#like all of the ones ive talked about in any meaningful capacity

[hattiestgal]

SHOW ME YOUR LINEUP!!! 🫵🫵🫵💖

Oh boy oh boy!!!

Riley Foxglove (They/It/She): Fennec fox full of trauma and mischief. My sona, and the menace of Little Pocket. Bassist and vocalist for her band, BOY GIRL MISCHIEF! (<3 with Violette)

Violette Burrows (She/Her): Rat equally full of trauma, but also goth sass. Finally feels like she found home after an entire childhood spent traveling the country with her parents for business. Car mechanic and drummer for BOY GIRL MISCHIEF (<3 with Riley)

Omen Poe (He/They): Raven that is very much the falco type. Employee of a local hobby shop, tsundere but if you called them that they'd punch you, and the biggest egg you'll ever meet. Guitarist for BOY GIRL MISCHIEF! (<3 with Finnegan)

Finnegan Oakes (He/Him): Red fox soft kind boy. Wildlife photographer and trumpet player, and the carrier of many family legacies. Has a bit of an obsession with with historical aircraft, despite being avidly against war. A baker at heart (<3 with Omen)

Alex Lyn (She/Him): Spotted hyena washed out uni student who's finally figuring out his life. Avid hockey player, occasional strongman competition participant and ever sleepy. (<3 with Harlow)

Harlow Reese (They/It/Xe): Black cat equally washed out on uni, but being so silly about it. A complete nerd and appreciator of butches. Occasionally competes in super smash brothers competitions, but otherwise generally collects old obscure manga and video games (<3 with Alex)

Jack Foxglove (He/Any): Wolf tired gayboy, and older brother of Riley. A kind soul looking to help others by studying to become a therapist. Very full of punk swag and an absolute role model all round

Cake (She/It): Shiba inu girlthing. Consumer of many burgers and knower of an absurd amount of obscure facts about early generation game consoles. Collects a wide variety of retro games

Kiera (She/Her): Dragon sleazy cursed artifacts saleswoman. Actually the result of a god's divine punishment turned gender euphoria. While what she sells is cursed, she more realizes peoples fantasies while delivering justice to those who abuse their money

Lizzy (She/They): Taur arctic fox and the result of one of Kieras cursed artifact sales. Originally down on her luck, becoming a taur allowed her to capitalize on the novelty of being one to attract customers for a wide variety of services. Often appears at parties and is very well fed.

Lucy Diggs (He/Him): Rabbit loaded to the BRIM with trauma. Caught in a world constantly at war, given a new headmate with lightning powers and then quickly thrusted into the spot of figurehead for a freedom fighting rebellion to topple the system that perpetuates it he's being so brave about it.

Allison Dudz (She/Any): Albino alligator ex military soldier and mech pilot. Holds down a refuge in the abyss for those who walk it. Is actively on the run by a military force called ELIAS and the sort of kind of parental figure for Lucy. Another figurehead in the rebellion

(Currently Unnamed) (She/Her): Grey cat full of yuri related injuries. Also ex military but then she like kinda joined back in a way under a new name. Fought her way up the ranks to become the head of ELIAS

VUL-TURE (It/Its): Robot bounty hunter thats also a bit of a girlthing. Sucks at its job like really badly but tries its best. Has tried to assassinate the head of ELIAS twice to absolutely no avail

Scribley (It/Any/All/Your Pronouns): ??? BADASS AND INSANE. A BEING BEYOND GODHOOD MADE OF PURE MAGIC. UNSTOPPABLE BY ANY KNOWN MEANS

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi again, its the same anon from this ask: https://www.tumblr.com/traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors/724050014752686080/hello-im-not-sure-what-im-looking-for-i-would?source=share

im in a bad space again and i dont really have anyone i can talk to, so while i still feel a bit guilty for dumping my problems on here, i figured it would be okay since you dont have any obligations to me.

thank you in advance, i really appreciated the response to my last ask.

trigger/content warnings: general depressive thoughts, gender dysphoria

first of all, sorry if this ask is all over the place. if im being honest, im not entirely sure about anything really. like what it is that i want, what im thinking and trying to say, what i feel even. i guess it makes sense though, because the past year or two - and even moreso the past several months - have been just overall confusing and overwhelming for me. im not sure about my place in the world anymore. not that i ever really was, i guess, but back then i at least had goals or some thoughts and ideas about what i wanted to do in life. now though, i dont have anything. i dropped out of school and quit my job. i lost most of my friends and i cant find it in me to talk to the ones i still sort of have. for a month or two i even convinced myself i was a lesbian because in some ways it was way easier than being a gay trans man, which is what ive gone back to identifying as. im not even sure why i tried to tell myself i was a lesbian and not a man, because even when i was telling people i was, it felt so wrong and uncomfortable. i felt dysphoric even worse than before and i still do.

while my gender dysphoria is still a really big struggle, i feel like the other things are more pressing. im not even sure how to describe it. its every symptom of depression down to the t but it feels different to me somehow? the past several months feel like theyve gone by so fast and i feel like ive missed so much. like ive missed the chance to make my life worth it. i know it sounds stupid because the teenage years arent even half of most people's lives but im almost 18 now and i feel like ive ruined my chances at ever being happy, of ever being worth something. i truly dont see myself ever doing something worth while and im so mad at myself for throwing my life away. i wish so bad that i could go back to high school and just tough it out. i wish even more that i couldve just been born a boy, somehow i think everything wouldve been better. i lose so much sleep over it. i feel like im grieving for a life i couldve lived. i never even got the chance to grow up as a boy and it makes me feel like nothing else is worth it.

theres so much more thats eating away at me but i feel bad for having already said so much. again im not really sure what im looking for, i guess just comfort? some kind of reminder to give me a little hope.

- maverick (signing my name because ill probably come back to vent again)

Hi maverick,

I'm sorry to hear about how things have been for you recently. It's clear from your message that you've been going through a lot, including struggles with your gender identity, depression, and a sense of lost time and opportunities. It's important to remember that you're not alone in these feelings, and many people go through periods of uncertainty in their lives. It's okay to feel confused and overwhelmed at times. The journey of self-discovery and understanding one's identity and place in the world can be incredibly complex and challenging.

It's important to remember that your gender identity is a deeply personal aspect of who you are, and it's entirely valid. It's not uncommon for individuals to question and explore their gender identity before finding what feels most authentic to them. It's a process, and it's okay if it takes time to fully understand and accept.

It's easy to feel hopeless at your age, but it's important to recognize that you still have the capacity to create a meaningful and fulfilling life ahead. Life is a nonlinear journey, and it's never too late to pursue your goals and find happiness. Also please know that it's natural to grieve the childhood you never got to have as a trans person, and this can be especially common in experiencing gender dysphoria. But it may be helpful to instead focus on your ability to live the life you want to live in the present.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you navigate depression, gender dysphoria and other challenges you're facing. Please know that seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional can be an important step in finding comfort and hope during difficult times. You don't have to go through this alone, and there are people who care about your well-being.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[wackpedion]

something i forgot to touch on cuz i kinda just spit this one out with no thought: like, depresion just really does rob you of anything to talk about. hobbys? chances are you havent engaged with them in any meaningful capacity in a long while. because of the depression. nothing to talk about there. interests? chances are you've got no passion for them, because of the. depression. what you did today? well theres a high chance you just rotted in bed all day, because of the depression. talk about howve you been? well its been shit. and as ive said you cant just talk about how things are shitty all the time because nobody will want to talk to you. so yeah

i dont feel like i hear people talking about how isolating depression is, in how it makes talking to people so hard. not necessarily because we dont want to or don't have the energy for it, but just. what do we talk about? because when you feel depressed, you feel horrible, and often times theres always something bad happening to make it all the worse, but societal conventions just. doesn't allow you to talk about that. you cant be negative all the time, its frowned upon. people dont like it. you'll be called pessimistic and negative, people wont want to be around you, etc. etc. and you can't even blame them.

this makes it just all the harder dealing with it because i WANT to talk to my friends! I WANT to tell them about my day and how ive been! but because I don't have anything to say about my day aside from how ive been feeling like shit, and when ive said things of similiar tunes the last 8 times ive tried to start a conversation or make small talk, its better to just keep my mouth shut and not talk to them at all. its honestly just all the more depressing. i constantly have to tiptoe around how i feel or straight up stop talking to people because theyre going to get sick of me and leave me if i dont. its happened before. being depressed basically forces you into isolation whether you like it or not

[golbrocklovely]

now yall saying im new here and im nosy??? ive been here since 2018 sorry i dont know every single girl colby has been with yall are the nosy ones... and i dont care or want to know who yall are talking about its just annoying that yall are gatekeeping and saying yall dont want to give them attention and then keep talking about them it doesn't make sense

against probably my better judgement, i'm not gonna block you.

i will however turn off anon, because i'm done getting yelled out or belittled for having opinions or doing things in a way that others don't like. if you want to discuss or say the same thing to me with your username in full display, by all means, do so.

first off, i know i wasn't the one that called you nosy, but... you are nosy. WE ALL ARE. that's why any of the asks i get are gossip for the most part. we all want to know the deets that go on behind the scenes. some of you truly think i know what happens with colby, but in all honesty i don't. this was all meant to be fun and silly, bc again... NONE OF THIS INFORMATION IS IMPORTANT.

we're literally talking about whether or not colby has hooked up with someone. it's 1000% not deep or meaningful of a discussion at all.

and no offense, but you obviously care bc you keep messaging me about it. and i think the person meant you were new to this fanbase, the tumblr fanbase, not the fandom as a whole.

also, it can't be gatekept if it easily researchable, like you said it is.

and both you and the other anon are a little too hung up on the attention part and not on the part where i say i block out ppl's names so they don't get hate.

here, would you like to know all the girls colby has been connected to and assumed to have been with in some capacity? i've complied a list.

amber

shea

rosalie

halle

jessica

greta

stas

natalie

tanya

lilly

dana

iris

sara

andrea

bri

kayla

veronica

cara

arzaylea

aubrey

some of the ppl in this list aren't real, but i guess you're gonna have to figure that one out for yourself. i might have even missed some too, or purposefully left others off.

or who knows, maybe i'm lying.

and with that, anonymous is officially off :)

[donnerpartyofone]

idk if you've talked about it, probably have. but if you don't mind to again, ketamine injections for depression? did it work? was it expensive? how long did it work for? ty.

dang, i never got a notification for this message. sorry! ketamine absolutely worked for the management of my depression, it was very expensive, and i think i would have needed more for it to become a longer term solution. i may still go back in the future if my lifestyle changes, but for right now, i can’t justify the cost--which is an insane thing to say when what i’m paying for is freedom from hurting myself, but, ya know, CAPITALISM. 

the whole story is, i’ve been severely depressed my whole entire life; i don’t have any memories that don’t involve feeling morbidly upset, and i can remember things pretty sharply from the time i was slightly younger than 2.* i took ketamine recreationally some years ago when i was around 30 (i wasn’t adventurous about substances until i reached about that age), and i was totally astounded by how it affected my depression both during, and for weeks after the experience. it seemed to distance me from the oppressively immediacy of my bad feelings, giving me space to actually THINK about what was really bothering me, what kind of control i could have over how i assign importance and authority to things that don’t serve me, and what i might like my life to be like in the future. so, when i found out that there were ketamine clinics in new york, i kind of freaked out. actually, i found out about it from a guy who i met on an ayahuasca retreat upstate (which is its own hilariously mortifying story that i’ve been trying to write down for years and it keeps turning into a big unwieldy novel), who had been through the entire gamut of treatments for major depressive disorder. he liked his ketamine experience, but admitted that it was prohibitively expensive to keep up.

this is the place i went, and i recommend it to anyone who can afford it:

nyketamine.com

they say that they accept patients selectively, if you have treatment-resistant depression. i don’t know how strict they are about that, because by the time i came to them, i was looking pretty treatment-resistant. i’d been in and out of a few shrinks’ offices, and i’m basically incapable of taking any of the usual antidepressants because of how they affect other conditions i have. the process was, i filled out a request form on their website, and in a day or two, a clinician called to interview me over the phone about the character of my depression, and to gather some other anecdotal information about my history and health. the person i spoke to was very kind, attentive, and reassuring. the following day, someone called to set my first appointment. the whole reason i was able to do this is because of some inheritance that i received at the time; it’s $450 a session, and they suggest (or insist? i’m not sure) that you begin with a minimum of 6 sessions, each of them 2 days apart. after that, you just kind of monitor yourself to see when you think you need pickup sessions; the effect is cumulative and long term. i have no idea if they have any type of sliding scale accommodation, it could be worth asking.

when i went in for my first session, i had a brief interview with the head doctor, a navy veteran and anesthesiologist who had been working with ketamine in various capacities for 50 years. he explained a lot of things that i had no idea about, that were great to learn. periods of prolonged stress, especially while your brain is still developing, can result in a deficit of the neural pathways that you need to experience a full range of emotion; essentially, being chronically depressed and anxious can kind of give you brain damage. if you have that type of problem, it doesn’t matter what you do to try to boost your serotonin or dopamine or whatever; it’s like if you’re trying to get somewhere in your car and you can’t, not because you’re out of gas, but because the bridge is out. for some reason, ketamine switches back on the function that builds those pathways, so with regular therapeutic applications, you can actually heal the structural problem around your mood centers that’s reducing your emotional range to anxiety and depression. if you’re over 60 or so and your brain is less plastic, your chances of success aren’t as good as when you’re younger, but there’s always a chance; also, for some reason, ketamine plays especially well with estrogen, so women have a bit of a leg up. anyway, the doctor was great, and i really liked everyone there; it felt like they all knew they were doing something meaningful.

the sessions themselves are pleasant. they put you in a private room in a big cushy medical chair with a blanket and a pillow, and you let them know if you want the lights on or off. they give you an IV drip that lasts roughly an hour, and they communicate with you to figure out the dosage. you basically just tell them what feels comfortable, if the dosage they start you on is too low to notice. you won’t get something that puts you in a K hole, but you should enter a gentle dissociative state where you feel a little numb and floaty, and you might have a lot of interesting abstract thoughts. the worst part of it is just how bad you have to pee by the time the drip is done, when you’re still feeling a little anesthetized; sometimes i wound up looking at the bag with my flashlight to check if i had finished, and then i’d just press the call button to get them to come unplug me before i pissed my pants.

you’re not supposed to necessarily notice a difference right away, but you should detect a change in mood after a few weeks. i did. the way my disorder works is, most days i just have a low level background radiation of sadness and exhaustion, even on a “good day” when things are working out or i’m distracted by things i enjoy. when i wake up in the morning and realize i’m conscious and the time for sleep is over, my first feeling is disappointment, 100% of the time. then, i’d say roughly once a month or once every couple of months, i have a complete nervous collapse where i’m in so much pain i can’t really do anything but like drool and cry and let my eyes go out of focus, for anywhere from 1-7 days. there will usually be an apparent trigger; i’m a fairly dysfunctional person, and i frequently lose things, break things, and fuck things up even though i like STUDIED to do them, took it slow, asked for help, gave myself extra time, etc. but the thing is, i think the “trigger” is arbitrary, this is just a cyclic psychic event that builds up and waits to happen. but after my first battery of ketamine treatments, i had a particular day when i could tell that normally, i would quickly wind up curled up at the bottom of my bathtub scream-crying until i couldn’t move--and this time, i managed to just push through. not only did i not break down, but i actually got a number of difficult chores done, that i had put off because they seemed too intimidating, or like i wouldn’t be able to mentally handle my inevitable failure. i noticed more and more of that, while i was in proximity to the treatments, an ability to just buckle down and keep going. so it’s not like i felt HAPPIER or something, but i felt much more capable of coping, which was like a miracle honestly.

it’s been about 3.5 months since i last went in, and i think i could use a booster appointment, but as i said i just can’t fit it in with my financial reality right now. so, that sucks. but, i definitely feel that it was worth doing, and i would recommend it to anyone who can shoulder the cost. hopefully in the future, ketamine will become a much more common psychiatric treatment, and it will become available to more and more patients.

