#like alice why did you do that …. the second hand embarrassment was off the charts …..

[desolate-flame]

dyhard is the ultimate cringefail x cringefail pairing im obsessed with them

[sweeethinny]

Wildflower - Chapter 1

one more chapter, i'm excited about this story, i hope you like it as much as i do <3

Thank you @startanewdream who read and opined on some things <3

AO3 | FF. NET | PLAYLIST

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| L. E |

The room was quiet, everyone paying attention to what the Professor was saying and presenting on the slides, with all those graphs and statistics that made Lily almost sleep with her eyes open. She loved her course, but calculus class wasn't her favorite, it wasn't even in her top three preferences.

Lily would rather have a full day of Environmental Chemistry with Professor Hagrid than one more with Burbage.

"Aren't you going to write down what she's saying?" Severus muttered beside her, making her nearly jump in her chair in fright, her heart racing at being pulled out of the quiet of her mind. "Hey, calm down."

"I already wrote down the important one." Lily shrugged, seeing her representation of the chart in the notebook and her lazy scribble of what the Professor had said.

"I won't lend you my notebook to study," he whispered, a smirk on his lips. Lily rolled her eyes, resting her head on her hand again, no longer listening to Burbage's voice.

Was it so early, why did she like to make students suffer like that?

"I don't need to, thanks." Severus didn't respond, but he kissed her on the cheek and then turned his attention back to class, much more interested than she was.

She still hadn't forgotten about their fight after the party Saturday, and all the embarrassment he put her through, and Lily was still hurting, even though she didn't understand why it hurt so much. He explained to her that he was trying to protect her, and the next day, he took her for brunch at her favorite restaurant, which was near a flower shop where Severus bought her flowers. Her favorites.

He was sorry, and Lily had to stop mulling things over even days after they had happened.

"Excuse me, Professor?" A female voice woke her, looking toward the door where one of the cheerleaders was standing.

The girl was beautiful, Lily had seen her before in the presentations in between games - the few she went to - and in the hallways of college; she had long brown hair and eyes almost the same color, and Lily knew the line of boys wanting her wasn't short.

“Say it, Miss Fortescue,” Burbage said, not looking overly excited at being interrupted. ‘I have no time to waste.’

“It'll be quick, I swear.” The girl walked into the room, wearing her red college sweatshirt and simple jeans, and even so, she looked stunning. Lily was a little jealous of her.

‘Me, and the Hogwarts Cheerleaders team, are passing by to remind you that applications to join the Team begin today. You need to have a minimal knowledge of ice skating, and be able to train three times a week, and twice a month on Saturdays. In addition to keeping in mind that if chosen, you will have to travel with us when necessary, and participate in our activities off the field.'’ She smiled, looking at everyone there waiting for questions or any interruptions, but when no one raised a hand, she continued;

‘’To apply you just need to talk to me, or any other cheerleader, and fill in the form. The tests will start next week, so you have plenty of time to think about whether you want to or not.” She waited a few more seconds, then smiled at the woman. "Thank you so much, Professor, excuse me." And she left.

Side conversations began, even though Burbage was trying to restrain the students, but Lily didn't care too much, wondering whether or not she should take the test. Of course she didn't have a body like the other girls, their waists looked almost unreal, but she could try, right? It looked so much fun the few times she watched it, and Lily had been balletting as a child until her mid-teens, when she started to put on weight and Petunia kept saying she was getting too fat to dance.

She could at least try. Maybe she couldn't get in, there were probably girls who had trained her entire life for it, Lily knew it was a competitive sport that many took very seriously, but… She could try.

Lily skated really well too, another reason she should try, and-

"You'd think she'd at least be embarrassed to appear in public, but no," Severus whispered, making Lily look at him not quite understanding what he was talking about, having once again become lost in her thoughts. "God, Lily, pay attention!"

‘‘Sorry, I was thinking. Who has to have courage?’’

‘‘Alice. That captain of the cheerleaders. She was seen having sex in the car with one of the players late last year… Such a bitch.” Severus rolled his eyes, looking almost offended by what she had done. ‘‘But what to expect, all are.’’

"I wanted to take the test," Lily whispered, feeling a weight drop in her stomach that made all her courage drain away.

'’Why? Do you want to wear those short skirts and show your ass for a bunch of men to see? And still call it dancing? Christ, Lily, have a little respect for yourself.” He turned forward, not seeming to want to hear her answer, but Lily ignored the movement and continued;

‘But… it looks so cool, and maybe I don't even come in and-’

‘Lils, I'm a man, listen to what I tell you, these girls don't dance because they like it, they dance because they want to have a dick to suck at the end of the day and get something in return; sometimes a higher note, or sometimes just the gratification of having sucked that dick. You're not like them, you don't need that.”

| J . P |

"Look who's here, our Geppetto!" Remus said, a wide grin on his face and the glass of orange juice raised to James, who was now bitterly regretting not having changed after his carpentry practice class.

"Dude, shut up." James chuckled, not even wanting to argue about how old this joke was getting and that they should try harder. "I can't believe we're not joking about the fact that Sirius needs to wear a wig in his class."

"We did, but you were late, mate." Remus seemed indifferent to James' attempt to shift his attention to Sirius, drinking all of his juice before looking at him more closely. "Marlene put makeup on you?"

"Yeah, is there a problem?" He put his hand to his jaw, no longer as purple and sore as it had been on Saturday, but still too disgusting an orange color to show everyone on the first day of his sophomore year. James had a bit of self-esteem even though it kept him from doing that. "It was horrible."

"Yeah, it's not pretty now." Peter pulled James' face to the side, wanting to see more detail, and that made the pain in the back of his neck return. "But it's better than before."

"Peter, my head." James pushed him away, touching where the back of his neck ached and trying to ease some of the pain that was still bothering him. The doctor had said it would hurt for a few more days, but James couldn't take the headaches anymore. "That asshole was lucky I was drunk."

"I still don't understand why he punched you," Sirius said, the pink wig still in his hands, trying to untangle the strands. "The girl said you didn't even touch her."

‘’I didn't touch it. Man, I don't even remember her face, I was trying to stay upright and not pass out right there, there were like ten redheads in front of me.’' He sighed, taking a sip of his own juice and denying it, still not believing he had stopped at the hospital because someone thought he was harassing the girl. "Was he her boyfriend?"

"I think so, but she didn't look too happy about what he'd done to you, so I don't know if they're still together," Remus said.

"Was she beautiful?" James didn't remember much of that night, least of all the details of her face, the only thing he could remember was that she was wearing an all-black outfit and had red hair. Everything else was just a blur in his mind.

"Yeah," Peter smiled. ‘’Was she wearing weird clothes? Yeah. I mean, who wears sweats to a party? But, she was beautiful. Don't you have a class with her?” He glanced at Remus, who looked like he was in another world as he watched a table next to theirs, full of girls chatting and laughing, one in particular standing with her back to them.

‘’Moony, if you keep drooling on Amelia like that, I'll punch you in the face. She kicked your ass, bro, part to another, forget about her.'’

"James, have you ever been in love yet?" James took a deep breath, thinking they would go back to that same subject Remus always brought up every time someone said something about his ex. '’Answer me.'’

"This wasn't love, Moony, it was a trap." James said the same thing every other time, but it was like he spoke to a wall when it came to Remus. It was frustrating. "She betrayed you."

“It was a slip.” He repeated as usual.

‘’Remus, slip was when I mistook James' aunt for his grandmother, and congratulated her on her 90th birthday. That was a slip. What did she do to you,” Sirius dropped his wig and looked at their friend, a tired smile on his face. It was the tenth time they had had that conversation. ‘It was low. She cheated on you the second you quarreled with her, without a second thought. Besides,” He held up a hand, preventing Remus from saying anything. "She never told you, you only knew because her friend felt sorry for you."

"She was going to tell me!"

"Let's not discuss this again." Peter interrupted the fight that was likely to ensue, but even if he hadn't, someone else did for them.

A girl stopped at their table, arms back and cheeks already on fire, she looked like she wanted to get inside a hole instead of being there.

"Hm. I’m sorry..er..." Her low voice was barely heard in the din in the cafeteria, but James was at the end of the table and could hear her speaking. It was the girl from the party, he recognized her sweet voice, her red hair was in a bun and she was wearing a sweatshirt today too, this time it wasn't black but dark blue, and James thought it didn't look comfortable because it wasn't that cold and that fabric seemed to be very thick and warm. ‘I came to apologize.’

"Sorry?" James looked at her, now everyone at the table was silently paying attention to her, and her cheeks got even hotter, which he thought was cute. Her green eyes fell on James, and he hated even more that he was wearing that ridiculous protective clothes.

"For what Sev did," She bit her bottom lip, filling her lungs with air and smiling gently afterwards. "I'm sorry he punched you."

'But…'

"You're not the one who should apologize," Sirius said, sitting at the other end, looking almost as shocked as James. The guy couldn't be such a coward, what did he think they were going to do, punch him up in the middle of the cafeteria?

The girl looked uncomfortable with this, but stayed there, stuffing her hands inside her sweatshirt pocket. ‘‘I know, but… He wasn't coming, but I'm going to feel really bad for not apologizing, because it was my fault, I- ''

"It wasn't your fault," James cut her off, pausing before placing a hand on her arm to soothe whatever was making her nervous. Who knows what her crazy boyfriend would do if he saw James touching her. "It's okay, really."

