#like I put so much flippin work into Philosophy Tube

[theabigailthorn]

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[believerindaydreams]

though I would like to write a story called “dreaming of oranges”

Upon quiet, thoughtful reflection, a whole “AU rewrite with Sheridan and Sinclair switched around” would require a rewatch of everything up to “Into the Fire” and at least twenty thousand words to do properly. And a lot more guff about Minbar than I can probably handle convincingly. And writing Sinclair, who strikes me as being one of those sneaky bastards who are great on the small screen but hell to write dialogue for. 

(cut for spoilers. Lots of spoilers)

Counterpoints: the fascination of dealing with this Minbari paradox, with the Grey Council struggling to grasp how their greatest icon could possibly also be Starkiller. How long it takes them to tell Sheridan why they asked him to be ambassador; around the end of Season Two or so, I think. In this version, Sheridan thinks he’s been posted to Minbar because new Clark wants him off-stage for some reason. In this version, he’s right; Clark’s heard just enough rumblings about a White Star fleet in the making to want a war hero on the spot to keep an eye on developments (Clark can always blame any unfortunate developments on Minbari War Syndrome, if necessary). Sheridan would, I think, have some genuine Earthforce concerns about helping Minbar build an entire flippin’ warfleet of White Stars, and want some very solid evidence about this whole Shadow War...so enter the Rangers, and Sheridan spends a year thinking they just wanted him to be Entil'zha. 

Probably some reluctant mutual admiration with Neroon, and Sheridan finding he gets on better with the warrior caste, ironically enough; there’s some common ground there and they agree that the religious caste’s five hour dinners are ridiculous. And Marcus shows up! With a lot of terrible jokes resulting, no doubt. 

Back on the station, everybody’s getting used to Sheridan’s replacement, the restrained and thoughtful Sinclair (and his on-and-off girlfriend Catherine). Garibaldi’s glad to have his old friend back; Susan takes somewhat longer warming up to him. Londo and G’Kar run into each other at the post office, one carrying a bag of oranges and the other parcelling up a set of Narn heating stones, and find themselves actually agreeing on something- namely, that landing up stuck on Minbar must be one of the worst possible fates for any hot-blooded sentient in the entire known galaxy. 

(Cut to: Lennier, holding a letter and pointedly not looking annoyed.)

So Sheridan starts deciphering the Shadow War, based partly on data gathered by the Rangers. Though some he’d be getting straight from Babylon 5, because Ivanova bullied the Epsilon III crew into providing them a reliable and secure communication system (you know she would). Gotta keep Sheridan in touch with the main crew somehow, especially if he’s going to fall in love with Delenn long distance...

who is aware that falling in love with Valen is an exceptionally terrible idea, but finds herself doing it anyway. Not that she intends to mention this to him; she’s already keeping far too many secrets from him, so what’s one more...until the end of Season Two (or thereabouts, anyway). When Sheridan calls her to say, well, this year on Minbar’s been fun, but now he’s going to pull every string he has in Earthforce to get back the Babylon 5 posting. Or anything that’s not planet-side, really...

so now she has to explain to him that he’s Valen, and destined to stay on Minbar. Sheridan’s reaction would be amazing to write- contradictory, frustrated energy, partly fascinated by the odd culture that he’s spent a year aiding, and partly completely exasperated by that culture and wanting out already. Anger with the very notion of being forced to do anything because of fate, and a very worried realisation that if he was to accept the truth of this duty, it’s not in him to say no. Not when the fate of billions might depend on it. 

But then, he argues with Delenn, if he’s going to be Valen then his destiny is to fight Shadows, and it might just be that he needs this experience to help save Minbar’s past. They settle on a temporary compromise; Sheridan’s given the first White Star to captain for as long as the war continues, on a top-secret basis. No longer. 

(Sheridan sleeps very hard, his first night back in space; and she spends it watching him.)

As for what’s been happening back on the station....Nightwatch is starting to make things nasty, Sinclair’s girlfriend has vanished under mysterious circumstances, and he’s starting to question why everybody leaves him out of the loop on things. Garibaldi notes that after all the hard work Sheridan went through on Babylon 5, a lot of people are gonna be cool on any replacement- and also that anybody taking lessons from Vorlons is going to sound a little touched after a while. 

