#letterstomyfuturedaughter

[letterstomyfuturedaughterr]

9/19/24 - 11/28/24 YOU'RE HERE

9/19/24

SURPRISE! We're having a baby! Turns out you can get pregnant from a one and done situation. All those scare tactics have some merit to them, who would have thought? After giving 'trying' a shot for the first time, I was curious to see how things would go. The week leading up to what would have been my period I had a bit of spotting, assuming it was just early period symptoms. It was bizarre to equally want it to be my period and not be my period. Were we really ready to be parents? If it didn't work did that mean something was wrong? We saw a lot of Aunty Escely and Uncle Chris in September before their little girl joined us Earth side and Es mentioned that you can have implantation spotting, so I was really unsure where I was at. Monday spotting continued and I had mostly ruled being pregnant out, we even went to Paul and Ray's house for Spanish dinner on Tuesday and I enjoyed a couple glasses of wine, turns out those were my last for a while. I woke up Thursday morning with a gut instinct to just check to confirm and 2 tests immediately turned positive. That was it. We were going to be parents. I cried, mostly in shock, and left a note for your dad when he woke up. Spending those couple of moments alone...well I guess not really alone...but to myself to process helped. We've wanted this and felt good about the decision, and at the same time making it real felt so heavy and scary and exciting all at once. Michael came to greet me in the bathroom and we hugged and cried for a while. He was beyond thrilled and so so happy. I've never seen him as joyful as he's been for the last 3 months. He's been waiting a long time to be your papa.

9/20/24

Annual Fall Baking Day with Escely and Paige literally the day after finding out I was pregnant, starting to feel nauseous already from pregnancy or from having to a keep a massive secret from my favorite two people? Who knows. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Both noticed I was off and weird. Weeks of secret keeping commenced. I hated it.

9/21/24

Annual Fall Girl Dinner....yes, the timing was impeccable. I was tired and quiet and had to keep a massive secret from my favorite women. 0 stars. However, Escely happened to show up to the party about an hour early and asked how I was feeling and if I ever ended up spotting more or getting my period. I looked at her and I cracked...I couldn't keep it in with just the two of us there and it was such a beautiful moment to share with her. We cried and hugged for a long time and she told me that all of our dreams were coming true. I don't even think it had hit me fully yet until she said that. Having her know made it so much more real and I will treasure that memory forever. She was sworn to secrecy and kept it, I was thoroughly impressed. Plus it was SO nice to have a female friend to talk to about this especially as she was 7.5 months pregnant and an expert. So so grateful for her, always.

10/8/24

Michael and I told your Omi about you with a family legacy book for her to fill out. She was utterly shocked and so so happy. Seeing her joy was so healing for me, I am so excited and grateful you are going to get the best version of her. It is such a gift for me. Telling more people feels so good and so much more real.

10/12/24

Celebrating the Marr birthdays and 'telling' Chris and Escely about our news. Chris cried and jumped around, it was unbelievably sweet to see him so excited for all of us. Him and Michael are going to be the very best dads and I am so so grateful they have each other.

10/23/24

First doctors appointment confirms you are really in there and looking healthy and strong. So commences the arduous and annoying process of dealing with the US healthcare system. Could absolutely be worse, but still not great.

10/28/24

Told your Aunty Paige (and uncle Vim) at the Rose, where else. Caught her reaction on video, truly so heartwarming. She was shocked and so happy. SO many tears. It was hilarious hearing her piece together the many things that should have been a dead giveaway over the last two months. I was like yes I've been weird and quiet, I am pregnant and feel absolutely awful and also hate keeping secrets. Having our closest people know feels so so so good. It's so much better with all of the community love.

11/6/24

Elia (Ellie) Ymani Marr is born!!! It was so unbelievably special to see her on her first day on Earth, we both got to hold her and soak in all her freshness and love. Chosen family big moments mean so much and I can't wait for you to be a part of all the people's lives who mean so much to us and who already love you like crazy.

11/15/24

IT'S A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've never been happier in my life. I genuinely had zero idea what you would be. I had hoped dearly you were a girl, but had genuinely worked on being at peace if you were going to be a boy. But the unfiltered joy that seeped out of me when we found out you're a girl...I will never have the right words. Aunty P organized a beautiful flower arrangement for a little gender reveal for us and when we pulled off the cloth to see those pink tones...I lost it. It's everything dad and I have ever wanted. Knowing too that you're genetic testing has come back and everything looks healthy and normal AND you're a girl....this is when it really started to be real for me. It sunk in knowing this info, it felt like I could breathe a bit easier. More to come later on all of the feelings of the first trimester, but getting to that point made all the difference for me. You were real, you were okay, and you're joining the coven. I can't wait.

