#like John Knightley? My John Knightley who loves his wife to death?

[bethanydelleman]

Hi, you seem really knowledgable about Jane Austen theories, so I wonder if you know where this whacky theory I heard in 2021 comes from. I forgot who said it and I can't find it again.

The theory basically goes that every Jane Austen book is secretly about extramarital pregnancies. For example, the one in Emma would be that the Weston's baby is actually Jane Fairfax's, and that the only reason Jane came to town was to hide that fact.

Oh I think you stumbled across He Who Must Not Be Named Lest He Appear And Ruin Our Day (Arnie, for an indirect link, here he is on the First Impressions podcast). He's a Jane Austen tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist and his theories are fully bonkers.

Also, he seems to have trouble counting months because his timeline (as I remember it) would have Jane pregnant for far over nine months. If I recall correctly, his idea was that John Knightley (I know) got Jane pregnant, so she seduced Frank Churchill at Weymouth to pass the baby off as his, (this would occur in September) but then doesn't have the baby until July the next year, which is um... too many months! Especially if you consider she has to know she was pregnant, which before tests would take at least 2 months. (Mrs. Weston got pregnant in November, according to the calendar)

I don't usually dismiss people and their ideas out of hand, but just listen to that podcast if you don't believe me. The hosts are eating it right up but that man is fully off the deep end.

So yeah, you can feel free to throw that idea, and that Edward cutting up a scissor sheath is code for sexual assault, right out the window.

[ladybirdwithoutdots]

Anyways, when I watched Emma 2020 I liked John/Isabella as comic relief but not as an adaptation of the characters from the book. I totally get why book fans don't like it because I myself wasn't happy with it, though it certainly didn't ruin my overall enjoyment of the movie.

I do understand what they were trying to convey, though, and I find that portrayal consistent to the overall tone of the movie. I thought that the movie wanted to emphasize the fact they are overwhelmed by having to travel with kids (and reading the script confirmed that it's indeed what they wanted to show): I love that the first thing you hear when they arrive at Hartfield is that one of the kids vomited on his father's favorite pants, lol. Be it cars, trains or carriages: travelling with kids had always been a nightmare (at the time much more than nowadays). The thing is they have to leave the comfort and familiarity of their home - which is something John hates to do - to always accommodate Mr Woodhouse, who won't leave his own house.

I think they could've balanced it all better by still hinting they are in love (in the script she does call him "my love" but they left it out!).

That said, this take of John/Isabella also gave me some little moments I enjoyed immensely:

- Emma and Mr Knightley's "looking at each other trying to not laugh but failing miserably" reaction in the scene where the baby cries and everyone goes to panic.

- the fact that John, while being exasperated by his over the top wife and father in law, still follows his wife out of the room ("as death follows life", lmao).

- The way John tells the servants at Hartfield that it (the trip) was "unbearable" (seeking sympathy from the servants, lol), and the way he looks at Emma when they leave that is like "help me" (Emma's impertinent smile!) is hysterical.

- it is really sweet that, at the wedding, both the Knightley brothers are crying. With John, it shows that in spite of his sarcasm and grumpy side he's a softie and really happy for his brother (or maybe he's crying because he thinks his bro's peace is over and soon he'll too be surrounded by little Knightleys, lol).

- the fact Isabella seems to treat her husband like an overgrow child whose temper tantrums she needs to manage like she does with her kids ("husband, comport yourself" is a winner as a line, gotta say)

[twvstedsouls]

hi! can i pls ask 42 , 63 and 2? 🧡🧡

Thank you so much for sending some in, you're awesome ❤️

42. What’s your favourite animated movie?

This was a difficult one, it's a toss up between The Emperor's New Groove and The Road to El Dorado. I love the characters in the Emperor's New Groove more, there's so much detail and depth to each of them, even to secondary, side and minor characters - like Izma, Kronk and Pacha's family-which the Road to El Dorado attempts but doesn't do as well (there's a hyper-focus on the main characters, which are good but make the rest unimportant or fade into the background). HOWEVER. The Road to El Dorado has the better redemption twist and emotional depth to me.

