#let's tear her heart into pieces why don't we. she'll love it (<-they're right. i DO love it but i hate that they know how to get me)

[relicsongmel]

Now that I'm done with the main story I'd like to take some time to explain a small part about why Pokemon Scarlet (and Violet) mean so much to me—and why they were the first games in the series to make me cry in several years. (warning for discussions of parental death under the cut)

Generation 9 was the first time I was playing a brand new generation after my mom had passed from cancer a year and a half prior. I wasn't expecting to have this fact be relevant to my experience with the game, but one of the first things that struck me not long after booting it up was the design of the player character's mom. She looked so much like my own mother that I genuinely had to take a step back from shock for a bit. But it was surely just a coincidence, right?

That initial double take moment aside, I continued through the game fairly normally, enjoying it quite a bit despite its fairly obvious graphical limitations and occasional glitching. I loved exploring the wide open world of Paldea; I'm very meticulous about being thorough in games and seeing what every area has to offer, and while I wasn't quite able to get to everything considering the sheer size of the map, I still did my damndest to clear out as much of it as I could. I loved the colorful cast of characters and the stories that accompanied them; Nemona was a bundle of joy (and I quickly claimed her as my lovely autistic daughter because that's what she is), Penny and the Team Star storyline were well thought-out and compelling, and Arven's quest, despite me being spoiled on a few details, was heart-rending and I was invested the whole way through.

Speaking of spoilers: I knew going into the game that Arven's mom/dad was canonically dead depending on which version you were playing. But that didn't stop the emotional impact of the final confrontation with the professor from hitting me the way it did.

As I said, my mother passed away due to complications from breast cancer; she spent an agonizingly long week in the hospital dealing with sepsis (among other things) before her condition took a turn for the worse and she was taken off life support on June 9th, 2021. During that time, I never got the opportunity to talk to her or even visit her—I asked over and over, but she was only allowed a limited number of visitors which were being taken up by other family members. My last in-person conversation with her was while helping her to bed one night, in which she told me she would have my dad take her to urgent care the next morning. At the time, I didn't even consider the possibility that she might not end up coming home. When that fact finally hit me a few days later, I wrote a letter making some promises to her (that I wasn't able to keep because the grief ended up hitting me like a truck) and telling her I loved her, but it was too little too late: my mom was on life support and only semi-conscious; my letter was read to her by my sister when she went to visit and I will never know if she actually heard my words. The day I was finally able to see her was the day she passed, where I held her hand for one final time and was met with.....silence. Obviously. But just because something is to be expected doesn't mean it won't hurt.

Long story short, I was not only dealing with the grief of losing her, but also the pain of not having proper closure; of being able to talk with her knowing for sure it would be the last time. So imagine my reaction when I realized that Arven was going through the exact same thing with his own mother—having been left behind without so much as an explanation, and then said mother dies before she ever has the chance to set things right with him. And his situation is compounded even further by having to contend with seeing the AI professor looking and speaking exactly like her, finally getting the acknowledgement from his mother he's wanted for so long relayed by the AI but finding himself struggling to accept it given how much it's too little too late, and then she leaves him behind too (albeit for more understandable reasons), meaning he essentially loses his mom twice over—all this while pushing through the trauma of revisiting a place that wounded the only companion he had so badly that he thought he might end up losing him, too. My relationship with my mother was not nearly as tumultuous as Arven's—but I could still relate to those feelings of loss and powerlessness and thus found myself shedding tears after the AI professor's final farewell. Because I saw myself in that grieving kid who just wanted closure.

Scarlet and Violet are by no means perfect games. But I would be lying if I said they didn't have a profound impact on me and helped me feel a bit less alone in my grief. And for that they'll always hold a special place in my heart.

[softenkiss]

breakin their heart (pt 1)! yandere knights of favonius ଓ

tw. yandere, obsessive + posessive behavior, delusional behavior, clingyness, stalking, kidnapping, drugging, rumors & being pressured into things (reader)!

notes. rewritten based on the old post (which has been DELETED,, rip 😔 dw though the others are still privated) enjoy loves (and i hope you like this style of my writing!!) ♡

jean:

oh boy. she does NOT take it well. she's literally like :(( the whole time.

girl is trying her hardest to stay calm but it's hard 😔 the love of her life is literally leaving her,, how can someone not expect her to freak out?? she's trying her damn hardest to convince u to stay. it's her busy work schedule isn't it? she'll make time for you, she swears!! you can even stay in her office as she works if it's not possible. just don't go...

(jean doesn't come to the conclusion that no, her work is not one of the main reasons why you're trying to break up with her. it's her freakish obsessive behavior. and no, she probably won't ever come to that fact either. definitely gaslights herself and goes right back to thinking that her load of work is the main and ONLY reason why ur trying to leave).

when the words leave your lips, she's shaking. blunt and icy, jean's not used to u sounding so cold! her hands are trembling and she can't bear to look at you, drowning your words out because archons...she bear to look at you right now. she already knows that she'll break down into tears and start sobbing pathetically.

keeps quiet and most likely let's you leave with only a few pleading words. you deserve someone better, someone that actually has the time to love and care for you, but by the gods...she couldn't (and wouldn't) let that happen! you both belong together, even if you don't seem to see it.

(which is totally understandable, she gets it, she gets u! she'll be better just for you <3)

overloads herself with work, paperwork mostly. duties related outside remind her too much of you. she'll pass by windrise and literally start bawling (that tree over there was the same one where u both had you're first date!). the other knights are extremely worried about her, and it's not too hard to put the pieces together.

(lisa walked into her office once to her literally sobbing while holding a picture of you in her arms,, her sadness is very easy to see)

some of the knights try (maybe even forcefully hint at it too? they're desperate) to get you back with jean,, coming into ur house and informing you of her behavior. if that doesn't work, jean will...eventually take things into her own hands.

gifts and a overwhelming flow of letters sent to you are her ways of getting you back! ur door is practically loaded with stuff and you always end up tripping over something when you walk out the door. her gifts are sentimental and always (attempt) to alick a memory back into ur head.

(the pink roses she leaves you brings up the time she made a whole garden just for you, or the fancy set of jewelry u once mentioned that you wanted. she has a good memory and writes anything you mention you want down in case she forgets <3)

if you even show the slightest bit of fondness in her gifts/letters, jean immediately takes this as you wanting to get back together. and boy,, does she start amping her efforts up to 100%. i can see her also starting to act a little better and the other knights are just like 'jean seems to be getting better! we should try to help out so she's feeling better again!' and start pressuring you again. they, along with jean, are very persistent and won't stop until you get back with her :))

amber:

thinks ur very silly and just kisses your cheek! just another silly moment from her darling partner, you're hilarious! it'll take a while to convince her otherwise that no, you aren't being 'silly' right now and that you want to break up with her because she's an obsessed weirdo.

(and to stop trying to tickle u in an attempt to make you laugh. because she will definitely bounce on the fact as soon as she sees you start to crack a smile. she knew you were joking! you're smiling and everything!)

and even then, after showing her that you actually mean it, she's...laughing. it's strained and slightly nervous, but she's laughing. her lips twist into a (fake) smile and she justs itching to grab you. ur arm or anything! you have to be joking...right? her smile will widen into a grin that makes you uneasy, though u stay quiet.

opposite of jean completely, doesn't even try to hide how upset she is. just starts clinging into ur arm and begging and pleading for you to stay. oh archons, you can't leave her, please! please, don't go! please...? she begs of you...

you'll literally have to drag yourself back home with her clinging onto ur leg /hj. she will NOT let you leave omg 😭 on a serious note though you could probably just push her off (u gotta use your muscles her grip is tight as hell 😔) and just leave her there sobbing. she'll get over it, amber always does! it's for the best for both of your sakes (...mostly for ur sake though).

amber comes to work looking a MESS. eyes puffy and hair all frazzled. everyone's worried for her and wondering what happened, and soon she just starts sobbing again. she's misses you so much and will literally start crying in the arms of whoever embraces her first 😭

once the knights are informed of the situation (because unlike jean, amber can't help herself and spits out everything),, they're going RIGHT to u. you think you're about to be arrested one day when two knights are at your door but they're literally just there to get you back with her lmao

girlie is a mess without u. she can't eat, sleep, work, nothing. all she can think of is you and it's just so hard to get out of bed 😔 she will...someday with the pursuit of getting you back! yep, that's what she'll do and she'll do it well!

boy,, she does NOT leave you alone for even a second. she's all over u and literally acting as if ur still dating. she's buying you gifts, food (tons of food, lots of food), and even writing you letters (even if she's not...all that good at it- she's trying her hardest, okay??). the knights are also helping her too because seeing the energetic outsider so depressed is not something they want to see :(( ...atleast they care??

give her a inch she takes a fucking MILE. thanking her for paying for your food? you obviously want her back omg,, it's a sign!! she's squealing and literally so happy and ur just trying to enjoy the food and just 😐🍕

(she knew you wanted her back!! she just needed to court you again and gain ur love back! she promises she'll never make the same mistake again, she swears!! she knows how much u hate her popping into ur house unannouced and stealing your stuff so she won't do it! ...as much)

kaeya:

woe is him and he is woe... 😔

he's just so hurt, heartbroken even. the love of his life is breaking up with him, just leaving him as if the relationship between you both wasn't anything. he's just so sad,, sniffle sniffle...

...

seriously, though. he's just :)) throughout ur whole breakup speech. you'll be going off on how u noticed he's been stalking you and the way hes been distancing you away from ur loved ones and he's just grinning and shit.

obviously this pisses u off because he's just taking this so...nonchalantly?? archons,, you can't stand him! u walk out steaming and he can't help but grin and watch you walk away. he's confident, that's for sure. like he knows you'll come back.

but how wrong he is, because unfortunately (for him) you don't! he watches you even before the 'break up' and he's watching you now,, and you seem so...relaxed. happy, even. better off without him in your life.