*A friend of mine just told me he read somewhere that you don’t actually recall memories from like 20 years ago, you just remember the last time you recalled them--so like, i THINK i remember my parents struggling to give me drops for pink eye in our first apartment when i was about 1.5 years old, but in reality, i just remember the last time i remembered it, or the earliest time i’m able to remember remembering it. pretty interesting! and kind of disturbing, like the idea that star trek-type teleporters don’t actually transport a person, they just DESTROY the original person and rebuild a new one on the other end, a thought that REALLY BOTHERS ME.

[crunchingonicedcoffeesugar]

i’ve been texting my friend all day about shit and i forgot how important it is to talk to people LOL..... like ive known one of the big problems with my mental health for the past 6 months has been how often i’m by myself not communicating with people in any capacity but i can never remember how beneficial one meaningful conversation can be...crazy....i could have done this like three months ago

[shewantedtobeasecretgirl]

9. My Sharon…ah a.k.a. porn star alter egos, the other Stone and a dangerous ginger (Part One)

We’ve already been waiting for our food for almost an hour; unlike we do during our usually chaotic meals accompanied by parallel discussions, we’re all sitting silently staring in front of ourselves, trying to use as little energy as possible.

“I’ve told you we should have chosen that vegetarian restaurant…” Jeff mutters in a monotonous voice.

“Of course… and the predator part of the team can go to hell, right? Vegetarian restaurant, ‘course… over my dead body, Jeff.” Smitty hisses indignantly.

“Hey, I see food! Finally!” I sigh relieved as I spot the waitress approaching our table carrying two huge trays with burgers, burritos and fries. On arriving, she recoils desperately since everybody starts shouting their orders to be the first to be served. After a few seconds of hesitation, she puts the trays on the table and then flees terrified. I’m not surprised about her reaction; I’ve never been in the middle of a locust swarm but it can be something similar.

“And people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp…” Judy and Stone recite in unison but realizing the situation they both fall silent embarrassed.

“What???” I inquire confused. Their sudden telepathic connection is pretty strange, not to mention the fact that it didn’t make any sense.

“Armaments, Chapter Two.” Stone lectures me briefly with an eyeroll.

“Verses Nine to Twenty-One.” Judy adds helpfully probably seeing my still clueless expression.

“It’s from Monty Python’s Holy Grail. When Arthur and his knights encounter the Killer Rabbit, they think that the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch might…”

“Thanks for the explanation Mike, I think I’ve heard enough...”

“Finally, my precious.” Judy rubs her hands together and grabs the Tabasco bottle to pour an enormous amount of hot sauce on her large cheeseburger.

“Tabasco? Don’t your lips hurt?” Jeff’s head perks up.

Why would her lips hurt? Did Jeff bite her mouth on the date? I glance at Karrie who answers with a barely visible shrug. So she hasn’t succeeded to learn some details of yesterday’s events either… I haven’t been able to get rid of the guys and make Judy tell everything. I could swear she has been hiding intentionally the whole day, she pretended sleeping when I got on their bus and fake-shopped between the shelves of the store at the gas station for long minutes so that we wouldn’t meet at women’s restroom. She’s quite naive if she thinks I would give up and forget about it so easily…

“Why would her lips hurt?” Scully echoes my thoughts.

“Oh, eheh, I thought I got herpes but luckily it was only a false alarm…” she snickers awkwardly. Herpes? Jesus, she’s impossible… Okay, Jeff definitely didn’t bite her anywhere… I’m not the only one who’s shocked by her words, though, Jeff exchanges a meaningful look with the terrified Mike who forgets to chew for a few seconds, Dave narrows his eyes and glances at Stone who answers with a content smirk. Am I hallucinating or do they know something I don’t?

“Uhm, but really, Tabasco? I didn’t know you liked hot sauce.” I try to direct the chat back to culinary topics.

“Oh, I adore it! But… ugh… cucumber…” she picks out a few slices of vegetable of her burger.

“Are you crazy? I mean, that’s not an actual question, of course you are; cucumber is one of the best things in the world... But if you’re such a picky eater, then take the consequences… ” Stone leans over the table and steals the green treasures from her plate.

“Hey, you haven’t even touched your fries, are you a potato snob? And it is him who calls me a picky eater… Waster… Eye for an eye.” Judy fires back and grabs the small paper bag of fries greedily from Stone’s plate.

“Guys, could you suspend the food fight until we finish our meal? You can stay here and disembowel each other with plastic cutlery but please, wait until we leave, I can’t stand blood…” Eric intervenes. “Judy, are you serious, you eat cheeseburger with knife and fork?” he breaks the character of the form teacher.

“I have to… my mouth cavity is extreme small.” Judy explains making Stone snort.

“Hmph… this is new to me, I’ve never heard this excuse. OUCH!!!” he allows himself a sexist joke, which I immediately punish by stomping at full strength on his left foot.

“Maybe because you’ve never even got close to any type of situations when you could hear it.” Jeff joins the attack with verbal means and a satisfied grin.

“Thank you very much, Jeff… Eeed… your partner is hurting meeee....” Stone whines in the voice of annoying squealer kids.

“Because she’s my feminist girl who immediately avenges jerk behavior.” Ed presses a long and slow kiss on my cheek, which makes me immediately pull closer to him.

“And she bites too…” I whisper into his ear making sure that no one else can hear it. Okay, I know, whispering in bigger company is not the most polite behavior but… it’s been a while since we…

“And how was the exhibition?” Scully’s annoying capon voice pulls me back in the present.

“The s...exhibition…” Smitty giggles and earns a head-slap from Karrie for his immature joke.

“I liked it a lot… Zach has really good eyes to find art in everyday life. It’s cool how these paintings reflect on current public issues or even on each other… You know, painters usually don’t use each other’s work as canvas but with graffiti… anything can happen. The angry owner paints the wall or it gets completed or altered by other artists… And this is why Zach’s work is so worthy; he takes snapshots of society…” Judy rambles unaware of the fact that Jeff is listening to her with dreamy heart-eyes.

“Jeff, I’ve started being jealous, you’ve never taken me to any intellectual programs, always those smoky pubs…” Stone pretends jealousy. Scully turns to him and takes a deep breath while stroking his shoulder gently.

“Stoney… it’s high time you faced the fact that is obvious to everyone else here: he’s ashamed of you.”

“But why? I do everything to meet his expectations… I read every day and…” he sniffs.

“Stone, what you do to those… “artistic” magazines… it can’t be regarded as reading.” Jeff snorts moving his hand obscenely over his lap.

“Jesus…” Ed almost spits out his apple juice of laughter and the general amusement spreads along the table like bushfire.

“Stone, if you want to win Jeff’s heart, you have to count with serious competition, reading won’t be enough.”

“Anyway, Scully, speaking of reading, I actually didn’t read yesterday evening since something very weird happened to me when I was heading to my room.” he darts his eyes at Judy who immediately freezes and stops snickering. “I heard music from the bar and went in to take a closer look at the piano player but I happened to meet…”

“AWWWW!!!” Judy groans with a surprisingly high volume, which makes everyone stare at her. “Dif... dif iv fooo delifiouf!!!” she mumbles pointing at her burger. Judging from her pronunciation, she must be nibbling on a half cow in her mouth.

“After this interesting gastronomic intermezzo, I would go on, may I? So, entering the bar I encountered…”

“Amd de dabafco… heabedly…” Judy keeps moaning. Okay, if she goes on like this, I’ll begin to be concerned about her mental condition, maybe someone spiked her drink…

“Okay, everyone who’s interested in this incomprehensible muttering, raise your hands. Nobody? Great. So, entering the bar I encountered a very weird chick.” Stone begins and for some unknown reason, Judy looks as terrified as if she had realized that her food was poisoned.

“You mean alien kind of weird or sort of a psycho girl?”

“Thanks for the great question, Mike. I don’t know, she seemed to be pretty harmless, she just ordered drinks she didn’t like but at one certain point she grabbed my arm, I thought she could have been able to break it. We also played pool but she insisted on choosing the most hopeless options, as if she had tried to lose intentionally.”

Judy listens to him with a tense attention while literally stabbing her burger with the plastic fork again and again.

“And then?” Ed asks with some impatience in his voice. I can relate to him, Stone’s story doesn’t sound very interesting even despite the theatrical presentation.

“I tried to help her with a few advice but she kept digging in my privacy and left insulted.” Stone shrugs.

“… and this was the story of the evening when Stone almost picked up a lunatic. Thanks Stone, that was interesting, really.” Ed sums up probably everybody’s opinion.

Hearing a snapping voice I squint at Judy; as if she’d just woken up from hypnosis, she examines the two plastic sticks helplessly that remained from the fork. Okay, I have to remind Eric to keep any kind of pointed or edged objects away from her if Stone’s in the room as well.

“Ugh… I’m not sure if I’m able to walk back to the club on my own feet…” Mike rubs his stomach standing up from the table.

“Because you’re a chowhound…”

“Would you be willing to pull me back while I’m sitting on carrier trolley? You would be allowed to insult me in the meantime… Consider it Stone, this isn’t an everyday offer, take it or leave it…”

“Come on Mike, he couldn’t even pull a five-year-old child…” Scully follows them and they begin a heated discussion about the estimated load capacity of Stone’s different body parts.

“Beth… uhm, could we talk for a second?” Jeff steps to me. I wait until everyone else leaves but I’m afraid this conversation will be embarrassing even without the smartass remarks of the others. I’m rooting for Jeff with all my heart but the role of the matchmaker isn’t really for me… I encouraged Judy but that doesn’t mean I want to mediate between them…

“What can I do for you?” I ask although I exactly know the answer. Pushing Judy into his bed and locking the door from outside.

“I don’t know if Judy have told you anything about yesterday evening… and I don’t even want to ask it… “he adds defensively seeing I’m about to refuse to take part in any intervention.

“Then what?” I fold my arms amused. I’m mean, I know. But I can’t help enjoying how this more than six feet tall guy is scratching the ground with the tip of his sneaker.

“Our date ended in a pretty sudden way. I mean, you know, we didn’t… kiss…” he lowers his voice at the last word, unnecessarily, though, since everyone else from the team has already left the restaurant.

“But she didn’t slap you either… I mean, I guess.”

“Exactly, that’s the point… we didn’t talk about what’s next. At first I felt pretty confident but… I don’t know, I realized we haven’t agreed on a second date yet and…”

“Look, I think you expect too much from her… Imagine this situation in a normal environment. And when I say “normal”, I mean the usual dating habits. Girl and guy know each other, guy likes girl so he asks her out, they have a date… and that’s where you are right now. What would you do normally after a date?”

“Uhm, I don’t know, I guess I’d call her a few days later and…”

“See, that’s the key. A few days later. You wouldn’t call her immediately pressuring her to give a feedback. The fact she’s around you basically all the time doesn’t mean she doesn’t need time to process and consider the pace. Plus, you’re colleagues. Plus, there are a bunch of curious people around who are observing you like you were the main characters of a soap opera. So being pushed is probably the last thing she needs.”

“I know, but this insecurity is killing me. I’m not a macho type but I don’t like to be fooled either…”

“I’m convinced that she’s not the type who would intentionally fool you. Just give her a little space.”

“Okay… but I would appreciate if you talked to her… I mean you don’t have to tell me how she feels but…”

Jesus, the guy is persistent and his only luck is that I really like him.

“I can’t promise anything, but if she comes up with the topic, I’ll try to drop some cautious hints. Deal?” I throw my arms in the air unwillingly.

“I knew I could count on you!” he flashes his trademark thousand watt smile at me.

And now, all I have to do is cornering Judy. Because I’m not going to let her screw up everything with this sweet idiot.

***

“Hey, Scully, what happened to my amp during the show? I started being worried about Ethel.”

Mike and I glance amused at each other hearing the sign of Stone beginning to embrace the name of his stuffed pet.

“The ventilator I stood behind it broke down. But your calf wasn’t in danger, she felt like a rock star in the cloud of smoke.”

“Please don’t overplay the role, Scul.”

“I’m not overplaying anything, I can hear her mooing the backup vocals every time you play Black, just ask Dave!” Scully puts his tongue out insulted at Stone.

“Jesus, I never thought I would be the one who warned you but… you smoke too much weed.”

“No because I share it with Ethel, she likes chewing the cud of it…”

“Okay, some hash and acid must have kicked in too…” he rolls his eyes following Scully in the hallway.

“Okay, finally we’re alone, we need to talk.” Mike jabbers pulling closer to me.

“But we’re already talking.” I grin at him enjoying his mongoose moves; I’ve noticed he acts like a nervous little rodent when he’s excited.

