#like ? i dont think im bad at my job but its just so affirming

[way2gosuperrstarr]

ok sometimes i like to think of the blorbos/dca seeing me at work when i think i do something cool

[matheoxs]

hi how are u! i love ur posts, and i know u dont speak about the void much, but i wanted to send this to you anyways and maybe get your thoughts?

so i fully have the assumption that i get into the void every night in my 4d, and that the 3d will conform. i trust and believe in my subconscious that it will. but ever since realizing this, i've been rlly depressed about the 3d.

i have no motivation to do anything bcs i know it's all gonna change yk? like im physically doing the bare minimum now vs how i was before loa (studying, working, etc) bcs whats the point if it's going to completely change.

i don't enjoy what i used to enjoy before, it feels meaningless. i'm completely detached from my 3d now that ik it's not permanent, and i pretty much just spend my days thinking about the void and my 4d. i visualize and think about how grateful i feel that it will conform in the 3d. and when i see how messed up my 3d is slowly starting to get (yes from my own assumptions that its getting worse lol), i remind myself i just have to deal with this for a little more. just a little more and it'll all change.

i know i could just assume that everything is fine and it's not getting worse but i rlly dont feel like it bcs again, it'll all change anyways so whats the point. i know its prob not a healthy mindset but i wont be in this reality for much longer yk.

i'm just curious to know if you've ever have thoughts like this in your manifesting journey? if so, how did you deal with them? are there any words of encouragement you could give to me? i would really appreciate it. thank you so much!

Yes, of course! But first, I would love to ask you some questions.

1. Do you spend a lot of time consuming posts about the void state, even though you already know almost everything about it? What I mean is, are you on Tumblr every day, just consuming post after post? That can actually be unhealthy because your main focus will be solely on that, and it’s what you’ll keep thinking about.

Now, I’m going to be gentle with you. I understand how it feels when you affirm something, but the 3D doesn’t change no matter what. I get it —it can be exhausting.

Yes, it's okay to feel tired and sad about it. As you mentioned, it’s all going to change; it will, trust me.

I feel like you’re assuming something to be true, but then you can’t help but look at the 3D. That’s what’s happening here.

Here is what I suggest:

Are you tired of trying? Stop trying.

If you see unfavorable circumstances and feel bad, allow yourself to feel that way. Don’t push those feelings away; you’re still a human being experiencing life.

Then, when you’re ready, directly turn to your imagination and do whatever you desire.

You must realize that you have been assuming all your life. This isn’t something new take a moment to recognize that.

…

…

…

Done? Now, while you were assuming, were you looking at the 3D? Were you forcing anything? Or did you just know it was true in your imagination and keep assuming that in your mind that it pushed out?

When you expect the 3D to change, you’re already looking for proof, which indicates that you’re not fully confident in your assumption. This means you haven’t accepted it as true.

We often assume a lot of things without proof in our daily lives.

The "how" is none of your concern; it’s not your job to change the 3D.

Your job is to assume something in your imagination and keep assuming (persisting) that because that’s the truth now.

Assuming and persisting is easy; you just have to understand that when you affirm something in your imagination, it becomes real instantly.

Let me give you an explanation of how the law of assumption works, as if you were a 1-year-old.

Say you have a red shirt, but you don’t like it, so you decide to go with the yellow one. When you look in the mirror, you still see the red shirt.

What are you going to do? You’ll wait for the mirror to reflect the yellow shirt because you know you have the yellow shirt. No matter what the mirror shows, you know you’ve put on the yellow shirt, and eventually, the 3D will reflect that. Why? Because you knew you already had the yellow shirt on.

If you have the yellow shirt but you look at the mirror and it shows something different, and you let that be instead of remembering that you already put the yellow shirt on, you’d be waiting for the 3D to validate you.

And this is also what people get confused about: you can assume something in your imagination, but if you look at the 3D knowing that it will show your manifestation because you know you have it in your imagination, then yes, that’s okay. But if you’re assuming something and searching for it in the 3D, then you’re basically saying you don’t have it in the 4D

Do you understand now?

Remember, you’re not your thoughts; you’re aware of them. So make them work in your favor :)

Please also to mention take care of yourself; you’re still human

And do that while knowing it’s done in the 4D

[cogbreath]

ngl even tho i had faith in both you and allah that whatever you had done would not be the end of you i WAS worried still so yeah like everyone else is saying i'm also rly glad that you're recovering. congrats on surviving life's bullshit yet again my friend. may the next one maybe be less painful tho bc that did/does not sound like a fun time

jazakallah khair ❤️

and i do wanna apologise for worrying you guys. we all do know that i didnt mean to but i do understand how even when we r aware of that, it can still hurt and be scary to see someone u care about end up in a situation like that and it can be confusing and frustrating cuz of the fact its so clearly not a good thing to do to oneself. but im rlly rlly thankful that despite all that you guys have it in your hearts to be so so gentle and kind to me which seriously means the world to me

im not entirely sure how bad my situation really was, because it's honestly difficult for me to remember how much i actually ended up drinking, my memory is rlly blurry about it but i do know that i did pass out for a while. i wasn't exactly worried at first that i felt that i needed to puke and legit was shocked when i started seeinf it turning red n shit. i wanfed to believe that somehow it was just something i ate that was also red but when i started tasting the taste of iron i Knew. because it seemed to be becoming more and more bloody i was like. "o fuck." i was still aware of ans believing in the resilience of the human body, reminding myself that people have literally survived getting hit with a particle beam in the head, but nonetheless it doesnt change the fact that vomiting blood is something associated with fatal outcomes. i guess honestly it really doesn't matter either way what the true severity of it was and i shouldn't trouble myself too much about trying to figure it out because no matter what, it was a dangerous and bad situation to be in. also im not detailing more now about what happened so as to be shocking or graphic but like i just want to be honest about it so i can help process it and help u guys have more clarity on what happened now that im not as delirious and panicked as i was when it all went down

i wasnt scared to die and honestly no matter what never will be because of the way my brain is wired about the concept of death, but what i was most scared of was that ppl i care about and that allah would be mad at me. so it helps a lot to have that affirmed that nobodys mad at me and nobody thinks that i'm stupid or had it coming

sorry if this is more than u expected as a response, but you guys are some of the only people i can feel comfortable being truly deeply honest with. i dont ever intend to trouble you with things that arent your job to manage and i dont intend to freak people out. but maybe thats not nice to assume thats what anyone is thinking. ily

[vvh0adie]

okay i had something else typed up that was waaay longer but fuck it

tw: mentions of depression, dysphoria, police brutality, and passive/active suicidal ideations, US election, implications of death

yall im suffering from dysphoria, depression that evolved the egregious month of may 2020- so now its every summer, this years police brutality, the election and ideations that are teetering on the passive and active state

i must do something now or i may not be with yall

i have to leave the internet right now

i have a month left till college and its bugging me really bad cuz im alone in my room with no other peers 24/7. this is not helping my loneliness

technically yall are my only "friends" cuz i have none in irl, so this may be so fucking counterproductive but i started socials in 2019 ive gone longer without physical and internet friends as a teen cuz i waited until adulthood to get on this shit ass place. i have to make this sacrifice to save myself or i wont even be able to come back to yall. im so sorry

hopefully to ease you and myself, here are some goals that you can think about with me so i can pull through:

aug 21 - i move into my dorm

aug 26 - class starts

personal - start writing original stories

personal - working on my dorm amazon wishlist

personal - gender affirming care: social transitioning

personal - start drawing again

personal - start working a remote job or open an art store

while im gone feel free to inbox or tag me in anything you like so i have motivation come back and see all your wonder stuff

i think i owe it to yall, especially over the internet, to voice this so you just dont live with anxious thoughts over me not responding over a long period of time or that ive completely given up

im leaving because i havent. i just have a really big challenge to overcome or really prevent

im finna catch this shit right now cuz i dont want to be active. am i happy with how shit is? Absolutely Not!

