#like I’m not that far into it so I’d prolly spoil it for myself anyways but THATS WHAT TUMBLR IS ALL ABT TO ME!!!!

[abnormalpsychology]

We need to start talking more abt Six Feet Under (THE SHOW ON HBO) as a website. The censorship is crazy! I can’t live like this

[ilegnangeli]

Random June Thought #1

I think I may have to be the most sentimental person I know. Or maybe not sentimental but mental. Just kidding. So I’ve shared that whenever I go back home, I get pretty sentimental. And it’s really true.

Maybe because I get to see my parents. My aging parents. And I get reminded of how fast and finite life is.

I have so many things planned for them but I feel like I’m running out of time. Whenever people ask me what I want to have in the future, I don’t answer them with having a family of my own but instead I want to see my family members safe and healthy. I want to spend a longer time with them. Never mind getting married or having a family of my own. Just seeing my family members’ good health and seeing them living a good life will be more than enough for me.

The thing is I almost always get to do heart to heart talks with my family when I meet with them. I get to speak with my father and his plans for the future. I get to chat with my mother about where she wants to go and what she wants to do. I get pretty sentimental because I love these people. I love my parents so much. And I want to honor them as much as I can, spoil them as much as I can. But I’m so short on time. I only get to visit them once a month and it pains me that I need to say goodbye ever so often.

I’m not a kid anymore but I still am a kid in my parents’ eyes. I love that my parents are so loving and unconditional when it comes to providing love, care, and attention to us—their children and of course, grandchildren. I love that I grew up with the parents I have now. I’m grateful that I get to experience life with them as my parents. I love that I have a generous father and a loving mother. Their combination is perfect. So thank You, God. Thank you for giving me these parents. I am eternally grateful.

Today’s Father’s Day. It's funny because since the ‘rents, me, and my younger sister are vaccinated, we get to celebrate together. With my aunt and cousins, too. And little Batuti who had to come along because there will be no one to look after him in our condo. Lmao

Anyway, today was a really good day. An emotional one, too. On the way home, as my cousin drove us back to the Metro, my aunt and I had this conversation about the future. She asked me about my plans. She asked me about my plans for the house where my parents are living. She asked me about the future—my future. I told her I don’t think about getting married. Because I feel like in the short span of time remaining with my parents, I just want to spoil them. I want to give them the life they deserve. I just want to provide for them. Because no one else will do that for them. All my older siblings are married, busy with their lives, and busy their own families.

Plus, I’m afraid of becoming a parent myself. I don’t know if I could be as loving or as caring as Mama Duay. I don’t know of I could ever be as hardworking and generous as Papa Henry. I don’t know if I can call myself a mother, a parent in the future. I’m not sure if I want my future children to grow up in this specific environment. I don’t know how I will be able to raise strong, independent, and caring children. I’m so afraid for them to experience pain and suffering here. I’m not sure if I could take it—just watching them grow up while struggling. I don’t know. I don’t want them to feel the same things I’ve felt—I'm feeling—here. I’m not sure they deserve this kind of life. It’s so hard to live here. My God, just thinking about this makes me tear up.

Life is hard. And I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to raise children because I expect them to give something in return for the life I’ve provided for them. I don’t want that.

But then I think about my parents. What they want for me. I feel like sometimes, when I talk about my crush during meals, my dad gets pretty silent and a little jealous because I seriously sound like I want to settle down. Lmao I feel like my mom always says that my crush is gay because she feels that—at the same time—she doesn’t want to give me away. (Dear crush, if you only knew how much I have thought about our future together lol. Thank God, you’ll never know though.)

What’s funny is that sometimes I feel like my parents WANT me to settle down with someone. So that they could be at peace. Damn, this is going to make me cry so hard. I don’t want to cry, I’ve been crying over the weekend. My heart can’t take it anymore lmao. If the world gave me money for every tear I dropped or every ounce of tear that came down my face, I’d be swimming in a pool of money. Dammit. But life, life is much harder. And I can only write about life because that’s how I roll. So in case you’re reading this in the future, SELF. I hope you’re in a much better place. I’m praying for the future of us. This is me from the past saying hello.

On our drive home, I spoke with my aunt about how I was planning to travel with my parents before the pandemic. I wanted to bring my parents abroad. I wanted to bring them to the places I’ve been and experience those places with them. I still want that. I will do that. Please COVID-19, go away.

