#let’s pray that i find a jason this semester

[uc1wa]

college!jason and dry humping.........

oh i have so many versions of this in my head

18+ minors dni

tags: gn reader, dry humping, kissing, slight choking

it’s not jason’s fault that he asked you to study in his bedroom. i mean, you did study for what… an hour?

if it was his fault, you wouldn’t be on top of him right now, your clothed legs on either side of his grey joggers. one of your hands in his hair and the other on his defined arm, rubbing yourself against your study partner to get the tiniest taste of him.

"fuck, yeah keep doing that," he mumbles against your lips that are glossed in a mixture of yours and his saliva. one of his hands are on your hips—ironic that he’s telling you what to do when he’s guiding your movements entirely. "already hard?" you tease, feeling the obvious boner that your clothed entrance is trying to ride against.

the hand that’s cupping your cheek slithers down to your throat, tightening in what feels like a teasingly threatening way. "shut up," he kisses, biting your lip.

jason wasn’t exactly a gentlemen, but he didn’t wanna fuck you yet. he liked you, and this was his version of first base, moaning and dry humping in his room with his other roommates in their rooms, respectively. technically, he was only kissing you and rubbing against you—no harm, no foul.

you wouldn’t know with the way his lips are kissing at you hungrily, like somebody in a rush. the way he’s bucking his hips in a quick rhythm against yours to fulfill the aching between his legs. but, it’s jason todd and he’s under you and there’s not another man you’d want to be sucking your tongue.

his hand stays at your throat for another beat, pulling you closer and kissing you harder. your body adjusts, your knee hitting a journal and you have to push it away. the closeness making him feel that much better against you, and you’re beginning to wonder when he’s going to take your pants off.

but suddenly jason pulls your face back, grinning, both of your lips swollen and glossy. "think you’re gonna remember that data sequence for tomorrow?" he asks, the whole reason you’re here was to study for the quiz you both had the following day.

your head tilts while wiping your mouth with your hand, and one end of your lip pulls. "oh, all of this was some tactic to get each other to pass tomorrow, huh?" and the man whose hands are still on your hips, playing with the band of your sweatpants laughs.

"well we’ll see tomorrow, and plan our next study session based on it." the following day you both passed, looking at each other knowingly after your score popped up on your computer screen.

"same time tomorrow?" because it couldn’t hurt to get a head start on studying.

[lightwing-s]

𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐖𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐓𝐒

pairing: jason todd x fem! reader

summary: when you're desperate for a quick shower, the last thing you expected was for it to last this too long, or for you to be accompained by a boy.

word count: 4,6k warnings: shower sex, oral sex (m receiving), handjob, language

a/n: it's 4am and I need to wake up for work at 6am, but I promised myself i'd finish it today (or yesterday) and so i did. not proofread, so i apologize for any mistakes. hope you enjoy, much love ♡.

reblogs and interactions are always appreciated ! ♡

⌜masterlist⌟ ⌜requests⌟

Throbbing pain consumed your frontal lobe

It was way past the usual time practice ended. Way past. All your teammates stood around the coach for a prolonged scolding session after the team had lost the past two matches in a not so nice —extremely bad—, manner.

The season had barely started and you could see in everyone’s eyes they were all already exhausted. And so were you.

Your legs burnt from all the exercise, feeling like your muscles were about to rip open at any moment. Your scalp itched, as the sweat settled on your hair, leaving it oily and stinky. Gosh, you needed a shower.

Time did not seem to pass. No, the coach did not seem to ever want to stop talking.

Taking a glimpse to your right, you catch sight of your best friend impatiently standing on the bleaches. One of her legs shaking and her arms crossed on her chest. “Shit” you whispered to yourself, as you knew another scolding was doomed the minute you stepped out of the court.

You didn’t know why you’d agreed to attend Johnson’s party with her. You’re upset over the team's recent performances, crowded with school work, and your parents had been bugging you about their holiday plans all week. Clear to say, your head was too full to attend a party tonight, and you were solely going for the unquestionable loyalty you had towards your friends.

Nessie had been annyong you the entire month about this party. Johnson was this frat guy she shared a few classes with, and she had been drooling over him since the semester started. So when he personally invited her to tonight’s party, it became the only thing she talked about for weeks and sealed the next steps into her imaginary relationship with the guy.

When the coach finally decided that he had enough of calling you all shitty athletes and dismissed you for the day, a swarm of players desperately headed out to the changing rooms in hopes of a well deserved shower. 

You, on the other hand, were stopped in your way by your friend, who had rushed towards you as soon as she heard the coach say “See you tomorrow”.

“Let’s go?” she pouted, making you roll your eyes at her very evident desperation.

“I just need to take a shower.” you bemoaned, feeling disgusted by the sweat and the sticky sensation all over your body. You had been practicing for hours, rolling on the floor, running around. You just wanted to get rid of all traces of sweat and dirt from your body. Her pout, however, only grew larger. “Do you really want me to show up all stinky to this party?”

In all honesty, you didn’t really want to show up at all. But you had promised, and your damned loyalty wouldn’t allow you to back off now. She wanted you to go, or more so need you there for moral support, either if he came onto her and she didn’t know what to do, or the unspoken possibilities of him ignoring her or finding him with someone else.

“You do stink a little. Please, be quick” she moaned, hands together in a praying position, and you gave her an amused smile and a push towards the side, clearing your way out of where you stood. 

Following in the direction the hoard of girls had just walked through, you jogged your way to the locker room in hopes of finally taking that well deserved shower. However, you hadn’t counted on the handball team also practicing till the late hours of the night, and now the locker room looked more like an electronics store on black friday than an university bathroom.

Each and everyone of the shower cabins were full, and ladies lined outside its doors waiting for the moment they’d be free. It would take you a lot longer than you had imagined, and you could already feel your best friend fuming outside if you had to make her wait any longer than you had promised. 

Grabbing your bags, you walked out and in her direction. “Let’s go. I’ll change in your car.”

“But you haven’t showered?” she inquired.

“We’re never gonna make it in time. Locker rooms are full.” you stated, taking her hand and trying to walk away, to which she held her ground and refused to move.

“You’re not going like this,” her features softened, and she looked at you with kindness in her eyes. “You want to shower, so go.” she ordered, arms crossing over the deep cleavage of her bright red top, in sort of a motherly way. “I’ll wait.”

“Johnson is waiting for you” you tried to persuade, but she shook her head again.

“Party is not ending anytime soon. And looking on the brighter side, we’ll get him thinking of me all the time, wondering if we’re coming or not, you know.”

You gave her a smile, admiring how her little mind worked. Fixing the bag on your shoulder, you turned to go inside the room you once were, but seeing girls hanging around the entrance made you give up instantly. “But, there’s so many people. We could go home and shower there in the same amount of time.”

“And cross the city twice?” she exclaimed, throwing her arms up. “Isn’t there another place you can shower?”

“There’s the boys locker room.” you remembered.

“Are there any boys’ sports teams practicing today?”

“Not that I remember.” And holding your hand, she dragged you around the corridors towards the boys’ locker room. 

The two of you sneaked around every corner, checking to see if anyone was around. Failing to meet anybody, you arrived at the room in no time. It was empty and you could hear your lone footsteps echoing on the gray walls.

“This smells so much of testosterone.” Nessie noted, looking around the room like a little kid in Disneyland, but face scrunched in disgust.

“It’s the boy’s locker room, Nessie. Of course it’d smell like that.” you laughed, stacking your clothes and a towel over the door of the stall you had chosen to shower in, on the far corner of the locker room. When you fish for your shampoo and conditioner from inside your bag, however, you’re met with the complete absence of both. “Nessie…?” you called, hearing a hum in response. “I forgot my shampoo and conditioner.”

“Are you serious!?” she screamed, and not daring to look at the side to see her, you could picture her standing there with her arms on her waist, and the biggest annoyed expression on her face. “I have some in the car, just wait right there.” she sighted, immediately running past you on her way to the door.

“It’s not like I can’t go anywhere.” you tried to lighten the mood as you heard her footsteps leaving your earshot. “Oh! And get me soap too! Nessie, I love you!”

You watched her disappear through the large double doors leading to the corridors, the rapid sounds of her footsteps bouncing off the walls and into your ears, a big contrast to the otherwise silent room you were left in once she was gone from earshot.

A deep exhale left your lungs. The silence and emptiness, somehow, a much more comfortable ambience. Still wrapped around a towel, you grabbed your bag from where it stood on one of the benches, leaving the locker area and making way to an empty shower stall. 

Gladly, the university opted out of open showers and gave students individual stalls instead, thankful for the privacy and the chance to feel a bit like home while getting cleaned. Entering through the grey door, you lay your bag on a small shelf and hang your towel on a hook beside it. The humidity already making your skin sticky.

The warm water falling on your body feels like a pain reliever, as your muscles immediately relax and the temperature helps in keeping you cozy. Breathy, tired moans escaped your lips while you enjoyed the sensation, entering a bubble of solitude, warmth and peace.

With your eyes closed as you let water fall down your face, you almost didn’t notice the sounds around you. Your head was far away from that bathroom, thinking of a place where mean spirited, annoying coaches and teammates that loved to complain about your smallest mistakes did not exist, but the far sound of engines losing power broke you from dreamland.

Opening your eyes to complete darkness, you feel a pit form in your stomach and your heart skipped out of beat. It wasn’t like you were scared of the dark, but the thought of being alone in the dark exactly where you were, sure made you a tidy bit nervous.

Grabbing your towel from the hook, you loosely wrapped it around yourself. “Hello?” you called out, in hopes your friend would have already returned, but the echoing of your voice through the room was enough of a response: you were indeed alone. “Hello?” you called once more, head peeking out of the shower box to find nothing but darkness.

Stepping outside, your wet feet met the cold stone floors, leaving behind puddles as you ventured your way into the darkness. The sound of dripping water adding to the tension and the weird feeling you got on the base of your stomach. Shit. This could not get any worse.

A soft, barely audible, screech sounded from right in front of you, making you freeze in place. Your breath heavied, and you tried to focus on hearing every sound in that room, fight or flight instincts ready to act, only catching the sound of more dripping water from the same direction of the screeching sound.

The locker area seemed to be even darker than the space you were before. Extending your hands to guide you through the dimness, you finally felt the wooden touch of the lockers as you slowly turned the corner into the empty area.

However, arms still extended in front of you, you suddenly hit something standing in your way… It wasn’t hard like the concrete pillars or the wood of the lockers, it was rather soft, smooth, cold and slightly wet. Sliding your hand over it, you suddenly found a crack and… 

“OH MY FUCKING GOD!” you screamed, stepping back swiftly and hitting your back against something hard, losing balance and falling ass first onto the floor. “Ugh”

“Are you alright?” you heard a deep masculine voice fill the room from where your arms had just reached, but you were too scared out of your mind to form any sort of coherent answer. If your scream a few moments earlier didn’t give away that you were not a boy, you wouldn’t be giving him anymore hints you were not the kind meant to be using this room. “Hello? Are you dead?” he called out one more time.

“No!” you replied and immediately covered your mouth. But what the hell kind of question was that?

“Good, I wouldn’t want someone’s cause of death to be touching my butt.”

For that, you were thankful all you could see was black, as whoever it was would not see your cheeks turning redder than they’d ever been. And then you realized, upon feeling the sticky coldness of the tiles on your butt, that you were ass naked on the floor. But not only ass naked, full naked, as your towel had fallen somewhere after your scare.

“Are you alright?” he asked again. “If you don’t know, I’m extending my hand to help you up.”

Closing your eyes shut, you mentally slapped yourself for getting into this situation, and mentally punched your friend for convincing you to get there in the first place. 

Making sure to avoid his stretched arms, you pushed yourself forward on your knees, failing to stand up on the wet puddle you’d formed on the floor.

As if the universe was conspiring against you, though, the lights suddenly were turned on, and when you looked up, you were face to “face” with a large bulk hidden under a white towel. Looking further up, you met with deep blue eyes that made you lose balance once more.

“You aren’t supposed to be here, are you?” he questioned, one eyebrow popping up. But you never got a chance to reply, as both your eyes shifted to the coming sound from out the door. 

Multiple voices screaming out incoherent words you were too nervous to decipher. “Oh shit.” you heard from above your head, and suddenly felt a hold on your upper arm, as the floor quickly moved further from you. “Here, take this.” the boy handed you his towel, exposing himself while he desperately dragged you from your frozen position.

Shoving you inside your shower booth, he disappeared for a second before joining you inside.

“What are you doing?” you asked exasperated, holding both your towel and your eyes for dear life.

“Saving your ass?” he replied, pushing your head down so you were sitting on the floor once more. “Get low or they’ll see you.”

The voices only got louder, as what you now suspected were the basketball team joined you in the changing rooms.

“Can’t you guys have the decency of not throwing your towels on the floor?” you heard someone scream from outside, finding out where your towel had made it to after slipping away from your grip.

A soft chuckle grabbed your attention, and you looked up from your place in the corner of the booth to find the boy who had just saved you from total embarrassment with a huge smirk glued on his lips.

“What are you laughing at?” you mouthed.

“You.” he mouthed back, dramatically accentuating his lip movements while pointing his finger at you as you only pouted in return. Throwing his head back in a silent laugh, you stopped to notice the white strand of hair bouncing along his head movements and hanging on his wet forehead. “What are you doing in the boys locker room anyways?”

“It thought it was empty.” you answered sharply, trying to speak as low as you could, but the boy grew his eyes at you, placing a finger on his lips to shut you up.

A shadow appeared from beneath the door, and soon someone tried to open the door to your stall. Freaked out, you instinctively hid further into your corner, while the boy rushed to hold the door closed.

“Kinda busy, mate.” he warned, resting his body weight on the door.

“Wha... Who is it?” asked the voice from outside.

“It’s Jason Todd. From weightlifting?” 

Upon finally knowing the name of today’s savior, you tried to scan your memory to find any recollection of that name, perhaps hearing that it once, but Jason Todd was total news to you, not so much his naked body standing right in front of you.

“Jay! Did not see you come in!” the boy from outside exclaimed.

“Mikey, hey!” Jason replied awkwardly. “Yeah, hmm… I was here before you guys arrived.”

“In the darkness?” the voice pitch got higher.

“Vibes and shit.” he told, looking at you to find your wide eyes and a look that said what the fuck more than words itself could. “Kinda liked it.” he stuck his tongue out at you.

“Alright, man. Nice shower.” As Jason thanked the guy, Mikey, in return, you watched as the shadow dissipated into the noisy room outside your door. Exhaling a deep breath you didn’t notice you were holding, you allowed relief to consume your body for a brief second.

Jason seemed to relax too, as you watched his shoulder fall down as he turned back in your direction, turning on the shower and getting under the water.

You wanted to complain. You really did, as your towel grew wetter by the second. But finally paying attention to his hanging penis just inches from you took out of your courage to say anything back at him.

To say you were embarrassed was an understatement. Your face must have looked bright red, like a firemen’s truck, because god damn it, there was a naked man showering right beside you.

Holding your towel, now soaked in water, tighter to your chest, you promised yourself not to look, not to glimpse, not even peek at your side for as long as this torturous experience had to last. You knew soon Nessie would come back, and she would find a way to get you out of there. Or so you wished.

When a drop of white foam fell on your cheek, the strong smell of coconut filled your nostrils, forcing you to look up in exasperation. ”Are you fucking for real?!” you whisper-screamed, as you watched him wash the shampoo off his hair.

“Might as well make the most out of this situation.” he simply shrugged, leaving wide eyed and angry.

Shaking your head, you first caught a glimpse of that same colored water falling down his extremely toned calves, and followed their way up to where his legs met his torso, then the well molded line that led to his groin.

Your eyes fell once more, this time for longer, on his member, thick, flaccid but already extensive, and you swore your mouth watered. Swallowing dry, you daren't look up any further, promising yourself to keep your eyes glued at the door. But a scoff brought your attention higher up.

Jason’s eyes held yours for what felt like minutes, darked than you remembered, as his face was decorated with a devilish smirk that had your core feeling… things. He looked at you from under his lashes, trapping you, holding you down without even touching your body. Then, he shifted on his feet, moving his body just slightly in your direction.

You knew what he wanted. You also knew what you wanted, too. 

Biting your bottom lip, trying to hold yourself and your thoughts, you wondered if that would even be a good idea. But you were already fucked anyways, might as well make the expression a reality.

With one more look at the gray door, you hoped, prayed, it kept you safe. Looking up to meet Jason’s darkened eyes, you made sure to hold your gaze on his, looking at him with feigned innocence, with dirt filled intentions, and an almost impatient hunger. 

Letting your towel go from your hold, you get on your knees in front of him, not yet letting his eyes go.

He was not smiling anymore, eyes seemingly drowsy from just looking at yours, mouth almost hanging open, saved by the small part of his brain holding him together. And then your eyes dropped.

You noticed his dick had hardened a bit, just from looking at you, on your knees, ready to submit to him in the dirtiest place he could ever (or never) have imagined. Your breath was heavy, leaving your nose right into his member and teasing him even more.

You licked him, from the tip to the base, eyes trapped on his face and the way it contorted, head hanging back and lips trapped between his teeth. Taking a hold of him from the base, you moved your hand up and down his length, prepping him up, feeling the hardness forming in your palms before going in with your mouth.

His size quickly filled your cheeks, as you pushed him deep into your throat. He moaned loud, and your eyes warningly flashed up to meet his again, telling him to keep quiet just like he did with you before. You let him calm down before moving your head again, up and down his length, hands assisting on the parts that you couldn’t fill in your mouth.

He couldn’t moan, but his body was giving you the right answers to your touch, shaking feverishly, as you sucked him, licked him, devoured him. Oftentimes, you would feel his tip reaching your throat, making you gag and his body jolt from the sensation.

His hands wrapped around your hair, pushing you deeper, harder, as you had to let go of his member to keep yourself steady, holding his tights for support. He was fucking your throat like there was no tomorrow, your tears mixing with the water falling on your head, his eyes closed, enjoying the sensation, and soon you felt the bitter taste of him release hitting your tongue.

Swallowing all, you still hang your tongue out, waiting, begging for more, but he chose to paint your breast with the last few bits of his cum, reaching his hands to massage it all over, holding and picking at your nipple while doing so, the sensation already driving you wild.

Grabbing you by the arm, he pulled you up to your feet, mouth going straight to you boobs, licking his own cum off it, sucking and biting your nipples, drawing breathy moans from deep within your throat. His mouth engulfed your entire boob, or it felt like so, as your head rolled back and he had to hold your hips so you wouldn’t fall.

Pinning you against the wall, he licked his way up your breast to your mouth, tongue going in first and trapping you in a wet, desperate kiss, as you moaned against his lips. Going their way up from your hips, making sure to explore every bit of skin, every curve on your body, his hands came to rest on your neck.

At first, delicately holding your chin up, as he continued to make out with you, sucking your tongue, leaving you breathless. Then, choking you tight while his other played with your clit.

Your body squirmed, jolted, lost all control under his touch. Looking at you through his deep blue eyes, he smirked at you, drowned in ecstasy, in pleasure he was giving you. Inserting two fingers, he moved them quickly inside of you, gluing his mouth on your again before any noise could come out of it.

Quickly, you hit your high and came all over his fingers, as he continued to finger you through it all, slowing down just a little bit at a time.

Letting you ride out your high, he watched you carefully, the hand leaving your neck to hold you by the hips. Lifting his hand up to his lips, he licked them off your orgasm, going back to wet his fingers again, this time placing them on your lips. You sucked them off just like he had done before, and he groaned right before your face.

Pulling your legs around his hips, Jason looked back over his shoulder, staring at the door making sure it was still closed, before looking at you, hand moving up and down his member. He stared at you, eyes meeting each other for the billionth time, and he nodded, asking for permission.

You gave him your dirtiest smirk, arching your back to meet his groin with your pussy and he quickly inserted his tip in you. Slowing, as if trying to drive you crazy, he pushed inside. Once he was fully in, you could feel your walls stretching, trying to fit him all, getting used to the thickness. It hurt a bit, having grown unused to the sensation since the last time you had sex, but he was sweet, kissing you slowly till you gave him any indication to continue.

Wrapping your arms over his shoulder, you pulled him closer, speeding up your kiss and moving your hips around his cock. He let you lead the moment for as long as you could, assisting in holding you up, but when he felt your movements weakening he held you harder against the wall as he thrusted deep inside you.

You were glad for the water, and the many boys screaming and making noises outside, that your own sounds were ignored by everyone else but you two.

Jason’s fingers were printed on where he held you up, still sucking your tongue, as your hands marked his back in what you wish was forever.

His thrusts grew faster, needier, and he struggled to keep quiet. It didn’t take long till he creamed your walls, biting your lip to hold his moan. You felt the silvery taste of blood, but you didn’t want him to stop. And so he didn’t, searching for your release through sloppy thrust and a finger rubbing at your clit.

“J-jay… I’m gonna cum.” you desperately said, begging him for help in not screaming your high out to the entire locker room to hear. Licking and sucking at your throat, he had to quickly move back up and land his lips on yours, as you came all over his dick.

You two kissed for a while longer, bodies weak but a hunger to continue for even longer. 

He let legs fall back to the floor with care, caressing the spot where his fingerprints were printed on. It was gonna be purple by the morning, but you didn’t care at all. 

When his lips left yours, he let out a chuckle, enjoying every second of your neediness. Jason was going down, kissing the base of you torso, when a loud scream came from outside, stealing your attention from his warm lips.

“OH MY GOD, THERE’S AN NBA PLAYER AT THE FRONT OF THE COMPLEX?!” screamed a female voice, as like kids running after the ice cream truck, you heard footsteps, doors banging and questions of “who?” and “where?” being throwing around.

You pushed Jason aside, recognizing that scream even with a misty head. “Y/n?” you heard Nessie call. “Y/n, please tell me you’re alive!”

“Nessie, I’m here.” you replied, hearing she thank God and another 10 different entities altogether.

“Let’s go, before they realize no NBA player would find themselves in this hell hole.”

Turning back, you bumped into Jason’s chest, who wrapped his arms around your middle. 

“Wouldn’t she let us finish?” he begged, mouth traveling above yours.

“Jay” you tried to form anything, any sentence, but his presence, his existence, making you drowsy. “I can’t risk it. I need to go.”

He couldn’t let you, crashing your lips once, twice, three times, before you had to push him away, with not much success.

