#life in these pandemic times
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sure it was a perfect storm of a pressure cooker but i promise destiel was about destiel
#like 2020 was all building towards something. the isolation the pandemic the general uncertainty of day to day life#toss in the heated election and counting process. sure it *couldve* been anything else. but it *wasnt*.#it was destiel. that night there were even other rumours circulating about other shows. another show even had a huge reveal!#but the most widespread and known was destiel because of course it was! because thats what everyone was losing their mind over!#look at the statistics chart of a history of destiel interest over time! i promise the destiel interest is about destiel!#were people all equally invested? no! were some people memeing? yes! but by and large nov 5th became a juggernaut bc of destiel#as someone who literally was refreshing for election news and developed mania from seeing destiel go canon. it was about destiel#sure the intersection of destiel and election results was fun. but i posted way more destiel than election stuff. cause it was about destie#anyway. idk why im on a soapbox#char speaks#destielputinelection#destiel
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dsmp is still SO insane to me. still not completely convinced it wasn't a social experiment. it is something that can never be replicated again due to the really specific circumstances that attributed to it's creation and popularity
#the combination of everyone being inside due to the pandemic#the community giving everyone a space to connect#in a time where loneliness and mental health was reaching an all time high especially among youth#like idk. even after everything and a handful of ccs being revealed to be horrible shitbags#the dsmp will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart.#a story told in a medium no one has really explored before#the unique fantasy setting......the three life system allowing for more high stakes moments since there a character#could die multiple times to raise stakes#the emphasis placed on familial and platonic dynamics and how THEY can be just as complex and entertaining to watch/read abt like /r ships#the fandom revolutionizing gen fics and making a familial relationship reach the TOP OF AO3 STATS ONE YEAR???? insanity.#also just the ppl.#the amount of talented musicians and artists and writers and editors and all the ppl who lovingly transcripted and compiled lore streams#LIKE UGH.#im so emo about it#unfiltered queer representation bcuz#the story wasnt washed down by a corporation as it was given directly from the storytellers to the audience#the multiple povs allowing ppl to experience the same story in completely different ways#excellent depictions of the effects of mental illness/ptsd and 'imperfect' abuse survivors#ctommy my beloved#LIKE SIGH. WE ARE NEVER GETTING THAT AGAIN IN A FANDOM SPACE I FEAR#ok lol. ignore my rantings#dsmp#dream smp#starry text
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every time I go through my old posts I really miss how good of a time I had in star wars before it stopped being fun and half my dash turned absolutely insane overnight
#pandemic years s u c k e d but they were the best time to be in our little jedi loving corner#wish i could tell you guys all that's been happening in my life#the fun stuff i encounter at my job#but it just doesn't feel the same now
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having one of those mid-20s moments where you're like well damn. im really not a teenager anymore i dont hate myself anymore actually. like its insane
sorry i gotta ramble but this feels too silly to post anywhere else
#kk.txt#not snz#like for a while even the thought of like admitting i didn't hate myself felt like.. like i was being full of myself#idk what clicked in my brain a few years ago but it felt like i started to see myself more and like understand myself as a person#like i would a friend. and i just didn't think like that before i guess lmao#but like idk i dont talk about my personal life much but ive been recovering from post-pandemic agoraphobia#and i just went on my first big trip alone and im like. god its barely there anymore its just a little shadow in the corner of my mind#that only spreads occasionally now instead of overwhelming me#like im still terrible at a lot a lot a lot of social interaction type stuff but im like.. doing better than i thought id be able to#a few years ago. like idk im not good at.. change and especially conceptualizing myself as someone who can change and be fluid#like i really do think a majority of my person like my core morals and demeanor havent changed that much. and i like that#it makes me feel more secure to be that way#but at the same time its like my mental image isn't nearly as self hating as it used to be#like i used to picture myself as coming off basically the same way as that girl from watamote lmao like#ugly greasy awkward offputting weird#but now im like.. im just some guy... like yeah i have less experience putting effort into my appearance and i slouch and i have acne#but i am also capable of looking good occasionally. i dont need to do it all the time#ok i got off the bus and my train of thought died goodbye
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just went through all my blogs to change my age from 20 to 21 (today is my birthday!) and that’s to weird to do lol
#tbh i still feel like 17#1. the pandemic fucked up my perception of time#2. i thought id kms before i was 18#3. i’m in such a stable place with my mental health for the first time since i was 13 and i feel like ive missed the last 8 years of my life#- r
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I watched Jacks stream oh my gosh...