(this won't do at all. don't you know u mean so fondly to him? don't you know he can't live without you? your disregardment for his feelings really breaks his heart, y'know?)

has a very particular plan on winning u back up his sleeves,, just you wait :)) it'll all start with him being so kind and gifting you things you know you want (or need), and being a corny lovey dovey letter writer (shakespeare wannabe). this'll last for a good month or so and if he sees no sign of process,, it's time for the other part of his plan!

(he obviously has layers to this. this is you he's trying to win back, he's gotta put in all the stops!)

this...is the part where things get a little messy for u 😬 he necessarily doesn't want to,, but his other plans revolve him doing worser (hint! hiding you away is one of them!), so this is for the best for both of ya, okay?

people are going to start avoiding you. with some, it's sudden. with others, it's slower, but it's not unnoticeable. it's strange, because you don't remember doing anything wrong to anyone, but everyone's avoiding you! ...except your little secret admirer (who really isn't so secret,, he signs all the shit he's get you proudly 😇)

and who's behind all this weird behavior from the people in mondstadt? well give it up for ur ex, kaeya alberich! he's a snotty little weasel,, and you have a inkling feeling who the perpetrator was (and ur right!! kaeya thinks your a very smart cookie!!). confronting him won't get u anywhere honestly because he won't admit to it, he has nothing to admit! ...unless you get back together, of course :33

it's all up to you really. facing the rumors with ur head up high and avoiding him won't get you much anywhere as he'll just end up snatching you away after a while (he loves and hates how mentally strong you are sometimes!). and giving up will just have you back in his arms, which was he wanted from the start! he won this little game of urs fair and square!

lisa:

she's drugging your ass lmao

joking...kinda. she's not going to start pleading and begging for you to say, though she's obviously going to be upset. she has emotions, can't you see? she's frowning so deeply 😞

lisa doesn't want you to leave her. she loves you! if that wasn't obvious with how keen she is of having you all to herself and throwing off potential rivals in pursuit of u, then she doesn't know what is! won't you atleast share a cup of tea with her first, just before you go?

(DON'T drink the tea. it's drugged and you will fall asleep before even finishing the cup)

and hey, even if you don't wanna relax with her for the last time, then you both can still be friends right? or atleast hang out possibly? she's rather persistent but it doesn't come off as clingy/pathetic because she's just rather calm about it all. and unlike kaeya, she's not faking dramatics and just let's you leave.

(obviously,, this is all just ruse to get u back into her arms. she's saddened, really. she truly is. she truly didn't expect for u to see her...darker behavior but she always knew you were a smart cookie <3)

will give you a week or two before she's slowly inching back into ur life. she'll give you a small wave, a quiet hello, etc etc. it's little things really. short conversations soon start happening again and she'll just ask u how ur days going, that sort of thing. she just wants to see how her favorite person is doing! nothing wrong with that, hm?

it'll slowly come to the point where she's offering you to share a cup of tea with her, just like when she tried to break up with u. you can obviously say no, but she'll still want you to take this special batch she has!! it's rather tasty and it's good for calming the drinker down <3

...

liar.

you'll end u stuffed somewhere. it's cold, so extremely cold and ur night clothes aren't much help (she did say the tea was for calming, and u really couldn't sleep that night!). ur obviously scared, but that immediately turns into frustration as soon as lisa appears and tells you her whole plan. tell her that she lied about the tea being for calming and she'll literally just tell you that it wasn't technically a lie! you were still relaxed in your last moments in your home, weren't you? 🙂

(situation will end up the same even if you don't end up taking in the little baits she set up so perfectly for u to take. she didn't expect you to be so smart! she'll just have to go into your house with the key u never took back from her and put something in ur drink, easy peasy :))

[roll-da-credits]

SC: Pro Heroes' S/o's Pet Not Liking Them

Characters: Keigo Takami (Hawks), Rumi Usagiyama (Mirko), Taishiro Toyamitsu (Fatgum)

A/n: this fic is brought to you by my rabbit who has unrivaled hate for any man except my dad. He would literally cuddle with my dad but the moment my friend comes who let me tell you ADORES my bunny, he would COMPLETELY ignore him and sometimes even bite him, not like nibbling like bunnies do when they're happy. No, full-on bites like incredibly hard, anyways hope you guys enjoy it. (Also, this was longer than I planned)

🖤❤️🖤

Keigo Takami (Hawks)

You would think Hawks would have a good relationship with birds right? Wrong.

Hawks in the eyes of birds was a bird of prey, which only means one thing, he's dangerous. This unspoken rule amongst birds who are usually weaker doesn't exclude your own pigeon.

It all started when Rumi (Mirko) decided that the group's movie night would be at your house for the first time ever. Obviously, you were rather excited, of all the times you had these movie nights they were never in your home. Another exciting reason was you couldn't wait to introduce Keigo, your lovey lover, to your budgie.

"Hey, birdie." Once you opened the door to your apartment Hawks was leaning there in front of you with a small bouquet of flowers, wearing some casual clothing. Giving a quick to your forehead, you led Hawks into your humble abode.

Your budgie, as always, flew towards you to greet the guest, like he would usually. But instead of landing on your shoulder, he instead flew around Keigo and dove to bite his ears and the exposed skin everywhere.

"So this is the friendly bird you've been telling me about???" Keigo slightly confused and panicked tried to lightly shoo away the flying menace.

You at this point didn't know whether to panic or to laugh at the situation. Your budgie was incredibly kind to everyone, even strangers you just met, and yet here he was, squawking at Keigo trying to bite him.

After a few minutes, you were able to calm your bird down, letting him rest on the crook of your neck and reassure Keigo that he was usually really kind to guests, which Keigo doesn't believe at this point. It wasn't until Rumi came knocking that you stood up to greet her.

Keigo, watched from a distance, excited to see Rumi get attacked by your menace of a bird. "What?!" He exclaimed pointing a judgemental finger at your bird who was now on Rumi's shoulder nuzzling her cheek.

"Scared of a birdie smaller than you Keigo?" Rumi's laughter mocked Keigo, and you couldn't help but let out a few giggles yourself.

"Awww love don't be like that!" You walked over to Keigo and enveloped him in a reassuring hug, still slightly giggling, "I swear I don't know why he doesn't like you."

When the movie started, you and Keigo were cuddling as usual with Rumi slightly third-wheeling, not that she really cared. Weirdly enough you felt a weird tension around you, when you looked over at Keigo, you saw he was staring at your budgie who was on Rumi's shoulder.

Both looking at each other with so much menace it made you burst into laughter. "Is there some kind of bird rivalry?????" Rumi now realizing what was happening laughed extremely loud. "Are you jealous of Y/n's BIRD???"

She teased Keigo, who in retaliation threw a pillow at her. He groaned and pulled you closer. "Whatever, but we're never having movie nights in your house again." You laughed a little before snuggling more into him, "Sure you big baby."

Rumi Usagiyama (Mirko)

"I'm telling you, that little piece of long-looking mouse stole my stuff!" Rumi yelled at you pointing an accusing finger at your ferret who was simply staring up at you her head slightly tilted as if confused about the whole ordeal.

This all started when Rumi decided to come to your apartment straight after patrol, something she's never done. She looked exhausted and in need of some comfort, so you let her in and gave her some clothes to change after showering,

When she walked in, she noticed your ferret staring at her. A weird sense of foreboding crept up onto her. She always had a slight suspicion that the creature didn't like her very much. Whether it was because she was taking up most of your play times with it, or something else, she couldn't care any less.

It was in the ferret's eyes, how they stared at her with intent and a glint of mischievousness. Though when she brought it up with you, you'd brush it off since ferrets are incredibly mischievous and smart.

But the icing on the cake was when she placed her clothes on top of a dresser, including her gloves, to take a shower. Only to come back with both of her gloves missing from the pile. The ferret looking up at her, as if challenging her.

"Rumi, love, why would she even know to hide BOTH gloves. She'd probably steal only one!!" Rumi's mouth fell agape at your statement. You were defending the THIEF???

"You said so yourself didn't you?!! Ferrets are SMART, SHE MUST'VE KNOWN." At this point it was borderline hilarious, so between your next words, you laughed and giggled.

"You probably just misplaced it, come on I'll help you search it. I'm sure we'll find it soon."

No

You both did not find it soon, it had actually been 30 minutes of nonstop searching. Searching your entire apartment close to twice already, you and Rumi both flopped on the couch, exhausted.

"Ok, maybe I should check her toys." Her being your ferret, you finally caved in and searched around her toys.

Low and behold.

"I TOLD YOU!!!" You found both Rumi's gloves tucked away in the long rubbery-plastic tunnel you made for your ferret.

Rumi crashed on the floor in a fit of laughter, with you holding the dirty gloves looking at your ferret rather disappointed at her. Your ferret looked up with its adorable eyes as if it had done nothing wrong.

"Your ferret's a demon I'm telling you!" Rumi wiped a tear from laughing too much.

"I'm sorry for not believing you." You said followed by an exasperated sigh. Rumi walked over to you and enveloped you in a bone-crushing hug, "It's fine, this was actually more fun than just watching random movies like we planned."

Taishiro Toyamitsu

Taishiro loves animals and animals love him. Both skinny and fat form, he's just a lovable person for every single living being. Animals, humans, plants, all of them thrive when being cared for by him. Including you, but excluding your cat.

Taishiro knew the moment you said you had a cat that he would have to work a little bit harder to get her to like him. What he didn't expect was for your cat to completely ignore him no matter what he did.

"Trying to woo her again?" You smirked a little bit when you saw him in his skinny form holding a small bag of catnip smiling rather sheepishly.

"No cat can resist catnip." He paused shortly, "Right?"

You giggled at his adorable antics, reaching up to slightly ruffle his soft hair. Inviting him you watched from afar as Taishiro approached your cat who was sunbathing near a window and, as usual, ignoring him.

He slowly approached her, his big hands slowly opening the bag. When he did, her head immediately darted at him, you stood up straighter at this. Really curious at the first time your cat acknowledged his existence.