Plus, the songs are better (the Dutch version - no offence Elton John, but Gordon sings your songs for this movie better than you).

63. In your opinion, the best character casting?

Doing one male and one female one, because I want to and because I can (honestly I even considered making a top 5, or a division for real person, character, and role)(willing to answer this question again if anyone wants to)

Female: Keira Knightley as Anna Karenina in Anna Karenina.

If this movie had been with any other actress in the lead I wouldn't have cared. The actress of course has done other historical works and works based on books. BUT something just clicked with this role. The character goes from the perfect wife and mother, to realisation something is missing, to lover, to marital conflict, to lover conflict, to the spiral into madness.

The way she tackled the emotions that go along with it, it's just so transfixing, compelling, haunting, it really sucks you in.

Male: Henry Cavill as Napoleon Solo in The Man From U.N.C.L.E.

I was not familiar with the tv-series that pre-dated this movie, nor the comic books. So I don't know if it's just the character, the director, or something else. But this role made me realize the actor can actually act, he's genuinely funny as Napoleon Solo, and one of my favourite movie spy characters now because of him.

Both of them brought a character to life, which to me, is what makes a good casting.

2. Favourite television show from the early 2000′s?

This is hands down the tv show, Dead Like Me for me. I thought it was a refreshing approach to death, often death in tv-shows is treated sad or scary, something to be avoided or scared off (in the form of avoidance by the characters, emotional breakdowns, or in the form of monsters, ghosts, demons, etc).

I love myself an emotional breakdown just like any other person, but, there's something about seeing a character who is indifferent towards their family/hates them and indifferent/uninterested in life when they were alive deal with loss and death. And the ability of george to be able to go back and see her family grow and move on without her.

Ghosts, the afterlife, and death of loved ones and how one processes those things has always fascinated me.

[mermaidsirennikita]

movie sex: valid or not valid?

Because I have nothing better to do and am the resident movie sexpert, I’m going to rate every single sex scene in this Buzzfeed List of Supposedly Hot Movie Sex Scenes based on its validity (which probably isn’t much).

1. Queen and Slim.  Off to a shameful start in that well I have not seen this, however as Jodie Turner-Smith is involved I’m gonna preemptively say it’s valid.

2. Swimfan.  I have not seen this either but the guy is ugly.  I only tolerate so many people I don’t find attractive.  Not valid.

3. Titanic, the scene where Jack lost his virginity.  EXTREMELY VALID.  The sex steam!  “You’re trembling”!  The way he had no idea what her plan was until she made him grab her tit!

4. Chloe, the scene with Julianne Moore and Amanda Seyfried having mommy issues sex.  I would say valid, but in fact this movie is pretty problematic and plays into the psycho lesbian trope and is a remake of a movie that DOESN’T, so not valid.

5. Dirty Dancing.  Valid, because she touches his butt and also because every time you watch this with someone who grew up in the 80s they’re GUARANTEED to be like “and this part this part THIS PART” when he carelessly tosses her shirt aside.

6. Brokeback Mountain, the tent scene.  Loses points for the lack of lube, but I don’t think archive of our own existed back then so they wouldn’t have known their mistakes.  Also, easily the hottest tent sex.  Valid.

7. Unfaithful, the stairwell scene.  FUCK YES HELL YEAH GOOD SHIT GET IT.  Very valid cheating sex.

8. Indecent Proposal, Demi Moore has sex with her husband, not billionaire Robert Redford.  Lol what a bait and switch, I watched this because it’s my dream to get paid a million to have sex with someone and I have to watch Woody Harrelson have sex?  No thanks.  Not valid.

9. Anna Karenina, when Anna and Vronsky like, dance-fuck?  Fuck-dance?  I don’t know.  Vronsky’s hair is absolutely atrocious, and his mustache makes me feel like he shouldn’t be allowed around children, but this scene is very pretty.  Also, if you’re asking God for forgiveness after sex you probably did it right.  Valid.