"You ended up in the hospital." She reminded him, not that James needed it, but he shrugged.

‘’Nothing too serious. And I was drunk, and…” He didn't know what to say, so opting to just smile at her. '’Everything is fine. If it makes you better, apologies accepted.”

"Sorry again, really," The girl said, her hand over her heart and a slightly sad smile on her face, seeming to notice the makeup on his jaw. James nodded, still not quite sure what to say or what to do, and she left.

'’Oh, I knew I knew her boyfriend.’' The four of them looked at the redhead walking back to her table, where three other guys dressed in black were, none of them looking at James' table but the boy next to her didn't look the least bit happy with her attitude, putting an arm around her shoulders in an almost possessive way. "She dates that idiot who tried to fight with Frank."

"Does he fight everyone then?" James continued to stare at her table, a bad feeling burning in his chest. He remembered that she looked so happy when he came to ask about his glasses, but then, now it seemed like there was none of that inside her anymore.

"He doesn't fight, he talks and talks, but when the time comes he runs away." Remus smiled humorlessly, pulling James back to look at him. "Don't want the three of them to come at you, just because one of them is a coward doesn't mean the others are too."

"She looked sad." Peter rambled. "Didn't she look like?"

“Dating a guy like that, who's happy?” James ran a hand through his hair, looking once more at the table the redhead had gone to before giving up and settling down on the bench, putting her image out of his mind and refocusing on Remus, who had turned to face Amelia again.

| L. E |

Lily was nervous, as if she was about to commit a horrible crime, her stomach churning and bile burning in her throat every time she focused her vision on that paper.

It was a mistake, a huge mistake, she shouldn't be there, she didn't even know how she got there. Get out of there Lily! She screamed to herself.

“Need help?” A voice startled her, her heart nearly leapt out of her body, and she ended up dropping the form to the floor, her shaking hands not even good enough to hold the paper. ‘Hey, I’m sorry. Everything is fine?'

"Yes, yes." Lily didn't look at the girl, but she knew who she was; Alice. Severus' voice reverberated in her mind, and she remembered Mulciber - Sev's best friend, who, like Avery, lived with them - saying; "You don't want everyone to think you're a bitch too, do you?" when Lily spoke of her willingness to take the test.

She thought they were wrong, she knew they were wrong, but her mind seemed unable to say anything against it at the time, her body paralyzed, just nodding and going back to eating, even though her hunger was gone.

'’Are you going to sign up?'’ Alice didn't seem to notice that Lily was uncomfortable however, because she went behind the now empty cafeteria table and sat on the bench there, looking at Lily in such a welcoming way that she felt guilty for not looking her in the eye. '’It's fun. We train a lot, but we are a family too, and as some girls are already graduating and leaving, we need new members.’’

"Family?" Lily looked at her, confused, blaming her mind that it was having to deal with the guilt of thinking she was a bitch, and the boys' voices telling her about her having sex in the car.

She's free to do whatever she wants, Lily thought, taking a deep breath.

‘’Yes, we take care of each other and make sure no one feels left out. If you need a house, we have room for you. It's just girls, no boys in there.” Alice took a folder from her purse, it was full of other completed forms, but at the bottom, there was a blank paper. She reached for Lily. "If you want it." She shrugged, and Lily saw it was another form, but this time, to rent a room.

"Oh I don't have to, I live with my boyfriend." Lily felt her cheeks flush, her eyes automatically returning to the team's blank form. Did she want this?

"But if you ever need to, we're always getting a spare room, just in case." Alice smiled. ‘’So having problems with the questions? I know there are many, but we need to know a lot before we call someone in. We've had bad experiences with this.’’

“I'm still wondering whether I'm going to try or not.” Why was she being so kind to her? Alice didn't know what everyone was calling her? Didn't she care?

‘’Do it. The most that can happen is that you won't be accepted.’’

"Yeah…I think it is." Lily nodded, swallowing the ball of nervousness that rose in her throat. "My boyfriend doesn't think I should apply." She didn't know why she'd said that, it just slipped off her tongue without going through her brain first, but as usual, Alice didn't seem to mind.

'’Why not? And you're the one training and dancing, so it's up to you to decide whether you want to or not.” She ran a hand through her brushed hair, and Lily noticed there was a silver ring on her finger. She dated the guy she had sex with in the car? Lily didn't know his name. '’Unless you have labyrinthitis… But, we already had a girl with labyrinthitis on the team, she didn't just participate in the spins, so there's nothing really stopping you from joining us.'’

"Yeah, maybe you're right." Lily took another deep breath, her nervousness lessening a little.

'Sit down.'

"What?" She looked up from her paper, Alice still with that welcoming look from before, but now more attentive.

"Sit down, you've been standing a long time." She did, placing her bag beside her and taking the pen firmly in her hand, signing her name at the top of the sheet, then moving on to the other questions.

Alice was quiet, doing something on her cell phone while Lily concentrated, trying not to show how anxious she was getting at such a silly and simple task. It was like her mind was hazy and the questions started to no longer make sense, Sev's voice telling her that Lily didn't need it because she wasn't like the other girls, making her even more nervous.

"Have you done any dancing yet?" Alice asked, but not taking her eyes off her cell phone.

‘’Ballet. As a child.” Lily glanced at her quickly before turning back to the paper, writing her age and course.

‘’I did artistic gymnastics, but I always wanted to do ballet. It's a very beautiful dance.’’

"Yes, it is." Lily took a deep breath, answering about her schedule and whether she was able to travel out of town during game season.

"I learned to skate when I got to college, Marlene taught me."

"She's also a cheerleader, right?" Alice looked at her, a sweet smile on her lips, then nodded.

"Many say you need to be afraid of her, but that's not true, Marlene is melted butter with the people she likes."

"I hope she likes me." Lily went back to ticking the form, and no, she wasn't using any narcotics or prescription drugs.

"She definitely will," Alive said, and she seemed to speak the truth, winking at Lily and then turning her attention back to her cell phone.

[ollyarchive]

Interview

Olly Alexander on success, sanity and It's a Sin: 'All those hot guys. I loved it!'

Simon Hattenstone

The Years & Years frontman is starring in Russell T Davies’ new drama about the Aids crisis. He talks about bulimia, his ‘dark’ clubbing days – and how he learned to enjoy filming sex scenes

Mon 11 Jan 2021 06.00 GMT

Olly Alexander was so certain he was destined for success that he saw a therapist to help him prepare for his future fame. It was 2014 and his band Years & Years had just signed to Polydor when he visited the shrink.

“I said: ‘The album’s coming out and I really want it to be successful,’ and he said: ‘What happens if it isn’t?’ I said: ‘Well, that’s not an option because I have planned it in my diary since I was a teenager.’”

That diary was less about chronicling the present than a series of promises he made to himself. “I planned my life till I was 25. I would be a famous musician ’cos musicians were the coolest people in the world. The biggest thing in the list was buying my mum a house, and I did that. That was the coolest thing to be able to do with my money.” He smiles. “That was the coolest thing ever.”

Now Alexander might well benefit from another visit to the shrink because he’s about to become a lot more famous. He stars in It’s a Sin, the brilliant new TV drama by Russell T Davies, about a group of young gay men living and dying through the Aids epidemic in the 1980s. The five-part series is funny, vibrant, sexy and heartbreaking.

This is by no means the first time Alexander has acted – he has appeared in the TV series Skins, films such as Bright Star (about Keats), Gulliver’s Travels and Great Expectations, and on stage in the West End alongside Judi Dench and Ben Whishaw in Peter and Alice; a pretty impressive CV. But with It’s a Sin, he knows he has struck gold. “Some actors would wait their entire careers and not get such a good role,” Alexander says, and he’s right. Davies has made a habit of creating groundbreaking TV series (Queer As Folk, Bob and Rose, Torchwood), and this is his best yet.

Alexander’s character, Ritchie Tozer, is an aspiring actor/singer who has just moved to London from the Isle of Wight in search of fame, fortune and a good shagging. He embraces his new freedoms with promiscuous abandon, while also struggling with his sexuality. Ritchie is equally cocky and vulnerable, lovable and insufferable.

Although It’s a Sin takes place in a time before Alexander was born, he says there are so many ways he relates to Ritchie’s life. There is one crucial difference – whereas Ritchie is secretive, Alexander is an open book. If there’s anything to tell you, he’ll tell you, even if he is embarrassed a second later about his indiscretions. It’s an endearing quality, and one that makes him great company.

We meet in his agent’s east London office in December, when Tier 4 restrictions are yet to kick in. Alexander is a boyish 30 – half punk, half catwalk model, with orange hair, earrings, multiple rings, stylish khaki trousers and a handful of inky tattoos. He is garrulous and giggly with a huge toothy grin.

Like Ritchie, Alexander was a stranger to city life when he came to London. He was born in North Yorkshire, went to primary school in Blackpool and Gloucestershire, and a comprehensive in Monmouth, south Wales. He was a natural performer who wrote his first song at the age of 10. “I performed it in my year six assembly.” Can he remember it? He squirms. “Yeah!” Let’s hear it then? “No!” Oh go on! “OK, OK. ‘The leaves are falling outside my window. I’m lay here all alone,” he sings quietly, in that delicate falsetto. He giggles, blushes and continues. “And now I’m a knowin’, the way it’s goin’, we won’t last for ever, for ever my love.’”