As a way of asserting his authority, and also because he shares Delenn’s philosophy that all lives are precious, Sinclair forbids Lyta Alexander to search for a possible spy who can only be uncovered via murder. Talia gets to live; Lyta makes a break for it to Vorlon space. Susan decides that her instinct to keep some of the particulars of the anti-Clark, pro-Hague campaign away from Sinclair were probably wise, if he’s going to be such an idealistic with weird delusions of godhood and mutterings about Z’ha’dum- concerns that Garibaldi makes light of. Even after Sinclair falls out of a tube and gets saved by an angel in front of half the station. 

Season Three, Sheridan’s on the White Star and Sinclair’s on Babylon 5, with Delenn splitting her time between both (Lennier is concerned that Delenn is plunging through Minbar relationship rituals with accuracy but unseemly speed.) Sheridan offers Vir a few tips about life on Minbar. Sinclair concentrates on maintaining Babylon 5��s diplomatic status, trying to walk the line between keeping the station’s ideals and keeping in with Clark’s administration. All’s going well until some idiot blows up a ship at Ganymede, whereupon martial law is declared and everything goes haywire. Sinclair reluctantly declares that Babylon will secede, but emphasizes the unarmed, neutral nature of the station (he previously forbade the GROPOS crew from using the place as a base for combat operations, which is helpful in terms of propaganda and unhelpful in that the station still doesn’t have a decent defence grid).

“Is he seriously expecting God to reach out of the heavens to save us?“ Susan asks Garibaldi, in complete exasperation. 

“...when a guy like Jeff asks, it might just happen.“

Severed Dreams happens, with everything much the same as before except that Sheridan comes riding in with Delenn to save the day. ISN declares Sheridan a Minbari-tainted traitor, and the White Star attracts a good deal of fascination. Nobody cares about Sinclair, still. Franklin asks if they arranged it this way on purpose, with one dramatic hooligan drawing attention away from that station’s real work. Sinclair smiles and says nothing.

Some time later, Garibaldi spends an annoying day stuck in Grey Sector, and shoots a monster with some old-fashioned bullets. Nothing else happens that days. 

The campaign to fight the Shadows is progressing, slowly but surely, and the scope of Sinclair’s behind-the-scenes work is becoming slowly evident; he’s been quietly soothing small conflicts from breaking into worse conflicts, garnering favour with alien governments, and there’s a sturdy compact of ships to join up with the White Star fleet. All seems well, until Catherine comes back to Babylon 5 for the first time in months- and asks Sinclair to come with her to Z’ha’dum. 

Kosh says that this is not the time. Sinclair ignores the Vorlon and asks Sheridan for a White Star; Sheridan reluctantly agrees. 

Time passes. Sinclair doesn’t come back. But Shadow ships start coming out, attacking everywhere- many, many Shadow ships, far more than anyone had expected, or even thought possible. Despite a huge smoldering crater in their planet.) 

The Babylon 5 crew take council in the War Room, how to proceed next; and Sheridan gives a rousing speech to the Non-Aligned Worlds about honouring Sinclair’s memory, by putting up the best resistance they can. The appeal to martyrdom works; the anti-Shadow alliance vows that they will fight on whatever the cost. 

“You have forgotten something,” Kosh says to Sheridan. 

And Sheridan looks at the Vorlon, out at the planet below, and knows he can’t delay any longer, that the full fury of the Shadow forces must be lessened a thousand years earlier. Epsilon III is waiting for him. 

Delenn goes with him. So does Ivanova, who won’t let her old captain go without one last mission, so does Marcus, following the One. They ride the station backwards in time; Sheridan’s previous encounter with the rift causes him to age- but very strangely. Zathras clucks and tells him that he’ll probably only have twenty years more to live, though you wouldn’t know it by looking at him. 

Station prepared, there’s nothing left to be done but take leave of each other. Marcus offers to go back instead, and Sheridan sharply tells him not to play tempter; Susan salutes her old captain, and thanks him for giving them all a chance. Delenn stands before him, waiting, and can only say she has no ritual for this. 

All Sheridan can say, through his own tears, is that if his sacrifice shapes a world that’ll nurture her one day, it’ll be worth it- 

and Sinclair walks through the door, serene as none of them have ever seen him before. 

“When did you get here?“ Susan asks. 

“Before,” Sinclair says, in obliquely Vorlon fashion; and provides little more explanation when he’s pressed. Franklin was right, he explains; Catherine was a Shadow of her former self, quite literally, the Army of Light needs its martyr more than a figurehead, the universe needs him no longer- not here, that is. But it could use him elsewhere. A thousand years in the past...

“But who are you, to think yourself Valen?“ Delenn asks him, uncertain, unwilling to take hope too easily. 

