#like I was annoyed yesterday and went ahead and bought one for myself since idk I'm bad with money and I do that when people annoy me

[aro-tarot]

Well, I'm going to play a game I like for maybe ten minutes before I do some writing. I've been sitting here for forty minutes with my music on and the doc open, but I've either been interrupted or waiting to be interrupted because I asked a question and still haven't gotten a response.

So I just need a moment of cute stuff to get me back in a normal mood to be able to write cute stuff.

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #5 (and some general bits of feels)

Last week I got the flu and was a total zombie so I had to cancel the therapy appointment. I’m about 80% better now, just the typical cold type symptoms to get rid of cough cough snot snot wheeze wretch eye water ugh. I phoned about 30 mins before the app time ‘cause I was really intending to go but that day was the peak of my ills (and I accidentally slept in after waking up the first time thinking my app was 1 hour later than the actual time and had a small panic too  lol). I was overthinking about what I would say to them on the phone but they didn’t ask anything other than if I’d be in for the next appointment after I told them I didn’t feel well enough to go in for this one.

When I went to this week’s app, the therapist was waiting for me at the reception desk (I was about 5 mins late, but I’ve been late to things so often in my life it kinda just felt like eh lol). She was kind and asked if I was feeling better and stuff like that and said she was thankful that I phoned in and that it didn’t matter it was last minute. (If you miss an app without phoning in you could lose all your future apps .__.)

We went over some stuff about self esteem and again about thinking ahead/assuming the worst. She asked me if I’d filled out the sheets from the last appointment and I was like ‘huh?’ because I wasn’t given any and had like a mini internal panic then too. Maybe she got me mixed up with someone else, either way it felt kind of unnerving and reminded me of the times I didn’t manage to complete some of the homework at school and got in trouble. Feels bad man ;;

So she got the sheets out, some of those scoring sheets about self esteem and I did them there. I kinda feel like whenever I do those types of multiple choice/grading things I’m never sure of what to pick. I definitely have very very low self esteem and on the scores it showed for most but was on the line for some, but I feel like I kind of lied maybe? Or like I just threw down the choice with too much uncertainty.

I sort of teeter in between the two sides of the choices in everything like this and even get worried that what I’ll pick is wrong or will sound bad. It feels so awfuls, sometimes I feel I don’t know myself very well at all... Or is it my chronic indecisiveness or worry of judgement taking over? It’s probably a big ol’ mix of everything >< I have a scoring sheet for depression and anxiety (doesn’t actually say it on it, but I recognise the questions) which I do every week and give to her in but I just get so unsure and quickly wing it just to get it out of the way. I wonder how it charts up, if there is actually any improvement or if it’s just all random... Ah, oh dear ^^” I’m being much too negative..! These things are only super general indicators and I needn’t worry about them too much!

Um, anyways after that we went over the diagram from last time again with the vicious cycle of negative thoughts and behaviours and added some more examples to it and discussed it some more. I am writing this the day after the app and my mind is already blanking ahhh my mind blanks all the time during the actual app too, it’s like I’m half awake xAx Maybe I need a break... (not that I haven’t procrastinated and looked at random other things already at least 5 times since beginning this post lol)

Okay, after ogling my phone, eating and spilling water on myself when trying to drink it and then ogling my phone some more, I think I’m ready to resume writing my extremely slow and bleh account ^v^ 

So, one of the examples we used was me going to a shop I was intending to go but avoiding, I did it and my expectations (which were initially negative) turned out to be disproven by my actual experience. So she asked me what I expected and to give a percentage of how much I believed in it and I said it’d be awkward and said I assumed this 80%. Then she asked me how it actually was and there was all this nice stuff I learned from going, it was a generally pleasant experience and and my score for awkwardness was rethought to 10%. It’s actually a really neat way of showing yourself how overthinking is so ridiculous and irrational. She said to try and do this for other things I find difficult and to try and then prove my thoughts wrong, I’ll... I’ll try!

She also went over this sheet of unhelpful/negative habits and it has some short descriptions all the different types and I actually have to write examples relating to the ones which I have/often fall into as homework eep! Some of the bad habits listed are predicting the future, mind reading, comparing yourself, catastrophising etc. 

She asked me what I thought she was thinking about me then (or well earlier on) and I said that she was thinking I was silly, but she said nope and she was actually thinking of how proud she was that I did the shop thing I was avoiding..! :D Also when she asked what is the unhelpful behaviour I do and I said avoiding things, she said thanks for being so open and truthful ^^ It feels nice to be praised and to know that my mind is just an asshole a lot of the time lol!

I‘m pretty anxious about writing things down as I always am but also she said not everyone has all these habits, but the more you have the harder it is for you to move forward. Looking at them I feel like I have them all aughhhh... but I guess it explains why I am having such a hard time with everything, it’s good to be able to understand more about my thinking.