Taishiro couldn't feel more excited at the moment and slowly got closer to her, shaking the bag slightly. Your cat's irises expanded, showing that she might be rather happy.

But just as Taishiro was about to pet her, she stretched from her position and walked calmly away from him. Ignoring him once again.

You stifled a laugh at his dejected form, shoulders slumping down and a dark aura surrounding him.

You draped your body over his back, a small attempt in hugging him, "Hey you'll get more chances, I'm sure she'll warm up to you eventually."

Taishiro looked up at you with watery eyes and a small pout, making your heart melt at the sight. "How about this? You'll get even more chances if you live with me."

Your eyebrows wiggled at him, and his slumped figure immediately brightened up. Crushing you in a tight bear hug and shaking you around. "I'll make sure your cat loves me."

[enha-woodzies]

➸ CHAPTER 5 | " ILLICIT AFFAIRS "

starring: enhypen ft. i-land daniel

pairing: jungwon x fem!reader x sunghoon

genres: royal au, romance, angst, slowburn, 18th century setting

word count: 1.8k

taglist: @serendipitysung @angeljungwon @en-sun @affectionaterainoflove @renkiv @softforjungwoo @jislix @fluffi @gyeraniee @stxrryemxlys

[ PREV. CHAPTER ] | [ M. LIST ] | [ NEXT CHAPTER ]

“The morning sun has come, and the evening moon is gone. Dearlings, I am elated to apprise you of the events at the debutantes’ ball that occurred as of late, and must I warn you, they're not for the feeble spirits!

The ton is abuzz with the most beefy tale as Northumberland’s jewel among the lovely rocks, Miss Y//n Park, has earned herself a ticket to glory! She danced with the most favored noblemen in the ton and surely, she went home with a hearty grace as she'll most likely expect an abundant roster of suitors in the following days.

Not only was she offered a dance by our dear second-born, Lord Yang, but she also had the privilege and pleasure to be twirled around the court by the most charming, Lord Lee, and the ever coveted nobleman among the ton, Lord Park, the next-in-line Duke of Northumberland!

Where's the beef you might ask? Well, it seems to me that these men are blindfoldedly playing fire with each other.

Not only does Lord Lee has women wrapped easily around his fingers, he has men too! With a sly steal of Miss Y/n’s hand from Lord Yang last night, he certainly left the chap earnestly plotting for a segue of intrusion- and Lord Yang intriguingly delivered!

With the timing in its most opportune, Lord Yang managed to finally dance with the young miss, in private! Ooh! This is new! My senses told me they spent their waltz in the Queen’s library, alone! How in the world did they let this happen to the ton’s jewel unchaperoned? That is something the Daily Tattle is unfortunately unable to unearth, but the mystery will continue to haunt us for long. Do take note: the more you hide in careful secret, the more people will know and hear about it.

What happened next will have you either boggled, or enchanted! The young lord abruptly rushed out the room before the music even ended! Should that be counted as a waltz at all? Before you ask about the enchanting part, Miss Y/n was seen dashing out the room moments later in tears and evident heartache. What do you think happened in the mere minutes of alone time in that large 4-cornered room?

But come now, enchanting stories aren't as they are without a knight in shining armor. In fact, in our young miss’ case, her knight wasn't clad in shining, silver sheath, but in magnificent and elegant, vintage red tailcoat draped over a loose white jabot shirt that’s cleanly tucked into the black, satin knee breeches, finished off with a pair of shiny Hessian boots. With skin as white almost akin to snow, it complemented perfectly with his ravishing fit. The beautiful marquess certainly dressed himself valiantly for the seasonal occasion. With that stunning presence, anyone would surely presume he went to the ball looking like a duke in careful search of a duchess.

Lord Park and Miss Y/n surprisingly became one of the ball’s highlights as they graced the Royal Court with the most heart-stopping, corset-itching, tantalizing waltz. All the while their faces are almost an inch apart from each other, a brooding identity was found hiding in the crowded corner of the hall! Under the bright gleam of the grand chandeliers, our dearest second-born, Lord Yang, was seen eyeing the two with such stare that even the buffy slice of vanilla cake on Lord Sunoo’s plate could almost melt in a blink of an eye!

Among the splendid tales told by yours truly, which tea do you think tastes like sweet ecstasy of oddity and fervor? It is the ton's tradition to portend the lady’s endgame by the person whom she had her last waltz with. From one man to another, should these prophecies dictate Miss Y/n Park’s fate?

Well, don't turn your heads away now! The story's just begun.”

The mid-morning sunrays peek through the large leaves and busty trunks of the hibernating redwood trees lining in disarray. Y/n is just about to plummet into her habitual readings in the Kielder forest and the autumnal breeze is keeping up with her bubbly morning approach, fortunately.

The sounds of the birds chirping and the dead leaves crunching under her shoes creep up through her puff sleeves making her tingle in giddiness and enthusiasm. She deeply inhales the aromatic forest and lets out a giggle in the process. With jumpy leaps and crispy leaves echoing in her every move, the young lady surely knows where she's going in this partly mysterious forest that is most often open only to men and men alone.

Somewhere deep in the evergreen woods, Y/n has built a fortress of her own for whenever she needs to run away from the seldom, mundane life in the manor. At the heart of Northumberland's famous Kielder Forest, lies a small, whimsical looking fort made up of translucent voile casually hanging on a tree branch. One of her lady maids helped her out with the fabric one time and it still stood prettily among the chaotic scenes that go around in the forest today.

She enters her slightly sheer fort and sits down on a pillow that she stole away from the comforts of her bedroom. Flipping the olden pages of the aged Jane Austen book she borrowed from a boy several years back, she heaves a sigh at the sight of a dead Catalpa flower resting on a particular page accompanied by a little, worn out parchment dating back to when she was a tiny ten-year-old lassie. She reads,

Her eyes drifted over the page to where the note and the old flower were situated. The pads of her fingers graze over the certain phrases that were underlined by the book's owner that says, “I cannot make speeches. If l loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. But you know what I am.一 You hear nothing but truth from me.一”

She suddenly feels a gush of nostalgia and loneliness upon muttering the words she had ultimately carved in her tongue way back; reciting each word with fervor while she bask herself under the brightly-lit moonlight in their garden. How can children of ten gobble up such emotions at once? So much for a pair of hopeless romantic hearts from the distant years of ten, screaming disagreements and would later huddle on a sprawled out table cloth on the flowery fields, exchanging sentimental poesies and stolen stares.

She relives the brief moments they both shared last night in the Queen’s library, and ponders on how one could be so adjacent to the changing of tides in the sea; promptly, and mostly without warning.

“Well, well, well. If it isn't the feelings I've been trying to avoid.” She whispers to the autumn air. Unfortunately, her pondering truncates as snaps of twigs and crisps off dried leaves echoes in her corner. She hastily crawls out her hand-made canopy and brushes away any pieces of tiny crumpled leaves off her dress.

“What are you doi-”

“Who are you?” She cuts off the startled chap cladded in ragged clothing, apparently embodying that of a mainland farm boy.

“Greetings, your ladyship. I come in peace and I am just here to fetch the chopped woods I’ve laboured a day prior for the farm.” The chap with a very odd accent replies with both hands hanging mid-air. “You are fully aware that you shouldn't be in this place, especially unchaperoned, right?” He continues.

“I am fully aware. But such matters shouldn't concern you.”

“Indeed, my apologies. Furthermore, I will respect your unspoken wishes if it is truly your desire to keep your whereabouts hidden from your townspeople. My lady.”

Y/n relaxes from her bold stance as she found a hint of kindness from the odd stranger. Surprisingly, she extends her hand out to the stranger for a greeting.

“Please. Call me Y/n instead.” The boy looks at her open palm for half a minute before shaking it, looking as equally surprised as the young miss with the sudden gesture.

“You live pretty far from the town, huh?”

“I do. Life's utterly chaotic over on your end?”

“Oh, you don't have the slightest idea.” They both share laughters and inside jokes of their own livelihood that made the young miss settle her shoulders down comfortably.

“I'm Jake Sim. Just Jake Sim. Apparently, my name was originally Jaeyun, but the farm folks got used with Jake and so did I. They said it sounds more Australian.”

“Why would they associate your name with something Australian?” Y/n grew more curious as it was, after all, the first time she's ever been with a person that's not of Northumberland's proper.

“I grew up in Australia.”

“That's curious. How did an Australian boy land among the ragged farms of Europe?”

“It's complicated. The story involves a lot of conspiracies so it's definitely not for your ears. Some other time, maybe?” Y/n smirks at the sudden brazenness from her newly found acquaintance.

“Is this an Australian thing where we shift from acquaintanceship to something more?” She teases.

“Certainly, if you're down to it on your next Kielder visit?”

“For sure. But as for now, I must take my leave. My presence is very much needed for the promenade scheduled for me today.” Y/n half-covers her mouth as if reaching out for a whisper, hissing the last sentence.

“Ah! Rich people things that I could never.” The chap could only roll his eyes at the fancy thought.

“See you soon, Just Jake Sim!”

“Where have you been, princess?” The young miss scoffs at the marquess upon arriving at the town’s park, with a hand immediately sliding through Lord Park’s arm.

“Down with the flirtatious remarks now, aren't we? I went to promenade with myself, Your ever handsome Grace.” Sunghoon smirks at her tiny, playful whispers against his shoulders. They go around and about, traipsing along the cemented pavements as they give away acknowledging nods and polite smiles to whomever wants their brief attention.

The ton is still in amazed shock at the possibility of these two ending up with a ring on a finger. Everyone was subtly betting for Jungwon but as a result of his loss, a much better gent carried his girl off the floor. Something he let himself do, out of cowardice perhaps, or out of pride.

“Remind me the point of all this?” Y/n carefully whispers to Sunghoon.

“To make your man jealous and spit out his genuine sentiments in the process, as well as an advantage for me as we get to keep the marriage-minded mothers of the ton at bay. Now, all we have to do is smile, nod, and appear madly in love with each other if this is to work. Is it clear enough for you?” He jerks a brow at her paired with the most charming smirk he could ever expose.