Wow, those lyrics are pretty sophisticated – and melancholy. He giggles again. “Oh thanks. It’s about unrequited love. Doomed love. I was getting in early on my themes. I had a bit of help from my dad.” He wrote it after experiencing his first pangs – for a boy in his class.

At secondary school Alexander was a victim of homophobic bullying. He responded with elan. “I would still come to non-uniform day in eyeliner.” Did he fight back? “Sometimes I would scream. I was not a good fighter. We did rugby a lot at my school – a Welsh school. The one time I scored a try, on the way back to the changing room the two popular boys from the year put their arms around me and said: ‘Well done, Olly,” and I was like: ‘I can’t believe it, this is it!’” He pauses long enough for me to get a glowing feeling. “Then they tripped me up and pushed my face into the mud. That was hard to live down.” After that he never went to another games lesson.

When he was 13, his parents separated, and from then he was brought up by his mother, events organiser Vicki Thornton (his real surname – Alexander is his middle name). His father had been a talented but disappointed singer-songwriter who made a living marketing theme parks. Although he gave young Olly a lifelong passion for adventure rides, there were tensions between the two of them. After his parents split up, he broke off contact with his father. When Alexander became successful, his father tried to rekindle their relationship via Twitter. Alexander wasn’t impressed.

With the sod-you eyeliner and supreme belief that he would make it, he sounds incredibly robust. So what else was in that teenage diary? “Pppprrrr.” He blows his lips as if feeling a sudden chill. “It’s a bit dark. I used to write that I really wanted to be skinny.” He exhales deeply. “My mantra was always: I’m not going to eat this again, I’m not going to eat cake again. I’m never going to eat pasta.” He was barely into his teens when he became bulimic and started to list the things he wouldn’t eat. Actually, he says it was worse than that. “I was writing down: don’t eat, don’t eat, don’t eat. Did he have a weight problem? “I was a little chubby at primary school, but no.” What does he think it came from? “It was something I could control. I felt very out of control in the rest of my life. I was struggling with my sexuality, my parents were divorcing, and I wanted to punish myself.”

I want to give him a hug, but I’m not sure he would appreciate it, particularly in the pandemic. Why did he want to punish himself? “It was self-loathing. I didn’t want to be gay. I was convinced I was the reason my parents were splitting up.” He never considered that their divorce may have had nothing to do with him.

He started to cut himself, too. Has he still got the scars? He points to his upper arms and thighs, “because people can’t see there. I was deeply ashamed of doing it. I wanted to hide it.” Are there many scars? “No. A friend saw a plaster on my arm and jokingly asked if I’d been cutting myself. After that, I was so embarrassed that I mostly stopped doing it. Bulimia carried on well into my 2os, but it became less and less frequent. It’s really hard to hold down any kind of job if you’re throwing up food all the time, and ultimately you have to choose.” It becomes a full-time occupation? “Yes, it’s all you think about. And you’re doing so much damage to your organs. I got taken into hospital once with my mum because I had this irregular heartbeat, which can happen through constant purging, and that really scared me. I thought I’d done something irreparable to my body, and my mum was so distraught. She couldn’t understand why her son was throwing up all the food she was trying to give him. She found out because I hadn’t cleaned the toilet properly.”

After studying performing arts at Hereford College of Arts, he moved to London and was liberated. He had a heady time of it – more drugs, clubbing and sex than even he had hoped for, while also getting regular work as an actor. But there was a downside. He saw friends struggle, sacrifice themselves to excess, fall by the wayside. “Everything was about going out and connecting with people at the clubs. I had a great time, but it was also a dark time. A lot of people took too many drugs. A few friends attempted to take their lives and one succeeded. That was devastating. You can see how easy it is for a party lifestyle to turn into something negative.”

Alexander has a strong survival instinct. There was his destiny to fulfil, the house to buy for his mother. He still struggled with his mental health, so he cut down on the destructive stuff. Today, he says, his main drug of choice is the antidepressant sertraline. “I was worried about longterm use, and the doctor said: ‘Well, the latest research shows it can promote neurogenesis, and I was like that’s the coolest thing ever.” Neurogenesis is the process by which new neurons are formed in the brain. “She was basically saying antidepressants are giving you superpowers, and I was like: ‘Amazing, I’ll keep taking them for ever.’” He starts giggling, and he can’t stop. “Neurogenesis – ooh, I love that. I’m going to be neuro-supercharged.”

Years & Years formed in 2010. Founder member and synth/bass/keyboard player Mikey Goldsworthy heard Alexander singing in the shower and asked if he wanted to become lead singer. When Alexander joined, Years & Years were a five-piece band, before shrinking to an electropop trio (Alexander, Goldsworthy and fellow guitarist and keyboard guru Emre Türkmen). Alexander, the main songwriter, has an ear for great sweeping choruses (think Sam Smith meets Pet Shop Boys with a dash of New Order). Their first album, Communion, went to No 1 in the UK, while the song King topped the singles chart and its follow-up, Shine, reached No 2. Many of their songs are about yearning and doomed love – particularly on their second album, Palo Santo – just like the first one he wrote aged 10.

Alexander also became known as an LGBTQ campaigner. He made a documentary, Growing Up Gay, for the BBC in which he talked to his mother in a tear-filled exchange about coming out; he also interviewed people about struggles with their sexuality, the pressure to be promiscuous and take drugs, and addressed schoolchildren about homophobia and mental health problems. Does he think of himself as an activist? He shakes his head. “It does a disservice to actual activists. There’s a tendency to use that word for anyone in the public eye speaking up about any issue. Going into schools and talking about mental health isn’t activism. I like doing that. If I can be helpful, I want to help.”

The week before we meet he was named celebrity of the year at the British LGBT awards. He doesn’t know why – he says he didn’t do anything in 2020. “Maybe they heard about my upcoming role and got in there early!”

He says he has learned so much from making It’s a Sin – not least about acting, and how tough it can be. “Doing an acting job where you have to turn up every day is really challenging. I was so used to my musician lifestyle, which is usually: get up late, get in a car, get driven to an airport, get on a plane, fall asleep, arrive somewhere, get driven to the venue, roll out of the car and do the show. It was too much like hard work every day. I thought I’d got past this!”

We see a lot of Alexander in It’s a Sin – in every sense. He gets more than his share of sex scenes, and says it was fascinating being taught how to do them properly. So he enjoyed them? “All those hot guys. That aspect I loved! And going into it I thought, I’m going to have so much fun doing this, I’m a confident-ish guy, love having sex, it will be great.” That’s so refreshing, I say, to hear actors admit they enjoy sex scenes.

Ah, well, he says, it wasn’t quite that simple – he initially became self-conscious. “I broke down into hysterical tears, like ‘don’t fucking touch me’. I found it really hard.” Then the intimacy coordinators got to work on him. “They were a life-changing experience. Intimacy coordinators are there for safety ’cos there’s a lot of shit that can go wrong between what a director wants and what an actor wants, and boundaries being crossed. They’re there to rehearse everything beforehand with the director and the performers. You talk about animals you might imitate, the sounds you make.” He pays tribute to intimacy coordinator extraordinaire Ita O’Brien, who introduced the Intimacy on Set guidelines in 2017 and worked on Normal People as well as It’s a Sin. “Anything with sex in it, she’ll be involved. She’ll be on all fours at one point, saying: ‘Now I’m going to be like a cow and moo in ecstasy.’ She’s amazing, amazing, amazing.” And yes, he did start to enjoy the scenes.

Did he find them arousing? Now it’s my turn to blush and I apologise for the question. Did he start to enjoy it too much? “No, that’s what I want to know. What if someone gets a hard-on – how embarrassing would that be? Ita said: ‘It’s natural and normal for certain body parts to get excited and if you get an erection that’s absolutely fine, but it’s not appropriate for the workplace.’” He adds a caveat: “Depending on what kind of job you’re doing. And she said: ‘If that happens, you just take a time out. So you’re all there thinking, OK, how embarrassing – because you say time out and everybody knows it’s because you’ve got a hard-on. Hahahhaa!” Did he have to take a time out? “No!” Did anyone? “Not to my knowledge.”

Who did he have most fun with? “I’d say best kiss was the guy who plays Ash [newcomer Nathaniel Curtis]. Great kisser.” And the best shag? “Sexual simulation,” he corrects me. “Best sexual simulation was Roscoe [Omari Douglas, another relative newcomer].” Has he told them? “It’s all coming out in this article, Simon.” And I can sense him calibrating what he has just said. “It’s going to ruin my standing!” But a second later he changes his mind. “No, that’s a compliment right? I compliment them both. Hahahaha!” And he laughs giddily.

I ask about the future. You sense he’s not sure where to go from here, acting-wise – that it can’t get any better than It’s a Sin. Fortunately, he owes the band an album’s worth of songs. He had them done and dusted before the pandemic. “But all that time in my flat going insane made me realise I didn’t like any of the music, it didn’t feel relevant. I just wanted to start again, which is what I did. Now it’s almost ready – again.”