11/28/24

We tell grandma and grandpa about you in person when they visit for Thanksgiving! They're shocked and very happy. We're curious to see how they will lean into this phase of life with you and us. We told the world on Thanksgiving, sending extra gratitude for all the people in our lives who love us so much and love you already. So many friends and family think we're going to be great parents, I really hope we live up to it. Telling everyone and getting to share our joy with people who love us has been the most beautiful part of this process. It's pure magic as the three of us, but there's something about bringing in our community that makes it all that much more real and powerful. You've got a lot of people in your corner little lady.

Your dad and I could not be more happy or at peace about you and we cannot wait to meet you. We are excited to love on you and soak up our last months together just us two and we are so excited to welcome you to our family. We keep manifesting that you are healthy and come when you are fully ready to, and keep asking that you be okay in there until the time is right. We're doing everything we can to love on you and keep you healthy and safe.

We love you kiddo, so so much.

Always,

[inner-thoughts-spoken-heart-blog]

~Letters To My Future Daughter~

Letter 2:

Don’t cry. Don’t waste tears on the most carefree days of your life. Yes, the most carefree, I’m sorry to tell you it will only get harder from here. Stop hating your life because you can't do all the things you want to do, I promise you will. You will get to drive, go to the beach with friends, travel, go to parties. Enjoy your young years being young. Be as young as you can be. Embrace the boundaries and constraints, your freedom will come.

[crowonthepowerline-blog-blog]

Day 20: my handwriting #letterstomyfuturedaughter #febphotoaday (Taken with instagram)

[letterstomyfuturedaughterr]

9/15/24 Heavy Hearted

Hey Kiddo,

These last couple weeks have felt heavy. Dad and I have been having lots of tough conversations, he's really working through a lot of things to be the best version of himself for you and for me and for us. I'm so proud of him for putting in all the work, and also it's so tiring and heavy to be supporting him and bearing the weight of his frustrations as he goes through this process. Relationships require a lot of hard work, all the time. #nosmallwork Never ending stretching to be the best version of yourself and give someone else the patience and space and love to do that for themselves. When you've been together as long as we have, 11+ years, you've seen each other through so many different phases and challenges. It's worth it in every way, and also it's hard work and some seasons are harder than others. We're doing our best to keep working on ourselves and us as a team. I'm just feeling tired and worn down a bit.

Waiting for you is more emotionally exhausting than I anticipated. It's a strange feeling to be simultaneously sad and so so happy. Feeling very full of all the feelings. Had to work on acknowledging my sensitive nervous system and her needs, especially this last week. Grateful to have tools of getting back in my body more quickly, letting her reset a bit. Have spent some good quality one on one time with your Tia Escely before the little one arrives, that has felt super nourishing and means a lot to me. I'm looking forward to seeing how we navigate this change together.

Crossing my fingers my energy is up this next week and I can learn to trust myself more. Jaimi said this week that it's such a gift to give yourself full self trust, trying to work on that more.

Until next time.

Love always,

[letterstomyfuturedaughterr]

8/28/24 Both And

Hey Kiddo,

I can see it now. I see it in the way I cry over tender moments, strong in my vulnerability. I see it in the way I care for my body and believe in her ability to do hard things. I see it in how I love to learn everything I can to be informed and do something well. I see it in advocating for my own needs. I see it in advocating for others. I see it in how I love the people close to me. I see it in how I'm a sensitive, boundaried queen. I see it in how I hate the patriarchy and am scared to have a son. And scared to have a daughter. I see it in the way I braid hair or rub a back when someone needs it. I see it in the way I go over the top to celebrate literally anything. I see it in the way I know a favorite dessert and make it for a birthday. The way I remember details and make someone feel seen and heard. The way I use my voice. The way I love to find faces. The way I love the water and hate the heat.

I see me as mom because I see me. It doesn't have to change or be this different identity, it's me and I am it (or I will be). I've been so scared for so long to get sucked into what examples and society determines to be a mom and I've ran so far from those expectations. It's been deeply cathartic and empowering to remember that I do not subscribe to those pressures or expectations in any other part of my life, why would this have to be different? I can do this my way, still being me, and giving a big f*ck you to the world telling me how to live my life. That's for me to determine, no one else. I can see it now and I'm excited.