“Please Jude, we don’t have time for this, they’re back in minutes.”

“Hey, it wasn’t me who…”

“Jude, it’s about Jeff.”

The smile freezes on my face. I can’t believe this, even Mike? I thought if no one else, he’d leave me alone.

“Mike, I’m not going to discuss this with you, it’s my business. And Jeff’s.” I correct myself for show. Obviously, if I had to choose between discussing our thing (in case we have one at all) with Jeff and impalement, I’d pick the latter.

“Wait, so did it happen? Did he conceal it from us only because he’s a gentleman?” his face lights up suddenly. “Oh, I knew you play in the master class, Jeffrey, you shouldn’t be so modest.” he goes on talking to himself.

“Excuse me???” I cut him off suspecting he’s rambling about something I’m not even willing to call by its name.

“Oh, so you didn’t…?” he asks disappointed. “Then he didn’t lie to us…”

“Mike, would you try to speak coherently?”

“Sure, sorry. So Jeff joined us at the bar after your date and the main character was a girl who was raised by foster parents and she didn’t know anything about her biological family.”

“What?” I stare at him. Oh no, I should have known, he’s drunk.

“And she fell in love with her rich boss who owned an ostrich farm and collected bowling shoes.” Mike goes on and his eyes pop staring at something behind me, which makes me turn around. I notice Dave fidgeting with his drum kit and realize Mike shifted topic so that he can’t overhear us.

“Aaand… was her boss handsome?” I make an insecure attempt to play along with him.

“I don’t know; too much hair gel for my taste but…” he shrugs. “So the guy invited her to his ranch and we discussed your date and Jeff misunderstood everything, your hair, the lenses, everything…”

I guess from his next switch that we’re alone again.

“How do you mean he misunderstood my hair? How can one misunderstood hair at all?”

“He thought you had dolled up for the occasion but Stone tried to convince him that it was only the razor.” Razor??? What if I was right and he’s drunk? Or even high? Or is someone behind my back again? Or did Stone notice with his impossibly green X-ray eyes that I haven’t shaved my legs since I arrived to Cleveland?

“Yeah and after having had sex with him, the girl received an anonymous letter which claimed she and her boss were biological siblings.”

“Oh no! And then? What happened after she had read the letter?” I pretend astonishment and follow Smitty and Karrie with my eyes who carefully lift the soundboard and place it onto the amp to push them out to the van.

“She ran away from the ranch and got hit by a truck. She woke up in the hospital but due to her amnesia no one could identify her. Things got more complicated when the hospital was attacked by zombie apes and they dragged her to their space ship and…”

“Mike, you shouldn’t harass Miss Judy with your pervert movies. Judy, he made me watch that one too, you don’t want to know what comes next, trust me.” Smitty shakes his head and disappears with the gear in the hallway.

“So that was that weird chainsaw sound I heard through the wall last night… Mike, you should see a sex therapist, I’m serious.” Karrie steps back for a second before leaving with Smitty.

“Now I’m really interested in the ending, please go on, Mike.” I grin at the blushing guitarist.

“And Stone also found out about your trick. And now Jeff knows about it as well.” he retorts challenging.

“What are you talking about? I can’t pull out rabbits from a hat or coins from behind anyone’s ears.”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about.” he points at me with an accusing look.

“No, I don’t, could you be more specific?”

“The trick you used to prevent Jeff got pregnant and couldn’t find out if the father was ostrich farm guy or one of the zombie apes. The guy was convinced it was him but the wedding ceremony got interrupted and…”

“Excuse me, Mike but have you just said that Jeff got pregnant from an ostrich farm owner? Or zombie apes? Ugh, I thought Montanans fucked cows but this… this is…”

The steps that made Mike tell on the plotline of the chainsaw porn belonged to Stone who unfortunately must have heard a few words from our actual topic.

“Actually, we wanted to keep it in secret, since you had that little quarrel at the restaurant. You know, pregnant... men have to be protected from any sources of stress. And in the meantime you turned out to be the father but don’t worry, Stone, you’ll be a great dad, anyway. And if you won’t find the front of the child just check it in the manual.” I flash my sweetest smile at him.

“Ugh… I imagined the baby of them, it would be no wonder if no one knew which is their back and their front… Jesus, I need to go to the restroom.” Mike frowns leaving us alone, although I guess the reason of his escape is the six pack beer box that was left unsupervised in the backstage.

“Uhm… Stone… do you have a second?”

To his nodding I start talking.

“Look, I…”

“Time out.” he mumbles rummaging in his guitar case.

“Idiot.” I click with my tong and stomp angrily; even despite my eyeroll I spot a weird twitch in the corner of his mouth which I can’t decode. Who cares, I decided to be a lady this time and I’m not going to let him rile me up. “I… I just wanted to say that I really appreciate that you didn’t mention our conversation to Jeff… or anyone… I guess…” I keep my eyes on the mic cables that I’m trying to untangle in the meantime, with not much success, though.

“Why?” he asks back briefly.

“How do you mean “why”?” I perk my head up.

“Why do you appreciate it? Were you afraid of me doing it?”

I mutter something indistinct since I don’t feel like answering yes but I don’t want to deny it either as who knows what his reaction would be…

“So basically you’re thanking me for not telling to Jeff that you find him amusing, kind and funny? You’re weird, I don’t think he would feel insulted hearing that.”

“No… I don’t… I’m not…” I gibber. And here we are. I hate that he’s able to confuse me with one single word and I hate that he doesn’t let me tell what I mapped out and…

“Are you not thanking me or don’t you find him amusing, kind and funny?” he stares me with that irritating poker face, I wish could punch him… but no. I’m going to stay cool. I don’t let him influence my behavior. I’m the more mature so I can’t lose my temper.

“It doesn’t matter what I said or did. I just wanted to thank you for your discretion.” I try to get out of the situation without giving a straightforward answer.

“Do you think that I shut my mouth to save your ass?” he folds his arms smirking. “Cute theory, truly. But it’s not about you. It’s about Jeff. I didn’t want to embarrass him since…”

“Embarrass him??? I’ve heard you calling him a caveman, a yeti, a Montanan cow-fucker… and you don’t want to embarrass him???” I burst out in an exaggerated laughter.

“At least, I don’t play with his feelings.”

“That’s for sure. You humiliate him in pretty obvious and clear ways. But I don’t like veiled references, let’s be honest. Do you think I fool him?”

“I haven’t even mentioned your name, you’re smarter than I thought.”

The fuckin’ smirk won’t appear from his face. Okay, please, let someone took this cable away from me before I strangle him with it.

“I don’t know what you have to do with my private life but...”

“Nothing, luckily. But our bassist has, however much unprofessional it is to run after a colleague…”

“Speaking of professionalism, you have to play in one of the most important TV shows of this country in less than twenty-four hours and instead of preparing for the big event you’re spending your time with prying into other people’s life.”

“I’ve played Alive and Porch so many times that could do it only using my toes so…”

“EW!!!”

“…so it doesn’t require much preparation. Look, I’m not saying that you’re fooling him intentionally. Or even consciously. I’m only trying to point out that it’s pretty obvious that you don’t have the faintest idea how to handle his affection.” he shrugs.

“But I have a pretty clear idea of not discussing this with you.”

That damn cable has tangled into a huge knot in the meantime and my nervous tugging doesn’t help much with untying it. He takes it out of my hands and starts loosening it with slow, steady moves.

“You don’t have to. But you’d better find out what’s next before things get more complicated.” he reaches his palm with the knot-free cable on it out in front of me.

“Otherwise?” I ask with hands on my hips refusing to take it.

“Otherwise things do get complicated.” he remarks nonchalantly and ties it again into the most complex knot I’ve ever seen. I should answer something witty but I’m just mouthing like a damn fish as he slowly reaches for my arm and pulls it from my hip to put the cable into my hand. I have no idea for how long we’ve been staring at each other when he finally clears his throat and runs his fingers through his hair flipping it back. I only start blinking when he grabs his guitar case and leaves the stage. When I hear the nasal voice echoing, I’m still standing motionless on the stage.

“And by the way, nothing’s wrong with my toes.”

***

I’m not going to throw up. I’m not going to throw up. I’m not going to throw up. I should have already got used to public performances but I feel awful. The whole country is going to watch us and if it wouldn’t be enough, my mom called the whole family, uncles, aunts, cousins, their wives and husbands (including the former ones) and reminded them to turn on the TV at 11 p.m. My symptoms are worse than ever, I really need something to calm down… I should check our dressing room, maybe I find some booze there…

“Hey Mike… are you okay?” Jude approaches me with her tiny, quick steps.

“Yes, I’m okay… I’m almost okay…” I keep marching in circles in the backstage room of Studio 8H.

“You shouldn’t be that nervous, it’s not your first TV performance.”

“You don’t understand… I’ll screw up everything, I can feel it in my guts.” And I mean it literally.

“Haha, why would you? You’ll be great, I’m sure as hell.”

“Because. Before the unplugged show we realized our rented instruments weren’t suitable to anything we wanted to do and Ed fell off the chair during the set… my solos were barely audible…”

And it’s being aired in a few weeks so the whole country will know about the fiasco…

“You shouldn’t be that strict with yourself. But you know what? I know someone who is objective and can smell bad gigs from miles. A real expert.” she smiles cryptically. “We’re going to call Effie tomorrow. She’s going to watch the show, she even wants to record it.”

“Watch? Record??? No!” I squeak in despair. Suddenly, making myself ridiculous in front of my family and the whole American nation sounds pretty marginal in comparison to the fact that the person whom I’ve never met but to whom want to listen until the universe collapses is about to watch me making silly faces and stumble on my own foot.

“Jesus, why?” she sighs with growing annoyance.

“Because… because… she’s a young girl and… young girls should go to bed by 11 p. m.?”

My argumentation doesn’t sound very convincing and Jude looks at me as if I was completely losing my mind, which is pretty close to how I feel right now, actually…

“Okay Mike, now we’re going to look for your dressing room and I help you with a few relaxation exercises I learnt at Juilliard. They helped me overcome the terrible stage fright I used to feel before concerts so trust me…” she wraps one arm around my shoulder and gently but firmly directs me towards the hallway.

“I think Stone has already found our room.” I nod towards our rhythm guitarist who’s standing in front of a door staring it persistently.

“I know you’re convinced you can use the force but what if you tried the door handle?” she remarks in a mocking voice.

“There’s no try.” I help her out with the matching accent.

“Unlike you, the staff seems to be serious with this Star Wars thing.” Stone points with his thumb at a sheet taped on the door. After decoding the sloppy handwriting, I read the following names on it:

EDDIE VADER

JEFF AMEN

MIKE MCREADY

STEVE GOSSARD

DAVE ABRUZESE

       ABBRUZESE

     ABBRUZZESE

“Excellent.” Stone mumbles.

“I think they expected your porn star alter egos.” Judy shrugs casually.

“Our what?” I glance at her furrowing my eyebrows.

“You know, porn actors and actresses all use stage names, borrowing those of celebrities. Of course they always change the spelling to avoid legal problems.” she picks the sheet at the typos in our names.

“And what kind of porn actor would call himself Eddie Vader?” I ask in disbelief.

“Maybe he’s the protagonist of a kinky, incestuous story flavored with father issues. And Jeff Amen…”

“…is the naughty parish priest of a sleepy, small town somewhere in Montana.” Judy finishes Stone’s sentence. “Whereas Mike McReady…”

“…bangs everything that moves and comes in like five seconds?” Stone chuckles and although Jude tries to keep a straight face, to my biggest surprise, I spot a mischievous sparkle in her eyes that sends a completely different message towards him. They team up and joke at someone else’s expense? That’s new to me.

“You…” I point alternatively at Judy and Stone, who are still staring at each other with the same half smile on their face “…you’re supposed to be enemies, okay?” They finally notice I’m talking to them and interestingly, they both rearrange their facial muscles into a nonchalant expression in a fragment of a second. “Anyway, what about Steve Gossard?”

“It’s pretty obvious. The crew of SNL wanted him to feel like a normal person, at least for one day.” Judy explains. “Of course they didn’t know that a proper name was barely enough but they gave it a try.” she adds fixing her glasses and avoiding Stone’s glance.

“You can joke with my name but it’s undeniable that my name is the coolest porn star name in the world. Get it, Stone, hard like a stone, the connection is undeniable.” he slaps back putting on his disarming smirk and does indistinct moves with his hands to underline his theory.

“No sane porn actor would use your name but you know what, if you feel better of that thought…” Judy shoots one more arrow saturated with sarcasm after Stone who started pacing towards the studio room in the meantime.

“I don’t have time for this right now. If anybody looked for me, I’m gone to find Sharon Stone. Who borrowed her name from you know whom…” he answers with a high-minded wave, not even looking back at her.

“Who exactly needs to relax?” I squint at her. Am I hallucinating or are her nostrils really fuming? She looks like a dragon that’s ready to burn down a whole metropolis.

“I’m relaxed, Mike.” she utters slowly. “I’ve never been more relaxed.”

We spend like half an hour in the dressing room before the rehearsal. Although Judy’s exercises are efficient, I still find this whole process more stressful than a simple sound check. There are cameras and fussy crew members everywhere, we’re even asked to do everything the same way as we will do it in the live show. Like it was possible to ask Ed bouncing both times in the same way or Stone bouncing during the sound check at all, which he never does anyway... It’s just ridiculous. The glass-wearing, stage manager called Joe has even to act like the host of the show announcing us and then clapping exactly for five seconds playing the audience… like we were in some fuckin’ theater.

After having played “Alive” and “Porch” umpteen times, the director shows up to discuss the details of the gag in which they want us to participate.

“So according to our conception, the scene begins with Sharon Stone sitting cross-legged in a chair, wearing her famous dress from Basic Instinct. He announces you and after a cut, the camera shows you staring at her with dropped jaws for a few second. Can you do it?” he shares the plot. He seems to be impatient, probably because of the tight schedule.

“What a great idea. Of course we can, we do that all the time, right, guys?” Ed mumbles in a colorless voice. He’s right, it sounds like a pretty schematic, cheap, sexist joke, which doesn’t really fit our style but luckily, we’re open about our principles enough not to compromise ourselves by doing it.

“But where’s Sharon Stone? We need her to the scene.” Stone insists; he’s the most enthusiastic from the band for obvious reasons.