“I’ll be here every practice, every…”

“Volleyball practice?” you completed, arching your eyebrows.

“Yeah, every fucking volleyball practice.” he said between kissing and marking your neck. “Waiting for you, in the ladies bathroom if you want.”

You gave him a chuckle, trying to untangle him from your body, although you desperately wanted to stay. “Yeah, I don’t think so.” His head bobbed up, looking sad all of a sudden. “You can meet anywhere else that you want, but let’s leave locker rooms behind.”

“I’ll hold you on that promise.” he said, eyebrowns up challengely. “Y/n.”

Your head rolled back at the mere way he pronounced your name, almost failing to leave, almost dropping yourself in his arms again, when Nessie called you once again.

“I need to go.” you told him, grabbing your bag and the rest of your stuff from the shelf.

“Y/n.” Jason called.

“Jay, I’m serious” you moaned, not holding your beaming smile.

“Y/n.” he repeated, as you opened the stall door.

“Ja…” 

“Your towel.” he interrupted, holding you your damped towel as you noticed you didn’t have anything covering your body.

Taking it from his hands and wrapping them around your body, you didn’t even seem to notice its wetness, and neither did Jason, you two still immersed in the early moments to care about anything else.

“Thank you.” you whispered, running as fast as you could while leaving a pool of water on your way out.

“You’re soaking the floor!” Nessie pointed, pulling your hand as you ran in the opposite direction you had come from.

“Oh Nessie, this is the last thing you want me to talk about right now.”

[redjaybathood]

hey judas pt 5

still draft, you can find the other parts by tag so i’m not linking it

to recap: Jason is in Blackgate, Tim and Steph are doing a documentary about him, less said about Bruce the better, Barbara lost her job doing intel gathering/cover-up at GCPD, Rena stands with Jason. And now, to answer some of y’all questions about why people were so quick to turn against Jason, let’s see what one of such people has to say about it.

“I don’t know what do you want me to say about him.”

“You can start small. Introduce yourself, how do you know him. What were your first impression of him, that sort of thing.”

“Oh, okay. Well, my name is Shane Rivers. I knew Todd since we were about thirteen, I guess. We went to the same middle school, then Gotham Academy for the high school. And I would love to say that I never liked him, that I knew who he was all along but that wouldn’t be true.

So, when he first appeared, it was in the middle of semester. When your school is such a closed community as our was, anyone who is transferred late is big news. Easy way to become popular because everyone wants to get to know you better. Everyone can become your friend. But that wasn’t the case with Todd. He was really - you know, it’s kinda obvious in hindsight but it took me, all of us, really, a lot of time to figure out. He was a liar. There were small things, you know, he would be very nice and friendly with teachers, he would be kinda rude and dismissive with other kids. But, you know, okay, you have to respect your elders, right? We gave him a break. But then we would, you know, try to start a conversation, ask him questions. Because everyone knew he was the newest Wayne’s heir, but where did he came from? Was he really Wayne’s son, or just adopted? Who were his real parents and why he wasn’t living with them anymore? And maybe that wasn’t our business but if you just tell a kid that it’s a painful topic and you would rather not talk about it… Kids understand things like that. We would have backed off. But no, he had this out of this world story about how his parents were travelling circus performers, and were killed by some gangster in Gotham.”

“But this is…”

“Oh, yeah, Richard Grayson’s origin story. I don’t know why did he think that would even work. He could have made up anything, you know! That his mother had a fling with Wayne and then moved overseas not telling anyone that she got pregnant and hid him from Wayne until he became old enough to contact his father himself. Or, that his parents were friends with Wayne but got into some kind of accident and died, and Wayne was named his guardian. Anything! We would have bought it, I think. Kids have pretty high tolerance for bullshit.”

“But instead, he plagiarized his foster brother’s story.”

“Exactly! And it’s an insult to injury. Lying to everyone was bad enough, but how dumb exactly did he think we are? So I paid a guy couple of years below… That guy, I don’t remember his name, exactly, but he was famous for digging up stuff for people on social media. We usually used it for teachers, you know, to know if Mister Smith always makes someone stay behind because he was a creep, or just an asshole, stuff like that.”

“Huh. Do you remember anything about that guy? Or how can I reach him?”

“Not really. I don’t know, after I started high school, I don’t think I remember seeing him at all. Who cares? Important thing is what he fount out. So, obviously, his parents weren’t performers. But get his: his father died in jail and his mother had outstanding warrants for her arrest. They weren’t even married. I mean. Not that I care. But I thought he would, seeing how he’s Catholic and all.”

“He is?”

“According to him, at least. Someone, before this all got out, offered him to join them on a picnic, I guess? Or a beach trip? Hang out, basically. On a Sunday. And Todd said he can’t because he has to go to a Mass. I never saw him praying before eating, or with a cross, though, so maybe that was another lie.”

“Okay, so you guys caught him on a lie, several times. But you all were pretty young. A lot of kids that age embellish truths. And all of this seems pretty harmless to me.”

“I’m not saying it isn’t. Just, he didn’t really need to do that, you know? It was always such weird things to lie about. Though, maybe if that was it, we would get along better. It wasn’t, though. And I’m not even saying anything about how annoying he was in class, his first year. Always raising hand, asking a teacher to repeat stuff, or explain again. If you’re struggling, that’s bad, I feel for you, but that doesn’t mean all other people’s education needs to suffer for it. But we couldn’t move on if there was anyone who didn’t get the new material. You know, there were other dumb kids in our class, but they somehow managed to keep their mouths shut and learn at their own schedule, not everyone else’s. Hm, what else. Oh, how he talked. It was very irritating. He had two settings, he’s either gibbering like a ghetto trash, or he’s talking right out of some purple prose eighties book. It’s like he never talked to real people and tried to emulate what he read, and couldn’t even do that right. He grew out of it eventually, too, I guess. Or I just stopped talking to him entirely, I don’t remember. But he didn’t stop being annoying. Or, annoying even isn’t the right word. He was… Okay, so Todd was one of those people who get a bump on their head and go crying for teacher, you know? Even if things weren’t about him, he would go blab about stuff going down. That’s why nobody ever invited him to parties. It was expected that he would call the cops or something on us. I think once, he actually did.”

“Even if no one invited him?”

“Maybe because of it. There was this girl, it was in high school, actually, so there’s this new girl, and she is invited to a party, and she brings him along. Not even an hour later, Robin shows up, and brings cops with him. One of the girls at the party drunk too much, fell asleep, her boyfriend asked the owner if he could bring her to the upper floor to just let her sleep it off, and he stayed with her. You know, to make sure nobody would creep around, or draw dicks on her face or anything. Of course he fell asleep in the same bed as her. So what if he took off some of her clothes, and his? Girls complain about sleeping in bra all the time, right?”

“Uh, right, but…”

“Yeah, and sleeping in jeans is just uncomfortable. So. Nothing happened there. Girl herself didn’t press charges or break up with her boyfriend after, so you tell me, does it sound like a rape victim to you? But Todd, first of all, he didn’t ask if he could go to the second floor, what business did he have snooping around? He probably was doing something weird, like smelling Greg’s sister underwear. Or his. Or maybe he wanted to trash the place or get Greg in trouble in some way, just because basically nobody except Rena was talking to him at the party. And get him in trouble he did! I don’t even know how can you call Robin, much less what you have to tell him to make him lose his shit. He beat up the girl’s boyfriend, you know? Totally mad. If cops didn’t show up when they did, who knows how it would have ended up. But show up cops did. And busted all of us. Except, you guessed it, Jason Todd. Because the bastard knew what’s coming, and left before that.”

“Do you remember the boyfriend’s name? Or the girl’s? No? How about the owner’s full name, Greg?..”

“Capullo. He’s actually going to the same college as me. I can get you his contact info, if you want.”

“That would be great. But, you know, I get why you and everyone else didn’t like Todd. But, still, it’s a huge difference between being…”

“A little bitch?”

“Yeah, that. And killing someone.”

“Is it? Look, you’re from Gotham too, right? You know how it is. All these freaks in thighs and masks, blowing airs about themselves… They’re just overcompensating. Two Face, know him? Not many people know this, but he was actually a normal man before. A lawyer, made money, had a wife or a girlfriend. And then he got half his face burned in acid attack and that’s that. He know is a mobster and kills everyone who looks at him wrong. Or Joker. I don’t even know what the guy’s deal this, but it’s obvious that he has some screws loose, and not in a schizo way, but desecrate your own face on livestream for views way. There’s something wrong with all of them, people don’t like them, but instead of changing, they get revenge. It’s sick, I think. I don’t even believe they are sick. City keeps throwing those people in Arkham just so they could escape and terrorize Gotham again, but they are not clinically insane, in my opinion. They just use it to get away with murder, literally. Did you know that mentally ill people actually far more likely to become a victim of a violent crime than be a perpetrator? Yeah, I’m a Psychology major, we learn this stuff, it’s wild. So, you know, when I heard that Todd was getting life without parole and will spend it in Blackgate, I was glad. I mean, I don’t even live in Gotham anymore and I never plan to go back, but still. I felt relieved. One costumed freak less.”

[spiltscribbles]

I Know That It’s True

Jason can be a bit neurotic, he knows this, has been told as much all his sixteen years by a preening Nadia. Jason has had his life planned out, step by step, since he was ten years old. Since the first time his father, his hero, had taken him to spend the day at his job at the prestigious law firm he headed in their small New England town.

He wants to be just like him, even when the layers of splendor begin to peal and the mythic father of his childhood transforms to the aloof, detached sounding man who sits there every morning for breakfast, with a paper in his hands, and takes them to Church every Sunday, a cigar poised in his pocket, ready to be lit for afterwards.

“He’s just so busy,” his mother tells him one afternoon before they leave to some dinner for some posh family friend he doesn’t have the slightest clue of, adjusting a stray strand of her ginger hair all the while. “Your father loves you and Nadia and Johnny, you know that darling.  He’s just so busy.”

Jason knows this, knows that his father is important and has a million and one responsibilities to complete every day. It’s why he forgives his father every time he doesn’t show, or doesn’t bother to ask about his hobbies or interests or anything about Jason. Forgiveness  is a harder virtue to master than the priest at church had lead on, but Jason thinks he’s getting the hang of it. 

.-

Jason never lightens up on his spreadsheets and timetables and five year plans, refuses to deviate from any of them. Nadia thinks he’s got a stick up his ass, and Lucas tries tempting him with a joint to stop being so rigid.

“You can’t plan everything out dude, like that’s not how life goes.”

Jason thinks that’s hogwash, tells Lucas as much with a scoff. 

Though, he inevitably admits the prick is right on the first day of the second semester of his Freshman year when Jason’s once singularly occupied room is invaded by an abrasively pretty boy with perfectly quaffed hair, and beautiful pale eyes and cupids bow lips that makes Jason’s stomach tie itself into knots.

He’s known for a while that he isn’t straight, that he’s never been attracted to a girl in that way ever in his life. Jason has admittedly stared after particularly nice asses of random guys on the street  and has gazed at photos of good looking men on magazine covers when he knew no one was watching. But this, this boy— Peter Simmonds. He was an entirely new creature. Tangible? Yes…. But that was just a fraction of it. Peter Simmonds, in as unassuming and blasé way as possible, had completely captivated Jason with nothing more than a nod of recognition, a glimmer to his gaze, like he didn’t know the effect he had on Jason. Like he didn’t have the wherewithal to infiltrate Jason’s world so nonchalantly and make him feel vivid sparks of life he hadn’t even known existed. Like he didn’t make it so Jason’s heart lurched with every exchanging of the words, or didn’t light his skin on fire by every accidental touch.

It’s probably why he was so prickly to him at the start, so afraid of what could happen if he just jumped head first into Peter’s lovely, pale eyes and wrapped himself within his charming little half grin and just let himself want.

That all came to a head the week after spring break when for the first time in his life Jason had tossed all his plans to the wind and planted one on a non suspecting, but eager Peter right before bed. 

Jason kisses Peter and it tastes like once upon a time had meant before Jason began to spot the cracks on the emerald road and saw through the carefully concealed tragedies. Jason kissed Peter and it felt like his entire body sung to life, like Peter embodied his every question and Jason could find the answers whispered between Peter’s lips.

.-

It’s the closing of their junior year, only about a week and a half left until everyone disperses and jet off to their European holidays or which ever prestigious program they’ve applied to get into. 

A few friends invite him to a get together at Zack’s dorm, but Jason just offers hollow promises of trying to make it. Instead of getting drunk with old friends he opts to bound upstairs to his room, stopping short of completely crossing the threshold, because God…. God he’s beautiful.

The dying afternoon light spills in through the window and dances golden in Peter’s sandy hair, touching the tops of his cheekbones and tracing his lips and making the green in his molten eyes flare to life.

It’s all quite cinematic and Jason is blown away by him all over again.

“Creep,” Peter admonishes absentmindedly, gaze never leaving the words of McBeth that he’s tracking.

“You wound me Simmonds,” Jason snorts, smile going dopey as he shuts the door behind him and snakes his arms around Peter’s deceptively strong  shoulders.

“You’re distracting me,” Peter tells him, begins to swat Jason’s hands away from where they were slipping into his henley.

“Call it payback from whenever you’d do as much to me,” Jason counters, playful lilt to his words before beginning to nip on Peter’s ear.

“You’re a wicked mastermind McConnell,” Peter snorts, finally begins to relax into Jason’s embrace. 

“Everyone’s at Zack’s getting shit faced,” Jason informs him, moves to begin peppering kisses across Peter’s jaw, bites down at the hinge that always makes it so Peter begins to writhe beneath him. 

“Is that right?” He leers, cards a hand in Jason’s dark hair and tugs. “Oh what shall we do all alone.”

“You’ve been at this all day Pete,” Jason says in a tone caught between a plea and rebuke. “Come to bed, take a break. I miss you.”

“You miss my body.” Peter sniffs, but Jason knows it’s a joke by the gleam to his eyes.

“You caught me, only in it for the washboard abs baby.”

“Ass face.”

“Come to bed, talk to me. It feels like we haven’t just caught up in days, you’ve been obsessing over this stupid play.”

“I’m the lead Jason, it’s important.” Peter says, starting to sound waspish.

“You know the material,” Jason contends, closes the book meaningfully.

“Jason my dad’s coming all the way from Texas,” Peter says, a feeling he can’t recognize splayed out all over his beautiful face. 

“So what?”

“SO I wanna make it worth his while,” this time Peter almost yells, swings his head back from where he was glaring at Jason, opens up the book and starts to recite another soliloquy. 

Jason pouts moodily at him, but he bites his tongue, understands that the relationship between a father and his son is a long and complicated affair, especially when it comes to Peter and his dad.

Jason has only met the man once, the latter half of last year when he came to tour their school and pick Peter up for the Grecian trip they were taking with the new step mom.

The resemblance was uncanny. He was only a fraction taller than Jason, sporting a prim suit and set jaw. He was broader in the shoulders than Peter, and had darker hair, but he had the same, pale eyes, and jutting cheekbones though his face lacked the soft touch to the lines of Peter’s own. Where his father was a classically  handsome kind of guy, Peter was sunlight personified, beautiful and golden and all the splendid things woven together shone in his gaze. A voice like the splendor at dawn, and sometimes he felt so fleeting that all Jason could do is hold on tight and pray. 

If Jason was honest, he didn’t very much like Peter’s dad, didn’t like how unsure Peter behaved around him, how rigid his stance became and how severe the frown lines in his face began to show, prominent and stressed. He knows the history there, that he left when Peter was only a kid, that he’s some high up  investment banker who only ever calls Peter on Sunday afternoons at one and on the allotted holidays. Knows that Peter is always trying to chase some relationship with him, how Peter sometimes wants to scream because he feels like they— both his parents— only know the surface level of him, that they refuse to look any deeper.

“You’re all I have some days,” Peter had whispered one late night only a few weeks ago. Jason had been to much of a coward to agree, but he feels the sentiment all the same.

So he doesn’t push it, he just sits there, waits for Peter to inevitably roll back his head, slowly stand up and slink into Jason’s lap, exchanging sugar cloaked kisses and well meaning promises and an acceptance Jason’s never known.

And when Peter’s dad doesn’t show the next week, Jason just gathers him into his arms like this, kisses away all the hurt and abandonment and despair he finds there. And when Peter— vulnerable and so very sad— asks Jason if he actually loves him or if it’s because they’re the only gay kids in the school, a gutted and terrified Jason grapples for his hands, squeezes tight.

“I love you, God put us both here because he knew that I was meant to love you,” Jason swipes away the wetness beginning to flood his eyes, pretends that he isn’t shaking like a total lune.

“Why? Why did you ask that? Is that how you feel Pete? Do you think that? That you’d never want me if there was someone else like us?”

“Shh, no of course not baby,” Peter reproves, pushes himself forwards so that his face is pressed into the hollow of Jason’s neck. “Of course not. I love you, so so much Jason. You’re the love of my life, my salvation.”

Jason wraps his arms tighter around him, squeezes Peter as close as possible, swallows down the fear and is determined not to be a coward, not about this. Not about Peter.

“You’re my soulmate Peter Simmonds. I know that in my heart. I know that it’s true.”

Peter kisses him right then and Jason thanks all the saints and angels above that his words ring so achingly true. 

[leelee10898]

Chikara: Kanashimi (1/?)

Ellie wheeler's senior year turned out to be one she would never forget. Now in college, leaving behind the life she grew to love, she did anything but thrive.

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Raiting: Mature. Series will contain, violence, death, sexual situations, and bad decisions.

Ellie quietly wandered the halls of Langston, head down, never noticed by anyone and she never spoke to anyone either.  It was just her and her thoughts, her roommate flaked out the first two weeks of fall semester. Not like she ever really talked to the girl. Her day consists of getting up, going to school, homework, dinner, shower, bed. Rinse, lather, repeat, Every day for 6 months.

She tried to keep her mind busy,  she never fully tuned it out. Behind all the math problems and research papers, he was always there like a cancerous tumor sucking the life out of her. she didn't hate it, it was quite the opposite really, she loved it, she needed it to get by the long days and lonely nights.

The night they finally took the brotherhood down, was one of the proudest moments she felt. They watched as Jason was hauled off in handcuffs, a tiny sliver of justice for Kaneko. She said goodbye to Toby, Ximena, even Mona, she knew they would move on from the crew. When Logan said goodbye it stung, she cared a great deal for him. He was the first guy she had ever kissed, or even had feelings for but, he wasn't Colt. From the moment they met, he drove her crazy, he annoyed her to no end and he was a complete jerk but she was drawn to him like a moth to a flame.

She had just finished submitting her final paper to her English teacher when she ran to her dorm room, grabbed her bags and headed to the airport. When she left for the summer program at Langston she told her dad she would see him at thanksgiving. She reluctantly left her car behind, a deal her father and her came to for breaks such as Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring break, In the summer she would drive home. It was finally Thanksgiving and she couldn't wait.  she pressed the imaginary gas pedal on the airplane floor, secretly hoping it would get her there faster.

The sound of a screaming child filled the cabin, Ellie popped her earbuds in, attempting to drown out the noise. Just a little bit longer,  almost there she kept telling herself. Once they landed, she grabbed her luggage and looked for her dad. She seen him standing in the pick up area holding one of those makeshift signs that read Wheeler. "Dad, you're such a dork." She flung her arms around him. "Yeah, the coolest dork you'll ever meet." He retorted.

They got in the car and made the drive to the house, sure she couldn't wait to be home.  She was looking forward to seeing Riya and Darius, having Thanksgiving dinner at her grandparents, but she had more pressing matters to attend to. They pulled into the driveway and Ellie ran into the house,  flinging her luggage on the bed. She had to play it carefully, not to tip her dad off as to her plans. She came down stairs and like clockwork her dad asked if she was hungry. "Sure thing dad." She smirked, knowing after he ate he would want to take a nap.

"So. Any plans with Riya? She's home from Hartfeld this week." Dad asked as he put the dishes in the sink.  "Yeah we actually made some plans to catch up. Speaking of, can I use your car to see if shes home?" Her dad reached in his pocket handing her the keys "Just be careful, I'm going to take a nap."

Ellie ran up to her room, she flung open her suitcase and changed out of her leggings and baggy t shirt into a pair of jeans and a crop top.

She ran to the car, turning the key as the engine roared to life. It wasn't her car, but it would do.

She made the drive into the city, stopping at where the sideshow was, but nothing was there. She pulled down another street and parked in front of the familiar building. Not much had been done with the burned out shell of its former self, it looked as if time stood still. It was boarded up in attempts to keep people out, she walked around the building until she found a loose board and slipped in. The inside was hardly touched, some sorting had been done, she knew Colt had come back the day he gave her the cactus. There wasn't much left of the place, some debris strewn about, some shells of cars that once sat in the bay. It was clear nobody had been here, and the realization that nobody was coming back began to set it.

She thought she needed to come here, that maybe she would find something other then the burnt remains of the place that changed her, or someone.  The tears began to sting her eyes, so many memories in such a short time. Ever since they parted ways, she felt like a part of her was missing. There was a gaping hole in her heart that ached, she grasped her chest as ler legs failed her. For 6 months she kept her phone glued to her, in hopes someone would just reach out, for 6 months she prayed that someone would come for her, that she wasn't alone, and she meant something to them.

She sat alone on the floor of Kaneko's garage in a heap of ash and soot, crying her eyes out.  They were gone, you're just a tourist ringing in her head.  She was in fact alone, they weren't  coming back for her and it was time to try and move on.

She made her way back home, covered head to toe in the black substance that stained the floors of the garage, much like the stains on her heart. After a long cry in the hot shower, Ellie pulled open her closet door and started to hang her clothes inside when she spotted something tucked away behind her prom dress. She couldn't imagine what it might be, it was larger than any of her clothes. Gripping the petal pink fabric she pulled the dress forward,  giving easier access to the mystery item. Her fingers began to tremble, her nerves on edge as she ripped the clothing hanging in front of it off the hangers and tossed them to the floor reaching her goal item.

Ellie staggered backwards, item in hand.  the backs of her knees hitting the mattress causing her to sit. She stared blankly at the jacket in front of her, Colts leather jacket. How did it get there? She didn't think it was there when she packed for Langston, but could she have missed it?

She held the soft leather to her face, the scent of his cologne putting her immediately at ease. This was all she had left of him, that and the few photos and texts she had saved in her phone. Ellie slipped the jacket on, it was over sized but she didn't care. She placed her hands in the pockets pulling it flush to her body as if it were his arms wrapped around her.  Her fingers brushed against something and she pulled it from the pocket.

