I meant it. However, there is only so much pain my tiny 4'9" body can hold... (aka I am sweating and in agony bc I'm getting told to use LESS severe pain meds so I don't rely on them too much and it is AWFUL)

#moe talks a lot #i was shaking earlier and despite the fact i sound like im gonna cry #and the fact that my mom can pick out im about to cry from pain bc im trying to take less pain meds #LIKE MY MOM IS INSTRUCTING ME TO DO #shes like well why arent you taking any pain meds #BECAUSE THERE ARE TWO AVAILABLE OPTIONS AND ON A SIX HOUR TIMER #i cant take both at once or else what happens to me if i hurt before the six hours is up #i have to manage them in a way that allows me to benefit from both and being told im doing it wrong #after being told well its your fault it got so bad because you never complained about pain before #YEAH NO JOKE? REALLY? I NEVER DID? because everyone acts like im too young to feel that kinda pain #oh youre hurting? just wait until youre older #and its currently agony to breathe again but that i guess is also my fault bc im trying to use pain meds #holy moly i just want to not get dizzy standing up cause wow dang #sure would be nice if the multiple incisions in my stomach didnt THROB every time i sneezed or coughed or cleared my throat #but since i didnt use much pain meds before because i would be mocked for being too much of a baby its like #welp damn now i could really use some and im being called out for being too reliant #anyway time to sleep more because that means im not noticing my pain #im literally smaller than most children and so i do understand my body size makes people worried about the medication intake #but can i please just go a day without being asked how much im taking or when i last took it or if im gonna cry #anyway sorry for the excessive rant today never really had surgery or anything so this is brand spankin new suffering

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possamble · 7 months ago

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I'm not allowed to be on social media for more than two seconds today but I just wanted to say that Laios will absolutely have his own reaction to all this as someone who would die for Falin but has also imprinted on Marcille as his Emotional Support Comphet White Girl Not-Girlfriend along the way

#a little creature #sometimes i look at the way i want marcille to be the closest thing hes ever had to a girlfriend but in a 100% platonic way and im like #is this what they mean by queerplatonic or have i just never had a dude best friend who wasnt like. a super fruity gay twink #anyway its gonna be as hard on him as it is for us bc he loves them both so much #the most important women in his life bar none #marcille probably slapped him when she got back tho. like she just saw his face and all the misdirected anger at him 'taking falin' just #rose up and burst again #its ok tho. you know she immediately broke down crying in his arms again blubbering incoherently bc she felt bad but also shes still mad #and she just doesnt know what to do with herself #the hardest part about this fic is that like. there are SO many juicy things going on offscreen #but. i have to breathe deep and keep calm and let them happen out of falin's POV #the ryoko kui method. what happens in the story happens and what happens outside can be explored in extras if need be #edit: also just figured out why ive been chafing a *little* bit against ppl assuming that it's the fear of falin dying that motivated #marcille's denial of her feelings so far #bc it's technically true but something just didn't sit right and i didn't wanna say anything until i figured it out #in little creature she has in part already realized that falin's passing is going to hurt no matter what she does right now #bc she's already passed the threshold of preemptive grief and sealed her own fate by how much she cares about falin #so it's not really... about that as much as it would have been during the canon story #it's just that. to acknowledge that she has romantic feelings for falin means recontextualizing their relationship in a way where #she has been the one hopelessly chasing while falin didn't realize/ignored her for the most part #and she couldnt allow that to be true both bc she couldnt bear to make falin the 'villain' in her love story #and bc she subconsciously knew the scope of pain would be too much for her to handle #so now my problem is. how do i make that clear in the fic from falin's POV without getting too heavy handed about it

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skunkes · 4 months ago

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not an ask, but I saw ur post and relate a lot to it.

anticipatory grief sucks. people will tell you not to think about it, not to let it steal from today, but some days are just so hard. sometimes it feels unavoidable, like it’s some goliath mountain in the distance or even the sky and you can’t not look at it. it’s like you have to keep trying to distract yourself not to think about it, and it’s exhausting, and you’re so fucking scared of the inevitable.

like how does anyone even function? the idea of the world continuing to spin when there’s this terrible, horrible thing that will happen some day is unfathomable but it does, and it’s horrible. Some day will mark the before and the after. nobody can ever be ready for it.

I hope the love you have keeps you strong. wishing you the best.

this is literally it. i know thinking about it Now wont make the actual day it happens any easier. but it's impossible to not think about it, especially since there's no tangible way to preserve memories or feelings or the like forever. i cry easily and get emotional over most anything and everything, which is another layer of difficulty wrt it because I spiral. I want to squeeze out of my body. im not meant for any of it

#skunk mail #Anonymous #ill be in a car with my dad fighting tears thinking about how ill miss it one day and there's no way for my brain to capture the moment and #make a simulation of it. and even then that wouldnt help. ykwim #sometimes i sit in my parents room while my parents and brother are there and i cant stop thinking about when ill see them for the last tim #and how i wish i could full really truly wring every last drop of ''appreciation'' from the moment.#i think about that time isnt linear thing. how everything that has happened or will happen exists on its own #and i think about the cheye experiencing the After tragedy. and i cant handle it. not now or then. i envy the past cheye #even the one of 5 seconds ago. because that was 5 seconds ive lost. 5 seconds closer to events that will #separate my life into Before and After. over and over again #(like you said anon. i think abt that all the time too)#i think this is also why im struggling with the thought of moving out #we all have so little time. dont even get me started on the fear and grief i feel for my own life #not only fearing dying but fearing the lead up where ive lost and cried over much. just me. alone.#ill never see them again. it will never be today again. we'll never be in my parents room like today again. i cant take it.#even if i spend every last second with everybody i still wont be able to take it. i cant believe it #human beings that were all somebody's baby once. tomorrow it will be like they were never here at all. all their memories #go with them. it hurts so bad. i cant take it #i cant even breathe rn ruminating abt it *peace sign emoji*

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bakaramia · 8 months ago

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Vox no matter what the ppl on twitter do to you you will always be the overcompensating insecure tsundere baby I saw and fell in love with the first time I watched Hazbin.