“As I’ve said, there will be a cut in the scene, which means we don’t need her to be able to shoot your part. Ms. Stone hasn’t arrived yet, anyway.” the director tries to keep his temper but Stone isn’t really cooperative in this process.

“But I’m not an actor, I can’t pretend I’m watching Sharon Stone if I’m not. I’m afraid I can’t do it without her.” he shrugs flashing his most irritating lopsided grin.

“I’ll see what I can do. But you need to wear the same clothes as in the live show, so please, go and change…” the director decides to quit the conversation. I can understand him.

We gather again in the same room about ten minutes later.

“Where is Sharon Stone?” Stone repeats the million-dollar question like a broken record player.

“I am Sharon Stone.” I turn in the direction of the familiar male voice and I notice Joe, the grinning stage manager waving towards us. “At least for the next ten minutes. I can even sit in that chair like her if that helps you. But I’m not willing to put on that dress, I like this sweater better.” he remarks addressing his words to Stone.

“No… uhm…I don’t think it’d be necessary… I learnt how to use my imagination in the last ten minutes…” he mutters.

The makes a few takes of our dumbest stares but we’re not told which one is the winner. Not that I’m interested in any of them.

“Hey, stunned guy, you were awesome.” Jude nudges me while I’m heading back to the dressing room, which makes me start.

“Huh, what?”

“Your stunned face. I saw your acting performance in the control room, I think it was sweet.”

“Oh. Thanks.” I flush. Maybe I should practice how to look stunned… maybe she’s not the only Camden girl who thinks I’m sweet… Cool down, Cready, what if she’s a hideous, toothless frog?

“Hey, and what about me?” Jeff catches up to us, provoking Judy to compliment him too.

“Your face can’t even be seen of that fur hat… I could cut a few holes into it for your eyes, nose and mouth, if you want to.” she teases him, which he answers by sticking out his tongue at her.

“That’d be problematic. His brain has already grown to the hat, if you tried to cut into it, you would basically execute a lobotomy on him.” Stone maneuvers between them, to Jeff’s utmost delight.

“It’s like you and your scrunchie, right? It blocks your skull so that your cerebrum doesn’t fall out of your head and roll away during your head bobbing.” she imitates Stone’s typical, pigeon-like neck moves. After a quick half turn, Stone rambles on walking backwards.

“Why don’t we discuss your potato bag dress too… sorry!” he adds mechanically not even glancing at the tall, blonde woman into whom he’s just bumped. She looks familiar but I can’t recall if I have met her and if I have, where...

“Ha, Stone Gossard is trying to give me fashion advice, I like that…”

“Yes, maybe you should set your own house in order at first…” Jeff retorts too.

“…says the guy who sleeps wearing a hat.” Stone keeps torturing our bassist.

“How could he take it off? His brain…” Judy points at Jeff’s forehead.

“Don’t make me turn this car around...” Jeff grunts.

“But where’s Sharon Stone?”

***

I loathe restrooms of public places so much. Small, tight compartments, like this one. Even the lock is broken so I have to hold on to the door handle while I’m balancing over the toilet bowl of questionable tidiness. At least, I don’t have any company; I hate sharing my most intimate body functions and enjoying those of the others at the same time. Awkward sounds and unpleasant smells… I know it’s a natural thing but still… I’m almost ready when I hear the door squeaking and heels tapping on the tiled ground. Unfortunately the owner of the legs picks the compartment next to me… great, one can’t even finish her internal monologue without being bothered. Maybe if I don’t move and breathe, I can stay unnoticed.

“Damn.” I hear my neighbor cursing. “Hey… there’s someone over there, isn’t it?” I hear the voice again from the level of my ankles. Of course, she peaked around under the wall, next time I should crouch down on the top of the toilet. “There’s no toilet paper in this one, could you give me a few sheets? Just put them into my hand, I think I can manage to reach for them at the bottom…

“Sure…” I groan. And now? Should I ask her whether she wants to pee or…? I make a quick calculation and tear off and hand her the estimated needs of an adult woman with healthy digestive system. I can get a glance at hear shoes in the meantime, one could commit a suicide by jumping off them. I decide to sneak out while she’s doing her job (whatever it is) to avoid the usual embarrassing encounter. I’m already washing my hands when the entrance door opens and it is Beth who slams it behind herself with a victorious smile.

“Ha! There you are.”

“So now you’re even following me to the restroom too?” I ask sarcastically.

“It was you who forced me to do it. And neither of us will leave until you finally tell me what happened last night.” she leans her back to the door folding her arms.

“Nothing particular, I don’t know why…”

I forget to finish the sentence since the door of the occupied compartment gets suddenly kicked out and a blonde, tall, beautiful woman basically falls out in front of the sinks.

“Shit, it got stuck, I was already thinking I would die here… Gosh, I hate this dress so much, I’m going to set it on fire in the second my contract’s running out, I swear.” she fixes the tight mini dress she’s wearing. Let’s wait for a second… Is she? Oh my… She is.

“Judy, nothing and nobody can distract me this time, not even Sharon Stone.” Beth stares me with her coldest look.

“Oh, I don’t want to bother you, just finish the girl talk.” she remarks cleaning and drying her hands.

“So, are you willing to tell me what happened or should I pull everything word by word out of you?”

“Can I choose the word by word version?” my lips pull into an embarrassed smile but Beth’s reaction is crazier than expected. She turns the key in the lock and walks slowly to the toilet bowl in the closest compartment.

“Are you sure you don’t want to be more cooperative?” she flashes a somewhat terrifying grin and swings the key over the toilet.

“You can’t do it, you can’t take us hostage… you can’t take Sharon Stone hostage here. She needs to go back to the set.” I try to make her come around.

“Actually, I don’t feel like going back so I’d stay… if you don’t mind, of course.” the captured sex symbol ruins my argumentation.

“Great. A real girl party.” Beth confirms with a plastic smile. “So, what happened yesterday evening?”

“Yeah, what happened yesterday?” Sharon repeats the question curiously. “Do you mind if I…?” she pulls a cigarette and a lighter out of her tights and since we both shake our head, she lights up.

“She had a date with Jeff.” Beth explains with a meaningful look. “With Jeff Ament.” she adds realizing the name didn’t ring a bell with her. “With Jeff Ament from Pearl Jam.” she narrows it down seeing the still clueless face of our chat partner. “And now it’s time to share the details.” she turns back demanding to me.

“Okay…” I sigh and give them a quick review about the date, trying to stay as objective as possible, avoiding any forms of judgment and not leaving any occasion for speculations.

“And at the end, you chickened out and used the trick.”

“Seriously, Beth, what trick? Mike told me the same and…”

“So you’ve already discussed it with Mike!” she shouts outraged. “Anyway, I’m talking about the herpes trick, of course.”

“What???”

“Pretending to have herpes to avoid being kissed.” Sharon enlightens me making me feel week-minded.

“Who… who would do something like that?” I try to sound innocent.

“Oh, come on, sweetie. The herpes trick is older than herpes itself. It’s a part of the female toolkit.” she goes on taking a deep drag.

“Judy, there’s nothing wrong in acknowledging you got confused and made a desperate decision.” Beth mellows out. “You can talk to me about your insecurities, it’s not a shame. I was too pushy and I’m sorry for that but I really think he’s a great guy and deserves a chance.”

“I know, I just… I’ve known him for... how long? Two weeks? I barely know him! And the thought of him having known me for the same time and wanting to know me better… maybe not only as a friend… it freaks me out. I’m not saying I’m not interested in him at all, it’s just… too fast!” I blurt out finally.

“Okay. You know what? If you’re not sure about your feelings… or expectations… let’s make a checklist! I mean… you start listing the characteristics you like and want to find in a guy and I tell you if Jeff has them. I’ve known him for more than two weeks…”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’ve started being interested in that Jeff guy too.” Sharon hops on the sink with a bright smile.

“Jesus… guys are not like shopping lists… but okay, whatever!” I throw my arms in the air. “First of all… he must be reliable. I don’t like good-for-nothings.”

“Checked.” Beth nods satisfied.

“And… he must have a good sense of humor. If he can’t make you laugh or if he makes you explain your jokes, run!”

“Needless to say, but checked!” she confirms enthusiastically.

“The guy I’m looking for is… intelligent…”

“…checked…”

“…smart…”

“…checked…”

“…creative…”

“…checked…”

“…some talent doesn’t hurt either…”

“…some talent checked…” I can’t not notice that her voice gets more and more bored at every answer.

“He must be amusing and kind and funny as well. And interesting and gentle too.” I jabber in one breath.

“Checked, checked, checked, checked, checked… Come on, Judy, how long do you want to go on with this to believe he’s ideal for you?” she huffs impatiently.

“There’s one more thing.” I cut her off. “He… he must be attractive. Physically.” I feel my face reddening as I add the last word.”

“Checked.” she replies without hesitation. “Checked?” she repeats it with a questioning face and due to her reaction, I realize I’m scowling.

“I… I don’t know… I mean… he’s definitely not unattractive… but I’ve never felt that “let’s jump into bed immediately” vibe when being with him…” I try to express my feelings although the only thing I want to do is to mumble something indistinct and escape from this fuckin’ piss-smelling room.

“Now here’s the point!” Sharon exclaims and points at me holding her cigarette between her index and middle finger. “You don’t feel the buzz! Forget him.” she adds in a serious voice.

“The fact you don’t want to take him to bed immediately only means you’re not a slut. If a guy’s personality is likable, you can suddenly realize you’re attracted to him physically too. You should just spend some time with him without any pressure and let things happen.” Beth talks her over ignoring the advice.

“Bullshit! It’s not about having sex on the first date but there must be a spark… even if you don’t notice it immediately. Passion won’t grow out of nothing, trust me. Yes, passion, that’s the key. It isn’t worth a pile of shit if there isn’t any passion between you.” she flails intensely with the cigarette.

“Don’t listen to her, she doesn’t know any of you two.” Beth keeps persuading me and honestly, I don’t know whom I should believe.

“By the way, which one of the guys is Jeff? Is he the lanky one?” Sharon inquires while she’s stubbing the cigarette on the sink and then drops it into the trash bin.

“The tall, athletic one.” Beth helps her out. “The one with the hat.” she rolls her eyes seeing the uncomprehending expression of her.

“Oh. I thought he was the lanky one, with the ponytail.” she mutters disappointed.

“Ugh, Stone?” I groan in disgust.

“Yes, the one that almost hit me in the hallway. I heard you teasing each other, I thought something was going on between you. It looked definitely passion-like.”

“Wait, was that you?” I giggle.

“Yup. Wearing a leather jacket, denim pants and no makeup.”

“I have to tell this to Stone, he’ll freak out. He really appreciates your… ahem… talent… very much. Obviously not much enough to recognize you in “civil” clothes. Anyway, nothing is going on between us, let alone passion. Apart from the fact that we hate each other passionately.”

“Interesting, I could have sworn… But hate is a good start. Better than nothing. Have you ever tried hate sex?” she asks out of the blue.

“Excuse me, what?” I cackle.

“Of course, you haven’t. But you should. It’s hot.” she leans closer confidentially. “It makes things extremely complicated most of the times, but it’s hot. Anyway, what time is it? However much I’ve got fed up with drooling crew members, I should go back, they want to pre-record a few scenes…”

“Shit, it’s late you’re right. Beth, would you…?”

She fishes the key out of her pocket and unlocks the door unwillingly shaking her head.

“I hope you don’t let yourself be influenced by this… this… actress…” she whispers to me while we’re walking back to the studio room following the person in question.

“You mean by having sex with Stone?” I joke but Beth doesn’t seem to appreciate my humor so I go on sincerely. “Why would I? I’ve known her for like ten minutes. And I consider your advice but… you know it’s not as easy as you think, Jeff doesn’t stay away from me for a minute, the “without any pressure” factor depends on him too…”

“I see what I can do, don’t worry.” she smiles mysteriously in front of herself.

“Don’t you dare talk to him, do you want to ruin my life?” I scream-whisper since we’ve arrived to the waiting room in the meantime. The guys are talking standing in a circle apart from Stone who’s fixing his half ponytail with undivided attention in front of the mirror. What a narcissistic asshole.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be the prettiest poodle at the dog exhibition.” I remark casually as I pass him by.

“Do you prefer stray dogs?” he shouts after me in his irritating teenage guy voice. “Anyway, where is Sharon Stone?”

“I’m here and I’m ready for the action.” she answers in the steamiest tone I’ve ever heard and walks along the room with hypnotic hip moves.

“Stone, are you ready too?” I ask grinning ear to ear at my blushing enemy but I can’t enjoy his embarrassment for long since someone leans over my shoulder and sings two words into my ear.

“Hate sex…”

[abuseofcats]

Slippery slope

Second file

Chapter IV.

Despite the fact that the present age, more than any other, is obsessed to the maximum with the image, the field of fine art in the academic context lacks a comprehensive reflection on the pictorial aspect of artworks. The artworks produced during academic training act as a subject of discussion in many contexts: psychological, sociological, environmental, technological, historical, etc., but few are able to express their opinion and evaluate the image in a meaningful and confident way. This situation may be due to several factors. Contemporary society places an extreme emphasis on political correctness, and few are willing to endure honest criticism in such an environment. The subjectivity of vision or opinion is fundamentally repeated as the ultimate argument. It is as if no one dares to cross the almost sacred boundary of individual subjectivity. If this is done, such a "transgression" is likely to be regarded as an attack. Because of this, however, we exclude dialogue from the evaluation, on the basis of which an opinion can be formed. The other extreme is criticism without reflection. Criticism aimed at a single goal, namely to discredit the author's efforts. 

It is not easy to discuss visuality as a complex set of visual-artistic qualities of a work. Indeed, visuality is understood as eminently subjective. It can be understood as the viewer's unique response to a visual stimulus that has the capacity to activate individual associative thought processes. Each person, of course, has a quite unique and different library of associations, made up of previous experiences with art and life situations. Often these personal impressions are tinged with emotion and can be related to highly private experiences. Understandably, these associations are often not transferable. However, our lives are not insurmountably different. We can agree that each person experiences similar situations, albeit through an individual prism. This is precisely the basis of a kind of common human empathy. We might even agree that our lives and individual experiences have a certain archetypal component, which in each case is coloured by specific situations and personalities. In the same way, visuality contains a number of specific particulars, but also a certain universal archetypal quality and message. The real problem, however, remains that visuality is not easily put into words. Suppose that there are more modes of perception than just the verbal. That some phenomena are not exactly nameable by a particular word. Despite this limitation of language, however, a discussion of visuality is not impossible. The ground on which such a discussion takes place is slippery and precarious, but it contains clues, and as long as the discussants do not fight with each other and try to throw each other off, there is a good chance that they will be able to sustain such a discussion. 