She stared down at the folded piece of paper, she recognized the stationary, it was one from her desk. Unfolding it slowly, tears began to well on her eyes in anticipation. His penmanship was far better then she anticipated but she knew better then to expect to unexpected when it came to Colt Kaneko.

Ellie,

If you are reading this that means you have found my jacket in your closet. I am risking everything coming here and sneaking in.   I just needed you to have it, to have something of me with you in this cold, unforgiving world.

Im not good with words, and feelings so im going to try my best. I love you Ellie Wheeler, I probably have since the moment I laid eyes on you at the side show, only I couldn't admit it to myself then.

I know you think that I don't care but leaving you, was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I meant what I said, we will see each other again.   

I watched you give your speech at graduation,  It took everything I had in me not to run out there and kiss you. I am so proud of you valedictorian. And just a little while ago when you drove away for College, I just had to see you if only at a distance. Keeping you safe will always be my priority,  and with the fbi breathing down my back, letting you go was the only way.

Live your life to the fullest Elle, don't cry for me im not worth your tears. Have fun in college, make friends, fall in love. You are amazing and you deserve to be happy. I hope that when our paths do cross again, you accomplished everything you set out to. I think your dad may be home so I have to run. Remember I will always Love you Ellie, even if I can't be with you.

Love, Colt.

She closed the letter, tears streaming down her face as she laid down on her bed. He was at her graduation, and when she left for Langston. She was hurting but she knew she had to move on, and now with his jacket she had a piece of him with her.

Two weeks went by in the blink of an eye, before she knew it she was back at Langston.  She drug her luggage down the long hall to her dorm room, she reached for her key, opening her door she walked into a different room then when she left. The opposite side of the room, once empty was decorated in pink, pink as far as the eye could see. Ellie flung her bags onto the bed, collapsing next to them when the sound of the door opening startled her. She sat up, eyes wide staring at the person in front of her. "Hey roomie!"

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[my-one-love-is-music]

Summary: Jason and Tim hated each other. Their friends new this. But when they end up in the same history class, their differences have to be put aside when they're assigned seats next to each other and their teacher has strict requirements for partner discussion and a group project. But there's something else that worries Tim about being partnered with Jason. Their history teacher is notorious for pairing up people she thinks will end up getting married one day. But surely, she can't know that...right?

A/N: I am so happy to finally get to share this fic! This was part of my 2018 Nanowrimo project and the second of three fics I wrote. I loved the concept and I'm starting to wonder if I've run out of useful high school aus because they all seem to be enemies to friends to lovers nowadays and I'm sure y'all are getting bored with that....But I was also so happy to do a collab for this project and one of my good friends drew the cover art for this. Sadly, he no longer has a tumblr I can direct you to to give him the love and support he deserves but I will definitely pass on all the praise that he deserves because the cover art is amazing and I am in love with it. 

Also on AO3!

Tim sneered as he turned the corner and spotted Jason leaning against the locker next to Kori, his arm pressed against the metal row of lockers and giving everyone a look at his lean torso encased in a tight tee.

“Don’t look like you’re going to die just from being in the same space as him,” Steph muttered, catching the look he was giving him.

“He’s annoying. And full of himself. He doesn’t even care about school, so I don’t know why he’s here. He skips class all the time,” Tim muttered.

Steph raised an eyebrow. “And you’re one to talk? Tim you’ve skipped class to sleep in the back of the library before. You have no idea where he goes.”

“I’ve caught him behind the school during fifth period. I bet he smokes.”

“Have you ever smelled cigarette smoke on him? Or better yet, seen him with a lit cigarette in his hand?” Steph huffed.

“Well, no, but-“

“But nothing. Don’t make people into villains when you have no idea what they’re doing. He could have a study hall fifth period. You’re the one who was cutting class when you saw him back there.”

“Since when are you on his side?” Tim scoffed as they turned the corner and Jason was finally out of sight again.

“I’m just saying that you’ve judged him a while and maybe you should try and get to know him before you hold a grudge for life against him.”

Tim rolled his eyes as he pushed into his afternoon class. “It’s not like I’m going to see him after high school anyway so what difference does it make?”

“You never know,” Steph grumbled, making a beeline for the space next to the teacher’s desk that had a small chair tucked away. The one positive of them being in the same class Steph was TA-ing in was that they got to see each other. The drawback was that Tim would have to do actual work while she got to fuck around.

“Not so fast,” Ms. Edwards said as Tim approached the last aisle. “What’s your name?”

Tim checked a groan. This was going to be one of those teachers. “Tim Drake,” he muttered.

She nodded and checked something off on the paper in front of her. “You’re going to be in that row. Fourth seat back.”

Tim changed course and made for his seat. He was in the third row and even though he didn’t get the back corner like he wanted, he was relieved he wasn’t in the front. He just hoped this teacher wouldn’t keep assigned seats for the rest of the year.

He made a face at Steph who just smirked back and crossed her arms. He heard the door open but didn’t bother looking up to see who it was.

“Name?” Ms. Edwards asked.

“Jason Todd.”

Tim’s head whipped around so fast it made a horrible cracking noise. He winced and rubbed the side of his neck. He stared at Jason where he was waiting for his seat assignment.

“You’ll be in the fourth row, fourth seat back,” she said, pointing at the seat next to Tim.

Tim’s stomach dropped to his toes. He swallowed, thinking he might be sick. Because Jason was going to be sitting in the seat next to him and he just realized which teacher he had. Ms. Edwards was notorious for sitting students next to each other who she thought would get married one day.

He could only hope that she didn’t do that until later in the class and her first seating arrangements had no bearing on her romantic ideas.

Jason turned to find his seat and froze when he saw Tim. His lips turned down in a scowl and he grumbled something under his breath as he tightened his grip on his backpack strap and made his way down the aisle.

Tim crossed his arms and looked away. He was going to ignore Jason for the entire class. He’d ignore him for the entire year if he had to. He caught sight of Steph who was grinning at him like an idiot, glee filling her gaze.

Tim glared daggers back. He knew it was impossible, but this was exactly the kind of meddling she would take part in. Especially since she was saying all that weird stuff about him and Jason earlier.

Several more students filtered in before the bell rang and Ms. Edwards directed them all to their new seats.

“Good afternoon everyone,” Ms. Edwards started, stepping into the center of the room. “I’m your history teacher for the year. I’ll pass out the syllabus to all of you shortly and something I want to make all of you aware of before we get started is that there’s going to be a lot of discussion this year. Every day I’ll have a question or two on the board for you to complete with the person sitting next to you. This person will also be your partner for the project you’ll complete this semester and the paper you’ll write together next semester. If you fail to hold proper discussion during class time, it will negatively affect your grade.”

Tim paled as Ms. Edwards looked around the room. She picked up a stack of papers and handed them to the first person in each row. He took his packet numbly and passed the last two behind him. He didn’t even see what was in front of him. He was going to be stuck sitting next to Jason for the whole year and he’d be expected to talk to him every day and complete a project.

This was going to be the worst.

Tim tangled a hand in his hair and willed the minutes to tick by faster so he could run out of the room and never look back. If he was lucky, he could get switched to another class. If he wasn’t lucky, maybe he could skip every class and hide in the library, doing all his homework and the project alone to make up for it.

He risked a glance at Jason and found he didn’t look much happier about the arrangement, his lips pulled into a thin line as he frowned down at the paper in front of him, hands curled into fists on the top of his desk.

Tim chucked his textbook into his bag after they were passed out, and barely listened to whatever else Ms. Edwards had to say.

Once the bell rang, he bolted from the classroom utterly relieved and not caring that Steph had to sprint to catch up with him when he turned the corner for his next class.

~~

“This is so unfair,” Tim swore as he shoved a handful of fries into his mouth.

“Maybe this is fate telling you to give Jason a chance. Maybe you could actually be friends instead of hating each other’s guts all the time,” Steph said, waving her hand around innocently enough.

Tim narrowed his eyes. “That’s bullshit. What did you do? Did you somehow tell our teacher to sit us next to each other?”

“I did nothing,” she sniffed. “I’m insulted you would think otherwise. And when would I have gotten the chance to tell her? Today was our first class.”

“I know your meddling when I see it, Steph. Don’t try and tell me this wasn’t your plan. If you had nothing to do with it why were you telling me to stop judging Jason?”

Steph shrugged and stole one of his fries, dipping it into her chocolate shake. “I just thought it was time you moved on. My tolerance of your complaining about him has reached a new low and I’m tired of it. There are thousands of better ways you could spend your time than by ridiculing someone who really hasn’t done anything to you other than indulge your petty arguments.”

Tim growled and stared at his fries, willing them to burst into flames for no other reason than the satisfaction that came with destroying something.

“Look,” she sighed. “Just give him a chance. If you don’t talk to him, you’re going to fail the class and we both know Jason probably isn’t going to let you negatively affect his grade.”

“What are you talking about? He doesn’t even care about school!” Tim asked, nearly catching the edge of his basket of fries while waving his hands around wildly. He needed to make Steph understand how crazy everything she was saying sounded.

None of it was making any sense and he was ready to bury himself under the covers and pray it just went away.

Steph huffed and shook her head. She didn’t say anything else but did steal two more of his fries even as he glared at her. He nearly shoved the rest of the basket in her direction, but instead took one of his fries and swiped it through her shake as she squawked and tried to bat his hand away.

He shoved the offending fry into his mouth and grinned as he chewed, feeling a little better about the whole Jason situation.

~~

Tim sneered at Jason when he sat down next to him and Jason gave him the same look. Tim crossed his arms and sank down in his desk chair, staring at the head of the person in front of him. He was going to ignore everything. He was going to ignore Jason. And he was going to ignore this class.

The bell rang over their heads and Ms. Edwards took her spot behind the podium.

“Your prompts for today are on the board. Discuss those and the short reading from last night while I take attendance. Once you’re all finished, we’ll begin our class by opening the floor up to any interesting insights you may have discussed.”

Tim saw Jason shift out of the corner of his eye, but he defiantly kept his gaze away from him. Jason huffed but didn’t say anything.

Someone cleared their throat in front of them and Tim looked up, his heart stuttering when he saw Ms. Edwards standing in front of them with her arms crossed.

“Is there a reason why the two of you haven’t begun to discuss last night’s reading?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “Everyone else has already started and yet you two continue to sit here in silence. I believe I made myself clear yesterday that there were no exceptions to partner discussion.”

Tim let out a breath and leaned forward. “I can’t work with him,” he said, jabbing a finger in Jason’s direction.

Jason huffed. “Yeah because you make working with you so easy in the first place.”

Ms. Edwards held up a hand. “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care if the two of you don’t get along or tear each other’s throats out in the hallway our outside of school. When you’re in my class, you’re going to do the assignment I’ve left for you. If you refuse, I’ll have you both booted from class before you can even blink.”

“But I need this class to graduate!” Jason cried, leaning forward in his seat.

“Then I suggest the two of you get past whatever issue you have with each other and get to work. I won’t give you another warning. This is your last chance.” She turned on her heel and walked back to her desk.

Tim caught sight of Steph who was hiding her laugh behind her math homework. He glared at her but she ignored him, trying not to disturb the rest of the class even as Ms. Edwards shot her amused looks.

Jason sighed next to him and Tim braced himself for what was coming. He turned in his seat and faced him.

“Look,” he started, voice tight with dread. “I know we basically hate each other but I can’t not be in this class and get the credits I need to graduate. So, can we just…I don’t know, do the minimum amount of discussion to get Ms. Edwards off our backs?”

Tim dragged his gaze away from where he was glaring at Steph and met Jason’s eyes. His shoulders were tense, and he looked ready to bolt and Tim couldn’t blame him when he felt the same way.

“Aren’t you forgetting about the semester project that will require us to work together outside of class?” he quipped, raising an eyebrow.

“We can meet once in the library and divide up the work. The rest we can handle over email and don’t even have to be with each other while we work. Sound doable?” Jason asked.

Tim scrutinized him for a moment. The whole situation wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t impossible to deal with. Tim just hoped the rest of the year went by quickly so he could get as far away from Jason as possible and go off to college where he’d be able to live his own life.

“Fine. Works for me,” Tim agreed.

Jason let out a breath and relaxed back in his seat. He turned to the whiteboard and scanned the questions Ms. Edwards left for them. He made a face and Tim snickered.

“Are the questions not to your liking?”

Jason made a pained noise in the back of his throat but didn’t look away from the board. “They’re just so simple. The textbook was pretty clear about the first kinds of recorded history and how that’s changed over the years as language evolved. I don’t know why we need to outline that.”

Tim shrugged. “Maybe to make things easy since it’s the beginning of the year?” he asked.

Jason scoffed. “Life doesn’t just take breaks and history is important. We should be diving in and trying to understand as much as possible, not easing ourselves into things for the sake of avoiding difficulty and conflict. Human history is full of that.”

“Do you just, read history books for fun every night before bed? Are you one of those History Channel documentary guys?”

Jason shrugged. “Not really. I look up what I can but I’m more of an English guy than a history one.”

“Then why do you care so much about this class?”

Jason raised an eyebrow and leveled him with an unimpressed look. “Are you serious right now?”

Tim shrugged and nodded, glancing at the other people around him who were still deep in conversation. Ms. Edwards’ gaze roved over the room, not settling on any one pair too long as she smiled gently.

“We all need a history class to graduate and this was one of the most advanced our school offers. If I want to possibly get some scholarships for college, I need to ace this class. If I get kicked out of this class or fail it’ll show up on my transcript,” he huffed.

Tim swallowed, feeling nausea curl in his stomach. “Oh,” he mumbled.

Jason sneered. “I know rich kids like you don’t have anything to worry about when it comes to paying for college or any other expenses in life, but some of us actually have to work for it.”

Tim shifted in his seat, his discomfort growing. “Look,” he sighed. “I’m sorry okay. I didn’t mean it like that. I just didn’t realize.”

“Of course you didn’t. People like you never do,” Jason growled.

“Alright everyone, bring your attention back to the front,” Ms. Edwards said, straightening behind the podium and oblivious to what had just transpired between Jason and Tim.

Tim pressed his lips together and turned in his seat, facing forward once again. He didn’t know what he would’ve said if given the chance, but he felt like he needed to say something to Jason. Or maybe prove that not all rich people were like that. But he didn’t have much of an argument when he really had things so easy and spent his time judging Jason when he didn’t know the first thing about him or what he was going through.

He pulled out his notebook and slapped it onto his desk. He flipped it open to a clean page and marked it with the date. Every reason he had for hating Jason’s guts or avoiding working with him faded away in the face of Jason’s reality. He had no choice but to make sure they both aced this class for the year and he was damn well determined to make it happen no matter what it took or how much time he’d have to spend with Jason.

~~

Tim turned the corner and froze when he saw Jason and Roy walking towards him. Jason glanced at him but didn’t make any other move to address his presence, continuing on past him.

Tim tightened his grip on the straps of his backpack and ducked his head. He didn’t know what he was expecting but maybe having a common goal in history class was enough to diffuse any other interaction between them.

Although now that he was thinking about it, he was almost certain every interaction they’d had in the past was started on his part. He couldn’t deny that he was the most hostile of the two and he wondered if they would’ve fought so much if he let Jason go on his way and kept to himself.

He still felt guilty over the day before and thought he needed to make it up to Jason somehow but any form of apology he could think of felt empty or meaningless when it came to Jason.

Tim sighed and hurried through the hall to his next class. He’d have to keep thinking, but he was sure the only thing he could do at this point was put all of his efforts into history even if it was at the expense of his other classes.

~~

Tim nodded at Jason when he sat down next to him in history class. Jason nodded back and they didn’t say anything as they waited for the bell to ring. The other people around them chatted with their partners, ignoring the prompts on the board for the moment, but enjoying the bonds they were already starting to form.

Tim doubted he and Jason would ever reach that kind of familiarity with each other before the end of the year. He frowned when he realized there was a slight ache in his chest at the thought of missing out on that kind of understanding.

He sucked in a quiet breath when the bell rang and straightened, readying himself like he was going to war. He turned to face Jason who was already watching him.

“You want to start or me?” Tim asked, gesturing at the board.

Jason cocked his head to the side and sneered at the board. “These questions are still more annoying than anything else. It’s like reading quiz level of difficulty.”

Tim couldn’t help himself when he chuckled. “Then what do you want to talk about?” Tim asked, propping his fist against his cheek.

Jason blinked at him, seemingly surprised for a moment. He shrugged and Tim watched a light blush flood his cheeks.

He huffed. “I guess my main problem with the civilizations of the past is not caring about their records. Like, they could’ve made so much amazing art or music or writing. Hell, even public records would’ve been great to have centuries later so we could have a better understanding of what people did, but they just didn’t care and either let it get destroyed or didn’t bother to store it.”

“Can you really tell me that you save your daily schedule in the hopes that it’ll one day be an important historical document?” Tim asked.

Jason scoffed. “Please, like anyone would find anything important in my daily schedule.”

Tim smirked. “And you just answered your own question. Those people back then probably didn’t think anyone would see the worth in the records they were keeping. Or they didn’t have the capacity to even imagine anyone living a hundred years in the future, let alone a year, when they didn’t have much of a concept of time. They probably didn’t think anything would still exist after their lives ended.”

Jason grumbled something under his breath. “Okay, fine I guess you’re right. I still don’t like it though.”

Tim chuckled. “You’re not meant to like it. A lot of historians don’t like it because we have no idea what life was like back then but that’s just the state of things. At least now we have the internet that can keep a digital record of human life.”

“As long as an apocalypse doesn’t happen that totally wipes out the internet and all digital records,” Jason shot back.

“If an apocalypse is happening, libraries and museums won’t last much longer than the technology blackout. They’ll get burned or destroyed, by humans or natural disasters. Whichever category the apocalypse ends up falling into anyway,” Tim said.

Jason narrowed his eyes. “You seem to have a put a lot of thought into this.”

Tim wrinkled his nose and shook his head. “Not really. It’s just kind of common sense when you think about.”

Jason narrowed his eyes and leaned forward. “How so?”

Tim matched his posture and grinned, bracing his elbows on his knees. “Okay, so…when you’re considering the future of the human race, as far as an apocalypse goes, you have two options. It’s going to be caused by humans or it’s going to be a natural disaster.”

“What about aliens?” Jason interrupted.

Tim waved his hands. “We’ll only take that into account once we find proof of alien life.”

“But there’s plenty of potential on moons and planets which already exist in the universe. Scientists have found conditions similar to Earth’s where life could’ve developed.”

“That’s true, but we don’t know if there’s life there or not. Now stop interrupting so I can explain this to you,” Tim huffed. “The human causes are most likely going to be nuclear, unless society just somehow regresses and we basically abandon organized civilization, which I don’t exactly see happening, but who knows, we could end up driving ourselves into extinction since we can be so stupid sometimes.”

Jason breathed a laugh and Tim swallowed, having to take a moment because he never would’ve imagined Jason laughing when they were together, let alone being the reason Jason laughed.

“Okay,” Tim continued, voice a little unsteady. “The other option is natural disaster which takes out all forms of electricity and destroys major cities, killing large population centers and crippling government and organization.”

Jason nodded. “Okay I’m with you so far, go on…”

Tim grinned. “If the nuclear option happens, that’ll short-circuit all technology so the world will go dark. Some systems might still stay online but if you don’t have the workers to keep things going, those won’t last long, and last time I checked, every person in the world didn’t have the skills to maintain advanced technology systems or power plants. If the natural disaster occurs, again, you won’t have the workers to keep those systems online and all digital footprints will probably get wiped if there’s no one to get them back online and if none of those files are backed up, they’re going to be lost. Not to mention that buildings and businesses in the major natural disaster centers are most likely the most advanced so the hardest hit to cultural records is going to come from big cities located near the coast.”

Tim grinned as he sat back. He could see Jason turning over all the information in his head. He crossed his arms and nodded.

“Okay,” he conceded. “But that doesn’t mean there won’t be enough for future historians to piece together the past and understand what life was like before all that happened.”

Tim shrugged. “That’s assuming this whole cycle hasn’t been repeating itself and past civilizations did have those records, but the destruction was too great that practically nothing survived.”

Jason narrowed his eyes. “Has anyone ever told you that your brain is a terrifying place?” he asked.

Tim chuckled. “More than you know.”

“Okay, everyone let’s come back together,” Ms. Edwards said, catching their attention.

Tim’s smile slipped from his face. He swallowed and turned to face the front of the room, belatedly realizing that he’d actually enjoyed his conversation with Jason. As off-topic as it was.

~~

Tim glanced at Jason as they passed in the hallway after lunch.

“Well that’s interesting,” Steph said beside him, voice taking on a conspiratorial edge.

“What is?” he asked, barely paying her any mind, his thoughts already on his history class that afternoon.

“You walked within two feet of Jason and didn’t tear each other’s throats out.”

Tim rolled his eyes but kept his gaze on the hall ahead of them. “Don’t act so surprised. We have to get along for class. It’s not worth it to fight in the hall.”

“Yeah, but you don’t have history for another period and there’s no teacher around to make sure you act civil around each other right now. And last time I checked, you didn’t give much of a shit about getting to class when you were around Jason.”

“Just shut up,” Tim grumbled, stuffing his hands in his jeans’ pockets.

Steph snickered next to him. “You want to know what I think?”

“No, not really.”

“Okay rude,” she huffed. “And I’m going to tell you anyway since you’re not being nice to me. I think that you actually like talking to Jason and you’ve realized that he’s really not a bad guy.

“And you know what I think?” Tim shot back. “I think you’re crazy for thinking that. We might be getting along now, but I can guarantee that once we get the grade for this class and pass with flying colors, we’re going to go back to hating each other’s guts. It’s not going to change anything, as much as you’re going to insist otherwise.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Steph said, finally catching his attention. He glanced at her and found her smirking at him. “You seemed pretty happy to talk to him about your theories on parallel universes the other day. I think you even smiled. And he seemed more than invested in what you were saying for someone who’s just acting as your project partner.”

“Don’t get so excited, it doesn’t mean anything,” Tim grumbled, ignoring the little stab in his chest at the thought. He wasn’t going to spend time thinking about what that meant. He couldn’t be getting attached. Not to someone who hated his guts and didn’t give a shit about him if it didn’t benefit him in some way.