10. Out of Sight, Clooney and JLo.  One of those sex scenes that’s like, intercut with the convo leading up to the sex, which can be hit or miss but it’s very sultry and 90s here.  Valid.

11. Vicky Cristina Barcelona, the threesome scene.  First off, lol, WHAT SCENE, you don’t even see shit.  Second, Woody Allen probably got his rocks off to this so instantly NOT VALID.

12. The Girl on the Train.  On Buzzfeed, this is described as, “when Luke Evans goes down on his wife”, and I agree.  VALID.

13. Monster’s Ball.  ............... Halle Berry is very good in this movie.  Is the movie a good movie?  Is this a good sex scene?  Also Billy Bob Thornton is there?  The debates about storytelling and realism can go on and on, but in terms of what I’m judging things by, which is good sex scene-ness,  not valid.

14. Black Swan. Natalie Portman fucks herself but it’s actually Mila Kunis.  You know how things can get when one knows oneself.  Very valid, as is the entire movie.

15. Body of Evidence.  I haven’t seen this movie, but the person who submitted it to Buzzfeed describes it as “the oral and then penetrative sex”, so I don’t trust them first off.  Second, Willem Dafoe and Madonna?  I worry.  Not valid.

16. Roadhouse.  Another movie where every woman who was a teenager in the 80s brings it up like “Have you seen Roadhouse?” with That Gleam in their eye.  Valid.

17. Conversations with Other Women.  I’ve never seen this movie and the cap Buzzfeed chose is absolutely ghastly, truly devastating for Aaron Eckhart, who I do not trust because he is not cute.  Not valid.

18. Mr. and Mrs. Smith, the kitchen fuckfight scene.  Listen kids, marriages don’t always work out but you can always look back and watch the moment when Shiloh was conceived!!!  We love witnessing the death of a marriage with brutal boning, QUITE valid.

19. Atonement, the library scene.  Yes!!!  A thousand times yes!!!!  Knightley’s foot gradually lifting off the ground, the “I love yous”, the entire mood getting killed when her kid sister walks in?  Perfection.  Valid.

20. Rocketman, Elton John bones Richard Madden.  So valid!  It’s very sweet and loving even though you know Richard Madden is bad news, and also I totally get why Elton almost lost a career over him.  Same, bro!

21. Y Tu Mama Tambien, the threesome.  Y’all can fuck a Goldfinch, actually attractive men (Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna) actually make out with their actual lips and consummate their erotic friendship while the dying woman they’ve been roadtripping with blows them simultaneously.  Get your fucking shit together.  VALID.

22. The Mountain Between Us.  I.... I feel like a fraud here, but I did not like this scene.  Idris is very hot, but he looks like he’s crying during?  And I mean maybe that’s appropriate considering the fact that they almost died on a mountain, but that’s not my style.  Not valid, but gently.  Tearfully.

23. Her, that scene when Joaquin has phone sex with a robot.  I think that says it all.  Not valid.

24. The Piano, the scene where Harvey Keitel and Holly Hunter finally bone.  Like, am I attracted to Harvey Keitel?  No.  Let us get this disclaimer out there.  Is there some weird shit in this movie?  Yes.  But you can like.................. hear the vigor with which he’s going down on her in this scene......................................... ladies this was directed by a woman and you can TELL.  Valid.

25. A History of Violence, the stair scene.  This movie is very weird to me in so many ways, but like.  That shit.  That shit was..................... something.  Valid.

26. Crimson Peak, Tom Hiddleston fucks his wife when he wants to be fucking his sister.  I made this entire list because I saw the screencap of this scene for the article and laughed aloud.  Oh.  OH, Hiddlesstans.  Y’all think this was sexy?  His pale ass, the way he tried to snakedance his way up her body?  Oh.  Oh, my children.  Watch some other scenes, I beg of you.  Not valid, but a decent effort.

[staceymorgan2492-blog]

My Mr Knightley

Hello everyone.  

With all of the craziness of COVID-19 happening around the world, I thought I’d share the funny, roundabout way that I came to marry my husband.

