#lifewithptsd
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lizzemea Ā· 2 years ago
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living0with0ptsd Ā· 5 years ago
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Living with PTSD.
Hmmm, where to start.
Iā€™ve just thrown my partner of 5 years out because we had sex this morning. Now most people would think that was totally off the air, but itā€™s not really. It wasnā€™t even bad sex. But heā€™s been giving me imagined stink eye all day. And because I asked him to help me with something tomorrow and he didnā€™t react the way I expected, it turned into a big, ā€œYou can fuck me, but have no respect for meā€ thing. And now heā€™s sleeping in the car and I have to get up at 4.00am to get all the animals fed before I leave for work at 7.30am.
Thatā€™s it in a nut shell. But Iā€™m the nut and my shell is not just cracked, itā€™s been absolutely smashed and when I finally got it glued back together 20 years later, thereā€™s a couple of pieces in back to front and some pieces are missing all together.
Oooo, I just got invited to a hunting page by a NSW Senator...... but more on that later.
How do I feel about Chris leaving? Right at this moment, Iā€™m good with it. Well Jemima is good with it. When she pits herself to bed, Iā€™ll let you know how I feel.
One of the yummy side effected of extended sexual trauma is MPD - Multiple Personality Disorder. Itā€™s fucking awesome! Not!
My family never know whoā€™s going to walk through the door and it destroys relationships and friendships.
My late husband even had Jemima tattooed on his right forearm. A bitch spourned in hell with horns and bat wings and a penchant for leather corsets. Sheā€™s not a homisidal maniac. More an ice queen with an ā€œI donā€™t give a fuck attitudeā€ who is so self sufficient she doesnā€™t even need herself in her life half the time.
Then thereā€™s me. Ex-nurse. Carer. Animal lover. Farmer. Loyal. Loving. Tough as nails, but with a gooey middle bit that breaks easy. Thatā€™s when Jemima jumps in to protect me.
Thereā€™s a couple of other minor bit parts. Some pommy east end girl, A Scottish girl, and some kid about 8 or 10. Right before I was abused for the first time.
Itā€™s late. I need a shower, but my anxiety wonā€™t let me undress. Even though Iā€™m the only person in the house and have 3 dogs with me, I just donā€™t feel safe enough to be that vulnerable. Itā€™s probably the hardest part of my illness. I feel the same way getting naked in my own house, that you would if you had to go shopping naked. I know itā€™s irrational to feel this way in my safe space and I can usually push through it, with music and closing and locking every window and door. Give me 5 minutes and Iā€™ll revisit the shower thing and see if I can do it.
Now. Chris. What to do. Who fucking knows. Heā€™s been annoying me for a week. Weā€™ve been picking at each other and snarling at each other and I guess Iā€™ve finally had enough. I guess he has too. The bad thing is, we have 2 business that we run together and I canā€™t run either of them without him. So hereā€™s how I fight routine goes.
We fight. He walks out even though Iā€™ve asked him not to a hundred times because it triggers my PTSD because itā€™s what my first husband used to do to manipulate me. Then I ring him and we fight some more. He usually hangs up on me a dozen times and I ring him back and eventually we agree that we were both wrong and he comes home.
Tonight however, I havenā€™t rung him. I have announced to the world on Facebook that heā€™s left and I havenā€™t even checked for replies. Do I want him to come back? Of course I do. But Iā€™m not begging any more. Iā€™m sick of not knowing if heā€™s here because I begged, or because he actually wanted to come home.
Physical side affects - my head is pounding. My hearing is super sensitive. I can hear the breathing of the dog laying 2 meters away from me on the bed. My heart is doing strange shit in my chest, itā€™s like thereā€™s bubbles of air pumping through instead of blood, which is pretty normal for a panic attack. I have pins and needles in my fingers and toes, again from the heart thing and panic attack. Iā€™m breathing shallow and fast.
Thoughts - these are my thoughts. Iā€™m not actually thinking about anything stupid. I donā€™t want to harm myself or anyone else. I donā€™t want to pack my life up and move away. Iā€™m actually looking forward to going back to work in the morning. Ok. There it is. The biggest indication I have a mental illness. I WANT TO GO TO WORK. Scary huh?
So I think Iā€™m ready now to go have that shower.
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bmwtp Ā· 5 years ago
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Everytime somebody asks me what I want to eat...
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reidaboutsex Ā· 5 years ago
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#Repost @fierce_passions with @get_repost 惻惻惻 Somewhere along my healing PTSD journey, during my trauma-focused therapy, I realized that pretty much all my little quirks are actually trauma coping mechanisms or trauma manifestations. I don't know why this realization made me so angry, but it did. I think I had invested quite a bit into my identity as a "quirky gal" as a way to make sense of (or maybe actually ignore) the way my trauma shaped & continues to shape me. So this was my snarky response to that realization. After all, #HumorHeals (regular disclaimer that "healing trauma" does *not* mean "curing" or "becoming the person you were before the traumatic incident(s)". It means reacting from *conscious choice* rather than letting your trauma control your behavior) #healingtrauma #lifewithptsd #healing #traumahumor #snarkyquotes https://www.instagram.com/p/B26xmzMBQpV/?igshid=13326yln2js8d
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thelostbrees Ā· 5 years ago
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Word of advice...
Donā€™t look for peace, sanity, or an escape in something that will break you down just as much as the trauma you went through did.
The high wonā€™t last,
That drink wonā€™t help,
& that person that keeps doing you wrong doesnā€™t deserve you
Face your demons
Before they become a permanent reflection of yourself
Right now your pain feels like itā€™ll last forever
I promise it wonā€™t,
I canā€™t guarantee everything will be better
But becoming a addict wonā€™t help you cope.
-wise words from an addict
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mentalmagnolia Ā· 6 years ago
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layingon-forestfloors Ā· 9 years ago
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My first vlog ever!! Hah I filmed it on the 24th of Feb. BTW.
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venusandthenativemoon-blog Ā· 9 years ago
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The view from below ~
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layingon-forestfloors Ā· 9 years ago
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Virgo horoscope for Dec 8 2015 You have been asking yourself big questions about some important aspect of your life. You are wondering how you landed where you did, and why a certain chain of events took place. Soon, Virgo, a lot of little pieces will begin to start falling into place. At first it may seem like things are falling apart, but in reality they are actually falling together! If you remain alert and tuned in to what is going on around you, you will begin to see a pattern that can explain a lot for you, and that could become a blueprint for your future path. --
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layingon-forestfloors Ā· 10 years ago
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too tired for words.
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