“Crystal.”

*send me an ask or a message if you wish to be added on this series' taglist!

ㅡ © ENHA-WOODZIES, 2021

[tuancore]

Purple Hearts || {Part 1} :

Starring- Jinyoung x reader

Genre- Angst | Non-Idol AU, Disorder AU

Summary- I will continue to love you for as long as I'm breathing, but I won't let my love come in between your happiness.

*GIF not mine, credits to the owner*

Holding a bouquet of flowers you ran around the streets bumping into a few people, the bouquet so huge that you couldn't even properly see the road in front of you.

"I'm sorry!", You shouted after bumping into the fifth person, thankfully the sun has set otherwise all those people might form a communion and beat you in the middle of the road, taking a final turn, you ran even faster towards the venue.

"What took you so long?!" Someone called you from behind, siding the bouquet slightly you saw the person's face, a sarcastic smile adorning your face, "Ahh... Jackson Wang...Do you want me to slam these flowers on your head?".

"Of course not! Those flowers are looking perfect exactly where they are", He surrendered raising his hands, he examined your dress from head to toe, "You were running in a floor length dress?".

"I'm just gonna kill that Mushroom head!", You growled shoving the bouquet in Jackson's hands, "Woah, it's actually heavy, how did you even manage to carry it and run around", he praised you.

"Don't be so flattered, I've bumped into five people on my way, almost got hit by a pole three times, and even stumbled multiple times due to my heels", You huffed in annoyance.

"Life is hard I guess, I thought Yugyeom went to take the flowers?", He questioned.

"He backed off to flirt with girls, He's dead meat for sure once I find him", You said roaming your eyes in hopes for finding your good for nothing brother.

"I think I saw him around the drinks section—" That's what you needed to hear, lifting up your dress a little you walked away, "Jackson please take those flowers to my stupid friend I've to see my beloved brother, thank you...".

Standing a metre away from Yugyeom, you saw him standing in the centre with two girls surrounding him, one with blonde hair seemed to be too much immersed into the conversation or maybe into Yugyeom, she ran her well manicured nails on the fabric of his shirt. Another brunette had her arms linked with him.

A pure wave of disgust hitting you seeing your brother's not very well flirting skills, it was so clear from the body language of those girls that they wanted nothing but to get into your brother's pants.

You strode towards Yugyeom shoving the two girls, holding onto his collar harshly, "How dare you?! How dare you do this to me? To us?", You sniffed loudly, gladly the party had some loud music and busy people who weren't really paying any attention to your tantrums.

"W—What?" He stammered shocked to see you crying. The girls glared at you ready to claw your eyes out, but you faced them tears brimming in your eyes, they seemed to be taken back.

"Please don't get lured by him and his sugar coated words", You glared at him, "We dated for two years, even after being in a relationship with me he cheated on me with multiple other girls and when I told him that I was pregnant, he left me....", You sobbed hugging the blonde, "Please don't trust him, he's a player, top notch....".

"What the fuck are you saying n—", He yelled.

"See now he's mad at me because I revealed his true face....".

"Yugyeom, I'll see you later I think my mother is looking for me!", The blonde said, walking away while the brunette advised, "You shouldn't do that to a girl, she's so pretty why don't you just accept her and your baby".

"Wait!" He yelled but none of them turned back, "The fuck would you say something like that Noona!".

Wiping away your tears you scoffed, "I have every rights to do what I did I'm your elder sister, plus that's what you get for sending me to bring those flowers!".

"What?! Now because of your little revenge, I've lost the chances of actually being with someone", he grimaced staring at the girls from back. Smacking his head, you frowned, "I can't believe that you're my brother, your standard is so low. If nothing you want to date playgirls, eww Kim Yugyeom!".

"One orange juice please", Turning around you asked the bartender.

"So now we are talking about standards hm? Atleast I have guts to confess while on the other hand you don't even have the guts to confess to—", You hushed him pressing your palm to his lips, slowly shaking your head.

"Don't...Not today atleast...hm...", Your gaze turning utter soft. He nodded with a defeated sigh.

This party was thrown for no one else but your bestfriend to celebrate his success for starting his own company, and you didn't want anything to go wrong.

"Noona, Why is Jackson hyung roaming like a lost puppy with those flowers?" Yugyeom asked pointing at Jackson, his words made you choke on your drink.

Great! You forgot to tell Jackson where to actually bring that bouquet. Since those flowers holds a special place in your bestfriend's heart you had to bring it for him especially when today's such a fortunate day for him.

"You idiot those are not just flowers, those are those flowers which I asked you to bring and you ended up here to flirt with bitches", You rebuked glaring at your brother.

"Oopsie", Yugyeom giggled sipping on his cocktail bringing his free hand to catch his ears.

"I'll be back", You rushed towards Jackson grabbing the flowers from him, "Thanks Jackson, you're the best!".

Stepping inside the mansion, you climbed the stairs leading to the terrace in a hurry, You knew his mansion like the back of your hand, how can you not when you grew up playing in this place, "Damn these heels and damn the heaviness of the bouquet".

Panting heavily you managed to push open the door to the terrace, but you forgot to notice a marble piece ahead putting your foot inside you lost your balance, preparing yourself for a hard hit, you closed your eyes.

"Be careful", A pair of arms catching you few feet up from the surface, "You should see and walk, what if you get hurt?".

"Thanks for saving me again my savior", You chuckled picking the flowers from ground handing him, "And here you go with your purple roses".

"Thanks.....actually I want to show you something", He added, putting his hands on your shoulders guiding you towards a small table which was decorated with scented candles and flowers with two chairs, on four corners it had pillars with lightings, rose petals sprawled on the ground.

Your eyes lit up at the arrangement, everything looked so romantic and perfect, walking closely you inspected the entire set up, your eyes landing on a small red velvet box.

"I can't believe it that you did everything on your own, it's so beautiful!" You squealed in excitement, clapping your hands.

"I'm glad you liked it", He said, his hands shoved in his dress pants pockets, "It really took a lot in me to go this far".

Holding the velvety box, he opened it taking off a beautiful diamond ring from it, extending it towards you with a soft smile, eyeing the ring lovingly you declared, "It's so beautiful....".

"I know. Do you think Somi will like it?" He exclaimed with hopeful eyes. Holding his hands gently, you whispered "She'll love it".

"Do you think she'll say yes to me?", He smiled nervously locking eyes with you, searching for some hope.

"She'll say yes to you, trust me", You breathed, squeezing his hands lightly in a reassuring way with a gorgeous smile.

He grinned happily hugging you to his chest with his hand holding your head, your nostrils filling up with his cologne which always managed to drove you into frenzy, for a moment you didn't want him to let you go, his embrace being your safe place.

Gulping an invisible knot in your throat you pulled away from his embrace, "Look it's already 7:50....I must go... Somi might be here any moment, don't screw this up, be a man and get your girl".

You turned to leave but he held your wrist turning you over to face him again, You confusedly glanced where he was holding your hand.

"Thank you for bringing these purple roses, they're very special to me".

"I'm your bestfriend stupid, don't thank me for it".

Still with your wrist in his hands, he leaned over to pluck a purple rose from the bouquet, "Here.... to the most wonderful person in my life", he extended the rose for you to hold.

You could feel your eyes getting glossy as you stared at the rose and then at him, "Thank you", You mumbled taking the flower from his grasp.

"All the best Jinyoung".

Stumbling your way downstairs, you locked yourself inside the library, your tears finally streaming down your face, the purple rose in your hand making you sob harder.

This is it. This is where your heart ends, you finally gave the person whom you have loved all your life, your first friend, your only bestfriend, your first love and maybe the only person you'll ever love in your life, Jinyoung to someone else.

"One of us had to sacrifice and I can't see you getting heartbroken, so instead I'll give up on my love for you.... Jinyoung. Atleast one of us must get their love", You cried bringing the rose to your lips.

Part 2 | Master list |

______________________________________

(A/N :- Hey!! I'm back buds with another Jinyoung FF, I hope you're all gonna like it as well. Thank you so much and I'm quite excited myself! Weeeewoooo!!)

[carolinedionecd]

"What !? No - No"

Sterling palmed her face in shock.

"Mom? What's she talking about?"

Blair is directly looking at Debbie, with brows arched as a sign of confusion. She knew she'll never get an answer from Debbie so she looked at her dad.

"Dad?"

She opened her arms as a signal to Anders that she's waiting for an answer. Anderson bit his lip, took a big sigh and looked at Debbie, who's still crying while pointing her shotgun directly at Dana.

"Hello !? I'm shot !?"

Everyone looked at the man who's lying on the floor, Dana's shitty boyfriend. Bowser pointed his gun at the guy, cuffed then took him.

"Dad?"

Blair is still waiting for an answer, that she knows she's not gonna get, for now.

"Sterling come here!"

Blair took Sterling's wrist then took her to Bowser's car.

"Blair II - alkdjadniw"

Sterling's blabbering, because she's still in shock. Blair closed the backseat door where they're sitting.

"Listen to me, Sterl. We will always be sisters. Twin sisters. You just came out of our mom's twin sister. See? We're still twins"

Sterling looked at Blair who's waiting for her to speak.

"Y-yeah. Yeah. I could - I could deal with that."

Sterling can't cry. She's overwhelmed with emotions and shock and questions. They both looked out of the window when the police arrived. Dana is being put in jail.

Debbie, Anders, and Bowser are talking when the police left.

"Holy shit! They're gonna know that Bowser is a bounty hunter!"

Blair is now in a panic.

"W-what? Why? How?"

Sterling is still confused, her mind is far away from wherever they are.

"Shit they looked at us! Hide!"

They both ducked.

"Wait, why are we hiding?"

Sterling still full of confusion but she follows what Blair is doing because Blair is the only one that makes sense to her now.

"I - I - why are you hiding?"

Blair asked her back. Suddenly, the driver's seat door opened.

"Girls. I will get you home now. Okay?"