~~

Tim glanced up at Ms. Edwards when he snatched the folded sheet of paper back from Jason’s fingers. They’d gotten into a heated discussion at the beginning of class and neither of them had been able to leave the topic alone, so they resorted to passing notes in class while their teacher lectured with the most elaborate Powerpoint Tim had ever seen.

He unfolded the paper, jotting down a couple notes in his notebook before he scanned Jason’s words.

You can’t seriously think that people in the past didn’t find remnants from other civilizations. Or even dinosaur bones. I’m sure more than enough fossils have been lost because of poor care or ignorance.

Tim huffed and grabbed his pen, hunching over his chair to scribble out his response.

Maybe so but if that was always the case then what made people curious enough to keep the first fossils we still have? Maybe they were seen as a kind of trophy or sign of status. Maybe dinosaur bones caused wars or feuds to break out because people were desperate to claim them.

He folded up the paper and slid it off the desk, passing it back to Jason.

“Boys?” Ms. Edwards asked, clearing her throat.

They both jumped and looked up, finding Ms. Edwards standing at the entrance to the aisle between their rows, her eyes on the square of paper held between their hands.

“I’m sure whatever conversation you’re having is incredibly interesting, but I am trying to teach a history lesson. So please put that away. You can continue your conversation after class and if I see it again, I will confiscate it.”

Tim let go of the edge of the paper like he’d been burned and slid down in his chair. “Sorry,” he mumbled, picking up his pen to focus his attention on his scrawled notes.

Jason shoved the note into his backpack and sat forward, tangling his fingers in his hair as he picked up his pen to take more notes.

Ms. Edwards nodded and returned to her podium, to the muffled snickers of the rest of the students. She cleared her throat, silencing the class and moving to the next slide in her lecture.

Tim diligently took down the notes and main points she’d prepared for them and hoped his blush went away a lot faster than the lingering heat in his face suggested it did.

~~

Jason unfolded the sheet of paper as soon as he was in the hallway and free of Ms. Edwards scrutiny. He was embarrassed over being caught passing notes in class, but he couldn’t help it if his conversations with Tim were interesting and kept him as occupied as their class lecture did.

He could handle both of those things and knew it wouldn’t cause him to fall behind even if it didn’t look good to the teacher. As long as she didn’t kick him out of class that’s all that mattered.

He scanned Tim’s response and rolled his eyes. As much as Tim was interested in sci-fi and had opinions about alien life and surviving any form of the apocalypse, he still had an astounding lack of creativity or understanding of human curiosity.

“Why do you have such a specific expression of exasperated amusement on your face?”

Jason glanced up and found Roy standing in front of him, eyeing the paper in his hands. He folded it up and shoved it into his pocket.

“Nothing,” he answered, pushing past him to walk down the hall to his last class of the day.

Roy grinned and hurried to keep up with him. “This doesn’t have anything to do with your lovely little partner in history class does it?”

Jason flushed but tried to glare at Roy to keep him from touching that topic.

“Oh it does!” he said, sounding more delighted than Jason thought he had any right to. “I’ve gotta say, I wasn’t expecting this kind of drama to happen during our senior year, but I am so excited that it did. You’re like a real-life soap opera. I need to start carrying popcorn with me.”

“Just shut up,” Jason grumbled. “This has nothing to do with you.”

“Whatever you say,” Roy teased.

Jason rolled his eyes and tried to hurry to his last class in an effort to ignore whatever scrutiny Roy would give him over what was going on between him and Tim, not that it was any of his business. But Roy had a habit of sticking his nose into things where it didn’t belong.

~~

“Okay, now that you’ve had time to get to know each other and jump into the early dredges of history we’ve covered since the beginning of the year, it’s time to start picking out your topics for you history project,” Ms. Edwards said as Tim turned to pick up his conversation with Jason where they’d left off the day before.

Tim sagged back in his chair, wishing their teacher couldn’t have waited until after they got their usual conversation time to introduce their project.

“As I’m sure will disappoint many of you, you’re not going to have complete freedom over what you research, but I do have a list of time periods and topics you’re all going to choose from. I’ll go around and each pair will draw a number from a hat. We’ll go in order of the numbers to choose which topic you’d like.”

Ms. Edwards crossed the room, handing a stack of papers to the first person in each row.

“These papers have a list of the requirements for the project and the list of topics is on the back. I’ll give you about five or ten minutes to go over all of this and discuss things with your partner before we draw numbers. If you find you really don’t like anything on this list, I am willing to assess any proposals you might have, and we can work something out so everyone’s happy. Okay? Okay.”

Tim scanned the page in front of him, reading through the requirements for source material and what would be needed for their presentation. They’d have to put together enough information for a six-minute presentation with a Powerpoint but he was happy they could use a video aid as long as it wasn’t longer than a minute.

Tim flipped over his page and looked down the list of topics. He glanced up at Jason who was staring at the list too.

“Thoughts?” Tim asked with a sigh.

Jason glanced up at him and shrugged. “There’s some interesting topics. Nothing I’m overly excited about but we could do something about the Romans or the Vikings.”

Tim nodded. “The Vikings might be pretty interesting actually. And since we can use videos in our presentation, we can use that to give some background information before diving into something specific about them.”

Jason smiled. “Yeah that would be great actually. We could probably find something in a History Channel documentary. Or even a short Youtube video.”

Tim snickered. “Of course you would go for the History Channel. I knew I was right in tagging you as a documentary guy.”

Jason rolled his eyes. “So, we’re agreed on Vikings for our first choice.”

Tim nodded.

“We should probably have one or two more back-up topics.”

Tim sighed. “Romans could be one. I don’t know, what else would you be interested in?”

“Ancient China?” Jason suggested. “Maybe the silk road.”

Tim nodded. “Yeah okay. There’s probably a lot of information about that too and at least we can use a mixture of documentaries and books.”

Jason smiled and blinked when a basket appeared between them. He glanced up at Ms. Edwards who had an eyebrow raised at him.

“Oh, right,” he mumbled and reached into the hat. He snatched a small piece of folded paper and pulled it out, letting Ms. Edwards step past them to the next pair.

“Well?” Tim asked. “What’s the damage?”

“The moment of truth I guess,” Jason mumbled. He opened the slip of paper and winced.

“Tell me we’re not last?” Tim begged.

“We’re not last,” Jason admitted. “Our number is thirteen.”

“So third to last,” he grumbled.

Jason nodded.

Tim bit his lip and slumped against the back of his chair. He wasn’t going to expect anything. He knew they probably wouldn’t get their first choice of topics and maybe not even their second choice. He just hoped they got something they wanted.

“Okay everyone,” Ms. Edwards said, stepping behind her podium again. “Are we all ready to start picking topics?”

Tim glanced around the room and saw groups giving each other death glares as they began the fight and hopefully won the favor of the draw to get their desired topics.

Tim bit his lip and crossed his arms when the first number was called. The group took one of the most popular topics and he heard several groups groan and start frantically whispering about their other choices. What was picked first wasn’t one they were looking for, offering a little bit of a relief their choice hadn’t been taken yet. But as was always the case when it came to picking topics in class, there were still a lot of groups to go.

The whole process was agonizing, and it felt like ages between one group and the next as they picked what they wanted. Their second choice was snatched up after the first six groups had gotten their assignments and Tim was amazed that their third choice was taken before their first pick.

Tim glanced at Jason who looked just as shocked as him.

“Okay,” Ms. Edwards said. “Number thirteen. Who has number thirteen?”

“We do,” Jason said, raising the piece of paper in his hand.

Ms. Edwards smiled and raised an eyebrow, waiting for them to voice their topic.

“We’re going with the Vikings.”

She nodded and marked something down on her sheet before turning to the next group. Tim let out a breath and sagged in his chair. He scrubbed a hand over his face and shared a look with Jason.

“I can’t believe we managed to get our first choice.”

Jason nodded. “I don’t think that ever happens for people so far down the list like us,” he agreed. “We should get to work on this as soon as possible. The sooner we get it done, the sooner we don’t have to worry about it anymore.”

Jason nodded. “Do you want to meet in the library after school and we can divide the work up?”

Tim nodded. “Yeah. We can find some sources and outline what we want to cover.”

“Quiet down,” Ms. Edwards said, bringing their conversations to a close. “I know you’re all excited to get working on your projects, but I still have today’s lesson to get through. Later next week we’re going to be picking presentation days. You’ll find the range on your assignment sheets so start thinking about what dates would work best for you. And if you really are that excited to get started on your project, you’re more than welcome to get started in the library after school.”

~~

Tim buried his face in his arms after he dropped into a chair at the table Jason had already snagged in the library.

“You okay?” Jason asked.

Tim huffed and nodded. “Just exhausted. You know, the usual I guess.”

Jason chuckled. “Well it’s almost the weekend. Only a few more days to get through.”

“Yeah but now we have this project to work on.”

“But that doesn’t mean you can’t sleep in,” Jason argued.

“Fair enough,” Tim grumbled and finally sat up in his chair, rubbing his fists against his eyes. “Any idea of where we can start with this?”

“Well it’s a history project,” Jason drawled. “So, we can start by outlining which parts of the history of the Vikings we want to cover. Their origins would be a good place to start and their general practices.”

Tim nodded. “I can find a documentary to reference over the weekend. And I’ll look for some reference books, too.”

“Do you want to focus on their everyday lives?” Jason asked, pulling out his notebook.

Tim nodded. “Yeah, I can do that. Aren’t they famous for their raids?”

Jason paused. “I think so? I’ll make a note of it and we can figure it out later. We should probably meet a couple times to put everything together.”

“Does this weekend work for you? I know I was just complaining about sleeping but at least we can order pizza and chill while doing work.”

“Yeah sure,” Jason said, eyebrows raising in obvious surprise. “Does Saturday work?”

“Yeah. Here,” he said, pulling out one of his sticky notes. “Let me give you my phone number and we can text each other a good time.” He shoved the piece of paper with his scrawled number across the table.

Jason took it and pulled out his phone, putting in the digits before he shot a message back to Tim. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and watched as Jason pocketed his phone.

“I feel like we should be doing more work than that,” Tim admitted. “But I also know some of this will have to be done on our own.”

Jason nodded. “Yeah…I kind of feel the same way. But we’re also going to have time over the weekend to do this and I don’t really see the point in spending hours in the library right now.”

“You mind if I just hang out and do some of my homework for tonight?”

He shook his head and pulled out his math textbook. “I was thinking of doing the same thing. Might as well use the time we’ve got here.”

Tim smiled and pulled out his chemistry textbook and the worksheet they’d been assigned. The silence between them was easy as they got to work, pencils scratching against different sheets of paper.

~~

Tim grinned and held up the two pizza boxes in his hands when Jason pulled the door open.

“You brought pizza?” he asked.

Tim rolled his eyes and pushed past him, taking in the small apartment. “Of course I did,” he scoffed. “I couldn’t not bring brain food and you’re letting us work here when you didn’t have to.”

Jason shrugged, shoulders stiff with the movement.

“So…are we going to work in the living room or at the kitchen table or would you prefer your room?” Tim prompted when Jason didn’t make a move to direct him anywhere.

“Right, yeah,” he said, snapping out of whatever daze he’d been in. “We can go to my room. I’ve already got all my stuff spread out over the floor.”

Tim nodded and followed Jason to his bedroom. The floor was covered in books and papers, but Tim didn’t have an issue finding a spot for himself. Jason helped him move his homework out of the way to set the pizza down.

He flipped open the top of the first box and grabbed a slice before stretching his legs out in front of him and pulling his laptop from his bag. Jason was a little more hesitant to take a slice of pizza and he didn’t relax right away when he settled back down among his piles of papers and ideas.

Tim hummed under his breath and opened his programs.

“So,” he started, taking another bite of pizza. “I was thinking we could use this video in our presentation. I know we can’t take up more than a minute, but it gives a pretty good explanation as to the practices of the Vikings.”

Jason nodded. “Lay it on me.”

Tim turned his computer and let the clip play, the sound filtering through his speakers clearly.

“Looks good to me,” he agreed. “I think that would be good to put between the history of the Vikings that I’m covering and the start of your section.”

“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking, too. Have you put any slides together?”

“No. I didn’t really feel like I was ready to do that, and I think it would be better to do that together anyway.”

Tim nodded and opened his web browser. “We can use the free software through Google so we can both access it.”

He quickly set up a presentation and sent the link to Jason’s email.

Jason grabbed another slice of pizza and pushed himself to his feet, sitting down in his desk chair to bring his desktop to life. He tapped away at the clunky keyboard and Tim smiled when his name appeared in the corner of his screen.

Tim added a few slides and stuck the video in the middle of them, knowing they’d both add more slides as they needed and compiled their work together.

Silence fell between them, but Tim didn’t find it uncomfortable in the slightest. Jason prompted him to pass him the pizza every now and then and they ate most of it as they worked on their project in companionable silence. Tim had never expected to be in the same room as Jason for so long without fighting. He never expected to be in Jason’s home in the first place.

Tim startled when he heard the front door slam, his fingers jerking against the keys and making his sentence deteriorate into a bunch of jibberish.

“Jason?” a woman called.

“Shit, sorry,” Jason mumbled to Tim, pushing himself from his chair. He hurried from the room, pulling the door shut behind him.

Tim strained to hear what was being said but couldn’t make out much more than the soft murmurs of their voices. He sighed and went back to his work, wiping his fingers on a crumpled napkin to keep the grease off his keys.

Jason returned a few minutes later. “Sorry about that,” he apologized. “I guess we lost track of time. I thought you were going to be gone by the time my mom got back from work.”

Tim shrugged. “It’s not a big deal, really. If you want me to, I can go…”

“No really, it’s okay,” Jason said in a rush, holding up his hands. “My mom’s fine with it, too.”  

“Although,” Tim continued, smirk pulling at his lips. “I don’t know if we really need to do that much more work or we’re going to have this finished today.”

Jason sat down in his chair and grinned. “That might not be such a bad thing.”

“Maybe not but we’re still a month out from when presentations even start.”

“Well,” Jason said, “if we’re not going to work on this anymore, you feel like watching a movie? Or do you need to get home? I guess I shouldn’t assume-”

“A movie would be great. We still have some pizza left anyway that I’m dying to eat. What do you have?”

Jason grinned and pushed himself out of his chair. He pulled a large bin out from under his bed and shoved it in Tim’s direction. Tim started sorting through the cases as Jason picked up his schoolwork, putting it in a small pile on his desk.

“I don’t know if I’m going to be able to watch all of the ones I want in one sitting,” Tim warned as he made a small pile next to his hip, flipping through the next few cases.

“We can always continue this next weekend,” Jason said with a shrug.

Tim swallowed and ducked his head, hoping to hide the grin that pulled at his lips. “Sure. If you don’t mind having me around.”

“Not at all,” Jason said, voice light. “We have to finish our project anyway.”

“Let’s start with this one then,” Tim said, passing him one of the cases he’d picked out.

Jason looked over the title and nodded. “This is a good one. Just let me get this set up.” He turned back to his computer and inserted the disk into his tower. He clicked several things and enlarged the screen so it took up his whole monitor.

He glanced over his shoulder and paused. “It might be easier if we both sat on the bed,” he said, flush rushing to his cheeks as he pulled the curtains over the window behind his desk.

“Yeah, no problem,” Tim said, pushing himself up from the floor. “It makes sense since we only have a computer monitor to work with.”

Jason heard the bed shift behind him and fought not to look until he hit play and stood up from his chair. He spared a quick glance in Tim’s direction before he crawled onto his bed and leaned back against the wall next to Tim.

Their shoulders brushed as they settled into place and even though there was some space between them, Jason could still feel the warmth wafting off Tim.

He swallowed and fought to focus on the movie, ignoring why he was so distracted by their proximity in the first place. There were project partners and really nothing more even if it felt like they were edging into that kind of territory.

Jason didn’t want to get his hopes up. And he questioned why he’d even have to worry about that in the first place.

~~

“Oh come on,” Tim protested, eyes focused on Jason’s computer screen.

He angrily shoved a handful of popcorn into his mouth and Jason hid his smile behind his sip of soda.

They’d worked on their project for about an hour before they both got distracted and bored and decided to put it to the side in favor of continuing their movie marathon. They were ahead of where they needed to be anyway, and Jason knew that taking some time to enjoy themselves on a Saturday wouldn’t put them that far behind.

He glanced to the side, taking in Tim’s profile. He wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, but he thought they were sitting closer than they had the week before. Every time Tim reached to grab a handful of popcorn, their biceps brushed together, sending a jolt of warmth against his skin.

Tim’s eyelashes almost seemed to brush his skin when he blinked, and Jason wondered if they were as soft as they looked. His eyebrows were turned down because he was annoyed with whatever choice the protagonist was making and Jason couldn’t blame him when he had the same thoughts.

Every time Tim offered some insight or commentary into the plot of the movie, Jason was drawn in by his thoughts. When he laughed, his nose would crinkle up in an adorable way as his eyes nearly squeezed shut and he leaned back against the wall to keep himself upright.  

Jason froze and pulled his gaze away from watching how Tim’s blue eyes were focused on the screen, soaking up every detail of the film they were watching and no doubt catching things Jason would never understand. He swallowed and fought down the rising panic in his chest that wanted to drown him under his new revelation.

He wasn’t supposed to be interested in Tim. They were supposed to hate each other’s guts. They had hated each other’s guts until they were paired together for their history class. And it didn’t help anything that their teacher had paired them because she thought they would work out romantically.

Jason grabbed a fistful of popcorn and shoved it into his mouth. Tim moved next to him and Jason almost thought he’d been found out but he did nothing more than hold the bowl towards him so he could have more of the snack.

He ducked his head in a half-nod and grabbed another handful of popcorn to keep his mouth busy. He was afraid that his realization would burst out of him and incriminate him. He couldn’t find Tim attractive. He couldn’t think he was cute. Not when Tim probably only tolerated him at best.

Tim would hate him if he knew about his growing feelings. They’d never be able to get along again, and it would put them right back where they’d been at the beginning of the year. And Jason was just starting to realize that he never wanted to go back to that place. He realized how much he hated it and had hated it when he was still there.

He’d just have to suffer through their work sessions on their project and the time they had to spend together in class. Beyond that, he’d need to keep his distance. He’d need to get some of the distance that used to be between them back.

He couldn’t push Tim away fully. He was too selfish for that and he didn’t think Tim would let him if he tried. Not when he was content to spend a couple hours together without an issue.

Jason swallowed. He’d make it through the year. He’d spend as much time with Tim as he could, but he wouldn’t become weak to what he wanted. They’d get through their project and that would be it. The only time they’d spend with each other after this would be in class.

He could deal with it. It would be enough. Even if it wasn’t what he wanted.

~~

Tim shoved the door to his bedroom open and let it slam shut behind him. He dropped his backpack on the floor and tried to keep himself from hyperventilating as his chest tightened and his breaths came faster.

He swallowed and fought to push the memories of sitting next to Jason on his bed for a handful of hours from his memory. They weren’t friends. They could barely be classified as friends. They were just bored and needed to get their project done for class. It meant nothing more than a grade and he was trying to convince himself of that.

Jason didn’t like him. He tolerated him and he knew he just put up with his presence in his home, but he didn’t like him. And even if Tim was drowning under the beauty of Jason’s intelligence and every comment he made that got Tim to laugh, he couldn’t do anything about it.

Tim squeezed his eyes shut when his brain wanted to fixate on the size of his biceps and how great he looked in whatever he decided to throw on for the day. And then there was his secret nerdy side…

He shook his head, fighting to push his thoughts to the back of his mind. The longer he lingered on them, the closer to the forefront of his brain they would be and if that happened, they would not doubt get him into trouble. And if he didn’t get himself into trouble with Jason, then he would definitely out himself to Steph and he couldn’t allow that to happen.

Tim would fight to get through the end of their project and then he’d bury anything he felt for Jason under the rest of his classes and his homework. He knew there wasn’t going to be anything for them once this project was done.

They’d be back to where they were before it happened and would have no more interaction than their conversations in class.

There wouldn’t be any more movie nights. There would be fewer witty conversations. And Tim would struggle with the loss of a great relationship he could’ve had for years but would no doubt be out of his reach because of the choices he made in the past.

Tim sighed and threw himself onto his bed. He buried his face in his pillows and was determined to block out the rest of the world for a few hours at least. He didn’t want to think about anything.

And if he did think about something, he wanted to be able to bury it in his dreams so that his suspicions of soft-looking lips and tight hugs would never see the light of day and he’d never risk embarrassment over his attraction to the one person he was supposed to hate for the rest of his life.

~~

Tim kept his head down as they neared their project deadline. They finished ahead of schedule and used the extra time they had to prepare to practice their presentation once a day in the library after school.

Now that they didn’t have to prepare anything and had their portions of the presentation practically memorized, there was no longer an excuse for longer conversations or their movie marathons.

Something ached deep in Tim’s chest when he couldn’t go over to Jason’s house and lock himself away in his room while they watched a movie. He’d never get to sit close to him on the bed or share snacks or talk about the most ridiculous thing from whatever movie they put on.

He tried to ignore the pain that seemed to hurt him deep inside whenever the light caught Jason’s eyes just right, or he caught him laughing at something Roy had said to him in the hallway. He missed pulling those deep belly laughs out of Jason.

Steph had noticed where his gaze lingered and asked him about it, but he wasn’t ready to admit his feelings, let alone talk about missing the time he’d gotten to spend with Jason over the course of the semester.

When the moment of truth finally came, he got through their actual presentation in a daze but knew he hadn’t messed up a single line from how many times they’d practiced.

Jason grinned at him when they finished, and their class offered polite applause. Tim returned Jason’s enthusiasm easily even if something inside his core shattered that Jason didn’t like him for anything more than the grade they were working to get together in the class.

And now it was all over.

The days following their presentation were painful. They barely talked before class started and Tim constantly glanced in his direction but didn’t get any sign that Jason might be missing their usual camaraderie like he was. He wasn’t able to focus on any of the other presentations that were given, thoughts swirling in a toxic circle that always came back to the same thing.

Tim’s sleep got worse. He stayed up late staring at the ceiling, worried that he’d done something to piss Jason off as the distance between them continued to grow. He didn’t know how to fix anything between them and thought they were back to the point of no return. He was sure if they didn’t change things before their semester ended, they’d never get back to the point where they had been.

~~

Jason forced his eyes closed but knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep any better than he had been the past few weeks. The sounds of the city outside his apartment were too loud. They accused him of all the mistakes he’d made in his life, the most horrible of them the distance growing between him and Tim again.