do i want to get gone to the ancestral plane? NO! NOT YET, DAMN😭

but i have got to go and i hope you guys can support me on this

i have deleted all social apps off my phone, chrome on the computer and will be logging out.

just know on a scale of 10, im at a 4.5 - so like im literally on the fence. if i dont go now and do something about myself, i may slip into active state

i tend to pathologize instead of feel my emotions but i am highly aware that shit aint right. where i would have just layed in bed and wallowed, i now have to get my shit together or i will be in the ground

for those worried about my irl support system, i have my parents

thank you to everyone who has ever interacted with me. if i have any updates, they will be here; very short and sweet so i can log off

i hope everyone has a great rest of their summer

okay bye bye. i love you

[intersexfairy]

using tumblr as a journal for a moment. parents just gaslit the fuck out of me i think. its a long disorganized rant becaus ei cant fucking process whatever the hell just happened.

i came back from an appt with my GP and came home to tell my parents about it. he referred me to a new cardio and gave me a referral for neurosurgey. so. i tell my parents. and they barely reply. so i keep asking if they understand how serious this is, why they wont reply.

it turns into lecturing me about how i need to do more around the house. how i need to lose weight. they use any example of me doing anything to ask why im not doing chores. they demand i use what little energy i have on housework. i asked if i was selfish and they basically affirmed. my dad told me to stop focusing on all these doctors and go get a job.

i told them i have nerve damage. everything i do hurts. i told them im being evaluated for a serious disorder wiht ptoentailly fatal complications. i told them the time they DENIED ME MEDICAL CARE, i partially dislocated my knee, and my PT says so. they. just kept. attacking me. they always bring up the "we can't take care of you forever" "what are you gonna do when we're gone" and i told them i'd suffer bc i can't take care of myself and their frustration with having to take care of me (WHICH THEY BARELY FUCKING DO) is their burden. they chose to be parents.

my dad told me he didnt sign up to be a parent. he didnt sign up to take care of me for life because he has to take care of my mom (also doesnt do that either). im a fucking dead beat child to them. i was crying in front of them. my dad demands i do a family session and wants a release to talk to my therapist. when i said i wanted privacy and i dont trust him, he said he has a right to my medical records if he has to take care of me. he said maybe i need someone to decide what's right for me if i keep making bad decisions.

i kept trying to walk away and they kept saying not t walk away, we're not walking away, i told them i didnt want to talk and they guilted me, manipulated me, made me feel like i was the bad guy. my dad said i'm just lazy and i'm choosing to not be able to do things like chores.

i finally got fed up and took my laptop/etc. to my room. shut myself in here and now im trying to get high or incapactiated. got tehrapy tonight. 5:30pm est. fuck everthing

[revoltinggirl-urethra]

sometimes the internalized transphobia has hands and i get into this weird nervous state where the direction of my life and my transition seem very surreal to me, and it results in a weird push back against affirmations. theres this weird distrust that taints others liking me or finding my identity to be valid and on occasion it feels as if the only thing id willingly accept is cruel criticism and debasement (which i at the same time deeply fear).

im not sure if this specific phenomenon has some formal name or whatever but its annoying because self-affirmations and validation from support systems generally should Help these kinds of anxieties, but it becomes a hefty mental exercise to open my mind to them without feeling bad. im not really sure what alternatives there are without just sucking it up and shoving myself through my day with confidence even if im not feeling it, in hopes that the feelings eventually ebb and wont return for a while. talking about dysphoria still feels extremely vulnerable and i kind of hate doing it

i think this is why, when i first discovered the reactionary detransitioner community, my initial emotions tended towards melancholic sympathy and irritation at the way their existence is treated by some people i knew. im not defending their beliefs by any means and i wholly understand why theyd be so hated (i certainly would not want to have a conversation with one), but i also can understand the feelings that would take them down those lines of thought. that intense fear of rejection and indeed the rejection of the self doesnt feel great, and when they spiral into that being their dominant mind state, that rejection can be mirrored in how the community can sometimes react.

anyway. i should probably look into better methods of managing my dysphoria, because it ruins my day every once in a while and i would rather it not ! i dont really have any answers to any of the things i bring up in this post but it is nice to get some of it off my chest. im starting my first job that ill be openly trans at, and its scary !! hopefully the environment is welcoming and i can get over my damn self lol

[sysmedsaresexist]

Maybe its bad on my part but im native, trans, bi, afab and disabled... Ill never get an actual diagnosis just because of one of those but all 5? No way and tbh... I dont think it'll do me any good other than give me another hurdle when it comes to getting gender affirming care or adopting or even getting treated like an adult. Me and my system are ok and i dont experience distress from my system enough to think i need psychological help.

Idk if i can handle some white ass cishet abled doctor walking up and saying i dont have it and gaslighting me.

I hope this dosent conceded cause thats not my intention but even though im anti-endo, i get their distrust in the medical system and why diagnosis is something many wont persue. 1 because many of them know the doctor will diagnosis them correctly(as having trauma or having something different) and 2 because american doctors are not a safe place like... Ever. If your not a cishet abled white man.

So, a lot to cover here.

I'm white, afab, trans, bi, with multiple partners. I was diagnosed at about 21, and I've been in and out of therapy ever since. I'm also Canadian. Getting diagnosed was the best thing to ever happen for me, and I have several friends with the same experience.

And several who had bad experiences.

My experience will not be everyone's.

I am not pushing for anyone to get diagnosed. Doing so is a personal choice, and a decision that should be made by you, and your therapist if you have one. There are many reasons someone might get diagnosed (access to resources and specific care, financial support, etc) and just as many reasons someone might not want to get diagnosed. You also don't need a diagnosis to get the help you need.

What I DO want to people to hear is: whatever decision you make, do it with the REAL facts.

If you're going to choose not to get diagnosed, don't do it based on bullshit you see or hear on the internet. I made a post several months ago about someone going around saying that a diagnosis will stop you from getting housing, a job, and being able to buy alcohol, of all things, as if you have to present your mental papers to the cashier.

None of those are true. Gender affirming care also can be still be given and received, with an added step of a psychiatric evaluation (which is mandatory in Canada anyways for everyone, regardless of mental health, so if you think about it, you're not really losing anything). You can still adopt and have a family. You can own a home and have a job.

If you take anything away from my blog, it should be this:

Know your rights, and know how to exercise them

There are assholes everywhere, I'm not denying that. There are people who will bend rules and laws and who will use personal information (like diagnoses) against you. I'm not blaming anyone who has had this happen to them, either, as if they should have preemptively known better. No, that's not it at all.

Being aware that it happens, though, know that you have rights-- you're protected by employment, privacy, and human rights laws (yes, even in America, I debunk more American myths than Canadian). You do not need to disclose for work, except for positions in the military, certain healthcare positions, and when working with vulnerable sectors, and even in those cases, not always, and it can't affect their decision to hire you. You don't need to disclose for housing. You don't need to tell anyone anything, and you shouldn't, unless you need reasonable accommodations, and once they have that information, it can't be used against you. Don't let them. Easier said than done, I know, I've let things slide myself that, looking back, I wish I hadn't. Sometimes it's just easier, even if it's not right.

Point is, when in doubt, question everything. Do your own research, find your own answers, look for sources, question facts you see that aren't cited.

When you make decisions for yourself, be certain you're making it for the right reasons, and with the right information.

