#lifeserye

[fieldnotesandmusings]

ON PROCRASTINATION AND PRODUCTIVITY

It has been a season of procrastination for the past few months. I am feeling very lazy. I can't seem to finish my work targets. It is very hard to find things that spark joy these days. After getting back from abroad, I've gone out for a few times only. I used to recharge by going out before. But I'm too lazy now to make plans. I miss a lot of people but I'm too lazy to even reach out.

I've came across Joyce idea of having an accountability partner because sometimes we can be too kind to our selves and we give too much credit to ourselves to the point that it isn't good for us anymore so we need someone to check us up. That is actually a good idea. But my manager kind of already does that so I guess one is already plenty. Hello to my red flag.

But honestly, I feel like sometimes I just feel overwhelmed. My work requires me to study, analyze and learn new and difficult concepts everyday but I don't have the motivation to do so. I am just too lazy to work on anything. I've got no motivation and I've got no plans. Booyah to myself 2 years ago who's full of spark and joy. Where are you now?

[the-part-time-escapist]

Things I am grateful for this Month

1. Walking through an answered prayer

2. Growing in faith through the waiting

3. Doing religiously my skin care and self care routines

4. Rest and free time to do watever that suits me while preparing for what I prayed for: playing, writing in my journal, sleeping, watching vlogs, movies, shows and kdramas, spending time outside watching the sun set while playing music or just spending time with my Mamas plants, spending time with fam, trying to cook, quality time with friends

5. Realizations and learnings

PS: I watched Hannah P's vlog about creativity process. I realized that I love doing creative things. But I only showcased it here on tumblr. This has been a safe haven and a dumpster for my ideas and my curated contents. I'm thankful that I am back at this again and with a clear vision in mind that is to share God's goodness in my life. I wish to continue to show my creative side with this goal. I'm guilty of not posting some of my random snaps online because I feel like they are not worthy. But I've got tumblr and instagram project ideas that I want to try now so that I don't have to post the great ones only.

[fieldnotesandmusings]

Life is how you curate it

Made a mini vlog to compile some random moments and my life's highlights lately.

Here's 8 positive things so far

Got a new haircut

New desk set up. Finally bought a monitor so my eyes aren't suffering as much now

Explored a grocery store in the city that I have never been to

Tried the famous banana milk drink frequently featured in kdramas

Tried to do my work in a cafe for a change

Took a much needed 1-day VL to run some errands that has been pending for months

Slowly starting to journal and do devotionals again

Reached out to my friends

I really hope these small steps will make a difference. How y'all getting by?

[fieldnotesandmusings]

Warrior Up and Reset 2022

As per The Simplicity Habit Website, in order not to feel stuck, you have to set new goals based on your new dreams.

I have fulfilled my dream of going abroad. So, I should find new dreams. As I look again at my Ghant Chart which I made in 2020, I realized I did not actually include career goals. I guess finding a fulfilling job was not as important as it is for me right now. Maybe I was too assuming that everything will just fall at the right place.

There is a lot of uncertainty for me this year, more than ever. I decided not to renew contracts so I will need to go home without any job waiting for me. It is anxiety inducing not knowing what's going to happen in the next months of my life.

If I there was no Covid, if I decided to renew contracts and If I have saved enough, the plan would have been going home for vacation as well as travelling to Korea.

Right now, I don't have any big dreams or plans. Also, the options I have on my mind at the moment are not actually based on dreams but just a product of what I feel is the most practical thing to do moving forward considering I am still bound against my responsibilities at home.

I am at the point in my life wherein I need to prepare for the next transition in my life and to prepare for a new beginning. I should be dreaming and making plans.

Right now tho, I keep wanting to live a simple, lowkey but fulfilled life. I want a job that I care about and willing to suffer, a job that is fit to my personality, that would be able to support me to achieve my other goals in life and that is for long term already.

I need to find another job ASAP. If I won't find one, the other aspects of my life will be forced to be on hold. My life is always bound to a job and my income. Anyway, for 2022, the following are just the most important for me:

I am extremely anxious right now. But, I will manifest that the miracles in my life will happen. Everything will fall in God's perfect plan, will and timing. This is why for this year my themes will be, Warrior Up and Reset 2022. Warrior up because I need to fight through all my anxious thoughts, my fears and the uncertainties that my decisions will bring to my life. Reset because, this year, I will be back to square one.

[fieldnotesandmusings]

Life is one big transition

6 months to go before my journey ends here. It felt too far away when it was not yet final. But now that the endgame is certain, I felt the urgency of my uprooting. I am starting to think on the things I will be leaving behind, on the routine I will no longer be able to do when I leave, the things I would miss, the pieces that I will bring with me on my next transition and how the next months will unfold.

I do not know quite exactly how I feel. But the reality that my days here are numbered now brings me to a crossroad on how I should approach things and it begs the question to me

1.) If it is the right choice

2.) Whether it will lead me to where I should be or will it be another detour

3.) Will it jumpstart to the kind of life I intend to follow

4.) How much would it affect my family, financially

My journey here started with a dream. What once only a dream is now part of my life. I made it and that is enough.