And also, I'm terrified.

I'm afraid that because I've had to, and can, handle hard things I am doomed to have a difficult pregnancy or scary birth. I'm scared of being left behind and left out of the friends with daughters club. I'm afraid I will do something wrong and have to endure extra pain. I'm afraid of being scrutinized for having a body that doesn't fit into the world's standard. I'm afraid of losing myself. I'm afraid you'll hate me. I'm afraid of being too much or that Michael decides to leave. I'm afraid the world won't live long enough for our child to grow old. I'm afraid I'll never stop crying.

And also, it's what I want.

I want a healthy and easy pregnancy. I want to feel like a woodland witch goddess, a force of nature drawing in woodland creatures. I want to float in the ocean and feel so connected to mother earth and the cosmos with a tiny universe growing inside me. I want to lay in a field of wildflowers and feel like I'm one of them for what I'm making in my body. I want to feel more powerful than I've ever been (and I'm pretty powerful as it is). I want to feel like my very best self while pregnant, powerful and strong and soft and glowing and so so happy. I want to not throw up. I want unconditional love out the gate. I want to understand myself in new ways. I want to have another reason to fight like hell to make the world a better place. I want the deeply loving bonding. I want the family. I want the purest reflection of my own creativity and essence. I want something in the world so full of love that lives beyond me. I want to be more powerful than my fears. I want to play and submerge myself in all of the magic and wonder of life through your eyes. I want to read stories as you fall asleep. I want to look at you and look at Michael and have the most incredible unspoken language. I want to slow down and know my limits. I want to discover new dreams and goals. I want to see you so loved as an extension of everyone who loves me so very much. I want to know you your whole life. I want to get to know you and all your quirks and joys and fears. I want to do my best.

I want so much more than what terrifies me. I see it now.

Love always,

[letterstomyfuturedaughterr]

8/19/24 Omi the Leo Queen

Hi sweets,

I thought of you today because it's your Omi's birthday, my mom, your grandmother.

I’ve always been touched by stories where people have time with the people who have hurt them, and the healing that happens when they share in that vulnerable moment. There is something so beautiful and humanizing that happens when someone is able to be brave and vulnerable enough to apologize, and when someone can forgive.

We took Omi out for a birthday dinner and she took time to share that’s she’s so grateful for my patience with her taking all the time it took her to learn how to see herself. It was never her intention to hurt, but she’s sorry that happened. I wish I could say it was surprising, but some part of me has always hoped, believed, known she would get here. We have been working with so much love for so many years and I always knew we would get to a point of so much love and mutual respect and compassion. Our stories are so intertwined, we've grown up together, and I am so grateful and proud of how we've healed, individually and together. It meant everything to hear her say it though. I am so grateful that you are going to know best version of her. I am so beyond full of joy that you will get to be so loved by her, so nurtured by her, so protected. Timing of life is so wild little one.

Til next time my love,

[letterstomyfuturedaughterr]

8/14/24 Summertime Sadness

Hey Kiddo,

I'm back after a long and fun summer of living it up. Italian dinner parties, showering Tia Escely and her little one on the way, TAYLOR SWIFT IN GERMANY, camping in Denmark with Omi, going to the ocean despite the cold water temps, surprising Aunt Rachel for her engagement party, weddings, weekly homegrown tomatoes, slowing down, friends. It's been a packed summer. I went into it with the mindset of saying no to very little, being spontaneous, living my best DINK life hot girl brat summer (these are cool things we used to say in Summer 2024, and by 'we' I mean the youths).

It's mid August now. The pace of life is slowing down, weather is getting warmer and drier as we prepare for San Diego summer part 2 and chillier weather teases the rest of the country. Yes, I am already thinking about pumpkins and decorating for my favorite transition season. These weeks where we're no longer in the fixed summer nor the mutable fall have always been the hardest for me. There's so much to look forward to in these -ber months, and at the same time we're saying goodbye to strong sun and pool days and tourist season. I'm ready and I'm not.

This looming motherhood feels similar. I'm ready and I'm not.

It's such a truly bizarre thing to intentionally choose parenthood. Especially when your life is really great, you're super happy and finally have a handle on life. I can see why young people adopt the fuck-around-and-find-out-method. It's so wildly different to do it now, older, and by choice. It's also so strange to hold space for the women in my life who have these same thoughts and have decided not to fuck with those beautiful things. I get it. It seems weird to want to do it. But I do genuinely want to.