[snickerdoodlles]

so... secretly fake breakup? because i fucking hate breakup-timeskip shit i HATE it but otoh the already did secret relationship and they were bad at it idk idk

i. i really have no idea. im so confused tbh??

i was pretty convinced there wouldn't be a breakup period because

1.) neither of them bent to conform to outside pressures before and while those pressures weren't their parents, Pat and Pran were pretty fucking defiant about it. as I'm so fond of saying, Pat and Pran have always chosen each other and there's no going back from them being in a relationship. they'd been separated before, they hated it, and right now they're adults and have a freedom their high school selves dont

2.) they've beaten us over the head with marriage/elopement and honeymoon allusions. between last episode with "its a yes" and this honeymoon episode (even tho the honeymoon was constantly undercut by the tension they're feeling from their families), not to mention Pran outright saying he could do anything so long as he had Pat, they're...pretty fucking committed to each other

3.) the sex. like. taking that step isn't huge in the sense that i don't think it'd change how close Pat and Pran are to each other, but previously it felt like they weren't yet ready for that step in part because they were waiting for the fallout with their parents. so them coming together (...pun not intended) in this episode felt more like an affirmation of that and their commitment to each other

4.) it's been said over and over and over that this isn't PatPran vs individuals, but PatPran vs their toxic environment. we literally have Uncle Tong telling them that maybe he can't change the environment by himself, but he won't let it change him. that's quite literally the closing argument of this episode, the last bit of advice imparted on Pat and Pran before they go back to face their families. Bad Buddy doesn't just throw in stuff like that for the hell of it, that advice absolutely means something

4.5) the new song. im still trying to process my emotions over those lyrics so its a .5 until i can read and absorb the lyrics properly but like. THAT SONG

and the thing is i'm so convinced they wouldn't break up, my first thought after seeing the preview was "okay so this is a prank." which doesn't make sense--the previews have done a great job of capturing the vibe of the next episode without spoiling too much, and they wouldn't show a preview that outright lies. but it's such a whiplash and so counter to everything i was built up to expect that i just...can't believe it???? like. i've been pretty good at predicting where this show will go so far. canon always manages to go beyond my expectations, but the narrative has just been a natural conclusion to the threads that were laid down before

but a breakup ISNT

so yeah like. is it a fake breakup??? that honestly still doesnt make sense, but it makes more sense than a genuine breakup??? i wish i had a clue but honestly im so lost as to what this could mean because its just not the narrative we've been watching so far. it's the last episode too, a whole fake breakup + a timeskip + a reunion (whether it's just a reunion between 2 people or a relationship reunion) is A LOT to cover in just one episode. Bad Buddy can handle fast paced narratives well, but that's a lot even for them

I'm sorry nonny, I really wish i had a more coherent answer or reassurances or even just a prediction for you, but I'm just. lost. really, really fucking lost as to what the previews could mean, and tbh I don't know that I'll stop being lost until we see what the fuck is going on in ep12

[matches-is-meow]

Hello! I'm here to request a romantic MHA matchup if you could please! I'm a 16 year old female but I look and act mature for my age(due to trauma) so I often get mistaked as an 18 year old or even older sometimes. Some good qualities of mine are maturity, level headedness, and then I can be motherly. Some bad traits can include bluntness, coming off as cold, and stubbornness. I'm an introvert so i hate being around crowds and speaking infront of people I also have social anxiety so that doesn't help... I would much prefer staying at home watching anime and petting my pets than going out... More of my fun and loud side comes out around my friends or the right people. My hobbies or things I enjoy include hanging out with friends, swimming, listening to music, art, laying in bed on my phone, animals(I want to work with animals as a job), watching anime, the ocean(I love water if I could choose a quirk it would be water based), stargazing(I love galaxies, the moon and stars I find everything so fascinating), the colors black, blue, purple, then finally goth/emo style and aesthetic! Some dislikes of mine are bananas, P.E./sports(volleyball is okay tho), and men/father figures in my life-. My music taste includes the artists, The Neighborhood, Girl In Red, The Arctic Monkeys, Billie Eilish, Melanie Martinez, Alec Benjamin, Corpse, and Conan Gray! I'm bisexual/omnisexual so either gender could work but in mha I lean towards having a stronger preference for the guys compared to the girls so do with that what you will. Traits I dislike in others are immaturity, impatience, disrespect, pushing boundaries, and not listening. Traits I look for in others are respect, kindness, understanding, patience, and humor. A bit about my appearance is I have longish black hair, pale skin, freckles, i'm a bit chubby, and tall(5'8). Im also very insecure and I doubt myself a lot but I'm trying to work on that! Some love languages include words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch and sometimes acts of service. I have mental and physical health issues so I would need someone who could accept and be able to handle that. I would also need someone that would accept that I have trauma as well. I would want this relationship to be a two way thing so its very important that they give the same effort I'm giving into the relationship. I would prefer not to be matched with Denki, Bakugou, Iida, Tokoyami or any adult since I'm a minor. I think thats it... I'm sorry if I missed anything you needed or if this is to long! I understand if you don't get to me right away! I hope your having a nice day! Thank you!

alrighhhhtttttt girly pop thanks so much for asking, i really appreciated the specificity in the ask. and look, i know you said that you you leaned to the guys but i feel like you would mesh really well with Tsuyu if you didnt specify a dude. yall have similar vibes. But i eventually just decided against it, but uhhhhh heres your matchup!! i had a ton of fun writing this one.

and your matchup isss…… *drumroll*

Shoto Todoroki (yay!)

Todoroki made a very conscious effort not to get crushes on anybody, ever. He had seen how damaging relationships could get, and there was always an ambiguous fear that he would turn out like his father. Sooo very celibate he was.

until uh oh spegettio!! you dont choose who you are and what you love in this world!!!

He would not consider himself hot headed; he would not. He would not consider himself cold hearted; he would not. But somehow emotion flowed and ebbed easier with sensible, level headed you around.

or maybe…

maybe it was the time you sat him down and asked him how he was doing. What? Why did you ask him, what favor did you owe him? was this… just your nature? to care about people, care about him?

what probably reallllly did him in was the brief glimpses of affection you gave him. Little shoulder touches here, the touch of an arm there, barely noticeable to anyone not utterly starved of affection.

Todoroki is very starved of affection.

He would pine, long, and yearn for so long before asking you on a date. It would be weeks, months, years, even if he could wait that long.

He would ask you out in a carefully planned scenario with every variable double and triple checked.

he probably wrote a script of what he was going to say and deadass pulled it out to you in front of your face.

hes trying his best honey

He was very awkward at first, but after a couple of dates,,,,, oooh boy, he treats you like a queen.

he is so determined to not be like his dad that he will literally be the textbook definition of ”healthy stable relationship”

Mans opens the door, pulls out the chair, splits the check, after you beg for half of it, glares at mineta, remembers your birthday,, wow.

and. the best thing of all. is how he gets it. he knows how it is to just HATE. your father figure and to have a lot of trauma. he feels just such empathy because hes been there.

If you wanna rant, he's there.

you wanna pretend that father figures are just a societal hallucination, he’s there

if you wanna be held close, he’s there.

he thinks your so great, by the way. you ground him with your honesty when he feels like the world is drifting away a bit, and, not to be weird but he feels super happy on the inside that you have social anxiety because he gets a little scared that something bad might happen to you, and he loves quality time with his queen!

Also, sweetie, he has a sixth sense for when you feel insecure so just be prepared to be overly showered in love and affection when every you complain about yourself.

He is definitely a fan of nicknames, kinda gives darling and love kind of vibes.

oh, and one more thing.

he will kill for you.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

hey hidey hey! I have no clue what possessed me with the kinda edgy ending there, but Todoroki would not date someone he is not prepared to risk it all for, sooooooo yeah. Tysm internet person, it was a really neat profile to work with.