“One who came back from Z’ha’dum alive.” Sinclair takes the triluminary, and it glows blue at his touch...

(Back on Babyon 5, Sheridan and Delenn talk the matter to pieces. How the triluminary must have reacted to shared ancestors in either direction, human or Minbari. Whether it requires Vorlon-inspired madness, to carry through the attempt at godhood. If she would have risked paradox, to follow him back; if he would have shirked duty, to stay.)

But that’s all for the future. 

For now?

Nothing more or less than a miracle. 

[ruchalus]

(Long Read w/ Pictures) My Experiences, Men, women, and self control.

Bored and want an inside look into some stranger’s personal life experiences? Well I got just the post for you! I will be sharing my experiences with growing up and learning about men and self control! But for the most part it’s my life story and by life story I mean Junior Year of high school and up. 2011-2017

Now, let’s get started. The year is 2011, it’s Spring and my high school.We’re on a class fieldtrip going through the various colleges in Arizona. I’m desperately in love with a girl named Grace (the thought of her makes my heart skip a beat to this day). However, another guy named Donovan (resident playboy [well, that was kinda mean but it’s part true and I’m part salty]) is making the moves on her. I notice this on the bus and am heartbroken inside as i was planning to take this time to try talking to her finally.

The nerd in the white striped shirt is me, I stopped wearing striped polos. I wear solid polos now and I have glorious long hair now

Le Me

Unfortunately I had (and still have) low self esteem and later waited until I was alone in a cabin and cry for about an hour (and I’m pretty sure other people heard). I then stared at the ceiling and ate hot cheetos for an hour in dark solitude, making some of the other students uncomfortable. This day still haunts me.

Le Grace to the right.

This song makes me thing of her (I was playing a LOT of Fallout New Vegas of the time). Even seeing her or thinking about her to this day gets my heart racing and making it skip a beat. She said hi to me once on college campus while I was eating and I nearly choked on my chicken salad croissant sandwich due to my heart skipping a beat.

Later that year, I got my first girlfriend (wasn’t Grace). Her name was Kristin, I met her in an online MMORPG called Allods Online. I wasn’t looking for the relationship, if anything, she was the assertive one. It just started out as me constantly defending her from enemies while she was leveling up. She fell in love with me, I was hesitant at first because I was afraid if we broke up, we wouldn’t be able to at least be friends. I pretty much said screw it and went along with it.

Le Kristin

We were together for about 10 months before we broke up. I had a lot of trust issues due to my previous insecurities (that and she sent bikini pics to a guy she only knew for 2 weeks at the time and I had never received such photos after we were together for months. Sex was one of the last things on my mind with her but ever since that particular incident, my trust wavered with her).

Don’t get me wrong, she was one of the most kindest and most patient people I’ve ever met, I’m surprised she put up with me as long as she did.

Argument after argument ensued, I was a paranoid asshole with low self esteem, we broke up, I slipped into a deep depression and for various reasons I can never return to Allods Online ever again. I then slipped into a deep depression that lasted for about 3 years (if you want to know the date it started, look up Mr. Weebl’s Shrimp Glockenspiel. I can NEVER watch that video again without feeling like absolute shit).

Months passed and I barely ate. I was 5’8” weighing in at 112 lbs. I was getting dangerously underweight due to my depression. I was on the verge of being put on a feeding tube but my doctor put me on these Nestle Boost Shakes. I had to drink those for half a year to regain some weight.

Le Nestle Boost Drinks

I decided to watch more anime in an attempt to distract my mind. I found funny clips online then I found out one of these anime clips comes from a video game. I thought it was funny and so I downloaded it. I would then learn what a Visual Novel was. The VN was Maji de Watashi ni Koi Shinasai (or Majikoi for short).

It was exactly something I needed as it was just a nice setting where you have friends going to high school, doing various shenanigans and having a lot of nice conversations. This is something I never had in high school and was always something I wish I had. I hit the deep end when I fell in love with one of the characters, Shiina Miyako, though I eventually snapped out of it. Anyway, it turns out this was also porn, how that got by me I’ll never know but I was desperate for any distraction at the time.

Le Miyako

To be honest, the porn part of it kinda ruined it for me because it sorta devalued the previous experiences that were family friendly for the most part. Anyway, I have a few collectibles that have Miyako on it because of sentimental reasons. It reminds me of the peace I found after months and months of feeling nothing but sorrow, anguish and anger with myself. And it turns out characters will sing Happy Birthday you at random and the first character to sing for me was Miyako >///.///< I was all HNNNNG THE SWEETNESS! IT’S TOO MUCH!!!