It will be only their third album in seven years. “I know,” he says. “It’s embarrassing. Ariana Grande has had about five out in the time we’ve done one.” In the meantime, he says, Türkmen has had one baby, with another on the way.

What about his own love life? “It’s pretty dire.” Sex? “I’m hopeful to have more sex … it’s very difficult in the age of Covid if you’re single. I actually tried to lock someone down who would be my ‘friends with benefits’ sex buddy, because I saw that Holland were advising people to do that. In the first lockdown I said: ‘Look, we can just have sex with each other. I trust you, you trust me, we’re not together, but this is an arrangement. I’ve not had sex in six months, what do you think?’ But he said no. I was quite upset. So yeah, not a lot of sex in 2020.” For a split-second, the puckish Alexander looks forlorn. Then he grins his toothiest grin yet. “But I’m hopeful that it will pick up in the new year!”

It’s a Sin is on Channel 4 on 22 January at 9pm

[tales-of-spring]

morning siren | Chapter 2: The Baker

Pairing / Ship: Steve Rogers x neutral reader

Featuring: Steve Rogers, mentions of Sam, Bucky and Tony

Words: 2349

Category: Writing Challenge, Fic, Vanilla, Soft Fluff

Warning: Steve who is completely smitten and shy, baker!reader, compliments, light flirting, first time meeting, Steve’s POV

Summary: While on trip in a new city, Steve visits a bakery and is startled when he meets the baker working behind the counter.

Author’s Note: Part two for my entry for @finleyjayne​‘s Rainbow Writing Challenge! I chose the prompt ‘’Apples and Oranges’’ paired with Steve Rogers, enjoy! Part three will follow soon, so keep your eyes peeled! 

Steve’s heart was racing in his chest as he stepped outside of the bakery. He breathed the cold morning air deeply in through his nose in an attempt to calm himself down. This has never happened to him, not like this, not since.. 

He breathed out through his mouth and looked around him, glancing into the shop window to find that you had already disappeared back into the kitchen. He blinked for a moment, not knowing what to do. You really got him good, but alas, he managed to snap out of the trance and return to what he was gonna do. He climbed on top of his motorcycle, but couldn’t help himself to wait till he was somewhere else to eat the cookies he bought. He opened the paper wrapping and grabbed one of the cookies, biting slowly into the baked sweet..

Earlier that morning..

It was five am, Steve’s usual time of getting up. It was a matter of routine, and he did it ever since he joined the Avengers. And even though he was on a relaxation trip, he had no intention of shedding the routine that worked so easily for him. To be quite frank, sometimes Steve’s routine was the only thing keeping him sane. It reminded him of his..past days, in the war. It comforted him greatly and so every morning he got out of bed, put on his work out clothes, and did his exercises. Just because he’s a Super Soldier doesn’t mean he shouldn’t keep up his condition, or stop combat training. He was made into a sharp blade and it was his job to keep it that way. He was sad however, that he couldn’t beat Sam or Bucky in his laps, or on the mat, or in weightlifting. Steve figured that sometimes being alone creates more focus, and he went on his way.

He’s been to this city a few times so he knew a decent route to take, it didn’t compare to the one he takes in New York though. Steve liked a good scenery whenever he was jogging, and there was nothing better then NYC. This was not too shabby though. The traffic was unusually quiet and peaceful; only some buses, bikers, people walking on the sidewalk here and there. It was nothing compared to the bubbly booming streets of his home city, he liked this though. He even passed a a few young people jogging, all with headphones in of course. Steve appreciated that the youth were doing something useful, but why block out nature’s music with whatever next hip-hop, rap, dubstep song was on the number one chart’s this time? Steve liked natural ambience; people talking, vehicles driving, animals in the water, tree branches rustling. 

When Steve was back at his temporary home - a vacation house owned by Tony - he had already broke out a sweat, his heart was racing and he was simply dying for a hot shower and breakfast. Steve undressed and put the temperature of the shower on hot, and stepped in. This is the second place on earth where Steven Rogers could ‘’relax’’; the hot shower. He could wash all the worries, all the responsibilities, all the stress, all the pain, right off of him. He sighed out deeply as he washed his body with his usual shampoo. He had already shaved so once he stepped out of the shower dressed for the day, he made a straight B-line towards the kitchen. 

Steve decided on a light breakfast this morning, he had planned to go into the city and do some sightseeing, some shopping and he didn’t want to skip any chances of tasting the city’s cuisine. Some pancakes with cereal and fruit would suffice. The sun was already out shining brightly and it made his light toned blue blouse look more navy colored. 

Chewing away the pancakes he made, Steve checked if the team had left him any messages or updates, but nothing, his inbox was empty. He sighed in a slightly disappointing manner. He didn’t mind the whole relaxing-doing nothing-taking-your-time thing - which was the idea of his team - but there was something about sitting still for too long that made him a bit restless. He puffed out his cheeks and finished the rest of breakfast. 

The leather jacket hanging near the door was once of the few things that reminded him of his past, so it was no surprise that Steve brought it with him. He took a bag with him in case he decided to buy some things, you never know what you’ll see once you step foot in an American shopping centre. With the bag in hand, the jacket hugging his broad figure and the keys of his motor cycle pocketed, he left. 

Steve was so used to the busy atmosphere of New York that once he stepped outside, he froze out of surprise at the sight of the streets; they were still nearly empty. What time was it? Around 9:30 he believed. By then, his home city would’ve been crawling with cars, taxis, people. Here just a few slow driving cars passed by. Steve saw a total of three buses pass in the last thirty minutes and the most action he saw on the street was a pigeon flying over an old lady and almost hitting her with his poo. He blinked, this city couldn’t be anymore unusual. He shook the odd feeling off of him and hopped onto the motor cycle. The engine roared which secretly made him smirk in excitement like a little boy in a candy store. 

For some reason, Steve was craving something sweet. He’d get those urges sometimes to indulge in unhealthy foods. Today it was sweets, but not like licorice or candy. No, something else was needed to satisfy Steve’s yearning for sugar. He looked around, hoping to find something, and out of the corner of his eye he spotted a white-painted window frame. His head turned, his eyes now resting on a corner building that stood out due to it being completely white and made of brick. It was a cute sight, the building had flowers growing near the windows and on the walls. Dainty tables and chairs were spread in front of it. A sign hung above the door, and in big and swishy letters colored with pale yellow and soft pink, it read; ‘’The Mad Batter’’

He chuckled at the reference to Alice in Wonderland. Finally, a reference he did get. He squinted his eyes in doubt, should he go there? So far it was the only place to even have the lights on. Everything else usually opened around elven, which he learned from a kind woman who was walking down the street and saw Steve’s confusion. He road up to the building and parked his motorcycle besides the empty sidewalk. 

He pushed the door open gently, which made a little bell ring above of him. He proceeded to step in and look around. From somewhere in the back, perhaps a kitchen, came a rather pleasant sound. Or..no wait, not a sound, no. Steve frowned in focus and tried to listen more clearly. It was someone singing, singing along with the radio perhaps. He knew this song..

’Whisper in my ear, baby..’’

It was from Paul Anka, Steve thought to himself. It was released after he got stuck in the ice, sure, but he discovered it when he resurfaced and went to research all of the music that was released from up to that point, particularly in the jazz genre. He licked his lips, whoever was singing along had some serious talent. He closed his eyes for a quick, sneaky moment, and imagined himself slow dancing to this song. 

’Words I want to hear..’’

If only he could see who was singing it. Were they the only employee around? Steve snapped out of his trance and looked around him. If it wasn’t for the emptiness of the store, Steve would’ve been very embarrassed, the building was completely empty except for the two of you. 

’Tell me, tell me that you love me too..’’

God, Steve was quite smitten with that voice. He looked around, stood on his toes to see if he could capture a quick peek through the circular plastic window in the door that separated him and this mystery siren. He bit his lip and doubted if he should ring a bell, or knock on the counter. He wanted- no, needed to see you, but he didn't want the singing to end. 

Steve Rogers got what he wanted though. The door opened and in walked the baker that serenaded him without them knowing it. Everything for Steve went in slow motion the second that door opened. He stared at bakers face, their hair, their eyes. Oh god, they were one of the cute ones. The baker had some flower on their face, their hair a little messy but non unprofessional. The sun shined perfectly through the windows and reflected onto the counter, making the baker bask in a glorious morning glow. Steve’s breathing slowed down and all he could do was take in the sight before him. 

‘’I-I’m very sorry sir, usually no one comes in until 11 and I was so caught up in my routine that I-..’’ Steve had unnoticeably snapped out of the bakers spell and realized that they were apologizing. For what could such a beautiful being apologize for, Steve wondered. He crookedly smiled at the baker trying to somewhat lighten the situation. ‘’It’s okay, really. It happens to the best of us, it’s really no problem.’’ Steve had shook his head and waved off the apology, but not in a mean way. Silence ensued as the baker nodded apologetically towards him. Steve felt himself staring at them again. He felt them staring at him too. He carefully examined the baker’s presence, which was nothing but pleasurable and enjoyable to be around. The silence, the staring, it stayed like that for a little while. Both pair of cheeks grew red but eye contact remained. 

