#like BEAUUUUTIFUL beautiful

[aengelren]

the lashes oh he’s beautiful beautiful

[lucabyte]

Yaaay additions we love additions!!

This addendum is something I agree with, yeah! I lightly touched on it in my weird little footnotes at the bottom, but this is also what I was assuming from my observation that Odile seemed to he/him Siffrin more than the alternative. Good bonus read!

Ka-bue being more restrictive than Vaugarde really does a lot of the subtle heavy lifting in this analysis since it's our one solid Point Of Reference that the acceptance of change is Vaugarde thing, and not universal. Which in turn does a lot for Siffrin's character since, due to the part where they never explain jack fucking squat due to both general secrecy and being literally unable to, we have to use the other characters to read around them...

While I'm here though, since this goes into a tangent about Japanese Pronouns and their cultural meaning (something I super glossed over since I only really have a very passing weeb-ish knowledge of it), I'm also going to highlight @openphrase123's tags!! Since I think putting these all together is nice :)

^ this is fun to know! Thank you for the addition :D It certainly... adds a texture to it LMAO

i'm so curious about your character gender reads now tho 👀👀

(You enter the kitchen and see me, eating shredded cheese out of the fridge by the handful)

(I turn around to face you.)

Hi. Do you want me to sell you on amab NB Siffrin? I'm going to try and sell you on amab NB Siffrin. And maybe even a little bit of tranfem siffrin and/or loop. as a treat. just for you.

So, (I put the cheese back in the fridge.)

This read of mine comes from a number of things, a lot of them to do with the game's themes, and to do with Siffrin being a narrative foil to the other characters. And Vaugarde as a whole.

(READMORE WARNING: THIS IS LIKE 6K WORDS LONG. YOU ALL SHOULD KNOW BY NOW I DON'T MAKE POSTS WITHOUT UNCONSCIOUNABLE AMOUNTS OF EVIDENCE AND EXPLANATION. IF ANYTHING I'M BEING RESTRAINED HERE. THUMBS UP.)

(Pre-readmore note: this is in response to me having given an analysis of how I personally percieve Sifloop in relation to asexuality and shipping. Which you can look at here. (x))

It is however, not what my like, no-holds-barred no-rules just-for-me headcanon for Siffrin would be. (which is intersex 'head empty no thoughts' siffrin, for the record). This is instead my close-reading-of-the-text-and-themes interpretation of Siffrin. This is why I'm gonna be saying Read and not Headcanon, to distinguish the two. (Anything I consider a little bit too much of a stretch vis a vis interpretive hard reads I will call a headcanon. But those are for the last bit of this post.)

Unlike *gestures at mass media* All That… ISAT is already packed to the gills with queer rep, to the point where I feel no need to grasp at straws and make overextended reaches into obviously unintended subtext. Like with, y'know, most media. Since here, the subtext isn't unintended. Like this isn't a Transfem Metal Sonic or Aroace Ash Ketchum situation where I know none of the evidence is on purpose and I'm just having fun making a conspiracy theory pinboard out of it. This is like… There's intentionality there. And I want to engage with it on its level, see what the text itself suggests. It's my personal preferred method of expressing deep respect to a text. (Not that it has to be anyone else's, obviously. This is just my way of showing I love a work.)

So yeah, I am, in general, very interested in hearing hard-fought arguments when it comes to interpreting texts. I'm glad ISAT has a lot to pick at here, and so, I will. (and since not a lot of texts ever have anywhere near this kind of depth in this arena, i don't wanna squander it… i'll try and keep my own biases as in check as i can, and already have done by hashing quite a bit of this interpretation out with two people of very different gender identities to mine. To put it mildly, binary-aligned or transfem I am very squarely Not.)

(Now that the cheese bag has been removed from the equation, I drop this framing device, sit you down at the table and begin to dredge up evidence from below it.)

Okay, so. What are my like… Core reasonings here? I think I can split it into three categories. Broadly, with an amount of overlap, so bear with me…

SIFFRIN AS A FOIL AND CONTRAST TO MIRABELLE, ISABEAU AND THE CHANGE RELIGION AS A WHOLE.

SIFFRIN'S HABITS OF CLINGING TO 'KNOWN QUANTITIES', SCAPEGOATS, AND THEMES OF RACIAL IDENTITY INTERSECTING WITH GENDER IDENTITY.

SIFFRIN, LOOP, DE-PERSONING, DEHUMANISING, APATHY AND SURVIVAL.

Okay so up top I'm going to split my argument for Siffrin's gender identity Present and Future here. This means, for now, I'm arguing for AMAB NB Siffrin alone. The transfem stuff is for later (and more for loop, in my mind, too).

I have a few direct observations of the text here that set things up. Here are the things in-game that make me assume that Siffrin, as of the start of the game, has not yet undergone any radical change to their identity in their life. Not on purpose, at least. These are ordered in a messy but logical flow, so uh, try and keep up. I'll synthesise at the end. I Prommy.

SIFFRIN AS A FOIL AND CONTRAST TO MIRABELLE, ISABEAU AND THE CHANGE RELIGION AS A WHOLE.

CHANGE & THE UNIVERSE: PERCEIVED OPPOSITES

When interacting with most objects in the Changing Room in the house, they express a genuine curiosity toward body craft. It seems they are legitimately unfamiliar with it on a deeper level than having simply heard of it.

Despite this curiosity (explicitly stating they've previously wondered about it), they dismiss it as too much work early on in the game. These points combined seem to suggest to me that they have never previously sought out any kind of real change to their appearance or identity. Either for gender reasons, or other body dysmorphia reasons. (Which, despite the dismissal, they do refer to their body as a 'meat prison', which is not particularly positive) However...

This changes in Act 3. In acts 3 and 4 they flatly state: "You're thinking about crafting your body. You seem to have all the time in the world now." While still never spoken aloud, their declining mental state corrosponds with a worn-down, almost nihilistic reckoning with the feelings they masked with the 'meat prison' joke in act 2.

[Image: Interactions with the change craft textbook in acts 2 and 3/4.]

In talking to Mirabelle, they are very self assured that one can stay the same/be comfortable with their born identity. They also seem a little unsettled by the change religion's flippancy in general, which makes sense, as they have been clinging to the famliar (even when painful) to cope with other traumas. (More on this later, section 2)

The Universe Faith appears to heavily disincentivise Wanting for oneself and other expressions of Free Will due to safeguarding against Wish craft. This seems to have impacted Siffrin's mental state majorly, even if they do not recognise it. The followers of the faith are (if Siffrin is to be believed) incentivised to 'go with the flow' and take paths of least resistance, and those that DO make big decisions will tend to justify things as being The Universe's Will. (See: The King's entire Modus Operandi, and the way Loop (and Siffrin) do the same rote actions, constructing worldviews (the play analogy, the Universe's Will) and justify that as what the Universe Would Want (despite a total lack of evidence to prove as such)) As such, it seems as if a follower of this faith as neurotic as Siffrin would be unlikely to act upon any Wants to Change Themselves without a lot of turmoil and backwards-justification. (Of note, Loop's forcible change coinciding with a dropping of pronoun. But that is again for later, section 3) As of the start of the game, they do not appear to have broached this kind of turmoil directly.

[Image: Act 5 interaction with the star journal, emphasis on it being a cautionary tale against reckless usage of wish craft, instilled so deeply to be a children's bedtime story]

Siffrin, in act 5, grows frustrated with both The Universe and The Change God, feeling abandoned by the former. They struggle with simultaneously anthropomorphising the Universe as a cruel onlooker, while also seemingly acknowledging them as a cold, almost scientific fact of nature. This would heavily imply that the 'blame' put upon the Universe by Siffrin in these moments is known to them, at least a little, to be potentially meaningless. It seems that somewhere in Siffrin's belief system is something, be it the core or merely a creeping worry, that the Universe is not a thinking, feeling, thing. And thus that their invocations of "The Universe's Will" are merely rationalisations of random chance and consequence. This is in DIRECT contrast to the Change God, proven to be an emotive sapient entity, who merely refuses to offer a helping hand. (Similar sentiments are, too, spoken by the Change God itself.)

[Images: Interacting with the window in the observatory in act 5, text from the change god meeting]

So. These are the bulk of my observations when it comes to how Siffrin is positioned in contrast to the Change Belief. It would seem to be that Siffrin, inkeeping with their role as an outsider, is a complete fish out of water in Vaugarde's change-centric world. This makes sense! It makes them a compelling foil to the Vaugardians in our cast, and allows the Vaugardians to challenge Siffrin's worldviews merely by existing. It also, more importantly, makes Siffrin an interesting lens through which to inspect our two most Change-driven characters. Mirabelle and Isabeau.

MIRABELLE.

Mirabelle and Siffrin's differing faiths are put on display the most frequently. Interactions like the circle key and the party's disbelief of Siffrin's facts about the stars make this clear. These interactions other Siffrin from the group further, and are another avenue through which Siffrin can ignore their own needs, not communicating with the party and allowing them to dismiss things he deems important.

Obviously, the friendquest is primarily about Mirabelle's struggle with her aromanticism and asexuality. But there's an implicit undercurrent of gender there too. Mirabelle has never made a big change, not like Isabeau. She has never 'changed completely', by her words. And Siffrin distinctly finds this an odd thing to be worried by. Whatever culture he carries has no pressure to explore these avenues, it seems. Siffrin is able to help her by sharing their honest opinions, that he's never felt the need to change these things, and he's happy (allegedly). Why should she?

