#life is long and winding and istg it is worth it i need it to be worth it i want it to be worth it for all of you

[brockachu]

an update (not hockey related; cw for negative ideation, probably)

i'm officially debt free for the first time in my adult life. no more student loan, credit cards all paid off, no more car loan, medical debt paid off, housing stable, phone paid off, etc etc. i want to feel relieved. i want to feel grateful. i Am grateful. but i've never learned how to let myself enjoy a big thing without a lot of complicated feelings. in a sick way, i feel like i'm mourning more than i'm celebrating. i had to sell my house to get here. i turn 31 in a couple months and i still have no idea what 'career' i'm even aiming at. giving up my house & re-setting my 'career path' is a whole nother process of letting go of who i was clinging to being. a whole new cycle of figuring out who i want to be, what i want to do, knowing that things turn out ok but don't necessarily get easier.

i'm ok and surviving in a deeply broken and cruel society and i'm so mad that i can't Feel ok enough to make something better in a world that has been much kinder to me than it has been to so many others, people i've known and people i'll never know. it feels shitty to not be happy when i am doing so much better than maybe i 'deserve'. (i don't want to go into the fucked up concept of 'deserving' right now, but i could and maybe should eventually.) it feels shitty to be ok when so many people aren't. it's shitty and useless to everyone that i'm even thinking about this. i'm figuring out how to just accept, how not to make everything something i have to dissect, how to stop policing my own feelings and not even worry about them that much. i'm so fucking self-centered and i don't know what to do about it and it's still coming down to 'i feel' 'i am' 'i want' 'i ...' etc etc etc

Anyway, tomorrow i'm taking a day trip up to one of my fav art museums & parks a couple hours away and i'm gonna try to get tf over myself. and i hope y'all find something kind and fulfilling and beautiful that makes this world softer for you. i hope y'all forgive yourselves. i hope y'all are kind to yourselves. i hope i get there too.