‘’Uh- uhm, can I- can I get you anything?’’ The baker awkwardly  stumbled on his words, probably due to nerves Steve figured, which only added to how much he had already taken an interest in this person. Steve - as even awkwardly as the baker - fiddled his wallet out of his pocket and threw a quick glance on the glass counter an the chalkboard behind the baker. ‘’Uhm, yeah, what’s your uh, your specialty?’’ Steve could see the baker had to think for a second. He almost admitted it was because of, well, him, but he didn’t want to assume anything. Secretly though, Steve knew the baker was in the same boat as he was. The baker walked over to the edge of the counter and explained that yesterday’s specialty - a French orange tart with whipped cream - was still available, and that today’s specialty, an apple pie, was being made currently. Oof, apple pie sounded very attractive to him right now, but it would be a ready later. Of course he could just wait here, but that just seemed awkward. 

Steve licked his lips in anticipation to make a decision, his eye jumped across the different rows of baked goods and sweets. ‘’I can also- uhm, put down your name and reserve a piece of apple pie for you if you’d like.’’ A warm feeling was triggered in the middle of Steve chest and he felt his eyebrows raise in surprise. He could come back here a second time, talk to the baker again, maybe even dare we say... make a move? 

‘’Uh- yes. Yeah, that would be great, thanks.’’ But that didn't still his current hunger though, he needed something small to eat enough space will be left for the pie. His orbs flew over the rows again and they landed on a single row of cookies. Bingo. ‘’In the mean time I think I’ll just get two of those..chocolate chip cookies, please.’’ The baker began wrapping them up, opening the counter and grabbing a notepad in lighting speed. He laid the cookies onto the counter, Steve grabbed a five dollar bill, already knowing it’ll be too much but the baker could keep the change. They blushed at the small sentiment and put the bill into the register, closing it after. 

Steve grabbed onto the cookies and turned around, making way for the door but he was cut off by the baker’s voice. ‘’Wait, sir!’’ Did he forgot to give through his name? Oh god, way to make an impression, Rogers. Steve turned to the baker halfway. ‘’I need your name for the- the apple pie.’’ He chuckled and walked back to the counter, to them. His eyes immediately went back to theirs, a somewhat equally romantic and amazed look plastered on his face. ‘’Of course, my apologies, it’s uh..’’ Steve ran his tongue across his lips, the nerves were getting to him. ‘’My name’s Steve. Steve Rogers.’’ He saw how the baker wrote down his name and tore the piece off the notepad. Maybe later today they could exchange phone numbers. Just maybe. ‘’I’ll come back later today for the piece, okay?’’ He ensured the baker and they nodded. Steve nodded back and finally made his way to the door once again.

But it wasn’t time just yet. God, could the tension get any higher? ‘’Steve.’’ The baker called out. He turned his body halfway, his head turned so he looked over his shoulders to them. ‘’I’m Y/N.’’ Steve felt himself smile at hearing their name. ‘’Gotcha, so you’re not just a pretty face?’’ He said the words before he even knew what he was saying, and he damned himself from saying it. Was it too straightforward? Too extra? He hoped he didn’t ruin it. Y/N’s reaction was priceless though. A red glow on their cheeks accompanied by a shy look to the ground. Steve smiled and quickly slipped out of the shop, already waiting impatiently for later today.. 

[blueishfood]

Wind In Our Sails (Chapter 6)

Fandom/Ship: Maraudrer era in a Pirates of the Caribbean au! Jily, Dobby x Winky, Alice x Frank,

Summary:

James pondered at her question for a few seconds, he walked back to Remus and they whispered among each other while glancing up at Lily. She had just hooked a hand though the ladder and sat down on one of the ropes when James shouted back up to her; “You can have Sirius!”

“Me?”

Warning(s): a knife

Words: 2,1 K

A/N: A bit of backstory info

Chapter 5

It was Alice who had told the truth, Lily realized. Their eyes locked, Alice shrugged.

“How did you-?” Alice looked at Winky promptly, who in turn had the audacity to seem embarrassed.  “Damn it,” -Lily stomped her foot to the deck with a thud- “you pirates can’t keep a secret for shit.”

In a split second of surprise James had loosened his grip on her, and Lily shoved her knee to his abdomen, a threatened look crossing her face.

Her secret was out.

She was cornered, and this, she realized, had just turned into a very dangerous situation.

As James stumbled back in recoil, Lily ran for the railing. The crew stumbled out of the way, no one thinking of stopping her. She climbed up the Jacob’s ladder, fear pulsating inside her. There was no way to go, nowhere to hide, and now he would kill her.

Her hat was gripped by the wind, she grabbed a hold of it, but it was already off. Lily placed the hat in her belt. Potter looked shell shocked, but now less angry than before.

“Come down Lily!” the Captain commanded firmly, “We need to talk about this.”

“I hold no value, my parents won’t pay you any bail and neither will he, so why don’t we just let this go and I can get off at the next stop.” Her voice broke at the end of the shout. Lily swallowed the embarrassment and hoped they didn't see her red cheeks.

“We can negotiate terms in my cabin.” Potter shouted up to her, waving for her to come down.

Lily laughed loudly and angrily.

“How do I know you won’t just kill me?” She tried to keep the fright out of her voice, but she knew that she couldn't stay in the ladder all week, and from the way he looked at her Lily figured she hadn't been entirely successful.

James pondered at her question for a few seconds, he walked back to Remus and they whispered among each other while glancing up at Lily. She had just hooked a hand though the ladder and sat down on one of the ropes when James shouted back up to her; “You can have Sirius!”

“Me?”

“You know he is dear to me. You will have him at your mercy while we negotiate.”

Lily blinked. That was not a smart move, but if he were so sure in his negotiation abilities, she would not stop him. She watched as Sirius was discarded of all weapons and pointed out the small knife by his waist which he reluctantly removed. With a sharp nod that she was certain they would not be able to see, she slowly climbed back down to the deck, hooking her arm over his shoulder, and placing her knife calmly against his throat.

“I thought I liked you, runt.” Sirius muttered, clearly upset with the deal his Captain had made.

“You do.” Lily said simply and smiled a bit at his chuckle.

Potter’s office was a mess, the charts and maps that last time she was there had been gathered on his desk, was now scattered all around the room.

“We don’t have to make this harder than it is,” Lily watched, calculating her words as James turned away from her. “All I want is to get off at the next port,” she paused, and clarified; “safely.”

“Impossible.” Lily turned her head slightly to the right where Remus stood and gave him a death glare. He had uttered the word like it was obvious.

“No, it’s not.” Potter was looking out the window, hands behind his back, but Lily knew he was listening. “You just sail me to port and drop me off.”

“That is not what he meant,” Sirius muttered. Lily placed her knife against his throat so he could feel the cold metal. Sirius shut up.

“I would do that.” Potters words threw her off, and he turned around quickly enough to catch her surprised stare. As fast as her hope had risen, Lily realized that the words implied something else entirely.  “But I can’t ensure your safety.”

Lily scoffed, “Just tell your crew to back off.” Mostly she figured she could take care of herself. She was not afraid of the crewmembers, but if someone managed to corner her… Lily almost shuttered at the idea.

“I’m not talking about my crew.” He rubbed his chin and swiftly turned back to his charts, “Have you heard of the prophecy?”

“What does a prophecy have to do with this?” Lily asked, clearly unimpressed at the change of topic. James looked at her for a while before he sighed.

“There is a rumored prophecy going around.” He gestured for Remus who in turn dug through some papers. He pulled out a particularly worn one and started reciting the words.

“A commander of the sea shall arise,

to banish the darkness, they must pay the price,

Gold or silver will never measure

to the power of the sea, the greatest treasure

Crucial it is to know the lore,

the ancient goddess, holder of the seashore.

The briny deep, never owned by any man,

As a deity they shall rule beyond one lifespan.”

The two men looked at her expectantly. Lily lifted her eyebrows at them, wondering what they were expecting, “You believe that this commander is, what? You?” Lily saw the corner of Potters mouth raise in a smirk.

“No. Voldemort believes that this commander the prophecy speaks about is predestined to be him.”

Lily was more confused than ever. She figured the Captain was after some kind of ransom, or at least information on which ships to attack. Lily did not doubt that she unconsciously had taken notes of the ships coming in and out of town, she would know valuable information. It was the only reasons she could think of as to why he had not killed her by now. He could have shot her down from the Jacob’s ladder, but here he was talking about a prophecy and the cruel island king?  

“What the hell are you on about?” Lily knew she was not in the position to talk like that. Remus were standing behind her; he could have his gun a centimetre from her cranium at this moment. But the Captain was getting on her nerves.

“He believes that you are the key to the power of the sea.” Potter was leaning back against his desk, watching her reaction. Lily blinked

“Me?” Lily’s train of thought stopped short.

“Yes, you.”

“That makes no sense.”

“You are aware that you were born out of wedlock?”

“No – I.” Lily tried to go through every conversation she ever had with her parents. Never had any unfaithfulness come up. She was the lady of El Puerto del Rey by blood. “That’s a lie.”

“It’s not.” Lily was startled to hear that Mad eye had slipped inside the Captains cabin. How he had managed to be so silent with that limp of his was beyond her. His staff went ‘thump, thump’ as he got close to her, and put a firm hand on her elbow. The message was clear.