In artistic research, it is therefore extremely important to look for ways in which we can talk about visuality, how we can describe it in words, and equally to acknowledge that not everything can be described in words. That's what visual art is all about. It is not just a mere extension of verbal reasoning, but a sovereign area of culture, a kind of thinking or communication. This is the form in which visual art should appear in an academic context. It is up to us to find a way to incorporate it into the otherwise rigid structures of scientific knowledge.

[bienready2122]

The Ardell Real Wellness Self-Assessment Test for Exuberance

Presentation  Engagement Rings This self-evaluation instrument is intended to mirror your insight, fulfillment level and general insight of Exuberance, one of four REAL health measurements. Self-appraisals for the Reason, Athleticism and Liberty measurements are likewise accessible.

The self-appraisal conventions are copyrighted; all rights are held. Visit donardell.com for permitting data with respect to instructive, corporate, non-benefit or different employments of at least one of the four REAL health self-evaluations, just as a different self-appraisal test for pressure the executives.

The reason for all the self-appraisals is to advance experience with and added duty to REAL wellbeing mentalities and ways of life. The general objective is a way of thinking guided by reason, enlivened by extravagance, upheld with physicality and improved by expanded individual freedoms.

Extravagance

The English word extravagance has a specific ring to it, to such an extent that even non-English talking individuals presumably perceive that it indicates an upbeat, celebrant quality, rich with energy, practically indecent (in a courteous way), living with the positive feeling of sprightly exuberance.

Abundance is about human thriving.

As a REAL wellbeing measurement, abundance is the class for joy and euphoria, which means and reason, social and relationship associations, the nature of work, vocations and that's just the beginning. It's difficult to go over the edge looking for extravagance - equivalents for the term propose its appealing characteristics, including yet not restricted to cheerfulness, cheerful moods, celebration, jollity, bubbling, energy, zing and even happiness! Abundance is communicated in the infectiousness of play, giggling, the happiness of new (and old) love, the inebriating impacts of music and in differed types of strict euphoria. (Note: Mention of strict delight in this setting ought not be viewed as a support of being killed in the soul, hitting the dance floor with noxious reptiles, expulsions or different types of gathering screeching, yelling, powerlessness to stand or sit, noisily expressing whole-world destroying predictions, heavenly chuckling or human yelping.)

Similarly as with whatever else taken to advertisement absurdum levels, extravagance can be and is at times experienced in ugly, uninspiring ways. Three models should get the job done to come to the meaningful conclusion:

Counterfeit highs past the statures, with loss of one's typical capacities of good instinct, similarly as with overindulgence in synthetic substances, for example, medications and liquor.

Foolish choices, as in nonsensical richness. (An expression Federal Reserve Board director Alan Greenspan instituted to depict the website air pocket of the 1990s.)

Atypical practices, as found in mind-set problems. For instance, bipolar confusion, when known as hyper melancholy, is a full of feeling issue characterized by hyper or hypomanic scenes. It's a genuine ailment.

The last noted case of abundances are not helpless decisions, to such an extent as ailments or social distortions. They are refered to just to perceive that abundance, while an exceptionally sure and alluring experience, can have a clouded side, under inquisitive and irregular conditions.

Generally, as a REAL wellbeing way of life experience and component of effective living, abundance is an awesome thing. It vivifies scholarly looking, hazard taking, inventiveness and endurance itself. There is in all likelihood a genetic inclination to extravagance; neuroscience specialists, among others, keep on investigating the job cerebrum synthetic substances, for example, dopamine, play in certain dispositions and mental versatility.

There stays a lot to find about the marvel of human richness.

SCORING THIS TEST

The Exuberance self-evaluation contains ten explanations. Every announcement is introduced by a foundation discourse that gives a setting to a more full comprehension of the announcement to follow.

If it's not too much trouble pick a number from one to five that mirrors the degree to which you concur or differ with the announcement. On the off chance that you unequivocally accept that your reasoning or circumstance lines up with the announcement, place the number 5 as your answer decision in the space gave. On the off chance that you firmly deviate, enter the number 1.

One and five are the two extraordinary positions.

The center number 3 speaks to an unbiased position, showing that you don't know where you fit or take a center ground position for this announcement.

The numbers 2 and 4 ought to be chosen to communicate an unobtrusive arrangement with one side or the other along the five-section continuum. The number 2 would reflect mellow contradiction; 4 would connote gentle concurrence with the announcement.

Endless supply of appraisals for the ten articulations, an interpretative critique is given dependent on your total score. A determination of ten Exuberance-centered books are incorporated as suggested readings.

A NOTE FOR BEST RESULTS

This instrument isn't planned as an opposition, yet rather for motivations behind an individual self-appraisal. Consequently, it would be ideal if you be carefully straightforward with your self-appraisal evaluations.

The estimation of the evaluation will be in how much your score precisely speaks to your reasoning. The aggregate score of point sums for each of the ten articulations will decide the input gave. This should be important for making positive changes, if necessary and wanted.

Appreciate the cycle.

TEN STATEMENTS

I. Foundation

Numerous variables influence an amazing nature regarding wellbeing all in all and experience of abundance specifically. These incorporate hereditary qualities and where you were conceived and to whom. There are twelve perceived determinants of wellbeing; five appear to be generally compelling to your possibilities for overflowing living.

Salary and economic wellbeing

Instruction and education

Youth experience

Social backings and adapting aptitudes

Solid practices

Explanation # 1

My involvement in regard to all or the vast majority of these determinants was and keeps on being positive and gainful. _____

II. Foundation

Bliss is a conspicuous element related with extravagance. It is knowledgeable about changed ways, however seven components are normally distinguished in investigations of glad individuals: a feeling of appreciation, shrewd selection of objectives, successful time the executives, hopefulness, relationship with good individuals, music thankfulness and incessant articulations of adoration.

Proclamation # 2

These seven components are customary highlights of the manner in which I feel, worth and experience living more often than not. _____

III. Foundation

An ongoing article in Psychology Today by Suzanne Degges-White entitled, Four Keys to Happiness: Live in Harmony with Others to Best Enjoy the Music of Life (July, 2015), zeroed in on only four characteristics basic for satisfaction. One is appreciation, which has just been recognized. The other three are gladness, neighborliness and sympathy.

Proclamation # 3

I think about the over three characteristics, just as that of appreciation, to be cognizant highlights of my character - and I endeavor to think and act in like manner. _____

IV. Foundation

Dissimilar to the manner in which we learn language and religion, in particular from guardians or watchmen who raise us and other people who impact our initial years, the vast majority of us don't participate in much autonomous considering our interesting purposes or other existential-like inquiries. Simply following quite a while of encounters and self-improvement do we build up an ability to recognize and portray our own interpretation of purposes and implications, if at any point.

Over the long haul, we frequently make new disclosures, and our thoughts regarding importance change and advance. Exactly when we think we've discovered our motivation (s), things occur and we understand that extra changes are all together. We may do well to figure out how to anticipate this, to remain receptive to additional prospects that appear of intrigue, in some cases convincing and even weighty in reshaping our appearance on such issues.

Articulation # 4

While alright with my current perspectives about importance and reason for existing, I'm available to new learning or disclosures that could impact my reasoning. _____

V. Foundation

Many, maybe the vast majority, don't ponder significance of life inquiries until close to death, assuming at that point. One explanation is on the grounds that they, as seventeenth century thinker Thomas Hobbes, unknowingly see presence as singular, poor, dreadful, brutish and short. Life is for sure short. As JFK commented at American University in 1963 a couple of months before his demise, We all occupy this little planet, We all inhale a similar air. We as a whole love our kids' fates. Furthermore, we are altogether mortal.

Explanation # 5

I am not pained by death or given to types of refusal about the conviction of my drawing nearer non-presence - and my considering the significance of life is advanced by acknowledgment of my mortality. _____

VI. Foundation

Strength implies an ability to oppose, just as recuperate from troubles. At the point when created to a significant level, strength permits you to resist the urge to panic under pressure, support an inspirational standpoint, remain present at the time regardless of interruptions and stressors, be consistent with your best self and keep up trust in attempting conditions. An all around tuned physical state adds to mental sharpness, adaptability and homeostasis- - and the other way around. A peaceful trust in your establishment purposes, positive social connections and an outlook that empowers transformation to troublesome change are key characteristics of flexibility.

Explanation # 6

Considering the above foundation data about the idea of strength, I view myself as an ace expert of this part of cunning living. _____

VII. Foundation

Chuckling (fun/bliss/humor) appears to be unrealistic. Cases for ititss benefits are army and here and there preposterous. Since quite a while ago thought to be acceptable medication, chuckling in its differed shapes additionally feels extraordinary. Chuckling could be a banner picture of satisfaction. It bonds individuals, triggers attractive physical and passionate changes in the body, reinforces the insusceptible framework, helps mind-set, occupies the body from torment and the cerebrum from trouble. Humor helps troubles, adds to trust, interfaces one individual to other people and keeps individuals grounded, centered a

[butyouvealwaysbeenthecaretaker]

What is it about the occult that attracts assholes?

"Magic is objectively real, but must be approached as a science, using experimentation and testing and exact technique. Also, it can't be used to make you money unless you get a real job; or fix your health, or your relationships; so you need to handle your shit first"...my dude, I'm not learning tables of God-names and planetary intelligences in languages I don't know and colour scales and gemstone attributions to ask a spirit to beta read my CV.

"Magic works which is why I have had so many high paying jobs in tech; but it doesn't work for starting businesses, selling art or publishing books, because publishing is very competitive; or for allowing you to sponge off others, if you want money you need to get a job". Ok, but why? Talk me through this, science bro. Sounds like succeeding in an arts career is *exactly* the sort of thing magic would be useful for, preciciely because it is challenging under normal circumstances; and being able to produce that result would be a pretty compelling test of the supernatural.

I've read a lot of ancient books of magic and classical grimoires, and the only spells they see fit to share are ones relating to love, health, and success in business - ie the things people actually need and want. So I'm thinking if you can't accomplish this, then yr magic is namby pamby OR - perhaps - doesn't work & isn't real.

"Magic is real and brings success into your life. But, you can't do it unless you have a stable job and good health and stable relationships. So work on that first." Sounds like there's some poor interpretation of data going on here! I would imagine that, if you're the sort of person without significant barriers to work, health, or interpersonal shit, or whose barriers are sufficiently small that you can overcome them with a bit of willpower...you already have success in your life. And you have all the ingredients which create the potential for future success. Hey, that sounds like an awesome new age slogan, hang on a moment: "you already have everything you need. The capacity for success is already within you".

Like, yeah, I would imagine that having certain kinds of privileges would make you feel like you have a lot of control over your life and the world, give you a sense of mastery and confidence, and probably does feel a lot like magic. I feel like this author hasn't reflected on alternative hypotheses on what could be creating the results he observes. "Well, magic is more about probability shifts", but that's just a fancy way of saying, "privilege doesn't mean you're always happy or successful, but it does mean things are a little more likely to work out in your favour a lot of the time".

This stuff bugs me because I love ceremonial magic. Its like systematised psychology with robes and incenses, far more fun than any therapy ive ever been in. It's ritualised techniques to interact with different bits of your psyche. Plus, I often refer to adhd brain as being 100% on manual; ritual magic is a great way to affirmatively and clearly turn bits of the brain on and off.

BUT it attracts the kind of people for whom "what if I could control reality itself just by being better than everybody else?" is an attractive concept, and one which matches their actual life. So...a lot of assholes. And a *lot* of this kind of writing. "Don't start on this magic course unless everything is already going right for you in your life!" is a bit of an absurd demand, and it absolutely undermines any claims to being able to manifest meaningful results. And most importantly, it's judgemental/hurtful/irritating to be around, bevause underpinning it is a message of "you are at fault for the bad things that have happened to you" which everyone of every spiritual persuasion seems so keen to promote, and the fact these guys wave fancy crystal wands about does not make the view any more compelling or correct.

"Magic is a science" please, stop using thst word.

[ciathyzareposts]

Breadth, Depth, and Immersion (ft. The Seventh Link)

The party continues to explore The Seventh Link‘s large world.

              This entry posits a thesis that I’ve never explicitly articulated before and probably haven’t spent enough time thinking about its flaws. I thus particularly invite you to join me in the comments and add or modify the thesis’s tenets. It doesn’t feel to me like a particularly original argument, so I’d also be glad for any references to other writers who have argued something similar.

The thesis is that a perfect game (although this might apply to films and novels, too) is something like a cube–equal and balanced on three dimensions. I am calling those dimensions breadth, depth, and immersion.            

Fate: Gates of Dawn (1991) had an enormous game world and not enough happening within it.

           Breadth refers primarily to the physical size of the game. It can be measured in dungeon squares or tiles, or in modern games the length of time it takes to travel from one end to the other. It also refers to the length of time it takes to play and win the game; while this is often a function of size, it can also be manipulated to make a small game seem larger or a large game seem smaller; for instance, in the use of fast travel (making a large game seem smaller) or the re-use of maps (making a small game seem larger).

Depth refers to the things that you find and to the things that happen within that game world. The specific elements depend on the game’s genre, but for RPGs it includes things like the backstory, lore, NPCs, quests, and character development.             

Two separate multi-volume book series covering the biography of a single NPC might be too much for some games–but not for The Elder Scrolls’ huge game world.

            We’ll get to immersion in a minute, but for now let’s pretend that my thesis has only these two elements, and I’m arguing that a good game is like a square: you want a breadth equal to its depth and vice versa. The easiest way to engage the thesis is to imagine the extremes. A game with extreme breadth and almost no depth would be something like Red Dead Redemption 2 or Fallout 4 if all you could do was explore the map. You’d get bored pretty fast.

The opposite–a game with extreme depth and no breadth–is harder to envision because it almost wouldn’t be a computer game at all. Imagine a game of only a couple of dozen squares in which every time your character moves, you have to read paragraph after paragraph of text and engage in hours-long dialogues with multiple NPCs. The computer part would feel superfluous. The Star Saga games are the closest I can imagine in real life.                