[Image: Mirabelle's friendquest text] Siffrin is not thinking particularly hard when he first does the friendquests, they are just being themselves. By positioning Siffrin as this unchanged yet confident object, they are in the perfect position to help Mirabelle by being in her almost exact position, both sexuality and transgender status (albeit, with the caveats of potential alloromanticism, and a they pronoun), that they become her ideal foil. (And in fact, the subtle differences between their positions in canon add to this, showing a display of Perceived Genuine Truth, rather than simple in-group camaraderie)

Whereas…

ISABEAU.

When Mal du pays speaks as Isabeau, it says the following;

"I don't want to know someone who won't even try to change, who luxuriates in things staying the exact same like you do."

I don't want to know someone - Shame of being known, that's Isabeau's insecurity. Reflected back at Siffrin, who has become the worst thing imaginable to each of their friends, in Siffrin's own mind. He absorbs their insecurities like a sponge and incorporates them into himself. Empathy turned ill.

Who luxuriates in things staying the exact same - Now THAT'S interesting. This is not Isabeau's insecurity, it's Siffrin's own. But also, it appears as if, Siffrin, whom to Mirabelle was unflappable in that not changing was alright, has internalised some of her worry. That it is MDP's Isabeau saying this, though, shows this is about Personal Change, perhaps even Specifically Gender and Self Image, rather than Mirabelle's spiritual side.

Isabeau and his distinct change in personality and gender, to become someone who he actually likes… Diametric to Siffrin, who has been stagnant for a long time, presumably as far as they can remember. It would seem to imply they have no recourse against this argument. Siffin becomes, in his mind, the opposite to Isabeau, a man he deeply admires the bravery of when told the story of his Change. These are Siffrin's words against themselves, that they consider themselves to have never even 'tried' whatever it is they think Change to be.

So. These are my main points vis a vis: Siffrin as a foil. This reading would posit that Siffrin's He/They status is, well, almost accidental? Which I would imagine befitting of them. They are, at the start of the game, still the mysterious rogue who never elaborates upon anything. They aren't going to be correcting a they/them from a teammate who is likely far more cautious about assumptions.

Notably, Mirabelle excludes Siffrin from the label "man" in the bathroom monologues… But as does Siffrin when in the prologue poem room. Though one needs remember, Siffrin only expresses these thoughts internally.

[Image: Bathroom conversation featuring Isabeau identified as the party's singular man]

[Image: Prologue!Siffrin expressing that they are not a man in very certain terms.]

While I do wonder what Mirabelle's knowledge (or lack thereof, potentially! Did Siffrin actually divulge this to her, once? Or is she making assumptions again?) is here, this is pretty clear evidence that Siffrin doesn't see themselves As A Man. (that, and Adrienne's word of god "fella" comments). I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this… but.

The thesis here is, that Siffrin may want to explore their gender further; doesn't feel connected to Masculinity, and yet, keeps that He pronoun around? Well, the Universe does not, in Siffrin's mind, really allow for personal wants and desires. If their friends start they/themming them, then cool. They like it, but never requested it, so it's the Universe's will. But, asking? Making decisions and requests and rocking the boat? That seems to scare Siffrin a lot. It seems to scare them so much it causes a lot of, if not all of, the conflict in the game. I feel like it's a fair deduction that this aversion to humour their own desires pervades a lot of their existence.

Plus, I think there's meat there. By only allowing Siffrin to reckon with any potential desires to change only after growing closer with the family, you get to explore things like "How does Mirabelle feel that even the person who said she didn't have to change is changing." and the slightly less potentially harrowing (OR MORE, IF YOU WANT IT TO BE? IDK. I'M NOT YOUR BOSS.) "Isa's continued changing allows Siffrin a space to explore it, maybe even just by proxy, or maybe by joining them."

But mostly, this section is about how Siffrin not having Changed Yet makes them delightfully strong narratively; allowing them to relate to Mirabelle, and get cold feet when comparing themselves to Isabeau. I love this as a narrative strengthener. It's very rare in media that we get to explore a nonbinary character's thoughts and insecurities on whether or not they're "doing enough" to be nonbinary. Even less so Aligned nonbinary people. And reading that alignment and insecurity through the lens of a nonbinary person not fully disconnected from their assigned gender at birth? It's a very compelling exploration of a very common and raw and yet underdiscussed feeling, much like the rest of ISAT. I think this is an extremely potent element should it be read this way, and is only strengthened when taking Siffrin's other themes into account.

Speaking of which.

2. SIFFRIN'S HABITS OF CLINGING TO 'KNOWN QUANTITIES', SCAPEGOATS, AND THEMES OF RACIAL IDENTITY INTERSECTING WITH GENDER IDENTITY.

HOLDING ON TO WHAT YOU KNOW. (OR KNOW THAT YOU DO NOT.)

I explained above many of my thoughts on the Universe Faith, and trying to keep these two sections separate was difficult, but needed to be done for the sake of clarity. But this section and the above are deeply intertwined.

Siffrin… Holds on to the things they know. They do not know much. But man do they fucking hold. And yet, paradoxically, they are also avoidant about it.

It is made clear in the text, to the point where I really don't feel the need to rehash it here, that Siffrin's disconnection from their homeland is incredibly painful, but that they consider that culture utterly and irreplaceably important to them. They cannot face it, it is too painful. They cannot let it go, it is too important.

Knowing what we know of the Island's irl inspirations (though, word of god, the exact location is not supposed to matter, one can infer it from the text (and I did! within reasonable proximity!)), Siffrin is of an indigenous peoples of some description, more than likely. And at the very least, Siffrin carries with them inherent biases and ignorances that show that Vaugarde's conceptions of things don't quite mesh with their own. Bowing to the Vaugardian way of things could very easily be seen as assimilation, in this way.*

And identity? Gender? Presentation? Role? All of that has a cultural element. There's no telling what specifics Siffrin has lost in that arena, and that's the problem. Neither do they. How paralysing, the feeling, to know that should you change yourself you risk unknowingly erasing another piece of home? I wouldn't blame them for locking it off. Keeping their old clothes, keeping what little they can remember of themselves… It doesn't seem to me a conducive or safe mental space to get experimental.

And the Universe makes for a perfect scapegoat. As referenced in the section above, a lot can be justified should you call it "The Universe's Will", because who's there to call you on it? Hardly anyone. Your divine right to Freeze A Place In Time; Your Deserved Punishment for Wanting to be Loved: All of it the Universe-- If you want it to be. And thusly, if the Universe wanted you to be a certain way, wouldn't you already be? Wouldn't it make you so? (Wouldn't it take away your body, that which makes you human? If that is what it thought of you?) So best to put it out of your mind. Wouldn't want to accidentally wish anything.

But as the game itself puts it, personified by The King, you cannot stay mired like this forever. As Loop themselves puts it, they can "get so fixated, sometimes." At some point they need to allow themselves to grow in whatever direction they need, because in the end, they need to live their life. They don't need to abandon their country, their culture, but they can't let it restrain them either.

(* MASSIVE CAVEAT: im white as fuck boyyy. i cant say shit. im like technically Of The Land im like 90% pictish or something ridiculous like that so my particular line has never moved anywhere but. this is notttt something i have input or insight on. this is all gleaned from reading and listening to indiginous perspectives from wherever they may be. i am simply trying to infer from what the game gives us without inserting my own feelings on the matter.)

3. SIFFRIN, LOOP, DE-PERSONING, DEHUMANISING, APATHY AND SURVIVAL.

Alright, here's some less heady and purely-thematic points to round things out. And where we'll also address the fucked up star being in the room; Loop.

My last couple of reading points are the most potentially-transfem to me. Or at least the ones that really hammer home, to me, a seeming lack of want to be masculine-aligned.

ANOTHER NOTE ON THE 'NOT A GUY' THING.

Obviously, there is the aforementioned "Not a man/not that you're a boy" thing. This is rather straightforward, but also still pretty ambiguous. You can be masc-aligned and still Not A Guy. But it does seem to be of note that being a guy very much does not seem to be a goal of Siffrin's. I would posit this in direct contrast to… Isabeau.

But not Isabeau's masculinity. I would instead hold it up against Isa's femininity.

ISAT, as a text, has its characters have genuinely different levels of security in their gender identity, and Isabeau, despite still having insecurities, seems super chill on the gender angle specifically! Their internal strife comes not from their 'not feeling like a man enough' or 'hating being a woman', but instead from their self perception as a friendless nerd! Something that seems to be only tangentially related to Isa's gender, really?

The big dumb bruiser thing is certainly aided by being a dude, but Isa still seems completely comfortable referring to themselves with feminine language, calling himself a "mother hen" (prologue) and having "the heart of a fair maiden" (cookie snack time). (However, they also take being excluded from Mira's girly book club as a surprised compliment, implying they weren't expected to be excluded, and find it affirming.) And even further so, Isa states they want to continue changing further and exploring their identity more, being rather blatant that they might lean back into femininity (and more importantly, let themselves be outwardly smart again), since they're starting to feel hurt by everyone assuming they ARE genuinely stupid.