I can say 'I want to have a baby' or 'I want to raise a little human with Michael'. It's been harder to see, or even say, 'I want to be a mom'. I'm scared to say that out loud, it feels too powerful of a statement. There's so few examples of motherhood the way I want to do it, and lots of examples of how I don't want to do it. It's felt hard to trust that I can be that example, I can lead that. But I've never done it before how can I??

So here we are, in this weird in between in between. It's like 7th grade, the middle of middle. Firmly decided on yes, starting to try, definitely okay if it takes a little bit of time, terrified it could be a one and done situation. Ready. Not ready at all. I wonder if that's parenthood period.

Writing to you helps. I've been writing these posts for almost a year. I started in October 2023, and I've fallen short of my goal of once a week. That said, I'm really feeling drawn back. I always feel like I have so much to say but so little to write. I need to work on seeing myself in this format. I'm going to try to be more consistent.

I've been reading the book Living Resistance: An Indigenous Vision for Seeking Wholeness Every Day by Kaitlin B. Curtice and she writes "When I dream and imagine the world to come, I do it because I believe that those who came before brought me to this moment and those who come after me will take us beyond it". I feel this deeply in my bones, the hope for a better world that will come with you. The big moments are where I feel ready. It's the in bewtween that feel more scary. But that is where life lies, in the grey. The in between. The post summer not quite yet fall. The end of August.

Love always,

[letterstomyfuturedaughterr]

5/22/24 Even good men are fools

Men have audacity unlike any other. God forbid you actually end up with male parts, I refuse to let you grow up thinking your needs are more important than anyone else's. You are going to deeply understand how to think of others alongside yourself.

Women are always expected to take on the work men don't want to do. And if you are born with female parts, I refuse to let you learn that it's your job to take on other's work as your own. It's not your responsibility to hold extra emotional load just because you can or you've spent your life forced to be good at managing that heaviness alongside life's challenges. You can hold both and more and that is not your job to do for other people, especially men.

Your dad is the very best of the very best and still, from time to time, has the audacity to think his challenges are the largest in the room. He made me feel like my feelings don't matter at all and that it's not okay to share my own emotional load with him, even though I do that constantly, with love, for him. There's an unfairness that does not get enough credit and I'm sick of it.

Men just walk through the world either not thinking about anything or anyone, or only able to think about themselves in the context of their failures or shortcomings. It's so hard for them to re-program how to have internalized reflective thought about themselves, and also people around them and it blows my mind. I understand we're fundamentally different in certain ways but it's so un-human to me to go through the world like that. And then because they aren't doing that work everyday to be more thoughtful and less selfish, women are expected to pick up the slack to have any sense of peace. It's bullshit.

All I want is to be acknowledged and appreciated for the work I'm putting in to hold space for myself, my partner and us as a unit/team/family. Would it be so hard to be aware enough to say 'thank you for shouldering the burden of my anger as I work through this tough time' or 'I know you're working hard to stay positive and loving as we're going through a hard time, I appreciate the way you show love to me and our family' or even 'I know I'm hard to be around right now, thank you for loving me anyway'. You have a responsibility to yourself and your team to know yourself enough to do that for people around you. You have to. I need that. There's no excuse for not. Women are doing that every minute of every day, except the time we take away from everything for ourselves. If we can do it you can do it.

Get it together.

Love you kiddo,

Rage Mom

[letterstomyfuturedaughterr]

4/6/24 Same same but different

Hi Kiddo,

I'm going to be an aunt. Well, I already am an aunt by blood but Aunt-by-sisterhood is a title I hold very dearly and take extremely serious.

