#like I must say the way they've laid out the story is so intriguing

[lollitree]

Caught a new shiny birb in pokemon today after what was a very unlucky run with trains!! (irl)

[heartburstings]

like and the thing was she was up front about her feelings for him too!!! from the very beginning! in one kiss, she's drunk- and honest about jason. (like peter, also drunk, but towards matt- but also about jason.)

and jason knows this relationship is wrong- for legitimate reason! it Could Ruin A Friendship TM. also, whatever illegal thing ivy wished for on her bday. (as opposed to his relationship with peter, where the only wrongness is Internalized Homophobia TM.)

it's not exactly a realization for jason, in touch my soul, that ivy wants him, loves him, wants to See him. it's all laid out already in one kiss. ("but then, you must have known... or perhaps, you haven't noticed how i stare--") and she pays attention to how he sees her, asks questions of him to find out how he sees her. ("--are you scared?" / "why should i be frightened?" / "i don't know. but still, i can see it in your Eyes." and, "you're wasted, and this is wrong." / "but why?" / "it could wreck a friendship." / "i don't know. i think you're intrigued." / "and why is that?" / "i See what you're Staring at.")

but at the same time, it is a realization. because in one kiss- it was Just A Kiss TM. one kiss. but then comes one- which starts off with a conversation, with ivy's earnest questions and jason's not-lies-but-not-truths-either-answers. and then ivy apologizes for the way she acted in one kiss, the way she was so eager to be honest with him. then jason says it was cute, and there's the resolve again- and they both double down on that kiss. (ik nothing about how music works but the drums(?) come in after that line jason says; i always interpreted it this kind of like, pause, where ivy's like, oh Shit. i could really- and then goes for it.)

"but i meant all those things i told you. my feelings for you are real, and i- just know i wouldn't lie."

"but why?" (echoing ivy's "but why?" which AUUGHAGH)

like- that's the first line in the song (barring the spoken conversation). it's what she opens with. ivy Knows who/what she wants, but who she is is a different story. ("i don't know what it is i'm doing here, when nothing's clear.") meanwhile, jason Also knows who/what he wants, but can't be honest about it like ivy is. who he is, too, is also another story.

ivy and jason are similar in that they are shaped by, and let themselves be shaped by, other people- but specifically in a way where they are their Ideal Selves TM as others wish to perceive them. jason is a role of a lifetime, and ivy is a portrait of a girl. jason has reprieve, though, in that peter sees through his role to see jason himself. ivy doesn't; but she thinks she can get something like that in jason.

a sidenote: some more lines from one.

ivy's bad at lying. or, at least, bad with keeping things to herself. ("i want you, you see it in my eyes. i've tried, but it's hard to hide.")

jason, though. well, here's something. ("hide with me.")

and directly after that, ivy says, "jason, you, it's such a game of hide and seek."

and jason responds, "lie with me. lie with me."

jason's role of a lifetime has its only "flaw" in his gayness, which he keeps hidden because it could Ruin Everything TM. ivy, meanwhile, is notoriously known as the school slut. and i'm not trying to weigh their struggles here, but even open slutshaming isn't enough to get people to see anything but her portrait. gayness is part of who jason is, you cannot truly see jason without seeing his gayness. it is not the same for ivy and her many attempts at trying to find someone who will see her, but is let down at each and every turn because Boys Will Be Boys, to the point where she's Grown Accustom TM to it.

this is all just a game. ivy is seeking, and jason is hiding. they are both doing what they've been doing all along, for so long it feels integral to who they are. but now, they're trying to get something from each other, too. jason is hiding in ivy; ivy is seeking herself in jason. it's not just one kiss anymore; it's one, period. #SelfDiscoverySex!

then comes touch my soul, and these two clashing wants culminate. and these wants are clashing, because ivy's the only one who's really being honest here- and in touch my soul, she's so certain, too, it hurts me guys. GUYS. HURTS ME. jason can't even tell her how this whole thing has been a lie for him.

it's hard for me to articulate, exactly, why it is the third time's the charm here, why it is that touch my soul is where jason pulls away from ivy, realizes that this isn't going to work out, that this is never going to work out. and it's probably context.

in one kiss, jason pushes peter away, but they're still in a relationship, they just had best kept secret yesterday for christ's sake- jason believes that there's a place for them, if they find a way to trust that time will be kind. so, yeah, it's just one kiss- it's just a game, he's got peter, after all. then in one, jason and peter have broken up, peter moves out of their dorm, and somehow matt knows he's gay and called him a slur to boot. someone, somehow, has seen through his role- and that life-ruining flaw is unloved. hiding through ivy, though, helps him keep his perfect image. then there's touch my soul; two weeks of spring break, alone, peter-less. and peter wants nothing to do with him. he finally gets to see peter, but peter doesn't want to see him, and while jason doesn't exactly want to lie to live, he doesn't want it to come at the cost of peter, and their relationship, and even just being able to talk to peter.

