#lidia watches stuff (sometimes)

[purrvaire]

I can't explain the sheer joy I've felt at hearing Hayden Christensen calling Ahsoka "Snips" 😭

[taegularities]

hi dear rid!

solitude is indeed one of humanities worst "illnesses", it doesn't matter if we're surrounded by people when our hearts start feeling lonely, unheard and uncared for.

i understand deeply how you feel about being lonley most of the times, because i am just the same most of the time. but, whenever i am stuck in these kind of periods where loneliness drains all of my positive and optimistic thoughts, i try to write down affirmations that remind me that, even if i am feeling this way, there's little things and moments with the people that care for me where i feel the most loved and cherished.

i don't know if this will be of any use for you, but journaling has also being a new addition to my life and even if i don't do it often, it does help with my gloomy thoughts.

also, i want to remind you that even if it's not the same as being real life friends, i will always be here for you and i am sure most of the people that follow you here think just the same <3

lots of love to you, my lovely, i am sure that any storm that might be looming over you will pass soon and i will be here to watch you bloom again <3

my love omg 🥺 please, i can't even express my gratitude for you coming through and giving me all that advice. so maybe i truly am wrong and am cared for. thank you, lidia. i try journalling and noting down stuff sometimes! so i have this lil blue notebok that i use to just dump all my thoughts into. it's completely random, doesn't follow a pattern and is supposed to provide comfort — there's a poem on one page, a diary entry on another and recipes and drawings further down the line LOL. it helped me through the pandemic, so i might pick it up again and follow your advice... ty, truly 🥺

i appreciate it so much that you care for me and love me.. warms my heart like nothing else :( love you and hope you are okay and eating and sleeping well 🤍

[train-whistles-at-night]

❦ - lips, ♫ - singing voice, ✿ - laugh, ⌨ - time-wasting habits. For any of ur ocs

NIKKI BC IM IN A NIKKI MOOD

❦ - lips

I wish I could say rlly soft an supple n shit, but honestly. This child doesn’t fucking know what chapstick is, its not easy to come by and its not worth wasting money on something she’ll lose in the span of a week probably. They’re kinda chapped and cracked, and she’s had to get over the habit of biting her lips more than once, but she’s doing better. They’re a soft red, and really they are kinda soft, if not a little dry lmao. Her kiss would be sweet, but very quick. She’s not much of a kissing type of person anyway lMAO

♫ - singing voice 

Alto. Definite Alto. She can’t reach higher notes without her voice cracking, but her voice is smooth, and calming. When she sings with Max, her best friend who is a Tenor, they sound low, and kind of haunting depending on the song. But you remember it, and it plays in your mind and god, it soothes the soul on longer nights to listen to her sing. It reminds you of rainy stormy nights when you are wrapped up in your blanket at home. It’s a warm tone, and rich, and makes you feel kinda... Safe, honestly.(Honestly, her singing voiceclaim is P!NK)

✿ - laugh 

When it was younger, it tinkled and carried and floated through the air. Now she’s older, and it’s shorter, cuts off a little abruptly sometimes. If you’ve known her for long enough, it’s kind of obvious she’s kind of self conscious about it nowadays. But if shes alone, or with Max, she laughs and it’s loud and infectious. It immediately makes you smile. She almost moves her whole body when she laughs, her shoulders shake. She’s happy, and it’s wonderful.

⌨ - time-wasting habits 

She just really.. She stares and walks a lot. Mutters to herself, or Lidia.  She walks around, even at night (though she takes a flashlight, thank god) and mutters to herself and Lidia, has full conversations with her, even.She finds Max, sometimes, spends time with him and let’s him talk and vent and tell her story even if she’s not catching all of it. He knows she’s trying.She listens to things, people. And that, she people-watches. A lot. Doesn’t quite catch conversations in it’s entirety, but she listens, thinks, still talks to Lidia.Really a lot of her time-wasting stuff is just her talking to Lidia. She’s a good conversational partner, more or less, anyway.

[allsortsotings]

UPDATE

After talking to my wonderful Mother and many other caring friends I found a new found confidence and really felt the support from others.

I made lunch on the Tuesday following the given instructions then felt really frustrated when I rang the bell twice and no one came to eat. It wasn’t really about the bell or not turning up it was just an amalgamation of feeling undervalued and unrecognised. Perhaps ‘the destruction of the self’ that is apparently behind the root of all problems whose tracing are often stopped when reaching the mother or father.

By the time anyone turned up I was in a raging mood and felt almost uncontrollable, like the black energy inside me was at the forefront, making me slam my notebook on the table and storm into the pilgrim’s cabin in a child like tantrum. I cried and bawled and felt helpless, like the same problem was chasing me everywhere. In trying to escape a feeling I was suppressing it and thats why it manifested itself here. In trying to leave the nest of control, I had entered a new realm of familial control.

The situation here is so intense that it’s hardly surprising that it can so easily become a kind of psychodrama for those involved. With one stepping into the dominant role of father, and the rest of us as the kids. This is definite and agreed upon as an observation, but how to enjoy it in a free and childlike manner? Rather than in a brattish, irritable and insolent one.

I climbed into the other field and ran down the steep grassy mountain with tears and rage falling from my face. I whined and moaned to an involuntary audience of trees, river, and rocks. Not knowing how to calm down I walked and scrambled until there wasn’t anywhere else to go. Turning back with the subconscious obligation to fulfil the day’s plans of heading to Corollos, I found Nik looking for me in the cabin.