[Image: Prologue Isa calling himself a mother hen]

And man, this is such a breath of fresh air vis a vis representation. I don't think I really need to explain that. A character who's gender identity is driven by chasing euphoria, even if it started out by trying to drive out misery. Isabeau's character is so damn good. But this essay isn't about him, so get back in the crate, boy.

... So here we have Isa, who is genuinely comfortable reclaiming things about their birth gender, and Mirabelle who loves her traditionally feminine traits to the point where she feels a little guilty that she isn't rejecting them to foster change. And then we have Siffrin… who seems to reject masculine language…? Hrm… (… And then we have The King. A Masculine Title. Someone who Siffrin increasingly sees themselves in and deeply, deeply dislikes this.)

APATHY AND SURVIVAL

It should be clear by now that I see Siffrin's core character as being driven by avoidance and survival. This seems to lead to a lot of apathy, brushing off emotions that are too intense or events and occurences that are too painful. (See: just absolutely everything with Bonnie)

It's all Siffrin really seems to be able to do to Survive. They've travelled, seemingly alone, for what would be around a decade by what the game says about the island's disappearance. They've lived alone on the road as a traveller in a country that so openly welcomes strangers that THE KING and his whole motives can happen. Siffrin is avoidant and refuses to acknowledge problems or strive for help and comfort.

So. That line about the dress. Let's unpack the line(s) about the dress.

THE DRESS LINE, AND THE WAY IT CHANGES BETWEEN PROLOGUE, ACT 2, AND ACT 3.

Good god where to start with this. Full disclosure, the first draft here was way more vague in how I approached this line because I remembered it (and another line, I'll get to it.) way more tame, but going and getting the screenshots..... Siffrin. Buddy. We gotta unpack this.

In act 2, we have "You haven't worn a dress in forever!". This is a neutral, if seemingly a little joyous statement. All we really glean from this is the information that Siffrin at some point, wore 'a' dress. No real inferences there. (Maybe you could say that the singular as opposed to plural makes it more likely that they borrowed/only owned One Dress rather than owned several? But that's a massive stretch...)

Then, act 3/4 shuffles this off into a more general "You wonder if you'll ever wear different clothes again." Which is a more despairing and distant statement. Considering Siffrin seems to travel with only the items they can carry, and owns sleep clothes... It's unclear how many changes of clothing they have. The party seems to consider the cloak a pretty permanent fixture, anyhow. But this line doesn't really say much aside from 'oh god i'm losing myself to the time loop malaise'

NOW THE PROLOGUE. Prologue Sif, buddy, pal, Loop, if I'm allowed to call you that....

Thousands of loops in. We are wistful for specifically dresses. You've forgotten almost everything. You dream about someday seeing the sun again. To be anywhere but here. You want to wear a dress again.

I. Kind of do not know what to do here but point at it. Like I said, my first draft had me half-remembering the progression of this line and as such I was far more vague on what I thought it could imply. Instead this is just straight up yearning.

To, try and segue back to what I had initially written, we'll pick up here...

Siffrin expresses a want to wear other clothes, explore changing their body... But instead, they wear a ratty old form-covering cloak that keeps them warm and safe and is a last reminder of home. They are shapeless, formless, hiding their face under the brim of a wide hat. They do not voice their desire to wear a dress aloud. They once again, keep a desire to themselves, because they do not allow themselves to want publicly. Apathy is safer. Apathy and quiet means you do not risk retribution or hurt.

While I do not think the above is exclusively a transfeminine feeling, it really, really reads like one when taken part and parcel with assuming Siffrin has denied themselves prior exploration.

... And here I have to break my first draft again. I was being, once again, restrained in my reading when writing this. Because I had convinced myself I had maybe straight up imagined one of the lines I was basing my reads on, because I couldn't find it. Because it was a line that read so strikingly desolate to me that my brain had slotted it in during Act Five, meaning when I went looking for it neither me nor my friends could find it.

It's in acts 3 and 4. It's a line I already brought up.

"You're thinking about crafting your body. You seem to have all the time in the world now."

good fucking christ. sorry to break the academic tone but Jimminy Fucking Willikers, Siffrin. What's with that bit. The resignation and despair and guilty comfort we know the timeloop brings them, bleeding into the gender.

This. *taps my finger harshly on my desk* THIS, this feels transfem. this feels so wildly transfem to me. The knowledge that they've never changed before this line lends. The admission that they've been holding back because it's 'too much work'. I spent a lot of time during the game relating Siffrin not to myself but to my friends.

If I'm honest, really, truly, I'm not all too often in Siffrin's shoes. I'm the stable one, of my group. I'm the rock people ground themselves on. And I see so much hesitance, all the time. Denial of joy because what if it's taken away, again? Or futilely out of reach? It hurts more to try, and to fail, than to never try at all.

I wanted to shake Siffrin by the shoulders this whole game. Grit teeth beg them to accept help because for fuck's sake people are clearly offering it get it through your skull--

*coughs* Ah. Ahem. Right. The uh, academic tone.

Right. What I mean to say is, this read as transfem to me because of the way it relates to real-world experiences of denial. And this combo of the Dress line, and the progression of the Meat Prison line, the constant evidence of never having strived for what they want, and that insistance that you're not a man, seem to dislike being percieved as a man, but not being able to shed the outward signifiers?

Individually, yes, these points can be read in different ways. The total opposite ways, even, I'm sure! But as a gestalt it feels really, really transfem. Even if yeah, sure Vaugarde is a magical setting where being transgender is accepted, and this hesitance, specifically, around gender, might not 'make sense' in 'the lore'...

Diegesis isn't everything. Sometimes something that reflects a real-world feeling is important, even if it doesn't 'mesh' with 'the lore' of the world.

TANGENT: DIEGESIS AND READING INTO NON-REAL-WORLD-SETTINGS.

This is a Watsonian vs Doylist spectre that's been haunting this whole argument. In-universe (Watsonian), Vaugarde has seemingly no discrimination between genders, sexualities, and a lackadaisical approach to most things in the arena. Reading our own patriarchal/heterosexual/amanonormative/perisexist society unto it does not make sense, not in this context.

In the real world, however (Doylist), ISAT is a text made in our prejudiced society. A text that is distinctly flavoured by those bigotries which it is kicking back against. Because of this, it is not the whole story to simply read the text while discarding our real-world-informed inferences. Isabeau is a big example of this. While perfectly accepted in Vaugarde, he is very obviously a revolutionary character in our real-world space! He has so much to say, specifically BECAUSE things about him that are not readily accepted here, are accepted there! Same with Mira's struggles, and yes, Siffrin's too.

ISAT was written with the knowledge of how it would play against our real world in mind, we know this, clearly, from many an interview. This is most present in how it engages with asexuality and aromanticism (and immigrant identity), but make no mistake, it influences the Whole Text.

Ergo, just because I view certain writing choices here in the context of Our Real World Perspectives On Gender and not Vaugarde's In-Universe Perspectives, it does not make them an invalid read. They are simply a Doylist read.

There's been an admittedly loosey-goosey lack of delineation here between things I'm reading with either lens, because for the most part all of these points have been a vague synthesis of both that I can't quite decouple. Unprofessional, I know, but I'll admit to not having written my thoughts down like this in a good long while. Usually I just hash this out verbally over discord voice to a small number of weirdo literature and classics student friends who are willing to humour me. I'm an arts student too, but animation hardly required I actually write an essay to a literature degree's standard. Lol.

DE-PERSONING. AND LOOP. OH JESUS . LOOP .

Siffrin de-persons themselves a lot. I say de-person rather than dehumanise because, well, there's a subtle difference there. Siffrin doesn't see themselves as vermin or an animal or an object, but they do seem to see themselves as lesser, not requiring the respect they grant others. They aren't, you know, a 'real person'.

People get to have things like thoughts and wants and identities. Siffrin is, at best, Just Siffrin. They have what they have and they don't ask for more and they don't (CAN'T) feel too strongly on what they do have!

When Loop at first offers their pronouns they offer the Royal 'We'. This is at least a little bit, a joke. A nudge toward their true identity, a potential dig at themselves for becoming so understanding of The King. Mostly though, a joke on the first thing…. and a sign that they do not see themselves as a separate entity to the Siffrin stood before them.

When Siffrin rejects this, they settle for they/them. Loop drops the he/him, presumably partially to cover their tracks, but… They just showed their hand with the 'Royal We', and if you wanted to go even further with this, there's no way for us to know whether Loop is treating this pronoun as singular or not. They presumably are, but it is still a potentially plural pronoun.

Loop… Clearly does not see themselves as a person. It's, I would say, a completely reasonable assumption that the form they have taken reflects implicit feelings toward themselves as less than a person, an actor, a monster, a tool, a means to an end. They are rendered inhuman by The Universe, frivolous distractions removed. No mouth, inventory and clothes confiscated, nothing between the legs. Formed roughly in the shape of a person to allow them to do their only job: Help.

Loop's body does not make logical sense, given their continued ability to sleep, dream and their continued habit of deep breaths to self-soothe. It would seem to me, it was made in the image it was, with only the tools it needed to Help Siffrin. Why obfuscate their identity? Because giving the game away too early would likely make them lose hope. Why so deeply, thoroughly star themed? An instant signal, that even if a stranger, they are an ally. They are home.