They sighed in relief when they heard Bowser's voice so they sat back on their seats.

"Did you tell them about bounty hunting? Did you tell them that we're on your team?"

Bowser rolled his eyes at Blair's question.

"First, I did not tell them that I am a bounty hunter. Second, they will never know you're on my team."

The twins took a big sigh. Blair is relieved that their cover isn't blown, as if a spy dodged a bullet. Sterling, took a big sigh because now that her mom is actually her aunt, she's seeing the family that she grew up in, in a totally different way.

"Third,"

Bowser broke the silence that made the two look at him.

"Are you okay baby girl?"

He's looking directly at Sterling. Blair looked at Sterling, waiting for her to answer Bowsie.

"Yeah, I guess so."

She looked down on her hand and tried to play with her nails.

"You know what? You don't even look like her. You look more like mom. Our mom. You're her favorite and I'm sure she loves you so much--," Blair's eyebrows crossed again. "--more than she loves me."

Confused with her own sentence, she shrugged it off, like she's telling herself that that's not the point.

"Do you remember in third grade, she told us she's gonna make us a ham sandwich for lunch, and then you got the ham sandwich and I got the peanut butter sandwich !?"

Sterling laughed when she remembered how angry Blair was when they got home and told their mom.

"Do you remember what she said?"

Asked Blair.

"Yeah. You told her, 'where was my ham sandwich !?'"

The two laughed because Sterling made an impression of Blair's third-grade-angry-face.

"Yeah! And she was like, 'Blair, you should learn to give to others especially your sister. I love you both so much but a responsible older sister should always take care of her younger sister.'"

They looked at each other.

"Yeah. That was fair."

Sterling finally agreed.

"She always put you first over me. Always has and always has been. But, works for me. Less attention, less expectation. It's enough for me to know they love me, they love us. But so you know, you have to take care of your kidney because I am not going to donate it. I want to die with my organs complete and intact. "

Bowser, silently listening to them shakes his head in awe.

"I should really stay hydrated."

Hydrated. Shoot. The water bottle. Lock-in meeting. April.

"Bye, Sterl."

Once again, Sterling took a big sigh. Her heart is crumbling like paper. Now her tears are starting to run down but she tried to hide them and wipe them away using her forehand.

"Oh my God!"

She looked at Blair when she heard her scream.

"What?"

Blair looked back at Sterling with tears in her eyes. With a wide freaking smile.

"It's Miles! He wants to talk!"

Blair happily hugged Sterl. The latter is so happy for her sister.

"Holy crap. We're gonna makeup, we'll be together again! Oh, sweet Jesus! I miss his smell!"

Sterling, can't help but miss April.

Her lips.

Her smile.

Her kiss.

Her smell.

Her skin.

"Honey"

Debbie hugged Sterling so tight. She knows Sterling is in shock but she's scared to let Sterling think negative thoughts and doubt herself.

"M-Can I still call you mom?"

Asked Sterling while they're hugging each other.

"Oh, sweetheart. I am your mom. No one else could be your mom. Okay? And you, are Sterling. You are our daughter. You are sisters - twin sisters."

Debbie softly touched their chins while smiling.

"See? I told you we're still sisters and twins."

Blair happily told Sterling. She smiled so wide. She's never been this happy to be a part of this family.

"I can't even imagine my life without you. I mean, who's gonna let me borrow a bra and never return it and doesn't get mad?"

Sterling laughed again. Anders and Debbie hugged the twins. They looked at each other with a genuine smile. Their hands intertwined with each other. Anders kissed Debbie on her forehead with a sigh of relief because the husband and the wife know that this night just made their family ties stronger than ever.

"Okay, can we please face the fact that you guys still didn't answer my questions last night?"

Typical Blair, asking questions and gets paranoid when they're not being answered.

"Okay, honey. First of all, we are having breakfast. I don't think it's appropriate to talk about that this time."

Blair's brows arched once again because of disbelief.

"A-actually, mom--" Sterling slightly smiled then reached for her nape. "--I want to know. I think I deserve that."

Debbie silently put down her tea, took the napkin out of her lap, and damped it on her lips before saying anything. Anders reached for Debbie's hand that is resting on her lap, which made her look at Anders. She took a big sigh.

"Okay, I'm going to make it short and precise."

Sterling and Blair are waiting for the answers while Anders enjoys himself chewing his food, but it is making an annoying sound. The three girls looked at him.

"What? I'm just eating my food."

Debbie rolled her eyes. The twins looked back at Debbie.

"Dana showed in our old house carrying you. Blair was just a month old. She told me she can't take care of you so she wanted me to take care of you as my own. Dana was a mess. I mean, she still is. But I don't know who your father is. That's it. "

Sterling isn't bothered anymore. She's a Wesley and will always be a Wesley.

"Are you going home right after school?"

Asked Blair while she's driving to school. Sterling's mind is still in the wind.

"Y-yeah. I guess. I don't have much to do."

Blair looked at Sterling with worry.

"It's gonna be okay. I know it's hard for you to walk around and see her in every corner but you have to be strong."

Sterling looked at Blair.

"Yeah. I just have to be strong."

Blair looked at her again, not convinced by how Sterling said those words.

"Or you can pretend you hate her again until it comes true."

Sterling looked at her.

"II-can't do that."

Sterling looked in the side-view mirror when she saw that they're approaching the parking lot.

"Just pretend. Okay? Act tough and doesn't care about her."

The last piece of advice from Blair before they step out of the car. "By the way, you have to take an uber later. I'm gonna meet with Miles. It's our make-up date. Or probably make-up-then-make-out-date."

Sterl just nodded to Blair.

"Incoming."

She whispered to Sterling as she saw April approaching them. Sterling's heart is pounding just the thought of hearing April's voice. She's directly looking at April while walking and is ready to stop whenever April greets her but to her dismay, April didn't greet her, or even called her name, or even took a glimpse of her.

Sterling stopped and turned around, chasing April's back by staring at her.

"Hey, Luke!"

Sterling turned her back before she sees the flirting that is about to happen.

"How is she doing that? I mean, that would be so hard for a gay woman to flirt with someone who's not even on her menu."

Whispered Blair to Sterling while walking towards the entrance.

"Shhhh someone might hear you."

Sterling dropped her bag then turned her face down the table. She kept taking deep breaths, assuming it would heal her aching heart.

"I told you to save me a seat beside you"

She heard the voice she's longing to hear, but she kept her cool and decided to only move when the bell rang.

"I'm sorry, Hannah B is already here when I came in. I wouldn't wanna sit beside--"

Ezequiel looked down at sleeping Sterling. April doesn't even need to turn her back to know who that girl is because even her peripheral vision can recognize her instantly. But for the sake of pretending, she looked around and rolled her eyes.

"Fine."

~~

Hey guys I didn't know that tumblr has a limit. So I cant post the whole chapter. If you'd like to continue reading you can go to my wattpad account. Here's the link.

https://www.wattpad.com/story/251725935?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=BlueWhaaale&wp_originator=ayB6mhaua0htPKGYUuBaMBOLTreql97Gtq2XrCSLeglsobjcXhwlj7feIgshPrYg37%2F%2FSPEokHRINccn6JFN1sjV4x%2BZ8bgbF1HtvWBwBfwTOpRpdINWFkLBcro73h7g

[halcyonnhood]

Ramen, Baking and Glitter || l.h

Summary: Luke realizes he loves his best friend while on tour and confronts the feelings when he sees her again.

Word Count: 3.5k

Warnings: possibly a few curse words.

Authors note: The italics are Luke's memories of her! After the asterisks (***) is when they're back in LA and in present tense. I hope the format looks okay, I typed this out on my phone. Also the OC is very special to me (more about that in the tags.) I may write more about her and Luke.

- - -

The band 5 seconds of summer have travelled thousands of miles over the years. They've explored new countries, cities, and towns. They've met new fans, friends, and probably too many flirty humans. Luke enjoys every last bit of it, he thrives on the attention. Yet, no amount of love from fans manages to take his mind off one of his best friends waiting back in LA for him. Everything happens to remind him of Sarah.

When the boys stayed in Japan, Michael had demanded to stop for ‘proper’ ramen before they left the country. Of course, no one had the heart to deny him his love for traditional Japanese food. The four of them had been bantering and talking about plans when the longing had struck Luke. He was mid bite of his chicken ramen and all he can remember is the silly heated debate he and Sarah had before the tour.

Sarah tosses the bright orange bag back at Luke and scrunched her nose in disgust. She hadn't eaten all day and upon arriving at Luke's house, she decided she wanted to fix something easy. So naturally, she rummaged through his cabinets and made Luke reach the ramen shoved on the top shelf. When he handed the orange bag to her with “chicken flavored” printed across the top, she felt like she was going to have a brain hemorrhage. Now she just stares up at the top shelf in disappointment, as if red bags would magically appear instead.

“I want ramen.” Sarah tells him with pouted lips.

“You just threw the ramen at me,” Luke says. He points at the bag on the counter.

“Yeah, because that's disgusting.” She makes sure to enunciate the word disgusting. “It's chicken.”

“What do you have against chicken ramen? You like chicken, we literally just had some last night.” Luke questions.

“Ya, we had grilled chicken. It's the flavoring in the ramen, it's weird.”

“What kind do you like then?”

“Beef.” Sarah says. She gives him a playful smile when he rolls his eyes at her, “It is the only acceptable ramen.”

“It is not!” He argues. “You're just wrong, you monster. Chicken is a classic,”

She fake gags, “I have taste buds, you giant oaf. Now we have to go to the store because you're wrong.”

Luke spent the rest of the Japan trip thinking about Sarah. He thought about how much he missed her randomly dropping by his house and pretending she owned it. He thought about how she would've really enjoyed eating traditional ramen instead of the instant kind, she would never want to leave the foreign country. Lastly, he made a mental note to buy the girl all the beef ramen she could ever want and to find a restaurant that serves the real stuff. He knows something so small would make her whole day and he just wants her to smile.  