Your Aunty Escely is going to have a baby and I feel like part of my heart is living outside of my body. She told us during Spring Fling the day after Jane told us she's also pregnant and to say it was overwhelming is an understatement. So much joy and love I did not know I even was possible. Truthfully it was hard to have the news back to back because it will be so wildly different how I am a part of each child's life. Though I've known Jane for much longer, Escely's kids will be the most important kids in my life (except for you) and that just won't be the case for Baby D. It makes me feel a bit sad to think about, but it's also the most beautiful thing to be lucky enough to have a friend whose kids will be my family. You'll grow up together, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's been a strange ride though. I felt myself slipping into an unhealthy mindset over the last month, feeling more pressure and feeling somehow behind for not having a kid already. I felt overwhelmed by how this stage of life is abruptly here, even though it's been something we've been talking about and planning for a while now. It's strange to actually be here. I think me and my close female friends have spent the last couple of years finally at a place financially, emotionally and just pure capacity wise to be able to set aside and make such intentional time for each other and ourselves that it makes me nervous about that slipping away with these new changes to life. That said, I do know that Escely, Paige and I all agree that we don't want that friendship to go away just because of kids. We don't want to lose ourselves to that new role. It's impossible not to worry about it, but I think I've been trying to remind myself that I have worked so hard to build the exact life I want and I can get through hard things, especially in my close relationships. I want to be able to maintain and strengthen my relationship with myself and my people, I am not willing to compromise that for children. I'm working on trusting that even if it's rocky, we will get there. I don't need to be afraid, I need to trust that the work has been done and the foundation is strong, you can do anything with strong bones.

On the flip-side, I feel like a truly insane person for how often I am thinking about this baby and how freaking excited I am for all the things celebrating them.

P and I found out today that we are entrusted with the gender so we can surprise the Marr's with a gender reveal cake. I can't handle how honored I am to be included in that way. It's going to be so special.

It also makes me feel all the things in preparing for you. I feel more ready and then sometimes not ready at all. I have been researching and preparing for so long I am now trying to give myself time off from the planning and thinking and overthinking and overplanning. I need a break from myself.

It's still new, so I'm trying to give myself patience and kindness being okay with the time of things taking as long as they need to. Months are the new weeks.

Gather, do not absorb.

Til next time.

Always,

[letterstomyfuturedaughterr]

2/7/24 I will gather but not absorb

2/7/24 I will gather but not absorb

Hey Kiddo,

Long time no chat. January was somehow the longest and also flew by. I feel like it always goes that way. The post holidays hangover lasts a long time. I simultaneously feel ready for the new year and reluctant to begin new. I attribute this to having a February birthday. It's almost like January exists to hold space for the fever dream that is the extended holidays before starting my new year in month two.

It starts off strong with goals and intentions and new ideas, ready to dive in strong. Then fatigue returns as work resumes and the list you made when you were high on new beginnings and champagne quickly becomes daunting. This all happens in the month of January, which also happens to be 5 weeks somehow. Honestly though, I loved moving slow and feeling like I was in a dream. That's my ideal way to be in my body.

The first few weeks of the year have been lovely. I (mostly) completed a 30 days of yoga with Adrienne for the first time, that was fun. I did it alongside Aunty Jane and it was really nice to feel so connected to her. I also took myself to a sound healing yoga class and had an extremely transformative experience. I feel like I was able to be so in my body but also out of body and felt myself letting go of weight I've been carrying for years. Since that experience I have been pretty exhausted physically, it feels like something is going on there. Looking forward to a therapeutic massage soon. I want to keep pushing into that, but also not control the process. Oh I also spent a weekend with Omi, Georgio, Ash and the boys - your future cousins. Lovely and heavy family time to start the year.

We are also finally moving forward on action steps for the IHLC and I am equally excited, drained and worried. Trying to be less worried. Trying to trust the process. Theme?

You have also gotten more real. It feels like everyone in my world is talking about kids and in typical me fashion I am researching and learning as much as I can. This week it started to feel overwhelming though. It's so hard not to spiral into all the ways the systems truly abandon women. I've learned how I should have been taking crucial vitamins that I have been depleted of since being on hormonal birth control for the last ten years. I've only learned this now that I'm about to get off of it to give my body a chance to reset before starting to TTC. I don't get how that's even legal to give someone something so impactful to the body without providing actual preventative care. It's so frustrating to feel so trapped by something I haven't even started yet. I'm struggling with wanting to do everything 100% right and 100% intentionally and 100% my best. There is so much info out there and somehow none of it is helpful. You become more and more real every day, and I genuinely am so excited and ready in so many ways. And it's terrifying and beautiful and I want to throw up. A mantra came to me mid research and I want to hold onto it as much as I can through this process.

I will gather but not absorb.

I will gather

but not

absorb.

Gather.

not.

Absorb.

I am not alone in this and I don't have to make myself isolated. I have resources. I need to use them and lean on them and call on them. I'm not better for doing things alone. I don't have to do it on my own. That's the point.

Working on it. Maybe it's time to call Jaimie

Excited for you kiddo.