I also told my aunt that I wanted to bring my dad back to Ilocos. He loves that place. My parents are both from Visayas. Papa is Waray, Mama is Bisaya. How they ended up together? That’s a story for another time. But my dad was stationed in Ilocos for some time, way before I came into their life, and they lived there for some time with two of my ugly ass brothers. Sorry I always call my siblings ugly asses—it’s my endearment. While my elder sister and eldest brother were in Samar. Parents married early, both were 18 at the time of marriage. But despite that they were able to raise their children. I feel like writing about their life—maybe one day I could write about our lives. Soon? Lol anywho, Papa loves Ilocos and I want to bring him back there. With the fam. If God will give me enough time with my parents, I hope to be able to bring them abroad, too. At least once.

I wish I could win the lottery. So that I could do all these things faster. Buy that house I’ve always wanted to have in Presello lmao. Give the life I want to give to my parents and my younger sister. Spoil my nephews and niece to oblivion. And prolly purchase a guy who would love to settle with me. I’m just kidding. I always joke about becoming rich and just buying men. But that also scares the shit outta me. Imagine, what if he’s a serial killer? And he only marries me because he wants my money? Hmm, those are some thoughts to ponder. So much for watching true crime shit on YouTube.

So I’m going back to my original plans. Get those education units. Get that teaching license. If God permits me, get that graduate degree. Leave the country. Never look back. LMAAAAOOOO, girl. Hopefully these aren’t wishful thinking. Because istg, I want a better life for my family. If it means I’ll never get married, then so be it. HAHAHAHA.

Anyway, happy father’s day to all you dads out there. I hope you had a great celebration with your families. I had a great one today. And I loved every moment of it. I wish I could celebrate more with my family. I miss us eating out together. We’re big bunch, you see. And I get a little bit too sentimental when I get reminded of the past because right now, in this pandemic, we can’t do that. But thank God for technology, right? We get to video chat our loved ones and celebrate with them even when they’re far away. But then again, these social media networking sites aren’t meant to substitute for real-time, face to face conversations. They’re just here for interim purposes (this line reminds me of my journalism paper back in uni yo!).

I have so many things I want to share, so many things have happened today. Actually over the weekend and I want to write about it. But let’s just leave this post here. Let’s park this topic. Oh man, my brain wants to write more but I don’t want to end this on a sad note.

Mondays are the worst. I want to face tomorrow with a smile. I want to work harder, become better, and then leave with a light heart. My God, I pray for this anxious heart of mine to please calm tf down. Hahaha.

Cheer up, self. Things will get better.

P.S. I am addicted to TWICE's Alcohol Free. This song is my last song syndrome.

[hornsbeforehalos]

Whiskey, Sweetheart: Part 16

Pairing: Past Norman Reedus x OFC, Past JDM x OFC Warnings: RPF, Smut, Language, Breif Violence, Jealousy, Angst, Older man/Younger Woman.

Series Masterlist

Summary: After Jeffrey’s neglect pushed her away and into the arms of his best friend, Norman and Ky have to figure out if their new relationship can withstand not only the aftermath of the unspeakable crime they commited to keep her safe, but the backlash that comes from being co-workers with a very betrayed Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

A/n: This is the Sequel to Anytime, Sweetheart and The Conquests of Norman Reedus. You’ll probably be a bit confused if you haven’t read Conquests yet, though, or at least the Finale, but you could probably figure it out on your own if you don’t want to. But I don’t see why you wouldn’t want to, lol.

Everything tags:@aquivercactus@srj1990@dragongirl420@docharleythegeekqueen@jesbakescookies@make-things-beautiful2 @through-thesilver-lining@sorenmarie87 @daddy-kink-confirmed@redm81@heyitscam99@kazosa@blacklightguidesnic@fandomoniumflurry @his-paradox@keepcalmimthecupcake @ambeazyyy @starkeeper41

JDM TAGS: @jdmfanfiction @jeffreydeanneganstrash

Norman tags: @reedusteinrambles @jodiereedus22 @dollycrybaby

Whiskey, Sweetheart: @elinyaes @jml509@xagateophobiax@missghoul18@beffyblueeyes  @foreveror-never @zombeeemomeee @jackybehappy@journeyrose @alilarkin99

Norman stared at me silently for a long time, the revelation that he was going to be a father again by a woman who just shattered his heart a hard pill to swallow. 

“How long have you known?” He finally rasped, his voice thick and gravely.