Star Saga (1987) mostly used the computer application to direct “players” to chapters in a several hundred-page book.

            My thesis is that a good game doesn’t have to feature a lot of breadth or depth, but rather than it needs to keep them in balance. It is thus not absurd to argue that Ultima IV is a better game than Dragon Age: Inquisition just even though the latter is bigger and has far more story and lore. The issue isn’t which has more but which does a better job balancing the two. Ultima IV has just enough backstory and in-game dialogue, lore, and other content to support the size of Britannia and the length of the game. If had featured 200 books with as much text as those found in The Elder Scrolls, it would have gone too far. It would also have gone too far it if had featured the same content as it does, but in a world four times the size.

I have seen the phrase “wide as an ocean, deep as a puddle” applied numerous times to Skyrim. I find it unfair, but only a little. I’d say that it’s as wide as the Pacific Ocean but deep as the Arctic Ocean. The game has plenty of depth. It would be insane to argue that it has less depth (e.g., less content, less meaningful NPC interaction, fewer choices, less role-playing) than fan favorites like Dungeon Master, any of the Ultima titles, or even Planescape: Torment. But people aren’t objecting to its absolute depth; they’re objecting to its depth relative to its breadth. When I say a game is “too long” in my GIMLET, I’m not saying that crossed some objective threshold so much as I’m saying that it’s too long for its content.              

Ultima Underworld (1992), through a combination of graphics, sound, and interface, is one of the first games to make you feel truly “immersed” in the setting.

            Let’s talk about the third axis. I debated for a while about including it, but I do think it’s important. Immersion deals with the game’s capacity to make you feel like you are truly “occupying” its world, and it’s primarily a function of graphics and sound–although we must allow for skilled developers who can engage the player’s imagination in the absence of these things, as a good author does.

To understand the importance of this axis, imagine a large game that you believe balances breadth and depth well. Fallout: New Vegas seems to be a fan favorite. Now imagine that it has no sound and the wireframe graphics of Wizardry. Is it still on your top 10 list? No matter how well a game balances size and content, there’s a point at which it becomes “too much” if it can’t fully engage your senses and immerse you in its world.

None of these variables is completely objective, and immersion is probably the least objective of the three. Its importance has a lot to do with your age and experience level with older games. I still think the graphics in Morrowind are beautiful, but last week, I stumbled on a Reddit thread in which someone posted an image of a horse falling over in Red Dead Redemption 2 and leaving a horse-sized imprint in the mud, and half the commenters were complaining that the imprint wasn’t realistic enough. Even among those of us with a high tolerance for primitive graphics, immersion is a mutable characteristic. A game that seems like a solid cube today will slowly flatten as we become used to better graphics and sound.                 

Watching the sunset in Morrowind (2003) still seems lovely to me, but to some people these graphics are hopelessly outdated.

             The greatest developmental sins are committed by RPG authors who fail to consider these elements of balance. Take Fate: Gates of Dawn, which took me 272 hours to win and featured both an enormous outdoor game world as well as enormous, multi-leveled dungeons. It was a game of ridiculous breadth, and while it had a certain amount of depth–perhaps even more than the typical RPG of the time–it didn’t have enough depth to equal the breadth. I still recommend that modern players limit themselves to the opening area and the Cavetrain quest, as those first 50 hours let you experience everything good about the game; the remaining 5/6 of its length is utterly superfluous. Knights of Legend, Wizardry V, and all three Bard’s Tale games are all good examples of games whose size greatly exceed the amount of interesting content they provide.

It’s tough to find reverse examples–too much depth and not enough breadth. I mentioned the Star Saga games earlier, in which you make a move in a computer application and then read pages of text in an accompanying book. I ended up rejecting them not because they weren’t RPGs because they weren’t really computer games. There are other examples of games that wanted to do something epic with their themes but struggled with an interface that could support their intentions. ICON: Quest for the Ring is a good example. The three Richard Seaborne games–particularly Escape from Hell and The Tower of Myraglen–had deep philosophical ambitions that weren’t quite matched by the gameplay experience.               

The Tower of Myraglen (1987) wanted to be more profound than the breadth of the game could really support.

              But even games near-perfectly balanced in depth and breadth often suffer when we consider the immersion axis. I will grant you that there’s a somewhat high threshold before it becomes important. It arguably never becomes important in simple arcade games, and even with RPGs, anyone who argues that Wizardry or Ultima or Dungeons of Daggorath are bad games because of their graphics is expressing an opinion so out-of-touch with my own values that I’d almost regard it as a character flaw. But even I would argue there’s no place for a soundless wireframe game that takes 200 hours. There is a degree to which good descriptive text can substitute for graphics, which is why I often praise games for including it, but even I would probably balk at an all-text Fallout 4. 

Deathlord is a good example of a game that’s reasonably square with breadth and depth but still largely fails because it’s just too big for an iconographic game. I think we’re going to start to see this a lot more with 1990s titles, as the use of hard disk installations allows for physically enormous games that are still a bore to explore. The first Elder Scrolls title, Arena, will probably be an example.

Most people probably wouldn’t argue that a game’s graphics and sound are too good for its breadth and depth, but there are times that you feel that the developer’s wasted immersive engines on limited content. Myst is arguably a good example, if you don’t love its type of puzzles. Eventually, we reach a point at which depth and immersion almost merge–where the graphics and sound are so good that they let you see, hear, and otherwise experience things that would otherwise have to be rendered as dialogue or written text–and that has implications for this thesis that I haven’t fully considered.                 

Fully half of Red Dead Redemption 2‘s game map exists mostly to look nice, with no significant gameplay content.

           This thesis gelled as I play The Seventh Link. If you haven’t been paying attention, developer Jeff Noyle paid a visit in the comments to my last entry and offered some tips and maps, which motivated me to keep going with the title. The game is mechanically sound: Noyle did a good job replicating the basic experience of Ultima III and IV, including combat, while arguably improving the economy and inventory system. The problem is a reduction in content accompanied by an increase in size. Elira alone–let alone the three other planets–is as large as Britannia (from Ultima IV), has almost as many towns and dungeons, and its towns and dungeons are larger. And yet in the entire game, there is less dialogue than a single Britannian town. While an Ultima player has lots of side-quests and sub-quests to accomplish (find the mystics, find the runes, learn the words of power, meditate at shrines, etc.), the Seventh Link player has a much simpler quest with fewer stages. In short, the game’s breadth far exceeds its depth.

When I last blogged about the game, I had explored a couple of dungeon levels but was worried about overextending myself. I think the developer intended a larger, stronger party before tackling the dungeons. Back on the surface, I soon encounter what I most needed: a pirate ship. After slaying the pirates in combat, I was able to board the ship.            

Blasting enemies with the ship’s cannon.

          As in Ultima III–V, the ship has cannons that can be used to mercilessly wipe out approaching enemies, but doing so offers no experience or gold. They’re best used to eliminate enemies you don’t want (e.g., anything that causes poison) so you can spend your hit points and spell points on easier and more lucrative prospects.

I used the boat to reach previously-inaccessible land areas and thus visit a few more towns. In one of them, I got a third character, a cleric named Tharon. One of the towns sold a “flying disk,” but it’s a bit above my price range. I need it to continue exploring the town, although I don’t know if you can take it with you when you leave.             

A second NPC joins the party.

            There are some interesting graphical vignettes in the outdoor area, including doors in the middle of mountain ranges, archipelagos connected by bridges, towns at the end of mazes, towns with lakes in the middle of them, and so on, but none of this interesting geography leads to any depth in gameplay. The towns have the same identical services and one or two lines each of useful dialogue. This makes the land somewhat exhausting to explore, which is why I’m now using the maps that Jeff provided with no shame.              

An interesting environment, and yet the town has no more depth or character than any other town.

           I’m going to make a push to win this in one or two more entries, before I get started with Star Control II, which will require a large devotion of time this weekend.

The final thing I’ll say about breadth, depth, and immersion is that my GIMLET doesn’t reflect them very well. The considerations aren’t entirely absent, but the GIMLET definitely rewards more of everything rather than good balance among the three axes. So far, it hasn’t been a huge problem,  but I think it will become one as time marches on. Mediocre games from the 2000s will end up getting much higher scores than excellent classics just because they have more of everything–more NPCs, more character options, more history and lore, better graphics and sound, and so forth. I’m concerned that the GIMLET’s purely additive system will result in relative scores that I balk at, like Might and Magic IX ranked higher than Might and Magic III or a bore-fest like Kingdoms of Amalur outperforming Pool of Radiance.

I don’t have the answers to this conundrum yet, but sometime this year we’ll have a discussion about potential revisions to the GIMLET that better take these factors (and others) into account. This would be a good time to start organizing your arguments.

source http://reposts.ciathyza.com/breadth-depth-and-immersion-ft-the-seventh-link/

[andrewysanders]

I’m Nine Years Old – The Birth Year

Happy Birthday to me … and by “me”, I mean this website, Life of an Architect. On January 14th, 2010 my life was irrevocably changed, mostly for the better, when I decided to start a blog site and start talking about what it meant to be, and work with, an architect.

In my effort to recognize this milestone, I thought I would take this entire week and write a blog post where I will isolate a year (or two or three) and talk about what happened, what was important, and why it matters. Consider it the ultimate peek behind the scenes … you might just be surprised by what you find out.

Life of an Architect – Year One (2010)

Best decision I made was to name my site ‘Life of an Architect’ … a decision at the time I didn’t consider much. I came up with the name based on a class I took as a Freshman when I was in college. That class was Architecture and Society and was taught by the great (and extremely popular) Larry Speck, FAIA. On the first day of class, before any of us knew who Larry was and just how important a figure he is within the architectural landscape of Texas and beyond, he moseyed on stage and told us that we were in “Architecture and Society” and that he named the class this because the “Architecture” part was self-evident, we were going to be talking about architecture, and “Society” because this gave him the ground to talk about whatever else he wanted to talk about. I applied this same logic when naming my site because I am an architect, and the “Life” part would allow me to talk about whatever I wanted.

Once I came up with a name, oh boy, this was an exciting year. I probably spent at least 20-30 hours a week working on the site and the content. The challenge was trying to learn what I was doing – I started editing photos and graphics in photoshop for the first time, and I meet Paul Anater who seemed to know everyone and was one of my biggest advocates in these early days (read this as evidence of my early reliance on Paul), and Amanda Eden – a Director at a public relations firm that specialized in the AEC industry who introduced me to probably hundreds of people, (and who is responsible in no small way for me starting a podcast) and is a good friend to this very day. Paul and Amanda, in particular, had a major role in those early days but there were countless others who engaged with me in a meaningful way that reshaped my world and I owe gratitude to every single one of them.

I wrote a mind-boggling 180 articles the first year – an average of one every two days. It’s hard to pick my favorite but since that’s my goal for this post, I’ll have to go with the following:

Top Ten Reasons Not to be an Architect Why would I choose this post, considering that I hate it? This post, probably more than any other, put Life of an Architect on the map and my online visibility shot through the roof. I even wrote a post describing how much I hated having written this post (Evil Top Ten List – I Hate You). Despite this internal turmoil I was going through, everything was happening really fast and every bit of it was exciting. In a relatively short period of time, I went from some guy in the next cubicle to having people from all over the world reaching out to me as if I had something worth reading – which was the root of the next big struggle I would face, but I’ll eventually get into that later.

Let’s take a look at how the traffic was growing and how this understandably shaped my behavior.

I have since learned that the people whose opinions I care about don’t give two shakes when it comes to website traffic and the metrics behind this site. The people that are most interested either write a blog themselves and are looking for some basis of comparison, or they are AEC industry-related folks that are looking to collaborate in some capacity.

Even though the born-on date for Life of an Architect is January 14th, I didn’t learn about or set up Google Analytics until early March. You can look at the graph above and you’ll see what I mean – just as you can start to see the rate at which the traffic started to grow. While this amount of traffic seems downright pedestrian to me now, it was a big deal in the beginning. Once I had basically learned how to “blog” I would have quit if it wasn’t for the on-going challenge I set for myself on how to continue this growth. I don’t really want to put it in writing because I find it a bit shameful, but this period came across as a huge validation to the things I hold intrinsic to my core values, not to mention a huge boost to my ego.

In the beginning, despite the fact that I didn’t think anyone would actually find OR read my site, I made the decision to be my truest self and not pretend to be something that I am not. This was a frightening decision because the opportunity to embarrass myself was coming at the rate of every other day (every 1.95 days if you want to get specific).

I know that some people will find it incredible that I would share the metrics of my site so openly, something that I’ve never cared much about. I’ve only had it really be an issue twice in nine years – once was when I was submitting my application for Fellows in the AIA and one of the elder statesman (who I barely know and don’t have any history with) here in Dallas started telling some people that I was lying about the numbers. Luckily I had someone who came to my support and shut all that nonsense down. The other time was much more recent when I had started the podcast. I was looking to understand how different the metrics were between blogging and podcasting so I reached out to a friend of mine who has been podcasting for some time and I asked for some help – ultimately, and rather disappointingly, I think they viewed me as competition and elected not to share any information with me. I have a policy of transparency on my site and if someone wants to know something that I know, I am going to tell them. To this day I wish this was something that more architects would practice.

Year One Page views – 518,635 Year One Countries/ Territories – 190 Year One Top Five Cities – Dallas, New York, London, Lisbon, and Los Angeles

I should point out that the blog was beginning to take its toll on my family during this period. The blog at this point was basically an exercise in learning how to do something new and I did not have the support of the office where I worked to spend time on it during office hours – which I totally understand. What that meant was all the time I dedicated to the blog was during my evenings and on weekends. The time it took to prepare an article every two days, while trying to expand the reach, learn about all the moving parts associated with social media, etc. meant that I was spending the equivalent of another full-time job on what was essentially a hobby. To say that this caused stress in my house would be an understatement as it wasn’t just my burden – it affected everyone. My daughter was 5 years old at this time and considering that she went to bed really early and that kept us in the house, this allowed me additional consideration to spending the sort of exorbitant time needed to develop the blog. I think if my daughter was just a bit older when I started, this blog would most likely not exist.