Always,

[letterstomyfuturedaughterr]

12/16/23

Hello sweet sugar plum!

Drunk on Spritz and wine after our 4th annual Mansheim Christmas Dinner Party - not sure why I capitalized all of those. I guess I consider it an official event that has earned a formal title. This year we had a spritz bar and good apps, pot roast, baked potatoes (for Auntie Paige) and I made a beautiful bouche de noel. I love this tradition so very much. This year I felt a bit more tired, I think hosting Thanksgiving really took it out of me but I honestly get so much joy out of doing these things for our chosen family. I absolutely love having people I get to do the most for and are so appreciative of who we are and what we have to give. My favorite thing in the world is to hold space and holiday holding space is just top tier.

So excited for what this looks like when you're here Earth side baby girl.

Happy holidays sweets

Always,

[letterstomyfuturedaughterr]

12/3/23

Hey Kiddo,

The holiday season is in full swing and I'm so happy about it. We spent last night at your Tia Escely's house for her 6th (?) annual cookie decorating party and it's my favorite way to kick off the season.

It's been so magical to take in all of these moments this season, knowing that likely it will be the last as just the two of us (at least how it looks right now). It's strange to think how different, and not that different, next year will look.

It is so healing to approach this period with so much joy and magic, and we can't wait to do it for you when you're here.

Always,

[letterstomyfuturedaughterr]

11/30/23 - Raspberry White Chocolate Sandwich Cookies

Hey Kiddo,

I wrote this as part of submission to a progressive, literary mag centered around baking. Turns out, I missed the deadline. But wanted it to live on somewhere, so here we are. Let me tell you a story about the cookie that changed my life (a la Nancy Silverton).

It’s May 2005 and Martha Stewart (having recently been released from jail) published a recipe for Raspberry-Creme Sandwich cookies (which you can find online today at marthastewart.com). My grandmother, a Sicilian-American and fervent Martha fan, naturally hoarded every issue of Martha Stewart Living magazine, saving them for me to dog-ear when I would come to her house to bake. The pastel pinks of the editorialized shots of these sandwich cookies, paired with exotic-to-a-12-year-old ingredients like vanilla bean captivated me instantly. I had to make them for myself.

The first time I made these cookies I had to significantly adjust. Not only was vanilla bean expensive, it was also hard to come by and as I was firmly in 7th grade driving to get my own ingredients was not an option. Though my baking journey started early, recipe terms like ‘creaming’ or ‘double broiler’ were not yet a part of my vernacular and like most pre-teens would do, I did the best I could with what I had. Despite my efforts and my younger brothers’ shocking praise, I remember feeling vivid disappointment in myself that I couldn't follow the recipe exactly. Though I didn’t know it then, my oldest memory of internalized capitalism was born.

I made these cookies over a dozen times since that first moment in 2005. My brothers and grandfather requested them for almost every birthday, friends wanted them for sweet 16 celebrations. Each time I made them everyone was in awe of their taste and my abilities, but the list of what I could have done better dragged on. There was no way this cookie could be “the best thing they’d ever eaten” when I knew it was made without the fancy ingredients or proper tools. They were wrong and one day I would be able to do it right. 

I remade these cookies for the first time in nearly a decade last year, at the request of my mother and grandmother. This was the first time I could make those perfect sandwich cookies having the privilege and ability to make them according to the recipe and I could not wait to redeem myself for all the years I made these incorrectly. I bought the vanilla bean paste, I sourced the highest quality butter I could find, I even have a stand mixer now! After hours of thoughtfully baking and perfectly measuring, the cookies were finally out of the oven and they were one of the worst things I’ve ever made, nothing like they used to be. The butter’s high fat content was too much and they spread everywhere and using my stand mixer severely overworked them. I couldn’t believe my disappointment. I completely over-thought it. Capitalism 2, me 0. 

I could blame the recipe development or the mixer or my “post”-pandemic over-anxious brain, and I absolutely am not over-simplifying our human experience of our emotions, but I think there is something to be said and explored for how our society is designed to strip of us of the joy of moving slowly, imperfectly, for the pure pleasure of doing so. Getting caught up in what those cookies should look like darkened what was always a peaceful process for me.