“Right after we got out of jail,” I answered, diverting my eyes from him as his eyebrows raised at the notion that it’d been that long.

“For a month?” He asked, disbelief and frustration riddled in his tone, “You didn’t tell me?”

“I wanted to tell you, Norm, I did,” I started, meeting his eyes, “I just didn’t know how.”

“How about start off by saying, ‘Hey, babe, I’m pregnant!’?” Norman sneered, turning to sit on the step he’d been kneeling on and putting his head in his hands, resting his elbows on his thighs, “Can’t believe you’ve kept this from me.”

Scoffing at him as my anger flared up again, “Oh, I’m sorry, babe, kinda hard to be enthusiastic when you’re constantly reminding me of how much you don’t want kids.”

He gritted his teeth and bit his cheek as he attempted to keep from snapping back at me, his voice coming out from behind his clenched jaw, “You should have told me, Kylin.”

“Whatever, Norm,” I sniffled as I wiped my nose on my shirt sleeve, “This is the exact reaction I expected, anyway.”

“I’m  not mad that you’re pregnant, Kylin,” Norman grunted, lifting his head up to turn his face to the side to look at me out of the corner of his eye, “I’m pissed that you waited ‘till now to tell me.”

He shifted again so he was leaning against the railing of the stairs, one foot propped up on the step he was sitting on and the other one on the one below it. He brought his gaze to mine for a moment before looking at the wall, shaking his head in frustration, “I’m pissed because you didn’t talk to me about what happened, you just blasted me on Instagram and slept with your ex. You didn’t even trust me enough to be like, ‘What the fuck?’ You just believed everything he said, just like you used to. I’m pissed because I trusted you,” His voice broke as tears resurfaced and ran down his cheek, his eyes darkening as he met my stare again, “And now I have to spend the rest of my life tied to someone I hate.”

His words burned into me long after Jensen had found us and pulled me into his room after telling Norman he needed to leave. Jeffrey had been dealt with, how I didn’t care as long as I wasn’t going to have to see him anytime soon. I lay in Jensen’s bed for the rest of the night and the next day, him, Misha, and Rob alternating checking in on me between events they had scheduled. The news that I was pregnant had made it’s way around the group, but it was a somber celebration with the way things had ended up happening. 

“What am I gonna do, Robbie?” I asked as he wrapped his arms securely around me and pulled me into his chest, “How am I gonna do this by myself?”

“You know you’re not alone, Kay,” He argued, tightening his grip on me, “Everyone is going to be doting on them so much, you’re probably gonna have to beat people away from the poor kid.”

A smile formed on my face at the thought of Jared, Jensen and Misha playing the awesome uncles, spoiling the poor kid before sending him home to me, “You’re prolly right about that.”

“What if I’m a complete fuck up at the whole mother thing and screw the kid up entirely?” I asked after a bout of silence, my mind working in overdrive, “What if it hates me or something?”

“Oh, honey, of course they’re gonna hate you,” Rob chuckled, “All kids hate their parents at some point.” 

“Did Calvin and Audrey hate you?” I asked curiously, looking up at him from  my place on his chest.

“Ohhhhh yeah,” He sighed, his brow furrowing with disappointment “Hell, they’re grown and still hate me.”

“Huh?” I grunted as I sat up on my elbow to see his face better, “How come?”

“Just shit with Mollie. She’s officially filing for divorce this time apparently and their both pissed because they say it’s my fault.”

“What? Since when?!” I gasped, scrambling to sit up to look at him, my hands prssing against him chest, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Shrugging, Rob twisted his lip and looked away, “You were busy all the time with Norman, and we rarely hung out anymore. I didn’t want to bother you with it.”

“I’m so sorry, babe,” I cooed, rubbing my palms down his arms to hold his hands, “I know how much she means to you.”

“She’s my wife, I mean, but we want different things. She’s busy with her law firm and I’m never home with how much I tour. She wasn’t okay with us being friends and I-”

“Wait, what? She wasn’t cool with us being friends?” I interrupted, my brows crinkling, “Since when?”

“Since every time we split up I wound up in your bed, princess,” He smirked as he squeezed my hands, “She was jealous.”

“Of me?” I scoffed, recoiling my head in disbelief, “What the fuck? I was never trying to take you from her.”

“I know that, Ky, but I wasn’t going to lie to her about anything that happened between us. I tried explaining to her that we were just best friends who happens to sleep with each other occasionally, but she insisted that it was more.”