Popular Posts

Here’s the thing about trying to track the most popular posts from a given year. If I write a popular post in January, as opposed to November, it has all year to acquire page views (a page view is basically an indication of the number of times a particular post was read). The other way to track popularity is to look at how many times a post was accessed on the day it was actually published – which it should not come as a surprise that this was a metric that I tracked for years. For the purposes of these birthday posts, I decided to go with the most viewed post over the course of a year because as it turns out, there are a handful of posts that show up time and time again regardless of when the post was originally written.

#1 – Top Ten Reasons to Be an Architect (18,387 year one page views) If you have ever considered being an architect, here is a list of reasons why you should be an architect.

This is one of what I consider the “Holy Trinity” of blog posts on my site. Turns out this is actually a pretty well thought out post and for people who are considering becoming an architect, this is a great place to start your indoctrination. A thoroughly positive piece with room for all sorts of various career trajectories within the profession.

#2 – How to Spot a Hippie (17,255 year one page views) Time has not been kind to most hippies, something that I am at a loss to explain. All that love and kindness, a healthy lifestyle, proper diet, What gives? So in a matter of moments, I put together my list of today’s modern day hippie requirements. 

This is the post where I get the meanest comments by a mile. I have considered turning the comments off for this post but I never do – if I am going to dish it out I have to be prepared to take it … and let me tell you I take a lot.

I gave my first public presentation on social media at the Texas Society of Architects convention in 2010. I was contacted by the Society and asked to do this presentation just three months after I started the site. At the time I was horrified that I was being asked to do this – I had literally just begun the site so what sort of insight can I honestly bring to the mix. As it turns out the message I delivered in that presentation is the same one that I deliver now:

 Architects need to be talking about architecture to people who aren’t architects. 

This presentation turned out to be the first moment when an important milestone became a possibility. My college professor, Larry Speck, was in the audience for this presentation and he told me it was at this moment that he thought I was on to something special and why he ultimately asked to sponsor my elevation to Fellowship in the American Institute of Architects – an achievement that had never been on my radar as a possibility.

Tomorrow will be a look at years two and three when things really start heating up. I hope you will join me for the rest of the story. If I’ve left out a tale you were interested in, or possibly have a question you would like me to answer, please feel free to add it to the comment section.

Cheers,

from Home https://www.lifeofanarchitect.com/im-nine-years-old-the-birth-year/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

[oovitus]

An Apology, Clearing up Some Confusion, and the Need to Say No

By Joshua Fields Millburn · Follow: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Google+

An Apology

My sincerest apologies to the folks who attended our Washington, DC, event last month: it was the first show I’ve missed in the seven years we’ve been touring as The Minimalists.

On the day of that event, I was suffering from the effects of a nasty virus—likely contracted from my child or caught while dishing out hundreds of free hugs—and I had to get an emergency IV drip. There was no way I could’ve made it to the theater that night, let alone the main stage, but thankfully Ryan and the rest of the team held down the fort in my absence.

After being bedridden with a wicked fever for two days, I mustered what little strength I could to make it to our subsequent events in Atlanta and Tampa, albeit in a diminished capacity. Although my health has been improving slowly since those events, I’ve still been feeling ill the past three weeks, and this illness has taught me a lot about pushing past my limits.

The Need to Say No

I often find comfort in my discomfort zone—that’s the place from which we grow. But when I stretch too far, my health suffers, and the result isn’t good for anyone—my audience, my family, my friends, and I all suffer.

The last three weeks have given me time to scrutinize my grueling schedule, and I realized something unfortunate: over the past year, my life has gradually become busy. Ugh! There isn’t a more vulgar four-letter word in the English language.

Of course, it didn’t happen overnight. In fact, I’ve been good at avoiding busyness since I left the corporate world seven years ago. But every time I say yes to something, I’m indirectly saying no to something else. And this year is the first time since my corporate days I’ve said yes too much.

Within the last twelve months, we released our documentary on Netflix, started working on two new film projects, moved our families to Los Angeles, began building a podcast and film studio, produced our first physical good, wrote dozens of essays, recorded more than 60 podcast episodes, interviewed with more than 100 media outlets, and embarked on a 50-city international tour.

On their own, these are all worthwhile endeavors. But crammed into one year, it’s too much—especially considering I’ve been dealing with C. Diff, mercury poisoning, multiple chemical sensitivities, and daily physical therapy for my back. I’m simply not as durable as I like to pretend.

You see, sometimes when I say yes to something that’s seemingly “important,” I’m inadvertently saying no to something else that’s even more important: health, relationships, creativity. Which means that, going forward, I must do a better job saying no to anything that isn’t a true priority—even the good stuff. So I’m scaling back in the following ways.

Fewer projects. I’m saying yes to only one major project at a time. The next project we’ll be working on as The Minimalists is a new film that’s one part documentary, one part TED Talk, and one part stand-up special. All other new projects will simmer on the back burner until this one is complete.

Back to basics. The creative work that fuels me the most is writing and podcasting. So, in the vein of “fewer projects,” these creative outlets—mixed with our new film project—will receive the bulk of my attention in 2018. I think of this trio of creativity as a three-legged table: each leg is a necessary part of our creative output, and they each play an equal role in helping us communicate with our audience effectively. The table is sturdy with three legs—adding more seems superfluous.

Reduced social media. As an experiment, we will spend January away from social media. We’re confident it will help us determine how to better use these platforms going forward. I’ll definitely write an essay about the experience once it’s over.

Less growth. Through a combination of luck and hard work, we’ve been fortunate to reach a large audience with our work, but I’m no longer interested in “scaling up.” Sure, I want our message to reach as many eyes and ears as possible, but I believe the best way to do this isn’t via the traditional tropes of “content generation”; rather, I want to focus on meaningful creations, without worrying about what will “resonate” or “go viral”—and certainly without endlessly promoting our “brand.”

Promoless. I listen to a lot of podcasts, I see a lot of billboards, and I even notice it encroaching upon my own work: there’s too much “branding” going on these days. No, there aren’t any advertisements on our website or podcast, but even I am guilty of too much self-promotion that gets in the way of my own creations. Perhaps Derek Sivers said it best: putting ads in your work is like putting a Coke machine in a monastery. I’m beginning to feel the same about all the shameless self-promotion that’s going on these days, including my own. Tweets and photos and status updates. It’s solipsism run amuck. And I’m pledging to remove the Coke machine from the monastery immediately so you can better enjoy what I’m creating without the promotional eyesores. Yes, I’ll occasionally talk about what I’m working on—including events, books, and projects—but I won’t let it get in the way of what I’m creating. If anything, promotion should be similar to the end credits of a film, not the main plot.

Fewer interviews. From every major newspaper, radio program, and TV show to the tiniest podcasts, Ryan and I have probably accepted a thousand interviews over the last half-decade, and I’ve said everything I need to say to the media. So, unless you’re Joe Rogan, don’t be surprised if I say no to your interview request next year. Don’t worry, it’s not you—it’s me. As a policy, I have to say no, so I can say yes to my life.

Fewer events. Our Less Is Now tour is finally coming to an end, and truth be told, touring is probably the straw that broke my back this year. It pains me to say this because I absolutely love our live events. But nonstop touring is challenging. Thankfully, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. This weekend Ryan & I will end our year with just two stops in Detroit and Milwaukee. Then, in January, we have only one charity event in Las Vegas (profits go to the Las Vegas Victims Fund). Finally, in March 2018, after a two-month break, we’re going to Australia and New Zealand to end the tour. And then we’re finished for a while. Yes, we’re honoring these commitments, and I’m truly excited to see you on the road, but then we’re saying no to new events for a while because 50 events in one year is too much. Too much for me, at least (Ryan is far more durable than I am). So, after a long break next year, we’ll determine what’s appropriate going forward. Whatever the number is, it’ll be considerably less than our current pace. Right now, I’m thinking maybe a couple live events per quarter—maybe fewer, maybe none. We’ll see.

Less travel. I’ve been on nearly a hundred flights this year, which is taxing on my body. By doing fewer tour stops and fewer speaking gigs next year, I’ll reduce the majority of my travel, but the cold truth is I don’t enjoy traveling. I have peripatetic friends who live for driving to the next city, flying to the next country, visiting as many new places as possible. That ain’t me. I don’t like flights or long car rides, and it’s difficult for me to sleep on the road. So I plan on reducing my globetrotting by 80% next year, which, paradoxically, might help me enjoy my limited travels a bit more.

Clearing up Some Confusion in Detroit & Milwaukee

Somewhat unrelated tour news: Due to a website error with the ticket vendors, it appeared as if our events in Detroit on December 8th and Milwaukee on December 9th were sold out of regular tickets. That error has been fixed—sorry for the confusion.

While most of our tour stops have sold out this year, there are still regular and VIP tickets left for both of these events. It’s going to be a fun weekend—our friend Colin Wright is going to join us in both cities. Hope to see you there!

Subscribe to The Minimalists via email.

An Apology, Clearing up Some Confusion, and the Need to Say No published first on http://ift.tt/2iVxKPq

[oovitus]

An Apology, Clearing up Some Confusion, and the Need to Say No

By Joshua Fields Millburn · Follow: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Google+

An Apology

My sincerest apologies to the folks who attended our Washington, DC, event last month: it was the first show I’ve missed in the seven years we’ve been touring as The Minimalists.

On the day of that event, I was suffering from the effects of a nasty virus—likely contracted from my child or caught while dishing out hundreds of free hugs—and I had to get an emergency IV drip. There was no way I could’ve made it to the theater that night, let alone the main stage, but thankfully Ryan and the rest of the team held down the fort in my absence.

After being bedridden with a wicked fever for two days, I mustered what little strength I could to make it to our subsequent events in Atlanta and Tampa, albeit in a diminished capacity. Although my health has been improving slowly since those events, I’ve still been feeling ill the past three weeks, and this illness has taught me a lot about pushing past my limits.

The Need to Say No

I often find comfort in my discomfort zone—that’s the place from which we grow. But when I stretch too far, my health suffers, and the result isn’t good for anyone—my audience, my family, my friends, and I all suffer.

The last three weeks have given me time to scrutinize my grueling schedule, and I realized something unfortunate: over the past year, my life has gradually become busy. Ugh! There isn’t a more vulgar four-letter word in the English language.

Of course, it didn’t happen overnight. In fact, I’ve been good at avoiding busyness since I left the corporate world seven years ago. But every time I say yes to something, I’m indirectly saying no to something else. And this year is the first time since my corporate days I’ve said yes too much.

Within the last twelve months, we released our documentary on Netflix, started working on two new film projects, moved our families to Los Angeles, began building a podcast and film studio, produced our first physical good, wrote dozens of essays, recorded more than 60 podcast episodes, interviewed with more than 100 media outlets, and embarked on a 50-city international tour.

On their own, these are all worthwhile endeavors. But crammed into one year, it’s too much—especially considering I’ve been dealing with C. Diff, mercury poisoning, multiple chemical sensitivities, and daily physical therapy for my back. I’m simply not as durable as I like to pretend.

You see, sometimes when I say yes to something that’s seemingly “important,” I’m inadvertently saying no to something else that’s even more important: health, relationships, creativity. Which means that, going forward, I must do a better job saying no to anything that isn’t a true priority—even the good stuff. So I’m scaling back in the following ways.

Fewer projects. I’m saying yes to only one major project at a time. The next project we’ll be working on as The Minimalists is a new film that’s one part documentary, one part TED Talk, and one part stand-up special. All other new projects will simmer on the back burner until this one is complete.

Back to basics. The creative work that fuels me the most is writing and podcasting. So, in the vein of “fewer projects,” these creative outlets—mixed with our new film project—will receive the bulk of my attention in 2018. I think of this trio of creativity as a three-legged table: each leg is a necessary part of our creative output, and they each play an equal role in helping us communicate with our audience effectively. The table is sturdy with three legs—adding more seems superfluous.

Reduced social media. As an experiment, we will spend January away from social media. We’re confident it will help us determine how to better use these platforms going forward. I’ll definitely write an essay about the experience once it’s over.

Less growth. Through a combination of luck and hard work, we’ve been fortunate to reach a large audience with our work, but I’m no longer interested in “scaling up.” Sure, I want our message to reach as many eyes and ears as possible, but I believe the best way to do this isn’t via the traditional tropes of “content generation”; rather, I want to focus on meaningful creations, without worrying about what will “resonate” or “go viral”—and certainly without endlessly promoting our “brand.”

Promoless. I listen to a lot of podcasts, I see a lot of billboards, and I even notice it encroaching upon my own work: there’s too much “branding” going on these days. No, there aren’t any advertisements on our website or podcast, but even I am guilty of too much self-promotion that gets in the way of my own creations. Perhaps Derek Sivers said it best: putting ads in your work is like putting a Coke machine in a monastery. I’m beginning to feel the same about all the shameless self-promotion that’s going on these days, including my own. Tweets and photos and status updates. It’s solipsism run amuck. And I’m pledging to remove the Coke machine from the monastery immediately so you can better enjoy what I’m creating without the promotional eyesores. Yes, I’ll occasionally talk about what I’m working on—including events, books, and projects—but I won’t let it get in the way of what I’m creating. If anything, promotion should be similar to the end credits of a film, not the main plot.

Fewer interviews. From every major newspaper, radio program, and TV show to the tiniest podcasts, Ryan and I have probably accepted a thousand interviews over the last half-decade, and I’ve said everything I need to say to the media. So, unless you’re Joe Rogan, don’t be surprised if I say no to your interview request next year. Don’t worry, it’s not you—it’s me. As a policy, I have to say no, so I can say yes to my life.

Fewer events. Our Less Is Now tour is finally coming to an end, and truth be told, touring is probably the straw that broke my back this year. It pains me to say this because I absolutely love our live events. But nonstop touring is challenging. Thankfully, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. This weekend Ryan & I will end our year with just two stops in Detroit and Milwaukee. Then, in January, we have only one charity event in Las Vegas (profits go to the Las Vegas Victims Fund). Finally, in March 2018, after a two-month break, we’re going to Australia and New Zealand to end the tour. And then we’re finished for a while. Yes, we’re honoring these commitments, and I’m truly excited to see you on the road, but then we’re saying no to new events for a while because 50 events in one year is too much. Too much for me, at least (Ryan is far more durable than I am). So, after a long break next year, we’ll determine what’s appropriate going forward. Whatever the number is, it’ll be considerably less than our current pace. Right now, I’m thinking maybe a couple live events per quarter—maybe fewer, maybe none. We’ll see.