Japan isn't the only time Luke is reminded of the strong willed girl. They had met a fan in Munich who looked uncannily like Sarah and he hadn't been the only one who noticed. If Luke's being honest, he hadn't been paying much attention to the girl at first. She had won some radio station competition and the whole band had greeted her at once before she turned to talk to Michael first. He had taken more of a notice to her after catching Michael's not so subtle glance at the boys and the first thing he had connected was the hair. The fan had her hair honey blonde hair pulled back into a French braid, so what? It wasn't uncommon to see the almost brown hair color and the style was popular. It's not like he hadn't seen it on anyone other than Sarah, he had. It was just such a common sight around his household that he automatically associated it with her.

When the fan had made it to him and pulled away from the hug, Luke felt bad for not paying attention to anything she said. He wanted to, but he was captivated by how she could be a perfect doppelganger. Dark olive green eyes, freckles spotted across flushed cheeks, and a small button nose. All things that looked eerily similar and one look at the boys showed that they had seen it too.

“Holy shit,” Michael said as soon as she had left “That kid looked exactly like Sarah,”

“It's weird,” Calum added. “I mean, all of the features just matched,”

Ashton had chuckled at their surprise, “They do say everyone has lookalikes,”

“Still so weird, especially after not seeing Sarah in months.” Luke said with a shrug. He tried not to think about it too hard.

Three different shows went by without Luke being reminded of her. He thinks it's because he made more of an effort to facetime her at the end of his nights and fulfill his longing to talk to her. When they stop in Paris, he's proven wrong. Luke wishes he could be cheesy and say it's because he realized he was in love with her while in the city of love. Except he realized his love was more than platonic weeks ago.

Ashton had suggested that they go somewhere local for breakfast. So, the duo set out on an adventure for the best place that served breakfast. They ended up in a bakery, ordering an abundance of baked goods and iced coffee. The savory scent of bread mingling with the sweet scent of pastries and cookies reminded him of none other than the girl that he may or may not be in love with. More often than not, she'd spend her extra time using new recipes to bake cookies, cake, and bread. Most of the time she subjected the boys to taste testing, but none of them seemed to mind. There would be days that Calum would be sad to come over to Luke's and find no treats. It was even sadder on recording days when she couldn't make it to the studio to visit and drop off her baked goods. The best days were always when she stopped by.

“Booooys,” Sarah sing songs, “I made some cookies!”  

She sits the plate covered with aluminum foil on the desk and sits next to Michael on the couch. Ashton's listening to the producer play back their latest song while both Luke and Calum are diving for the plate to see who gets a cookie first. The sight just reminds her of how childish they can both be and it makes her laugh.

"What kind are they today?” Michael asks.

Luke sits back and looks at the cookie in his hand while waiting for her to respond with her normal rambles about the recipe. Usually she'll tell them all about how the website lied about the amount of butter or come up with an excuse to why ‘the first batch is bad’. He has to admit that he loves hearing her get so passionate over her baking skills.

“I made two. Can you believe it? TWO!” Sarah excitedly tells him. “I made salted caramel and raspberry with white chocolate chips. AND the caramel is homemade!”

"Wait, you know how to make caramel? This is so good” Calum says while waving around the half eaten cookie.  

"It's so easy, it's just cream, sugar, and butter. But it burns if you don't take it off the heat fast enough. I may have ruined a pan,” She explains the last part timidly.

Some time during her explaining how to make caramel, Ashton had also grabbed one of the cookies. He just shakes his head at the girl with a chuckle, “Sarah, you'd be a good baker if you didn't burn everything,”

"Says the man who is on his second cookie,” Sarah says with a glare.

"This is the third time you've burnt something,”

“I'm betting that other bakers have burnt things before!” She argues.

The other three stay quiet as the two go at it, both of them living for the argument. For a minute, Luke thinks that Ashton is enjoying it too much. That is until Sarah's expression softens from the furrowed brow to a relaxed and playful one instead. Sometimes he thinks they're both too argumentative and honest for their own good, but it always ends in good fun. He could never understand why they actually enjoyed arguing and often times egged each other on, but as long as no one ends up in tears, everyone let's them hash it out.

“The cookies are really good, Sarah.” Luke tells her honestly. His insides feel melty and gooey as her eyes light up at the compliment.

"Thank you, Luke!” She thanks him in an overly sweet tone, “You know how to be a GOOD best friend. That's why I love you,”

It's possible that Luke had fallen hopelessly in love, not that he'd admit it. He had spent the entire world tour consumed with thoughts about Sarah, always seeking out bits and pieces of her in every place they visited. He even associated her with ramen out of all things. Ramen. He knew he'd have to deal with the conflicting emotions eventually, but he still opted to push them away to have a clear head for the rest of tour. A mostly clear head. All he knew was that it was a future Luke problem.

*  * *

“Are you really bringing up the brownies I made in 2017?”

“They were MEMORABLE! Gosh, I remember how bitter they were. It feels like it happened yesterday,”

“Cocoa powder is bitter, you little shit!”

The argument can be heard throughout the hallway leading up to the dressing rooms in the Forum. Luke hadn't been expecting to hear the bright voice until later tonight, so naturally when he hears her, it makes his heart soar. Her words towards Ashton sounds harsh, but he can hear the playful hints in her tone. He isn't even to the door and can already visualize her darkened blonde hair falling past her shoulders, her usual makeup, and a smile tugging at her pink lips. He feels like he might explode with excitement.

Luke is right. He leans against the doorframe and watches two of his favorite people argue. She has half of her hair pulled back in a ponytail, purple glitter tapped onto her cheekbones, and the light catches on her shiny lip gloss. Neither of them acknowledge his presence, but Michael gives him a knowing grin from one of the chairs. He doesn't mind, he's just happy to see her again and admittedly he missed their playful fights. It gives him time to think about how he'd admit his love.

Girls are usually the ones to secretly fall in love with their best friends, at least that's how it's always portrayed in shows. Is it weird for guys to do that? Luke isn't sure how he's supposed to tell her, should there be some grand gesture? Just be straight up with no frilly things? He should've bought her flowers on the way here from their last promo video. He just wants her to feel appreciated whether or not she holds the same feelings towards him.

Luke is brought out of his daze by a smaller body colliding with his and warm arms wrapping around his midsection. He envelopes the smaller girl in his arms and gives her the tight squeeze that he's been waiting months for. She pulls back and he smooths down her frizzy hair with a small smile.

“I missed you so much, Luke.” Sarah smiles brightly up at him. The sight is enough to turn his heart to mush.

He just returns the warm smile, “I missed you more,”

“Now that you're here,’ Sarah turns around dramatically and points a manicured finger at Ashton before continuing, “You can protect me from bullies!”

“What's he bullying you bout’ this time?”

“My brownies! He can never be nice to me. I slaved all night for y'all and he brings up the disaster of 2017. I'm so much better now.” Sarah huffs.

She snatches the Tupperware bowl off of Ashtons lap and twirls around to push it into Luke's hands instead. He takes one out and savors the first bite, Sarah watching his every move for a reaction. She isn't wrong, it's much better than the first time when she forgot to add enough sugar. When he makes a noise of appreciation for the sweet treat, her face lights up and she sticks her tongue out at Ashton with a laugh. Luke swears that he could watch her soft features all evening, but he could settle for a bit of time before the concert. The last concert of the tour. Then he could spend the rest of his days talking to and watching her when she visits.

Sarah points her nose up in a mocking way, “See, Luke agrees that they are good brownies. I'm right. Now if you excuse us, I've got to paint Luke's nails!” .

“Luke's opinion doesn't mean you're right,” Ashton tuts.

"It does too! Accept defeat, Ash.” She calls out while dragging Luke out of the room with her.

Luke almost forgot that he had texted asking her to repaint his nails. Between potentially obsessive thoughts, promo, concerts, and trying to be a real tourist; Luke hadn't found the time to find someone to keep up with his nails. He definitely wants them done for the show, so he doesn't complain about their abrupt departure from the boys. Sarah leads him a few rooms down to one of the unoccupied dressing rooms and points at the lineup of polish bottles on the makeup desk.

"I didn't know what color you wanted this time, so I bought nearly half of my collection with me,” She says.

"You didn't have to bring all this, Sarah. You could've just picked one for me,”

“I wanted to have a choice! I think you should pick something new though. No black or red.”

“You're really going to do that to me?” Luke asks in mock distress.

It makes Sarah let out a giggle and roll her eyes, “I'm so horrible, I know.”

It only takes Luke a moment to narrow down which colors he liked best. He really wanted the sparkly red, but he couldn't ignore her opinion when he valued it so much. She wants something different, so he hands her the pastel  pink polish and gives her a sheepish glance. She doesn't react badly though, she just gives him a wide smile with her pretty lips and motions for him to sit in the chair.

Sarah gets to work with painting his nails, making precise strokes to avoid a mess of polish. He admires the patience and steadiness required to do such a simple task, because the last time he tried it looked like a toddlers handy work. After watching three nails being covered in pink, he turns his attention back to taking in her features. Her brows dip down into a tiny furrow as she concentrates and he notices the new freckles dotted around her forehead and nose. He figures that she must've been in the sun recently, he's always known that the spots darken with exposure to sunlight. He likes how it just adds more depth to her complexion.

Luke also enjoys the glitter. She tends to save the bold look for festivals and he wants to tease her about how their show must be important. He just finds himself fascinated by how it looks on her and how it instantly brightens all of her features. Of course he wouldn't tease her about it when he thinks she looks so effortlessly pretty. Although the thought of him being the reason for her flushed cheeks is tempting enough.

When Sarah sets the closed bottle back onto the desk, Luke notices her makeup sitting neatly in the corner, probably so she can freshen up throughout the night. He wonders if the glitter would have the same effect on him. Plus, he just wants her close to him.

“What's going on in that brain of yours?” Sarah waves a hand in front of his face.