[Image: Loop saying that they take naps and dream, and evidence of Loop habitually attempting to breathe in the twohats lose-to-loop ending]

And they… Degender themselves. No longer with any bodily signifiers of masculinity, and cruelly disallowed the ability to hide themselves beneath fabric, they are null. The spoiler Q&A (paratext, as it were) states that:

Q. Is Loop: 1. Actually comfortable with both he and they, but only gave the one pronoun to emphasize the distance? 2. Only using they/them because a large life event led to a shift in identity/ how they’d like to be perceived? or 3. time lops stole he from they they :( A. Mostly that first one. But all three of those reasons have a bit of truth to them.

While the 'mostly the first one' comment does imply that Loop would not baulk at being he/him'd (similar to how Siffrin does not), the other reasons, especially the second, having 'a bit of truth' does lend credence to this reading. That Loop's self-perception has shifted, and what I posit, is that this shift is in tandem with a disconnection with humanity. Due, presumably, to the dehumanising experience of the timeloop.

Loop has no biology to speak of, and yet they remain blind in one eye. I take this as an implication that they considered this so core to themselves, to who they could remember being, that it stayed. Even if they had forgotten their own face, trapped in a part of the house with no mirrors, they knew they couldn't see. They kept this, and yet seemingly they, or The Universe, or both of them in tandem, discarded all else.

This isn't like…. Healthy behaviour. That is for certain. But it is interesting that Siffrin and Loop seem to hold on to their masculinity by a thread, and that Loop, when actually given the excuse to make a choice, chooses the Neutral Option. Siffrin might de-person themselves, but Loop, Loop is absolutely dehumanising themselves. From Loop's own mouth (or lack thereof) do they call themselves a Corpse. That's… pretty damn bad.

TANGENT 2: POTENTIAL IMPLICATIONS OF THE JAPANESE TRANSLATION.

Did somebody say 'distance'? Yeah turns out that has some more potential evidence. In the form of First Person Pronouns. See, English, with its third person only pronouns relies on others to gender you. Japanese, you get to gender yourself. And Siffrin specifically has an interesting discrepancy in the way he refers to himself.

(DISCLAIMER: I . DO NOT KNOW MUCH ABOUT JAPANESE. THIS IS SECOND-HAND KNOWLEDGE. SOURCED FROM THIS TUMBLR POST AND OTHER QUICK SKIMS OF WIKIPEDIA)

Loop and Siffrin use the same, very neutral "mostly male but could go either way" pronoun of 僕 boku. Safe, soft friendly pronoun. Used by people on the younger side of adulthood, not so impolite that you can't use it in a formal setting. Such a neutral all-rounder that female singers in japan tend to use boku in their songs to relate to the audience with quiet confidence.

And in their internal monologue? Siffrin uses a completely different pronoun. In his head, for himself, he uses 自分 jibun. Now, this may be an artefact of the monologue's english second-person "You", since jibun can also be used to mean a very neutral "self". A "myself/herself/himself" type 'self'. But when used as a first person pronoun, it has a connotation of being… distant, introspective. Which is… a fascinating implication, if that was the intent.

But I don't know anything about japanese so ! If I'm off the mark, discard this!

LOOP, PART 2: MAYBE NOT A GREAT STATE TO BE IN.

While Siffrin I can comfortably argue that they can like, keep their current gender presentation, whatever you may perceive it to be, once the game is over, Loop, I cannot.

Siffrin's potential issues with their identity are ones that honestly feel like they would best be explored with gentle refinement and searching. They don't need to violently seperate themselves from what they are now, far from it, in fact. They need to learn to grow comfortable in their own skin, and with the people they love. To become open and trusting, with an open mind to where it may lead.

Loop has already lost this battle. They don't get to refine anymore, just pick up the pieces. While I don't necessarily think radical change is Good for Loop, I think they may Need It. For them, resting will probably become stagnation (see: napping all day under the tree, resigned, really, to the idea they're stuck there forever.), they need a shake-up in order to re-find their feet. Even if they end up right back where they started, they still need to do the actual painful process of soul-searching first.

Problem is, they're still rather avoidant. So it basically becomes a question of getting them into a situation where this exploration is forced upon them. At which point, that's a whole new plotline. This becomes fanfiction. Hence, why while I think Transfem-Egg Loop is a Valid Read when extrapolated from Siffrin… I must concede any actual adventures into them acting upon that as headcanon territory. I just do not know how you would get them there without making a whole new Thing, at which point it stops being Just A Read of the text haha. It doesn't help that Loop and Siffrin (grudgekeepers supreme) both have reason to spite the Change God after who was phone.

As for whether this egg-read reflects directly back on to Siffrin? Maybe! They are the same person. But I think that, especially with Vaugarde's lax views, and their actual differences (Loop's general worse mania // Siffrin's incentive to stay a reminder to themselves and Loop of their country) means they could easily go two different routes, along the road to becoming their own distinct individuals. (And in all honesty, growing into their differences is probably the more healthy option in the long run if you're keeping Loop around? But again, we are going so far into the future here this is no longer a read. And I am not here to dispense baseless headcanons without massive disclaimer, so…)

Tl;Dr:

Siffrin's Survival-Apathy and hesitance to change feels really thematic to their being 'what's left' of their homeland

They seem unsettled by the flippancy of the Change Religion at times, clinging to the familiar to cope with the trauma of displacement.

Mal du pays speaks of them that they have not 'tried' to change, showing an insecurity there, even outside of the literal stagnance of the loops.

They are self assured to Mira that one does not have to change, in a very genuinely personal impulsive statement.

They and others exclude themselves from being "A Man", but Siffrin keeps desires to explore their expression to themselves.

The Universe belief, seemingly in Siffrin's view of it, disincentivises Free Will and Wants very heavily. It is not hard to assume they extend this to all elements of their life.

They have self-admittedly never pursued tangible change, likely due to this aversion to choice. Despite this, they express interest in changing, seeming nonplussed with their body, and house at least some desire for more traditionally feminine expression.

Oh Good God. Loop Sure Does Not Treat Themselves Like A Person. Why Does That Come With A Pronoun Change? What Does That Mean?

But most of all:

It makes them such a fascinating foil and lens to Change and characters who believe in it! It makes them eerily similar to The King! It opens up such fascinating debate between characters like themselves and Mirabelle, Isabeau and Loop, on whether or not they want to change in future, or if it truly is okay to never radically change yourself! What genuinely fertile ground for dialogues. And man if I'm not heavily drawn towards dialogues.

(End of essay! Congratulations for making it the whole way! 🎉 I hope this nightmarish deep dive helps with understanding some of the ways I've been writing Siffrin and Loop too. Since while I've not ever focused on the gender side of it (and probably won't in comic form) this does pervade my view of the two, since it would be impossible for it to Not. As you can see, I do think it is pretty relevant to both their themes.)

(Now for some bonus material)

ADDENDUMS:

PERSONAL BIAS NOTE:

Not included in this analysis since this is more a Pet Theme of my own (usually kept quarantined to the realms of my OCs), but something else I see in Siffrin is a reflection of the Dude Issue(tm) of patriarchal irl society disincentivisng Dudes(tm) from ever fucking introspecting ever.

I'm curious about nonbinary/trans characters who have no idea they’re nonbinary/trans because they’ve been disincentivised from thinking/doubting their identity due to societal power structures or simply tradition. I dig around the themes of “a lot of guys are trapped in a societal prison without ever knowing and it makes them miserable but they can’t escape because they don’t even see the cage” like, a lot, in my personal work. It intrigues me. So bleh, cards on the table there. That mode of interacting with nb/trans characters is one I'm inclined to.

This kinda goes hand in hand with the watsonian vs doylist situation i took an aside to mention. But it is so far along the doylist side that I didn't want to include it, since it is a little too assumptive of the text for my comfort. I don't think the game necessarily has much commentary on this specific Societal Bind. But if it does, then hey, there's my thoughts on it.

STRAY SIDE NOTES AND HEADCANONS ABOUT OTHER CHARACTERS (AS A TREAT FOR GETTING THIS FAR):

MID-GAME OBSERVATION ABOUT BONNIE AND ODILE THAT I NEVER WENT BACK TO VERIFY:

I got the impression that Bonnie heavily favours they/them pronouns for Siffrin, and Odile he/him, as a bit of presumed character voice. I don't know that I am right, literally at all, in that observation, because it very well could've been confirmation bias.

BUT! It did give me the impression that one of the things Bonnie was idolising about Siffrin was a degree of "wow!! older person with my gender!! wow!!", which is just like, cute. I like it even if I don't have any solid evidence.

ODILE, WHAT'S HER DEAL?:

Oh she stays just as mysterious as she intends to be, huh? Even with her comments in the Changing Room alluding to knowing things about underground changing operations, you can't draw much of a conclusion about her. I appreciate verily that she's word-of-god unlabelled and also poly. That shit's great. Woman who has stopped drawing lines or caring what she's up against. Nice characterisation flavour I think.

Anyway, I do think that transfem Odile is a really, really nice take. I have no evidence in either direction for her in either direction, and her being a woman of any description makes her relationship with her absent mother something interesting to chew on, but the idea that she pursued womanhood intentionally lends an interesting texture. I've not much to say, but it's a thread to pull on. Makes you wonder what other female role models she had in her life instead. Anyway she's mysterious as fuck I can't extrapolate Jack nor Squat. Shrug! I'm also made curious by the idea of her potentially moving away from womanhood as she feels the weight of her history lifted. This goes either way, really. Diagnosis: mysterious.

