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notmuchtoconceal · 1 year ago

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whenever i'm talking to left-of-center softboys who tend to be non-confrontational, they usually default to assuming i'm one of those bootstrapper types, cause i'm so intense, so masc and so ravishingly sexual, i'm more or less completely oblivious to how much you want me, cause -- unlike you -- i only get to stare at myself when i pass a mirror, otherwise i'm looking at you, considering you, or maybe considering something else? is that weird? that i notice you and don't constantly flaunt it, cause i'm not trying to get your attention? is the fact that i notice ur trying to get my attention what makes me not wanna notice u? why am i noticing the attempt, and not being moved by the effect? why do you think i would be as into you, as you are into me? do you think i find you as hot as you find me? how much of you finding me hot is you using me because, on some level, you'd rather be me, and what you want is me to be gone so you can have some alone time with my body? i can jack off to myself without you, you know. what are you bringing to the table? honestly, bro. if you can't even pretend to respect who I am long enough to ingratiate yourself with me, why do you think you deserve my hot sweaty cock up your tight lil hole? i'm still in this fucking body. you haven't displaced it yet. you're not gonna displace it. i fuckin own you now. you fuckin love being owned by me. you think it's flattering that you want me for what i have? cause i wanna be around someone who has so little, all they do is sit around and want shit that belongs to other people? you're coming up to me, bringing all kinds of energy and intentions i don't know, then you're doing the bare minimum, cause you wanna be serviced and think I should make all the moves, cause you don't want a dance partner, you want a daddy. bro, all the fuckin shit i got on my mind, and you can't even seduce me or get me in the mood? why don't u fuckin make me happy, u want me to be happy don't u? i know you do. all the fuckin free content i'm postin to my page ain't enough for you, you wanna pop in and get more without a liftin a finger? yeah, worse than a woman, bro. don't waste my fuckin time, u can't even strut.

i don't wanna fucking need you. being needed is sick and weird. people who need to be needed to do weird shit to keep you needing em, they're like fucking drug pushers. they want to be your fix, cause they don't value your autonomy and happiness. i don't wanna rip your asshole apart and be stitched to you by guilt and shame, so -- hey. we may be making each other sick and miserable, but at least we know nobody's walkin out! i wanna fuckin love you and love you perfectly because i know you're completely superfluous! the fact that i don't need you at all is what will ultimately make me need you most and that is why love is a glorious paradox which can only be reconciled by the living it, bitch.

so, yeah. jittery nerd boys tend to assume i'm a bootstrapper type, as opposed to someone raised by drunks who attracts a lot of learned helplessness. i tend to default to not asking for help, cause what i need won't be offered, and it's dangerous to delude myself into thinking otherwise. humans live in tribes, and you don't have the protection of other people around ya, it does shit to your brain, but if you're smart, you can adapt. sometimes people resent your ability to adapt because they know they've been made lesser and feel they were never "allowed" to try and adapt. that is, they were beaten back into place and learned the wrong lesson too soon, so they never tried again, never diversified their approach, never subjected themselves to more fruitless struggle to really see how futile the effort was. it's sometimes a decision if it's worth trying to make what you have to offer work. i never once said it would be easy or instantaneous. i never said there'd be no inertia, no pain, no struggle. that sounds more like a concealed wish on your part, bud. i'm mostly pointing out that, when it comes to passivity, coercion, brainwashing, it continues because We Are Always Accepting It and That Is A Choice and While There Will Be Consequences and Sacrifices To Be Made, we can stop accepting our brainwashing, stop accepting our priming, see what changes come easy, see which ones we really gotta fight for.

i tend to fall in and out of the habit of prioritizing other people's feelings.

i'd used to think this was because i was socially retarded and there was something wrong with me. i was, and there was, but this wasn't an intrinsic feature of my psyche, or something which composed a part of my essence. -- rather, it was something which was implanted.

when i look back at my life, i'm forced to conclude that i had naturally high intelligence from the start. i can't speak for everyone, but i suspect most developmentally typical children possess a similar amount of boundless consciousness, albeit dispersed along their natural inclinations. i myself was always drawn towards language, and always felt in my own head, and got a sense that i could pick up on multiple and contradictory meanings in type. i'd tended naturally to pick up on patterns in stories, anticipate certain things, remember certain cues easier. certain subjects and ideas came to me as though second-nature and i gravitated towards them, and in doing so achieved something of my unique potential.

this ought be everybody's right, though i myself, still being a member of everyone, was not allowed idyllic and infinite time for study and pleasure.