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

[jayflrt]

this is a lil heavy :( im sorry lice

why is it that every time a guy seems interested in me , the first thing i want to do is show why thats a bad idea or like, reject him on the spot. its just.. ive got the idea that love isnt smth that happens to me and anyone to ever do that (romantically) doesnt know me. i feel like if i dated, id always be wearing a cover around myself showing my best likeable parts only, or that id drive them away when i open up. at the same time,im also unprepared to bear the weight of them opening up, because im very bad giving advice/ sympathising. really ppl always said i was heartless for it, but some days i just dont have it it me, im always exhausted. the environment i was raised in also never gave me words of afffirmation/ listened to me so if thats like,,, expected of me id do a terrible job and make that person have wrong ideas.

and then there's expectations of stuff in anniversary, monthsavery, birthdays, and the whole process of getting toknow soemone, or being KNOWN by them that sounds so uncomfortable and excruciating i always fear that one day i may decide i dont want to love this person anymore and leave. i will say "its not you its me" and it will be true but nobody will believe me . in fantasies, yes its nice to be able to love and be loved, but in irl i just dont think i have it in me. maybe its the inexperience and it will go away. maybe it will forever be a part of me.

am i comfortable with being single ? yes ofc ive done so all my life.

does it get lonely? always. but i may be viewing love thru rose-tinted glasses more than i should, which is why anything realistic is scary.

p.s. i really do feel bad breaking his heart hes fr posting sad lyrics on his instagram stories. its a shame he was really cute and funny but...

it could be that you’re just not ready to date and that’s perfectly okay !! pushing people away is also sometimes a defensive mechanism to avoid intimacy and protect yourself from getting hurt, and i get it too bc falling in love + dating can be scary 🤧 and i also understand the environment with no words of affirmation bc i don’t think i’ve ever heard my parents say i love you ?? LOL but it is all the more intimidating to hear it from others bc of that. it’s also hard with lack of experience bc you don’t know what to do when you get to that level of dating someone and forming a serious relationship so you avoid getting to that stage overall 🥲

being in a relationship IS draining so don’t beat yourself up over feeling like you don’t have it in you right now !! it’s a lot of work and commitment and a great experience for ppl who feel like they’re ready for that first step and put in the work, but there’s never any rush to be ready and vulnerable with someone !! honestly it’s hard for me to imagine spending the rest of my life with someone ,, but that’s probably because i haven’t gotten to that point in my life yet :’)) i thought the same about graduating high school and going to college but yk here i am 😳

i think once you’re with someone you love you’ll be able to alleviate these worries !! i know you’re worried about falling out of love and leaving them, but those are situations that couples would talk through and work out. i’m not saying it’s gonna be all rainbows but yk you won’t have to just say “it’s not you it’s me” you’ll be able to have a full discussion about it and talk it through with your partner ♡

right now it’s maybe best to focus on other relationships in your life like your friendships !! starting to become vulnerable in those might prepare(??) you more to open up to a potential partner in the future !! :’)

[kuromichad]

man sometimes you realize youve spent days on end doing mindless non-tasks while idly thinking about how everything is bad and nothing ever gets better and youre not excited by anything or hopeful for anything and kinda dont like it when other people express any kind of wonderment or ‘excessive’ optimism because it makes you flinch and etc etc etc and then finally it clicks like... oh bro you have depression huh... i feel like every month or two i rediscover the concept of depression because i forget there are more types than like ‘letting a plain tortilla fall out of your mouth’ or ‘crying frequently’. even though i think the irritable cynical type is what i have the most often.

ive been very hostile to any kind of like sympathy in the form of ‘2020-onward has been hard for literally everyone’ or like ‘youve been dealing with a lot’ because im like. that cant be true because i’m lucky that no one in even my extended family has gotten covid and my parents and grandparents i leech off of are already retired/work from home and like. between stimulus and cares act stuff ive had more money in the past year than in like my whole life. and even though it’s been difficult due to Phone Calls and dealing with incompetent people i did get to start hrt. so really i’m very spoiled and i guess (clearly) i resent myself for that. 

but all of this still um. sucks? like to just. every single day have to hear bad news and then see 300 slightly different posts in reaction to the bad news that just really drive in how bad everything is. you get like ten minutes to laugh about ‘reddit steals money from wall street via gamestop’ before then having to see people repeat over and over how doomed and miserable it is that ‘the government is letting people die but will rush to help the stock market’ and its like i know. i know. i know. the worst possible thing is always what’s going to happen and there’s no levity in the world without a bitter aftertaste. it’s great. i’m used to feeling this way about my own life but it really is hard to have it driven in so incessantly and deeply regarding just, the whole universe, for almost a year, with no end in sight. everything is bad every single thing has a rotten core. 

i feel unbelievably fucking stupid for it but i feel like probably the hardest thing for me, like the most insidiously damaging, in the past year has been like. ok so. we all know i’m a cringe ass nae nae Disney Adult. i have no desire to like, actively behave like one, but i know in >current year to like any disney anything at all in public past age ten is considered like peak braindead behavior. and i understand Why and it’s not like i disagree that Disney Is Bad. but for me disney parks have always been a bit different, a bit removed from whatever bad movie or shitty corporate move, there’s a more genuine spirit there right, whatever, youve seen me go on about this before. but this year its very very clear theyre uh. behaving evilly with the parks now too. i’m exposed to constant discourse about this because of having a Disney Family who likes to watch Disney Vloggers constantly (yes yes i know youre sending missiles to my house ouuhhh the cringe oh it burns i deserve this oooh) and having to hear these people whine nonstop about why doesnt disneyland reopen wah wah, and reading about the massive cast layoffs, and just. yknow. disney acting how everyone who wasnt stupid like me expected them to act. it’s made it impossible to engage with the whole concept of theme parks which was obviously a major interest for me, probably (pathetically) pretty much the only ‘non-fandom’ interest i have, one of the few arenas i could actually picture myself Having A Job in and actually being happy, basically the only thing ive ever like cornily waxed poetic about in posts the way other people on here rhapsodize about the moon or gay kissing or the found family trope or whatever, Ugh Cringe. 

and i just cant have that anymore. i cant bear to think about my, like, Special Interest anymore, because everything on earth comes back to how theres money involved and everything about how we deal with money is evil and people are always suffering and corporations are always ruining everything and nothing ever ever ever ever gets better nothing will ever be okay. and having that in the back of your mind nonstop, with constant external affirmation, is like. not good for you. like i think maybe... guys... im maybe allowed to be depressed. even if i dont like, know anyone whos died. (my paternal grandma did die last spring but it wasn’t covid.) This is a great revelation to arrive at. i don’t know what to do with it now though. like it does feel good to be able to blame something like it’s external, like ohh okay i feel bad this week (the past two months) (the past year) (my whole life) Because Of Depression, but it doesn’t... solve it. it’s not preventing next week from being differently bad in a way that it’ll take me a while to recognize yet again. but like at least im not suicidal like 2018 <3 im just. frustrated and sad.

i also kinda dont know why i’m posting about this. i guess i don’t really talk on here anymore but i also feel like i’ve been exhausting my friends lately with my bad moods and in particular, my need to Talk About everything. (theoretically i know that being a person who copes by venting/needs to talk through their feelings is like, a value neutral thing, people are just different from each other. but since a percentage lower than 100 of my friends are not the same way i decide oh okay this is evil and revolting.) so im just kinda. getting it out. here’s how im doing, how about you,

[hypertronicmain]

Whatever's worth it

Today, was alot of work.

I woke up tired from staying up late last night. I could instantly feel my nose was congested and my sinuses were blocked. Didnt know if it was allergies or just bad sleep but i saw it coming nevertheless. My kitchen is disgusting, my room still half covered in dog fur, another job that would take a good hour to do. But it needs to be done.

I get to work at 2, there's a lot to take in, new location, new staff to meet, whole new work flow. it was like starting all over again, but this time I just knew how the business worked. I felt like i had mastered level 1, and this was level 2. But maybe I skipped a level or two, because now instead of just take away, I'm serving tables on two storeys as well as all the duties I had before. At least the food is better.

Got some motivation to finally look at exchange opportunities today as well. Keio uni in Tokyo looks really awesome. cant wait to study ghosts, goblins, anime and otaku literature. That really would be amazing. Its probably a year away but i cant wait to start preparing for it. I needed that bit of motivation, especially since ill need to save up some money for it.

