#like I can see Carmen and Ayin would be people whom she respect and therefore their approval would worth for her but like
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#having thoughts about malkuth since#seeing some people interprets Malkuth (or in the case of Elijah) wanting Ayin's approval is about him but like#she heavily implied to always straggling with self worth since she never feels like she is ever in control of her situation#nor she feels like she herself as an individual could make an impact on the world around her#irrc her frustration at her lack of ''talent'' and her speech in lor where she dreamed about becoming an architect#in order to leave a mark in a world and bring out positive change within people#which is a reason why she joined carmen cause in the first place since the entirety of#''I couldnt make it on my own but if I was able to contribute to a greater cause/for a person who are able to make the change-#-maybe I will find some worth in my life''#like I can see Carmen and Ayin would be people whom she respect and therefore their approval would worth for her but like#when she is looking for their approval it wasnt really about them it just about her own powerlessness and her lack of self worth#without attaching it someone or something greater#something people in the city also struggle with#Thinking a lot about that line in LC where she absent mindedly talks to the manager about how great it is that she is in a department calls#THE CONTROL TEAM#and how much of a responsibility it is but she feels proud since it feels like a position she has always wanted#even before she came into existing (as a sephirah)#PUTTING THIS IN THE TAG SINCE IM CONSCIOUS TALKING ABOUT CHARACTER THAT IS NOT A LOL
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