“I was just thinking,”

She purses her lips at him, “No shit, sherlock. Elaborate,”

"You know how you do your makeup? I was thinking about if I'd look good in it and if the fans would like it” Luke tells her honestly.

“The fans would love it, lu. And we'd be matching!” She gushes. He can tell she's already visualizing the look on him.

"Can you do mine too then?”

"I don't think you could afford my services,” She answers, while already reaching for her makeup.

There's more steps to the makeup look than Luke had originally anticipated. She explains each and every step to him and somehow listening to her explain bb cream ends up being the softest thing in the world. She promised that it'd only even out the redness and he does like how natural he looks. After contouring and adding blush, she finally moves onto his eyeshadow and glitter. He catches a glance at himself in the mirror as she pulls back his hair into a half ponytail and he likes how pretty he looks. The glitter looks nice on him and he matches Sarah perfectly.

Sarah pulls out the gloss wand with a ‘pop' sound and smiles at the man, “One last thing.”

"Thank you. I almost look as pretty as you,” He tells her. He likes how her face flushes a darker pink at his compliment.

"Oh, stop that. You could rock it better than me any day,”

Luke studies Sarah's expression for a moment while she puts her makeup away and he's never wanted to kiss someone more. He's spent months away and he's been consumed by his newfound romantic love for her. Now that she's in front of him again, he wants to kiss her and take her out for authentic beef ramen like he had planned. He wants to watch her bake and compliment all of her new recipes. He wants to hold her tight and never leave her again. He's just afraid that she'll never see him as anything other than a friend. He'd accept any love over none at all, but he'll never know the difference until he tries.

"Sarah, can I be honest with you?” Luke questions.

She looks up at him with wide eyes, “Always. What's up?”

"I think I love you,” Luke tells her carefully. “Tour gave me a lot of time to think about how I feel about you.”

"Romantically?” Sarah looks at him in awe and points at herself, “Me?”

"Yes, you.”

“I'm really not sure what to say in this situation,”

"You don't have to say anything,” Luke rubs his sweaty palms against his pants, “We can just pretend this never happened.”

"No, I mean…I think I like you too. It's just that you're my best friend and you were gone. So I don't know how I really feel? It's easy to think one thing without the person around. Now you're here and what if I just missed you?”

"We can always wait to talk about this,” He assures her, “I was just going to ask you to go on a date with me after the show,”

She gives him a lopsided smile, “What kind of date?”

“I figured I'd ask you to a Japanese restaurant, but no weird seafood since you hate that. I thought you'd like some traditional ramen. We had it in Japan and it reminded me of you.”

"The real stuff? Michael talks about how good it is all the time!”

Luke smiles at her reaction, “Would you like to go with me?”

"You know what? Yes! It'll be fun.”

The boys are finishing up last second preparations backstage when Sarah joins them. Michael and Calum are talking with each other and she doesn't see Ashton with them yet, so she takes it as a chance to talk to Luke. He's fidgeting with his in-ear monitors when he notices her walking up to him, a sneaky expression across her features.

"Being a troublemaker?” Luke raises an eyebrow at her.

"You know it! I just took a break to wish you luck,”

"I always need that,” He chuckles.

The stage managers are rushing around and one speeds by calling out that they'll be on in one minute. Luke gives her a frown, sad to leave in the middle of a conversation. Sarah on the other hand just smiles instead and motions for him to lean down. When the tall boy does, she stands on her toes and places a soft kiss against his lips. His blue eyes widened at the unexpected kiss, but softened after the initial shock. She pulls her lip gloss out and touches up his gloss that she had messed up, not wanting to ruin his look. Luke didn't expect Sarah to make the first move, yet he's the one blushing.

“I-” He starts.

Sarah doesn't let him get a word in edgewise and pushes him lightly towards their other three friends, “I think you're going on now,”

"You look pretty. I'll see you after!” She adds again with a smile at the shocked man.

Luke is definitely in love with her, there's not a single doubt in his mind. All he can think about through the concert is the fact that he's never been so excited for noodles in his entire life. Noodles and his favorite girl.  

[ma-gic-gay]

What the fuck is this oxygen thing doing in his nose, why is there someone praying at his bedside and who the hell can dim the lights?

"Oh thank god you're awake," the blonde by his bedside (presumably the one praying) smiles. "Are you comfortable?"

He searches his brain before remembering why he's in here: He got shot and fell to the ground (hence the headache). It was coming out of court and he was convinced they were going to shoot at her. "Are you?" He asks in return, noting that she's clearly stretching her back. The chairs aren't comfortable, though she has gotten used to sleeping in them over the years.

A single tear runs down her stained face (probably makeup, he figures. That's messy stuff) as she smiles. "I've dealt with worse," she answers calmly. When he starts pulling out the oxygen thing, she chuckles to herself. "Epiphany is gonna be mad you did that."

"Well I can breathe fine without it," he argues, mildly wincing with the pain of the bullet wound. "This thing's just annoying me."

"You were shot in the chest and narrowly escaped having a serious head trauma, Jason, that's not fine. I had to sign off on four different surgeries for you! One to remove the bullet, one when something went wrong after that with the bullet, an exploratory brain surgery, and then, just for fun, they had me sign off on an exploratory heart surgery to make sure you hadn't had more severe bleeding than they thought," Carly starts in on him, clearly worked up.

"How long was I out?"

"Three days. You could've died in this hospital and guess who would've been to blame? Me. Sam reminded me of that more times than I'd like to think about," she continues her rant. "No taking stupid risks with your life! If you see a gun pointed at you you run the other direction, you don't save me first! I need you alive so promise me you're not going to be a hero and save everyone but yourself."

"The guns were pointed at you, Carly," he argues, knowing it's in vein by the look on her face that says he's not getting out of this. "I wasn't taking a risk with my life, I was saving you."

"And you could've died doing it!"

"You could've died too, you know. They could've shot you or a bullet could've ricocheted. Besides, I'm fine," Jason shrugs off the surgery. "In a little bit of chest pain and with a minor headache but fine all things considered."

She glares at him, clearly still upset. Grabbing his hand, she exclaims, "I thought you were going to die! Sam was blaming me for it left and right. Jake, Danny and Scout thought their dad wouldn't wake up. Michael, Joss, and Donna were worried to all hell. Which reminds me, I was instructed by Donna to give you this card." After a brief moment of fumbling around in her purse, she found the piece of paper she was looking for and hands it to him.

The card was clearly written by Avery, considering that the handwriting is much better than Donna's. It reads, "Get Better Quick!" And has a stick figure that's supposed to be him with a bunch of red coming from his shirt. Blood, he figures. On the inside, it's the stick figure napping, no more red stain. All in all, it's a cute card.

"Hey Carly, is-" Sam starts, entering the room angrily. "Jason! You're up!"

"I'm going to go call my kids," Carly announces, leaving the room. "I'll be back in a few minutes, probably armed with at least one of them."

Getting a quiet chuckle out of Jason, she leaves the room with a pep on her step. He must've scared them pretty bad if she's that happy about his being awake and as functioning a human as someone in a hospital bed can be.

Sam, beaming, takes Carly's place and says, "Thank god. You were worrying us for a while there."

"I'm fine," he shrugs.

"No you're not. You almost died protecting Carly, again. This is becoming a habit of yours, Jason," she sighs. That's a lie; she knows it too. "You being her hero is going to cost you your life one of these days and I don't want that. None of us do."

Now she's just flat out pissing him off. Only took about a minute to do that, which is kind of impressive. "What do you want me to do, let her get shot?"

She takes a minute to think about her answer. What the hell? There's a right answer and there's a wrong answer here.

"I don't want you to die because of her. That's what I think. If that's the only way for it to happen, then yes, I guess she's going to get shot. It wouldn't kill you to let her have a little bit of the consequences for her actions for once, you know," Sam says simply. "Doing something dumb enough to get shot at might be a sign she has to learn her lesson."

"The gun was aimed at her. It was a hired gun from Cyrus. As far as I knew, his orders were to take her out." When Sam stops reacting, he asks, "What did Cyrus do?"

"You got shot saving her," Sam continues. "She's never going to learn to depend on you less if you keep saving her everytime you think she's in trouble, Jason. She'll always be this dependent, if not more, on you."

Oh good god. This conversation is going in circles and it's giving him a headache. "It's not your business anymore whether she's dependent on me or not," he says, voice as even as possible. She seems to be forgetting they're not together, or even friends anymore. They coparent their kids, that's it.

There's a hurt look on Sam's face, he can see as she simply responds, "You're right. But that doesn't mean that it's a good thing you could die protecting her from her own messes."

"I never said it was a good or bad thing. I'm alive."

"I've got to go get the kids," she excuses herself before leaving the room.

Well now he kinda feels like shit. He didn't mean to send her away or hurt her feelings, but it's clear he did just that. To be fair, she might've forgotten about the kids for a bit and remembered she had to pick them up somewhere, but he doubts it. Not wholehearted doubt, but enough.

"Stop frowning. It causes wrinkles," Carly jokes as she enters the room again. "Sam just went to go get Danny and Scout from the Quartermaine's. My kids are over the moon you're doing better. Donna would like to run in here right now, but I had to remind her it's a hospital and that's disgusting."

"The hospital's fairly clean," he smiles before noticing that her smile doesn't quite reach her eyes. "What happened?"

"Cyrus is out on bail. He's got full reign of the hospital."

"How?"

"I guess his lawyer's actually good and managed to get him bail. Sympathetic judge," the blonde says, shrugging. "He's stayed away from me, thank god. Not for me, for him. I'm half sure if I saw him I'd start attacking him."

"What about the trial?"

"It's over. Cyrus changed his plea. His sentencing isn't for a few weeks, though, so his lawyer petitioned for bail and got it," she smiles brightly as she says the first part, tone turning for the later half. "And if you're not admitted out of here by then, rest assured, I'll break you out to go."

He chuckles, noticing her eyes are glossy. "Why are you crying?"

