#like a decade bc i work full-time rn unless something changes

[mugenloopdalove]

I honestly don't know if therapy would help you at this point. You are so closed off from personal responsibility and realizing you need to change your mindset. Therapy isn't an easy fix, it's a tremendous amount of work and it's uncomfortable. You say you can't think of any other hobbies and you'd be bad at them forever anyways?

You've given up before even trying if thats your mentality. Nobody picks up a hobby because they want to be amazing at it. They pick it up because it might be fun. I recently picked up guitar (I've never been in music classes) so I could play some real simple stuff at the camp fire and I'm NOT good. But it's nice to just play a simple song next to the fire. If someone told me I was good at it I'd be insulted cus I know it's a lie.

It really doesn't matter if your brother was good at football in high school. You were in highschool a full decade ago it's time to move past the jealousy of the 'gifted' sibling. He's not worrying about being good at something he enjoys because it doesn't matter in adulthood unless it's your literal job.

You beg for strangers online to tell you you are good at something and then when people come up with things you are good at you shoot them down. Nobody responded to your writing because the vast majority of people following you are in similar timezones to you and you buried your writing reblogs with 1 million other posts so how is anyone to even see them? You victimize victimize victimize and never entertain changing your personal mindset which is the only way to stop your spirals.

Most people don't even post about their hobbies online because they are just doing it for fun not for praise.

I mean like. There's seriously nothing new I can think of that doesn't cost insane amounts of money that I don't have rn??? Like. If people have suggestions cool!!! I'd love that!!!

And it's funny bc I had an excellent therapist that was helping in 2019 but she retired when lockdown happened bc she did not want to do virtual appointments and was pretty fuckin old. I just haven't found the right therapist since.

And sorry but i cannot be content being bad and everything I try. I can have hobbies just for fun. I do Kandi just for fun. I play games just for fun (for the most part). Hell one of the games I was the worst about years ago (overwatch) I now just play and am like PROUDLY shit at. I know I'm garbage but tbh being garbage at overwatch feels more fun than trying to be some stupid pro to me. I love being garbage at fighting games to. My brother MELTS me anytime we play ANY fighting game bc hes a decently ranked comp player and im a button masher. And I'm cackling the whole time.

My problem is there not ONE THING I am good at to me. Nothing. And having a relative that can pick up anything and ace it gets frustrating and makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong that I struggle to be good at anything after YEARS, let alone instantly.

No one in the past 24 hours has told me I'm good at anything but being a friend which... if that's the case. Why do i have zero irls. Why can't I connect with others at all.

And I refuse to believe NO ONE AT ALL saw that writing I posted. It's not possible. I have 150 followers and I don't think I posted much that day until I got upset that it was being so overlooked.

[allthepandasintheworld]

Well this is who I had in mind for a 10th class lmao As y'all can see I did a lot of erasing... I haven’t actually come up with a class icon yet, so have some empty circles for the time being

This boy here is called the transformer... Bc his wheelchair transforms dammit and bc he’s personally I guess a transformer

Name: The Transformer

Primary: Shotgun (and reskins)

Secondary: Pistol (and reskins) he’s sort of organized like the engineer: mostly emphasis on his melee and PDA slot

Melee: Computerized wheelchair (while selected, the computer screen on his lap opens up); in order to use abilities, this slot must be open. Note: taking damage will lower his speed, with 1%hp being 50% speed. % speed is directly proportional to the %hp left. Additional note: the Transformer cannot jump but can climb up objects such as stairs. Basically, as long as an area can be walked up, then the transformer can go there. If not, then the transformer cannot. This is to prevent the transformer from setting up in an unreasonable area. The transformer also cannot perform crouch, but can duck. Ducking does nothing really besides changing his hitbox. Also, he cannot be pushed airborne. He can, however, be pushed backwards and forwards very easily (bc yknow wheels).  

PDA: Has 3 forms to “transform” into; Offense, Defense, and Support (default)

Form A: Offense

higher speed (think Spy speed)

‘charge’ (M2) ability (similar to Demo’s shields, but can hit multiple enemies at once and will not stop upon striking enemies). Has a charge meter that will slowly refill.

used to move around faster, mostly because the charge doesn’t do much damage--charge ability will apply to quick fix

Form B: Defense

slower speed (think soldier speed)

small hp boost (from 200 hp to 250 hp)

shield ability: takes 2 seconds to deploy a shield that can be placed on the ground (like a sentry) and lasts for 1 minute. The shield has a total hp of 500, meaning it will take 500 points of damage before breaking. Only one shield may be deployed at any time. Shields can be destroyed (M2) by the Transformer and sapped by a Spy, similar to the Engineer’s buildings.

Form C: Support

regular speed (think pyro or demo)

targeted “null” ability. Fires a device at a trajectory. If the device strikes a building, it will disable the building until removed by an Engineer or a Pyro. It will not destroy or damage the building. Has 1 clip size and must be reloaded before firing again. It has 5 ammo.

targeted anti-missile software: 20 ammo - controlled by player and destroys all incoming missiles in a small cone in front of the player (extends 1 meter in front of the player and covers basically what you can see on your screen... there’s some fancy geometry you can do to figure out the full thing but im not gonna do that rn lmao its 11:30 pm). Cannot be refilled by dispenser. Expends 5 ammo in the first second, and 1 ammo for each second afterwards. Don’t spam this shit, ok bc first off that’s not fair and second... that’s fucking busted as hell ok like demo/soldier are engie’s #1 worst enemy and transformer nullifies that damage unless suitably nerfed so that engies cant abuse the transformer’s abilities. Sorry, technicalities.

Random Facts I’ve Thought Of:

He’s actually trans, like he’s a trans boy. The ultimate transformer.

One of his cosmetics is the “bisexual haircut”.

One of his custom taunts will be him doing the little thworp thing with a fan and laughing (you know, like Katya bc I love fans and he’s getting this ok he’s getting it).

He’s ethnically Chinese, and born in America when his parents immigrated over to America (after the 1940s actually or something which lets to my next random fact...)

I have no idea how old he is, but I’ll put him somewhere around Scout’s age. In fact, he has to be either Scout’s age or younger due to... History.

Growing up, he was a victim to the Second Red Scare (the about a decade or so right after WWII ended that began the Cold War). He was crippled due to a xenophobic hate crime when he was fairly young, and has since dedicated much time to renovating his wheelchair (his melee weapon and the weapon that makes his class unique in TF2). Initially, he worked with cheap materials and with whatever he could find.

His older brother was the one who got him the materials to build his wheelchair with.

When Mann Co. hired him, the Transformer was initially hesitant until he realized that the money he earned working for Mann Co is far more than anything he could hope for as a young Chinese American working in the 1960s.

Of all the teammates he’s with, he gets along with Engie the best. Engie acts like a father figure to him.

He and Scout probably spend time together, simply due to their age similarity, but Scout usually has little patience for Transformer, leading to Transformer creating the “Offense” portion of his kit.

He likes Heavy too, partially because Heavy understands what it’s like to be a foreigner in a country that doesn’t want him there. Or maybe he doesn’t. The Transformer doesn’t care because the Heavy is more calm than anyone else at the base and definitely the most trustworthy. He’s willing to talk about guns if that’s what’s necessary. Besides, he’s getting part of his literature education from Heavy, because this boy is determined to get a good education.

He tires easily due to spending most of his time in a wheelchair. Medic has offered some... Questionable solutions, to which the Transformer has refused.

Engie has probably also offered to make him prosthetic legs, but he also refused that. He would rather just use the wheelchair he built.

Anyways i’ll stop before this gets too stinkin’ long, kudos to whoever made it this far