Also, without my experience here, I will continue to look for happiness on the wrong things -- worldly satisfaction/big milestones (when I can draw satisfaction on the simple things). I will never embrace my yolk as a person (or life spark) nor realize the magnitude of my fear in losing another loved one and the need for me to be physically present in trying times.

I actually never intended to stay long considering my mother's age. I knew my stay here will be temporary only and I will be pursuing the next transition of my life after. I actually intended to stay here 4-5 years max. But, flow has changed and I am reseting early.

Now starts the long preparation of the goodbye that is soon to come and a preparation to the next transition.

However, I have encountered a striking question by Kuya Yayun in their podcast (Single and Searching -- For Home) about the prodigal son. His question was, if the prodigal son succeded, will he consider going back to the loving arms of his father?

I feel like I am the prodigal son at the moment. What if circumstances were different. Will I long to come home? Something I now ponder.

[the-part-time-escapist]

A P R I L H I G H L I G H T S

1. Hustle on things to improve in my new work

2. Meal Prep and food deliveries ( finaaaaally pizzaaaa)

3. Receiving plants to grow

4. Birthdays

5. Skin Care Addiction because breakouts is real

6. Watched anime after a few years: Violet Evergarden

7. Movies: Rewatched my movie faves (Leap Year and The Blind Side) New finds: (Two weeks notice, Miss Congeniality, a Sandra Bullock kind of month)

8. Covid

9. V-calls with fam and Shara (grateful for this wonderful lady who made time and really wanted to talk to me.. Talked for 2 hrs straight.. love you bff even tho you won't be able to read this)

10. ML gaming

11. First padala

12. Familiarize road and became interested on road signs from work to accomodation, vice versa

[the-part-time-escapist]

Just when my thoughts were overwhelming me, His assurance prevailed.

You are a child of God. You are loved. You are growing beautifully in you own pace. You will have strength to overcome all your struggles because God is always beside you. In Him alone is your strength. God never intended to abandon you. Always remember that the end goal is to grow in relationship with Him. Your current challenges are His way of showing you His steadfast and unfailing love. Look deeper. Seek more.

[the-part-time-escapist]

2020 - A year of living the dream, new begining, new place, new companions, new challenges and new hardships. This was a year full of "I don't think I'm gonna make it. I don't think I'm adequate." But made it through by His grace and by the support of my contants and fam. Grateful for them. 2020 became bearable. And I'm happy for my 2020 journal journey.

2021 - The only goal is to seek Him and to give honor to His name. Still halfway on my journey. But I believe in what God has promised in Isaiah 43:2. I continue to pray for joy, hope, strength, wisdom and resilience.

new bullet journal + room vibe ready. 2021, let's go!

[the-part-time-escapist]

Among the 5 love languages, I find it hard to give myself words of affirmation. Hence, I constantly seek it from other people to make me feel better. However, supply of words of affirmation from my constants are low these days so I need to try harder to give myself this. This might also be the reason I feel lonely and kept thinking when I will be able to find the one for me.

Most of the time, I just listen to worship songs to feel better because His promises are the best affirmation. But I still look for validation from others. Something I need to work on.

[the-part-time-escapist]

JUNE

The fear is overwhelming. But I thank you Lord for flooding my feed with your love. I am of little faith. I continue to hold on to the same because I know you are greater than whatever I am feeling right now.

I know they mean well for warning me to be fearful, careful and to perform well. I know they wanted to comfort me in their own words. But I am stucked. They say to push more, it is okay to make mistakes and there is more room for improvement. But they expect perfection, no less. They say it is okay to ask but it is a must to be independent. And I can't seem to define the borderlines.

But I have to make it through. I have made it this far by Your grace. And by the same grace, I will finish this race. Whatever the next days I may face. Please help me to trust in your merciful and loving ways.

[the-part-time-escapist]

Having faith doesn’t mean you’re passive or weak and it doesn’t mean you’re a quitter. Having faith means you’ve tried your best at something that still didn’t work out or you’ve repeatedly gone after something that kept eluding you so instead of dwelling on why certain things aren’t meant to be yours, you just drop it, you let it go because you have faith that what’s meant for you will eventually be yours and what’s not will be replaced by something much better for you.

[the-part-time-escapist]

Losing your trust to a friend is more tragic than just outgrowing your friends. I mean, it is hard for someone like me who is very selective on my relationships. It feels like when a friend just blew away the trust you gave, there's no turning back on that.

I know that forgiveness should come handy. But it just so hard to seam back all the pieces and go back to square one especially when all along the friendship is not what you thought it to be.

On the other hand, I just love the friendship of Ellie and Paul in The Half of it. Their acts of love is just heart warming. Now, I just realized that my main love language is acts of service, quality time and words of affirmation. And big news, my next pursuit will be love. But we'll still have to see what God has in store for me.