"I don't know," Carly laughs. "It's just happening. Tears have decided to fall from my eyeballs, which doesn't even make sense because I'm happy right now. You're alive and as well as can be considering your four surgeries, everyone's fine, I don't get it." She wipes her tears away with a chuckle. "If you'd died because of me-"

"I didn't. I'm alive. Stop worrying I'm going to have a heart attack or something and die. I made it, you made it, your family is fine, my family is fine. No point in dwelling on the past," Jason interrupts her. "See? I'll be fine in a few days."

"You're in here because of me," she argues weakly, not meeting his eyes.

"Look at me, Carly," he instructs calmly and she does just that. "This isn't your fault. It's not mine or anyone but Cyrus's. And the guys that shot me. Alright? You did nothing wrong."

"I could've-"

"Could've what? Been psychic? Predicted the future? That's not real and we both know it. What is real is that I am alive. Everyone we care about it alive. I'm not planning on dying anytime soon. Everything is fine and you're not responsible for not having psychic abilities," Jason reminds her, watching her try to find a hint of a lie within the words or a way she can continue to blame herself. "Stop blaming yourself."

"Fine," she caves, "if you promise to not forget to save yourself when bullets start flying around me, I'll stop blaming myself."

"Deal."

"I'm waiting for the promise."

"I promise to remember to save myself and you."

"See? That wasn't so hard, was it?"

"No," he says, "it really wasn't."

"You can thank me at any time for introducing you to the lovely world of negotiation."

"I've been in a business involving negotiation since the 1990s."

"Coffee is a very competitive business."

"Very."

When she stops bantering with him and kisses him, he knows something in his life has changed.

To be continued after I pass out :) I live in hell

ô

[tea-leaves-and-autumn-trees]

https://my.w.tt/epxsT1jlU3

If anyone is interested, that's the link above. Posted on Wattpad.

Reverie

 This is a story about depression and self harm. Please be warned after you proceed from this.

It rained that day. The sky shrouded in hues of gray as little droplets hit her face. She smiled at the feel of it where no one can distinguish the tears from her eyes to the rain drops softly caressing her face. She didn't care if she'll get a cold, she actually wishes it or maybe, if she's lucky, catch something worse. She sighed and prepared herself to move again. Each step a bit hesitant from the next as she clutched the strap of her bag a bit tighter and kept her head down.

'Why not end it today?' She thought to herself. 'What makes tomorrow different from today? They're all the same, everything is the same...' she tried to dismiss the thoughts that are building up but it's starting again. Like a curl of the wave building up from a distance and crashes on the shore. Her mind was somewhere else as she made her way home.

"Hey, Eli, are you back home?" she heard the moment the door closed a little too loudly. She cringed as she mentally reminded herself to close the door slowly next time.

"Yeah, mom." She mumbled.

"Can you get me water? It's on the dinning table." Her mom said never taking her eyes off the computer screen as she was fitting a puzzle piece with the others that she had already formed.

She silently sighed to herself as she adjusted the bag on her shoulder and made her way to where her mother's half empty glass stood, grabbed it and stood silently at her back.

"Thank you." She said as she turned and took the glass from Eli's hand. She took a sip from it and went back to her computer screen.

Eli turned her back after a minute and proceeded to the staircase to go up to her room.

"Take a bath! You're soaking wet!"

**********

Click. She is now in the safety of her room. A place of familiarity; her laptop on her desk, books on her shelves and some strewn across the floor, Clothes from yesterday lay misshapen. She made her way to her laptop and turned it on then put her bag down on the bed and took her things out. One in particular she took longer to put down. A notebook. Just like any other notebook, It was old and had some of the pages sticking out, a crease on the side and an indentation where it was folded one too many times. It was already a part of her, one she could never part with or let anyone else hold. It had her thoughts, her deepest darkest secrets, her desires and what she could never tell anyone. It's the only thing she had her full trust on.

She slumped on the floor with her back to the foot of the bed, the comforter was comfortable against her back. She caressed her notebook's cover imagining what's inside it and that feeling was sweeping over her again. Her phone suddenly rang. The light blinked in a pulsating manner as Slenderbodies' anemone started filling her room. She loved that song. She let the phone ring just staring at her notebook's cover with a smile. She got lost in her thoughts again and subconsciously brushed her right hand on her left inner forearm. Creak. Her senses heightened and suddenly stared to where the sound was and sighed, calming her heart down.

"I called you. But you didn't answer."

"Hey, Matthew. We have a door you know."

Matthew stared calculatingly at her as he made his way from her window to where she sat while grabbing the towel that was placed on the back of her chair.

"Showered in the rain again, huh? How long was the last time you showered, three weeks?"

Eli gently elbowed him after he placed the towel on her shoulders and rubbed her upper arms to create a little bit of heat.

They sat silently as Eli was fidgeting with her finger nails.

"You know you can talk to me right? I'm not like the others that you fear would judge you. You know me better than that."

"I know... Just – not right now okay, Matt? I don't feel like it today." Eli said as she put her hands on her shoulders and suddenly felt a shiver begin.

"I better take a shower." She said as Matt stood up and extended his hand. She held his hand and helped her up.

They made their way to the hallway and Eli stopped as she was about to enter the bathroom. Matt proceeded to the stairs and stopped before taking the first step down as Eli called out to him.

"Hey, Matt? You doing anything tomorrow afternoon?"

He shook his head.

"You wanna hang out, maybe go for a swim or watch a movie or something?"

"That sounds great. I'll wait downstairs this time, god knows when you answer your phone. Around 1-ish?"

"Sounds great. See you, Matt."

"Laters! - oh! Hey Mrs. Rodgers, bye Mrs. Rodgers. "Matt said as he disappeared from Eli's sight and was replaced by her mom peaking through the stairs her hand on the top newel.

"Amelia, come along, dinner is ready."

She nodded and went into the bathroom.

[autumnrose11]

This scene demonstrates, perhaps more than any other, just how much Mary has grown up, how much she's changed from the spoiled, entitled, arrogant young woman she was before the war. It's 1917 at 0this point, and for the last three years, she's been praying every day for Matthew's safety, terrified every day of receiving the news that he's lost to her forever.

Taking Carson's advice (in some ways, he's closer to her, and knows her better than her own father), she's come to tell Matthew she's in love with him. From a viewpoint that benefits HER and HER feelings, it's the sensible thing to do - letting Matthew know she loves him before it's too late. But there she finds Lavinia, in tears because Matthew's leaving her unexpectedly, and she fears the worst for him, just as Mary does. Mary puts her own crushing pain aside, and comforts and reassures Lavinia (who is in fact her rival!) and tries to be strong for both her sake and Matthew's, despite the fact that her own heart is breaking into pieces every minute to know that he is engaged to someone else, that he is not hers to love, that (romantically) she has permanently lost him. This is so indicative of Mary's incredible emotional strength and compassion, and the level of kindness she is capable of. The daily terror of losing the love of her life has brought out the best in her. In this scene, she sees for herself how deeply and truly Lavinia loves Matthew. Let's bear in mind that at this point, Mary still sees herself as "soiled," unworthy of Matthew's love - the reason she didn't accept his proposal in the first place.

So anyway - Lavinia refuses to be comforted by Mary's "I know he'll be all right," and blurts out the harsh, hard truth: that however much they pray, there is no guarantee of survival. And there Lavinia says the sentence which tips the scales: "If he died, I don't think I could go on living." In that instant, Mary's expression subtly changes, because Lavinia has just voiced what she herself has been feeling for so long: if Matthew dies, her world will crumble because HE OWNS HER HEART. She sees another young, sweet, innocent girl who truly loves Matthew, and to Mary, Lavinia is the one who deserves Matthew, not her.

Matthew interrupts the conversation between the two women. Lavinia retreats indoors, leaving Mary with full freedom to confess her feelings. She could very easily have blurted the words out to Matthew that she loves him. But she doesn't. In her mind, Matthew and Lavinia are happy, and she doesn't want to sabotage that. The basic summarisation of this scene is: Mary wants Matthew to be happy, even if it's not with her.

Lavinia comes outside briefly, to ask if she can stay for luncheon. It's worth noting that Matthew somewhat eagerly looks back at Mary, most likely hoping she'll say yes, because even subconsciously, he wants her company. But she doesn't. She's already decided to chicken out of the whole thing, and staying in the same room making polite conversation with the man she's so desperately in love with, and his fiancée, would crush her.

Matthew: So what was your mission?

Mary: Just to say ... long pause ... we hope you're still coming for dinner tonight.

Matthew: Certainly we are. Why wouldn't we?

Mary: Sure? It'll be your last evening.

Matthew: Why? Don't you want me?

Mary: Of course I want you. Very much.

You can practically feel her heart shattering to pieces. She knows that this is perhaps her last chance to confess her feelings, but she doesn't, because Matthew's happiness is more important than anything. She wants to see him satisfied. In the same way that, at the garden party in 1.07, Matthew tearfully tells her, "God knows I wish the best for you." No matter how much the other hurts them, they want nothing but the best for each other.

But Mary cannot resist sneaking in a double entendre, even unintentionally. Of course I want you. Very much. You can see the words on the tip of her tongue, but they're dying on her lips. The quick embarrassment as she says it, you can sense her obvious longing, the way she can't quite meet his eyes when she says that and looks downwards. She wants him SO SO BADLY, and of course she isn't talking about the dinner at all. She knows that she's the one who broke his heart in the first place, and if only she'd been braver she could have been engaged, if not married to this wonderful man. She wants so much to express what she feels for him, what has been bottled up inside her for so long, but she can't because she's gagged by her love for him. She makes a feeble excuse about needing an excuse to walk, and then swiftly walks away, because she's clearly about to burst into tears (her FACE as she strides away!) and she can't stand another moment there. She knows Carson is right, that she should have told him her feelings, but in her mind, MATTHEW and everything about him takes precedence over herself. OH GOD THIS SCENE CRUSHED ME WHEN I FIRST SAW IT.

I hope that made sense! Thank you for reading!

Tell him what’s in your heart. If you still love him, let him know. If you don’t tell him you could regret it all your life long.