Things had been going well between them. Every second they spent together outside of school was like a small victory for him and what he wanted in life. They hadn’t even gotten through every movie Tim had wanted to watch before it was time to give their presentation and their time working on their project had ended.

They still saw each other in school and had class together and Jason was ecstatic they got the best grade in the class on their project, but things were awkward between him and Tim like they never had been before.

Sure, things hadn’t been easy when they were forced together at the beginning of the year but that was more because of the lingering animosity between them. They’d never been awkward.

And now he was sure he’d been reading the signs wrong between them. Even if he had to suffer through his growing attraction for Tim, he was happy to have him as a friend. But now that even seemed out of reach. He didn’t know how to fix it either.

If he asked Tim what happened he’d probably scoff and say that they were only spending time together because of their class and that would make things even more awkward because Tim would know he’s interested.

He’d become the school joke because there was no way Tim would keep that quiet if they were still the furthest thing from friends they could be.

Jason huffed and rolled onto his side, burying his face in his pillow. He could only hope that they could fix things or at least get back to where they had been before their presentation.

He wouldn’t survive if he had to stew with this uncertainty for the two weeks of winter break.

~~

Tim glanced at Jason when he sat down in his seat next to him in class. They’d passed each other in the hall earlier but neither of them had made eye contact or any other sign of recognition.

He wanted to say something, but he seemed to be at a spectacular loss of words as of late. Even their conversations in class which used to delve into the most random topics never strayed from the questions Ms. Edwards wrote out on the board for them.

The bell rang over their heads and as the other groups around them started their discussion, Tim sluggishly turned in his chair.

“Hey,” he said.

Jason glanced at him and turned in his chair, leaning heavily against the back of his seat.

“So, what did you think of last night’s reading?” he continued, nearly wincing at how stilted and formal the question sounded like they hadn’t already spent a whole semester talking and working on a project.

Jason shrugged. “It was interesting. I want to know more about the ritual practices that were touched on in the middle of the chapter. It didn’t go into much detail.”

“Was that really the most important section to focus on though?” Tim asked.

“Does it matter if it was or not?” Jason scoffed. “I found it interesting and would’ve liked to know more. Obviously, they can’t go in depth on every topic or the textbook would weigh a thousand pounds.”

“Right,” Tim huffed and rolled his eyes. “I guess you can just watch a documentary and get the answers you want.”

Tim swallowed the bitter taste that filled the back of his throat. This wasn’t how he wanted their conversation to go. It felt wrong and tainted. They couldn’t go back to how they’d been. He didn’t want them to.

They stared at each for a moment and Tim sighed.

“Okay everyone,” Ms. Edwards said, cutting off what he was about to say. “Let’s get things started, shall we? Who wants to go first?”

Tim turned to face the front of the room and pulled out his notebook. He sagged down in his chair and tried to push any thoughts of his crumbling relationship with Jason to the back of his mind. He’d fix it later.

~~

Tim felt more irritable the closer to winter break they got. If the stress from studying for finals wasn’t bad enough, he always seemed to be plagued with thoughts of what was going on between him and Jason.

His sleep schedule was beyond fucked up and it had nothing to do with trying to cram as much studying in as possible. His brain never shut up and Steph was avoiding him after he snapped at her because he couldn’t handle his own shit.

“Okay I’m going to take pity on you and forgive you for snapping at me yesterday,” Steph huffed, sitting across from him at lunch.

Tim glanced up from his tray of sad looking food. “I’m sorry about that,” he mumbled.

“I know you are, but you can’t take out your teenage angst on everyone else. Especially your best friend,” she said, giving him a onceover. “Normally I would hold out until you came crawling back to apologize, but you look so sad I decided to take pity on you.”

“Thanks.”

Steph stared at him for a minute and Tim tried not to shift under her scrutiny. “You really need to fix whatever’s going on with you.”

“I don’t know how.”

“Here’s a thought: talk to him.”

“It doesn’t matter. It won’t do any good,” he said, throwing his plastic fork onto his tray.

“God, you’re so hopeless sometimes. Okay, fine,” she huffed. “If you’re not going to try to fix this and just let whatever happens, happen, then you can’t be sad and moan and groan and get mad at me. So, get your shit together and talk to him, or shut up and get through the next week before break.”

Tim slouched further in his chair and ran a hand through his hair. He nodded and shoved a cold fry into his mouth, chewing bitterly.

~~

Tim threw himself onto his bed when he got home from his last day of school. He’d struggled to get through his history final without being distracted by Jason next to him. Even when he finished his test and turned it in, he still couldn’t do anything because they weren’t allowed to talk and Jason took more time than he did.

He didn’t want to risk trying to pass a note and getting caught by Ms. Edwards either. She could’ve thought they were cheating and as desperate as he was to repair what was between them, he wasn’t going to risk Jason’s grade even if he didn’t care that much about his own.

Tim was ready to bury himself in bed and ignore the rest of the world for two weeks. He didn’t want to go to his parents’ Christmas party, and he didn’t even care about what happened on Christmas and the pile of consolation prizes his parents bought for him.

The only thing he wanted was for things to be fixed and if it meant willing away the time off they had, then he would give it all away and jump right into second semester.

His heart ached and he almost wished he could show up at Jason’s front door and settle in for a movie night with pizza and ice cream.

Tim sighed and yanked his blanket over him, forcing his eyes shut in the hopes that he might finally be able to get some sleep.

~~

Jason stared out his bedroom window. Snow was falling gently between Gotham’s buildings and the road was already covered with a light dusting of snow. It would turn to slush soon even with the reduced traffic on the streets because of Christmas.

His mom was still asleep after getting in late from work the night before and he hadn’t managed to pull himself into the kitchen to start making breakfast. He’d pulled out the small plastic Christmas tree they kept in their place when he got home after his last day of school before break and managed to put it up, the mindless task letting him empty his head for a few minutes.

There were two boxes under the bent and crooked branches. Their gifts always bordered on practical. They didn’t have the money for anything extravagant and they learned early on they only really wanted things they had a use for rather than the meaningless trinkets that filled store windows during the shopping season.

Jason sighed and pushed himself away from the wall. He grabbed his hoodie from the back of his chair and slipped it over his head. He carefully moved into the kitchen, keeping an eye on his mom’s room to make sure he wasn’t waking her.

He pulled the milk from the fridge and filled a small saucepan. He left it to heat up as he put the jug away and grabbed the cocoa powder and the sugar from the cabinet.

Jason pulled the whisk from the jar on the counter and measured out the cocoa and sugar, slowly mixing it in the heating pot.

He heard a noise come from his mom’s room and sighed, hoping she would’ve had a bit longer to sleep in before she was roused and brought back to the land of the living.

Her door opened and she wasn’t quiet or subtle as she approached.

“Hot chocolate?” she asked, voice still rough from sleep.

“Yeah,” he murmured, watching the cocoa dissolve into the milk.

“Have you eaten breakfast yet?” she asked.

He shook his head. She moved around him and grabbed a pan to set on the stove next to him. She pulled two mugs from the cabinet and left them next to Jason for when their drinks were ready. She grabbed the carton of eggs and a bowl and began to crack eggs into it in preparation for scrambling.

She paused after closing the egg carton and reached across the counter for the small radio plugged into the wall. She turned it on and quickly changed channels before settling on a station playing Christmas music.

Jason smiled as she began to hum along and prepare their breakfast. He turned off the stove eye he was using and poured the hot chocolate into the two mugs.

Something still ached in the back of his chest and he tried not to dwell on any thoughts of Tim, but he was going to let himself have one day where he didn’t beat up on himself for thinking about him. He could worry about Tim and their crumbling relationship later. They might have the chance to fix things once their spring semester started, but right now he had some time with his mom on Christmas and he knew he wasn’t going to see her much for the rest of his break, so it wouldn’t do to be in a sour mood.

Jason hummed along to the radio under his breath and pulled a loaf of break from the cabinet, popping two slices into the toaster before he clinked his mug to his mom’s and they both took a sip.

~~

Tim paused in front of the double doors to his school and took a deep breath. It was cold and snow was drifting down over his head, but he needed a moment before he faced the day ahead of him.

He was going to fix things with Jason. He didn’t care what Jason’s reaction was and if it turned out he still hated him, then knowing that was better than drifting in an abyss of uncertainty.

He hurried up the steps and pushed through the doors with the people around him. He shivered at the warmth that enveloped him, glad the school wasn’t being stingy with the heat considering the freezing temperatures outside. He studied the crowds around him, searching for Jason’s familiar profile.

Steph waved at him, trying to catch his attention. He waved her off and mouthed ‘later’ in her direction. She frowned, eyebrows drawing down in her confusion but nodded and let him move away.

Tim kept an eye on the hall as he stopped at his locker. He pulled it open and grabbed his books for his morning classes and shoving his winter coat inside before slamming it shut. He pushed up onto his toes to look over the heads of the crowds around him. He huffed when he didn’t catch sight of Jason and continued down the hall.

He didn’t know where Jason’s first class was, but he knew if he wandered around long enough he’d find him somewhere. Unless he was hiding out under some stairwell.

Tim shoved his way through a line of people and turned the next corner, eyes sweeping up and down the hall. He caught sight of a head of red hair and blinked, hurrying forward, thinking it might be Roy and where Roy was Jason was a step ahead.

He slowed when the student turned, and it was definitely not who he was looking for. Tim huffed and continued, turning down the next hallway where another row of lockers and classrooms were.

“Looking for someone?”

Tim jumped and whirled around, finding Jason had snuck up on him. He narrowed his eyes and looked him up and down.

“Where did you come from?” he accused.

Jason hiked his thumb over his shoulder at the door to the bathroom a few feet behind them.

“Oh,” Tim sighed and relaxed.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Jason said, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Were you looking for someone?”

Tim cleared his throat and shifted on his feet. “Yeah actually. I was looking for you.”

“Me?” Jason asked, brow furrowing. “Why?”

Tim sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Look, I don’t know if you feel the same way or what, but I really missed how well we got along when we were doing our history project. I liked being able to hang out with you and watch movies and I want to do that again. If you do, anyway…”

Jason stared at him for a minute, turning the words over in his head. He nodded and smiled. “Yeah, I’d…I’d really like that actually. I missed getting to spend time with you, too, and we still have a stack of movies to get through.”

Tim chuckled and felt his face flush with their proximity. “Movie day this Saturday?” he asked, biting his lip.

“And every Saturday after until we get through them?” Jason offered, voice small.

Tim nodded eagerly. “Yes. Yeah. That sounds good.”

Jason nodded. “Cool.”

They stared at each for a moment.

The bell rang over their heads and pulled them out of their daze.

“I uh, have to get to class,” Tim said, stepping around Jason to head back the way he’d come.

“Yeah,” Jason agreed, turning to face him. “Me too. I’ll see you in class, I guess?” he asked.

Tim nodded. He paused for a second longer, letting himself soak up Jason’s appearance before he turned and disappeared into the throng of students hurrying to their first class, the anxiety and unhappiness finally uncurling in his chest and letting him breathe a little easier.

~~

Tim grinned as he rounded the corner to his history classroom. He stopped short when he saw Jason coming from the other direction. He was walking with Roy who had an arm around his shoulders.

Tim frowned, anger curling in his gut at the easy contact the two of them were able to share. He finally had their friendship back, but he was starting to realize that wasn’t enough. He wanted to be able to have such casual personal interactions with Jason like Roy did.  

Actually, what he wanted was to be able to curl into Jason’s side and lean his head against his shoulder as they curled up in his bed and watched a movie. He wanted to play with Jason’s fingers and hold his hand. He wanted to see if Jason’s lips were as soft as they looked and wanted to run his fingers through Jason’s hair.

Tim ran a hand through his hair and shook his head, pushing the thoughts from his mind. He couldn’t think like that. Things were finally back to normal. He was going to be friends with Jason and the rest of the year was going to be great. He didn’t need anything else from him. He wouldn’t let himself linger and fixate on those kinds of things.

Not when it could easily destroy everything they’d just repaired.

Tim ducked his head and pushed through the door to Ms. Edwards’ classroom. He hurried over to his desk and slid into his seat, dropping his backpack on the floor. The board was empty of the usual questions they had at the beginning of class and Ms. Edwards was already standing behind her podium and smiling at the students in their seats.

Tim didn’t look up as the door opened but he saw a figure slide into the chair next to him out of his periphery.

“Hey,” Jason greeted, voice light and happy.

Tim glanced up, unable to stop the smile that pulled at his lips at seeing Jason next to him. “Hey,” he greeted, turning in his chair. “What’s up?”

Jason shrugged. “Not much. I’m ready to go home but I wish I wasn’t back to having homework to do.”

Tim chuckled, thinking about all the books he’d have to take home. “I know. I’m ready to ignore all of it instead and hope it just magically works out.”

“I don’t think that’s the best idea. But as long as you do the work for this class, I don’t really care,” Jason shot back with a grin.

Tim nodded slowly. “Of course.”

~~

Jason sighed as he walked out of History. He couldn’t stop the happy smile that graced his lips. He was happy. He felt lighter than he had for weeks and winter wasn’t looking quite so gray as it had over break.

He had Tim back and he was going to get to hang out with him more often than he thought. He could even survive without the movie days they were already planning, satisfied with the light conversation they would share in class.

“What’s that look for?”

Jason rolled his eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“That smile,” Roy said, poking him in the cheek. “You look kind of dopey. What fairy godmother came and granted your wish?”

“No one, duh,” he shot back.

“Well I know it’s not school that has you looking like that so what happened. Spill all of your dirty secrets for me, Todd.”

Jason batted his hand away from his face. “It’s nothing.”

“Uh-huh,” he grumbled, not sounding like he believed him in the slightest. “I don’t believe you. This doesn’t have anything to do with why you were such a grouch over break, does it?”

Jason swallowed and looked away, eyes unconsciously searching the crowd of students in the hall.

“Okay, so it does. Now…who was the person that got your pants in a twist before break…” he said, sounding contemplative.

Jason’s eyes landed on Tim in the hall. He was standing next to Steph while she dug through her locker. Jason was on the verge of smiling at just seeing Tim, but when Steph placed a hand on his shoulder and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek his stomach dropped.

Jason’s jaw clenched, his teeth clacking together. Anger curled in his gut at the sight. Tim looked exasperated and swiped at his cheek to wipe away the lip gloss. It eased Jason’s anger slightly, but he still didn’t like that someone else could touch Tim the way he wanted to.

“I thought you hated Drake,” Roy said, grabbing his arm.

Jason froze and glared at him. “What?” he asked.

He waved at Tim. “Drake. I thought you hated him. I mean I know you had that whole project with him and everything, and you had to do some work together so he went over to your place, but…” Roy trailed off as his eyes widened.

Jason sighed, eyes sliding shut as Roy put all the pieces together.

“Dude, what the hell?” he asked. “When did that happen?”

“When did what happen?” Jason asked, bracing himself for the biggest shitstorm of all shitstorms.

“When did you start dating him?”

“What?” he asked, eyebrows furrowing.

“You and Drake. When did that happen?”

Jason opened his eyes. “Roy, we’re not dating.”

Roy frowned and glanced back at Tim. “Then why did you…” He paused and his eyes somehow got even larger. “Holy shit,” he breathed. “You’re not dating, but you want to be.” He made a face. “Great, now I have to deal with your lovesick, angsty ass over this whole thing. Please don’t do the whole emo teenager in love thing. I can’t handle any more of that with you.”

Jason rolled his eyes and tried to step around Roy, intent on getting to his last class without catching Tim’s attention while he was having this conversation.

“I’m not gonna do the whole emo teenager in love thing. And nothing’s going to happen between us. Tim doesn’t like me like that, and I think that’s something we can all agree on.”

“I dunno man. I think if you got over your hatred for him then he could, too. You already spend a ton of time outside of school with each other. And willingly I might add. None of us ever expected that to happen so I think anything’s possible at this point now.”

Jason sighed. He wished that was true, but he didn’t think it was possible. There was no way things could work out that well in his life. He didn’t get the happy fairy tale ending. Guys like him never did.

~~

“Can you believe people are already planning things for prom?” Tim scoffed when he pushed through the door to Jason’s apartment for their weekly Saturday movie day. “Like, I don’t get what the big deal is. Prom isn’t that impressive and yet people are getting all worked up over getting tickets and finding dates when it’s still forever away.”

Jason snickered and shut the door behind them. “It’s not that far away. Just a couple of months. And I guess if you have to make limo reservations or whatever, you’re going to want to get that done as soon as possible.”

Tim huffed and threw himself onto Jason’s bed, staring at where their next movie was already set up. “I guess. I still don’t get why it’s so important. I mean yeah, I did go last year but it wasn’t that great so what’s so great about this year? It’s not going to be that different just because I’m a senior.”

Jason grinned and hit play on his computer before crawling onto the bed next to him. “Maybe other people are just more romantic than you and think that even if something was bad before that doesn’t mean it can’t get better with time.”

“I guess, but I still don’t really want to go.”

Jason shrugged and pulled his knees up to his chest, eyes focused on the screen. “Then don’t go. There’s no one saying you have to. I’m not going.”

“But I can’t not go,” he cried, running his hands through his hair.

“Okay, you’ve officially lost me,” Jason said, rolling his eyes. “You don’t want to go but you have to go. How is that even possible?”

“Because Steph wants to go, and she’ll stop at nothing to get me into a tux and a limo.”

“Ah so she’s the one who’s forcing you,” Jason muttered, trying to ignore the familiar souring in his gut whenever he saw Tim and Steph together.

“Yeah,” Tim huffed. “I don’t see why it matters that I’m coming along. She put together a huge group and will have plenty of other people to talk to. But, of course she won’t let me sit at home and eat oreos on the couch when an overpriced night that I’ll forget about ten years from now is the highlight of spring semester.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it,” Jason huffed, slouching back against the wall. “Pick out the restaurant or stick yourself next to the refreshment table. Are you even paying for your tux or the limo rental?”

Tim was silent before he bit out a soft, “No.”

Jason shrugged. “Then it doesn’t really matter that much. Enjoy it while you can, and you can duck out early if it really gets to you that much and you’re not having fun.”

Tim fiddled with the comforter spread over the bed under him. “Thanks, I guess. What about you? Are you going to be there? Wait…you answered that already. Sorry, stuck too far in my own head, I guess.”

Jason tightened his hold on his knees. “No, you’re right I won’t be there. I’ll probably just be hanging out here all night.”

“Why aren’t you going?” Tim asked, looking up at him.

Jason kept his gaze on the computer, not wanting to see Tim’s reaction to what he was going to say. “No one to go with is the biggest thing, I guess. And I can’t really afford to rent a tux. It’s kind of a frivolous expense and since money’s already pretty tight, I don’t want to ask for something like that.”

“I wish I could stay in and hang out with you,” Tim grumbled.

“If you ever work up the courage to say no to Steph, you can,” Jason said with a shrug, forcing his hopes to stay considerably low.

Tim grumbled in the back of his throat and curled onto his side, content to sag into the warmth of Jason’s blanket and let the hours slide away in the face of their movie marathon.

~~

Tim tugged at the bowtie around his neck. It felt like just yesterday he was complaining to Jason about going to prom and now he was stuck in the constricting suit. Steph would undoubtedly criticize a handful of things about his appearance and the lack of effort he put into it.

His interest in prom had only seemed to wane as the semester continued and he dreaded the day as it slowly approached. He still wished that he could stay at home and curl up in bed or go over to Jason’s and watch movies with him.

He sighed and let go of his bowtie. He smoothed down his suit jacket and ran a hand over his hair to make sure none of the strands were out of place. The one thing he could be happy about was that instead of going to a fancy hotel like the year before, prom was being hosted at their school so he could make an escape at any time and he wouldn’t be too far from home.

The doorbell echoed down the hall and Tim sighed, shoulders slumping under the weight of what he was about to do. He trudged out of the bathroom and headed for the stairs.

“Tim!” Steph sang from where the butler had already let her in.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” he huffed.

He swung around the corner to the foyer and found Steph in all her purple glory. Her hair was curled and clipped at the side of her head and she wore large silver earrings and a resplendent necklace around her throat.

“Could you look any less happy?” she asked, rolling her eyes.

“I told you I didn’t want to go,” he grumbled, following her through the door and down the steps to where the limo was waiting in the drive.

“And I told you we had to go because it’s tradition and we can’t miss out on our last prom ever.”

“We went last year and, no offense, but this is more your thing than it is mine,” he said, sliding into the backseat. He nodded tightly at the other people who’d already been picked up, not as close with any of them as he was with his best friend.

“And what would you be doing if you weren’t going to prom?” Steph asked, voice high and sweet as she levelled him with a knowing look.

Tim flushed and shifted in his seat, not wanting to start their usual argument over Jason they’d been having as of late. It was bad enough Steph was accusing him of having feelings for Jason and he had to deny it at every turn, but it was almost worse that Tim was actively battling his crush and had been since January.

He wasn’t sure if he was happy or heartbroken that he wouldn’t have to be faced with Jason again once May rolled around and they walked across the stage to receive their diplomas. He didn’t want to part with him. As much as he’d hated him before, he couldn’t imagine not having him in his life now that they’d gotten the chance to bond over movies and homework and Jason had become someone he considered a friend.

Tim stared out the window as the limo wove through the streets in his neighborhood and turned towards the streets of Gotham. The others around him started talking and Tim tuned it out once their initial attempts at trying to draw him into their conversation failed.

He wondered what Jason was doing. He wondered if he’d made popcorn and which movie he was watching, if he was watching one at all. He might not have been in the mood to watch a movie and was reading a book instead. He hadn’t made much progress through the pile on his bedside table lately, more concerned with getting his assignments for his AP classes done and studying for the tests that would be coming the next week.

“Tim. Tim!”

He jolted and looked up, finding Steph standing with a hand on her hip in the limo door. Everyone else had already crawled out and were waiting for him. He flushed and hurried to step out of the limo.

Steph shut the door behind him and reminded the driver what time he’d need to be back to pick them up.

Tim trailed behind the group as they headed for the open gym doors. Balloons swayed in the nighttime air and music filtered out from the darkened interior.

They stepped inside, a few white strobe lights flashing over the dance floor. Softer, electric lamps lit up the refreshments table in the corner and the tables around the perimeter of the room.

Tim’s smile was tight as he took his picture and hurried inside, not caring if he left Steph and the others behind.