first it was just appeasement; fulfilling a birthday girl's wish. then it was for safety, in hiding, in lying, burying that shameful truth and trying to become someone he wasn't, honing his role. and then he's in the hallway, and- is it worth it?

meanwhile, for ivy, it's like this. she's casted as juliet for a school play, but doesn't feel seen. she's got abandonment issues up the wazoo. she expects to be wanted for sex, and that's fine. she's grown accustom; she doesn't care about them, doesn't get attached, because #boyswillbeboys. but here's someone- jason. jason, who she threw herself at, drunk at her birthday party, and it was a battle getting him to even give her something as simple as a kiss. arguably, she only got it due to fortunate timing; it's hard to say no to a birthday wish. which is kind of embarrassing and awkward, but, like, she was drunk, so, she can use that as an excuse-

he thinks it was ok. he thinks it was cute. she's got a chance.

so she takes back that excuse. she really did mean it. and he reciprocates. so they fuck.

she had expected the script to go differently. she had expected the phone to ring. she had expected to be more than an anecdote.

then spring break is over. she talks to jason, brings up that he didn't call, but that it's okay- and he says, no. he should've called.

a beat.

and then she's completely, entirely honest with him, about her feelings, how deeply she feels them, why she knows that this is real, all the depths of who she is, of what she feels, how she feels, how he's touched her soul and seen her for who she really is (in her perspective anyway), and, finally, here is a boy she thinks she can trust to stay. "my discarded heart has finally found a home." (WEEPING.) and she wants to do the same for him, if he'll let her.

and ivy's shit at keeping things to herself. she wanted to let him know how she feels, the culmination of a spring break alone waiting for a call and getting nothing, but finally being able to talk with him. ("i miss you before you've left, you are tomorrow" AUGAAGHAGUAHG I'M SOBBING DON'T TOUCH ME)

but here's the thing. what ivy is searching for in jason and wants to give to jason in return, is something jason already has with peter. and, fuck. this is too real. this is getting way too real. the first, you could focus on the kiss. the second, you could focus on the sex. the third, it's only ivy, and her words, and nothing else. just her soul. which she says you've touched, FUCK.

jason freaks the fuck out. ivy thinks she's done something wrong, for him to leave- even after jason assures her that it's not her, it's him, but neglects to tell her that her real, honest, true feelings that she's felt for him, in this relationship- were just a means to him. (he never does; it's matt who has to tell her. if it weren't for him, jason would've stayed, to both their detriments.)

so in the end it's the same. the phone won't ring ("do you not get messages?") and he lets himself out. it's just for different reasons. it still sucks ass, no matter how much jason tries to save face, tries to assure ivy that she's more than something to be used, that he would love her in a perfect world ("what is THAT supposed to mean?" - ivy's thoughts, probably.), it's just not going to work. ("what do you mean?" - what ivy says.) and ivy tries to take it back again, tries to apologize for being too honest, but doesn't even get the chance. just jason telling her, you have touched my soul. you'll never know, but now i have to go."

which, SOBBING. because yeah, jason's scared she's homophobic, which is why he can't say exactly- but it still hurts, not knowing why he's going. (it's matt who has to tell her, but, like, i mean. it's promise, c'mon now, not like it's much better.) so even now, when jason stops using her to hide, he's still hiding- and ivy is left still seeking, but this time she had let herself get attached.

ivy's portrait of a girl grows up. jason tries to get back to his role of a lifetime. tries to do it without ivy, but when it turns out she's pregnant- well, "maybe i can learn to love you too."

maybe he could love her, but he can't find his way in her; he's already found his way. so he couldn't.

and it all comes crumbling down for the both of them. the harm of trying to live up to others' expectations, the way they want to see them, the way they struggle to be seen or to be hidden under that kind of perceived scrutiny, culminating in two different ways, bought about from simultaneously being unable to be seen and being unable to hide, accidentally turning each other into expectations.

i'm thinking about them a completely normal amount. if any of this is incoherent, don't worry, it's incoherent to me too. it's 2 am and my eyes hate the gift of light perception and i am tired and i have no doubt in my mind that my thoughts are disorderly as hell. but like, you get it, right?? you get it???? you get me??? like UGH. is it too much to call them foils? bc i think they might be foils. but also i'm thinking this at 2 am so.

ivy: ur not like the other boys... u don't want me just For Sex... but for me 🥺ur eyes, they actually see me, as, A Person TM....... and i lo-

jason, was using her For Lies: WAIT. FUCK. HOLD ON NOW. WAIT