I thought I could handle a Dsmp stream in 2024 but nope. just- that felt SO much like just a stream that would happen in like 2021. the wandering around falling into random creeper holes, chat telling jack to get philza to help him, and to find michael, the mobs interrupting and how unplanned it all was. unscripted lore my beloved forever and ever.
the way that it's like in tommy and jacks conversation- they're talking about things in character that also relates to (presumably) their feelings in real life. just gosh...
when jack and tommy said their goodbyes and jack looked back at technos house to see the sun rising- like its so perfect in a way that the incidental roleplay always was. Like in the way I know I'm reading into it but it still works and it feels like real life when something happens and you find yourself in that moment and life looks almost like a movie- everything in it's proper place for the scene- but it's all just coincidence. the sun didn't rise because a writer wrote that it would. the sun just rises and falls and the conversation just happens to end at that exact moment.
idk just- I really felt it. It captured the feeling of peak dreamsmp that I've missed so much.
I don't even have a problem with nuke ending personally I think it's perfectly fine as an ending. How I've always seen it is: Everyones been hurt by everyone and violence begets violence so the great final act is nukes that will kill everyone that have all ready been launched so it can't be taken back. Then in the prison tommy sees the early parts of the server through Dreams pov and sees the good that was there at the start and how much that has been corrupted since and he wants that simplicity again (he and dream were even friends at one point) before everything went terrible for everyone. Dream turns his back on his plan that he's been building up to for so long cause what he really wants is the same thing as tommy. for things to be simple like at the start. but it's too late- its too far gone. the nukes have already been launched there's no going back. just the hope that maybe in another world things could've been different.
(also the added context of nuke ending being an elaborate character/relationship/map reset to setup a season 2 that never happened.)
So there's my nuke ending defense lol. I know it wasn't very popular with a vast amount of people and that's okay too.
I think ending something like dsmp was never gonna be easy or satisfy everybody, with how many individual povs there are and storylines. I always expected there to be things left unfinished. (unfinished symphony ;) Even if that's pretty unsatisfying for us viewers. (there's a particular stream I really wish had happened with foolish, dream, and eret)
idk there's a post I always remember when thinking about the ending that was like: "Maybe they couldn't write a happier ending at that time in their lives." (super paraphrasing) obviously talking about techno's passing. it's a bit assumptive but the CC's have talked publicly about how much that has affected them (of course it did). With something like that I imagine giving your minecraft server/roleplay character a happy ending is the last thing on your mind.
Todays stream felt like grief and nostalgia and complicated feelings for a time that has passed but still left it's marks on you:
“are you happier?” “I'm getting there”
like, that just says it all.
#dreamsmp#jack manifold#tommyinnit#dreamsmp finale#I don't really make my own posts on here- especially not like this (giving my thoughts/opinions on stuff lol) I made this acc to-#-look at and reblog dsmp posts and fanart. To see ppl on my dash lore posting the daily streams- it was truly a time.#please excuse my dsmp nuke ending analysis- I'm sure it reads a bit clumsy it isn't really something I have ever written before.#lore discourse in this fandom has always been kinda terrible so I never wrote out my thoughts on the ending when it happened#so it was nice to finally do so ^_^#this entire post was written very stream of thought#anyways the dreamsmp will always be something that I love! Thinking about it and these streams and these characters has brought me so much-#-happiness. (and gave me something to do during the pandemic lol)#part of my missing the dsmp is just how all these creators would talk with each other all the time end up on each others streams and collab#-but when it ended it felt like they all just went their own way. I get that people drift away and stuff thats pretty normal.#I guess with how long dsmp went for I just didn't expect it.#(obviously so much has happened between the dsmp ending and to now irt the ccs and everything. idk I just didn't expect that dsmp would be-#-the last place so many of them would ever interact publicly again. I expected to be able to watch them on other servers or collabs)#but such is life#okay- time to never post again for a year! byeee#text post#long post#pizzainator post
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By implying that children are too stupid and rude to learn about the world and learn how the world works and how to interact with others, you are casting responsibility away from the people who are responsible for that child's upbringing and placing the blame on the children (who don't have the autonomy given to them to be allowed to decide what they want) who can't help what they do and do not learn, often.
If the children aren't okay, then investigate why before turning to thought-terminating clichés of, "Well, the kids are just stupid and dumb and aren't even worth the effort because they're lazy!"