Sorry, I’m not really elaborating or writing anything particularly useful. Ahhh what am I saying sorry for >< I keep worrying about my post sucking, but what does it matter if it does or not, I am doing this for me, it’s okay to be selfish... that was one of the things on one of those scoring tests there were a few selflessness statements and ahhhh I die x3x

I also gotta try and do the phone call order practice thing which I’m still avoiding the hell out of cryyyy... it sounds easy but it’s just so hard to get past my silly fears and just do it. Ahhhh c’mon, I can do it... ahhhh... it’s tough... I’ll get there, I hope, and then it’ll be smooth-ish sailing ;v;

Besides being sick and going to that app, in the past week, or well actually yesterday I went to my sis’ house again and made a really basic chocolate cake (was actually meant to be brownies, but oh welp lol). I did it yay! The results weren’t perfect but it is good enough and I guess I learned more about what I can do better (not substitute ingredients maybe lol). I feel a bit more confident using the oven and just combining the ingredients and cracking eggs which is nice! x3 Practice makes perf- slightly better to much better results hah! :3

I was kinda sad cause my parents aren’t really interested in my stuff that much? :< Like the other day I wrote a super nice picture message note thing directed to my parents (I do things like this all the time though and I put in a lot of effort and love) and my dad didn’t even say anything about it, just said he was too busy to look/doesn’t have time for nonsense kind of thing and it just... it really hurt and brought my spirits down so much... ;; My mum chuckled at it at least, I wrote a reference to something funny on it after all, but I wonder if it’s because of the reference that my dad doesn’t seem to like it? But that’s only one tiny part of the picture, it doesn’t make sense... ><

They haven’t tried my cake yet either or shown any interest in doing so, I mean they’re not obligated to and they probably will sometime later, but idk it’s just like... a disappointing and deflated sort of feeling like when a kid makes something and strives for attention or some sort of praise and gets none or hardly any acknowledgement at all... except I’m not a kid... or well, I’m an overgrown kid .__. Am I being too unreasonable or greedy? I want to make them proud at least a little or have even the tiniest bit of encouragement... I just want to be loved... :’C <//3

Um, welp I guess I just have to be more serious and do the grown up things they probably want me to do. Yeah, I’m not a kid anymore... I know I’m really childish, but I can’t help it, it’s just who I am... is it wrong? Should it be another thing to add to the list of why I’m so ashamed of myself..? No, stop, I’m being to harsh on myself.

Aw man, um... well I didn’t mean to fill this post with angst but uh... I guess better out than in. My feelings... they’re so... annoying... but valid and they matter and I matter. I can always learn love myself and I have my sister too. My parents do love me, it’s just not as conventionally expressed I guess. I gotta be grateful for what and who I do have, no comparing them to others either ^^

Lately (like I’ve said in the many many previous posts) I’ve been wanting to post my random art stuff or to try and make more serious attempts at making art or practicing it but I just... it’s hard. I feel like I’m so very close to being able to take that step forward but then I’m hesitating again, overthinking, trying to plan things, doing all of the negative and unhelpful habits and ending up too scared to do anything at all. 

It’s a pretty big hurdle, all the things Im facing are, and I can see over it but I’m scared to take the jump, it’s so intimidating but I have to just let myself know that even if I trip, even if I fall, it’s okay and at least I tried and get up to try again! I can do it! I keep losing my focus, but I’ll keep trying to get it back until I do it!

Oh! OH! My dad called me from downstairs, said he tried my cake, described its kind of flaws which I already knew and told of but said it was better than this other cake he bought before, that it was just better than my other attempts (Um.. I haven’t baked a cake before though lol) Anyways he said it all with a happy tone and I was reading into things too negatively before, man I was being so impatient and oh my overthinking mind when will you just slow down and take the time to enjoy the breeze and smell the flowers.

It feels like.. like idk... like I just got a mood and motivation to try harder next time boost. I’ll try harder next time and I’ll wow him and if not next time then the time after or after that, but each time I’ll improve some even if I fail some. This must be how people feel in competitions or in movies or in, well just life. How interesting! That phrase about life being boring or meaningless without challenge, I guess makes more sense now c:

I’m glad I wrote my post even though it took me hours and I stressed some and took so many breaks but I was able to pull around and add some positivity back into my gloomy mood and re-encourage myself in general which is awesome! I gotta toughen up and get around all these negative obstacles, I gotta pace myself more consistently but not get ahead of myself. Slow and steady wins the race! Yeah I’ll just throw out more proverbs and sayings even if I remembered them wrong or used them wrongly but whatever yolo! xD

I’m stronger than I think, I can do things, I can do them right now! I will do them or at least begin to do them right now! I won’t overthink or if I do I will unravel my worries with rationality! If I don’t do any of the things I just said then whatever and there’s no need to worry about it! Hell yeah!! >:D

Okay, imma do some productive stuff now :3 Like my counsellor said, there’s no point focusing all my energy on worrying and wearing myself out when it’s much better to put all my energy towards actually doing things and making myself happy.