Still thinking about whether I'll keep this job after the summer. Shifts are so grueling sometimes, They take up my whole days energy. The money would be nice, but I really don't need it, and I would rather put my energy into the things that I really want to do. My mother actually sent me an interesting article today.

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2021/aug/07/on-earth-4000-weeks-so-why-lose-time-online-distraction-oliver-burkeman

Dunno if it makes sense, but what i got out of it is that everything you do in life that isnt towards the things you love, is just a distraction. Of course stuff to keep yourself alive and healthy, both mentally and physically counts to that as well. but things like video games, social media, doing degenerate shit, binge eating. Its all just a distraction, which can be good sometimes. But one important point the article made, was that internet conglomerates make all of their money on keeping you on the internet for as long as possible. And of course the easiest way to do that is to keep you distracted.

it made me think what work really meant to me. Doing a hard, labor intensive, sometimes mentally draining activity that allows me to pay for things i would not usually be able to with my regular budget. But i dont consider myself very materialistic, for me its all about trying to better myself, and some of those things do come with a change of image, as a form of affirmation. So im saying im gonna buy clothes. But apart from aesthetics and general welfare products i dont have the need for much else. however, if i did not have this job, i know that most of my time would be playing video games, watching teevee and eating. So i guess work is saving me from being distracted, and allowing me to invest more in my own welfare.

So that does make it worth it, but only for a short while. After the summer my friends will be back, ill have a whole new field of study, and alot of reading. For now, ill just get through the time i do have here, i know ill be looking back on it for a long time now.

[q-gorgeous]

Doctor

fanfiction

i dont think im gonna finish dannymay this month but its fine i guess

Danny and his mom sat in the waiting room of their doctors office, reading magazines while they waited for Danny to be called back. 

“Sweetie, are you sure you don’t want me to come with you? This’ll be your first appointment without me and I just don’t want you to-”

“Mom, no, I’ll be fine. I’m sixteen and it’s just a regular check up.”

“But-”

“Danny Fenton?” 

A woman stood in the doorway of the waiting room, a clipboard in her hand.

“Are you sure?” His mom asked.

Danny stood up as he nodded. “Yes, I’m sure. I’ll be back in a bit.”

He walked over to the woman and she guided him through the doorway and into the hallways. Whenever he walked through here he always got turned around and was surprised to already being seated in a room. 

“Wait right here and the nurse will be in in a few minutes.”

Danny nodded and sat down in one of the chairs. He looked around the room, idly bouncing his leg. It looked the same as the last time he’d been here. He didn’t even know if this was the same room or not. They all looked the same to him. 

Soon a nurse knocked on the door. Danny made an affirming noise to let them know they could come in. A man around his parents' age walked in and gave him a small wave.

“Hey there, Danny! My name’s Mr. Simpleton and I’ll be your nurse today before Dr. Cavanaugh comes to see you. How are you doing today?”

“Pretty good, pretty good.” Danny said as he tapped his fingers.

“So.” Mr. Simpleton started. “It looks like you haven’t been to a routine check up in about two years, right around when you were fourteen. Has anything changed since then? Anything you’ve had concerns about?”

“Nope.” Danny said, popping the p. 

“Alright.” Mr. Simpleton said, checking something off on his computer. “Let’s start with your height and weight. Take your shoes off and step onto the scale over there.”

Untying his shoelaces, Danny pulled his shoes off and stepped onto the scale and Mr. Simpleton adjusted the height bar. 

“You are five foot seven and… One hundred and ten pounds…” The nurse furrowed his eyebrows, going back to his computer and typing it in. “Let’s move onto heart rate next.”

Danny moved to sit on the bed instead, watching as Mr. Simpleton put the stethoscope in his own ears and the end on his chest. After a bit Mr. Simpleton pulled the stethoscope away and headed back to his computer. 

“44 resting bpm.” He said as he typed. “Let’s do reflexes now.”

Mr. Simpleton walked back over to Danny with the little knee hammer and gently tapped his knee with it. 

Danny’s leg suddenly shot out, a bit of ectoplasm flying out of his shoe. Danny stared at Mr. Simpleton in horror as the man just stared at his foot. 

“Possible… ectocontamination?” He said as he turned back to his computer. 

“Wait, no!” Danny shouted. “Don’t put that in there!”

“Ectocontamination is nothing to take lightly. The GIW and your parents have both put out safety warnings and what we need to do to deal with it properly.”

“No you can’t tell them!” 

“Why not?”

They stared at each other for a minute, Danny fidgeting in his seat while Mr. Simpleton studied him. The nurse's eyebrows furrowed for a moment before his eyes shot wide open. 

“Okay. Well, I think that concludes the nurses examination. I’ll go file and finalize everything while you wait for Dr. Cavanaugh to come see you.” 

He bundled up his laptop and stethoscope and started walking towards the door and opened it. 

“Wait-” Danny started but was cut off as the door closed. 

He sat and stared at the door, his heart rate increasing as he pondered what would happen. Did he leave? Did he walk out, find his mom, and tell her they were done? Does he pretend he was kidnapped by a ghost? What did he do?

Just as he was debating turning intangible and going through the wall, a knock sounded at the door and a woman with long, curly black hair walked into the room. 

“Hi! Danny Fenton, right?” She said as she looked at her open laptop. “I’m Dr. Cavanaugh. I had some things I wanted to ask you about.”

Danny’s heart dropped and he slouched in his seat. 

“You seem to have some fear and apprehension of telling your parents about your ectocontamination. Is there any reason for that? Do they make you feel unsafe at home?”

“What? No.” Danny said, furrowing his brows. “I mean, it’s more complicated than that. But my parents love me very much, they would never hurt me intentionally.”

“Intentionally?” Dr. Cavanaugh asked. “Have they hurt you unintentionally?”

Danny looked away. “I mean… I had an accident with the ghost portal. But! That was mostly my fault. My friends and I were goofing around near it when we shouldn’t have been.” 

“When was this accident?”

“A little less than two years ago.”

“Hmm.” Dr. Cavanaugh hummed. “And you haven’t had a doctor’s appointment since then?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because. It wasn’t that bad. And my parents were so excited that the ghost portal was working, I didn’t want to ruin that for them.”

“Was there any other reason? Were you afraid?”

Danny narrowed his eyes. “What are you getting at?”

Dr. Cavanaugh cleared her throat. “Mr. Simpleton has reason to believe that you may not be in the healthiest environment due to… circumstances.”

Danny snorted. “Yeah? And what circumstances would those be?”

“Phantom.”

Danny stared at her as his heart stopped. They couldn’t have figured it out. He’s only been here half an hour! How could they have connected the dots to Phantom?

“Danny, not everyone is so in the dark about ghosts as you may have thought. Mr. Simpleton and I come from a haunted town where ghosts were free to mingle with the humans until an early unit of the GIW staged a raid. 

“We know a bit more than the average Amity Park citizen. But there’s something more than that.” She looked Danny in the eye with a level gaze. 

“We know that half-ghosts exist.”

“What?” Danny asked. “How would you-”

He stopped as he saw her holding her laptop with an invisible hand.

“I was born a half-ghost.” Dr. Cavanaugh said. “My parents dated in high school but my dad died before they could have a child. But my situation is more genetics rather than a mutation. You appear to have another form, suggesting that your ghost and human halfs are more separate, while mine are mixed together.”

“How… How did your parents, you know. How does that even work? How would it be possible?” Danny asked. 

Dr. Cavanaugh shrugged. “Beats me. I just know that I’m here today.” Her gaze hardened and she continued speaking. “But you shouldn’t have to live in fear like you do. You’re a teenager, you shouldn’t be worrying about being captured or fighting all these ghosts. You should be doing your homework and hanging out with your friends.”