This all happened over a month or so when I was 21 in my small hometown. My older sister Isabella was already married with kids, off living life in the city. Her husband John is the brother of my closest friend and our neighbour, George Knightley. It feels weird to call him George; he’s always been Mr Knightley to me – what with him being 16 years older than me and all. It was just my dad and I since Isabella had left, and my childhood nanny had married a lovely gentleman named Mr Weston. After I set them up, I got a real taste for matchmaking.

Which brings us to the beginning of my own love story…

After Mrs Weston left Dad and I to live with Mr Weston, I needed a female companion to help me fill my time. I had my dad of course, and Mr Knightley, but a girl needs a girlfriend, right? This is how I befriended Harriet Smith. She was the nicest, gentlest thing you could ever think of and she loved my friendship. After getting to know her, I felt my matchmaking senses tingling, so I decided it was time to set her up. On considering the few eligible men around town, I settled on Philip Elton, who worked with the church. He was handsome, charming and very polite, or so he seemed. Around the same time, a farmer called Robert Martin proposed to her – out of nowhere! I obviously edged her away from him and back towards Philip – farmer, or man of the church? It got a bit awkward after Harriet rejected Robert’s proposal, because Philip then confessed his love for me – which I’m still convinced wasn’t love, but business – and got super offended when I told him I thought he was in love with Harriet. He sulked off out of town, leaving Harriet obviously crushed, and Mr Knightley furious with me for meddling. Philip came back a few weeks later with a wife; that was a shock to us all! Her name is Augusta, and she’s kind of the worst, as you’ll see.

Then this big old distraction comes to town in the form of Frank Churchill, Mr Weston’s son from his previous marriage. Frank had gone off to live in the city and been adopted by his very wealthy aunt and uncle, and I’d heard that they were quite controlling. Suddenly the pool of eligible bachelors in town was increasing (that’s right – one extra eligible bachelor was a huge deal!) but I was still pretty set against marriage; with Isabella gone, I had to stay with Dad on the farm, and that suited me just fine. The Westons apparently got the matchmaking tingles and thought perhaps Frank and I would be a good suit. Everybody liked Frank, except Mr Knightley. I couldn’t figure it out, but he found everything about Frank disagreeable. Frank was pretty flirty with me, and I thought I should probably discourage him, but I’m not immune to flattery, so we may have harmlessly flirted a little.

Shortly after that, Jane Fairfax returned. I’d grown up with beautiful, reserved Jane, and she’d left town to work in the city. I found her reserve to be somewhat standoffish, so I didn’t like her all that much. No-one could understand it; we were the same age and had grown up together, so we should be friends. Like that’s all you needed to build a female friendship… those things are hard work! Jane never explained why she returned, but she planned to stay with her aunt and grandma. Mr Knightley told me I should be more compassionate to Jane, because my family is secure and she has to go off and work. Well, Mrs Weston overheard that and got it in her head that my Mr Knightley loved Jane; I didn’t believe it for one second! Not my Mr Knightley.

Next up, we held a dance in town. It was going well until Philip and Augusta were intentionally rude to Harriet, and thankfully, ever the gentleman, Mr Knightley stepped in and asked Harriet to dance, ruining their fun. After they danced, Mr Knightley and I shared a dance, something we’d never done. He was my brother-in-law, neighbour and closest friend, and I wasn’t looking to change that. That dance, though, whew! As Mr Knightley and I were walking home – we were neighbours after all – Frank raced up to us carrying Harriet and told us someone had tried to mug her! She was completely fine, just shaken up. Once Frank and Mr Knightley had both left and it was just us girls, Harriet told me she was in love – again – with a man she thinks to be above her, but she’s sure he feels the same. I ignored my matchmaking tingles and we vowed not to speak of it again, lest I ruin love for her a second time. In my heart though, I agreed that brave Frank would be a great match for gentle Harriet.

To cover the next few terrible events very quickly, we had a picnic, I acted like a brat, Mr Knightley yelled at me, I cried, everyone was mad at me, Frank’s aunt died and he had to leave town to be with his uncle; a lot can happen in two days in a small town.