“Tim, what’s wrong with you?” Steph asked, catching his elbow.

He heaved a sigh, looking around the room. “Nothing, I just, wanted to get a drink is all.”

She stared at him, eyebrows furrowing but let his arm go as the rest of their group came up behind them. “Okay, if you’re sure. I think we’re going to head on out to the dance floor.”

Tim smiled and slipped away as she turned to talk to everyone else. He walked around the back of the table and filled a paper cup with punch. He tossed it back and swallowed, the sweet taste bursting to life over his tongue.

He sighed and crushed the cup in his hand, tossing it into the waiting garbage can. He spotted Steph moving through the crowd as she dipped her head to the beat of the music. Tim knew he’d be expected to dance to at least one song during the night but the thought of getting into the midst of the thrashing bodies was horrific and one he didn’t want to participate in.

Tim shuffled over to the corner, hoping the shadows would keep him concealed from Steph’s prying eyes. He tilted his head back, letting it hit the painted brick behind him. His heart was several streets away at Jason’s apartment. That’s where he wanted to be. That’s where he knew he could be happy.

He straightened spine snapping into place and he glanced at the dance floor again. Steph was completely consumed with the people around her and he knew he wouldn’t be missed as long as she was surrounded with people who cared as much about prom as she did.

Tim glanced at the gym doors and started for them, intent on leaving prom and all of this behind. He darted around people crossing the floor for drinks or the dance floor and fought his way through the wave of people that pushed through the double doors after getting their pictures taken.

“If you leave, there’s no reentry!” one of the volunteers called after him.

Tim waved his hand over his head and took off, sprinting across the parking lot for the sidewalk. The toes of his dress shoes nipped at his toes, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care, not when he finally had the chance to close the gaping distance that had been pulling at him for most of the night.

His suit jacket flapped against him as he ran and turned the corner. He barely noticed his labored breaths as he crossed the next street, barely making it across before the light changed and cars whizzed through the spot where he’d just been.

He charged down the sidewalk, darting around people who stared at him, no doubt worried that he’d lost his mind and would last out at the next person in his path. He practically sighed when he caught sight of Jason’s apartment building and jumped off the edge of the sidewalk, high-tailing it across the two lanes of traffic that ran in front of the building without a care in the world.

He shoved the broken gate open and took the stairs two at a time before he made it to the floor of Jason’s apartment. He swallowed and fought to catch his breath as he walked the last few feet to stand in front of his door.

Tim raised his hand, hesitating for only a moment before he knocked several times. He pressed his lips together to try and calm his breathing and waited, hoping he hadn’t misjudged everything between him and Jason. He heard the muffled sounds of someone moving around inside and Jason’s grumbling reached his ears as he approached the door.

It stopped when he no doubt glanced through the peephole and saw him standing there.

The lock clicked and the door was yanked open a second later, Jason staring at him with wide eyes as he braced a hand on the doorjamb.

“Tim?” he asked. “What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be at prom. Hell, you’re wearing a tux!” he cried, looking him up and down.

Tim smiled, trying to put Jason at ease even though he was still a little breathless. “I left.”

“You left?” Jason asked. He ran a hand through his hair, obviously trying to make sense of everything going on around him. “Jesus just…get in here,” he said, pulling Tim inside.

Tim stumbled slightly but righted himself quickly when Jason shut the door and locked it before turning to face him.

“Okay, explain,” he said. “Why did you leave prom?”

Tim shrugged, losing some of his earlier confidence but he knew he couldn’t beat around the bush. They’d been doing it for long enough and the end of the year was crawling closer with every day that passed. Tim was going to run out of time if he didn’t make a move soon and at least try to go after what he really wanted. And if he ruined it, then he wouldn’t have to see Jason ever again after graduation.

“I realized prom wasn’t where I wanted to be.”

“I know that,” Jason huffed. “You spent months complaining about having to go. But why are you here?”

Tim took a deep breath and squared his shoulders, trying to meet Jason’s eyes even in the face of possible rejection.

“This is where I wanted to be.”

“In my apartment?” Jason asked, making a face.

Tim huffed and rolled his eyes. “You know, for someone as smart as you, you can be really fucking stupid sometimes.”

“Just tell me what you mean!” Jason cried, running his hands through his hair.

“I wanted to be here with you,” Tim shot back.

Jason froze and stared at him, eyes wide.

Tim sighed, shoulders sagging. “I didn’t want to be at prom. I wanted to be spending time with you. Here or anywhere. I don’t really care as long as you’re there.”

“Tim, I-” Jason started and stopped before staring at him.

“I…like you,” Tim said, voice careful and steady. “I have for a while and I realized the only way I actually wanted to be at prom was if you were there with me. But if I’m being completely honest…if I had to choose between being with you at prom and being with you here so we could chill and watch movies, I’d definitely choose being here.”

Jason gaped, mouth moving as he tried to find something to say. “Okay,” he finally said, voice higher than normal. “Okay, so that’s a thing.”

Tim chuckled, his chest warming at seeing Jason flustered in front of him as he tried to process everything Tim just admitted. He shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heals.

“So…” Tim said, glancing around. “Not that I’m not happy to have finally told you that, but I wouldn’t mind you telling me if you feel the same? Because if not-”

“I do!” Jason said, waving his hands in front of him like he was afraid Tim was going to walk away. “God yes, I feel the same way. It was driving me insane because I thought you didn’t want to be anything more than friends and then when things were weird between us after our history project I thought-”

“I know,” Tim agreed, wincing at the memory. “That wasn’t a happy time. And winter break was awful because I didn’t get to see you and I didn’t get to talk to you. Everything sucked and I couldn’t wait to start school again if it meant getting to see you in class.”

“Me too. And I like you, too,” Jason said, cheeks turning pink. “I guess I should actually say that and not let us keep going around in circles but…yeah I like you, too.”

Tim grinned, feeling happier than he had in a long time. “I know this is kind of sudden but I already ran out of prom to come here do you think we could-”

“Movie marathon?” Jason asked hopefully.

Tim nodded.

“I’ve already made popcorn,” Jason said, stepping past him.

“Wait,” Tim said, catching his elbow.

Jason frowned and looked down at the hand on his arm before giving Tim a questioning look. “What is it?”

“Do you mind if I…” Tim trailed off and sucked in a breath before he rocked up onto his toes and pressed his lips to Jason’s cheek in a quick kiss. He wanted to go for the lips, but he wasn’t sure where Jason’s boundaries were since things were all kind of new between them.

Jason pressed his lips together, trying to hide the pleased smile that pulled at his lips.

“Come on,” he muttered, tugging Tim down the hall to his room.

Jason started the movie that was paused on his computer and made himself comfortable on the bed, moving the bowl of popcorn around to keep it from spilling.

Tim bent over and unlaced his dress shoes before pushing them off. He slid his jacket from his shoulders and draped it over the back of Jason’s desk chair. He yanked off is bowtie and breathed a sigh, happy to be free of the constricting material.

He crawled onto the bed next to Jason and pressed their shoulders together. Jason glanced at him and met his gaze, smile small and personal and sweet. He shifted towards Tim and reached for him before hesitating.

“Can I…” Jason asked.

Tim nodded and waited a beat as Jason’s hand came to rest on his cheek. They gazed into each other’s eyes, the movie playing in the background as they gave it none of their attention.

Jason ducked his head and pressed their lips together. Tim sighed and wrapped his arm around Jason’s shoulders, sliding closer. Jason tilted his head forward, searching for more contact.

Warmth spread in Tim’s chest and he was happy to spend the rest of the night, and even wishing he could have spent the next day, curled up with Jason and getting to know him in all the ways he hadn’t gotten to yet.

~~

“You look amazing,” Jason whispered, staring into Tim’s shining blue eyes.

“So do you,” Tim agreed, grin crooked as they slowly turned in the middle of the dance floor.

Moonlight cascaded through the skylight over their head now that the lights had been dimmed and candles flickered on the tables surrounding the dance floor.

“Can you believe we’re finally here?” Jason asked, glancing around at the tables around them.

“I know,” Tim sighed. He pressed their foreheads together and closed his eyes, trusting Jason to guide him around the floor. He wouldn’t let him fall. He’d never let him fall. Or he’d catch him if he went. “We’ve been planning this for so long and now it’s finally here.”

Tim tightened his hand on Jason’s shoulder, the cooler temperature of the band around his finger pressing into his skin. Jason pulled him closer, flattening his palm on Tim’s lower back.

“And to think so many things could’ve gone differently, and we might not have made it here at all,” Jason whispered.

Tim chuckled and pulled back, grin nearly hurting his cheeks. He glanced around and saw other couples had begun to join them as they danced.

“Ms. Edwards?” Tim asked.

Jason bit his lip, trying to fight down his own grin. “Exactly what I was thinking,” he agreed with a low laugh that made warmth curl in Tim’s stomach whenever he made Jason laugh.

“It’s been eight years since we’ve had her, but none of this would’ve happened without her.”

Jason’s brow furrowed. “It’s kind of scary that she was able to see so much potential between us. Especially when we hated each other’s guts.”

Tim shrugged. “Yeah but someone had to kick some sense into us. And finding even ground was easier through schoolwork than if we’d been forced together for something else. We wouldn’t have stayed in the same room long enough to talk if it wasn’t a requirement.”

“And now I can’t imagine anything better than being stuck with you.”

Tim pulled his hand free from Jason’s and wrapped his arms around Jason’s shoulders. He pulled him down for a kiss, one of the first they’d gotten to share as they started the rest of their shared lives together.

 If you enjoy my work, please reblog or consider buying me a ko-fi!

[haikyuuhaley]

Colours - Chapter 1 (Ethan Dolan Series)

A/N: This series is going to be dark, so if you are sensitive to topics such as abuse, sexual assault, depression, or anxiety, please either read at your own discretion or not at all.    

Word Count: 1335

My body jolted awake to the sound of my alarm sound, my groan out matches the loud sound and I smack the dismiss button on my phone, checking my notifications and rolling out of bed, going straight to the bathroom to get ready for the first day of my senior year.

After getting ready I check my bag to see that I have everything and let my heavy, and sleepy footsteps lead me down the stairs and to my kitchen to grab an apple and my keys and head to school, silently praying that nothing goes wrong today and that I have a good day for once, but knowing how my days normally go, I doubt it will be good.

Arriving at school, I decide to sit in my car for a couple minutes to calm my anxiety and to clear my racing mind of it’s ramped questions. ‘What if he is dropping Kayla off?’ ‘No that’s impossible, he’s in Toronto for school he wouldn’t be here…right?’ ‘What if he took a year off and comes back to visit?’. I sigh and put my shaking hands in between my legs. “Y/N, you are fine. It is fine. Just calm down and worry about your classes, like Mrs. Wills said, if need be text her, she said she would always be open for a session if I needed it, I could go after school.” I take deep breathes and soon calm to a manageable state of anxiety. Slamming my car door shut, my eyes wonder up to catch a glimpse of two tall guys, who I had never seen before, walk into my school. I shake it off, and then make my way inside and to the office to get my timetable. I walk to my locker and I here names being yelled through the hall, which is normal, for a school of my size, especially on the first day back but I had never heard these names before. My breath was soon taken away as the two boys who I had a little glimpse of seeing, showed themselves in front of me and I took in the broad shouldered, sharp jawed, well built teenage boys in front of me. To my suspicion they were being called over by Carter, the most popular guy in our school, they smiled toward him and bro hugged the he slung his arms around their shoulders and introduced them to his friends as his ‘football buddies’. I open my locker and continue to listen in, catching little details like their names, Ethan and Grayson, how to tell them apart since they were identical twins, Grayson has a dangly earring and Ethan has a freckle on his cheek.

As warning bell rings, I walk into my first period class, wisely picking the seat that would be my permanent residence for the rest of the semester. I decide on sitting in the middle of the middle row, so I could get a good view of the board but not be quite in the front. After making about five minutes of small talk with my teacher, the reason of the class soon files in and chooses their seats, sitting by their friends who are also in this class. I already knew Charlie, Sam and Jenny weren’t in my university English class, so I just sat tight and waited for all the students to be present, so we could get this show on the road. As the teacher, Mrs. Edwards, was calling names, Carter saunters in, Ethan and Grayson moments behind him.

“Sorry Miss, I was showing the new kids around.” He chuckles and takes one of the three remaining seats around me, I mentally curse myself for being sat near him. Ethan chooses the seat beside me and Grayson beside him, in the middle of him and Carter. Ethan catches my glance and gives me a sweet smile, as if he could get any more attractive. I send him one back and catch my cheeks heating up, my gaze shifts downwards, to the floor and it stays there until I feel my face go back to its original state.

After the bell dismissed the class I quickly shuffle out of the room, apparently too quickly, because I landed straight on my butt after hitting a hard chest, looking up, I see my best friend Charlie smiling down at me, but he swiftly scooped me up and wrapped me in a bear hug, completely disregarding my notebooks that were now being avoided my teenage feet on the tile floor.

“Charles let me down, I need my books!” My soft demand didn’t seem to do anything to the 6’ something giant and made him strangle me more. “I haven’t seen you all summer and that’s how you treat me?!” He faked a hurt face and set me on the ground finally, just as he was about to speak again, he eyes catch something over my head, causing me to turn around and look Ethan in the chest. My eyes find his and he smiles again, making my heart do a weird palpitation. “You dropped these.” He handed me my books, and I, being the awkward human I am, shuddered a thank you and flushed bright red. “I’m Ethan by the way.” I smiled and returned his gesture, this time with no shudder, “I’m Y/N” Just as he was about to say something else, he got cut off by a booming voice behind him.

“Ethan, don’t bother with her, she’s not worth your time.” The harsh words that were spoken from Carter, cut deep into my mind, as they were just dripping with an acid like hatred. He glared over at me and I felt Charlie move closer behind me, probably showing Carter that if he needed to, he would knock him cold. I mumbled a soft ‘Charlie’ under my breath, warning him to not do anything drastic. “I think I can figure out whose worth my time and who isn’t Carter, don’t ya think?” he turned to Carter and gave him a challenging smirk, as if to say back off. Carter huffed, and Ethan turned back to me “I’ll see you around Y/N.” He passed me another warm smile and walked off to his locker, Carter, followed by Grayson, who sent me a sympathetic smile, followed the bunch.

The rest of the day went by in a fluster, a fluster filled with soft smiles past between Ethan, Grayson and I and blunt glares from Carter. After I had grabbed my bag from my locker I shot the group chat I have with Jenny, Sam and Charlie a text that I would be out in a second and to wait for me, but I never got past my row of lockers, I was soon pinned up to someone’s locker by none other than Carter.

“Listen you whore, after what you pulled with Jason, I don’t want you anywhere near the twins, we don’t need anymore lies running around the school.” I looked him dead in the eyes as he spoke to me, every word was like a cut to my heart and the events from that night began to unfold in front of me yet again. My eyes became blurry, but I fought off the threatening tears, the last thing I want is for Carter to see me cry. “I didn’t pull anything, he started what he started, I just told the truth, and anyways his life is still normal. He doesn’t have to deal with what he did everyday, I do.” Carter tightened his grip on my arms and let a growl leave his lips “You fuc-“ “Fuck off her Carter. You are no better then Jason.” Charlie grabbed Carter’s shirt and threw him off me, then grabbed my bag and gently took my hand and led me to my car, wiping my tears from my cheeks that had slipped down silently while we were walking, he pulled me into my chest and held me.

[arborroadpartnerships]

FEBRUARY 2018

CAROL POSTHUMA

Blessings as 2018 is rolling along - how is it almost March already!? I depart on Sunday (2/25) for another trip to Mexico. This time we will be facilitating two Trauma Healing workshops at the Linguistic Center in the Oaxaca valley - an Initial (beginning) training in Spanish and an Advanced training in English. The recent earthquakes in Mexico have created a lot of interest and application for this relevant help. Many plan to translate this material (stories, scripture, etc.) into their local languages for use in their communities. Another counselor (Lynn) and I will also be staying longer to be available for counseling and Lynn is specially working with MKs (missionary kids) and their families. We will also be meeting with local leadership about building a strong "Community of Practice" for Trauma Healing - so that locally trained Mexicans can continue the training and encourage the growth of healing groups throughout Mexico (and Latin America?!). We would greatly appreciate your prayers for those traveling to and attending the trainings, for us as we teach, and for a faithful group of Mexican trauma healing leaders to carry on this needed ministry. (The photo above is of a flame tree with the Oaxaca mountains in the background). My dear friend and colleague, Patty, went home to be with her Lord on Feb. 6 after suffering with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease) for 2 years. I was able to attend her memorial service in Dallas on Feb. 16. I'm relieved she's not suffering anymore but she will be greatly missed. Thank you so much for your prayers for her over the last couple of years - please continue to pray for Brian and their family. Her courage was unstoppable both before and during ALS.

TOM & KAREN VIRTUE

Seeing Efforts Multiplied We love it that we spend a lot of our time equipping, training, coaching, and developing. We have some gifts that help us in those roles and love investing in people. One of the downsides of doing that from a distance is that we don't always get to see what happens day to day from our investment. Occasionally we get a glimpse – and we feel very grateful! 

A couple weeks ago we met with the team in Austin, TX – our Lonestar Team. It's a remarkable team. These 5 people work with students on all 4 of the campuses you see on the map. That means four student leadership teams, four plans for small groups, four of everything. It means investing in close to 300 students that are spread around Texas engaged in reaching out to other students on their campus! 

One of the highlight of our time with them was hearing one of the younger staff talk about how he thinks about leading and coaching in his areas of responsibility. He referred to our visit to his team last year and said that what we covered then has been so helpful that it laid the foundation of how he approaches all of what he does with these students. That meant a lot! Getting confirmation that our efforts are contributing directly to what God is doing on campuses half of the country away is the answer to our prayer and our greatest desire. It also means your part with us is felt and compounded even beyond what we do day to day. Thanks for being with us! Tom & Karen

CHARLES & CHERYL WARNER

A snowy hello to everyone from Irpin, Ukraine! We're getting settled and doing well in our new home in Irpin, a suburb of Kyiv. We arrived January 31, and the last ten days have been spent meeting with church and denominational leaders, shopping for household items, and getting things like a water filter and Wi-Fi installed. Right now Charley is clearing snow off the path to our door in preparation for the delivery of his office furniture.  A lot has happened quickly, and we're thankful (even amazed!). People have been wonderfully helpful and kind. Our first visitors will arrive in just a few days on February 14. Two are Ukrainian friends organizing and attending a theology conference, coming along with our British guest who will be presenting lectures. We pray this home will be a blessing to all who come to stay.   This photo was taken today outside our new home after a fresh snowfall. We love the pine trees Irpin is known for, especially beautiful flecked with snow. Our kind and attentive landlady had the interior of the house freshly painted and every surface sparkling in preparation for our arrival. She is generous with hugs and seems very pleased we are here. She showed Cheryl around the neighborhood shops, and we already feel like friends. As we've made purchases and unpacked new dishes and sheets and towels, we've been keenly aware of God's provision for this move. We're so grateful for the generous gifts of our support team. Thank you for those of you who have given toward our back-to-Ukraine fund, making this possible. We received sufficient funds for our household setup, and will purchase a vehicle when the rest of our funds come in. (Some have asked--we currently have $7,000 of the $16,000 we need to purchase a vehicle.)   For now, we just want to say thank you. Now to get that office furniture moved in . . . Charley and Cheryl Warner Barnabas International

JASON FRIESE

I wanted to let you all know that I will no longer be working with NSP effective March 23, 2018. I want to thank you all for your support over the past 4.5 years that I’ve had the privilege to work with the ministry in order to reach students with the gospel. In the rest of this letter, I’m going to talk a bit about this change, and our HR director will also have some things to share. I’ll also explain what is next for me, what financial support will look like as I wind down my time, and share some overdue ministry updates. In December, I was asked to step down from my role leading ministry in the San Gabriel Valley and serving with NSP. While this isn’t a change I wanted, I still respect the leaders of the ministry and my friends in NSP. And I want to continue to see students reached with the gospel across the nation. In fact, if you would like to continue to support the ministry we will have a banquet in the San Jose area on April 7, and two in the greater LA area on April 14 and 21. You can find more details about both of these events on our website: nationalschoolproject.com/banquets Hear it from Ben, NSP's HR Director:

Jason joined our team nearly 5 years ago to help write training and since then he’s served faithfully in 2 other roles to fill the need of the hour so that student at public schools would have a chance to meet Jesus.  Leading in NSP is a difficult role, and Jason has given so much of himself to reach students in the San Gabriel Valley with the gospel. However, we believe continuing in the Chapter Director role is not the best fit for Jason, and so we reached a decision to part ways in March. Jason has given faithful effort to reach students in the San Gabriel Valley for years. He’s been a blessing to our team, and remains committed to the success of NSP as a friend and in prayer. As we look back on Jason’s service, we have great reason to celebrate God’s provision for NSP in Jason. Jason is leaving after nearly 5 years of tireless service for the gospel. He remains a good friend and I’m so thankful for him as brother and co-laborer in Christ.

One of the questions that I am sure some of you will have is, “What are you going to do next?” Since I just got married, I’m setting out now to think about what comes next from a job perspective. But I am excited to see what God will be calling me to. While I’m considering my next steps, I’d love to hear if you have suggestions on things that you think might be a good fit for me (whether a general idea or a specific position). In general, my preference would be to stay in the Long Beach or North OC area for the first year of my marriage and to stay at my same church. For those of you who are financially supporting me, I want to thank you again for all the support you have given me over the years. It’s enabled me to be here and make a huge impact in reaching students with the gospel. NSP has agreed to give me 3 months severance, although that severance would need to come via funds raised by my support. With that in mind, I’d like to ask you to continue your financial support through June 30. Additionally, one of my longer-term ideas that I’m going to be praying through is becoming a theology professor or something like that in the mission field. While that would not be something I would do in the short-term, I just want to give you a heads up that I may do that in the longer term and would appreciate support at that time, if you are able.

Fall Ministry Update

I also owe you all an update of how the semester ended. We ended the semester working with 8 schools and hoping to begin work with 1 more in my area. In those schools we saw a total of 76 people indicate first time decisions for Christ. In the ministry nationwide 197 people indicated first time decisions for Christ. Praise God! I had the privilege of watching some middle school students get in front of their peers and each take a small part of a gospel message. They had the boldness and courage to share Jesus with their peers in front of a large crowd of students.