“Yeah, well. No one else can do the job properly.” Danny mumbled. 

“But it’s not your job.”

“I’m the one who turned on the portal!” Danny shouted. “I’m the reason the ghosts are here in the first place! So I’m going to do my best to keep everyone safe.”

Dr Cavanaugh sighed. “It’d be fruitless to argue with your obsession, but myself and Mr. Simpleton will be here in case you need help. Whether with an injury or any stress you may be suffering from. Just give us a call at our extension.”

Danny rolled his eyes. “Okay. Are we done here then?”

She nodded. “Let’s get you back out to your mom so you can check out and go home.”

Together, Danny and Dr. Cavanaugh walked back down the halls and before he knew it, they were back out in the waiting room where his mom was still sitting, reading a magazine. She looked up and smiled at him. 

“Hi, Danny! Done already?” She asked. She looked at Dr. Cavanaugh and held out her hand. “Hi, I’m Danny’s mom, Maddie.”

“Dr. Cavanaugh.” She reached out and shook her hand. “Danny’s all good to go. He’s got a clean bill of health and he has nothing to worry about.”

“Oh that’s good!” His mom said, ruffling his hair. “How about we go home now?”

“Please.” Danny said walking away towards the checkout counter. 

Thanking the doctor, his mom followed after him. She signed the papers and got everything sorted. As they were walking through the doors, Danny mumbled a few words.

“I hate going to the doctors.”

[foolgobi65]

careful man’s careless daughter

@philtstone prompted: Anne/Gilbert babysitter au fake dating prompt #5 let’s go laydees “you have the emotional capacity of a brick. that slate I broke over  your head.” (we’re pretending people still use slates now....american schools have no money...its possible ok) 

k so i was trying to figure out how to work in the babysitter + fake dating and ... like a flash the plot to this old telugu/tamil movie i love missamma/missaimaa came to mind -- its not quite the same because they’re two people pretending to be married so that they can make money as school teachers/live in tutors for a wealthy family’s daughter but it works just enough that i decided to roll with it lol. 

this technically isn’t the actual babysitting, nor the fake dating which I actually turned into a fake marriage lol, but i hope u still like it, even though it is all over the place and a general wreck because i wrote it straight through without any editing or thought towards pacing/characterization bc i havent written in forever lol!! im not even sure what the time period setting is lol, and i dont think my translating of the anne events into a semi modern day even works but w/e lol. 

u are the truest of friends, the light of my life, and have certainly heard more than your share of my mental breakdowns both in the last month and the last few years lol. u deserve all the good things, all the good fic, all the time. 

title is a perversion of a tswift lyric because it came up on youtube. if anyone wants to send in prompts from here

---

“You owe him how much?” 

Anne sighs, crossing her legs to hide how uncomfortable she is in this moment -- here she is in the park, fifteen thousand dollars plus interest in medical debt for Marilla’s eye surgery and being hounded by Roy Gardner, ex boyfriend apparently turned loan shark who was on his knees proclaiming both love and loan forgiveness should Anne just accept his proposal. 

Here Gilbert Blythe is, sitting on a park bench after two years without contact, watching the whole thing. 

“Marilla doesn’t have health insurance,” Anne says, eyes on the ground as she uses the toe of her shoe to grind a leaf into the sidewalk cement. “Even when I was teaching, the union plan didn’t let people add parents on as dependents.” She sighs. “With everything happening with the farm, she couldn’t afford to put money towards a plan and so when her eyes got bad....” 

For a moment, there is silence. Anne can almost hear Gilbert’s jaw clench “That’s just wrong.” 

Anne laughs, and because her eyes are averted she doesn’t see Gilbert flinch. “That’s America, Blythe.” 

“Well,” she hears him say, tone just dripping with what Mrs. Rachel would call the Blythe Stubbornness, “It shouldn’t be.” 

She won’t ever admit it, but there’s something Anne has always found deeply compelling about Gilbert when he gets into these moods -- all righteously indignant in a way that Anne feels inside of her own body. Or felt, before Matthew died and left behind debts not even Marilla had known about, and Marilla’s eyes worsened around the the time Anne was let go from her teaching job and even if she had had the job it wouldn’t have mattered, she knows, but still. Beautiful, wonderful, beloved Diana had offered to help, of course she had, but Anne knew that Fred’s business wasn’t yet where it should be and that the parents Barry were still unimpressed with their son in law to be’s financial acumen. So she’d had to go to Roy, who had of course lent his beautiful Anne the money, and of course had arranged for Marilla to be treated at the best hospital in Toronto, of course had set them up in the apartment of a friend of his right in downtown where the rents were a thousand maybe two per month. He’d popped the question for the third time the second Marilla had been released back into Anne’s care. 

Almost as if he can hear her thoughts, Gilbert speaks -- “Gardner shouldn’t be harassing you like this either. Who ever heard of charging interest on a loan to a friend? And what on earth does he think he’s going to take from you if you just don’t pay?” 

Anne burns. This, she hasn’t told Marilla, nor even her darling Diana. For some reason, it seems alright to tell Gilbert. “The farm,” she mumbles.

Gilbert snorts. “I’m sorry, I must have misheard. Are you saying that Roy Gardner, heir to one of the biggest fortunes in Boston and your ex boyfriend, took your home as collateral on a loan for money you needed to pay for your mother’s surgery?” 

Anne says nothing. She still hasn’t looked up at him, hasn’t been able to meet his gaze since she sat down on the bench and told Roy to get up off his knees and wait two months for either his money or her affirmative answer. She blinks, having mercifully forgotten that Gilbert was present for that last bit. She hopes he’s forgotten too. 

“And wait, before he left you said....” No such luck. “Anne!” Anne’s sure her entire head must be flame as she closes her eyes, bringing her knees up on the park bench and burying her face into her own lap. “Anne you said you’d marry him if you couldn’t get the money!” 

“There’s no debt between spouses,” Anne mumbles. “We’d get to keep the farm, and I wouldn’t ever worry about Marilla’s health again.” 

“But you don’t love him!” She doesn’t know if she’s ever heard Gilbert sound so scandalized. 

“I used to!” she tries to retort, but even Anne knows that her voice betrays her when she tries to speak this lie. “I used to think I was,” she amends, “and maybe that’s as close as I’m allowed to get -- he’s rich, handsome, he even loves me! What more could I ask for?” 

“Coercing you into marriage, demanding interest on money that we all know is just pocket change for someone like him...that’s not love,” Gilbert Blythe responds, with all that....that all-knowing Blytheness in his voice that Anne has hated since she was 13 years old and the new kid in a class of people who had always known each other just as easily as they had known themselves. “Love is selfless, Anne, strong and kind. It makes you better for giving away your heart, even if the one you love doesn’t give you theirs in return.” 

Gilbert Blythe, always acting as if he knows something Anne does not. He speaks as if he’s been in love, at some point over the years since he was last in Avonlea and for some reason Anne absolutely burns with that knowledge. Ooh she just hates him, now at 24 just as easily as she had at 13! 

“And what exactly is love worth if it means I just lose the farm trying to pay for Marilla’s surgery, and still have nothing for the next time she’s sick?” Suddenly Anne is on her feet, hands on her hips as she glares at Gilbert looking quite alarmed as he still sits on the bench. The words she has kept locked on the inside, too private to even be written in a diary, come pouring out in one big rush:

“Three of my four parents are already dead, Gilbert Blythe.” Her voice hitches, to her horror, her sudden fury vanishes as she has to blink away the tears she has kept at bay since she and Marilla buried Matthew. Damn Gilbert, for bringing this out of her as well. “I can’t...I couldn’t bear to lose anyone else.” Her lips thin, and with a breath, her voice steadies. “I don’t care what you, or anyone else thinks about my choices if it means that I can take care of Marilla.” 