To Potter’s great surprise, Lily reluctantly lowered her knife. Sirius stumbled away from her, not willing to spend another second near the fire headed woman.

“I knew your father once.” Mad eye hobbled to Potters desk, apparently taking it for granted that he could look at the papers. “A lady’s man, that one.” Lily shook her head, tears meekly springing to her eyes as her existence tumbled down around her. “Young, handsome..” Moody slumped down in a chair and took in Lily’s rattled appearance. “It never took anyone by a surprise when he claimed a child.” The old man gave a chuckle, and Lily was about to break down crying. “I figure you’ve got quite a few half siblings out there.” Wealthy men having mistresses had never been uncomon, but Lily could not have imagined her father…

“Enough, Moody.” Potter’s commanding voice sounded a little uncomfortable and more than a little angry. “Get to the point.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he waved at the air, as if swatting away a fly, “One day he left alone and came home with a baby girl.” Mad Eye gave her a long stare, and Lily understood that the baby was her. “That did take us by surprise.” He shrugged slightly, bending slightly to pick up a paper from the desk, “He claimed some, but never had he taken any home.”

“After many loud fights, his wife adopted her. The port was forbidden from speaking of her as anything but the daughter of the governor.” The chair made a groaning sound as he leaned back into it, gazing at the paper he had found. “But there was a curious little detail that few thought of.” Mad Eye tipped his head to the right as his eyes bore into her.

“Your father left with his ship and crew, they were gone for about a week, he came back with a child.”

“So what?” Lily huffed, annoyed that he was dragging out her messed up backstory, “He met up with the whore he had been seeing and she had birthed me in his absence. It’s not that much of a mystery.”

“The ship never docked.” Potter said, gesturing to a yellow tinted sheet that was pinned up on the wall by his desk. When Lily walked closer, she saw that it was written by her father’s first mate. “They hit a ferocious storm a few days after leaving and had to turn back. The whole crew swore upon it.”

“Some believed the tale of a sea goddess’s daughter that started appearing along the coastline.” Moody's ominous voice stated.

“Others,” Remus started while rolling his eyes, “figured he bribed the crew.” He lifted his eyebrows in Moody’s direction, his exasperation clear as day, but the older man did not bat an eyelash.

“Either way,” Mad Eye said, clearly ignoring Remus, “The prophecy popped up a few months later, and now the people of Slytherin Island believe that Miss Evans is the key to ruling the seas. What is true or false does is of no matter.” Mad Eye’s indifferent attitude itched Lily the wrong way, but she forced her irritation down.

“You don’t really believe this crap, do you?” Lily looked at Remus. The lean man tilted his chin upwards, choosing not to answer. Lily turned towards Potter instead, who was scowling a little at Mad Eye. “The tale is false. You clearly do not believe it, so why would you even care what happens to me?”

“I don’t” Lily wondered if it was her imagination that convinced her he answered too fast. “But if Voldemort gets hold of you, the whole island will follow him to battle.”

“Who are they even going to fight?” Lily asked. Even the British kept away from the island.

“He hates the Brits, but he hates us more.” Potter seemed uncomfortable even talking about it. “What was it he said when you were there, Wormtail?”

Once again, a man had managed to sneak inside the room without Lily noticing. The man was short and plump in a homely way. His hair was a light mousy brown, and he ruffled it as his eyes regarded her with careful consideration. She had heard some call him Peter.

“He’ll rid the sea of scum and rule the islands with a steady hand. He believes it is what Spain needs.”

“It’s weird how he hates pirates, considering he is one himself.” Sirius said, looking for a second like he wanted to laugh. Then he turned his eyes to the sea and his laughter died before it reached his lips.

“He is not.” Wormtail said, eyes flickering to the ground in between looking at Sirius, “They are merchants.”

“I think you’ve been spending too much time with those snakes, Wormy,” Sirius looked back at Potter and they seemed to exchange silent information, “I need some air.” While Peter followed Sirius out, Lily tried to go over her options. She did not have many.

“The easiest way to make sure he does not get to me would be to…” She did not finish the sentence, but they all knew what she was implying. Potter frowned by his window, and Lily remembered suddenly the drawing of her younger self. She glanced over to Moody, who was still holding the paper and she thought for a second that she glimpsed a face in white and grey.

“That is not our way.” He said ‘our’, but Lily felt the ‘my’ vibrate in her bones. It was not solid, the answer Potter gave, and where she wanted rock foundation she was rewarded with glass. Easily broken if she slipped. But death had not yet gripped her, even if she could have sworn she felt him breathing down her neck. Lily did not know if the answer made her feel safer.

“What would you have me do?” She asked, as Moody and Remus left the room as well. Potter was pacing, he did not look entirely sure.

“We are visiting our wizard at the next port,” he says finally, “he will know.” And he seemed so sure, it was hard to doubt him, had it not been for the words he uttered.

Lily almost laughed at the bizarre idea. “You have a wizard?” She snorted, looking at the Captain she might have feared once.

Potter chuckled, “It’s more like the wizard has a pirate crew.”

[johannesviii]

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 1999

A list with quite possibly the most embarrassing #1 yet, and considering some of the previous ones, that’s really saying something.

Also, a very, very long list of honorable mentions.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

This could have almost been a top fifteen, because holy f█cking shit look at this list of honorable mentions. I might eventually make a top 15 for some years (gosh I just finished my 2013 top and it’s a massacre of good songs, an absolute disaster, and I’m seriously considering making it a top 15 or 20 I swear), but for now, it’s still manageable.

Summer Son (Texas) - Why is this so hot. The lyrics aren’t even hot in the first place. What the hell.

That Don’t Impress Me Much (Shania Twain) - Not my favorite song from her but still very good. Fun fact, one of my English teachers was using songs as dictation exercises and that was the hardest one he ever used for that. I don’t think any of us got the Elvis line right. Also he’s solely responsible for me loving The Cure because the second song he used for this kind of exercise was Boys Don’t Cry. This has nothing to do with Shania Twain but I thought it was a fun little story to tell.

Jusqu’au Bout de la Nuit (Emile et Images) - Two French bands from the eighties team up and release a song which is composed of every single one of their hit songs from the eighties, with each chorus sung one after the other, and... it sounds great? And it charted?? My brother absolutely loved them, too. The only reason it’s not on the list is that it feels like cheating, in a way. I mean, half these songs could top some of my lists on their own. Putting them together is a dirty trick, guys! Oh well, I love you all anyway.

Baby One More Time (Britney Spears) - I really love this song and it was on the list at first, but overplay played a big role in its removal from it.

L’Ame Stram Gram (Mylène Farmer) - Has the privilege of being the first Mylène Farmer music video I ever saw in my life. Was incredibly confused but also fascinated. The song isn’t her best though, and she’s on so many of these lists that I claim self care on its removal from this one, especially because, uh... she’s still gonna appear on it anyway. Damn it.

Move Your Body (Eiffel 65) - I told you I loved stupid dance music didn’t I. Unfortunately things aren’t gonna get better as years pass. I just made a list (which is gonna be posted muuuuuuch later) where I put David Guetta six places higher than Adele. This isn’t a joke.

Save Tonight (Eagle Eye Cherry) - I genuinely love this song and it’s kinda sad I couldn’t fit it on any of the two lists where it was elligible.

La Manivelle (Wazoo) - This would NEVER have charted if La Tribu de Dana by Manau hadn’t been such an enormous hit the previous year. Not in a million years. And if it hadn’t, the world would have been a little less fun. So I’m glad. I love it and it was one of the last cuts from this list.

Kiss Me (Sixpence None the Richer) - Was also on the list at first. Was removed because it never ended on any compilation I made and that’s the only reason.

Well, that was long. Here’s the proper list.

10 - Crazy (Britney Spears)

US: Not on the list?? I was very surprised / FR: #14

So I dug up the first cd compilations I ever made for the previous list, and look what’s the first song on the third compilation I ever made!

Relistened to it, still love it to bits, put it on the list. Sorry Kiss Me.

9 - All Star (Smash Mouth)

US: #17 / FR: Not on the list

I know it’s impossible to listen to it with fresh ears after something like 15 years of memes. But it’s still damn good and a ton of fun to sing along with it.

8 - Ma Baker 99 (Boney M)

US: Not on the list / FR: #66

Where’s that photo of the cd compilation I mentioned in the previous list?

There it is.

Yep, it’s a remix, but it charted here, and it sounds and looks absolutely fantastic. I had never heard the original at the time for some reason, and that song sounded so badass. I could only understand isolated bits of the lyrics (like “she was the meanest cat in all Chicago town”, “the cops appeared too soon they couldn’t get away”, “she never could cry”) but it was enough to get a general idea, and that was back when I was starting to realise than most of the dance songs I enjoyed as a kid didn’t tell stories and weren’t about wizards and magic. So, a song about a mean woman who’s also a gangster?? I was like, wow, nice, a song I like with an actual story, give me twenty.

7 - Boom Boom Boom Boom (Vengaboys)

US: Not on the list / FR: #20

Told you I loved Vengaboys! It’s also on that third cd compilation I ever made!