HEADCANON NOTE: INTERSEX SIFFRIN

I don't have any in-text support for this so this entire thing is an unbased headcanon to me. but i DO like it because 1. fun and 2. potential for more thematic exploration

haha gotcha its fuckin themes again. its always themes with me.

But yeah. Not much to say here besides drawing a parallel (that I believe I've seen drawn elsewhere in the fandom already?) between ISAT's comments on how a society that values change would view Aroace identities, and how Mira feels about not wanting to change with the real world experiences of Intersex people having alteration and conformity forced upon them, saying the Change Belief would likely be just as bad for them as it is for aroace people.

So, adding it to Siffrin's situation further drags them into the opposition-to-change foil role. Which like I said, think has a lot to explore.

HEADCANON NOTE: A POTENTIAL METHOD FOR GETTING LOOP OUT OF THEIR GOD DAMNED COMFORT ZONE

I think utilising Loop's contrarianism is an effective and funny way to get them to explore their gender. I personally think running with them trying to hide their identity from the party is a hilarious way to do it. Having them try to position themselves in direct opposition to Siffrin to "throw the party off their trail" (not that i think they really need to?), going full feminine-revealing-clothing because it's NOT what a Siffrin would do and accidentally growing accustomed to it. Funny to me. Especially when the party eventually do find out who they are and go . "????? what was the girl stuff about ??? is that something you wanna do now ???".

[Isabeau] "Ohhhh it was a bit! Haha you really are Sif, still a jokester!" [Loop] "HAHA YEAH . JOKES. LOVE THOSE. LOVE TO MAKE JOKES!" [Isabeau] "Yep! Anyway. Tell me if you need anything!"

Bonus bonus:

[Siffrin] "Okay, so, if you're a girl. Does this reflect on like… me?" [Loop] "No doubles. Get your own gender, parasite~!"

[sky-kiss]

5, 19, and 25 for the beauuuutiful joi! 🥂🥂🥂🥂

5. Do they have any really out-of-left-field kinks/fantasies? Maybe even something that they wouldn’t necessarily want to act on but have still thought about?

Really, truly, genuinely wants to fuck the Ascended Fiend. It’s Raphael at his rawest and most unguarded. The Fiend is monstrous, and she finds it so beautiful. Tonguing her, riding it. All of the above. She’s weirdly feral about, and possessive of, that freak. Daddy Meph made him terrible and she’s going to forcibly erase that, thanks. She will fuck the trauma out of it, do not question her on this.

Would love to ride Raphael on his throne in front of his court. 

She did a lot of horrible stuff as a Durge, and Raphael is into a lot of horrible stuff so. I think like. Maybe when she was with Shadow she might have wanted some filthier nonsense that she might not have been into. Like blood or pain play…which Shadow might be into but like…cannot hurt babygirl. 

19. When they “dress-up” for sex, what’s their go-to outfit? Lingerie, suit, gown, etc.?

Turns into Raphael. XD No. 

A gown. She’s not big on lingerie. So maybe a very expensive gown. And if it’s for lazy seduction…Raphael’s robe. Do a lil theft.

25. Share a sample line of dirty-talk

This is assuming she’s allowed to get a word in edgewise. Raphael never stops talking. And he’s more into monologuing than having a conversation. 

I got nothing. Let me think. There’s another 25 for dirty talk. I’LL GET BACK TO YOU, FAM.

[wosobronze]

Ona is literally the definition of pretty!!! Like her natural beauty is quite frankly insane!!! 😍

for real!! feel like her freckles aren’t spoken about enough either actually, like they’re beauuuutiful

[sagaofstardustmkg]

holly

Thick, milky manchineel sap paints the chateau walls as Victoria Bitter goes to work on the snapdragon. It drools out of its broken stems as it throws its massive body at her; when VB feels her knuckles push not just against but through a peduncle, she’ll pull them back covered in the stuff. 

It burns like hell. In the wild, this would be the end of VB’s day. Her life might follow if she touched her nose, eyes or mouth with her hands still contaminated.

Here, she feels it bright and brief, like sparks on her skin, before Janelle’s ward sweet-talks her body into a fast recovery.

All of the snapdragon’s eyes are trained now on VB. All its menace has been redirected into their duel. It circles, snaps its jaw, lunges, and occasionally barrels through other sections of the battlefield — but it is, like all faeries, catastrophically vain and myopic. It cannot rest until it has repaid the indignity of being struck by a human hand. 

(killyoueatyoutearyou, its blossoms say to each other. growinsideyou. unfurlourpetals. inthegardenofyourskull.)

It doesn’t even know what Australia is, or it would be mad about that, too.

Dionaea, meanwhile, opens her body like an umbrella as the Leslies multiply, casting a wide shadow over the arena. Her human silhouette is almost entirely lost in the action — she is closer to the thicket of briar that surrounds Sleeping Beauty’s tower than anything. Appraising the illusion, some of her eyes crinkle in condescension. And the next thing she says makes it clear that she may have gained more than passage into Juneau’s chateau as she traveled between worlds. 

“Little fool-princeeeess.”

Just as you knew Janelle’s story entire in the moments she spent away, Dionaea’s learned a few things about you. Not many. Nothing Janelle’s mind did not carry. Little snatches of information, whisps of thought.

And nothing like the truth. The truth is transformed beyond recovery when it enters a mind like this.

“Spreadest thou thy infinite failure among these shadows?”

Her vines sweep out at the various Leslies, passing through them in search of the real ones. But the ploy is working — as her pet chases VB, Dionaea’s attention is split dozens of ways by a single woman. 

“We should hardly be able to stand the sight of ourself, had we squandered as much as thou. Let us put out thine eyes as a kindness. Replace them with —”

Little white flowers and tiny red berries bloom all over the spindly distorted form. Holly.

(Known in Gaelic as celyn.

Holly-garden is laes celyn.

And many centuries ago in Scotland, that phrase ran together into a single word: Leslie.

Mortals have always been so envious of their masters, the queen thinks. Rightly so.)

“Something beauuuutiful.”

Her leaves fan into something like a smile. 

And that’s exactly when Nevros shouts.

Dionaea pulls herself back in. Not all the way, still a looser approximation of human shape than before, but most of it. The Leslie clones are so loud and abundant she has to search for a moment to identify the source of the taunting.

They’re entertaining me instead! 

She’s still searching when Nevros’s teeth sink in deep, spilling more of that milky sap all down their chin and front.

And she does, in fact, 

S C R E A M. 

It is not like a human scream. There is no instrument on Earth that could replicate this sound, nor would you wish to invent one. 

And although she had come to know, in the days before her banishment, the stories of magic-eaters that even faeries feared —

She has never met anyone like Nevros.

“THIEF!” she howls, thrashing against their teeth. This only aggravates the wound, tearing it open further. As much as she bucks and twists, she cannot dislodge Nevros. “BARK-BORING INSECT! EATER OF BROKEN MEATS! Thy touch — augh!“

The iron hurt her badly, sent its cold fire lancing through her. Nevros’s power is something else entirely. Her leaves are spotting. Her petals are falling dry off the bloom.

And she’s still talking shit.

“Thou — thou striketh ever at the heart of thine envy,” she says, continuing to struggle, wrapping them in thorns. “We should pity thee, were thou not beneath it. Fighting on behalf of the fleshthings? Coveting their affection as thou coveteth magic, undeserving of both and incapable of holding onto either?”

The thorns tighten.

But speaking of love, Baku is here.

The faerie queen raises her vines to defend herself from the bakemono, then. Freezes entirely for the first time since her arrival. The eyes all go still. 

She is lost in a dream.

Lost being the operative word, here. These fond memories of warm intertwined hands and tender quiet moments are terra incognita. Nothing could be more disorienting than expressions of human love. 

Human friendship.

The experiences of living in a littler-than-usual human body (awful, wretched constructs, full of blood and worse) that is being held, crying with joy, savoring the feeling of sand against its fleshmitten hands.

“What is this?”

The voice she uses to ask it is quite small, but the question echoes among all her mouths. 

(whatisthiswhatisthiswhatisthis)

“STOP IT STOP THIS WE WILL NOT SUFFER THE INSULT OF HUMANITY ST—“

Mayumi, shining like a valkyrie, cuts into her midsentence. She attempts to shrink away from the blow but doesn’t know which direction to move, mind still spinning at the gala. Her form dodges into the next blow instead of away from it, and her attempts to course-correct are hampered both by Nev’s bulldog-like grip on her and the litany of Leslies still jingling all around.

(“Huzzah!” Adelaide shouts suddenly from the sidelines, no longer cowed into silence. Her fists are clenched. “Strike clean and true, champion!”

A moment later, too overwhelmed by emotion to continue filtering her speech: “You guys are so fucking cool!”) 

Dionaea retracts into herself, clearly in agony. The scream is building again. It hums through the room and presses on your eardrums. Her remaining vines all curl at once. Her petals snap shut. 

Then they seem to bulge from inside. 

“Enough!”

The flowers explode open. You are showered in lush, dewy petals like confetti. 

And something else. 

You might spot the spores before you breathe them in. You might instinctively blink, catching one between your eye and its lash.