Less travel. I’ve been on nearly a hundred flights this year, which is taxing on my body. By doing fewer tour stops and fewer speaking gigs next year, I’ll reduce the majority of my travel, but the cold truth is I don’t enjoy traveling. I have peripatetic friends who live for driving to the next city, flying to the next country, visiting as many new places as possible. That ain’t me. I don’t like flights or long car rides, and it’s difficult for me to sleep on the road. So I plan on reducing my globetrotting by 80% next year, which, paradoxically, might help me enjoy my limited travels a bit more.

Clearing up Some Confusion in Detroit & Milwaukee

Somewhat unrelated tour news: Due to a website error with the ticket vendors, it appeared as if our events in Detroit on December 8th and Milwaukee on December 9th were sold out of regular tickets. That error has been fixed—sorry for the confusion.

While most of our tour stops have sold out this year, there are still regular and VIP tickets left for both of these events. It’s going to be a fun weekend—our friend Colin Wright is going to join us in both cities. Hope to see you there!

Subscribe to The Minimalists via email.

An Apology, Clearing up Some Confusion, and the Need to Say No published first on

[oovitus]

An Apology, Clearing up Some Confusion, and the Need to Say No

By Joshua Fields Millburn · Follow: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Google+

An Apology

My sincerest apologies to the folks who attended our Washington, DC, event last month: it was the first show I’ve missed in the seven years we’ve been touring as The Minimalists.

On the day of that event, I was suffering from the effects of a nasty virus—likely contracted from my child or caught while dishing out hundreds of free hugs—and I had to get an emergency IV drip. There was no way I could’ve made it to the theater that night, let alone the main stage, but thankfully Ryan and the rest of the team held down the fort in my absence.

After being bedridden with a wicked fever for two days, I mustered what little strength I could to make it to our subsequent events in Atlanta and Tampa, albeit in a diminished capacity. Although my health has been improving slowly since those events, I’ve still been feeling ill the past three weeks, and this illness has taught me a lot about pushing past my limits.

The Need to Say No

I often find comfort in my discomfort zone—that’s the place from which we grow. But when I stretch too far, my health suffers, and the result isn’t good for anyone—my audience, my family, my friends, and I all suffer.

The last three weeks have given me time to scrutinize my grueling schedule, and I realized something unfortunate: over the past year, my life has gradually become busy. Ugh! There isn’t a more vulgar four-letter word in the English language.

Of course, it didn’t happen overnight. In fact, I’ve been good at avoiding busyness since I left the corporate world seven years ago. But every time I say yes to something, I’m indirectly saying no to something else. And this year is the first time since my corporate days I’ve said yes too much.

Within the last twelve months, we released our documentary on Netflix, started working on two new film projects, moved our families to Los Angeles, began building a podcast and film studio, produced our first physical good, wrote dozens of essays, recorded more than 60 podcast episodes, interviewed with more than 100 media outlets, and embarked on a 50-city international tour.

On their own, these are all worthwhile endeavors. But crammed into one year, it’s too much—especially considering I’ve been dealing with C. Diff, mercury poisoning, multiple chemical sensitivities, and daily physical therapy for my back. I’m simply not as durable as I like to pretend.

You see, sometimes when I say yes to something that’s seemingly “important,” I’m inadvertently saying no to something else that’s even more important: health, relationships, creativity. Which means that, going forward, I must do a better job saying no to anything that isn’t a true priority—even the good stuff. So I’m scaling back in the following ways.

Fewer projects. I’m saying yes to only one major project at a time. The next project we’ll be working on as The Minimalists is a new film that’s one part documentary, one part TED Talk, and one part stand-up special. All other new projects will simmer on the back burner until this one is complete.

Back to basics. The creative work that fuels me the most is writing and podcasting. So, in the vein of “fewer projects,” these creative outlets—mixed with our new film project—will receive the bulk of my attention in 2018. I think of this trio of creativity as a three-legged table: each leg is a necessary part of our creative output, and they each play an equal role in helping us communicate with our audience effectively. The table is sturdy with three legs—adding more seems superfluous.

Reduced social media. As an experiment, we will spend January away from social media. We’re confident it will help us determine how to better use these platforms going forward. I’ll definitely write an essay about the experience once it’s over.

Less growth. Through a combination of luck and hard work, we’ve been fortunate to reach a large audience with our work, but I’m no longer interested in “scaling up.” Sure, I want our message to reach as many eyes and ears as possible, but I believe the best way to do this isn’t via the traditional tropes of “content generation”; rather, I want to focus on meaningful creations, without worrying about what will “resonate” or “go viral”—and certainly without endlessly promoting our “brand.”

Promoless. I listen to a lot of podcasts, I see a lot of billboards, and I even notice it encroaching upon my own work: there’s too much “branding” going on these days. No, there aren’t any advertisements on our website or podcast, but even I am guilty of too much self-promotion that gets in the way of my own creations. Perhaps Derek Sivers said it best: putting ads in your work is like putting a Coke machine in a monastery. I’m beginning to feel the same about all the shameless self-promotion that’s going on these days, including my own. Tweets and photos and status updates. It’s solipsism run amuck. And I’m pledging to remove the Coke machine from the monastery immediately so you can better enjoy what I’m creating without the promotional eyesores. Yes, I’ll occasionally talk about what I’m working on—including events, books, and projects—but I won’t let it get in the way of what I’m creating. If anything, promotion should be similar to the end credits of a film, not the main plot.

Fewer interviews. From every major newspaper, radio program, and TV show to the tiniest podcasts, Ryan and I have probably accepted a thousand interviews over the last half-decade, and I’ve said everything I need to say to the media. So, unless you’re Joe Rogan, don’t be surprised if I say no to your interview request next year. Don’t worry, it’s not you—it’s me. As a policy, I have to say no, so I can say yes to my life.

Fewer events. Our Less Is Now tour is finally coming to an end, and truth be told, touring is probably the straw that broke my back this year. It pains me to say this because I absolutely love our live events. But nonstop touring is challenging. Thankfully, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. This weekend Ryan & I will end our year with just two stops in Detroit and Milwaukee. Then, in January, we have only one charity event in Las Vegas (profits go to the Las Vegas Victims Fund). Finally, in March 2018, after a two-month break, we’re going to Australia and New Zealand to end the tour. And then we’re finished for a while. Yes, we’re honoring these commitments, and I’m truly excited to see you on the road, but then we’re saying no to new events for a while because 50 events in one year is too much. Too much for me, at least (Ryan is far more durable than I am). So, after a long break next year, we’ll determine what’s appropriate going forward. Whatever the number is, it’ll be considerably less than our current pace. Right now, I’m thinking maybe a couple live events per quarter—maybe fewer, maybe none. We’ll see.

Less travel. I’ve been on nearly a hundred flights this year, which is taxing on my body. By doing fewer tour stops and fewer speaking gigs next year, I’ll reduce the majority of my travel, but the cold truth is I don’t enjoy traveling. I have peripatetic friends who live for driving to the next city, flying to the next country, visiting as many new places as possible. That ain’t me. I don’t like flights or long car rides, and it’s difficult for me to sleep on the road. So I plan on reducing my globetrotting by 80% next year, which, paradoxically, might help me enjoy my limited travels a bit more.

Clearing up Some Confusion in Detroit & Milwaukee

Somewhat unrelated tour news: Due to a website error with the ticket vendors, it appeared as if our events in Detroit on December 8th and Milwaukee on December 9th were sold out of regular tickets. That error has been fixed—sorry for the confusion.

While most of our tour stops have sold out this year, there are still regular and VIP tickets left for both of these events. It’s going to be a fun weekend—our friend Colin Wright is going to join us in both cities. Hope to see you there!

Subscribe to The Minimalists via email.

An Apology, Clearing up Some Confusion, and the Need to Say No published first on http://ift.tt/2iVxKPq

[oovitus]

An Apology, Clearing up Some Confusion, and the Need to Say No

By Joshua Fields Millburn · Follow: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Google+

An Apology

My sincerest apologies to the folks who attended our Washington, DC, event last month: it was the first show I’ve missed in the seven years we’ve been touring as The Minimalists.

On the day of that event, I was suffering from the effects of a nasty virus—likely contracted from my child or caught while dishing out hundreds of free hugs—and I had to get an emergency IV drip. There was no way I could’ve made it to the theater that night, let alone the main stage, but thankfully Ryan and the rest of the team held down the fort in my absence.

After being bedridden with a wicked fever for two days, I mustered what little strength I could to make it to our subsequent events in Atlanta and Tampa, albeit in a diminished capacity. Although my health has been improving slowly since those events, I’ve still been feeling ill the past three weeks, and this illness has taught me a lot about pushing past my limits.

The Need to Say No

I often find comfort in my discomfort zone—that’s the place from which we grow. But when I stretch too far, my health suffers, and the result isn’t good for anyone—my audience, my family, my friends, and I all suffer.

The last three weeks have given me time to scrutinize my grueling schedule, and I realized something unfortunate: over the past year, my life has gradually become busy. Ugh! There isn’t a more vulgar four-letter word in the English language.

Of course, it didn’t happen overnight. In fact, I’ve been good at avoiding busyness since I left the corporate world seven years ago. But every time I say yes to something, I’m indirectly saying no to something else. And this year is the first time since my corporate days I’ve said yes too much.

Within the last twelve months, we released our documentary on Netflix, started working on two new film projects, moved our families to Los Angeles, began building a podcast and film studio, produced our first physical good, wrote dozens of essays, recorded more than 60 podcast episodes, interviewed with more than 100 media outlets, and embarked on a 50-city international tour.

On their own, these are all worthwhile endeavors. But crammed into one year, it’s too much—especially considering I’ve been dealing with C. Diff, mercury poisoning, multiple chemical sensitivities, and daily physical therapy for my back. I’m simply not as durable as I like to pretend.

You see, sometimes when I say yes to something that’s seemingly “important,” I’m inadvertently saying no to something else that’s even more important: health, relationships, creativity. Which means that, going forward, I must do a better job saying no to anything that isn’t a true priority—even the good stuff. So I’m scaling back in the following ways.

Fewer projects. I’m saying yes to only one major project at a time. The next project we’ll be working on as The Minimalists is a new film that’s one part documentary, one part TED Talk, and one part stand-up special. All other new projects will simmer on the back burner until this one is complete.

Back to basics. The creative work that fuels me the most is writing and podcasting. So, in the vein of “fewer projects,” these creative outlets—mixed with our new film project—will receive the bulk of my attention in 2018. I think of this trio of creativity as a three-legged table: each leg is a necessary part of our creative output, and they each play an equal role in helping us communicate with our audience effectively. The table is sturdy with three legs—adding more seems superfluous.

Reduced social media. As an experiment, we will spend January away from social media. We’re confident it will help us determine how to better use these platforms going forward. I’ll definitely write an essay about the experience once it’s over.

Less growth. Through a combination of luck and hard work, we’ve been fortunate to reach a large audience with our work, but I’m no longer interested in “scaling up.” Sure, I want our message to reach as many eyes and ears as possible, but I believe the best way to do this isn’t via the traditional tropes of “content generation”; rather, I want to focus on meaningful creations, without worrying about what will “resonate” or “go viral”—and certainly without endlessly promoting our “brand.”

Promoless. I listen to a lot of podcasts, I see a lot of billboards, and I even notice it encroaching upon my own work: there’s too much “branding” going on these days. No, there aren’t any advertisements on our website or podcast, but even I am guilty of too much self-promotion that gets in the way of my own creations. Perhaps Derek Sivers said it best: putting ads in your work is like putting a Coke machine in a monastery. I’m beginning to feel the same about all the shameless self-promotion that’s going on these days, including my own. Tweets and photos and status updates. It’s solipsism run amuck. And I’m pledging to remove the Coke machine from the monastery immediately so you can better enjoy what I’m creating without the promotional eyesores. Yes, I’ll occasionally talk about what I’m working on—including events, books, and projects—but I won’t let it get in the way of what I’m creating. If anything, promotion should be similar to the end credits of a film, not the main plot.

Fewer interviews. From every major newspaper, radio program, and TV show to the tiniest podcasts, Ryan and I have probably accepted a thousand interviews over the last half-decade, and I’ve said everything I need to say to the media. So, unless you’re Joe Rogan, don’t be surprised if I say no to your interview request next year. Don’t worry, it’s not you—it’s me. As a policy, I have to say no, so I can say yes to my life.

Fewer events. Our Less Is Now tour is finally coming to an end, and truth be told, touring is probably the straw that broke my back this year. It pains me to say this because I absolutely love our live events. But nonstop touring is challenging. Thankfully, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. This weekend Ryan & I will end our year with just two stops in Detroit and Milwaukee. Then, in January, we have only one charity event in Las Vegas (profits go to the Las Vegas Victims Fund). Finally, in March 2018, after a two-month break, we’re going to Australia and New Zealand to end the tour. And then we’re finished for a while. Yes, we’re honoring these commitments, and I’m truly excited to see you on the road, but then we’re saying no to new events for a while because 50 events in one year is too much. Too much for me, at least (Ryan is far more durable than I am). So, after a long break next year, we’ll determine what’s appropriate going forward. Whatever the number is, it’ll be considerably less than our current pace. Right now, I’m thinking maybe a couple live events per quarter—maybe fewer, maybe none. We’ll see.

Less travel. I’ve been on nearly a hundred flights this year, which is taxing on my body. By doing fewer tour stops and fewer speaking gigs next year, I’ll reduce the majority of my travel, but the cold truth is I don’t enjoy traveling. I have peripatetic friends who live for driving to the next city, flying to the next country, visiting as many new places as possible. That ain’t me. I don’t like flights or long car rides, and it’s difficult for me to sleep on the road. So I plan on reducing my globetrotting by 80% next year, which, paradoxically, might help me enjoy my limited travels a bit more.

Clearing up Some Confusion in Detroit & Milwaukee

Somewhat unrelated tour news: Due to a website error with the ticket vendors, it appeared as if our events in Detroit on December 8th and Milwaukee on December 9th were sold out of regular tickets. That error has been fixed—sorry for the confusion.

While most of our tour stops have sold out this year, there are still regular and VIP tickets left for both of these events. It’s going to be a fun weekend—our friend Colin Wright is going to join us in both cities. Hope to see you there!

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An Apology, Clearing up Some Confusion, and the Need to Say No published first on