the members of my family, far exceeding what ought be typical a healthy employee/employer relation seemed, rather than working to live, living to work, and i had as a young man attributed this to greed, appetite, lust. money, money, money, get drunk it's so funny to screw in the open and walk around naked in front of children. sure, they did do this openly in the 70's, in locker rooms, dad, but now that i am a man, i am told that you were showing me your dick because u wanted me to suck it. would i have had such severe body dysmorphia if i'd been exposed to more naked men as a kid? ... how the fuck does any baseball coach do their job anymore? my father took me to the YMCA. did i see naked old men in there? was that a traumatic memory i blurred out, or was that normal and i'm only making it weird now? is it kiddie porn to photograph your child naked in the bath, i always thought that was sus. please tell me if i was groomed, trusted male authority figure. i don't know who to think for myself.

reap what you sow

(hyuk-hyuk!

u are being fondled as a boy now

in this and all timelines

u are under the fan

ur child rapist father is gettin his ass slammered)

honestly, bro. i have so many better things to ruminate over. stop trying to fucking gaslight me into thinking i was groomed, holy shit. how do you square fucking men openly with being this much of a bootlicker? can you give me an answer even stupider than the question i just asked?

so as i was saying, this should be everyone's right, the time and the freedom, once social dues are paid or survival conditions mitigated, to discover and develop their unique potentials, but as is typical, as it was with my parents, there tends to set in a feeling of bitter hopelessness, of fatalistic inclination towards the route pressures of the pre-determined, for one comes to so clearly see the mechanisms into which they've been slotted, so clearly see the ways in which they've been amputated and manually rotated, that they've dug themselves into a cozy little ditch, with nothing much worth living for, particularly when "Family" is both a flimsy pretense as well as your only bond, for no matter how aching, mechanical and transactional it becomes with a bloodsucker, that's still your closest and only available source of nourishment.

it's as though one trains themselves to accept less, to expect less, to reduce their overall capacity for joy to mitigate pain, already having so much, so many things to do, and so many obligations to attend to.

these things always come on a case-by-case basis. you ought know your own life better than anyone. who knows all the ways you yourself were right all along, how the things others made you feel stupid for were simply not fully-developed or fully contextualized. all the ways you were forced to prioritize the expectations of others, their way of thinking, their categorizations, the phrases they use, unintentionally internalizing their biases and mistaking their feelings and preferences for your own -- just repeating back things you've heard, with little variation, as though preserving some pure intention, but nonetheless in doing so, failing to explore your own, or finding yourself something like an old prop box at the back of a costume closet, begging for a flesh to fill the void.

I Suspect What Kills Technologically Advanced Nations Is Their Slow Enslavement and Consumption By The False God of Comfort.

aforementioned soft-boys whom i befriend -- they were called dandy lions among the rush bushes (rose bushes / bull rushes!) by a charming young gentleman i ruthlessly interrogated earlier this evening -- tend to be baffled by the tendency of hyper-masc types or (hank hill voice) hwhaoite peayhpyuhl (effortlessly revealed another lovecraft monster. start offering unto it libations, beta bitches. piss in a bud light can, leave it out on the sidewalk, whisper His name in the light of the moon and leave it for a beat cop to drink Who Is His Instrument) to expose themselves to deliberate hardship or "rough it" and this is simply because good stolid state of nature boys intuitively understand an organism is the sum of its biorhythms, that is, carved and sculpted by the paths it routinely takes. constantly exerting force -- strength training -- keeps you strong. constantly laying on your ass and being taken care of makes you a dependent baby. you need to voluntarily take on responsibility, and the more you do it, the better you get at it. now, some people can become too rigid, too inflexible, and stress themselves the fuck out by being too strict, and this can make disciplinary thinking its own drug, its own form of escapism -- workaholism often goes hand-in-hand with alcoholism, but workaholism is also why we allowed a dark sorcerer like John Harvey Kellog to brainwash us into thinking breakfast is anything but a ploy to lull you into a dazed sugar-carb stupor every morning to cow u up for the workday, and also circumcision is a good for children, and it's not at all weird that ur anti-groomer sky god likes to cut babydicks, no christianity, u don't get to accuse the jews of worshipping the devil not when u worship the same one and anyway everybody knows He lives at the Vatican, Where You Keep All Your Finest and Most Comely Slave Boys

Don't Lie I Saw Them.

you need to explore your own talents, kids. you need to get these stresses out in a productive way which's cathartic for you. it's good when you cry. your eyes physically accumulate a lot of debris and crying washes them out. when you feel something, you get it out of your system. next time you feel Real Fuckin Bad and you just wanna reach for the vape or your phone or a cigarette or another twinkie or Whatever The Fuck It is ... bro, just stop. just stop and don't run away from it. just let yourself feel bad for a bit. just ... just let it happen, bro. it's not gonna hurt. it's already hurt. you're just remembering how much it already hurt. once you remember, you won't have to forget, you can just not think about it. it's okay, bro. it can't hurt you. you don't need to hurt anyone. it's okay, bro.