“You know I love you, Robbie,” I said seriously, “But I never meant to be the reason for ya’ll to divorce.”

“You’re not the only reason for it, Kay,” He assured, smirking again as he sat up against the head board more and pulled me closer to him, his blue eyes bright with affection, “And I love you too. Forever, Sweetheart.”

I knew I probably shouldn’t, that it was definitely a bad idea, but it’s not like I’d been making good choices recently anyway, so I leaned over and kissed him. It was gentle and chaste, and he kissed me back instantly, our lips molding together until the sound of a key-card beeping outside made me pull away quickly. 

“I swear to Christ I can’t leave you two alone together,” Rich snarked with a shake of his head as he strolled in, Rob and I obviously caught by our pink cheeks and averting eyes, “Somethin’ else, girl.”

“Shut your face-hole, Richie,” I sneered back, rolling my eyes, “Don’t be jealous.”

“Of Rob? Please, honey-child, if I wanted you, you’d be mine,” He winked as he sat on the edge of the bed, “But unfortunately, my wife would probably kill you and me both.”

“Oh yeah, me, you, murdered,” I giggled, sprawling out to rest my chin on Rob’s stomach as I looked up at Rich, “How’s things down there?”

“Swimmingly, but I need to steal Rob so we can close this fucker down. You feel like coming down or you staying here?”

“I’m staying here,” I sighed, rolling off of Rob and sitting back up as he moved to get off the bed and straighten himself up, “Don’t feel like fuckin’ with anybody else today.”

“It’ll get better, sweetheart, you know it.” Rich assured, rubbing his hands up my biceps before bringing me into a hug, “You and little gummybear in there are gonna be just fine.”

“I sure as shit hope so.”

It was odd being back in Los Angeles. It’d been 3 weeks since Norman left and I had decided that I needed a break from traveling so much, but I never really felt right to be constantly at home all the time. 

It wasn’t that I was alone, either, because I certainly wasn’t. During the week, when Robbie wasn’t busy with shows or preparing for conventions, he was constantly checking in with me, making sure I didn’t need anything and even going as far as to going with me to one of my doctor’s appointments.

Gen, Danni, and Vickie made it a point to be up my ass as well, the two Texas girls insisting I Face-time with them at least once a day, where as Vicky would randomly pop in bright and early in the morning and make me go to some herbal shop with her and the kids, or do something ridiculous like goat yoga or something of the sort. While it was nice to have the distractions, my heart ached over Norman still, and I didn’t see it going away anytime soon. He’d shipped all my things that I’d left in New York and Georgia to me, and the only form of communication we had had was when I’d sent him a picture of the sonogram from the latest doctor visit, receiving a simple heart emoji back. I knew there was nothing to be said about us, and him saying he hated me still echoed through my head on a daily basis. I just hoped by the time the baby got here we’d at least be able to maintain some form of decency with each other.

I was approaching my sixteenth week, and had started to show just a slight bump. Everybody had thought it was absolutely adorable, and my mother had insisted on talking to it when I Facetimed her to tell them the news. At first they both insisted that I get on the next flight back to Dallas, but I eventually had them convinced I would be okay on my own.

I was too grown to be running to Mommy and Daddy to fix my fuck ups, anyway. 

The pulsing vibrations of my phone jarred me from a dreamless sleep, my body jerking into consciousness before scrambling to find the offending device. Groaning as I did so, I squinted my eyes open while blowing the fallen hair from my face. The contact from the law firm I had’s number displayed across the screen, and I quickly hit the accept button.

“Hello?” I greeted, trying to keep my voice from rasping with sleep.

“Ms. Ackles? This is Barbara, Mr. Walsh’s assistant?” The girl chirped in on the other side, “Sorry to have woken you?”

“No problem,” I croaked out, rollingonto my back and sitting up against the headboard, “What can I help you with?”

“Mr. Walsh wanted met to call and inform you that after speaking with Mr. Morgan and Mr. Reedus and presenting the information, The judge, with Mrs. Marcelli’s input and testimony, has decided to drop all charges and allegations towards all parties involved.” 

My mind whirled while it processed what the girl said, my eyes tearing up as I bolted forward in the bed, “Oh, shit, really? Thank you so much! Tell Mr. Walsh he’s amazing, thank you so so so much, really, like...Thank you.”