Now, for the resolution… Frank returned to town and announced publicly that he had been secretly engaged to Jane the whole time but his aunty didn’t approve so her death was a blessing in disguise. Surprise! I raced to tell Harriet that the object of her love was secretly engaged to Jane, but she surprised me by telling me Frank was not the object of her love, Mr Knightley was. My Mr Knightley! I told her that could not be, I would not have encouraged such a dream! I was shocked to discover my feelings for Mr Knightley when I felt that someone else may steal him away. Thankfully, my lovely Mr Knightley, being a bit older and wiser than I, had figured out my feelings before I did. In all the conversations where Harriet thought Mr Knightley to be returning her affections, he was simply working to reunite her with Robert. The man who was so set against my meddling had convinced Robert to give Harriet another chance, and she did not turn him down a second time.

Long story short, my Mr Knightley and I will soon be married.

So, I hope you’ve enjoyed the story of how I, and subsequently three other couples in my tiny town, came to be within a very short timeframe.

Thanks for reading!

[aion-rsa]

Mortifying Tales of Post-Screening Q&As Emerge Online

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

The post-screening Q&A is a lovely tradition that often retrospectively seems like it was better in theory than in practice. If you’ve been to a handful of them, you may be aware that the Venn diagram of people more inclined to get up and actually ask a question about the film they’ve just watched, and people who love to hear themselves talk regardless of the relevance of the subject matter, regularly appears to be pretty close to a circle.

One moment that audience members tend to dread when they pop along to a movie screening attended by a cast and crew brave and willing enough to field questions from an audience occurs when the mic is finally passed to an eager beaver and “hi, yeah, this is more of a comment than a question…” is the first thing that spills from their mouth.

Feeling trapped in your seat, you know damn well you’re about to hear either the worst opinion of all time or, if you’re incredibly lucky, a lengthy story only vaguely related to the movie in question. The brain recoils and straps in for the inevitable: as a collective, you’re about to experience paint drying in real time – you can only hope that any of you were smart enough to bring snacks.

But it could be worse, as Twitter has proven fairly well this week. Movie fans and industry professionals have been sharing their tales of post-screening Q&A woe online for all to read, and some of it makes for truly cringeworthy reading at that.

From the woman who asked Benedict Cumberbatch if she could taste his “deliciousness” before being escorted off the premises, to a hungover Mickey Rourke just hanging in there for dear life during his efforts not to vomit, this is just a sample of some of the worst post-screening Q&A stories shared on Twitter so far…

TIFF for Imitation Game, woman gets to mic and starts sexually harassing Benedict Cumberbatch, asks “can I taste your deliciousness,” entire audience erupts in mortified groans, Keira Knightley open-mouth shock, Cumberbatch barely fazed tries to laugh it off. Woman escorted out. https://t.co/AH6S6yQH67

— Brian FH Clement (@brianfhclement) August 12, 2021

Well this is just rude…

Got free tickets to a screening of Ex Machina at a small theater in NYC. My wife and I were snorting and making sarcastic jokes after like 20 minutes. Guy behind us shushed us and I gave him the finger and kept talking. When the film ended he got up to talk. Sorry Alex Garland

— Danny Brody (@DannyBrodyBX) August 12, 2021

Really putting the Q in Q&A…

This was a Comic Con and not post screening but someone asked John de Lancie, serious actor who happens to voice a My Little Pony character, what he thought about all the erotic pics and fanfic on Tumblr. The cringe took years off my life. https://t.co/oa1btKPkrO

— Laura (@laurahotch) August 12, 2021

How dare…

1st screening of ROGER RABBIT. When the lights came up, there weren't enough people left in the theater to have a Q&A.

��� Frank Marshall (@LeDoctor) August 11, 2021

This is disgusting. Who wears sunglasses indoors…?