He understood that the whole thing was like a reliving of childhood pain and thus so difficult to handle without emotion. He said that it could be a good opportunity to heal and learn, to overcome fears, but also that we could go if I really didn’t want to stay any longer.

The options made things feel a little better and I managed to get into the truck packed with stuff. We weren’t entirely allowed to sit together so as not to make one feel like a taxi driver, but it was okay because I had saved Morning Side by Four Tet so had a good twenty minutes of Indian instrumental and mountain scenery to go on. Am starting to really enjoy that song - before thought it was trying too hard to be an Indian instrumental track maybe a bit like Nissim but failing to have the gritty soul to it - now after experiencing it with some fresh vegetable pakoras in the sun it feels different. Good memories attached.

We got to Lidia’s empty Panera and I was allowed to chill on the internet in the absolutely beautiful surroundings that were dusted with a streak-free finish for oncoming tourists. Our gardeners muddy boots were to be strictly taken off before entering and we were ordered to leave without a trace.

Calming down was good and before dinner we used a kundalini yoga session from YouTube in the living room. I was happy that we all did it together and it really did add a calmness and warmth to the atmosphere that was distinctly missing before. We ate dinner together and I was able to calmly point out certain behaviours that I found affecting or controlling which was also received with grace and a little humour. Being calm, honest and open completely worked.

Friday we did a lot of great work: digging out the garden to fit a fence, fitting a fence, mulching, weeding, adding dung, etc. Everything smelled like poo but it was still enjoyable and the weather was beautiful. There’s something special about Lidia’s place in Corollos. It’s so tasteful and calm. As long as you don’t feel restricted by the streak free finish.

After work it was so lovely to eat a well earned dinner together outside in the sun. We stopped at a lovely local cafe and shared a huge plate of patatas with aioli and deep fried octopus with fresh bread. We drank two bottles of sidra between the three of us which definitely hit the head after a lunch of about ¼ an apple, some walnuts and a turmeric milk. I stood up to go to the toilet and felt that thuddy fuzzy feeling. I also for about 10 minutes thought I was locked in the toilet and considered escaping via the window, trying to heave the lock open using a tissue for grip, before eventually realising what I was trying to pull was a bolt and the door was already unlocked.

We then stopped, as Friday tradition, at a friend named Jorje’s, who is recovering from heart surgery. His wife Mar makes beautiful ceramics and paints them in her workshop with earthy oxides. Like last time, there was a big red bowl of salted popcorn set on the table on our arrival, whilst we dumped two bottles of red wine alongside.

The couple are fascinatingly beautiful and their faces read like maps of their emotional lives. I enjoyed just watching them speak and feeling their energies as the lines in their expressions animated the air. It was also such an incredible experience to be able to converse in Spanish in such a local, fun and unintimidating way. They are such welcoming people and one feels comfortable to say as little or as much as they like.

I tried to express the sentence 'do you think its possible that he committed terrorist activities before he got convicted of this one, but the petty crimes were the only ones the police could get him on?’ in Spanish but totally lost everyone and needed a translator. Sometimes word-for-word translation really does not add up. The expressions in response to my attempt were also fantastic: a slowly developing screwed-up confusion mixed with trying wholeheartedly to interpret.

Just as we were about to leave more friends showed up: Pepe and Jose-Manuel, with homemade pizza and yet more sidra. Their personalities were also highly animated and Nik and I were so happy to snuggle back and just watch as the energies filled up the room. There was so much warmth, and it felt real to interpret that the meeting was about so much more than the words themselves. It was the friendship, the care for each other, and the playing out of their roles as animated; ridiculous; supportive; encouraging; humorous.

Eventually with our eyelids losing life, we piled back into the truck and headed home for hot chocolate and bed. It was a special night filled with warmth and collectivity. This was kind of why it hurt the next morning (Saturday) to be lambasted for arriving late to breakfast.

I felt so disappointed by the sudden change in demeanour that I decided to confront it head on. I went into the cabin and said 'You know when you said that every time you speak I look like something inside me is making me want to kill you?’

'Yes yes but that was one of my many, poor, jokes’

'But it wasn’t that much of a joke and I want to explain..the whole time here, since day one, has been a painful trigger of childhood memories..'etc

We sat down and talked, him mostly, and it felt productive. The most important thing to me was that we hugged. I really feel the need to connect with people and share love and good feelings and I find it hard when I cant do this. Helping people is also something that I find instinctive and maybe when I cant I also feel quite purposeless. Perhaps part of this journey is finding peace with that, or being able to cope in a manner less emotionally destabilising. Perhaps it is part of knowing when to relent.

Now things are easier and I have found a way to manage the conversation in a way that doesn’t make me feel controlled or bullied. It’s still hard because sometimes talking can start to feel more like a battle than a conversation, but it is getting easier as I feel stronger. This 'Dad’s family’ psychodrama situation has also been shaping for both of us, allowing to understand the progression from child to definite adult, with definite preferences, thoughts, feelings, and the definite option to act on them. We are free.

Lying down, talking through old instances, old pains and things that have bubbled up to the surface or rained down through the clouds on the tops of these mountains, have allowed us to feel good about what we now see in our reality: snow-topped peaks, eucalyptus trees, grassy banks and planted fig trees. We chose this life and it is ours to do with what we like. We can choose happiness and living the life that we want, and that is okay.