I ended the conversation shortly after, quickly distracted by jumping for joy as I heard Vicki unlock the door with her key. She gave me a confused look as I leapt at her, my arms winding around her body and lifting her up with me as I jumped.

“You win the lottery or something?” She inquired with a snort, holding me out at arms length by the biceps, “What’s up?”

“The law firm just called, Vic, I’m good, we’re good!” I squealed, jumping up and down again. 

This time she joined me, wrapping her arms around me tightly with a huge smile on her face, “That’s fucking awesome, Kay, thank God.”

A sudden tension in my belly caused me to stop suddenly, my hand instantly covering the bump, my smile returned as I felt the movement again, this time, against my hand.

“Holy fucking shit, Vic, the baby kicked,” I squealed as I looked up to her wide eyes, snatchign her hand and replacing it for mine, “Holy shit. Come on, lil’ baby, kick for Aunt Vicki.”

Vicki moved her other hand across the small swell and pressed in slightly, cooing as she did. The fluttering feeling returned, and she gasp as she felt a strong kick against her palm, “Oh, hi there, baby!”

“Oh my god, Vic, I gotta tell-” I started, but clamped my mouth shut before I finished the sentence. A rush of anxiety flipped its way into my stomach as I silently walked into my bedroom and found my phone, picking it up and unlocking the screen before looking at Vic as she leaned against the door frame. 

“This is so shitty, Vicki,” I sighed, slumping down onto my mattress as I spun my phone in circles to distract myself, “Why does this have to be so shitty?”

“I told you a long time ago this was going to get mess, Kylin,” Vicki snorted, adjusting her glasses before crossing her arms and stepping into the room, she sat down on the edge of the bed beside me and nudged me with her arm, “You’re the one that went and made it worse.”

“Thanks for reminding me, best friend,” I snorted back, nudging her as well, “Issue is, I don’t know how to make it better.”

Vicki shrugged, patting my leg and sighing, “I dunno, girl. Send Norman a text, I guess. Just come on, we have stuff to do.”

Vicki’s ‘stuff to do’ consisted of her dragging me through some all-natural, hippie granola crunch bar store that apparently had a great deal on biodegradable diapers. I groaned loudly as she loaded up a cart full of things I apparently wasn’t going to be able to live without as we shuffled through the isles, rolling my eyes at some of the things she was getting. 

“You’re fuckin’ ridiculous, Victoria, you know that?” I teased as my phone began to vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out and stopped in the middle of the isle, my eyes widening instantly. 

“Who is it?” Vicki asked, her brows furrowing in concern. I flipped the phone around in her direction to show her Norman’s face flashing across the screen. Her eyebrows shot up and she motioned for me to answer it, pointing that she was going to walk a bit further ahead.

I pressed the accept button as I began slowly walking forward again, leaning into the buggy that I’d been pushing, “H-Hello?”

“Hey,” He said quietly, as if he was just as nervous, “I got your text.”

“Mmhmm,” I hummed back, looking around as I approached the section with baby clothes, “That’s good.”

“Everything’s going good so far?” He inquired sheepishly, seeming to not really know what to say, “No issues or anythin’?”

“Not that they’ve told me about,” I said absently, reaching out with my free hand to touch a shirt that was made from some organic material I couldn’t pronouce, “I find out the gender next month.”

“Hmm,” He responded quietly, and I could picture him nodding his head before he suddenly said, “Hope it’s a boy.”

A loud snort left my nose and mouth as I shook my head, throwing the tiny hemp outfit into the buggie, “I do too, actually. Lookin’ at little boy clothes right now.”

Norman let his own chuckle trail through the phone line, and I had to stop myself from saying something stupid. Humming again, I pushed the tears that were threatening to pick to the surface (stupid fucking hormones) and investigated another outfit on a rack.

“You wouldn’t...wanna go to the doctor with me to find out for sure, would you?” I asked softly, surprising myself as another flood of nerves ran through my bloodstream, “I mean, I totally get it if not, I just-”

“I dunno if I’m ready for that, Ky,” He sighed, the awkwardness creeping through thickly, “Maybe after a while.”

“Okay, yeah...” I replied easily, putting another outfit in the basket, “Yeah, sure.”

“Look, I gotta go, I just wanted to...call and check in.” Norman offered, sympathy in his voice, “Let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“Kay, thanks Norm, I-” I stuttered, catching myself and closing my mouth quickly before sighing again, “I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Bye, Whiskey.”