There’s no avoiding them no matter what you do. They float through the chateau like motes of dust, so thick in the air that you are likely to find your visibility suddenly limited. 

The more you breathe, the more you feel your body reacting to them. They burn you from the inside. Your thoughts start to run together and strength begins to drain from your body.

Of course the plant lady can send out poison spores. Of course she can.

[matthewrtg]

Rharvydh and Ibryn: A Draft of a Vignette in Progress

(I am very bad at finishing fiction projects I start, so I'm just going to post this draft as-is and come back to it over the coming days to work on it. Any constructive feedback you might want to give would be welcome. (It's a follow-up to a short piece I posted yesterday, which I had meant to be a short exercise in fantastical situational comedy, but here we are.)...)

Closing time had come and gone at the Lonely Owl Inn, and Rharvydh Phiazeh emerged from the back to tidy up for the next day. When he looked up he looked up he took a sharp breath in and stopped dead in his tracks. There, at the bar, lay what appeared to be a young male elf, sleeping off one too many drinks.

On most days by this time, all the customers were long gone—on the road or up in their quarters. The bartender, a kind but also big and burly ork, usually made sure of it by now so Rharvydh could get his own work done by a reasonable hour. For only when everyone was gone would they all certainly not care if a dark elf servant boy like him was out and about doing things. Ravensberg was a border town, where the lands of ork and man and wood elves and tevarian met in uneasy commerce at a corner of the untamed shadowlands, and so it was a freer town than most, open to all sorts, but there were limits to what people would allow even here. While some in Ravensberg were at least willing to countenance the presence of a dark elf or two, many weren't. Especially when the dark elf attracted shadowbrennen like Rharvydh did. So why Ghrshk, the bartender, had let this youth stay when all others were made to leave was beyond Rharvydh's 21 year old ken.

It wasn't just the presence of someone that made Rharvydh start like that. Flushed and silly with drink though it was—though maybe also because of it—that youth's face struck Rharvydh as one of the most beautiful he had ever seen. It felt like a part of his heart was melting in his chest.

Rharvydh shook himself. There was work to be done; the few shadowbrennen hovering around him right now were good for some things, like spywork and darkcraft and burning things down, but work was not one of them. He went behind the bar first to check on the youth's tab.

Ibryn Hador: guest, room 6; 4 cups mead, paid in full.

Four cups? That's it? A lightweight, this elf was. He must not have much experience with these things at all, Rharvydh thought. Even at 15 he could handle five on a bad night. He glanced down at the elf's face. Some strands of loose flaxen hair fell over it. It looked innocent to Rharvydh, the sort of innocent that it was good only four cups of mead could get drunk like this.

"He's muttering something!" one of the shadowbrennen squeeled, laughing. The other one chimed in. "Yes he is! Listen, listen!"

If shadowbrennen like these noticed something in a situation like this, it was probably indecent. He knew he'd most likely regret heeding them, but Rhardvydh did anyway:

"—with you—a reeeal man—I—AM—man—let me—tonight—mmmmm—ah you-re beauuuutiful-hick. I—make you sooo—feel—like—hick—a real wo-man-k—" is what Rharvydh caught between mumbling and the sound of a mouth working to say words that wouldn't come out as he cleaned up the back of the bar. That was enough listening. The shadowbrennen hovered around Ibryn, snickering, but Rhardvydh would let him be.

He polished and restocked the whole bar and swept and tidied up the dining room. He polished all the tables and chairs and set them for the morrow's guests. He closed the shutters, checked all the lights, and double checked all the security measures hidden around the room. He then locked the door and set the lights to dimming. With everything done, he turned to the now snoring Ibryn, wondering what to do.

There wasn't much of a choice. He cleaned up Ibryn's drool, picked him up, and carried him upstairs. The shadowbrennen, now strangely quite, continued hovering around the sleeping youth's head. The violetfire sparking through their translucent bodies cast a faint flickering glow across his face and on through the now dark stairwell ahead.

Rharvydh brought Ibryn through the dark to room 6. As a dark elf he saw better in the dark than he did in the light. And while he was already deceptively strong and agile, he took extra care that the one he carried would not be disturbed. Even has he opened the heavy guestroom door, he succeeded.

Ibryn's room was a mess, as chaotic as the face of the one living there was beautiful. It was, to Rharvydh's mind, an odd clash of things—dweller and dwelling.

They were almost all the way to the bed without a sound or a jolt, when Rharvydh felt a hand on his cheek. It made him start. He had been so focused on his surroundings he had focused on nothing else; he had noticed Ibryn neither wake nor move. He looked down.

In the dark, Ibryn's eyes were as those of one wide awake and alert, as one who had drunk no mead at all. "You know you're beautiful?" he said. He did not take his hand away from Rharvydh's cheek; he gently patted it twice over, gently. "Thank you. For doing this. I drank too much. I, I want—."

And Ibryn's hand fell away. His eyes were closed. He was snoring.

Rharvydh felt hot in his face. He shook himself. He got Ibryn into bed and tucked in, made sure there was a pail nearby and and a jug of water and a cup. Everything he could do was done, and he went to leave.

There was a mirror by the door. He stopped for a moment, and looked.

He saw himself, there, his white hair gleaming in the faint moonlight floating in through the room's window. The light from the shadowbrennens' violetfire flickered along the contours of his young elven face and narrow blue eyes. He had never entertained the thought that he was beautiful, not ever. He raised his hand to his cheek, traced where Ibryn's hand had touched.

That was enough. He shook himself, left, and locked the door. The days would go on, and this one would fall into the past.

[urlocallsimp]

NO NO NO BUT SEEERIOUSLY i need to VOICE THIS OUT! BC SAAAAAAAME I GENUINITY found myself the other day being like HOW DARE HEE, HOW DARE TENOCH HUERTA redefine men for me!??... Not after i've built all these defensive walls and boundaries and came to accept that all men are shit and that i shouldn't strive to hope there's good ones out there and then I DISCOVERED HIM AND HE'S LIKE SIKE NOT ALL OF US ARE SHIT. Some men are actual FLOWERS!! some men feel actually SAFE!!!?!?!?? SHOCKER TBH. So im genuinely drowning in him and his beautiful beauuuutiful masculinity as much as i can.. he seriously has one of the healthiest displays of masculinity i have ever ever ever eveeeeer seen.. the only other ones that came close are Oscar Isaac and Pedro Pascal (there's smth abt latino men istg, bless !! ) but idk Tenoch just surpasses everyone bc he's truly impossibly perfect, at least for me. Im a sucker for intelligence like u can look like a model but if your conversations can't go wild and deep yeah no i won't give a fuck anymore.. The way he's SMART smart, like u can tell he's so philosophical and existential and so wise and well spoken and on top of that humble and truly kind (and freaky af!?!?)... idk if i should be happy that we got a glimmer of hope in men or cry bc how tf will i ever get a person like him!??!?

These pictures have been a recent favorite of mine. Any picture of him in a cowboy hat, his feather ear piece and his hair neatly combed back. Anytime he speaks for the marginalized communities, displays his intelligence without a fault, talks about racism and just all round listens intently to people as they speak. Any interview, game show, video I come across of him, his attention is undivided and LISTENS to what people are speaking about.

Saw two snippets of how he talks about these topics with his daughters???? I'm holding out hope for good men this year, this is a sign that some good guys do exist, who look good and have golden hearts?

Anyway here's my aimless ramble about how he's my favorite person in the world 💖

[doebt]

No wait actually if theres bars that do like live music every night (or most nights) i can just go and partake in that...that could work

[toiletwipes]

:0 wipes!! fae-bur will consume my brain for the next week at least. like imagine him with sharp yet soft features, rosy cheeks and beauuuutiful wings… imagine he’d bring you to the fae realm where he plays songs on a little harp- ✨

God he's so beautiful and so scary it's unfair and if he brings you there it's gonna be so hard to get out I feel because (I'm not that versed in all things fae and also) he's gonna see this as you want to be with him. Forever. So of course he's gonna serenade you, gonna make you forget you want to leave him ever again <33

[aprilskyforever]

Henny ranks Eurovision 2021: third and final edition, after the show

 we waited two years... and just like that, it was over. but what a YEAR! there really aren’t many songs in here that i actively don’t like, i can see some appeal in pretty much all of them. alas, if i have to rank them, this is where they end up:

1. italy. (+10) yes, i too got on board the italy hype train in the end. and yes, i too wanna sleep with the whole band, all at once if possible. this is just oozing sex appeal both in melody, riffs, lyrics and of course, their look and charisma. and i’m HERE for it. what’s so interesting with italy is that, when they won sanremo i felt like yeah this is a decent song and it will probably get a decent placing but it won’t win, because that’s usually the case with italy you know, and i’m fine with that! and then... it’s like with love, isn’t it. it happens when you stop expecting, stop looking for it. 

2. switzerland (+1) the staging for this was not what i expected but i was absolutely on board. and gjon is flawless. the song, his voice, everything about this is perfect.

3. malta (-2) i lowkey wish destiny had kept the dress she had in the first rehersal. this was everything i wish toy was, in a way. 

4. iceland (+3) like i said in my first post, daði really knows how to make a beat. this became one of my most streamed songs this season, but the performance was ace as well, even if i’m not sure about the sweater/nerd aesthetic. although at the same time, i can’t really imagine what it should have been instead?