#The way I was like ‘OH NO HE’S AN INSECURE TSUNDERE’ when he first showed up and I loved him so fast #The gap moe is so real #I love him so much he’s such a compelling and interesting character #I love characters who overcompensate trying to act cool and in control who are actually so awkward and insecure and just rlly need to be #Taken care of by someone #You act so sharp and confident but your face betrays you type thing I loVE that #You can act like you’re unaffected and in control but you wear your heart on your sleeve and it’s bleeding #Forcing a smile taking a deep breath letting your childishness get the better of you #Floundering off balance unsure playing at confidence you don’t feel #Too afraid to make the first move too nervous to see him again so you hide in your room away from things that can hurt you #Spending all your time saying ‘look at me look at me’ while you shutter yourself away from the world so no one can ACTUALLY see you

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idk-bruh-20 · 2 years ago

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Irondad fic ideas #125

AU where Thanos never happened and the Rogues eventually return. They've been pardoned and they're supposed to get the team back together, but there's still tension. A lot has changed.

Tony has told them repeatedly to never call in Spider-Man for backup. Steve doesn't understand or approve. He assumes Tony is just holding a grudge, trying to keep this new, obviously powerful recruit on his own side.

One day, Tony is caught up in SI business somewhere when a mission comes up, and they need extra hands. Steve decides to call in Spider-Man.

At first the mission goes smoothly, but then of course things take a turn. All hell breaks loose.

Tony taps into comms not long after to tell them he's on his way. He's left his meeting and is flying as fast as he can, though he's still a long way out. Somehow, Tony figures out that Peter is there. (Maybe he overhears Peter quipping, maybe Steve casually references Spider-Man.)

One way or another, he figures it out. He goes deadly quiet, then switches to a private comm with just Steve.

Tony is betrayed, aggravated, terrified and trying to bury it (and not doing a very good job), and honestly kind of bitter and insulted that Steve can't hear his obvious fear. Steve is annoyed at Tony's childish stubbornness, assumes the man is just mad at things not going his way. Still in the midst of battle, he dismisses Tony's concerns.

Then, Spider-Man gets hurt. Bad. Tony had already been frantically trying to get there faster when he heard the kid was there, but he still doesn't arrive in time.

At some point -- maybe there on the battlefield, maybe later in med bay when Steve arrives to chew Tony out for leaving with Spider-Man instead of staying to help -- at some point it becomes abundantly clear that Peter is Tony's son.

(Bio, adopted, emotional, doesn't matter)

It becomes clear that Tony wasn't making Spider-Man off-limits for selfish reasons. Steve, blinded by his own view of Tony, was unbelievably wrong.

It turns out, he had just been trying to keep his son safe.

Bonus:

If the reveal does happen later in med bay, there could even be a moment after the battle where Steve, fuming about Tony's lack of help and general inability to be a team player, is intercepted by Rhodey.

Maybe Rhodey arrived just after Tony (flying from the same meeting, but Tony freaked out and raced ahead) and then stuck around to help finish the fight. His reaction to Steve's unempathetic and baseless reading of his best friend is stone cold.

Bonus 2:

Steve fails to notice or understand Rhodey's meaning. Then he gets to med bay and is faced with the image of Tony holding a sleeping Peter on the hospital bed, glaring right across the room at him.

Both of them completely aware of what Steve had assumed, all these years, about the kind of person Tony was

#irondad fic ideas #nearly every fic idea I write: @ steve get rekt #sorry to anyone who is team steve #I actually don't have as much of a problem with him as it probably seems #I just see him spend every mcu breath being mean to my guy and I'm like instant kill mode ACTIVATED #irondad and spiderson #iron dad and spider son #tony stark #peter parker #rogue avengers #endgame who?#queueueueue #weekly reminder that i love you all but am too busy to be human :)#fic ideas still postponed but you can send asks if you want i just won't see them for a while #see announcements #if injured peter doesn't get tony to climb on the hospital bed with him to just hold him in your hurt/comfort fic then what's the point

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some-pers0n · 1 month ago

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Thank fucking god actually I'm on break right now because if I had to go to lectures and labs and god forbid take tests in this condition I'd be dead on the floor I'm so incredibly serious right now

#THE AGONY #THE UNBEARABLE AGONNNYYYY #sp-rambles #My fucking chest my sides my legs my arms my abdomen my head my head my head everything hurts everything aches #What plague did I receive from that plane ride because I swear to god this is like some medieval torture method of a virus #Apologizes for the unjolly behaviour but god in heaven I am in so much pain #My chest feels like a tick about to burst and my abdomen feels like glass and steel wool is tearing everything to shreds #My head is swimming my heart is pounding I can't tell you how many times I've been convinced that I was having a heart attack #I can't move too much less it gets Worse #I can't eat I can't sleep I can barely drink and it's only really been water and peppermint tea #I'm so...tired. I just want like a nice dinner and a good sleep and to breathe again for once

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wearecrowley · 1 year ago

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