[justurneighboorhoodfriendlybg]

I wrote my suicide letter

When I said people their section, I’m just gonna say it was for therapeutic reasons

What I’m not gonna tell them is that I wrote just in case I’d b too strung out if I’d really do it. Cause the best way it sounds like to do it is an OD

But anyways, that’s not what we’re focusing on

I wrote this and I feel like I shouldn’t share it to here. But I will cause

This is my dairy

This is the page where I can say anything I want

Post anything I want

Do anything I want n still have a good expectation of privacy

Cause on this public platform no one cares about me (lol almost like real life)

But just as a preface: I wrote this in one of our trials n tribulations. And if I sound stupid, please someone inbox me and give me the dose of reality I need. Also the letter started out as just as me venting in the notes on dudes computer and turned into a letter.

And without further ado:

how I feel/my last note

i will never be enough for anyone. I was so stupid to think i would get an happily ever after.

the ONLY reason i won’t kill myself is that it will make the most important person in my life too sad.

but once they die i can’t tell you what I’m going to do

I’m tired

of not being good enough

I’m tired of the way i look

I’m tired of the way i act

I’m tired of having waste my breath on people who don’t want even listen

Im tired of trying so hard to be good

trying so hard to be on the straight and narrow

and no matter what I’m always the fuck up

I’ve failed my mother in so many ways i don’t understand how she still loves me

i really thought arthur loved me, i really thought it was over for me in the dating game

i really thought i had found my soulmate

but he doesn’t want me either

all these girls in his phone, he face timed that girl

trynna link with that other one on tinder

all in the name of the “Threesome”

FUCK THAT

he just wants more, i am not enough. If it was really for the threesome you would have mentioned me

BUT YOU NEVER DO, except for twice and those both were a bust.

also the whole second wife shit

like WTF

i am never gonna have anything

Why did the lord make such a useless life.

just for me to never have anything

well i have my mother

and ruby’

i miss my chikitika

its not that i don’t love madam

but when arthurs done with me he can keep her

ill go back to being alone like i always am

i really wish i could end it all right now without causing my family pain

i haven’t forgotten about my “friends”

which the two most important ones arthur says their fake

but i miss them

i miss them so bad

i need to talk to them more

I know buddy has her mental problems but that doesn’t mean she’s faking

she’s going through a tough time and for the first time in a long ass time she didn’t have me to call and stay on the phone for hours

or with jade

we talked everyday

and now look at us

she doesn’t wan t to be my friend anymore

after All we’ve been through

after all we’ve talked about and experienced together

she’s pissed

cause i went MIA in the time she needed me the most

but this summer didn’t count ( to me at least)

its been a difficult summer and so far a difficult fall

this summer around my birthday, i just completely shut down

I’ve been going through shit too

but i don’t tell anyone

and I’m not going to try either

whats the point?

if i tell my mother, it’ll just make her sadder

i wasn’t there for jade, so why do i expect her to be there for me

and Buddy, i honestly can’t think of a good reason not to tell her. i know she’ll hear me and she’ll definitely understand

but what if she doesn’t

skyway was always me and jades plan

buddy and i were planning on doing a road trip of a life time filled with sights seeing and intense partying

and then we’d overdose together

and actually overdose his time

how much molly is too much?

i bet dying from an overdose of molly is a strangely intense feeling

but dying from an overdose of molly when on about at least 50 abs of acid. Maybe a whole sheet

sounds like id fry my brain

so if i miraculously survive i will be too braindead to even live and ill authorize buddy to pull the plug

cause when this happens i won’t have my mother around, She’ll already be in heaven

hopefully she’s forgotten all about me and she can rejoice in heaven with my grandma forever

i am already dead

my life: useless

the person i called my soulmate: i am not enough for him, i stress hiM out, i give him headaches. I don’t look good enough, i don’t do enough around the house, I’m lazy asf

HE WILL ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING WRONG BECAUSE I AM NOT WHAT HE WANTS

he’s still stuck on his ex’s

well they can have him cause I’m not going to keep anyone that doesn’t want to be kept

you know what this looks like? my suicide note

cause ima definitely leave a note. I can’t leave without saying my last words.

and fuck them if they listen to it or not thats on their soul

not mine

incase in the future when/if i do this and I’m too out of it to write letters, I’m going to leave this here. is not like arthur is going to read it. its too long for him too care this much and sit-down and read the whole thing. I’m sure in his mind it’ll be not worth the headache

so i will have some final statements that i think will forever ring true:

To whom it may concern,

im done. Its over. i really did my best to give it the good ole college try, but i can’t anymore. To whomever feels like they should blame yourself; please don’t, Because my mind has been made up, and nothing can change it except the lord himself. Don’t think “well maybe if i texted more/called more/ tried to be more in her life then maybe…. “ its all bullshit. you guys don’t need me in your life. you’ll find better companions, hopefully companions that will be good enough for you.