At one of our schools that has some of the strongest teacher opposition to the club, Montclair HS, we saw God work mightily in the lives of the students. During the two lunches there was a combined attendance of around 450 students and about 45 of those students stood up to receive the Lord. Please pray for their efforts to follow up with those students and for those students to get connected to the club and to churches. Finally, in the next semester, we have even more schools that are preparing for outreach. While the normal season for outreach is March-April, I’m still excited to hear reports of the outreaches that I’ll help get planned and then hand off to other people in the ministry to have them executed. And once again, I want to thank you all for the ways that you have supported me over the years in this ministry. It’s truly been a blessing to have a group of people praying for me and believing in me that God can work in the lives of students through me. It has been great to connect with some of you more because of this job and the need for support, and I’m very grateful for the opportunity that we have had to work together to reach students for the gospel.

Finally, as many of you know, I just got married as of January 27th! Of course that's the best news in all of this, and I'm excited to share more about that in a separate email. When I get the digital photos back from the photographer, I’ll send an email with a few pictures and a more detailed update about that event and a few from the honeymoon too. 

Thanks! Jason Friese

MEXICAN MEDICAL

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

Been a while since I gave you a praise update.

1. Praise one - we finished 2017 very strong fiscally, this allows us to so much more right off the bat in 2018

2. We saw over 2000 souls won for Christ in 2017 and immediately introduced to a local church.

3. Close to 10,000 people received medical and dental care as well.Our prayer requests are simple, but urgent,

1. The Baja is becoming an increasingly dangerous place. Even though most of the murders are drug cartel related it is a vicious cycle. Local folks live in fear, tourists won’t come South, businesses are afraid to invest, it all means less income and more people are tempted to join cartels. Pray for the protection of our missionaries, our volunteer teams and our national partners.

2. We are called upon more and more to support Pastors and their families with healthcare and surgeries. Pray for more volunteer surgeons and funds to cover cost.

3. Pray for four of missionary families. They are reaching retirement age. Wisdom and energy is needed to finish strong. Also pray for their health, as is common things seem to continue to pop up.

4. We have a full calendar already planned for the coming year. So far close to 50 events where the Gospel will be preached. Pray for divine appointments.

Blessings and thank-you for your prayer support,

Steve Crews Mexican Medical Ministries

Brian & Christine Virtue

Tough Month & February Prayer Requests

So as you can see above exemplified in a car we saw on the road here in Manila, sometimes we face challenges that push us to the limit. Traffic here is hard to explain unless you've lived it and frequently pushes us to the limit, but January was a tough month in a lot of ways. We try to give an honest perspective about what God is doing. Sometimes He is at work in ways that are tough, but He gets the glory nonetheless. There are some things to celebrate and answers to prayer, but this month we want to be honest with you about the messiness that sometimes exists on the mission field and in training leaders for the ministry.

This tough month technically started at 10pm Dec 31st when I got a call as the acting Executive Director that a student couple from South Asia was arrested by a department store for stealing a few hundred dollars worth of clothes. They had to spend about a week in jail and we're currently working with their organization and a lawyer to get their case resolved so they can return to their country. They have repented completely and are going through a restoration process, but their education will be on hold until their restoration process continues. Please pray for this couple as they experience God's grace in a season full of shame for them. This was a pretty discouraging experience for all involved, but God has been working at deeper levels in their hearts and many students have responded to their public confession by pursuing holiness more fervently.

We have had two other students facing significant disciplinary issues for moral issues after a period of probation and it looks like they will need to be expelled. This is a season that has been a great reminder that there is a great spiritual battle for the hearts of the next generation of church leaders and it's heartbreaking at times - but God has been there in the low moments.

Last weekend I received a call that one of our female American faculty was attacked at an outdoor mall and we spent a night doing crisis management and helping our colleagues at a local hospital and as they dealt with the police on the matter. She escaped with minor injuries, but there's a lot of trauma involved and she's having a hard time getting back out in public. She is our school counselor and is doing significant work with our students given the backgrounds they come from. Christine was shaken up by this as the two of them were having lunch together just a half hour prior to the attack. The attack was from a mentally ill man who attacked for no good reason. He had been recently released from a hospital. Please pray for our friend and school counselor.

Organizationally, we ended up having 2 accreditation visits this past week with ICHE (Int'l Council of Higher Ed) and the Philippine Dept of Ed (CHED). This was tons of work and not ideal, but both visits actually went amazing and we received some wonderful commendations for our unique community and some of the cutting edge community and character formation aspects of our curriculum - a much-needed encouragement after the above events!

Christine and I are making headway in our classes. Christine is in her 4th week of her church history course and is finding it really interesting. She's enjoyed going through it with the experience we've had in Asia the last several years.  I was able to submit a 20-page research paper over the weekend for my conflict negotiation course on ethnic majority-minority negotiation in multiethnic contexts. It's a bit challenging right now but we're learning and growing. And this kind of learning makes us better teachers.

On a personal note, I (Brian) lost a dear college friend to cancer a few weeks ago who was a significant part of my life and development. You can read a personal tribute I wrote to her here if you desire.

There's been a great number of other things that have reminded us of the great spiritual battle we're in and we've needed to re-dedicate ourselves to prayer so we face the challenges in the Lord's strength. Please pray for us in this!

Prayer Requests

We leave Sunday for Thailand for the CRU missionary care conference. Please pray for our physical and spiritual refreshment and that Colin and Kaelyn enjoy re-connecting with friends they made this summer.

I will be giving a seminar on Wednesday on Conflict Resolution Through an Honor and Shame Perspective, which hopefully equips these mostly younger missionaries for greater effectiveness in Asia.

Christine will be helping Korea Campus Crusade for Christ by providing care and coaching to a few women missionaries that need extra resourcing. I will be coaching Epic STINTers serving in East Asia and we're excited to stay connected to Epic through this.

Morgan is going to be left behind in the PH for her middle school outdoor education week. We're sad to go without her, but she's in good hands. Please pray that she is well taken care of and that she handles the physicality of the week as she always has some nerves on this stuff with her cerebral palsy.

But this conference was a big part of our family care/capacity plan as we came into this school year and it's coming at the perfect time. We are excited to serve, but it's just as important for us to have a check-in on our own well being. We're praying to connect with the Lord and with others deeply and be renewed.

Thank you for praying. This is a season where the battle feels more intense than normal and we're very aware of our need for the Lord right now in many ways.

In Christ, Brian & Christine

[rinfangs]

led by our beating hearts

The first time Annabeth Chase meets Percy Jackson is much more anticlimactic than she imagined.

It’s not that Annabeth spent a lot of time actively thinking about someone she’s never met, but being a student at Pine Senior High School means that an active education in the ongoings of Percy Jackson’s life is inevitable. Annabeth is aware that something similar happens on the other side of town, with her name instead. That’s the nature of the rivalry between the only two high schools in Olympus; every sports team and club is pitted against their sister school of Jupiter. Akin to the rivalry between Poseidon and Athena, this one between the Spartans and Gladiators was born of hormonal adolescent egos and mutual loathing.

Annabeth has experienced being caught in the crosshairs of the ill-fated rivalry more times than she can count. Being one of Pine’s star athletes guarantees that her high school uses her as ammunition and bragging grounds every chance she gets. While she has as much- if not more- school spirit as the next girl, she has no desire to participate in the cutthroat barbs and practical jokes that the majority of the student body takes so much joy in. She makes it a point to attend all major school meets and games against Jupiter, if not for her interest in the sports themselves then for her fascination of how the rivalry makes her already arrogant and hypermasculine peers even more conceited and stupid. It’s at these basketball games, swim meets, and track meets that she glimpses him at first. She always sits at the very top of the bleachers with Reyna (except during track season where she has her own events to worry about, thank you very much) so that they can make fun of all of the posturing and go over schoolwork together.  Annabeth can admit that he’s an incredible athlete; right up there with people like Frank Zhang and Jason Grace. She knows that he’s the only junior in Olympus that has a faster mile than her, but she’s never had a desire to seek him out after a track meet or her occasional volleyball games she spots him at. They simply existed on different worlds.

---

It sometimes seems like both of them were riding different trains on parallel tracks- fated to glimpse the other occasionally, but never to meet. That’s partially why she is so surprised when she spots him at Chiron’s Stop and Shop- very much on the Pine section of town. Chiron’s has always been one of her favorite places. It’s owner was an old family friend who taught her how to deal with her dyslexia when she was younger. He’s always been a mentor and father figure to her, and she picks up shifts at the store on weekends. It’s not that people from Jupiter aren’t allowed on this side of town, but they aren’t exactly expected. Percy Jackson with his shock of black hair and sea green eyes is utterly recognizable- not to mention that he’s wearing a purple hoodie with the words JHS Gladiators emblazoned on the front. It’s like painting a target on your back while simultaneously walking into a war zone. She considers walking away, but he spots her first.

“Hey! You’re Annabeth, right?” he calls out just as she was about to begin her retreat. “You do soccer and track and stuff at Pine.” The way he’s rocking back and forth on his heels reminds her entirely of Leo, and she wonders if he had ADHD too. It’s certainly a big part of why Annabeth’s so involved in sports- it’s nearly impossible to get rid of the restlessness she always feels. She’s suddenly aware of the fact that she hasn’t brushed her hair all day, or bothered to conceal the circles under her eyes

“Soccer and track and stuff. That’s me.” she answers “and you’re Jupiter’s swimming god.” He’s a couple inches taller than her, and even more tan, like he spent all his free time at a beach instead of a tiny town in Virginia.

“So that’s what they call me on this side of the creek, huh?” he questions. “You know, people say that you’re the best forward that the town has seen in years.”

“So what, pray tell, is one of Westbury’s revered athletes doing on this side of town?” Annabeth prods “You know, if any other student had noticed you you’d have been immediately sentenced to death by overzealous high schoolers.”

Percy lets loose a quiet laugh at this, and she can’t help the sliver of satisfaction that snakes through her body. He looks oddly embarrassed, and the sheer normalcy of his accompanying flush goes against all her prior expectations of this boy. She takes in the way he bites down on his lip as he unfurls his right wrist to reveal a small cellophane package filled with… dolphins?

“You… risked your well being in order to buy candy dolphins?” Annabeth can’t help the astonishment in her voice. Percy looks deeply offended

“They’re gummy sharks.” He protested “and they’re my lifeblood. Seriously, Annabeth, gummy sharks are the food of the gods.” he continues, “my cousin, Nico is supposed to supply me with them, since this is the only place in town which sells them, but he’s on some stupid date which means I have to do everything myself as per usual.”

By the time he’s finished with his tirade, his eyebrows are knitted together in concentration and his hands are still moving to finish his latest dramatic gesture.

“Nico Di Angelo?” she questions “He’s your cousin?” Thanks to her longstanding friendship with Will, Annabeth cannot go 24 hours without hearing him ramble on and on about the gorgeous brunette with the gorgeous dark eyes that- oh god annabeth they make me want to melt he’s so out of my league. It took Will an entire semester of pining from a distance before he finally made a move and Annabeth has spent the entirety of the last two weeks helping Will plan an overly complex date meant to woo his pants off, in his own words.

“You know him?” Percy questions

“Indirectly. My friend Will has spent so much time talking about his enormous crush that I probably know more about your cousin than I do myself. Will’s probably setting off heart shaped fireworks as we speak.”

“Ah. So he’s the blond haired casanova that Nico hasn’t been able to shut up about for the past few months. It’s gotten quite concerning, really.”

Their conversation continues and she finds herself enjoying his personality more than she’s willing to admit. She tells him about her visions of becoming an architect, her soccer team, her qualms and praises of the most recent star wars installment… and before she knows it, her phone chimes with a text from Piper asking why in the name of all that is holy, has it taken her over two hours to buy a jar of salsa. She quickly excuses herself from the conversation, and grabs a couple extra jars of queso just to appease Piper.  

---

She mulls over the conversation as she make her way around the block to Piper’s house. It’s odd, how instantly comfortable she was with him. It took her weeks before she had felt that close to any of her other friends. It’s not until she is comfortably nestled between Piper and Reyna, deep into the Goblet of Fire, that she notices the small pale yellow post it on the side of the salsa jar. Scrawled (almost illegibly, she notes) are 10 digits, signed PJ. Piper instantly leans over and lets out a low whistle, her chestnut colored braids brushing Annabeth’s face.

“Damn, Chase has game!” Annabeth squints at her and swats at her hair. This catches Reyna’s interest and she turns away from the screen.

“Who’s PJ?” she asks as she shoots her a smirk. She knows that they’re trying to be nonchalant about it, but the glimmer in Piper’s eyes tells her otherwise. She hasn’t done anything remotely romantic since her historic crush on Luke in middle school which resulted in one date freshmen year before he moved away. Piper has been begging her to go on a date ever since.

“Percy Jackson.” She mutters, making sure to fixate her eyes on Victor Krum. The effect of her words is no less than she predicted. Piper squeals and drops her Tostitos and Reyna raises both eyebrows, instead of just one.

“Like, Jupiter’s Percy Jackson? Thalia’s cousin? If so, congratulations- he’s like seven different levels of fine.” Piper proclaims  “I prefer blonds, though.” Reyna glances back at the number and frowns.

“I hate people from Jupiter. They’re like mini-Kardashians. No offense Piper.” Piper tugs thoughtfully at her braid. It was true that students that went to Jupiter were generally more wealthy than the ones at Pine with the exception of the Mcleans, but it didn’t seem like Percy was airheaded or conceited.

“So! Are you going to- CEDRIC NO!” Piper shrieks and covers her eyes with her hands. Annabeth mentally thanks Voldemort for the distraction as Reyna shoots her a meaningful look. She glances back down at the post-it note in her hand and smiles, thinking about what Piper was about to ask. Maybe she would.

AN: so this is the first thing I’ve written ever?? and I threw it together pretty quickly and I would beyond grateful for any criticism and ideas and hopefully I’ll be able to build on this and improve it to a point where it’ll be acceptable. I’m serious. I will personally buy you the moon if you give me writing advice go ahead and PLEASE tear this apart.

[stevenmannequin-blog]

Steven’s Clique

Period two. The first semester of the year.

Straight after homeroom, I had Spanish with Ms. Dublufski. Our classroom was small, the carpet resembling the type you'd find in a bowling alley. Strange, geometric, and puke green in color. There wasn't a single window. It felt vaguely like a gaudy, musty juvenile prison. We sat at perfectly round tables, the seats vibrantly colored and at all different levels of comfort. The lucky kids ended up with the fabric chairs. I was stuck with cold, hard metal.

The majority of us were freshman. Only Jason, the son of the principal, was aware of the intricacies of Spanish. But Ms. Dublufski didn't care. She walked coolly in front of the blackboard, perfectly rolled 'r's' falling from her lips. We were all befuddled. "What's she saying?" "I didn't sign up for this, man." "Todos ustedes son tontos. Esta es una clase avanzada."

Not a single one of the freshman understood the lectures. By day three, we'd all given up completely. Some of us slept. Others played games on their traditional flip-phones. I simply sat there, praying I would somehow learn through osmosis - a concept I'd been taught in my fourth period health class. I pondered if I had the brain to make it happen.

Along with myself, there were three other kids seated at the center-most table. 

First off was Susie, the head cheerleader. She wore her hair in braided ponytails - multiple of them, fastened by heart-shaped beads. She was constantly chewing gum despite her braces. Her favorite hobby was picking at her manicured nails until the paint fell off. She repainted them at least twice a day. One morning, she asked me if she could do mine. I told her yes. For the next week and a half, I had the most gloriously pink nails, flower decals pressed on top.

Then there was Antony, the jock. He carried his custom camouflage basketball with him wherever he went. When I asked him why didn't use the school issued balls, he showed me a messily scribbled autograph, remarking, "It's signed by Lebron James, dude." I simply nodded. The two of us would take turns tossing his ball into the trash can, then begrudgingly retrieving it.

Finally, there was Marshall. The most handsome man in the entire school. His face was something extraordinary, his musculature comparable to Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Some people speculated that he used Botox. I'd never once seen him smile. He would always stare at the blackboard, expression blank - almost as if he were trying to understand the complex sentences that Ms. Dublufski had written on the board. Perhaps he’d been deep in thought. After asking him, I learned that it was just the Botox. He was a big fan of art, particularly Banksy. I would show him my horrendous doodles, penned upon our daily Spanish exercises. He'd always give me a thumbs up, nodding in silent approval.

I was ecstatic to have people to talk to. The four of us would spend second period together, occasionally meeting outside of class. Our group chat was constantly busy. Weeks passed, and before we knew it, homecoming had arrived. The most ravenous school-wide ceremony. Susie was running for homecoming queen, Marshall for king. Antony was prepping for his debut basketball game. And then there was me - seemingly without a date, let alone any plans.

Up next, we have: “Homecoming Week.”

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal!

im keeping up with this!

honestly, i couldve been a lot more productive today but i tried so hard to sleep that i ended up wasting my day away instead of being more pro-active. i ate oatmeal for dinner and went to power hour this morning with jenny! i wasnt thrilled at first bc i went to bed around 1:30am and had to wake up around 5:30am so that I could leave by 6am and make it to the train stop by 8am. Surprisingly, I did not fall asleep once on my way to the stop though I did knock out on the way back. I know I could’ve easily ditched but transportation isn’t really an excuse to bail out on something! I’ve been guilty of it in the past too but especially seeing how easily people gave up just bc of of rides showed that their hearts werent in the right place at all. I wanted to go to power hour today and pray and intercede within the church. And I wasn’t going to let rides stop me from doing so. I can’t just give up. I have to at least try first and exhaust all my options. I know that it’d be a lot easier to just not go but so long as people are willing to help me, I’d be more than happy to come. And I’m not going to power hour to “look good.” In fact, I do wish more people in MVMT would come out and really understand the value and weight of prayer. But I know that theyre busy with their own things and it does take a lot of time to go and commit. I’m not judging them for not going. I’m not going to look good or to “be better.” I’m going because I want to pray. I’m going because I know there’s a lot of weight behind it and I want to help do my part. I do think I’ve been blessed with the gift of prayer and I can get really passionate in the moment. And I also know this is something I need to work on. To really develop and cultivate my faith via the Word and not just by feelings. To not believe the Word is always directly related to me but to see it for what it is so that I can gain a better understanding of who God is and as a result, be able to better share the gospel and evangelize to my friends. I know I’m jetlagged and that could’ve been a valid excuse but I really did want to go and I am really happy that I did. I went this morning and Pastor William led it and instead of individually praying for one topic each, we all prayed for one topic at a time. And I was kind of taken aback when P. William asked me to close and I wasn’t actually sure if I heard him correctly. Did he hear my praying and think I was passionate enough to close? Tbh, I was pretty tired and out of it but wanted to try and stay focused but I do think I was off my A-game today. Maybe he was just impressed by my willingness to come despite having just recently returned from California and wanted to acknowledge that! Or maybe it’s just because I haven’t been to Power Hour in a while and he wanted to give me an opportunity to close since everyone else already had recently. That’s probably the most logical explanation. Regardless, I was pretty shocked but as I closed, I was surprised at how passionately I was speaking. I was actually on the verge of tears and my voice broke a few times. But then I quickly closed and the ladies prayed together on one side and the guys on the other. I got to share about the classes I’m taking during the coming semester as well as my concerns for the school year. I used to have Sharlene to keep me accountable and share life with at school and we both supported each other through thick and thin and while I am beyond glad she’s going where God is calling her to be, I am sad to have lost a friend. And I am worried that I’ll fall victim to the lifestyle and culture at school and just grow bitter towards everything instead of keeping my eyes on God. Regardless if I find someone new to replace her or not, I do want to make an honest attempt to keep my focus fixated on God and Him alone. And I think by reading the Word more often is one way that I can. I am also hoping I’ll be able to be more trusting within the Lakeview community and really share my life with them. I know I’m on pretty good terms with some Catalyst peeps like Anna, Elsa, and I guess Sharon? But I also want to press further into my relationships with the people in Movement as well. I was super depressed last year and suffered a lot of heartache, especially when Robbin passed away. And Shar was there for me. I trusted her so deeply and I knew that her intentions were pure. The response I got whenever sharing with Movement was always awkward and close to none. Which I get, I was probably oversharing at times and making some people feel uncomfortable but it did feel pretty discouraging to share in a time of need and have no one respond very positively. And I know it was my decision to share to encourage others to do so as well but it definitely made me feel like I couldn’t really trust them. But I did trust Sharlene and I still do but it’ll definitely be harder now without her physically around. I don’t want to feel so alone again. And I’m really hoping that I won’t. But yeah, I shared that. I also prayed for the service tomorrow and that people wouldn’t just treat it as any other service but for them to feel unafraid to feel an encounter with God. Just because it isn’t a revival night or a retreat shouldn’t stop people from really coming to God. They made the decision to come to His house and I prayed that regardless of their life stage, especially because tomorrow is also a joint service, no one would feel afraid to just really come before God and be with Him.

Behold Our God Seated on His throne Come let us adore Him Behold Our King Nothing can compare Come let us adore Him

I also prayed for the Movement ministry that we wouldnt get caught up in our studies or the moment and instead keep our gaze fixated on God because without Him, nothing matters. All of this is for nothing. I prayed that throughout our studies, we would never forget that we aren’t studying for a good GPA or to please our parents but so we can better serve God in whatever capacity He has called us to. In my prayer group, Jenny shared about her heart for the MEF marathon this weekend among other things and Julie, P. Dub’s wife, shared about the struggles of having to deal with the recent flood in their house. Their physical belongings were thankfully not ruined but the garage is still a mess and her insurance is only willing to cover 5k. God, I pray that regardless of what happens, Julie can continue to just really trust you. Whether you bless her with the funds or have the repairs make a deep cut into her bank account, I hope she can know and understand that there is an underlying lesson from you hidden in this moment. It sucks right now but I do pray she can trust you. Honestly, I think I bragged a little bit unintentionally while praying for her. Her circumstances seemed similar to my own so I wanted to acknowledge that and let her know that I understand what she’s going through to some extent but I think I didn’t need to mention how my mom sold her wedding band to pay for the damages done on our own house. After that, we ate together and it felt like we were gossiping about other people which I was a bit uncomfortable with. I also opened up to P. William about my experience back home and how I actually left to escape a toxic situation but being up close and personal with everything back home, I was forced to face all my prior fears and insecurities and got a lot of closure as a result. And tbh, I don’t think he was expecting me to talk so much and wanted to leave the conversation ASAP and I felt kinda bad but I’m hoping some others will want to hear more about my time back home tomorrow. It seems like people noticed I was gone which tbh, I was also kinda surprised about bc I was only gone for a month. It’s probably just because I spent so much time at church for VBS for so long and then suddenly didn’t come at all. Even when Jenny picked me up from the train station this morning, I shared a little bit about the closure I received back home but she seemed more interested to talk about herself. Which I did try and be attentive towards and be humble instead of hurt but yeah. meh.