If I don’t manage to do everything I hope to today, it doesn’t matter, I can resume it later another day. If I do something wrong, I’ll learn from it, I can now do even better and there’s no need to beat myself up about it. There isn’t always a right and a wrong, just go with the flow, there’s no rules and no obligations! My forgotten mini mantra yay! *power up!*

I really need to put my little self motivations somewhere I can see them more frequently. Oh yeah! In illustrations which I wanted to do... I kind of forgot about all that, but I’ve remembered! Hnnrgh no overthinking, no comparing, do it for myself, believe in myself! I’ll get round to it soon hopefully! c:

Keep fighting, keep going! Have a great evening! ^0^

[flameaurasphere]

090318 & 100318

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was... amazing. Picked up the Japanese students at school from their company visit to Daikin earlier in the morning. We marched (not literally) to FOX Networks Group (located at Fusionopolis) for another company visit. Before that, we made a short stopover at a bakery, but I went over to the mama shop and bought a curry puff. A handful of the staff gave us a tour around the premises --  a couple of studios, transmission room, and what not. Afterwards was a presentation about how FOX Sports’ advertisements and programme strategies are utilised to reach the market. It’s an eye-opening experience to know the BTS of a broadcast sports TV network, and we had fun fooling around in front of cameras and screens. We had refreshments and I watched my friends play table tennis at the pantry (yes, there’s a fking table tennis table in the office). I received a FOX Sports goodie bag as a souvenir -- a blue drawstring bag with FOX notebook and pen, FOX Sports pen, FOX Sports pin, and USB portable fan. I also seized a couple of FOX+ candies and FOX bottled water because I know they’re gonna come in handy HAHA.

We brought them to Haw Par Villa. The last (and first) time I’ve been there was 2 years ago. It’s a place filled with hundreds of vibrant (& absurd) statues depicting various Chinese legends to teach people about (Buddhist) morals and values. I believe the showcase of the 10 Courts Of Hell (a cave-like place consisting of statues of people being tortured in Hell for committing crimes) is intended to scare people into doing the right deeds. I hope they enjoyed themselves under the scorching hot weather HAHA.

Next stop was Sentosa. We stopped over at a supermarket in VivoCity, whereby I experienced episodes of “loss of awareness”. I’ve had this problem since Primary 6, whereby I could not shake off this weird sensation of feeling unsteady & shrunk consciousness. Idk what exactly this “condition” is called, but it’s annoying and it occurs in crowded places or large, open areas. My method of coping is to just try not to think about it, and I progressively felt better.

THERE WERE WE BARE BEARS INFLATABLES EVERYWHERE IN SENTOSA BEACH. 😍 We took the monorail to Palawan beach and crossed the bridge to the “Southernmost point”. Chilled and took pics, but was chased out due to a private event being held in the evening. We stayed on the sand and watched the sun set across the horizon; the sky splashed with bold orange and pink. Truly a magnificent sight -- coming from someone who’s been to Sentosa numerous times. We waved bye to the sun. “See you tomorrow!” 🤣🤣

We bought takeaway food and ate in Vivo rooftop. We formed a circle and played “Never Have I Ever/I Have Ever”. The first few people to lose their 5 lives have to do a forfeit (which in most cases is an embarrassing Dare). Lol it was fking stupid to throw our faces away, but at least we had a good laugh and that’s all that matters really -- to make our Japanese visitors smile.

Otw back to their dorms, I found out that Atsuya used to play Vainglory, so I showed him my Vainglory account and he noted that his favourite characters include Blackfeather, Gwen & Taka. He watched me play a Blitz match and it was horrible because of the poor connection in the underground train. 🙃 Once we dropped them off & were about to walk out of the gates, they waved “bye” at us from the corridor of their apartments. 😂😂 Ah istg these bunch of Japanese students are the cutest. I’m gonna miss them oh so much.

I didn’t sleep until 4AM; I believe it’s the ‘can’t sleep love’. Finally created a LINE account so I could stay connected with the Japanese students. Sigh, I genuinely treasure the hilarious moments we shared; how I wish I could be permanent friends with them despite our language barrier. I feel like I’m very in tune with my love-related emotions today -- makes me wonder if I’m emotionally attracted to anyone from yesterday. Some of them have been updating their social media, so I have an inkling of what they’re up to. I’m worried for Kaito; that quiet boy actually went ahead with his crazy plan to visit Malaysia by himself. 😵

I went to the temple in Bugis and prayed for myself, my family, and my Japanese friends. Manae was in Bugis too (and later on, Atsuya & Toshi were there as well), but we didn’t cross paths. Had curry rice for dinner. Oishii. 🍛

I felt the “dizzy” spells again, so I didn’t want to stay for long. As I was walking towards the MRT station to go home, I saw what seemed to be a lesbian couple. Being the internalised homophobic I am, I lowkey judged them for shamelessly holding hands in public. To my utter amusement, one of the girls was my choir mate. 😲

“Hey, Celine.” “OH HEY” *brofist* “Who’s that, your gf?” “Yeah, she’s my gf,” *turns to look back* “Oh wait, where did she go? Byee.” “Byee.” “I like your long hair!” “Thanks!”

(btw it’s a joke; they’re just friends)

I love it when people compliment my hair; sometimes I felt that growing it out was a bit of a mistake because the helmet bob was my trademark. When I alighted the train to switch lines, I saw my classmate and we both gasped at each other in surprise HAHAHA. We chatted about what are/were our plans for the semester break until she had to alight at her destination. Always lovely to commute with a friend to make a long trip less dreadful. 🤗

~Flameaura