Happy memories of the THE WRESTLER q&a with Aronofsky & Rourke, in which Mickey Rourke, drenched in sweat and wearing sunglasses, crouched down on the stage to steady himself due to his colossal hangover. He gestured to Aronofsky to keep talking while he focused on not vomiting. https://t.co/s5CDPm46n7

— Whitlock And Pope (@WhitlockAndPope) August 12, 2021

After a screening of the Suspiria remake the host, ex-MTV Steve Blame, asked Luca G. to tell each other something they haven‘t told to anyone else. G. politely declined but Blame told a deeply private 10 minute long story about the things his mother told him on her death bed

— DerSoze (@kaisasoze) August 12, 2021

Oofgood…

I was at a 70mm screening of Willow w/ Ron Howard where a guy got up, complimented the film, asked if there were plans for a sequel. Then pulled a script out of his pocket for “Willow 2” that he had written. When the groans of 2nd hand embarrassment started, he was MYSTIFIED. https://t.co/qtJuhX0CXT

— Tanner Johnson (@TannerTrue) August 12, 2021

Will The Last Jedi discourse ever end…

Knives Out screening at Arclight where half the audience questions were about why Rian Johnson ruined Star Wars.

— Sean Mercado (@SceneMersaydo) August 12, 2021

Super Monkeyball…

I went to a screening of Jeff Who Lives at Home with q&a featuring Jason Segel and Ed Helms and someone mentioned Jonah Hills performance in Moneyball which led to an audience member repeatedly screaming “MONKEYBALL!!” Over and over again. https://t.co/LCCF9weT1d

— Good Ol’ Mike P (Available for storyboard work!) (@PattenPending) August 12, 2021

Doing his evil bidding…

THE NEON DEMON. Refn up on stage held up the Q&A and told us all to wait because he was bidding on some movie memorabilia on eBay. Just ignored everyone and looked at his phone. The audience had paid extra for the special screening. It was awkward as hell.

— William D'Annucci (@CountBillStein) August 12, 2021

Man Who Fell To Woof. I’ll see myself out…

Nic Roeg after a screening of 'The Man Who Fell To Earth'. A woman in the audience asked a sadly very frail, ailing Roeg, who had struggled throughout the Q&A, if 'he'd ever considered making the film with animals instead, as animals have a different spirit to humans'. https://t.co/czAWjEfuRB

— Nia Childs (@nia_loves_films) August 12, 2021

Use your indoor kidnapping plot voice…

when i saw eighth grade at the music box & a girl asked bo burnham for his wrist and ankle measurements so she could chain him up in her basement……. 🥲⁉️ https://t.co/Qud9WebtG4

— megan (@heyitsmegn) August 12, 2021

I saw a screening of Escape From New York in like 2004. A Q&A with Carpenter followed it. Someone in the crowd asked if he felt responsible for 9/11. Crowd was pretty divided after that.

— David Snyder (@SnyderDavidE) August 12, 2021

Went to a Donnie Yen Q&A where the moderator spent 95% of the event asking questions about Bruce Lee… https://t.co/Zs6p7bUqzf

— Timon Singh (@TimonSingh) August 12, 2021

No. Just no…

My husband went to a screening of Kick-Ass at the Music Box where a grown man asked 13-year-old Chloe Moretz if she had a boyfriend https://t.co/HEcHrb1IJC

— Molly (@_uncoolniece) August 12, 2021

Was at a film festival and saw a little no name film. It was sold out. It became apparent the person had spent years making it, and had promised to pay everyone, but never did. Every question asked was when they were getting paid, and the audience applauding. Cringe max.

— R.J. Blake (@RJBlake_Prod) August 12, 2021

More like a nightmare…

Went to a WGA screening years ago where Matt Damon did the Q&A and some guy got up and nervously raced through the following in a rehearsed monotone voice: “In 1997 Hollywood made your dreams come true and so I’m wondering if you would like to in turn make my dreams come true”

— Christopher Cantwell (@ifyoucantwell) August 12, 2021

Common: What’s your favorite food? Lanthimos: I don’t know there’s so many to choose fro- Common: I like pizza. pic.twitter.com/ANVtWqkOf4

— Ke⚔️in (@justaddknives) August 11, 2021

Got any moments of excruciating cringe of your own to share from post-screening Q&As you’ve attended? Be sure to let us know in the comments so that we can all suffer together!

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