Anyway, that character pretty much set the standard for what I look for in women today. She’s quiet, gentle, kind, cares deeply about her friends, assertive, she’d (figuratively) tear apart anyone who’d hurt those close to her, archer, excessive love for spicy food, cute short hair, and extremely pretty. Anyway, I woke up to reality once more when college came.

I had to take things slowly because I was still in a depression at the time so I took a golf class and a Japanese class. Years passed and I went through class after class. I always had this hope that maybe there’d be a cute girl who likes me (which happened on several occasions) however I’m oblivious as fuck. I have long hair because I’m native american, it’s kinda our thing, and one girl straight up told me that she “likes guys with long hair”. I was all like “...ok?” and by the time I realized she liked me, another guy beat me to her.

If you’ve seen Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun, I basically act 100% like Nozaki. A friend of mine pointed this out to me and had me watch the series. I love since I can relate to Nozaki entirely. Straight face, monotone voice, completely oblivious to someone liking him.

Anyway, time ensues and I start caring less and less about this. Over time, I took my previous experiences as lessons on to not let me emotions control me and rather, rely on thought and logic. I now just watch people and study how they behave. Many of these typical day to day social interactions people take for granted which I have trouble understanding on account of my Asperger’s Syndrome.

Over those years of studying people, I often saw how little control men have over themselves and that they let their hormones do the walking. This is also something I noticed in high school as well with that Donovan guy. They often are very pushy from my observations and don’t like taking no for an answer, and when they are turned down they get all pissy.

Le Fratboys

Same with the neckbeards, you know, the fedora wearing “m’lady” kinds who are like “Nice guys finish last”, “No girl wants a nice guy”, “She’s a whore for not liking me, a nice guy!”. I’m thinking “Dude, if you’re really a nice guy then you’ll respect her decisions and choices. She doesn’t owe you anything”.

Le Neckbeard

I’ve made friends in irl and online, some of which I think are cute/pretty. However, I don’t get all “Will you date me? Will you go out with me? Etc etc” because I don’t want a repeat of what happened last time with Kristin. It was odd being attracted to some of these friends however I don’t force myself upon them like I’ve seen other guys do to women. I just feel you should go with the flow and let things occur naturally. Not that anything does which I believe is because some may not see me as assertive enough.

Sometimes, I may think someone is really cute or pretty but this doesn’t mean I’m attracted to them. I cannot do that. In order for me to develop an attraction to someone that requires me to take time to get to know them. And I don’t mean small talk or hanging out with them, but I mean getting to know them as in learn how they treat other people, how they deal with stressful situations, learn small quirks about them. I rarely develop crushes, let alone fall in love, it usually takes someone to be extremely special in my eyes to do that.

Sure if someone likes me, I’ll get a rush of hormones but I have to remind myself that these are just hormones and not actual attraction. I had to train myself mentally for years to conquer this and I feel it was worth the effort. Though truth be told, I’m also very wary of entering another relationship because I don’t want a repeat of my last breakup.

Regardless, it’s been 5 years since then and I feel I should start trying. I saw this cute girl on match.com so I sent a like and hopefully she can crack the code on my profile. I hid my contact info by covering certain letters with parentheses to work around having to pay match.com’s “Pay to message” feature. NO ONE has figured this out and after I sent a like to this girl, I added a (*cough cough* parentheses *cough*) in my profile so hopefully she get’s the message.

If you want an example of what the code is like, look at this and try to figure it out. “I like to (pe)t cats a(n)d (I) like (s)tar wars”. It’s not that hard imo. Anyway, if she does respond, get my contact info and wants to see me, I won’t expect anything. I’ve come to develop the philosophy of “the higher the hopes, the longer and harder the fall”. So, I don’t get my hopes up for just about anything, I just consider the various possibilities and outcomes and what happens happens.

Overall I’m not good with women, but I’ll never force myself upon them and I know how to take “No thanks” for an answer. Why am I sharing all this? I have no flippin clue. I’m bored and want to write something, you’re bored (which is why you’re on tumblr) and you probably want to read someone else’s story to possibly bring some validation to your own beliefs or experiences.

Tl:dr this can be summed up by a Robin Williams quote. “God gave men the gift of two heads, but only enough blood to use one at a time”. Use the one on your shoulders, take no for an answer and realize people don’t owe you a date, relationship, or a one night stand if you’re nice to them. Respect their choices.