5. ukraine (+13) probably the biggest grower for me this year! i adore it. it feels like a trip, a punch in the gut, it tur11ns your world around. oh, i love it so much.

6. lithuania (+3) the most solid song of the season. i just didn’t grow tired of it, and it’s been out since what, january? 

7. russia (-1) she’s just. a queen. an icon. i love her. 

8. norway (-3) this song and this man just makes me soft. i feel for him so much.

9. sweden (-7) oh tusse deserved so much better!! i get why we didn’t score that well in this year so i’m not mad but, in statistics, this place is equal to robin stjernberg in 2013 and that’s just.... WRONG. robin wasn’t even the winner of the televote in melfest that year. and tusse won EVERY age category this year. we love him! he deserved better.

10. france (+5) i’m still not best friends with this song but i, too, can see the appeal of this, i can see why it’s good, it’s just not for me. 

11. bulgaria (-3) beautiful... but a bit boring after a while, no?

12. san marino (-8) yeah it’s senhit’s vocals that sinks this but I STILL LOVE THE SONG and i stand by that. they deserved so much better.

13. moldova (-3) it lacked live.. but the song still hits

14. cyprus (+14) oh look a grower!! the lyrics still make me cringe but DAMN elena is a good performer. i have to give her that.

15. finland (+10) like i said in my first post i’m glad that people like it and that finland gets to do well, especially considering their results ever since.. softengine? but it’s not for me.

16. netherlands (-3) i still love the vibe of it all. deserved better.

17. serbia (+18) clown nose on. maybe i did enjoy this in the end after all.

18. azerbaijan (+4) it’s a bop but like, a hollow bop? it’s okay.

19. croatia (+2) deserved qualification! i enjoyed it.

20. portugal (+17) the power of staging, folks. hot damn.

21. spain (+1) no this was beautiful actually. even though this is the song i’ve had the hardest time to remember this season.

22. uk (-6) the song is good but james is not a performer and bbc can’t stage for shit. there’s that.

23. greece (+9) so stefania is great live! but the staging was not as cool as they thought it was and i still don’t really like the song.

24. albania (+7) it’s still very albanian 101 but sacha can create magic and angela sings it really well.

25. denmark (+8) maybe i saw some appeal in this after all. it’s cute. 

26. germany (-12) in my first post i said uk was like a chewing gum but no, THIS is the chewing gum of the year. and now by the final all flavour was gone and could barely blow a bubble anymore.

27. israel (+7) you can only polish a turd so much i’m afraid.

28. austria (+2) the staging for this was beauuuutiful and i love the chord progression in the melody. but it still gets a bit repetitive.

29. romania (-3) roxen did do everything right but it wasn’t enough in this competition i’m afraid.

30. belgium (-7) i never got around to it, i still like the verses but not the chorus, it’s just.. boring.

31. slovenia (-12) yeah, i let it go. it’s ok but not more.

32. czechia (-15) ohhh this is nooot how you stage something like this. it needed so much more. i’m sad, i still like the studio.

33. australia (-4) it’s just. too weak! verses are nice but the chorus is just not working for me at all. 

34. north macedonia (+2) i gotta give him that the performace was quite nice even though the song is corny in the bad way as fuuuuc

35. ireland (-15) oh lesley ): why did you let me down like this

36. georgia (-12) still a great song to rock forth and back in a hammock to. just wanna lie in one and listen to all the sounds of nature when i hear this. but in the competition? it’s a no from me.

37. latvia (-25) yup, this years biggest let down by FAR. and poor samata was off key for the most part. i can’t rank this higher even if i like the song a bit.

38. poland (+1) still cringe as fuck ew but it lowwwwwkey bops so

39. estonia (-1) nope. just no.

[dontthinkonithermione]

You like anime? Would you be willing to share some of your favorites or suggestions? I've always wanted to try it out but I have no idea where to start 😳 And you seem like you would have good taste!

Yes! I love anime. It makes up part of my DNA. Boy I both love and hate this question because I really REALLY want to do you justice…. So I’m just not gonna overthink this and speak from the heart on it. 

In no particular order:

Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood. It is a classic. The end. It has everything one could really ask for in terms of an anime story. Adventure, a SOLID world, amazing story, heartfelt ensemble cast with meaningful relationships. Plenty of characters to fall in love with. Watch it! ✨

Ancient Magus Bride – More of a Magical anime! Came out on Crunchyroll 2 years ago I believe? Soft lovable magic demon giant thing who takes care of a smol skittish young girl and teaches her as his apprentice. Chosen family. You will cry. 

Snow White With The Red Hair – Fairytale anime! Love! Adventure! Romance! This is just an all time favorite of mine. Know how most shows create drama by misconstruing character’s words and motives and causing “conflict” by telling lies, etc? This show doesn’t do that at all. Which, when you think about it, that in and of itself deserves some kind of award. How do you have a show with nothing but understading, compassion, and love? How is that interesting?? This anime will show you. Seriously underrated. 

Psychopass – Syfy action anime! Seasons 1 is really, really great. Just a well done show. Gets you hooked!

Eden of The East – Mystery anime! I watched this in college and was obsessed. Beautiful art. Beauuuutiful. Compelling story.

Parasyte – I love romance cutie pie anime, but also kinda messed up anime (of which there are many *cough* Devilman Crybaby*). This sassy little alien takes over a high schooler and well….they’re normally out to eat the humans but they become “friends” and share culture and try to save civilization – kinda. Super funny Syfy anime. Gory, beware.

Devilman Crybaby had me stare at a blank wall for 3 hours once I’d finished it and contemplated my life. Watch at your own risk. Literally. 

If I think of more I’ll reblog them onto this post. I know I’m missing some, but this is a great start! And anime movies lord don’t even get me started on those. Cry fest. Cry city.

[riverdalenerdlol]

My favorite shots of Sprousehart from the MET last night

Because I’m bored and I wanna

Lili Reinhart (I’ve got two lol):

I love the top one because of the way her chin is angled, as well as the little fade on the left side. It’s very elegant and simple, yet the angle makes it more intriguing. The second one is gorgeous because of the light behind Lili. This shot is super regal and legitimately looks like a portrait you would find of Marie Antoinette in the Palace of Versailles. I love both of these.

Cole Sprouse:

I really like this one because it seems like one of the clearest ones. He’s not doing anything goofy, but he looks relaxed and I like that. There isn’t really anyone else in the background (besides other photographers that are blurred), which helps me to focus on Cole. Even though the theme was one of the more eccentric and his look was a side of his style that we haven’t really seen, he still looks like himself and I really like that.

Sprousehart:

This was hands down my favorite shot of the two of them (and it’s really fueling my inspiration for writing). It’s a full body shot of Lili and those beauuuutiful legs in those tuxedo shorts I want to steal, as well as Cole being Cole and trying not to step on her train. Speaking of that train, it’s just a beautiful shot because we can see under the train. I feel like that’s a really cool thing to be able to see how the train fans out across the floor and that gives Lili a powerful sort of look because you can see the magnitude of her dress. It actually makes them look like a King and Queen exiting their palace to slay the world and I am obsessed with it.

Honorable mention:

Do I really need to explain this one? It’s so goddamn funny and I love it. It’s obvious they’re either hammered or trying to troll the world because they’re happy and shit. Maybe both. Probably both. It’s just so goofy and PDA-full and I love it.

This is a beautiful shot. That’s it. That’s the explanation. ITS GORGEOUS.

What. A. Goof. This screams Cole. He would have done this whether the cameras would have been there or not.

Bonus:

That’s some god-tier shit right there.

[zukadiary]

Mugen Musou / Krung Thep ~ Moon Troupe 2019

Over the length of my trip I saw a pretty fair cross section of this show—way back in mid-March pre-Krung Thep changes in Takarazuka; the live viewing of Takarazuka raku with Miya’s sayonara show included; and last week in Tokyo, the first full day of Reiko’s absence with the cast changes in place. 

I solidly did not enjoy Mugen Musou. I love Tamaki’s Tsukigumi, I love Miya Rurika and was so glad I had the opportunity to see her last show, and no one’s treatment in Mugen Musou was able to save it for me. I think perhaps if you read and enjoyed the novel, and also love Tsukigumi, there’s a decent chance that you’ll like this. I did not read the novel, and it felt very much like I had to as a prerequisite. 

There was an awful lot jammed into an hour and a half. The flow of the show bothered me; there were so many scenes, they changed so quickly, and none of them felt very substantial to me. In Saito-sensei’s attempt to cover as much plot as humanly possible, I think he lost the characters; while I understood generally what was going on, I did not immediately get who many of the characters were, how they knew each other, or why many of them were doing what they were doing. 

That provided a poor setup for my biggest gripe: I recognize that I am an American, and I am not necessarily the intended audience, and that this is certainly a big part of Japanese history and culture, but in the year 2019, the whole samurai honor I-must-kill-everyone-just-to-prove-I’m-strongest thing is not very compelling to me. If accompanied by moving character relationships (which, I hear, the novel has in spades), I can definitely give it a pass; but in the absence of onstage character development, that as the standalone force driving the story was simply not interesting or relatable enough to me to be enjoyable.