#youth liberation#i was really bothered when i saw this clip where this person was saying almost verbatim that...#...'kids [these days] are too STUPID and they're teachers are scared!'...#...why is the blame placed on the kids who have no control over school curriculum and what their home life is like or if they have money...#...it's because when you place the blame on the people with no power or control you don't have the responsibility to change circumstances..#...you essentially keep the status quo while simultaneously belittling a group of vulnerable people...#...and thus you feed into the cyclical nature of the broken education system#the kids these days AREN'T okay but it ISN'T THEIR FAULT...#...it's the fault of late-stage capitalism and poorly-funded education and a world that wasn't even built with them in mind...#...they had NO PART in the creation of the world which is hostile to their entire existence#don't mind the incorrect usage of their in the second tag i was so focused on how pissed i was#also remember how a good chunk of these kids lived through *checks notes* the fucking PANDEMIC LOCKDOWN#which was a clown show in terms of supporting kids and their parent/s#some places handled lockdown in the US better than others but holy fuck in my area at least it was a nightmare#what do you expect from parents who are now working full-time and teaching part/full-time and parenting full-time?#what support exactly are you expecting they recieved? because you'll likely find they got either a little or NONE#hilarious that i used the wrong their in a post subtweeting about education LOL#look i was focused on how PISSED i was lol cut me some slack here
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superman is your favorite character he is my bestie
#fun fact about me as a kid I was obsessed with tue adventures os superman#I casually listen to his radio show evwry now and then when I remember it's existence#was absolutely addicted to smallvile#superman and lois were my comfort show forba while#and used to read his comics for comfort back in the pandemic#the funny thing is that he and Harley are characters so intertwined into my life I kind of forget I absolutely adore them#blorbos in law that works more like childhood friends who I call from time to time
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If I have a busy week I can’t wait for a week where I have less stuff going on because I feel overwhelmed. If I have a week with less stuff going on I feel utterly useless. Can I not strike a happy medium here???
#delete later#sorry#I’m only working two days this week and I’m feeling gross about it#and we’re getting into the end of the year and I always start stressing about my life not going anywhere around then#and yeah pandemic years barely count but I’ve been out of high school for like nearly five years and I’ve done barely anything in that time#uggghhgh
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Like three of my coworkers in the past month have tested positive for covid, every day I see new ppl on my dash mentioning that they’ve caught covid, every day I see and hear from ppl who have come down w something that looks like covid but the test came back negative but also they can only afford to test once bc tests aren’t free anymore and the more accurate tests are also more expensive so there’s no way to know if it was a false negative, and yet nobody masks anymore. hell world hell world
#meg talks#like i feel like im losing my mind. i will admit that ive probably gotten too bold abt going out in public#but at least i never go out without wearing a clean n95#and then i immediately look around and see no one else is wearing one and im like well fuck me i guess.#i refuse to get on an airplane or have anyone come visit me via plane bc fucking every time someone ik gets on a plane#they come back with covid#and i just keep thinking back to the start of the pandemic and the efforts to flatten the curve#and how if we’d just fucking. done it. if the lockdown wasn’t lifted so fast. we could have killed covid#instead we’re going on four years of this. and ppl just act like life is normal again#well it’s not normal for me. catching covid could ruin my body and cost me my job and then what#but nobody cares bc most precautions protect other ppl around us more than they protect ourselves#and nobody gives a shit abt the disabled#nor do they want to think abt the fact that they are one covid infection away from being disabled themselves
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yet another day of me feeling like a sopping cat clinging to a sea cliff being battered by the waves, knowing i cant hold on for much longer cause my paws are wet and they will slip
#my utterly fascinating life#this has been my life since the pandemic started#god that really messed me up#i didnt even realize it at the time#i was so social and happy#then the pandemic passed#and i couldnt talk without freezing up and stuttering#i dont even know when i changed#but the anxiety started#moonstone screams into the void