Sometimes If It Won't Stop Hurting, You Might Just Have To Make Something. Maybe What You Make Will Be Bad. It don't matter. You don't have to show it to anybody. Just look at it. Look at what you made. Look at what you like about it, look at what about it you think isn't coming across as finely articulated as you'd like. See what's a legitimate shortcoming, and what's an emerging property of your style. You'll have to keep it relational between developing your overall skillset vs. developing certain aspects, and sometimes certain things can coast because a stable foundation of competency is Better Than Good Enough, and if there's some things it seems like are coming way harder than others, it's Fruitful to Know How to Compensate Elsewhere to Conceal or Mitigate This. Sometimes we have decent reasons to hide things. The best way to hide something which isn't shameful, but nonetheless Not Worth Going Into Right Now is to prepare A Convincing Cover Story. Something casually stated, but not quite non-committal. Think of it as the construction of a shrine. You're embellishing both to conceal and reveal, but at a pace you're more comfortable with. A telling detail, telling of the whole, but able to eclipse it. It's the sort of thing that, once you slip the mask off, you find the face beneath is somehow just as lovely. You want to speak as though your lie is rapidly becoming the truth, for you are speaking plainly and with the facts, in service to the truth, but nonetheless, here we are on a detour, you should only be thinking of it as the scenic route.

There Are Many Finer Points to Artistry,

Though Sometimes We Do Our Best Work When Clumsy

So yes, I fall in and out of the habit of prioritizing other people's feelings, because sometimes -- certain lessons being learned, others unlearned -- I allow the development of new strategies to slowly shift my priorities and lose contact with my own internal locus of self-control by, in a sense, allowing myself to fall too under the gravity of another's thought, to the point where i am captured and come into their orbit, which, if you're a rogue body can lead to nowhere but inevitable collision.

This is partly because I am a highly personalized rig, previously unaware of the ways I could be reformatted by rogue installs, though it's just as much because of the tension of What I Know vs. What The Other Person Doesn't vs. What I Don't Know They Don't Know and What They Don't Know They Don't Know. If you, say, grow up in highly bizarre circumstances and everyone around you assumes theirs are normal ... they may not consider the ways your circumstances are nothing like theirs, they're Far Too Used To Assuming Everyone Shares the Same Normal ... and what's just as true, is that you yourself might not even stop to consider all the ways your abnormal normal in-fact quite neatly dovetails with their abnormal normal, for the only thing truly shocking about your circumstances is the frankness, all the other gay boys out there are a helluva lot better at keepin this shit on the downlow!

It's so weird to think that so many people can be so afraid of communication because they consider so much of communication to be conflict -- every silence a minefield to navigate, every improperly feigned tone an open fire! On every messenger! Kill every envoy! Let nothing get through! Walls up! Nobody's gettin in or out alive!

If everyone's running from something and getting nowhere, is a free country anything more than a bunch of a scared pissing lil rodents running around on hamster wheels, beefed up to roid-estate scale with big gaudy flashing LCD rims and shrieking tire music on every carousel?

just be aware, bro. it's all i ask and it's what you want.

be aware of how the things you're letting into your life are influencing you. honestly assess how much certain things may be holding you back. what seems like it's a fixed and immovable part of your life that's only being held there, gravitationally in place, by five or six other things You Don't Actually Need because you've allowed so many things to become entangled which don't need to be, and maybe in some ways you'd let these things bloat and obscure and compose a Strange Tapestry for you longed to Veil Some Stain, but now You Are A Man and may Strip Down to Your Briefs and Bare Your Pockmarked Flesh to the Sun.

No matter what you do next, you're gonna act, in service to someone or something, and the more aware you are of all the things you're already doing and all the things you're already serving, the better able you'll be to negotiate and navigate the situations and the circumstances you're already in, so the only thing that's possibly gonna happen now is that you're gonna get more aware, happier and better, lil guy.

ain't it fuckin grand to have such a swell big bro?

#big bro energy #so shiny and spiffy!#spirit of ares #he is what makes men monologue #tunnel vision #light a cigar #light of my life #baptism by fire #fire hot #dog brain #woof woof

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