With a few exceptions—and this probably just goes back to the overall lack of character development—I thought most of the characters were ill fitted to their actresses. I don’t even think anyone did a poor job, everyone really gave it their best effort; my hang up lies entirely with the directorial choices, and I guess the choice of this show in general. I find Tamaki the most charming when she’s fully in wholesome ideal husband mode. I finally watched Elisabeth recently and liked her Tod a lot more than I expected also, so that was a fair out-of-the-box choice for her. The samurai with something to prove for no good reason other than that he’s embarrassed about his dad did not hit me where I want Tamaki to hit me. Otsu is not really presented with much depth; she’s pretty demure, and she spends the whole show waiting around for men to come back to her and gets sad when they break their promises. I was hoping we’d get something that would allow Sakura to show off her strengths a little more in her Grand Theater debut (although she did play the flute for real). I wanted more pining between Otsu and Musashi, but I didn’t really get it, and what there was seemed kind of one-sided on Otsu’s part. Kojiro, too, was one-note; I’m not sure what there was to him other than “the strongest dude” (oh, and he wears a cross, so he’s CHRISTIAN. That’s BACKSTORY). Miya did her damnedest, and she did manage a kind of cold sexy anime boy vibe, but again, especially for her last show, this was just not the kind of character I most enjoy seeing her play, nor did it play to her strengths in my opinion (with truly all the love in my heart for this woman, I have to say she cannot swordplay her way out of a wet paper bag). On my first viewing I thought Ari was the villain, but after the other two I don’t think there even is a villain; Ari seems to be just a stern guy from a dojo (that Musashi passed through when he was weak and thus *had to* defeat in its entirety when he got strong). Again, I don’t really know what his motivation was, and the character didn’t show off any of Ari’s charms, or challenge her in a meaningful way to try something different. Very few other people got roles substantial enough to be worth mentioning. 

I DID enjoy some specific things:

Reiko’s character, Matahachi, was my favorite, and her portrayal was my favorite. Matahachi had personality, and amidst all this very serious samurai glory business going on, he had sort of his own contrary subplot that I found much more entertaining. He’s a loyal friend to Musashi, but also lazy, kinda dumb, and utterly useless. He runs away from home with Musashi in the beginning, but while Musashi is off on his quest for ultimate strength, Matahachi pretty much gives up, spends a lot of time sleeping in a brothel, has to do manual labor for 5 minutes and gets tired of it, and eventually happens upon a dying man who is trying to carry some sort of scroll of certification to Kojiro. Matahachi is thrilled at his great fortune; he takes the scroll from the dead guy and uses it to steal Kojiro’s identity, attracting hordes of women and scaring away thugs on his “reputation.” His aging parents WALK OUT OF THEIR TINY HOMETOWN with the purpose of finding him and bringing him home, and successfully find him and embarrass him in front of all his swooning admirers. I saw Oda on the first day she took over this role, and I wish I could have seen her after a little more warmup. She didn’t have the charm that endeared me to Reiko’s Matahachi, but she sure can hold her own with the rest of the upperclassmen in terms of acting and stage presence. 

Toki-chan as Akemi, a girl who Sachika’s character took into her brothel and raised, gave me the heart-wrenching yearning I wanted from Musashi and Otsu. In the very first scene after the prologue, Akemi and Musashi are walking and talking (she’s taken a liking to him). Musashi finds a bell on the ground and sticks it into Akemi’s obi. For the remainder of the show, Akemi jingles softly with every appearance and every movement, haunted via sound by the reminder of her unrequited love for Musashi, making all of her longing looks more poignant. 

There’s a scene at the end where Musashi sees a ghost/memory of his father (Shimon). Dad is like WHY DID YOU DO ANY OF THIS? and Musashi doesn’t really have an answer. Same, dad. 

I loved Krung Thep so much the first time I saw it. Then it went through some changes, and I cooled a little on it, but still thought it was really good overall. 

It’s been a 2-act heavy year so far, and Estrellas and Krung Thep (as of me writing this 2 days before Yukigumi shonichi) have been our only revues. I thought that for the most part the music in Krung Thep was beautiful, not really in a jam to the soundtrack way like Estrellas, but in a really nice ambient way; there are a lot of bells and other interesting sounds that we don’t get as frequently. It also has a dazzling gold aesthetic, the kind of spectacle you want as a Takarazuka lover going into a revue.

There were for sure some questionable moments. The boy band number (albeit this time with Sakura at the center of the boys), which, much to my chagrin, seems to have become a revue staple regardless of director, was originally THIS SONG, which I happen to know and love thanks to this Japanese version, so I forgave its presence. This was one of the three numbers that got the axe before filming day, and they replaced it with a synth remix of the Takarazuka classic C’est Magnifique. That rendered it no longer forgivable. The chuuzume was very long and set to Shall we Dance, but like... only the chorus over and over and over and over again with varying flair. It was also turbans doing absolutely nothing to disguise Daisuke’s favorite Latin ruffles, and, if not for the King and I undercurrent, it wouldn’t have fit with the rest of the show whatsoever. A King and I medley maybe would’ve been nice?

Standout numbers:

The first or second number after the prologue (depending on when you think the prologue ends) is a Reiko vs. Ari kickboxing match. It’s hammy and ridiculous and goes on for two whole rounds, which seemed TOO LONG for how awkward it was the first time I saw it... but then when the fight ends, they break into a song about “male friendship” and how they love each other no matter who wins or loses. After that I was stoked, and on subsequent viewings appreciated every detail down to their girlfriends and trainers in the audience.

There’s a beauuuutiful barefoot duet dance between Tamaki and Miya

Mayupon in drag singing in at least 3 octaves flawlessly. There’s an alternate timeline, perhaps a brighter one, where I’m just in Mayupon’s club

Admittedly one of my least favorite revue tropes where there’s a nightclub and a girl and a terrible boyfriend and a new guy who shows up and someone gets jealous and has a gun and the wrong person always dies... but this time Ari is in hotpants

The Grand Hotel numbers in the sayonara show are probably too tough a contender, but the Krung Thep kuroenbi is not only great (messy tailcoats with rolled sleeves, mmmmm) but also almost the best little taidan gift for Miya in the whole thing. I don’t know how they’re going to splice the frames together for the DVD, but it opens with Miya singing a solo, and then she goes down into the floor as the kuroenbi is starting (making it look like she won’t even be in it). The rest of the otokoyaku dance a bit, then Miya comes back up out of the floor dressed to match, and everyone else hits one of those sexy lunges in formation, and then they all turn their heads to look at her in unison. Ugh.

I’m gonna miss Miya!!!!! And I hope Reiko is doing ok.

[marinarasarah]

I absolutely LOVED Captain Marvel! Saw it today and it was well worth my money. Like all other Marvel movies it was filled with humor, action and beautiful people.

Just so you know, there are 2 scenes to wait for after the movie. This is all I'm gonna say about the movie because I don't wanna spoil you.

Also, I love Brie Larson and Gemma Chan is beauuuutiful! 😍

[spyxfan]

I Like a Beautiful Guy

I Like a Beautiful Guy

“I am Strong” I am a woman who is tough to anyone who isn’t my type. Whether he be ugly or decent looking it doesn’t matter. My weakness is a beauuuutiful guy! However I haven’t found anyone yet… “Wait for me beautiful guys, I, Choi Mi Ra will find you!

[room4creation]

Got to the airport about a million hours early so … let’s recap for the laughs and chuckles

Bullet points to stay on task

1. Americans can actually be like fine, and lovely and great people lol but also super annoying which is fair. Could be said of anyone. There’s a LOT of Americans in lisbon for some reason - I’m guessing it’s cheap to fly out here for them. But I think my perception of Americans has changed.

2. British boys suck.

3. It’s so weird when someone compliments u like oooookay!

4. We met these two American guys and one of them was such a whore it was unreal but i MUCH prefer that to someone being like “ur beautiful teehee” like get a grip?

5. Teaching Americans British (or rather hockey customs) custom… “weeeee like to drink w [insert name]…” etc, shooooes, ten ten ten… funny

6. Portuguese drinks are lethal

7. I’m never drinking tequila again.

8. We met this medical student who was Portuguese and he was interesting but also I felt soooo much PRESSURE like it was horrific 😭 I think it was defo all in my head like he was lovely but like I think if I talk to a man for more than like 10 minutes one on one I’m convinced he’s gonna try something and I’m like …. Naurr…

9. What else… we went to a few technaurrr bars / clubs / places that don’t just play hits so now I’m gonna drag my friends out in our uni city bc they like it / are not adverse to it … yay!

10. We were quite the menaces on this trip lol we got the instagrams of these random men in the car next to us when we were stuck on the tram and it turns out they were all police officers / in the army lol

11. W hindsight it was good we didn’t go out on Tuesday and just the one night on Wednesday bc omg… the next day was a write off and we weren’t on THAT sort of holiday, you know. So w hindsight I was an impatient cunt

13. I think I had the best day of my life on Wednesday. We went to Sintra which was absolutely beauuuutiful and walked around an old castle and then we went to this REALLY cool little beach pool and we were the only ones swimming in there … i wish we could have stayed for longer. And then in the night we went ooooout on the toooon and got trollied and it was hilarious so many funny moments and then hooome and it was such a good day.

12. Nothing else to say. It was good :P what a tiiiime to be alive

It’s been a laugh, it really has…