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#thinking of dinosaurs and troodontids were my favorite dinosaurs as a child#when younger i had a real full troodontid tooth fossil that meant a lot to me#for a time we lived within a few kilometers of hadrosaur sites and troodontid sites#while wider general area had many sites of recovery for the big celebrities like tyrannosaur and multiple dromaeosaurs#at that time troodontids were kinda infamous for i think the depiction in some childrens field guides and dino books#which depicted like a fantasy speculative humanoid troodontid based on 1980s model at Canadian Museum of Nature in ottawa#anyway would visit a small local paleo center a lot and woman in her 70s or 80s ran the counter of their center and rock shop#one day she asked me what my fave dino was and i said troodon so she pulled out the tooth and just gifted it to me#in little black case size of ring box with padding and transparent plastic viewing cover kinda like laminate for displaying a trading card#tooth got stolen from out my vehicle while giving some people a ride while at university before i got too poor for tuition#later during first year of pandemic owner of my storage unit died and new property owners threw away everything i ever owned#i was homeless anyway lost job due to early pandemic closures and had to allocate any money to insulin and other prescrip meds#but wouldve found a way to save my things if the new owners had contacted me#they threw out photoalbums y backpacking gear y books y musical instruments y clothes y artwork y camera y all family keepsakes#and all childhood treasures like souvenirs and gifts and school awards and writing portfolios and all the little memories#which i was always sentimental about as child#from earliest age my room looked like a natural history museum with plants and maps and library of field guides#and rocks and field trip keepsakes and all kinds of little animal figurines and mother had painted room in forest greens and browns#to feel like a forest and among the succulent plants and a globe sat the troodon tooth#parents passed when i was a child#never near any family and were always moving never got to settle into proper stable place then father passed after long sad illness#and mother put in so much effort but she passed few years later and i could not take care of myself or my remaining material possessions#and so im still quite hurt having nothing whatsoever remaining of my childhood or school friends or mother or life generally#and when trying to process grief my thoughts often come back to the troodontid tooth as a focal point a distillation of what was lost#even when young i knew it was advised not to become too connected to material physical possessions#but still there are some small little trinkets in our lives that seem to hold so much meaning and i tortured myself for losing that tooth#thinking about troodon reminds me of childhood
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biting the bullet and rewatching twin peaks i need to get lost in this world the same way i did in 2019-2020
#my memory is hazy as to whether i watched this before or during the pandemic or both#i only remember this show was there for me during the worst time of my life lol#and as a scaredy cat this instilled terror in my heart at some points
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someone (probably my sister) got me sick this weekend and now i'm miserable
#i wanna write but i just don't have the energy#also my insomnia decided this would be a great time to visit#and that has not helped#so anyway#the pandemic was obviously terrible#but it was the first time in my life that i went four years without getting sick from ANYTHING#and now that i'm back out in society i've been getting sick again occasionally and i don't care for it#i should become a proper hermit
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Friend: yeah idk if you can eat/like Indian food but this particular dish is really yummy
Me: I mean I don't eat Indian often but I think you're forgetting the time that [Indian trans woman friend] was staying at my place? I wasn't charging her rent so she just cooked for us every day while we were either asleep or at work whether we wanted her to or not
Friend: OH YEAH THAT'S RIGHT
#I miss her honestly she was great#she moved out and in with her new gf and I've since lost contact#I saw her from time to time after and hung out but#the pandemic was really rough on us all#she couldn't afford to get sick and then I had to move so I could buy my house#she kept apologizing for being a burden and I was like#girl I'm not kicking you out#stay as long as you need#if I can guarantee one thing in life it's that my friends have a roof over their head#and if that roof has to be mine then it will be#plus food in their stomaches and a warm place to sleep#I don't have much but no one goes without if I can help it
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one of my best friends is about to have a baby today........... so weird to be on the periphery of something so life changing. I want to go "life is going to change forever" as if it hasn't already
#I was thinking last night about how different we both are from the versions of us that were being young and active and busy and fit in pgh#before the pandemic and before her very targeted focused dating efforts yielded her the result she wanted (her now-husband)#[also I don't say that cattily lol she had the most coolheaded and down-to-business approach to dating bc she knew what she wanted.#and it worked!]#anyways I think back on that halcyon year of 2019 when we went to spin classes and spent every weekend doing something#or hanging out in her tiny mt. washington studio where we could watch downtown buzz at night#truly it was such a short period of time in retrospect. she convinced me to move here + then a year and a half later the whole world changed#and so too did we#I miss the her of those years (and I miss the me) but I'm making peace with not getting her back. it's cool to see her on this new journey#which she has worked so very hard for. like I cannot overstate the methodical and intentional way in which she has shaped her life to be#what she wants out of it. accounting for many bumps along the way that she's weathered admirably.#anyways within the next 48 hours she should be a mom. that's crazy#I feel weird when everyone around me is making lifechanging moves while I'm ''ho hum where should I go on vacation in the next 2 years'' lol#ay yai yai. strange to not want things other people want and being fine with that until you start losing touchpoints with your peers#then you're like. hang on now. what am I supposed to be doing right now
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