#lifeaswhole

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Blog Life as whole & FMP 28 APR 2020

Observe what you have been doing in the past is the only way to know who you really are.

Life as whole

I would say my family has always been very ��collectivism”. By saying this I don’t mean my parents would advocate “sacrifice for tor the group” like the term being used to describe a society. This “collectivism” in my family has been subconscious, I never noticed before I jumped out of it. No one in our family is independent indivudal, just like my dad used to say “he’s still rely on my grandpa in someway”. 

This “collectivism” can be observed in two aspects I think, financially and mentally. The concept of pocket money (零钱), namely the concept of “my own money”, didn’t exist in my mind (I probably still don’t have it but the idea started to develop now). When I was little, I used to feel shocked and even a little proud when I heard from my peer that they only have limited money to spend each week or month. When I wanted something, I would just go ask my parents to buy them, and I usually just got them without effort (yes I was really a spoiled child). I never had the concept of “my own money” because I never needed it. As my dad always said: “the best way to provent a child from “rebellion is to fulfill all his needs”. 

Of course my parents wanted me to be financially independent, but they did it in a wrong way. Before I came to the UK for the first year, my dad wanted me to open a “little Chinese restaurant” in my accommodation’s kitchen to cater other Chinese student so I can make money myself. The few months before my departure he repeatedly promoted the idea to me. I didn’t reject the idea neither excited about the idea, I just thought “yeah maybe I could try that”. I of course didn’t really open the “little restaurant”, because of two things I think: first, why the hell would you eat your peer’s cooking when you could spend hundrends of pounds to order various delivery food each month? Secondly, I still got unlimited living money from my parents. I guess my dad used to think pushing harder on me, but it was stopped by my grandpa. My dad once told me he spoke with my grandpa about pushing me to be financially independent but my grandpa said: “he is just a child”, so my dad just gave up. I think he explained not just to me but to himself as well. To my understanding, money, in my family, is not just “yours” but in some way “everyones”. In this setting, your money isn’t just your money but your son’s as well, your earning isn’t your earning but your dad’s as well. 

Then it is the mentality. No one in my family makes their own judge. From the judgement on small things like clothing style choice to life-long choices like future path ways, people in my family would unconsciously seeking guidance from seinor family memeber. This is not “actively seeking advice from others before decision”, but “passively throw the responsibility of making choice to other family members”. The extreme example being my mom. She has been living almost a decision-free life with my dad, she asks my dad to decide almost everything for her. She’s been a kind, beautiful and ignorant woman, taking me and my dad as her whole life. (I love my mom and I will defend her and make sure you will be  having a happy life) Before last year, the figure of my dad in my mind has been “the wisest man who always makes the right choices”, why would you making your own decision if there’s some one does it right for you? (why his figure shattered last year worth another whole seperate chapter) And my dad, as I wrote in the last paragraph, has been following my grandpa’s advice without a single doubt. 

Edit: a note to the financial situation I have been having in my university life. As living in a collectivism enviruament, while having unlimited living fee I’d subconsciously consider the family’s financial condition. When my dad’s making more money, I’ll be more comfortable to spend more money. But most of the time I’d refuse any spending other than neccessity like travel, clothing. And I’d choose the cheapest when I must buy. This family collectivism mentality makes me financially free and reluctant making money for myself. 30 APR 2020

Relationship with my parents in the future

I’ll be thinking about this question and write it in the future post.

FMP

Progressed 0% of FMP today. Been chatting with my friends and got inspiired to rethink my past life the whole day. I will finish the introduction part of the editing tommorow (hopefully).

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Blog  FMP and life as whole 24/25 APR 2020

FMP

I didn’t start editing. 24th motivation stayed low and failed to put myself back to work, 25th editing was interrupted by video call with my family. Time has never been so tight I must make change to my daily rountie and take action now. Reason why I have been staying unmotivated is being inside for too long. So from tommorrow I’ll take a run in the park 2-3 days once. Just to keep my spirit running. I’ll make a basic structure for both my final video and appraisal.

Life as whole

Looking back to my last 4 year (aka university life), it has been a mess. I have been doing different things for few months and most of them ended up without a fruit (photography, psychology, writing novels, making photobooks, etc). I couldn’t insist on doing one thing for long. The first solution for this is to keep writing the Blog, which is what I’m doing right now. 

The current life goal is to make myself financially independent. This is because I need to keep distance to my family and grow by myself. I’m by no means saying I don’t like my family, they has been perfect from many aspects, but if I continue to live with them (especially my parents), I’ll just be their extension, and “the self” I has been growing during my university life will be killed. 

First thing need to be done is to initiate the research of living cost in different country and city. 

Edit: What you are thinking is largely determined by what you have been paying attention to recently, and who’s around you. Focusing on making moeny for too long will certainly change my character towards the way I don’t like. So here is a reminder for my future self: Please keep doing the thing and contacting with the people which/who give you the inspiration to explore new things.

Edit 2: To round up my past acivitiy and thought a lil bit:

From September 2018, I spent a few months regretting why I didn’t choose psychology as my major, literally being depressed about it. Then I decided to study it by myself and started reading psychology textbook and going to Oxford public lectures. I then spent last summer (August to September 2019) reading the psychology textbook. I had been thinking doing a psychology master at that time but it turned out to be financially impossible.

Later September I went back to the UK and started seeking internship and making money to live. I worked at JGOO as a unpaid video editor and worked with AI beauty for paid video making at the same time. I quit my job at JGOO in November. During the time, I have also been planning online English teaching with Yu Jing, but it stayed as plan until now due to many reasons. In 2020, I’ve been mainly working on my fianl major project making and dissertation writing. This lasts till March, then coronavirus comes and I’ve been staying home since then.

Overall I’ve indeed been doing multiple things in the last one and half years, and many things were given up half way.But the main line of my line has been consistent, and I should keep walking in this direction.

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Blog FMP & LaW 07 MAY 2020

Life as whole -- Escape from family collectivism

This part will address my approach to my family in the future.

Escaping from my family collectivism is the first life changing challenge I have faced. It has been with me for my entire life and I’m glad now I finally become aware of it. 

My parents are being the most influential people to me in term of family collectivism thinking. I could literally feel my self-awareness dissolving by merely taking with them. And live with them longer than a week would just destory my self-awareness. I will contact my mom via video call monthly, just to make sure she won’t worry about me. My dad trys to control my life without being aware of it.  Before my dad changes his arrogant and ignorant attitude I will contact him as least as possible.  Surely he will worry about our relationship if I don’t contact him for too long, so I need choose a right moment to explain my thought to him at some point in the future.

My grandparents have no interests in controlling my life what so ever, they only care about my health and wellbeing. I’ll contact and visit them as frequent as possible, not only for me but to let them be happy so they’d enjoy a longer and healther life. But my dad might use them to put pressure on me to push me getting married and give him a grand child. In that case I must explain my life plan to them and see what’s next.

My uncle and my aunts have no interests of controlling my life either. I should visit them from time to time and bring gift to Gege. 

This is my initial plan on how should I dealing the relationship with my family in the future. Plan might change, but the principle stays the same: preserve my both ideal (精神上的) and financial (经济上的) independence.

FMP

Not much was happenning today. Need to start editing tomorrow.