Gilbert’s eyes have the sheen of his own tears when he stands, his own lips wobbling just slightly. “I...” he swallows. “Of course, Anne.” Something Anne recognizes as self hatred passes briefly over his face, but she doesn’t understand. “I wish I had money like Gardner to give you, I really do.”   

Anne gentles, even if something inside her twists to be the object of the long-old guilt mixed with pity, much less Gilbert Blythe. Since Matthew’s death, every person in Avonlea it seems has sat with Anne and Marilla and offered their deep condolences, their absolute shock at the pair’s financial state of affairs, how much they wish they could help but sadly cannot, what with the way the bank’s collapse has hit their own finances. Only families like the Gardners survive economic crashes with money to burn. 

“I wouldn’t have taken it even if you had,” she offers instead, shrugging casually. 

His eyes flash. “But you took Gardner’s?” 

“I thought he loved me!” Anne closes her eyes, somehow feeling her cheeks flush even deeper. This is why she’s avoided all mention of Gilbert Blythe so strenuously since high school graduation, because more than anyone else he is the one who drags out the words she is always learning to keep inside. Here he is, somehow pulling confessions Anne hadn’t even dreamed of telling Diana, confessions that make her seem small, and stupid, lost in a world so much more complicated and treacherous than she can handle all on her lonesome. 

Well, she thinks, in for a penny -- 

“I thought he loved me,” she says, “and that he had the money to spare. I didn’t realize...” She looks away again, so that she never has to see him react to her folly. 

“Oh Anne,” Gilbert says, for some reason so soft and stricken that Anne’s knees go weak with her sudden desire to fall to the ground and weep. “You deserve so much better.” 

And now she’s angry again. “What would you know about what I deserve?” Anne spits, “you haven’t even been home since you started med school!” Vaguely, Anne thinks that Gilbert hasn’t been home since she and Roy had gotten serious, serious enough for her to bring him to Green Gables and show him the place that had been her very first love. Coincidences can be so strange. 

“It doesn’t matter,” she says, glaring again at the ground. “None of this matters. I’m just going to go home” Anne clenches her jaw, knowing that when she gets back to Green Gables she will go into her room and play every excruciating part of this conversation back in her head, again and again until she throws up or passes out at dawn from sheer exhaustion. Maybe both, if she’s lucky. She leans back slightly and manages to turn around on her heels, a trick Gilbert Blythe had always pulled at school and had had girls thinking he was so cool.

She’s five minutes away from the park bench when suddenly she hears him call out her name. 

“Anne,” he shouts again much closer, bending at his waist to balance his hands at his knees as he pants. “God, it really has been two years since I was on the university football team.” 

Despite the roiling emotions of five minutes ago, Anne’s lips quirk. “I can’t imagine you all practiced very much to end up near the bottom of your league every year.” 

Gilbert’s eyes widen, and for some reason he flushes. Maybe he’s so out of shape that it’s from exertion? “I didn’t realize you kept up with my matches.”  Ah. Anne, it seems, will experience nothing else but one long sustained flush as long as she is in front of Gilbert Blythe. “You know,” she tries to say casually, “you hear things here and there. Diana told me the village gossip.” 

Gilbert opens his mouth, but then suddenly shakes his head, like a dog trying to dislodge water from its fur. “I have...” he frowns. “I have a proposition for you.”  Anne raises what she hopes is an elegant eyebrow. “Oh?” 

He grimaces. “There’s a boarding school, a Catholic one, that’s asking for teachers over the summer for a few of their select students who want to be coached for college admissions. Essays, standardized tests, everything. They’ve got heaps of money, and are willing to pay salaries up front. Plus, they cover all your expenses while you’re there!” 

Anne blinks, feeling the beginnings of hope gather as kindling at the very dredges of her heart. Once, both Anne and Gilbert had competed so well against each other that they had both gotten into Harvard. Then, Matthew had died, and Anne decided she could just as easily get a teaching degree at the state school and stay closer to Marilla too. Gilbert alone had had the distinction of being the first from Avonlea to reach such heights, and had reached even higher when he had been accepted again to Harvard Medical School. 

But at one point, both Anne and Gilbert had taken their SATs. They’d both written their application essays. They’d both gotten in. Anne, even, had been offered a full ride compared to Gilbert’s only partial scholarship, so there could even be an argument that of the two, Anne had been the one on top. 

And if nothing else, Anne is even better at teaching than she was at taking tests. 

“I’ll do it,” she says firmly. “Where and when do I need to report, and how much money are they offering?”  For a second, a bright, dazzling grin paints Gilbert’s face. “Really? Ten--” he coughs, “Twenty thousand.” Anne frowns. 

“Each?” It sounds like a dream come true. Five thousand more than Anne needs, and paid upfront. She could save the farm, and put away five thousand towards the farm’s debts. “That sounds....exorbitant.”  He nods, suddenly more confident. “Yep! Twenty thousand for sure.” He laughs. “I know Gardner was supposed to be slumming it at state school, but you really can’t be surprised at how much money rich people are willing to throw at a problem.” 

“The problem being...their children.”  Gilbert’s grin turns wicked. “The problem being their children’s SAT scores, and lack of compelling anecdote to base an admission’s essay on, yes.” 

Anne laughs, wicked in this moment as well. She wishes in this moment, fiercely, as she has many times over the last few years, that she had been able to go to university with Gilbert at her side -- as the friends they had slowly begun to be after years of one and two sided enmity, before time and distance had turned them into near strangers. She doesn’t regret staying back, not really, but there is a part of her that no one had ever understood half as well as Gilbert Blythe, who had, after the Harvard interest meeting, drawn and pinned up a schedule for practice SATs that took into account both his and Anne’s often conflicting life schedules. 

“What’s the catch,” she asks, grinning when Gilbert chokes “come on, Blythe, there’s always a catch with offers like this. Is it across from a waste manufacturing plant? Is the principal a pervert?” 

Slowly, Gilbert Blythe is turning red. “Ah,” he says, shuffling like he never did even when he was an errant schoolboy. “Well,” he says, and....is that his voice cracking? 

“Gilbert,” Anne says, trying to reassure him, “I grew up in the foster system, I can handle much worse than bad smells and pervert principals, I promise.” 

He frowns. “It’s not that,” he says slowly, “but basically they’re looking for two teachers, a man and a woman to manage the boys and the girls while the rest of the staff go on vacation.” 

Anne smiles, trying to ignore the jolt of her heart at the thought of an entire summer with Gilbert, studying like they used to but as friends. Her old dreams, finally coming true. “That’s perfect then, you take one job and I’ll take the other! It’ll be like old times, kind of.” 

He smiles faintly, as if, even after locking horns with the best and brightest at Harvard, Anne is still the person he wants to be trading barbs with over the heads of high school students for months on end. “I’d like nothing better, he says, except...” 

“Except?” 

Gilbert inhales. “ExceptTheSchoolWillOnlyHireAMarriedCoupleSoThatTheyDon’tHaveToWorryAboutOutofWedlockSexorTeachersHavingSexWithStudents.” All in a rush, and now Gilbert is the one who can’t apparently handle eye contact.

“What?” 

“The school,” Gilbert says to his shoes, “since it’s Catholic, and also since they’re lazy, only want a married couple so that they don’t have to have anyone watching to make sure the teachers aren’t having sex with the students. Or each other.” 

Anne blinks. “But we’re not married!” 

Gilbert grimaces, opening his mouth, but then just biting his lip. They could be, Anne thinks, only a tad hysterical. Only all of Avonlea was matching them up all the years of high school, and even the years after until she’d met Roy. It would be so easy to get a certificate. They could get a divorce by September, even annul their marriage since they definitely wouldn’t be having sex. 

Twenty thousand dollars. 

“So what you’re saying,” Anne says slowly, her lip curling of its own accord “is that after all that talk about what love is and isn’t, and telling me that I shouldn’t marry Roy for the money he’d give me, your blockheaded solution is instead, for me to marry you?” 