After power hour, I shared my thoughts about downtown ministry and city outreach to Jenny and her husband. She told me about a homeless shelter that could serve as a good outreach opportunity for movement since it’s in between downtown and NU. I’m definitely going to keep it in mind! That is something I would like to do but it’s also a big commitment and idk if anyone would actually come.

Oh! I also spent some time playing with Samantha and Andrew this morning while waiting for Jenny to get ready at her house. I am really grateful that she’s so willing to drive me to church from the Dempster-Skokie stop on the yellow line. It’s feasible for me to take public transportation at no cost of my own to get to church. I know that I’ve been called to serve at Lakeview so I’m going to continue to do so, regardless of the cost. I won’t let anything stop me.

Finally, I confronted Eliza about using my dish soap and she kindly backed off, I tried using my plastic wiper and it went pretty well! I attached the wet wip and all was fine! I made oatmeal for dinner, did my dishes, had a good few conversations with Andrew, and now I’m here. Oh, I also asked Jason if he could take me tomorrow since I know Jenny always goes early and is already committed to taking me to power hour every Saturday so I don’t want to intrude. I’ll probably respond to Andrew, wrap up my leftover oatmeal, shower, and then prepare for tomorrow. I need to buy a new Bible since apparently I left mine at home! :( Sad.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

HELLO JOURNAL!

im doing better! I made a few mistakes today but it’s okay bc i own up to it! i chose to stay up late last night with jason and help him with his homework and honestly, i think my crush is going away, haha. mostly bc i was trying to give him advice last night and he just kept brushing it off and avoiding the problem. i also found out hes really bitter. i think it’s partly a result of angela’s attitude and her influence bc hes normally so selfless and grateful. thats part of the reason why i took a liking to him in the first place. but now hes just so bitter and i didnt really know what to say. i guess my words came off like a lecture. but i was just frustrated bc he seemed so unhappy with his situation but wasnt willing to do anything about it or own up to the problems at hand. and this is definitely me being swayed by my emotions and i want to process this and approach this in a more loving, compassionate, and understanding way. i know it sucks when the community feels cliquey and toxic and i really dont know what to say to him. i would be lying if i said i didnt want to leave bc of that last semester. but God showed me clear signs to stay and invest so i will. and it’s been tough but I trust that I am doing good work here. Earl keeps offering his church to me but I’m sticking with Lakeview. At least for now. I know that I am called to be here and maybe that will change in the future but for now, this is where God wants me to be and I intend to carry out His will. But I don’t think Jason had that calling. He just came and stayed bc it’s where he was introduced and by default, convenient. I don’t want him to leave bc I think he has a lot to give, especially regarding his unique experiences in a “worldly lifestyle” that many of us lack an understanding/exposure of. But I trust in you God. I think the best thing to do is to just genuinely pray for him.

Dear God,

I do really care about Jason as a friend and it’s been pretty rocky for him. But I remember how excited he was to share his life with me when we met up for bibimbap last time and it was so encouraging. He’s so selfless and cares so genuinely for others and I know that you are going to use those gifts in really powerful ways for your Kingdom. And I am so excited for him! But right now, he isn’t doing too well and you know his heart better than anyone. I think he is secretly longing for you but keeps falling victim to the temptations of the world and is just too afraid to face the reality of the situation. But I pray that you will warm his heart and let him know that you are here. Not even just near. You are here. Within his heart. And you’re never letting go. I don’t want Jason to think or assume we’re going to judge him for his negative habits. I like to think that I’m pretty understanding of that kinda stuff but the truth is, I’ve never done it either and I’m still a prude at the end of the day. But I don’t have any room to judge and I just really pray that he doesn’t feel so ashamed of his own habits and mistakes and even if he doesn’t feel comfortable coming forward and telling us, I pray above all else that he feels and knows that he can always come to you. You love to unconditionally and recklessly, Lord. And I pray that he would know that too.

I pray all this in your name,

Amen.

I only walked 7k steps yesterday and I was pretty disappointed :( I woke up just as the train was leaving the 47 red line station and decided to take the 55 bus from the next stop, Garfield instead. And the bus came quickly which was nice. A man and his daughter sat across from me and we generally minded our own business. And I don’t know if I was afraid of being judged or rejected or if I was just too tired and half awake, but once they got off, I saw a bag of food left behind and wanted to ask if it belonged to them. But I was too slow. So I got off at the next stop instead and started running back. I do wish I ran faster or just continued to run so that I could’ve caught them but I didn’t. I was admittedly a little nervous venturing into the area but I just kept praying in my mind for God to protect me and lo and behold, He came through! I didn’t end up finding them but left the bag at a soup kitchen and posted a status on Facebook trying to spread word instead. I don’t know why I did it. Was it to prove that I’m a good person to myself or Jason? Was it to make me feel good? i don’t know. But what matters is that I did it. I got off that bus when I could have just as easily stayed and let someone else deal with it and just gone home. I knew that I really wanted to do my laundry tonight too and walking home just delayed the whole process. But I did it anyway and got my steps in as I walked home. I could’ve taken the bus but I really wanted to push myself. The only thing is, it was super humid. But I did my best not to complain and just keep on forging on ahead. And I did it! I got way more extra steps in and I was pretty proud of myself. I’m finally catching up to my other friends on the map! >:D Hehehehe. 

Oh, also, on my way home, Edgar sent me a funny gif of a giraffe and hoped that my day would get better. I’m still not really sure what prompted that message but it was nice. I thought about my few mishaps and it helped me realize that I have grown. I would’ve definitely complained about my misfortunate immediately and documented it via snapchat in the past but i didn this time. i just owned up to it and moved on. i was lowkey freaking out that i hadnt actually grown at all while thinking on the bus ride home and pulled out my phone to distract me instead. but that message from Ed was a nice reminder and sign from God that I have changed and grown and become a better person.

I saw James Kang’s insta today and his post about how this past year has really sucked but how he continues to have faith in the Lord and I’m genuinely happy he’s doing well. And I only want to take the time to apologize to him for my behavior during high school. I was so judgmental, and quick to make assumptions at that. And I ruled with an iron fist. I didn’t know what he was going through or what his life had entailed. I just assumed it was sheltered and well off like everyone else but that doesnt seem to be the case, esp according to what he wrote about. And I do want to be there for him. Really. I’m very sorry James. And I can’t promise that I won’t judge or act out again because I’m still growing and am not yet in a place so stable where that is a firm possibility. But I want to continue to try and get there. Please support me along the way.

Jason messaged me while I was typing this earlier and I was surprised to see him make the first message instead of me always trying to get a response out of him. And I was glad but the butterflies I previously would’ve felt were significantly quieter. I think I’m basically over it at this point. But I do still want to be there for him as a friend. And I’m not so worried that I’m going to accidentally replace Angela either. I think I was before bc I liked him in a romantic way and did want something more but not anymore. Now I just want to be a good friend for him.

And finally, I finally asked for Andrew’s advice regarding how to approach taking care of my friends from HS since theyre all pretty depressed Especially Jude and Keylee and I don’t know what to do to help. And he basically just said to be there for them and continue to offer help, support, and encouragement. Even if it feels like it isn’t working, I never really know what’s going on in their heads and it could be making a difference. Lowkey, I was pretty afraid that Jude was going to kill herself and could not even begin coming to terms with that horrendous future. But I want to be there for her bc she means a lot to me and deserves the best. She’s led a pretty shitty life thus far just as a result of her mom and family life and it really breaks my hear whenever I see her view herself so poorly. But I hope that at the very least, I can continue to be there for her.

Thank you God.

I pray this all in your name, Amen.

P.S. I finished choreographing “My God is Powerful”! Or mostly at least. I want to film and watch how the moves flow with the song and then send that to Jenny. I was going to do that tonight but it’s already 12:14am now and I texted Michaela to see if she was a mistake so as to not disurb her and she never responded so she probably is. Hopefully I can wake up early tomorrow morning, do the dishes, and film the video. It’s unlikely but it’s what I’m hoping for.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

“But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear, nor be troubled but in your hearts, honor Christ the Lord as holy. Always being ready to give a defense to anyone who asks you for the hope that is in you; yet do this with gentleness and respect. So that, when others slander you and revile your good behavior in Christ, you may put them to shame. For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God’s will, than for doing evil.” - 1 Peter 3:14-17

Actual passage ESV:

14 But even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, 15 but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, 16 having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame. 17 For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God's will, than for doing evil.

I’m getting closer! I’m still processing the lock-in I think but I have a much brighter view of the future. I’m learning a lot about myself and God and how to best serve the Kingdom. I actually went to bed last night before midnight and I was pretty dang proud of myself. I woke up fairly early today, took a shower, and headed to Jason’s car outside of the Dwight with Angela and Dana. When we got to church, I immediately made a B-line for the kitchen in order to do the dishes that we failed to do last night. I do think a part of me was expecting the ahjummas to thank me for doing both our dishes and their while I was doing them but they didn’t say anything at all. These feeling were soon dispersed when I was finishing up, Pastor Josh rushed in, and they started scolding him. And I felt so bad. I almost wanted to cry because I felt so bad. And I tried explaining to him that it was my fault and when he tried to reassure me that it was fine bc we were all tired anyway, I revealed that I did remember and try to do it but Pastor William stopped me and told me to join the other college students but honestly, I wasn’t even really hungry and while I am glad that I got to share my experience with everyone, I wish i didn’t. I wish Pastor Josh didn’t have to take the fall for my mistakes. And I could blame it on the rest of my team but ultimately, the cooking committee was my responsibility and I have to take ownership of that and Pastor Josh didn’t do anything wrong. I hope it didn’t sound like I was blaming Pastor William for making me leave because I wasn’t. I was blaming myself for not just doing it when I had the chance. So when I did finish up, I rushed into the main sanctuary for service and in a moment, I decided to sit by myself instead of with the other college students. I just kind of wanted time to myself. I later realized that Jason was sitting pretty close to me when we made eye contact during the service but I did my best not to think about him. I only looked toward him maybe three times but did my best to stay vigilant and focus on the sermon and my notes. And it was a great decision. I prayed and recentered my heart around God and when we were encouraged to speak to our neighbors, I rushed over to the guy in front of me to say it and he laughed and smiled at my enthusiasm. It was nice. I wanted to ask him for his name after the service but he left pretty fast. I’m guessing he had some things to do. I keep complaining about how I don’t have a lot of opportunities to talk to other people in the church bc I’m restricted to Movement but that’s just not true. Because I was sitting more towards the back today, I got to the cafeteria faster and thus, was the first to sit. I assumed other people would eventually join me but when other people outside of the college ministry decided to sit with my instead, I didn’t reject them. The first was a boy I smiled at. His name is John and he’s in 7th grade. He went to 8 churches before Lakeview due to bullying and when I pressed him for information, he didn’t want to talk about it which is understandable. He soon left, probably to find his friends and to get rid of the uncomfortable atmosphere. The next girl that sat next to me nervously approached my table before I invited her to sit. I actually don’t remember her name. I think it started with an “M” but she’s 26(?) years old and from Columbia. She came to Chicago to study on a foreign exchange program and recently graduated. She’s been here for about 8 months so she has 4 months left and it was just really nice getting to talk to her. Then Dana saw me and joined and listened in on the conversation as well. The next man to sit was Mike. He’s definitely a dad and appreciated my spaghetti regretti shirt. He has a daughter named Myra(?) and she was so cute and he talked about how his humor has gotten a lot cheesier since becoming a dad. Then Jason and P. Josh joined me for lunch and questioned why I was sitting where I was and I simply said, “Why not?” and they joined me and it was so nice to be with a few familiar faces. We all engaged into our own separate conversations from and it really felt like we were the church instead of being at church. I saw John pass by and felt bad that his seat got taken by Jason but he simply walked away. I’m hoping to find him again next Sunday or via social media and reach out to him and get to know him on a deeper level and really share God’s heart and love with him. Jason and I then faded out so that we could work on reimbursements and ran into Esther on the way. It was pretty lighthearted and Jason seemed to be in a much better mood today than yesterday. Oh, on the way to church today, I asked him and Angela about what they plan on doing post-lockin and how they’re going to utilize what they’ve learned. Jason said something along the lines of really loving others and didn’t want to go into detail so I’m assuming it’s something personal and didn’t want to push him into it too much. I later asked Angela and she said that it’s really hard for her to love others, especially when they’ve wronged her in the past, but she wants to work on learning to love and make active efforts towards that. But back to post service! So Jason and I did reimbursements and then we headed back to the MPR to sit with everyone again. He became to mother pigeon as little kids swarmed him for candy. Eunice and I helped out too and I did feel a bit out of place but it was nice to see all their faces and how happy they looked. Then we bumped into one of the ladies from the panel yesterday and introduced ourselves and when she asked Eunice for her skills, I mentioned how she’s a dancer and Eunice got super embarrassed and lightly pushed me. Once the lady started pressing us to become teachers for the electives, I playfully said that I realized why Eunice didn’t want me to say anything and started “running away.” Once they started talking about VBS and Eunice mentioned how she’ll be back home for the summer, I jumped in and talked about how I’ll be here and how much I love VBS and body worship. Tbh, I didn’t really want to talk to her bc she was really in the answers she gave yesterday. I’m pretty sure she knows that I’m the one that asked about 2/3 relationship questions, lol. I wonder how her perception of me will change after she does. But she mentioned how I’m an answer to her prayers and we talked about exactly what my job would entail and how I could best serve and what she needed me to do. Once she found out what school I went to, she talked about how this game named Chris Helzenga(?) is teaching a class and encouraged students to study three nonprofits and I asked her for more information bc I’m actually really interested in the nonprofit world and want to get more involved with it. She also asked about how our discussion later went and I mentioned how a lot of people related to Elder Jisu’s story about forgiveness and how we all have some burden and weight within our own hearts and realized that we needed to let go of it. Which was true. About three people related to it and a lot more got involved with the conversation. I think it was a totally valid statement. After that, I decided to sit down and play with the kids some more. When I saw a group of girls playing with the balloons, I asked to see one of the faces and complimented her skills. And then I turned it and it said, “I hate you” and when I asked why, she said because they were going to pop the balloon outside. As soon as I saw a blank balloon, I whipped out my sharpie and drew a sad face since they were going to destroy it and they excitedly asked me to draw a different face on each of their balloons. Eventually, they just took the sharpie away from me and went crazy with it but I didn’t mind. I let them be. I thought about scolding them but no one was actually getting hurt so I assumed it was fine. When I saw Angela and knew it was time to leave, I started asking for my sharpie back. Then I found out we couldn’t find Jason so I just rejoined my old table. Only Mike and P. Josh remained and were in a pretty intense conversation so I just sat in my old seat, looked at my phone, and waited until we found Jason and it was time to leave. He had been working on encouragement notes for everyone. I guess they’re due next week and I’m thinking of rewriting a few bc they were pretty lame in the moment. I’m excited to see what he writes for me. We’ve been getting a lot closer this semester so I want to know how his perception of me has changed. 

Now onto the ride home!

It was pretty quiet at first but I didn’t mind. I just zoned out for a while. Then I started talking to Claire about homework and graphic design related things and future careers and travels. While we talked, I heard Angela and Jason start talking and I was lowkey really interested in what they were saying so I listened in but I also felt bad for not paying attention to Claire and she could obviously tell so I did my best to come back to my conversation with her. It was actually really interesting and I did enjoy talking to Claire about everything. I talked about how I want to work with nonprofits in the future since no one is there for the money and it is still a livable salary and how I don’t need that much money to be happy. She tried to interrupt me a few times but eventually I got my point across and she understood. We talked a bit about personality types and how Claire and Angela are both an INFJ while I’m an INTJ and mentioned how obviously, some personality types may be better in some circumstances. Like an ISTJ would probably hate being a counselor. But overall, since she’s an advocate, she can still use her personality type to her advantage. She can better reason with her clients which was interesting to her. I’m excited to see her again on Friday for life group and I’m hoping that Dana can come too. 

When I got home, it was only 2pm and I was still in a good mood and could have done homework but I decided to catch up on a few shows instead and then I took a nap for a bit. Then I ate subway, did my laundry, caught up with Emily, and now I’m here in the lobby, ready to do my homework. Kind of. Loren wants to talk to me so I’m gonna do that and I am excited to share my experience at the lock in with her and encourage her to go to church in order to have that relationship with Christ and not for the sake of going to church. 

Oh, before I end this. We sang “Lay Me Down” and I felt the joy of the Lord and it’s playing on my Spotify now and it’s just so encouraging!!!

I’m so excited for what this year will bring. 

And finally, I’m still trying to assess where my relationship with Andrew is right now. Last night, I muted our chat with him and Sofia. I did snapchat him today to keep up our streak but I don’t think we’ll be talking for a few days. We’ll see if he messages me and what he says and we’ll see if I respond from there. I don’t know if he’ll think I’m mad at him or if I’m just busy. He’s probably just gonna think I’m busy but... we’ll see how long it takes until he realizes that something else is wrong. And even right now, I don’t know what to do. I do still think I want to ask Jason about what I should do. Since he’s a Vietnamese boy that was kind of a Buddhist but not really and that’s how Andrew is too. And I want to know how to best reach out to Andrew and bring him to Christ. For his own sake and not my own. I would love to keep him as a friend but I do really crave friendships where I feel like I can really tell them anything. Including my beliefs. So, we’ll see how it goes from here. 

[jess-oh]

Retreat Day 2

I LOST MY RULER! D: IT WASN’T EVEN MINE.

Okay. I’m going to work backwards. I just finished the night session and I am currently the only one in the cabin. I think everyone else is still praying. But man, blessings upon blessings!!! I think throughout this whole retreat, God has just been really highlighting my compassion for others. During the first worship, I wasn’t really feeling it and didn’t know why. Was it because I stopped journaling halfway through to play games? Was it because I always say that I reach out to outsiders because I don’t want them to go through the same pain I do and yet...I didn’t do that for my group? I don’t know. But I do know that I was passionately yelling my confessions, I felt so much more free. The sermon was really interesting. It was about genuine worship and how it is so much more than motions. It’s a date night with God. It’s so intimate an relational. After that, a girl named Jessica shared her story and my heart broke upon hearing about her many hardships. But man, she truly is a product of God’s great power. Then, all of the people in P. Jonas’ ministry came up and prayed for specific individuals and it was honestly crazy. And upon hearing them point out James Yoon and Jason Yoo, I started crying so much. Because I remembered their prayer requests and could only imagine how deeply accurate the advice was. Eventually for James, when he finally let go and just let the tears roll, there was a waterfall on my face. Then, they asked those with sick parents to rise and at first I was more than willing to pray for Hannah beside me. But then they switched it to relatives in general and I was in the spotlight. And just briefly sharing how my grandparents are doing really made me realize just how heavily it was impacting me. 

EDIT: A lot of people surrounded Hannah but not a lot of people came to me. Same with at Judy’s praise and prayer. When Judy threw out the out-of-staters prayer topic, a lot of people came to Annie but only Judy prayed for me. And I know it wasn’t as convenient to come and pray for me just because of where I was sitting but I couldn’t help but notice even still... but even though I was kind of upset over that. I was still so blessed in that moment. That I was getting prayed for at all. That I was having an encounter at all.  And yes, it bothered me. But I enjoyed the prayer more nonetheless. 

Then, I prayed again with Hannah and just started randomly asking for pray for others as God moved me to. I prayed for Jay who was sitting behind me and remembering his struggle with smoking and the church but how he was still willing to come back to church, and even more so retreat? I was filled with so many emotions. He thanked me after and claimed that it meant a lot to him. And whether or not that was true, I’m happy that I could pray for him. And just be there for him. Then, I talked with Rebecca Choi and Sean, a guy in one of my past retreat groups, Ezra, and Esther Lee(Grace’s sister). I don’t know why, but yesterday I remembered Ezra in tears after finding his grandma’s prayer book and just remembering how we were all brought to tears then just made me well up again. Finally, Judy prayed for me and just gave me so much reassurance and went as far to say that I have the most compassion in our class! And I thought, “No way!” What about Grace An or Jay Oh? They care so deeply for others! Judy too! But, who knows? And she just let me know that God does not see me as a burden and shared her joy in spending more time with me this summer. And she really encouraged me to be a prayer warrior, claiming so far that she wants my heart for others. I constantly praise her for her care for others so that was pretty crazy. But she genuinely meant it. And she just went onto say how my deep compassion for others is not very common. And that just further emphasized how God wants me to be proud of this and to not reject it. It isn’t a flaw or something that makes me weak. It’s something that God shaped into me. And it’s definitely not something I should feel ashamed of.

I’m sad I lost my blue booklet(I later found it) but this morning for devotionals, I shared how I was really bitter towards God during my first semester in college. And I just talked about how reflecting on it, I think God wanted me to rely on Him during those times and not myself. But instead, I pushed HIm away and suffered the weight of the burden on my own. But I do want to see HIm in all things in the future. Later, I realized that whenever I talked about all those things, I just made it into a list so that I wouldn’t have to relive through all the pain and suffering. I made it seem smaller so that I wouldn’t have to think about it. But in doing that, I was doing God a huge injustice. Judy helped me realize these things.

Oh man, I can’t wait to see what tomorrow will bring. I really hope that the sophomore class can just stay up all night again and pray together and just be with each other. I remember how passionately we prayed last summer retreat and I really hope we can do it again.

I’m writing this next paragraph the following day. After I finished journaling in the cabin and people started coming in, I decided to go back to the main sanctuary. A group of us eventually formed and we just spontaneously worshipped in the prayer room together until 3am. But it was so good. I could clearly hear my own voice and knew I was singing terribly but just worshipping in that moment filled me with so much peace. It was Rachel on the keys, Sam Lee on the guitar, David Kim standing, Grace An and I on the chairs, and Sehee, Joyce Yu, and Rena on the floor. But it was so natural and organic and I loved it. During that time, I also prayed for Edwin and Jennifer. Just being able to genuinely pray for others felt so nice.

So thank you God.