Fun fact, at the time, for a while I didn’t know what the lyrics were and since I only knew a couple of words of English I was convinced a “broom” was somehow involved in the lyrics instead of a “room”.

6 - Souviens-toi du jour (Mylène Farmer)

US: Not on the list / FR: #73

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ; I used to be a huge fan of her as a teenager and my brain somehow links her and her songs in general to some dark times in my life - and so, every single time she appears on one of my lists, I feel like I’m texting an unstable ex and that things will end horribly and I probably shouldn’t do that but, ugh, can’t help it, love her too much.

Ok so the first seconds are actually painful to listen to but holy shit, that’s a beautiful, beautiful song. When the chorus swells near the end, so full of hope and light? Amazing. Chills on my arms every single time. That’s from one of her best albums, too. I have nothing more to say about it.

5 - Better Off Alone (Alice Deejay)

US: Not on the list / FR: #30

I don’t have anything to say about this one apart from the fact one of my friends around 2005 thought the lyrics were “do you think you’re better? rofl lol” and I think that’s hilarious.

Moving on to- oh shit oh no not that song

4 - Je te rends ton amour (Mylène Farmer)

US: Not on the list / FR: #97

What I said in #6 also applies here and this song is so dark it feels even worse. That song used to be very important in my life. Bad memories, bad times. Really, really bad times.

So. Uh. This is a song about a woman in a painting, who’s despising her creator, and possibly (that’s very, very open to interpretation, here’s a translation) coming out of her frame to kill him. That’s quite possibly the weirdest story I’ve ever heard in a song, and I love it. And it sounds so sinister. God, the first notes. They are so ominous. And that brief moment of silence after the bridge, right before the guitar explodes again? Horrible chills. I’m not sure who killed who or what actually happened in the story but press F to pay respects.

Also the music video has nothing to do with the lyrics and it’s absolutely terrifying and I shouldn’t have watched this at 14 because it’s kinda burned into my mind now and it will never go away and you probably shouldn’t watch it either.

If it wasn’t so inextricably linked to bad memories, this song would be #2. I still love it and listen to it but I kinda jump like a scared rabbit whenever I hear it by surprise and it should come with its own trigger warning as far as I’m concerned.

3 - Narcotic (Liquido)

US: Not on the list / FR: #99

This is barely elligible. But I’m so, so glad it is. These chords right there? Love them. Love. Them.

Also here’s a fun story about this song and me. At first, I was like “oh wow, I can only understand one word out of five, but this sounds badass.” Then a couple of years later I was like “oh. Oh no. It’s about drugs.” And THEN a few years later I was like “oh shit oh no. It’s about sex.” But no, now that I can understand everything, it’s just a breakup song. It’s okay.

2 - Where I’m headed (Lene Marlin)

US: Not on the list / FR: #24

Ok so. Uh. I just realised this song was called Where I’m headed and not, as I believed for literally 18 years, “Pass By”. I had never checked. I have it on several tapes and several cd compilations, always labelled Pass By. It’s also called Pass By on the mp3 I still have in my playlist. I know I’m in the wrong here and probably never checked what the title was but I still feel like there’s been a glitch in the matrix. What happened.

Anyway. Fantastic song. Love it.

Now let’s embarrass myself beyond all hopes of redemption.

1 - Blue (Eiffel 65)

US: Not on the list (...yet. #49 in 2000) / FR: #2

So. Uh. Yeah.

Blue by Eiffel 65 was, for a long, long, LONG time, my favorite song ever.

See? This is one of my oldest lists of favorite songs.

Another one from several months later.

A cd compilation of my favorite songs ever, which I made around 2003 or 2004 as well, with a booklet with lyrics entirely copied by hand and with every page painstakingly illustrated with panels and characters from my favorite comic at the time, Horologiom.

You open the booklet, and look at that, Blue is the second song right after Children.

This silly song which lists blue things and has a nonsensical chorus and one of the dumbest music videos of the entire 90s was, indeed, for years, my favorite song ever. Why. How. Well, first, please remember I am, in fact, a sucker for dance music and electronic music ESPECIALLY when a piano is involved, but this isn’t at all why this song was special to me (and still is, actually).

As I already mentioned, music has colors to me and guess what’s the dominant color of this song? Yepppppp. This is one of the bluest songs ever made even if there’s a little black, yellow and green here and there - the only song I can think about right now which out-blues it is Derezzed by Daft Punk.

And I can’t even begin to explain how SATISFYING a blue song called “Blue” listing blue things and which has an extremely blue music video is.

I know. It’s an embarrassing #1 even for 1999. It took me a long time to post this list partly for this reason. But I wouldn’t be honest if it was placed at any other position. It’s stupid, it’s repetitive, it’s meaningless. I absolutely love it and I’ve loved it for twenty years.

Deal with it.

Next up: the year when I actually started to buy cds with my own money, with debatable results.

[throwaway-sinfulwriter]

The Same - Chapter 7 - 4/6

Sitting in Dr. Brown's living room, Malcolm and JT question her until she finally begins to divulge.

"Was Alice Downey taking LSD on your order?" Bright asks the woman, a small tape recorder in his hand. The throw pillows on the chairs and couch reminded him of his father's eyes. He tries not to look at them too often, focusing on Elaine instead.

"This isn't 1963, Detective. I can't make anyone do anything." For a moment, he and JT share a look.

"Except, you can. With your credentials and authority, you could make anyone do anything. How long did these experiments last? How many students participated in them?" The pillows were mocking him. They were simple, a blue to green gradient with shimmery thread and sparse beads.

He questions her, mouth running on auto-pilot as his mind slowly drifts off to another place. He sees recognition in her eyes as he lists off what they know about their suspect.

Bright faintly hears the name Dominic Render as his eyes glaze over.

Malcolm fully spaces out.

He couldn't get his father off of his mind. Shutting his eyes, Malcolm remembers every glance Martin had ever gave him. How his eyes darkened when annoyed, lit up when he was joyful. How straight and perfectly white his teeth were when he smiled.

"-right?"

Malcolm just wants to sit here, and think about things he usually never allows himself. Just for a moment. A sinful, forbidden moment. Think of his father's hands, how they were still bigger than his, even when he was fully grown.

How his father would put on records and play classical music to dance to, how he read sonnets to him as a child. Doctor Whitly taught him to play the piano at a young age.

He was remembering the small details, the ones that hurt to think about when his father wasn't there.

Martin loved the rain. He would always make Malcolm hot chocolate and read to him when it rained. Kept him warm, even when a storm was raging outside.

"Bright? Bright? Malcolm blinked his eyes open, and instinctively clicked stop on his tape recorder.

"Uh.. sorry. I'm just.. uh.. I'll just.. I'll go wait in the car." He stood and walked outside, sighing as the cold air hit his face.

He was thoroughly embarrassed about losing himself like that. Making a fool of himself in front of JT, who already hated his guts.

Malcolm enters the car, resting his head on the back of the seat and taking a few deep breaths. He just needed to get back into control. Become closed off from his emotions.

He knew how to do it, his heart was just hurting so bad he didn't know if he could. Malcolm needed to escape from his mind. Focus on something else.

JT. How long had the man been calling out for him while he was trapped in his childhood memories? Seconds? Minutes?

He didn't know. Bright sighs, his tired eyes refusing to rest as he fiddled with the car door. In fact, he knew nothing about JT. Only that his humor was incredibly strange, and he did not like Malcolm.

The driver's door open, and said man hopped in the car. "Elaine is settled down for the night with some chamomile."

Malcolm nodded, pushing down the discomfort at the mention of tea. His mother always tried making it for him, but he refused to drink it. It was how his father drugged his victims.

Tea laced with ketamine.

Needless to say, Bright was more of a coffee fan.

"Hey, what happened in there? You completely zoned out." JT asks, hands on the steering wheel.

He shrugs. "Yeah, that happens sometimes. My body can shut down at times."

"Gil and Dani are off looking for Render. He wants me to stay on Professor Bad Trip."

Malcolm stares at him.

"That means you can go home."

He doesn't respond to that. "What does JT stand for? Joseph? Jake? Jason? Julian? J-"

JT interrupts him.

"I don't think you're stakeout material."

Bright shakes his head. "I'm a chronic insomniac. I was made for this."

JT looks past him, observing Elaine's house. Only the porch and living room lights were on.

"How many kid's brains do you think she scrambled to get that house?" Malcolm glares at him, crossing his arms.

"…Sorry." He says reluctantly. "I know she's your people "

The profiler next to him hums, non-committal. "No. You're my people."

JT gives him a certain look, and Malcolm raises his eyebrows. "Tell me why I'm wrong."

"In the service, we have a hierarchy." So, JT had been in the service. Malcolm had guessed this the first time they had met, but now his assumption was confirmed. He smirked lightly.

"Your rank earns you respect. It's the same for cops, y'know. I have a badge. But you don't respect me."

Irritation grows in Bright. How could the man be so daft?

"Listen.. when I was a kid, a cop came to my house and took the bad guy away. He saved me. Saved me from hell on earth, from a lifetime of fear. There is not a single person that respects the badge more than I do, okay?"

Malcolm is uncomfortable with opening up to JT, but he knew that he had clear this up now, to prevent anything from happening later.