Gilbert looks up. “Well when you put it that way--”  Anne sees red, even as she already sees herself in one of her old white lace dresses, standing with Gilbert at the courtroom and signing. “Gilbert Blythe I don’t believe you! Sometimes, I think that you really do have all the emotional capacity of that slate I broke over your head!” 

“I know,” he says tone heavy with something so sad that Anne’s hearten softens a bit of its own accord. “But you really need the money, and I promise we’ll get a divorce by September.” He smiles, but there’s something bitter at the corners that Anne has never seen before -- she almost raises her hand to rub the strand of emotion off his lips. “And you’re not the only one who needs the money. Will you do it?” 

Twenty thousand dollars. The farm, Marilla, an end to the eternal pity of Avonlea. And also, a small part of her suggests, an opportunity to finally spend time with this new Gilbert Blythe who went off into the world and left her behind. 

She sighs. “I vote that you be the one to tell Mrs. Lynde.” 

[thisnerdsadventures]

i graduated.

i graduated yesterday from MIT!! with a BS in computer science and engineering :)  a few of my friends and i celebrated over zoom with my mom in the background as they played video after video on the commencement live stream while only taking 10 minutes to scroll through our names lmao. the ceremony was done and done after 12pm PST, and i spent the rest of the days watching suits.

cw: protests, police brutality

I wanted to spend a good amount of this post talking about how it feels to graduate and what I’ve learned over the past 4 years. I’m still going to do that, but I want to start with how I felt this morning, as I watched protest videos on Twitter and tapped through an endless stream of call to action posts on Instagram. In the hours around commencement, I didn’t feel as happy as I should’ve, probably because the world we are graduating into is an actual Hot mess. We should’ve graduated onto Killian Court, with the sun out and hope and optimism with the world smiling upon us, but instead we graduated at home, separated by a global pandemic that our country refuses to take seriously and surrounded by protests and anger and racism, sent out into a world where people refuse to take a virus that has killed over 100,000 people in the US seriously and where a white police officer can literally kill an unarmed black man on the streets in broad daylight and nothing will happen without an actual public uproar. 

Frustrated, helpless, sad, angry are a few of the things I’m feeling. I feel frustrated because I know the community I grew up in and currently am in is a part of the problem. (For those of you who don’t know, I grew up in Orange County, California, which is surprisingly conservative for California, and has a lot of middle to upper class Asian and white people who are the types to denounce things like affirmative action, black lives matter, taxing the wealthy. Obviously not everyone here is like this, but actions like this make me remember why i wanted to leave :/ -- https://www.reddit.com/r/orangecounty/comments/gt7ift/oc_sheriff_department_raises_blue_lives_matters/) And I feel helpless because I don’t know how to help - if we were back on campus, we’d take the T out to Park St or even just walk there to Boston Common protesting, marching to City Hall, but we’re dispersed now, and not as many of us can drive out to the nearest big city protest, esp with COVID. So it begs the question of what we can do from our laptops, our homes?

Here’s some links that I’ve seen recently and have found really great:

Where you can donate, and where you can learn, a summary.

The Minnesota Freedom Fund is an organization that helps pay for immigration bonds and bails, but I think they’ve recently posted that they’ve gotten a lot of donations, and are now encouraging people to donate to other local organizations [x] and George Floyd’s family [x]. 

As an Asian-American, I recognize the privileges in society that we benefit from, and it’s our responsibility to stand up in solidarity now and actively fight anti-Blackness today. Here is an awesome Medium post I read yesterday, listing out some of the ways we can help -- https://medium.com/awaken-blog/20-allyship-actions-for-asians-to-show-up-for-the-black-community-right-now-464e5689cf3e

One thing that I’ve been thinking about lately is how much anti-blackness actually appears in our own families and communities - I know I’ve heard many many racist comments from the people around me, so now more than ever, it’s important to have these conversations and educate one another on how we can do better. Another thing I found really interesting was reading about where the model minority myth came from, why it exists, and the damage it does. NPR article. tl;dr educate one another, educate oneself

I also just stumbled upon this google doc that is so in depth, so if you want to read more about more actions you can take, look here -> [x]

welp. that’s all i can really say on that, or at least I think the links do a better job.

1) So going off of that, the first thing i guess i can say MIT did for me was instill a drive to action. I remember before college, I was mostly in this socal bubble, shit in the world definitely happened (ok maybe not global pandemic level) but we didn’t see its effects as much. When I moved to Boston and started meeting people from different backgrounds, that changed. These people here are so inspiring in the way that they don’t sit around or mope or ignore the problem, they choose to do something about it, whether its a pset, the next MIT admin shitshow, or COVID. They go up and beyond what’s expected for them to make the world the better place, and I think that’s something i learned to do a bit of.

2) Another thing I learned was to forgive myself - we all have to forgive ourselves for being less perfect and for whatever dumb stuff we’ve done in the past. Like you might not even realize it’s happening to you, but taking stuff out on yourself way harder than you should might be a product of you just being angry at yourself for mistakes in the past. Everyone wants to be perfect, that’s just a product of who we are as people, a product of the environment we’re in. But the sooner we forgive ourselves for not being perfect, the faster we can move to growing and being better.

3) We are all pretty valuable people. It angers me to no end when people settle for less than they should, whether it's out of fear that something else might not come along, or they just don’t know their own self-worth. A big example of that is how often people will accept lowball offers and fail to negotiate salaries at all. And it drives me up the wall that it happens to people I know and love because it makes me wonder if they can see how much they really are worth. So much of our time at MIT is spent just wondering if we’re enough. But once you leave the MIT bubble, you realize how open you options are, and that maybe we should spend more of our time advocating for ourselves and believing in our own worth than letting people define that for us.

4 and 5) i learned that moving too quick to label people as completely good or completely bad never ends well. Same goes for companies, organizations, issues, everything. This was a hard lesson to learn, I had to learn it, relearn it, unlearn it, learn it again, and I made mistakes after mistakes after mistakes. When confronted with a bit of bad, I closed my doors, thinking I had all the good in the world I needed. But what I really needed was perspective. That maybe there was some x, y, and z, and those were bad, but there was also a, b, c, d, f, g and those were all so, so good. I can get pretty angry in the moment - I did this again just the other day, when I was projecting my anger towards someone to the whole two year relationship. But this time, I had another friend watching my situation on a balcony three floors up who heard and listened to all the good they had done for me and reminded me about it. This is why its points 4 and 5, that its also so important to have friends around that will listen to you, not just during the bad, but also the good, so they can tell you when you’re being irrational and to really be there for you when you dont even know you need someone to be there.

6) one of the things i learned the hard way was how to know when someone is your friend, and how to know when friends truly have your back. something that my experiences have shown me (and 11.011, ngl) is that when it seems like someone has your back, they might not, and when they have to choose sides, they may very well not choose yours. But here’s the thing I have learned: when faced with that, good close friends do not leave. They show up. Do friends fight? hell yeah. and they apologize and grow from it. They confide in you and answer your call at 1am. They know you better than you know yourself, so when you start losing sight of your true self, they remind you. There is no condition to your friendship, no prereq. When a crisis happens like COVID, they show up, they help you pack, they calm you down when you’re panicking, and if they’re not there in person, they reach out, they ask how you’re doing, and they offer support. When you graduate, they send you surprise gifts or join your zoom party or at the very least, remember the date and text you congratulations. Turns out, good, real friends are hard to find in this world, but it’s important to remember to not give up on finding them. it might take a couple years longer than you had thought it would for finding friends in college, but that’s ok. someone once told me that although the journey was hard, it led me to this point, and that that’s what made it worth the struggle.

So yeah, graduating was a lot to deal with. I’ll be back in the fall for my masters and im starting my internship in 2 weeks, so there will still definitely be updates on this nerd’s adventure!