Jade: i will always love you because you are my best friend. All that time we spent together really helped me become who i was. You’re smart, crafty, beautiful and i know the world is going to want to destroy you in every way possible. be strong, stronger than i was. Cause you deserve the life you want/ With a husband that you’re completely in love with and he loves you back even more. And that he has a six figure job so he can spoil you with everything you desire, and that your kids may grow and prosper. You deserve your jerry, niklous is a dead dream cause you longer want me apart of your life. But thats ok, everyone says friends grow apart but you’ll always be my best friend. So even if I’m not in your life, you’ll always be in mine.

Buddy: my little sensitive sushi. we’ve been best friends forever. You’re one the purest souls. You’re honest, you always keep it real, (lol at least to me) I could never lie to you. And i really haven’t. You just want you to be free, to be happy. Fuck the money, fuc all this other shit. You jus want genuine happiness and love, and i really hope you find it. And i really hope you tell her kids about their tia krystal and that she would have loved them so much, she would have damn been their second mother. buddy i love you and you’re too amazing for this world. Yes, i know you have mental problems but that doesn’t make you any less of a person and it for sure do not mean you’re broken. It doesn’t even make you a bad person. if you haven’t been able to get the pills you need/ or if you don’t want to take them. it’ll all be ok cause those who really love you understand and will see past your brain malfunctioning sometimes. You deserve everything you want in life, and i hope you get it. You have my word and scouts honor that my spirit will try EVERYTHING in its power to come contact you. So don’t be scared if you feel a presence just confirm its me. and if i survive this attempt, bring my aunt the pastor to pray over me. Because i give you the power to tell the doctors to pull the cord, so after my aunts done, please make the right decision.

Payton: I fucking love you, and appreciate you so much. I wish could’ve spoiled you with everything because without you i would no have made it through tay or driving up to providence. You’ve been though so much already, i really don’t want you to be sad over this. Please live your best life to its full extent because the world needs you. You’re the ultimate mom friend, and if you ever have kids (or adopt some) I know you’ll be the biggest blessing in their life and the best soccer mom EVER.

Natalie & Isai: Im sorry to join you into one, but you both have been there for me through childish shit. But in the end both of you remained my real friends. natalie made my elementary school days fun and isai made middle school not horrible. I remember our little big squad. I remember angel, marco, that partially sociopathic girl, brittany, stephanie, lester and all the dumb shit we did. I remember feeling guilty for giving that poor teacher a heart attack. I’m getting off topic, that was always my problem, i could never focus on my tasks at hand. but i do love you both, and hope you both can handle everything life is going to through at you.

A.: I loved you. i loved you so completely that i lost myself in you. I didn’t do anything without you and i didn’t want to. but no matter how much i loved you, you didn’t see it. You didn’t recognize that I was putting my whole heart into what we had. I was trying so hard and its like it didn’t even matter,

I think that we fell in love because we were both hurt and needed someone . No matter how much you said you did, but you didn’t love me like i loved you. You were always more than enough for me, it even felt like i didn’t deserve you. but don’t blame yourself for my decision. It was a long time coming. Arthur, i hope you find someone that will be enough for you. The woman of your dreams, that you can actually see the love she gives you. She’s prolly african, she’ll cook all your favorite shit. Your family will love her and your kids will carry down the strong blood of your family. Thank you for trying to help me even though i’m clearly not your soulmate. But don’t blame yourself for this decision, take the best care of madam. Thats all i ask. Don’t give her away or sell her. And i wish dogs could read or understand because she’ll never get why she’ll never see me again. But thank you for the love you showed and just know that i won’t love anyone else like i loved you.

and everybody please:

Don’t miss me when I’m gone because I’ve simply just moved on. my decaying diseased flesh suit was only holding my spirit back. my soul has moved on to its next step and you should too.

Signed

Krystal Liana Fortuna Febles Guevara Santos (& almost Baygboe)