"Any respect I haven't given you is what you've been giving to me. You've been an absolute dick since I started consulting, and it's really not helping any of us. Including yourself."

"I'm doing my best. I might not have the most orthodox methods, and I know I come off as strange to you, but I do my best to get justice for everyone. Just like Gil tried to give my family justice." Tried being the keyword.

He doesn't want to get too emotional, so he runs his hand under his nose and sniffs.

"I need to ask Dr. Brown a question. For the profile." He exits the car.

-------

Sitting in Doctor Elaine Brown's living room, Malcolm Whitly opens up about his case. It was quite sad to call his life a case, but that was what it had been since he was 10 years old.

Legal documents, testimonies, and news articles. It wasn't much of a life for a child. And it didn't lessen as he got older. People had always expected he would turn out like his father.

"Your case is a testament of the humans mind to endure trauma."

Malcolm winces. Ouch. Not exactly the support he had been looking for.

"Uh.. thanks? I guess? Was that a compliment?" Elaine just raises her eyebrows and drinks more of her tea.

Bright shudders in his seat, the scent of chamomile in the air.

He continues on, telling her about his "controversial" repressed memories, and everything he had been diagnosed with.

She asks him if he believed he had been drugged, and Malcolm nods, fingers tapping in a rhythm on the arm chair to stop the tremors.

"Have you ever smelled chloroform?"

"..Well, it's not my drug of choice." She gives him that look, a look that his therapist gave to him often. He knows he's deflecting, okay, but he's not very comfortable talking about this with anyone.

Unlike his therapist, Dr. Brown continues on.

"It has extreme chemical notes, but it's actually quite sweet smelling."

He swallows hard. Thinking of his father's clean, crisp cologne with a hint of chemical and sweetness.

"A familiar smell can trigger repressed memories."

Malcolm stands from his chair, going over to a desk in the far side of the room. Fingers resting on his hip bones.

"Do you have any fears?"

He asks, shuffling through the papers on the desk. Looking at different files, with graphs and charts. Dr. Brown doesn't say anything about him going through her things.

"I have regrets." She says, and Malcolm turns to look at her curiously.

Elaine continues. "If your memories are blocked, it must be because your mind is afraid of something in your memories. You'll need to overcome that fear to access them."

Malcolm notes this, vowing to remember that fact once the case was over.

He turns, eyes raking over the room. Meticulously looking at every detail, trying to find something that would aid him.

His eyes catch on a glass display of tribal masks, and his head tilts. Something clicking in his mind.

"These are.. interesting." Bright says, going up to the case and staring at the one displayed in the middle. There were four in total, but he couldn't tear his eyes off the one.

"What is this one?" He asks, finger poised just inches from the glass case.

"It's African." Malcolm exhales through his nostrils, trying not to snap at the woman. He knew that. He wasn't an idiot.

"It's an artistic interpretation of Lucifer." A cold shiver travels from the base of Malcolm's skull to his tailbone.

"Has Dominic Render ever been here?"

"Yes, he along with many other students.. he.. he was always fascinated by those masks.."

Malcolm sprints back to the desk, gripping the folder with the copy of the notes left by Render.

One thing he hasn't understood earlier was the circular shapes Dominic had formed with his words. At the time, separately, it hadn't made much sense.

But now..

Bright moves the papers around, his own panting breath loud in his ears. Stepping back, he looks at all of the papers. They form a face. His head snaps to the left, at the Lucifer mask, and back.

"He wants you to understand him. To find him." Dread washes over Malcolm as he quickly takes a picture of the papers and shoves his phone back in his pocket.

"This is where he's planning on killing you. It has sentimental value to him."

"S-something's wrong." Dr. Brown tells him, and his heart drops to his stomach as he turns to her. She's sweating, pupils dialated. "My pulse is racing, my thoughts are shifting. It-It's the tea. The chamomile."

Malcolm rushes over to her, biting the inside of his cheek so hard the bitter taste of blood fills his mouth. He should have known to not trust the tea. Dammit.

At least it wasn't ketamin. If it was, he wouldn't be able to function. Wouldn't be able to help the woman.

He ignores the pain at the thought for now, hesitantly placing his hands on Elaine's arms to get her out of the chair. His stomach flips unpleasantly at the touch.

"You've been laced with LSD. We need to get you out of here." Bright leads her to the door, and goes to open it when all the lights cut out.

Left in the dark, the only sound Elaine's drugged babbling and his own panicked breathing, Malcolm knows what he has to do.

"Come on, let's go back." He pulls her away from the door, and she holds onto him, pupils unnaturally dilated. "Shh, shh. Come on. Sit back down.."

"Stay here. Don't go anywhere." Bright tells her, making sure she doesn't get up, and leaves the room.

Outside, in the hallway, is a record player. A record is already sitting in it.

Malcolm takes out his phone, ringing JT. He waits in tense silence until the man finally answers.

"JT. Dominic Render is in the house. Get in here." He hangs up, not waiting to hear the man's response. Malcolm would have to go find the mentally ill man, prevent him from getting to Dr. Brown.

Thankfully, due to his father's love of classical music and all things retro, they had a record player in their home. He and his father used to dance to Frank Sinatra.

Thank you, Martin. Malcolm thinks as he turns the player on, pressing the needle onto the record.

He flinches as rock music started playing. It was definitely no Sinatra, and it hurt his ears quite a lot, but hopefully it would delay Render.

The loud music should confuse the man, and if Malcolm was lucky he might hallucinate due to sensory overload. A part of Bright feels guilty for undoubtedly causing a mentally ill man more pain.

But, thinking back to the Professor's empty head and the many blades next to Carl Mitchell, Malcolm can't take any chance.

Malcolm stops by the fireplace, grabbing a fire poker and holding it ahead of him like a weapon.

Walking through the house slowly, hands in front of him, Malcolm tries to talk Render down.

"Dominic Render!" He calls out over the booming music, trying to hide the fear that was bubbling at the surface. Malcolm couldn't let the man to have the advantage.

"No one else needs to die." He comes around the corner, muscles tensing in anticipation of the killer being there. He isn't.

Where could he be?

Malcolm goes over the entire house, not finding the suspect. That only leaves one place.. upstairs.

"I know how you feel. I've had my fair share of nightmares."

He begins slowly ascending the stairs, his breathing erratic and undoubtedly afraid. His palm runs over the wooden railing of the staircase. It does little to calm him, but Malcolm memorizes the grain of the wood underneath his hand.

"But they trapped you inside yours, didn't they?" Bright prided himself in his skill of talking people down, getting a Masters in Psychology hadn't just been for show. He reverently studied conversation, and the act of talking to a person who was dangerous.

It helped him in the sociopathic aspect (he was not a sociopath, he just had tendencies). He understood empathy more, though he could not accurately emulate it without looking quite robotic.

It also helped in his career as a profiler. He had many personal conversations with killers, which was especially easy due to his background. Malcolm was quite good at subduing killers, talking them down from suicide after they had been caught. Showing at their trials, convincing them serving time was better than death.

He wanted to use this skill to help Dominic Render, but so far the man had yet to show. This worried him. Bright not be able to talk him out of it.

"..Dominic, I know you're scared." Malcolm reaches the top of the staircase, walking towards a closed doors on the left. "I am, too."

The door opened, and the next thing Bright knew, he was being hurtled backwards, into a picture on the wall. He feels the glass shatter as he hits it, all breath leaving his body. Hitting the wall so hard, his knees wobble.

He fights back with the fire poker, holding it in front of him so Dominic couldn't stab him. Malcolm pushes against him, giving him enough space to get away from the wall.

Dominic's hand hits the wall, and Bright is behind him. He grabs Malcolm by the shoulders, trying to get him down the stairs so he could subdue him properly. This doesn't work well, as Render's elbow comes back and hits him in the face. The hit causes his shaking knees to give in, and he collapses to the floor.

Render stands over him, pressing him with his foot to the edge of the staircase.

"This is how I respond to fear."

He crouches over Malcolm, raising his blade.

Malcolm's eyes go wide, pure, unbridled fear in his eyes. This is it. He's going to die. Dominic is going to kill him, take his brain and.. and what? Do what with it? He didn't know, there was no time, he couldn't even open his mouth for his last words-

There's an incredibly loud bang, and Render is off of him, a warm splatter of blood on his face. Unlike the time at Quantico, when the feelings that followed were resentment for a person that could be saved, all Malcolm felt was satisfaction.

If that was how Dominic reacted to someone who was trying to help him, he couldn't imagine how he would react to someone prosecuting him.

He doesn't wipe the blood off of his face, sitting up calmly and looking back. Dr. Elaine Brown is standing on the staircase, shotgun still in hand.

"I-I did it. I killed him." Something twists in Malcolm's chest, and he slowly desends down the stairs. There's a large crash somewhere in the house and then a cry of, "Police!"

JT enters the archway near the staircase and raises his gun. "No!" Malcolm tells him. "No. Wait."

"Elaine, you're in the middle of an intense psychedelic episode. I know it may seem like a lot right now, but in the end it's just going to be a bad trip." He manages to take the gun from her, taking out the bullets and turning the safety on, throwing it to the side.

"You can't run from the fear. You just have to.. fall into it, okay? You did this." He gestures up the stairs at Render's body. Cold and lifeless. "You have to live with it now."