Baking is one of the beautiful things in this world that requires us to move slowly, purely for delight. We don’t set out to save the world by making cookies, we do it to create and share pleasure, with ourselves and with each other. As our world, and the humans that inhabit this planet for as long as we have left, evolve, this practice becomes ever more critical to our existence. We see the trends of cottage core, homesteading and zero-waste movements on our feeds and are inspired to leave it all behind for the slow way of life, but I wonder what it would look like for us to keep living our lives as they are, with a newfound return to doing things for the pleasure of them. What would it look like for us to move as slowly and as beautifully as we can? Maybe we’re not damsels in distress that need saving but rather our cracks and pains need slow and steady healing. Maybe, in fact, every cookie heals a little piece of us, and I for one am thrilled to be a part of that process. Baking, for me, helps to even the score.

Love always,

[letterstomyfuturedaughterr]

11/24/23 - Happy Thanksgiving!

Hey Kiddo,

It's the day after our first Thanksgiving in our second house, and dad and I are so.tired. We have hosted Thanksgiving dinner since 2019 and it's been one of my favorite traditions. I love going crazy making the plans and then running around, stressed with the expectations of hosting, entertaining, cooking, decorating and enjoying myself. This year though I will say went the most smooth. We were organized and decided to outsource, having friends and family make dishes and help as much as they could/would and it was great.

The holiday is a mixed bag, with feelings of white guilt around the genocide that is the history of the holiday, while also feeling really happy that there is a day that's dedicated to gratitude and being together. It really does make me so full of love and joy to bring people together and I love that we have a space for that in this home.

Highlights from this year included dad's grilled and smoked turkey, Auntie Rachel's current boyfriend Rob sharing that he is soon to be uncle Rob, new friends Ray and Paul joining the table and feeling ready to burst that this time next year you will probably be here for real. Also crying during the Macy's parade because getting ready for you is making me cry daily.

There is so much hate and hurt in the world right now. People generally are struggling and it's heavy in the air. I am so grateful to be in a place where I feel so free and aware of myself in a way that makes me feel aligned, with people in my life that know me and love me.

Now it's officially Christmas and I'm ready for the magic of the season.

Love always,

[letterstomyfuturedaughterr]

11/17/23 Cazimi Magic

"When we are unconscious of our power we do damage. When conscious of our power we are magic" - someone amazing via Chani Nicholas

As of today, the universe is moving into a zone that is great for projects, manifesting and seeding vital goals with courage and conviction (Mars enters the heart of the sun making cazimi magic). This is the time to be all in on what excites me. We will be here for the next two years and I am ready for all the expansion that's coming.

In that spirit, the next two years are really going to require conscious energy toward both the external/expansion AND the internal/contraction so I can maintain balance and not burn out. Again.

Over the next two years I commit to building the courage to:

Honor myself with daily practice

Help build my family legacy that is aligned with my values

Simplify my connection to the earth

I am so proud of myself of how far I've come back into myself and my power this year, and I am really so ready to continue to be the best version of myself. Working on daily practices that connect me to myself and the collective is so important for my energy management.

In the next two years I am looking at being a part of building a family legacy that culminates what I've been working toward my whole life through the project with mom and Michael. I am also thinking about family legacy by preparing to welcome a child to the world and I am just feeling so excited about all of it.

I call in the cazimi magic to guide these next two years as I move deeper into my own power, and see the beauty of that ripple into the collective.

Let's see what happens!

Love always,

[letterstomyfuturedaughterr]

11/7/23 What Do You Carry?

Hey Kiddo,

I am an oldest sibling, a first born daughter, a first generation child…what don’t I carry?

*Cue Luisa’s song from Encanto* 

Recently I’ve been thinking about the weight of what it means to be the first kid. I’m convinced there’s an added layer when you’re the first kid and a girl, even more so when you’re the only girl. Hi, hello, I’m the problem, it's me. 

I’m thinking about how much was put on me, but also how much I’ve put on myself. You have to be responsible for so much more than yourself when you’re an oldest sibling, and you take on mom v2 duties if you’re the eldest daughter. You just do. You’re a built in babysitter, taxi driver, homework helper, dinner cooker, laundry doer, shoulder to cry on, disciplinarian, the list goes on.

But in getting older I realize how many of these roles I feel like I have to maintain even though no-one is asking me to do that. I am putting that pressure on myself and it's not necessary. Unlearning this pressure has been really critical for my own mental health, and also in improving my relationships with my younger siblings. Like everything, I think we all just want to be seen and heard, authentically, with empathetic understanding. I've wanted my family to see me and what they've put on me for so long, but in doing that I affirm that toxicity and no longer want to do that.

Wish me luck!

Love always,